Tag: oppositional defiant disorder

“Positive reinforcement, encouragement, and rewards help us create good habits; shame, criticism, and negative self-talk do not,” I say to a client, terrified that they see right through me and know that I’m actively beating myself up for falling weeks behind on paperwork.

I was diagnosed with ADHD at 24 years old in the middle of earning my masters in clinical mental health counseling. I had always been praised for my intelligence. At the same time, I struggled with not feeling good enough, partly because of my challenges with disorganization, getting things done, forgetfulness, and other executive function areas where I sometimes came up short. I felt like an imposter. Of course, I knew that I was a capable person (and who doesn’t have imperfections?) but knowing and feeling are two very different things.

Even after completing my counselor training, embarking on a self-healing journey, and achieving a greater understanding of ADHD, feelings of shame, self-doubt, and anxiety still come up for me – the same feelings I help my own clients navigate. There are days when Imposter Syndrome crushes me, and when the shame spiral gets the best of me. I’ve gotten better at taking my own advice during those tough times, and it does help. Take it from me: You’ll want to use these strategies, too.

1. Self-Compassion Always Beats Out Self-Criticism

In times of high frustration, dysregulation, and paralysis, you may have found yourself thinking, “Why am I like this? I hate myself!” I know I have when I feel stuck and worthless. The moments when I want to shame and criticize myself are the moments when I need love and self-compassion the most, I’ve learned.

Imagine taking a moment to talk to that part of yourself that’s stuck on the couch scrolling on TikTok for hours because one look at the messy kitchen sent you into freeze mode. How does that part of you feel? What does it need? Maybe some encouragement and validation? Say to yourself, “I see that you’re overwhelmed and feeling a bit stuck. That must be so difficult and stressful. I know that you want to get those dishes done – maybe listening to a good song and singing along will get you moving. Let’s give it a try!

[Read: Silence Your Harshest Critic — Yourself]

2. Be Proud of Yourself When Building Habits — and Prouder Still When You Restart

“This time will be different!” How many times have you said this to yourself after buying a new planner, signing up for the gym, starting a new school semester, and embarking on something new? If you’re anything like me, you’ll know that, inevitably, the newness fades, and so does the dopamine and the habit. You feel like a failure for not being able to stick to new habits.

But what if you just accepted that habit-forming is difficult, and that failing to stick to a habit isn’t the end of the world? I know when I start a new workout kick or cleaning schedule, I try to remember that that momentum will eventually fade, in large part due to how my brain works. This helps me let go of the shame around perceived failure and find a way to start the habit again in a new, engaging way.

3. Ask for Help. Don’t Hide Your Problems.

Shame shuts us down and tells us to keep things hidden. An antidote to shame is to be open about what’s troubling you. Acknowledge to yourself that you’re overwhelmed and exhausted. Talk about it over FaceTime with a friend. Tell a coworker that you’re behind on your work and make a plan to fix it.

When I was chronically behind on notes and documentation at work, the stress followed me home, affected my work with clients, and made me dread the next work day. It stayed that way until I talked to my boss and coworkers about it. I was able to make a plan with my coworker to “body double” every time we both had a free hour. My boss also checked in on me weekly, which helped me make realistic goals to get caught up. Will I still get behind on paperwork from time to time? Yes! But it doesn’t make me feel as overwhelmed and blocked as it once did.

[Read: “The Ta-Da List Is the Antidote to To-Do List Shame”]

4. Needs Are Not Rewards

“I’ll sleep when I’m done.”

“I don’t have time to read or journal when there’s still so much left to do!”

Denying yourself basic physical, emotional, and cognitive needs is not going to help you get things done faster. They are needs and should be treated as such, not as things you are only worthy of if you meet expectations. If I deny myself sleep to complete a task, it’s going to take me longer to complete it because I’ll be sleep deprived. If I don’t take time to journal, I’ll be too dysregulated to attend to what I need to. As a mental health professional, if I don’t take care of my own mental health, I am not in a place to help others. You are always worthy of giving yourself what you need.

5. Find What Works, Not What “Should” Work

“You should take notes in an outline.”

“You should use this planner every day.”

Who says? Have you considered that the things we’ve been taught about productivity and functioning may not be well-suited for our brain type or learning style? If you get work done faster by jumping from project to project instead of focusing on one thing at a time, keep at it! If you can absorb information better by moving your body, do it! No one can claim to know you better than you know yourself.

ADHD Shame Spiral Advice: Next Steps

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CELEBRATING 25 YEARS OF ADDITUDE
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The following is a personal essay, and not a medical recommendation endorsed by ADDitude. For more information about ADHD nutrition, speak with your physician.

One trademark of ADHD is low levels of dopamine, a neurotransmitter released by the brain that makes kids feel good and helps them focus. Increasing dopamine in the brain through medication is an effective treatment for ADHD. However, more than a year into a nationwide stimulant shortage, parents still struggle to fill prescriptions for their kids.

As the shortage stretches on, many caregivers are working to implement ADHD treatment tactics without medication. Here are some gut health strategies to consider.

Don’t Skip Meals

The way your child’s brain works is influenced by what they eat, and good nutrition is essential. Eating unhealthy, non-nutritious foods may contribute to inattention and problematic behaviors, while a diet with a variety of healthy foods nourishes the brain to pay attention and function optimally.

[Free Download: 5 Rules for an ADHD-Friendly Diet]

A study in Cell Metabolism found that dopamine release in the brain can occur at two different times: when food is swallowed and once the food reaches the stomach.¹ Skipping a meal robs the body of two potential releases of dopamine. If your child is not hungry, try to keep them on a regular meal schedule to help regulate opportunities for dopamine release. Healthy snacks help, too. A protein-rich diet, including fish, poultry, eggs, and legumes (e.g., beans, lentils, peas, etc.), can help increase dopamine levels.

Introduce Variety

Many kids with ADHD want to eat the same things every day, but doing so may mean they miss out on producing more of that feel-good hormone. Research has also found a strong connection between gut health and mental health. ² A healthy gut is best described as having a diverse microbiome, consisting of different types of microorganisms (bacteria, fungi, viruses, etc.) that coexist harmoniously in the digestive tract. Increasing the diversity of your child’s gut microbiome with a protein-rich diet, including fish, poultry, eggs, and legumes (e.g., beans, lentils, peas, etc.), ensures that dopamine can be adequately synthesized.

Introduce new foods slowly and in a variety of ways. For example, pick a vegetable your child usually eats and connect it to another vegetable or legume. So if your child eats raw carrots, pair them with a dip made of puréed red peppers or smooth refried beans. If your child prefers crunchy foods, make crunchy cooked veggies in the oven or air fryer. Experiment with spices, too. Offering your child small tastes (repeatedly) will build their acceptance of new foods. Kids are more likely to expand their taste and preference for new foods when given multiple chances to learn about and experience new food.

[Free Download: Meal-Planning Guide for ADHD Families]

Mindful Eating

Young children, especially those with ADHD, may be easily distracted during mealtimes. Make it a point to give your child a heads-up on what’s for dinner and when it will be served. Kids with ADHD do best when they know what to expect and follow a schedule. Then, turn off all electronic devices, including the TV, while eating to limit distractions. If possible, sit and eat together at the table. This lets your child know that during meals, it’s time to pause (even for a minute) and focus on eating. This is also a great time to share a moment with your child.

Gut Health Strategies for Treating ADHD: Next Steps

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CELEBRATING 25 YEARS OF ADDITUDE
Since 1998, ADDitude has worked to provide ADHD education and guidance through webinars, newsletters, community engagement, and its groundbreaking magazine. To support ADDitude’s mission, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

The opinions expressed in ADDitude Guest Blogs are solely those of the User, who may or may not have medical or scientific training. These opinions do not represent the opinions of ADDitude. Blogs are not reviewed by an ADDitude physician or any member of the ADDitude editorial staff for accuracy, balance, objectivity, or any other reason except for compliance with our Terms and Conditions. Some of these opinions may contain information about treatments or uses of drug products that have not been approved by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration. ADDitude does not endorse any specific product, service or treatment.

Do not consider ADDitude Blogs as medical advice. Never delay or disregard seeking professional medical advice from your doctor or other qualified healthcare provider because of something you have read on ADDitude. You should always speak with your doctor before you start, stop, or change any prescribed part of your care plan or treatment. ADDitude understands that reading individual, real-life experiences can be a helpful resource, but it is never a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment from a qualified health care provider. If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your doctor or dial 911 immediately.

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The holiday season can feel more hectic than happy for parents. They’re juggling busy schedules, school vacations, holiday get-togethers — and trying to make it fun for the whole family. Parents of children with ADHD and learning differences, such as dyslexia, have added layers of stress.

Hosting out-of-town relatives, attending holiday parties, or baking cookies with friends may feel festive to some family members but may cause stress and overwhelm for those who struggle with patience and attention. Many parents feel guilty if they don’t keep holiday traditions alive.

There are ways to balance the desire for tradition with the reality of what your family will enjoy — not just survive. Here are some tips and simple swaps:

[Free Download: Holiday Survival Kit]

Include Children in New Holiday Traditions

Tweak old traditions or create new ones that your entire family can enjoy. Ask your child how they want to celebrate the holidays. What do they find hardest about your usual traditions? Think about how you can change a few details to make the holiday season a better fit for everyone.

For example, when reading a classic holiday story, ask your child if they’d like to retell (or act out) the story — as it went or as your child wishes it went. Or maybe they’d like to listen to an audiobook version or watch a movie of the story while sipping hot chocolate.

Say “No” to an Invitation

It’s easy to feel obligated to say “yes” to every party invitation. But an invitation is merely that: an invitation. You don’t have to say “yes” to all of them. Feel comfortable with the power of saying “no.” Also, it’s OK if the whole family doesn’t attend an event that will likely cause anxiety. For example, a big party might not be a good fit for children with ADHD or social anxiety. A smaller group setting may be less overwhelming and help children have a good time socializing.

Prepare and Manage Expectations Before an Event

Exchanging gifts may lead to frustration or worse for some kids with learning and thinking differences. Waiting their turn to open a gift can be challenging and tantrum-inducing for some children. For other children, opening a gift they weren’t expecting or didn’t want could lead to sensory overload and a meltdown. To avoid this reaction, discuss with your child what might happen at an event and how they can cope with it. Role play how to receive, open, and accept gifts and practice saying polite “thank-yous.” This prepares kids to navigate awkward moments — like opening a gift they don’t like.

[Free Download: Healthy Responses to Holiday Stress]

Remember, the holidays aren’t always full of cheer for kids with thinking and learning differences. Tweaking traditions with simple swaps and pre-planning will bring joy to the season’s festivities for the entire family.

Holiday Traditions: Next Steps

Andrew Kahn, Psy.D., is associate director of behavior change and expertise at Understood.org.

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CELEBRATING 25 YEARS OF ADDITUDE
Since 1998, ADDitude has worked to provide ADHD education and guidance through webinars, newsletters, community engagement, and its groundbreaking magazine. To support ADDitude’s mission, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

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As a child, middle school completely overwhelmed me. There were higher academic expectations, new interests and extracurriculars, a much wider and more intimidating social landscape, physical and hormonal changes, and a developing sense of self with which to reckon. Add to this madness a cocktail of executive dysfunction, impulsivity, distractibility, high emotional sensitivity, and hyperfocus — all due to undiagnosed ADHD — and my distaste for middle school is understandable.

Oh, did I mention that I started middle school in a new town? I felt like I had been thrown into shark-infested waters. The one person I happened to know at my new school immediately shunned me because of my ADHD-fueled obsession with Treasure Trolls (it was the ‘90s, after all). My backpack heavily featured the wild-haired, bejeweled dolls, and it was socially disadvantageous to be seen with someone toting such a juvenile accessory. Cue intense rejection sensitive dysphoria.

I did have teachers with reasonable expectations who seemed to care, but I was an undiagnosed student and, although I worked unbelievably hard to maintain a 4.0 most of the time (because, anxiety), my teachers did not temper their disapproval when I misplaced a textbook, forgot an assignment, absent-mindedly wrote on a desktop, or impulsively left my seat. Being made to scrub all the surfaces in the science lab after class under the glare of an adult authority figure I respected caused me no small amount of shame and self-loathing.

Today, I’m the parent of a new middle schooler with ADHD, which is why my own memories of middle school awkwardness and growing pains are flooding back. But I’m using my middle school experiences to help my child transition to a new academic stage with the least amount of stress possible. Here’s what helped him – and us – so far.

Tips for Middle School Newcomers

1. Strengthen existing friendships. My son formed some sweet friendships throughout the fourth and fifth grades. Though many of his friends joined him in his new middle school, we prioritized facilitating time with them outside of school and during the summer before sixth grade. This enabled him to solidify those bonds before middle school rocked the proverbial boat.

[Get This Free Download: Middle School Success Strategies]

2. Sign up for extracurriculars and focus on interests. My son signed up for his new school’s swim team, and he plays trombone for the sixth-grade band. The benefits are three-fold: He gets to partake in activities he enjoys while getting to know other kids who share his interests, which would be more difficult to do otherwise in a school that is more than twice of size of his previous one. The activities he chose also happen to help him regulate his emotions and obsessive behaviors.

3. Establish habits and routines. Despite our best efforts to anticipate the demands of middle school and advise our son accordingly, it hasn’t been smooth sailing. For example, in the beginning of the school year, there were several Sunday nights when my son would suddenly (and anxiously) remember that he had assignments due the following morning that he had yet to begin. It occurred to us then that his teachers no longer required him to keep an agenda for class, which was an expectation in elementary school. While some students probably rejoiced in no longer having to record their assignments, the loss of this invaluable tool was causing my son’s previously successful school routine to break down.

I know that paper planners are essential for my own day-to-day functioning as an adult with ADHD, so we bought my son a paper planner (our county no longer provides them for middle schoolers) and got him back into the habit of adding his assignments here at the end of every class and checking his agenda as soon as he got home. To reinforce the habit, I checked his agenda every day for the first two weeks to make sure that he was using it, and I signed each entry, as his teachers had required us to do in elementary school. Now, he manages his assignment book on his own and has learned that, for those of us with ADHD, habits and routines, while tedious, are our friends.

4. Ride a few waves on your own. So far, middle school has been an exercise in finding tools and strategies that work for our son and encouraging him to use them independently. Gaining a sense of autonomy is an important part of growth, but striking a balance between guiding our pre-teens and giving them ownership of their school experience is tricky. We don’t want to let them drown, but it’s okay – healthy even – to let them ride a few waves on their own. In fact, it’s imperative that they do.

[Read: Resilience Begins with Responsibility — The Power of Service for Kids with ADHD]

5. Be patient and give yourself grace. At the end of a long day away from us, my son (and all middle schoolers) need a safe space to decompress, express their emotions, engage in their interests, and… play! Our kids are now pre-teens who have body hair, wear deodorant, and will soon be taller than their moms, but they’re still kids — and they need our patience and understanding during this critical juncture in their young lives.

How to Survive Middle School with ADHD: Next Steps

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CELEBRATING 25 YEARS OF ADDITUDE
Since 1998, ADDitude has worked to provide ADHD education and guidance through webinars, newsletters, community engagement, and its groundbreaking magazine. To support ADDitude’s mission, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

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In a recent discussion with other ADHD coaches, someone beautifully summarized that coaching, at its heart, helps the client develop self-trust. Indeed, getting to the point where we can trust ourselves is a relief. Self-trust moves us toward who we want to be in this life. It’s also a skill many individuals with ADHD struggle to cultivate.

I know because I struggled with this through my life. Once I started to develop self-trust, it was as if I was looking at the world for the first time.

Self-Trust: A Dog’s Story

When I first heard the term self-trust, I couldn’t wrap my mind around it. I heard all its related concepts — be kind to yourself, work toward the doable, be reliable, know your boundaries and keep them — but these went in my left ear and out my right.

Then I contemplated what I already knew about trust. Had I seen it show up somewhere else? I had — in a dog.

I knew a dog who was adopted after what had been a tough life. The telltale signs were there — cowering, darting for food then back to hiding under the bed, and persistent caution around people. The new owner, my friend, was a gem. She opened her heart and home to help a scared animal who would eventually come to know love and safety.

[Read: 6 Tips To Mitigate Self-Compassion Deficit Disorder]

But the dog didn’t know a stitch about that when he first arrived at his new home. Instead, he assumed life would be as it had been, arduous and frightening, so he continued to employ his well-developed survival skills to get through the day.

Sound familiar? Even just a bit?

The Cowering Dog in Each of Us

The cautious dog in us is the fallout of living with “shortcomings” and moments of unreliability in a world that isn’t a fan of such mishaps – and doesn’t let us forget it. We’ve learned to survive an environment that is unforgiving to ADHD – to keep the inner dog in line – through self-harassment and conditional self-acceptance.

It’s hard to imagine a cowering dog learning to play catch or offering a paw on cue. But once it notices that its human is a safe, reliable advocate, coming out from under the bed doesn’t seem so terrifying. Suddenly, learning a trick is possible because the person on the other end is smiling rather than hollering at them.

[Read: Silence Your Harshest Critic — Yourself]

I was an ace at hiding under the bed, and coming out from underneath it took some learning and doing. I still find myself under there sometimes, but a calm voice inside – my own, and one I’ve worked so hard to find – lures me out with love and safety and helps me reframe my self-criticism with four words: “You got this, buddy.”

Self-empathy felt squeamish to me for a long time, but making it a habit to frequently say those four words has been life-changing. I say those words to myself with patience and reasonable expectations, like my friend would say to her adopted dog. When I say those words, what I am really telling myself is, “You’re enough today.”

Oh my, is that luxurious compared to what I used to say.

Self-Trust Is Self-Reliability – One Daring Inch at a Time

Any of us would be determined to prove to a leery dog that we’ll reliably appear each morning with breakfast, speak in a calm tone, and avoid insisting that they come closer before they’re ready. We’d let the dog go at its own pace, and give it a “good job, buddy” whenever it crawled out of hiding. Because we know that the simple act of daring to show up is a big step forward.

Reliability — not reliable perfection, but reliable advocacy and willingness to keep showing up for yourself — is key to developing self-trust.

It took time for my friend’s dog to become the dog he is today. Likewise for us, self-knowledge and consistency don’t happen overnight. For me, the biggest shift came when I learned that moving forward inch by inch wasn’t as big a deal as accepting that an inch of progress is enough.

This allowed me to make the biggest learning of all: There are only inches and there is only us to keep moving through them. Self-trust lies in self-advocacy to continue to move reliably, regardless of the noise happening inside or around us.

That dog didn’t suddenly storm out from under the bed. He crept closer and closer to the edge until one day he realized he was living life in the open.

Self-Trust and ADHD: Next Steps

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CELEBRATING 25 YEARS OF ADDITUDE
Since 1998, ADDitude has worked to provide ADHD education and guidance through webinars, newsletters, community engagement, and its groundbreaking magazine. To support ADDitude’s mission, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

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My senior year in high school was one of my life’s most joyful, exciting — but stressful — periods. I am a huge planner and pride myself on working hard to achieve my goals. While these qualities are often beneficial, they can make tasks like narrowing down a college list and filling out applications challenging. On top of this, I have ADHD and dyslexia. Though I am very confident in my abilities, adapting to new environments, people, and expectations often requires a steep learning curve and involves a few mishaps.

Throughout the college application process, I learned the importance of surrounding myself with people and environments that set me up for success. Here’s more advice for neurodivergent students evaluating and applying to colleges.

1. Plan Ahead

My first piece of advice is to plan as far ahead as possible! My college search began sophomore year when I set up a meeting with my college admissions counselor. No major plans were made, but I gained a basic understanding of when and how I would apply to schools.

[Free Download: Securing Accommodations in College]

2. Take Standardized Tests Early

I took the ACT for the first time the summer before my junior year. I highly recommend doing this. This gives you time to practice and make room for improvement. It also ensures you have testing accommodations in place. Fortunately, I am a good (albeit slow) test taker and eligible for extra time because of my ADHD. Alternatively, you may opt to apply to test-optional colleges and use the time to focus on other application parts.

3. Gather Research

Beyond taking the ACT, most of my prep work before senior year comprised attending college information sessions, researching schools, and brainstorming essay ideas. I gathered as much information as possible on the universities’ academics, costs, and accommodation programs. However, finding a strong and collaborative student community was my most important job. By the spring of junior year, I had compiled my list of colleges and ranked the University of Notre Dame as my top choice.

4. Brainstorm Essay Ideas

I began drafting a Common App essay the summer before senior year. Give yourself plenty of time to brainstorm ideas before you start writing. Great ideas do not happen overnight.

5. Get Feedback

Ask others to read your essays and offer feedback. I love storytelling, but my grammar is never great. One friend had the opposite problem, so we helped each other; I brainstormed ideas for him, and he fixed all my comma errors. Trading also prevented me from procrastinating.

6. Pick a Writing Strategy

Find a writing strategy for your college essay that works with how your brain thinks. If you are unsure, take a creative writing class. My essay was closer to poetry than an academic essay. I tried to have a strong narrative and told unique stories from my life, such as hanging a wagon in a Magnolia tree, traveling to see a solar eclipse, learning life lessons at summer camp, and being admitted into a secret theater society.

7. Give Yourself Grace

Be sure to give yourself grace. I am very grateful to attend Notre Dame. However, I’ve learned that no matter how hard I work, some things don’t end up as I imagined. During my recent search for a summer internship, I didn’t receive interviews for several large companies I absolutely loved and had networked with for months. The waiting game was so tough. Though I was disappointed, I kept putting myself out there, talked to other companies, and applied for jobs. I eventually did receive an amazing offer unexpectedly from one conversation at a career fair with a small boutique consulting firm. The company completely changed my perspective on the industry, and I made a very different decision than I initially thought I would.

[Self-Test: Could My Child Have a Learning Difference?]

8. Keep An Open Mind

Good can be found in all places. I imagined myself at Notre Dame and have loved my college years. At the same time, my summer internship completely took me by surprise, and yet, I know it will be a fantastic experience. I cannot emphasize enough the importance of openness and perseverance. Remember that, as a student with learning differences and ADHD you have had to work especially hard to find your place in the world. I am fully confident that by prioritizing a supportive community, planning, and having an open mind, you will find yourself surrounded by amazing opportunities and people better than you can imagine.

ADHD College Advice: Next Steps

Meaghan Northup grew up in Louisville, Kentucky, and is a junior at the University of Notre Dame, where she is studying Business Analytics and French.

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CELEBRATING 25 YEARS OF ADDITUDE
Since 1998, ADDitude has worked to provide ADHD education and guidance through webinars, newsletters, community engagement, and its groundbreaking magazine. To support ADDitude’s mission, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

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I remember the time I set out to create the perfect routine that I vowed to follow for the rest of my life – an unusual endeavor for me, given that I had rejected countless routines like they were my mortal enemy. I believed in spontaneity and had feared that routines would doom me to a monotonous life.

But the truth is, even as a free spirit, I knew that I desperately needed some semblance of order to function. It was a hard pill to swallow; routines promise productivity and stability, and I knew that not following any routines triggered my anxiety and other quirks.

So, armed with advice from books and blogs, I was sure I’d come up with the secret formula to get into a routine: It was all or nothing.

Trying – and Failing – to Get the Perfect Routine

The so-called perfect morning routine described in many self-help books usually involves waking up at the crack of dawn, meditating like a Zen master, jogging like Usain Bolt, and whipping up a wholesome breakfast.

Easy peasy to implement, right? Not really. My mornings looked more like live-action cartoons. I would set multiple alarms to wake up, but I also was a gold medalist in hitting the snooze button.

[Get This Free Download: The Daily Routine that Works for Adults with ADHD]

Every time I tried to meditate, the DJ in my mind would come on and play random songs from the ’00s. And jogging? More like a speedy walk… to the coffee maker. Often, my first meal of the day was dinner.

It goes without saying that I failed miserably to follow all parts of this “perfect” routine. I was harsh on myself for failing. Then again, I suspected that I would quickly become bored and restless with any schedule I managed to keep. There was no winning; I thought I was destined to never have a routine.

How I Finally Got Into a Routine

In my defense, I had no idea that I had ADHD at the time. The materials I consulted then on crafting routines were written for the normal folks (i.e., neurotypical people). As I learned more about the reasons behind my exasperating (and sometimes hilarious) relationship with routines, my mission shifted.

I realized that a lot of it came down to actually scheduling spontaneity. I now set timers for focused work periods and I schedule short breaks in between to let my mind wander. These breaks often lead to new and exciting ideas. I also use apps like Structured, Toggl, and iOS Focus to help me gradually transition to and from focus mode and free time.

[Read: “What Is Your Most Reliable, Helpful Daily Routine?”]

Loosening my black-and-white mentality around doing things the right way also helped me skip the snooze button, which had been my kryptonite for years. No matter how many alarms I set, my tired ADHD brain would plead, “Just five more minutes!”

A gentle wake-up routine was the answer. I completely replaced the old blaring alarms with sunlight. Yes, you read that right – I gave up on conventional alarms. And no, I’m not waking up late. The outcome is just the opposite. I used to struggle to get up at 8 a.m. with an alarm. Now, I wake up at 6 a.m., without an alarm, feeling fully rested and alert.

The battle between routine and spontaneity, I learned, doesn’t have to be a battle at all. My need for structure and love for the unexpected can coexist – it never had to be one or the other. Achieving order, I also know now, is only possible on my terms, not anyone else’s.

How to Get Into a Routine: Next Steps

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CELEBRATING 25 YEARS OF ADDITUDE
Since 1998, ADDitude has worked to provide ADHD education and guidance through webinars, newsletters, community engagement, and its groundbreaking magazine. To support ADDitude’s mission, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

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Ever since I can remember, I’ve chewed or picked at something. My mom tried to get me to quit when I was a kid, but this was back in the early 1970s, when body-focused repetitive behaviors (BFRB) weren’t exactly a hot topic of conversation. My mom was clever though, and tried to address my nail biting by way of a reward I couldn’t refuse: If I stopped biting my nails, I’d get a Barbie Dream House. Who would say no to that?

I have no idea how, but I was able to let enough of my nails grow back that I earned a rather posh place for my dolls. Plus, keeping my dolls busy kept my attention off my nails. It was all wonderful – until I gifted my Dream House to a classmate whose family had fallen on hard times. My dolls moved back into a box, and my nails whittled down again.

The years ticked by, and nail biting turned to cheek biting, then lip biting, then acne picking until settling into this current era of gnawing at the skin right next to my nailbeds. Here I find a wonderland of cuticle and skin to nip on whenever I’m stressed or bored. Unfortunately, this wonderland quickly bleeds after I’ve gone at it for a bit, and I begin to feel bad, as I have for decades, that I do such a thing.

[Read: 6 Myths — and Truths — About Body-Focused Repetitive Behaviors]

The Answer to Incessant Nail and Skin Biting? Fidget Rings

It took me 57 years to get an ADHD diagnosis. It took 57 years and three weeks for my BFRB to take a turn for the better. I have fidget rings to thank for that.

I had been reading about and experimenting with fidget toys for ADHD when I discovered the existence of fidget rings. I asked my cousin who knows all about the neurodiversity world if she’d ever heard of them.

“Oh, my friends love theirs,” she said, as if everybody knew about these jewelry inventions. I was late to the party! With that, I ordered a handful of size-seven fidget rings to check out the hype myself.

I experimented with different fidget ring mechanisms to determine which, if any, were more enticing to me than chewing. One popular design has a ring that rotates on top of a stationary ring. Another has interlocking rings that move in and out of each other right on my finger — perhaps my favorite design. Another design features a collection of small balls that slide around a thin band.

[From Readers: “The Fidgets That Engage My ADHD Brain”]

I couldn’t decide on just one, so I wear these three fidgets rings every day. I alternate ring fingers, slide them off and play with them like toys, and use them as creative self-soothing because of the different sensory experiences they provide — all within constant reach.

I can’t believe how well these inanimate objects have worked to curb my nail and skin biting. It seems to boil down to a few reasons. The rings act as my comfort objects and as tactile reminders that I don’t want to do this to myself — that I have the option to stop and reassess my urges. The rings are fancy and pretty, and make me feel that way, too — especially on the inside. I think this translates to a kind of self-acceptance.

It hasn’t been a straight path to fingertip calm. The urge to gnaw off a piece of protruding cuticle is as gargantuan as the protrusion is small. Sometimes I must be intentional about playing with my rings until the urge to bite dies down, which is a nice mindfulness exercise. Sometimes I’ll drift and end up nibbling on a finger or two, but I’m able to pause more frequently now and turn my attention to my rings.

While the rings have been helpful, my stress and urges are noticeably better when I practice other stress-reducing habits, like meditation, exercise, short 10-minute walks outside, and perspective shifts.

When I think about all the ways I’ve grown and come to understand myself over the past several years, this change with my BFRB is the biggest surprise. Who would have thought that the first meaningful shift in a lifetime of picking, chewing, and shame would come down to three sterling silver rings?

Fidget Rings for BFRB: Next Steps

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CELEBRATING 25 YEARS OF ADDITUDE
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During a recent training session I led on inclusion and learning differences in the classroom, I posed the following question – a tough one – to the teachers in the audience: “Raise your hand if, upon discovering that you have a neurodivergent student in your class, your immediate, unfiltered thought is a negative one?”

I clarified: “Do you assume, for example, that the student’s learning difference may add to your workload or disrupt the class in some way?”

A few teachers reluctantly raised their hands.

Then I asked, “And how many of you, upon finding out that you will be teaching a neurodivergent student, readily think, ‘This is great! I’m going to be able to really take advantage of some of the strengths of their brain.’” Cue lots of bowing heads and sheepish looks.

As a teacher of 24 years, I know that less-than-favorable unconscious (and sometimes conscious) attitudes absolutely exist within the education system toward students with learning differences. To be clear, I also know that the majority of teachers have benevolent intentions and want the best for their students.

Still, the longstanding approach in education systems has been that there is a core group of students that educators teach, and then there are “others” who require differentiated learning materials to accommodate their separate needs. This bolt-on-not-built-in approach (a term coined by Margaret Mulholland, an education inclusion specialist) can only ever lead to one way of thinking: Most kids learn in a similar, typical way, and anyone who doesn’t demands extra work – an inconvenience.

[Read: The Simulation Exercises That Expand Educators’ Understanding of Neurodivergent Students]

What Drives Negative Attitudes Toward Individuals with Learning Differences?

Years of attention-grabbing headlines – particularly those written about ADHD – have fueled myths and negative conceptions about neurodiversity and learning differences that have seeped into our subconscious and created a bias that was never of our making. The idea of ADHD not existing and instead being an excuse for a lack of discipline and poor parenting, for example, is still rampant.

It’s also generational. When I was in school in the ’80s, the term “specific learning difference” didn’t exist, let alone the more positive term, “neurodivergence.” Children who displayed traits that we now recognize as learning differences were regarded as unintelligent and troublesome, their traits only inspiring irritation or sympathy from teachers. (Even the latter can be damaging to self-esteem if a child senses that an authority figure is taking pity on them.)

The Consequences of Negative Teacher Bias

Such negative, often implicit biases against these students means potentially disastrous outcomes for self-esteem and future educational success. A UK report found that institutions of higher learning have been slow to provide inclusive educational environments in large part because of negative attitudes from staff toward students with learning differences.¹ This included teachers not believing that a student had a disability or difference, and even questioning if a neurodivergent student was capable of studying at their current level.

Crucially, we must consider intersectionality here and how the overlap of race and gender with learning differences may create further discrimination or disadvantage, as evidenced, for example, by a teacher holding lower expectations of a child who has a certain skin color and a learning difference, or enacting harsher consequences. According to the Bellwether Report, Black students with disabilities account for just over 2% of the total U.S. student population, yet they make up nearly 9% of all students suspended.²

[Read: Why We Must Achieve Equitable ADHD Care for African American and Latinx Children]

We Need to Revolutionize Teacher Training

One in every five of us is said to be neurodivergent³, so it is the rule and not the exception that teachers will educate students with learning differences for the entirety of their careers. Still, educator training to support students with learning differences using inclusive practices, including increasing awareness of implicit biases, remains inadequate or largely unavailable, despite increasing calls for these components to become a core part of teacher training.

A strengths-based, inclusion-focused pedagogy whereby teachers fundamentally believe that all students, regardless of ability, can thrive when their needs are met can dramatically change learning outcomes for the better. One study showed that, compared to teachers with negative inclusive educational beliefs, teachers who believed that inclusive education is an effective way to teach provided greater positive feedback to students, felt less frustrated, and held lower expectations for future failure.⁴

In my role as a learning support specialist, I have collected many anecdotes from neurodivergent students about times when a teacher delivered instruction in a more inclusive manner, surely with learning differences exclusively in mind, that ended up making the lesson much more accessible to the entire class, to the delight of all students. Known as the curb-cut effect, it demonstrates that inclusive teaching can benefit not just a target group, but all students.

Apart from teacher training on inclusive practices, we also need more neurodivergent teachers who, by virtue of living with a condition or learning difference, will understand the experiences of students with learning differences and approach instruction in a more empathetic manner.

It’s possible that there are more neurodivergent educators out there than we know. They remain in the shadows because of fears related to disclosing a learning differences and being judged negatively. The unfortunate consequence of stigma is that it leaves a distinct lack of neurodivergent role models for students. If educational institutions start to actively recruit, support, and learn from neurodivergent teachers, then schools as a whole will be more inclined to look positively upon their neurodivergent students.

I feel instinctively that the tide is turning. It may be slow, but I’m heartened by how much societal awareness of neurodiversity has grown. I’ve observed that teachers and students are becoming more open about their differently wired brains. In my lifetime, I hope that all teachers will walk into a classroom and immediately feel nothing but delight and excitement – never dread – at the prospect of teaching students with wonderfully neurodivergent brains.

Implicit Bias in Education: Next Steps

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CELEBRATING 25 YEARS OF ADDITUDE
Since 1998, ADDitude has worked to provide ADHD education and guidance through webinars, newsletters, community engagement, and its groundbreaking magazine. To support ADDitude’s mission, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

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Attending the University of Notre Dame was always my dream. I loved the mission of the university and wanted to continue the legacy of my grandfather and great-grandfather. I vividly remember when my grandfather took me to a football game as an eighth grader. We went to the Grotto and lit candles. He smiled at me and said, “If you work hard, you can study here.”

Though I nodded back, I didn’t completely believe him. Even after being accepted to Notre Dame, I was afraid I wouldn’t have the tools or talent to measure up to my peers.

As a student with ADHD and dyslexia, I have often experienced doubt and struggled in my academic career during periods of transition, e.g., moving to a school for children with learning differences in second grade, attending a ‘regular’ high school, and then going to college. These periods are challenging for everyone, but the learning curve for individuals with learning differences and ADHD can be especially steep and intimidating.

[Free Download: Securing Accommodations in College]

Despite my fears, I loved my first semester of college. Academically, I worked really hard to succeed at such a rigorous school. I sat in the front row of every lecture, tried to know each professor personally, signed up for exam accommodations, and relentlessly studied.

I took my notes on paper to limit my distractions using beautifully colored pens. I made flashcards, went to office hours, checked homework with friends, and did every practice problem I could get my hands on. These habits set me up for success. I also joined clubs, started a job, auditioned for a play, attended football games, and spent time with new friends I cherish even now in my third year.

I experienced really tough moments, too. My schedule was absolutely insane (and still is my junior year!). Outside of Friday and Saturday nights, I worked constantly. There was no time for Netflix or naps. I also experienced intense exam anxiety. I put a ton of pressure on myself to be at the top of my class, even if it really didn’t matter. I recall scoring below average on my first calculus exam. I was so hard on myself even though I improved my score on every subsequent exam.

I also made careless mistakes that I beat myself up about, like when I missed my first online quiz for my microeconomics class. It changed my grade average to 56%. Yet, I still managed to end the semester with an A. Another time, I missed the deadline to apply to be a class council representative because I didn’t read one email. Yet, that missed opportunity led me to run for vice president of my hall, one of the best experiences I have ever had.

[Self-Test: ADHD Symptoms in Women and Girls ]

Those “failures” seemed devastating at the moment, but they always worked out for the best. I just needed to problem-solve, take deep breaths, and pivot. I am incredibly grateful to those who supported me, such as the girls in my hall, kind professors, the Sara Bea Accessibility Services Center, and my family.

ADHD College Advice for First-Year Students

Here are 10 pieces of college advice I would offer any incoming student with ADHD and learning differences:

1. Learn the names of as many people as possible and say “hello.” You never know who might become your best friend. However, know that not everyone will jive with you — and that’s totally okay.
2. Do not discount yourself — yes, you really do belong. Say yes to as many opportunities as possible. This is the best time to explore your passions and the myriad communities on campus.
3. Figure out what motivates you. Because of my ADHD, I really need deadlines or someone to hold me accountable. I am most engaged and productive when I am really busy.
4. Get a job on campus and make your own money. Deposit some money into a long-term savings account, buy your textbooks, splurge at Trader Joe’s, take a spontaneous solo trip to Las Vegas — whatever floats your boat.
5. Sit in the front and pay attention in class. If you scroll through your phone during lectures, you will need to spend far longer studying the night before an exam.
6. If you choose to be busy, have a positive attitude about it. You can invest your valuable time however you see fit. If it makes you miserable, do something else.
7. Create a toolkit of things that help you stay focused. A drink always helps me pay attention in long lectures. I go to Starbucks or use my electric kettle to brew tea from my dorm room. I also use colorful pens to make taking notes more fun. If all else fails, walk to the bathroom and back to reset.
8. Ask, and you shall receive. Do not be afraid to reach out to people in your campus community. Cold emails can lead to jobs, friendships, and new insights. You have nothing to lose, so be assertive and ask for what you want.
9. Conflict is normal. Yet, always assume good intent, especially with friends, teammates, professors, and project members. Active listening, “I” statements, and compassion go a long way. It’s totally okay to think differently than others, but ignoring their perspectives is not okay.
10. Prioritize your sleep, exercise, and faith (if you practice). Investing time in these activities will make you far happier and more productive.

ADHD College Advice: Next Steps

Meaghan Northup grew up in Louisville, Kentucky, and is a junior at the University of Notre Dame where she is studying Business Analytics and French.

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CELEBRATING 25 YEARS OF ADDITUDE
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The other night, when my girlfriend and I sat in the kitchen enjoying a cuppa tea, I got up mid-conversation to put away a pack of cat treats. “I’m still listening!” I shouted as I walked into the adjacent room.

She kept talking, and I kept puttering around. I apologized afterward, as I felt I’d been a bit rude. Thankfully, it didn’t bother her. But I realized I putter often, doing small jobs in a relaxed way. And it’s not just with her but during every kitchen-adjacent conversation with anyone, or when I’m on the phone, or when I’m hosting people…you get the idea. While it looks like I’ve tuned out the conversation, moving around and tidying up actually helps me be an active listener.

I love my kitchen. It’s a very active space that is permanently untidy in a homely, practical way. I find cooking and making cocktails a great creative outlet, especially when I’m entertaining. I’ve made my kitchen as ADHD-friendly as possible, keeping the stuff I use most visible and accessible while dancing about.

[Self-Test: Do I Have ADHD? Symptom Test for Adults]

British custom dictates that we offer (force feed) our guests a drink or cuppa tea when they arrive, generally making the kitchen our first port of call. When my girlfriend pops by, she’ll perch on a stool at the breakfast bar (a stool I instinctively dodge or walk into every time I pass it rather than tuck it away). I’ll make the drinks. She’ll talk. I’ll listen. Then, I’ll get an overwhelming urge to reorganize my cupboards.

I’m not uninterested in what she’s saying — that woman could give a blow-by-blow account of a puddle drying, and I would hang on her every word. It’s just that I suddenly notice all these little tasks, and it’s like an itch! I really can’t help myself — I simply must do them then and there.

So, now I find myself standing there, doing my best not to interrupt her and practice my active listening skills without accidentally stabbing myself in the hand with the paring knife I’m ‘discreetly’ polishing.

By the time she finishes telling me about her day, the area around me looks like an IKEA showroom, yet the rest of the kitchen is still scruffy!

[Free Download: How to Focus (When Your Brain Says ‘No’!)]

Then it’s my turn to talk, and all my activity ceases as she has such captivating listening eyes and a radiant smile.

Overall, I think my kitchen tidying is a good ADHD habit. For example, I’ll notice I’ve run out of clean cooking knives, wash the ones I’ve left beside some bowls, and then start cleaning the bowls. The next thing you know, I’ve washed all the pots and pans and blitzed the entire room in a whirlwind of disinfectant wipes, blissfully forgetful of the ice cream quietly melting in the next room, still bereft of the spoon I went to fetch in the first place. Then I’ll realize I’ve forgotten the spoon, go back into the kitchen, get distracted by a spot I missed cleaning as I open the cutlery drawer…and here we go again!

Is this an ADHD thing or something that everyone else does?

Active Listening: Next Steps

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CELEBRATING 25 YEARS OF ADDITUDE
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Can’t get out of bed? Whether it’s due to a poor night’s sleep (hello, night owls), stubborn morning grogginess (i.e., sleep inertia), or dread-induced paralysis, struggling to wake up – while a common issue among individuals with ADHD – is a rough way to start the day… everyday.

Try these suggestions to get your mind, body, and environment aligned to help you get out of bed in the morning with less resistance and more alertness.

Fight Sleep Inertia by Waking the Body

• Develop or reaffirm the habit of placing your phone or alarm across the room where you can hear it go off in the morning, but you must move in some capacity to shut it off. (Movement is key!)
• Invite bright light into your room – another step you prepare the night prior – to cue your body that it is time to awaken. Leave a portion of your curtains/blinds open to allow the morning sunlight to gradually brighten your room. Alternatively, invest in a lamp that activates with your alarm.
• Drink water as soon as you can after waking. Beyond hydration, the cool water will provide a mini shock to your body and quickly eliminate grogginess. (Leave a glass of water on your night stand the evening prior and do your best to take even a small sip right after waking.) Give it a try; even if your head hits the pillow again for 5 more minutes, you’ll find it much harder to get any additional sleep with your body now activated.

[Get This Free Download: How to Sleep Better with ADHD]

• Continue to cool your body temperature! The temporary discomfort will continue to activate your body and bring you out of a groggy state. Throw off your covers and let the cool air hit you; if you got up to shut off your alarm, go ahead and open a window while you’re at it. Was your phone or alarm on your way to the bathroom? Then step in to splash cold water on your face and/or take a cold shower.
• Get your blood pumping with light stretches. You can tense and relax while still in bed, after getting up to silence your alarm and drink water, and at any other point when your body could use a boost.
• Breathe deeply for a few moments to increase your attention and help you feel refreshed and revitalized.
• Use the power of scent to cue your body to wakefulness. Increase alertness with various aromas like peppermint, eucalyptus, or rosemary. Consider using sprays or diffusers (even better if they go off automatically). You can even set your coffee maker to start brewing just after your alarm goes off. The inviting smell of hot coffee can lure you out of bed.
• Play energizing sounds, like upbeat music from your favorite playlist.

[Read: How to Break the Exhausting Habit of Revenge Bedtime Procrastination]

Mentally Overcome “Can’t Get Out of Bed” Thoughts

• Resist the snooze. I know – if it were that easy to do, you probably wouldn’t be reading this. But when you’re reaching for the snooze button, it might help to remember that it actually prolongs sleep inertia, potentially making your morning feel even worse.
• Focus on the next step. If you’re overwhelmed at the thought of everything you have to do, take a deep breath and try to pay attention only to your next small step, like getting your body out of bed, putting on slippers, taking one step and then another out of your room and into the bathroom, and so on.
• Reward yourself when you get out of bed. Text a friend (which can also keep you accountable), enjoy a great breakfast, read your favorite blog, watch an episode of your favorite TV show as you get ready – anything that will make your morning as enjoyable as possible.
• Reflect on three positive things that have happened in the past week to start your day on an encouraging note of gratitude.
• Plan positive moments throughout the day and remember them when you’re waking. Write them down in a place you can easily look in the morning.
• Come up with positive affirmations related to waking. Tell yourself that you enjoy waking up in the morning. Say it enough, and you’ll believe it.

Getting to a point where you can spring out of bed and start your day 100% energized won’t happen overnight. With any of these techniques, give yourself time to build consistency so these strategies become part of your morning routine. If you have chronic difficulties with sleep, whether from ADHD and/or other conditions that impact sleep, including stress, consult with your doctor to determine the best sleep/wake strategies for you and if any adjustments to your treatment plans are necessary.

How to Get Out of Bed in the Morning with ADHD: Next Steps

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CELEBRATING 25 YEARS OF ADDITUDE
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Growing up, I was a normal, active kid who loved school and participated in many sports and activities. I loved school and it came easily to me! When I was 15, my life changed when I had an accident while horseback riding. I have absolutely no recollection of the event itself, but I know that I landed on my head.

After about 45 minutes of unconsciousness, followed by another 5 hours where I was unable to recollect anything – I had no short- or long-term memory – I “woke up” in the hospital. By “woke up” I mean I was able to retain enough information to have a conversation that lasted longer than 5 minutes.

After a few days in the hospital, where I answered the same questions over and over (What is your name? What year is it? Who is the president?) I was sent on my way. But during my time in care and even afterward, I kept hearing variations of “You’re fine” and “You’re okay,” which troubled me, because I didn’t feel fine or okay. I struggled to recall anything before the accident. And I don’t just mean the hours or day before, but my whole life prior to the event. When I shared these concerns, my doctor assured me that it’s normal not to remember “the days” before the concussion, and that my memory should come back in a couple of weeks, “but you may not get it all back. You’ll be fine!”

After the incident, I was referred to an optometrist to help clear up my double- and triple-vision. Today, this would have been an obvious sign that something was wrong with my brain, not my eyes. But we didn’t know back then what we know now.

Worse than the memory loss, though, was my loss of impulse and emotional control. It felt like there was someone inside of me controlling – and ruining – everything. Still, I was told “You’re okay” and “It’s fine!” so many times that I stopped questioning what was happening to me, even though I didn’t feel like myself. I spent the rest of my high school years quietly struggling. I forgot how to learn and had no control over my emotions or behaviors – yet I was soon off to college.

[Read: 11 Strategies That Improve Emotional Control at School and Home]

I had not talked to anyone about what I was going through because I was told that I was fine – end of discussion. But once in college, I talked about my experiences with my new best friend. He was the first one to tell me, “Dude, you are not okay.” He told my roommate, who was a neuropsychology major, who then brought me to her psychology professor, who then put me in touch with his friend, a neurologist. He confirmed that my “concussion” was in fact a traumatic brain injury and that I had not received any of the post-injury care that I needed.

I was in denial at first. But being told that I was “not okay” did something to me: It gave me the confidence to finally advocate for myself. Eventually, I began to see a counselor who helped me deal with the shame and self-hatred I had developed due to everything that had happened. She helped me realize that it’s okay to not be okay, and she encouraged me to focus on moving forward and building myself into someone whom I can love and respect.

Today, I’m a teacher and learning specialist for twice-exceptional students — those with brilliant minds who also have conditions that impact learning, emotions, and behavior.

Why do I share this deeply personal story? Because, as a teacher, I think it is a great example of the damage we can do when we tell students who are struggling with big emotions or otherwise that they are “fine” or “okay” when we know – and they know — that they are neither.

[Read: “Did Something Happen at School Today?”]

I know that we mean well, but these words often have the unintended effect of negating a child’s feelings, as was the case for me after my injury. If we continuously tell students that they are okay when they are not, we cause them to question themselves and refrain from seeking help and advocating for themselves.

So how should we respond when a student isn’t doing okay?

What Emotionally Struggling Students Need

1. Acknowledge their feelings. Even when you concretely know that your student is not in danger, real pain, or emotional turmoil, it’s important to validate how they’re feeling. This doesn’t mean that you need to agree with them or even believe that their response is appropriate to the situation. On that note…

2. Remember that feelings are complicated. All young students are not always the best at recognizing their emotions, but it is particularly difficult for neurodivergent students. They may struggle to identify what triggered their emotions, which often makes for implausible explanations that seem attention-seeking. Your student might fear, for example, that they are being chased by a giant worm. Instead of dismissing them, recognize that your student may be struggling to identify and verbalize what’s really going on. Honor this emotion of fear anyway by saying, “That seems really scary” or “That sounds terrifying!”

3. Provide options for calming down. We can’t start to problem-solve in a state of emotional dysregulation. That said – and this should go without saying – do not tell your students to calm down. If they could, they would. Instead, offer them tools and strategies to help them reclaim emotional control.

I have a student who (virtually) storms into my classroom at least once a week. I let him express his feelings, acknowledge that I can see his frustration, and say something like, “I would really like to discuss this with you, but first, can we take a second to remember where we are?” With that, I ask the student to tell me five things he sees, four things he feels, three things he hears, two things he knows he can do, and one thing he is going to do. At this point (and usually after a lot of eye-rolling) we are able to move on to problem-solving.

4. Help students name feelings and look past the surface to identify the real problem. By building their emotional vocabulary, you’re helping students pinpoint how they’re feeling – anything from frustrated and bored to worried and irritable – which will allow them to take control and figure out what’s behind their feelings.

Once your student identifies what caused their feelings, give them options for problem-solving (and how you can play a role), like “mediate conversation between students” (assuming there’s some conflict here), “discuss methods for managing emotions” (e.g., what to do when challenging class material causes frustration), and “talk with parents about student needs” among other choices. Nine times out of ten, students simply want to be heard and have their problems recognized. Giving your students options to identify the type of help they want and need will empower them to seek out appropriate resources the next time a similar situation arises.

As I learned after years of suffering silently, it’s okay to not be okay. This mentality doesn’t mean that we’re encouraging students to accept defeat. In fact, it’s the opposite. When we can admit that we’re struggling – a little or a lot – it puts us on a path toward finding help to make things better. The next time a student isn’t doing okay, acknowledge it. Believe them so they won’t question themselves as they open the door to resiliency and self-advocacy. If we do not provide a truly supportive and safe space for them to express their emotions, we actively hurt their resilience and self-advocacy.

It’s Okay to Not Be Okay: Next Steps for Emotional Control

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CELEBRATING 25 YEARS OF ADDITUDE
Since 1998, ADDitude has worked to provide ADHD education and guidance through webinars, newsletters, community engagement, and its groundbreaking magazine. To support ADDitude’s mission, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

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As a child growing up in the ‘80s, I was bombarded with messages about “stranger danger.” Imagine my surprise, then, when a stranger arrived at the door of my second-grade classroom to take me away, and no one seemed to think it strange.

I obediently rose from my small desk to meet said stranger, who had lots of questions for me as we made our way down the hallway: How old was I? 8. Did I have any brothers or sisters? Yes, three. Which hand did I use to write? I raised my left hand when I meant to raise my right – a nervous mistake.

The stranger and I made our way to a small, windowless room I had never seen before, where other children around my age, unfamiliar to me, were sitting at a large, oddly shaped table. That small room eventually became a regular part of my routine. Why was I there? Because of reading challenges — from word recognition to reading comprehension — uncovered from earlier rounds of testing.

I guess I shouldn’t have been too surprised. School had already been a challenge for me even before the second grade. Starting in kindergarten, I struggled with seemingly simple tasks — learning the alphabet, tying my shoes, cutting with scissors, and other primary language and motor skills — that left me behind my classmates. Making friends was a challenge, and I was always just a step behind the conversation or action.

Oddly enough, no one discussed this change in my schedule, not my teachers, parents, or the few friends I had. Months after the stranger first appeared, acknowledgement of this change finally came in the form of a piercing, unforgettable comment from my teacher – my tormentor. When I was allowed to rejoin a reading group in my “regular” classroom, my teacher said, “Let’s see how long you last.”

[Read: Reading Strategies That Grow with Your Child]

My reading did improve, although standardized test scores indicated otherwise. Eventually, I stopped receiving reading remediation, but my school experience continued to be bumpy. I struggled to prepare for tests, and even with significant preparation, I would be met with tearful results and frustration from my parents. For some time in middle school, I got so anxious that I would get sick to my stomach on Monday mornings, which landed me in the emergency room; at age 11, I was diagnosed with a stomach ulcer.

Even in areas where I did excel, I wasn’t free from stumbling. I loved physics and understood its theories but would get stuck on memorizing and applying formulas. I had to repeat math, and a college with no math requirement was a top priority when I began applying. The understanding I had formed of myself as a learner — not as quick as the other kids who seemed to “get” school so much more easily than me — seemed at odds with some of the honors classes into which I had been placed.

Still, I survived school with an anxious sense of uncertainty, not ever understanding why it was so difficult for me.

Hidden Strengths

As researcher and social entrepreneur Dr. Todd Rose notes, “We all have jagged profiles; there is no average.” This is certainly true in my case. Much later in my life, during my first neuropsychological evaluation, I learned that I had combined-type ADHD that had been undiagnosed all this time. I exhibited significant struggles with executive functioning, including working memory. My oral reading accuracy was at the 30th percentile, with a “high rate of errors” along with other reading difficulties. And despite believing that I was not good in math, I actually scored above the 90th percentile in this subject.

[Read: The Dyslexia and ADHD Connection]

My profile is, indeed, jagged. My weaknesses, like difficulty with sustained attention, are offset by areas of great strength, like visual-perceptual skills. Of course, given the lack of a diagnosis, it took 30 years for me to uncover whether I was truly less capable or if there was a reason for my struggles.

The Champions Who Kept Me Going

Indeed, I experienced many struggles. But I did meet some champions along the way — select teachers and individuals who believed in my potential and encouraged me. I also found a group of friends with whom I could feel smart because we were all much more interested in learning things outside of school. I found joy working on automobiles and anything mechanical that I could take apart and put back together.

Even in college, which was a difficult transition for me, to say the least, what kept me going when I was one phone call away from dropping out were the people who cared for me, believed in my potential, and challenged me to work toward it. This same motivational factor reemerged several times throughout my life, which I credit for my successes.

A few months after graduating, I drove my younger sibling to middle school — the same one I had attended a decade earlier. We ran into one of my former teachers, and just as she had years earlier, she became a champion in my life that day when she encouraged me to do the unthinkable: Return to middle school. I enlisted as a substitute teacher that same week, fueling a passion to change the way we think about and educate kids.

Today, I am the president of The Dyslexia Foundation, director of the Global Literacy Hub at the Yale Child Study Center, and executive director of The Southport School and The Southport CoLAB, which serves kids who think and learn differently, many of whom have been marginalized or struggled in mainstream academic environments.

People frequently ask me, “What does it take to help struggling kids thrive in school?” I don’t have a singular answer, but I do know this: How children feel about themselves depends heavily on whether they have champions in their lives. These champions can leverage a child’s strengths, improve their self-perception, and motivate them toward positive change. I know this because my own champions helped me change my internal dialogue, little by little.

At my school in Southport, Connecticut, we bet on our students, just like some key people in my life bet on me. We choose to believe in their potential so that they don’t have to find those one or two teachers who believe in them. We don’t allow strangers to arrive at classroom doors and pull students out, as the relationship we build with our students is based on trust. We champion them unconditionally and appreciate them fully – no one is a stranger here.

Supporting Students with Learning Differences: Next Steps

Dr. Benjamin N. Powers is the executive director of The Southport School, an independent day school for cerebrodiverse children in grades 2-8 with language-based learning differences such as dyslexia and attention issues. He is also the founder and executive director of The Southport CoLAB, Director of the Global Literacy Hub at the Yale Child Study Center, a senior scientist with Haskins Laboratories, and president of The Dyslexia Foundation.

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CELEBRATING 25 YEARS OF ADDITUDE
Since 1998, ADDitude has worked to provide ADHD education and guidance through webinars, newsletters, community engagement, and its groundbreaking magazine. To support ADDitude’s mission, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

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Some time ago, I came down for breakfast and discovered a curious stack of bottles in the kitchen. It was a resolute stack. It knew it wanted to be there. I knew I didn’t want it to be there. One was a vitamin bottle, another an allergy pill bottle, and a third a prescription pill bottle. The three of them were stacked on top of one another in the middle of my otherwise pristine and shiny counter.

It drove me bananas.

Why was it there? I knew it was thanks to my husband, but why was he doing this? It was different than the way he usually left his things. This was intentional, and that bugged me even more. I thought, “He’s standing there stacking this thing for the niftiness of it, probably admiring it for some physics or mathematical property and walking away without a care for how the house looks.”

Grrrr.

I unstacked the bottles and put them back in their little nook.

The next day, the stack returned.

This seesaw continued — him stacking, me unstacking.

I should mention that my husband and I both have ADHD. He’s brilliant, unruffled, and messy. I’m creative, a worrier, and organized. We make a great team.

[Read: “The 3 Vital Keys to Our Happy ADHD Marriage”]

But the combination sometimes presents its challenges, as with the enigma of the tower of bottles in the kitchen. What’s more, even after our diagnoses (mine came well after his), I still spent so many years in the dark about ADHD and how we each manage it. That all started to change for me when I decided to become an ADHD coach.

An Annoying Habit? Or Creative Problem-Solving at Work?

In the midst of our stacking and unstacking, I happened to be in coaching training and learning about “externalizing” as a strategy for managing ADHD issues with memory and forgetfulness. Externalizing has many forms — paper and digital planners, buzzers, alarms, vibrating watches, timers, visual cueing — you name it, it’s out there.

I marveled at these tools and admired those with ADHD who sought out these strategies, experimented with them, and incorporated them into their lives.

So there I was, admiring folks who used cues, while at the same time, over in my kitchen, getting peeved about The Stack, and unstacking it.

[Read: “My Keys Were in the Fridge!” ADHD Stories of Wildly Misplaced Items]

Until one day it hit me.

Wait a second. Is this—? Could it be—?

I went downstairs when I heard my husband making dinner.

“Honey,” I asked with curiosity for once, “why do you stack those pill bottles? I never really asked you.” He shrugged with a simple matter-of-factness.

“It’s a way to remember to take my pills. I’d been forgetting. If they are stacked, it tells me I haven’t taken them yet.”

I closed my eyes. It was stunning to see how easy it was for me to assume and not delve further. Truthfully, it never occurred to me there might be anything else to understand about my husband’s bottle stacking. Yet there I was, blind to something so remarkable.

Talk about humbling. Talk about how celebratory I suddenly felt, too, about living with ADHD.

ADHD Brains Are Solution-Oriented

There’s a creative current that runs through our ADHD self-management systems that we sometimes don’t see or acknowledge in ourselves. We come to the table with self-knowledge already in place, knowing through trial and error what has worked and what hasn’t, that we don’t often give ourselves credit for.

In the kitchen that day, when my husband revealed his own self-care solution, I was so proud of him. And I realized there is much yet for me to learn — about him, myself, and others with ADHD.

I’m so ready.

So if you see a tower of stacked vitamin and prescription bottles in the middle of my kitchen counter right now, please know that it is not due to madness or some passive aggressive stunt. It’s due to brilliant self-awareness.

Creative Problem-Solving and ADHD: Next Steps

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Peopling is hard. Peopling with strangers is harder. When you’re neurodivergent, every social situation can feel like a slow-moving catastrophe of missed cues and faux pas. As my husband and I stepped into the hotel for the Horror Writers Association’s annual StokerCon gathering, disaster seemed to loom. I faced three days of intense peopling. Surely, I would screw it up somehow.

We walked into a sea of black-clothed people in nametags. I immediately noticed my Twitter buddy Andrew Sullivan, an accomplished author recognizable by his tats. “Hi!” I said, touching his arm — then realizing he was rushing by with a group of other people. I swallowed a wince: Social faux pas number one accomplished, and I hadn’t even reached the registration table.

But Andrew gave me a genuine smile. “Hey, Eliza!” he said. “Good to see you! I’ll catch up in a bit.” He disappeared into the crowd. I blinked a few times. He hadn’t ignored me. My impulsive greeting wasn’t brushed off as strange. That was different. My husband and I found the conference’s check-in. I was the writer. He’d come along for moral support — I wasn’t walking the social gauntlet alone.

I shouldn’t have worried, though I didn’t know it at the time.

Finding My Neurodivergent Safe Space

I’d started writing Southern Gothic horror about a year earlier; while I’d interacted with plenty of other writers on Twitter, I didn’t know about the horror community’s strong commitment to supporting its marginalized members — including the neurodiverse ones. So often, we’re lost in the shuffle. While people may say they “support neurodiversity” — and most do — they’re unwilling to do the hard work of understanding us.

We have trouble with eye contact. We overshare. We burn out and need a break; we miss social cues, then miss more while we’re trying to cover our embarrassment. To people who don’t understand, we can read as rude, condescending, or worse. It’s excruciating for us and alienating for others.

[Free Download: 8 Ways to Get Better at Small Talk]

The head of the Horror Writers Association, John Edward Lawson, understands this all too well. “As a person with CPTSD, severe depression, and ADHD, who is also a parent of someone on the autism spectrum, I am intimately familiar with the challenges faced when navigating a society engineered against your needs,” he says. “My belief as a leader is that you don’t boost your community by raising the ceiling, you do so by raising the floor; people who are forgotten, left out, or dismissed will contribute in groundbreaking ways when able to participate.”

I’d walked into the ultimate neurodivergent safe space.

This started to dawn on me when my cadre of Twitter buddies recognized me from across the bookroom — and shouted my name.

I hadn’t expected shouting, which is usually my first impulse and usually ends with a side-eye and a dismissal of over-enthusiasm.

“Can I give you a hug?” I asked after wending my way over. One more time, I stopped myself from wincing: Certainly, I’d said the wrong thing again. No one hugs people they just met.

“Um, I hope you give us a hug!” one of them replied.

I’d found my not-scary scary people.

[Self-Test: Could You Have Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria?]

Where the ‘Weird Kids’ Are

One woman had fire-engine-red hair, long on one side and buzzed on the other. One wore a fanny pack and carried emoji signs he threatened to deploy in place of facial expression. Some had wild tats, and some had none. They were lawyers and accountants, grocery-store clerks, and parents. Some were super-extra, and some were quiet. When I confessed that I was scared I’d be the weird kid, they cracked up. “No, you’re not the weird kid,” they all told me. “I’m the weird kid.” One swore that he spent his childhood wearing a cape. Another said he used to carry a dictionary around for reading — and personal protection.

“Personal protection?” I asked.

He told us about clocking his childhood tormentor with Merriam-Webster, and I might’ve fallen a little bit in love. Someone else might have called it “over-sharing,” but we were all “over-sharing.” No one cared. When a woman spent half an hour explaining her unabashed love for seaQuest, it wasn’t odd. Her passion was beautiful; we appreciated her energy and excitement with the same enthusiasm she handed us. Of course, we wanted her to tell us. Of course, it wasn’t weird. Did she like it? Only that mattered. The “cool” kids had stopped making our rules, and we were free.

But StokerCon went farther than simply tolerating our social quirks. The HWA planned carefully to accommodate its neurodiverse members. Though we had panels all day, people were vocal about becoming burnt out with too much peopling; they took breaks, and no one felt ashamed about it. StokerCon, as Lawson notes, included, “expanded virtual events and asynchronous workshops, a variety of event spaces such as the quiet rooms,” and diversity grants were awarded through the Horror Scholarships program. Lawson didn’t just plan on an institutional level, either. When I brought him a book to sign and realized, cringingly, that it was a signed edition, he laughed with me.

I wasn’t alone in feeling included. Cynthia Pelayo, who won a Bram Stoker Award that weekend for her poetry collection Crime Scene (Raw Dog Screaming Press), says, “I haven’t been as vocal about myself being neurodiverse, but I think it’s important to state that and to highlight that people like us exist who fall outside of the neurotypical range. All humans deserve respect, kindness, patience, and understanding, and as a neurodiverse person, respect, kindness, understanding, and patience from the writing community has been instrumental in my success.”

That writing community’s support goes further than StokerCon, too. Jennifer Barnes runs Raw Dog Screaming Press, which scooped two Bram Stoker Awards in 2022, one in 2021, and three in 2020. “I suspect there has always been a large contingent of neurodiverse writers and, as a press, we’ve always tried to be aware of that, especially in social situations,” she says. “So when we take pitches, we don’t worry about eye contact or how the pitch is given, and we understand that conferences can be overwhelming. This also extends to all author communication.”

I spent a lot of time talking to people that weekend. I also spent a lot of time simply being myself, and that was a kind of exhausting I’d never experienced in a large-group setting. “It’ll be hard to remember to act normal,” I told my husband as we drove away from StokerCon. 

He threw me a look. “We were acting normal,” he said.

I smiled because he was right, and it was wonderful.

Socially Awkward Next Steps

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CELEBRATING 25 YEARS OF ADDITUDE
Since 1998, ADDitude has worked to provide ADHD education and guidance through webinars, newsletters, community engagement, and its groundbreaking magazine. To support ADDitude’s mission, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

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A student came to me feeling angry and frustrated. “I can’t help it!” she cried, “My brain is awful.” These words pierced my heart. She felt like her ADHD was a problem. And she isn’t alone. I’ve heard far too many neurodivergent kids say similar things about themselves.

The path to learning and embracing who you are isn’t always smoothly paved, especially when a learning difference, condition, or disability is involved. When your child or student feels down or discouraged, here are some things they need to hear about their perfect neurodivergent selves:

1. Your brain is amazing! If your brain is to blame for this one thing that happened (or sometimes many things that happened) that you didn’t like, your brain is also to blame for the other millions of things about you that you do like, and that are part of you.

[Get This Free Download: How to Teach Self-Advocacy Skills to Children with ADHD]

Your condition is only one part of you. A big part? Absolutely. But still just one. I’m not asking you to separate yourself from your condition but to see yourself as a whole. Think about the things that are going (or went) well for you, like the beautiful art project that you made, the really cool LEGO display you designed and built, or that funny joke you told that left your friends and teachers laughing from their bellies. Your brain does those things because all parts of it are amazing.

2. You are not alone. Being different can feel isolating, especially when you have an invisible disability or difference. You might think you’re the only one with your experiences, and that no one else gets it because they don’t have to work through life in the same way you do. Your dad doesn’t get it because he knows everything. Your best friend doesn’t get it because she always gets good grades. Though your experiences are uniquely yours, everyone knows what it’s like to feel sad, angry, annoyed, or confused. You’re not as alone as you think you are. Maybe your dad or best friend actually get it more than you think they do. Maybe ADHD or another form of neurodivergence is an untold (or yet-to-be-discovered) part of their story, or maybe they had something happen to them that you can relate to.

3. Hard and Capable are frenemies. Whenever Hard makes an appearance, bring out Capable, who always asks Hard, “What do you want?”

Sometimes Hard likes to distract us from figuring out why it even made an appearance. Hard may appear, for example, when you’re reading a paragraph and lose your place for the third time. If you’re only focused on Hard’s presence, then you won’t be able to bring out Capable, who will help you notice that you’re losing your place because someone else is rummaging through their desk and distracting you from your reading. Capable knows that we can do hard things by adjusting, like moving to a different spot in the room to read or putting on some headphones to drown out sounds. With Capable’s help, you’ll be able to figure out what you need to do to say to Hard, “Thank you, now you can go.”

[Read: Shake Loose of Your Limiting Beliefs — a Guide for Teens with ADHD]

4. Learn from it and keep going. Maybe dyscalculia makes it difficult to concentrate in math class (and all the numbers look like Jell-O). It’s possible that hyperactivity made you jump on your chair, then another chair, until you fell. In all these situations, you may be able to trace challenges back to your condition, but you can also reflect on the experience to learn how to do things differently next time. (Remember, a reason is not an excuse.) You deserve to learn math and get extra help if you need it. You deserve to advocate for yourself and say, “I need a break” when your body feels like it really, really needs to move.

5. It’s not your fault that the world was built around neurotypical individuals. However, it is your responsibility to decide what to do about it. You deserve to be the best version of yourself, so let’s figure out how your world can be easier for you to navigate to reach your goals and aspirations.

Words of Encouragement for Neurodivergent Teens: Next Steps

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CELEBRATING 25 YEARS OF ADDITUDE
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A nagging, life-long question resurfaced as I began exploring career options again: Where do I fit? And how and where am I meant to find a role that leads to a life I can be proud of?

I recently researched employer branding to better understand employer and corporate perspectives. However, it also gave me valuable insights into why the quest for the perfect job seems so elusive for people with ADHD.

Employer branding is essentially a corporation’s dating profile: It makes the company as appealing as possible for the talent it wants to attract and hire. It works like a magnet in traditional haystack recruiting, effectively pulling the needle to the recruiter, saving them time and resources searching through the rest of the hay to find it. This streamlines their hiring process as strong candidates who are also a good cultural fit are already interested and engaged with the brand. It’s the business version of a low-cut top and great hair, promoting an appealing image of the company and its culture, or “personality,” and what your work life could be like if you join them.

Chasing Another Dream Job with ADHD

Employer branding is both catnip and kryptonite for people with ADHD.

We can’t help but chase the dream job and career. We are eager to buy into the company’s brand image and idealize belonging there; to be happy in our work, with a good wage and benefits package to do something we love in a place where we feel wanted, respected, understood, and financially and socially secure. It doesn’t matter if we’ve never heard of the company or if the industry’s tanking; we view our jobs as a new adventure packed with potential, and we’re excited to make a difference. Once we’re in, we’re all in — until it starts to go wrong.

One minute, we’re super happy to finally find a ‘work home,’ and the next, we’re left feeling like something’s a bit off. People with ADHD are genuine, loyal, hard-working, open, adaptable, (far too) honest, and often socially dependent yet oblivious creatives who think differently from our non-ADHD peers. We’re genuine gold dust but with a slight catch. We make mistakes that look careless but aren’t, do things a peculiar way, and miss details (like the boring bits of the job description!). Sometimes we miss deadlines and details others deem obvious and communicate in a funny way, especially when we feel overwhelmed and don’t realize it.

[Free Download: 8 Dream Jobs For Adults with ADHD]

We make these little ADHD mistakes early on, and then we overthink every single one of them because we really care about doing good work and take great pride in it. The shame is a big blow, and we care so much that sometimes it can drive us mad. We lose sleep, and our ADHD symptoms spike, especially over unavoidable critical feedback, which we don’t always know how to react to or process in the moment. So, we do our best to adapt, or we overcompensate.

Ultimately, we get hurt — a lot — during our careers, especially when our ADHD mistakes add up. We have a higher rate of getting fired than people without ADHD. Sometimes, we’re just the wrong fit for a job, but our brains, which are primed on strong emotions like pain, rejection, and joy, blame ourselves for the mismatch. This forces us into a constant internal feedback loop fraught with negative thinking.

Debunking Employer Branding

Like most images of pretty people on social media and dating profiles, employer branding doesn’t tell the whole truth. It’s the image that the corporation genuinely aspires to and wants us to see in an attempt to build a relationship that creates loyalty and excitement even before the first interview.

The truth is that large organizations are run by a mixture of people with different attitudes, agendas, backgrounds, and images of what makes a respectable professional or a creative. Trying to meet that ambiguity can make us feel like we’re a bogart from Harry Potter, whirling and morphing every time we receive feedback until we finally turn into a balloon, whiz around the room, and retreat to the safety of our dark little cupboard. It’s exhausting, as is the unrealistic pressure we put on ourselves to be ‘perfect’.

[Free Download: How to Figure Out Your Career Calling]

So, when we encounter this seductive employer branding, with its beautiful blonde hair and gorgeous smile, we must understand that it’s as genuine as any other social media post or dating profile. But it’s also written by a good person genuinely trying to give us what they think we want too.

Of course, after the toil of job hunting, it’s natural to feel enamored by a new position. But just as we need to manage our expectations in any new relationship, we need to take a step back during the first few months, stay neutral, remember ourselves, acclimate to the job, and understand that the people we work with and for are only human. They, too, have flaws.

But don’t give up hope.

There’s a real person behind every job advertisement who is probably confused about what they want, just like you. Ultimately, they only want what’s best for their team, to hire someone they can rely on and work with, who makes a better future for them and the company. Someone they can be proud of. We have to trust that they see us for who we are, and until then, we have no choice but to get up and try again until we find that perfect fit.

Good luck.

Navigating Employer Branding: Next Steps

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CELEBRATING 25 YEARS OF ADDITUDE
Since 1998, ADDitude has worked to provide ADHD education and guidance through webinars, newsletters, community engagement, and its groundbreaking magazine. To support ADDitude’s mission, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

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The space between can be rough for our kids.

Whether it’s the space between brushing teeth and putting on socks, or the space between the end of the school day and the start of swimming lessons, even a seemingly small transition point can have a big impact on our kids with ADHD. But with a bit of patience, planning, and practice, your child’s toughest transitions can eventually become second nature. Try these strategies to help your child seamlessly move through difficult “between spaces.”

1. Look for Patterns

Your child’s transition difficulties likely follow a pattern. Try writing down all the transition hot spots during your child’s day and think about what happens immediately before and after the transitions. Is your child moving from a quiet environment to a loud one with lots of people, or is it the opposite? Is the activity your child is transitioning to a boring one? Is the transition too slow, or too fast? You can also try to write down the transitions that come easily to your child to give you some clues. Maybe transitions are easier for your child when the environment is quieter, when they have a full belly, or if they can read a book on drive there.

Examining transitions in this way will help you notice patterns and think of strategies that uniquely fit the situation and are appealing for your child, like putting on their favorite song as they transition through their morning routine.

2. Visual Schedules are Your Child’s Friend

Visual reminders of the many activities and sequences your child follows throughout the day can help them mentally prepare for changes and avoid surprises. Make your child’s visual schedule as detailed as needed. For example, your child may benefit from an interactive visual schedule for their nighttime routine where each step in the routine has an associated picture card. That way, your child can physically move a picture card once the related task is completed.

But schedules don’t always have to contain images and Velcro tabs to help your child. Writing out (rather than solely verbally telling) your child the chores you expect them to complete may help with the transitions between homework, laundry, and doing the dishes. Likewise, another simple visual schedule could be writing out the tasks within an especially aversive homework assignment. Some children may thrive if their visual schedules are balanced with challenging and less challenging tasks, with breaks after especially frustrating tasks, or with a preferred activity at the end of the routine. Either way, your child will be able to see that a break or a fun reward is coming up soon.

[Free Download: Sample Schedules for Reliable Family Routines]

3. The Gift of Choice

Despite our best efforts, some things are simply out of our control, like if the school bus arrives late, or if it’s raining and your child can’t wear their favorite sandals. But even in these moments, there are always little glimmers of flexibility and choice to be found. Especially if your child’s transition difficulties are rooted in anxiety, choices, no matter how small, can provide them with a sense of control during stressful situations. If the bus is running late, you can ask your child, “Do you want to wait for the bus inside or outside?” If they can’t wear their favorite sandals, ask, “Do you want to wear tennis shoes or boots?”

Even when things are going according to plan, consider introducing flexibility and choice throughout your child’s daily transitions to break down barriers and resistance. For example, most likely the steps in your child’s bedtime routine are non-negotiable (e.g., putting on pajamas, brushing teeth, combing hair), but maybe you can let your child choose the order in which they’ll complete each step. If chores and homework are on your child’s to-do list, say, “Your choices are to do your flashcards or put away the dishes. Which one do you want to do first?”

4. Practice Frontloading

Frontloading refers to the conversations and activities that occur before an event with the intent to support a successful transition. Frontloading is another way to prepare your child for changes ahead, especially if those changes are big. For example, if your child is transferring schools, frontloading may include touring the new school in person and meeting key staff members before the official start of classes. Even better, your child can record the experience and rewatch videos of their tour. If your child feels anxious and overwhelmed at the thought of making new friends, talk through some coping tools they can independently use, like deep breathing and counting to ten. You can also talk through the best and worst possible outcomes of the upcoming activity and the likelihood of those outcomes occurring. For example, maybe your child forgot their spelling workbook, but a fellow classmate can share theirs – and now your child has made a new friend.

Frontloading can also look like having your child think through what they’ll encounter while making a transition. If your child is going to music lessons, have them visualize everything from getting ready for lessons to the noise levels of the studio and how they might react to the new environment. Maybe there are little strategies your child can think of that would make steps of these transitions easier. If getting ready for music lessons overwhelms your child, perhaps you try setting an alarm to remind your child to put their instrument by the front door, or the child makes a visual checklist and puts it near the door so your child can easily see if they have everything they need for class.

[Read: “How Can I Teach My Child to Smoothly Transition Activities?”]

5. Highlight Your Child’s Successes

There are so many transitions, including transitions within a single event (think about how Friday family night might include dinner, dessert, and multiple board games), happening all day and every day. With that in mind, think about all the transitions your child successfully completes each day, even if those switches appear minor. Remember these successes and take the time to praise your child for moving through them. Reminding your child of their success with all kinds of transitions is likely to keep them motivated when dealing with the tough ones.

ADHD and Transitions: Next Steps

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CELEBRATING 25 YEARS OF ADDITUDE
Since 1998, ADDitude has worked to provide ADHD education and guidance through webinars, newsletters, community engagement, and its groundbreaking magazine. To support ADDitude’s mission, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

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