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Tag: Relationships

  • How I Learned to Combat Conflict in My Marriage

    How I Learned to Combat Conflict in My Marriage

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    Conflict can be good if you see it from the right perspective, but conflict is also hard, especially in a marriage. Conflict can be good in that it resolves deeper issues, unmet expectations, and miscommunications, but it could also cause a rift in our marriage that is hard to resolve. Our spouses see us at our best and our worst. It is easy for us to take out our areas of pain and frustration on our spouses, but simply because they are in our lives doesn’t mean we can use them as a punching bag. When I chose to see my spouse in a new light and understand the role healthy conflict has in our marriage, I could resolve arguments in a godly way. 

    First, I saw my spouse as an ally rather than an enemy. This was the most important part of shifting my perspective. I sometimes saw my husband as the enemy against me, using words like weapons and hurling insults because he was not there to support me. I had unhealthy expectations that he would always love and support me unconditionally—perfectly. Those are things I can only get from God. I was using my husband as a way to take out my greatest frustrations instead of seeing him as an ally. I now see him as a flawed person who makes mistakes just like me, and it has helped me forgive him in areas where I was wronged.

    Look Past the Past

    Second, I was able to look past the past. Although I was diligent in forgiving current situations, it was easy for me to bring them back up again during present conflict. But that is not what Jesus did. To be an example of Jesus, I needed to forgive my spouse and choose to remember his sins no more. That especially includes the sins committed against us. This may seem impossible, but it can be done with God’s help. Just as God still remembers our sins yet chooses not to use them against us, we can choose to do the same when it comes to our spouses. We are only doing ourselves a disservice when we choose to hold past offenses against our spouse. If I wanted to have a good marriage, I had to let go of the past and forge ahead toward a healthy marriage for the future. 

    Take Personal Responsibility

    Third, I had to take responsibility for the parts of the conflict where I was wrong. Instead of shifting blame to my spouse in every situation, I had to analyze my part and responsibility in the offense. I sometimes laid blame even when I had been wronged, and I had to take responsibility for my part in that. When I was able to take responsibility, bring it to God, and ask God for his forgiveness, I could rest assured knowing that Christ’s blood covered all my past wrongs. Not only that, but I was able to view my husband’s wrongs in the same light. God chooses not to hold his offenses against me. If I am to be an example of Christ, I can’t hold his past offenses against him either. 

    Choose Your Battles

    Fourth, I chose my battles. I saw the conflict as the problem, but often, it was just a symptom of a much larger problem. For example, if I saw extra dishes in the sink and it was his turn to do the dishes, I would explode at him for not doing his share. However, it was my feelings of unappreciation and a feeling of being used that were my underlying issues rather than his lack of diligence regarding the chores. When I could go to God with my deeper needs for appreciation and ask God to validate who I am in Christ, the dishes became an act of service rather than a chore to be endured. 

    When I was able to shift my perspective and ask God to meet my deeper needs rather than going to my spouse, I was able to see the relationship for what it truly was: a partnership where we mirror Christ and the Church. Because we are human, it can often be messy. Both husband and wife make mistakes and hurt the other. The more that happened and the more those situations piled up, the more difficult it became to forgive and to love with the same love Christ had for me. When I was able to work through my issues regarding feeling unappreciated or undervalued, I was able to see that God is the only one who can meet my needs. If you are struggling with deeper needs, there is hope. 

    During your quiet time, ask the Holy Spirit to reveal any past situations where you felt this need for the first time. As I examined my life, I often found these deeper feelings did not come from my spouse but rather from my bad childhood experiences. When I was able to forgive the offender for not meeting my needs, I was able to see my spouse in a more loving way. A great resource for this is Soul Care by Rob Reimer. In it, he takes the reader through several areas where the soul may have emotional baggage that, when resolved, can lead people to a free life in Christ. When I was able to rid myself of deeper wounds and issues that I could not change, I was able to walk in freedom. I also noticed my physical, mental, and emotional well-being were better off because of the work God had done in my life. 

    See the Partnership

    Fifth, I was able to see my marriage as a partnership: two equal people working together to accomplish the work of the Kingdom. When I saw one of us as more than the other, it skewed my relationship and allowed one of us to act superior toward the other. This caused a sense of inferiority that I could not change. When I started seeing myself as inferior to others, it skewed my worldview, hindering my ability to see others with the same eyes that Jesus sees them. I had to change how I saw myself. I had to rid myself of pride and ambition and see myself as a sinner in need of God’s grace.  When I was able to see myself for who I truly am—a person whose sin Christ’s blood covered on the cross, I was able to see people for who they were. How I viewed myself affected how I viewed others. 

    When we see ourselves with the truth of Scripture, we can hold tight to God’s promises and know that regardless of what happens, he sees us as his child, dearly loved. When I could see myself in that same vein, I was able to work within the confines of how God wired me. This gave me a feeling of deeper meaning and purpose. When we live every day as if we have a specific purpose, we can have the assurance that God will use us to accomplish his work. When I saw myself as a unique individual created by God to do the job only he has given me to do, it gave me a purpose much deeper than simply earning a paycheck or having a good marriage. This allowed my conflict with my spouse to reduce greatly. I knew my attitude had changed when I found my conflicts were fewer and farther between. I can’t say we don’t ever fight, but when we do, I try to see the situation from my spouse’s perspective. When I can look at this situation healthily, I take responsibility for my part, forgive when I’ve been wronged, and move forward to accomplish God’s work. 

    Love Like Christ

    Sixth, I could love my spouse the way God loves him. Although I can’t say I love my spouse unconditionally, I love him in a deeper way than I did when we first got married. When we were dating, I often saw a relationship as what he could do for me. Now I see it as what I can do for him and how we can move forward together in accomplishing his work. Whether it’s ministering to our local church or discussing our hopes and dreams, I can love him with the same love that Christ has for his people. When I do this, I understand, in a new way, God’s love for his children. Conflict is inevitable, but we don’t have to be in conflict regularly. By observing the steps above, you can choose to see your spouse in a new way. When you choose to see your spouse in the way God sees them, you can see your spouse and your marriage in the same way God sees it. 

    Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/fizkes

    Michelle S. Lazurek is a multi-genre award-winning author, speaker, pastor’s wife, and mother. She is a literary agent for Wordwise Media Services and a certified writing coach. Her new children’s book Who God Wants Me to Be encourages girls to discover God’s plan for their careers. When not working, she enjoys sipping a Starbucks latte, collecting 80s memorabilia, and spending time with her family and her crazy dog. For more info, please visit her website www.michellelazurek.com.

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    Michelle S. Lazurek

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  • 3 Things I Wish People Would Stop Telling Me About Getting Married

    3 Things I Wish People Would Stop Telling Me About Getting Married

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    Seventy-five days remain until I change my name from Miss to Mrs. As chaos surrounds me, so do the blessings. I’m overwhelmed with the changes occurring in my life, but even more, I’m encapsulated by how much advice people share during this season. 

    When I was a little girl, I dreamed of finding my prince and riding off on a white horse into the sunset. It was a daydream, a fairytale that princesses and paupers alike envision… that is until they grow up. 

    During my teen years, I didn’t go on a single date. Some might call me a prude, but genuinely, no one ever asked me out! Probably because I was shy around boys, or acted like they were that freaky jumping spider you find in your bathroom and scream for someone else to come take care of! 

    All jokes aside, however, I know now that the Lord was saving and reserving my heart for someone special. A certain someone I would wait my entire life to date, and praise the Lord, then marry. 

    Small Beginnings

    I met Ben at the end of my fourth year of college. I didn’t know it then, but he would quickly become a part of my life for the next five years. He will now soon become a part of my life forever. 

    Our dating scenes weren’t always easy. They were certainly not what I envisioned as a little girl with her Prince Charming. But I can say with honor that he is everything and more I prayed for. He is the prince I envisioned waiting for, and the one with whom I will spend the rest of my days here on Earth. 

    The closer we get to our wedding date, the more my anxiety grows. Don’t get me wrong; I am ecstatic! Finding a place to live and making transitions to live with another human being is a joy I prayed for many years to encounter. But as the years grow into months and days until I say “I do,” I am also filled with normal insecurities and fears. I suppose many others in this season know exactly what I’m referring to. 

    In my questions and answers, there have been three pieces of marriage advice repeated over and over. And if these have been said to you, I want you to know that you’re not alone! 

    While the intentions behind these pieces of advice come from genuine care and concern, here’s what I wish people would stop telling me about getting married:

    1. Marriage Is Hard

    Practically speaking, I understand what someone means when they coin the phrase, “Marriage is hard.” I think as children, we grow up envisioning marriage as this far-off mystical land full of rainbows, sunshine, and puppy dogs. But as much as we know these things simply aren’t true, we can set ourselves up for disappointment. The first time he forgets to take out the trash or we get into a disagreement can stir heated tensions. 

    I’m not married yet, so I won’t pretend to know everything about this subject. However, I have grown up in a home violated by verbal and emotional abuse. When people tell me marriage is hard, all I can think about is the home I grew up seeing. 

    The slamming doors. The raging voices. Unresolved arguments tucked away for another day in hopes of resolution. To say I saw a chaotic and unhealthy marriage would be an understatement. I love both of my parents dearly. I know they’ve raised me the best they could. No one is perfect. Not even the best couples are. But I don’t need anyone else to tell me marriage is hard. 

    I know it won’t be sunshine and rainbows every day. I know it won’t always be easy. But because I’ve grown up seeing what marriage shouldn’t be, I do know an awful lot about what it should be. What it should look like. How it should look. What I will and will not put up with. 

    As my Grandma Memo once told me, “Marriage isn’t hard, Amber. At least, it shouldn’t be. Sure, it has its ups and downs. It’s disagreements and moments of agreeing to disagree. But marriage is good. A healthy marriage is about sacrifice and balance. It takes work. Patience. Love and forgiveness. But it isn’t hard.”

    2. You Will Have Fights

    The second piece of advice people love to share about preparing for marriage is the assumption that “you will have fights.” Now, this might just be a personal preference, but I believe telling someone they and their partner will have fights isn’t the most appropriate measure of love to share. 

    Again, I digress. I grew up in a fairly dysfunctional family. I know what unhealthy relationships and boundaries look like between men and women. Between power and authority of those who shouldn’t have any but do. And yet, this comment that my fiancé and I will have fights simply isn’t helpful. 

    I’m not naive as many may think. Even Paul in 1 Corinthians 7 gives instruction that marriage is not for everyone, and moments of discontent between a husband and wife are sure to arise. Although I’m engaged to Ben, we have had our share of arguments over the five years we’ve been together. Little “he said, she said” moments of despair that really weren’t that big of a deal. But even in our worst disagreements and heartbreaks, we haven’t fought. 

    Early on in our dating relationship, it felt like Ben and I had a DTR (define the relationship) moment every single week or month. It was exhausting, and we questioned the relationship a lot. But the one thing Ben and I now value most about our relationship is the resilience, patience, and love Christ has enabled us to grow through within this experience. 

    Yes, Ben and I will continue to have things we disagree on often. Every couple does. But what matters is our resilience and drive to resolve these issues. We have a promise we’ve made to each other and God that when we have a problem, we tell each other. Not someone else. Not a family member, but we talk to each other. Once we’ve shed light on the subject, we then take the time to talk about it and listen to the other person’s perspective. No yelling. No slamming doors. No raising our voices. No throwing things or hitting the other person. 

    At the end of the day, there are still many things we have to simply agree to disagree about. This was another piece of advice Grandma gave me that I cling to often. But God never said we had to agree 100% of the time with the person we marry. He said that we need to cherish them with love and care like they were our own bodies. I’m still learning how to do this well, but I’m confident that if we keep Christ at the center of our relationship and remember who the true enemy of our problems is (Satan, not each other), we will avoid many quarrels. 

    3. The First Year of Marriage Is The Hardest

    The final piece of unwarranted advice that I wish people would stop saying about marriage is that “the first year is the hardest.” Granted, I’ve never been married. I don’t know and won’t pretend to know what this experience is going to be like. But as someone with anxiety and depression, I’m sure it’ll continue to be overwhelming and exciting. 

    The assumption that the first year of marriage will be the hardest comes from the belief that two people are merging their lives together for the first time. Since Ben and I are Christians and have always lived at home with our families (even commuting to and from college this way), it’s sure to be a wake-up call. Most days, I’m not sure I’m prepared for living with the opposite species and how he will act. I’m sure Ben would say the same about living with a female who’s emotional and cries most days.

    Nevertheless, I know that the path we’ve pursued is God’s plan, and He will bless our lives. We’ve chosen to pursue our marriage the right way. We’ve never lived together and won’t until our vows have been said, rings are placed, and our promise to God is presented before mankind. But I would rather choose honor to God than comfort to man. I would rather be surprised when I get married than dishonor God just to seek something unknown. 

    Over the last five years, Ben and I have experienced a lot of really hard things. I’m tempted to say they are things many couples still haven’t faced. Everyone has their unique battles and challenges. But only God truly knows our story and where it’s headed. Only God knows how the rest of our lives will unfold. 

    I presume that Ben and I will face many challenges in the first year of marriage. But it’s accurate to say we probably will every single year. I don’t necessarily think one can outweigh the other as long as resilience, grace, love, and forgiveness pave the way.

    Seventy-five days feel like a long time now, but I know it’ll fade quickly. And soon, I’ll tread deep into waters I know relatively little about. I have my preconceived notions and ideals, but there’s only so much you can prepare for without experience. 

    For all of you friends in this similar season, know I see you and stand with you. But please don’t be afraid. Only you, your partner-to-be, and God know how everything pan out. And with Christ on your side and within your relationship, you will conquer even the most unknown and uncertain circumstances. 

    Be blessed today and forevermore, knowing that Someone who died to love you is preparing you for an eternity of love here on Earth and in Heaven. Regardless of the advice you’ve been told. Regardless of things that have been said, but probably shouldn’t. 

    Agape, Amber

    Photo Credit: ©Pixabay/Pexels

    Amber Ginter is a young adult writer that currently works as an English teacher in Chillicothe, Ohio, and has a passionate desire to impact the world for Jesus through her love for writing, aesthetics, health/fitness, and ministry. Amber seeks to proclaim her love for Christ and the Gospel through her writing, aesthetic worship arts, and volunteer roles. She is enrolled in the YWW Author Conservatory to become a full-time author and is a featured writer for Crosswalk, ibelieve, Salem Web Network, The Rebelution, Daughter of Delight, Kallos, Anchored Passion, No Small Life, and Darling Magazine. In the past, she’s also contributed to Called Christian Writers, Southern Ohio Today News, Ohio Christian University, and The Circleville Herald. Visit her website at amberginter.com.

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    Amber Ginter

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  • Why Adult Friendships Can Be So Hard

    Why Adult Friendships Can Be So Hard

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    Adult friendships can be extremely hard at times. While it would be nice to have easy sailing friendships, most times, this doesn’t happen. In order for friendships to work, whether adult friendships or not, there needs to be work put in by each side. If one friend is putting in the effort, but the other isn’t putting in any effort, the friendship probably won’t last. For any type of friendship, there are struggles, yet adult friendships are much harder. 

    When we are kids, it’s much easier to form friendships. There’s less responsibility, less baggage, and less at stake. When I was in second grade, I formed a friendship that I thought would last forever. While it did last the entirety of elementary school, once we moved to middle school, we fell out of contact. Similar to this instance, the same can be said about adult friendships. When we are adults, we often travel for jobs or move from town to town. This can make it extremely difficult to form lasting friendships. In order to have a friendship, you need to spend time with each other. 

    While texting and calling are nice and convenient, it is best to meet up in person, if possible, to form strong bonds with friends. When we are adults, it can be easier to just send a quick happy birthday text or a “How are you?” text, yet we fail to grow deeper in our friendship because we are afraid to be vulnerable and open. For a friendship to work, both parties need to want to cultivate the friendship. One friend cannot do all the work. Both friends equally need to have the desire to cultivate the friendship. If one friend decides the friendship isn’t working, there is not a huge chance of the friendship moving forward. 

    With adult friendships, we often try to force ourselves to be certain people’s friends in order to fit in or to seem “cool.” In this way, it is not much different than middle or high school. Sadly, if we try to force our friendship upon someone, it is not likely they are going to appreciate our forceful efforts. Instead of forcing friendships or trying to manipulate them to happen, we need to allow friendships to grow naturally. 

    As someone who tried a lot in college to have everyone like me, I know now that this is an impossible goal. While I might have wanted everyone to be my friend, it doesn’t mean they wanted to be friends in return. In hindsight, I can see this now, yet at the time, I didn’t know. My only focus was trying to find friends since for the longest time I had no friends. Due to being homeschooled, I didn’t have any friends outside of my family members. This resulted in me feeling lonely, so in college, I wanted to make friends with everyone, even if they might not have been my friends in return.

    Understanding Boundaries

    While we should be a friend to all people, it doesn’t mean we are going to have the close friendship bond we expect to have with a best friend. It might be a small smile or a nice wave, but it doesn’t mean the person is your best friend. It is best, as adults, for us to know that not everyone will want to be our friend. This can be sad and depressing to think about, yet it is best for us to be aware that not everyone we think will be our friend will actually be our friend. It might take time, but God will help lead us to the friends we need. 

    We can choose to take the matter into our own hands by trying to manipulate others to be our friends, but this is not good to do. Instead, pray to God and ask Him to lead you to the right friends. After church, invest some time in talking to other adults around your age. Maybe you attend a small group, and there are others who are in the same life phase as you. Talk with them, and you might find a really great friend who will be with you through thick and thin. These types of friends are to be appreciated because they are hard to find. 

    Adult friendships also tend to be hard because most friend groups have already been established. Going back to my example from college, I had gotten into a friend group who I thought were going to be my friends forever. Turns out, forever didn’t last as long as I had originally thought. I was so blinded by wanting to have friends that I didn’t realize I had little to nothing in common with the other people in the group. I was the polar opposite of them, and I quickly started wondering why I even went to events with t hem. I always felt awkward and as though the other people had no interest in anything I said. 

    Over time, I separated myself from this friend group because I realized they weren’t my real friends. They had long stopped replying to my text messages months before, and I felt like an outsider. None of them reached out during my struggles with mental health nor did any of them seem to care. It is sad to realize your “friends” aren’t really your friends, but it is better to recognize this before it takes up your entire life. 

    You Deserve Better

    You deserve to have friends who love you, care about you, and encourage you. You don’t deserve friends who make you feel like less of a person. Sadly, adult friendships can be hard, but don’t let this deter you or cause you to get into unhealthy friend groups. Ask God for guidance and ask Him to bring the right people into your life. He truly knows best, and He will provide you with the friends that you need. During my struggles with adult friendships, I have discovered that my greatest friend is my sister. 

    Unfortunately, I neglected my friendship with my sister for many years because I was so focused on forming friendships with my friend group from college. My sister has been the one who has been with me through every season of life, on the sunny days and dark days. A true friend is like my sister. Someone who is always there for you, doesn’t leave when things get hard, and someone who always points you back to Jesus. You deserve this type of friendship too. Even if it might not be your sister, you can find a lasting friendship through God’s help. 

    Adult friendships can be difficult, but they don’t have to be. Through both parties investing time and energy into the friendship, the friendship can flourish. It is important to remember that for a friendship to remain, both parties have to want to keep the friendship alive. It is normal for friendships to come and go, even if it might be difficult. Just remember that God will bring the right people into your life, and it is best to wait on God instead of taking matters into your own hands. 

    Be a friend to all, but don’t expect them to be a friend back. Understand that not all people we invest time and energy in will respond in the same way. Find the people that like you for you and do your best to be a good friend to others. Whether you are looking for friends now as an adult or if you are going through a rough patch in your friendship, know that God is always there with you, and He is always your friend, no matter what. He loves you, and He is the Best Friend anyone could ever have in their life.  

    Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/Antonio Guillem

    Vivian Bricker loves Jesus, studying the Word of God, and helping others in their walk with Christ. She has earned a Bachelor of Arts and Master’s degree in Christian Ministry with a deep academic emphasis in theology. Her favorite things to do are spending time with her family and friends, reading, and spending time outside. When she is not writing, she is embarking on other adventures.

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  • 9 Ways to Make Your Marriage Extraordinary

    9 Ways to Make Your Marriage Extraordinary

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    Ephesians 4:31-32; “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” 

    Kindness is something we think we owe to other people but sometimes we forget that we should extend kindness to those in our households as well. In a marriage, being kind about even the little things means a lot.

    Gentlemen, don’t forget your manners and treat your wife as your queen. Ladies, remember his home is his castle and deserves to be respected.

    Going out of your way to do something small to encourage your husband or wife, bring a smile to their face, make their day special will fill both your hearts with affection and praise to God for bringing the two of you together. Kindness is the salve the opens both of you up to being tenderhearted.

    8. Be United

    If you have children remember to present a united front. Recent statistics tell us 57 percent of married households are childless. But for the remaining 43 percent, both parents must stand together, united in making the family rules and upholding them.

    However, never forget you had a spouse before your children, and that relationship needs to continue to grow.

    Being united also extends to the matters that you stand for as a couple. Though you may differ in gifts and opinions, extraordinary marriages are the ones that God uses as a united front for his purposes and glory. Evaluate what the two of you value most and where your gifts align, and then go after your particular ministry wholeheartedly, together in spirit.

    Photo Credit: ©Unsplash/David Nunez

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    Linda Gilden

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  • Ali Wong and Bill Hader Are Officially Living, Laughing, and Loving Once Again

    Ali Wong and Bill Hader Are Officially Living, Laughing, and Loving Once Again

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    Relationships between comedians are both funny-weird, and funny-haha, it seems safe to assume. The latest example? Ali Wong and Bill Hader are dating again, as the Barry star’s rep confirmed to Page Six the two are back together after reportedly splitting due to busy schedules last fall.

    Hader hinted at the couple’s reunion in a recent interview with Collider, during which he employed the age-old “my girlfriend” tactic without naming names, though it has since been confirmed he was referring to Wong. “My girlfriend and I were just figuring out that I haven’t had a vacation in 10 years,” he said. “I went with her to San Francisco, but that doesn’t really count. So, I’m going to have a vacation. I need to go into sponge mode, where I’m watching stuff and reading.”

    Ah, yes, the old “watching stuff and reading” chillcation, and the “doesn’t count” trips. Hader said he’s tried meditating to cleanse his vibe, but “every time I sit down to meditate, I end up passing out and falling asleep.” Who among us? While science has not yet provided us with a definitive checklist of what qualifies a vacation as “real,” one might assume that travel around family obligations like weddings, graduations, b’nai mitzvahs, and their ilk, no matter how lovely the location or tasty the sourdough. Sitting on a beach and staring dead-eyed at the ocean doesn’t hit quite the same when you know you’re going to have to watch your grandmother drop ice cubes in her Riesling later. Work trips don’t count, either, which spells bad news for creatives like Wong and Hader, who don’t just perform, but are constantly developing their own projects and ideas. “Watching stuff and reading” is fun, but also…kind of work. After all, remember where Lin-Manuel Miranda was when he wrote King George’s “You’ll Be Back” from Hamilton? That would be his honeymoon, what should arguably be the chillest, non-workiest, realest vacation imaginable. Which is to say, good luck enjoying the beach.

    Wong has recently been making headlines for her performance as a rage-fueled houseplant mogul in Netflix’s Beef, but broke into public consciousness for her stand-up, much of which discussed her relationship with then-husband Justin Hakuta. The pair announced their divorce in April 2022, and Wong recently said they are “best friends” and that they’re experiencing an “unusual divorce,” even planning to travel together with their two young daughters for her next stand-up tour, which she has dubbed “The Single Lady Tour.” 

    Hader, meanwhile, stars in Barry, the fourth season of which recently premiered. He was formerly linked to stars such as Rachel Bilson, who revealed to the world that she missed “his big dick,” and Anna Kendrick, who went on a healing yacht journey in the wake of her breakup with Hader. Hader was also previously married to writer-director Maggie Carey, with whom he shares three daughters.

    Vanity Fair has reached out to reps for both Hader and Wong, who didn’t immediately return requests for comment.

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    Kase Wickman

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  • 12 Christlike Characteristics to Affirm in Your Grandchildren

    12 Christlike Characteristics to Affirm in Your Grandchildren

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    I was stunned! Fifteen years as an intermediate teacher, and I could count on one hand how many times this had happened. A former student took the time (several years later) to look me up and come by to say, “Thank you.”

    It wasn’t the effort or the thanks, although both were rare and very much appreciated. It was what he remembered. While in my classroom, the young man was good-natured, friendly, and hard-working. He was an above-average student. However, he was also 11 years old, and sometimes his immaturity prevailed.

    At the end of that school year in our “closing ceremonies,” he was presented with an award: a construction paper ribbon. On the back of the ribbon I had inscribed an affirmation of his character, complete with how I saw that character being manifested in his future academic and athletic endeavors.

    As a college-bound athlete, he now stood before me to thank me for challenging him and even more, for the words of affirmation that had been bestowed upon him. He let me know that those words on the back of a simple little ribbon were still hanging in his room.

    That moment convinced me. I could slap vague stickers all over my students work and send them off each year with ubiquitous ribbons, or I could choose to make an investment of worth.

    Agreeing with Lou Priolo, who in his book, Pleasing People, says, “Demonstrate your high estimation of others by commending them for those qualities that are biblically worthy of praise,” I chose to commend my students with explicit and upbuilding affirmations.

    My afternoon with that young man also made an impact on my grandparenting. Christ-like attributes are essential in every area of life, and it is my responsibility to teach and nurture these characteristics in the lives of my grandchildren. The bestowing of good affirmations, one that are specific and sincere, will help me carry out that role.

    Consider with me the following 12 Christ-like characteristics to affirm in your grandchildren.

    1. Authenticity

    Thus, by their fruit you will recognize them. Matthew 7:20

    Christianity is all about engaging in the imperfect, honest process of becoming more like Jesus. It is not about perfection. Affirm your grandchildren when you witness the demonstration of humble, sincere, Gospel-centered authenticity in their lives.

    2. Compassion

    Finally, all of you, be like-minded, be sympathetic, love one another, be compassionate and humble. 1 Peter 3:8

    Compassion alludes to thoughtfulness and sympathy, but it goes much deeper. Compassion means to “suffer with.” Commend your grandchildren for recognizing the suffering of others and taking action to help. This Christ-like characteristic might be evidenced in their thoughtful questions, tears, or attempts to help.

    3. Courtesy

    So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets. Matthew 7:12

    Courtesy speaks to social manners and polite conduct. Things which many seem to think have become as extinct as the pterodactyl.

    When you notice your grandchildren holding a door for someone else, going last in line, deferring to another, or saying, “Please” and “Thank you,” offer a word of affirmation. Something as simple as, “I notice God is helping you become more courteous as you grow.”

    4. Forgiveness

    Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. Ephesians 4:31-32

    Extending mercy to every sinner who confesses their sin and trusts in Him, Jesus is the most forgiving person in existence. He also instructs us to forgive as we have been forgiven.

    When you witness your grandchildren offering forgiveness and extending grace to others, commend them for this work of Christ you see in them.

    5. Generosity

    Remember this: Whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows generously will also reap generously. Each of you should give what you have decided in your heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver. And God is able to bless you abundantly, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work. 2 Corinthians 9:6-8

    Jesus shares everything He has, holding nothing back for Himself.

    Our grandchildren exhibit generosity when they give to others sacrificially. It’s more than money. It’s cheerfully sharing what they have. Each time your grandchild shares a box of candy, gives the money in their piggy bank to a mission effort, or serves at a food pantry, commend them for looking more and more like Christ.

    6. Gratitude

    And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him. Colossians 3:17

    Gratitude is the expression of our thanks and praise, and it is a precious offering in the sight of our God.

    In a very young child, the expression may come in the form of giggles and twinkling eyes. Older children might express their gratitude in the form of spoken or written words. As your grandchildren grow in their attentiveness to the gift and their appreciation for the giver, affirm this display of Christ-like character in them.  

    7. Integrity

    The integrity of the upright guides them, but the unfaithful are destroyed by their duplicity. Proverbs 11:3

    Integrity is adherence to moral and ethical principles. This Christ-like characteristic is fundamental to true character. It is exhibited in a person’s honesty, sincerity, and genuineness and over time will produce honor, truth, and reliability.

    Simple affirmations such as, “I see the Christ-like characteristic of integrity shining through you when you…,” or “I want to be like you in the way you showed such integrity when…,” will foster Christ-likeness in your grandchildren.

    8. Kindness

    Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Colossians 3:12

    Considerate. Gentle. Helpful. One who shows kindness to others is prompted by love. They desire to help others and express good will. A kind soul takes a tender approach toward others’ weaknesses and limitations. Their words and actions are intended for the benefit of others.

    Such a characteristic when seen in the lives of our grandchildren is worthy of commendation.

    9. Obedience

    For just as through the disobedience of the one man the many were made sinners, so also through the obedience of the one man the many will be made righteous. Romans 5:19

    We taught our children and now enjoy watching them teach our grandchildren that to obey means to do it the first time with a happy heart. No rolled eyes, deep sighs, or reluctant resignation is ever-present in a true act of obedience.

    When you “catch” your grandchildren obeying in the true sense of the word, take the time to offer a sincere affirmation. How about, “It makes my heart happy when…,” or “I know it makes God’s heart happy when…?”

    10. Respectfulness

    Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. Romans 12:10

    Respect and honor go hand in hand.

    To honor someone means to “give them weight.” Honor is usually bestowed based on position, status, wealth, or character and is shown by our respect.

    Respect is a way of thinking about someone. A positive feeling of admiration, it manifests itself in how we treat others publicly.

    Do your grandchildren exhibit the Christ-like characteristic of respect by looking others in the eye, putting the phone down in their presence, saying thank you to someone who has invested in them, or sitting beside someone who is sitting alone? These acts and others like them are certainly worthy of commendation.

    11. Responsibility

    “Now my soul is troubled, and what shall I say? ‘Father, save me from this hour’? No, it was for this very reason I came to this hour. John 12:27

    Faced with a task beyond our ability to comprehend, Jesus resolved to see it through to the very end. Ever faithful even at a cost of great sacrifice, He is our supreme example.

    Do your grandchildren demonstrate this Christ-like characteristic? Have you seen them performing assigned tasks to the best of their ability, being faithful to their responsibilities, keeping their word, or completing tasks even when it would be more convenient not to?

    Their acts of consistency, trustworthiness, and reliability show respect to others and honor God. In this, they should be encouraged and affirmed.

    12. Truthfulness

    Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body. Ephesians 4:25

    Sometimes being truthful can take courage, especially when there are consequences. Affirm this Christ-like characteristic in your grandchildren whenever you see it on display. A pattern of truth-telling leads to confidence being placed in them by others.

    It’s important to note that this list of 12 Christ-like characteristics to affirm in your grandchildren is not by any means exhaustive. In your work of teaching and nurturing, be on the lookout for other demonstrations of Christlikeness (marked patterns of behavior that reflect the example of Christ.) When you witness them, be sure to speak or write your words of affirmation. This is an investment of worth.

    Deborah Haddix serves as co-director of Education & Resources for the Prayer Ministry of Christian Grandparenting Network and is the author of Biblical Portrait of Grandparenthood: Discovering and Living Out God’s Design for Our Role. She is also a blogger, speaker, and Christian Life Coach. Connect with Deborah at her website.

    Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/Aldo Murillo

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  • 5 Ways to Navigate a Strained Mother-Child Relationship This Mother’s Day

    5 Ways to Navigate a Strained Mother-Child Relationship This Mother’s Day

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    Mother’s Day is a wonderful time to honor women who matter in our lives. It’s a chance to tell those who have invested in your life “thank you,” but it’s not an easy day for many. While many love the chance to lift up their mothers, for others, it can be a painful reminder of how things are not as they should be in this hugely important relationship. For mothers with children who have lost their way, it can be a time of grieving and a reminder of the hole that lives in your heart every day of the year. It can be tough for children whose mothers have walked away to say kind words about mothers when your own has hurt you so deeply.

    It’s easy to want to gloss over the complexities of this special day. We all want to avoid painful conversations; it’s just a part of how we were made. But we must leave space for us all to process whatever emotions Mother’s Day conjures up, both good and bad. For those of us excited to honor our cherished mothers, we need to ensure that we aren’t sharing our joy so loudly that we don’t hear the grief that others may be carrying alongside us.

    Here are some ideas on how to graciously walk through this Mother’s Day even when things are not as they should be:

    1. Share Your Story

    Photo Credit: ©iStock/Getty Images Plus/AsiaVision

    If this is a tough moment for you, share your story with someone you love. Don’t walk through this spring holiday alone feeling like the only person stuck without a child or mother to dote on. Others can empathize or maybe are processing their own grief. Your honesty can open the door for others to feel safe in sharing their struggles this year.

    The enemy wants to isolate us in our despair, leading to further negativity and sadness. Sharing the burden you may be carrying when it comes to your mother or children lightens the load. It makes space for relief and even joy amid this loss. If you don’t have a trusted friend to share your burden with, consider finding a counselor to help you wade through the loss you have experienced as this vital relationship struggles. We need each other and were not made to shoulder the weight of brokenness alone!

    2. Pray Over Your Relationship

    Sometimes we experience losses in our lives that feel so big we just don’t know how or what we could ever do to mend them. These are the times we need God on our side more than ever. If your child has walked away and found themselves trapped in a dark lifestyle, dedicate Mother’s Day to praying over their lives. God is the only one with the ultimate power to break the chains of sin and death that want to steal from our lives.

    If you have lost touch with your mother or have experienced tension in your relationship, pray that God will build a bridge between you and your Mother. Pray that forgiveness and new, more healthy patterns can be created between you. Ask God to restore the lost connection and heal the wounds that linger in your hearts.

    3. Reach Out in One Small Way

    Photo credit: ©GettyImages/fizkes

    If tension and hurt keep you from being together as a family, choose one small way to extend an olive branch of peace to your estranged loved ones. It could be a note expressing that you are thinking about them. A small gift to love on them with your generosity. You could invite them to spend a limited time together to test the waters, such as a short brunch. Post an honoring photo of your Mom or children on social media for Mother’s Day. Think of something that feels safe and kind that you can do to reach out.

    4. Set Healthy Boundaries

    Maybe you feel like there is no way around being with a destructive parent or child and dread the time spent together. You should not put yourself in harm’s way. You must establish healthy boundaries to protect your heart and mind when there has been abuse, neglect, or other trauma. Don’t feel that you have to say yes to every invite. Find ways to express your need for love and respect in your relationship. Consult trusted friends, mentors, and counselors to determine what is healthy and safe in your situation.

    5. Avoid Comparison

    Woman looking at her phone in jealousy

    Photo Credit: ©iStock/Getty Images Plus/tommaso79

    It’s so hard not to watch friends’ beautiful posts and start comparing ourselves to others. Discouragement, bitterness, and discontentment can grow in our hearts when we compare our situations to the images others share with the world. Each person’s story is different. God is always at work in the details of our lives. It’s dangerous to say I wish my life was different or better in a certain way to match up with others. We each carry different burdens, and God uses the trials in our lives to grow us up in His love. Don’t let the lies of a coveting heart trip you up this Mother’s Day.

    Strained relationships can be a heavy burden to carry in our lives. May you find the peace of God that surpasses all understanding, along with his gracious wisdom, as you walk through this challenging circumstance. We serve a miracle-working God, and there is no circumstance beyond his ability to repair and restore. He is working even when we don’t see it. May he do what only he can do on your behalf.

    Photo credit: ©Getty Images/fizkes

    Amanda Idleman is a writer whose passion is to encourage others to live joyfully. She writes devotions for My Daily Bible Verse Devotional and Podcast, Crosswalk Couples Devotional, the Daily Devotional App, she has work published with Her View from Home, on the MOPS Blog, and is a regular contributor for Crosswalk.com. You can find out more about Amanda on her Facebook Page or follow her on Instagram.

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  • Are Mentors All That Important?

    Are Mentors All That Important?

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    Mentors are people who teach, guide, and advise others who are younger than them. They normally teach them in areas such as Christian growth, ethics, or a certain field of study. In the modern day, mentors are not as common or encouraged. Since mentoring relationships aren’t as prevalent, many individuals question if they are important.

     Depending on the mentor and the age of life you are in, a mentor can be very important.

    Finding My Mentor

    Until college, I never really had a mentor. I had a mom and a dad, but never a direct mentor. It wasn’t until college that I actually had a mentor. My mentor was my missions professor, who became like a grandfather to me. He was the missions professor of the school, which meant he was the professor who taught us about missions, missiology, and intercultural studies. Since missions was one of my minors, I was taught by the missions professor throughout most semesters. I always left the class knowing more than I did before, and, more importantly, I left class with the feeling that I mattered.

    All before my mentor, teachers never encouraged me, nor did they support me. I never felt safe going to them. With my mentor, I was able to talk about school, the classes, and my walk with Christ. He believed in me when nobody else did—and before I could believe in myself. As part of my missions program, one of the classes was a missions internship. With my mental health battles, I was nervous to travel overseas, to say the least. Due to compulsions, anxiety, and depression, I was afraid of what was going to happen. 

    Encouragement from My Mentor

    Despite my fears, my mission professor believed in me and encouraged me as the day of my departure came closer. He and his wife even drove me to the airport and encouraged me the entire drive. To say I’m extremely grateful for both of them is an understatement. My mentor truly helped me overcome a huge obstacle by supporting me before, during, and after my mission internship. Once they had to leave me at the airport, I was afraid, but they had left me with the encouragement I needed.

    Did I stress out at the airport and call them? Of course. Did I end up crying and calling my family? Of course. I was scared, but through the encouragement and support of others, I was able to board the plane and head overseas. As nice as it would be to say that everything was smooth sailing from there, it wasn’t. I stayed with three missionary families while I was there, all of whom had to fill out evaluation forms on how well I was doing. I was struggling greatly there, not to mention a myriad of mental health issues that I didn’t feel comfortable sharing with them. 

    On each of these evaluation forms, I was given terrible reviews. I was doing everything they told me, yet form after form, my mentor was met with reviews that said I had too much emotional baggage or I had “spiritual problems.” These “spiritual problems” were simply the depression, anxiety, and anorexia that I had been struggling with for over a decade. With these negative evaluation forms, my mentor still believed in me, and I passed the class. Passing the class was a task in and of itself, but to know that my mentor believed in me, even after all the negative things that were written about me on the forms, was the greatest encouragement of all.

    Each of the three missionary families suggested that I wasn’t cut out for missionary work, but my mentor believed I was. To say the words from the missionary families didn’t hurt would be a lie. In fact, they hurt so much that it sent me on a downward spiral with my mental health for a long time after. They convinced me that I wasn’t good enough to be a missionary and that I had too many “problems.” 

    It’s funny how each of these missionary families could say I had too many problems, emotional baggage, and spiritual problems—because don’t we all? Don’t we all have past trauma, hurts, and pain? How many of us have a mental health issue and are afraid to tell others about it? Why are we scared? We are scared for the exact reason that they would label us as a “freak” or as someone with “spiritual problems.” We need more people who believe in us despite our illnesses and problems, who support us no matter what, just like my mentor. 

    Lasting Friendship with My Mentor

    In the aftermath of my trip, my mentor and I kept in touch even though he moved with his wife across the state to be with their family. Even though we don’t talk as much as we used to, I know I can always go to him when I’m in need of help, guidance, or advice. He never tires of my questions and he was never tired of how many times I would submit my assignments way too early. Since I had such a great experience with a mentor, I would say mentors are very important. Granted, not all mentors would be as supportive and encouraging as my mentor, but there are some great mentors out there—you just have to find them. 

    While I understand many individuals have had bad experiences with mentors, we need to know not all mentors are negative. In the case with my mentor, he wasn’t assigned to me, nor did someone tell me one day he was my mentor. Instead, he grew to be my mentor as I took his classes and relied on him for his knowledge of the field I was studying. Therefore, my piece of advice would be to find your own mentor and let it flow naturally. Nobody wants to be forced to be someone else’s mentor, yet over time, the right person can become the perfect mentor for you.

    Mentors are very important because they are wise and knowledgeable. My mentor was a university professor at my college, but your mentor might not be a professor. Your mentor might be your mom, dad, grandma, or grandpa. Even outside of the family, you can find a great mentor with spiritual/life advice. It might be your counselor, therapist, or your youth leader. When we stop trying to specifically look for a mentor, that is when we will find them. Ask God for His help and guidance as you try to find a mentor.

    The most important part of a mentor, by far, is his or her relationship with God. If they don’t know God, then it is best to choose a different mentor. If you’re going to have a mentor, it should be someone who loves God with all their heart, mind, and soul. A mentor without Jesus isn’t going to know how to lead you in a way that brings God glory. However, if you have a mentor who loves Jesus and follows Him faithfully, it will overflow in their lives and give glory to God. In time, you might become a mentor to someone, and you too will be able to share the love of Christ in your actions, just as my mentor did in my life. 

    Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/Zinkevych

    Vivian Bricker loves Jesus, studying the Word of God, and helping others in their walk with Christ. She has earned a Bachelor of Arts and Master’s degree in Christian Ministry with a deep academic emphasis in theology. Her favorite things to do are spending time with her family and friends, reading, and spending time outside. When she is not writing, she is embarking on other adventures.

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  • How to Break Up with a Friend (and Wish Them Well)

    How to Break Up with a Friend (and Wish Them Well)

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    The knife went in, only a bit deeper this time. A friend had spread gossip about me, ruining my reputation and, ultimately, our friendship. The person who was my friend became my enemy. 

    Insults were hurled; accusations were made; feelings were hurt. A myriad of emotions stung my psyche. Hurt. Betrayal. Anger. I had invested my time, money, and extensive resources in this person. Now it was all I could muster not to wish for a refund on this raw deal. 

    They were supposed to be our friends. How could they do this to us?

    As time went on, a new set of emotions emerged. Bitterness. Resentment. Rage. I was hesitant to forgive and reluctant to trust anyone again. As I reflected on my feelings, God reminded me of this verse in Luke 6:27-28: “But to you who are listening I say: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you.”

    After reading that verse, I knew I had the best weapon of all—the gift of blessing. Satan was trying to steal our joy, but I wasn’t going to let him get away with it. As God always does, He allows us to take part in the redemptive work He is doing in the lives of His children, thwarting Satan’s plans to seek vengeance. That meant instead of seeking retaliation, I could seek to bless those who curse me. 

    Bless rather than sling mud?

    Speak blessings rather than speak curses?

    Did I even have it in me?

    Even though that friend betrayed me, I could, through the truth of Scripture, end the relationship by speaking blessings over her life. It wouldn’t be easy, but I could find redemption in a toxic relationship. 

    What Makes a Relationship Toxic? 

    Here are the ingredients of a toxic friendship:

    First, trust has been broken. The most important part of any relationship is that both people can trust each other. When trust is broken, it is difficult to continue in the relationship. Both parties must feel safe in a friendship. When one person feels they can’t trust the other, it is time to move on. A friend is someone with whom one can share their innermost thoughts and feelings and know those thoughts will be held with the highest confidentiality. When that person confides in someone else what was said, the relationship is over. 

    Second, certain expectations must be met. Both parties should accept each other for who they are, not try to spend their time changing the other person. Each party must feel it is a safe space for them to share and be honest with each other. When one party creates an unsafe space for the other, it’s time to re-evaluate the relationship. A friend is someone who loves us regardless of the circumstances. When one party starts to put conditions or limits on that love, it’s a toxic situation that needs to be resolved immediately. 

    Third, if the relationship drains me physically, emotionally, and mentally, it’s time to end the friendship. Both parties must be getting something out of the relationship. It can’t be one-sided. When one person acts more like a therapist than a friend, it’s time to end the friendship. This is especially true if someone tends to take more than they give in their friendship. Distance is best in a relationship where one takes more than they give. However, I wouldn’t recommend simply ghosting someone but rather having a heart-to-heart conversation with them. Sometimes having a hard conversation with them is all it takes for the relationship to continue. If, after having a conversation with them, they’re hesitant to change, it’s time to end the relationship. 

    Fourth, if they disrespect boundaries, it’s time to end the friendship. Every relationship should have specific boundaries regarding emotional and mental space. This way, there are no ambiguities as to where the relationship begins and where it ends. If a friend disrespects your boundaries, whether it means breaking confidentiality, betraying your trust, or asserting themselves in situations where they don’t belong, it’s time to create some distance. 

    Fifth, if passive-aggressive or dismissive behavior emerges in your friendship, it’s time to call it quits. Friendship does not require that both parties agree on every issue, but a friend should value the other person’s perspective enough to hear her out and consider it. A person who merely dismisses a concern or becomes self-centered in their behavior is not a friend worth keeping. 

    Blessing Enemies—a Tall Order

    Friendships can be enriching and rewarding experiences for both parties. But if toxic behavior results in any of the situations above or in any other situation not mentioned here, it is time you take a timeout on your friendship. It will be hard to grieve the loss of a friend. But in the end, you’ll benefit emotionally, mentally, and physically because of it. 

    After allowing Luke 6:27-28 to work in my heart, I presented myself with a challenge. For one week, I would pray a prayer of blessing over my enemies in the hopes that it would not only change my perspective of the situation but also my heart. Only God could want me to offer this to Him because I resisted it with every fiber of my being.

    Reluctantly, I sat in my chair and spoke this prayer aloud:

    “Lord, please bless ________. I know he/she is my enemy right now, but please bring your healing to the situation. Turn our turmoil into peace, our sorrow into joy, and our despair into hope.”

    On Monday, the words were like eating sour lemons—downright unpleasant. By Wednesday, they came a bit more naturally. By Friday, they tasted sweet like honey, rewarding them and me. 

    Praying a prayer of blessing over my enemies is a tall order. When I think about the situation, it still brings up feelings of anger and betrayal. Yet, Jesus afforded me the gift of forgiveness with His death on the cross. If He can bless His enemies then so can I. It’s far from easy, but worth it because blessing someone who hates me makes me love them even more. Every time I do it, something within me changes. My character becomes more like Jesus. The words become less bitter and a little sweeter. My thoughts are a little less angry and a little more peaceful.

    I hope one morning when I utter those words, I won’t have to think twice about them. I hope they will roll off my tongue with ease. I’m not quite there yet, but I’m getting there. Like Proverbs 16:24 says, “Gracious words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.”

    Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/MangoStar_Studio

    Michelle S. Lazurek is a multi-genre award-winning author, speaker, pastor’s wife, and mother. She is a literary agent for Wordwise Media Services and a certified writing coach. Her new children’s book Who God Wants Me to Be encourages girls to discover God’s plan for their careers. When not working, she enjoys sipping a Starbucks latte, collecting 80s memorabilia, and spending time with her family and her crazy dog. For more info, please visit her website www.michellelazurek.com.

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  • What Does “Love the Sinner, Hate the Sin” Mean?

    What Does “Love the Sinner, Hate the Sin” Mean?

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    Words are powerful. Words can build a person up or tear a person apart. Proverbs 18:21 tell us, “Words kill, words give life; they’re either poison or fruit—you choose.” Words can be a weapon of grace and mercy – breathing life into weary souls. And then there are those words spun from malicious tongues that can strip the oxygen from our lungs.

    Inspiring words can change circumstances for the better – legendary speech transcends time. There are sentences begging to be highlighted in our favorite books and pages to dog-ear and reread a thousand times. Healthy aspirations and stirring quotes get penned on sticky notes. And then lies a sacred space for the words committed to memory. They meld together like they were always meant to be. These words play a lyrical prose of soothing notes or dramatic keys stored tightly in your temporal lobe. Yes, these words are often attached to a moment when they had set sail to your soul, mended your heart, or ripped it apart. 

    The Origin of “Love the Sinner, Hate the Sin”

    I have heard these exact words several times in my life. Some call it a cliché or quote. I call it legendary because “Love the Sinner, Hate the Sin” has stood the test of time. According to an article on Catholic Answers, these words are first attributed to St. Augustine. “His Letter 211 (c. 424) contains the phrase Cum dilectione hominum et odio vitiorum, which translates roughly to ‘With love for mankind and hatred of sins.’” Then the article says, “The phrase has become more famous as ‘love the sinner but hate the sin’ or ‘hate the sin and not the sinner’ (the latter form appearing in Mohandas Gandhi’s 1929 autobiography).”

    Although “love the sinner, hate the sin” does not appear word for word in the Bible, the concept and command to love the sinner but despise the sin certainly appears throughout the New Testament. Jude 1:22-23 says, “Be merciful to those who doubt; save others by snatching them from the fire; to others show mercy, mixed with fear—hating even the clothing stained by corrupted flesh.” Our job is to love the human who is perfectly human but hate the tainted flesh that desires the very actions and things that seek to destroy the person’s relationship with God. And this is a tough job to succeed at. 

    Throughout the living pages of the Bible, Jesus shows us how this is done. He shows us how to dine with the sinner, exude kindness to the ostracized and outcast, and forgive the unforgivable – right up to His very last breath on this fallen earth. “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing” (Luke 23:34). Jesus’s ultimate sacrifice on that tree demonstrated that flawed sinners are worthy of His compassion and love. He perfectly separated the human from his flaws. He gave His life so that we would have eternal life with Him, free from the stain of our fleshly desires.

    The Testing of Faith

    “He is a very flawed man, but he is still worthy of your compassion.” I have repeated these words over and over again lately. The past several months have been trying, and my faith has been put to the test repeatedly. And I have been hanging on to every last letter of that wisdom as I come to terms with a new revelation in the life of someone I love. Someone who needs me to love them despite their flaws. 

    Certain sins can change everything you know and think about a person. I recently heard, “Love the sinner, hate the sin.” As I said, I had listened to this statement before. However, this time, the words were used in context as I braced myself while learning of the sinful acts of someone close to me. My breath escaped me, with clouded vision and ringing ears. And yet I heard every syllable annunciated loud and clear as if it was commanded through a bullhorn. My heart and mind beckoned to the will of time to rewind a few minutes and let me go on in my blissful, naive state. It would be better that way. But instead, I would have to learn to separate sin from the soul – to love and hate simultaneously. 

    I want to report that I am handling this situation and challenge like a champ, but I regress that it has been hard to walk this line of love and hate. A line has been drawn in the sand, and I’ve battled with the ship-wrecking wind breaking my heart into millions of grain-sized pieces. Every time I draw the words “I love you” in the coarse yet soft combination of minerals and rocks, a wave erases that emotion. Again, I stare at the blank canvas before me while my fragile heart sways to the rhythm of the sea. How easy is it to bestow compassion on the victim? To the oppressed? But the challenge lies in extending this empathy to the oppressor. 

    For years, I’ve been faithfully and consistently writing in my prayer journal for God to teach me to love unconditionally or “love them anyways,” as I like to put it sometimes. I always thought I was good at loving. It’s easy to love, I decided. And I’ve been praying for this moment to love without conditions. To throw all reasoning and caution to the wind, channel my inner “Mother Teresa” and rise to the occasion. But I thought my test would be to love an unfriendly neighbor, an unruly child, or an old classmate who gossiped about me.  

    But that is not how God usually works. And I know from experience that if I write or will for God to teach me something, I must be willing to roll up my sleeves and dig deep. God often seems to lead me experientially with hands-on training, or hearts-on training in this case. I’ve been tasked with writing the second of The Greatest Commandment on double-lined paper, much like a child writes his spelling words. Committed to memory, etched in my heart, and lived out by my actions – I will learn to “Love my neighbor as myself” (Mark 12:31). And I’m adding the word ‘regardless’ here – to love without conditions means to love regardless of someone’s sins.

    What Does “Love the Sinner, Hate the Sin” Truly Mean?

    It doesn’t mean to condone the sin or turn a blind eye to it. It means to go against the grain and every natural impulse to associate the person with sin. After all, sin without repentance and salvation leads to death, and if we love someone, even our enemies, we want everlasting life for them. “Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death” (James 1:15). It certainly doesn’t mean to drop your boundaries or allow the sinner in your life when that person is your oppressor. However, there is a place in our hearts for everyone we come across, and our actions of love have the power to heal. 

    Hating sin also means we must humbly approach the fact that we are all sinners, taking inventory of our fleshly nature. Otherwise, we must bear the label of a hypocrite. “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye” (Matthew 7:3-5).

    It means we choose to love or to “love them anyways,” as I like to write it. And how do we do that? It takes prayer, faith, and courage, my friend. It takes small steps to uncast the stone hardening our hearts and fully trusting God with the command He asks of us. We must prepare to be tested and refined to learn how to be Christ-like. We must step uninhibited and fully willing to walk the road He has set for us. 

    As for me and this path God has me stumbling through, I will choose the actions of love and compassion until my heart and mind have time to catch up. I’m choosing love, even when it hurts. I’m loving the sinner while hating the sin.

    Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/ Blasius Erlinger

    Darcie Fuqua is a Business Analyst, Auburn Grad (War Eagle!), Christian blogger & podcast host, and mental health advocate. She is from the deep south of Alabama, where she currently resides with her husband, two energetic fun-loving boys, and a dog named Charlie. She loves sinking her toes in the sand, cuddling with her boys, and having great conversations over a table of good food. You can read more of her writing on her website www.leightonlane.com and connect with her on Facebook and Instagram. Check out Darcie’s latest project as cohost of Therapy in 10.

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    Darcie Fuqua

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  • Simone Biles And Fiancé Jonathan Owens Get Their Marriage License In Sweet Post

    Simone Biles And Fiancé Jonathan Owens Get Their Marriage License In Sweet Post

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    Simone Biles and her fiancé, NFL player Jonathan Owens, are on their way to say, “I do.”

    The Olympic gold medalist posted a photo on Instagram Friday of her and Owens seated together in a car with their marriage license issued by the state of Texas.

    “Almost time to say ‘I do,’” Biles captioned the post.

    The couple, who went public with their relationship in August 2020, got engaged in February 2022. Biles announced the engagement with a series of photos she posted on Instagram that captured the sweet moment Owens proposed to her in a gazebo in Houston.

    “THE EASIEST YES,” she wrote at the time. “I can’t wait to spend forever & ever with you, you’re everything I dreamed of and more!”

    Biles and Owens at the 2022 Game 1 of the 2022 World Series on October 28, 2022, in Houston, Texas. The gymnast told the media that she and her fiancé intend to marry in 2023.

    Carmen Mandato via Getty Images

    Biles has been celebrating her engagement with several pre-wedding festivities.

    Earlier this month, the Olympian posted a slideshow of photos from her bridal shower on Instagram, writing in the post’s caption that she was “feeling so loved & blessed.”

    In February, she shared a video on Instagram from her bachelorette celebration, calling the experience “epic.”

    Biles has previously told People that the wedding was set to take place in 2023 and that they were considering having it on a beach.

    “It’s just something that I’ve always wanted to do, and he was definitely on board with that,” she told People last year regarding the idea of a beach destination wedding. “So, we are very excited because we want it to be on the beach and maybe half inside, half outside.”

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  • 5 Ways to Love Your Unsaved Friends

    5 Ways to Love Your Unsaved Friends

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    Interestingly, Jesus chose 12 young men who, at the time, had no real relationship with God. They resided within the fringe of religiosity. They were Jews, yes, but not born-again believers in Jesus Christ. That didn’t happen until after Jesus’ death and resurrection. Until that time, they were disciples (“learners”) and friends of the man they hoped was the Messiah, the one who would redeem them from Roman rule.

    Does that surprise you: that Jesus chose unsaved, Jewish-born men to be his closest followers? That was his intention, honestly. He was sent by God to purposely “seek and save the lost” (Luke 19:10). Seek in Greek (zēteō) means “to search for, to crave.” Jesus intentionally searched out and craved relationships with those who were unregenerate, with those who were the antithesis of himself: sinless, pure, and holy.

    The reason I bring this up is that many believers today have unsaved friends in their circle of relationships, and they may feel guilty (or even ashamed) that they do. After all, some believers think that Christians should keep the unsaved at a distance, citing 1 Corinthians 15:33 as justification. Yet, we, of all people, should, like Jesus, be seeking out the unsaved, craving their friendship (though not their influence), with the intention of being ambassadors for the Almighty, out of obedience to fulfilling the Great Commission of “making disciples,” and with the hope of bringing these unsaved friends to the Light, to receive the free gift of grace through faith.

    I have unsaved friends and acquaintances. And I believe, based on Jesus’ example with his disciples, that that’s a good thing. From my own experience, here are a few ways (which are not exhaustive) to express our love to our unsaved friends. These can also apply to unsaved family members, co-workers, neighbors—anyone in your relationship sphere who doesn’t know Jesus as Savior and Lord.

    1. Value Them

    This should go without saying, but in fact, in our culture today, which is so fraught with polarization around issues, sometimes we believers can tend to—perhaps unknowingly and unintentionally—“devalue” those who hold opposite principles than us. We can tend to think less of them, dismiss them, and even pass judgment on them out of self-righteousness and false piety.

    But every person, whether we agree with them politically, morally, religiously, or ethically, has value for the simple fact that they are created by God and bear his image. Even in their sinful state, they still carry his imprint. They bear the common-grace markings of him through the expression of emotions, intellect, and creativity.

    So, first off, value each unsaved friend as a God-created, God-imprinted person. Look past their opinions, beliefs, and leanings. Look at them through the lens of Creation, based on Genesis 1:27: “So God created mankind in his image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them” (emphasis added).

    2. Accept Them

    Accept them where they’re at. The unsaved are going to act as, well, unsaved. Their souls, minds, and hearts are unregenerated. They will think, believe, and act out of their sin-nature. They will speak profanely, they will drink (often to excess), they will be promiscuous, and they will slander and hate. They will act foolishly, irrationally, and sinfully.

    Given this, we’re not to condemn them. Frankly, we should expect them act unbecomingly in their depravity. It should not shock us nor surprise us. After all, we once did, too, before we surrendered our lives to Jesus as Savior and to the Holy Spirit as Sanctifier (Titus 3:3).

    Therefore, God says we have no business passing judgment on our worldly-minded, worldly-living, unsaved friends, based on 1 Corinthians 5:12: “What business is it of mine to judge those outside the church? Are you not to judge those inside?”

    However, we aren’t to condone their behavior, either. We graciously accept them as a person without condoning their sinful choices. But when asked, we gently and respectfully tell them we don’t agree or approve of their behavior (1 Peter 3:16), and we use the opportunity to share how we are compelled, because of what Jesus did for us, to now live under the guidance of God’s ways.

    Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/PeopleImages 

    3. Listen to Them

    Oftentimes we think the best way to show love is to talk—even if it’s about God—when in actuality, it’s to listen. That old idiom, “God gave us one mouth and two ears,” rings true in this case. When people feel listened to—really listened to—they feel respected, valued, and cared about.

    Not to mention that God values a genuinely attentive listener. “Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: you must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry” (James 1:19).

    As people, they also have hopes and dreams, desires and aspirations, and pain and long-buried hurts, some of which may have been caused by the Church or other Christians. Listening to them helps us to build commonality with them, and compassion for them, especially in their suffering.

    Listening also breeds understanding. We may not agree with our friend’s views, but listening allows us to come to an understanding of how and why they think and believe the way they do. Furthermore, people like nothing more than to be understood and appreciated for their opinions, values, and beliefs, even if they’re on the wrong side of the Bible.

    Another benefit of listening—which was a new thought for me—is that it breeds patience in us, the listener. Says Mental Health Training in its podcast, “Sitting and listening to someone you disagree with is difficult. You will have to have patience. And if you haven’t already developed the necessary tolerance for this task, just the practice of hearing others more often will help you to create it. If you find you are struggling with the activity, try to remember you are listening to learn something new. You can also listen with the intent to ask questions, and this will help you focus on the words the other person is saying more carefully.”

    So, listen to learn and understand. Listen to show respect and value. Listen to cultivate patience and compassion.

    Conversely, listening will also earn you the right to be listened to. Tit for tat, so to speak. And then you have the wonderful opportunity to speak the truths of God, and your unsaved friend will likely be more apt to listen.

    4. Pray for Them

    “Prayer is the work,” someone once told me. How true that is. Prayer is the behind-the-scenes work in which all believers should be engaged. Prayer is the work of seeking open doors for Gospel witnessing, of building God’s Kingdom. James even tells us that “the prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective” (James 5:16).

    With regards to your unsaved friends (or whomever the Lord has burdened your heart with):

    5. Show Them Grace

    Jesus was God’s grace personified. He came not to condemn but to show grace to those who least deserved it: the sinners. He extended a helping hand to those who were suffering, a kind word to those who were desperate, and, when necessary, he spoke truth in confronting sin, yet with love. Grace upon grace.

    We should be God’s grace personified, as well, to our unsaved friends. We may be the only people who show them grace when they fail or sin grievously. Our extending grace to them when all others are judging and dismissing may just be what they need to experience for them to finally see their need for a Savior, to repent, and to receive salvation.

    Conclusion

    As believers in Christ, yes, we’re called to remain holy (“separate”) in our conduct and are not to conform to this world. But that isn’t justification to withdraw from the world or from its people. Quite the opposite. Distancing ourselves from the unsaved is not an option, nor is it biblical. Rather, Jesus told his disciples and us to “Go” into the world (“to all nations”) and to make disciples. And many times, that happens when we intentionally and prayerfully build genuine friendships with the unsaved.

    Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/Sarah Mason 

    denise kohlmeyer crosswalk authorDenise is a former newspaper reporter and current freelance writer. She has been published in numerous online and print publications. She is also a former Women’s Bible Study teacher. Denise’s passion is to use her writing to bless, encourage, and inform others. She lives outside of Chicago with her husband and two children (another has grown and flown). You can find Denise at denisekohlmeyer.com.

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  • 4 Steps to Take When You Need to Forgive Someone

    4 Steps to Take When You Need to Forgive Someone

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    The last step is to just say yes and forgive. As Nike would say, “just do it.” However, when you forgive, do it sincerely and completely. When you do this and you release the person who hurt you, you are actually releasing yourself.

    Unforgiveness is a prison that you walk into and willingly lock the door behind you. It keeps you trapped in the past and hinders you from living fully and freely in the present. Therefore, it hurts your future. I am not saying this from a place of condemnation. I am saying this from a place of experience because I was the one who was trapped. When I came to the place where I forgave, the unnecessary weight I was carrying was gone and it made me wonder why I waited so long to do this.

    How Do You Know When You Have Forgiven Someone?

    As I wrap this up, there is this last question to address. How do you know when you have truly forgiven someone who hurt you? Here are two quick answers.

    The first is when you remember the hurt, but the sting is gone. There really is no such thing as forgive and forget because our minds don’t work that way. Only God can forgive and forget. However, you can get to the place where, even though you remember the offense, it no longer hurts and you don’t hold it against that person.

    The second way you know you have forgiven is when you can do something towards that person which you could not do before. This might be as simple as praying sincerely for them, having a conversation with them, sharing a meal, writing a letter, or sending a card for their birthday. Whatever the action is, it is one you could not do before, but you can do now.

    Conclusion

    Let me recap the 4 steps to help you forgive others.  

    1. Perspective

    2. Remember

    3. Acknowledge

    4. Yes

    If you caught it the acronym is P.R.A.Y. When you are struggling with unforgiveness, then remember P.R.A.Y. and don’t just remember it as an acronym, but also as an action, because as you pray, God will empower you to help you choose to forgive.

    Photo credit: ©Getty Images/seb_ra

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    Clarence L. Haynes Jr.

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  • 5 Things That Hurt Relationships with Grandkids

    5 Things That Hurt Relationships with Grandkids

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    My children have been blessed to have consistent, weekly, sometimes daily interaction with their grandparents. But unfortunately, this isn’t always a gift for some families. Even within our own, we’ve experienced conflict and tensions that can—if left unresolved—hurt the relationship between grandparent and child.

    There’s no question that a healthy relationship between grandparents and grandchildren is a wonderful thing. Often, what can be overlooked, is that the bridge between them is the parent. Ripples can begin to affect the peace when that isn’t taken into account, and sometimes, all-out fights may ensue.

    Let me give an example.

    A few years ago, one of my children let a word fly that – in our house – is as generic as exclaiming “darn!” It’s not of four-letter word severity, nor was it swearing or taking the Lord’s name in vain. However, my parents weren’t particularly fond of this very popular and prevalent word. When my child used it, they were reprimanded and schooled on the impropriety of the word. My child came home in tears. My parents were unaware of the effect the incident had on my child. My husband was upset that my parents attempted to “parent” our child about something we have not made a disciplinary issue. The tension became inevitable. By cutting out my husband and myself from the disciplinary lecture for my children, my parents infringed guilt on my children for doing something wrong; they also started to worry that both my husband and I were “naughty” (Since we frequently use the word). While it did get resolved through explanation, compromise, and a willingness on both parties to listen, it could have easily become a wedge.

    My parents had to resolve themselves that their daughter and her husband had a different set of standards. My children had to learn that different sets of standards exist and that it doesn’t make the grandparents or parents on either side wrong, but rather, just different. They also learned to respect the boundaries in each home and recognized that this particular situation wasn’t a sin issue, and they weren’t disrespecting God when they used the word.

    A three-cord strand binds a family together in these situations: Grandparents, parents, and children. If not recognized, respected, and maneuvered carefully, situations (even minor ones) can create rifts and hurt the relationship we cherish between grandparent and grandchild. So, what are some obvious distinctive things to avoid when trying to protect that relationship and not hurt it for the long haul?

    1. Be conscientious of parental authority. 

    As grandparents, it can be extremely difficult when you disagree with how your children are raising your grandchildren. Whether it’s minor or something more major, it can create anxiety and even frustration within you. But challenging parental authority will typically only succeed in alienation. Instead, tread respectfully. Your influence in your grandchildren’s lives is far more important than making your point or even correcting your own children. There will more than likely be moments you can have honest, non-volatile conversations with your children. In the meantime, be aware of the guidelines they have set, honor them as much as possible, and spend the time you have investing in your grandchildren’s lives.

    2. They’re not yours. 

    As hard as it is sometimes, remember your grandchildren are not yours. This means you really have no “rights” to them, as much as it feels that you do. Demanding time with them, insisting that things be arranged to fit your lifestyle, or lecturing your children on how to raise your grandchildren will not inspire a healthy relationship.

    Boundaries within this relationship dynamic are important. Recognizing your place as supplemental and not parental will be key to having a healthy relationship and regular visits with your grandchildren.

    3. Saying “yes.”

    Grandparents are known for spoiling their grandkids. As a parent, I both love and despise this. Despise, because it makes me less popular than Grandma. Hee, hee. But truthfully, saying “yes” to the grandkids too often can result in hurting the relationship you have with them. Remember, your grandkids don’t need to be bought with things, but rather, your time, your investment of you, and your love. Too many yeses can breed entitlement, and your role as a grandparent will potentially be redefined as the fairy godmother who grants wishes rather than a loving role model.

    Being aware of the balance is important. Granted, as a grandparent, you can probably afford to say “yes” more often than a parent. Still, your grandchildren still need to understand and enjoy the security that comes with guidelines, boundaries, and a well-placed “no.”

    4. Distancing yourself.

     Sometimes geography cannot be helped. Miles between you may be a necessary evil that you must live with. However, if you are within easy distance of your grandchildren, you’ll want to be aware that distancing yourself from them can be as damaging as expecting to see them whenever and wherever you wish.

    What does “distancing” mean? It means not showing interest, including, or inviting your grandchildren into your world. It’s important that your own social life or hobbies don’t overtake your time to the extent you sacrifice time with the grandkids. Have your kids called and asked you to watch the grandchildren? What’s your response? Granted, life has obligations, but have you made your grandchildren a necessary part of your life and time?

    Remember, if you don’t foster a relationship with them while they’re little, as they age, they will likely age out of being interested in time with you.

    5. Be a safe place.

    Grandparents should be a safe haven for their grandchild. Obvious morals and virtues aside, there are other areas where safety can become a wedge that may hurt the relationship. Consider the bedtime stories you’re telling, the shows/cartoons you allow them to watch, the music you expose them to, etc. It’s not uncommon that grandparents may have a different grade by which they measure what is and isn’t appropriate. Do you also respect those of your grandchildren’s parents?

    Also, a difficult topic may be aging and your ability to offer a safe environment for your grandchild. Are your driving skills where they need to be for safety? Are you physically capable of caring for the grandchild? While it may be agony to be honest and realize your faculties are diminishing, it may hurt the relationship with your grandchild when you insist that you’re capable of various things and your children push back—on behalf of their children—with question/doubt that you are. Be honest with yourself and them. Recognize your limitations, if there are any, in order to preserve the relationship you can have with your grandchild.

    There is no perfect equation to grandparenting—the same as I’ve discovered there’s none to parenting either. So much of it seems like common sense, and yet our personalities, convictions, restrictions, and commitments can get in the way of quality relationships.

    Your grandchildren will cherish time with you. Your children will cherish your investment in their children. But it does require communication, cooperation, respect, and healthy boundaries. Even in situations with extremely difficult or delicate tensions, first and foremost, your relationship with your grandchild/children needs to be safeguarded. This may mean biting your tongue, hitting your knees in fervent prayer, or compromising.

    Remember, you are planting in your grandchildren seeds of legacy. That legacy will live with them long after you have passed on.

    Photo credit: ©Pexels/Juan Pablo Serrano Arenas

    Jaime Jo Wright is the winner of the Carol, Daphne du Maurier, and INSPY Awards. She’s also the Publishers Weekly and ECPA bestselling author of three novellas. The Christy Award-Winning author of “The House on Foster Hill”, Jaime Jo Wright resides in the hills of Wisconsin writing suspenseful mysteries stained with history’s secrets. Jaime lives in dreamland, exists in reality, and invites you to join her adventures at jaimewrightbooks.com!

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  • 3 Reasons Why “He Who Finds a Wife Finds a Good Thing”

    3 Reasons Why “He Who Finds a Wife Finds a Good Thing”

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    All the fixings of a pasta dinner were nearly ready when my phone chirped at me again. It was Chris, he texted me how he really felt a work meeting long after the workday was over. 

    Stressed, he sent me the head explosion emoji. I smiled, texted back, “No worries babe. I’ll keep supper warm for you.”

    “So glad I have you,” he texted back. Over the next hour, he would text compliments in between complaints about the work meeting. Later when he walked in the door, his face lit up when he saw me and supper waiting. 

    “How did I find such a good wife?” he commented while he added Buitoni to his plate. 

    I wasn’t always an accommodating wife. But over the years, my heart has softened towards Chris and the pressures of his job. We’ve come full circle and the journey wouldn’t be complete without each other. 

    I learned over the years of restoring our house that marriage is much like the construction of a home. The way I support him is what carpenters call sister joists.

    In the early phases of restoring our home, we found one of the main joists was carrying more than its fair share of the load. The previous owners wanted an open concept for the living room and dining room, but they didn’t reinforce the joist properly and it was in dire need of a sister joist. 

    Joists in the structure of a home are designed to carry a certain load and sometimes sister joists are added to help the main joist become more structurally sound. Sometimes these joists are added when a new load will be heavier than the previous design. Finding a good wife is like adding a sister joist. 

    Where Does this Phrase Appear in the Bible?

    This phrase comes from Proverbs 18:22. It says, “He who finds a wife finds a good thing, And obtains favor from the Lord” (NKJV). 

    A man cannot attain anything better than a good wife. “An excellent wife who can find? She is far more precious than jewels” (Proverbs 31:10).  Such a good wife is hard to find. 

    The word excellent (hayil) can mean “strength, capability, valor, or dignity.” This woman exemplifies each of these qualities, having great competence, noble character, and a strong commitment to God and her family. 

    Only the Lord can provide such an excellent woman. This good woman is a priceless gift from God.

    So, what is a good wife? The Bible says a wife is a help-meet, a partner, a virtuous woman with the grace of God upon her. She is her husband’s crown jewel, his lover, his confidant, the mother of his children and so many more things. 

    Let’s celebrate 3 reasons why when a man finds a wife, he finds a good thing!

    1. She Supports You

    One of the best things about being in a marriage is knowing your partner has your back through the ups and downs life will inevitably bring. When it comes to having a wife, men have said there is nothing better than the knowledge and the trust that comes when they know their wives support them.

    God didn’t create Eve to be under Adam’s feet or to be inferior to him. When the design of marriage became a construction zone, God saw it fit to create a sister joist. Eve was designed and built to support Adam. This was the construction and structure of the first marriage.

    “And the Lord God said, ‘It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him’ ” (Gen. 2:18). The word helper means one who aids another. Thus the woman was created because the man needed help from someone that could aid him in his responsibilities. 

    This same word helper is used in reference to the Lord Himself. David said concerning God: “The helpless commits himself to You; You are the helper of the fatherless” (Ps. 10:14). Jesus also called the Holy Spirit our Helper who would be sent to aid us in our service to the Father (John 14:16). 

    Take note, that Eve was created to be comparable to Adam. The word comparable means one who is a counterpart or the matching mate of the other. 

    A house is just a house until the use of your talents, soul, personality and nurturing make it a home. It’s been said, a wife is the heart of the home. That’s because wives see her husband’s and children’s and meets them. 

    Wives have the ability to add warmth in the day to day routine. Wives, more than anyone or anything, have the greatest impact to the future on their husband, children and home. Their development, character, and destiny are in her hands because a wife is there to support her man. 

    A wife is there to support her man when work is demanding. A wife is there to support her man when he faces challenging situations. To remind him of his abilities and talents. To remind him of who he is as a man of God.

    A wife is there to support her man to give him the ability to accomplish more. To turn his recklessness into boldness. To replace his insecurity with confidence. 

    How amazing it is to have a godly woman who is there to support you. 

    2. Her Body Speaks Peace to You 

    When a man looks forward to going home, it’s because his wife has become his home. Her words, her tone, her smile, and her knowledge of who he is, speaks peace to her husband.

    Paul reminds us, “In the same way, their wives are to be women worthy of respect, not malicious talkers but temperate and trustworthy in everything” (1 Timothy 3:11). In other words, this is a woman who is not overly proud, knows when to speak and when to be silent, and is able to take her place beside her husband in confidence. 

    Peace is the result of trust. It’s the calm assurance that comes from knowing your partner can be counted on. 

    It allows your spouse to feel safe, it deepens his love and causes friendship, emotional, physical, and spiritual intimacy to blossom. Her body speaks peace because she embraces him with open arms, her lips are filled with laughter, and her words are filled with peace. 

    When trust is lacking in a marriage, suspicion and fear begin to dominate causing the relationship to feel very insecure. He doesn’t need to worry about nagging, cold shoulders, a cold bed and withering looks.

    One of the Old Testament words for trust (batach) has a meaning of “confidence that causes one to care-less.” Your man trusts you because you are his support, his security, his place of safety. When he is around you, he can let his guard down. He knows he is accepted and loved. 

    3. She Meets Your Desires

    A good wife meets her husband’s desires.

    Your thoughts may have drifted to the bedroom, and while this is a big part of a healthy marriage—we’re talking about all of his desires from his wife:

    His desire to be respected.

    His desire for her loyalty.

     His desire for her to nurture his children.

    His desire for her to take care of her health and appearance.

    His desire for her to let him lead.

    His desire for her to be happy with all that he provides.

    His desire for recreational companionship with her.

    Proverbs 31:10-11 reminds us: “An excellent wife who can find? She is far more precious than jewels. The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain. She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life.” 

    Husbands looks to his wife to meet the desires of his heart. He can get respect from his workplace, he can get companionship from his friends, he can admire other women, but he wants and needs these things from her—his wife. 

    Women, you truly are your man’s treasure. You are the good thing is his life. You are valuable to him.

    When he finds you as a wife he obtains favor from the Lord. You are his blessing. You are the love of his life. 

    Continue to be a good thing in his life: woo him, love him, smile often. Be his help-meet, be his cheerleader and brag about him often. Be his sister joist. Be the good thing.

    Related Resource: Listen to our new, FREE podcast on marriage: Team Us. The best marriages have a teamwork mentality. Find practical, realistic ideas for strengthening your marriage. Listen to an episode here, and then head over to LifeAudio.com to check out all of our episodes:

    Heather Riggleman calls Nebraska home (Hey, it’s not for everyone) with her three kids and husband of 20 years. She writes to bring bold truths to marriage, career, mental health, faith, relationships, celebration and heartache. Heather is an author and a former national award-winning journalist. Her work has also been featured on Proverbs 31 Ministries, MOPS, Today’s Christian Woman and Focus On the Family. You can find her at heatherriggleman.com or connect with her on Instagram.  

    Photo Credit: © Getty Images/OJO_Images

    Heather Riggleman is a believer, wife, mom, author, social media consultant, and full-time writer. She lives in Minden, Nebraska with her kids, high school sweetheart, and three cats who are her entourage around the homestead. She is a former award-winning journalist with over 2,000 articles published. She is full of grace and grit, raw honesty, and truly believes tacos can solve just about any situation. You can find her on GodUpdates, iBelieve, Crosswalk, Hello Darling, Focus On The Family, and in Brio Magazine. Connect with her at www.HeatherRiggleman.com or on Facebook.  

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    Heather Riggleman

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  • How to Have a Meaningful Quiet Time Together in Your Marriage

    How to Have a Meaningful Quiet Time Together in Your Marriage

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    What is quiet time? It is a designated time set apart from your busy day to connect with God. It can include many different elements of prayer, reading the Word, scripture meditation, or reading a devotional. It is important to remember that we are not only spending time with God so that He can hear from us but allowing space for stillness to listen to God. This is a huge element of having a relationship with the Lord.

    If you are married, it is important to have quiet time alone with God and also to set aside time as a couple to hear from the Lord.

    Marriage is hard. Marriage with children, jobs, responsibilities, and all the other things is even harder. Setting aside quiet time together is crucial to secure a solid foundation for our marriage and family. Not just time to be alone but time to pray and read God’s Word.

    The enemy will target marriages, having them believe lies that quiet time together is not necessary or that there just isn’t time.

    Making quiet time together a priority won’t only strengthen your marriage but also your family. Reading and praying together will soften your hearts toward one another and give you the strength and grace to deal with conflict.

    It can be challenging to balance family life and set aside time together, but if you are intentional about it, it is more than possible. Once you start to see the benefits of spending time together in the stillness of the Lord, you will begin to crave this time together and feel the void when you don’t.

    Set Aside a Designated Time

    This can be the most challenging part. When you have a million other things going on in your home, how can you set aside 15-30 minutes without distraction?

    Your family is unique, and there is not a one size fits all solution to this. It may look different from day to day and week to week. Begin praying separately about what God wants this to look like for you in your marriage and family life.

    This may mean waking up ten minutes before the chaos begins to hold hands in prayer for the day. It may mean turning off the TV after the kids are asleep and pulling out a Bible reading plan or a study to work through together. We often can find things that we can eliminate in our lives to make space for God.

    It may even mean getting a babysitter once a week so you can spend thirty minutes at a local coffee shop going over a book of the Bible.

    Whatever time you have available and wherever you can conjure up a bit of time alone, use it wisely. Ask the Lord to bless your time, and He will, no matter when or how it happens. Just start, and God will bless you for that.

    Pick Your Resource

    Nothing is more frustrating than wanting to study God’s Word but having no idea where to start. Numerous resources are out there to get you started, which can be overwhelming. Even if it is simply reading the Bible through a year or planning what book you will go through, that is a good place to start.

    However, do not overwhelm yourselves; you can start with one book of the Bible. You can read several passages together in several different translations to pull out different meanings. Let the Lord lead you in this time; you may find something unique just for the two of you.

    MOST IMPORTANT: Don’t forget to PRAY before you begin and ask the Lord to speak to you.

    In Hebrews 4:12, we read, “For the Word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.”

    Although there are valuable resources to help us navigate the Bible and to learn from God, His Word needs to be the foundation of our study.

    If you want to jump into a resource, here are a few simple ones to get you started:

    You Version APP

    Click here.

    This Bible app has hundreds of reading plans that you can incorporate into your quiet time. There are plans for marriage, family, parenting, you name it. This is a simple and fun way to get into the Word.

    Bible ReCap

    Click here.

    This is a valuable resource for reading through the entire Bible chronologically. You can read 2-3 chapters daily and then listen to a 5-8 minute podcast explaining what you just read. This will spur much deep conversation and help you both understand the Word of God better.

    Daily Grace Co.

    Click here.

    This is a company that specializes in Biblical study and resources. They have workbooks on many topics that help you navigate through a book of the Bible or a certain topic. They always offer discounts and sales, so this is an easy way to connect in the short time you can be together.

    Pray

    Photo credit: ©GettyImages/pcess609

    One of the most valuable ways to spend quiet time together is to pray. Perhaps, keep a prayer journal where you write down everything that needs prayer. You can record how God came through for your family and see God’s faithfulness show up time and time again. This will strengthen your faith and build trust in your spouse.

    When you pray, be sure to pray for and thank God for each other. When my husband and I were in premarital counseling, our Pastor suggested that we pray for and thank God for each other every night before we went to sleep. We have held this tradition for over eight years now. Of course, it is not always consistent or perfect, but we have seen God work miracles in our lives because of this prayer time.

    When we audibly hear our spouse thank God for us and what we do for the family, it builds trust and confidence in our marriage and our spouse. It brings you closer together as you can tether onto a direct connection to God with your spouse. This truly is what it means to be one flesh, as the Word says.

    Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. Genesis 2:24

    Again, don’t be overwhelmed by the notion of needing to add one more thing to your already very full plate. God knows where you and your spouse are and exactly what you are capable of. This doesn’t mean He won’t stretch you or ask new things from you, but you can rest assured that God has a specific plan for your marriage and how He wants to enter into your union.

    Just simply start by lifting the idea of a quiet time to the Lord and watch Him work powerfully in your marriage.

    Photo credit: ©GettyImages/andreswd

    Heidi Vegh is a writer, speaker, and ministry leader living in Gig Harbor, WA. She is a remarried mother of four, navigating the blended family life after the loss of her first husband to cancer in 2013. She longs to use her writing as a way to encourage others who have experienced loss and guide them on the road to healing. She contributes to her blog found at thebreathingmama.com, sharing stories and devotionals of faith stemming from her loss and healing, mothering, and her blended and complex family. She graduated from Southern New Hampshire University with a degree in Creative Writing and English and is working on her first book. Heidi is the Women’s Ministry Director at Gig Harbor Foursquare and has a deep heart for sharing Jesus with women and encouraging them in their faith walk. When she is not writing she loves to travel, read, craft, and experiment in the kitchen. Visit her Facebook and Instagram (@mrsheidivegh) to learn more.

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    Heidi Vegh

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  • A Letter for the Socially Anxious Spouse Married to a Social Spouse

    A Letter for the Socially Anxious Spouse Married to a Social Spouse

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    One night, my husband and I were standing together, examining the items on a store shelf. I noticed a man walking up pretty close to us. I nervously found what I needed, smiled, and moved out of his way. As I am walking away, my husband begins talking to this stranger. After quite a few minutes of endless talking, I realized this conversation was not reaching an endpoint. I practically had to pull my husband away. We joked about it as we walked off that I avoid social interaction at all costs, but my husband seeks out the opportunity to engage with others. His words just flow off the tongue.

    I do not share this same gift, and maybe you or your spouse don’t either. I don’t know who you are in this scenario, but I can probably guess that, since you are reading this, you are one way while your spouse is another. I enjoy that my husband and I balance each other out, but I do not enjoy it at the moment of anxiety, being faced with the realization that while my husband is flourishing, I feel like I am failing. But how can we balance each other out in a way that feels safe but doesn’t feel limiting?

    Voice Your Fears

    My husband and I have always been open and honest with each other. But there have been many times that I expect him to know what is going on in my head, even without me telling him. I think we have all been there. But expecting understanding from someone without voicing your struggle is a surefire way to initiate hurt feelings for you or both of you. 

    “Share each other’s burdens, and in this way obey the law of Christ.” ‭‭Galatians‬ ‭6‬:‭2‬ ‭NLT‬‬

    Be a Place of Safety

    In return, if your spouse voices his or her fears, this is your opportunity to be a place of safety for their worries. You may not be able to fix it, but you can be a voice of reason and an encouraging motivator through their fear. They are clinging to you for support in those moments. Do not hang them out to dry or make light of their struggle through break-the-ice jokes. 

    “In the same way, you husbands must give honor to your wives. Treat your wife with understanding as you live together. She may be weaker than you are, but she is your equal partner in God’s gift of new life. Treat her as you should so your prayers will not be hindered. Finally, all of you should be of one mind. Sympathize with each other. Love each other as brothers and sisters. Be tenderhearted, and keep a humble attitude.” ‭‭1 Peter‬ ‭3‬:7-‭8‬ ‭NLT‬‬

    Create a Plan Together

    My husband and I always have a plan for when it is time to leave a gathering. I am terrible at goodbyes, so I need to know ahead of time what kind of time frame we are looking at and what our reason for leaving is so I can prepare myself for when our time of departure comes. Similarly, we discuss different conversation topics or examples of what I should say in response to themes I am expecting will come up.

    “Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed.” ‭‭Ecclesiastes‬ ‭4‬:‭9‬ NLT‬‬

    Let Your Spouse Lead

    And as you guessed it, I prefer my husband to lead me into a gathering and out of a gathering. He has a much better way with words. As a southerner, departing from someone’s house is not as simple as saying goodbye. It is a 30-minute ordeal to get out the door and 30 more minutes in the driveway. Allowing your spouse to lead is not a sign of weakness but a display of your oneness as God designed. Let him or her make the transition smooth for both of you. That plan you created together prior to your social engagement, stick to it, and work together to see it through to completion.

    “And further, submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.”

    “As the Scriptures say, “A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.”” ‭‭Ephesians‬ ‭5‬:‭21‬, ‭31‬ ‭NLT‬‬

    (I encourage you to read Ephesians 5:21-33.)

    Remind Your Spouse How Important Their Role Is

    We know that it can be exhausting going through all this “extra work” just to spend time with others. We may easily admit that we feel like a burden at times, but our hope is that you also see how important your role is to us. Your piece in this puzzle is crucial to us. Just as God created Eve to be a helper for Adam, you are my helper. You and your needs are important to me.

    “Now the Lord God said, “It is not good (beneficial) for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper [one who balances him—a counterpart who is] suitable and complementary for him.”” ‭‭Genesis‬ ‭2‬:‭18‬ ‭AMP‬‬

    Encourage Your Spouse to Find Safety in Christ

    There is nowhere we can go that is out of the presence of God. We are never, ever alone. We may feel alone, like we are drowning in our fears and need for isolation. But we are held in the palm of His hand. We can find safety in His ability to care for us. I know the burden can feel heavy, but we hope that you know just how important you are in reminding us that God has got us.

    “And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.” ‭‭Romans‬ ‭8‬:‭38‬-‭39‬ ‭NLT‬‬

    Seek to Understand

    You understand your ability to engage and work well with others, but maybe you don’t understand how or why your spouse is uncomfortable. You understand your fear of communicating and being in the presence of others, but maybe you don’t understand how your spouse can be so carefree in this moment. Find common ground to understand what the other is feeling. Make a decision to see your spouse’s struggle or confidence in this specific situation. Try to see life through their eyes. Remind yourself that no matter what side you are standing on, you are understood by your Heavenly Father. Trust that He will make a way for you in this moment and every moment after.

    “Just as our bodies have many parts and each part has a special function, so it is with Christ’s body. We are many parts of one body, and we all belong to each other. In his grace, God has given us different gifts for doing certain things well. So if God has given you the ability to prophesy, speak out with as much faith as God has given you.” ‭‭Romans‬ ‭12‬:‭4‬-‭6‬ ‭NLT‬

    Prayer

    The most powerful gift that directly connects us with the Father is our prayers. Pray over and with your spouse. God is our help and refuge. He sees us in the midst of our struggles. We can only do so much, but God can do abundantly more and will work all things out for good. 

    “And this is the confidence that we have toward him, that if we ask anything according to his will he hears us. And if we know that he hears us in whatever we ask, we know that we have the requests that we have asked of him.” 1 John 5:14-15 ESV

    No matter what highs or lows we experience in marriage, we should always experience them together as one body before Christ. It can be hard to understand something we do not personally experience, but we can seek to understand how we can help our spouse through it. We do not have to experience it to extend hope and understanding, but we can work together in order to succeed.

    Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/fizkes

    Laura Spurlin is a Christian, wife to her high school sweetheart, mama to her kiddos, nurse, and writer that has a passion for sharing what the Lord puts on her heart about motherhood, mental health, and all things in the Word of God.

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    Laura Spurlin

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  • Are You a Young Grandparent? Here Are 5 Ways This Can Be a Blessing

    Are You a Young Grandparent? Here Are 5 Ways This Can Be a Blessing

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    Becoming a grandparent is a milestone event that brings many blessings. However, when you find yourself in this role relatively young, you might wonder if you’re ready for the responsibility.

    My husband and I became grandparents at 41 – something we never expected. All sorts of doubts went through our minds as we still had young children at home and didn’t know what would be expected of us.

    However, our doubts flew out the window with one glance at our newborn grandson. The blessing we held in our arms brought things into perspective and realigned us with our God-given purpose. It’s been eleven years since that day, and we now see how God turned our apprehensions into one of the greatest blessings on this side of heaven.

    If you’re a young grandparent, here is why it can be a blessing:

    1. You Have the Energy to Keep Up with Them

    Recently, I was jogging alongside my grandkids as they rode their scooters. My oldest grandson said, “Wow, Nana, I can’t believe you can jog!” His statement made me laugh, and also thank God that I had the energy to keep up with them. These kinds of blessings make me realize how wonderful it is to be a young grandparent.

    While our grandkids will wear us out from time to time, we can do many things to stay active and keep up. Here are a few activities to consider:

    -Hiking, biking, or swimming

    -Camping or nature walks

    -Playing basketball

    -Playing tennis

    -Playing ping-pong

    Not only can we engage in physical activities with our grandkids, but we can also enjoy the things they’re involved in, such as sports, music, art, 4-H, and other school clubs. Being a young grandparent gives us the energy we need to be active with our grandkids and enjoy every minute.

    2. You Can Keep Up with the Trends

    Photo credit: ©GettyImages/monkeybusinessimages

    With today’s technology, grandparents need to be in the know and try to keep up with some trends. Notice I said some of the trends – as not all of them are beneficial for our grandchildren or us.

    Whether posting funny TikTok videos or looking up silly memes, our grandkids will love it when we engage in the things they’re interested in. Here are ways to keep up with the latest trends while still being a positive influence on your grandchildren:

    -Be interested in fashion trends while still encouraging modesty.

    -Know who they follow on social media and advise them to use caution.

    -Watch movies that are both entertaining and clean.

    -Listen to the music they like while pointing out questionable lyrics.

    -Go to concerts, sports events, and festivals.

    Remember, you can have fun with your grandkids and be tuned in to the latest trends while still maintaining Godly standards. Hopefully, they will pick up on your boundaries and begin to ask questions that can lead to more discussions from the Bible. Ultimately, we want to connect with our grandchildren in such a way that they will also be encouraged by our faith.

    3. You’ll Watch Them Grow Up

    As a young grandparent, you have the advantage of seeing your grandchildren reach important milestones such as their first steps, first words, and the first day of school. You get to witness their growth and development firsthand and be there to provide support and encouragement as they navigate life’s challenges. And Lord willing, you’ll get to see your grandchildren reach adulthood, get married, and have their own children one day.

    Psalm 145:4 says, “One generation commends your works to another; they tell of your mighty acts.” And the Psalmist says, in Psalm 71:18, “So even to old age and gray hairs, O God, do not forsake me, until I proclaim your might to another generation, your power to all those to come.”

    Watching our grandchildren grow up is a precious blessing from God. Let’s take every opportunity afforded to us to share the Good News of the Gospel and encourage a relationship with Jesus.

    Each passing year is another reason to thank God for His provision over us and be intentional in the lives of our grandchildren.

    4. You’re Able to Help Their Parents

    A family on a couch

    Photo Credit: ©iStock/Getty Images Plus/nd3000

    We have the opportunity to provide support to our grandkids and assist their parents on this journey called “parenthood.” As we all know, parenting is not for the faint-hearted; sometimes, our kids just need a break. Young grandparenting allows us to step in when needed and offer whatever help we can.

    -Babysitting/Keeping the grandchildren overnight

    -Providing Meals/House cleaning

    -Running errands

    -Offering a listening ear

    -Doing life together

    I believe it’s God’s design for families to support each other and be available. When we become grandparents at a young age, we have even more opportunities to help our children raise their children and fulfill God’s plan. What a blessing to have the energy and resources to be able to help our kids as they parent our grandchildren!

    5. You’ll Have Many Years to Share Jesus with Them

    Sharing Jesus with our grandkids is the most important thing we could ever do, and being a young grandparent affords us a few extra years to talk about the Savior and live by example. Our greatest hope is that all our grandchildren will come to know the Lord as their personal Savior, and we have the opportunity to plant seeds and water them as they grow.

    As a young mom, I rarely felt like I had the time to stop what I was doing and give my children undivided attention. But as a grandparent, I want each of my grandkids to know I am here to listen and encourage them.

    Intending to pass on my faith, I pray for God-given opportunities to share Jesus and point my grandchildren to the Savior. I believe this is my primary role as a grandparent, and I hope to live long enough to see the fruit of it.

    Despite my unpreparedness to become a grandparent early in life, I have come to realize that it was always part of God’s divine plan. Having grandchildren is an abundant blessing, and earnestly embracing our role with purpose and grace is an honor and a privilege.

    Photo credit: ©GettyImages/LuckyBusiness

    Jennifer WaddleJennifer Waddle is the author of several books, including Prayer WORRIER: Turning Every Worry into Powerful Prayer, and is a regular contributor for LifeWay, Crosswalk, Abide, and Christians Care International. Jennifer’s online ministry is EncouragementMama.com where you can find her books and sign up for her weekly post, Discouragement Doesn’t Win. She resides with her family near the foothills of the Rocky Mountains—her favorite place on earth. 

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    Jennifer Waddle

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  • How to Stop Your Marriage from Drifting

    How to Stop Your Marriage from Drifting

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    “I don’t feel close to my husband,” Jane said to me, her husband sitting right next to her. She had shared this in response to me asking what she and her husband wanted out of their Marriage Intensive. 

    “Why is that?” I asked, wondering why she would say something like this, given she and her husband, Darren had been married for over 10 years. 

    “He works 10 hours a day, has an hour commute, and I and the kids get an exhausted man when he gets home.”

    Darren stiffened at her words. 

    “The first thing I do,” he said defensively, “is come and greet you. I don’t know what more you want from me.” 

    “I want a lot more,” she said softly. “I want companionship. I want to know what is going on inside you. I want to feel closely connected to you. That’s why we are at this Intensive.” 

    “I tell you about my workday,” he continued. “That’s what’s going on inside me. I tell you the problems I’m having in the office. That’s all I have inside me.” 

    Darren appeared to be getting very defensive and agitated. 

    “She says this to me all the time,” he said, clearly exasperated. “I just don’t know what else she wants and it makes me mad.” 

    “Can you tell him?” she asked, looking to me. “I’ve shared it all before. He’s heard me rant about needing vulnerability from him. Can you tell him?”

    “Maybe,” I said. “But, I’m betting you can share more. Why don’t you turn to him and tell him the perfect evening? What would you like to have happen and let’s see if he is able to connect with you?”

    “Connection,” she said quickly. “That’s the word. I want connection. I want vulnerability. I want to know what you are feeling, what you want out of life.” 

    “Okay,” I said. “Tell him what the perfect evening would look like. How would it feel? What exactly would happen?” 

    Jane launched into complaints about the way the evening typically unfolded, with Darren arriving home, turning on the television, or checking his emails. She noted how he busied himself with tasks needing his attention around the home. 

    “I’d still like you to tell him the perfect evening,” I said. 

    She shared the following: 

    “Okay. I’d like you to come in the door ready to relate with me. I’d like you to turn off your cell phone, sit down with me and the kids for a nice dinner and then help me get the kids to bed. Then, after the kids are down, I’d like us to sit and talk about our lives. I’d like us to dream together—where we want to go on vacation, whether we want to downsize our house, how involved we want to be in church, ways for us to develop more friends together. I want you to take an interest in me, asking me about my dreams and hopes. I want you to share those same things with me. I want us to share our feelings with each other.” 

    “Wow,” Darren said. “I don’t do feelings and I don’t do a lot of dreaming. I’m busy taking care of problems at work and at home.” 

    “Yes,” Jane said. “I know. But, I want us to be vulnerable with each other. That’s the way I really feel close to you. I want you to be as excited and interested in me as you are in your work.” 

    Having this conversation with me was a critical turning point for Darren and Jane and many others who find themselves drifting emotionally. While many couples spend time together, it is often filled with distraction, exhaustion, and tension. Marriage cannot thrive in such an atmosphere.

    Couples often drift apart. It rarely happens in an instance, but rather a slow disintegration over time. 

    In a display of vulnerability, much like what is needed in marriage, the Apostle Paul says these words to the church in Corinth: 

    “We have spoken freely to you, Corinthians; and opened wide our hearts to you. We are not withholding our affections from you, but you are withholding yours from us… open wide your hearts also.” (2 Corinthians 6: 11-13)

    Let’s discuss how this couple and others can work together on this critical issue of vulnerable communication: 

    First, be honest with each other about your current connection. While it may be painful, share with each other how you feel about your connection. Be honest. Discuss such topics of emotional connection, how you spend your time, whether you are having fun in your marriage and enjoying physical intimacy. Share personally and vulnerably.   

    Second, share with each other what real connection looks like to you. Don’t get stuck talking only about what is not happening in your marriage. Talk about what you’d like to see happen. Be specific, sharing exactly how you’d like to spend your time and what would make your marriage more exciting and connected. Take an active interest in your mate, rediscovering them again. What dreams do you have? What dreams would you like to have?  

    Third, make plans for developing intimacy, connection, and vulnerability. Intimacy and vulnerability will not simply happen. You must develop a plan for how this will occur. How will you create an atmosphere for closeness to develop? Don’t be impatient. If you have not experienced closeness for some time, cultivating closeness will take time and effort. Even small bits of time spent intentionally and focused on each other, can help in achieving closeness.  

    Fourth, enjoy your new connection. Notice what works and what doesn’t as you change your lifestyle. Notice how you feel as you spend time together. Be adventuresome. Try new experiences. Share openly and candidly with each other and enjoy each other’s company.  

    Finally, hold each other accountable for following through with your plan. Again, change won’t just happen. Be intentional as you spend more time with each other. Take special care to carve out moments of time even when blocks of time are not available. Do find blocks of time, however, when you can really enjoy each other’s company. 

    God designed us for relationship and you will feel neglected if you are not attending to this in your marriage. Marriage can also be a wonderful place where we reflect God to the world. Make rebuilding your marriage a priority. 

    Do you need to reconnect with your mate? If you would like further help, we are here for you. Please send responses to me at info@marriagerecoverycenter.com and also read more about The Marriage Recovery Center on our website and learn about our Personal and Marriage Intensives.  

    Photo courtesy: ©Unsplash/Osman Rana

    Publication date: January 10, 2017

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    Dr. David B. Hawkins

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  • Should Christians Use Sarcasm?

    Should Christians Use Sarcasm?

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    I come from a long line of family members who use sarcasm as a regular part of conversation. Most of the time, it’s not used with the intent to hurt anyone’s feelings or cut people down. Rather, it’s used as a form of humor or to point out the irony of a situation. But is it biblical? Should Christians use sarcasm?

    The Bible is clear about what types of talk should and shouldn’t come out of the believer’s mouth. If we look at Ephesians 4:29, it gives the instruction, “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” Reading these words, it would make sense that sarcasm is not included in what is considered helpful for building others up.

    But what about the instances in the Bible where there seems to be an underlying sarcasm or satire in the tone of the speaker? Although the tone is not stated, there are passages throughout the Bible where the words speak for themselves. One of my favorites is Elijah when he taunts the prophets of Baal:

    “And at noon Elijah mocked them, saying, ‘Cry aloud, for he is a god. Either he is musing, or he is relieving himself, or he is on a journey, or perhaps he is asleep and must be awakened.’” 1 Kings 18:27 ESV

    I think it’s safe to say that Elijah does not believe these gods are actually using the bathroom or are on some journey. The verse states in black and white that he’s mocking the Baal worshippers. He can’t resist throwing these words out there, thus making a point about who the one true God is. Is this sarcasm? Or is it satire?

    While these two words used to have different meanings, they are now used almost interchangeably. In the past, satire was more often used in reference to plays and writings which expose human folly, which is what Elijah is doing here. He is exposing the fact that these prophets’ beliefs have no foundation in truth.

    When it comes to sarcasm, the intent of the Christian is key. 

    Here are five things to consider before using it:

    1. Are your words aimed to hurt others or be cruel?

    If the answer is yes, then it is better to be silent. Scripture is filled with reminders about the power of our words, and we can use this power for good or evil. While it is not a sin to become angry, our anger does become sinful when we act out of rage or with the intent to harm someone else. Our words can either point others toward Jesus or away from him, and when we’re mindful of this truth, we can impact generations of people in the best possible ways.

    “Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits.” Proverbs 18:21 ESV

    2. Are your words motivated by pride or an inflated ego?

    Sometimes we use sarcasm because of an inflated sense of self. We want to draw attention to the fact that we think we’re better than whatever shortcoming our sarcasm is aimed toward. This is another instance where it is better to either keep our mouths shut or reevaluate how to use our words. Although we may think we’re better than the establishment, rule, or deficiency we’re ridiculing, Paul gives clear instruction about how we are to view ourselves:

    “For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you.” Romans 12:3 NIV

    3. Is this means of communication effective for your audience?

    A few of the pastors of churches I attended over the years would occasionally use sarcasm in their sermons. When it was used, it was always with the same intent Elijah likely had when using it with the Baal worshippers: to expose human folly and or a tendency toward a certain sin. It was not with the intent to inflate themselves or make themselves look smarter than anyone else. They were well aware that they were as in need of grace as everyone else, and sarcasm was more a form of humor used to get a laugh from the congregation. Perhaps more importantly, it was effective at illustrating their point. Congregants responded and understood the intended meaning.

    There are several instances where Jesus used this type of communication as well. Often, it was directed toward the Pharisees or religious leaders who claimed to follow God, but their hearts were far from him. In one notable instance, they were ready to stone Jesus because he had just claimed to be equal with the Father. This was Jesus’ response:

    “Again his Jewish opponents picked up stones to stone him, 32 but Jesus said to them, “I have shown you many good works from the Father. For which of these do you stone me?” John 10:31-32 NIV

    4. What is your desired goal?

    Many times, the goal with sarcasm is simply to be funny. And often, it works. While there is nothing wrong with humor, we need to ask ourselves, “Is it at someone else’s expense?” 

    Other times, the goal may be to expose human error or our propensity toward sin. While there’s nothing wrong with this intention either, even in this case, we need to tread with caution. Sarcasm can easily become hurtful and demeaning, and the way we portray Christ matters. Often, others are watching us without our being aware of it. If they see us being sarcastic and demeaning all the time, they will likely not be drawn to a God who is both loving and merciful.

    Paul talks about the importance of the appeal we are making to others on Christ’s behalf, saying:

    “You show that you are a letter from Christ, the result of our ministry, written not with ink but with the Spirit of the living God, not on tablets of stone but on tablets of human hearts.” 2 Corinthians 3:3 NIV

    5. Are you pointing others toward truth?

    As we’ve discussed, the point of sarcasm is often to expose folly and point others toward truth. While some may argue that a better means of communicating could be used, it is effective nonetheless. Throughout scripture, we see men who followed God use sarcasm. It is not with the intent to be hateful but to point others toward truth.

    The bottom line with the use of sarcasm is this: Proceed with care. Most of the time, a more loving and effective means of communicating can be found. While it may be unrealistic to say that Christians should never use sarcasm, we do need to be mindful of how our speech affects others. If our goal is to be cruel, to inflate ourselves, or demean, we need to reevaluate. God is ready and willing to direct our speech when we seek his wisdom, and a better path may be on the other side of an honest request for guidance.

    Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/jacoblund

    Abby McDonald is a writing coach and the author of Shift: Changing Our Focus to See the Presence of God. Her mission is to empower women to seek God in the middle of life’s messes and to share their faith with courage. Abby writes regularly for Proverb 31 Ministries’ daily devotions team, and her work has been featured in numerous publications. You can connect with Abby on her website where you can grab a free worship playlist to help you shift your focus toward God. You can also connect with Abby on Instagram.

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    Abby McDonald

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