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Tag: parody

  • Among the Talibros

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    Three hostages kneel in front of a camera, their hands tied behind their backs and their heads covered with black plastic bags that obscure their faces. Looming behind them is a group of bearded, glowering militants, dressed in tunics and turbans, some holding assault rifles.

    “We have one message for America,” the man standing in the middle says, with one hand resting on the shoulder of the kneeling figure in front of him, the other hand jabbing the air to emphasize his speech. To people of a certain age, this scene is immediately recognizable. The intense stares, the polemical script, the stillness of the kneeling bodies—it was all eerily reminiscent of the videos of Daniel Pearl and James Foley being beheaded by Islamic figures.

    Thankfully, this video took a different turn. The speaker removes the bag from the face of the man kneeling before him, who then proceeds to flash a Hollywood smile and give an emphatic thumbs-up. “Welcome to Afghanistan!” he says straight into the camera, after which a montage of Westerners posing for pictures in mountain glens and doing pullups on the barrels of tank guns starts to play.

    Yosaf Aryubi, an Afghan American in his late twenties, made the video as an advertisement for his travel agency, Raza Afghanistan, which organizes tours of the country. Aryubi, who splits his time between Afghanistan and California, plays the role of would-be executor, while Jake Youngblood Dobbs, an American travel influencer who was on a tour with Raza at the time, is the ersatz victim whom Aryubi unveils. The video is simultaneously a provocative advertisement for Aryubi’s company—as well as an encouragement for tourists to visit Afghanistan. The pro-Taliban social-media account @afghanarabc shared the post, indicating at least a bit of an official imprimatur for Aryubi’s stunt. (The account has also shared other English-language videos, including a clip from Tucker Carlson’s show, in which he positively contrasts Afghanistan’s punitive drug-treatment programs to those in America.)

    I hate to admit it, but when I first saw this video a couple of months ago, it made me laugh. The tonal whiplash gave it a nonsensical, dark irony, like something an especially cynical Tim Robinson would create. Youngblood and others even have an affectionate nickname for their hosts: Talibros. The dudes-rock montage that followed the execution sketch had some genuinely funny bits. Some guys are fooling around with an assault rifle that has “Property of U.S. Govt” etched on its side. “It’s an American souvenir,” someone jokes. “Oh, it’s not even on safety right now,” the white tourist holding the gun says before the entire group bursts out in the familiar laughter of a group of guys who are doing something stupid and dangerous and, therefore, hilarious.

    Still, the opening scene stuck with me, and, in the weeks that followed, I began to interpret it as something less funny and more sinister. Filmed beheadings were indelible images of the wars of my childhood and adolescence in the two-thousands, graphic pieces of contraband we sought out on bootleg websites. I felt queasy thinking back to those videos, a vivid response that I suspect was the goal of this crop of young influencers. Aryubi’s irreverent references to years of violence in Afghanistan are part of a growing library of irony-soaked travel content that simultaneously asks viewers to stop believing everything the mainstream media tells them about the country while also instructing them not to take what the influencers say too seriously. Call it Frommer’s for edgelords. Several other content creators have spent time travelling through Afghanistan, glowingly sharing stories about how men can still be men, given the Taliban’s preservation of traditional values. A few poke fun at Western assumptions of how women are treated in the country. The wildly popular American YouTuber Addison Pierre Maalouf—better known as Arab to his nearly two million subscribers—toured Afghanistan last winter. In one video, he and his companions visit a women’s market.

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    T. M. Brown

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  • California is racing to combat deepfakes ahead of the election

    California is racing to combat deepfakes ahead of the election

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    Days after Vice President Kamala Harris launched her presidential bid, a video — created with the help of artificial intelligence — went viral.

    “I … am your Democrat candidate for president because Joe Biden finally exposed his senility at the debate,” a voice that sounded like Harris’ said in the fake audio track used to alter one of her campaign ads. “I was selected because I am the ultimate diversity hire.”

    Billionaire Elon Musk — who has endorsed Harris’ Republican opponent, former President Trump— shared the video on X, then clarified two days later that it was actually meant as a parody. His initial tweet had 136 million views. The follow-up calling the video a parody garnered 26 million views.

    To Democrats, including California Gov. Gavin Newsom, the incident was no laughing matter, fueling calls for more regulation to combat AI-generated videos with political messages and a fresh debate over the appropriate role for government in trying to contain emerging technology.

    On Friday, California lawmakers gave final approval to a bill that would prohibit the distribution of deceptive campaign ads or “election communication” within 120 days of an election. Assembly Bill 2839 targets manipulated content that would harm a candidate’s reputation or electoral prospects along with confidence in an election’s outcome. It’s meant to address videos like the one Musk shared of Harris, though it includes an exception for parody and satire.

    “We’re looking at California entering its first-ever election during which disinformation that’s powered by generative AI is going to pollute our information ecosystems like never before and millions of voters are not going to know what images, audio or video they can trust,” said Assemblymember Gail Pellerin (D-Santa Cruz). “So we have to do something.”

    Newsom has signaled he will sign the bill, which would take effect immediately, in time for the November election.

    The legislation updates a California law that bars people from distributing deceptive audio or visual media that intends to harm a candidate’s reputation or deceive a voter within 60 days of an election. State lawmakers say the law needs to be strengthened during an election cycle in which people are already flooding social media with digitally altered videos and photos known as deepfakes.

    The use of deepfakes to spread misinformation has concerned lawmakers and regulators during previous election cycles. These fears increased after the release of new AI-powered tools, such as chatbots that can rapidly generate images and videos. From fake robocalls to bogus celebrity endorsement of candidates, AI-generated content is testing tech platforms and lawmakers.

    Under AB 2839, a candidate, election committee or elections official could seek a court order to get deepfakes pulled down. They could also sue the person who distributed or republished the deceptive material for damages.

    The legislation also applies to deceptive media posted 60 days after the election, including content that falsely portrays a voting machine, ballot, voting site or other election-related property in a way that is likely to undermine the confidence in the outcome of elections.

    It doesn’t apply to satire or parody that’s labeled as such, or to broadcast stations if they inform viewers that what is depicted doesn’t accurately represent a speech or event.

    Tech industry groups oppose AB 2839, along with other bills that target online platforms for not properly moderating deceptive election content or labeling AI-generated content.

    “It will result in the chilling and blocking of constitutionally protected free speech,” said Carl Szabo, vice president and general counsel for NetChoice. The group’s members include Google, X and Snap as well as Facebook’s parent company, Meta, and other tech giants.

    Online platforms have their own rules about manipulated media and political ads, but their policies can differ.

    Unlike Meta and X, TikTok doesn’t allow political ads and says it may remove even labeled AI-generated content if it depicts a public figure such as a celebrity “when used for political or commercial endorsements.” Truth Social, a platform created by Trump, doesn’t address manipulated media in its rules about what’s not allowed on its platform.

    Federal and state regulators are already cracking down on AI-generated content.

    The Federal Communications Commission in May proposed a $6-million fine against Steve Kramer, a Democratic political consultant behind a robocall that used AI to impersonate President Biden’s voice. The fake call discouraged participation in New Hampshire’s Democratic presidential primary in January. Kramer, who told NBC News he planned the call to bring attention to the dangers of AI in politics, also faces criminal charges of felony voter suppression and misdemeanor impersonation of a candidate.

    Szabo said current laws are enough to address concerns about election deepfakes. NetChoice has sued various states to stop some laws aimed at protecting children on social media, alleging they violate free speech protections under the 1st Amendment.

    “Just creating a new law doesn’t do anything to stop the bad behavior, you actually need to enforce laws,” Szabo said.

    More than two dozen states, including Washington, Arizona and Oregon, have enacted, passed or are working on legislation to regulate deepfakes, according to the consumer advocacy nonprofit Public Citizen.

    In 2019, California instituted a law aimed at combating manipulated media after a video that made it appear as if House Speaker Nancy Pelosi was drunk went viral on social media. Enforcing that law has been a challenge.

    “We did have to water it down,” said Assemblymember Marc Berman (D-Menlo Park), who authored the bill. “It attracted a lot of attention to the potential risks of this technology, but I was worried that it really, at the end of the day, didn’t do a lot.”

    Rather than take legal action, said Danielle Citron, a professor at the University of Virginia School of Law, political candidates might choose to debunk a deepfake or even ignore it to limit its spread. By the time they could go through the court system, the content might already have gone viral.

    “These laws are important because of the message they send. They teach us something,” she said, adding that they inform people who share deepfakes that there are costs.

    This year, lawmakers worked with the California Initiative for Technology and Democracy, a project of the nonprofit California Common Cause, on several bills to address political deepfakes.

    Some target online platforms that have been shielded under federal law from being held liable for content posted by users.

    Berman introduced a bill that requires an online platform with at least 1 million California users to remove or label certain deceptive election-related content within 120 days of an election. The platforms would have to take action no later than 72 hours after a user reports the post. Under AB 2655, which passed the Legislature Wednesday, the platforms would also need procedures for identifying, removing and labeling fake content. It also doesn’t apply to parody or satire or news outlets that meet certain requirements.

    Another bill, co-authored by Assemblymember Buffy Wicks (D-Oakland), requires online platforms to label AI-generated content. While NetChoice and TechNet, another industry group, oppose the bill, ChatGPT maker OpenAI is supporting AB 3211, Reuters reported.

    The two bills, though, wouldn’t take effect until after the election, underscoring the challenges with passing new laws as technology advances rapidly.

    “Part of my hope with introducing the bill is the attention that it creates, and hopefully the pressure that it puts on the social media platforms to behave right now,” Berman said.

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    Queenie Wong

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  • MTG Releases New Tell-All Book – Bill Tope, Humor Times

    MTG Releases New Tell-All Book – Bill Tope, Humor Times

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    MTG shovels the dirt on friends and foes alike in new tell-all book.

    Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene (R), representing Georgia’s 6th Congressional district since 2021, has come out with a tell-all book, a memoir of her years of political enlightenment which she states began in 2015, with the escalator ride taken in Trump Tower by future President Donald J. Trump.

    tell-all book, Marjorie Taylor Greene
    MTG counts how many actual facts are in her new tell-all book. Photo by Gage Skidmore, CC BY-SA 2.0.

    In the book, titled I’d Drink His Bathwater: My Loyalty to The Donald, Greene recounts the highlights of her career so far. For example, she promulgates many controversial political (conspiracy) theories, including that the 9/11 2001 attack on the Twin Towers in New York was a so-called inside job, perpetrated by elements of the “deep state.” Greene states the actual perpetrators were not Saudi radicals, but in fact Jews and seminal figures of the nascent Black Lives Matter (BLM) movement.

    Another theory put forth by Greene is that the spate of destructive wildfires which ravaged the Pacific Northwest some five years ago was the work of space lasers manipulated by Rothschild family “bad Jews.” Said Greene: “They’re always up to shit.”

    Still another conspiracy theory she sets forth in detail is that rogue Democrats, also enmeshed in the deep state, operated a cannibalistic child-sex-trafficking ring out of a Washington D.C. pizza parlor. “They wasn’t just puttin’ pepperonis on them pies,” claimed Greene in a post on Twitter. Hillary Clinton, stated Greene, “was the bitch behind this disgraceful episode.”

    Greene, who divorced her husband of more than 30 years in 2022, has been linked romantically in the tabloids with former President Donald J. Trump. When Trump was temporarily incarcerated in Fulton County, Georgia last year, to have his mug shot and fingerprints taken, Greene allegedly had a conjugal visit with the ex-president. Trump reportedly said that if such interludes continued to occur, then he’d “be happy to spend more time in the clink.”

    MTG’s political career has been a mixed bag. Although she was stripped of her committee assignments during her first term, due to imprudent public remarks and posts on social platforms, Greene. a fast friend of former Speaker Kevin McCarthy, has in her second term gained membership on the House Committee on Oversight and Accountability and the House Committee on Homeland Security where, she wrote, she has “consistently raised hell.” She has personally introduced bills to impeach some 40 members of the Biden administration, including all the cabinet members.

    On Jan. 20, 2021, Greene introduced a bill of impeachment against newly-inaugurated President Joe Biden. It was his first day on the job. And she has said that she would move to vacate the Speaker’s chair if new Speaker Mike Johnson managed to pass legislation which would afford military aid to Ukraine, which is involved in an on-going war with Russia.

    “That there’s a territorial dispute,” cried Greene on the House floor, gnashing her teeth. “We got no business helping out them Ukraine Nazis,” she recounted, quoting herself. Greene went on to write that, when Donald Trump is reelected, then “he’ll nuke them sons’o’bitches!”

    Green concludes her tell-all book by looking to the future, a future with Donald J. Trump at America’s helm. “Trump has already had a big effect on my life,” she wrote. Emulating the 45th president, she has taken up golf. She said her low score matches her record at the dead lift — 325.

    “I would,” she quipped on the last page of the memoir, quoting the book’s title, “drink Trump’s bath water.”

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  • Ripping The Headlines Today – Paul Lander, Humor Times

    Ripping The Headlines Today – Paul Lander, Humor Times

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    Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

    The news, even that about another Bills playoff loss, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon: 

    Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

    playoff loss
    The Bills suffer yet another playoff loss to the Chiefs.

    Bills fans pelt Patrick Mahomes with snowballs after another playoff loss to Chiefs

    Luckily for Mahomes, most missed him ‘wide right.’

    Trump: ‘We’re going to build an iron dome over our country’

    Adding: ‘And make Mars pay for it!’

    Supposedly magic jeans promise to reduce cellulite

    I’m guessing they’re confusing it with magic genes.

    Andrew Yang endorsed Dean Phillips over Biden

    So, someone we forgot about is for someone we never heard of!

    Melbourne crime boss accidentally shot himself in the testicle

    … Ironically, showing his patriotism by shooting himself ‘down under.’

    Gen Zers who want the buzz but not the hangover are fueling a nonalcoholic spirits boom

    Although it’s making them so boring, look for them to be called Gen Zzzzzzzz.

    Ron DeSantis officially suspended his campaign for President. All that leaves are two Republican candidates

    One wears too much makeup, dyes their hair, lies about their weight, and the other is Nikki Haley.

    Florida man sues Dunkin’ for $50,000 in damages after claiming ‘exploding toilet’

    … In fairness, probably just the toilet getting even.

    Happy 53rd birthday, Kid Rock

    At that age, you might want to change your name to ‘Middle Aged Elevator Music.’

    D.C sees biggest snowfall in two years as 3 to 5 inches frost region

    The last time the outside of the Capitol was that white was during the January 6 insurrection!

    Farmer claims he was offered lap dance if he agreed to wind turbine on his land

    You’d think a b%$w job would be more appropriate.

    US finds Bayer’s genetically modified corn can be safely grown — but there’s a big catch

    It’ll give you quite a headache.

    Bill Belichick, Patriots ‘part ways’ after 24 seasons, 6 Super Bowl titles

    Man, that took a pair of deflated balls from owner Bob Kraft.

    Bill O’Reilly is furious as his own titles get removed after supporting Florida book bans

    Who?

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  • Republican Guvs Tell Kids: “Stay Hungry!” – Bill Tope, Humor Times

    Republican Guvs Tell Kids: “Stay Hungry!” – Bill Tope, Humor Times

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    GOP guvs decry welfare and childhood obesity, tell lazy kids to “stay hungry” for success.

    Fifteen Republican governors have said no to participating in a federally funded food assistance program, telling lazy kids to “stay hungry” for success. The program was passed on a bipartisan basis by Congress in 2022 and is designed to provide money ($120 per child) for food purchases during the summer, when children are on break and unable to receive free lunches at school.

    Tom Vilsack, GOP tells kids stay hungry
    Tom Vilsack, Secretary of Agriculture. Photo: U.S. Department of Agriculture, Public Domain.

    Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack said $2.5 billion was allocated in service to 21 million children. Governors gave various reasons for their states’ non-participation.

    Oklahoma Governor Kevin Stitt (R), reached at the governor’s mansion in Oklahoma City, where he was having dinner with his wife, Mary, and their nine children, was cutting into a T-bone steak. “Oklahoma has adequate resources,” he said around a mouthful of medium-rare steak, “and I’m completely satisfied.” He suggested that parents of “so-called hungry kids” plant “victory gardens, like they did in WWII.”

    One of the problems with food availability in the summer months is that of access. According to Prof. Mary Tupper, of Harvard University, just one in six in-need families can obtain food resources due to transportation problems. Florida Governor Ron DeSantis (R), reached on the campaign trail in Lobotomie, IA, said that he’s investigating a program whereby bicycles, with large baskets on the handlebars, will be leased to in-need Floridians for a moderate fee. “This service will NOT be available to transgenders,” the governor noted sharply.

    Iowa Governor Kim Reynolds (R), put forth by some as a likely running mate for the Florida governor, decried “Childhood obesity.” With a shudder she remarked that she’d do nothing to create “ten thousand more fat little Black children” in her state. She added that there weren’t enough “restrictions on food purchases,” and suggested that some parents used food vouchers to obtain “beer, whiskey, lottery tickets, and even cannabis.” Besides, she said, Iowa “is full of restaurants that just throw out perfectly good food every day; it’s up to the parents to be innovative in procuring food for their families.”

    Florida, Georgia, S. Carolina and Wyoming have, in addition to denying increased food assistance, opted out of the Medicaid expansion as well. Noted Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (R. GA): “It’s them George Soros Jews behind all this. They’s trying to replace real Americans with fat Black and brown kids!”

    Katie Bergh, a senior policy analyst at a Washington-based research and policy institute, said that pilot programs have shown that this program makes kids healthier and less hungry. It provides more fruits and fresh vegetables for the dinner table. Snarled Rep. Greene: “Vegetables are overrated and I say we have nothing to do with fruits!”

    Nebraska Governor Jim Pillen said simply that he “doesn’t believe in welfare.” When questioned on instances of “corporate welfare” in his state as well as aid to millionaire farmers, he grinned and cackled, “Ya got me!” before calling security to order the press from the executive mansion.

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  • Ripping the Headlines Today – Paul Lander, Humor Times

    Ripping the Headlines Today – Paul Lander, Humor Times

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    Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

    The news, even that about Taylor Swift fans (aka “Swifties”), doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon: 

    Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

    Swifties

    Ted Nugent sends a harsh message about Taylor Swift’s music — and Swifties clap back

    … So, it’s the Swifties vs. the not so swift …

    Something stinks: Why #TrumpSmells is trending on X

    Can’t believe no judge has pounded the gavel and proclaimed “Odor in the court, odor in the court,” when Trump enters.

    Tesla owner says he had to cancel Christmas plans because car would not charge in freezing weather

    On the upside his Model 3 didn’t back over his kids.

    The ‘why’ behind the effort to recruit Romney for president in 2024

    Joe Biden shrugs it off and says “kids, today…”

    Mariah Carey and Bryan Tanaka split after 7 years together, day after Christmas

    Her new Holiday classic ‘All I Want for Christmas is You (To Get Lost).’

    Ozempic overdose? Poison control experts explain why thousands OD’d this year

    And looked great while doing so.

    Kim Guilfoyle to Alina Habba: “If you could please get my fiancée and his brother off, I’d really appreciate it’

    Oh, there’s a good chance she’s getting them off, all right.

    Spirit Airlines put a 6-year-old on the wrong flight and flew him 160 miles away from his family

    On the bright side, their luggage arrived okay.

    Lindsey Graham clucks at New York officials over Chick-Fil-A bill

    You’d think he’d be more a Dairy Queen guy.

    Jessa Duggar welcomes baby No. 5 with husband Ben Seewald

    This woman doesn’t have a uterus, she has a Gymboree …

    Biggest Christmas shopping season ever

    Beware, if stuff was missing under your tree, you might have been visited by ‘Santos’ Claus.

    Happy 75th birthday to Samuel L. Jackson

    F#$k yeah, motherf#$er.

    Teacher lived with over 300 cats, chickens and ducks in mobile home, Florida sheriff says

    Cats and chickens and ducks, oh my.

    You are the father!’ Maury Povich declares to Denver Zoo orangutan

    … So, that lets 45. and Gary Busey off the hook for Eric Trump …

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  • Secret Diary of Melania Trump – S. Daniel Guttman, Humor Times

    Secret Diary of Melania Trump – S. Daniel Guttman, Humor Times

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    “The former first lady has mostly retreated from public view — and steered clear of the campaign trail — while her husband fights to return to the White House and faces increasing legal peril.

    “Since leaving the White House, Melania Trump’s world has gotten smaller. Just how she likes it.”

    As reported by S. Daniel Guttman

    Dear MUCKA, I am meeting with a Donald on Saturday? Oh, yeah, I remember, that Donald.

    Dear MUCKA, Not many people know that MUCKA means “Kitty” in Slovenian. Let’s keep that our little secret, just like my heroine, Anne Frank, kept hers.

    Dear MUCKA, Donald has stored many cardboard boxes at Mar-a-Lago. Some in my closet and some in the bathrooms. Cardboard clashes with my décor and my wardrobe. I wonder what is in them?

    Dear MUCKA, I saw some boxes being moved around sneakily. Maybe that’s why I can’t find my “I really don’t care, do you?” blouse. Who would want to wear that but me? Donald?? No! I don’t think so.

    Dear MUCKA, When I was looking for my blouse, I discovered that there were some war plans in one of the document folders in a box. Fortunately, we are not planning to invade Slovenia. So I was relieved.

    Dear MUCKA, Donald was surprised my parents are living at Trump Tower. He said to me, ”Are they still alive? I haven’t seen them since we got married and maybe not even then.”

    Dear, MUCKA, I don’t believe the E. Jean Carrol accusations. Donald never offers to help me when I shop.

    Dear, MUCKA, Donald asked me to attend a campaign event. That’ll cost him as much as he now owes to E. Jean Carroll.

    Dear MUCKA, I am looking for Universities that Baron can attend. It is difficult to find any that haven’t heard of Donald Trump. I did find one school that had no access to the internet or mainstream media. But it was on a South Pacific Island. I’ll keep trying.

    Dear MUCKA, I’m still upset that Donald didn’t follow-up on my suggestion to change all USA street signs to Slovenian. It will help Americans to learn another language and help me to know where I’m going.

    Dear MUCKA, I just avoided another interview. Whew! Don’t know why the mainstream-media wants my opinions. I don’t want theirs.

    Dear MUCKA, I’m so grateful my modeling career prepared me to be First Lady. Thank God I learned how to walk down a runway sexily in Stilettos. And pout.

    Dear MUCKA, I tried cooking for Donald for the first time in years, but I forgot to take the wrappers off the Big Macs and the smoke from the oven fire was terrible. But on the plus side, he does like them well done.

    Dear MUCKA, I used to be appreciative that Donald chose me from all the women he has grabbed in the Nozinca. Now, I’m less certain.

    Dear MUCKA, I got into a big fight with Donald and he threatened to have me deported. I told him his deporting days are over and reminded him that I know where the bodies are buried, and I dug some of them up.

    Dear MUCKA, I saw that Donald has kept an old basketball shoe from Shaquille O’Neal . I think I will use it as a gravy boat. I wonder what the gravy will taste like?

    Dear MUCKA, I was shocked by the events at the Capital on January 6th. The clothing the well-behaved crowd wore was terrible. No designer labels. No style at all. No wonder they are in trouble.

    Dear MUCKA, I will never wear a MAGA hat. It messes up my hair. Besides, what does it mean anyway? Never heard of the word when I learned English in Modeling School.

    Dear MUCKA, I just interviewed another candidate for my scholarship charity. I was impressed that she got into cosmetology school on the first try. I believe she will have a major impact on the world of eyeliner.

    Dear MUCKA, Uh-oh. I finally got around to reading the pre-nup I signed when I married Donald. It just entitles me to all the pots and pans I can carry in my arms out of Mar-a-Lago in one exit trip. I guess I’ll have to reconsider my filing for divorce.

    Dear MUCKA, Donald was just indicted again. I’m glad he is still in the news. I’m sure he will be very happiest and Be Best.

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  • Ripping the Headlines Today – Paul Lander, Humor Times

    Ripping the Headlines Today – Paul Lander, Humor Times

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    Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

    The news, even that about priests blessing same-sex couples, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon: 

    Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

    Pope okay with same-sex couples
    Pope okay with same-sex couples.

    Pope says Roman Catholic priests may bless same-sex couples

    Well, it is the season to don your gay apparel.

    Trump has extended Truth Social meltdown after Colorado Supreme Court bans him from ballot

    While Heinz Ketchup stock goes through the roof. Coincidence? You decide.

    Researchers may have found King Alfred’s pelvis

    Which, I assume, will improve his dance moves.

    Biden pardons thousands with marijuana convictions

    Too bad for Biden, by Election Day they’ll probably have forgotten.

    Predatory hawks are trained to intimidate seagulls hanging around SoFi Stadium, particularly its six-acre artificial lake

    … As opposed to Atlanta Hawks, who don’t scare anybody.

    After spending billions, over 23 million people now own NTFs that are completely worthless

    Elon Musk: Hold my Twitter.

    6 signs your marriage will last a lifetime

    Number one reason: you’re not given long to live.

    Laura Ingraham melts down over Biden ‘Nutcracker’ Christmas tap dancing video

    I guess Ingraham thinks she’s an expert on the Nutcracker because she is a nut and a cracker.

    Brad Pitt turns 60

    He doesn’t seem to age. If they did a movie about his sex life, it would be called ‘Fifty Shades of Dorian Grey.’

    ‘Dog Eats 5 100 Dollar Bills’

    Because of withholding taxes only poops out $375.56.

    ‘Dukes of Hazzard’ star John Schneider could face secret service probe for threat against President Biden

    Apparently, Schneider doesn’t like President Biden. Can someone tell me what Starsky or Hutch thinks; so I don’t have to give a rat’s ass about that, either.

    Chris Christie says he’s not dropping out of race for President

    … But that he’ll shut down that bridge when the time comes.

    Christmas shoppers safe from 600-pound alligator that was captured next to a mall in Florida

    Sounds like a bunch of croc to me.

    Orange tabby cat named Taters steals the show in first video sent by space laser from deep space

    … Marjorie Taylor Greene says she knew all along Taters was Jewish …

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  • AI Hoiman: No More Two Party System – Ted Holland, Humor Times

    AI Hoiman: No More Two Party System – Ted Holland, Humor Times

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    Dispatches From SNN (Slobovian News Network)

    The AI candidate Hoiman says we should get rid of political parties altogether.

    Presidential candidate Artificial Ignorance Entity Hoiman says that the American system has ground to a halt because Congress is a joke. Further, Hoiman says today’s political parties are like two three-year-olds fighting over a lollipop.

    Artificial Ignorance Entity Hoiman
    Still from the movie, “A.I. Artificial Intelligence” (2001).

    “It’s time to get rid of political parties and elections as we now know them,” said Hoiman. “Because of the corrupt parties, nothing gets done on the local, state or federal government levels.”

    He states that the political process in the Democratic Republic of Pepperbutte is an improvement over the current US political system. “The people run the government of DRP. There are no political parties, no elections and no professional politicians,” he said.

    Hoiman explained that most Americans are unfamiliar with Pepperbutte. “It has a population of 7 million people and is the world’s largest exporter of organic digital condoms and ass wax,” he said.

    Since there are no political parties in Pepperbutte, citizens are drafted to fill public offices. Those between the ages of 18 and 30 are selected to serve one year in the Pepperbuttean military corps. Taxpayers and property owners between the ages of 30 and 60 are selected to serve on town counsels, state assemblies and the national congress. Once you serve your four year term you cannot serve another term.

    Pepperbutte has no political campaigns and no elections. Mayors, governors and the vice chancellor are picked from within the group draftees.

    This works for Pepperbutte and could work for America, Hoiman says. “I am looking forward to running against and matching wits with Donald Trump,” he added.

    SNN Words to Live By

    “Everything is beautiful in its own way” — Ray Stevens, “Everything is Beautiful,” 1970 song.

    “Don’t confuse feeling good with being good.” — writer James Fixx.

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  • Musk Reinstates Banned Users from X – Bill Tope, Humor Times

    Musk Reinstates Banned Users from X – Bill Tope, Humor Times

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    Social platform reopened to previously banned users, including current and historical figures.

    elon musk reinstates banned users, carries sink.
    Elon Musk, still the funniest guy in his own imagination.

    With the reinstatement of conspiracy theorist Alex Jones’ account on X, platform owner Elon Musk said that was just the beginning; “You ain’t seen nothing yet,” crowed the wealthiest man on the planet, clutching a kitchen sink in his arms.

    Following is the transcript of an address made by Elon Musk himself, to a captive audience of some 10,000 Tesla workers, employed at the Fremont Tesla plant outside San Francisco, CA. They were enjoying their one daily 10-minute work break. At intervals, upon a signal from Telsa brass, they applauded politely.

    I am pleased that my pal Alex Jones showed those towheads at Sandy Hook for what they are — fakers. In the past, the misguided former owners of this platform banned users, including current and historical figures who never have been excluded from the site. I have absolved them, in the interest of fairness, balance, and First Amendment rights. They are:

    Joseph Goebbels: Hitler’s imaginative Minister of Propaganda, Goebbels told the truth about the unutterably evil Jewish vermin. He was right to depict them on film as vile rodents scurrying through ratholes in abandoned buildings. If Goebbels were alive today, he would be in charge of X. He’s my kind of guy, a hard-hitting journalist and an avatar of the social conscience of X.

    Benito Mussolini: Misunderstood Dictator of Italy. A forerunner of the modern fascist movement, Mussolini got a lot of bad press, but he made the damn trains run on time. All the rest are just details.

    James Earl Ray: Convicted killer of civil rights icon Martin Luther King, Jr. Ray was a social scientist and an activist, intent on eliminating what I call the ‘dark influences’ from the American scene. Ray, who perished at 70 in Nashville, TN in 1998, supposedly died from cancer. That was the deep state’s story, but I have double-secret information that it was an inside job, perpetrated by a gang of renegade nigras! I heard this from Alex Jones, so you can take it to the bank.

    Donald J. Trump: The 45th U.S. President was unfairly banned from Twitter two days after the Jan. 6, 2021, so-called insurrection at the U.S. Capitol. President Trump assured me that he had nothing to do with the minor fracas of Jan. 6, and that even if he did, he was president, and so what? I know Trump to be a man of his word, and so I take him at face value. Besides, after next November, when he thrashes old man Biden at the polls, The Donald will be president once more. And I might want a new contract with the Feds.

    Okay, people, your 10 minutes are up; and if you’re late getting back to the lines, I’ll have to dock your pay. Here, somebody carry this sink back to my office.

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  • Ripping the Headlines Today – Paul Lander, Humor Times

    Ripping the Headlines Today – Paul Lander, Humor Times

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    Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

    The news, even that about smuggled endangered fish fillets, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon: 

    Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

    endangered fish
    Frozen endangered fish fillets… yum!

    Arizona Customs seizes endangered fish organs worth $2.7 million found in shipment of frozen fish fillets

    Mrs. Paul, you have the right to remain silent …

    Moms for Liberty co-founder admitting to threesome sparks backlash

    … And really ought to have a sex book called the Karen Sutra.

    Welsh couple bereft after bomb squad detonate ornamental garden missile

    Good thing, I hear it was a Surface-to-Sleigh Missile.

    Romney says he’d vote Biden over Trump

    Biden: Told ya’ I was doing well with young people.

    Ohtani goes to the Dodgers on a 10-year $700 million deal

    So, in L.A. terms he’ll have barely enough to rent a 2 bedroom in Reseda, car port space separate …

    Nick Cannon spends $200K a year taking his 12 kids to Disneyland

    … It’s all that money he saves from not buying condoms.

    Norman Lear gone at 101

    He’s movin’ on up, movin’ on up to a deluxe apartment in the sky. God speed, sir.

    RFK Jr. running as independent

    … And pretty much, mostly independent of support from the rest of Kennedy family!

    What Matt Rife’s baffling Netflix special tells us about comedy

    C’mon, let’s face it; Dane Cook is the painting in Matt Rife’s attic.

    House staffer swiftly changes locks on George Santos’ office

    … Right after counting silverware in Capitol dining hall…

    Indiana man found with handgun hidden in his rectum

    Rectum, damn near killed him.

    AARP members get early access to Rolling Stone tickets

    … Well, they do have to leave early for their 8 PM bedtime.

    Blake Shelton says he doesn’t miss “The Voice” — but he took home a surprising keepsake

    And, we’re all rooting for him and Gwen Stefani!

    U.S. payrolls rose 199,000 in November

    Well, 198,999 … because, y’know, George Santos …

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  • Trump Selects VP Running Mate – Bill Tope, Humor Times

    Trump Selects VP Running Mate – Bill Tope, Humor Times

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    Following months of media speculation, Donald Trump has selected his 2024 VP running mate.

    After much public conjecture and overt deliberation by the candidate himself, former President Donald J. Trump has selected his 2024 VP running mate.

    Trump selects VP running mate. Photo by Gage Skidmore.
    Photo: Gage Skidmore, flickr.com.

    It was once thought that Trump might select a female vice president, a speculation entailing such GOP luminaries as former U.N. Ambassador Nikki Haley, N. Dakota governor Kristi Noem (“She has the nicest ass,” averred the ex-president), Georgia Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene, and even songstress superstar Stefani Germanotta (Lady Maga). Also figuring prominently in the selection process was sex-device entrepreneur Vivek Ramaswamy; Rep. Jim Jordan (R. OH) and high-end evening wear model Governor Ron DeSantis (R. FL).

    Delivering an address at a sweat-shop tennis sneaker factory in Little Rock, Arkansas on Thursday, where 120 children under ten are employed, Trump railed against those RINOS who had in the past supported even the slightest vestiges of industrial trade unions. The ex-president paused in his speech to unexpectedly announce his VP selection: the newly defrocked congressman George Santos (R. NY). The children, who did not speak English, applauded politely.

    “Santos,” boasted Trump, “has has been in Washington for only a brief period, however, he has held positions of immense power even in that short time. He’s told me all about being a Congressman, Secretary of State, a General in the Marines, an Admiral in the Navy, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, and he’s both written and starred in blockbuster movies in Hollywood. This shows his versatility,” said Trump.  The ex-president pointed to Santos’s tenure as Pope as evidence of Santos’s willingness to “theocratize the nation.”

    “Secondly,” Trump went on, “he’s not intimidated by the fake-news, deep-state, mainstream media, like the failing New York Times and morally bankrupt MSNBC.”

    Asked by a Fox News reporter how he accounted for Santos’s auspicious disposition, Trump answered at once: “Because, Santos has literally no shame.” He smiled proudly, noting that this makes Santos an especially appropriate stand-in in the event that Trump himself meets an untimely end.

    “You never know,” said Trump, “I might stop eating again and maybe this time the Speaker won’t drop by.”

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  • Speaker Mike Johnson: Interview – Dean Kaner, Humor Times

    Speaker Mike Johnson: Interview – Dean Kaner, Humor Times

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    Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews Republican House Speaker Mike Johnson.

    ANNOUNCER

    Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

    JERRY DUNCAN

    Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. My guest today is Republican House Speaker Mike Johnson from the great state of Louisiana.

    Speaker Mike Johnson by DonkeyHotey
    Speaker Mike Johnson caricature by DonkeyHotey, flickr.com.

    JERRY

    Hi Gomer.

    CONGRESSMAN MIKE JOHNSON

    My name is Mike, Mr. Duncan.

    JERRY

    You and I have something in common. We both live under a rock.

    MIKE

    Golly! Shazam!

    JERRY

    You’re 51 years old. A member of the House since 2016.

    MIKE

    And a proud redneck.

    JERRY

    Mikey. What does it say on the back of every LSU diploma?

    MIKE

    Don’t know.

    JERRY

    Will Work For Food.

    MIKE

    I love a work ethic.

    JERRY

    I’m here to tell the American people the truth. You’re a Trump apologist.

    MIKE

    Save me, Jesus. If that doesn’t work, Moses.

    JERRY

    Not even they can save you. You’re pathetic.

    MIKE

    You hurt my feelings, Mr. Duncan. I feel worse than when my first cousin broke off our engagement.

    JERRY

    Oh, it gets worse. For starters, you were an unplanned pregnancy when your parents were teenagers.

    MIKE

    I know. My mom explained to me when I got older how Burger King knocked up Dairy Queen. He forgot to wrap his whopper.

    MIKE

    Heck. They got divorced anyway.

    JERRY

    You’re an active member of the Christian Right. Support bills to institute a nationwide ban on abortion. Against homosexuality. Tried to get prayer in public schools. Believe in the Great Replacement Theory by spreading hatred that minorities are going to be the majority in the United States.

    MIKE

    Let me stop you there. You realize Mexico won’t have an Olympic team, because everybody that can run, jump, and swim are already in the U.S. Not fair to Mexico.

    JERRY

    You’re prejudice.

    MIKE

    If I’m too open-minded, my brains will fallout. Louisianans worry about that because we all have the same DNA.

    JERRY

    In 2020, you contested the results of the presidential election. Involved with allegations the voting machines were rigged. Claimed massive election fraud.

    MIKE

    Yep.

    JERRY

    Venezuelan software corrupted the machines with votes for Biden?

    MIKE

    Yes sir. Just ask a vaccinated person and an unvaccinated person who won the 2020 election. They’ll tell you.

    JERRY

    Here’s the worst of your convoluted logic. You’re against climate change science, because you say wind and solar energy cause depression and cognitive dysfunction.

    MIKE

    There can’t be climate change. Otherwise, dinosaurs wouldn’t have accompanied Noah on his Ark. It says so in the Book of Ridiculous. Read the Bible.

    JERRY

    Knock, knock.

    MIKE

    Who’s there?

    JERRY

    Forget.

    MIKE

    Forget who?

    JERRY

    Forget you! Speaker Mike Johnson everyone. See you tomorrow.

     

    The Jerry Duncan Show
    (c) Dean B. Kaner

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  • Queen for a Day: Donald Trump – Marilyn Sands, Humor Times

    Queen for a Day: Donald Trump – Marilyn Sands, Humor Times

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    Queen for a Day

    Trump wants to be “Dictator” but don’t worry, just for one day! Next, maybe he’ll be “Queen for a Day!”

    Queen for a DayQueen for a Day

    Trump says he’ll only be a Dictator for a day – but there are so many more days in a Presidential Term, so I immediately signed up for ‘Costumes & Props’!

    I’ll spare you the names of the world’s notorious Dictators as you know who they are & their rap sheets & that’s a good thing because we don’t need another one!

    But Trump said, ‘Just 1 day’ – so we’ll just have to find out on Election Day who wouldn’t mind giving him his little request on his first day!

    DAY TWO

    He won’t be a Dictator anymore – he’ll be QUEEN FOR A DAY!

    Queen for a DayQueen for a Day

    DAY THREE

    He’ll be A SINGER!

    Trump singsTrump sings

    “What a difference a day makes, twenty-four little hours…” Hit song by THE Dinah Washington

    DAY FOUR

    He’ll be THE VILLAGE IDIOT!

    Trump idiotTrump idiot

    DAY FIVE

    He’ll be A FARMER!

    Trump farmerTrump farmer

    DAY SIX

    He’ll be A PREACHER!

    Trump preacher, Queen for a DayTrump preacher, Queen for a Day

    DAY SEVEN

    He’ll be A METAMUCIL SPOKESPERSON!

    Trump depressedTrump depressed

    DAY EIGHT

    He’ll be A POSTAGE STAMP MODEL!

    Trump mug shot stampTrump mug shot stamp

    And, DAY NINE… PRISONER FOR LIFE! **

    Trump prisoner, Queen for a DayTrump prisoner, Queen for a Day

    ** if not sooner!

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  • Trump to Become Dictator 'on Day One' – Bill Tope, Humor Times

    Trump to Become Dictator 'on Day One' – Bill Tope, Humor Times

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    Coverage of a Trump Town Hall: Trump vows to “become dictator on day one.”

    by Llib Epot, Conservative Capitol Correspondent

    Meeting with Fox News host Sean Hannity for a live interview in Davenport, Iowa this week, in a runup to the Iowa caucuses, former President Donald J. Trump said with a wide grin that he would “become dictator on day one,” promising to close the border and to “Drill, baby, drill, drill, drill!”

    become dictator
    Trump vows to “become dictator on day one,” says he’d be the “best ever.”

    The studio audience cheered.

    While some observers have expressed concern over Trump’s recent “heated rhetoric,” others have applauded Trump’s suggestion that petty thieves be executed.

    “Shoplifters,” thundered Trump, can “expect to be shot as they leave the store. Shot!” he repeated for emphasis. Trump proposed that a “bounty” on suspected shoplifters be paid, as part of what he called his “Urban Black Laws,” which he said he would sign if it came to his desk upon assuming office.

    The crowd laughed merrily and applauded.

    Trump also mugged for the cameras as he mocked former Speaker Nancy Pelosi for being married “to a hammer head.” He repeated his opinion that one-time Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, Mark Milley should be “hanged for treason” because he assured his Chinese counterpart that war was not imminent during the tumultuous last days of the Trump administration.

    When Hannity cautiously asked the ex-president if he was sure he wanted to proceed with sending the general to the gallows, Trump seemed to reconsider and acknowledged that “drawing and quartering him with horses might in fact be preferable.”

    The crowd giggled with rapture.

    Regarding his legal problems, Trump suggested that “death and destruction was in the offing” in the wake of Manhattan District Attorney Alvin Bragg’s indictment of Trump over the ex-president’s alleged hush money payments to a floozy that he allegedly screwed. Trump encouraged “patriots” to “go after” New York State Attorney General Letitia James for prosecuting Trump in a $250 million civil business fraud suit.

    “I’ll pay your attorney fees if you main or kill someone,” he assured the crowd, telling them that he knows more about courtrooms than anyone.

    While Trump’s suggestions of violence and promise to become dictator have received scant attention from the media, other political figures have received inordinate attention: e.g., “Biden’s Dog Bites Secret Service Agent” was page one news in the New York Post and a leading story on Fox News.

    Trump also had something to say about the media. He has vowed to have Comcast Corp., parent company of NBC and MSNBC, investigated for treason. He has suggested a government takeover of the company.

    “Oh day one,” boasted Trump, “I will appoint Steven Miller to take the reins of the company.” Trump has said that MSNBC has no redeeming value, although he would “like to nail MSNBC host Ana Cabrera.”

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  • Former Congressman Joins SNN News – Ted Holland, Humor Times

    Former Congressman Joins SNN News – Ted Holland, Humor Times

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    Dispatches from SNN (Slobovian News Network)

    Recently dismissed former congressman George Santos has joined SNN, famous for its unique take on world events.

    Recently dismissed from the House of Representatives, former congressman from New York, George Santos, has joined our news network, SNN. Santos will assume the position of Vice President and executive editor of the firm’s Fake News Network.

    former congressman, Photo: Mike Shaheen
    The former congressman promises to report the “undistorted truth.” Photo: Mike Shaheen, flickr.com, CC BY-NC-ND 2.0.

    Santos will oversee SNN’s cadre of dozens of Political and Financial liars, little white liars, whoppertellers, situational liars, flimflam liars, fairytale liars, editorial liars, sports liars, God damn liars and LAMFs. 

    Mr. Santos said of his new position, “This feels like home!”

    SNN Words to Live By

    “Liar liar pants on fire.” — The Castways, Liar Liar, 1965 song.

    “Thou shalt not bear false witness.” — Ten Commandments.

    “Anything is better than lies and deceit.” — Leo Tolstoy.

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  • Kennedy Casts Stones in His Glass House – Bill Tope, Humor Times

    Kennedy Casts Stones in His Glass House – Bill Tope, Humor Times

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    Sen. John Kennedy questioned public health experts on the escalation of gun violence, a bit like throwing stones in a glass house.

    On Tuesday at a Senate hearing on gun violence, Sen. John Kennedy (R-LA) imperiled his own glass house, questioning public health experts on the reason for the escalation of firearm violence.

    John Kennedy glass house
    Sen. John Kennedy (R-LA) asking more dumb questions, casting stones in his own glass house. Photo: C-SPAN, Public Domain.

    He asked Dr. Megan Ranney, a Yale Professor, if the reason that Chicago, Illinois was “the nation’s largest outdoor shooting range” was the existence of “law-abiding citizens owning a gun for protection or perhaps for hunting.”

    He dug at the dirt under his nails with a prodigious Buck knife. “Or,” he asked conversationally, was it due to a “finite, unique set of illegally-armed darkies?”

    Ranney replied that everyone was law-abiding, “until they’re not,” and added that Kennedy’s home-state of Louisiana ranks far above Illinois in gun violence rates. She added that most mass shooters were, in fact, first-offenders and purchased their weapons legally.

    Ranney went on to say that environmental factors, such as urban renewal and creation of green spaces, have been shown to have an effect on rates, decreasing them by as much as 12%.

    Kennedy shook his large head ponderously and dismissed Ranney’s remarks as “word salad.” “I know,” he went on, “that it’s mostly in Democrat cities chock full of nigras where all the gun violence takes place.”

    When Ranney said she’d stake her reputation on her remarks, Kennedy cut her often a second time, saying that Ranney only got to be a Yale professor through “a woke affirmative action program prevalent in the Ivy League.”

    Kennedy then moved to pause the hearing for a “potty break.” He sat back calmly picking his nose.

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  • Kringle Unwraps His Dating Profile – Marilyn Sands, Humor Times

    Kringle Unwraps His Dating Profile – Marilyn Sands, Humor Times

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    Kris Kringle

    Mrs. Claus gives Santa aka Kris Kringle aka BowlFullofJelly a ‘Deck the Halls Pass’!

    It’s true! Santa wants to trade-in the old Mrs for a brand new Better-Half-his-age on-line!

    Kris Kringle wifeKris Kringle wife

    Mrs. Claus says it’s just a phase & his new on-line pics prove it!

    Clara says, ‘What can I do? During sex Mr Kringle calls out all nine reindeer names plus his before he gets to mine: ‘Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Rudolph & Blinzes’!

    Kris KringleKris Kringle

    ‘You know that old saying, ‘There may be snow on the roof, but there’s fire in the furnace’!

    ‘Ha!  Well, our furnace hasn’t worked since…Eisenhower‘!

    ‘With him, there’s always Good News & Bad News: Mr. Wonderful can find the John in the middle of the night…but can’t unbuckle his frigin’ Red Suit in time’!

    ‘He’ll find out you don’t always get what you want & I’ve got millions of Wish Lists here to prove it: Little Johnny wants a Doll, Little Susie wants a Truck & Marilyn Sands wants him to read her funny new book “CAN YOU PEE OUTDOORS?” On-Line Dating Straight Lines found on Amazon’!  

    I’m sorry!  haha

    ‘Lookie, lookie – I found my poor little dear’s Dating Profile in his sock drawer next to his Viagra!  Looks like he has 2 ‘About Me’ lists – one he posted & another in case the first one doesn’t work!

    ‘Help me decide if he’s ‘Naughty or Nice’ & whether I should take him back ‘as is’!

    • JOLLY
    • DRIVE AT NIGHT
    • WORK FROM HOME 364 DAYS A YEAR!
    • DON’T EXERCISE! Okay – get in sleigh, get out of sleigh!
    • WON’T RELOCATE – but know how to stack wood!
    • WHEN I SAY I’M OUT BOWLING – I’m out bowling!
    • ONCE HAD A FLING WITH THE TOOTH FAIRY!
    • LOVE ME SOME LAP DANCES!
    • HAVE KIDS, DON’T WANT KIDS – don’t want your kids!
    • LIKE TO RUN AROUND THE HOUSE NAKED WEARING TINSEL!
    • SMELL LIKE AN ASHTRAY!
    • WILL SHAVE MY BELOVED BEARD OFF IN EXCHANGE FOR – well, a truly benevolent gesture!

    ‘Oh look – my honey has only one deal breaker’!

    ‘He loves me’!

    Kris KringleKris Kringle

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  • Ripping the Headlines Today – Paul Lander, Humor Times

    Ripping the Headlines Today – Paul Lander, Humor Times

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    Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

    The news, even that about Taco Bell, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon: 

    Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

    Taco Bell
    Taco Bell order is easy prey for a hungry bear.

    Nacho average bear: Florida mammal swipes $45 Taco Bell order from porch after Uber Eats delivery

    That’s like 9,000 tacos and a churro worth …

    Black Friday sales surge, despite economic uncertainties

    Actually, I went to an after-Thanksgiving sale once. Never again … because it’s true, ‘once you go Black Friday you never go back.’

    Joe Biden confused Britney Spears for Taylor Swift

    … While Trump confused his ex-wife with the woman he sexually assaulted.

    21 warning signs someone is Bipolar

    For one, they think there are 42 signs.

    NATO jets intercept Russian military plane over Baltic States

    … As opposed to NY Jets, who only get intercepted.

    Leonardo DiCaprio celebrated his 49th Birthday

    … Big turnout, probably because it wasn’t on a school night.

    Trump releases a letter from a doctor declaring that the former president’s “overall health is excellent” and “cognitive exams were “exceptional”

    So, it was signed Dr. George Santos, MD.

    Swimmer spots ‘once in a lifetime’ sight of sea lion battling octopus, video shows

    Weirdest thing was guest ref Sponge Bob Referee Pants.

    Former US first lady Rosalynn Carter dies at 96

    … And, not just a First Lady, but always a lady first. God speed.

    Founder of far-right Catholic site resigns over breach of its morality clause, group says

    I believe they made the announcement on XXX.

    Robert De Niro didn’t appreciate the claim that he would take phone calls while using the bathroom

    No word if bad cell service in bathrooms forced him to ask callers: ‘Hello, hello. You talking to me?’

    Republicans only care about the debt when a Democrat is president

    Yup, otherwise they suffer from ‘Lack of Attention To The Deficit Disorder.’

    Britney Spears’ memoir sold 1.1 million copies in its first week

    With all the dating revelations In Britney Spears’ new book, instead of the ‘Woman in Me,’ it should be called ‘The Men in Me.’

    Virginia Democrat Susanna Gibson loses state House race after sex video scandal

    … People were shocked seeing a politician with their actual spouse …

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  • Trump Courtroom Drama in Pre-Production – Bill Tope, Humor Times

    Trump Courtroom Drama in Pre-Production – Bill Tope, Humor Times

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    Studios are said to be negotiating with the principals of the New York v. Donald Trump case for the rights to a courtroom drama.

    Columbia Pictures and Castle Rock Entertainment are in discussions regarding a potential courtroom drama with the principals of the State of New York v. Donald Trump fraud case. The ex-president is on trial there for alleged fraudulent business dealings.

    Queen Latifah courtroom drama
    “Queen Latifah would make a great A.G. Letitia James,” says Rob Reiner. Photo by Sister Circle TV, CC BY 3.0.

    Castle Rock and Columbia are the same entities who produced the much-acclaimed film, “A Few Good Men” in 1992. Observers have drawn parallels between the fictional and the real life courtroom dramas.

    Rob Reiner, who directed the original film, is said to interested in the proposed second movie, which is reported to have a budget of $250 million and a working title of “A Few Big Schmucks.”

    The cast has not yet been announced, but Columbia is reportedly in talks with Sean Penn to play the ex-president; Stormy Daniels to portray Ivanka Trump; and the role of New York Attorney General Letitia James, who is prosecuting the case, is reportedly Queen Latifah’s, “if she wants it.”

    Jack Nicholson is interested in playing Trump, citing his starring role in 1980’s “The Shining” as proof of his ability to play deranged characters, but he was dismissed by the former-president out-of-hand as “just too damn old.” Trump is said to prefer Brad Pitt.

    Studio officials are also considering making “A Few Good Schmucks” into a multi-media or hybrid production and portraying Eric and Donald Trump Jr. by cartoon icons Heckle and Jeckle, the yellow-billed magpies. Deliberations are reportedly underway with Terrytoons and CBS.

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