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Tag: Politics by country

  • CPAC To Feature Exhibit Where Visitors Can Toss Raw Chicken To Rudy Giuliani

    CPAC To Feature Exhibit Where Visitors Can Toss Raw Chicken To Rudy Giuliani

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    WASHINGTON—Advertising the event as a chance to interact personally with a conservative icon, organizers confirmed Thursday that the 2023 Conservative Political Action Conference would feature a new exhibit where visitors could purchase and toss pieces of raw chicken to Rudy Giuliani. “This year, for $5 a pop, attendees will be treated to an up-close encounter with the former mayor of New York and given a thrilling opportunity to feed him a handful of his favorite food—raw chicken,” CPAC spokesperson Nancy Garner said as she stood outside a 9-by-12-foot enclosure that contained a warming lamp, a sunning rock, a water feature, artificial plants, and the disgraced onetime U.S. attorney for the Southern District of New York. “Can you see him? Those are his heavy-lidded, bloodshot eyes peeking out from under that rock. He may look harmless now, but don’t be fooled. He’s still feral. Be sure to step back as soon as you release the chicken, because he’s going to leap forward and grab it with a big jowly chomp before it even hits the ground. And if you think that’s neat, watch what happens when you throw a few airplane bottles of blended scotch into the cage! Video is allowed, but please refrain from flash photography, as he is quite old and easily disoriented. That’s how Kelly Anne Conway was bitten earlier.” At press time, CPAC was reportedly on lockdown after Rep. Matt Gaetz (R-FL) left the door open while attempting to get a selfie inside the Giuliani tank.

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  • Rishi Sunak Named U.K. Prime Minister

    Rishi Sunak Named U.K. Prime Minister

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    Former U.K. treasury chief Rishi Sunak has become Britain’s first prime minister of color after being chosen to lead a governing Conservative Party, the third person to take the job amid a politically and economically turbulent year for the country. What do you think?

    “Not sure how he’ll appeal to a generation of Truss loyalists.”

    Matt Tucker, Mask Historian

    “So they’re still doing the whole prime minister thing, huh?”

    Jennifer Betancourt, Garage Painter

    “Makes you wonder when America is going to elect its first non-white prime minister.”

    Nick Freed, Casting Agent

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  • What To Know About The Oath Keepers, On Trial For Role In January 6 Riots

    What To Know About The Oath Keepers, On Trial For Role In January 6 Riots

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    Five members of the Oath Keepers, including founder Stewart Rhodes, are being tried in federal court for their role in the riots of Jan. 6, 2021. The Onion tells you everything you need to know about the Oath Keepers and their trial.

    Q: Who are the Oath Keepers? 
    A: A group of patriotic citizens dedicated to defending the racist parts of the Constitution.

    Q: What are the five members on trial for? 
    A: Seditious conspiracy to overthrow the government of the United States and littering.

    Q: What were they doing at the Jan. 6 riot?
    A: Peacefully attempting to hang Mike Pence.

    Q: What do the Oath Keepers look for in a member?
    A: Previous experience as a law enforcement officer who served lots of time on administrative leave.

    Q: Who is their founder?
    A: Stewart Rhodes, who believes citizens must stop government tyranny with citizen tyranny.

    Q: Wait, that guy really went to Yale?
    A: Point to Harvard.

    Q: What are membership dues? 
    A: Five to 10 years in federal prison.

    Q: Why are so many members former law enforcement?
    A: Once you get used to carrying guns and scaring people, it’s hard to stop.

    Q: How are they connected to the 2014 Bundy ranch standoff?
    A: Many of Bundy’s cattle were early members of the Oath Keepers.

    Q: What are the expected consequences for the group?
    A: Winning a dozen or so seats in Congress in 2024.

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