Tag: oppositional defiant disorder

A phone call from my mother changed everything.

We had always been close, but our relationship was rocky – lots of anger, frustration, and assumptions on both sides.

After a quick hello, she told me how she had read an article about older adults with ADHD. My irritation at being interrupted fizzled as my mom read the list of symptoms to me: lateness and “time blindness;” difficulty with organization; big feelings; difficulty planning and executing tasks; hyperfocus…

I froze, and my mind whirled. Of course she has ADHD — and how had I, her therapist daughter, missed it? I was stunned, and then overwhelming guilt washed over me. All these things that had felt so personal from my mom over the years, and often so inconsiderate – and that I had been so reactive to – were almost all symptoms of ADHD!

Branches of the Same Tree?

“Mom,” I said, “This absolutely sounds like you. Can you talk to your doctor? I need to think about this more.” She agreed, then spent some time reassuring me that, while she might have ADHD, I don’t. After all, I’d finished grad school, I had a great job, an impossibly busy family schedule, and a small private practice. There was no way I had ADHD, and I agreed — at first.

I went home and thought about it more. A lot more. I was already familiar with ADHD due to my work, and I’d wondered for years if my daughter might have it. Her busyness, distractibility, disorganization, and grades were all potential signs. But I never showed any signs of ADHD, right?

[Symptom Test: Could You Have Adult ADHD?]

After a week or so of reflecting on my life, my thoughts had shifted. I was a bright and sensitive child, disappearing for hours into imaginary worlds. I also picked up and dropped hobbies on the regular. My room was a mess, my desk at school the same. I did so well academically that it didn’t matter that I rushed through my work and then zoned out.

Then I hit high school, and it became impossible to manage the complexity of social relationships and a varying schedule while staying on top of my tasks. In university, I regularly had urges to leave class mid-lecture, and I sometimes acted on that urge, wandering the halls until that disquieting feeling that kept me from sitting still went away. Background noises and interruptions irritated me, but I thought that was just me being an impatient, overly sensitive jerk.

All in the Family

 That fall after my mother’s phone call, my daughter was diagnosed with ADHD and started on medication. To say it changed her life is an understatement. She said the noise in her had brain stopped, and that she was now able to focus on school and her extracurriculars. She medaled in both of her sports that year, her report cards were completely different, and her friendships blossomed. All of the tools she had learned in therapy finally clicked, and I watched her put them into practice every day.

I was diagnosed with ADHD and started medication a few months later, which also changed my life. I couldn’t believe it at first. I had been using mindfulness, dialectical behavior therapy skills, lists, planners, and other tools and systems for years, and now I understood why I was often so exhausted. While I still use these tools, medication settled something inside that has allowed me to flourish.

[Read: “Let Me Tell You How ADHD Runs in My Family”]

But the biggest change ADHD brought was in my relationship with my mom and daughter. Knowing that my mom struggles with time because of ADHD — that it’s not because she doesn’t care — allows me to stay grounded when it happens. I recognize that interruptions aren’t personal, and I let others know when I need uninterrupted time. Most profoundly, our diagnoses have given us a lens into understanding each other’s idiosyncrasies and that something might be ‘an ADHD thing.’ For my daughter, it’s negative thoughts. For me, it’s irritation. And for my mom, it’s needing to say or act on each thought, lest she forget it right away.

For my mom and me, in particular, our present diagnoses offer a lens into our past challenges. We’re able to forgive each other and know that we weren’t just doing life wrong. That it wasn’t because we didn’t love each other – it was just undiagnosed ADHD getting in the way.

Managing ADHD Across Generations

If you’re part of an intergenerational ADHD family, here are a few tips from us – three generations of women with ADHD. I hope some of them are helpful for your and your family, too.

• Learn as much as you can about ADHD. Whether you watch webinars, read books, or listen to podcasts, find reputable sources of information and soak them up. Explore what tools fit for you and put them in action.
• Keep in mind that what works for you might not work for other family members with ADHD. We all have our individual personalities and temperaments, and ADHD might express itself differently even within your nuclear family.
• Practice self-compassion. We all struggle, and those of us with ADHD are bombarded with negative messages that often become our internal self-talk. Self-compassion can slow things down, allow us to be kinder to ourselves, and set an example for our children.

ADHD Family: Next Steps

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CELEBRATING 25 YEARS OF ADDITUDE
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By Leslye Folmar-Harris, Ed. M.

Folmar-Harris, an accomplished teacher, clearly exhibited signs of ADHD since childhood, but was only diagnosed in adulthood — an unfortunate reality for many women of color. In this blog post, she grapples with the possible causes behind her late diagnosis, from internalized stigma to cultural attitudes.

“I was also unwilling to consider that I could have ADHD because, let’s face it, you can’t be Black in America and have something else wrong with you,” she writes. “I already have so many obstacles to vault because of my race. What would happen, then, if I did have ADHD? Would others think I’m not qualified for my career or anything else anymore?”

The writer acknowledges that it’s easy to fall into the trap of wondering “what could have been” had the diagnosis come earlier. But she’s given herself a second chance: “You can either get stuck on what you could have been,” she writes, “or you can focus on how much you’ve accomplished in spite of it all.”

Read “I Could Have Been Myself for So Much Longer.”

Related Reads and Resources

Boredom is our nemesis.

Like kryptonite for ADHD brains, boredom is worse than intolerable — it’s downright painful. Low dopamine levels, however, mean that ADHD brains frequently find themselves in a state of boredom — a major problem when it comes to starting and persisting on life’s daily tasks and long-term goals. Boredom, simply put, fuels procrastination and thwarts motivation. It doesn’t help that, in our current digital age, it is far too easy to seek relief from mind-numbing boredom with equally mind-numbing entertainment.

Boredom has a better antidote: Play.

Further defined, play is intrinsically motivated, creative action that brings joy. From recreational games to artistic expression, play comes in many forms that all share one thing in common: They spark feelings of delight and happiness. The laughter, fun, and excitement of play boosts dopamine, releases feel-good hormones, and helps us – yes, even those with ADHD — positively reframe uncomfortable emotions like boredom.

Find your inner CHILD to put more play in your day and stave off boredom with these tips.

[Read: 9 Shortcuts to Happiness]

1. Curiosity is your guide

Be curious about people, places, and the world around you. Notice that person ahead of you in line and take a guess at what interests them. Cue in to the song playing in the restaurant bathroom and dance along. Wonder about the design of the conference room at your workplace and how it helps facilitate meetings (or not!). Through curiosity, you’ll open yourself up to all the playful moments that exist in every corner of life.

2. Hoard it for yourself

When you engage in play, do so for the pure joy of doing something fun for yourself. Hoard those moments so they remain magical and special to you – your fun little secrets. Avoid rushing to capture and share every one of these moments via social media. Doing so can turn what is supposed to be joyful into a plea for external validation. If you must share, journal it out.

3. Imitate children

Kids know how to play and be in the moment. Notice the fun the children in your life are having and join in! Sing along if your child is singing a song. Tell corny jokes. Giggle! Think about what you played as a child and brainstorm ways to do something similar today. Liked LEGOs? Get a new set or get creative with other ways of constructing. Loved to be outdoors? Find hiking trails, rock climbing spots, parks, or ponds that would feed your need for nature.

4. Laugh

If you’re not laughing, you’re not playing (or being playful)! A sense of humor can help you loosen up and see things – even that task you’re putting off because of boredom – from a different angle. Think of what makes you laugh and try to squeeze those moments into your day. If you enjoy being around people, spend time with friends chuckling about the week’s mishaps. For the more intellectually entertained, check out some wordplay puzzles or strategy games that make you snicker. Enjoy lighthearted fun? Then play with your spontaneity and improvise your way through a date night while giggling about your experience. Want to be whimsical? Try out something new and unusual and laugh about the memories you are creating.

[Read: How to Find Humor in Everyday with ADHD]

5. Develop games

In the words of Mary Poppins: “In every job that must be done, there is an element of fun. You find the fun and snap — the job’s a game!” So, heed her advice and turn your boring jobs and tasks into games. Can you finish washing the dishes before your favorite song ends? Can you write all of your daily work emails without using the word “but”? As you sit at the doctor’s office, can you alphabetically pick out objects around you until you reach the last letter? Games are everywhere—you just need to task yourself to find them.

How to Not Be Bored: Next Steps

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CELEBRATING 25 YEARS OF ADDITUDE
Since 1998, ADDitude has worked to provide ADHD education and guidance through webinars, newsletters, community engagement, and its groundbreaking magazine. To support ADDitude’s mission, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

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I talk too much.

For as long as I can remember, the urge to express and connect has been a constant one, for better or worse. On the plus side, I find my gift of gab makes me incredibly transparent. People don’t often have to wonder what I’m thinking, and I’ve never been accused of being duplicitous or inauthentic.

Being hyperverbal has other benefits, too. From the moment my kids were born, I talked to them incessantly, seizing every opportunity to impart my personal musings on various topics of interest — photosynthesis and the water cycle; the earth and space; the genius of the Coen Brothers; the history of feminism; the Civil Rights movement; the Trail of Tears; Frodo and the Ring, and the merits of Beck as an artist — in exhaustive detail. They could both speak in complete sentences before age one, and now that they’re big kids, we all overcommunicate.

More often, though, my excessive talking gets me into trouble. Like most people with ADHD, I struggle with emotional regulation and impulse control, which, for me, frequently manifests in unfiltered verbal output. This can make me seem friendly and approachable (I am), but it can also be off-putting and make conversations terribly awkward. I tend to overshare personal information or express fleeting thoughts and emotions without considering how they might be perceived. Because I care tremendously about other people’s feelings (empath, here), I experience deep regret following many social interactions, especially when I realize I’ve been insensitive to another person’s perspective, or when I’ve said something that I don’t truly mean.

Once, at the end of a key long-term relationship in my young life, a former romantic partner told me I had “no tact at all,” and although it was a bit of an overstatement, I had to admit that he wasn’t entirely wrong. The advent of social media made this personal shortcoming even more problematic; I had an immediate public forum for my impulsive speech and, despite the occasional frantic deleting of regretful posts on my part, there are some who have severed their connections with me as a result. This kind of reaction from others — real or perceived, digital or in person — exacerbated another defining ADHD trait for me: rejection sensitive dysphoria.

Hyperverbal to Hyperactive: Linking Excessive Talking to ADHD

I started therapy, at last, when I realized my untreated ADHD was kind of ruining my life. My thoughtful and astute therapist introduced me to the idea that hyperactivity can be mental as well as physical, and he told me that I had been misdiagnosed with inattentive ADHD as a young adult. He noted that, in fact, I experience the hyperactive component of ADHD in the form of overwhelmingly chaotic thought and speech.

[Symptom Test: Could You Have Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria?]

After a few sessions, my therapist told me I have “the most glaringly obvious case of combined ADHD” he has ever seen, and suggested that I channel some of my hyperactivity into daily exercise.

Exercise and Therapy: Outlets for Chaotic Chatter

As a former high school athlete and lifelong lover of most sports and the outdoors, I didn’t think myself a complete stranger to regular exercise. But between poor time management (thanks again, ADHD), the demands of parenting, pandemic stress, plain old anxiety, and a colorful variety of unhealthy coping mechanisms, I had unknowingly slipped into some sedentary habits. I didn’t realize how much I was missing a physical outlet. As I began to rediscover the peace and mental clarity that exercise had to offer, I also learned just how much it improved my ADHD symptoms.

After some laps in the pool, a bike ride along a greenway, a few strength training sets, or even a simple power walk around the neighborhood, I find that my working memory and executive functioning are better. I also have a greater capacity for emotional regulation and impulse control, both of which allow me to navigate social situations and other challenges more effectively.

In addition to routine exercise, therapy itself has been extremely effective in curbing my impulsive speech. My therapist is a caring, compassionate, unbiased professional who provides a safe environment in which I can dump out my racing thoughts, examine them, piece together the fragments, store those of sense and value, and leave the rest behind. Through cognitive behavioral therapy, I realized that the negative behaviors I had developed over time were an absolute drain on the finite amount of energy I possess for interaction and self-regulation.

[Read: “Oversharing Is My Default Mode. So Is the RSD-Induced Shame I Feel Afterward.”]

From practicing mindfulness and spending time in nature to writing and even getting eight hours of sleep at night, I have found a way to replenish the energy that daily life — work, household chores, investing in my kids, listening to my spouse, transitioning between tasks, problem-solving, decision-making, and yes, filtering my thoughts during social interactions — requires of me. When I find myself feeling low-energy, I try to fall back on one of the strategies that have been helping to charge my batteries.

There are still moments when I feel overwhelmed, overstimulated, or socially anxious. I sometimes feel as if I might spontaneously combust if I don’t say something to break the tension. I would be lying if I said I never wonder to myself why I’m still talking as I babble semi-coherently about some inane thing or other. I would also be lying if I said I didn’t go home after a social event just to overanalyze every unchecked word I uttered to someone. Still, I’m learning to manage my impulses more regularly, one conversation at a time.

Talking too Much and ADHD: Next Steps

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CELEBRATING 25 YEARS OF ADDITUDE
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Popular media and big-box commercials paint the back-to-school season as an exciting time, full of fresh starts and fresh school supplies. But for parents of kids with learning and thinking differences, like ADHD and dyslexia, the reality is more challenging.

Understood.org’s Back-to-School Stress Study, conducted online by The Harris Poll, revealed that parents of neurodivergent children feel a lot of stress about the back-to-school season. In fact, 94% of these parents said they feel anxious or stressed at summer’s end. Many also said they feel unprepared or scared.

The study found that parents of kids with learning and thinking differences are more likely to feel lonely than are parents without neurodivergent children.

[Free Resource: The Ultimate Back-to-School Toolkit]

The stigma around ADHD often leaves parents feeling isolated and unsupported. Sometimes other people just don’t get it. They may misinterpret a bright and capable child who is struggling as “bratty” or unwilling to “put in the work.” Until more people understand learning and thinking differences, parents of these kids will face an exhausting and often solitary battle.

The transition back to school is often very different and much harder than it is for other parents who don’t face the same challenges. But there are steps parents can take to reduce the stress, feel less isolated, and make starting the new school year a bit easier.

Here are five things that neurodivergent families can do at the start of each new school year.

1. Create Clear Expectations

Because kids with ADHD and learning differences process information differently than their neurotypical peers, new situations may overwhelm them. To help, create simple daily schedules. Talk about their new classes and teachers. If your child is attending a new school, schedule a few visits beforehand. Familiarity helps simplify routines for a child whose brain has trouble filtering through new information.

2. Practice Self-Regulation

For children with ADHD, new situations can trigger anxiety. Talk about calming techniques like deep breathing, exercise, or connecting with a friend. Learning how to manage physical reactions to stress can help kids deal with new situations.

[Sign Up for ADDitude’s Free Back-to-School Master Class]

3. Communicate with Teachers

A child with ADHD needs their teacher to be an ally. Share insights about your child’s strengths and challenges within the first few weeks of school. Discuss whether you’ll text, call, or email — and how often. This way, you can advocate for your child and suggest strategies before issues arise.

4. Rehearse Self-Advocacy Skills

Children find it easier to navigate high-stress situations when they know how to regulate their bodies and have permission to do so. Rehearse how your child can ask their teacher for a break. If your child can’t do that verbally, create a card they can share with the teacher to self-advocate.

5. Find a Community

It’s crucial for parents to join a community where they can connect with other parents and experts who understand what they’re going through. Understood.org’s Wunder app offers parents access to credible resources and experts. And they can connect with parents like them in a judgment-free space.

It’s OK — and normal — to be worried about a new school year. But taking these steps and finding a supportive community can help you start the year feeling more confident and energized.

Back-to-School Tips: Next Steps

Andrew Kahn, Psy.D., is Associate Director, Behavior Change and Expertise at Understood.

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CELEBRATING 25 YEARS OF ADDITUDE
Since 1998, ADDitude has worked to provide ADHD education and guidance through webinars, newsletters, community engagement, and its groundbreaking magazine. To support ADDitude’s mission, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

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Are you exhausted after socializing with friends? Do you feel like hiding away from the world at the end of each workday? Well, you’re not alone.

Before I was diagnosed with ADHD, I considered myself an introvert who absolutely needed regular breaks after any kind of social interaction. I’d take naps after work, exhausted from my teaching job (I reasoned that I had chosen the wrong career), as I needed to recover before making dinner and tending to family responsibilities.

But as I learned more about how neurodivergent individuals experience the world, I realized that socializing (at any level) and its effects on us extend well beyond simple notions of introversion and extroversion. It’s a lot more nuanced and complicated than that.

For many of us, our days are a meticulous balancing act. We try to manage our symptoms — which literally affect how we socialize — on top of emotional dysregulation and sensory differences, all while masking that we have anything going on with us. Is it any wonder that interacting with the outside world in any capacity leaves us feeling drained and irritable?

Navigating social exhaustion is a two-fold process. It is equally about prevention and about having the right tools to bounce back when it does happen. If you’re like me, I offer you these five strategies to help you avoid and recover from social exhaustion.

1. Pay close attention to your body.

I’ve learned to recognize the subtle signals my body sends — from slight irritability and the beginnings of fatigue — to indicate that my social exhaustion levels are rising. Before I was diagnosed, I’d ignore these signs and push through, which would only lead to social burnout. Now, I try to check in with myself throughout the day, especially when I’m socializing more than usual.

[Read: ADHD Fatigue Is a Real (Exhausting) Thing]

2. Select the communication method that works best for you.

Face-to-face conversation is often pushed as the ideal way to communicate, but I don’t think I’d be alone in saying that many of us prefer a method of communicating that is, should I say, less in-your-face.

Face-to-face communication fatigues me because I’m working hard to listen to the person’s words while analyzing their body language, navigating uncomfortable eye contact, and masking to avoid judgment and meet expectations I think others have of me.

While I don’t mind face-to-face talk in small doses, I much prefer non-verbal avenues to keep in touch with friends, such as messenger apps, text messages, and e-mail. I find it alleviates a lot of the aforementioned expectations that quickly lead to social exhaustion.

On that note…

3. Connect with like-minded people.

Have you ever felt an instant connection with someone of the same neurotype as you? Having like-minded friends who like to socialize and connect in the same way I do feels like a lifeline. After all, it’s not like I don’t appreciate connecting with others. It’s just that I, like many other neurodivergent individuals, need to connect in different ways and doses than most neurotypical people do.

[Read: “My Best Friend Doesn’t ‘Tolerate’ My ADHD. She Values It.”]

I have a handful of friends with whom I can have conversations made up entirely of memes and videos, no words needed. It allows us to maintain a healthy connection on our own terms.

4. Set boundaries.

Yes, setting boundaries is hard. Socializing can sometimes feel obligatory, as we want to avoid potentially hurting others’ feelings if we reject their invites and attempts at connecting.

I would often say yes to things that I knew would exhaust me. That was until someone put it to me this way: When you say yes to something, you are ultimately saying no to something else. It absolutely changed how I decided what I would commit to. If you say yes to attending yet another work happy hour or to staying late to volunteer when you’ve already had a long day, it might mean that you’re saying no to time with your kids, to energy you could’ve used for a hobby you love, or to the down time you know you need to persevere through the rest of the week.

5. Schedule recovery time.

When I know I’ve hit my socializing limit, I schedule a day free from virtually all human interaction. I call it a reboot day. I put my phone away and shut off everything that signals social obligation. I also surround myself with my favorite snacks, my pets, and a good book or a new movie. It’s the reset I need to keep me going; your reset may look different from mine.

In all, there are so many ways to bounce back after social exhaustion. Often, it’s simply a case of trial and error to find out what works for you.

Social Exhaustion and ADHD: Next Steps

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CELEBRATING 25 YEARS OF ADDITUDE
Since 1998, ADDitude has worked to provide ADHD education and guidance through webinars, newsletters, community engagement, and its groundbreaking magazine. To support ADDitude’s mission, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

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The first time I remember feeling different from others was in primary school. I was about 6 years old, and the local firefighters had just wrapped up their visit to our school (a highly anticipated event). We were to spend the remainder of the day drawing and coloring. The day couldn’t get any better!

I gazed at my teacher for instructions, but as the words left her mouth, they floated into a pink twisty cloud before they evaporated into thin air, as they always seemed to do.

I asked, “Miss, can we draw anything?”

“Yes, of course,” she said. “And make it as big and colorful as you want.”

So off I went. I was determined to use every crayon we had. As I drew, a thought entered my head: Why weren’t my classmates using all the colors like I was? I mean, that’s what the teacher had told us. It was an unequivocal, clear instruction. They’re silly. They didn’t listen. I sniggered to myself, so proud of my listening skills as I continued to draw.

When I finished, I confidently marched up to the teacher to show her my drawing. The reaction on her face wasn’t what I was expecting. “Oh, that’s very nice, but why have you drawn a set of balloons?” she asked.

[Read: What I Wish My Son’s Teachers Knew About Him and ADHD]

All of a sudden, my stomach curled inwards. I felt heat rising from my neck, up through my cheeks, almost in perfect time to the rising chorus of laughs throughout the room.

“Oh no, she drew some balloons!” a student said. As I dared myself to gaze around the class, I noticed, to my horror, drawing after drawing of fire engines. Of course, some kids had only managed to draw a couple of wheels or the beginnings of a fireman, but there was no doubt that each and every kid in that class had followed what the teacher had asked them to do. Except me.

And so began my introduction to feeling like the one who never quite got it.

Understanding the Neurodivergent Brain

My life has been peppered with times when my brain didn’t process information in the same way that my peers’ brains had. In those moments, I was often brought back to the acute vulnerability I felt as a child.

But since becoming a learning differences specialist, I have been fortunate to learn a lot more about brain differences. I understand that we all process and learn differently — we are not robots designed to perfectly compute every piece of information we receive in the same manner. I also understand that differences in cognitive processing can affect areas like attention, memory, focus, and problem-solving, and impact so many areas of life, especially for neurodivergent individuals.

[Read: How Teachers Can Initiate and Promote Inclusive Education]

I know and appreciate the fact that intelligence is multifaceted and complex, and that we all exhibit unique strengths across different domains of intelligence. That intelligence can’t be reduced to a single type. Some people may excel in logical reasoning, while others may have exceptional artistic or interpersonal skills. Traditional tools that measure intelligence, such as IQ tests, only capture a limited aspect of human intelligence and may not reflect an individual’s full range of abilities.

With all we know about the brain, and with a greater understanding and acceptance of differences in functioning, I look at words like ‘stupid,’ ‘lazy,’ and ‘slow’— words that should have never had a place in our vocabulary to start — with such disdain and confusion. With such diversity in brain processing and functioning, how could these terms have ever applied?

Embracing Neurodiversity

Today, I am much more self-assured and comfortable about exposing my ‘vulnerabilities.’ If I am simply not getting what’s going on in a meeting, I raise my hand and say that I don’t understand, or I ask if the talking point can be explained in a more visual way. If that’s not possible, I explain that I will take some time to process the information and will follow up (missing word here) if I still have questions.

Being open about the way my brain processes the world, I’ve noticed, encourages others to reveal their own differences. It creates a different dynamic in the room, where the energy is open and honest. It’s a dynamic I strive for all children — especially neurodivergent youth —to experience. With one in five people being neurodivergent, children need ample opportunity to witness and embrace the rich diversity of human brain function. That’s how they can develop the confidence to accept and embrace their own brains, differences and all, without shame.

Neurodivergent Brains: Next Steps

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CELEBRATING 25 YEARS OF ADDITUDE
Since 1998, ADDitude has worked to provide ADHD education and guidance through webinars, newsletters, community engagement, and its groundbreaking magazine. To support ADDitude’s mission, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

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For most college students, motivation soars at the start of each new semester. But as assignments, tests, and obligations pile on, motivation wanes and threatens to fizzle out entirely.

To stay motivated in college, it’s important to continuously connect your obligations to your values and to the bigger picture. You must also establish systems to help you maintain steady drive through the beginning, middle, and end of each college semester. Here is one way to do that:

1. Start with your values

Every semester, you’re likely enrolled in courses that spark your interest — and courses that don’t. Motivation may happen naturally for classes that align with your personal and professional interests, but what about the rest? Boost your motivation across the board with a few reflective questions that aim to connect your courses to your values.

• What’s important to me?
• What would a great day as a student look like?
• What is interesting to me about my courses? How do they connect to what’s important to me?
• What do I want to get out of my courses (besides a good grade)? This is an especially important question for courses that provoke boredom, unease, or even dread. Connecting the course to something you value can make the difference between dragging yourself through the course and stretching yourself in a way that builds experience and confidence.

[Read: 13 Survival Tips from College Graduates with ADHD]

2. Set up an organization system

Problems with motivation, including procrastination, often occur when we’re unclear about the task(s) in front of us. You’ll find it easier to stay motivated and reduce overwhelm if you have a clear picture of what’s required of you and if you set up a plan to hit all your goals in each course.

• Review the syllabus and online info for each of your courses as soon as they become available. Order any books you need. See if any assignments are due the first day of class.
• Set up your personal online calendar with class times and major deadlines for the semester.
• Be sure to incorporate study and self-care time in your calendar. Click here for more tips to reduce stress and stay organized in college.

3. Set up a support system

Lean on others — including your school — to help keep you accountable through the semester and actively engaged in learning, even when your motivation dips.

[Read: How to Succeed in College with ADHD — Evidence-Based Strategies That Work]

• Is there a parent or adult in your life who would love to hear more about your experience at college? Enlist them as a partner to whom you can speak periodically about what you’re learning in your courses. Use these conversations to see the big picture and connect your studies to your values and goals.
• Join a study group or schedule regular study sessions with a classmate.
• Use your school’s resources.
  • Commit to checking out the writing or study center. Schedule an appointment early in the semester and bring in any assignment, even if you don’t need too much help with it. The point is to become familiar with the resource so you can take advantage of it when you’re facing a challenging assignment or a bout of procrastination.
  • If a teaching assistant holds a review session, go to it. If your professor offers office hours, schedule a meeting, and prepare some questions or reflections from the class to discuss.

Throughout the semester, take some time to check in with yourself at the end of each week. Ask yourself: What’s working? What do I want to keep doing? What do I want to change? Keeping track of your progress in this way will help you stay motivated and get the most out of your semester.

How to Stay Motivated in College: Next Steps

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CELEBRATING 25 YEARS OF ADDITUDE
Since 1998, ADDitude has worked to provide ADHD education and guidance through webinars, newsletters, community engagement, and its groundbreaking magazine. To support ADDitude’s mission, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

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Anne Duncan experienced high, persistent anxieties and social difficulties during her 12 years as a teacher. Discouraged, she left teaching and spent three years searching for a different occupation, eventually turning to administrative work. She connected with Crossroads, a disability employment group in Sacramento, and volunteered in several clerical roles before accepting a position with the California Department of Corrections, which has proved to be a better fit over the last nine years.

Paul Nussbaum held and lost a series of jobs in his 20s and 30s. Over the past 15 years, he has settled into a combination of a handyman business and seasonal employment with Ascendigo, the sports program based in Colorado for children and adults with autism.

Both Anne and Paul were diagnosed with autism in adulthood. “Being diagnosed at age 40 with autism after a long, hard struggle with employment, academics, and major communication and social issues, the light bulb went on,” Paul said. “I learned about autism and found there is a huge population, just like me, with the same struggles.”

[Get This Free Resource: Autism Evaluation Checklist]

In Northern California, the Autism Job Club has begun to chronicle and detail the professional journeys of its members over 40, including their experiences and advice for younger workers. And though many members experienced multiple job losses in the first decade or two of working, that’s rarely the full story. Over time, many have found their niche in the job market — thanks, in large part, to maturity, an acceptance of workplace protocols, and finally finding a skill fit.

For most, finding that fit takes patience and persistence. After decades in food service (including five years of making lunches in a children’s autism program), Sarah Howard, 51, earned a degree from Cal State University, Stanislaus, in geography in 2020. The following year, she obtained a remote work position as an Apple Junior GIS technician, but within four months she and her employer decided “it wasn’t a good fit.”

“It was a very dry job, and I am way too extroverted for a remote work like that,” she said. Currently she is volunteering at Learning Quest, an adult literacy program, and pursuing a Master’s degree in non-profit management.

Mark Romoser, in his late 50s, has a degree from Yale. He held jobs with disability advocacy groups for 15 years, before being laid off in 2016. He currently works 10 hours a week at a high school for neurodivergent students and hopes to get back into the advocacy field.

[Read: How to Gauge Diversity, Equity & Inclusion — Key Questions to Ask in an Interview]

These stories echoed true for members of the Autism Job Club during a recent virtual meeting. An older parent spoke of her son, 47, and his job journey: “When he was in his 20s he wanted to be an animator, and but was not able to get a job at that. He then tried other fields, such as auto mechanic and assembler in a motorcycle dealership, and was not able to hold a steady job, mainly due to social and performance pressures. He does drive, and about 10 years ago began volunteering with a paratransit service and Meals on Wheels. He subsequently obtained his Class B license and secured full-time employment driving a paratransit bus. He has been employed there for more than 7 years. He enjoys the job and is good at it, and the riders like him. It took a long time, but he finally found a role.”

It’s never too late for adults with ADHD, autism, or other learning differences to find their perfect career fit — regardless of discouraging earlier job disappointments. The strategies for job placement later in life include the following:

• Utilize the free resources available through the vocational rehabilitation and disability services agencies in most states. Most states have two separate agencies of vocational rehabilitation and developmental disabilities, and many neurodiverse adults take advantage of resources available through both. As a job seeker, you cannot leave your job search to these agencies, but you should utilize their resources in a partnership effort.
• Utilize the business networks of family and friends, and networks of the extra-governmental neurodiversity groups. Don’t ignore the online job listings, but these are usually very competitive. Personal contacts and referrals still are the best lead into a company.
• It’s a numbers game; plan to apply for 40 to 50 jobs, not 4 or 5. When I started in the employment field in the late 1970s, I would recommend applying for at least 4 to 5 jobs. Now I recommend applying to 10 times that number. The competition for nearly all jobs has gotten much higher over the years.

Most of all, don’t try to do it alone. There is an infrastructure of governmental and extra-governmental resources to which you are entitled to and should draw on.

Career Advice for Autistic Adults: Next Steps

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CELEBRATING 25 YEARS OF ADDITUDE
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A cozy evening. I have completed all my chores and I’m snugly wrapped in my cherished threadbare pajamas. In my hand is a piping-hot cup of coffee emanating comforting warmth. While the outside world remains chaotic and unpredictable, within the confines of my cozy place, I discover ease in the inviting glow of my familiar laptop screen.

Pondering what to watch tonight, I consider a multitude of options. And yet, I am irresistibly drawn back to the same three TV shows — ones I’ve indulged in far too many times to count over the past 20 years.

Rewatching TV Shows: The ADHD Explanation

So what are the three TV series that have captivated me for two decades? Drum roll, please!

1. Friends. As Chandler would say, this iconic sitcom is my lobster.
2. Charmed. The series cast a spell over me that hasn’t faded over time. I even started making my own Book of Shadows, which got lost when I moved out of my first apartment.
3. Grey’s Anatomy. I dreamed of becoming a surgeon because of this show (a nonsense dream now). Either way, I still love the show and learning all about strange diseases.

You might be thinking: What kind of sane person would watch the same handful of TV shows over and over? It’s a reasonable question that has even crossed my own mind. For me, it has just about everything to do with ADHD.

Tuning into a New Show Is a Chore

Diving into a brand-new TV series is difficult — even exhausting — with a brain that wrestles with attention and focus. The tiniest distractions are enough to pull me away from understanding the plot of a new show. I’ll decide to quickly scroll through Instagram before realizing that I missed a whole episode.

[Read: I Like TV the Way I Like Big Projects — In Small Chunks]

But with familiar TV shows, none of this is an issue. I can zone out and still know exactly what’s happening. I already know the twists and turns that lay ahead. I am spared the burden of memorizing character names and keeping track of complex storylines. I can fully engage with the story without constantly feeling like I’m missing something.

ADHD Needs Predictability

I already know your next question: Doesn’t watching the same shows get boring? Sure, novelty can be thrilling for those of us with ADHD. But it can also be overwhelming. That’s why a dash of predictability can be so soothing. Returning to my favorite TV shows gives my restless mind the sense of comfort and familiarity it often needs. They’re my escape from the wild world outside. When everything else spirals into a mess, at least I know that Ross and Rachel will survive their rollercoaster romance.

Decision Fatigue in the Golden Age of TV

Especially in today’s fast-paced world where new shows are released at astonishing rates, sticking to the same three feels like a no-brainer. While there’s so much great new content out there that teases the senses, it’s also a minefield of decision fatigue and mental exhaustion. I’ve caught myself aimlessly scrolling through streaming platforms for something new to put on, only to be overwhelmed by the minefield of choices just about every time. I’ve seen endless trailers for potential shows and have read countless series descriptions, but in the end, I usually give up and watch nothing.

If I stick with my tried-and-true series, it’s akin to choosing vanilla at the ice cream shop. I know it’s delicious, and it’s probably better than going for that weird flavor hiding chunks of bubblegum or Swedish fish.

[Read: “How a TV Show Helped Connect Me and My Teenage Son”]

A Trip Down Memory Lane

Of course, my unwavering devotion to these shows goes beyond ADHD. For one, they are shows that are just too good to let go. But they also hold a special place in my heart because they stood with me during some of the most challenging times of my life. They offered a much-needed escape when the weight of the world felt unbearable, and they provided a form of companionship when solitude threatened to consume me. Watching these shows over time has reminded me of where I am on my own journey, and the profound role these characters and their stories have played in shaping my own narrative.

Watching the Same Show Over and Over: Next Steps

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Just as overeating can overwhelm our digestive systems and cause us to develop symptoms of indigestion, traumatic experiences can get “stuck” in our nervous system, leading to ongoing distress and negative emotions and beliefs. Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) therapy helps individuals heal from the experiences that haunt them rather than simply learn to cope with them.

EMDR can be especially beneficial for adults with ADHD or comorbid conditions, such as anxiety, depression, or post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), because it targets underlying traumatic experiences (i.e., childhood abuse, shame, neglect, bullying, etc.) that may contribute to symptoms. The evidence-based therapy works by engaging several neurophysiological processes, which is a fancy way of saying that EMDR relies on the nervous system’s natural healing abilities to reprocess a distressing memory or experience, ultimately reducing or eliminating debilitating symptoms.¹

The key component of EMDR is bilateral stimulation (BLS) — the therapy doesn’t work without it. BLS stimulates both sides of the brain through eye movements, tapping, or listening to alternating tones. It stimulates similar processes experienced during the rapid eye movement (REM) sleep phase, an essential part of memory consolidation. BLS “taxes” or “breaks” a targeted memory, making it hard for a client to focus on it causing the memory to lose its negative emotional charge. A client can still recall a negative memory just without the negative feelings.

How Does EMDR Work?

A misconception about EMDR is that it’s a magic bullet and will work seamlessly for everyone. That’s not true. The therapy takes time and preparation to work effectively. The client and therapist focus on building coping skills and a safe therapeutic relationship before identifying memories to target and treat using EMDR techniques.

In total, EMDR therapy consists of eight phases, including: ²,³

EMDR Phase 1: Client History

The therapist takes a detailed client history to identify their readiness and suitability for treatment.

EMDR Phase 2: Preparation

The therapist sets reasonable expectations and trains the client on various self-control techniques to maintain stability between and during the sessions.

[Get Our Free Guide to Natural Treatment Options]

EMDR Phase 3: Assessment

The client and therapist jointly identify the target memory on which they will work.

EMDR Phase 4: Desensitization

The client uses BLS to change the targeted memory’s trauma-related sensory experiences and associations.

EMDR Phase 5: Installation

The client identifies the new positive statements and associations they hold about the experience, now that it’s resolved.

EMDR Phase 6: Body Scan

The client scans their body for any somatic response related to the targeted memory. If present, the therapist targets this body sensation for further processing.

EMDR Phase 7: Closure

The therapist explains what to expect between sessions and asks the client to record any disturbances experienced between sessions. The therapist also takes time to help relieve any distress from the session so the client feels regulated upon leaving the session.

EMDR Phase 8: Reassessment

The therapist evaluates the EMDR treatment’s effectiveness.

A typical EMDR session lasts one hour; however, some therapists offer intensive sessions for 90 minutes or several hours. It may take several sessions to process a targeted memory. Clients who have experienced complex trauma may need several months of EMDR therapy; clients who already have coping skills and aren’t afraid to feel emotions and body sensations may rapidly move through EMDR treatment in a few weeks. It depends on the client’s goals, the strength of their nervous system, and how many memories need to be processed.

After a successful EMDR session, my clients typically experience reduced distress and vividness associated with the negative memory and report that a previously difficult experience “no longer bothers them.” They also report reduced symptoms associated with the memory and more peace and joy in their lives.

[Free Self-Test: General Anxiety Disorder in Adults]

EMDR for Children

EMDR therapy is not only appropriate for adults. It is a child-friendly and developmentally appropriate therapy for children and adolescents. Therapists can tailor EMDR treatment to meet the needs of each child by using fun and engaging techniques, such as storytelling, drawing, and play therapy, to help children feel safe and comfortable while processing their traumas.

More importantly, EMDR therapy can help children with ADHD and comorbid conditions develop coping skills and strategies to manage their symptoms more effectively. For example, it can teach them relaxation techniques to reduce anxiety, improve their ability to focus and complete tasks, and help them develop healthy communication and relationship skills.

It is important to note that EMDR can be an overwhelming and vulnerable therapy; treatment should only occur with a trained EMDR professional — and only after both the professional and client are ready for it.

By helping individuals process and release negative emotions associated with traumatic experiences, EMDR therapy can alleviate anxiety, depression, and PTSD symptoms and even reduce some symptoms associated with ADHD. While EMDR will not alleviate an ADHD diagnosis, it can help those who struggle with ADHD symptoms live a happier, more productive life. EMDR helps clients to develop a more positive self-image, self-confidence, and live a better quality of life.

To find a licensed EMDR professional, visit emdria.org.

EMDR Therapy: Next Steps

Rebecca Kase, MSW, LCSW, RYT, a member of emdria.org, and an emdria-approved trainer and consultant.

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CELEBRATING 25 YEARS OF ADDITUDE
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Household chores have a way of piling up, don’t they? Work and other obligations take up most of our days, so when we do have free time, the last thing we want to do is even more work. Yet, as we all know, routine maintenance supports a functional household — and improves our mental health.

My clients with ADHD have shared with me all the ways that chores get sidelined, interrupted, and avoided due to ADHD. The never-ending nature of chores makes getting started and staying motivated nearly impossible. Distractions and competing priorities keep chores in a perpetually incomplete state. And no matter the issue, problems vanquishing household chores almost always lead to feelings of frustration and incompetence.

The only way to help you start, persist, and finish those pesky household chores (and do it all again) is to come up with a system that works for you. That may require you to take a step back and reassess your current approach to chores. Here are five steps to help you rethink chores, get motivated to clean, and follow an upkeep process that fits your life.

[Get This Free Download: How to Tidy Up Your Home Like a Pro]

1. Identify all the household chores that are important to you. Think of the bare minimum that you need to feel good in your living space. Is it a dining table clear of clutter? No clothes on the floor? Take the time to write out a list of realistic to-dos that matter to you, even if they are challenging to complete.

2. Break down all chores into their smallest steps to reduce overwhelm. A multi-step chore like “doing laundry,” for example, turns into sort clothes; wash clothes; dry clothes; dump dry clothes into basket; bring basket to the bedroom; and so on. Smaller steps are easier to tackle and allow you to be more realistic about what you can accomplish.

3. Set times for completing chores (and tasks) in a way that fits with your lifestyle. Is it best to schedule a block of time to work through all the chores on your list? Or would it be better to do one or two small chores daily? Would you be more productive first thing in the morning or at end of your day? Can you do the first two steps of a chore today, and the rest tomorrow? The key here is to be honest with yourself about reasonable ways to incorporate household chores into your daily life.

4. Identify your sore spots and obstacles to starting chores. What makes starting a particular chore difficult for you?

• Does it seem like the chore (or a step within it) will take too long? Then set a timer and commit to working on the chore or step for just 10 minutes. (Or any amount of time that is doable for you.) When the timer rings, reassess if you want to continue or come back to it at your next designated chore time.
• Does the thought of gathering supplies and tools to do the chore turn you away? We’re often quick to dismiss pre-chore work as an actual step to complete a chore, so be sure to add “locating supplies” on your chore breakdown. To save time, store supplies for a given chore in a single container and/or within a space where they are more readily available. (For example, consider keeping tub cleaning supplies in your shower instead of somewhere else within the bathroom.)
• Are some chores simply too tedious? Infuse some enjoyment to help you persist! Listen to music, a podcast, or an audiobook while you work. Chew gum and blow bubbles while you tidy up. Call a friend while you clean. (A form of body doubling.) Splurge and buy a fun tool or supply that will make a chore more enjoyable. Gamify chores by competing against others (or even yourself) until the timer stops or until the end of a song.
• Do you only feel “activated” to do chores under pressure? It’s good to let go of strict rules and “shoulds” around house upkeep and chores. That said, if a sense of urgency is the only thing that motivates you to do chores, consider inviting guests to your place so that you have a firmer deadline for getting chores done.

[Read: “I Absolutely Hate Everything About…” Your Most Detested and Avoided Household Chores]

5. Help yourself stay on track while doing chores.

• Create visual reminders of your chores and tasks. Externalize your to-dos to jog your memory. Some ideas: A simple to-do list on a large whiteboard; a color-coded chore sheet (on your calendar or on an actual sheet of paper); a notecard deck of individual chores (completed chore cards can be put in a separate pile or moved to the back of the deck). Put your visual reminder of the chosen chore in a noticeable place so you can look at it periodically to check that you are still on task.
• When you start a chore, set a timer to go off every few minutes. Each time it goes off, ask yourself, “Am I still on my intended task?”
• Keep sticky notes on hand to write down other things and to-dos that cross your mind so those thoughts don’t interrupt your chore time. Stick the note anywhere where you’re guaranteed not to miss it. (Like on your bathroom mirror.) If sticky notes aren’t your thing, consider adding it to your calendar or a to-do list app. You can even set the to-do as an alarm on your phone (to ring in a few hours).

6. Take time to notice your accomplishments. Once you’ve completed a chore, take in how the area looks and feels. Grab a picture of your space and print a copy to remind yourself of how good it feels to successfully manage your home. With each step of a chore, share your progress with a friend or family member who will cheer you on. Reflect on the strategies that were most helpful to you in the process so you can continue to use them in the future.

How to Get Motivated to Clean: Next Steps

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CELEBRATING 25 YEARS OF ADDITUDE
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From the sanctuary of my rooftop, I listened as my family clamored around the dinner table, laughing, joking, and chatting away. In my usual hideaway, I gazed up at the stars and wondered why I never felt like I fit in anywhere, not even with my own family. At 15 years old, I felt like a misfit and a burden. I was certain my family would be a lot happier if I weren’t around.

Growing up around my siblings was tough. I longed for their approval, but “be quiet,” “sit still,” and “go away” were among their most common responses to me. My behaviors irked them and made me a target. It took a long time for me to understand what was so wrong about me and why I couldn’t connect the way I wanted to with my family. My behaviors, I learned, were primarily the result of undiagnosed ADHD and OCD, and my family was reacting to symptoms that were too difficult for them to understand at the time.

The Odd One Out

I remember driving my siblings mad at bedtime, to the point where they would yell at me to, “Shut up and go to sleep!” To be fair, I would talk non-stop into the night. As soon as my head hit the pillow, my brain lit up, filling with zig-zagging pathways of wonder and questions.

I wanted to talk about anything and everything. I had big existential questions. I wanted to discuss the deep connections I felt to some movie characters. I wanted to share a million facts about galaxies and talk in-depth about whatever book I was consumed by that week. But my sisters did not want any of it. Their neurotypical brains slowed down at night (as is normal), and sleep came easy. (Once I finally stopped talking, that is!)

It wasn’t just at night that I irritated them. My repetitive behaviors, like playing the same song over and over again (like over a hundred times each day) for months, or watching the same movie endlessly, also drove them away.

[Read: Parenting the Child Whose Sibling Has ADHD]

Sometimes, I’d fall into patterns of washing my hands so much they were red and raw. I’d also avoid touching anything with my hands or allowing anyone to touch me (I carried around hand sanitizer long before COVID). I couldn’t eat food that others had touched, and I couldn’t stand anyone sitting on my bedspread lest they leave behind germs.

My siblings often made fun of me for my “germaphobia,” and would intentionally try to rile me up by sitting on my bed or touching me with unwashed hands. Angry, emotionally dysregulated, and hypersensitive (which I later learned was rejection sensitive dysphoria), my responses to their teasing were deemed over-the-top. I would be disciplined for my “bad” behavior, and I frequently carried a deep sense of shame and embarrassment for being so “mean,” “crazy,” and such a “problem.”

I was constantly seeking affection and attention from my siblings, who only saw me as needy and overbearing. When they teased me, the physical heartache I experienced was real. When they pushed me away, the rejection I felt was so deep I found it debilitating. So, I’d retreat to the rooftop, just me and the stars.

This is a Victory Story

My siblings and I did the best we could do at a time when there was very little education or acceptance around behaviors like mine. We’ve all learned a lot along the way.

[Read: When ADHD Drains and Strains Sibling Relationships]

The behaviors I exhibited in childhood that caused so much strife were traits of real mental health conditions and neurodivergence — body-focused repetitive behaviors, OCD compulsions, and stimming (self-stimulation). I also learned that these behaviors were my way of self-soothing to reduce stress and anxiety. Today, diagnosed and treated, these behaviors (and trying to cope with them) sometimes still drive me (and my husband this time) crazy.

I’ve spent a lot of time masking and dealing with self-hate and insecurity, but that’s changing. Now, for the most part, I can speak openly with my siblings about the challenges I faced growing up around them as I dealt with undiagnosed mental health challenges. I understand myself better, and can take in their perspectives, too. We find ourselves reflecting on our own children, how we see so much of ourselves in them, and how learning and healing together forges a new path for them. We try to remember, for the most part, that just because things used to be a certain way doesn’t mean that they still have to be.

It’s a choice to see only the bad parts of the past; it’s a much better choice to focus on the victories instead.

ADHD and Sibling Strife: Next Steps

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Imagine this: You’ve never seen a Rubik’s Cube before and, frankly, you have no prior experience working with puzzles of any kind. Yet you’ve been tasked with completing the Rubik’s Cube with no help. Oh, and you have to solve it in the next 30 minutes.

This is how a child with ADHD feels when told to tidy their room. (Though, to be fair, many adults with ADHD feel this way, too.) It’s a baffling, insurmountable task with no real beginning or end. After all, a room has different areas, different furniture, and lots of different ‘stuff’ strewn all around in a giant mess. It is an abstract monster!

I know how dreadful and confusing tidying can be because I was that child. I grew up the eldest of four children, and I shared a bedroom with my brother. When it was time to clean our room, we drew an imaginary line down the middle of the floor and always argued over whether it was a fair partitioning of our space. But once the borders were settled, my brother proceeded to attack his side of the room with consummate ease. In the short time it took him to finish, my mind had wandered several times to several different topics — anything from the thing I’d seen across the road from our window to Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and some toys I had forgotten about that I suddenly wanted to play with.

My mind wandered because I was unable to work out where to begin tidying. Something else would always catch my attention. I’d hear plenty of complaints from my parents — if my brother could do it just fine, why couldn’t I?

Today, I’m the adult with four children. At 39, I was diagnosed with ADHD. Like most people with a late diagnosis, I went through a period of profound reflection; I finally knew what I was working with (and against), and it was a weight lifted off my shoulders.

[Get This Free Download: Organizing Strategies for Children with ADHD]

My youngest boy, 10, also has ADHD. It was his assessment process that made me sit up and take note of all his symptoms and how they mirrored my own behaviors and challenges from childhood to this day. I understood, at last, that ADHD can make things like tidying a messy room feel like battling an abstract monster. Our brains find it very hard to look at a shapeless, scary problem and break it down into manageable chunks.

How to Clean Your Room: My Guide, ADHD-Style

When I ask my boys to clean their shared room, I know what to expect from the smallest. While I don’t have all the answers, I did eventually learn this process for breaking down all kinds of abstract monsters:

• Take a piece of paper, write the abstract thing at the top (in this case, tidying the room), and draw a box around it.
• Take two minutes to think about the different facets of the abstract thing. Write those as subheadings, also in their own boxes. For tidying, I have my child pick any part of the room; the exact location or task doesn’t matter. If they’re really struggling to pick, I have them toss a pair of socks over their head — where they land is as good a place as any to begin. Coat hangers, toy cars, and dirty clothes are all good subheadings.
• Work each subheading independently. Pick up the coat hangers and put them back in the closet. Then focus on the toys. Where did those toys live before they ended up on the floor? Cool, put them back there. Then, dirty clothes — are they really dirty? Check them. If they are, put them in the wash basket. If they aren’t, put them on your newly hung-up hangers, or in a drawer.

This process doesn’t have to be perfect or even neat. It just has to help with getting started and staying on task. For my boy, I think of it as bumper rails to help him tidy his room more effectively, and with less arguing. When he gets overwhelmed, I help get him back on track with some calming words and refer him back to the above process. I can’t and won’t tidy his room for him because he will meet all manner of challenges in life that will certainly be more complicated than tidying a room. I know that helping him develop processes or coping mechanisms now will pay dividends later in his life.

[Read: The Daily Habits of Organized Kids]

So next time your kids struggle with something as “simple” as cleaning their room, take a second to remember that what you see as a straightforward task can be a scary, unwieldy project for ADHD minds. A bit of guidance in breaking down the abstract monster might be just the thing they need to succeed.

Clean Your Room with ADHD: Next Steps

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On the surface, ADHD and OCD are seemingly impossible bedfellows. “Messy,” “hyperactive,” and “scatterbrained” are just a few common synonyms for the former, while the latter is frequently associated with being exceedingly clean, uptight, and meticulous. (While some of these assumptions about these disorders are accurate for some people, they cannot be generalized or applied to everyone.)

Yet, that’s precisely the combination I have. Research shows that up to 30% of people with ADHD also have OCD.

In my reality, ADHD and OCD are codependent frenemies that sometimes help balance each other, even as they egg on one another.

OCD and ADHD Feed Off Each Other

My OCD diagnosis came first, and it never quite felt like the whole picture. I had trouble focusing, which is a common struggle in OCD that stems from difficulty managing compulsive symptoms. Still, it didn’t explain the day-to-day distractibility I experienced. It also didn’t explain my childhood issues with school or my impulsivity. When my psychiatrist added the ADHD diagnosis, it all suddenly made sense.

OCD and ADHD both think they are helpful. ADHD knows you need more dopamine, but it fails to differentiate between healthy and unhealthy sources. OCD wants to relieve anxiety; it just tends to do so in maladaptive ways.

[Get This Free Download: How Are Symptoms of OCD Different from ADHD?]

Converse to its stereotype, ADHD also brings hyperfocus – a curious combination with OCD, as “obsessive” is right in the name. For ADHD brains, obsessions are a way to get the stimulation your brain thinks it needs. For OCD, obsessions are a catalyst for the compulsion part of the disorder. The two frequently exacerbate each other for me; this was especially true before I understood that I have both.

The interplay might go something like this: I have an obsessive thought that creates anxiety. So I perform a compulsive action or thought to make it better. Making it better gives relief, and relief makes dopamine. Therefore, the compulsion not only relieves the anxiety temporarily but also activates my brain. Trying to avoid a compulsion, on the other hand, produces a hefty dose of adrenaline while dopamine and serotonin perform an endless dance in my brain.

OCD exploits the poor impulse control of ADHD. It is so much easier to “give in” to a compulsion for that quick relief.

As a kid, ADHD contributed to feelings of shame. I felt like I was lazy and could not do anything right. I felt like a failure and understood that I was not “living up to my potential.” OCD feeds on shame; its what-ifs led me farther into this spiral. What if my obsessions and intrusive thoughts meant that I was a terrible person? And what if, as a horrible person, I was truly lazy?

[Read: The Truth About Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder]

While “I have OCD” is accurate, it doesn’t mean that the disorder rules everything that I think about and do. For instance, I am not neat and orderly, and germs don’t bother me beyond what feels rational. Those aren’t my particular flavors of OCD. So while it’s true that OCD and ADHD have functional and physiological differences, there is room in my brain for both.

OCD tends to resemble a game of whack-a-mole, with new worries and obsessions popping up just as others begin to feel manageable. ADHD means I can always find new ideas to turn into intrusive thoughts.

Uncertainty fuels OCD, and ADHD produces a lot of uncertainty. For example, it’s challenging to reassure yourself that you locked the car when you have forgotten to do so many times before.

OCD and ADHD: Too Intertwined to Tease Apart

However, I suspect ADHD works to keep OCD in check in some ways. For example, people with comorbid ADHD and OCD are more likely to experience mainly thought-based compulsions, which I find less disruptive than any physical compulsions I experience. Sometimes, the distractability of ADHD smooths the roughest edges of my OCD.

I also think ADHD makes OCD therapy more successful for me. Having a breakthrough, figuring something out, and relieving shame all bring the jolt of dopamine my brain craves. So, in some ways, their coexistence led me to more effective treatment.

It would be great if neurodivergence and symptoms of mental conditions could fit nicely into individual columns. If only we could say, “this compulsion clangs around in the OCD bucket,” “that quirk lines the bottom of the ADHD basket,” and “that neurosis fits in the wider anxiety container.” But it’s rarely that easy. While OCD and ADHD are opposites in some ways, they are also too intertwined to tease apart.

OCD and ADHD Together: Next Steps

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CELEBRATING 25 YEARS OF ADDITUDE
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June 13, 2023

Whoever says the Adderall shortage is over is living on a different planet. I have dozens of patients who rely on Adderall and who panic every month. Whenever it’s time to refill their prescriptions, the drama begins: Where can I find the medication I need?

This uncertainty is causing extreme hardship for many of my patients. While stimulant medication is not exactly like insulin (you won’t likely die without it), it is like eyeglasses. Without your glasses, your execution of everything suffers. You go about your day making mistakes, bumping into things, risking getting fired because suddenly you’re incompetent. I wish the Adderall shortage were over, but up here in the Boston area at least, it is as bad as it’s ever been.

I can’t figure out why. It’s not as if Adderall is like truffles; we don’t need special pigs to root it out from the ground. Production is not limited by the availability of its components. It’s easily synthesized. So why is there a limit on how much stimulant medication can be produced and marketed? Why are my patients suffering unnecessarily?

[Read: Adderall Shortage Persists as Opioid Settlement Triggers Pharmacy Constraints]

Why Are We Punishing ADHD Patients?

If limiting the production of Adderall is part of an effort to reduce or prevent the reselling or other misuse of the drug, that simply makes no sense. It’s just plain stupid. It’s like trying to reduce car theft by limiting the manufacture of cars.

It’s difficult for me not to believe this is a misguided attempt to avoid another oxycontin debacle. But limiting the manufacture of Adderall to prevent Adderall abuse only succeeds in punishing the patients who really need the drug.

To blame the Adderall shortage, as the FDA commissioner recently did, on improper or aggressive diagnosis of ADHD and improper or aggressive prescription of stimulant medication is to penalize the many for the mistakes of a few. Unless a doctor is intentionally over-diagnosing to make a profit — which does happen, unfortunately, but not nearly often enough to create a shortage of Adderall — then we ought to have enough of a supply to meet the needs of all people diagnosed with ADHD.

[Download: ADHD Medications – Comparison Chart of Stimulants & Nonstimulants]

There is a shortage of Adderall because, for some reason, the manufacturing quotas set by the Drug Enforcement Administration (DEA) are not keeping up with demand. It’s good news that the demand is high because that means more people are getting diagnosed. Not too long ago, it was hard to find a doctor who knew enough to diagnose and treat ADHD.

Now that we’re diagnosing and treating more people with ADHD, especially adults, we ought to be able to prescribe for them the medications they need to live more productive, fulfilled lives.

ADHD Medication Shortage: Next Steps

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In my first full-time job after finishing my master’s degree, I was put in charge a long-running project that was already years behind schedule. With strict, unrealistic timelines and insufficient resources, the project was mine to save.

I’ve always been a high achiever, so I dove right in. Despite the pressure and all the givens, I found the work highly engaging and rewarding – the perfect combination for hyperfocus.

Intense weeks turned into months. The longer I hyperfocused on the project and the more I accomplished, the more important my work became to me. It was all or nothing.

I kept up the pace for a year and a half. Then, with almost no warning, I broke.

I know what you’re thinking; it’s a classic case of burnout, right? Not exactly. You see, that burnout episode happened six years ago — and I’m still recovering from it.

Burnout by Another Name

Years after that episode, with a new job and an objectively manageable workload, I am still only able to work about 20 hours a week. I’m also highly sensitive to day-to-day work stress; some hard days can trigger depressive episodes and significant fatigue.

[Read: Rising from the Burnout — an ADHD Recovery Kit]

I finally sought help recently, and I found a therapist who specializes in ADHD. I told her my story and, I read what I could on burnout between our sessions to try to make sense of what I went through (and the effects I’m still experiencing). The more I learned, and the more I explored my burnout during therapy, the more I realized that traditional, commonly understood concepts of burnout failed to capture my experience.

What I went through, I realized, was a form of burnout that I believe affects many of us with ADHD: I call it “hyperfocus burnout.”

Digging Deeper on Hyperfocus Burnout

The World Health Organization (WHO) describes burnout as the result of chronic workplace stress that has not been successfully managed. Here’s how the dimensions of burnout match up to my burnout experience:

• feelings of energy depletion or exhaustion (Yep)
• increased mental distance from one’s job, or feelings of negativism or cynicism related to one’s job (Not really)
• a sense of ineffectiveness and lack of accomplishment (Nope)

As stressful and demanding as leading that project was, I kept going back every day, eager to see it through. I wasn’t mentally distant from my stressor — I was engaged with it. It was all I thought about, day and night. I didn’t feel a sense of ineffectiveness or a lack of accomplishment on the job. It was just the opposite; my job was its own reward, and my productivity and effectiveness increased over time, fueling a positive feedback loop.

[Read: Hyperfocus — a Blessing and a Curse]

In my mind, there was nothing to escape or recover from. Sure, I wanted things to calm down, but burnout never showed up on my radar (though others in my life could see it). That’s why it’s typical approaches — like taking breaks, reframing, and increasing rewards – wouldn’t have worked on me.

A dimension of my experience that I didn’t see reflected in my research was my intense and increasing fear of falling short on my job. As time went on, my perceived consequences for failure worsened and became unrealistic. By the end, what started as “it will be a bad look” turned into the existential “this project could end my career and leave my wife and I destitute.” I won’t deny that these irrational fears also kept me hyperfocused on my work.

Day to day, when I wasn’t working, I just felt exhausted. I’d have trouble focusing, I was forgetful, and I found it almost impossible to muster the energy required to start day-to-day tasks like cooking and cleaning. All other aspects of my life, including things I truly enjoyed, started to fade away.  Once I started working again, that exhaustion faded away, or at least I didn’t notice it.

When I did break, it was sudden — as if the branch that I had been perched on all this time had suddenly snapped, leaving me broken on the ground. From one day to the next, I could barely get out of bed. My mind was foggy, my memory was non-existent, and I couldn’t make coherent sentences, let alone work. That extreme state lasted for the next five weeks. I then spent the next five years clawing my way back, only to still be half of my former self; I worked part time and struggled to keep up with the demands of life. The effects of traditional burnout, meanwhile, apparently resolve after a few months.

Hyperfocus Burnout vs. Traditional Burnout

With the help of my therapist, here’s where I landed: Traditional burnout is triggered by a mismatch between time, demands, resources, and rewards. Symptoms occur on a spectrum and increase over time as pressure and lack of reward increase.

Hyperfocus burnout, on the other hand, is triggered only by an overabundance of pressure or demands, particularly on a high-focus activity.

In traditional burnout, there are efforts to detach and turn away from an unsustainable situation. In hyperfocus burnout, we engage and turn into the unsustainable situation. We push through until the situation ends or we break.

My therapist, who has seen her fair share of clients with ADHD who have burned out like I have, says those who reach their hyperfocus breaking point push themselves past their limits due to a strong sense of responsibility and a failure to recognize the mental and physiological strain that is accumulating to an inevitable peak.

Hyperfocus, ultimately, is just another problem with attentional shifting that characterizes ADHD. It’s why many of us will forget to eat or go the bathroom when absorbed in a task. When unchecked, hyperfocus can cause us to sacrifice many life functions in the pursuit of a particularly salient goal.

Traditional burnout, it seems, is a protective mechanism that helps a person recognize when they’re reaching their limit and are close to breaking. That mechanism failed, in my case, because of my ADHD and attention regulation challenges.

Recovering from Hyperfocus Burnout

There is another element to my story: Though I was diagnosed with ADHD as a child, I had gone without treatment for most of my adult life, as I had enough strategies to keep the “traditional” inattentive symptoms at bay. My therapist strongly encouraged me to start taking ADHD medication, and I’m glad she did. Medication has reduced my emotional ADHD symptoms (symptoms I hadn’t even been aware were part of ADHD). My existential fear of failure disappeared almost overnight. Stimulant medication reduced my anxiety and increased my resilience to stress; it was much more effective than the SSRI I had previously been prescribed.

All in all, starting medication allowed me to increase my working hours longer than I have in years, without sacrificing the rest of my life. Now I’m also better able to recognize instances of unhelpful hyperfocus, and I’m much more likely to disengage and use coping strategies — something I struggled to do before. Still, medication is not a fail-safe; I have to be careful about slipping back into old patterns.

I wish I knew then what I know about extreme hyperfocus. I wish I knew that it could turn into a positive feedback cycle that gets harder to escape the longer you’re in it. I wish I knew that relentless hyperfocus would break me and result in a very long and painful recovery. Maybe if I had this information, I would have listened to my wife and friends; maybe I could have helped my manager realize that I was in serious trouble, even though I was still very effective at my job and not showing the traditional (dare I say, neurotypical) signs of burnout. Maybe I could have prevented my hyperfocus burnout.

Extreme Burnout and ADHD Hyperfocus: Next Steps

This piece was a joint effort between Matt and his psychologist, Dr. Petra Hoggarth. Based in Christchurch, New Zealand, Dr. Hoggarth specializes in adult ADHD assessment and therapy.

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CELEBRATING 25 YEARS OF ADDITUDE
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I never thought I’d have a life-changing revelation in the cereal aisle at Walmart, but that’s exactly what happened. As I tried to decide which breakfast option to buy, my thoughts went something like this:

I don’t know what to get.

I really want Cinnamon Toast Crunch.

But I can’t get that. I should get the Special K.

Shoulds and musts are instilled in us from the time we are very little. Some of these rules are valuable. Others are more arbitrary, but they still end up governing our lives as rules. In this case, I had made a rule dictating which cereals I can and can’t buy.

That’s when it hit me.

Wait, there are no rules! I can buy what I want. I can do what I want!

ADHD Motto #1: There Are No Rules

My Walmart moment may not seem like a big deal, but it was an epiphany to me. You see, growing up, my parents taught me very specific ways of doing just about everything. From folding towels to emptying the dishwasher, everything had to be completed a certain way, which was both helpful and harmful. It wasn’t until I was diagnosed with ADHD as an adult that I understood why I struggled so much to keep up with my everyone else’s rules and norms.

[Read: My 25 Rules for Life — a Practical Cure for ADHD Shame and Stagnation]

Living — or trying to live — by rules set by neurotypical brains is one of the most frustrating aspects of living with ADHD. Worse than that, we don’t always recognize what’s happening — that we’re beating ourselves up for stumbling over rules that don’t work for our neurodivergent brains.

After that Walmart moment, and with an understanding of how my brain works, I constantly remind myself that there are no rules. There is no “right” way to do a thing. There’s only the way that works for me.

How many trash cans should I have in my office? There are no rules — as many as I need. Do I have to fold my clothes before putting them away? No. There are no rules.

ADHD Motto #2: Anything Worth Doing is Worth Doing Poorly

Hold on, perfectionists — stay with me here.

My second motto came from a post I saw on social media, which reads in part: “Anything worth doing is worth doing poorly… because doing it poorly is better than not doing it.”

[Read: Intention Deficit Disorder — Why ADHD Minds Struggle to Meet Goals with Action]

I don’t have to tell you that getting things started is immensely difficult for ADHD brains. There’s overwhelm, for one, and then there’s fear of failure, all of which can keep us at a standstill, perpetuating the cycle of exhaustion we tend to create.

But this motto gave me permission to do what I can and forget about the big finish line. To me, this motto helped me see that getting 10% of a task done is better than getting none of it done.

Maybe I absolutely cannot bring myself to do all the dishes — but I can do the glasses, only. Laundry is exhausting — but I can focus on folding just my shorts. No, I cannot write a 40-page paper right now, but I can jot down some ideas. By giving myself permission to do a little at a time, I actually reduced my stress and increased my productivity.

Adopting the Two Mottos for Your Life

These mottos have helped me practice self-compassion and affirm my own neurodiversity.

Embracing the fact there are no rules, and that anything worth doing is worth doing poorly, helped me adapt and learn to accept things as they happen, not as someone else says they should.

But in my own work helping adults with ADHD, I hear a few concerns when I share these mottos with my clients. Mostly, my clients worry that they’ll spin out of control if they become too self-compassionate — that being hard on themselves is the only thing keeping their lives in check. I’ve been there, and I know that this black-and-white form of thinking keeps us trapped.

Start with these four steps to work toward living with more self-compassion. Perhaps you’ll use these mottos or develop a few of your own:

1. Watch for patterns. Which tasks do you frequently struggle to get done? Where do you find the most resistance and hot spots in your life?
2. Troubleshoot with your brain in mind. Time to get creative. Do you struggle to put away your clothes? I’ve seen some people replace their hangers with S-hooks, or even install a pegboard in their Does trash pile up on your desk? Move your trash can within arm’s reach.
3. Break down daunting tasks. Think smaller steps and remember my second motto. If breaking down a big task is difficult in itself, use a tool like Magic ToDo – GoblinTools to break it down for you. (Seriously, it’s fantastic.)
4. Remember, there’s always tomorrow. There will be days when we can’t get everything (or anything) done. Those are the days when we need to talk to ourselves as we would to our best friend. We didn’t get everything done that we wanted to, and that’s OK — we can try again

Personal Mottos for ADHD: Next Steps

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The day before our wedding, the entire city of Sydney became blanketed by heavy red dust. I woke up coughing, I could taste dirt in my mouth, and my bedroom was filled with a rusty glow.“Of course the bloody apocalypse would happen the day before my wedding,” I thought to myself. “I bet my fiancé has been raptured while I was left behind!”

Catastrophizing is normal for me. It’s part anxiety, part comedic coping mechanism. When my fiancé woke to the dust, he just wondered where it came from and thought about washing the car.Though we both have ADHD and had been diagnosed as adults, our general outlook and ways of functioning are wildly different. We are chalk and cheese; I’m the hyperactive type and he’s the inattentive type, which makes for an interesting union, to say the least. But we continue to make it work after all these years (14 and counting at the time of writing). It all comes down to three vital keys.

Key #1: Never Go to Sleep Angry

A lot happens when two adults share a life — and a condition that causes countless frustrations. We’re both forgetful, albeit in different ways. He immediately forgets about his keys if he sets them down. While I can remember where my keys are, I don’t always remember what time it is, even if I’ve just checked, or where I am when I’m driving, even on a familiar route.

[Get This Free Download: Manage ADHD’s Impact on Your Relationship]

We also struggle in social settings. In our early days especially, my husband — who had lots of trouble reading facial expressions, keeping up with fast-paced conversation, and even stringing a sentence together — would often withdraw from others. While he was unable to tell when people were making fun of him, I was acutely aware of others’ mocking undertones and uncomfortable shifts in the conversation, all of which set my rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD) and anxiety into overdrive. I felt the need to overcompensate during lulls in conversation and fill the silence with inappropriate babbling and outrageous antics. I’d drink alcohol to try to manage my intense social anxiety, but all it did was make me even more intense, hyperactive, and hypersensitive.

It can be tempting to cast blame when our individual challenges invariably come up and affect both of us. But no matter what our day has been like, we agreed from the very beginning of our marriage that we would never go to sleep angry at each other.

This doesn’t mean that we have long conversations into the night to reach resolve. It simply means that we’ve made the choice to push past shame and blame to say we love each other, no matter what. All hurts and misunderstandings do not change how much we love one another.

Key #2: Always Be Willing to Learn — and to Let Things Go

Learning about our unique ways of functioning has been so helpful in our marriage. We do our best to help each other in our respective trouble spots in day-to-day living. That has meant learning to let the little things go.

[Read: Yeah, We Both Have ADHD — and It’s a Marriage Made in Heaven!?]

There is one clutter-free, easy-access key holder in our home. Sometimes, my husband’s keys don’t make it to the took and land on a nearby table — where they’re bound to end up under a pile of mail. If I see his keys on the table, I put them in the key hook rather than give him a hard time for forgetting. And life runs a little more smoothly for both of us that day.

In social settings, my husband has worked hard to pick up on signs that my social anxiety is kicking in. He checks in with me and firmly puts his hand on my shoulder or back to ground me. He reminds me to take a walk or remove myself from the stressful situation. More often than not, these strategies ease me back to present. When they don’t work, he doesn’t push it. But later, we reflect on what happened and how we can both try to do things differently next time. Then, we move on.

Key #3: Never Stop Laughing Together

The benefits of laughter and of having a sense of humor are well-known. Somehow, throughout our marriage, we’ve had an innate ability to find joy in the hardest of circumstances. Laughter is our reset button. (That’s why it’s hard for us to go to bed angry at each other.) We have literally laughed in the middle of heated arguments (usually at how ridiculous we are behaving), the result being instant tension and stress relief.

Our Personal Key: Don’t Say The ‘D’ Word

Many Ds have been unearthed in our relationship: diagnosis, depression, deficit, disorder, dysfunction, dysregulation, dyscalculia, and the list goes on. But we decided from the beginning that one particular ‘D’ word was never going to be on the table: Divorce.

That word is not hidden up the back of the junk drawer, waiting to be pulled out and thrown into an argument like a gaslit weapon. Sure, there are painful spaces in our relationship that cause us to withdraw, defend, attack, or drag up the muddy waters of the past. But we vowed until death — not diagnosis — do us part.

With both of us wired as fighters, we are willing to “never say die.” We’ll do everything to fight for our marriage, including holding firm to our keys (the kind we’ll never lose) and even looking for new ones. It’s hard work, but we know that our diagnoses are not a marriage death sentence. They do not define us negatively. They are what make us so strong and loving.

Happy Marriage Rules for ADHD Couples: Next Steps

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Three years ago, I launched the @domesticblisters TikTok channel to serve a neurodiverse audience. Short videos on the channel present strategies for accomplishing daily care tasks. For all the ADHD information swirling around social media, very little addresses how the simple tasks of living are sometimes the hardest for us. Cleaning, doing dishes, folding piles of laundry — these tasks are simple for most people but tend to paralyze some of us with executive functioning problems. Perhaps more difficult than the struggle to stay on top of these tasks is the immense shame we feel when we’re unable to do the things we see our peers accomplish with ease.

In my experience, this kind of shame tends to spike when we struggle with personal hygiene. How could we be so incapable? Our differences in executive functioning can create significant hurdles when it comes to the daily demands of living. And that makes hygiene routines our common kryptonite.

[Download: Free Guide to Health & Fitness: Lifestyle Changes for Adults with ADHD]

The ADHD brain often struggles to transform multiple mundane steps into a routine that works. So instead of forcing on yourself neurotypical routines that are doomed from the start, try adapting your daily hygiene rituals with the following four approaches:

Personal Hygiene Hacks for ADHD Brains

1. Rather than trying to adhere to a strict schedule and setting for brushing your teeth, build in flexibility so that you can care for your teeth whenever the thought strikes you. Place a toothbrush and toothpaste in multiple locations: by your kitchen sink, in your shower, in your guest bathroom, and even in your car. Because of the way ADHD motivation systems work, you are most likely to think about brushing your teeth while headed out the door (Oh no! My breath stinks!) or when randomly prompted by the sight of your toothbrush (I’m already here, so I might as well!). You might also consider keeping deodorant and a hairbrush or comb in these places.
2. If showering is too boring, try getting a waterproof speaker. A good podcast or audiobook that you save for the shower can suddenly transform an onerous chore into a decadent treat. Also, a fancy hair towel or a high-powered blow dryer can reduce time spent on your wet hair.
3. If showering aggravates your sensory aversion, consider changing your environment to mitigate this. For instance, turning on a space heater before a shower will prevent that awful cold shock you feel when exiting the tub or shower. Using a soft and gentle towel also typically helps.
4. Create a hygiene kit for the days you skip a shower or bath. You deserve to be clean and comfortable; there is more than one way to get that done. A little bag with deodorant, dry shampoo, body wipes, and mouthwash can be kept in multiple locations in your home and car.

Maintaining good hygiene is important to your health, so get creative and find what works for your unique brain.

How to Keep House While Drowning – with ADHD: Next Steps

KC Davis, LPC, is a licensed professional therapist and the author of How to Keep House While Drowning.

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