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  • The Tragedy of Realizing People Can Be Mean, Christian or Not

    The Tragedy of Realizing People Can Be Mean, Christian or Not

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    If we are honest, most people we come across in life are not very nice people. I first came to this conclusion when I was a young child. Being picked on and bullied, I quickly realized that many people are mean for no reason. While my parents came up with plenty of ideas as to why people were mean, none of them were true or relevant to my situation. Long story short, many people are mean just because they are mean. 

    There are mean people in the world because we live in a sinful, fallen world. Everyone sins and falls short of the glory of God (Romans 3:23). By living in the fallen world, we encounter people who are driven by anger, frustration, hurt, and bitterness. Rather than being kind, they make us feel bad about ourselves. Mean people are never fun to be around because they only hurt us. 

    If you are someone who is known to be mean, it is time to step away from this identity. Never should a person say a Christian is mean. As Christians, we are Jesus’ lights to the world. How will we shine brightly for Him if we are being darkness ourselves? Instead of being mean, choose kindness. This is what God wants all people to do, especially those who claim to follow Him. 

    The Lasting Pain of Being Hurt

    When someone is mean to us, it hurts. Depending on who the person is, it might hurt more so than a stranger. Many people I used to know were very mean to me, even though I considered them friends. I think I considered them friends because I really wanted to have friends. Now, in retrospect, as I am older, I know they were not my real friends. 

    Friends would never be mean to you. Never would they say hurtful comments, belittle you, or make fun of you. Friends are supposed to build you up, not tear you down. If you have been the victim of bullying, know that you are not alone. It can really hurt to know that your friends are not actually your friends and that you are better off without them. Fake friends don’t deserve your time or presence, though. 

    If you are hurt by someone who is just a stranger, know that your pain is valid too. Just the other day I was at a doctor’s appointment and a woman in the waiting room scowled at me as if I was the devil himself. This made me feel awful about myself, and I went out of my way to distance myself from this woman. Maybe you have encountered someone just like this. You did nothing to warrant the hateful glares, yet the person still shot them at you. 

    This was not nice of them, but as you already know, there are a lot of mean people in the world. The popular trend today that promotes the idea that all people are relatively good is not biblical. All people are evil from the moment they are conceived (Psalm 51:5). We are born into sin and only through the grace of Jesus can we be saved. 

    From the time we are children of God, we become more aware of the evil around us. We see people who are mean for no reason, yet it is still hard not to take it personally. Similarly, many Christians are the ones who are mean, even to their own brothers and sisters in Christ. This should not be; however, if you have even encountered this, know you are not alone. Some of the meanest people I’ve known are people who identify as Christians. 

    Whether they are true Christians or not, I do not know. What I do know is that as an individual Christian, I would never do anything purposely to be mean to someone else. I know how it feels when someone is mean to you, and I never want to inflict that same pain on anybody else. Are we always going to be perfect and treat everyone with flawless love? No. However, as believers, we shouldn’t want to be mean to anyone. Our motivations and intentions should be rooted in Christ’s love. We should want to extend Jesus in our actions. If we fail to do this, we are doing a disservice to the Lord. 

    Living in a Fallen World 

    As mentioned earlier, we are living in a fallen world, and this is why we encounter mean people. Sadly, within pop culture and schooling, mean people are deemed as “cool.” Think of who the popular people were at your schools. It’s often those who tear others down and build a fear-based popularity. This is a sad reality; however, it is not something we should ignore. Popularity should never be “earned” through anger, fear, and manipulation.

    Everyone becomes so afraid of them that they just keep allowing them to run the school, the event, or even the workplace. Unfortunately, despite being adults, we see the same trends in adulthood. The bullies and the mean kids never grew up. Instead of allowing this behavior to continue, we must speak up for those who cannot speak up for themselves. We must speak up for ourselves too. Mean people only have power over us if we let them. 

    We do not have to give them the satisfaction of hurting us. Instead, we can address their mean behavior and call them out for it. As adults, we need to behave better, period. Nobody should be mean to someone just because they look different, talk differently, or do things differently than someone else. There needs to be kindness, compassion, and grace extended to all people. This is the only way that we can actually shine the light of Jesus in our lives. 

    While it is true that we are living in a fallen world, it does not mean we have to live as the world does. In fact, as believers, we should be living in opposition to the sinful world. The world says meanness is how you get what you want, but the Bible says the right thing to do is to be kind, caring, and loving (Matthew 22:39; Ephesians 4:32). Are we going to follow the practices of the world or are we going to follow our Savior? This vital question can help us move forward in curtailing the hate that continues in the world. 

    Choosing to Forgive

    If you are someone who has been hurt by a mean person, it’s important to forgive them. It’s true that they probably don’t deserve your forgiveness, and they probably never apologized, but God still wants you to forgive them (Matthew 6:14). After all, we don’t deserve God’s forgiveness, but we are called to extend this same grace to others. This can be hard, yet it is something we must do. Holding onto unforgiveness, hate, and anger will only hurt us. If we truly want to move forward, we must forgive the people who hurt us. 

    Forgiving the person means you are giving the situation over to Jesus. It doesn’t mean that what they did is okay, nor does it mean that what they did is forgotten. Rather, it means you are turning the situation over to God. He can handle it best, and He can carry any of the emotions you are experiencing. He hates that there are mean people in the world, but He promises us a future where there will only be genuinely kind people, His followers rejoicing in heaven (Revelation 21). 

    This future promise will be fulfilled in the New Heaven and New Earth. Never will anyone be mean to one another ever again. There will only be happiness, love, and joy. When people are mean to you in this life, look forward to the day that all evil will be destroyed. It will happen in the future, and it is a sure promise. Reflect on this truth when mean people get you down.  

    Photo Credit: ©iStock/Getty Images Plus/bunditinay

    Vivian Bricker loves Jesus, studying the Word of God, and helping others in their walk with Christ. She has earned a Bachelor of Arts and Master’s degree in Christian Ministry with a deep academic emphasis in theology. Her favorite things to do are spending time with her family and friends, reading, and spending time outside. When she is not writing, she is embarking on other adventures.

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    Vivian Bricker

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  • How to move past a painful breakup, according to relationship therapist

    How to move past a painful breakup, according to relationship therapist

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    One month after I ended my relationship, I went to see Esther Perel speak at the 92nd Street Y. She polled the audience, as she always does, asking, “How many of you are in a relationship or married?” For the first time in a long time, this wasn’t me. Then she asked, “How many of you are single?” As I raised my hand, a tear ran down my face. I felt vulnerable. It seemed so official.

    This may seem overly dramatic, but if you’ve ever de-partnered from a long-term relationship, you will know that it is a trauma that requires a major dose of deprogramming. Breakups, even when self-inflicted, are like undergoing open heart surgery. Nothing prepares you for this type of loss. Culturally, we don’t hold space for the complexities of a relationship’s ending. Whether family, friend, or partner, we don’t acknowledge or honor the depth of such losses. After an ending, getting closure and moving on become the primary focus.

    Let’s talk about rom-coms for a sec. Romantic comedies often depict a straight woman in the “getting back to me” phase, with men being portrayed as less emotionally complex. The narrative typically involves the woman’s taking time for herself, going on a trip, dating again, or experiencing some wacky misadventures before meeting her next partner. Alternatively, she may end up living happily ever after, but alone, in a state of self-acceptance, independence, and strength.

    Welp. It’s a wonderful fantasy, but it isn’t reality.

    I was not prepared. I too thought it would be a rom-com. I booked retreats. I searched for myself. I practiced yoga. I meditated. I “got back to me.” Well, sorta. Ending my relationship forced me to (again) confront a variety of past, present, and future challenges. It was an algebraic equation: Childhood + trauma + being gay + family estrangement / breakup = prolonged grief. What’s the equation for your context?

    It’s usually childhood + trauma + personal identity + social community + career + financial safety + access to resources and healthcare. It is important to acknowledge all the factors present during any life transition, as neglecting one of them could result in leaving out a significant piece of your story.

    This isn’t some “happily ever after” love story. I’ve been single since Alex and I broke up. I wanted him back on several occasions, but only when he didn’t want me back. I still think about him every day. I still dream about him at night.

    I’ve been alone for a long time. And it’s hard.

    I have had great success with work. I’ve made new friends. And my self-confidence? I finally know who I am, am confident, and have landed on a self-definition I can say I genuinely like. But I remain stuck romantically. Everyone I date frustrates me. No one communicates. It seems impossible to get someone interested to the point where they’ll stick around. Plus, it’s not just other people. It’s me. I haven’t felt something in a long time.

    Birthdays and holidays have been absolutely awful. They are only reminders of my loss and loneliness. My first Christmas without Alex was terrible. I of course spent it with Alex; we cried. His family expressed their wish that we remain together. Alex and I had sex. It was a mess. Nevertheless, I am glad I spent that time with them. They still felt like my family. He still felt like my family.

    Subsequent holidays were just as hard. I dreaded them. I missed his family (and still do). I missed our routines. I missed having someone to surprise, to go holiday shopping with for cute gifts. To buy beautiful wrapping paper and fancy bows. (I used to go all out.) The absence of such moments had left a void; I missed them dearly. Alex felt the same way, and during these times of the year, my yearning for these shared experiences was particularly acute.

    OMG and don’t even get me started on Valentine’s Day! Alex and I had this tradition where we would make sushi and exchange presents. It was very sweet, and I used to look forward to it. So, I wasn’t prepared for what it would be like to be an observer and not a participant on this stupid holiday. It really sucked.

    I still miss Alex often. It’s not just him that I miss. It’s the metaphor. It’s the life we had. It’s being able to say “we.” “We” are doing this, “we” are visiting friends, “we” are going to France this summer. Instead of, “I booked flights alone. I don’t know who I am going with yet.”

    Whenever I talk to people about these feelings, they’re quick to say, “Do you think you’re over it?” When they do, I’ll scream inside while politely saying, “I think so.” But my relationship with Alex played such a huge role in my life that I’m not sure how one gets over something like that.

    I know they’re thinking, Wow, he is still so not over it.

    But we don’t get over loss; we move through it, but the loss stays with us. If you lose a family member, do you simply move on and get over it? No. Your life changes. You add to your life, and the loss evolves into something smaller and more manageable, something you may not even think about very much. But the loss remains. Alex was my family, and losing him was significant. Will I “move on”? Will meeting someone new alter my perspective on my relationship with him? Undoubtedly, time and new experiences will bring healing and change. Nonetheless, the memories of our time together will always remain with me.

    It’s undeniably hard to be alone, yet culture, family, and friends rarely provide us with the space to navigate the emotional difficulties that accompany single life. Instead, there are all those reductive phrases that convey implicit judgment—comments like “You should enjoy being single” or “Maybe you need to love yourself more.” They are only reminders of society’s expectations regarding independence and grief rather than empathy.

    Some people do in fact “move on,” no longer feeling preoccupied by thoughts of their ex. Others don’t. Neither response is inherently “healthier” than the other. You might think, Well, I would choose never to think about them again. But our feelings aren’t a matter of choice. We have to accept where we are, tolerate it, and resist the urge to judge ourselves against some imagined ideal. It’s a flawed assumption to think that if you stop thinking about your ex, your life will automatically improve. Life will remain complex and challenging regardless of who occupies your thoughts.

    It’s often through (not around) pain and heartbreak that we learn the most about ourselves and what it means to be alive. While ending my relationship was difficult, discovering who I was as an independent person without any relationship to shape my identity was even more challenging. This is where I became myself.

     Rodale Books

    Excerpted from HOW TO LOVE SOMEONE WITHOUT LOSING YOUR MIND by Todd Baratz. Copyright © 2024 by Todd Baratz. Used by permission of Rodale Books, an imprint of Random House, a division of Penguin Random House LLC, New York.  All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.

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    Todd Baratz

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  • 32 Ideas for a Girls’ Day Out

    32 Ideas for a Girls’ Day Out

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    One of the best things in life is having a day with your girls. Although you enjoy your loved ones, it’s nice to take a day off and do something fun. Not only does it feel good to be free of responsibilities for a day, but it’s also good for your emotional and mental health. You can just relax and have fun. 

    If you are looking for some ideas for your next girls’ day out, here are some ideas:

    1. Spa Day

    Either spend money and go to the spa or someone can host a spa day at their house. Everyone can bring their own grooming tools and products, as well as a snack or beverage to share.

    2. Go to a Museum

    Research different museums in your area and choose one to go to. You could even do this several times and rotate museums.

    3. Eat Out

    Go out for a nice brunch or lunch together. This is your time to splurge!

    4. Volunteer for a Cause

    Make a list of causes that you all care about and put names into a hat. Then have someone pick from the hat to decide where you will volunteer. You could do this several times and line up volunteering opportunities a few months in advance if you wish.

    5. Go on a Day Trip

    Take a quick trip to an attraction, town, or shopping center that you have been wanting to see a few towns away or somewhere in your state.

    6. Go Shopping

    There is nothing like going on a shopping trip, but it can get boring when you go to the same old places. Do some research and find the out-of-the-way shopping centers in your town or the next town over. You can also look for outlet malls and specialty malls that are a few hours away in your state. (And don’t underestimate how fun antique shopping can be!)

    7. Movie Day Out

    Going to the movies can get pricey, but it doesn’t have to. Look on the website for the movie theaters in your town and see if they have any specials going on. If you can find an independently owned movie theater in your town, you’ve found a gem. Chances are, ticket prices will be much lower than in the big chain theaters.

    8. Take a Class Together

    Talk over your interests with your girls and see if any resonate with all of you, and then take a class on that thing. If you all have different interests, over a few months, take a class together for each lady’s personal interest. For example, Cathy may enjoy cooking, Laura may enjoy knitting, and Christine may enjoy making jewelry. Take a cooking class in January, a knitting class in February, and a jewelry-making class in March. This way, everyone will get a turn taking a class on their specific interest.

    9. Start a Book Club

    If your friends are a bunch of bookworms, start a book club together. Invite coworkers, fellow church members, or neighbors and see how your friendship circle grows!

    10. Go for Dessert

    Go for dessert together and order the most decadent thing on the menu. 

    11. Go for Drinks

    Go out for drinks and have some friendly conversation. (No, this doesn’t mean you have to consume alcohol. Mocktails, coffees, and other iced teas and fruity drinks make for great refreshers with friends.)

    12. Visit an Amusement Park

    Head to an amusement park and let your inner child out. 

    13. Visit a Farmer’s Market

    Go to the local farmer’s market and pick up some farm fresh fruits and vegetables. Sometimes you can find other things too, like fresh meat, homemade baked goods, jellies, jams, and homemade candy.

    14. Scrapbook Together

    Spend some time scrapbooking together and talk about your favorite memories.

    15. Have a Brainstorming Session

    If you all are close, each person comes with a problem that needs solving, and you help each other find solutions. Sometimes we don’t even have a problem; it could be something like wanting to do “this thing” but not knowing how to get started. 

    16. Take a Fitness Class Together

    If losing weight is a goal for you and your pals, take a fitness class together, and, if you can, keep it up to hold everyone accountable.

    17. Take a Pottery Class

    If you are looking for something unique to do, take a pottery class together. 

    18. Have a Tea Party

    Host a tea party at one of your houses with tea, finger sandwiches, and little cakes. To make it more fun, everyone can dress up, and don’t forget to keep your pinky up!

    19. Make Special Drinks Together

    Choose two or three special drinks that you would like and have a class together.

    20. Go to a Food Festival or Cookoff

    Look for festivals in your area and across your state. Festivals are fun to go to and often go on all year. Some ideas are strawberry festivals, pumpkin festivals, or chili cookoffs.

    21. Rollerskate

    If you have a roller rink in your area, dust off those skates and hit the rink for some nostalgia. 80’s tunes, anyone?

    22. Play Games Together

    Get together and play some board games, video games, or outdoor games together. This could be a competitive game of Scrabble, a favorite video game, or a game of basketball or tennis. 

    23. Arrange Flowers

    Buy some flowers, either fake or real, and some vases and spend an afternoon arranging them. Choose a few different projects like bouquets, a corsage, or a vase and create something beautiful. 

    24. Try a Cat Cafe

    As long as no one is allergic, spend some time at your local cat cafe. Not only are the cats cute to look at and available for adoption, but hanging out with cats has lots of health benefits like reducing stress. Who knows, you may find your new best friend. Not a cat person? Have your friends and their furry pups meet you at the local dog park.

    25. Virtual Reality Lounge

    Check out a local virtual reality lounge in your area for some new and exciting fun.

    26. Escape Room

    If you aren’t claustrophobic and like games and figuring things out, head to your local escape room for some fun.

    27. Bowling

    Go to the bowling alley and play a few games. You could even create your own bowling league for the day, with special names like Gutter Ball Gloria, Strikem’ Out Stacy, and Brenda Bowling Shoes. You could even come up with categories and have prizes for the winners. (Ex: Most pins knocked down, best gutter ball throw, and most balls in the gutter.)

    28. Cook Together

    Choose two or three easy meals you would like to make and get together at someone’s house to cook. This way, everyone can take home two to three meals to put in the freezer.

    29. Bake Together

    This is a little sweeter than cooking together, but pick two or three things you would like to bake together so everyone has something to take home. You could make a coffee cake or muffins for breakfast, cookies for a snack, and another kind of cake for a special dessert.

    30. Go “Booking”

    Another idea for the bookworms in your life is to spend the day going to used bookstores in your area and then going out for dinner. This is a great way to add to the to-be-read pile at a good price. 

    31. Go to the theater

    See if your local community center is putting on a show you would like to see and get tickets. Then dress up fancy and have a great time.

    32. Sports Night

    Who says boys are the only ones who can love sports? If you and your gals have a favorite team, whether in football, baseball, or even curling, get together for a big game night with special dips, finger foods, and fun!

    There are many great ways to spend the day with your girlfriends. Whatever you choose, let your hair down and have a great time. You deserve it. 

    Photo Credit: ©Unsplash/Priscilla Du Preez

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    Carrie Lowrance

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  • How MBTI Types Can Influence Love Language Preferences?

    How MBTI Types Can Influence Love Language Preferences?

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    You know that scene in The Notebook when Noah asks Allie, “What do you want?”, and she replies with, “It’s not that easy!”? Knowing what your partner wants and how they feel loved can be complicated, but it doesn’t have to be. With personality and love language tests, you can get a pretty good idea of how you can show your partner love in a way that resonates with them.

    The Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) is one such tool that categorizes personalities into 16 distinct types based on preferences in perception and judgment. These preferences can deeply influence how individuals give and receive love, often reflected in their love languages.

    Dr. Gary Chapman’s concept of the Five Love Languages suggests that people express and experience love primarily through five distinct channels: words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, and physical touch. While everyone may appreciate all of these languages to a degree, individuals often have a primary love language that resonates more profoundly with them.

    Exploring how your MBTI type might align with your love language preferences could open the door to more fulfilling interactions with your partner. It allows for a better understanding of what gestures or words will truly convey your affection and help you recognize the love expressed by others. By aligning the insights from MBTI with your understanding of love languages, you’re equipped to build stronger, more empathetic connections in your relationships.

    Understanding MBTI and Love Languages

    Relationships and connections are deeply influenced by individual personalities and the ways we express affection. Exploring the love languages of MBTI personality types can further enhance our understanding of how different individuals express and experience love.

    Exploring the 16 MBTI Types

    The Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) categorizes personality types based on how people perceive the world and make decisions. These are divided into four key dichotomies: Introversion (I) vs. Extroversion (E), Sensing (S) vs. Intuition (N), Thinking (T) vs. Feeling (F), and Judging (J) vs. Perceiving (P), resulting in 16 unique types. For example, if you’re an INFJ, ‘I’ stands for introversion, indicating a preference for inward focus. Each type suggests distinct characteristics that can affect communication and emotional expression in relationships.

    16 MBTI types personalities

    The Five Love Languages Defined

    Love languages describe the ways in which you prefer to both give and receive love. They are critical in fostering strong, meaningful connections. 

    • Words of Affirmation involve verbal acknowledgments of affection
    • Acts of Service are tasks performed to ease your burdens
    • Receiving Gifts highlights the thoughtfulness behind the gift rather than the item itself
    • Quality Time requires undivided attention
    • Physical Touch is about expressing love through physical closeness

    By knowing your love language, you can communicate your needs more effectively and understand others’ expressions of love in a more profound way.

    Each love language offers a unique approach to building and nurturing relationships. It’s essential to realize the significance of these languages and how they can be tailored based on your MBTI type. Understanding your innate preferences along with your love language can be a transformative tool in creating deeper connections.

    The MBTI Types and Love Language Expression

    MBTI personality types shape how individuals express and prefer to receive love. The nuances of your personality might influence your inclination towards certain love languages.

    Extraversion vs. Introversion

    Your spot on the extraversion-introversion spectrum plays a role in how you manifest love. If you’re an Extravert, you might find joy in expressing affection through active social interactions: think surprise parties or social gatherings. Quality Time for you may involve being out and about with your partner, surrounded by friends or family.

    Introverts, on the other hand, may prefer Quality Time in a one-on-one setting, where deep conversations can unfold. Acts of Service could mean helping you with tasks in a quiet, comfortable environment to show they care without the need for fanfare.

    Sensing vs. Intuition

    If you’re a Sensor, the practical and present-focused aspects of love can resonate with you. You might appreciate love expressed through tangible acts like receiving a gift that has direct usefulness or hands-on assistance. 

    Conversely, if you lean towards Intuition, you could be more receptive to abstract forms of affection, such as heartfelt letters that demonstrate a deep emotional connection and shared dreams for the future.

    Thinking vs. Feeling

    Thinkers might appreciate love languages that communicate affection in clear and logical ways. For you, Words of Affirmation could be about expressing appreciation in a well-thought-out list of reasons why you are valued. 

    Feelers often seek a more emotional connection, finding depth in Physical Touch or heartfelt Words of Affirmation that come from a place of empathy and emotional intuition.

    Judging vs. Perceiving

    If your personality leans towards Judging, you may express love by creating a structured and reliable environment. Acts of Service and setting quality time within a planned schedule demonstrate your commitment. 

    As a Perceiver, spontaneity rules. You might show love through unexpected gifts or surprises, making flexibility and adaptiveness your markers for showing affection.

     

    What is Your Personality Type?

    Comparative Analysis of MBTI and Love Language Compatibility

    Exploring the MBTI and Love Language can reveal fascinating insights into how different personality types express and experience love.

    Compatible MBTI Pairings

    MBTI Type Love Languages Compatible MBTI Type Reason for Compatibility

     
    INFP Quality Time ENFJ Shared Intuition creates deep connections; valuing meaningful conversations quite highly. ENFJ’s extroverted nature complements INFP’s intuitive warmth.
    ESTJ Acts of Service ISFJ Both value tradition and practical support; ISFJ’s nurturing compliments ESTJ’s organizational drive.
    ENFP Words of Affirmation INTJ ENFP’s warmth cracks INTJ’s reserved shell; both enjoy intellectual explorations and cherish individual growth.
    ISTP Physical Touch ESFJ Opposites that attract; ESFJ’s caregiving nature can break through ISTP’s tough exterior.

    Challenges in MBTI Compatibility

    • ENFP/ISTJ: Your warmth and spontaneity may clash with ISTJ’s structured world. The divergence in expressing affection — your Words of Affirmation against their Acts of Service — can create misunderstandings.
    • INTJ/ESFP: As an INTJ, you value deep connections. ESFPs live for the moment which can lead to friction especially if you don’t feel emotionally engaged.
    • INFJ/ESTP: Your need for Quality Time and deep conversation could be overshadowed by ESTP’s desire for excitement and action.
    • ENTJ/INFP: Your drive for efficiency and direct communication may overwhelm an INFP’s sensitive nature and their preference for gentle affirmations.

    Recognizing these challenges is the first step to overcoming them. When you acknowledge how MBTI preferences can impact love language expression, you’re more equipped to foster a harmonious relationship.

    Conclusion

    The synergy between the MBTI personality types and the Five Love Languages offers a nuanced approach to understanding and enhancing relationships. By exploring how these two frameworks intersect, individuals can gain deeper insights into their own needs and those of their partners, leading to more meaningful and fulfilling connections.

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  • Deny Yourself These 7 Things and See How Happy Your Spouse Is

    Deny Yourself These 7 Things and See How Happy Your Spouse Is

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    Most of us are uncomfortable with the idea of denying ourselves, especially from the things that give us momentary pleasure. Whether it be that second slice of cheesecake, or that weekly online shopping spree, the challenge to deny ourselves isn’t an easy challenge to accept.

    But what if the concept of denying yourself became less about self and more about others? For marriage, in particular, what if practicing self-denial in certain areas would lead to a more fulfilled and happy marriage?

    The truth is, there are certain habits we practice so frequently—without a single thought of denying ourselves—we start to assume those habits are our “rights.” But when couples are so focused on their individual rights, they often lose sight of the oneness God created for the marriage union.

    Here are 7 ways denying yourself will not only help you become less self-centered, but also make your spouse happy in the process 

    1. Deny Avoiding Intimacy

    Avoiding intimacy, or denying your spouse of lovemaking, can literally tear your marriage apart. Not only does it go against the Bible, according to 1 Corinthians 7:5, it goes against the blessing of oneness that God designed.

    Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. (1Corinthians 7:5)

    Deny yourself the excuses of avoiding intimacy, and you might find a renewed closeness that fosters both love and romance.

    2. Deny Overspending

    Countless marital struggles arise due to financial stress. And most of the time, consistent overspending is the culprit. If you struggle with overspending in your marriage, try to see your spouse’s point of view. How can self-denial in this area help your marriage thrive instead of merely survive?

    For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evils. It is through this craving that some have wandered away from the faith and pierced themselves with many pangs. (1 Timothy 6:10 ESV)

    By denying yourself the “right” to overspend, you’ll be showing your spouse respect for their hard work, and respect for your household finances. Hopefully, this will lead to a more balanced and happy marriage.

    3. Deny Scrolling Social Media

    Our spouses can easily feel ignored and unimportant when we are constantly scrolling social media. I’ve seen couples sitting across from each other in restaurants, on their phones, totally ignoring one another for the entire duration of their meal.

    This is a big issue in our marriages today. According to this article, “the deeper issue is the feeling of disconnect you or your partner experiences when you get lost in your phone. You don’t truly listen or make eye contact, thus making your spouse feel ignored.”

    While it’s tempting to check your phone every few minutes, make the decision to turn it off when sharing a meal or quality moment with your spouse. This is one form of self-denial that will truly make a difference in how you connect.

    Do to others as you would like them to do to you. (Luke 6:31 NLT)

    4. Deny Talking Too Much

    Everyone likes to feel heard. And when one spouse constantly manipulates the conversation, it doesn’t take long for the other to start tuning them out. This isn’t the kind of communication that fosters a healthy marriage. 

    Consider the ways in which you can be a better listener and deny yourself the habit of talking too much. Here are a few actionable tips that might help:

    • Pray and ask God to help you listen more than you speak.
    • Ask your spouse about their day before you tell them about yours.
    • Turn off your phone and look them in the eye as they talk.
    • Resist the urge to interrupt or make your opinion known, unless specifically asked for.
    • Repeat what your spouse is telling you, to let them know you heard them.

    Ultimately, when you deny talking too much, you are opening the door of healthy communication in your marriage, which will only lead to a happier, more responsive spouse.

    My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry. (James 1:19)

    Photo Credit: ©iStock/Getty Images Plus/Carolyn Horlings

    5. Deny Being Lazy

    If you’re constantly procrastinating, by putting off important things such as paying the bills, cleaning the house, or making dinner, consider denying yourself the nonconstructive pattern of laziness. 

    Of course, there will be seasons when neither spouse has the energy to cook or clean, but make those seasons far and few between. Instead of giving into laziness or procrastination, come up with a system that works for both of you. This might mean you alternate cooking and cleaning. It might mean you run errands on designated days. Whatever you choose, deny yourself the continuous habit of letting things go. Both you and your spouse will benefit from a workable schedule that gets things done.

    May the favor of the Lord our God rest on us; establish the work of our hands for us—yes, establish the work of our hands. (Psalm 90:17)

    6. Deny Asking for More

    Discontentment in marriage is a dangerous thing. Not only does it always want more, it doesn’t appreciate what it already has. If you find yourself discontent—more often than not—try to get to the root of your unhappiness and get the help needed to find contentment.

    According to this post, “Our conflict with others increases when our own contentment decreases. This is particularly true for our marriages. The opposite is true too—When our contentment increases—our conflict with others decreases.”

    Make your spouse happy by denying yourself persistent discontentment. When discontented feelings arise, turn those feelings into offerings of thanksgiving. Make it a practice to thank the Lord for three things that are good in your life, every time discontentment raises its ugly head. Before long, you’ll be in a new habit of gratefulness and contentment.

    Not that I speak from want, for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am. I know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need. I can do all things through Him who strengthens me. (Philippians 4:11-13)

    7. Deny Demanding Spiritual Maturity

    For Christian couples who are walking with the Lord, there can be a tendency to judge one another’s spiritual maturity. The danger of this is that the spouse who feels judged will either become resentful or feel defeated in their faith. 

    It is important to deny yourself the practice of demanding spiritual maturity from your spouse. This doesn’t mean you can’t encourage them in their faith. However, it does mean you don’t have the right to condemn them.

    The Holy Spirit is the One who grows us up. It’s not our place to discount our spouse’s personal journey with the Lord. It’s our duty to build them up in the faith and walk humbly with God as an example.

    He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God? (Micah 6:8)

    While denying yourself certain things does make your spouse happy, it would be wise to approach self-denial as a commitment to follow the ways of the Lord. In doing this, denying yourself becomes less about your efforts and more about walking in the Holy Spirit. Rely on the wisdom of God to lead you into a healthy place of willingness, and deny yourself for the sake of a happy and thriving marriage.

    Related Resource: Listen to our new, FREE podcast on marriage: Team Us. The best marriages have a teamwork mentality. Find practical, realistic ideas for strengthening your marriage. Listen to an episode here, and then head over to LifeAudio.com to check out all of our episodes:

    Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/InnerVisionPRO

    Jennifer WaddleJennifer Waddle is the author of several books, including Prayer WORRIER: Turning Every Worry into Powerful Prayer, and is a regular contributor for LifeWay, Crosswalk, Abide, and Christians Care International. Jennifer’s online ministry is EncouragementMama.com where you can find her books and sign up for her weekly post, Discouragement Doesn’t Win. She resides with her family near the foothills of the Rocky Mountains—her favorite place on earth. 

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  • Friends Wanted (Good Ones Only, Please)

    Friends Wanted (Good Ones Only, Please)

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    Disclaimer: This isn’t therapy, and Dr. Audrey’s advice is for the general audience, meaning it may not always work for everyone. 

    Dr. Audrey, I read your article, Don’t Have Close Friends? Consider This. It’s a very good article, but I’m more introverted than extroverted. My question is, I have tried in [the] past volunteering to be a good friend, only to be taken advantage of and disrespected. It hasn’t worked for [me] thus far. Any suggestions? Maybe I didn’t set boundaries when volunteering to be a friend. Please advise. —W

    Thank you for your kind words. Hearing readers’ feedback always spurs me on, but especially uplifting ones like yours. 

    Your struggle to find good friends is a common one, as recent surveys revealed. Some have observed that making friends as an adult can be hard to do.

    The fact that you’re interested in making new friends despite our society’s friendless norm is worth applauding.

    But this brings us to your question. 

    How? 

    More specifically, how can you make friends with people who are, emotionally speaking, healthy enough? In other words, how do you find friends who would be interested in you instead of what you can do for them? 

    It would be even better if these friends were mature enough to own their mistakes—whenever they do something that offends or hurts you—and try to repair the rupture.

    But how do you build a friendship with this kind of individual?

    Wrong Motivations for Friendship

    I understand you’ve tried to be a good friend, only to be let down. I’m sorry about this crummy outcome. These things can—and do—happen, but there are ways to minimize the chances of you being taken advantage of. Let’s start by doing a little digging about why you do what you do—specifically, in the context of making friends.

    Here’s what I mean:

    Many have tried to form friendships based on emotionally unhealthy reasons, even if they weren’t necessarily aware of these factors. Some may be sacrificing copious amounts of time and energy because they’re driven by these needs: 

    -Guilt avoidance

    The Bible instructs us to do good works and be helpful (Ephesians 2:10, Galatians 6:9-10). However, we can be doing good deeds out of fear—of making God angry if we disobey, or being frowned on by church leadership. Depending on your theology, you might even fear that unless you obey the Bible word for word, your salvation is at stake. 

    Please know, however, that doing things out of guilt will not pay off. 

    -Preventing loneliness

    Some who are desperate to flee loneliness might squash their own objections and stick around anyway, even if the company they’re with spouts off political ideologies that oppose theirs, consume addictive substances, use foul language, and so on. 

    -To feel wanted or needed

    Years ago, I used to know a guy who had to pay for everyone’s meal every time we dined out. Had to. He was polite about it, but he also insisted on paying, no matter what the total was.

    Did he do it so we would crave his presence? I wonder. 

    -To fend off rejection or abandonment

    One sign you’re operating out of this motivation is if you’re always ready to accommodate, regardless of what others ask of you or how much you’ll have to swallow your own needs to make it happen. 

    Self-Led Friendship

    Now what?

    The best way to make friends, according to Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, is by being Self-led. 

    If the phrase conflicts with what you’ve heard at church—because aren’t we supposed to rely on God and not ourselves?—let me translate. See the capitalized “S” in Self? That’s not a typo. The first letter in Self is intentionally capitalized to distinguish the IFS concept of Self from the usual meaning of the word. So, think of Self as our spirit, which houses the Holy Spirit (John 3:6). 

    To be Self-led is to be led by the Holy Spirit.

    How do we make friends by being Self-led? I’ll share three ways, but let me issue a fair warning first. These steps will involve talking to yourself and considering your soul as consisting of multiple parts, something that might feel funny at first. 

    Still, I encourage you to give this modality a try. As for me and my clients—as well as scores of people around the world who have obtained breakthroughs using IFS—working with parts is an effective way to move forward.

    1. Learn to Say “No”

    I hear you say that you might have been a bit lax with your boundaries when you volunteered to be a good friend. If this is your hunch, go with it. Spend time with your internal world and be curious. Why didn’t you set firm boundaries with that friend?

    Let’s say the answer is because there’s a part of you that feels obligated to people-please, so you often find yourself responding to requests with a uniform answer—always an affirmative, no matter what.

    However, if you have mixed feelings about the request to begin with, answering a request with “yes” can trigger resentment. It might also stir up feelings of being exploited. 

    All this to say, it pays to talk to any part of you that wouldn’t let you set or defend your boundaries. Get to know the part by asking it the following questions: (After you pose each question, don’t think up the answer. Just listen to what you hear on the inside. The answer from your part might come in the form of a memory, thought, or feeling.) 

    -How long have you been doing this job for me?

    -What do you fear might happen if you stop urging me to please others?

    -Are you aware that pleasing other people comes with a price, like having to sacrifice my needs?  

    -Would you be willing to stop people-pleasing if there’s a better way to live?

    This part might have been pushing you to mutter a forced yes—instead of an honest no—so you won’t suffer rejection, which is why the next step is crucial:

    2. Heal Emotional Pain

    Is there unhealed emotional pain from yesteryear? Rejection, betrayal, being abandoned by your family or friends—all of these qualify for emotional healing. 

    According to Psalm 42:7, “deep calls unto deep” (NKJV). Within the context of our discussion, this verse means we attract friends with a similar level of emotional health we possess. The healthier you are, the more you’ll attract people who have, similarly, pursued healing for their psychological pain.  

    There are numerous routes you can take and still arrive at the healing of your internal world. Check out this guide to improving your mental health if you need a place to start.

    3. Conflict Resolution

    Conflict is inevitable. This is true among Christians, with the best of friends, and even when your friendship is Self-led. 

    So, consider confronting the friend who disrespected you. Or the one who took advantage of you. Speak from your heart and explain your hurt. 

    If the idea of conflict resolution makes you squirm, however, help is here. The bonus chapter for my small book, Surviving Difficult People, is available for free on my website. If you download it, you’ll find one way of doing conflict resolution, broken down into bite-sized chunks. 

    With that, I’ll bid you adieu.

    May your future friendships be rich and fulfilling!

    Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/Zorica Nastasic

    Audrey Davidheiser, PhD is a California licensed psychologist, certified Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapist, and IFSI-approved clinical consultant. After founding and directing a counseling center for the Los Angeles Dream Center, she now devotes her practice to survivors of trauma—including spiritual abuse. If you need her advice, visit her on www.aimforbreakthrough.com and Instagram @DrAudreyD.

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  • Why Are We Lonelier Than Ever in a Connected World?

    Why Are We Lonelier Than Ever in a Connected World?

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    Thomas Wolfe once wrote, “The whole conviction of my life now rests upon the belief that loneliness, far from being a rare and curious phenomenon, peculiar to myself and to a few other solitary men, is the central and inevitable fact of human existence.”[1] 

    For Wolfe, loneliness is the spiritual condition of humanity. For most of us, however, loneliness amounts to little more than a problem of physical health. As is typical of a culture that sees spirituality as a purely private phenomenon, we’ve translated loneliness into a matter of public health, choosing to concentrate on its deleterious effects on a person’s physical well-being. Those physical effects, among them high blood pressure, heart disease, obesity, and anxiety, are indeed harmful, but they remain symptoms of an underlying spiritual condition.[2] Why is loneliness at “epidemic” levels in an age that’s more connected than ever? If email represented a drastic new infringement on our privacy, the advent of smartphones and social media has only exacerbated the issue, further blurring the line between public and private life. In short, it takes serious effort to get away from the constant clamor of voices. Not even an airplane offers the reprieve it once did. Yet we remain desperately lonely.

    The spiritual character of loneliness becomes clear when we recognize that it’s possible to be lonely in a crowd and content in seclusion. Think of the experience of being on a busy commuter train and still feeling lonely and isolated. Conversely, the novelist Marilynne Robinson speaks of her childhood in Idaho, where the word lonesome describes a sacred state of solitude that enlivened the mind and quickened the senses.[3] If loneliness were merely a physical problem, surely proximity to other human beings would be sufficient to mitigate its most severe effects. In fact, social proximity has left the problem of loneliness in our society largely untouched. Why? In a word, because we’re treating spiritual symptoms in purely physical terms. If we want to confront the challenge of loneliness that’s wreaking such havoc in our culture, we must go to its spiritual roots—namely, our estrangement from Christ. 

    The Foundation of Relational Spirituality  

    In Conformed to His Image, I argue, “In the deepest sense, Christianity is not a religion but a relationship that is born out of the trinitarian love of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.”[4] In a time of great loneliness, fear, and isolation, we would all do well to dwell on the nature of God’s love for us: “God’s loyal love for us is causeless (Romans 5:6), measureless (5:7-8), and ceaseless (5:9-11).”[5] Such abundant love is a mystery in the deepest sense of that word—namely, it’s a reality that exceeds our full comprehension. To be sure, this doesn’t mean that understanding the matter permanently evades us. Rather, it means that we can never plumb the depths of God’s love for us. No time is ever wasted on contemplating the extravagance of our Lord’s love for us. 

    Because He first loved us, we must begin by dwelling on God’s love and then learn to see ourselves and others in the light of it. If we fail to acknowledge the initiating action of God’s love toward us, we cannot love properly. If it’s possible to be lonely on a crowded train, in a busy office, in a church, or in a marriage, it’s also possible for God to transform our loneliest moments into times of profound intimacy. This doesn’t mean that all sadness is immediately eradicated from our lives, but it does mean that a vital relationship with our Lord grants us the stability of resting in His love rather than constantly depending on others for affirmation and fulfillment. At its heart, loneliness is a spiritual problem, and as such, the only way to address it is to address the most important relationship in our lives. Treating physical symptoms alone will offer temporary relief at best and ongoing despair at worst. 

    How do we prioritize our relationship with Christ? Ours is an age obsessed with methodology and technique. For this reason, we’re more inclined to read books or listen to podcasts about the Bible, prayer, and church than we are to actually read God’s word, pray daily, and serve in our local congregations. Precisely because we’re at a moment of spiritual crisis in our culture. However, we must go back to basics. In short, if we want to cultivate a vibrant relationship with our Savior, we must recover the time-tested practices that have served God’s people down the ages. We must read our Bibles and commit generous portions to memory. 

    To those who object that memorization doesn’t come easily to them, call to mind the vast amounts of song lyrics, movie quotes, and other pop culture trivia that most of us carry around in our heads. We remember what we choose to dwell on. Sometimes, that’s a sobering thought. The problem is often that our imaginations have been nourished more by the wider culture than by Christ, His word, and His people. For those of us who follow Christ, prayer must be as routine as brushing one’s teeth. If that statement runs the risk of trivializing something as profound as prayer, let’s also guard against the tendency to elevate our spiritual lives into irrelevance. If prayer is difficult, pray God’s word, starting with the Psalms. In God’s word, we have all we need, whether it involves words of praise or lament. Finally, we must return to the pews and do more than be consumers of “spiritual goods and services”—Eugene Peterson’s pungent phrase. We must be active members in our local congregations, serving others, and helping to clean up the many messes, ours included. People are messy, but we serve a good God whose church prevails in spite of our shortcomings. In sum, start addressing your relationship with Christ by reading His word, praying, and attending church. Basic as all these practices may seem, they are in desperate need of recovery.   

    If all of these practices are integral to one’s life, loneliness will cease to be an all-consuming problem. Naturally, we live in a fallen world and will continue struggling with aspects of loneliness. But we will no longer be in bondage to it. The tragic attempt to treat a spiritual malady in purely physical terms is a recipe for frustration and, ultimately, despair. By prioritizing our relationship with Christ, we will be liberated to love ourselves and others well because He first loved us.   

     [1] Thomas Wolfe, The Complete Short Stories of Thomas Wolfe ed. Francis E. Skipp (New York: Scribner, 1989), 492.
    [2]Available online: https://www.ama-assn.org/delivering-care/public-health/what-doctors-wish-patients-knew-about-loneliness-and-health#:~:text=Loneliness%20%E2%80%9Ccan%20have%20serious%20mental,memory%20issues%20and%20even%20death.%E2%80%9D
    [3] Marilynne Robinson, When I Was a Child I Read Books (New York: Farrar, Straus and Giroux, 2012), 88.
    [4] Ken Boa, Conformed to His Image: Biblical, Practical Approaches to Spiritual Formation (Revised Edition) (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan Academic, 2020), 16.
    [5] Ibid., 14.
    Photo Credit:  Image created using DALL.E 2024  AI technology and subsequently edited and reviewed by our editorial team.

    Kenneth Boa equips people to love well (being), learn well (knowing), and live well (doing). He is a writer, teacher, speaker, and mentor and is the President of Reflections Ministries, The Museum of Created Beauty, and Trinity House Publishers.

    Publications by Dr. Boa include Conformed to His Image, Handbook to Prayer, Handbook to Leadership, Faith Has Its Reasons, Rewriting Your Broken Story, Life in the Presence of God, Leverage, and Recalibrate Your Life.

    Dr. Boa holds a B.S. from Case Institute of Technology, a Th.M. from Dallas Theological Seminary, a Ph.D. from New York University, and a D.Phil. from the University of Oxford in England. 

    Cameron McAllisterCameron McAllister is the director of content for Reflections Ministries. He is also one half of the Thinking Out Loud Podcast, a weekly podcast about current events and Christian hope. He is the co-author (with his father, Stuart) of Faith That Lasts: A Father and Son On Cultivating Lifelong Belief. He lives in the Atlanta area with his wife and two kids.

    This article originally appeared on Christianity.com. For more faith-building resources, visit

    Christianity.com. Christianity.com

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  • A Christian’s Stance on Bullying

    A Christian’s Stance on Bullying

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    As someone who was bullied in middle school, I am well aware of the negative effects of bullying and how it can affect a person’s mental, emotional, and physical well-being. Bullying needs to end because it only causes harm to the person who is being bullied—no good comes from tearing someone else down, even if it builds a bully’s false sense of ego. Despite it being impossible to say bullying will be eradicated from society anytime soon, it’s vital that Christians stand up against this hurtful behavior. In everything we do, we need to glorify God in our actions and He would never stand for bullying.

    The way Christians must respond to bullying is by taking a bold stand against it. It is terrible that bullying still exists in the modern day; however, it is something that is in existence because of sin (and has only been enhanced thanks to today’s technology). As long as sin is in the world, bullying will continue. I mentioned above that I encountered bullying in middle school. I was bullied in the sixth grade and this caused my mother to take me out of public school. My older sisters were also bullied in public school in previous years so my mother also took them out of public school and homeschooled them too.

    I was bullied because of my appearance and my weight. The latter was one of the many factors that caused me to develop anorexia. My thought pattern consisted of thinking that if I lost weight, nobody could make fun of me anymore, nor could they bully me. Though this line of logic was obviously wrong, it’s hard to change the mind of a preteen teenager.

    Thankfully, being homeschooled got rid of the bullying, but I’m not sure how much worse the bullying could have gotten if I had stayed in public school. If you were bullied at school, or any other point in life, know that what the bully did to you was wrong. They had no right to hurt you in that way, nor did they have any right to cause you pain. Oftentimes, we feel it is our fault for being bullied because we make ourselves an “easy target,” but this isn’t true because no one deserves to be ridiculed. 

    There is an excessive need for bullying to stop. Even though I’m not in school anymore, there is still bullying going on in public schools, private schools, colleges, and in the real world. Sadly, there is no timeline for bullying as even adults bully others in the workplace and relationships. As Christians, we need to do all we can to help cease bullying, or at the very least take a stance against it in our personal lives.

    If you have been bullied or someone close to you has been bullied, you know how much you want justice to prevail and for the bully to be held accountable for their actions. This is why we shouldn’t sit on the sidelines any longer. We must stand against bullying in our words and actions. This means that we cannot sit idle or believe it is just a children’s game when it comes to bullying. As mentioned, full adults can be bullies (and are often the grown-up versions of the kids who bullied us in school). 

    What Would Jesus Do?

    When discussing how we as Christians should respond, we need to look at the example of Jesus. While it is true that Jesus teaches us to turn the other cheek, it doesn’t mean He says it’s okay for people to walk all over us. Rather, Jesus wants us to stand up for our safety and the well-being of others. If we see someone being bullied, Jesus wants us to come to their side and help them. In the same way, if we are being bullied, we don’t need to turn a deaf ear. If someone is bullying you now, you need to notify a parent, a teacher, or a boss. Tell someone in an authority position what is going on so you have them as support. 

    If it is a legal matter, such as being harassed or bullied on the streets, notify the police. Over the past year, I have had to fill out more police reports than I can count. On my daily walk, I’ve been having teenage boys drive by in cars screaming at me and looping back several times to blow their horns and scream at me more. It’s very stressful and scary, to say the least. Despite being an adult, I still face bullying.

    In these situations, we have to think of what Jesus would do. While Jesus would show mercy and forgiveness, He also wants justice to prevail. If someone is bullying a person and hurting them, justice requires that the wrongdoer pay for their actions. God is a God of justice and He wants to see justice given to those who have been hurt. If you are someone who has been bullied or is experiencing bullying right now, know that justice will prevail. Inform everyone of the bullying. Bullies want to make us feel alone or without hope, but this isn’t true. We have hope in God and in the people God has placed in our lives.

    Don’t keep silent. Use your voice and speak up. Don’t be afraid to tell the police, the principal, or your boss about the bullying that is going on. If you are someone who knows their loved one is being bullied, speak up for them. Tell an authority figure what is going on because nothing will change if nothing is said. 

    Our voices are weapons, and we can use them for good. We have to tell authority figures about what is going on in order for the bullying to stop. As I have done with contacting the police and filling out police reports, you can do the same. Don’t be afraid to speak up for yourself or to speak up for others. If you don’t do anything, the bullying will only continue. If you speak up and say something to an authority figure, they will be able to make the bully stop or even remove them from the situation altogether. 

    What Can We Do As Christians

    As Christians, there is much we can do. God wants the bullying to stop, and He can give you the strength to speak up for yourself and others. God has also protected you in many ways from bullies, both in the spiritual and physical world, you haven’t noticed yet. He is always watching over you, and He will keep you safe.

    This is something we all need to remind ourselves when we are faced with bullies. Even though our bullies might look big and intimidating, they are only humans like us. God is more powerful and more strong than any bully. We can always count on God to have our backs, and He will give us the victory. Just as David defeated Goliath, the Lord will help us defeat the Goliaths in our lives (1 Samuel 17:50-53). 

    The first step to doing this is to speak up and talk to someone about it. It might be scary at first, but understand that talking to an authority figure will help the bullying stop. As Christians, we need to do all we can to stop bullying and make sure that we know what to do when it personally affects us. Through educating ourselves and others on bullying, we will be able to help more people who have been affected by bullying. Not to mention, we could also help prevent many people from ever being bullied in the first place. As Christians, we are to be the hands and feet of Jesus to the world, which often looks like doing everything we can to stop bullying. 

    Photo Credit: ©Getty-Motortion

    Vivian Bricker loves Jesus, studying the Word of God, and helping others in their walk with Christ. She has earned a Bachelor of Arts and Master’s degree in Christian Ministry with a deep academic emphasis in theology. Her favorite things to do are spending time with her family and friends, reading, and spending time outside. When she is not writing, she is embarking on other adventures.

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  • Your Husband Isn’t the Enemy

    Your Husband Isn’t the Enemy

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    We had a showdown at MC Wholesale the other day. Pull out the tumbleweeds and gun fire and we would’ve had a fight. 

    This wasn’t any argument. It was an argument over a $5 piece of technology my husband desperately pleaded he needed. To him it was a need. I called it a want or desire.

    After being asked 35 times with the word “please,” I hung my head in defeat. “I’m not going to lose my marriage over a stupid piece of equipment,” I remarked. “Go get it,” I relented. “Only if you’re okay with it,” my husband replied. I wasn’t, but I obliged. I hadn’t given up my mind. After two hours of arguing in the store, however, I realized it wasn’t worth it.

    As much as I didn’t want my husband to buy that piece of technology I would call junk, the fact was this: my husband isn’t the enemy. I suspect that yours (or your spouse or significant other isn’t the enemy either).

    Did I realize that while talking heatedly in the store? Absolutely not. Did I realize it later and regret some choice words said? Yes. Perhaps my mishap in the store can prevent you from your own.

    Here are two things I learned:

    1. Check Your Priorities

    For me, this entire situation began long before Ben saw this “beautiful piece of technology” he just had to have. It didn’t matter to me that it was “worth $1000,” “a stellar deal,” or could “just sit quietly in the basement.” What mattered was that any clutter stresses me out and makes me anxious. 

    Growing up in a home fragmented by abuse, chaos, and pain has often made stuff the enemy. It’s not that stuff did anything to me, but it was always present in my trauma.

    Piles of laundry remind me of long days and longer nights with my mom. Doing all the chores ourselves without a helping hand.

    Paper and piles remind me of overdue bills and hectic grocery trips. Did we have enough money or did someone spend it all? Could we afford to use the AC, or would we need to spend another night using the windows?

    Misplaced items we didn’t need or have room for remind me of extravagant things people would bring into our home that we clearly couldn’t afford. They remind me of someone trying to buy my love when all I really wanted was their time.

    So as Ben and I left the store and sat in the car, I thought about my priorities. He knew the concerns I’d voiced about clutter and anxiety, and I knew his. But I had to trust him and prioritize our relationship over being right or wrong in this disagreement. As my Grandma Memo often quotes, “Sometimes, agreeing to disagree,” is the healthiest and best thing you can do in that moment. It may very well still be uncomfortable and unpleasant, but it can help table the conversation until later when both parties are in a better headspace. 

    2. Check Your Heart

    The second thing this incident revealed to me is stated in the title but worth noting and explaining.

    When arguments happen, we’re quick to place blame, aim, shoot, and fire. If we’re not careful, we will place blame where blame was never due.

    In this particular situation, both my husband and I exemplified habits and said things we wished we hadn’t. There were many things that would’ve been better than how we handled it. Can you relate? We’re almost a year into marriage and still learning a lot. I figure I’ll be learning my entire life. But one thing I felt Christ tell me was, “Your husband isn’t the enemy.” I needed to check my heart. Do you?

    So many arguments in our lives could be prevented if we immediately took them to Christ before responding. Did I do this as soon as Ben and I disagreed? No. Did I do it fifteen minutes later? Yes. What did God tell me? To listen, have grace, and recognize the true enemy.

    Friend, no matter the situation, argument, or unpleasant circumstance you may be dealing with, I guarantee you that the person, place, or thing, isn’t the enemy. We all know that Satan is declared a liar, a thief, and someone who seeks to destroy us. Satan‘s goal is to distract us from Christ by making those around us the enemy. As Christians, we have to be wiser and smarter than that. 

    Scripture tells us that the thief has come to steal, kill, and destroy, but Jesus has come to give us life and life to the fullest (John 10:10). If Satan can turn our friends, family, world, leaders, and nations into the enemy, then he’s already won. Don’t let him.

    Take Your Heart to Christ

    I’m not saying that what someone did to you is right or wasn’t a sin. We live in a fallen world with broken people who do and say things they shouldn’t all of the time. The abuse, manipulation, and pain that you’ve experienced are real and heartbreaking. That physical or mental trauma matters—because you matter.

    What I am saying is that before we respond to situations, we need to think. We need to make sure that our priorities and our hearts are right and not right in the sense of the world, but right in the sense of being aligned with Christ and what the Scriptures say. Why? Because doing so can prevent heartache, words spoken too soon, and reactions based on emotions rather than fairness.

    I’m an emotional person. I’ve experienced tragedy, heartache, heartbreak, trauma, and pain. But I’m learning to realize those around me aren’t the enemy. I hope this post can encourage you to learn and do the same. 

    It’s not going to be easy. It’s also not a one-and-done process. Remember, there are no quick fixes or simple answers in this life. But over time, as we allow the Spirit to work in and through us, it’s worth it.

    The next time you’re in a heated room and you feel yourself growing antsy, take a deep breath and ask yourself, “What are my priorities, and have I checked my heart?” Your husband, significant other, best friend, sister, brother, mom, dad, grandma, grandpa, aunt, teacher, professor, boss, you name it, isn’t the enemy. And he will do anything and everything to convince you that he isn’t. Stand on guard. Know who the bad guy really is and call him out—not those you love.

    Agape, Amber

    Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/fizkes

    Amber Ginter is a teacher-turned-author who loves Jesus, her husband Ben, and granola. Growing up Amber looked for faith and mental health resources and found none. Today, she offers hope for young Christians struggling with mental illness that goes beyond simply reading your Bible and praying more. Because you can love Jesus and still suffer from anxiety. You can download her top faith and mental health resources for free to help navigate books, podcasts, videos, and influencers from a faith lens perspective. Visit her website at amberginter.com.

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  • A Marriage Checklist for Christians

    A Marriage Checklist for Christians

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    If you are dating or engaged, thoughts about marriage are bound to pass through your mind. It’s good to ask questions about whether or not you are ready. Take your time thinking about them because they will help you considerably. Most importantly, talk with God about your thoughts and be honest with Him. It’s okay if you don’t feel ready for marriage right away or unsure if you’re with “the one.” Take your time and see where God leads. 

    Read through this checklist to ensure you’re doing all you can to follow God’s lead in marriage:

    Are You Consulting God? 

    Consulting with God is the best thing to do when you are unsure about whether you are ready or not for marriage. Marriage is a huge step and something that should not be taken lightly. Marriage is a sacred covenant before the eyes of God. Once you are married to someone, you both become one flesh (Genesis 2:24). As we can see, this is a huge commitment and one that endures throughout our lives. 

    This is why you must make sure you really know a person and want to spend your life with them. Divorce is only biblical if your spouse is unfaithful to you or abuses you (Matthew 5:32). Abuse goes against God’s design for marriage as detailed by the Apostle Paul (Ephesians 5:22-33). You shouldn’t divorce someone just because you are tired of them or you aren’t attracted to them anymore. Keep this in mind when you are considering marriage because it is a lifelong commitment and can be hard in certain seasons.

    Go to God with all of your worries, fears, and concerns. If you are unsure about marriage right now, tell God about it. If you are really excited to get married right now, tell God about that too. It is normal to feel nervous and scared at times to take this next big step, but it is also important to know that if you are marrying the right person you should feel safe and secure with them. If you are having doubts, it is important to bring them up to the Lord.

    Ask the Lord to help you figure out whether you are ready for marriage or not. He will use the Word to help point you in the right direction. If you are ready for marriage and are with the right person, it will be made known to you. However, if it is too soon for you to get married or if you are with the wrong person, God will also make that known to you. God wants you to be happy and sometimes that means waiting a little bit longer. 

    This does not mean you have to end things with your partner; however, it does mean maybe you should take things a bit slower. If you have only recently met, it might be best to wait a little while longer before you start talking about marriage. However, if you have been dating for a while and truly know each other, love each other, and are willing to commit to each other, then it’s good to go ahead and start thinking about marriage. God will give you clarity if you ask Him. 

    Are You Talking with Trusted Believers and Heeding Their Advice? 

    It’s also important to talk with other trusted believers when you are trying to answer the question of whether you are ready for marriage or not. They can be a great unbiased resource to help point you in the right direction. Not only this, but they will also be able to pray for you and ask God to make His will known to you. Trusted believers will be able to help you answer these hard questions, and if they are truly your friends, they won’t be afraid to give you their honest opinions.

    If you are relatively young, know that marriage is not a race. Trusted Christians in your life will also help remind you of this truth. If you are a teenager, know that it might be best to wait a few years before you decide to get married. It’s wise to wait and truly know the person before you commit your life to them. While many people might see this as restrictive, it is extremely helpful. Take your time and don’t feel like you have to marry the first person you meet. 

    Consult with trusted believers and listen to their input. Be open-minded and do not allow pride to get in the way of truly hearing them out. Older and wiser Christians will be able to help you in ways that your own thoughts cannot. You have to be willing to listen to them and truly think about what they are telling you. Marriage is a beautiful thing, but it should not be something that is rushed into.  

    Are You Being Open with Your Partner? 

    In order to know if you are ready for marriage, you need to be open with your partner. If you are engaged and are having doubts, be open with them about it. Maybe you are worried about something in their past or you are afraid of something in your own past. If you are already engaged, this should be a sign that your partner really cares about you and wants to spend their life with you. If you know their love is unwavering, you shouldn’t be afraid to share your worries and concerns.

    Don’t downplay this or make this less important than it is. If you are going to marry them, they should be a Christian, which means they should treat you and love you as Jesus treats and loves the Church. If the person you are dating or engaged to is not a believer, then it is time to end the relationship.

    Is the Person a Christian Who Loves Jesus? 

    The Bible is clear that marriage should only be between one male believer and one female believer. As a Christian, you are commanded not to be unequally yoked with an unbeliever (2 Corinthians 6:14). I mention this point because there are many Christians who marry unbelievers, and their marriages are broken because both people aren’t built upon God. If your marriage is not built upon God, it will fall.

    You need to marry a believer because only a Christian will be able to lead you in the Lord, love you as Jesus loves the Church, and truly want the best for you as you grow in your relationship with the Lord. An unbeliever will not be able to help you grow in your walk with Christ nor will they love you as Jesus loves the Church. Choose to only date believers, and this will ensure you are marrying someone you are truly compatible with in life, love, and faith. 

    Marriage is a beautiful thing and it gives you the opportunity to serve Christ through your marriage. Consult God, talk with other trusted believers, and be open with your significant other. Between all these things, you will be able to know if you are ready for marriage. 

    Photo Credit: ©Sandy Millar/Unsplash

    Vivian Bricker loves Jesus, studying the Word of God, and helping others in their walk with Christ. She has earned a Bachelor of Arts and Master’s degree in Christian Ministry with a deep academic emphasis in theology. Her favorite things to do are spending time with her family and friends, reading, and spending time outside. When she is not writing, she is embarking on other adventures.

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  • Is everyone solo dating without me? why solitude is the next big wellness trend

    Is everyone solo dating without me? why solitude is the next big wellness trend

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    This is equally applicable IRL, since sometimes, we need a reminder that we don’t only exist in relation to — and for — other people. For example: Are you someone who always has to ask for advice before making a decision? Solo dating can help you unlearn that behaviour. “We all benefit from validation, and it’s not unusual to seek it. However, seeking external validation can become an issue when you’re not able to provide yourself with any internal validation,” Dr. Zarrabi says, and Zakeri agrees.

    “Many have an inclination to people please — ‘I don’t care, you pick! Whatever you want is fine with me’! — solo dating challenges that and encourages us to trust ourselves,” Zakeri says. But it’s not just about trusting ourselves. “There is self-compassion, but there is also really liking yourself and enjoying time with yourself,” she clarifies. “By solo dating, you get to know yourself deeper and change your relationship with yourself.”

    This practice is especially healing for anyone who might feel “unlovable” or whom society has told that some aspect of them is, Dr. Brownfield adds. “For example, some LGBTQ+ people have to learn to love themselves despite living in a society that can teach them they are unlovable,” she says. “Solo dating, therapy, and affirming relationships are all ways to help them dismantle any internalised homophobia and build self-love.”

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    Finally, solo dating allows us to see that the activities we typically view as “shared” don’t have to be treated as such. “You can enjoy these activities all on your own, whether it be going to a movie, dining out, or going to a museum,” Dr. Brownfield says. “Solo dating allows you to reclaim enjoyable activities in your life, instead of them only being seen as shared activities.”

    The pros of solo dating are endless, she continues. “You get to do something enjoyable without it depending on others’ availability. You get to know more about yourself. You learn what things you like or don’t like without the social pressure of other people’s opinions and without trying to impress someone.”

    Solo dating enthusiasts definitely agree. “I’m an only child, so I’ve basically been taking myself on solo dates my whole life,” GLAMOUR US deputy editor Anna Moeslein says. “I think I need to recharge my social battery more than most, so it’s a way for me to get out without draining myself energetically.”

    Moeslein is such a fan of the practice, in fact, that her husband once gifted her alone time. “For Valentine’s Day, my husband actually paid for me to have a staycation while he watched our infant twins at home. I sat at a bar alone and ate steak, drank wine, and read the latest Sarah J. Maas book. It was the most romantic thing he could have done for me.”

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    Ces Heredia, a 31-year-old freelance writer living in Mexico who’s been going on solo dates since 2013, echoes the social battery sentiment. “As much as I love hanging out with friends and dating, being on a solo date gives me the chance to enjoy the moment and experience things out of my daily routine without having to drain my social battery,” she says. “I don’t have the pressure to speak and carry a conversation.”

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  • How to Forgive When Your Offender Is Not Sorry

    How to Forgive When Your Offender Is Not Sorry

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    Have you ever loaned money to a friend with a promise of repayment, but the debt was never satisfied? Or perhaps you sold an item but didn’t receive the money you were due? As a matter of justice, we want accounts to be kept. We want others to pay what they owe.

    One of my first jobs involved debt collection. Thankfully, I didn’t work for a sleazy agency that harassed poor people who had no money. Instead, I worked for a corporation that sold products and called other businesses to remind them about overdue invoices. Many times, people appreciated the nudge and paid their bills. In these cases, the company could continue to buy products and services in a mutually beneficial business relationship.

    When the company did not pay the debt, however, it could no longer purchase products. The business relationship was broken.

    The debt of sin breaks relationships, too.

    I remember my broken heart in third grade when my best friend said something mean. I hid and cried all through recess. That relationship never recovered. Little did I know life would grow more difficult. A few years later, my father’s neglect and my parents’ divorce damaged my family and skewed future adult relationships.

    Since then, I’ve endured much worse offenses. I cannot think of any sin more painful than an attack against an innocent person I love. Must I forgive? And how could I possibly restore the relationship? What if the offender’s not sorry? I’ve wept and wrestled with these questions as I sought to imitate Jesus. In the process, I’ve learned more about what forgiveness is—and is not.

    The First Broken Relationship 

    Before Adam and Eve sinned, they enjoyed perfect fellowship with God. They walked and talked with Him in a transparent relationship. God revealed Himself to them, and they hid nothing from Him. The Bible says, “The man and his wife were both naked, but they felt no shame” (Genesis 2:25 NLT).

    When Adam and Eve sinned, their seamless connection with God was torn. Fear gripped them because they owed God a debt for their transgression, but they had no way to pay. Just as monetary debts do not disappear when a person physically dies, the spiritual death of Adam and Eve did not cancel their obligation to God. The debt of sin passed down through generations and still torments people today.

    In His infinite mercy, God provided a temporary solution for the growing debt of His people. He accepted the sacrifice of animals to cover their sins. Later, God sent His Son, Jesus, to accept the penalty so people would no longer need to offer animals. His death on the cross paid off the entire crushing balance of sin for all people. If you have trusted Jesus for salvation, then your debt of sin is paid in full.

    We must never forget the sacrifice of His Son cost Father God dearly. He and Jesus had always enjoyed perfect unity since before time began. They, along with the Holy Spirit, are one. If you are a parent of a child who’s been hurt, you can understand a small taste of Father God’s anguish as He watched evil people torture and kill His innocent Son.

    God’s Command

    While Jesus lived on earth, He taught us to pray to God about our sins. He instructed us to say, “And forgive us our sins, for we ourselves also forgive everyone who is indebted to us. And do not lead us into temptation” (Luke 11:4 NASB).

    Jesus showed us a pattern to follow regarding sin. When we disobey God, we should repent and ask for pardon. In response, He washes away guilt and restores us to a right relationship with Him. This pattern carries over into our relationships with others. If someone offends us, they should show remorse and ask for our forgiveness. Following God’s example, we forgive their debt to us (Colossians 3:13).

    The Burden of Unforgiveness

    What happens when someone can’t—or won’t—ask for forgiveness? Or perhaps they say they’re sorry, but then continue to commit the same sin. Peter posed this critical question to Jesus when he asked, “Lord, how often should I forgive someone who sins against me? Seven times?” (Matthew 18:21 NLT). Essentially, Peter wanted to know when his responsibility to forgive ended.

    When we neglect or refuse to forgive the sins of others, we become like a collection agency. The debt of their sin weighs us down with an obligation to make them pay. At first, we may relish the prospect of extracting restitution from the person who wronged us.

    Over time, though, the task of debt collection grows burdensome. When the offender does not meet our expectations, our hearts harden toward them. If we continue the relationship, resentment may seep in. A feeling of superiority—pride—follows close on the heels of resentment. Over time, bitterness develops and gives Satan a foothold in our lives. The weight of the debt prevents us from obeying God’s mandate to love this offending neighbor as ourselves.

    Jesus answered Peter’s question about how often to forgive: “’No, not seven times,’ Jesus replied, ‘but seventy times seven!’” (Matthew 18:22 NLT). I can imagine Peter’s heart must have plummeted when he heard these words. Impossible!

    Seventy times seven is a figure of speech that means no limits. Jesus intends for us to forgive the coworker who gossips behind our back every day. The neighbor who bothers us with loud parties. The jealous sibling who always stirs up trouble. The spouse who broke vows. And even the person who victimized a loved one. This elevated standard of forgiveness would be impossible without the help of God’s Spirit.

    Forgiveness means giving up our claim against the person who sinned against us. Depending on the nature of the offense, a pardon may also include the restoration of a broken relationship. When restoration is reasonable and safe, trust must be earned.

    While reunification may not be possible or prudent in every instance, God always wants us to forgive.

    Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/seb_ra

    6 Steps in the Process of Forgiveness

    Empowered by the Holy Spirit within us, we can release control of debt collection to God and forgive every offense.

    1. Meditate on the suffering and death Jesus endured to forgive all sins. 

    Picture yourself at the foot of the cross of Jesus. Remember, the blood He shed covers every person’s transgressions, including the ones that hurt you. Ultimately, offenses are, first and foremost, against God. But we often get caught in the crossfire of sin. Let’s not shortchange the value of Jesus’ extreme sacrifice with a refusal to apply His shed blood to every sin we’ve suffered at the hands of others.

    Here’s a link you could use on this topic: https://annieyorty.com/gods-person/the-crossfire-of-sin/

    2. With God, lament the offense you’ve suffered.

    In this necessary step, pour out your heart to God about the full scope of the sin against you. If the offense is minor, this process may be quick and easy. But life-changing hurts can take more time as you talk to God about the tendrils of pain that have crept into every area of your life. This is not the time to minimize or excuse. Be honest with Him about the effects of the other person’s actions on your life. If you think of the offense as a plant, you want to apply the power of Jesus’ sacrifice not only to the leaves and fruit, but also all the way down to the deepest root.

    3. In prayer, turn the responsibility of debt collection for sins against you over to Jesus.

    As the One who paid the penalty, He may choose if and when to exact payment from the offender. Thank Jesus for relieving you of the weight of this responsibility.

    4. Release the person who sinned against you from their debt.

    In your own words and in the presence of Jesus, follow this pattern:

    [Name of person], I choose to forgive and release you for [name the offense]. I will no longer expect you to repay me in any way. This offense is now between you and God. I trust Him to deal with you according to His wisdom, justice, and mercy.

    5. Speaking again to God, express your desire for God’s best for the person who has hurt you.

    Jesus said, “Bless those who curse you. Pray for those who hurt you” (Luke 6:28 NLT). If you struggle to bless the offender, ask God to give you faith to trust and obey Him. He gives power to see the person who sinned against you through His eyes of love and compassion.

    6. Conclude in prayer with gratitude for the mercy God has shown to you.

    Dear Father God, I’m grateful for Your tender mercy toward me. Through Jesus, I have forgiveness for my own sins. You also carry the burden of offenses committed against me so my life won’t be controlled by bitterness and malice. You give me comfort and peace when I come to You. I trust You to bring justice to my situation in Your perfect timing, so I’ll turn over the offender’s debt to Your capable hands. I pray in Jesus’ name. Amen.

    Live Unburdened

    God’s forgiveness of our sins is always complete and lasting. But our forgiveness of others may sometimes need to be renewed. If old feelings resurface, we may once again feel the weight of unforgiveness. At these times, we can run to God and regain inner peace by going through the steps of forgiveness again.

    Whether the offender is sorry or not, this process of forgiveness allows us to exchange the burden of exacting justice for the peace of God. We can trust Him to handle every offense against us.

    Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/evgenyatamanenko

    Writer Annie YortyAnnie Yorty writes and speaks to encourage others to perceive God’s person, presence, provision, and purpose in the unexpected twists and turns of life. Married to her high school sweetheart and living in Pennsylvania, she mothers a teen, two adult children (one with intellectual disabilities), and a furry beast labradoodle. She has written From Ignorance to Bliss: God’s Heart Revealed through Down Syndrome. Please connect with her at http://annieyorty.com/, Facebook, and Instagram.

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  • Authenticity in Relationships

    Authenticity in Relationships

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    ‘In insecure relationships, we disguise our vulnerabilities so our partner never really sees us.’

    Dr. Sue Johnson

    Will you be there for me?

    According to Dr. Sue Johnson, founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), most arguments in relationships are protests over emotional disconnection. Underneath the fights, partners are wondering: Are you there for me? Can I count on you? Do I matter to you? Do you value and accept me?

    We all seek secure connections with our loved ones. Through this bond, we can feel safe and become emotionally dependent on each other for nurturing and protection. This is essential for our emotional wellbeing. With healthy dependency, we then feel secure enough to step outside our comfort zone and take risks, knowing we have someone who cares in our corner.

    John Bowlby, father of attachment theory, emphasized that our ability to relate to others and create close, intimate connections is the ultimate barometer of healthy functioning. And isn’t that what’s missing in our modern society now? While we are surrounded by many people online and in real life, many individuals feel alone and disconnected. Many feel fearful about being truly seen and vulnerable as it hasn’t been safe for them before. Even in committed relationships, people struggle showing up authentically. They often feel distant from their partners. They feel unseen, unknown and lonely.

    Loneliness isn’t about being alone. It’s about feeling disconnected from others, even in a room full of people. Hence, to feel less lonely we need authentic relationships. Many individuals who are single think that once they find “the one” they will never feel lonely again, and yet there are many people in relationships who feel so utterly alone.

    Our Need to Co-Regulate

    Brains scan studies by J. Coan parallel Bowlby’s concept of “contact comfort,” the idea that secure relationships create perceptions of a safer world. Studies of visual perception also show that if we stand in front of a hill alone, our brain actually estimates the hill to be higher than if we have a friend with us. What this shows is that the brain takes proximity to social resources into account even in basic perception processes (Schnall, Harber, Stefanucci, &Proffitt, 2008; Gross & Profitt, 2013). We need others by our side, people we can count on and rely on. Research shows that co-regulation with another who feels safe to us is the most effective way of regulating, even more so that self-regulation.

    What blocks stand in the way?

    So what gets in the way of authenticity in relationships? Is it as simple as finding the right person? Is it about commitment? Unfortunately, even with partners who we think are right for us, we may experience problems showing up authentically. In order to be authentic, we must first feel safe and secure. It’s difficult to open up to someone, to put our guard down if we think they may judge and criticize us or reject and abandon us.

    Our past wounds don’t help either. Usually, we have experiences of showing up authentically and getting hurt. Sometimes this goes back to our childhoods. Early on we learn how to be, what to do and what not to do to be accepted. We all want to belong, so we will do anything not to get shunned by our caregivers. Later in life we may experience bad breakups, ridicule by someone we loved, betrayals, bullying and so much more that will leave its mark and make us feel unsafe to open up in this world. As I always say, people get wounded and healed in relationships.

    Past traumas

    Traumas can happen even with well-meaning people who just don’t know any better, who struggle with their own blocks and are unaware. We tend to think of trauma as big, life changing events such as abuse, wars, assaults, natural disasters, etc. But trauma is all about perception. What may be perceived as traumatic by one person may not be perceived as trauma by another. While big traumas are evident, so much of smaller traumas can be subtle. And yet, they can add up and affect someone’s view of self, others and the world. Sometimes traumas are what should have happened but didn’t. So life experiences such as childhood neglect, absent and unattuned parents, parents who harshly disciplined us and were critical, bullying, painful breakups, betrayals in friendships and business endeavors can all be traumatic.

    Healing begins with Emotional Safety

    In relationships, sharing vulnerably builds bonds. Our deepest needs for a felt sense of connection are met when our partner provides us with a safe space to express ourselves. When our partner truly listens to us, we feel seen. It becomes easier to show up authentically then. Unfortunately, many couples have a hard time listening to each other during conflict discussions. It’s so important to put a hold on our own agendas and really listen to what our partners are saying, to understand them on a deeper level. This not only will help problems solve but will also create emotional safety. And this is needed for someone to show up authentically.

    Need for Repairs

    You can’t always be the perfect partner, the perfect parent, or the perfect friend. We are human and we make mistakes. But what we can do is show up and repair ruptures with our loved ones. John Gottman’s research shows us that happy couples also have conflict. But when there is a disconnection, a conversation that didn’t go well, they get back on track by making repair attempts. This is a happy couple’s “secret weapon.” So to create a sense of safety, we need to know how to soften things, how to apologize, how to help our partner feel safe to share more.

    Authenticity in relationships isn’t possible in an environment that’s full of contempt, shame, harshness, betrayal and pain. Our protective parts take over in this situation. However, creating a safe space in your relationship where you are on the same team and gentle with each other can be the start of that emotional safety that’s needed for a healthy relationship.

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    Anna Aslanian

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  • Where Does the Bible Draw the Line Between Conflict and Emotional Abuse?

    Where Does the Bible Draw the Line Between Conflict and Emotional Abuse?

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    Abuse comes in different forms. While we easily recognize the patterns and evidence of physical or sexual abuse, emotional abuse proves more complex. 

    Emotional abuse involves a pattern of behavior that undermines another person’s self-esteem, sense of worth, and emotional well-being. It can manifest in several different ways but leaves no visible scars, making it a challenge to detect. However, the effects of emotional abuse lead to anxiety, depression, and difficulty forming relationships. 

    At the core, abuse defiles the image of God given to every person at creation. Each human being has been made in God’s image, a special creation on this earth, and we should, therefore, treat that image with dignity and respect, no matter who a person is or what they’ve done. The image of God in every person pre-existed our actions and behavior, and this divine design within humanity forms the basis for God’s love and mercy for humanity. From this love, he seeks to redeem us back into a reconciled relationship with himself. 

    Whether emotional, physical, sexual, or religious, abuse brings violence to the image of God in a person. The Bible speaks against all abuse of authority, including the emotional. 

    What Bible verses address emotional abuse? 

    While not explicitly mentioned as “emotional abuse,” the Scripture addresses it through various verses emphasizing the importance of love, kindness, and respect for others. 

    Jesus dealt with how people treat others when teaching using the word “Raca,” a curse word, or “you fool.” Christ explains how religious leaders will punish people who use the curse word. Yet, if people curse another, saying simply, “You fool,” they are guilty of the same sin and subject to God’s judgment since all individuals have eternal value to God. 

    Ephesians 4:29 instructs believers to “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.” Words possess power, and people have the responsibility to use uplifting language that encourages others rather than tears them down. Corrupt or abusive speech has no place in a believer’s life, and instead, they should speak kind and encouraging words.  

    Similarly, Colossians 3:19 addresses emotional abuse within marriage, instructing husbands to “love your wives and do not be harsh with them.” In Christ, spouses must treat each other with gentleness and respect rather than harsh or demeaning language that can cause harm.  

    Proverbs 15:1 offers wisdom on responding to conflict: “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” Problems will occur, yet believers should respond kindly rather than reacting with anger, hostility, or aggression. It encourages Jesus’ followers to approach conflicts with a spirit of gentleness and humility, seeking to constructively resolve disagreements.

    Galatians 5:22-23 describes the fruit of the Spirit, which includes love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. These qualities stand in direct opposition to emotionally abusive behaviors such as manipulation, control, and verbal attacks. Instead, believers are called to draw upon the indwelling Spirit and cultivate these virtues in relationships, demonstrating love and respect toward others.

    What are the signs and elements of emotional abuse? 

    Emotional abuse may not have the same outward evidence, so we must learn to recognize the signs and examples of emotional abuse to address the harmful behavior. 

    Criticism appears as a key sign. This involves constant belittling, name-calling, or demeaning remarks to undermine a person’s self-confidence and sense of worth. For example, a partner who consistently criticizes their spouse’s appearance, intelligence, or abilities engages in emotional abuse. 

    This criticism brings us to the next sign, manipulation, which takes many forms, including gaslighting, guilt-tripping, or using threats to control another’s behavior. A parent might manipulate their child by constantly threatening to withhold love or affection unless he or she meets certain demands and engages in emotional abuse. 

    Those who engage in emotional abuse seek to isolate others. This entails removing sources of support, such as friends, family, or social activities, to exert control. As an example, a parter who prevents their spouse from seeing friends or family members to limit access to outside perspectives and support.

    Emotional abuse often involves invalidating a person’s feelings and experiences. This can include dismissing their concerns, minimizing their emotions, or refusing to acknowledge their needs. For example, a boss who consistently ignores an employee’s complaints regarding workplace harassment engages in emotional abuse.

    For the net element, the abuser uses threats and intimidation to maintain control over a person, usually involving threats of physical violence or more subtle forms like menacing gestures. A caregiver who threatens to harm an elderly relative if they speak out about the abuse engages in emotional harm. 

    Another form of emotional abuse happens when controlling a person’s access to financial resources and using money to manipulate them. This includes withholding money, controlling access to bank accounts, or sabotaging the victim’s employment opportunities. For example, a partner who controls all household finances and refuses to allow the spouse any money independence. 

    Lastly, emotional abuse often involves blame-shifting and refusal to take personal responsibility. This can manifest through constantly shifting blame onto the victim, denying any wrongdoing, or refusing to apologize for hurtful behavior. A parent who blames their child for their own abusive behavior, claiming they provoked it, engages in emotional abuse.

    How can religion or the church be guilty of emotional abuse? 

    Since Christians are human, the Church can be guilty of emotional abuse when certain beliefs, practices, or teachings are used to manipulate, control, or harm individuals’ emotional well-being. While many churches strive to provide a supportive and nurturing environment, instances of emotional abuse still occur.

    One way churches engage in emotional abuse happens through leaders misusing their authority. Leaders who wield their influence in coercive or manipulative ways create an environment of fear, guilt, or shame among the congregation. These leaders use tactics like authoritarian rule, micromanagement of personal lives, or imposing strict or unreasonable moral standards under threat of ostracism or other punishment. Such tactics undermine people’s autonomy and self-worth, leading to emotional distress and dependency on the church for validation and approval.

    Certain scriptural interpretations perpetuate beliefs that contribute to emotional abuse. For example, teachings that emphasize submission to authority without question or condemning dissenting views foster a fearful and controlling community atmosphere. Doctrines that emphasize sin, guilt, and punishment without offering grace, forgiveness, and redemption exacerbate feelings of shame and unworthiness.

    Finally, the culture and dynamics within a church community also play a significant role in perpetuating emotional abuse. Toxic church cultures characterized by gossip, judgmental attitudes, and exclusionary practices create an environment of fear and mistrust among members. This leads to social ostracism, bullying, or emotional manipulation, particularly for those who deviate from the perceived norms or expectations of the community.

    How can Christians avoid emotional abuse? 

    We avoid emotional abuse by following the Lord Jesus Christ’s example and adhering to his principles of love, kindness, and compassion. Here are several ways Christians promote a culture of emotional health and well-being within their communities. 

    1. Cultivate a culture of love and acceptance. Jesus calls us to love one another as he loved us (John 13:34-35). This means accepting others unconditionally, regardless of their background, beliefs, or behaviors. By fostering a culture of love and acceptance, we create spaces where individuals feel valued, respected, and supported.
    2. Practice empathy and compassion. Christ demonstrated empathy and compassion towards hurting or marginalized people (Matthew 9:36). We follow his example by actively listening to others, validating their feelings, and offering support and encouragement during distressing times. 
    3. Speak words of encouragement and affirmation. Proverbs 16:24 teaches, “Gracious words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.” Words have power, and we properly use words to build others up and speak life to them and their circumstances. Offering encouraging, affirming, and thankful words uplift the spirits of those who struggle and provide them hope for the future. 
    4. Create safe spaces for vulnerability and authenticity. Romans 12:15 encourages us to “Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.” When we create these safe spaces within our communities, individuals feel comfortable expressing emotions, sharing struggles, and seeking support without fear of judgment or condemnation.  
    5. Provide pastoral care and counseling. “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way, you will fulfill the law of Christ.” (Galatians 6:2) Problems and abuses will occur, and churches should offer pastoral care and counseling to those experiencing emotional distress or difficult circumstances. We can be part of the healing instead of perpetuating the problem. Providing a listening ear, offering guidance and support, and connecting people with further resources make a significant difference in healing. 
    6. Practice forgiveness and reconciliation. Ephesians 4:32 urges us, “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” The Bible continually tells us to forgive others, which we couldn’t do unless someone hurt us. Unforgiveness becomes a toxin within our hearts, so we promote emotional health and well-being through practicing forgiveness and reconciliation in relationships. Extending grace and forgiveness to those who have wronged us breaks the cycle of hurt and bitterness, enabling us to restore wholeness.  
    7. Recognize and Call Out Abuse. From Matthew 21:12-13: “Jesus entered the temple courts and drove out all who were buying and selling there. He overturned the tables of the money changers and the benches of those selling doves. ‘It is written,’ he said to them, ‘My house will be called a house of prayer, but you are making it a den of robbers.’” We must all be on guard against emotional abuse, and all abuse. The faith community should be a place where the image of God is valued and dignified, and when abuse occurs, we must address people and situations with love and grace, offering restoration and repentance while standing against and decrying the abuse. 

    By following these principles, we promote healthy emotional communities in which we value all people and offer hope and love to those who are hurting or in need. 

    Photo Credit: ©iStock/Getty Images Plus/seb_ra

    Britt Mooney lives and tells great stories. As an author of fiction and non -iction, he is passionate about teaching ministries and nonprofits the power of storytelling to inspire and spread truth. Mooney has a podcast called Kingdom Over Coffee and is a published author of We Were Reborn for This: The Jesus Model for Living Heaven on Earth as well as Say Yes: How God-Sized Dreams Take Flight.

    This article originally appeared on Christianity.com. For more faith-building resources, visit

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    Britt Mooney

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  • 7 Postures for a Happy Marriage — Especially When Opposites Attract

    7 Postures for a Happy Marriage — Especially When Opposites Attract

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    My husband and I have been married for 23 years. We sometimes joke about the fact that our parents even let us get married at such an early age. Why did they let us go through with such a big decision? We had no idea what we were doing. Not that many newlyweds do.

    Mostly, we had no idea how different we were. My husband and I are total opposites in almost every way; we are not compatible on paper, at all.

    Yet we’ve done the work to make our marriage work.

    Now, 23 years later, we are church leaders and parents of three sons, and we are still doing the work of loving each other. We are often asked about the secret to making a marriage last between two opposite personalities.

    For us, a happy marriage is not so much a list of dos and don’ts, but it is a few postures and decisions we’ve chosen to adapt as marital values. Here are a few:

    1. Grab a Hold of Jesus’ Forgiveness

    Elizabeth Elliot was thought to have said something like, “A happy marriage is made up of two people who forgive each other for the rest of their lives.” Marriage between two limited, imperfect human beings requires a whole heckuva lot of forgiveness.

    And often — just being honest here — we don’t have that in us. Because of our pride or anger or human selfishness, it can be easy to hold grudges rather than choose grace. So, this is when we need to access Jesus’ unending forgiveness.

    This is when we need to posture ourselves before God and ask for help, “Jesus, give me the ability to forgive my spouse today, because you have forgiven me so much.”

    Ephesians 4:32 reminds us to “be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” This posture of forgiveness is crucial to embrace for a happy, lasting marriage.

    2. Have Fun, Be Playful, Laugh a Lot

    As I said, my hubs and I are opposites. We don’t enjoy the same activities. We don’t ever want to watch the same shows or listen to the same style of music. On paper, we are actually totally wrong for each other.

    But we are intentional about laughing together. Scripture reminds us that laughter is good medicine, good for the heart (Proverbs 17:22), and it’s just as true in the heart of a marriage.

    A couple who can laugh together can have fun together — and that’s a meaningful way to make life’s burdens lighter together.

    3. Choose Self-sacrifice

    “Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends” (John 15:13). This Scripture, along with others like it, is the real work of love and marriage.

    In public, as in private, honor one other. Put the other first. Lay down each other’s lives — in the big sacrifices and the small ones — so that you are truly putting on a posture of love.

    Choose selflessness every moment you can. This can be hurtful if both spouses aren’t posturing themselves towards self-sacrifice. But if each of you is committed to that — what a beautiful picture of love you’ll display to each other and to the world around you.

    4. Know That Different Isn’t Bad

    In marriage, especially as the years go on, it can be so easy to start telling yourself a false story about your spouse — especially if you are different from one another.

    One of you might be future-oriented, while the other is in the moment, but the stories you tell yourself in that difference are where the work of marriage really comes in.

    If you begin to place a value on your differences, if you begin to assume that your spouse is bad or has shortcomings simply because he or she is different than you, your marriage will never thrive. We must remember again and again that different isn’t bad.

    In fact, our differences can be gifts that help sharpen and shape the other. Accept your differences. Learn to appreciate them. And refuse to let the stories you tell yourself about your spouse get negative or harmful.

    5. Get Help

    Go to therapy. Go to therapy. Go to therapy. There is no shame, in fact, there is only wisdom in seeking guidance from a wise counselor, especially when the pain and conflict in marriage is too much to bear. Go often. Go every few years. Get help.

    Therapy saves marriages. Period. As the sage of Proverbs said, “The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but a wise person is the one who listens to counsel” (Proverbs 12:15).

    6. Repair Matters

    Healthy conflict includes healthy repair. When your nervous system has calmed down after a fight, and when you are both in a more peaceful emotional place — that is the moment to do the work of active listening, of emotional repair, and of healing.

    Especially for couples who tend to be opposites, it’s worth scheduling intentional time for repair after a conflict, and even worth pausing the conflict in the moment if you are getting too heated.

    The way you have conflict and repair that conflict’s damage matters as much as, if not more, than the actual content of the argument itself. Colossians reminds us to bear with one another and forgive each other. We do this best through intentional, ongoing emotional repair.

    7. The Grass Is Greener Where You Water It

    This posture will save many marriages. If we aren’t careful, we can tend to believe the lie that we married the wrong person or that someone else — someone more like us — would make us happy.

    But the marriage that we invest in, is the one that blossoms and grows. Make bids for affection, date, choose each other. Water your marriage and the grass will be green.

    I definitely don’t believe in any silver bullets for a successful marriage, but I do believe in a few postures — a few stances — that will help make a marriage between opposites last — and make it last with success and joy.

    Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/OJO_Images

    Aubrey Sampson is a pastor, author, speaker, and cohost of the podcast, Nothing is Wasted. She is the author of Big Feeling Days, The Louder Song, Overcomer, and her newest release, Known. Find and follow her @aubsamp on Instagram. Go to aubreysampson.com for more. 

    This article originally appeared on Christianity.com. For more faith-building resources, visit

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  • What Does Marriage Give You That Domestic Partnership Does Not?

    What Does Marriage Give You That Domestic Partnership Does Not?

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    Marriage versus domestic partnership can be a hot topic. Some people are okay with it, while others are not. With cohabitation becoming the norm and fewer people getting married, it’s no wonder this can be a confusing topic for most people. However, most people may not know that there are many things that marriage gives you that a domestic partnership doesn’t.

    Comprehensive Legal Recognition

    When people get married, both legal and federal governments recognize it.

    Tax Benefits

    Couples who are married can file their taxes jointly, thus potentially reducing their tax liability.

    Spousal Benefits

    When you get married, you automatically qualify for spouse benefits, including spousal Social Security, Medicare, public assistance, veteran’s military, and disability benefits.

    Photo credit: © Getty Images/monkeybusinessimages

    Medical Decision Making

    By being recognized as a legal union, spouses can make health decisions regarding each other and visit each other in healthcare settings.

    Inheritance Rights

    Each spouse may inherit property from each other when one spouse dies.

    Immigration Sponsorship

    One spouse can sponsor or petition for immigration on their spouse’s behalf.

    Divorce Protection

    If you and your spouse should divorce, there are laws in place that govern how divorce works compared to the messiness of a breakup in a domestic partnership.

    Higher Life Expectancy

    Married people enjoy a longer life expectancy on average, possibly because they have a healthier lifestyle and are more content with their lives.

    Better Sleep

    Studies show that being in a lasting relationship and having a partner’s presence close by helps improve sleep quality. This could be because of better health, more normalized routines, and better financial security.

    Increased Sense of Companionship and Happiness

    We can feel connected and happy without being married, like when dating. However, married couples share the highest form of intimacy and companionship a person can share with someone.

    happy couple cooking together in kitchen

    Photo credit: ©GettyImages/South_agency

    Improved Health and Lifestyle

    There is a silent contract in marriages of understanding and compromise. This means compromising on certain habits that can affect your partner, like not smoking, so they aren’t inhaling your smoke or quitting fast food so as not to tempt your partner on their diet. It’s about focusing on the positive, like eating more home-cooked meals, exercising together, and doing other things to improve your health and lifestyle. Married people also have lower rates of drug and alcohol abuse.

    Less Stress and Depression

    Marriage is associated with a lower rate of symptoms of stress and depression. This is because married couples have more emotional support and readily available advice from friends, family, and professionals. Couples also share responsibilities in marriage, which can lead to emotional fulfillment and take away the stress compared to someone who lives alone.

    An Ideal Environment to Raise Children In

    Marriage gives couples the stability and confidence to raise children together. Children are most influenced by their parents, and those who come from married households have better social skills, academic performance, and overall development compared to those from divorced or unmarried-parent households. As a former daycare teacher, I can attest to how desperately children need to be in a household with a healthy marriage. I have seen so many angry, broken, and broken-hearted kids from divorced and single-parent households. Kids need stability in every area of their lives, especially at home.

    Positive Lifestyle Changes

    Over time, married people take on each other’s habits and mannerisms. One of you could be a spender, the other a saver, or one of you could lead a less active lifestyle while the other is very active. These opposite scenarios can lead to positive changes down the line.

    Physical Security

    Knowing that you have someone with whom to share life and responsibilities gives an extra layer of physical security.

    More Social Capital

    Both parties in a marriage benefit from social capital, meaning more access to social and cultural resources, better integration into communities, and improved social interactions.

    Prestige and Pride

    When couples get married, they have a sense of pride that reflects society’s perception of them and how society treats them. This also includes tangible benefits like club memberships, invitations to social events, etc.

    No Gift Tax

    Certain monetary gifts are subject to the gift tax. However, married people are exempt from tax regardless of the amount, as long as both are citizens of the country.

    No Estate Tax

    Individuals deal with estate tax after they pass away. If the money or assets left to someone in a will exceed a certain amount, estate tax comes into play. However, with married couples, one can leave as much money as they want to their spouse.

    Happy couple husband and wife planning

    Photo credit: ©GettyImages/Ippei Naoi

    Joint Accounts

    Opening a joint account with a spouse is a great way for both parties to stay on top of things financially. Both parties being able to see what’s in the account and having monthly finance meetings helps stop conflicts in their tracks and is a great way to build trust and loyalty with your spouse.

    Combined Credit Score

    Married couples can be eligible for more lucrative loans based on their combined credit score. This is especially helpful for those who have very low credit scores.

    Advantages in Mortgages

    When both people in a marriage work, pay their bills on time, and have a decent credit score, they have access to better mortgage deals than if they were to apply for a mortgage individually. Mortgage lenders prefer married couples because they are more apt to pay their entire mortgage.

    Social Security Payouts

    When a spouse passes away, the surviving spouse receives entitlement to survivor benefits. This is common in blue-collar jobs and the military. Besides death, a spouse can avail social security payouts in other circumstances, such as if one spouse becomes disabled (especially if it’s job-related) or cannot work because of serious health issues.

    Health Insurance

    Married couples typically get a plan to cover the whole family. In the meantime, one can list their spouse as a dependent.

    Low Rent and Cost of Living

    This is a given, but being married drastically cuts expenses compared to each of you living on your own.

    Emergency Room Benefits

    If your partner is involved in a serious accident or critical medical emergency, you will not be allowed to ride in the ambulance or be present in the emergency room or ICU. If you are a spouse, then you would have these privileges.

    Right to Sue Someone on the Deceased’s Behalf

    If your spouse is involved in a willful wrongdoing, you can sue the person or entity for wrongful death. Scenarios like this usually happen in blue-collar jobs or jobs that require intense physical involvement and risks.

    Last Rites and Funeral Arrangements

    Unless stated in their spouse’s will and testament, the spouse has complete authority to plan funeral arrangements. This includes whether to cremate or bury, and, in certain cases, spouses can sign off on things like organ and retina donation.

    Family Leave

    Married couples have the benefit of being eligible for different leave, including parental leave, caretaker leave of a sick spouse, and bereavement leave for the passing of a family member.

    couple moving in, living together before marriage

    Photo credit: © Getty Images/jacoblund

    Approval in the Eyes of God

    This is the most important benefit of all, being approved in the eyes of God. He instituted marriage as the only way to cohabitate as a couple for specific reasons and to help protect his children.

    Having a Prenup

    Agreeing to a prenup and formalizing it later is a great way for couples to guarantee a fair and judicial division of assets if they get divorced.

    A Solid Foundation

    You and your partner got married because you love each other and have built your relationship on the most solid foundation you can have: God. There is something there that binds you together compared to domestic relationships, which have less foundation and security.

    A Solid Support System

    Married couples have a more stable support system, including parents, brothers and sisters, and in-laws to help during difficult and stressful situations.

    Being a Christian couple in this day and age can be very difficult, with all the conflicting opinions on what is right and wrong out there. It’s very easy to get pressured by friends to go the simple route and do what everyone else is doing. Even our churches don’t always preach what is right, sometimes bending the truth as they see fit. It’s a scary and confusing time for Christian couples. The bottom line is, God gave us marriage and all the benefits of it for a reason. It’s protecting us emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually.

    People wonder why they are so confused with love, when our society has twisted love and intimacy into a casual, cheap thing. Our society has turned something wonderful, like marriage, into something horrible and stifling. Marriage has so many benefits over domestic partnerships that it’s worth it for people to take a second look, read their Bibles, and see marriage as God intended it to be.

    Photo Credit: ©iStock/Getty Images Plus/fizkes

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    Carrie Lowrance

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  • How to Tell a Married Man to Back Off

    How to Tell a Married Man to Back Off

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    Disclaimer: This isn’t therapy, and Dr. Audrey’s advice is for the general audience, meaning it may not always work for everyone. 

    I have a question. It’s about confronting a married man . . . who is hitting on my wife a lot . . . the man told my wife (“Jennifer”) to keep his texts to her a secret.

    We attend the same church, and we are neighbors. The wives are friends with each other.

    I know both well, and we have hung out a lot in the past.

    The married man has suggested he was attracted to Jennifer. He told her he had a dream about her and she asked him “to be alone with her.” Perhaps he wants to justify his desire for her by imagining there’s something wrong between Jennifer and me. So he keeps asking her if she’s OK and has asked several times to go on walks around the neighborhood by themselves.

    This is what I was thinking of sending the gentleman:
    ”Jennifer mentioned to me more than once that you’ve been reaching out to her a lot and asking her to go on walks. I do appreciate that. But I think you might need to know more information about some of the things she’s experienced and her family of origin if you really want to help her. Maybe you and I can talk? And if you’re still concerned, then come over and bring your wife with you too and we can talk.” – N

    Thank you for reaching out to me. I’m sorry about the turmoil this other man has caused. 

    He might as well have waved a flaming red flag when he insisted to Jennifer she should keep his texts a secret from you, her own husband. An obsession with secrecy signals the fact that this man knew his behavior was wrong but plowed on anyway.

    I’m glad your wife confided in you about what has been going on. Score one for the unity of your marriage!

    But since you sent me the note you composed for him, let’s focus on it.

    Your words show how thoughtful you are about the entire situation. The tone you employed conveys your desire to maintain an amicable relationship with him. 

    Understandable—since the four of you are neighbors, friends, and attend the same church. 

    However, there are a couple of problems I foresee if you send the note as is. 

    Married Man, Walking with Your Wife?

    Let’s start with him asking your wife out on walks.

    If this man has been hitting on your bride, is it wise to unlock your front door and allow him to pick her up before he proceeds to stroll by her side? This behavior might fit what the Bible describes as little foxes spoiling the vines (Song of Solomon 2:15). 

    What may seem to be little, innocent things—nothing to see here, just a couple of friends sauntering the neighborhood together—can eventually demolish not one, but two, marriages. 

    Let me explain. 

    Here comes a married man who wishes to spend alone time with your wife, with the possibility of him pouring out even more of his feelings and other personal matters to her. This setup can lead Jennifer to feel obligated to do likewise and open her heart up to him. 

    That’s just human nature. We tend to mirror the behavior we see in each other.

    Besides that, it’s also natural for things to progress. A mutual sharing of feelings will eventually draw them closer to each other. In time, what began as sharing emotional intimacy can morph into other kinds of intimacy, including the physical and sexual kind. Full-blown affairs often began when two individuals confided their hearts in each other.

    God forbid things will ever go that far with your wife and this man!

    Even so, it’s unwise to let anyone else develop emotional intimacy with you—or, in this case, Jennifer. Being too emotionally intimate with anyone other than your spouse may drive a wedge into your marriage.

    Which brings me to the second problem with the note you’re proposing.

    Action Steps

    By attempting to talk to your wife without your consent (since he asked her to keep their texts from you), he’s disrespecting two people: you as Jennifer’s husband, as well as his own wife. Yet helping your wife—whether in person, through text messages, or anything else—is your responsibility. Not his.

    If Jennifer needs something, especially of an emotional nature, she can turn to you, the church, or female friends—like this guy’s wife. There’s no reason he should spend private time with your wife or repeatedly inquire if she’s okay when his wife can do the same thing.

    And even if there are problems in your marriage—a big “if”—it still doesn’t give license for this man to console your wife. 

    So, where do we go from here?

    Here are some ideas. Please pray over these recommendations with Jennifer first before communicating anything to this man. The Bible says, “One can be overpowered, but two together can put up resistance. A three-ply cord doesn’t easily snap” (Ecclesiastes 4:12, CEB). If you and Jennifer are on the same page about conveying a firm “no” to this man, your unified resistance sends a strong message to the person to back off. 

    1. No Room for an Affair

    Let him know, in no uncertain terms, how his desire for your wife is not welcome—not by her, and certainly not by you. 

    2. No Room for Secrets

    You might need to confront him directly, with you explaining how inappropriate it is for him to isolate you from your own wife. In contrast, it’s not wrong for Jennifer to tell you what this guy has been up to. You and she are one flesh (Mark 10:7-8). Whenever he tells Jennifer something, in essence, he’s also telling you the same.

    Making no room for secrets might also mean making it clear to him how he has zero private access to your wife, including through digital means. Let’s restrict all communications through group texts only. No personal voice mail. No direct messaging on social media. No clandestine emails. And, a most definite no to the two of them spending time in person without you or the man’s wife. Anything he needs to tell Jennifer, he can include you (and his wife) in the loop.

    3. Make Room to Help

    If this man is attracted to another man’s wife, one thing is clear: His marriage is in trouble.

    Which means it’s time for outside help. There are mental health professionals who are trained to help married couples. For instance, Focus on the Family runs a list of Christian therapists who are qualified for the job. 

    By you recommending this resource or pastoral counseling to him, you’re communicating two things at once: the importance of his own marriage, and your interest in helping him walk out the process. 

    Aftermath 

    I can understand if the following question pops up after reading the above:

    What if this frank discussion jeopardizes the friendship between your two families?

    Certainly, there is no need to confront him huffing and puffing. Put up firm boundaries with this man, but speak the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15). Having said that, if your words provoke him to scowl and raise a big stink, that’s too bad—but still, the sanctity of your marriage comes first. Jesus taught us as much: “A man shall leave his father and mother and shall be joined inseparably to his wife” (Matthew 19:5, AMP). 

    If you left behind everyone, including the two people who conceived you, in favor of Jennifer, who is this guy to wedge himself in the middle of your sacred union with her? 

    Besides, if you and Jennifer convey a clear message that neither of you is interested in her carrying out a secret relationship with this man, you’re exemplifying a righteous fight for your godly marriage. Your stance speaks volumes.

    Hopefully, it will inspire him to fight for his own.

    All the best to you and Jennifer!

    Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/Fizkes

    Audrey Davidheiser, PhD is a California licensed psychologist, certified Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapist, and IFSI-approved clinical consultant. After founding and directing a counseling center for the Los Angeles Dream Center, she now devotes her practice to survivors of trauma—including spiritual abuse. If you need her advice, visit her on www.aimforbreakthrough.com and Instagram @DrAudreyD.

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  • Is There Any Way to Repair a Broken Relationship?

    Is There Any Way to Repair a Broken Relationship?

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    Broken relationships are hard to manage. After a relationship has ended, it can be nearly impossible to repair. Many relationships might never be fully repaired, but complete healing is possible for others. It can take time and hard work, but if we really want to restore a relationship, we will put in the effort. We can see the greatest broken relationship repaired through the Lord coming down from Heaven to save us from our sins, redeem us, and repair our broken relationship with Him.

    A Repaired Relationship with God

    God repaired our broken relationship with Him by sending His Son to die for our sins. Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating the forbidden fruit, and sin came into the world. Ever since this time, humankind’s relationship with God has been broken. It is not repaired unless a person places faith in Jesus by believing He died for their sins, was buried, and rose again (1 Corinthians 15:1-4). The way to a repaired relationship with Jesus has been opened by Jesus dying for our sins, but it is up to us as individuals to accept it.

    The Lord went to great lengths to repair our relationship with the Father. Jesus is God Himself, the second member of the Trinity. This tells us God Himself left Heaven in order to save us from our sins and fix the relationship that we broke in the first place. As we can see, Jesus loves us deeply. He would not have gone to such extreme measures unless He truly wanted to repair our relationship with the Father.

    If you have not placed faith in Jesus yet, you have a broken relationship with Him. Unless you place faith in Him and accept Him as your Savior and Lord, you will continue to be separated from Him. While the decision is ultimately up to you, it is the most important decision you will make in your entire life. Many of us think picking out a college or career path is the most critical decision we will ever make, but this is not true. The most important decision you will ever make is if you choose to place faith in Jesus or not.

    Choosing your college or career path is important, but they do not impact your eternity. The only thing that affects your eternity is whether or not you placed faith in Jesus. The world tries to trick us into thinking other things are more important, but this is a tactic of Satan. Instead of always focusing on the present, try to look forward. Think about eternity and reflect on the truth that your fate is in your hands. Jesus came down from Heaven to repair our broken relationship with the Father, but it is up to us to accept this gift.

    Repairing Relationships with Others

    When talking about broken relationships, it is also essential to discuss the topic of repairing relationships with others. Maybe you and a friend had a falling out, you and your significant other are going through a hard time, or you are having family issues. Any of these things is enough to cause you pain, stress, and anxiety. Instead of ignoring the issue, try to address it. If you want to repair the relationship, it means you care about the person and are willing to put in effort to be close with each other again.

    If you have a broken relationship with a friend, discuss it with them. Don’t text them because that will give them an easy way just to ignore you. Call them, and if they don’t answer, leave a voicemail. If possible, schedule a time to meet in person and talk about what went wrong in the friendship. If you did something wrong, apologize and mean it. If you are giving a fake apology, your friend will be able to tell, which will only worsen things.

    Talk things out and truly listen to their side of the situation. It could be you did something to hurt them. Give them a chance to share their feelings, and do not pass judgment on them. If you really want to repair a relationship with a loved one, you will make the effort and take the incentive to do hard things. The same is true for a broken relationship with a significant other or a family member. Talk with them, allow them to express their feelings, and take the time to put in the effort.

    Your relationship might not be fixed overnight, but with time, effort, and energy, the relationship could be stronger than ever in the future. There is also the chance that the individual you are trying to fix things with will not want to see or talk to you. If this is true for you, respect their decision. Give them time, and don’t push them. They will let you know if they want to talk with you in the future.

    Working on a Relationship with Yourself

    Lastly, it is also important to work on a relationship with yourself. It could be you have a negative view of yourself or you are consumed with self-hate. This is not a healthy relationship with yourself. You should not hate yourself or have a bad view of yourself. God created you wonderfully and beautifully (Psalm 139:13-16).

    If you have a bad relationship with yourself, now is the perfect time to work on fostering a better view of yourself. Our relationships with ourselves can be one of the hardest ones we will encounter because most of us are not very nice to ourselves. Instead of being kind to ourselves, as we would to a friend, we tear down ourselves and say mean things to ourselves. This is something we have to stop doing if we are going to start having a better relationship with ourselves.

    Having a bad relationship with ourselves can manifest in mental health issues and physical health issues. Instead of allowing your mental health or physical health to take a hit, try to start working on your relationship with yourself today. Start being kinder to yourself and catch yourself before you say something mean to yourself. We tend to be our own worst critic, but we will have to let go of this if we are going to heal our relationship with ourselves.

    Many people might view this as cliche; however, it is very important to cultivate a healthy view and a healthy relationship with yourself. As mentioned, if you continue to be mean to yourself and say hurtful things to yourself, it will start impacting your actions. Thoughts such as “I’m not good enough,” “I’m not pretty enough,” and “I’m too (fill in the blank)” will only leave you feeling terrible.

    These thoughts will lead you to action in the attempt to make these thoughts go away. If you have a bad relationship with yourself, no matter what you do, you will still think poorly of yourself. The problem is not with you, your body, your appearance, or your personality. The problem is the bad thoughts that you are feeding into. Choose to talk back to them and replace them with what God says.

    It will take time and effort, just like any other relationship, but it is worth it. You will always be you, which is why having a healthy relationship with yourself is important. Choosing to work on improving your relationship with yourself will benefit you in every area of life. You might even find that your relationship with God and others improves when you start working on having a better relationship with yourself.

    Photo credit: ©GettyImages/milan2099

    Vivian Bricker loves Jesus, studying the Word of God, and helping others in their walk with Christ. She has earned a Bachelor of Arts and Master’s degree in Christian Ministry with a deep academic emphasis in theology. Her favorite things to do are spending time with her family and friends, reading, and spending time outside. When she is not writing, she is embarking on other adventures.

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    Vivian Bricker

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  • How To Figure Out If You Are Boring

    How To Figure Out If You Are Boring

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    It is rare for someone to go through life without running into someone who is dull – but to figure out if you are the boring one!

    Nothing is worse than being stuck in a meeting, at a dinner, or in a car with someone who is dull and boring. They can’t help it, but they can make the best topics tiresome and miserable.  But what if you discovered you are the boring one?  At some point, lack of energy, mind somewhere else, and other things can make one temporarily dull. But it is being dull in the long term which is painful for you and others.  Here is how to figure out if you are boring.

    RELATED: 5 Morning Activities To Help You Feel Happier

    The University of Essex in the UK published a paper on traits of dull people. Published in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, it covered personal traits and the dullest hobbies (top ones – watching TV, bird watching and smoking). Most people (53%) have 1-4 close friends, (38%) say they have five or more. Some 8% say they have no close friends. You can help not only friendships but family and partner relationships but following this advice.

    Listening Skills

    Boring people are poor conversationalists, and poor conversationalists tend to be the worst listeners. Communication is as much about talking as it is about being silent and listening to what the other person is saying. An engaging conversation isn’t one filled with the funniest jokes and the most interesting stories, it’s one where there is an exchange of ideas and conversations. Discover a curious streak and you will learn and time will become more interesting.  Ask relevant questions and let those in the know express themselves.

    RELATED: 5 Ways To Make Friends Outside Of Work And School

    Practice patience

    Conversations are not competitions, rather it is a way to learn and engage with others. Basic “your turn, my turn” conversation etiquette is taught from a young age. It is no surprise some people have no self-control and allow themselves to take over conversations without giving the others a chance to speak. Work on controlling impulses and push yourself to listen to others.

    On the flip side, if your problem is too shy and have a hard time opening up, try to practice and to find ways of making yourself more accessible and of speaking your mind.  Practice with family or friends making conversation, read information and explore things which of interest.

    Bored Cat GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY

    Pay attention

    Keep an eye out for people’s body languages whenever you’re talking. If they look distracted, are avoiding eye contact and keep on trying to change the subject then you are probably acting very annoying and boring. Train yourself to pick up on these hints and social cues and try to avoid overstaying your conversational welcome. It is ok to move on, sometimes it is you, sometimes it is them…but being aware can shorten a tough situation.

    RELATED: Beer Sales Flatten Thanks To Marijuana

    Break Up Lol GIF by What We Do in the Shadows - Find & Share on GIPHY

    Build boundaries

    Balance is one of the most important parts of conversations but it’s also pretty hard to define. Vulnerability is needed for a meaningful exchange, but too much of it and it’s kind of disastrous. Think about what you are talking about on consistent basis.

    Complaining about how awful your life is and how unfair your job will not gain you any friends, even if this is a common behavior. Always aim for sincerity and get to know your audience; don’t tell a stranger your deepest and darkest secrets.

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    Sarah Johns

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  • What Is the Biblical Way to Avoid Fake Friendship?

    What Is the Biblical Way to Avoid Fake Friendship?

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    The pain of losing a dear friend is unbearable, but after being stabbed in the back by a trusted confidant, choosing a friend becomes more cautious. What are some biblical directives for avoiding being or making fake, self-absorbed friends?

    King David knew about fake friends. When his son, Absalom, rebelled in an attempt to usurp the throne, David’s highly regarded counselor and advisor, Ahithophel, sided with Absalom. David’s Psalm 55:12-14 reflects the hurt. “If an enemy were insulting me, I could endure it; if a foe were rising against me, I could hide. But it is you, a man like myself, my companion, my close friend, with whom I once enjoyed sweet fellowship at the house of God as we walked about among the worshipers.”

    Another heart-wrenching betrayal is that of Judas Iscariot, once among Jesus’s disciples and closest friends. For a mere 30 pieces of silver, he facilitated Jesus’s arrest, identifying him to the authorities with a deceitful kiss. 

    Even amidst betrayal and deceit—acknowledging our imperfections—forging genuine friendships offers invaluable qualities like love, loyalty, stability, and wisdom. Despite our inevitable mistakes, lapses in judgment, and regrettable words, true friends accept us with all our flaws. Cultivating such meaningful connections demands patience, dedication, and unwavering commitment.

    Jesus painted a picture of friendship. Of the twelve He chose, one betrayed Him, and another failed Him. Though Peter denied knowing Jesus the night of His arrest, Jesus saw past that failure to Peter’s true heart. “Wounds from a friend can be trusted,” unlike the latter part of the same verse that depicts Judas, “but an enemy multiplies kisses” (Proverbs 27:6). Peter messed up.  Still, he repented, and Jesus restored him because. “Love covers over a multitude of sins” (Proverbs 10:12). 

    Jesus exemplifies the essence of true friendship. In John 15:13, he declares, “Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends,” embodying selfless sacrifice, unwavering support, forgiveness, wise counsel, and the sharing of values and faith. He goes on to affirm the depth of friendship in John 15:15, stating, “I no longer call you servants … Instead, I have called you friends, for everything I learned from my Father I have made known to you.” Friendship, therefore, mirrors the boundless love and eternal values of God.

    Jesus sets a high standard for friendship. Emulating His love is achievable when we choose to love others as He loves us—the second greatest commandment (Matthew 22:39). How can we do that? First of all, we recognize we are humans and fall sometimes. We pick each other up. We forgive. We have each other’s back. We treat our friends like we would like to be treated – with understanding, not holding onto a past mistake to use as a weapon later. The golden rule in Luke 6:31 really does apply: “Do to others as you would have them do to you.”

    The best friendships do their best to fulfill Jesus’ mandate: “As I have loved you, so you must love one another.” – John 13:34

    True friends emulate God’s love.

    Authentic friends do their best to exhibit the traits of 1 Corinthians 13.

    “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.8 Love never fails.”

    Consider the story of Julie and Emma. Julie and Emma have been friends since high school and have worked through their differences. However, lately, Emma tends to hold onto past grievances and brings them up whenever they disagree. When Julie was stuck in traffic and arrived 15 minutes late to their planned lunch, Emma brought up Julie’s forgetting her birthday two years ago. She accused her of being inconsiderate and unreliable. Although Julie sincerely apologizes, Emma dwells on instances where Julie let her down. Whenever Julie makes a mistake or does something to upset Emma, Emma quickly reminds her of every misstep, making Julie feel guilty and defensive. This constant dredging of past wrongs creates a toxic atmosphere in their friendship, preventing them from moving forward and resolving conflicts healthily.

    Despite Julie’s efforts to improve and make amends, she feels like she’s walking on eggshells around Emma, afraid of triggering another barrage of past grievances. Eventually, Julie begins questioning whether this friendship is worth its emotional toll on her. Genuine friendship is built on forgiveness, understanding, and letting go of past mistakes. Unlike a fake friend,

    Authentic friends exhibit good character. 

    We are to guard against being or having a friend who is easily angered, unwise, or self-seeking.   Wise and righteous besties lead to personal growth and wisdom (Proverbs 13:20), unlike hot-tempered people with negative behaviors whom we should guard against (Proverbs 22:24-25). 

    “Bad company corrupts good character.” – 1 Corinthians 15:33

    Good friends are well-informed and learning. 

    “Walk with the wise and become wise, for a companion of fools suffers harm.” Proverbs 13:20

    Becoming a better person is part of sharing a sweet friendship as we help one another be accountable to spiritual disciplines and move closer to Jesus. 

    Genuine friends listen and care. 

    Dale Carnegie’s book How to Win Friends and Influence People, one of the best-selling books of all time, says, “You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.” When the conversation isn’t one-sided, listening and caring lend support.

    True friends accept you. 

    One of the first bonds of friendship is finding someone who shares similar values, which draws us to one another. C.S. Lewis says, “Friendship is born at the moment when one man says to another, “What! You Too: I thought I was the only one!” 

    A true friend rejoices over your success. 

    Good friends support us in hard times and success. Oscar Wilde said, “Anybody can sympathize with the sufferings of a friend, but it requires a very fine nature to sympathize with a friend’s success.” Proverbs 3 encourages us that wisdom bestows well-being. “Let love and faithfulness never leave you…then you will win favor and a good name in the sight of God and man.” (3:3-4). 

    Genuine friendships endure. 

    For decades, even before the arrival of our children, a cherished couple has been priceless companions in our lives, particularly during our most challenging moments. Despite the physical distance that now separates us, the bonds we forged through shared family vacations, meals, prayers, laughter, and tears have left indelible marks on our hearts. Though miles may divide us, the enduring seeds of friendship sown over the years keep us connected as invaluable treasures to one another.

    Ruth Graham said that when we haven’t seen a dear friend for a while, or even years, it’s like a good book: You pick up where you left off, and a new chapter begins.

    Love never fails. 

    True friendship has consistent support and trust. Love always “protects, trusts, hopes, and perseveres (1 Corinthians 13:7). And that kind of love doesn’t keep a record of wrongs. Such friends refrain from a “me-first” mentality with selfish motives. Anger is quickly dealt with in a forgiving way that holds no grudges. 

    Is there biblical wisdom to guide us away from fake friendships? 

    Yes, indeed. The key lies in embracing the biblical principle: “Lay down your life for your friends,” carried out through the practical application of 1 Corinthians 13:4-8.  True friends emulate God’s love, possess healthy character, offer acceptance, attentive listening, and unwavering support. They celebrate your victories, offer sound counsel, and stand by you through life’s trials. Thomas Aquinas said, “There is nothing on this earth more to be prized than true friendship,” one of life’s sweetest merits, both in the present and eternally.

    Photo Credit: Prostock-studio/Konstantin Postumitenko via Canva Pro

    Judy McEachran loves to worship the Author of life and love. She is an ordained pastor and gifted musician who writes and speaks to encourage believers. She pastored churches in the Midwest and after retirement moved to Arizona. She is humbled not only by the gracious love of God but by her devoted husband, two sons, and ten grandchildren. You can visit her website at God Secrets that Impart Life. Find her music on YouTube. Judy’s natural musical giftings invite worshippers into the presence of the Lord.

    This article originally appeared on Christianity.com. For more faith-building resources, visit

    Christianity.com. Christianity.com

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    Judy McEachran

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