Because of Jesus’s death on the cross, God forgives our transgressions and chooses to remember them no more. It is the same in our marriage. It is crucial to choose your battles. If you are getting into a battle over every minor annoyance, it may be time to analyze why you’re getting so easily agitated. If previous issues have not been dealt with and forgiven properly, they can become relevant in your current squabbles. Ask the Lord to reveal any previous fights or issues you have not forgiven. As Christians, we are called to forgive others seventy times seven. We need to do so in our marriages as well. Forgive past issues and then analyze if the current argument you are embroiled in is worth the fight. More than likely, it’s not.
Conflict in any marriage is difficult. But the conflict that has gone unresolved and hearts that have gone unchecked can result in emotional separation, or worse, divorce. Choose your battles and fight the battles that will make you better people in the end. Choose not to make divorce an option. Forgive when necessary, give each other the benefit of the doubt, and best of all give the situation over to the Lord. God wants nothing but the best for your marriage, as it’s a reflection of the relationship Christ has with his church. The best way to help our churches regain their voices in society is to be a better example in our marriages.
I hear it often in my work with couples. Two people on the brink of divorce, not because of abuse or infidelity, but because the relationship no longer makes them happy. As they describe, the excitement, curiosity, and fun they experienced at the beginning of their relationship are no longer there. Wedding vows may say, ‘till death us do part,’ but for many those words have lost their meaning.
The reality is that culture has changed and the beliefs we carry about marriage often mirror those changes. Truth today is seen as relative, feelings fuel our experience, and a consumer-driven mindset fosters more transactional attitudes toward relationships.
Instead of understanding God’s true purpose for marriage, we routinely view marriage based on what another person can do for us, what they can give us, and ultimately, how they make us feel about ourselves.
Bottom line: If happiness is your primary expectation of marriage, you will most likely find yourself disillusioned and disappointed.
Why Did God Design Marriage?
We must understand God’s design for us as individuals if we are to understand His design for marriage. While many Believers have a superficial notion of God as a ‘genie-in-the-bottle’ whose primary function is to make us happy, the Bible is clear that His design for His children is to make us holy (ie: sanctified, conformed to His image,) not happy. 1 Pet 1:15-16
A.W. Tozer describes, “No man should desire to be happy who is not at the same time holy. He should spend his efforts in seeking to know and do the will of God, leaving to Christ the matter of how happy he should be.”
Tim Keller, pastor, author, and theologian, defines marriage as, “…a lifelong, monogamous relationship between and man and a woman. According to the Bible, God devised marriage to reflect the saving love for us in Christ, to refine our character, to create stable human community for the birth and nurture of children, and to accomplish all this by bringing the complementary sexes into an enduring whole life union.”
Henri Nouwen states, “… marriage is foremost a vocation. Two people are called together to fulfill a mission that God has given them. Marriage is a spiritual reality. That is to say, a man and a woman come together for life, not just because they experience deep love for each other, but because they believe that God loves each of them with an infinite love and has called them to each other to be living witnesses of that love. To love is to embody God’s infinite love in a faithful communion with another human being.
Marriage is one of our greatest teachers because at its heart marriage surfaces the reality of who we are, what we expect, and how we engage others. No other relationship is as revealing and potentially transformative as the relationship with the one we have committed to permanently and intimately share our lives.
In a HuffPost article, author and speaker, Tyler Ward, concludes that marriage is about personal reformation. He describes, Although happiness is often a very real byproduct of a healthy relationship, marriage is designed to pull dysfunction to the surface of our lives, set it on fire and help us grow. The job of marriage is to refine our dysfunction and spur us into progressive wholeness.
Bottom line: The less you view your spouse as your savior and more as your companion on this journey of life, the more likely you are to pursue your own healing and growth. This will lead to cultivating more realistic expectations for your marriage, ultimately yielding greater stability, peace, and yes, happiness.
What Does the Bible Say about an Unhappy Marriage?
It is important to distinguish between an unhappy marriage and a toxic/destructive marriage. For those who have experienced any kind of unrepentant adultery, abandonment, or repeated physical/emotional/verbal/sexual abuse, this article is NOT for you. In most unhappy marriages the issues are miscommunication, finances, unmet expectations, etc. Abuse of any kind is not acceptable in God’s design for mutual submission as couples grow together in Him.
Regarding marriage, Malachi 2: 15-16 (NIV) says, Has not the one God made you? You belong to him in body and spirit. And what does the one God seek? Godly offspring.So be on your guard, and do not be unfaithful to the wife of your youth. ‘The man who hates and divorces his wife,’ says the Lord, the God of Israel, ‘does violence to the one he should protect,’ says the Lord Almighty. So be on your guard, and do not be unfaithful.
Biblically speaking, spouses don’t have the right to simply dissolve an unhappy marriage. God intended that marriage be for a lifetime.
Ephesians 5 describes marriage as a metaphor for our relationship with God. He is not capricious in His affections toward us, nor does His love depend on favorable circumstances. His relationship with us is solely based on His covenant with us. God wants us to remain faithful to our vows because He knows broken hearts, broken marriages, and broken homes can be redeemed for His ultimate glory.
Does this mean that God wants us to remain in an unhappy marriage? No. What He wants is for each of us to use our pain, our sorrow and disappointment, our loneliness and anger, as an invitation to pursue His healing. He wants us to understand what health looks like in our marriage—healthy expectations, communication, boundaries, and conflict resolution— so that we can experience transformation right where we are, rather than waiting to discover it in a new relationship.
Bottom line: An unhappy marriage should be an indicator that there are things God wants to address in our lives and in our marriages, so that we can pursue healing and wholeness in every area of our lives. God wants us to recognize issues within our marriage as they arise, be willing to address them, and work together towards personal and relational growth. If we do, we will continue growing together allowing us to develop greater connection, strength, and intimacy in our marriage.
1. Are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling increasingly present in your marriage?
2. Do you often feel you have little to say to each other?
3. Do you fantasize about a future without your partner?
4. Do you and your spouse live separate lives?
5. Is there a lack of sex or physical affection in your marriage?
6. Do you often feel disconnected from your mate?
7. Is it easier to focus on everything else but the relationship?
8. Do you talk to your friends more than your spouse?
If you answered yes to one or more of these, chances are high that you are living in an unhappy marriage.
Does God Want You to Stay in an Unhappy Marriage?
Let me be clear, God does not want anyone to stay in an environment where they are not safe —physically or emotionally. Period. Yet too many couples who feel dissatisfied or unhappy in their marriages often miss the blessing God has for them and their children by leaving too quickly or not getting the help they need to adequately resolve their issues.
6 Ways You Can Begin to Reclaim Your Marriage
1. Stop blaming your spouse for your unhappiness. No one is responsible for your happiness but you. If you find yourself experiencing a lack of joy, personal fulfillment, or satisfaction in your marriage, do a personal inventory to assess the greatest areas of dissatisfaction as well as the causes for the dissatisfaction.
2. Pray. Ask God to reveal the areas of your heart that need His healing. Ask Him to show you the things for which you own responsibility. Ask Him to make clear the ways in which He wants you to grow, the things He desires you to learn to become more like Him.
3. Find specific ways you can pursue the healing to which God is calling you. Reach out to a trusted Christian therapist in your area that can help you heal areas of brokenness, cultivate new patterns, new skills, new ways of being that can transform both you and your marriage.
4. Stop looking at your mate as the villain in your life. Begin to see them as your friend. View them as honest, yet broken. Offer compassion to them on their healing journey. Pray for them. Make a list of qualities or behaviors you admire in them.Focus on these. Remind yourself of these attributes throughout the day.
5. Find ways to affirm your spouse. Instead of verbalizing criticism or contempt for what they don’t do, let them know what they do get right. Speak to them your appreciation. Find ways you can bless them —freely, without expectation.
6. Pray over your spouse and your marriage daily. Pray for protection from the enemy. Pray for each of you on your respective journeys. Pray for safety, vulnerability, and skills to work through the issues that are sure to arise in your marriage. Pray for wisdom and humility to reach out for counseling to help you heal and grow together.
Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor. If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.
Blessed are all who fear the Lord, who walk in obedience to him.You will eat the fruit of your labor; blessings and prosperity will be yours.Your wife will be like a fruitful vine within your house; your children will be like olive shoots around your table.Yes, this will be the blessing for the man who fears the Lord.
Prayer for a Happy Marriage
Dear Abba Father, I long to know your healing in every area of my heart and in my marriage. Father, let my unhappiness point me to You, Your healing, Your purpose for my life. Show me areas of brokenness from my past that need to be healed so that I can walk in wholeness and freedom. Show me the expectations that You want me to have for my spouse and my marriage. Help me to learn better ways of communicating and of resolving conflict with my spouse. Reveal to me the ways I have failed my marriage and teach me how to both ask for forgiveness and offer it freely so that I can learn to love my partner well. Rekindle respect, trust, admiration, and love for my spouse and draw us together into a deeper connection and intimacy with You. Help me always keep my expectation on You so that I can glorify you in my heart and in marriage. Amen.
Lisa Murray is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, a Jesus girl, and a recovering perfectionist. Her passion is to encourage and empower individuals—whether in their hearts, their marriages, or their faith—to cultivate healing and wholeness that will awaken a heart of peace. Her book, Peace For A Lifetime, is available on Amazon. She writes weekly at LisaMurrayOnline.com. You can follow her on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and Pinterest.
A third way white lies can spin out of control is by the fact that you are constantly sinning against God when you are telling white lies. Every sin we commit goes against God. We may think a small sin is not aimed at God, yet all sin is aimed at God, and it hurts Him. As white lies begin to spin out of control, we know it can be due to the fact of the individual constantly sinning against God. Lying is not good, and it goes against everything we know in the Bible. We need to be truthful and honest in our dealing with others.
Rationalism has caused us to think our sin is “no big deal,” when in truth, it is the worst thing we can do. Instead of following God’s teaching by repenting and sinning no more, as believers, we continue to sin against God, and we hurt Him in the process. Our white lies can start spinning out of control in this way, and sadly, we can become calloused to the Holy Spirit’s conviction if we continue to sin despite His efforts to stop us. We need to acknowledge this if we are in a state of being untouched by the conviction of the Holy Spirit due to our persistent sin. If we have found we are insensitive to His gentle guidance, then we need to go to God in prayer, ask for forgiveness, and ask for the conviction of the Holy Spirit to return.
Make an effort today to clear up any white lies and to come clean about them. While it might be difficult and hurt others to know the truth, it is better to tell the truth than to let the lie keep going. White lies are not harmless, and the longer you let them remain and add onto them, the worse they will become. Choose to be truthful and honest. Follow God and ask Him to help you obey Him faithfully.
God is faithful and full of grace. If you ask Him for forgiveness, He will forgive you. However, don’t expect others to forgive you when you come clean about any white lies in your life because your lies may have severely hurt that person. Instead, choose to respect their decision and do your best to make it right. Sometimes the only thing you can do to make it right is to confess, apologize, and remain out of their lives. While this can be hurtful, we need to know that we do have to deal with the consequences of our sins.
These two are the epitome of what not to do in a marriage. King Ahab followed his father’s footsteps in doing “evil in the sight of the Lord.” (1 Kings 16:30)
Ahab marries Jezebel, the daughter of Ethbaal, king of the Sidonians.
Ahab and Jezebel worship Baal and build an altar for him. “Ahab did more to provoke the Lord, the God of Israel, to anger than all the kings of Israel who were before him.” (1 Kings 16:33)
Their worshiping of idols confused the people of Israel on who to worship, God or the idols.
Jezebel adds murder to her list of sins by persecuting followers of the Lord and murdering His prophets. Thankfully, Obadiah saved one hundred prophets.
Elijah confronts Ahab, challenging him to abandon the commandments of the Lord, and tells him to meet on Mount Carmel to see whose God is real. The Baal followers build a fire, cut up a bull, and wait for Baal to bring the flames. Of course, no fire comes.
Elijah mocks them, builds an altar with twelve stones, puts a bull on top, adds water, and calls upon the Lord. The Lord responds by sending fire and consuming the burnt offering, the wood, stones, dust, and water. Elijah has the prophets of Baal killed, which doesn’t bode well with Jezebel when she finds out. She threatens to kill Elijah.
Next, you have Naboth’s vineyard situation. Ahab covets (never a good habit) Naboth’s vineyard and tries to buy the land, but Naboth will not sell his father’s land. Ahab comes home sulking because he did not get his way. Jezebel doesn’t like seeing her husband pouting and forges letters on Ahab’s behalf, arranging for Naboth to be murdered.
Ahab and Jezebel break most of the ten commandments. They spend most of their life not worshiping the Lord. Ahab is spared when he humbles himself before the Lord, but disaster still comes upon his house.
In addition to their obvious larger sins, the learning for us today is to support our spouses and attempt to keep them from sinning. We want to encourage them in the Lord’s ways. Jezebel has sneaky, manipulative ways to her actions. We want to be honest and work together with our spouses, preventing each other from sinning.
Do you forget to pray for your marriage? For your spouse? Sometimes we are so caught up in the prayers for our children and family, for church family and friends, for missions and ministries, and even for world conditions, that we take the construct of our closest covenant for granted.
Knowing what to pray can sometimes be a challenge. If communication is good between you and your spouse, you likely have a good idea of what areas they are struggling in, need encouragement in, and so forth. But there’s more to marital prayers than just praying for our spouse. It’s also praying for the marriage itself.
The very essence of marriage at its core is being attacked regularly from various directions. We don’t need to spell out the statistics, but it shouldn’t be surprising that over half of marriages end in divorce. Whether finances, infidelity, differences, or what-have-you play a part, moving apart from each other is a condition no marriage is secure from.
Consider the various areas your marriage can take a hit, and keep in mind that just because it may not have been attacked in that region recently doesn’t mean one isn’t coming. Marriage is meant to be a picture—a reflection—of our relationship with the Lord. So it is logical to conclude that its sanctity will not go unscathed by challenges, temptations, and warfare.
This being said, it’s wise to spend time in prayer for your marriage. Protection over the vows that were spoken. A securing of fortress around the home you have created together.
Here are ten simple but powerful prayers that you can use to bring your marriage before the Lord in offense for battles to come and in defense for battles currently being fought.
“Happy Anniversary!” the family chorused around the dinner table in the elegant dining room of the cruise ship. Gene and I celebrated 40 years of being married. But unlike the calm waters on the cruise, many years in our marriage were rough because of the storms that buffeted our relationship. In fact, many times we came close to the shipwreck of divorce.
But to grant us a little grace, I’ll relate only five of them. We faced them in various seasons of our marriage, in different forms and even when we least expected.
1. We expect our spouse to meet all of our needs.
The first one happened at the very beginning. Dressed in pure white, I took slow steps down the church aisle. A rhythmic melody played on the piano while all eyes were on me. I reached my husband-to-be at the altar and we pronounced our vows. I said, “I do” to the familiar wedding commitment. But in my 23-year-old heart what I really said was “I do… I do expect this man to make me happy, to nurture me, to make me whole, to fill the void in my heart. I do anticipate being the center of his life. And I do expect my life to be happier than when I was single.”
What I didn’t expect was that he too, at 23, had his own expectations. His own needs, desires and hopes. And to my shock, he expected me to fulfill them.
As a result, in our small apartment furnished with a red, brown and orange couch and shag carpeting, conflict visited often. Blame and episodes of animosity marked with harsh words moved in with us.
Only months after that day where folks lifted their champagne glasses toasting to our happiness, we realized neither one of us could provide even a slight resemblance to the storybook “happily ever after.”
Going our separate ways seemed a liberating solution.
2. We fail to prioritize sexual intimacy.
The second temptation to give up came around our seventh anniversary. By then we had three little boys under the age of five. Life had changed. It became more hectic and sleepless nights multiplied with each child. Although they brought deep joy, their care zapped all my energy.
Nights were long with little sleep. Days were short because of my endless tasks. And my heart was empty of fulfillment.
As a result, sexual intimacy was at the bottom of priorities. Gene didn’t seem to understand.
Why couldn’t he see my sacrifice to the family? How could he demand more of me? He should be happy that I manage to care for all the family’s needs. But he wasn’t grateful. He became resentful instead.
3. We forget to communicate.
The third step that could have triggered divorce came when those long, heart-to-heart talks we enjoyed while dating were forgotten. Our hectic days were filled with so many activities that we had no time or energy to connect. We talked but didn’t communicate. We exchanged necessary comments. “When is Joe’s soccer game? Did you remember to pay the car insurance?”
One evening when Gene came home from work and announced there was someone else in his life, I was numb with disbelief. Anger, bitterness and desperation filled my nights. Meanwhile, confusion and frustration filled his.
4. We are poisoned by resentment.
The fourth step that could have taken us to the doorstep of divorce came when financial devastation barged in. After six months of employment in a small company, it went bankrupt. As one of the executives, Gene was personally responsible for the huge debt to the IRS. The amount was so large that we couldn’t pay it in a lifetime. The IRS took our savings and our bank accounts became theirs. The debt and interest kept increasing. And so did my fear. That fear triggered irrational blame. Why couldn’t Gene have seen this coming? How could he have allowed this to happen to us? That blend of fear and resentment became the poison that was killing our marriage.
5. We become separated in tragedy.
The fifth episode that could have taken us closer to divorce came ten years later when our youngest son, 19 at the time, was killed. We both crumbled with grief. The heartache was about to consume us. And the desire to nurture our relationship was drowning in the lake of sorrow. We were told that often tragedies sever a marriage. They often create a wedge that is nearly impossible to mend. And we could see that very outcome drawing closer.
Those are only five episodes that could have taken Gene and me to divorce court.
Still in love…
Then why, after 40 years, are we still in love more than ever? How did we overcome those trials, setbacks and pain?
The answer came when I stopped. I stopped seeking a way out of our mess. And instead, began seeking God first as He says to do in Matthew 6:33. With my face buried in my hands, I cried out my surrender to Him. Then I made God the center of all. I made Him the rock in our marriage. And I made Him the Lord of every aspect of our relationship.
Then the change came. But the first one to change had to be me. Prayer and Scripture rose to the top of my priorities. I invited Gene to do the same. Our transformation came in stages.
First, I admitted my mistake and recognized that no human being, no spouse, or family member can be the one to bring me joy, security or fulfillment. I embraced God’s truth that He and only He could be the one to fill my deepest needs. He said: “I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full” (John 10:10).
When life became overwhelming and days brought more burdens than I could carry. Jesus whispered to come to Him. To receive what He offered. And when exhaustion lay beside me in bed, Jesus said: “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest” (Matthew 11:28).
God smiled at us when we obeyed in our tithing. Even when facing that huge debt, we remained faithful in our trust in Him. And even when funds nearly ran out, we still tithed as God instructed. That’s when His promise to fill our baskets till they overflowed proved true (see Malachi 3:10).
When infidelity stained our marriage, forgiveness became the choice that washed resentment, anger and bitterness away. Gene learned that love “is not self-seeking” (>1 Corinthians 13:5a). And I learned that “love does not keep record of wrongs” (>1 Corinthians 13:5b).
And when the devastation of our son’s death threatened to end our peace and joy, God’s promise in Psalm 34:18 sustained us: “The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”
The mistakes we made, the unrealistic expectations, the trials, and the “me-first” attitudes all served a purpose. All proved our desperate need for Jesus. Each episode showed that when He is invited into the marriage, hope is born. His presence brings security, clearer perception, and wisdom. He and only He grants the grace to forgive. And when He is the center, He turns dark moments to light. He mends bleeding wounds. He eases the heartache, and in a sweet, glorious way, He brings joy back.
Janet Perez Eckles is an inspirational speaker and author of four books, including Simply Salsa: Dancing Without Fear at God’s Fiesta, where she helps thousands walk from the darkest valleys into triumphant, joy-filled lives.
In five years of marriage, my husband and I, combined, have moved six times, changed careers five times, brushed off Valentine’s Day four times, recovered from three surgeries, adopted two terrible dogs, and created one child (a boy on the way!).
We’ve gone through more than most couples in our short time. Josh lost his grandfather to liver cancer, and I lost one of my dearest college friends to suicide. I have been diagnosed with Obessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and Secondary Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. Josh fights early signs of arthritis from his collegiate baseball career. We’ve both lost jobs, lost arguments, and occasionally lost the reason we fell in love. Yet, despite the loss, we have gained so much.
While I’m new to the art of tolerating the opposite sex’s quirks and gross hygiene habits, I’d like to offer 18 short, powerful prayers that became a survival guide for my marriage—and, eventually, a list of reasons to thank God for the blessing of waking up next to the world’s loudest snorer:
Prayers of Protection
1. “Lord, help me not kill this man.”
When I mutter this huffy prayer, I don’t want to mean it because I’d much rather thump him over the head after he has promised, again, that he “did the laundry”… his definition meaning he threw the clothes in the washer, threw them in the dryer, and then threw them in a wrinkled pile on the couch for the dogs to lay on.
But, when I pause and vent to the Lord, letting him know where my emotions are in the moment, it establishes a connection with God that humans rarely tap into. We negate this sanctifying space when we sidestep God’s friendship and choose to allow our present anger to unleash on our husband or become a nasty gossip session with a friend.
Vent to God—first. You won’t regret those five seconds that establish a comical yet peaceful connection with heaven (and grant you the wisdom to reexplain what “doing the laundry” means).
A few less huffy-puffy prayers of protection for your hubs:
2. “God, put Your mighty hands of protection around my husband as he works today.”
Perhaps your husband is a police officer, fireman, lineman, soldier, school teacher, or doctor—you name it—and there’s a reason to fear for their safety. My husband is a pilot, so I must focus on letting God protect him when he’s 36,000 feet in the sky. After all, we can try to be Super Woman all day long, but we can’t be in two places at once, and we can’t save the day.
Let the Savior do the Savior’s things. You give yourself the grace to pray, step back, and allow God to protect your husband.
3. “God, protect my husband from the enemy’s temptations today. Remind him of Your faithfulness and the strength You have supplied for him.”
Culture has caved as a result of broken family units. Sin creeps into cracks and crannies and crumbles the foundation of God’s design for mankind’s unity with Him and one another. Don’t let Satan get away with that. Instead, pray for the protection of your husband’s soul.
4. “Jesus, be with my husband as he travels. Help him navigate today’s itinerary on time and safely.”
I underestimated this prayer until my husband called one snowy Colorado day to tell me a semi-truck had caused a terrible wreck—totaling our car but leaving him unscathed. Let God work through your husband as he drives, flies, and travels anywhere.
5. “God, shield my husband as he does what he loves today.”
We ladies tend to enjoy hobbies that center on the home and/or arts. Outside the occasional staple-gun accident, our side projects usually aren’t as dangerous as the men’s—hunting big, wild animals, luring large, ferocious fish, playing golf with buddies who don’t know how to hold onto the golf club once they’ve swung it, etc.
Ask God to keep your husband safe as he participates in hobbies God designed him to enjoy.
6. “Jesus, please protect my husband from damaging stereotypes.”
One day, Josh and I were running an errand, and a lady our age could’ve used Josh’s manpower. He noticed her need but walked away without batting an eye. A southern belle, I chastised his rudeness. His reply: “What if she takes my attempt to help as being aggressively flirty? Then I’m in trouble when I did nothing but try to help.”
Today’s culture has men at the center of tug-of-war. Some women demand that men drop everything to rescue them, while others create posters explaining why women never needed “misogynistic,” “overly sexualized animals” in the first place.
Pray that God grants your husband the wisdom to be led by Him, not by today’s destructive definition of manhood.
Prayers of Growth
7. “God, please let my husband grow spiritually despite his past.”
We are all sinners who come with baggage, and as we develop our relationship with Christ, we repent of our past sins but often find it difficult to forgive ourselves. This stunts our spiritual growth, allowing Satan’s deceptive weapons of guilt and shame to keep us prisoner.
Pray that God allows your husband to walk free in His forgiveness, creating space for God to instill joy, hope, and a story of renewal that he can share with others.
8. “Jesus, please teach my husband how to grow despite childhood trauma.”
While some of us never experienced heinous physical or sexual abuse, many of us experienced emotional neglect or manipulation. Meanwhile, some of us never received practical resources, questioning why the lights were shut off again or whispering to the teacher that we didn’t have money for school supplies.
Men are taught never to discuss feelings. So whether your husband has opened up about his childhood, pray that God allows him to grow despite what he experienced as a kid. Pray in Jesus’ Name that bitterness and shame have no room in his soul.
9. “Lord, allow my husband to grow and thrive in his career.”
It’s no secret that men are expected to be the breadwinners, the ones who balance a successful career with care. Yet, they, too, struggle with petty bosses, competitive, undercutting coworkers, and work environments that simply aren’t healthy. Pray that your husband grows in wisdom and leadership no matter what career field he’s in.
10. “God, grant my husband the opportunities to grow as a dad.”
Mom guilt is real. I’m only five months pregnant and already feel the weight of overanalyzing every food I consume, hair product I use, or environment I step into for fear I will harm my baby. Meanwhile, dads feel the same pressure, just in a different way.
Pray that God will grant your husband the peace and freedom to open up to you and the kids about areas where he might feel inadequate, and ask God to bless his vulnerability with opportunities to enhance his communication skills or rework his schedule to spend more quality time with the kiddos.
11. “Jesus, let my husband embrace humility and seek to grow by asking questions and finding mentors.”
Hindsight is a blessing—but only if we are willing to share our past experiences to improve the present for someone else walking a similar path. Pray that God gives your husband the humility to know it’s okay to ask questions and ask that God plants the right mentors in the right places for your husband to connect with them and develop under their godly wing.
12. “God, challenge my husband to step outside his comfort zone and grow as a leader and/or mentor.”
Men feel their own pressures, including the pressure to lead and protect their families. But what about leading and guiding other young men? Pray that God grows your husband’s confidence and creates space for him to help others as he has been helped.
Prayers of Love
13. “God, help me remember that love is patient.”
Patience isn’t my spiritual gift, not because the Holy Spirit hasn’t allowed it but because I refuse to cultivate it. Stubborn (and stupid), I know. My patience thins quickly with my husband because he’s always the person who’s there, even if he wasn’t the person or situation that has left me short-fused.
Pray that God will help you remember love is patient, particularly between husband and wife. No party is perfect, so no party should demand impossible expectations. Allow God’s mercy and grace to flow from you to your husband… even when he does the laundry his way.
14. “Jesus, remind my husband that it’s not weak to show love.”
Just as men are hardwired not to show feelings, they are trained never to let love become mushy and gushy. Dressing up for a surprise dinner date or writing poetry for a spouse is now called “being whipped” or “owned” by a woman. But what if we are “owned” by Love Himself? And what if people weren’t afraid to demonstrate love as boldly as Jesus did on the cross?
Pray that God grants your husband the wisdom to embrace bold, sacrificial love, no matter what society thinks.
15. “Lord, allow our family to show my husband how much we love him.”
How often do we demand recognition for doing the dishes and folding the laundry but forget to thank our husband for taking out the trash, cutting the grass, or roughhousing with the children so we have a few moments of peace and quiet? I’m guilty of this. Far too often.
Pray that God grants you and your children the grace to enact gratitude for your husband. He deserves love and recognition too.
16. “God, fill my husband’s gaps of love with Your great Love.”
Whether it was a parent, best friend, or an ex who hurt your spouse, odds are, someone left a gaping hole in your husband’s heart that was meant to be filled with love. These gray areas are hard to navigate, as the man might not know how to express what’s missing.
Pray that God fills the holes of loss, betrayal, or abuse with His Son’s great Love.
17. “Jesus, let my husband fall in love with service.”
If your husband already balances a demanding job and family responsibilities at home, he might not enjoy serving in the community or church. But that’s where some of our greatest blessings live! Pray that God grants him the rest, encouragement, and inspiration to fall in love with serving others.
18. “God, help me love my spouse when I don’t want to love him.”
“I love you, but I don’t like you right now.” That’s the phrase I tell my husband when he’s made me livid, and nothing in me wants to nurture mushy, gushy love. It’s a phrase I spit through gritted teeth, yet it forces me to audibly admit that I not only love my husband, but I vowed to put him above myself. And once you admit that in front of your husband, there’s no turning back. Unless you like to eat crow.
Pray that God allows you the space to love your husband when it’s hard.
My love for Joshua Allen Garland is far deeper than when it began, but I believe it’s only through hardships, gritty prayers, and a determination to “[endure] all things” that we can celebrate five years of a love that has stayed (1 Corinthians 13:7).
Peyton Garland is an author and coffee shop hopper who loves helping others find beauty from ashes despite OCD, burned bridges, and perfectionism. Follow her on Instagram @peytonmgarland and check out her latest book, Tired, Hungry, & Kinda Faithful, Where Exhaustion and Exile Meet God, to discover how your cup can overflow, even in dry seasons.
Let’s face it, men and women are as different as chalk and cheese. What makes you tick as a woman may be the very thing that makes your husband’s skin crawl. It’s likely that your emotional needs may sound bizarre to your spouse and vice versa. Your job then is to seek to understand what floats your spouse’s boat – to learn their love language and speak it fluently.
In his book His Needs, Her Needs Willard F. Harley, Jr. opines that the inability to meet each other’s emotional needs stems from ignorance of the said needs and not a selfish unwillingness to be considerate. This means that unless you have intentionally studied and interrogated your spouse, you are bound to act in a way that irks them without realizing it. As a wife, here are six ways you may be unknowingly hurting your husband.
1. Criticizing and Mothering Him
As a wife, perhaps you relish your role as mother hen down to a T. You bask in the privilege of ruling the roost. But. Do you bundle up your husband alongside your kids as you issue directives? Do you often redirect, criticize, correct, disapprove, and even oppose your husband? Many wives fall into the trap of mothering their husbands. They are always poking holes into their husbands’ opinions and actions and seeking to steer them in a different direction.
This makes their husbands feel belittled, disrespected, and controlled. This may also chip away at their self-esteem, injure trust and make them bitter and angry. Mothering your husband also causes him to get defensive and retract into his shell. This, however, does not mean that you cannot hold a different opinion from your husband. In marriage, conflict and personality differences are guaranteed. But as you air your opinion, do it respectfully and avoid attacking your husband’s character. Avoid sounding like his mother or as if you caught him with his hand in the cookie jar.
2. Giving Him the Silent Treatment
Joe barged into the living room, knackered to the bone, and felt awful that he had run late. His wife was nowhere in sight, so he ran upstairs to their bedroom and found her snuggled up in bed, reading a book. His attempt to greet and strike up a conversation with her hit the skids. She wouldn’t talk to him, leave alone look in his direction. He walked away feeling dejected, wondering what he had done wrong (besides getting home late).
It is not uncommon for wives to give their husbands the silent treatment when they are upset about something. This however is toxic, abusive, and unhealthy for any relationship. It takes two to tango, and it’s unfair to leave your husband groping in the dark, oblivious of their mistakes. Remember your husband is not a mind reader, and unless you communicate effectively, he cannot decode your frustration.
Psychologists say that people who use the silent treatment aim at exerting control over the other party in order to manipulate them. When you give your husband the silent treatment, they feel confused, frustrated, rejected, and hurt. You give them the impression that you don’t care about the health of your marriage, and it is entirely up to them to patch things up (albeit blindly). Giving the silent treatment also means that you are rejecting proper communication without which a marriage cannot thrive.
The scriptures brim over with the admonition for proper communication in relationships. In Amos 3:3, we read that two people cannot walk together unless they are agreed. This means that communication is the backbone of fruitful relationships. Additionally, Paul urged the Ephesian church not to let the sun go down on their anger (Ephesians 4:26). This means that they were to resolve any tiffs and scuffles among themselves swiftly.
Paul also asked believers to pursue peace with all people (Hebrews 12:14). Quite honestly, we are often keen on making amends with everyone else but our spouses. We want to hang on to grudges against our spouses, yet they are the most important people in our lives. If, as a wife, you are fond of giving your husband the silent treatment, choose to heed God’s instructions and embrace communication.
3. Showing Disinterest in Sexual Intimacy
Let’s face it; sex is a big deal to most men. It ranks high among their needs. On the flip side, most women need to feel emotionally connected to their husbands before they can think about intimacy. They need to sense affection and love first. Sex then becomes their way of expressing the deep connection they feel.
If a couple has not learned to cater to each other’s prime needs, there is usually an imbalance where sex is concerned. The wife may often be uninterested in intimacy, whereas the husband may seem desperate for the same. When a husband feels like he is begging his wife for sex, it injures his confidence and self-esteem. Men want to know that they are needed and that their wives view them as good lovers. With the wife showing disinterest, they feel small and incompetent, and this causes them untold pain.
If you feel disinterested in sexual intimacy as a wife, aim to get to the root of the problem. Let your husband know how he can help you rekindle your interest.
4. Comparing Him
“Jane’s husband never misses his kids’ school meetings. I wish you were like him!” Sally blurted out at her husband in a moment of fury. In return, Steve was gutted. He felt worthless and unappreciated. He toiled hard at work daily to ensure his family was sufficiently provided for. “Doesn’t she appreciate my efforts?” he wondered to himself.
Stacking your husband against other people is another sure way of hurting him. Your husband feels rejected and frustrated. Besides, comparing your husband lures you into forgetting their good attributes as you zoom into their weaknesses. This is outrightly unfair as you, too, have weaknesses, and we bet you would not like it if your husband compared you to other ladies.
5. Not Admiring and Appreciating Him
Did you know that most men thrive on admiration, and it means the world to them when it comes from their wives? Honest admiration for your husband will boost his confidence and motivate him to take on the world. Men are competitive and tend to derive their worth from what they do. They, therefore, need to know that their wives notice and admire how they exert themselves for their families. They constantly need a pat on the back.
When you don’t appreciate your husband and applaud his achievements, he feels frustrated and may gradually lose the zeal to put his best foot forward. As such, aim to be your husband’s number one fan and watch him spread his wings further.
6. Nagging Him
So you asked your husband to get the leaky faucet fixed last weekend, and he hasn’t gotten around to it. Do you make it your mission to badger him until he gets it done? Here’s the truth, men all over the globe detest being nagged. Nagging is persistently annoying or finding fault with someone. It happens when the person nagging doesn’t believe the other party has good intentions or is capable of doing a task effectively. It reflects poor communication and impatience by the person nagging.
Women are more likely to nag because they are primarily responsible for running the home. In their quest to rule the roost, they end up trying to control their children and husbands. This, however, is counterproductive as nagging is very repulsive to men. The wise king Solomon noted that it was better to dwell in a corner of a housetop than in a house shared with a contentious woman (Proverbs 21:9).
Nagging your husband makes him want to flee in search of peace. You should instead embrace proper communication and trust that your husband has good intentions. Ditch nagging and communicate with your husband respectfully.
Keren Kanyago is a freelance writer and blogger at Parenting Spring. As a wife and mom, she uses her blog to weigh in on pertinent issues around parenting, marriage, and the Christian Faith. She holds a degree in mass communication with a specialty in print media. Follow her on Facebook and Instagram and/or shoot her an email at kerenkanyago@gmail.com.
As a little girl, I grew up watching Disney princesses and Hallmark movies. From princes and princesses to kings and queens, I quickly built up the idea that when I reached maturity, I would fall in love by accident and live happily ever after. Little did I realize as a child, however, that love rarely happens like in the movies. And there were many things I wish someone would’ve told me about falling in love before I did.
At twenty-one, I remember crying on my floor because I was single. In fact, I cried so much that a water stain was actually visible on my wood flooring. But in that season, before I was ever in a relationship, I truly believe the Lord was preparing my heart and making room for real love to grow.
When I met my now fiance a mere year later, there were three things I learned about love. While it has now been almost five years since we met, each one is still applicable and worth sharing:
While this might seem like a given, one thing that surprised me about love when I first started dating is that love is an action. 1 Corinthians 13 explains to us that love is patient, kind, and forgiving. But it is easy to read that verse and subtract the application from it. Apart from the application, love seems easy. It is a feel-good feeling that we want more of, butterflies and warm fuzzies included. But as the Passion Translation writes, love requires much more serious work and action than we might want to let on:
“Love is large and incredibly patient. Love is gentle and consistently kind to all. It refuses to be jealous when blessing comes to someone else. Love does not brag about one’s achievements nor inflate its own importance. Love does not traffic in shame and disrespect, nor selfishly seek its own honor. Love is not easily irritated or quick to take offense. Love joyfully celebrates honesty and finds no delight in what is wrong. Love is a safe place of shelter, for it never stops believing the best for others. Love never takes failure as defeat, for it never gives up. Love never stops loving. It extends beyond the gift of prophecy, which eventually fades away. It is more enduring than tongues, which will one day fall silent. Love remains long after words of knowledge are forgotten. Our present knowledge and our prophecies are but partial, but when love’s perfection arrives, the partial will fade away” (1 Corinthians 13:4-10).
Despite common misconception, love, by God’s definition, is an action verb, not a passive noun. And if God is Love (noun) (1 John 4:7-21), Love is not only an ever-lasting person but an active pursuit of passion.
Perhaps the greatest demonstration of love was when Love Himself sent His Son to die on the cross for our sins, knowing that we might never love Him back. And we could certainly never repay Him. Real love isn’t concerned with him or herself but with others. And the moment love is isolated to feeling and subtracted from action, it simply isn’t love.
Jesus kept this simple when He said in 1 John 3:18“Dear children, let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth” (1 John 3:18, NIV). And He does so by leading by His example: “This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers and sisters. If anyone has material possessions and sees a brother or sister in need but has no pity on them, how can the love of God be in that person?” (1 John 3:16-17, NIV).
Jesus never asks us to do something that He Himself hasn’t already done or given us. Why would we expect anything less? Why, then, would we not selflessly give love and lavish it upon others?
2. Love Takes Work
Once the honeymoon phase of infatuation wore off, I quickly realized that love is not only an action but takes a lot of work. And especially once Ben and I started to open up and be real with each other, it was evident that our love was going to take patience, persistence, and lots of resilience.
Many of you may roll your eyes at this if you’ve been dating for any period of time, but you and your significant other are going to have disagreements. No matter how great the other person may be, they are not a carbon copy of you! And chances are, that means you will disagree on something eventually.
When this happens, it is important that we remember what Jesus said about disagreements. To be quick to listen and slow to speak, but to also never go to bed angry:
“My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires. Therefore, get rid of all moral filth and the evil that is so prevalent and humbly accept the word planted in you, which can save you” (James 1:19-21, NIV).
He also noted that if you were in the middle of giving an offering to God and remembered that you had an offense with someone, it was more important to seek restitution with that person first. The Message paraphrases it this way:
“This is how I want you to conduct yourself in these matters. If you enter your place of worship and, about to make an offering, you suddenly remember a grudge a friend has against you, abandon your offering, leave immediately, go to this friend and make things right. Then and only then, come back and work things out with God” (Matthew 5:23-24).
Clearly, Scripture reveals to us that love takes work from both parties. It is not always easy to love. But it is always worth it.
3. Love Is Not for Our Mere Satisfaction
Whether we’d like to admit it or not, the act of loving another human being is not for our mere satisfaction. And as harsh as it might sound, marriage, love, and relationships were not solely created to please our inherently selfish pre-dispositions. Romans 3:23 reminds us that all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. This means that when we love, our inherent nature is not always geared towards what we can give others but what we ourselves will receive.
One of the best Scriptures in the Bible that talks about this type of love is ultimately when Jesus died for us (Matthew 27:32-56). Nothing about the death of Jesus was pleasant. And while Jesus trusted God to live in eternity, I cannot fathom the pain He endured as the sins of the world were placed upon His frame. He truly loved not for a love He would receive back but a love He was willing to die to give.
In John 21, beginning in verse 15, Jesus illustrates this love with Simon Peter when he asks him, “Do you love me?” three times, changing agape (sacrificial love) to philio (friendship). Even when Jesus asked Peter for sacrificial love, and all he was willing to give was friendship love, Jesus went to Him. He changed His expectations of love. And He loved Him anyway.
“After they had breakfast, Jesus said to Peter, “Simon, son of Jonah, do you burn with love for me more than these?” Peter answered, “Yes, Lord! You know that I have great affection for you!” “Then take care of my lambs,” Jesus said. Jesus repeated his question the second time, “Simon, son of Jonah, do you burn with love for me?” Peter answered, “Yes, my Lord! You know that I have great affection for you!” “Then take care of my sheep,” Jesus said. Then Jesus asked him again, “Peter, son of Jonah, do you have great affection for me?” Peter was saddened by being asked the third time and said, “My Lord, you know everything. You know that I burn with love for you!” Jesus replied, “Then feed my lambs” (John 21:15-17, TPT)!
Today, it is my prayer that when you love, you will seek to embody all that Love Himself has already given us. It may be an action, take work, and require us to look beyond ourselves, but in doing so, it will exemplify the Love of Christ it was always meant to represent.
Amber Ginter is a young adult writer that currently works as an English teacher in Chillicothe, Ohio, and has a passionate desire to impact the world for Jesus through her love for writing, aesthetics, health/fitness, and ministry. Amber seeks to proclaim her love for Christ and the Gospel through her writing, aesthetic worship arts, and volunteer roles. She is enrolled in the YWW Author Conservatory to become a full-time author and is a featured writer for Crosswalk,ibelieve, Salem Web Network, The Rebelution, Daughter of Delight, Kallos, Anchored Passion, No Small Life, and Darling Magazine. In the past, she’s also contributed to Called Christian Writers, Southern Ohio Today News, Ohio Christian University, and The Circleville Herald. Visit her website atamberginter.com.
Growing up, I had a very close relationship with my grandmother. She lived next door to me, and I often spent many weekends at her home. We would play board games, talk about different life situations or simply sit on the porch together. I often went to her first before I went to my parents with situations and problems in my life. My grandmother was always there with an understanding nod or a hug and helped me navigate through life in a safe environment. Most importantly, she had a deep faith, and she taught me about religion and about God. She took me to church and taught me how to pray. I would not be the person I am today without my grandmother’s influence in my life. Because of her spiritual influence, I am a pastor’s wife and a Christian author. I attribute my spiritual life to my grandmother.
Our grandparents’ relationship with their grandchildren is so essential when it comes to creating well-adjusted kids. I’m forever grateful for my grandmother’s relationship in my life. I wouldn’t be the person I am today without her. A grandparent and grandchild relationship is a very special relationship. Grandparents bond with their grandchildren in ways parents and siblings do not. A child’s life is incredibly enriched when they have a grandparent coming alongside them to help them embrace childhood and eventually become an adult. Grandparents offer grandchildren unique parts of their lives that they don’t get anywhere else.
Here are seven unique things grandparents offer grandchildren in their lives:
1. Traditions
Grandparents offer grandchildren a glimpse into their heritage. Grandparents can make special recipes and tell their grandparents about their ancestors, giving their grandchildren a new understanding of where they came from. They can even teach that child a new language or incorporate new ways of life into their current way of living. Being with a grandparent when they teach about heritage is like a time machine. They can go back hundreds of years and share with them ways they were enriched by their previous generations.
2. Wisdom
Grandparents can look back on their lives and discover the things they wish they had done better and the things they wouldn’t change at all. They can offer these perspectives to their grandchild. Although grandparents may not have been experiencing what a grandchild has experienced, they can navigate the issues and problems they may have as they transition from childhood into adolescence and then into adulthood. Grandparents may not understand the effect social media has on their grandchildren, for example, but they can help them develop a healthy self-concept so they don’t use social media in a negative way. A grandparent may not understand the unique challenges of the school system today, but they can understand what it’s like to get a bad grade and face angry parents. Grandparents offer wisdom to a grandchild in a way a grandchild can understand. They can also ask a grandparent for an extra opinion after they’ve asked their parents. Grandchildren become well-adjusted, well-rounded people and know they can always rely on their grandparents for a wise perspective on their situation.
3. Understanding
Grandparents can become a safe haven for grandchildren. When they are experiencing a rough patch with their parents, grandchildren can stay with their grandparents while the situation resolves itself. Grandparents are rarely the people who will react in a negative way when a grandchild reveals something to them. The best part about being a grandparent is they’re not in charge of the discipline! My grandchild can always look to a grandparent for a hug, a smile, and reassurance everything’s going to be okay.
4. Freedom
Because there’s not as much discipline with a grandparent, kids can feel free to explore their boundaries, test their limits, and become well-adjusted children that can make decisions for themselves. As children near adolescence or adulthood, they would benefit from an experience where they got a chance to spend time with their grandparents away from their parents for an extended time. This will help them learn how to come home on a curfew, consider other people’s feelings, and how to explore the world knowing there is an anchor in their grandparents they can go to in case they need them. The best part about having grandparents is they know they’ll be there for them if they fall. Knowing they have a safety net while they explore their world will be of great benefit to grandchildren.
5. Perspective
Grandparents that enjoy being vulnerable with their children as they age will especially benefit from a close bond that forms between them and their grandchildren. Grandparents who talk about their failures and what they would do differently in life will be so helpful to a grandchild as they grow up. Parents may feel this is not appropriate given the nature of their relationship, but a grandchild who receives this from a grandparent will be able to live their life in a new way because they will be able to explore making decisions but also living with the consequences of their decisions. They understand that their grandparent learned as they dealt with the same experience, and they can make the best choices for their life and learn lifelong lessons from the grandparent.
6. Love
Grandparents love their grandchildren in a different way than parents love their children. Because a parent has birthed them and raised them from infancy, they have a vested interest in making sure the child grows into an independent, well-adjusted individual. Grandparents, however, get to watch from the sidelines. They can love their grandchildren in a different way. They get to be friends with them. They can take them to their favorite store and buy their favorite outfit without little to no consequence while a parent who’s interested in teaching their child the importance of saving a dollar or working to earn what they want may not be able to do that.
7. Support
Grandparents support their grandchildren in a different way. If a grandchild is having difficulty convincing a parent that they want to do a certain thing or that they are grown enough to experience something new, the grandparent can go to bat for the grandchild, expressing all the ways they should let them try it. The parent will respect their own parent and be more apt to listen to them than they would with their child. Because they’ve been through life and are beginning to reflect on the good (and bad) choices they’ve made throughout their lives, they can point those things out as well as what they would do differently. When there’s mutual respect, every person in the relationship benefits. Grandparents love and support their kids in a way parents can’t. Because of that, their child is ever more rewarded and rich because of the relationship.
Having a grandparent’s presence is so important. They understand the world from a different perspective, and grandchildren can learn from someone who has gone through experiences and come out on the other side successful… and, sometimes, not as successful. Vulnerability and open communication create a unique bond for grandparents and their grandchildren, allowing the younger generation to navigate a life that is eternally blessed.
Michelle S. Lazurek is a multi-genre award-winning author, speaker, pastor’s wife, and mother. She is a literary agent for Wordwise Media Services and a certified writing coach. Her new children’s book Who God Wants Me to Be encourages girls to discover God’s plan for their careers. When not working, she enjoys sipping a Starbucks latte, collecting 80s memorabilia, and spending time with her family and her crazy dog. For more info, please visit her website www.michellelazurek.com.
The ultimate way that we love our friends and family who are hard to love, is to forgive.
Like Peter, we know that extending forgiveness is important for a follower of Jesus (Matthew 18:21). Perhaps, like Peter, we think there should be a limit to the number of times that we forgive a person. Yet, Jesus told Peter that our tolerance of others should be limitless.
Jesus explained that because God has forgiven us, we too must forgive other people. If we know God’s forgiveness, then we know that we are to extend forgiveness to those who offend us. “Love,” the Bible tells us, “keeps no record of wrongs” (1 Corinthians 13:5).
Let’s pray as Jesus taught us: “Forgive us our sins, as we have forgiven those who sin against us” (Matthew 6:12).
Heavenly Father,
I must admit there are people in my life who I find hard to forgive. They have hurt me, treated me badly, and abused me. I don’t feel that they deserve forgiveness. But, Lord, I know you are a fair and gracious judge. Give me strength through You Holy Spirit to forgive so that I can be free from judgment myself and be pleasing to You.
Amen.
5. Pray to Express Love by Your Behavior
1 Corinthians lists the expressions of love: “Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance” (1 Corinthians 13:4-7).
To love in these ways seems impossible. But, as these attributes seem to overlap with the fruits of the Spirit in Galatians 5:22, pray for the Holy Spirit to pour love into your heart.
As you say this prayer, replace he/she with the name of someone who comes to mind.
Heavenly Father,
Forgive me for my impatience towards him/her. Help me show patience.
Forgive me for being unkind towards him/her. Give me another opportunity to show kindness.
Forgive me for being jealous towards him/her. Help me to express admiration instead.
Forgive me for being arrogant towards him/her. Give me a spirit of humility.
Forgive me for being rude to him/her. Teach me to be respectful.
Where I have demanded my own way, give me the opportunity to put him/her first.
When I judged him/her, show me how I can give him/her a fresh start.
I ask all these things through the power of Your Holy Spirit and love shown to me through Your Son, Jesus.
Amen.
As we try to follow through on God’s command to love our friends and family members who are hard to love, remember that we do not do this on our own, but through the power of the Holy Spirit given to us through the work of Jesus Christ.
Source Gerald L. Borchert,John 12–21, vol. 25B, The New American Commentary (Nashville: Broadman & Holman Publishers, 2002), 100.
Actress Candace Cameron Bure was recently on the Breakdown podcast with Celebrity Jeopardy host Mayim Bialik. While talking to Bialik, Bure shared that she and her husband still love each other “physically,” “spiritually,” and “mentally” after 26 years of marriage.
Bure, who married former hockey player Valeri Bure in 1996, shared that laughter is one of her “love languages,” and she loves when her husband makes her laugh.
“Laughter is one of my love languages,” she told Bialik, who starred as Amy Farrah Fowler on the CBS sitcom Big Bang Theory.
“I grew up with comedians on the show [Full House]. I’ve been around laughter my whole life. My dad’s a very funny man,” she said. “Like, I love it. So, I need to have laughter in my life, and that does come with a playfulness with my husband, so when he can make me laugh – like, it’s the best.”
According to Fox News, the Full House star also noted that “sex within marriage gets such a bad rap” and stressed that sex within marriage is “to be celebrated” because it is a “gift from God.”
Sex is a “blessing of being married and committed to someone,” Bure said, adding that jokes about longer marriages being sexless are inaccurate in her case.
“I’m not trying to talk about my sex life,” she explained. “But I do think it is important to share what a healthy sex life within marriage can be just in saying like that that’s important.”
“It’s an important part of the relationship that we make time for one another, that we still love each other both physically, you know, spiritually, mentally, all of the things,” Bure continued. “It all comes hand in hand.”
“I’m a happier person, and my husband’s a happier person when we’ve had sex,” she said.
The Bures have three children together: Natasha, 24, Lev, 22 and Maksim, 20.
Bure, who starred in the hit 90s sitcom Full House and its 2016 sequel Fuller House, recently ended a 14-year-stint with Hallmark Channel and has now joined Great American Family. She is slated to star in her first Christmas film under the new network, which will be released in November.
Milton Quintanilla is a freelance writer and content creator. He is a contributing writer for Christian Headlines and the host of the For Your Soul Podcast, a podcast devoted to sound doctrine and biblical truth. He holds a Masters of Divinity from Alliance Theological Seminary.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.Love never fails(1 Corinthians 13:4-8).
Love is mentioned somewhere between 360-550 times in the Bible, depending on which translation you dig into. Friend, that is a lot of love!
Maybe it is mentioned so often because we have a God that is the pure image of love. All throughout His Word, we see His love poured out and lavished upon us.
From the beginning of His creation to His countless promises, unfailing grace and mercy, and even His righteous discipline. God’s love is proven by the attention He gives to every single detail of our lives.
God’s love comes with no strings attached. It is completely unconditional. It’s perfect in every sense. God’s love is the core and heart of the gospel. 1 Corinthians gives us a glimpse into the kind of love God has for us and asks us to share this kind of love with others.
Paul’s first letter to the church of Corinth was to challenge believers to examine their lives against the image of Christ. He especially placed a lot of focus on love — Christ’s love. His mission was to unify the church and bring them together in fellowship.
At the time, the church gatherings were a little chaotic and disorganized. While their mission was to share the good news, they were focused more on being heard and becoming prideful rather than delivering and dispensing their knowledge in love.
So, it is not by accident that this chapter on love is perfectly sandwiched between two passages on spiritual gifts.
Paul was encouraging the church to use their knowledge of Christ and spiritual gifts to spread the love of Christ, but to do so — in love. Basically, saying you can do all the right things, but if you don’t have love, you have nothing (1 Corinthians 13:2-3).
The underlying meaning of 1 Corinthians 13 is that as followers, we are to imitate the love of Jesus by using our gifts while serving and loving others just as He did!
So, how do we do that? That is where the well-known and beloved verse of 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 comes in. If we are called to share the love of Christ, we must first understand how He loved.
Characteristics of Love
While many of the characteristics listed below are self-explanatory, we must view them through the lens of Christ. Also note that these characteristics of love may be easy to say, much harder to actually live out. Let’s discover them together.
1. Love is patient and kind. Patience is not an easy virtue to maintain in our everyday lives. Whether it is an eye roll from my teen or a snarky remark from a neighbor, impatience can quickly set in, leaving a reaction that is short of being kind.
Yet, we are called to be just that. Patient and kind. If we want to share the love of Christ with others, we must do so in a gentle way, with a patient approach.
Preach the word; be prepared in season and out of season; correct, rebuke and encourage — with great patience and careful instruction (2 Timothy 4:2).
2. It does not boast. We see a contrast at this point in the verse. While love is patient and kind, now we hear what it is not. Love is not boastful or self-seeking. Yet, how often do we like to pride ourselves in the good we are doing with selfish intentions?
Unfortunately, selfishness is part of our human nature. We want to be heard, to be liked, and recognized for our good deeds.
However, this verse completely flips that train of thought around. As believers, we are to place ourselves aside and magnify the needs of others.
Not only that, but we are to boast only in our Lord, recognizing that He is the One that is using every circumstance for good.
This is why our testimonies are vital, as we get to share how God is so good and faithful.
Not only so, but wealso glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance;perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us(Romans 5:3-5).
3. It keeps no record of wrongs. The infamous scoreboard between two passionate people is nothing new. We see how the disciples doubted, denied, and betrayed Jesus, comparing their love for Him against one another.
Yet while Jesus may have been hurt by these actions, he forgave them and never spoke of it again. He never kept score.
We are called to do the same. Freely forgive and then…let it go. As followers of Christ, we should heed Jesus’ example. When the scoreboard wants to come out, we must take our hurt to our Father and let Him cleanse our hearts first while seeking His wisdom and guidance.
But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be children of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked (Luke 6:35).
4. It is a truth seeker.Love seeks out the truth. The real Truth. As we are bombarded with countless views, logic, and data by our culture and society today, we can ingest multiple mixed messages and grow confused about what is actually true. It’s quite possible that we need Truth now more than ever!
The Truth we find in His Word is solid and stands firm. We can find the evidence that God’s Holy Word is based on Truth, and the heart of it is love by holding on to these facts:
With all the various writers of the 66 books in the Bible, they all share one message: there is one true God, and He sent His Son, Jesus Christ, to redeem this lost and fallen world.
We see can see the handiwork of a Creator all around us.
Prophecies that were foretold came to be.
Those that earnestly seek God through prayer and praise live with unexplainable peace.
We are offered hope of a life after this one.
But he continued, ‘You are from below; I am from above. You are of this world; I am not of this world (John 8:23).
Why Is it so Popular?
And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love (1 Corinthians 13:13).
The entirety of 1 Corinthians 13 is widely popular because the whole book revolves around love. The greatest gift we can ever give and receive. The gift that God gave us through His Son, declaring His indescribable love for us.
We were created with love and in the image of love. We are called to use our spiritual gifts to love and share God’s love with others.
Love is the intriguing word that never fails (1 Corinthians 13:8). Love is the powerful word that defeats all odds and gives us hope. Love is to be fully known and fully loved (1 Corinthians 13:12). Love is the heart of God’s Word.
Alicia Searl is a devotional author, blogger, and speaker that is passionate about pouring out her heart and pointing ladies of all ages back to Jesus. She has an education background and master’s in literacy. Her favorite people call her Mom, which is why much of her time is spent cheering them on at a softball game or dance class. She is married to her heartthrob (a tall, spiky-haired blond) who can whip up a mean latte. She sips that goodness while writing her heart on a page while her puppy licks her feet. Visit her website at aliciasearl.com and connect with her on Instagram and Facebook.
When two people marry, they take vows to love, honor, and cherish each other. When they buy a house, those same vows apply. Although they don’t re-recite those vows in front of friends and family, they still commit to honor themselves and their relationship by being good stewards of what God has given them. We often think of worshipping God in large, generous acts. But sometimes, it’s the small acts of service to our partner that also demonstrate our love for God. Colossians 3:23 says, “Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters.”
However, when stressful situations arise, it is easy to drop the ball on simple household tasks. If one partner tends to take the lead on completing household chores, it’s easy for the other partner to sit back and watch them do it. However, this is an act of laziness and not maintaining the possessions God has given them. Most people dislike doing household chores, but they are a necessary part of life. They aren’t only one person’s responsibility, but the other spouse’s as well.
Here are six reasons a couple should share household responsibilities:
1. There Are Not Gender-specific Chores
Gone are the days when women stayed in the kitchen and cared for the kids while the husband did outside chores and brought home the main paycheck. In today’s society, both men and women work to bring home a paycheck as well as raise their children. Therefore, if both are working and equally distribute every other aspect of their lives, it’s only fair that they equally distribute their chores. This not only helps both parties complete their tasks with ease but also promotes equality; each party has an equal share in labor. There’s no reason a woman can’t take out the trash and a man can’t do a load of dishes. If everyone works together in an equal distribution of labor, the chores get done, and there’s more time to spend with the people you love.
2. It’s a Way to Honor the Relationship
In the marriage vows, you committed yourselves to love, honor, and cherish each other within the relationship. One way to honor each other is to do the household chores. When one partner has a stressful week, it is comforting to know that the other partner has taken care of cooking the meals, doing the dishes, and cleaning the bathrooms. Although these may seem insignificant, the small acts may add up to significant acts of honor within your relationship. When you go the extra mile and do chores, especially without being asked or doing the other person’s chores, it demonstrates you put your relationship above your pride.
Doing more than what is expected shows you honor your spouse and put them first above anything else. Matthew 5:38-42 says, “You have heard that it was said, ‘Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.’ But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also. And if anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, hand over your coat as well. If anyone forces you to go one mile, go with them two miles. Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you.”
3. It’s an Act of Service
Dr. Gary Chapman, in the book The Five Love Languages, explains that each person gives and receives love differently. There are five ways people give and receive love: quality time, acts of service, physical touch, gifts, and words of affirmation. By doing what is expected, you demonstrate to your partner that you value your relationship. When you go above and beyond, it demonstrates an act of service that communicates great love to them. Even if they don’t reciprocate by telling them how much they appreciated you, continuous little acts like this will demonstrate how much you love them.
4. No One Person Is Responsible for All the Mess
When one partner leaves the other to do all the chores, it communicates that it’s their job. Even if the partner states they’re helping out around the house, it implies that it’s the other person’s job and that you are lowering yourself to help them in a time of need. But no one person is responsible for all the mess. While it sounds nice to have each person clean up after themselves, it is best to simply humble yourself and clean up on behalf of yourself and the other partner. This is a way to give 100 percent of yourself to your relationship.
5. It’s an Act of Worship
As Christians, we demonstrate our worship for God through regular church attendance, reading the Word, and prayer. But have you ever considered that doing chores is an act of worship? When you complete household tasks, you are being a good steward of what God has given you. Whether you rent an apartment or own a home, it demonstrates that you appreciate what God has given you. Everything is the Lord’s, yet he is kind enough to provide the essentials and meet our every need. By keeping things clean, we demonstrate that we honor God and our possessions. When we do our best to maintain them and keep them in optimal shape, we actively thank God for his gifts. This not only means maintaining regular weekly chores but also keeping up with household repairs and completing home improvements as necessary. When we keep our home clean, we not only honor our relationship, but we also honor God in the process.
6. It Sets an Example
By doing household chores, it demonstrates to the other partner that you love and care for them. If the couple has children, this is even more important. Children live what they learn. If they see parents equally doing chores, it teaches them that there are not certain roles for each partner. Kids should be taught from a young age the concept of stewardship by completing household tasks as well. Brainstorm age-appropriate chores for your child to practice each week with the family. This helps them understand they need to care for the gifts God has given them. It also teaches them not to take things for granted and to develop healthy habits for cleanliness, hygiene, and self-respect. We need to be examples in every area of our lives, and this includes household chores. It may seem small or insignificant, but when the children become adults, they understand that to be a part of a household, the house needs to be maintained. This understanding will be an incredible benefit to their future spouse and children.
Household chores are not fun to complete but are a necessary part of life. They may be daunting to maintain, but each partner can sit back and enjoy the beauty of their home when they are done. When you view completing household chores as an act of worship, it also sets the example for the next generation to be hard workers and take responsibility for the things they must maintain to have a healthy, well-rounded life.
Michelle S. Lazurek is a multi-genre award-winning author, speaker, pastor’s wife, and mother. She is a literary agent for Wordwise Media Services and a certified writing coach. Her new children’s book Who God Wants Me to Be encourages girls to discover God’s plan for their careers. When not working, she enjoys sipping a Starbucks latte, collecting 80s memorabilia, and spending time with her family and her crazy dog. For more info, please visit her website www.michellelazurek.com.
As we celebrate Valentine’s Day this month, love—or the idea of love—seems to reside at the forefront of our hearts in a prominent way. But what is real love? What is ‘convenient love’ (selfish lust)? And what is blended ‘love’ (abuse)?
This is what we know to be true about love:
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” 1 Corinthians 13:4-8
What Love Isn’t
Despite what culture tells us today, real love isn’t lust; it isn’t shallow feelings or selfish desires. In fact, real love isn’t selfish at all. It certainly isn’t abusive, thieving, or defiling in any way.
Currently, there are millions of oppressed, trafficked individuals (adults and children) being sexually exploited—many of them by their own family members—under the guise of ‘love.’ Not only is their innocence stolen from them, leaving them sullied and broken—but they are also left confused, believing they are put in this position because of ‘loyalty’ and ‘love.’
Others are groomed by “lover boy” personas who prey on young people looking for love. They’ll flatter and shower gifts on their prey, making commitments to care for them in a way no one else ever can. The naïve fall victim to these lies and soon find themselves trapped with no escape, the lover turned abuser and trafficker.
This isn’t love. This is utterly evil and disgusting, destroying their very identities.
-Sex Trafficking is a $99 billion dollar industry.
–Anywhere from 24 million-40 million people around the world are victimized by human trafficking at any given time.
–2 million children are taken and introduced into sex trafficking each year.
–91% of childhood sexual abuse victims report knowing their abuser.
–65% of traffickers are the mothers of victims; 32% are the fathers of victims.
–Many survivors report sexual abuse beginning between 3-4 years old.
–50% of human trafficking victims have been involved with child welfare systems or juvenile justice systems.
–80% of girls involved in human trafficking had been in the child welfare system in the past.
–The average age of children running away from home and entering into sex trafficking is 12-14 years old.
–Within 48 hours of running away, 1 out of 3 children are solicited for sex.
–Victims can be sold anywhere from 15-40 times every 24 hours.
But Jesus.
Though these numbers are overwhelmingly heartbreaking, we are left with hope. There is only One way and One power to save all people and redeem all situations.
“You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.” Genesis 50:20
Real Love
“Defend the cause of the weak and fatherless; uphold the rights of the afflicted and oppressed.” Psalm 82:3
Real love is loving others God’s way. It is fighting for those who cannot fight for themselves. We must stand up for these souls, taking the time to pray for those who are trafficked, defiled by their own family members, used for their bodies, or groomed down a pathway to settle for so much less. Real love is empowering others, valuing them higher than ourselves, advocating for the abused and oppressed, and sharing the Truth with everyone—offering true life, freedom, and joy.
“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves.” Philippians 2:3
If you want to see the story of Real love, read about the sacrifice Jesus made. He laid it all down and gave up His life so that we could have ours. He went low so that we could go high. That’s real love.
“But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Romans 5:8
We must advocate for those who, in seeking love, ended up in abuse. We must help them hold onto the hope that one day they might know their true worth. Jesus is the only One who can truly set everyone free in the way they are designed. It is our job to fight for them, advocating on their behalf, seeing their value, and praying that deception is lifted and everyone sees their true value. And that all will walk in the freedom, the power, and the destiny in which they were knitted together in their mother’s womb. Jesus does hear the cries of these people, cares for them deeply and desires for them to know His heart. He is love—real love—and he will show the way.
“The Lord says, ‘I have seen violence done to the helpless. I have heard the groans of the oppressed. I will rise up to rescue them.’” Psalm 12:5
Not only must we advocate, but where possible, we must educate, so our young people won’t fall victim to the lies of the enemy. Our organization, The Foundation United, provides Speak UP curriculum for schools, REAL TALK for churches, and “The Cool Aunt Series” with Rachel Thomas for families to use at home. It will take all of us working together to protect our children’s future and help them understand what real love is.
And if you find yourself alone this Valentine’s Day, be at peace. It is far better to be alone and wait for true love than to settle for something less than, and even worse, something masquerading as love. Hold out for someone who will value you as worthy beyond price – this is the ultimate model, and God has shown us the way.
“This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers and sisters.” 1 John 3:16
Elizabeth Melendez Fisher Good is the founder and CEO ofThe Foundation United, a catalytic platform to end sexual exploitation and trafficking through systemic change. Fisher Good is a passionate pioneer and inspirational thought leader with a desire to expose the root issue behind sex trafficking — childhood sexual abuse. Her book “Groomed” (HarperCollins, 2020) recounts her own story of loss, abuse, and triumph. Statistics and resources quoted above can be accessed at https://www.thefoundationunited.com/statsandresources.
The researchers gathered health records from 724 participants from all over the world and asked detailed questions about their lives at two-year intervals.
Contrary to what you might think, it’s not career achievement, money, exercise, or a healthy diet. The most consistent finding we’ve learned through 85 years of study is: Positive relationships keep us happier, healthier, and help us live longer. Period.
Relationships affect us physically. Ever notice the invigoration you feel when you believe someone has really understood you during a good conversation? Or a lack of sleep during a period of romantic strife?
To make sure your relationships are healthy and balanced, it’s important to practice “social fitness.”
We tend to think that once we establish friendships and intimate relationships, they will take care of themselves. But our social life is a living system, and it needs exercise.
Marloes De Vries for CNBC Make It
Social fitness requires taking stock of our relationships, and being honest with ourselves about where we’re devoting our time and whether we are tending to the connections that help us thrive.
Humans are social creatures. Each of us as individuals cannot provide everything we need for ourselves. We need others to interact with and to help us.
In our relational lives, there are seven keystones of support:
Safety and security: Who would you call if you woke up scared in the middle of the night? Who would you turn to in a moment of crisis?
Learning and growth: Who encourages you to try new things, to take chances, to pursue your life’s goals?
Emotional closeness and confiding: Who knows everything (or most things) about you? Who can you call on when you’re feeling low and be honest with about how you’re feeling?
Identity affirmation and shared experience: Is there someone in your life who has shared many experiences with you and who helps you strengthen your sense of who you are?
Romantic intimacy: Do you feel satisfied with the amount of romantic intimacy in your life?
Help (both informational and practical): Who do you turn to if you need some expertise or help solving a practical problem (e.g., planting a tree, fixing your WiFi connection).
Fun and relaxation: Who makes you laugh? Who do you call to see a movie or go on a road trip with who makes you feel connected and at ease?
Below you’ll find a table arranged around the seven keystones. The first column is for the relationships you think have the greatest impact on you.
Place a plus (+) symbol in the appropriate columns if a relationship seems to add to that type of support in your life, and a minus (-) symbol if a relationship lacks that type of support.
Remember, it’s okay if not all — or even most — relationships offer you all these types of support.
Think of this exercise like an X-ray — a tool that helps you see below the surface of your social universe. Not all of these types of support will feel important to you, but consider which of them do, and ask yourself if you’re getting enough support in those areas.
Looking at the gaps on the chart, you might realize that you have plenty of people you have fun with, but no one to confide in. Or maybe you only have one person you go to for help, or that a person you take for granted actually makes you feel safe and secure.
Don’t be afraid to reach out to the people in your life. Whether it’s a thoughtful question or a moment of devoted attention, it’s never too late to deepen the connections that matter to you.
Feb. 10, 2023 – Cancer is not just a devastating personal diagnosis. It reaches beyond, into everyday relationships with complex social rules and even its own vocabulary. It’s a disease that has touched just about everyone in some shape or form and still, few people want to think about it, let alone talk about it.
There’s no “one size fits all” strategy that addresses when to tell someone that you have or had cancer, how to tell them, and who to tell. Best practices for disclosure in dating and intimate relationships, in the workplace, or even with friends can vary by cancer type, age, or context. But regardless of who you ask – psychologists, career experts, or patients themselves – one common thread exists: It’s personal.
Relationships, Timing, and Vulnerability
Discussing one’s cancer can be difficult, especially when it comes to relationships and dating. The American Cancer Society points to challenges like feeling unattractive because one’s appearance has changed, problems with sexual function (e.g., vaginal dryness, inability to sustain an erection, or fertility issues), fear of being naked in front of someone else, and questions around finding someone who has an interest in dating someone who has or has had cancer.
“When it comes to dating someone for the first time, the question of whether or not to discuss one’s cancer status depends on [if] you think that it’s a friendship that is going somewhere, a relationship that has potential for growth,” explains Anita Astley, a licensed marriage and family therapist and author of Unf*ck Your Life and Relationships.
Samantha Cummis, a 53 year-old breast cancer survivor with BRCA mutations, says she “typically would not tell somebody right away, unless it comes up, like people are talking about their family and [mention] ‘my sister had cancer,’ and then I wouldn’t hold back. Or if someone asks, “why don’t you have children,” I might bring it up then.” (As part of her treatment, Cummis had her ovaries removed.) Cummis believes that holding back for too long, especially if the relationship is going strong after the first few dates, might raise issues about trust.
But she also emphasizes that context is essential. A person with stage IV lung cancer who is a 10-year survivor might have a different take on dating than she as a 15-year survivor with scars that she says are sexual in nature.
“I have to tell someone I’m with before I take my shirt off,” she says.
Patty Moran, PhD, a clinical psychologist at the University of California-San Francisco’s Helen Diller Family Comprehensive Cancer Center, says “keeping it a secret is a real burden. If somebody is going to have a bad reaction or not going to be accepting or supportive, there comes a point where it’s better to know than not; you don’t want to move on with a relationship and then find out months and months down the road that somebody is going to have a bad reaction.”
Fortunately, research suggests that fears about how someone responds to the information do not always equate to reality. Findings from a study examining people’s interest in dating a cancer survivor show that single and divorced people are as likely to be interested in a date with a cancer survivor as someone without a cancer history, unless they are still in active treatment. In these cases, widowed people expressed little interest in dating a survivor, mostly because they had already experienced the loss of a loved one. This is where age comes into play.
“If you’re in your late 20s or 30s, you can go – you know, four or five dates,” she says. I think that when you are older, maybe on the first or second date; if that person is not going to be able to deal with it, then there’s no point in pursuing other dates with them,” says Astley.
Thirty-seven-year-old Steve Rubin’s experience is altogether different from Cummis. Diagnosed with a rare bone cancer (osteosarcoma) at age 30, Rubin says that it came at a time when his career was soaring and he was engaged to be married.
Despite a postponed wedding and several recurrences since, Rubin often counts his blessings.
“I got very lucky that my wife was just rock solid and fortunately we have had years and years to build a really solid foundation. But if you don’t have that solid foundation, then I think you do the best you can,” he says.
It’s important to avoid underestimating the magnitude of a cancer diagnosis. “It’s a huge thing; the person has to be on board for it. If they’re the type of person who’s meant to be with you, then that’s amazing,” says Rubin. “And if they’re not, then focus on your health first, on your personal development next, and put it into developing the type of life that somebody wants to join – not out of pity – but because you’ve focused on making yourself a good person.”
Having a game plan for how you might respond to a person’s reaction(s) can also be helpful.
“I’ve had to learn to leave space for people to process the weight of my story,” says Rubin, something that his wife has helped him with.
Navigating Work and Careers
Many of the considerations around dating also apply to the workplace.
Rebecca Nellis, executive director of the nonprofit Cancers and Careers, says that where and when you disclose is a choice. “It may change over time, in the evolution of how you see yourself, how your treatment is going, what you need, how your workplace is reacting to what you have or haven’t shared.” This is especially true for online spaces.
“The way that people disclose online has an impact on relationships and dating, as well as on the employment space,” Nellis emphasizes, noting that it’s important to consider whether you’d be comfortable with a current or future colleague knowing your story. “If it was on the front page of your favorite news site, would you be OK?”
Finally, to avoid any potential landmines:
Be strategic. Locate any materials that might have been provided in the initial days of being hired, e.g., policies and procedures or employee handbooks. Discuss physical or mental limitations with your health care team and check out company policies for health leave and absences. It’s also important to check out the Americans with Disabilities Act, which provides a federal safety net for people with disabilities.
Decide who you are going to tell. Nellis says that people often disclose to their managers versus an HR person. On one hand, it makes sense; this is the person who is closest to their day-to-day work and assigning deadlines and projects. On the other, HR people typically go through some sort of training and are much closer to company policy. It’s helpful to consider if the manager will know what to do or if they can be a helpful ally and advocate in going to HR. When it comes to colleagues, the same rings true; you may decide to share some information with certain people or only a few. It often depends on cancer type and comfort levels. An important rule of thumb is to assess how colleagues have been treated in complicated situations at work.
Don’t forget that everyone’s different. While some people can’t imagine disclosing, others share a lot of information. Like relationships, the workplace can be another setting to derive support and feel more like yourself.
“Disclosure is a packet, not necessarily a one-time thing,” says Moran. Regardless of the environment or context, “you can disclose a lot or a little right from the start. Just be compassionate with yourself about how hard interpersonal communication is. If you stumble, it’s OK, just trust yourself.”
In life, we are born into a certain family. Our relatives are people we cannot choose; they are chosen for us. But as we grow from babies into adults, we can choose our friends. These are the people with whom we choose to spend our time. As with any relationship, opposites attract. We may find we choose people who have the opposite personalities to us. This might be great initially, but when conflict arises, we may have friends who choose an abrasive or harsh approach to their communication. They may choose to control how we view certain situations, how we view them, or how we view the world around us. If this happens too often, we may become resentful because this relationship does not allow us to be who we truly are but rather who our friends want us to be. This can cause us to be placed in a sticky situation. What can we do to set firm boundaries but remain in a relationship with our controlling friends?
Here are five ways to respond to abrasive or controlling friends:
1. Love Them
Jesus’s first response in every situation is love (whether that be gentle or tough love). He wants us to love others as much as we love ourselves. Just as we want to be accepted for who we are, we must accept that our friends choose to approach life in a very different way than we do. Acceptance is one of the keys to the success of a long-term relationship. Having said this, Jesus loves us enough not to let us remain stuck in our sinful patterns of behavior but rather transform us into Christ-like characters.
We won’t be good friends if we don’t point out if a friend is constantly losing relationships or in constant conflict due to their abrasive approach. Scripture says, “speak the truth and love so that they may grow…” (Ephesians 4:15). Speaking the truth to others is so important to a person’s spiritual growth. In this verse, truth and love are inextricably linked. When we speak the truth to others, we are loving them. It is not loving merely to sit in silence or sweep the issue under the rug. God will point out to us when the right time is for us to confront our friends in love and talk to them about the way they treat others. If they choose to change because of our confrontation, we have helped further the Kingdom. If, however, they choose not to be in a relationship with us anymore, we must grieve the loss but ultimately know that we did the right thing by helping point out their weaknesses and flaws so they become better people.
2. Be the Example
For us to be light to the world around us, we must be the example of Christ. This means we must exude the traits of the Holy Spirit in every relationship we have, including our friends. When our friends choose to be harsh or abrasive, we can choose to respond in gentleness and with goodness. We can go the extra mile and demonstrate Christlike love by not retaliating or arguing with them. We are called to be examples of Christ to the world. This starts with the people with whom we are the closest. If, after a prolonged period of time, you find your friends are not changing their approach because of who you are, it may be time to sit down and have a hard (yet necessary) conversation.
3. Change Your Communication
If a friend is constantly controlling your other relationships or your worldview, try changing the way you communicate. Your friends might be abrasive and controlling because you are, and they’re merely reacting to what they’re hearing. Avoid using the word “you” in your conversations with them. Replace the word “you” with the word “I’ and use “I” statements rather than “you” statements. In conflict, choose to express your emotions by using the phrase “I feel…” rather than attacking or blaming. Sometimes people have unprocessed pain, wounds, or issues that they have not addressed completely, and they are taking it out on you because they are in close proximity to you. Because they choose to treat you in this manner does not mean you have to take responsibility. Respond by telling them how you feel when they treat you this way. Give suggestions on how you’d rather be treated instead. Don’t leave the situation open-ended, where the friend is confused as to how to change his or her behavior. With some coaxing, you may find they may change their communication simply by watching you change yours.
4. Call Them Out
If your friend lacks emotional maturity, it may be best to simply call them out. Sometimes people are unaware of their sins and need someone to point them out. Nathan, the prophet, took a great risk in pointing out David’s sin. David was so unaware of what he was doing (committing adultery with Bathsheba and murdering her husband), that it wasn’t until Nathan pointed it out that he could repent and turn from his ways. “David burned with anger against the man and said to Nathan, “As surely as the Lord lives, the man who did this must die! He must pay for that lamb four times over, because he did such a thing and had no pity.” Then Nathan said to David, “You are the man!” (2 Samuel 12:5-6). If no one in their lives is telling them they are too controlling or harsh, it may be your job to do so. By loving yourself and not allowing that behavior to affect you, you may be doing your friends and, ultimately, yourself a great benefit.
5. Set Firm Boundaries
The book Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and John Townsend is a great resource for people in toxic relationships. By setting firm boundaries, you are still allowing growth in your relationship while sustaining it. To set boundaries does not mean you must terminate the relationship, although you may have to in some circumstances. If setting boundaries is your next course of action, you may need to use “you” statements by telling them you will no longer tolerate their behavior. You can also let them know what will happen in the future if they continue to cross this boundary. You must be willing to separate yourself from this individual or sometimes terminate the relationship if it’s what’s best for you. Although it is important to love others more than yourself, Jesus never told us to endure abuse or control. Sometimes letting go of a bad relationship so you can experience emotional and mental wellness is the best example of Jesus you can demonstrate.
Like any relationship, a friendship can be a difficult one to navigate. Even if you have been friends with someone for a long time, it does not give them the right to treat you any way they choose. By setting firm boundaries, using “I’ statements, and being an example of Jesus, you may have to have hard conversations with your friends. But in doing so, you may end up with an enriching and rewarding friendship in the end.
Michelle S. Lazurek is a multi-genre award-winning author, speaker, pastor’s wife, and mother. She is a literary agent for Wordwise Media Services and a certified writing coach. Her new children’s book Who God Wants Me to Be encourages girls to discover God’s plan for their careers. When not working, she enjoys sipping a Starbucks latte, collecting 80s memorabilia, and spending time with her family and her crazy dog. For more info, please visit her website www.michellelazurek.com.
During my college years, I was one of the most involved students on campus. From working in the Writing Center to being a reporter for the school, and local city, my work life was busy. However, so was my personal life. I led the Dance Team, helped with two to three worship teams at a time, invested in running and working out, had field experience for teaching, and was eventually student-teaching. I somehow managed to snatch my first boyfriend, too!
On the outside, I was thriving. Everyone saw me as happy-go-lucky. Joy exuded from my presence, and I loved life. I was happy, carefree, and passionate. But over time, I grew weary. And my Grandma was someone who saw this first.
“You need to take a break, Amber.” Her soft lips spoke what I didn’t want to hear.
“I think you are over-extending yourself, and [you’re] too busy. You need some time for yourself. I’m afraid you’re going to eventually burn yourself out.” Her words muffled over my ignorance to listen.
I was set in my ways.
I was also in denial.
The Error in Ignorance
At the time, I truly did not believe her. I was busy and stressed, but I loved it. That’s just who I was. But looking back now, I am ashamed to admit that she was right, and I wish I would have listened to her sooner.
Today, I am a twenty-seven-year-old girl who feels like she’s surviving rather than thriving. I have been diagnosed with nearly half a dozen mental and physical health conditions, and I can’t help but think if I would’ve listened to the wisdom of my Grandma when I had the chance, my life would look much different.
In Exodus 18, I believe that Moses’ interactions with his father-in-law, Jethro, teach us a similar lesson:
The Fruit in Obedience
After leading the Israelites through the Red Sea and freeing them from Pharaoh’s wrath, Moses is called to be the leader of these people. And Jethro, his Father-In-Law, saw this:
“Now Jethro, the priest of Midian and father-in-law of Moses, heard of everything God had done for Moses and for his people Israel, and how the Lord had brought Israel out of Egypt. After Moses had sent away his wife Zipporah, his father-in-law Jethro received her and her two sons. One son was named Gershom, for Moses said, “I have become a foreigner in a foreign land”; and the other was named Eliezer, for he said, “My father’s God was my helper; he saved me from the sword of Pharaoh.” Jethro, Moses’ father-in-law, together with Moses’ sons and wife, came to him in the wilderness, where he was camped near the mountain of God. Jethro had sent word to him, “I, your father-in-law Jethro, am coming to you with your wife and her two sons” (Exodus 18:1-6, New International Version).
But upon his arrival, Jethro becomes concerned.
Moses is certainly leading the people. But he’s also the only one handling their additional affairs. And to me, that sounds a bit exhausting, and a bit like teaching or running on empty 365 days a year.
“The next day Moses took his seat to serve as judge for the people, and they stood around him from morning till evening. When his father-in-law saw all that Moses was doing for the people, he said, “What is this you are doing for the people? Why do you alone sit as judge, while all these people stand around you from morning till evening?” Moses answered him, “Because the people come to me to seek God’s will. Whenever they have a dispute, it is brought to me, and I decide between the parties and inform them of God’s decrees and instructions” (Exodus 18:13-16, New International Version).
In my mind, I picture many of the conversations:
The Weight in Responsibility
“Moses, Bob’s cow stepped on my sheep, and now both have injuries. What do we do?”
“Moses, Sara ate my extra portion of food. How is that fair?”
“Moses, my family sinned today. How many offerings and sacrifices do we need to bring?”
“Moses..” the list grows on as his mind grows fuzzy. And in an odd sense, I can relate to this moment.
“Amber, did you write that article?” my boss would question.
“Amber, we need you to work another shift.” the Writing Center would request.
“Amber, our dances need some extra practice.” the dance team would note.
“Amber, we need you at three additional teacher meetings after school.” the state would require.
And just as Moses began to push on, so did I. But like my Grandma, Moses’ Father-In-Law grew concerned.
“Moses’ father-in-law replied, “What you are doing is not good. 18 You and these people who come to you will only wear yourselves out. The work is too heavy for you; you cannot handle it alone. 19 Listen now to me and I will give you some advice, and may God be with you. You must be the people’s representative before God and bring their disputes to him. Teach them his decrees and instructions, and show them the way they are to live and how they are to behave. But select capable men from all the people—men who fear God, trustworthy men who hate dishonest gain—and appoint them as officials over thousands, hundreds, fifties and tens. Have them serve as judges for the people at all times, but have them bring every difficult case to you; the simple cases they can decide themselves. That will make your load lighter, because they will share it with you. If you do this and God so commands, you will be able to stand the strain, and all these people will go home satisfied” (Exodus 18:17-23, New International Version).
The Gift of Wisdom
At that moment, Moses had a choice: to listen to Jethro or to ignore his advice. And I believe there is a reason the Scriptures talk about learning wisdom from our elders. That there is victory in gray hair and learning from our experiences.
Perhaps that is why verse 24 reads as follows:
“Moses listened to his father-in-law and did everything he said” (Exodus 18:24, New International Version).
Not only did Moses learn from Jethro and take his advice, but he was better off in doing so.
“He chose capable men from all Israel and made them leaders of the people, officials over thousands, hundreds, fifties and tens. They served as judges for the people at all times. The difficult cases they brought to Moses, but the simple ones they decided themselves. Then Moses sent his father-in-law on his way, and Jethro returned to his own country” (Exodus 18:25-27, New International Version).
The intent of many elders’ advice is not to offend or provoke; it is to bring peace and help from years of wisdom. While many may grow opinionated at times, or give outlandish and outdated advice, most seek out our best interests at heart. Moses knew this with Jethro, and I knew this with my Grandma. But unlike Moses, I chose to be stubborn and go my own way. I would give anything to go back and listen to her advice.
Be Open to the Gift
In life, God may call us to great and magnificent things. Things far greater, wider, and bigger than we could ever ask, plan, or imagine for ourselves. However, He never asks us to do so for the expense or sake of ourselves–our health, and sanity.
It was not good for Moses to handle so many affairs on his own. Neither is it good for me and you to think we are super-humans who can go 75 miles a day, 7 days a week without a pause. There is a reason for the Sabbath. For Selah. For sharing our burdens with one another to lighten the load.
“Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way, you will fulfill the law of Christ” (Galatians 6:2, New International Version).
This is a lesson I’m still learning, but I encourage you the same: Listen to those who give you advice. Their advice may not be what you want to hear, and they may not always be right. But if they love you, it is worth a listen. They might just have your best interests at heart.
Amber Ginter is a young adult writer that currently works as an English teacher in Chillicothe, Ohio, and has a passionate desire to impact the world for Jesus through her love for writing, aesthetics, health/fitness, and ministry. Amber seeks to proclaim her love for Christ and the Gospel through her writing, aesthetic worship arts, and volunteer roles. She is enrolled in the YWW Author Conservatory to become a full-time author and is a featured writer for Crosswalk,ibelieve, Salem Web Network, The Rebelution, Daughter of Delight, Kallos, Anchored Passion, No Small Life, and Darling Magazine. In the past, she’s also contributed to Called Christian Writers, Southern Ohio Today News, Ohio Christian University, and The Circleville Herald. Visit her website atamberginter.com.
