Tom Fletcher – who is a judge on The Voice UK tonight (Saturday, September 7) – once split from wife Giovanna.
The couple have been married for 12 years now – but in the early days, their relationship came to a brief end.
The Voice UK judge Tom Fletcher on Giovanna split
Tom and Giovanna have known each other a long, long time.
They got engaged in 2011 and tied the knot in 2012. Since then, they have welcomed three children together.
However, their happy life together almost didn’t happen after Tom got cold feet back in the very early days of their relationship.
Tom and Giovanna first met as teenagers at the Sylvia Young School. It seemed to be love at first sight for Tom, who didn’t wait to ask her out. In fact, he asked her out on the very first day they met.
“She said yes but I dumped her two days later,” he once revealed during an interview with OK! magazine.
Giovanna and Tom met as teens (Credit: CoverImages.com)
Tom Fletcher and his cold feet in early days of romance with Giovanna
The McFly singer then continued.
“Then I spent years grovelling, trying to get her to go back out with me – which thankfully worked! We’ve been together for 19 years this year,” he then said.
Earlier this year, Tom and Giovanna celebrated their twelfth wedding anniversary.
Tom shared a snap of himself and Giovanna high-fiving on their wedding day.
“You may now high-five the bride. We got hitched 12 years ago today. Happy anniversary honey,” he captioned the sweet post.
Tom and Giovanna have been together for a long time (Credit: CoverImages.com)
“It’ll be a silly intimate celebration of love. It won’t be anything flash or over the top,” she told The Mirror at the time.
“We can definitely say that we don’t know who we would be without each other in our lives.
“We know each other inside out and I couldn’t imagine being with someone who I felt like I had to put a full face of make-up on for every day, or behave a certain way for,” she then added.
Friendships come in all forms from all different seasons of life. Your childhood friends, those you grew up with since elementary school, to those you played sports with during high school. Then comes college friends, roommates, friends of friends, not to mention friendships you may develop with co-workers or any other groups you belong with. If you are involved in your church, there are people within the church you become friends with and then you have all your spouse’s friends or friends with the parents your children play with. We will have friends there for our lifetime, and then some friends will only be there for a season. In any case, the question is when you are a believer, how do you share a deep friendship with a non-believer?
Jesus was our greatest example, and I’m so thankful we can look at his Word and his time on Earth for truth to help navigate life. When we think of Jesus’s life, we know that He was the Messiah who loved and healed everyone who encountered Him. He loved the masses of people and touched everyone who had the privilege to spend time with Him. He even loved the unbelieving, the sinners, and those cast out from society, like women or those with physical diseases. He embodied loving everyone – which included non-believers.
However, those He spent the most time with, day in and day for three years throughout His ministry, were His chosen twelve disciples. These were the people He had His deepest friendships with. They were all believers of Him and chose to leave their current lives and start living according to Jesus’ way as they walked with Him in His ministry. Even after Jesus died on the cross, the disciples continued believing and spreading the message of Jesus as the Messiah to the world.
Jesus loved all, but his closest friends were twelve believers. However, if you take it a step further, He then narrowed down his inner circle to three of the twelve disciples – Peter, James, and John. Many theologians believe that these were his closest and deepest friendships as they were the three who were with him the longest (Luke 5:4-11), and these three were present with Jesus during special events. They were eyewitnesses of Jesus’s transfiguration (Mark 9:2-3). They witnessed Jesus raising Jairus’s daughter from the dead (Luke 8:49-56). And one of the most intimate settings for Jesus was when he prayed in the Garden of Gethsemane before His death on the cross, and it was these three men who accompanied Him in the garden while He prayed (Matthew 26:37). These three witnessed Jesus’ greatest moments and His darkest trials.
So, what did Jesus do? He loved all and loved many, He spent His days with 12 other believers, and He had three close friends by His side in all the major moments—in which all of them were strong believers.
Jesus gives us an example of who to have deep friendships with. However, many of us have deep friendships with unbelievers right now, and in no way, am I saying you need to cut all your non-believing friends out of your life. Or maybe you are married to an unbeliever as perhaps you came to know the Lord after marriage. But looking at Jesus’ life as an example is something to consider as you seek out truth in the Bible and pray for how to navigate any relationships you are in with unbelievers.
The Caution of Having Deep Friendships with Non-Believers
The Bible is full of wisdom on befriending non-believers. Proverbs 12:26 says that “the righteous should choose his friends carefully, for the way of the wicked leads them astray.” The more time you spend with someone, the more you can become like them. Having deep friendships with unbelievers, we could easily be setting ourselves up to talk like them, think like them, act like them, and fall into sin like them. Of course, as believers, we all fall short as well, and in no way should we judge others. But the more you share deep friendships with unbelievers, the more you can be influenced by them.
Ask yourself if those you have deep friendships with are leading you astray – in other words, are they pointing you away from the Lord or pointing you towards Him? Do you gossip with them, slander others with them, or go to them for advice when you’re going through something difficult? Is their advice biblical or worldly? Are they a hindrance to your walk with God?
Romans 12:2a says, “Do not be conformed to this world…” Take some time to think about questions like these as this is something to consider as a caution when having deep friendships with non-believers. Take inventory of your closest friendships and how they may be affecting your walk with the Lord. Many of us have deep friendships with non-believers, and that is okay, but we may need to adjust some things and make sure we are not being influenced or swayed away from the deepest and most important relationship we will ever have—and that’s with the Lord. If you have some deep friendships with non-believers, here are three biblical ways to do that:
3 Ways to Share a Deep Friendship with Non-Believers
1. You need to love them.
When the scribes asked Jesus what the greatest commandment was in Matthew 22:34-40, Jesus replied, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind…and the second is like it: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.”
To share a deep relationship with anyone in our life, but especially a non-believer, we are to love them. We are to love non-believers just as Jesus loved others, and in doing so, we show them Christ’s love versus the love they are receiving from the world. Loving them means accepting them as they are, not judging them, being patient with them for they do not always know the ways of God as non-believers, being kind to them, forgiving them just as Jesus forgives us, walking alongside them, suffering with them (which could mean praying for them and encouraging them), showing compassion on them, and being the kind of love they have never experienced before. By loving them the way Jesus loves, we can be an example for them and show them Christ-like love.
2. You need to be set apart.
To be in a deep relationship with a non-believer, it’s important we still live out our faith and be that example to them. We don’t need to dim our light and our relationship with God just because they don’t have the same relationship with God.
Matthew 5:14 says, “You are the light of the world. A City that is set on a hill cannot be hidden. Nor do they light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a lampstand, and it gives light to all who are in the house. Let your light so shine before men, they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven.”
A beautiful thing about having a deep friendship with a non-believer is that you can shed light on the truth of God in their lives. You can do this by the way you live your life and by living out God’s truth. It’s hard to be bold and easy to be afraid at times of what others think. However, our purpose and what is referred to as the Great Commission is to “go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and the Son and of the Holy Spirit. Teaching them to observe all things that I have commanded you…” (Matthew 28:19-20).
It’s hard to be set apart and not conform to this world, but it’s what Jesus asked of us, and we can have deep friendships with non-believers by just being ourselves, living out our faith, and being a light to them in a dark world. Be set apart just as Jesus was.
3. You need to pray for them.
To have a deep relationship with a non-believer, make prayer a priority. We need to make sure we are praying that we aren’t influenced or swayed by them in any way. Also, it’s important we pray for when we interact with them, asking the Holy Spirit to speak to us and prompt us when to speak up and when not to speak up. And then we should pray for them always as we are encouraged in I Thessalonians 5:17, especially praying for their salvation and asking the Lord to use us as a light and testimony in their lives.
There is no greater weapon that we have on this side of Earth than prayer. Imagine seeing their life transformed for the Lord. Imagine how much deeper your friendship would be if you had the Lord as the center of your friendship.
Praying for them has the power to potentially change their life and lead them to Jesus, and it allows us to lift up their needs on their behalf. One of the greatest roles we will ever have in a friendship with a non-believer is the role we have on our knees in prayer.
Having a relationship with a non-believer can be challenging, and we need to be careful that we are guarding ourselves against being led astray. But if we do have deep relationships with non-believers, we can do so by showing them Jesus. We can love them in a way that Christ loves and not the way the world loves. We can be set apart in our actions and conversations with them by not participating in the ways or views of the world. And we can pray for them in the hope of being a part of their coming to know the Lord and being that instrument in partnering with the Lord, bringing them into His Kingdom.
Alisha Headley is a writer + speaker who has a desire to meet the everyday woman in her everyday life with biblical truth. Stepping into her true calling, she left the corporate world behind as a former-financial VP to love on her family as a stay-at-home wifey + dog mama, while also being able to pursue her passion as a writer. Healing from a chapter of life consumed with lies she once believed about herself, she is inspired to point women to Christ to experience the freedom + power to overcome those lies with the truth written in God’s word. In her free time, Alisha enjoys road trips around the country, working out so she can eat her favorite foods, and creatively styling her outfits with a craft for fashion. Alisha is a proud wifey and dog mama living in Scottsdale, Arizona.
Ever feel like you’re living in a social echo chamber, where the stories are always old, told by the same old cast of characters? Well, welcome to the club! How many members? A lot more than you think. In our phone-obsessed world, it’s ironic how disconnected we can feel. Imagine boosting your mood by simply going online.
Let’s explore the positive impact of online connections and emphasize the potential for online social circles to save lives and improve mental health.
The Digital Age and Social Connections
Do you remember those days when “stranger danger” was the mantra of every parent and teacher? Well, times have shifted. The digital revolution transformed how we connect and has turned the whole concept of “stranger” upside down. Talking to new people online helps folks from everywhere learn and make friends. It’s like this big digital cocktail party sans awkward small talk and spilling your drink on someone important.
This online chat with strangers has become the very frontier of social expansion. Oh, the possibilities! In what other era would you be able to discuss philosophy with a professor in Paris, swap recipes with a chef in Tokyo, and get life advice from a wise elder in New Zealand – all before your morning coffee gets cold? The web makes the world smaller, but our friend circles are more prominent.
But here is the million-dollar question: Can these digital connections ever seriously affect our mental health? The answer might surprise you!
Breaking Down Barriers: The Accessibility of Online Connections
Imagine a world where your social circle knows no bounds defined by your location or the reach of your transportation. Enter the internet, where distance is just a number and “nearby” can mean the house next door or the other side of the world.
The beauty of online connections lies in their accessibility. Is social anxiety going to make you feel like you’re trying to climb Mount Everest? Well, no problem. The internet buffers things, enabling you to dip your toes into the social waters at your own pace. Stuck in a small town where finding your tribe is like playing Where’s Waldo? The internet has your back, connecting you with your niche interests.
But that’s not all; online platforms also tear down social barriers. It doesn’t matter how old or young you are, your background, or where you come from – factors get in the way of real life. In cyberspace, you get to show people what you’re made of first: your thoughts, ideas, and personality.
This opens a whole world of diversified connections. You might be talking to a retired teacher one day and a young entrepreneur the next. Each interaction brings a new perspective, challenges your views, and broadens your horizons.
Mental Health Benefits of Expanding Your Online Social Circle
Reduced feelings of isolation and loneliness
Have you ever seen that film with the lonely man on an island, chatting with a sports ball? While it worked out great in cinema, in reality, isolation can only take you on a one-way ticket to Struggle Town, and you are the only resident in it. That’s where online connections enter. Suddenly, you are no longer on that metaphorical desert island. A whole world is ready to chat, share, and connect. This feels like a 24/7 support system with you in your pocket.
Increased social confidence
Online interactions are social training wheels where you can try conversational skills, express your point of view, and work through social scenarios. Think of it like a virtual flight simulator for social butterflies-in-training. Soon enough, you may carry that same confidence into your offline interactions.
Exposure to diverse thinking
Online relations are like an array of thoughts and ideas, with so many thoughts of people who have lived unimaginable lives. This can also challenge assumptions, help expand one’s view of the world, and nurture empathy.
Better emotional support network
Are you feeling a bit sick from life’s rollercoaster? Your online connections might be holding your metaphoric hair out of your face. Whether you’re celebrating a win or need a shoulder to lean on, somebody is available somewhere in the vast online world. It’s like a global cheer squad and support group wrapped into one.
Don’t brush this off – these are helpful advantages. Online solid connections have been found to improve mental health, reduce depression and anxiety, boost self-esteem, and increase overall life satisfaction. Of course, being the powerful tool that online connections are, they call for wisdom. They are not a substitute for professional mental health support when needed but a complementary tool in your mental wellness toolkit.
Before diving into the party, let’s deal with the elephant in the living room: safety in the online world. We want you to grow your social life, but you should not be growing your list of headaches.
First, safeguard your private information. Use prudence when sharing personal information on the internet. After all, your new online buddy doesn’t need to know your social security number or your childhood pet’s name.
Not everyone online has pure intentions. If something doesn’t feel right, it isn’t. It’s like dating—if they ask for your credit card details on your first interaction, it’s perhaps time to swipe left.
Some easy tricks to make your internet chats both fun and secure:
Use reputable platforms with reasonable security measures
Wait a bit before giving out personal facts to new online friends
Stay alert if a new contact wants your data or financial help
If you meet an internet friend in person, do so in a public place
Think of these as your online social seat belts. They may feel slightly restricting initially, but like most seat belts, they’re there for your protection and to ensure the ride goes smoothly and positively.
The idea is to increase your circle of friends, not your list of regrets. By being vigilant and using common sense, you can safely navigate the online social world and get all its mental health benefits.
Balancing Online and Offline Connections
But before you become a digital social butterfly, let’s talk balance. Online connections are great, but they are meant to supplement your offline social life.
Strive for a healthy balance between your digital and in-person connections. Consider your online interactions as a stepping stone to cultivating genuine real-life relationships. That individual with whom you share a deep connection online, such as a mutual love for 80s movies, might reside in your vicinity. How about arranging to meet for a movie night?
Digital connections offer convenience and the ability to connect across distances, but offline or in-person connections provide the irreplaceable warmth of human presence and nonverbal forms of communication. Both kinds of interactions are valuable.
Utilize online connections as a pathway to another purpose rather than as the ultimate goal. In their unique way, they can enhance confidence and expose individuals to social activities outside the internet. It’s akin to social ‘cross-training’: The abilities acquired from online communication could strengthen those offline, and vice versa.
Developing Social Skills Through Online Interactions
Think of online interactions as your personal social skills gym. It’s a place to flex your conversational muscles, try new communication techniques, and build your social confidence – all from the comfort of your home.
This can be a godsend for anybody struggling with social anxiety and provide less pressure. Online interactions allow continued practice of your social skills. They are like your social life training wheels—you control the pace, stop when needed, and build up that confidence.
Online chats, in particular, also provide a unique opportunity to improve your written communication skills. This is an essential skill to develop today because so much of our professional and personal communication now takes place over chat, email, and instant messaging. You’ll learn to express yourself clearly, use tone effectively, and even master the art of emoji diplomacy.
But the benefits continue beyond there. You will learn how to:
Employ empathy through understanding different perspectives
Improve your feedback-giving and receiving skills
These skills work well online and transfer to real-life situations. So next time you debate pineapple on pizza, remember: You’re not just chatting; you are leveling up socially!
Finding Your Tribe: Niche Communities and Support Groups
There’s a community for everything on the internet. The beautiful thing about online connections is finding one’s tribe, as niche as your interests or experiences may be.
Are you interested in basket weaving? There’s a forum for that. Are you struggling with an illness? You can find a support group online. Somehow, the internet always assembles classes of people who would never have found themselves associating with each other in the real world.
These niche communities can be compelling for mental health. They give a sense of belonging, understanding, and validation that you might not get anywhere else. Find an entire group of other people talking in your language—obscure movie quotes or technical jargon—and you’ve just found a new home.
Online support groups hold a special place in the hearts of those suffering from poor mental health. They allow them to share their experiences comfortably and gather advice for comfort and reassurance that they are not alone.
Whether you are looking for anyone who would listen at 3:00 a.m., a new parent seeking advice, or an artist seeking feedback about your work, there is a community for you somewhere. Don’t hesitate to reach out and connect. The tribe is waiting!
Like anything valuable in life, there’s much to be said for practicing moderation in online socializing. It’s simple to become absorbed in the online world, but remember that the objective is to enrich your life, not supplant it. Remember to be mindful when online socializing. Consciously participate in your interactions instead of aimlessly scrolling.
It’s also important to set healthy boundaries. It’s fine to take a break from online interaction. When you feel that an online engagement is causing you more stress or anxiety, it’s pretty alright to take a back seat or end it.
Also, remember your screen time. While being with those online connections can positively impact your mental health, too much screen time can have the opposite effect. Try to balance online social time with some offline activities: take a walk, read a book, or converse with a friend or relative face to face.
Photo by Firmbee from Unsplash
Conclusion
Let’s appreciate the vast potential of online connections one last time. They help improve your mental well-being and create chances to meet new people. Approach them mindfully, set boundaries, and balance them with real-life experiences. Ready for the online social adventure? Log on, reach out, and connect. Happy connecting!
If you’re looking for a therapist to help you develop your social skills, Eddins Counseling Group is here to help. Contact us today to schedule an appointment.
When two people commit to getting married, they vow to be together forever. But as the years go by, it is easy to get into a marriage rut, allowing small annoyances to bloom into bad habits. Those habits, when gone unchanged, can slowly erode a firm foundation of a marriage. Here are seven habits that can cause damage to a marriage:
The saying “the family that prays together, stays together” rings true, especially in marriage. Satan wants nothing more than to destroy a unit of two people–especially Christians—who are unified in their quest to glorify God in their relationship. The best way for him to destroy that unity is through a lack of prayer.
Sure, it seems easy enough to skip one day of praying together. But soon, that one day becomes two, which becomes three, which soon leads to months (or years) without prayer. How can a couple remain connected to the vine when their way of connecting to God is cut off from the roots?
2. Fighting Dirty
All marriages experience conflict. But what will you do when you (or your spouse) fight dirty? This means launching into a character assassination or degrading the other person in an effort to “win” the argument. You may win the argument with a few blows below the belt, but the war will have just begun.
Those words, if you haven’t apologized for them, will just pile up. Like toothpaste from the tube, you can’t take them back. Keep your fights clean by sticking to the issue at hand and the underlying fears and insecurities that lie beneath them, and you’ll have a marriage that can weather any storm of conflict.
3. Bringing Up the Past
When you fight with your spouse, do you stick to the current issues–or do you drudge up past mistakes, failures, and sins? God gave us memories so we can appreciate the past. But we must choose to either allow our past to ruin our present or to use it as a way to redeem ourselves and others.
If God chooses to “forgive our sins as far as the east is from the west” (Psalm 103:12), why can’t we? Jesus was clear that if we don’t forgive others of the times when they have wronged us, God won’t forgive us of our sins. What a sobering statement! This demonstrates Jesus’ passion for Christians to freely offer the same forgiveness as Jesus did on the cross. It won’t be easy—neither was his crucifixion—but he chose to do so because of his great love for us. And we need to love others with the same level of respect.
4. Staying Unhealthily Connected to Your Immediate Family
There is a reason why in Genesis, God ordained that man “should leave their father and mother and the two will become one flesh.” Your mother, father, and siblings are your foundation to lean on during your childhood. But once you become married, you are to lean on your spouse and start a family with them. That means enduring trials together as a family unit, not involving your parents or siblings.
There’s nothing wrong with asking a parent for his/her advice, but valuing their opinion over your spouse only spells trouble. When making major life decisions, make sure you make it with your spouse, not your parent.
5. Putting Conditions on Love or Respect
When a marriage has experienced a major trial like infidelity or other sign of unfaithfulness, the victim in the relationship may feel entitled to disrespect the other partner or withhold love for fear of being hurt again. Yet, the recipe for a successful marriage lies within Scripture: “However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband” (Ephesians 5:33).
As wives, we should respect our husbands, whether they deserve it or not. When wives can show their husbands respect, we can in turn show ourselves respect, and thus honor our marriages.
As well, husbands must love their wives whether they deserve it or not. It may not always look like holding hands or other physical signs of affection in public, but loving your wife means listening to her, supporting her during trials, and taking her opinions into account before making a decision. When a husband loves his wife, he also brings honor to his marriage. A marriage that has honor will eventually go back to a loving one.
6. Prioritizing Being Right Rather than Having Right Relationship
In today’s world, Christians are known more for what they are against than what they are for. When this is the case, their example of Christlikeness gets marred. It is the same in the marriage relationship. When a partner cares more about being right than in right relationship, the marriage relationship reflects less of the bride of Christ and more like two selfish people who only want to get something out of the relationship than giving to it.
Each partner must commit to giving of themselves fully to the marriage rather than having to prove the other wrong, especially during conflict. Stop trying to be right and winning in the marriage and follow the example of Christ, who spent His life-giving and emptying himself so we (and your spouse) can have the fullness of life our father promised.
7. Shutting Down Communication
One of the best parts of a marriage is when two people share intimacy both in the bedroom and outside of it. This means both partners communicate their feelings and emotions without fear of condemnation from the other. Marriage should be a safe place where people can express themselves fully. But when there is unresolved hurt and resentment that had not been dealt with, partners shut down and only communicate on a superficial level.
The relationship can deteriorate to the point where the best level of communication revolves around “how was your day?” Neither partner feels safe enough to express their discontentment with life or each other.
This reduces the relationship to nothing more than roommates. Christ’s relationship with the church needs to be more than just roommates. God wants our fellowship, and so does our partner. Imagine if your relationship with God was nothing more than a list of prayer requests. How healthy would your relationship be? Take the time to resolve conflict and heal from hurt so you can keep your communication at a deep level.
Marriage is far from easy, but when two people are committed to making it the best relationship they have, Christ is glorified, and they enjoy an abundant life of love and laughter God wants for them. If you are exhibiting these marriage habits, do the hard work to break them. This can include anchoring yourself in the word of God, seeking the help of your church or a therapist, or enlisting the help of accountability partners. Strive to be the spouse your partner deserves.
Michelle S. Lazurek is an award-winning author, speaker, pastor’s wife and mother. Winner of the Golden Scroll Children’s Book of the Year and the Enduring Light Silver Medal, she is a member of the Christian Author’s Network and the Advanced Writers and Speakers Association. Her first book with Leafwood Publishers, An Invitation to the Table, came out September 2016. She also teaches at various writers’ workshops, such as the Montrose Christian Writers conference. She and her husband live in Coudersport, Pennsylvania, with their two children, Caleb and Leah. For more information, please visit her website at michellelazurek.com.
When was the last time you had a fight, slept in separate bedrooms and had fantasies/fears that your marriage was over?
Joe and Tamra, working with me on a recent Marriage Intensive, had a night like that in the middle of their Intensive counseling.
“It’s over this time, doc,” Joe said during a frantic phone call one evening. “I know she is never going to keep working on our marriage.”
“Easy does it,” I said to the 49-year-old gentlemen from the Midwest. A hard-working man with a blue-collar job, Joe was not prone to exaggeration. His call indicated he really did fear the worst.
The first day of work had gone well and their marriage seemed to be stabilizing quickly. They were near separation when they arrived, but both were pleased with the way they had faced some difficult issues and learned new skills for keeping them out of trouble in the future.
“I said the wrong thing tonight,” Joe admitted. “You told us to go easy and I didn’t follow your advice. She said something that bothered me and I barreled ahead. We got into one of the worst fights of our 20-year marriage. It might be over.”
“Joe,” I said firmly. “It’s not over. She is upset and understandably so. She may be incredibly angry with you. We’ll go over what she said and why she isn’t talking to you tonight. But, tomorrow we’ll sort it out.”
Joe wasn’t easily soothed. Tamra wasn’t talking to him and they were in for a rough evening. I shared with Joe how every couple has been there—the cold, challenging evenings of sleeping alone. The silent treatment, where both walk on eggshells and any wrong word leads to another eruption.
“What I want you to do this evening, Joe, is simply to not make matters worse. Give her the space she wants and tomorrow we will sort things out.”
Thankfully, we’ve all been there and couples must learn how to pull out of these kinds of tailspins. Here is the additional counsel I gave Joe that evening.
First, know when to leave well enough alone. One of the worst things you can do when the situation is volatile is stoke the fire. There is a time when you need to leave well enough alone. When tired we don’t do our best thinking. When our emotions are frayed, we don’t reason clearly or well. Let the situation settle.
Second, step back to examine the problems. We don’t reason well when we are too close to the problem. We cannot gain perspective when our emotions are high. We must not only leave well enough alone, but must step back to reflect on the problem.
Third, quickly own your part in the problems. Having reflected on the problem, focus on your part in the problems. There is little value in focusing on what your mate has done wrong. Focus instead on your side of the street.
Scripture makes it clear we are not to judge or blame others. “You, therefore, have no excuse, you who pass judgment on someone else, for at whatever point you judge another, you are condemning yourself, because you who pass judgment do the same things” (Romans 2:1).
Fourth, listen to your mate for where/how they are wounded. Every fight is an opportunity to bring healing to your mate. While of course they may not receive that healing immediately, at some point they will be receptive to you owning your mistakes and offering to listen to them. They will, if done correctly, receive your apology and offer for connection.
Finally, agree to grow from the problems going forward. Every emotional meltdown is an opportunity to step back, analyze what is happening, own your part and agree to do better next time. Hope is the great elixir to a broken and wounded heart. Offer it to your mate.
Joe and Tamra came to the next day’s session wounded but ready to learn and grow. In a short time they had talked out what had happened, why it happened and what they would do better next time. The same can happen for you.
I would like to hear from you about the issue of therapeutic healing in marriage. Please send responses to me at drdavid@marriagerecoverycenter.com and also read more about The Marriage Recovery Center on our website. You’ll find videos and podcasts on sexual addiction, emotionally destructive marriages, codependency, and affair-proofing your marriage.
Publication date: February 22, 2016
Related Resource: Listen to our FREE podcast on marriage: Team Us. The best marriages have a teamwork mentality. Find practical, realistic ideas for strengthening your marriage. Listen to an episode here, and then head over to LifeAudio.com to check out all of our episodes:
Star of Sherwood David Morrissey is dating a woman half his age following his split from ex-wife novelist Esther Freud.
The actor married Esther, who is the sister of fashion designer Bella Freud and daughter of painter Lucian Freud, in 2006. They started a family, welcoming a daughter Anna, and two sons Albie and Gene.
In 2020, David and Esther split. However, reports suggest he has since moved on with a much younger woman.
David is reportedly dating a woman 29 years younger than him (Credit: Cover Images)
Sherwood star David Morrissey is dating woman four years older than his eldest son
In photos obtained by the MailOnline, David, 60, was captured on a night out with his girlfriend Larah Simpson, 31, in London on earlier this year. She is four years older than his eldest son, Albie.
Dressing smartly for the occasion, David wore a long wool coat with grey trousers and lace-up leather shoes.
Larah, on the other hand, donned an all-black ensemble, teaming a crop top with a tiered black midi skirt. She wrapped herself up in a leather jacket and silver heels.
As they were seen wandering the streets of London, the couple held hands.
Esther Freud and David ‘making sure their children come first’
At the time of Esther and David’s split, a friend stated it was a “great shame, but they just couldn’t make it work any longer”.
However, “they are making sure that the interests of their three children come first”.
Esther previously revealed to the MailOnline that it was her father who impacted the split with David.
“My father was a very powerful person, and I learned so much about relationships from him,” she said.
“What was most important to him was work. So in my relationships with men, I never felt I had the right to be more important than work,” Esther continued. “That affected me and really ran my marriage. I could never say: ‘I need you.’”
Learn how to identify the many types of lying and deception, including overt forms like outright fabrications and gaslighting, to subtle forms like white lies and lying by omission.
Lying is not always as clear-cut as telling a blatant falsehood. It can take many different forms, from subtle omissions to outright fabrications, each hurting our ability to understand reality, communicate effectively, and build honest relationships.
Some people try to justify certain forms of lying by claiming they didn’t technically say anything wrong, but knowing they were engaging in deception by not mentioning a key fact or framing an event in a misleading way.
This is why it’s important to recognize the many forms of deception and dishonesty. It allows us to better spot lying in our daily lives at home, work, or in the news, while also making us more honest communicators by avoiding these conveniently deceptive tactics.
Here’s a comprehensive breakdown of the many types of lying so that you can better recognize them in the future. Which do you have a hard time spotting? Which do you sometimes engage in yourself?
1. Falsehood
The most straightforward type of lying is the falsehood, where someone knowingly presents information that is entirely untrue. Falsehoods are blatant lies meant to deceive the listener by fabricating facts, events, or circumstances. “2 + 2 = 5” is a lie, no matter who says it or what day of the week it is. This form of lying is often the easiest to identify, especially when you have clear evidence that disproves it. This is what typically comes to mind when we think of a “lie.”
Example: Claiming you were at work all day when, in reality, you took the day off.
2. Lying by Omission
Lying by omission involves leaving out critical information that changes the nature of the fact. While the information provided may be true, the omission of key details results in a misleading impression. This type of lying is subtle and can be particularly insidious, as it allows the liar to maintain a facade of honesty, they may even claim they just “forgot” that one fact or didn’t think it was important to mention, knowing full well it changes the nature of their story.
Example: Telling a partner, “I went out with some friends last night,” but leaving out that you also met up with an ex during the outing.
3. Out-of-Context Lying
Out-of-context lying happens when someone presents an isolated truthful statement or quote in a way that strips it of its original meaning or intention. By removing context, the speaker can still be “technically” correct while deceiving the listener. This type of lie is frequently used in media, politics, and interpersonal conflicts to distort the truth while avoiding outright falsehoods.
Example: Quoting someone as saying, “I don’t care,” without mentioning that they were referring to a trivial matter rather than something important.
4. Starting the Story in the Middle
This type of lying involves telling a story or recounting an event but beginning at a point that omits important prior details. By starting in the middle, the liar can shift blame, change the narrative, or make themselves appear more favorable. This creates a skewed version of events that misleads the listener into forming a biased conclusion. This form of lying is particularly effective where the full story can’t be known until you get both sides’ perspectives.
Example: Describing an argument with a friend but starting with the moment they shouted at you, without mentioning that you had insulted them first.
5. Dishonest Framing
Dishonest framing involves presenting a story or situation from a deliberately biased or one-sided perspective, often emphasizing certain details or using dramatic language. This tactic is used to guide the audience toward a particular interpretation, typically one that benefits the person doing the framing. In many cases, individuals cast themselves into roles like “victim,” “savior,” or “persecutor” (see the drama triangle framework) to manipulate how others see them.
Example: After being criticized by a coworker for missing a deadline, you recount the incident to others by saying, “I’m being unfairly targeted at work for no reason,” without mentioning that you had repeatedly ignored reminders about the approaching deadline.
6. White Lies
White lies are minor, often well-intentioned, lies told to avoid hurting someone’s feelings or to prevent minor inconveniences. These lies are typically considered harmless, like telling a friend, “I like your band,” even when their music isn’t to your taste. However, while white lies may seem innocuous, they can accumulate over time, leading to bigger issues such as a pattern of dishonesty or a gradual erosion of trust. To avoid white lies, try shifting the focus to something you genuinely appreciate about the person. For example, instead of saying, “I don’t like that outfit,” you might say, “I prefer this outfit of yours.”
Example: Telling a friend you love their new outfit when you think it’s not flattering, just to spare their feelings.
7. Silence
Silence can be a form of lying when someone withholds information or refuses to speak up on important matters, especially when they know that their silence will lead others to a false conclusion. Like lying by omission, silence can be used to manipulate a situation without saying anything outright false.
Example: Knowing that a coworker is being falsely accused of a mistake but choosing not to speak up to correct the record.
8. Exaggeration
Exaggeration involves inflating or overstating the truth to make it seem more significant or severe than it really is. Common forms of exaggerated thinking include overgeneralizing (“this always happens to me!”), catastrophizing (“this is the worst thing ever!”), and jumping-to-conclusions (“I’m always right!”). Exaggeration often serves as a way to evoke sympathy, justify actions, or amplify the importance of a situation to gain attention.
Example: Saying you “had the worst day of your life” because you spilled mustard on your shirt, when in reality, it was a minor inconvenience.
9. Minimization
Minimization is the opposite of exaggeration; it involves downplaying the significance or impact of a fact, making it seem less important or harmful than it actually is. This tactic is often used to avoid responsibility, diffuse conflict, or lessen the perceived severity of an issue. By quickly glossing over key details or understating the consequences, the person minimizes the importance of the situation.
Example: Describing a car accident that resulted in significant damage as “just a little fender bender” to avoid admitting the seriousness of the incident.
10. Ambiguity
Ambiguity involves the use of vague or unclear language to avoid giving a direct answer or fully addressing the truth. This technique often includes sidestepping the main issue, providing incomplete information, or being purposefully elusive. Ambiguity allows the person to create a sense of uncertainty or misinterpretation, which they can later exploit by claiming they weren’t lying but were simply misunderstood.
Example: When asked if you completed a task, you respond with, “I’ve made some progress,” leaving the impression that you’re almost done when, in reality, you’ve barely started.
11. Misleading Statistics
People can lie with statistics too. Misleading statistics occur when data is manipulated or presented in a way that distorts the truth. This can involve cherry-picking data, using biased samples, or presenting figures without the necessary context to understand them accurately. The goal is to deceive the audience into drawing false conclusions based on the manipulated numbers.
Example: Reporting that “90% of users love our product,” without mentioning that only 10 people were surveyed.
12. Fabrication
Fabrication involves creating entirely false information, events, or details that never happened. This is similar to falsehood but often involves more elaborate story-telling and imagination. Fabrication is common among individuals who seek to impress, manipulate, or deceive others for personal gain or attention, including pathological liars who get a thrill by making up bigger and bigger lies.
Example: Inventing a fictional story about heroically stopping a robbery to impress someone on a first date.
13. Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a manipulative tactic where the liar attempts to make the victim doubt their own perceptions, memory, or sanity. This is done by consistently denying reality (“You’re just imagining things”), distorting the truth (“It didn’t happen that way”), and making the victim question their own experiences (“You’re insane” or “You’re the real liar”). Gaslighting is often part of a broader pattern of abuse and manipulation, and it can involve complex webs of lies designed to control and disorient the victim.
Example: Telling someone they’re “overreacting” or “remembering things wrong” when they confront you about an event that just happened.
Conclusion
As you can see, lying and dishonesty can take many different forms. By recognizing these various types of lying and the subtle ways in which the truth can be manipulated and distorted, we can better identify these tactics in our daily interactions — both as a speaker and a listener.
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Radio 2 host Scott Mills is currently competing on Celebrity Race Across the World with his husband Sam Vaughan – and for many viewers it will be the first time they are seeing Sam.
Although they are clearly happier than ever now, their relationship hasn’t always been smooth sailing.
The pair started dating in 2017, but audio producer Sam was hesitant to commit to a long distance relationship as he was living in Wales when they met, with Scott based in London for work.
Sam ended his and Scott’s relationship years before they got married (Credit: BBC)
Scott Mills and husband ‘didn’t speak for six months’
Scott told The Times ahead of their wedding earlier this year: “The more time we spent together, the more I could see we were right for each other. I just needed him to see that too.
“So when we had the conversation about taking it forward and he said ‘I’m not ready’, I was devastated.
“Being friends with someone you’re in love with doesn’t work. We didn’t speak for six months.”
Scott explained that their mums both supported them and helped them to get back together.
They then moved in together three months before the Covid lockdown.
Scott and Sam announced their engagement in 2021 (Credit: BBC)
Engagement joy
Scott shared the joyous news they were engaged in October 2021 in a post on X, then known as Twitter.
He wrote: “After 4 years together I’m delighted to say we got engaged at the weekend.
“As Sam knows, I always said I didn’t think I would ever get married. But then I met you Sam.
“You make me laugh every single day, you support me in so many ways and I adore everything about you. As soon as I met you I knew this could be something special and it is (after a slow start).
“We’ve had some amazing times, and I’m bursting with happiness to know we will have so many more. I love you with all my heart.”
Scott Mills and Sam Vaughan’s Barcelona wedding
Scott and Sam got married in a Mediterranean villa in Barcelona on June 1 in front of their famous friends.
Zoe Ball, Rylan Clark, Jordan North, Calvin Harris, Vick Hope and Chris Stark were all in attendance.
Pixie Lott and Calum Scott were on hand to perform during the ceremony, with Joel Corry DJing at the reception.
Speaking about the big day, Scott later said: “We both had the most incredible day.
“To celebrate with all our close friends and family in Spain was so special. We are looking forward to spending the rest of our lives together.”
Scott and Sam says Celebrity Race Across The World was the ‘ultimate test’ (Credit: BBC)
Scott and Sam on Celebrity Race Across the World
Before heading down the aisle, Sam and Scott faced their “ultimate test” on BBC’s Celebrity Race Across the World.
In March, the couple filmed the show which is currently airing.
Scott and Sam are joining Jeff Brazier and his son Freddy, Kelly Brook and her husband Jeremy and Kola Bokinni and his cousin Mary Ellen on the race.
Speaking on BBC Radio Wales, Scott said: “I would say it was the ultimate test of our relationship.”
He added: “What is quite nice is – and it is probably something we will never ever have again – is that time where you are just in the moment.
“You’re not scrolling on your phone and, actually, the only thing to think about is the race.”
Celebrity Race Across the World airs Wednesdays at 9pm on BBC One and BBC iPlayer.
A mother blurted out this question: “How much do you think should I get paid as a caregiver for my son?” Confused, the person she was talking to asked for clarification, and this was her response: “Well, my adult son still lives with me and does not really have a good paycheck. I am saddled with bills and need more money to help pay for them.”
Psalm 127:3 says, “Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, the fruit of the womb a reward.” Two words stand out to describe the value of children: heritage and reward. First, the word heritage denotes an inheritance or a portion of value. Second, the word reward means something given in recognition of a service or an achievement. And the giver of this heritage and reward, our children, is the Lord—a blessing indeed!
The Israelites experienced a baby boom—God’s inheritance and reward to His people—so much that they became a threat to the Egyptians. And no matter how badly the Egyptians treated the Israelites, God divinely increased them. And to put a stop to this population explosion and bring their numbers down, Pharaoh ordered the Hebrew midwives, Shiphrah and Puah, to kill any male child born by throwing them into the Nile. But the midwives disobeyed Pharaoh for they were God-fearing women—and God dealt well with them by rewarding them with their own families. “And the people multiplied and grew very strong” (Read Exodus 1). By the time they left Egypt for the great exodus, there were “six hundred thousand men on foot, besides women and children” (12:37).
The Blessing of a Family
Deuteronomy 28 opens with the blessings that the Lord provides. It shouldn’t come as a surprise that the verses included the gift of children to the Israelites. Moses said, “And if you faithfully obey the voice of the LORD your God, being careful to do all his commandments that I command you today, the LORD your God will set you high above all the nations of the earth…Blessed shall be the fruit of your womb…And the LORD shall make you abound in prosperity, in the fruit of your womb…” (vv.1, 4a, 11ab).
Going back to the very beginning, the creation, God gave the first multiplication assignment to Adam and Eve. He said, “Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth and subdue it…” (Genesis 1:28). We read it next after God destroyed the Earth, when He commanded Noah and his sons to “be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth” (Genesis 9:1). To Abraham, God promised, “You shall be the father of a multitude of nations…I will make you exceedingly fruitful…” (Genesis 17:4,6).
Perhaps one of the most prolific fathers was Jacob, Abraham’s grandson, with his 12 sons—shepherds by profession. Out of Jacob came the 12 tribes, God’s chosen people, the fulfilment of God’s promise to Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. They tasted and saw God’s goodness as He led them to the promised land, Canaan, the land flowing with milk and honey and fruits—grapes, pomegranates, and figs.
Fashioned after His image, God’s people became producers of humankind—the blessing!
Family Is the Most Important Community
In biblical times—and way beyond those times—it was customary to keep living with your family as a community. It made sense when Moses was teaching the Israelites how to love God with all of their heart, soul, and might, and how important it was for the parents to teach this to their children. He said, “[You] shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise” (Deuteronomy 6:7). They were together 24/7.
As children turned to adults, they owned their own habitations but lived in very close proximity. They had fellowship and shared meals. This was proven by Esau asking his brother Jacob to serve him his red lentil stew (Genesis 25:30). And when Isaac was weak and dying, Isaac requested his son Esau to prepare the delicious food that he loved—and Esau didn’t hesitate to go out to the field and hunt game to prepare it (Genesis 27:3-4).
When three of his oldest brothers followed Saul to fight the Philistines, David was ordered by his father Jesse to run an important errand for him. “Take to your brothers an ephah of this parched grain, and these ten loaves, and carry them quickly to the camp for your brothers” (1 Samuel 17:17).
It wasn’t hard for the fathers to turn over the reins to their sons. They didn’t have to force them to learn their trades. It was expected that they would take over and handle the business and family affairs. They grew up in it, with hands-on experience. Brothers Simon and Andrew and brothers James and John were all fishermen like their fathers until Jesus called them (Matthew 4:18-22).
Siblings Lazarus, Martha, and Mary got along well, sharing not just the same home but close friendships with Jesus and His followers, often extending hospitality to them (Luke 10:38-42).
Where Are We as a Family Today?
Obviously, there is value to a child, or the mother would not have asked how much money she could get for continuing to care for her adult son. However, her words revealed much about her worldly thoughts and feelings: she didn’t see a way out of her parenting responsibility, and it was causing her financial hardship.
We like to blame the economy, inflation—the list goes on—that the seemingly best-laid plan is to have maybe just one or two children, or none, because of the nightmare of rising costs. Most parents want to plan the length of their stay in the workplace, build that nest egg for retirement, and relax. Modern values have pulled us into thinking that children are more of an inconvenience, especially when they reach 18 and still don’t make plans to move out and venture on their own. This delicate situation of wanting to stay longer at home can be easily solved by finding jobs and paying rent, being more like a roommate rather than family—or the ultimatum of kicking them out. They can’t seem to wait for the day to come when they will be empty nesters, that it’s best to put a deadline on how long their children should live at home.
How did we end up with this bizarre mindset that we see children more as liabilities—the money drainers—instead of assets—the gift from the Lord, our inheritance and reward? We see how most of them are unprepared to face the challenges of the world, uncertain of what they want to do with their lives, and still stuck in their self-discovery phase. No wonder they can’t and don’t want to leave the security of their rooms! We, parents, should admit that we just don’t want to deal with handling their needs at a certain point as they mean the interruption of our own. And we wonder why we have so many prodigal and failing adult children!
Are we ever going to be ready to embrace how incredible our children can be and how they are God’s heritage and reward to us? The more we admit what a blessing they are to us, the more they will become one. And the more we diligently teach them about God’s Word, the wiser they will become. Then we can be certain that they are able to continue the cycle of blessing, producing generations of children who are obedient to God’s commandments, prosperous, and living a fulfilled life.
Luisa Collopy is an author, speaker and a women’s Bible study teacher. She also produces Mula sa Puso (From the Heart) in Tagalog (her heart language), released on FEBC Philippines stations. Luisa loves spending time with her family over meals and karaoke!
If you loan money to a child, you can forgive the loan during your life or upon your death. Of course, you should only do so if you know you won’t need or want the money back in the future.
If you have loaned different amounts of money to your children, documenting the loans can help ensure an equal division of your estate. Some wills include a so-called “hotchpot” clause that accounts for all loans outstanding, so that one child does not receive a disproportionate gift or forgiven loan, as well as an equal share of the estate.
What are the tax implications of a gift or loan?
There are generally no tax implications to gifting in Canada. This differs from the U.S., which has a gift tax. U.S. citizens in Canada still need to be mindful of these U.S. implications. Only two situations may trigger additional income taxes for the parent: selling an asset at a capital gain or withdrawing an asset from a tax-sheltered account a registered retirement savings plan (RRSP). But gifting itself has no tax issues with adult children.
If a loan to your child was for investment or business purposes, forgiving it can have tax implications. This is in part because loan interest on funds borrowed to buy investments or fund a business is generally tax-deductible for the borrower.
As a result, forgiveness of such a loan may lead to a capital gain for the lender—if it’s forgiven during your life. If the loan is forgiven upon your death, there should generally be no tax implications.
If you loan money to a child to invest and the loan does not bear the Canada Revenue Agency prescribed rate of interest—currently 5%—the income may be attributed back to you and taxable to you. You can give an adult child money to invest and not be subject to attribution. But if you loan it and can call it back without charging the prescribed rate, the CRA will attribute interest, dividends, rental income and business income back to you. Capital gains, however, are taxable to the child.
Before you loan or gift money for a down payment…
When considering a gift or loan, you should first and foremost be sure that you are in a position to help your kids without risking your own financial security.
There may be family law, estate and tax implications to making a loan. Seek legal and tax advice from a qualified professional to protect yourself and your family.
The most notorious being, of course, her marriage to former Chelsea and Arsenal player Ashley Cole.
Ashley and Cheryl tied the knot in 2006. However, four years later, their marriage was over following cheating allegations levelled at Ashley.
The now 43-year-old was accused of cheating on Cheryl with a hairdresser. Despite attempting to make it work, they eventually split in 2010 after it was alleged that Ashley had cheated on Cheryl with a further four women.
“We had a great marriage, the most fantastic wedding, but I just don’t know where it went wrong. To this very day, I still question this,” Cheryl said on Piers Morgan’s Life Stories.
In her memoir, Cheryl confessed that she “threw up” after learning of Ashley’s infidelities. She also took an STI test.
“I had to face the fact that Ashley’s infidelity had been putting me at risk for a long time, and I had to put my mind at rest,” she wrote in the book.
Liam and Cheryl were together for a while (Credit: CoverImages.com)
Short-lived marriage and relationship split
In 2014, following a three-month whirlwind romance, French restauranteur Jean-Bernard Fernandez-Versini and Cheryl tied the knot in the Caribbean.
However, they split a year later, divorcing in 2016. Jean-Bernard’s “unreasonable behaviour” was cited as being the reason behind the split, according to Cheryl’s divorce papers.
Not long after her marriage split, Cheryl began dating One Direction star Liam Payne. They had a son, Bear, together.
However, they split in 2018. “We still have so much love for each other as a family. Bear is our world and we ask that you respect his privacy as we navigate our way through this together,” Cheryl said at the time.
Nadine has struggled to find her happily ever after (Credit: YouTube)
Nadine Coyle: Cheating allegations and naked tattoo
Cheryl’s bandmate, Nadine, 39, has also had something of a torrid time on the romance front.
In 2007, Nadine was in a relationship with Desperate Housewives star Jesse Metcalfe.
There were rumours Jesse would be popping the question, however, it didn’t happen. Things soon started going wrong too.
Jesse spent some time in rehab and there were even cheating allegations levelled at him. Eventually, Nadine decided to call time on their romance.
Nadine later confessed she’d dealt with the situation in a bad way. Speaking to Observor Music, she said: “I was only 21 – [I] didn’t have any experience, didn’t know how to be there and support someone through an addiction on the other side of the world.
“We were just about to go on tour. I was selfish, I have to say. I really hurt Jesse over that whole situation. And I’ve regretted it ever since.”
Meanwhile, Jesse got a tattoo of Nadine’s naked body done on his arm. “It was a immature and I’d get it removed if I could. But it’s also my favourite tattoo,” he said.
Jason and Nadine have a daughter together (Credit: SplashNews.com)
Engagement split and reunion
A year after her split from Jesse, Nadine met Jason Bell, an American Football player.
However, despite getting engaged in 2010, they split in 2011. Nadine explained that they realised they were better as friends.
But, in 2013, Nadine fell pregnant and revealed that she had reunited with Jason, who was the father of her unborn child.
Their daughter, Anaíya, was born in 2014.
In 2020, Nadine announced that she and Jason had split again, this time due to their “increasingly distanced lives”. However, Jason was reportedly living with Nadine in Northern Ireland by 2021 as they co-parented during the pandemic.
Nicola was terrorised by her ex for five years (Credit: BRITs / YouTube)
Girls Aloud love lives: Nicola Roberts
Between 2012 and 2017, Nicola was terrorised by her ex-boyfriend, Carl Davies.
Nicola and Davies had been together for 18 months during the height of her fame in Girls Aloud. However, they split in 2008 after a series of rows.
In 2012, Davies began his mission of terror on his ex, bombarding her with over 3,000 from over 35 fake Twitter accounts. In some of the messages, Davies threatened to stab and burn her.
Davies was arrested in 2017 and slapped with a 15-month prison sentence, suspended for two years. He admitted one count of stalking and another count of persistent use of public communication network to cause annoyance or inconvenience.
He was handed a lifetime restraining order and was banned from looking at Nicola’s Instagram account.
Nicola then found love with businessman Charlie Fennell. They were together for six years. At the time, Nicola said: “I’m the happiest I’ve ever been and completely in love.”
However, they split in 2014 after growing apart.
In recent years, Nicola has found love once more with former footballer Mitch Hahn. They were first spotted together back in 2022.
Earlier this month (August 2024), it was reported that they were now engaged after Mitch popped the question on holiday in France.
“Nicola has met her soulmate in Mitch. She couldn’t be happier,” a source told The Sun.
Justin and Kimberley have been together since 2003 (Credit: SplashNews.com)
Kimberley Walsh: The only star to avoid romance issues
It seems as though Kimberley Walsh, 42, is the only member of the band to avoid any heartache or drama with her love life.
The star found love with Justin Scott, who was a member of boy band Triple 8. They have been together since 2003.
In 2016, they tied the knot and have had three children together.
They have largely kept their romance private.
Sarah Harding, who died in 2021, was also often in the headlines over her love life.
Have you ever felt like you’re living in a world of surface-level small talk and polite nods, yearning for something more substantial? Well, my fellow believers, I’m here to tell you that it’s time to dive deeper into the refreshing waters of honest conversations. As Christians, we’re called to a life of authenticity and genuine connection, not just with God but with each other. But let’s face it, opening up can be scarier than facing Goliath with nothing but a slingshot and a prayer!
I remember the first time I opened up to my small group at church about a problem I had. My palms were sweating, my heart was racing, and I was sure I’d rather be swallowed by a whale like Jonah than share my struggles. But you know what? Once I took that leap of faith, it was like a dam broke. The flood of empathy, understanding, and support was overwhelming in the best possible way.
That’s the power of honest conversations, folks. They can break down walls, build bridges, and create bonds stronger than whatever glue Noah used to keep that ark together. (Okay, maybe not, but you get the idea!)
Breaking the Ice: Overcoming the Fear of Vulnerability
Let’s be real: being vulnerable is about as comfortable as wearing a hairshirt in the middle of summer. It’s itchy and uncomfortable, and you’d rather be anywhere else. But here’s the thing: vulnerability is the key that unlocks the door to deeper connections.
The Bible is full of examples of vulnerability. Look at David—this guy poured his heart out in the Psalms, sharing everything from his highest praises to his deepest despair. In Psalm 38:9, he writes, “Lord, all my desire is before thee; and my groaning is not hidden from thee.” Talk about laying it all out there!
So how do we overcome this fear of vulnerability? First, remember that everyone—yes, even that person who seems to have it all together—has struggles. Second, start small. You don’t have to share your deepest, darkest secret. Maybe begin by admitting you’re having a tough week or struggling to understand a Bible passage.
And here’s a little trick I’ve learned: sometimes, being the first to open up can create a domino effect of honesty. It’s like you’re permitting others to be real too. So go ahead and be the brave one. Take that first step. Who knows? You might start a revolution of realness in your church community!
Remember, vulnerability isn’t weakness; it’s courage in action. It’s saying, “Here I am, imperfect and struggling, but willing to connect.” And that, my friends, is where the magic happens.
Creating Safe Spaces: Fostering an Environment of Trust
Imagine you’re at a church potluck and someone brings a mysterious casserole. You’re unsure what’s in it but know you’re expected to try it. That’s what it feels like to open up in a group that doesn’t feel safe. You’re hesitant, unsure, and a little scared of what might happen if you take a bite.
Creating a safe space for honest conversations is like setting the table for a feast of authenticity. It’s about cultivating an environment where people feel as comfortable sharing their hearts as they do sharing that questionable casserole. (Though maybe with less indigestion afterward!)
In the Bible, we see Jesus creating safe spaces all the time. Remember the woman at the well in John 4? Jesus met her where she was, engaged in honest dialogue, and created a space where she felt safe enough to share her story. That’s our model, folks!
So how do we create these safe spaces in our Christian communities? First, it starts with us. We need to be the kind of listeners who respond with grace, not judgment. James 1:19 puts it beautifully: “Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath.”
Second, we need to establish ground rules for our conversations. Confidentiality is key; what’s shared stays in the group. Unless, of course, someone confesses to hiding the pastor’s car keys as a prank. (Then all bets are off!)
Third, we need to lead by example. Share your struggles and imperfections. When leaders are willing to be vulnerable, it sets the tone for everyone else. It’s like spiritual skydiving: when the leader jumps first, others feel safer to follow.
Creating safe spaces isn’t always easy. It requires intentionality, patience, and a whole lot of grace. But when we get it right, it’s like we’re creating little pockets of heaven right here on Earth—places where people can come as they are, brokenness and all, and find acceptance, love, and healing.
So, let’s commit to being safe space creators. Who knows? The next time someone brings that mysterious casserole to the potluck, they might feel comfortable enough to admit it’s their first time cooking!
The Art of Listening: Hearing Beyond the Words
You know that feeling when you’re trying to tell your spouse something important and they’re nodding along while scrolling through their phone? Yeah, it’s not exactly the pinnacle of communication. Well, it’s time we talk about the lost art of truly listening—and I mean listening, not just waiting for your turn to speak.
In our fast-paced, tweet-sized world, we’ve become masters of the quick response, the witty comeback, and the surface-level chat. But, when it comes to honest conversations, we need to channel our inner Sherlock Holmes. We need to listen not just to the words being said but also to the emotions behind them—the unspoken fears, the hidden hopes.
The Bible has a lot to say about listening. Proverbs 18:13 warns us, “He that answereth a matter before he heareth it, it is folly and shame unto him.” In other words, zip it and listen up before you start dishing out advice!
So how do we become better listeners? First, put away distractions. That means your phone, your to-do list, and yes, even that nagging thought about what you’re going to make for dinner. Give the person your full attention. It’s amazing how valued someone feels when you look them in the eye and focus on what they’re saying.
Second, practice active listening. This means asking clarifying questions, reflecting on what you’ve heard, and checking your understanding. It’s like playing verbal ping-pong but with empathy instead of paddles.
Third, listen with your heart, not just your ears. Try to put yourself in the other person’s shoes. What might they be feeling? What’s the deeper need behind their words? Jesus was a master at this. He didn’t only hear the words people said; he understood their hearts.
Becoming a good listener takes practice. It might initially feel awkward like you’re wearing someone else’s shoes. But stick with it. The more you practice, the more natural it becomes. And who knows? You might discover that by becoming a better listener, you become a better friend, spouse, parent, and follower of Christ.
So the next time someone starts sharing with you, resist the urge to formulate your response while they’re still talking. Instead, lean in, open your heart, and listen. You might be surprised at what you hear when you listen not just with your ears but with your soul.
From Words to Action: Living Out Our Honest Conversations
Honest conversations aren’t just about clearing the air or having a good cry together (although those things can be pretty cathartic). They’re about spurring each other on towards love and good deeds, as Hebrews 10:24 encourages us to do. They’re about becoming the hands and feet of Jesus for each other and the world around us.
James 2:17 reminds us that “Faith without works is dead.” The same is true for our conversations. If we bare our souls to each other but don’t follow through with support, encouragement, and practical help, we’re missing the point.
So how do we have honest conversations? First, we need to be willing to get our hands dirty. If someone shares a struggle, don’t just say, “I’ll pray for you” (although prayer is important!). Ask them, “How can I help?” Maybe it’s providing a meal, childcare, or just checking in regularly.
Second, we need to hold each other accountable—with love and grace, of course. If someone shares a goal or a commitment to change, offer to be their accountability partner. It’s like having a spiritual workout buddy—you’re there to encourage, support, and occasionally give a loving kick in the pants when needed.
Third, we need to celebrate victories together, no matter how small. Did someone resist temptation? Awesome! Did they finally forgive that person they’ve been holding a grudge against? Break out the sparkling grape juice! (We are in church, after all.)
I’ve seen firsthand how powerful this can be. In our young couples’ group, one pair shared about their financial struggles. Instead of just sympathizing, the group organized a budgeting workshop, shared money-saving tips, and even helped them find side gigs to increase their income. A year later, that couple was debt-free and teaching others about financial stewardship.
Living out our honest conversations isn’t always easy. It requires commitment, sacrifice, and sometimes stepping out of our comfort zones. But when we do, we create a community that doesn’t just talk about love; it shows it in tangible, life-changing ways.
So let’s not just be hearers of each other’s words but doers. Let’s create a ripple effect from the action that starts in our church and spreads into our communities. After all, isn’t that what being the Body of Christ is all about?
Remember, authenticity is the heartbeat of a true Christian community. It’s in our vulnerability that we find strength, in our listening that we show love, and in our actions that we demonstrate faith. So let’s commit to deeper connections, starting today.
Emmanuel Abimbola is a creative freelance writer, blogger, and web designer. He is a devout Christian with an uncompromising faith who hails from Ondo State in Nigeria, West Africa. As a lover of kids, Emmanuel runs a small elementary school in Arigidi, Nigeria.
When I was a child, my family was not built upon God but upon the world. As nice as it would’ve been to grow up with a deep knowledge of God and what He says about me, it simply didn’t happen this way. Sadly, many people across the world have the same childhood.
This can impact us in many ways, such as struggling to know our worth and never hearing the gospel in an understandable way. It wasn’t until I was in college that I finally heard the gospel and accepted Jesus as my Savior. Without going to the Bible college I went to, I might have never placed faith in Jesus. I certainly wasn’t going to learn about Jesus at home, which scares me to think about.
I think of all the people who never had the chance to go to a Bible college or hear the gospel elsewhere. This is a sad reality and one we as believers must take to heart. We need to do all we can to help others hear the gospel in a meaningful and relatable way. For parents, this can start at home and is found in building a family on the foundation of God.
Teaching Your Children About God
If we are going to build our family on God, we have to teach our children about Him. As I mentioned above, I had little to no knowledge about the Bible or God. This negatively impacted my life in many ways. I am more than thankful that I know Him now; however, I wish I had known Him sooner. If my family had been built upon God, it would have saved me much pain and hurt as I developed into an adult and determined where my true identity was rooted.
This is why it is vital to build our own families on God. Through teaching your children about God, it will lay a foundation for their future. Even if your children are younger, they can listen to teachings about God. Start with shorter Bible stories and grow into larger ones as they get older. If your children are already older, you can help them get more involved with personal Bible time and share the gospel with them through age-appropriate conversation.
It is important to share the gospel with your children, especially when they are old enough to understand the severity of sin, how they are a sinner in need of a Savior, and the saving grace of Jesus. Children who are below a certain age have no possible way of understanding the gospel, but it’s never too early for them to learn. Just as we place importance on introducing them to their shapes, colors, and ABCs, it’s all the more important that we introduce them to child-appropriate songs, picture books, and arts and crafts that share the truth of Christ’s sacrifice.
We should encourage our children to learn more about Jesus, but it’s vital to understand that we don’t need to force them to place faith in Him. This defeats the purpose of them coming to know Him freely. Instead of pushing them into a declaration of faith, we need to be more patient and allow them to make the decision themselves. Just because our children have not placed faith in Jesus by the age of ten doesn’t mean they will never place faith in Him. Let the Holy Spirit work in your child at His pace. After all, He knows what’s best for your child, even more than you do!
Remember, we are looking for a genuine conversion—not a forced or coerced conversion. Anything forced isn’t genuine and of the heart and will wither and fade from their lives. Give your child room and space to make their own personal decision. Simply teach them about the Father, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit as well as the Bible. This will lay a solid foundation for their knowledge of God and help them truly understand the gospel.
Implementing the Teachings of the Bible in Your Life
Building a family on God cannot be done apart from modeling biblical teachings in our lives. We need to model love, kindness, and forgiveness in our daily actions (Ephesians 4:32). Instead of embittering our children, we need to build them up (Colossians 3:21). In everything we do, we need to extend Jesus’ love in our actions and words. This will help our children see a biblical approach to life and how content and hopeful the family is because we follow God.
As Christians, a natural outpouring of our faith should be seen in the way we treat others, and this includes our families. Instead of being hateful, hurtful, or harmful to our children or spouse, we are loving, caring, and compassionate. Children can pick up on when we are not caring or interested in them. Try avoiding this mistake as it will cause your children to lose heart. If Mom and Dad don’t care about them, they will believe God doesn’t care either.
This is why we need to implement the Bible in our lives. If the Bible says to be kind, caring, loving, forgiving, and compassionate, then this is what we must do. Parenting comes with its own challenges, yet we should never take our frustrations out on our children. Of course, no parent is perfect, but we should be a true example of saying sorry, asking for forgiveness, and repenting of our mistakes.
Sharing the Importance of Following God
Once our children see how important God and the Bible are in our own lives, they will recognize the importance of following God. If your children have placed faith in Jesus, they will want to start following Him in a more intentional way just like Mom and Dad do. However, if your child has not placed faith in Jesus, you can still share the importance of following Him through your conversations and actions.
These attributes naturally cause your children to become more interested in the Lord. Instead of viewing Him as a “made-up” person or a “character,” they will start to see Him for who He is: the Lord Jesus Christ, who died for our sins (John 3:16-17). As you show your children mercy and grace, they will begin to see God as merciful and gracious. As you show faith, they will understand the beauty of believing in what they can’t see. With time, your children will want to learn more about following God and obeying Him in their own lives. By seeing how joy-filled Mom and Dad are by following God, they will also be excited to start following Him.
Building your family on God will take time and be sprinkled with trial and error, but your persistence in faith will come to fruition. A family built upon God is a powerful, enemy-scaring family, who delights in God’s law and love. It gives God great joy to know that His children are walking in truth, loving their children, and teaching them about Him. Your efforts and dedication to the Lord never go unnoticed.
Keep following God in your personal life and seek to build your family upon Him in everything you do. If building your family on God is a struggle right now, turn to God in prayer and ask for His help. Ask God to help your family be built upon Him and His Word. Acknowledge your dependence on Him and petition for Him to give you divine guidance into what you should do. He will give you instruction, wisdom, and comfort as you build your family on Him.
Vivian Bricker loves Jesus, studying the Word of God, and helping others in their walk with Christ. She has earned a Bachelor of Arts and Master’s degree in Christian Ministry with a deep academic emphasis in theology. Her favorite things to do are spending time with her family and friends, reading, and spending time outside. When she is not writing, she is embarking on other adventures.
In her book, “How to Not Die Alone,” Harvard-trained behavioral scientist-turned dating coach, and Hinge’s Director of Relationship Science, Logan Ury, helps readers find and keep the relationship of their dreams by making better decisions along the way.
The prom date vs. the life partner
Many of us don’t date for long-term viability. I call this pursuing The Prom Date. What’s an ideal prom date? Someone who looks great in pictures, gives you a night full of fun, and makes you look cool in front of your friends. Many of us finished high school more than a decade ago, and yet we’re still using the same rubric to evaluate potential partners. Do you really want to marry the Prom Date? To worry if your partner is going to help you take care of your aging parents? Or show up to your kid’s parent-teacher conference? Or nurse you back to health after contracting a case of Montezuma’s revenge?
Those probably aren’t the questions you ask yourself when you first meet someone. The answers have little bearing on whether you want to kiss the person or go out with them again. (And who wants to think about diarrhea on a first date!?) But when you’re looking for a long-term partner, you want someone who will be there for you during the highs and the lows. Someone you can rely on. Someone to make decisions with. The Life Partner.
There are many people with whom you can share a tryst but far fewer with whom you can build a life. When you’re thinking about who to marry, don’t ask yourself: What would a love story with this person look like? Instead, ask: Can I make a life with this person? That’s the fundamental distinction.
But you’re not seventeen anymore. If you really are seeking a long-term relationship with a committed partner, you need to stop looking for a Prom Date and start seeking a Life Partner.
What we get wrong about what matters
In addition to coaching, I also work as a matchmaker and set my clients up on dates. As a matchmaker, I’ve met with dozens of people to learn what they’re looking for in a partner. Hundreds have filled out the matchmaking form on my website to join “Logan’s List.” Through this process, I’ve collected enough data to understand what people think matters most in a serious partner. We can compare that to what the academic field of relationship science tells us actually matters for long-term relationship success.
We can thank John Gottman for many of these relationship science insights. He spent many years studying romantic relationships. He and his colleague Robert Levenson brought couples into an observational research laboratory dubbed the “Love Lab” by the media. There, he recorded them discussing their relationship. He asked couples to share the story of how they met and then recount a recent fight. He even invited couples to spend a weekend in an apartment he’d decked out with cameras to observe how they interacted during everyday moments.
Years after they participated in the apartment study, Gottman followed up with the couples to check on their relationships. They fell into two camps: the “masters,” couples who were still happily married; and the “disasters,” couples who had either broken up or remained together unhappily. He studied the original tapes of these two types of couples to learn what patterns separated the masters from the disasters.
When we look at Gottman’s findings, and the work of other relationship scientists, we can see clearly which qualities contribute to long-term relationship success. In other words, the research tells us what makes a good Life Partner. However, these are not the traits my matchmaking clients tend to ask for. Instead, they focus on short-term desirability—or the characteristics of a good Prom Date.
What matters less than we think
Not only do we undervalue the qualities that matter for long-term relationships, we overvalue irrelevant ones. People tend to fixate on certain superficial characteristics and ignore the far more important factors that are correlated with long-term relationship happiness (more on those in a moment).
Superficial qualities like looks and money matter less for long-term relationship success than people think they do because lust fades and people adapt to their circumstances. The same goes for similar personalities and similar hobbies.
What matters more than we think
When I work with clients, I rarely hear them say their number one goal is to find someone who’s emotionally stable. Or good at making hard decisions. Sometimes they’ll mention kindness, but usually after telling me their height minimum and maximum. And yet these are all examples of qualities that relationship scientists have found contribute much more to long-term relationship success than superficial traits or shared interests.
It’s not that people don’t know that this stuff matters; rather, they just tend to underestimate the value of these attributes when deciding whom to date. (One reason is that these qualities can be hard to measure. They may be discernible only after spending time with someone. This also explains why dating apps focus on the easier-to-measure, matter-less-than-you-think traits.) If you want to find a Life Partner, look for someone with the following traits: loyalty, kindness, emotional stability, and a growth mindset. You want a person with whom you can grow, make hard decisions, and argue with constructively.
Leaving the prom date at the prom
As you’ve seen, the things that matter less than we think for long-term relationship success tend to be superficial traits that are easy to discern when you first meet someone. And the things that matter more usually reveal themselves only when you’re in a relationship or have gone on at least a few dates. That’s why you have to intentionally shift your approach in order to focus on what really matters.
Imagine you’re at a family gathering and there’s that one relative who always seems to push your buttons. They’re negative and judgmental and seem to thrive on creating drama. As you feel your blood pressure rise, you can’t help but wonder—how on earth are you supposed to love someone like that?
We’ve all been there, haven’t we? We are faced with people who test our patience, challenge our kindness, and make us question our capacity for love. As Christians, we’re called to love everyone, even those who seem unlovable. But let’s be honest—it’s not always easy.
Understanding God’s Unconditional Love
When we talk about loving the unlovable, we’re talking about mirroring God’s love for us. It’s a love that’s unconditional, unwavering, and often incomprehensible to our human minds. Think about it: God loves us not because we’re perfect, not because we’ve earned it, but simply because He chooses to.
The Apostle Paul puts it beautifully in Romans 5:8, “But God demonstrates his love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Let that sink in for a moment. God’s love for us isn’t dependent on our behavior or worthiness. It’s a love that reaches us even when we’re at our worst.
This divine love sets the standard for how we’re called to love others. It’s a high bar. But here’s the thing: we’re not expected to manufacture this love. Instead, we’re invited to tap into the endless well of God’s love, allowing it to flow through us to others.
Consider the most difficult person in your life right now. How might your perspective shift if you viewed them through the lens of God’s unconditional love? What if you saw them not as an annoyance or a burden but as someone deeply loved by their Creator?
It’s a paradigm shift that doesn’t happen overnight. It requires intentionality, practice, and a whole lot of grace – both for others and ourselves. But as we grow in our understanding of God’s love for us, we become better equipped to extend that love to others, even when it’s challenging.
The Mirror Effect: Recognizing Our Flaws
Here’s a truth that might sting a little: often, the traits that irritate us most in others are the very ones we struggle with ourselves. It’s like looking into a mirror and seeing our flaws reflected in us. Uncomfortable? Absolutely. But it’s also an opportunity for profound growth and self-reflection.
Jesus addresses this concept in Matthew 7:3-5, saying, “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.”
This passage isn’t about shaming us. Instead, it’s an invitation to honest self-examination. When irritated by someone’s behavior, it can be enlightening to ask ourselves, “Have I ever acted similarly? Do I sometimes display this trait that I find annoying in others?”
For example, maybe you have a coworker who constantly complains about everything. It drives you up the wall. But if you’re honest with yourself, you might realize you’ve been pretty negative lately too. Maybe not to the same extent, but the seed of that behavior is there.
Recognizing our flaws doesn’t excuse bad behavior in others. But it does foster empathy and compassion. It reminds us that we’re all works in progress and all in need of grace. And when we extend grace to others, we create space for our growth and healing.
So the next time you find yourself frustrated with someone’s behavior, try turning that frustration into a mirror. What might it be revealing about your own heart? How can you use this insight to grow in empathy and self-awareness?
The Power of Empathy: Walking in Their Shoes
Empathy is the ability to put ourselves in someone else’s shoes and try to understand their perspective, even when we don’t feel like it. And let me tell you, it can be transformative.
Think about Jesus for a moment. He was the embodiment of empathy. He didn’t just preach from a distance; he got down in the trenches with people. He ate with tax collectors and sinners, touched lepers, and spoke compassionately to those society had rejected. He understood people’s pain, their struggles, and their hopes.
In Hebrews 4:15, we’re reminded that Jesus can “empathize with our weaknesses” because He has faced the same temptations. That’s powerful stuff. It means that when we’re struggling, we have a Savior who gets and understands it too.
So how do we cultivate this kind of empathy for the difficult people in our lives? It starts with curiosity. Instead of immediately judging or dismissing someone’s behavior, we can ask ourselves: “What might be going on beneath the surface? What experiences or pain might be driving this person’s actions?”
Maybe that grumpy neighbor has been battling a chronic illness. Perhaps that critical family member grew up in a household where nothing was ever good enough. The rude customer service rep might be dealing with a personal crisis we know nothing about.
This doesn’t mean we excuse hurtful behavior. But understanding the potential ‘why’ behind someone’s actions can soften our hearts and help us respond with grace rather than frustration.
Practicing empathy also involves active listening. It means setting aside our agenda and hearing what the other person is saying—and what they’re not saying. It means being present, showing genuine interest, and responding with compassion.
Remember, empathy isn’t about fixing people or their problems. It’s about creating a safe space where people feel seen, heard, and valued. And often, that’s exactly what the ‘difficult’ people in our lives need most.
The Art of Boundaries: Loving Without Enabling
Now, here’s where things get a bit tricky. Loving the unlovable doesn’t mean becoming a doormat or enabling harmful behavior. Sometimes the most loving thing we can do is set clear, firm boundaries.
Jesus, our ultimate example of love, wasn’t afraid to set boundaries. He often withdrew from crowds to pray and rest (Luke 5:16). He confronted the Pharisees when their actions were harmful (Matthew 23). He even told His disciples to shake the dust off their feet and move on when their message wasn’t received (Matthew 10:14).
Boundaries are not walls that shut people out. They’re more like fences with gates—they protect what’s important while allowing for connection. They define what’s okay and what’s not in our relationships. And when implemented with love and respect, they can strengthen our ability to love difficult people.
So what might this look like in practice? It could mean limiting the time you spend with a toxic relative. It might involve communicating your expectations to a friend who consistently cancels plans at the last minute. Or it could mean removing yourself from a situation where someone is being verbally abusive.
The key is to set boundaries with love, not anger or resentment. It’s about saying, “I care about you, AND I also need to take care of myself.” It’s about valuing the relationship while also valuing your well-being.
Setting boundaries can initially feel uncomfortable, especially if you’re not used to it. But remember, it’s not unloving to have limits. Healthy boundaries can create the safe space needed for real love and growth to flourish.
And here’s a beautiful thing: as we learn to set healthy boundaries, we often find that our capacity to love difficult people increases. We’re no longer drained by toxic interactions, so we have more energy to extend grace and compassion.
Cultivating Love Through Spiritual Disciplines
Loving the unlovable isn’t a one-time decision – it’s a journey of growth. And like any journey, it requires preparation, practice, and perseverance. This is where spiritual disciplines come into play. These practices help us cultivate a heart open to loving difficult people.
Prayer is a powerful tool in this journey. It’s not just about asking God to change the difficult person (although that’s okay too!). It’s about asking God to change our hearts. To help us see others as He sees them. To fill us with His love so we can pour it out to others.
In Matthew 5:44, Jesus gives us a challenging command: “But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.” Praying for difficult people can be transformative. It’s hard to hold onto resentment when you’re consistently lifting someone up in prayer.
Another helpful practice is meditation on Scripture. Dwelling on passages about God’s love and forgiveness can reshape our thinking and soften our hearts. Verses like Ephesians 4:32 – “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you” – can become powerful mantras in our interactions with difficult people.
Fasting can also play a role in this journey. When we fast, we’re reminded of our dependence on God and our limitations. This humility can make us more open to extending grace to others.
Practicing gratitude is another powerful discipline. When we focus on the blessings in our lives, including the growth opportunities that difficult relationships provide, our perspective shifts. We become more aware of God’s grace in our own lives, making it easier to extend that grace to others.
Remember, these spiritual disciplines aren’t about earning God’s love or becoming “good enough” to love difficult people. They’re about positioning ourselves to receive and reflect God’s love more fully.
As we engage in these practices, we’ll likely find that loving the unlovable becomes less of a struggle and more of a natural outflow of our relationship with God. It’s a gradual process with plenty of ups and downs along the way. But each step forward is a victory worth celebrating.
I love the unlovable, challenging path, no doubt about it. It’s a challenge that goes against our instincts. It requires intentionality, perseverance, and a whole lot of grace—both for others and for ourselves.
But here’s the beautiful thing: as we step out in faith to love those who are hard to love, we open ourselves up to profound transformation. We begin to see others—and ourselves—through God’s eyes. We grow in empathy, compassion, and emotional maturity. We become living testimonies to the power of God’s love.
And who knows? Our act of extending grace might be the very thing that sparks change in a difficult person. Romans 12:20 reminds us, “If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.” This isn’t about revenge but about the transformative power of unexpected kindness.
So, the next time you’re faced with that button-pushing relative, that irritating coworker, or that challenging neighbor, remember—this is your opportunity to reflect God’s love deeply. It won’t be easy, but it will be worth it. Because in the end, love never fails (1 Corinthians 13:8).
Let’s commit to being people who love extravagantly, who extend grace generously, and who see the image of God even in the most difficult individuals. In doing so, we not only change our relationships—we change the world, one act of love at a time.
Emmanuel Abimbola is a creative freelance writer, blogger, and web designer. He is a devout Christian with an uncompromising faith who hails from Ondo State in Nigeria, West Africa. As a lover of kids, Emmanuel runs a small elementary school in Arigidi, Nigeria.
How Do You Like To Receive Love? How Do You Like To Show Love?
These questions are essential, not only for romantic relationships but also for platonic relationships. Not everyone communicates love and care in the same way; likewise, people prefer receiving love and care differently as well. Additionally, your love language can change over time as you grow and develop more into yourself and continue to explore different relationships.
The five love languages are five different ways of expressing and receiving love and care. The concept of love languages was developed by Gary Chapman, Ph.D., in his book The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts. While I am aware of the controversy surrounding Mr. Chapman and his beliefs, I believe that love languages are real and essential parts of any relationship. Everyone has a hierarchy for them. So let me break them down for you.
1. Words of Affirmation:
This simply means what your partner, friend, or family member has to say about you, and to you speaks volumes. It is focused on the importance of verbal expression. People who have words of affirmation as their primary love language are highly aware of how powerful and beautiful words can be. People with this love language show their loved one’s affection through terms of endearment. A tip is to make sure you communicate frequently and share heartfelt statements. My absolute favorite thing is writing love letters or thank you notes. Your loved one will appreciate this gesture so much.
2. Acts of Service:
My personal favorite as of late. It is feeling adoration by the things your partner, friend, or family member does. An act of service is the physical expression of a thoughtful gesture. When you pay attention to things your partner, friend, or family member says they don’t enjoy doing or don’t have time for and take it on for them, this will show them you pay close attention to their needs and are willing to make their life a little easier. A note, try to anticipate their needs, be hyper-vigilant, listen to their complaints, and most importantly always follow through on your commitments.
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3. Physical Touch:
Exactly what it says, thriving on the sensation of touch. Something as simple as handholding can make them feel desired and loved. Give them lots of hugs and focus on nonsexual forms of touching. They simply want to be close to you.
4. Receiving Gifts:
This one gets a lot of flak, but I think it is because people perceive it in the wrong way. It’s about effort and thoughtfulness. People with this love language treasure not only the gift itself but also the time and effort the gift-giver put into it. When you take the time to pick out a gift specifically for them, it tells them you know them. People with this love language can often remember every little gift they have received from their loved ones because it makes such an impact on them. The point is not the price tag. The point is to convey care, a sense of knowing them well, and the fact that you’re thinking about them through what you give. Be attentive to the things they like and don’t like, personalize the gifts, and be creative.
5. Quality Time:
Those with this love language want to feel cherished and prioritized. They view time as a priceless gift they want to give and receive in relationships. Not only set aside the time but also be intentional about how you are spending that time. Schedule regular date nights or outings, engage in quality conversations, and make sure you stay in the moment.
I hope this helps you strengthen the relationships in your life. Here’s a quiz if you want to learn exactly the ranking of your love languages.
What Are Your Relationship Needs?
Take our Relationship Attachment Style Quiz and find out.
If you’re seeking to strengthen your relationship and build a deeper connection with your partner, consider couples counseling with Vanessa Clairjeune, LMSW. Vanessa brings a compassionate and insightful approach to therapy, helping couples navigate challenges, improve communication, and rediscover the love and understanding that brought them together. Whether you’re facing specific issues or simply want to enhance your relationship, Vanessa is here to guide you on a path toward healing and growth.
About the Author:
Vanessa Clairjeune holds a Master’s in Social Work from the University of Houston and dual bachelor’s degrees in Forensic Psychology and Human Services and Community Justice from John Jay College of Criminal Justice in NYC. She integrates a somatic and mindfulness approach into her practice, complemented by techniques like DBT, Internal Family Systems, bibliotherapy, and trauma-conscious yoga, for which she holds a 300-hour certification.
Vanessa’s diverse experience spans substance abuse outpatient clinics, MD Anderson Cancer Center, and student outreach at the University of Houston. Her commitment to holistic well-being encompasses substance abuse, chronic illness, life transitions, LGBTQIA experiences, trauma, infertility, and maternal mental health, all while fostering a therapeutic environment where vulnerability becomes resilience and pain transforms into growth.
Irvine Welsh’s Crime star Dougray Scott is back on the box tonight (August 7) as the gritty police drama returns to ITV1 with a second series. But is the Scottish actor married? And if so, who’s his wife?
Dougray, 58, has been a box-office draw ever since he starred in Mission Impossible 2 more than two decades ago. He’s also known for his roles on the silver screen in the likes of Enigma and Ripley’s Game, as well as starring in TV shows such as Desperate Housewives.
But how much do you known about the Fife-born star’s family life?
Irvine Welsh’s Crime, starring Dougray Scott, is returning to TV (Credit: ITV)
Does Dougray Scott have a wife? Is she famous?
Hunky Dougray has been married twice.
His first wife was Sarah Trevis, a casting director. They are believed to have been married for five years between 2000 and 2005.
Additionally, the ex couple share twins Gabriel and Eden together, born in January 1998.
In 2010, he spoke to The Times about his “agony” over being a “part-time dad” to the twins.
He said: “I’d like to put the people who made this system up against the [bleep]ing wall and shoot them… I would like to see my children more often than I do. The legal system… goes the other way, against men. It’s a very unjust system but you have to work within it.”
‘When you have children, things don’t revolve around you any more’
However, Sarah hit back in an interview with the Mail later that year. She claimed: “Dougray’s views are very virulent on this subject. He feels he’s been done a massive disservice. There’s a constant implication of injustice. But that’s just not the case.
“Dougray’s very keen on saying that actions speak louder than words. Well, he last saw Gabriel six months ago and Eden at half-term when he took her for lunch. Last year he lived across three different continents. How does that work with the children going to school and having a stable life?
“When you have children, things don’t revolve around you any more. If you have money and your own way for a long time you assume that’s what’s going to happen in every aspect of your life. But children aren’t like that, you don’t own them and thankfully the family courts pay no attention to celebrity, power or riches.”
Dougray Scott and second wife Claire Forlani married in Italy in June 2007 (Credit: Splashnews.com)
Actor Dougray Scott has a famous second wife
Dougray is also dad to a nine-year-old son Milo. Milo’s mum is Dougray’s second and current wife, actress Claire Forlani. They married in Italy in 2007.
Films fans will remember Claire, 52, for her film roles in Mallrats, Meet Joe Black and Green Street, as well as on CSI: NY, NCIS: Los Angeles.
Back in 2017, he praised his wife for standing up to disgraced Harvey Weinstein’s “disgusting behaviour”.
Posting on Instagram, after she said that she “escaped five times” during a meeting with Weinstein, Dougray said: “Bravo to my wife and all the other brave women who have spoken of the utterly disgusting behaviour of Weinstein!
“Lets pray this is the end of this detestable behaviour by men everywhere! I’m so sorry you all had to experience such disgusting behaviour.”
The couple share a son together (Credit: Splashnews.com)
What happened with Ruby Rose?
Back in 2019, Dougray joined the cast of US TV series Batwoman. He played the character of Jacob Kane for two series until 2021.
In October 2021, the show’s star Ruby Rose – who exited the show in 2020 – slammed producers and alleged toxic behaviour on the set.
In a lengthy Instagram post, they accused execs of compelling them to return to work after surgery. And Ruby also accused co-star Dougray of misconduct on set, including allegedly being abusive to women and hurting a female stunt double.
She alleged: “Dougray hurt a female stunt double, he yelled like a little [bleep] at women and was a nightmare. He left when he wanted and arrived when he wanted. He abused women and in turn as a lead of a show I sent an email asking for a no yelling policy, they declined.”
However, Warner Bros TV hit back and said action was taken following an internal probe into “multiple complaints about the workplace behaviour” of Ruby’s.
Additionally, Dougray responded in a statement: “As Warner Bros Television has stated, they decided not to exercise the option to engage Ruby for season two of Batwoman based on multiple complaints about her workplace behaviour.
“I absolutely and completely refute the defamatory and damaging claims made against me by her; they are entirely made up and never happened.”
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Small things often. If you follow The Gottman Institute, you’ve heard this and hopefully committed it to memory. Although grand gestures are nice, the particles of your day-to-day interactions maintain positive feelings and regard for the ones you love.
The Gottmans taught us that bids are the building blocks of healthy relationships. They are those meaningful daily endeavors when you invite your partner into your world and ask to enter theirs. Bids help you to connect and differentiate your familial relationships from those that you have with strangers at the market and the post office. Bids deepen your relationship.
The absence of bids leads to emotional disengagement, loneliness, and in many cases either break-up or unhappiness. No one typically sets out to turn away from their loved ones’ bids. You certainly don’t want to turn against by rejecting bids outright, but it happens often.
Cell phones, books, laptops, naps, current events, stress… There is always something else to do or something else that captures your attention. But like most things, you have a choice. Do you continue to scroll through social media or watch your favorite reality TV villain? If you do, you are at risk of being crowned as a “bid busters.”
You may miss the important interactions that are occurring right in front of you. Displaying the inattention that leaves your loved ones feeling ignored or rejected when they are vying to be the apple of your eye? That is busting their bid. Repeatedly being ignored or rejected when they try to connect with you by sharing a story, a touch, or a laugh will lead the bidding to stop.
Busting bids puts you on the road to detachment, distance, and even destruction. Ask yourself, are you busting bids? Are you hurting those who you want to love and want to love you?
It takes a great deal of vulnerability to say, “Hey, look at me, I need you.” So, the ask is typically more subtle. A text here, a pout there, a long sigh, all ways of reaching out with a yearning for you to turn toward them.
What do you do in those moments? Here’s a personal example. Raising boys that are 11 and 12 revealed that they can talk for hours about Roblox, Anime, or the latest Marvel movie, none of which interest me in the least. I can honestly think of 1000 things that would capture my attention more. Being a psychologist, of course, I want to talk about their feelings, how they see their future, and their take on the politics of the country. According to me, that’s the good stuff, the stuff that stellar mother-son relationships are made of. But is that me turning towards them, or am I always forcing them to turn towards me?
It’s easy to pay attention to the things that interest you, but you have the opportunity to show more love when you step out of your box. So now I can proudly say that I know more about Legendary Dragon Fruit, One Piece, and the Avengers than I thought possible. I learned that it’s the connection that matters, not so much the subject.
This also applies to my relationship with my husband. He can talk for days about computer hacking, C++, cybersecurity, and app development. Meanwhile, I’m just trying to make sure that I don’t accidentally share my Google Doc folder with the world. Technology is not my interest, but as I turn towards him, he has begun to also be intentional about turning toward me. Because of this, our relationship grows richer every day.
Attention, intention, interest, and curiosity are the antidotes to bid busters. Practicing this will make all the difference in your relationships. If you mind it, it matters. Mind your relationships and watch them bloom.
The Gottman Relationship Adviser takes the guesswork out of improving your relationship. Measure your relationship health with a research-based self-assessment, then receive a tailored digital plan proven to heal and strengthen your connection.
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