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Tag: Relationships

  • 5 Christlike Ways to Handle Disagreements Part 2

    5 Christlike Ways to Handle Disagreements Part 2

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    My goal wasn’t to get into an argument with my family member. Far from it. But when the conversation turned to religion and the salvation of his Hindu family members, I couldn’t stay silent. My desire for him to know the truth led my words at first, but the conversation went from kind and receptive to biting and sour. I wasn’t sure how to get it back on track, so I went outside to get some air.

    Is it possible to have Christlike disagreements and not let our feelings lead us down a path of destruction? As humans, our emotions stay with us wherever we go. We can’t separate ourselves from them, but we can give ourselves a moment to process them and ask ourselves, “Is this really true?” and “Am I being led by unresolved hurt or by love?” When we do this, our disagreements are less fueled by anger and resentment and led more by a genuine love for others.

    Disagreements are not unbiblical. We see Jesus disagreeing with people in scripture quite often. The problem comes when we are guided by our opinions rather than the Holy Spirit.

    Here are five Christlike ways to handle disagreements:

    1. Ask God to Direct the Conversation

    Even when I’m not in the middle of a disagreement, I often do this. If someone asks me a tough question related to the Bible or about God, I always want the Spirit and sound biblical truth to lead. It is amazing what a short prayer saying, “God, help me,” or “God, guide my words,” can do. By doing so, we acknowledge that our flesh is weak, but our spirit is willing. (Matthew 26:41)

    While we may not have the right words to say in the middle of a disagreement, God does. And when his Spirit directs the conversation, we can be sure we are putting the best version of ourselves out there for others to see.

    2. Ask Yourself, “Do I Love This Person?”

    My pastor once told a story about an administrative assistant he did not get along with. He was very young then, and they had butted heads on some issues. He found a specific verse he was going to use to put her argument to rest once and for all. But on his way to the woman’s office, the Spirit stopped him and asked, “Do you love her?” He knew if he was completely honest, the answer was no. The simple question and redirect made him realize his correction had no basis if it was not rooted in love.

    Many of us are familiar with the following verse in Ephesians, but we forget the love part:

    “Instead, we will speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ, who is the head of his body, the church.” Ephesians 4:15 NLT

    When we let our love for Christ and his church lead us instead of our own selfish pride, something beautiful happens. If we read the following verses, we see God’s desire for each of us:

    “He makes the whole body fit together perfectly. As each part does its own special work, it helps the other parts grow, so that the whole body is healthy and growing and full of love.” Ephesians 4:16 NLT

    3. Be Led By a Desire for Understanding

    Have you ever been around someone who just wanted to hear herself talk? Goodness knows I have, and I know I’ve been guilty of acting this way myself. But if our only concern is having the loudest voice in the room, we’ll probably miss opportunities to see and understand God’s people. We’re going to overlook others who genuinely want to be heard and cared for because we’re more concerned with them knowing our opinion.

    When we’re tempted to let our opinions lead us rather than love and care for the other person, let’s take a pause. The Holy Spirit is always willing to help us in our time of need and will give us the patience and understanding we lack.

    James talks about the fact that none of us have wisdom and understanding apart from the Lord and points us toward humble acts done with hearts turned toward God rather than our own selfish motives:

    “Who is wise and understanding among you? Let them show it by their good life, by deeds done in the humility that comes from wisdom. But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth.” James 3:13-14 NIV

    4. Remember, It Is Not Our Job to “Fix” Other People

    Often, we are misled by the notion that we can argue people into following God. We think if we drill our points into their heads with enough sound reasoning and determination, they will change their ways. But we do not see this happening in the Gospels. In every instance where lives are changed, it is a miracle where someone experiences Jesus’ utterly unreasonable grace and mercy.

    The Holy Spirit is in the business of convicting hearts and bringing prodigals to repentance. When we try be the Holy Spirit instead of simply letting him lead us with complete submission, we fall short. More often than not, we let our flesh and our pride take over, and the person we’re trying to convince is more repulsed than drawn to the throne of grace.

    Paul reminds us of what draws others toward God in Romans 2, and contrary to what we sometimes think, it isn’t arguing:

    “Or do you show contempt for the riches of his kindness, forbearance and patience, not realizing that God’s kindness is intended to lead you to repentance?” Romans 2:4 NIV

    5. Remember, the Other Person Was Created in the Image of God

    It’s difficult to speak harshly to someone when we see God’s stamp on him or her. And regardless of whether or not the person is a believer, she was created in God’s image. The person we’re disagreeing with is loved by God and sought after. Every interaction we have needs to be led by this knowledge.

    I once heard someone say that when Jesus led his earthly ministry, he didn’t convince others to leave their former life by pointing and saying, “You’re wrong, you’re wrong, and you’re wrong. Now, follow me.” But when we remind people that they bear the image of the Creator, something inside of them comes alive. They’re transformed because the Spirit awakens them to the fact that they are sons and daughters, and the desire for their old way of life fades.

    Not every disagreement we have with others will be about God or the Bible, but these disagreements seem to stir our emotions the most. This is because we care deeply about our faith and our beliefs, and our lives are transformed because of them. But when we disagree, let’s remember to let God lead the conversation. Disagreements in themselves are not sinful, but hate for our brother and sister does not have a place at God’s table. Let’s remember the price he paid for each and every one of us, and remember that even in his darkest hour of betrayal, he cried out, “Father, forgive them.” (Luke 23:34) 

    Click here to check out Part 1.

    Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/fizkes

    Abby McDonald is a writing coach and the author of Shift: Changing Our Focus to See the Presence of God. Her mission is to empower women to seek God in the middle of life’s messes and to share their faith with courage. Abby writes regularly for Proverb 31 Ministries’ daily devotions team, and her work has been featured in numerous publications. You can connect with Abby on her website where you can grab a free worship playlist to help you shift your focus toward God. You can also connect with Abby on Instagram.

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  • World Population hits 8 billion, creating many challenges

    World Population hits 8 billion, creating many challenges

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    LAGOS, Nigeria — The world’s population is projected to hit an estimated 8 billion people on Tuesday, according to a United Nations projection, with much of the growth coming from developing nations in Africa.

    Among them is Nigeria, where resources are already stretched to the limit. More than 15 million people in Lagos compete for everything from electricity to light their homes to spots on crowded buses, often for two-hour commutes each way in this sprawling megacity. Some Nigerian children set off for school as early as 5 a.m.

    And over the next three decades, the West African nation’s population is expected to soar even more: from 216 million this year to 375 million, the U.N. says. That will make Nigeria the fourth-most populous country in the world after India, China and the United States.

    “We are already overstretching what we have — the housing, roads, the hospitals, schools. Everything is overstretched,” said Gyang Dalyop, an urban planning and development consultant in Nigeria.

    The U.N.’s Day of 8 Billion milestone Tuesday is more symbolic than precise, officials are careful to note in a wide-ranging report released over the summer that makes some staggering projections.

    The upward trend threatens to leave even more people in developing countries further behind, as governments struggle to provide enough classrooms and jobs for a rapidly growing number of youth, and food insecurity becomes an even more urgent problem.

    Nigeria is among eight countries the U.N says will account for more than half the world’s population growth between now and 2050 — along with fellow African nations Congo, Ethiopia and Tanzania.

    “The population in many countries in sub-Saharan Africa is projected to double between 2022 and 2050, putting additional pressure on already strained resources and challenging policies aimed to reduce poverty and inequalities,” the U.N. report said.

    It projected the world’s population will reach around 8.5 billion in 2030, 9.7 billion in 2050 and 10.4 billion in 2100.

    Other countries rounding out the list with the fastest growing populations are Egypt, Pakistan, the Philippines and India, which is set to overtake China as the world’s most populous nation next year.

    In Congo’s capital, Kinshasa, where more than 12 million people live, many families struggle to find affordable housing and pay school fees. While elementary pupils attend for free, older children’s chances depend on their parents’ incomes.

    “My children took turns” going to school, said Luc Kyungu, a Kinshasa truck driver who has six children. “Two studied while others waited because of money. If I didn’t have so many children, they would have finished their studies on time.”

    Rapid population growth also means more people vying for scarce water resources and leaves more families facing hunger as climate change increasingly impacts crop production in many parts of the world.

    “There is also a greater pressure on the environment, increasing the challenges to food security that is also compounded by climate change,” said Dr. Srinath Reddy, president of the Public Health Foundation of India. “Reducing inequality while focusing on adapting and mitigating climate change should be where our policy makers’ focus should be.”

    Still, experts say the bigger threat to the environment is consumption, which is highest in developed countries not undergoing big population increases.

    “Global evidence shows that a small portion of the world’s people use most of the Earth’s resources and produce most of its greenhouse gas emissions,” said Poonam Muttreja, executive director of the Population Foundation of India. “Over the past 25 years, the richest 10% of the global population has been responsible for more than half of all carbon emissions.”

    According to the U.N., the population in sub-Saharan Africa is growing at 2.5% per year — more than three times the global average. Some of that can be attributed to people living longer, but family size remains the driving factor. Women in sub-Saharan Africa on average have 4.6 births, twice the current global average of 2.3.

    Families become larger when women start having children early, and 4 out of 10 girls in Africa marry before they turn 18, according to U.N. figures. The rate of teen pregnancy on the continent is the highest in the world — about half of the children born last year to mothers under 20 worldwide were in sub-Saharan Africa.

    Still, any effort to reduce family size now would come too late to significantly slow the 2050 growth projections, the U.N. said. About two-thirds of it “will be driven by the momentum of past growth.”

    “Such growth would occur even if childbearing in today’s high-fertility countries were to fall immediately to around two births per woman,” the report found.

    There are also important cultural reasons for large families. In sub-Saharan Africa, children are seen as a blessing and as a source of support for their elders — the more sons and daughters, the greater comfort in retirement.

    Still, some large families “may not have what it takes to actually feed them,” says Eunice Azimi, an insurance broker in Lagos and mother of three.

    “In Nigeria, we believe that it is God that gives children,” she said. “They see it as the more children you have, the more benefits. And you are actually overtaking your peers who cannot have as many children. It looks like a competition in villages.”

    Politics also have played a role in Tanzania, where former President John Magufuli, who ruled the East African country from 2015 until his death in 2021, discouraged birth control, saying that a large population was good for the economy.

    He opposed family planning programs promoted by outside groups, and in a 2019 speech urged women not to “block ovaries.” He even described users of contraceptives as “lazy” in a country he said was awash with cheap food. Under Magufuli, pregnant schoolgirls were even banned from returning to classrooms.

    But his successor, Samia Suluhu Hassan, appeared to reverse government policy in comments last month when she said birth control was necessary in order not to overwhelm the country’s public infrastructure.

    Even as populations soar in some countries, the U.N. says rates are expected to drop by 1% or more in 61 nations.

    The U.S. population is now around 333 million, according to U.S. Census Bureau data. The population growth rate in 2021 was just 0.1%, the lowest since the country was founded.

    “Going forward, we’re going to have slower growth — the question is, how slow?” said William Frey, a demographer at the Brookings Institution. “The real wild card for the U.S. and many other developed countries is immigration.”

    Charles Kenny, a senior fellow at the Center for Global Development in Washington, says environmental concerns surrounding the 8 billion mark should focus on consumption, particularly in developed countries.

    “Population is not the problem, the way we consume is the problem — let’s change our consumption patterns,” he said.

    ———

    Asadu reported from Abuja, Nigeria. Associated Press writers Krista Larson in Dakar, Senegal; Sibi Arasu in Bengaluru, India; Wanjohi Kabukuru in Sharm El Sheikh, Egypt; Christina Larson in Washington; Rodney Muhumuza in Kampala, Uganda, and Jean-Yves Kamale in Kinshasa, Congo, contributed.

    ———

    Associated Press climate and environmental coverage receives support from several private foundations. See more about AP’s climate initiative here. The AP is solely responsible for all content.

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  • TV role helps Mayan Lopez heal relationship with dad George

    TV role helps Mayan Lopez heal relationship with dad George

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    Mayan Lopez’s co-star in her new NBC sitcom “ Lopez vs Lopez ” happens to be her real-life dad, George Lopez.

    The two play a father and daughter who are repairing their relationship after years of not getting along. As is the Lopez way, art imitates life: George’s previous TV roles in “The George Lopez Show” and “Lopez” were also based on his real life. After divorcing her mother, Ann, in 2012, Mayan Lopez says she felt resentment toward her dad and the two didn’t have much contact until they reconnected during the pandemic.

    “Two years ago my dad and I weren’t really talking, but family became something that was really important when the whole world was up in flames,” she said. “As you grow older, you start to see your parents as people.”

    Mayan Lopez recognizes her dad didn’t always know how to relate to her because he was abandoned by his own parents and raised by his maternal grandmother, whom he did not get along with. “He didn’t always know how to relate to me. I get to kind of have that (perspective) now.”

    The genesis of “Lopez vs Lopez” came about when TV producer Debby Wolfe stumbled upon Mayan’s TikTok account.

    “Someone was talking about my dad, the past things that have happened, you know that my dad was unfaithful, about my parents’ divorce, and it was getting a lot of likes. And I was like, ‘You know what? I want to say something about it because some of the facts aren’t right.’ And I thought, ‘What will get people’s attention?’ And I thought, ‘Oh, let me just twerk upside down (against) a wall. Why not? I’m a comedian. I’ll go for the joke.’”

    Wolfe saw that, plus Mayan’s other content, including videos with her dad and even posts of both her parents together, bickering like they were still married and thought, “This is a show.”

    The opportunity was a dream come true for Mayan who studied sketch comedy and improv and also trained at Second City. She’s also respectful of her dad’s talent and showbiz experience.

    “I have a world-class comedian to be able to learn from,” she said. “I take his advice and his knowledge and I have my own things that I bring to the table. He even says we make each other better because he’s like, ‘Oh, there’s another one of me.’ We bounce off of each other and collaborate on set. We’ll write things and even improvise as we’re performing. It’s been great to work with him in that way.”

    Mom is also around too and “so proud.”

    “We perform in front of a live audience and my mom’s there every week,” said Lopez. “She was there for ‘The George Lopez Show’ that was based on (dad’s) life. And now we have another show. It’s kind of the Lopez way of doing things, making our life art so that people can enjoy and also be able to be a representation of the Latin community.”

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  • Relationship Expert Sharon Pope Releases Results of New Poll – Which Political Party Has Stronger Relationships

    Relationship Expert Sharon Pope Releases Results of New Poll – Which Political Party Has Stronger Relationships

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    Press Release
    –

    Nov 8, 2022 16:00 EST


    ST. PETERSBURG, Fla., November 8, 2022 (Newswire.com)
    –
    Sharon Pope, Relationship Expert, polled 454 people to determine if one political party is having more sex in their marriages than another. The survey showed that Republicans are having sex more frequently in their marriages than either Democrats or Independents.

    33.51% of Republicans are having sex at least once a week or more, compared to 26.52% for Democrats and 29.69% for Independents. In contrast to that finding, Democrats stated that they haven’t had sex even once in the last month (31.82%), compared to Republicans and Independents (35.05% and 35.16% respectively).  

    “The amount of sex people are having has much more to do with the closeness between two people and how we engage with our life – than what we value or support in any specific political party. In my experience, the couples that are more relaxed both individually and with one another and able to have more fun together are those that have sex more frequently. While those couples that carry the worry and stress of life or kids or work or politics have a more difficult time connecting to one another on a consistent basis.” 

    Caring About Politics without Being Consumed by It

    Sex can be a barometer for the health of a marriage, and how we engage with the world around us can be a measure for how willing and able we are to connect with others, all of which impacts our most important and most intimate relationship.

    “Of course we should engage with and form opinions about the policies that impact our lives and the health of our world, but sometimes that can be a heavy weight to carry.”

    “Worry, fear and concern keeps us in our heads and emotionally shut down. From that place, we’re not open to connecting sexually (or otherwise) with one another.”

    “The key to being engaged with politics AND still being able to exist in a healthy, loving and connected marriage is to pay attention to politics, but not be consumed by it; to care about the outcomes but realize that you alone do not determine the outcomes.”

    “If you want to have more sex and feel more connected to your partner, don’t go looking for things to worry about over which you cannot control. Instead, do your part, research the candidates and issues, show-up and vote, and then look for ways to relax while spending quality time with your partner. You’ll know how it ends soon enough.” 

    About Sharon Pope

    Sharon Pope is a Master Life Coach, Relationship Expert and Seven-Time Best-Selling Author on Love and Relationships. She has helped thousands of women find the confidence and clarity they need to either fix the struggles in their relationship or move forward without regret. She’s been published numerous times, including in the Modern Love column in The New York Times.

    Source: Sharon Pope, LLC

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  • Why Do People Ghost? I Did It For Decades And I Finally Have An Answer.

    Why Do People Ghost? I Did It For Decades And I Finally Have An Answer.

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    It was our third date. I sat at Brian’s kitchen table while he elegantly multitasked between searing steak au poivre and replenishing my glass of Cote-Rotie. Our mutual friend Wendy had introduced us after a work event. We were both sommeliers, sharing an obsession with wine, and my legs felt like jelly. This man was too gallant, too available, too together. I shifted my gaze toward the door and mentally rehearsed my exit. The following day, I stopped responding to his texts.

    This is my ugly secret: I was a serial ghoster. Although ghosting ― or disappearing from a relationship with no warning by ceasing all communication ― is now common (a recent survey found that 30% of American adults identify as victims of ghosting), and perhaps even accepted by many people as an inevitable part of dating, it doesn’t occur without consequences and can leave a path of emotional destruction. Psychologists say ghosting is a character disorder that stems from trauma and conflict evasion. They aren’t wrong. While legendary ghosters immortalized in literature have often been men (think Willoughby from “Sense and Sensibility”), ghosting is actually gender-neutral and equal-opportunity. Anybody with a healthy dose of avoidant-attachment is capable of callously leaving without a trace.

    My first ghosting episode was senior year of high school with Fernando, whom I met on an exchange program to Magdalena, Mexico. Sneaking out of my home-stay family’s house, we stayed up talking and making out in the back seat of his parked car until the sun rose over the Sonoran desert. This was before cellphones, so after I returned home, he mailed me love letters in messy cobalt cursive on lined paper and signed, “Te amo mucho.” I was tongue-tied, incapable of expressing my conflicted emotions. I procrastinated writing back. The hurt in his follow-up notes made me want to crawl under the table. Correspondence dwindled until it eventually stopped altogether but I stayed silent. At 17, I’d established a pattern of running away that would haunt me for decades.

    In college, ghosting became habitual ― an involuntary muscle movement as natural as blinking or breathing. As soon as someone tried to get close to me, a warning buzzer went off in my brain and I vanished like an apparition.

    Once on a blind date at a coffee shop in San Francisco, the man across the table squeezed my hand affectionately while discussing the orphanage where he’d volunteered in Malawi. He was just my type ― kind, witty, a master of the New York Times Sunday crossword, and was like a son to my best friend’s aging mom. I laughed at his jokes and quizzed him about his passion for recumbent bikes. As he drove away, I heard a little voice in my head say, Cut him off now, before things go too far. Easier to mourn something that could have been than the alternative. My next move was to stop returning his calls. Before too long, he stopped trying.

    Unlike some other antisocial or destructive behavior, you can ghost almost indefinitely and no one calls you out. At least in the early phase of dating or a relationship, most ghostees won’t stage dramatic Lifetime movie scenes, banging bravely on your door in the rain, demanding to know why you exited without an explanatory word, Post-it note, text, call, smoke signal, or carrier pigeon.

    Most people who are ghosted assume they did something wrong or that the ghoster just wasn’t feeling it and wasn’t brave enough to admit it. We’ve allowed this bad behavior because it happens so often that now it just seems normal.

    “The ghosting spun even more out of control in my 20s and 30s. It became a coping skill, a magic shield that I used whenever there was conflict, if I felt vulnerable, threatened, or worried about letting somebody down.”

    Post-ghost, while others are losing sleep wondering if it was the wine they spilled on the waiter or the story of how they once sharted at a Vegas casino from bad buffet shrimp, the ghoster is already moving on to the next victim. There are no ghost police, no ghost courts, and no ghost “interventions.”

    Once it dawned on me that there were no imminent emotional consequences to disappearing, it was even easier to pull a Houdini the next time a romantic prospect invited me to their brother’s bar mitzvah.

    Even when I myself was ghosted in the most humiliating ways (e.g., waiting on a street corner in Madrid with matching floral luggage in tow, anticipating a weekend getaway with a guy who would never show), it wasn’t enough to deter me from the dark path.

    In fact, the ghosting spun even more out of control in my 20s and 30s. It wasn’t just limited to the romantic context, but spread malignantly throughout my life to friends, co-workers, and even family. It became a coping skill, a magic shield that I used whenever there was conflict, or if I felt vulnerable, threatened, or worried about letting somebody down.

    I discovered the more I ghosted, the harder it was to sustain the intimacy and connection I craved. It was a self-perpetuating cycle of self-loathing and shame. Sometimes, I imagined going back in a time machine to Fernando or the guy at the coffee shop and begging for a redo.

    I ached to stop running, but first I had to face up to why I ran in the first place.

    A skilled therapist helped connect the dots between my childhood trauma and inability to sustain relationships. I pieced together the stories of my life like a horrific, fascinating tapestry. When I was 8, the nanny tasked with raising me since infancy disappeared abruptly, leaving me with trust and abandonment issues. Essentially, I was a ghoster because I had been ghosted as a child. Given my terror of intimacy and rejection, ghosting gave me a sense of control.

    The word “ghost” is so apt. What is a ghost but an empty breath of air, incapable of taste or feeling, pathetically doomed to wander the Earth alone like Dickens’ Jacob Marley? This was no way to live.

    One year after steak au poivre with Brian, I finally came clean with our mutual friend Wendy about how I’d screwed things up. “Do you think he’ll talk to me?” I pleaded. “You really hurt his feelings,” she responded quietly. “But I think it’s worth a shot.”

    This was my first time un-ghosting someone. I cringed while gathering courage to call him. He didn’t pick up. I left an awkward message, stammering an incomprehensible apology. No response ― which was no less than I deserved. A few weeks down the line, we ran into each other unexpectedly in the hallway at a San Diego sommelier convention. We hugged stiffly, while I tried not to wrinkle his suit. “It’s nice to see you,” he said coolly. But later, he texted to invite me for a glass of wine.

    At our wedding years later, Brian joked that he had nicknamed me “Casperina” to his friends.

    The author and Brian after their wedding in August 2018.

    Courtesy of Michelle Powers

    I wish I could say that my ghostiness was cured. It’s still a thing, but now it shows up in less extreme ways. Close friends and family have (grudgingly) come to accept it. When I fall off the wagon, I regain course by owning my actions and finding self-compassion, but it’s a constant work in progress. Parts of me will probably always struggle with connection. But now, when it matters most, I choose to do the opposite of ghosting. I show up.

    Michelle Powers is an attorney, sommelier and writer in San Diego, where she lives with her husband, Brian, and two dogs.

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  • Nick Carter remembers his ‘baby brother’ Aaron Carter

    Nick Carter remembers his ‘baby brother’ Aaron Carter

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    NEW YORK (AP) — The day after 34-year-old singer Aaron Carter was found dead at his home in Southern California, Nick Carter, the Backstreet Boys member, remembered his younger brother, saying that despite “a complicated relationship,” his love for him “never ever faded.”

    In a posting Sunday on Instagram with photos of the two through the years, Nick Carter said his heart was broken after the death of the youngest of five Carter siblings, whom he called his “baby brother.”

    “My heart has been broken today,” wrote Carter. “Even though my brother and I have had a complicated relationship, my love for him has never ever faded. I have always held onto the hope that he would somehow, someday want to walk a healthy path and eventually find the help that he so desperately needed.”

    Deputies responded around 11 a.m. Saturday following reports of a medical emergency at Carter’s home in Lancaster, California. Authorities said a house sitter found a man in the bathtub in the home and resuscitation efforts were unsuccessful.

    Carter had struggled with substance abuse and mental health. In 2017, he attended rehab and was arrested on suspicion of driving under the influence and marijuana charges. In 2019, Carter said on an episode of the talk show “The Doctors” that he was taking medication for acute anxiety, manic depression and multiple personality disorder. That same year, Nick and Angel, Aaron’s twin sister, said they filed a restraining order against Aaron.

    In September, Carter said he went into rehab for the fifth time in the hopes of regaining custody of his young son, Prince, with his fiancé Melanie Martin. At the time, Prince was under the court-ordered care of Martin’s mother.

    “Sometimes we want to blame someone or something for a loss. But the truth is that addiction and mental illness is the real villain here,” Nick Carter wrote in the post. “I will miss my brother more than anyone will ever know. I love you Chizz, now you get a chance to finally have some peace you could never find here on earth. God, Please take care of my baby brother.”

    In 2012, their sister, Leslie Carter, died after falling in the shower in 2012 at the age of 25. Authorities said she had suffered an overdose from prescription medication. Carter once said he felt his family partly blamed him for her death.

    Carter, a singer, rapper and actor, opened for the Backstreet Boys tour in 1997, the same year his gold-selling debut self-titled album was released. He reached triple-platinum status with his sophomore album, 2000′s “Aaron’s Party (Come Get It),” which produced hit singles including the title song and “I Want Candy.”

    Carter’s acting credits included the television show “Lizzie McGuire” and an appearance on “Dancing With the Stars.” He starred alongside his brother, Nick, and their siblings B.J., Leslie and Angel Carter on the E! unscripted series “House of Carters” in 2006.

    Hilary Duff, who starred in “Lizzie McGuire,” recalled Carter as having an “effervescent” charm, and said her “teenage self” loved him deeply. “I’m deeply sorry that life was so hard for you and that you had to struggle in-front of the whole world,” she wrote on Instagram.

    Angel Carter, his twin sister, also responded on social media. “My funny, sweet Aaron, I have so many memories of you and I, and I promise to cherish them,” she wrote on Instagram. “I know you’re at peace now. I will carry you with me until the day I die and get to see you again.”

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  • Be an Agent of Change

    Be an Agent of Change

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    I remember the day I got saved like no other. My dad and I used to stay up late playing video games, and on one beautiful summer night, the trajectory of my life would forever be changed. At 2:30 am, I was given an option between life and death.

    I wasn’t threatened to make a choice.

    I wasn’t forced to believe what Mom and Dad believed.

    I wasn’t even given the “you’re going to hell” speech.

    Nevertheless, something within my heart drew me to Jesus.

    It was not just a choice. It was my choice.

    It was not just a decision. It was my decision.

    It was not their pressed acceptance. It was my acceptance.

    A Choice

    Today, I think many good and well-intentional Christians want to save others, but they are going about it the wrong way.

    When I was in high school, for instance, I not so fondly recall reading Jonathan Edward’s pivotal sermon, “Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God.” 

    In a secular high school English class, you can imagine the horror and disdain I felt reading this as a student. All the people in my class who didn’t know God, who didn’t understand Christianity or religion, who didn’t have a view, now had the view that the God I loved and served was merely dangling them over a pit of hell. The text made it seem this was a pit of hell He would gladly drop them over the second they made a mistake. 

    What a sad view of such a loving and powerful God.

    Who God Is

    While God is a God to be feared, respected, and honored, and hell is a very real place, scaring people into salvation is not what Christ intended for us. And it certainly is not what He called us as His disciples to do.

    Yes, the gospel message requires an acknowledgment of our sins. It requires us to humble ourselves before God and realize that we all fall short of the glory of His splendor. It requires us to see that He is God and we are not. Yes, the gospel message requires us to realize that atonement was needed for our sins. That because we sinned and fell in the Garden of Eden, we were the ones who deserved condemnation and hell.

    But the gospel message also requires us to realize that because of Jesus, we can be saved. We can confess that Jesus Christ is the Lord of our lives, ask for forgiveness of our sins, and live the way He intended for us to live. We can become Gospel-Message Bearers just as He was the Light of the World.

    A Ministry of Love

    Jesus ministered to others using parables. He often taught harsh truths to the Pharisees and Sadducees (who needed harsh words to break free of their obsession with religion). But His main method of conversion was love.

    Jesus made it clear that God came to save everyone. 

    “This is good and pleases God our Savior, who wants everyone to be saved and to understand the truth” (1 Timothy 2:3-4, NLT).

    “And this is the will of God, that I should not lose even one of all those he has given me, but that I should raise them up at the last day” (John 6:39, NLT).

    Jesus made it clear that all needed to repent from sin and accept Jesus Christ as the Lord of their life:

    “For everyone has sinned; we all fall short of God’s glorious standard” (Romans 3:23, NLT).

    “If you openly declare that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved” (Romans 10:9, NLT).

    How to Treat Others

    But when Jesus met the woman at the well who’d had five husbands, He didn’t start with, “you’re going to hell.” He started with, “I know everything about you, but I’m here to offer you a way of life that will never run dry” (John 4).

    When God called Noah, and he ran away, God sent protection and love in the form of conviction (Genesis 5:29).

    When Jesus felt the tears of a prostitute flow over His feet, He didn’t tell her to get out; He let her touch Him. He let her get close, and her life was changed (Luke 7:36-50).

    As a born-again Christian, I will not minimize the seriousness of sin, salvation, heaven, or hell. All are real, and all have consequences or outcomes. But when it comes to sharing the Gospel, might I plead with you this:

    The student in my class who came from a divorced family needs to know that Jesus sees her and loves her before she’s told she’s going to Hell without Him.

    The student in my class who was the child of two people addicted to drugs needs to know that Jesus came to offer her a better way of life and love before she’s told to just go to church and figure it out.

    The student in my class who is stuck in a generational wave of mental health disorders needs to hear that God is with them in health and poverty before they’re given a blanket statement to just pray or read their Bible more.

    The student in my class who feels like religion and God are being forced down their throat needs to know and experience the love, care, and true gospel message of Christ through you before you expect them to become a follower of Christ.

    Our world needs more living out and less suppression. It needs Christians willing to live and breathe like Jesus so that others may experience Him and be saved.

    “Instead, you must worship Christ as Lord of your life. And if someone asks about your hope as a believer, always be ready to explain it. 16 But do this in a gentle and respectful way.[c] Keep your conscience clear. Then if people speak against you, they will be ashamed when they see what a good life you live because you belong to Christ” (1 Peter 3:15-16, NLT).

    Be an Effective Agent of Change

    The most effective agents of change for Christ are not those scaring people into salvation. And despite the popularity of “hell walks” at churches during Halloween, I do not believe fear has a place in the love and salvation Christ offers the sinner.

    The most effective agents of change for Christ are those who build a trusting relationship with the sinner.

    These change agents invest in those relationships by living as Christ intended them to and then present the gospel message—not to scare them but to show them a reality. Not to force them but to offer them a choice. 

    This is a choice that will change their entire life for eternity to come.

    Jesus was a friend of sinners, and so should we be. 

    Agape, Amber 

    Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/monkeybusinessimages

    Amber Ginter is a young adult writer that currently works as an English teacher in Chillicothe, Ohio, and has a passionate desire to impact the world for Jesus through her love for writing, aesthetics, health/fitness, and ministry. Amber seeks to proclaim her love for Christ and the Gospel through her writing, aesthetic worship arts, and volunteer roles. She is enrolled in the YWW Author Conservatory to become a full-time author and is a featured writer for Crosswalk, ibelieve, Salem Web Network, The Rebelution, Daughter of Delight, Kallos, Anchored Passion, No Small Life, and Darling Magazine. In the past, she’s also contributed to Called Christian Writers, Southern Ohio Today News, Ohio Christian University, and The Circleville Herald. Visit her website at amberginter.com.

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    Amber Ginter

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  • What Your Grieving Friend Wishes You Knew This Holiday Season

    What Your Grieving Friend Wishes You Knew This Holiday Season

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    If I were honest, I have been mentally (and emotionally) preparing for this season for quite some time. It not only encompasses two of my (and my mom’s) favorite holidays, but it is wrapped in birthdays and anniversaries, so a lot is going on! But this year is different. It’s now become something to survive, rather than special days to celebrate.

    Needless to say, preparations have already been made. The takeout order for our Thanksgiving meal is set, and I dare not set foot in her favorite craft store. I’ve also made a point to cozy up with her blue blanket and a cup of cocoa as I’ve ugly cried to sappy Christmas movies on a few occasions.

    It’s been a little over six months since I held my six-year-old’s hand and watched my mom’s casket be lowered into the ground. Since that day, grief has taken on many shapes and sizes. I am beginning to realize that grief isn’t linear but comes and goes in waves, having a rhythm all its own. There are painful reminders of my mom’s absence everywhere. I can’t manage to find peace and joy in this season no matter how hard I try, and social settings are not only awkward but, in some cases, completely isolating.

    I have discovered months after losing my precious momma that grief changes you. It’s the unexpected journey nobody wants to take, so it’s often chartered alone. However, I could really use a trusted friend right about now. Unfortunately, many of them have gone silent. Maybe they don’t know what to say or feel it’s not worth mentioning since it’s been six months. Grief can be hard to navigate with friends; I understand that.

    But, if you have a friend enduring a deep loss and grieving this holiday season, I encourage you to reach out because the silence is deafening. If you are unsure how to do that, here are a few things your grieving friend probably wishes you knew and gentle ways in which you can comfort them this holiday season.

    Just Say (or Do) Something…But Be Sincere

    The amount of support our family received the weeks after my mother passed was heartwarming. It truly was, and I am forever grateful to those that provided meals, cards, flowers, and help with childcare. But then, as if out of nowhere, it stopped. Completely.

    Perhaps one of the hardest parts of this grief journey has been the avoidance and awkward silence. It’s as if my mother’s death instantly became the elephant in the room. Nobody knew what to say, so they didn’t say anything at all, or they didn’t acknowledge my loss in any way making small talk, leading us both in search of the nearest exit. Then there were responses that left me speechless, such as, “I’ve been meaning to send you a card or connect with you, but completely spaced or forgot.”

    I get that life is busy. I’m a mom. It’s a busy season, and this time of year adds a whole new layer of stress. However, silence, feeling forgotten, and insincere comments can be hurtful. So, here are some words (and actions) that may provide comfort for your friend:

    -Hand them the card, then apologize for your forgetfulness.

    -Take them a coffee and ask if you can pray for them.

    -Call, text, or send an encouraging Bible verse.

    -Offer a healing and heartfelt hug.

    -Simple statements of “I’m sorry” and “I’m here to listen” go a long way.

    Be Patient with Them

    It may be discouraging when you have reached out and tried to be a good friend, only to find they haven’t responded at all. Be patient with them. Healing from a loss that is so devastating takes time. Remember, this isn’t a linear type of growth. They will have good days and bad. It’s all a process, as grief brings unexpected highs and lows every day.

    That being said, this time of year, as joyful as it is for many, isn’t so “holly and jolly” for your friend. It’s a stark reminder of who is missing. Try to be understanding if they decline an invite or step away from an event early.

    They may treat this holiday differently than you thought but respect their time and decisions. Keep in mind that they are merely putting one foot in front of the other, going through the motions until January 2.

    Here are some ways to extend patience to your grieving friend:

    -Don’t push or make them feel bad for turning down an invite.

    -Ask about their loved one and listen to how they used to celebrate the holidays together.

    -Remind them to take the time they need this season and that you are ready to meet up whenever they are.

    -Offer your time and let them know you are willing to be a crying shoulder whenever they need one.

    -Wrap your love in forgiveness and know they may react in emotional haste or come across in a way that is unlike them. Grief is often messy and can bring about all kinds of emotions.

    Don’t Compare Their Grief

    I got a random text from a friend I hadn’t heard from in years. She invited me out to dinner, and I reluctantly agreed. Something in my heart warned me not to go, but I desperately needed a friend, so I went.

    She broke the awkward silence by asking about my mother, which I was thankful for, so I proceeded to tell the story of what happened the best I could muster and manage. Then she said three words that instantly set me aback: “Well, at least…” The whelp in my throat grew as I forced back the sting of tears and tried to politely smile, as I do believe she was just trying to be sympathetic. But in all honesty, I am not sure what she said after those three words.

    Here is the thing about grief. We will all encounter it at some point, and every story is different and should all be heard in the right timing. However, when your friend is walking through a season of deep grief and painful “firsts,” please be gentle with them and their heart.

    Resist the urge to relate in some way by comparing it to something you are going through, as it only makes their grief feel invalidated. Common platitudes or cliches, such as “At least they are in a better place” or “I understand how you feel when I lost…” may be said with the best of intentions, but they generally come across as disingenuous.

    Here are some ways to support and console your grieving friend while validating the season of grief they are currently walking through.

    -If they agree to meet up, please understand it may not be easy for them to be around others, so be gentle in your approach.

    -Invite them to share their story if and when they are ready, then listen attentively.

    -Try not to project your own experiences with loss onto your friend. Loss is a personal journey and should be seen as such.

    -Realize they may not be ready to talk, so sometimes a casual conversation is best, but try to take their lead on this.

    -Try to refrain from offering unsolicited advice such as, “Get more sleep” or “Stay positive.” These comments can sound condescending. Rather, let them know you are praying for God to bring them His peace and comfort.

    They Feel Bad for Being Absent-Minded

    The grief your friend currently carries has changed them; they know this, and it truly hurts them that they don’t have the emotional energy to keep up with the things they once did. They often secretly feel bad for forgetting birthdays or special occasions. They also want to attend social events but don’t always feel they know their place anymore.

    Their role has changed, and with it comes a fallout in many areas of their life, including the things they once loved and enjoyed. Now, with the holidays approaching, reminders of their loved ones are everywhere, often causing them to lose sight of their everyday responsibilities.

    The days are already filled with tasks your friend can barely manage, then add the stressors of the holidays and the heavy weight of grief; it can all be too much at times. This can eventually make your grieving friend feel like they are letting others down, becoming a disappointment.

    Here are some ways you can step in and help your friend feel forgiven for mishaps and that they still hold a valuable place in your life:

    -Don’t make them feel bad for forgetting an important day.

    -Remind them of all the good things they are still doing.

    -Take their children for a day in order to give them a moment to seek rest and sit in their grief.

    -Offer real support, such as, “I can bring dinner by this Wednesday or bring you groceries on Thursday evening.”

    -Follow up with them on events with simple and sweet reminders.

    Navigating a friendship being tested by a profound loss is not for the faint of heart. It’s surely not easy and can be somewhat uncomfortable at times, but in helping a friend wade through the murky waters of grief, know that your efforts are not only seen by your hurting friend but by our loving Father. Coming from a place of grief myself, I can tell you it is a lonely journey, but the connection with a true friend is invaluable. So, may God provide you with meaningful ways to bless, love, and support your grieving friend this holiday season, and may it also richly bless you.

    Photo credit: © Getty Images/Kerkez

    Alicia Searl is a devotional author, blogger, and speaker that is passionate about pouring out her heart and pointing ladies of all ages back to Jesus. She has an education background and master’s in literacy.  Her favorite people call her Mom, which is why much of her time is spent cheering them on at a softball game or dance class. She is married to her heartthrob (a tall, spiky-haired blond) who can whip up a mean latte. She sips that goodness while writing her heart on a page while her puppy licks her feet. Visit her website at aliciasearl.com and connect with her on Instagram and Facebook.

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  • Why Couples Must Listen to the Voice of the Holy Spirit

    Why Couples Must Listen to the Voice of the Holy Spirit

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    Romans 8:14 “For as many as are led by the Spirit of God, they are the sons of God. For ye have not received the spirit of bondage again to fear; but ye have received the Spirit of adoption, whereby we cry, Abba, Father. The Spirit itself beareth witness with our spirit, that we are the children of God:  And if children, then heirs; heirs of God, and joint-heirs with Christ; if so be that we suffer with him, that we may be also glorified together.” 

    One of the most important and least understood roles of the Holy Spirit is communicating God’s thoughts to us. Listening to God’s voice is well-documented in Scripture, both in the Old and New Testaments. Adhering to the voice of the Holy Spirit is relational, that is, arising out of a relationship between you and God. It should be something we have a keen interest in doing at all times, especially as Christian couples who yearn for God to bless and guide our families.

    But if you seldom or never hear the whispers of the Spirit, or feel His nudges, you’re missing out on one of the great blessings of your heritage as a child of God. For you and your spouse to hear the voice of the Holy Spirit, you must develop a good foundation by reading the Bible, praying daily, and fasting regularly. Without such spiritual security, you’re missing out on one of the greatest spiritual warfare tools, an instant message from headquarters (heaven) on what the enemy is doing and how to defeat him. Yes! It’s that important for Christian families to hear the voice of the Holy Spirit.

    Listening to God’s voice is a habit of the greatest men and women of faith, and we see many references to this throughout the Old and New Testaments. For example, Peter was in a house in Joppa and had a vision while napping on the roof. When he woke up, Acts 10:19 says, “While Peter thought on the vision, the Spirit said unto him, Behold, three men seek thee.” He went with them, and the first Gentiles heard the gospel, believed, and received the Holy Spirit. 

    And the gospel quickly spread beyond the Jewish and Samaritan worlds into the Roman empire and beyond. All this happened because Peter heard the words of the Holy Spirit and obeyed. This shows that hearing the voice of the Holy Spirit isn’t enough as a couple. You must also learn to obey the words spoken by the Spirit. 

    If God in his majesty has chosen to speak to you, nothing is more important than learning to hear and obey God’s voice! John 10:27 supports this by saying, “My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me.” 

    However, we must be careful with the voices we hear. This is why you two must ask for, receive, and build upon the gifts of the Holy Spirit in your home. When you see your spouse digging into the Word or handling a situation with God’s grace, encourage them. Build them up as they press forward in their relationship with God. 

    1 Corinthians 12:6-10 talks about these gifts, and verse ten says, “To another the working of miracles; to another prophecy; to another discerning of spirits; to another divers kind of tongues; to another the interpretation of tongues.” 

    We must also possess a discerning spirit and recognize the true voice of the Most High God and not fall a victim to the voice of the devil. Satan is a cunning being who will do anything to mislead the true children of God however he can. 1 John 4:1 warns us: “Beloved, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are from God because many false prophets have gone out into the world.”

    There is a biblical account of people possessed by spirits of deception, falsely prophesying: “She continued doing this for many days. But Paul was greatly annoyed and turned and said to the spirit, ‘I command you in the name of Jesus Christ to come out of her!’” (Acts 16:18). We can imagine how many ignorant people must have been led astray by this woman. This is why it’s crucial that couples, who establish and carry on godly generations, should discern the true, powerful voice of the Holy Spirit. 

    Let’s walk through the benefits of couples listening to the Holy Spirit’s voice:

    1. Understanding God’s True Character

    God is trustworthy; He keeps what He has promised. God is kind; He is concerned for us and attentive to our prayers. God is at peace and confident in himself and never intimidated by evil, for He knows He will forever overcome it. The fact that God is omnipresent is another quality he possesses, confirming that God exists simultaneously everywhere. God also isn’t limited by time as humans are; He exists outside our temporal frame of reference.

    David says in Psalm 139:7-8, “Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.” 

    God’s Spirit is everywhere. There is no place you or your family can go where God is not. He is a wise God. According to the Bible, His ways are superior to our ways, and His thoughts are superior to ours. Because we do not possess God’s mind, we cannot fully comprehend why He permits the world to exist as it does. Even though we don’t fully understand everything, we must trust in Him as the good God we know Him to be. Perhaps your husband no longer wishes to attend church or your wife just had a miscarriage. Sin and tragedies exist in a fallen world, and it is up to godly couples to recall God’s kind, faithful nature when fear, hurt, and temptation knock on their doors.

    He is an all-powerful God. God has more power than any other living thing. Isaiah 40:28 says, “The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable.” God’s power allows him to do what He wants.

    God is love. The Bible says that God is love. Love is His quintessence, the essence of who God is. This is why many believers have 1 Corinthians 13 quoted at their weddings. God’s love is so strong and pure that it’s the foundation Christian couples set before entering marriage. 

    He is also righteous and wants us to be without blemish. Genesis 17:1 confirms this by saying, “When Abram was ninety-nine years old, the LORD appeared to Abram and said to him, I am God Almighty; walk before me, and be blameless.” Furthermore, 1 Peter 1:15-16 says, “But as he who called you is holy, you also be holy in all your conduct, since it is written, You shall be holy, for I am holy.”

    2. Making Us Aware of God’s Plans and Purposes

    When you both make it a habit to listen to the Spirit of God, He will soon begin to reveal His true purpose for your lives, as individuals and as a couple. This will be evident in the way He directs you and in the spiritual instructions and guidance you both receive from God. Often, when couples pray together and prioritize God’s plan for them, God blesses both husband and wife with the same desires, realizations, and opportunities. 

    3. Growing in Your Personal Relationship with God

    You both become more intimate with God when you always listen to the voice of His Spirit. This is one of the great benefits that accrues when you and your spouse faithfully pay attention to the voice of God.

    Listening to God’s voice allows you to know Him better. John 10:27 says, “My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me, and I give unto them eternal life, and they shall never perish, neither shall any man pluck them out of my hand.” 

    4. Gaining a Better Understanding of Things You Don’t Know About

    When husband and wife listen to the voice of the Holy Spirit, He will open your eyes and minds to great knowledge and wisdom beyond the imagination. 

    “Call unto me, and I will answer thee, and show thee great and mighty things, which thou knowest not.” Jeremiah 33:3

    Listening to the voice of God heightens your spiritual sensitivity and strengthens your relationship with the Most High, blessing your heavenly and earthly relationships. 

    Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/pcess609

    Emmanuel Abimbola is a creative freelance writer, blogger, and web designer. He is a devout Christian with an uncompromising faith who hails from Ondo State in Nigeria, West Africa. As a lover of kids, Emmanuel runs a small elementary school in Arigidi, Nigeria.

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  • Australia to reveal economic plan for deteriorating outlook

    Australia to reveal economic plan for deteriorating outlook

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    CANBERRA, Australia — Australia’s new government on Tuesday will propose an economic plan to steer the nation through rising inflation and interest rates while reigning in debt.

    Treasurer Jim Chalmers will deliver his center-left Labor Party’s first annual budget for the fiscal year that began in July.

    It will be the first budget by a Labor government in nine years and must contend with unprecedented levels of debt as a result of the COVID-19 pandemic.

    Chalmers said rising inflation was the primary influence on how he drafted his economic blueprint.

    “The budget will be solid, sensible and suited for the times. It will recognize that in a time of extreme global uncertainty, our best defense is a responsible budget at home,” Chalmers told reporters.

    “The budget has three objectives: responsible cost-of-living relief, strengthening the economy and beginning the hard yards of budget repair,” he added.

    The previous conservative government had forecast in its last budget in March a 78 billion Australian dollar ($49 billion) deficit in the current fiscal year.

    The new government’s forecast more than halves that deficit to AU$36.9 billion ($23.3 billion) thanks mainly to higher prices for commodities including iron ore and coal.

    However, slowing economic growth was expected to add to the longer-term difficulty of repaying debt.

    The March budget forecast that gross debt as a share of the economic growth would peak in mid-2025 at 44.9%, or AU$1.117 trilllion ($709 billion).

    The budget will help families by increasing child care subsidies and gradually increasing paid parental leave entitlements from 18 to 26 weeks, the government said.

    Prime Minister Anthony Albanese said the budget would provide cost-of-living relief for families without fueling inflation.

    “The priority will be on measures that boost the economy, that boost productivity. Cheaper child care does just that. So does paid parental leave,” Albanese said.

    The government will need to get its budget measures through the Parliament, where compromises may need to be made.

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  • 6 Ways to Cope with Your Narcissistic Parents This Holiday Season

    6 Ways to Cope with Your Narcissistic Parents This Holiday Season

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    If time and finances are available, take some time off before the holidays. Get a massage, a facial, or something else that relaxes you. Find relaxing activities to do before and after the day you see your parents. Adult coloring books, knitting, and crocheting are also great and cheap activities to soothe the mind and relax the body. This will help you cope with the holiday season and all the stress that comes with it. The more relaxed you are, the better you’ll be able to see the situation with your parents clearly. You may find you overreact more than necessary. By allowing your mind to replenish its stress hormones, you will find you will be able to cope with the holidays more easily. 

    6. Resolve Your Emotions

    Sometimes you are reacting to a present event with your parents. But sometimes you’re reacting to unresolved wounds and past hurts that have not been resolved. There are great resources available to help you deal with setting firm boundaries and resolving past hurts so that you can see present events with clarity. Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. Henry Townsend and Emotionally Healthy Spiritually by Pete Scazzero are two great resources to help you with this. There are also additional classes and courses you can take to help you deal specifically with your emotions regarding your parents. Do what you can to forgive past events before you see them. Unresolved emotional wounds can cloud your judgment and make you see things from a skewed perspective. You may never forget what has happened in the past, which you can choose to forgive. God calls us to forgive others of their sins so that we will be forgiven of our sins. 

    Take some time with the Lord and conduct an analysis of your parenting style. Do you find you do things similarly to your parents? As much as we dislike it, we sometimes become more like our parents than we realize. If you identify something you say or do that is similarly hurtful to your children as you have been hurt by your parents, understand that we’re all human. Our parents did the best they could with what they learned from the previous generation. Give them a break and give yourself a break as well. You may find you’re more like your parents than you previously thought.

    The holidays can be stressful regardless of who is around your dinner table. But it can be especially stressful when your parents choose to put themselves first instead of you. Strive to put their needs first, and you will find yourself less frustrated and restore your joy. You may find you have a better holiday than you anticipate when you choose to act the way Jesus wants us to act. 

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    Michelle S. Lazurek

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  • Balenciaga fashion house cuts ties with Ye, report says

    Balenciaga fashion house cuts ties with Ye, report says

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    PARIS — The Balenciaga fashion house has cut ties with Ye, the rapper formerly known as Kanye West, according to a news report.

    The move came after several offensive comments from Ye, including antisemitic posts that earned him suspensions from Twitter and Instagram.

    “Balenciaga has no longer any relationship nor any plans for future projects related to this artist,” parent company Kering told Women’s Wear Daily in response to a query Friday without elaborating.

    The company did not respond to multiple emails and calls from The Associated Press requesting comment. A representative for Ye also did not respond to a request for comment.

    Ye had collaborated in several areas with Balenciaga and its artistic director, Demna Gvasalia. The label has also had an active relationship with Kim Kardashian, Ye’s ex-wife, who has appeared in their advertising campaigns and credits her former husband with introducing her to the brand.

    Ye was recently blocked from posting on Twitter and Instagram over antisemitic posts that the social networks said violated their policies. He has also suggested slavery was a choice and called the COVID-19 vaccine the “mark of the beast.”

    After getting locked out of the social media platforms, he’s offered to buy right-wing-friendly social network Parler.

    During Paris Fashion Week, the rapper walked as a model in Balenciaga’s ready-to-wear show — what designer Gvasalia at the time called an “iconic moment.” He was then seen at Givenchy’s collection wearing a Balenciaga-branded black tooth brace.

    Ye was also criticized that week for wearing a “White Lives Matter” T-shirt to his Yeezy collection show in Paris and the shirt made an appearance on the runway itself. According to the Southern Poverty Law Center, which tracks hate groups, White Lives Matter is a neo-Nazi group.

    In recent weeks, Ye has ended Yeezy’s association with Gap and has told Bloomberg that he plans to cut ties with his corporate suppliers. Adidas has placed its sneaker deal with Ye under review, and JPMorganChase and Ye have ended their business relationship — although the banking breakup was in the works even before Ye’s antisemitic comments.

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  • Sitting Together in Hard Times

    Sitting Together in Hard Times

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    We will all experience challenging times in life. Jesus Himself told us that “in this world you will have trouble” (John 16:33). We have all likely known someone helpful and comforting to have around when we go through those challenging times, and we have all likely known someone who makes the situation harder, despite their intentions. Praying is always good. Bringing a meal or helping with schedules are great tangible ways to care for others. But what about just sitting with someone in their time of need? How can we ensure that we are the type of person who helps others? Who doesn’t make things more difficult? Who provides true comfort and empathy rather than empty words? The way that we are to treat each other during hard times can be summed up in one Bible verse: “Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn” (Romans 12:15).

    A Time for Everything

    Often, we want to just make things better, easier, and more understandable. We try to heal wounds that are too fresh to be healed and give explanations to events that may never be understood this side of heaven. We want to avoid the uncomfortable pain and lack of explanation. Platitudes such as “Everything happens for a reason” invoke eye-rolls because they gloss over the pain of being human. It is ok to hurt, to mourn, and to grieve. It’s ok to just say to someone, “I’m sorry you are experiencing this,” or “This is just so terrible.” Ecclesiastes 3 tells us that “there is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens: …a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance,…a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,…a time to be silent and a time to speak….” Like Romans 12:15 says, when a friend is mourning, it is time for us to mourn with them.

    Job’s Friends

    The book of Job is often the first place we look when we want to discuss suffering. Job’s friends started on the right track to help him in his pain. “When Job’s three friends, Eliphaz the Temanite, Bildad the Shuhite and Zophar the Naamathite, heard about all the troubles that had come upon him, they set out from their homes and met together by agreement to go and sympathize with him and comfort him.  When they saw him from a distance, they could hardly recognize him; they began to weep aloud, and they tore their robes and sprinkled dust on their heads.  Then they sat on the ground with him for seven days and seven nights. No one said a word to him because they saw how great his suffering was” Job 2:11-13). What a beautiful friendship! They showed up and mourned together. They were hurt for their friend, and they loved him simply by being by his side. 

    But then they started talking. They gave lengthy speeches telling Job that he must have done something wrong, attempting to explain God’s actions. This provided no comfort at all to Job. In fact, it upset him even more. In Job 16:2-5, Job responds to his friends, “I have heard many things like these; you are miserable comforters, all of you! Will your long-winded speeches never end? What ails you that you keep on arguing? I also could speak like you, if you were in my place; I could make fine speeches against you and shake my head at you. But my mouth would encourage you; comfort from my lips would bring you relief.” 

    Not only did their words cause more hurt to Job, but in trying to provide answers on behalf of God, they were just wrong. As the Lord said, in Job 42:7 “to Eliphaz the Temanite, ‘I am angry with you and your two friends, because you have not spoken the truth about Me, as my servant Job has.” We do not know the inner workings of the spiritual realm. We do not know why terrible things happen other than that we live in a fallen world. We don’t have to know it all because God does! “Of the depth of the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable His judgments, and His paths beyond tracing out! Who has known the mind of the Lord? Or who has been His counselor?” (Romans 11:33-34). We should not offer words of explanation on God’s behalf because we are not capable of such knowledge. “Those who guard their mouths and their tongues keep themselves from calamity” (Proverbs 21:23). 

    What to Do 

    When we do not know what to say to our friends or what to pray about their situation, we take comfort in the knowledge that these circumstances are not a surprise to God and not beyond His almighty power. Romans 8:26 guides us in how to pray, telling us that “the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans.” Sitting quietly with someone provides more comfort than empty words. The power of silence and stillness are sprinkled throughout Scripture. “The Lord will fight for you; you need only be still” (Exodus 14:14). “Be still and know that I am God” (Psalm 46:10). “The one who has knowledge uses words with restraint, and whoever has understanding is even-tempered. Even fools are thought wise if they keep silent, and discerning if they hold their tongues” (Proverbs 17:27-28). The Lord appeared to Elijah in a gentle whisper (1 Kings 19:11-13).

    While we do not need to fill the space with lengthy speeches or attempted explanations, or empty platitudes, we can rest in the truth that we are equipped to provide comfort. “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God” (2 Corinthians 1:3-6). 

    The Good Samaritan 

    In Luke 10:25-37, we read the story of the good Samaritan. Jesus tells a story of a man walking along the road when he was robbed, beaten, and left for dead. A couple of people see him on the side of the road and just keep going about their business. Then a man from Samaria takes pity on him. “He went to him and bandaged his wounds, pouring on oil and wine. Then he put the man on his own donkey, brought him to an inn and took care of him” (v. 34).

    This dramatic example of caring for someone supports what John writes in 1 John 3:18: “Dear children, let us not love with words or speech, but in action and in truth.” When the time comes for us to love others through their challenging times, may we be people who “carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ” (Galatians 6:2). May we be people who love with fewer words and more actions. 

    Photo Credit: ©Unsplash/Remi Walle

    Megan Moore is a military spouse and mom of 3 (through birth and adoption). A speech-language pathologist by training, she now spends her time moving around the country every couple of years. She is passionate about special needs, adoption, and ice cream.

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  • Doorbell video shows malnourished Texas twins seeking help

    Doorbell video shows malnourished Texas twins seeking help

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    CYPRESS, Texas — A teenager who told Texas police that he and his twin sister were handcuffed and endured horrific abuse escaped their family’s home after he found a handcuff key and hid it in his mouth, authorities said in court records.

    The twins, barefoot and holding handcuffs, were seen on doorbell video as they sought help in a Cypress neighborhood, just outside Houston. The video, obtained by Houston TV station KHOU, showed the teens walking door-to-door about 5:30 a.m. Tuesday as they sought help.

    The boy was shirtless and the girl was wearing only a plastic grocery bag around her neck as a shirt, according to an affidavit.

    Their mother, Zaikiya Duncan, 40, was arrested hours later in Louisiana after police issued a missing children alert for five other children. All seven children, including the twins, are now in Child Protective Service custody, authorities said.

    The 15-year-old twins were severely malnourished and told police that abuse had been occurring for months, the affidavit said. They told police that Duncan handcuffed them, forced them to drink bleach and other household cleaners and also sprayed oven cleaner in their mouths “if they talked too much,” the affidavit said.

    The twins also told authorities that they were forced to eat and drink feces and urine, according to the affidavit.

    Duncan is jailed in Baton Rouge and awaits extradition on charges of aggravated assault. Her live-in boyfriend, 27-year-old Jova Terrell, also faces an assault charge. It wasn’t known whether either had an attorney and they are expected to be extradited to Texas within 30 days, Houston TV station KPRC reported.

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  • 3 Truths We Can Learn from Jacob and Rachel’s Relationship

    3 Truths We Can Learn from Jacob and Rachel’s Relationship

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    Jacob and Rachel’s relationship, though reveled in as the finest biblical romance, endured many difficulties. Jacob worked seven years for Rachel’s hand. When the seven years ended, Jacob was ready to marry Rachel, yet Rachel’s father, Laban, tricked Jacob and gave him Leah (Rachel’s sister) instead. This caused Jacob to work seven more years to marry Rachel. Rachel and Leah became Jacob’s wives, but Jacob always preferred Rachel. 

    This biblical soap opera showcases three truths we can learn from Jacob and Rachel’s relationship:

    1. Favoritism Is Wrong

    The Bible states Jacob loved Rachel more than Leah: “his love for Rachel was greater than his love for Leah. And he worked for Laban another seven years” (Genesis 29:30b). Yet, the Bible tells us directly, “My brothers and sisters, believers in our glorious Lord Jesus Christ must not show favoritism” (James 2:1). Jacob showed favoritism in his relationship with Rachel, though he was married to both sisters.

    God never wants us to show favoritism in any of our human relationships. While polygamy is wrong, Jacob shouldn’t have shown favoritism between the two. Due to his blatant favoritism, we see bitterness creep up in Leah’s heart. Naturally, she begins to doubt her worth while living in Rachel’s shadow. 

    In our own relationships, we should only have one partner, and we should not express favoritism. Often in relationships, partners can compare their current partner with a past partner or even show favoritism toward a past partner over their current partner. God doesn’t want us to do this. Instead of dividing our interests, we need to focus on one partner, the current partner, rather than comparing them to somebody else.

    In the same way, outside of romantic relationships, we should not show favoritism within the family. Sadly, many parents play favorites with their children, or children play favorites with their parents. Friends play favorites, teachers have their pets, and coaches have their number-one Allstars. As Christians, we never need to play favorites or show favoritism. We need to love all people as Jesus says, “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another” (John 13:34). 

    2. Polygamy Is Wrong

    A second truth we can learn from Jacob and Rachel’s relationship is that polygamy is wrong. As previously mentioned in the first point, Jacob showed favoritism to Rachel over Leah. If an individual has multiple spouses, favoritism is bound to result. This is one of the many reasons why polygamy is wrong. Jacob was married to both Leah and Rachel, but at the beginning of creation, God designed marriage to be between one man and one woman (Genesis 2:24). Anything outside of this goes against God’s design for marriage.

    Polygamy brings many problems into a relationship, as shown throughout Jacob’s relationship with Rachel and Leah. As Christians, we should never endorse polygamy. Simply because it was in the Old Testament doesn’t make it okay. God never tells us polygamy is right. God specifically tells us we should only have one husband or one wife. Polygamy has been accepted by many false belief systems, including the Church of the Latter Day Saints, formally known as the Mormon Church, but this is not biblical, nor are their other doctrines. 

    In our relationships, we must ensure we only have one partner. We should not have multiple husbands or multiple wives. We need to focus on one partner—not multiple partners. Even in the case of dating, a Christian should only date one person at a time. The purpose of dating is to see if the other person will be a potential person to marry. If an individual is dating multiple people, it can cause division, confusion, and a lack of faithfulness. These concerns occurred between Jacob and Rachel and only created tension and hostility. 

    3. Marriage Shouldn’t Be Based on Physical Appearance 

    A third truth we can learn from Jacob and Rachel’s relationship is that marriage should not be based on physical appearance. Rachel was very beautiful, and that made Jacob attracted to her. The Bible tells us, “Leah had weak eyes, but Rachel had a lovely figure and was beautiful” (Genesis 29:17). Since Rachel was beautiful, Jacob loved her more than Leah. Despite Rachel’s physical appearance, we are never told she was a follower of God. In fact, the Bible tells us Rachel took one of her father’s household gods with her when they left (Genesis 31:19,34). 

    Proverbs 31:30 says, “Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.” Leah was a woman who loved God and followed Him. She called out to Him in her distress, and He heard her. While Rachel was beautiful on the outside, we are never told she was beautiful on the inside. From God’s eyes, Leah was beautiful because she loved Him, followed Him, and obeyed Him. 

    Marriage should not be based on physical appearance because love is not based on a person’s fleeting features. When you love somebody, it’s because of the character within—not because of how “pretty” or “handsome” they are. Instead, we love those who are kind, caring, and compassionate. It doesn’t matter as much what they look like. Sure, an attractive person is nice to look at, but if we stop and think, most of us would prefer to spend time with someone we genuinely cared about, whose heart and soul was beautiful regardless of their outward appearance.

    Regarding relationships, we must love others because we value them as a person created in God’s image—not just because they look attractive on the outside. When you are in a relationship, try to focus more on the inner beauty of the individual rather than their outward looks. The Apostle Peter tells us, “Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight” (1 Peter 3:3-4). 

    Relationships need to be built upon God and a biblical definition of love. Christians should not have a relationship with those who don’t know God, nor should we have relationships outside the confines of biblical love. It is highly plausible that Jacob and Rachel’s relationship was built on lust instead of real love. In our relationships, we must ensure they are built upon God, His Word, and true sacrificial love. 

    The world has mixed the definition of love and lust to be the same, yet they are opposites. Lust does not last, but love does. Jesus warns us against lust, “But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (Matthew 5:28). As demonstrated by Jesus’ words, lust is not a good thing as it leads to discontentment, comparison, and sexual sin (both in the mind, heart, and body). For a relationship to last, romantic or not, it must be built on the foundation of God’s great, sacrificial love for us. 

    While Jacob and Rachel are well known in the study of theology, their relationship had many difficulties, which God wants us to avoid. We can learn from Jacob and Rachel’s relationship that we should not show favoritism, practice polygamy, or base marriage on physical appearance. If we understand these truths and apply them, it will help us in our own relationships. God wants us to have healthy relationships built in true, life-giving love. 

    Photo Credit: ©Pexels/Frans Van Heerden

    Vivian Bricker loves Jesus, studying the Word of God, and helping others in their walk with Christ. She has earned a Bachelor of Arts and Master’s degree in Christian Ministry with a deep academic emphasis in theology. Her favorite things to do are spending time with her family and friends, reading, and spending time outside. When she is not writing, she is embarking on other adventures.

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  • An Open Letter to the Boy I Was Told Didn’t Exist

    An Open Letter to the Boy I Was Told Didn’t Exist

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    Thank You for Proving Them Wrong  

    First, I want to thank you for proving them wrong. I can’t tell you how many times I was told what I was looking for “just doesn’t exist.” There were moments where I almost threw in the towel and settled for second-rate as I started listening to those who told me I didn’t have to lower my standards, just make them more “realistic.” Yet, you are the most realistic and fairytale-like man I have ever met.  

    Thank You for Teaching Me How to Love

    Second, I want to thank you for teaching me how to love. I had always been taught that a man should love a woman the way Christ loves the Church, but I never knew that by loving you, I would learn of the faithfulness, gentleness, patience, and compassion of our Father.  

    In this world, love is transactional. You give to get, and if the relationship isn’t beneficial one hundred percent of the time, you get left. You’ve taught me that bad days or weeks, or months are okay to have. You have shown me that love does not hinge on performance or what a person can give another person. Instead, it solidifies itself into the deepest, most secretive places of our hearts. It tears down walls to build castles. It fights nightmares to encourage dreams. And it grows roots so that storms can’t blow it away or tear it down. You have shown me that true love, the kind of love that stays, can only originate from the Father. Then, we can share it with others.  

    Thank You for Being My Friend 

    Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would find a man who would not only give me roses and willingly listen to my Taylor Swift fan-girl sessions but would double as a best friend. You sit for hours and listen to me ramble on about life’s drama. You participate in spa nights with me (sometimes un-begrudgingly) when you know I’m not feeling my best. You encourage me to take risks and put myself out there, all while cheering for me in the background. You’re a confidant and lifeline that I only ever prayed would exist.  

    I Am So Proud of You  

    I also want you to know that I am proud of you. This world is a cruel place. It tears down dreams and runs over those who don’t uphold its sinful standards. Yet somehow, I have seen you walk into the dark parts of this world and let your light shine on those who inhabit the darkness. You never impose judgment, nor do you carry yourself in a boastful manner. You simply walk up to those who are hurting and offer a hand. You reflect the kindness of Jesus so well every day.  

    Your kindness is something that I have grown to anticipate in every area. No matter how small the gesture or large the inconvenience, you never fail to show others that they have value. You never stop fighting to fill the void of loneliness and misdirection in this world with Jesus’ love. I will forever be proud of who you are and honored to stand by your side. 

    I Will Always Be Your Biggest Fan  

    I want you to know that on the days you feel torn down, I will still be cheering you on.  When life seems to have no direction, you can always come to me. I know the best and the worst parts of you. So on the days everyone else gets to see the best of you, I will be there in the crowd of smiling faces. I will be the one cheering the loudest and beaming the brightest.  And on the days that everyone sees the worst, I’ll stand in front of you, making sure that no one gets to harm the heart that I have come to know and love so well. I will take the harsh words or sentiments, so you don’t have to. I will always cheer for you, love you, and support you no matter what.  

    I want you to dream big

    I want to remind you of how capable and wise you are. You have a tenacity for the things that fill you with passion and a tendency to solve rather complicated issues. I believe in you more than anything, and I want you to remember that God is always on your side. There is so little that is in our control, but there is nothing that is out of God’s. Pray big and dream big because I believe our God has big plans for you. I believe He is going to use you in ways that you never thought possible and that are too large for you to fathom right now. Don’t sell yourself short, and don’t put God in a box. Dream the big dream, do the hard work, and then trust that God will take you the rest of the way right into His plan for you.  

    Thank you for helping me trust  

    When we met, I told you it would take me a long time to trust you fully. In all honesty, I expected that to offend you, at the very least. You were not the reason for my lack of trust, but you were the one who was being hurt nay it. Yet, you looked at me with eyes full of compassion and told me that it was okay to be guarded. You insisted that you would show me rather than tell me that I could trust you. As usual, you held strong to your word and slowly taught me that true and pure trust is a beautiful thing that I shouldn’t shy away from but welcome into my life.  

    I love you

    Lastly, I just want you to know that I love you. You are the prince I sang with  Sleeping Beauty as a little girl. You are the friend I lacked in elementary school. You are the crush that I daydreamed about finding in middle school. You are the confidence boost that I  craved in high school. You are the dream come true that I met in college. You are my answered prayer. And you most definitely exist. 

    Photo Credit: ©iStock/Getty Images Plus/monkeybusinessimages

    Olivia Lauren is a graduate student passionate about Scripture, particularly the Book of Romans showcasing God’s grace. Outside her studies, she enjoys teaching her dog new tricks and finding quicker ways to silence the smoke alarm after trying a new recipe. 

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  • 3 Things to Remember if a Loved One Committed Suicide

    3 Things to Remember if a Loved One Committed Suicide

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    Today would have been my dear friend’s 28th birthday, and this year, I would have told her happy birthday. I wouldn’t have forgotten to tell her how grateful I was that she graced this world with another year of her laughter and rich kindness. 

    But I forgot last year. 

    And only a few days later, she took her life. 

    I got the text around 5 a.m. relaying the dreadful news. I reread the message repeatedly, afraid that if I put down my phone and peeled my eyes off the words, I would have to accept them. I would have to process and replay that I had missed her birthday (though she hadn’t missed mine). I would be forced to count the times I thought about checking in on her and her baby girls and didn’t. Why didn’t I? Because my schedule and my to-do lists somehow always seemed more important. 

    My shame quickly stepped in and took grief for a torturous twist. I wept bitterly. I mourned not only her loss but the newfound reality that I wasn’t there for her as I should have been. 

    If you had checked on her when she shared that post about anxiety, she might have opened up to you. Maybe she would’ve gotten help or found hope. 

    Some big, bad, holy-rolling mental health advocate you are, huh? You don’t mind chatting about mental health and faith to recruit social media followers, but where were these conversations when your dear friend was wading through her darkest days? 

    Where were you? 

    What kind of friend were you?

    Can you even call yourself her friend? 

    Like a brutal broken record, these piercing thoughts replayed, hollowing my heart day and night. Shame’s salvos were relentless, offering no sign of light, life, or hope. 

    Nonetheless, at some point, I had to move on. I had to accept reality and press forward. But how? 

    It took time, and it continues to take time as I navigate grief without shame suffocating my journey, but I would like to share three things you should remember when a loved one commits suicide. 

    I pray these three things aid your healing: 

    1. You Aren’t Responsible

    You aren’t responsible for another person’s decisions. You are called to love them well, to support and encourage them and even call out their unhealthy choices, but you weren’t granted control over them for rightful reasons. Love is freeing. It cares so deeply about someone that it steps back and allows them to make their own choices. 

    After all, Jesus doesn’t force us to accept Him. Though He knows the agonizing consequences if we don’t, He still lets us choose. Why? Love isn’t love if it’s forced. At that point, it’s watered down to manipulation. 

    1 Corinthians 13:8 tells us, “Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease.”

    In other words, no matter what we know—no matter how aware we are of the danger of our loved one’s decisions—love doesn’t steal freedom from another. 

    It wasn’t and isn’t your responsibility to dictate another person’s decisions, and by allowing them the freedom to live their own lives, you are free of the consequences of their actions. 

    Does this mean if a friend mentions suicide, you should side-step their troubles and let them “make the decision” to take their life? No, no, no! But does recognizing a loved one’s freedom make grieving their suicide any easier? Yes, with time. As the adrenaline subsides, emotions find a healthier rhythm, and your mind recalls the truth, you can slowly see that you aren’t required to carry out the burden of the consequences of their decision.

    Remember that love is freeing–for both parties. 

    2. Your Love Was Enough

    I’ll repeat: your love was enough. 

    So often, we tally up the ways we failed that person. We recall the times we didn’t check in on them, follow through with coffee plans, or care enough to ask hard questions that might have made them upset but saved their life. 

    What if I had only pushed harder? Asked more? Kept my word? Stayed faithful to the schedule? Prioritized our time better? 

    What if my love wasn’t enough to make them know they mattered? 

    What if? 

    What if? 

    What if? 

    As a young girl battling Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, I became well-acquainted with this hounding, two-word question. My mom always countered, “Remind yourself that what-ifs don’t matter. Tell your mind that.” I did and still do tell my mind that what-ifs don’t matter, but often, my mind doesn’t take its own advice. 

    Yet, at some point, we must be brave enough to answer our what-if questions, tell them they don’t matter, and walk away from their death grip. You see, what-ifs don’t hold the keys to your shackles. You do. What-ifs only have the control you permit. 

    And regardless of whether or not you question if your love was enough, no matter how often you wonder what would have happened if you had loved them “better,” carrying such shame won’t heal anyone. 

    It won’t restore their life. But it will destroy yours. 

    Don’t give what-ifs such power. Don’t allow yourself to second guess if your love was enough. 

    I’ll answer this one for you: your love was more than enough. 

    Rest in that today. 

    3. Grief Is Allowed to be Messy

    Bottling up grief always leads to an unhealthy explosion. And heaven forbid you unleash its detonating blow on someone who didn’t deserve the bitterness, anger, and deep hurt swelled in your exhausted, heavy soul. 

    Remember that grief is allowed to be messy. Healthy grief is not linear. It’s up and down, in and out, here then there, hiding, then in plain sight. It’s not limited to certain times and locations but has its own schedule that infiltrates everything we see, smell, touch, hear, feel, think, remember, etc. 

    I challenge you to face your grief and allow it to have a place on your journey. It can come along for the messy, bumpy ride. In fact, you can introduce your grief to trusted Christian mentors, counselors, and close friends and family. I encourage you to welcome grief to sit at your table as you have healthy conversations to process what has happened to you. 

    Let grief be part of your healing journey. 

    But remember, shame isn’t allowed on this trip. There is no hope, light, or life at the end of shame’s sick games. It promises no peace, resolution, or healthy survival tactics. It wants you to feel guilty when you haven’t “defeated” grief, but I am here to say: grief never really leaves us. When we love someone, they stay with us, and their absence is forever present. It’s almost tangible in a loud, surreal way. 

    You are allowed to grieve. But you aren’t allowed to let shame control your story if you ever want to find peace and lay the what-if questions to rest.

    I’m on this journey with you. I’m paddling alongside you. You might see me cry. You’ll certainly hear me mention my dear friend’s name. But promise me you’ll call me out when shame takes the stern. 

    And if you’ll allow me, I’ll call you out too. 

    That’s the only way we heal together. 

    For more on my story of navigating grief following my dear friend’s suicide, check out my latest book: Tired, Hungry, & Kinda Faithful, Where Exhaustion & Exile Meet God.

    Related Resource:

    Jeremy Stalnecker seeks to help his podcast listeners answer one of the toughest questions we all face: “How do I move forward when my world is falling apart?” You can listen to every episode of March or Die for FREE on LifeAudio, or listen to an episode right now by clicking the play button below:

    Photo Credit: ©Raychan/Unsplash

    Peyton Garland is an author and coffee shop hopper who loves helping others find beauty from ashes despite OCD, burned bridges, and perfectionism. Follow her on Instagram @peytonmgarland and check out her latest book, Tired, Hungry, & Kinda Faithful, Where Exhaustion and Exile Meet God, to discover how your cup can overflow, even in dry seasons. 

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  • 5 Christlike Ways to Handle Disagreements

    5 Christlike Ways to Handle Disagreements

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    In life, there will always be conflict. No matter how much we try to avoid it, there will always be people who share different opinions than we do. If both parties are passionate about their opinions, believing each is correct, this results in conflict. Christians often avoid conflict because they think it’s not Christlike. They believe it’s not being gracious by asserting themselves or their opinions on others. Christians also fear not being liked. Jesus embodied grace, but he also set firm boundaries with others, especially those who did not want to put God and his will first in their lives. 

    Handle Conflict in a Christlike Manner

    Consider the rich young ruler. Mark 10:21-22 says, “Looking at him, Jesus showed love to him and said to him, “One thing you lack: go and sell all you possess and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow Me.”  But he was deeply dismayed by these words, and he went away grieving; for he was one who owned much property.” 

    Jesus did not run after the man; he allowed him to make his own choices. Jesus rooted his identity in his father, and being right was not on his agenda. He came to do the work of his father on earth, and he often paid the price of rejection and persecution (and ultimately death) because of it. In the same way, being Christlike does not mean being liked or not being assertive. Certain situations require us to set firm boundaries against people who may hinder our spiritual growth. This often results in conflict. Although all conflicts in our lives may never be fully resolved, we are called to deal with them as Christlike as possible. 

    Here are six Christlike ways to handle disagreements:

    1. Pray About It

    When we disagree with someone, the first thing we can do is pray. Give God the situation. Pray for the person with whom you are in conflict. Ask the Lord to speak and reveal to you anything you need to know about the situation that you may not know already. Ask the Lord to show you anything about the person you may need to know. Reflect on their story—their background, childhood, and current standing with your local church body. Ask the Lord to soften your heart towards that person. During the disagreement, you may have said things that attacked their character, and they may have done the same. Redeem this behavior by confessing your sin to God. Offer an apology to the other party. They may or may not accept it, but you have taken the first step toward resolving the conflict in a Christlike manner.

    2. Bite Your Tongue

    In the heat of the moment, it is easy to use hurtful words and harsh comments to win the argument or to protect yourself from further rejection. Yet, when Jesus was on trial and falsely accused, he did not snap back with a quick comment or a word of knowledge about their lives. He instead remained silent, knowing that the ultimate judge had already found him not guilty. 

    When our identities are rooted in Christ, the rejection of others is secondary to our standing with God. If we can remain blameless in a situation before God, we have already won the argument, regardless of whether we have come to a timely resolution. Ephesians 4:29 says, “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” Seek always to build others up rather than tear them down. We will not be perfect at this, yet striving to put others first even in the heat of conflict reflects Christlike character.

    God’s will is for all people to be at peace. Paul writes about this in several of his letters to his churches. Since the church is the Bride of Christ, its members are our brothers and sisters. With so many opinions, we are bound to conflict with one another at some point. But it is how we resolve the conflict that counts. Be the first to offer a sincere apology to the other party. Practice active listening by listening to their point of view without asserting yours. When the other party is finished speaking, state your position again. Ask if they can see it from your perspective. Sometimes a shift in perspective can help us truly understand the situation from another point of view. 

    3. Forgive Always

    Forgiveness is perhaps the hardest part of conflict because the other party might offer an apology, but trust has not been achieved. Therefore, you may be suspicious if they might repeat the action again. Scripture is clear that if we do not forgive others, God will not forgive us of our sins. We must understand that forgiveness is a process. It is a result of processing through tough emotions and resolving them in a way that cultivates Christlike character. When we seek to forgive others even when we feel they don’t deserve it, we are becoming more like Christ because Jesus died on the cross, taking on the world’s sins but having committed no sin himself. The other party may not forgive you, but that is no excuse for you not to seek forgiveness. We are obligated as Christians to forgive one another, regardless of the other party’s response.

    4. Pinpoint the Underlying Needs

    In the heat of the moment, it is easy to argue about the conflict at hand. This may result from a current situation where the two of you are entangled. Yet, the emotional response to the conflict may have nothing to do with you. If this is someone you know personally, recall what you have observed in their lives. Is there any unresolved trauma or other wounds from the past that may be interfering with your current conflict? Sometimes people seek justice in this current situation because they did not receive justice for a past injury or victimization. If this is the case, kindly state what you believe to be true and see if there’s a grain of truth to it. If there is, help them seek to resolve the previous pain so that pain does not interfere with your relationship today. By doing so, you will not only seek to resolve the conflict peacefully, but you may gain a true friend in the process.

    5. Wish Them Well

    Paul and Barnabas had such a sharp disagreement that they had to part ways: “Barnabas wanted to take John, also called Mark, with them, but Paul did not think it wise to take him, because he had deserted them in Pamphylia and had not continued with them in the work. They had such a sharp disagreement that they parted company. Barnabas took Mark and sailed for Cyprus, but Paul chose Silas and left, commended by the believers to the grace of the Lord” (Acts 15:37-40). Scripture never says whether that conflict was resolved. While we may wish every conflict in which we are embroiled comes to a peaceful agreement, that’s not always the case. 

    Seek reconciliation and peace as much as possible. We can live at peace with someone and not be in conflict with them. Yet that conflict was not completely resolved. Romans 12:18 says, “as it stands with you, live at peace with all men.” Despite our passionate position and extension of grace, we may never resolve every conflict in our lives. Process any unresolved emotions or pain from the incident. Live at peace with yourself and accept that you may never be in a relationship with that person again. If reconciliation cannot be achieved, wish them well and pray for God’s blessing over their lives. 

    Conflict is always difficult. No one likes to be involved in conflict with others. But it is a necessary element of living with other people. Do your best to seek resolution and reconciliation with others. It may not always be possible, but peace and the Christlike character that results is always a guaranteed outcome.

    Photo Credit: ©iStock/Getty Images Plus/Prostock-Studio

    Michelle S. Lazurek is a multi-genre award-winning author, speaker, pastor’s wife, and mother. She is a literary agent for Wordwise Media Services and a certified writing coach. Her new children’s book Who God Wants Me to Be encourages girls to discover God’s plan for their careers. When not working, she enjoys sipping a Starbucks latte, collecting 80s memorabilia, and spending time with her family and her crazy dog. For more info, please visit her website www.michellelazurek.com.

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    Michelle S. Lazurek

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  • LIV Golf players should get ranking points, Matsuyama says

    LIV Golf players should get ranking points, Matsuyama says

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    INZAI CITY, Japan — The players who left to compete in the Saudi-funded LIV Golf series should be entitled to earn ranking points, former Masters champion Hideki Matsuyama said Tuesday.

    Speaking at the Zozo Championship, which opens Thursday, Matsuyama called the ranking-points question ”difficult” and didn’t offer any details, solutions or clarifications.

    “I think they should be able to,” he said, speaking in Japanese. “However, there’s a procedure they’ll have to follow.”

    LIV Golf is funded by Saudi Arabia’s sovereign wealth fund. Matsuyama suggested he was staying with the PGA Tour.

    “I’m a member of the PGA Tour,” Matsuyama said. “The players who left did so because they thought it was the right thing to do. So I can’t say anything about them.”

    Viktor Hovland also said LIV players shouldn’t get an automatic exemption for ranking points.

    “If you want to get world ranking points, you obviously have to follow the process,” the Norwegian said. “And I think they’re obviously making an effort to get those points, but I don’t think it’s right to give them an exemption to just get points overnight. They obviously have to follow the process, whatever the process might be.”

    Matsuyama won last year’s Zozo Championship — the only PGA Tour event in Japan — with a final-round 65 for a five-shot victory over Brendan Steele at the Accordia Golf Narashino Country Club, the same venue for this year.

    He’ll be the local favorite at the course located about an hour outside Tokyo. The purse is $11 million.

    “The energy that the fans provide really helps out, it helps my game,” Matsuyama said. “But on the other hand, there’s pressure that goes along with it.”

    Xander Schauffele may be under more pressure than Matsuyama, and also will have his own Japan-related following.

    The American’s mother has roots in Taiwan but grew up in Japan. He said his wife, Maya, was born in Japan’s southern island of Okinawa, and her mother is from a small island off the Okinawa coast — Miyakojima.

    He said he has a pre-tournament meal in the Tokyo area planned with some of his extended family in Japan.

    “I think there’s going to be probably roughly 30 of us is what I’ve heard. It will be nice to see all my grandparents, my uncles, aunts and my cousins,” he said.

    Schauffele was asked precisely how many he expected for dinner.

    “As many as I can get out,” he said.

    After the tournament, he’s heading to the Okinawa area for another family event with his “wife’s grandparents.”

    “I’ve never met them,” he said, “so I’m very excited to go and spend a couple nights.”

    ———

    More AP golf: https://apnews.com/hub/golf and https://twitter.com/AP—Sports

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  • What Is Cuffing Season?

    What Is Cuffing Season?

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    Winter is coming. Do you know what that means? Cuffing season is upon us. And if you happen to follow #cuffingseason, you’ll learn that September is “Drafting” and October is the “Tryout” phase.

    It has nothing to do with sports. It’s all about dating during this time of year.

    “Cuffing season is the search for someone to shack up with or exclusively date during the holidays and colder winter months,” says Samantha Burns, a psychotherapist and dating coach and author of Done with Dating: 7 Steps to Finding Your Person. “It’s a time when casual dating shifts to more exclusive, committed dating. It’s about enjoying the warmth of a cuddle buddy instead of venturing out into the cold to meet up with potential dating duds,” she says.

    There isn’t hard scientific data on the dating trend, some outlets have attempted to quantify it. In one survey by the dating app Coffee Meets Bagel, about half of singles surveyed said they think more about dating during cuffing season, and 4 in 10 say they’re more likely to use dating apps during this time. One-fifth of survey respondents said they’d date someone in the winter to avoid being lonely, according to data analytics firm YouGov. (This survey focused on cuffing being a conscious short-term fling, but of course these relationships can last longer.)

     

     

    While the term might sound lighthearted and fun, the drive to get cuffed is based on a deep, natural human need, says psychologist Lisa Marie Bobby, PhD, host of the Love, Happiness & Success podcast. “In the summer, people are flittering around like dragonflies. In the winter, at least in the Northern hemisphere, it’s cold and dark, and it can feel very lonely,” she says. “There’s this evolutionary pull to connect with other humans, which is often subconscious.”

    Not to mention, no matter where you live, the holidays – with all their family events and parties – are looming. Simply seeing the decorations out in stores can prime you to seek connection, Bobby says. That’s especially true if you want to be able to shut down your always-critical aunt at the Thanksgiving table. (Yes! I have found someone!) And if one of your goals this year was to find a partner, now you’re on a deadline – and that might make you even more enthusiastic to get out there.

    No matter what your motivation, it’s valid and useful. “Finding the right person requires a lot of energy and effort,” Bobby says. Cuffing season can give you that extra push you need.

    How Long Can Cuffing Last?

    Cuffing, while it may be seasonally motivated, isn’t always a temporary fling. For some, that’s the case: You want a person to be your plus one for the holidays. “The relationship could fizzle out come spring, but you could also genuinely fall in love and create a long-lasting relationship,” Burns says.

    There’s also an opportunity to get to know people on a deeper level during this time of year. “It always takes a long time to really get to know someone,” Bobby says. “To connect and develop a relationship during a quieter time of year is to your advantage, since it can help you get to know someone on a more meaningful level.”

     

     

    Ordering in just the two of you or cuddling on the couch, for instance, may set the stage for deeper conversations. At the very least, being one-on-one helps you determine if you really enjoy spending time with this person and if their goals and values are in line with yours. And if you bring them around the family for the holidays (or you go to theirs)? That’s another way to deepen that connection and get a sense on if this is a true fit or not. By the time spring comes around, you’ve had enough time to know if you’d like to continue.

    Cuff Considerately

    Whether winter is coming or it’s smack dab in the middle of summer, it’s important to keep a few things in mind for a healthy partnership.

    Communicate: Don’t know your new partner’s intentions with the relationship? Burns urges you to open up the lines of communication to get on the same page. You may want a long-term commitment, but what if they want something casual? Hopefully, they’re open to answering questions about where you two stand, but if they dodge or shut down the convo, that’s your indication that they’re not taking things as seriously as you are, she says. It will be up to you to decide if you’re OK with that. Similarly, if you’re at relationship crossroads and don’t want to be with the person you’re cuffed with any longer, then it’s important to be clear and break up (no ghosting).

    Open up: It’s not just The Bachelor franchise that has a trademark on getting vulnerable. In fact, if you are trying to find Your Person during cuffing season, Burns suggests having meaningful, vulnerable conversations during the first few dates. That includes big questions, such as having kids (and raising them!), what your political beliefs are, what you want out of life, and much more. This has a dual purpose: “This is how you can not only create deeper emotional intimacy and form connection,” Burns says, “but also make sure you’re not wasting your time with someone who will only be around for one season, or who doesn’t want the same things.”

    Work on yourself: Before cuffing season kicks off, it’s a great time to do the inner work that can help foster attracting the right partner and building healthy relationships, Bobby says. “Getting clear about who you are and your values and gaining self-awareness about your patterns in relationships is personal growth work that can help you make good decisions.”

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