During the past few weeks, I’ve seen a proliferation of A.I.-generated video in my social-media feeds and group texts. The more impressive—or, at least, more personalized—of these have been the work of Sora 2, the updated version of OpenAI’s video-generation platform, which the company released on an invitation-only basis at the end of September. This iteration of Sora comes with a socially networked app, and it appears to be much better at integrating you and your friends, say, into a stock scene. What this means is that, when you open up Sora 2, you’ll likely see a video of someone you know winning a Nobel Prize, getting drafted into the N.B.A., or flying a bomber plane in the Second World War.
When I first started seeing these videos, my internal monologue went something like this: Whoa, that really looks like me/my friend. Ha, that’s cool. This is going to be a problem for society.
This set of thoughts, usually in this order, has been part of the A.I. industry’s pitch to consumers—and it’s worth pausing in this moment and asking if those reactions still hold the same sway as they did when ChatGPT was launched to justifiably breathless reviews and speculation about the future three years ago. Sora 2 has been met with relatively little fanfare, at least in comparison to earlier releases from OpenAI. I was impressed by the videos I’ve seen, but I find myself feeling similarly meh. I opened the app, saw a video of my friend Max giving a TED Talk, chuckled, and then went back to watching YouTube. I haven’t opened it up since.
I think of myself as a cautious A.I. believer—if I were a Christian, I would be the type who goes to church two Sundays a month, knows the hymns, but mostly keeps up his faith as a matter of social norms and the possibility that God actually is angry. I don’t believe artificial general intelligence, A.G.I., will gut the world, but I do think a lot of us will be working in new jobs in the next decade or so. (These changes, I suspect, will mostly be for the worse.) I also have spent a good deal of time working on documentaries, which has driven home for me how much time and money typically goes into producing even a good minute of traditional film. So, what’s changed? Why do these updates feel increasingly like the unremarkable ones that periodically hit my iPhone?
The most powerful trick that A.I. pulls is to put you, or at least your digitized self, into some new dimension. It does this by, for instance, converting your family photos into Studio Ghibli animations, or writing in your voice, and, now, by grafting your face onto your favorite movie scenes. All of this tickles the vanities of the user—even if he’s the President of the United States, apparently—and creates an accessible and ultimately personal connection to the program. You might not be impressed by watching Claude, the large language model created by the A.I. startup Anthropic, write code for six straight hours because, chances are, you can’t follow what it’s doing, nor, unless you’re a coder, do you likely care too much about the possible ramifications. But, when you see yourself riding a dragon as if you’re in a copyright-gray-zoned version of “Game of Thrones,” you will probably take notice.
For the most part, we enjoy A.I. because it lets us gaze into a better mirror, at least for a little while. And by giving well-timed teases of what the A.I. future might look like, the companies behind these programs nudge us to ask if the A.I. version of our lives might not be better than the real ones. It’s worth noting that this is more or less how strip clubs work. The customers are sold a fantasy, and they keep throwing money around because they hold out hope, however dim, that the teases will turn into something else. Under the spell of such intense flattery, we all become easy marks.
The A.I. boom of the past few years has been built in the space between the second thought I had when I first saw Sora 2 videos and the third—between “Ha, that’s cool” and “This is going to be a problem for society.” Many of us have that third thought, but few of us, save for the A.I. doomers proselytizing about the existential threats posed by this technology, have sat with it long. We wonder if these cute, obsequious chatbots will someday try to kill us because that’s what happens in “The Terminator” and “Ex Machina” and “2001: A Space Odyssey.” We don’t actually have a working theory of how Claude or Grok will subjugate the human race, nor, I imagine, do we really believe that will happen.
Why, once our brains are finished being mildly impressed with the latest step in A.I. technology, do we immediately start sketching out doom scenarios? The people making threats often happen to be financially incentivized to make A.I. seem as world changing and dangerous as possible. There are true believers among the doomers, but I suspect that a good portion of people who work at A.I. companies have no strong opinions about the threats of A.G.I. Some of them, given how engineering talent follows capital in Silicon Valley, may have worked previously at a cryptocurrency startup. And if they spent any amount of time in crypto, especially during the early days of apocalyptic Bitcoin philosophizing, they may recognize the similarities in the rhetoric of Bitcoin maximalists—who preached about the inevitability of deflationary currency, the coming upheaval of the world markets, and the need to use this power for good—and the A.I. Cassandras, who say that SkyNet is coming for us all. When the iPhone never changes and Bitcoin just becomes an investment vehicle, the only way left to grab people’s attention is to tell them they might all die.
Learn how to identify the many types of lying and deception, including overt forms like outright fabrications and gaslighting, to subtle forms like white lies and lying by omission.
Lying is not always as clear-cut as telling a blatant falsehood. It can take many different forms, from subtle omissions to outright fabrications, each hurting our ability to understand reality, communicate effectively, and build honest relationships.
Some people try to justify certain forms of lying by claiming they didn’t technically say anything wrong, but knowing they were engaging in deception by not mentioning a key fact or framing an event in a misleading way.
This is why it’s important to recognize the many forms of deception and dishonesty. It allows us to better spot lying in our daily lives at home, work, or in the news, while also making us more honest communicators by avoiding these conveniently deceptive tactics.
Here’s a comprehensive breakdown of the many types of lying so that you can better recognize them in the future. Which do you have a hard time spotting? Which do you sometimes engage in yourself?
1. Falsehood
The most straightforward type of lying is the falsehood, where someone knowingly presents information that is entirely untrue. Falsehoods are blatant lies meant to deceive the listener by fabricating facts, events, or circumstances. “2 + 2 = 5” is a lie, no matter who says it or what day of the week it is. This form of lying is often the easiest to identify, especially when you have clear evidence that disproves it. This is what typically comes to mind when we think of a “lie.”
Example: Claiming you were at work all day when, in reality, you took the day off.
2. Lying by Omission
Lying by omission involves leaving out critical information that changes the nature of the fact. While the information provided may be true, the omission of key details results in a misleading impression. This type of lying is subtle and can be particularly insidious, as it allows the liar to maintain a facade of honesty, they may even claim they just “forgot” that one fact or didn’t think it was important to mention, knowing full well it changes the nature of their story.
Example: Telling a partner, “I went out with some friends last night,” but leaving out that you also met up with an ex during the outing.
3. Out-of-Context Lying
Out-of-context lying happens when someone presents an isolated truthful statement or quote in a way that strips it of its original meaning or intention. By removing context, the speaker can still be “technically” correct while deceiving the listener. This type of lie is frequently used in media, politics, and interpersonal conflicts to distort the truth while avoiding outright falsehoods.
Example: Quoting someone as saying, “I don’t care,” without mentioning that they were referring to a trivial matter rather than something important.
4. Starting the Story in the Middle
This type of lying involves telling a story or recounting an event but beginning at a point that omits important prior details. By starting in the middle, the liar can shift blame, change the narrative, or make themselves appear more favorable. This creates a skewed version of events that misleads the listener into forming a biased conclusion. This form of lying is particularly effective where the full story can’t be known until you get both sides’ perspectives.
Example: Describing an argument with a friend but starting with the moment they shouted at you, without mentioning that you had insulted them first.
5. Dishonest Framing
Dishonest framing involves presenting a story or situation from a deliberately biased or one-sided perspective, often emphasizing certain details or using dramatic language. This tactic is used to guide the audience toward a particular interpretation, typically one that benefits the person doing the framing. In many cases, individuals cast themselves into roles like “victim,” “savior,” or “persecutor” (see the drama triangle framework) to manipulate how others see them.
Example: After being criticized by a coworker for missing a deadline, you recount the incident to others by saying, “I’m being unfairly targeted at work for no reason,” without mentioning that you had repeatedly ignored reminders about the approaching deadline.
6. White Lies
White lies are minor, often well-intentioned, lies told to avoid hurting someone’s feelings or to prevent minor inconveniences. These lies are typically considered harmless, like telling a friend, “I like your band,” even when their music isn’t to your taste. However, while white lies may seem innocuous, they can accumulate over time, leading to bigger issues such as a pattern of dishonesty or a gradual erosion of trust. To avoid white lies, try shifting the focus to something you genuinely appreciate about the person. For example, instead of saying, “I don’t like that outfit,” you might say, “I prefer this outfit of yours.”
Example: Telling a friend you love their new outfit when you think it’s not flattering, just to spare their feelings.
7. Silence
Silence can be a form of lying when someone withholds information or refuses to speak up on important matters, especially when they know that their silence will lead others to a false conclusion. Like lying by omission, silence can be used to manipulate a situation without saying anything outright false.
Example: Knowing that a coworker is being falsely accused of a mistake but choosing not to speak up to correct the record.
8. Exaggeration
Exaggeration involves inflating or overstating the truth to make it seem more significant or severe than it really is. Common forms of exaggerated thinking include overgeneralizing (“this always happens to me!”), catastrophizing (“this is the worst thing ever!”), and jumping-to-conclusions (“I’m always right!”). Exaggeration often serves as a way to evoke sympathy, justify actions, or amplify the importance of a situation to gain attention.
Example: Saying you “had the worst day of your life” because you spilled mustard on your shirt, when in reality, it was a minor inconvenience.
9. Minimization
Minimization is the opposite of exaggeration; it involves downplaying the significance or impact of a fact, making it seem less important or harmful than it actually is. This tactic is often used to avoid responsibility, diffuse conflict, or lessen the perceived severity of an issue. By quickly glossing over key details or understating the consequences, the person minimizes the importance of the situation.
Example: Describing a car accident that resulted in significant damage as “just a little fender bender” to avoid admitting the seriousness of the incident.
10. Ambiguity
Ambiguity involves the use of vague or unclear language to avoid giving a direct answer or fully addressing the truth. This technique often includes sidestepping the main issue, providing incomplete information, or being purposefully elusive. Ambiguity allows the person to create a sense of uncertainty or misinterpretation, which they can later exploit by claiming they weren’t lying but were simply misunderstood.
Example: When asked if you completed a task, you respond with, “I’ve made some progress,” leaving the impression that you’re almost done when, in reality, you’ve barely started.
11. Misleading Statistics
People can lie with statistics too. Misleading statistics occur when data is manipulated or presented in a way that distorts the truth. This can involve cherry-picking data, using biased samples, or presenting figures without the necessary context to understand them accurately. The goal is to deceive the audience into drawing false conclusions based on the manipulated numbers.
Example: Reporting that “90% of users love our product,” without mentioning that only 10 people were surveyed.
12. Fabrication
Fabrication involves creating entirely false information, events, or details that never happened. This is similar to falsehood but often involves more elaborate story-telling and imagination. Fabrication is common among individuals who seek to impress, manipulate, or deceive others for personal gain or attention, including pathological liars who get a thrill by making up bigger and bigger lies.
Example: Inventing a fictional story about heroically stopping a robbery to impress someone on a first date.
13. Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a manipulative tactic where the liar attempts to make the victim doubt their own perceptions, memory, or sanity. This is done by consistently denying reality (“You’re just imagining things”), distorting the truth (“It didn’t happen that way”), and making the victim question their own experiences (“You’re insane” or “You’re the real liar”). Gaslighting is often part of a broader pattern of abuse and manipulation, and it can involve complex webs of lies designed to control and disorient the victim.
Example: Telling someone they’re “overreacting” or “remembering things wrong” when they confront you about an event that just happened.
Conclusion
As you can see, lying and dishonesty can take many different forms. By recognizing these various types of lying and the subtle ways in which the truth can be manipulated and distorted, we can better identify these tactics in our daily interactions — both as a speaker and a listener.
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The answer is probably no since only .5%- 5% of the population is actually diagnosed with Narcissist Personality Disorder, but many people do exhibit narcissist-like behavior. This behavior can be […]
Narcissistic ghosting is not a term or form of abuse we hear about often. Narcissism means someone who loves themselves a bit too much. Imagine someone always wanting attention and not caring about your feelings — That’s a narcissist. Ghosting is when someone suddenly stops talking to you or disappears without any warning.
Dealing with a narcissist is exhausting anyway. And when you witness a slow fading of their intimacy or when they suddenly vanish, it makes things even trickier. Spotting signs of narcissistic ghosting then becomes crucial for the partner at the receiving end of it. To know more about the narcissist ghosting pattern and how you can deal with it, we spoke to psychologist Anita Eliza, (M.Sc. in Applied Psychology), who specializes in issues like anxiety, depression, relationships, and self-esteem.
What Is Narcissistic Ghosting?
Before we talk about narcissist intimidation tactics and the reasons behind a narcissist ghosting you, let’s understand what the term means. Anita says, “Narcissism is a personality trait in which a person lacks empathy, shows a constant need for admiration, and considers themselves more important than others. Ghosting is when someone abruptly stops communicating with another person without any explanation. When we combine these two traits, narcissistic ghosting occurs, which means a person with narcissistic tendencies ends a relationship without any regard for how their partner feels.”
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That’s exactly what many narcissists do.” Narcissistic individuals may use ghosting as a manipulation tactic to control the emotional state of their partner. They might see it as a means to maintain control over the relationship and avoid difficult conversations or responsibility for their actions. This behavior can be particularly damaging to the emotional well-being of the person who is ghosted, as they are left to deal with confusion, unanswered questions, and unresolved emotions.
Why is a narcissist ghosting you? What is the cause of this continuous cycle of abandonment? Narcissistic people have an inflated sense of self-importance and a need for control. And when they abruptly cut off all communication, it’s like you’re suddenly deleted from their world. Why do they do it? According to Anita, there could be several reasons:
1. Lack of empathy can make a narcissist ghost you
Anita says, “Narcissists may find it challenging to understand how ghosting can emotionally affect someone else. Their difficulty with empathy means they prioritize their wants and needs over the feelings of others.”
Empathy involves recognizing and caring about how someone else might feel, but a narcissist, driven by self-centeredness, doesn’t easily connect with the emotions of others. Lack of empathy in a narcissist means:
An inability to understand their partner and their rights within the relationship
Inability to consider the impact of the unanswered questions, confusion, and hurt
Finding it easy to abruptly end it all with no regard for the emotional impact and well-being of their partner
2. They might have a fear of confrontation
Narcissists often struggle with taking responsibility for their actions. Anita says, “Narcissists may choose to disappear or ghost you rather than deal with confrontation or difficult conversations when ending a relationship or explaining their actions.” Confrontation requires empathy and accountability — traits typically lacking in a narcissistic person.
A Quora user says, “Narcissists avoid facing problems. If they know you want changes in the relationship, they’ll run away instead of dealing with it. They can’t handle the effort needed for a healthy relationship.”
3. Their need for control rules all their actions
They engage in a covert narcissist ghosting style, which allows them to assert dominance over their partner. Anita says, “Narcissists desire control in relationships. Ghosting empowers them to assert dominance and end things without considering the other’s feelings.” This kind of covert narcissist ghosting allows them to:
Exit the relationship on their terms
Engage in love bombing followed by a slow fading of commitment
Get away without having to engage in difficult conversations
Not face any accountability for their actions
Manipulate emotions
She further explains, “A narcissist often tries to avoid taking responsibility by shifting the blame onto other people. They do this by ghosting, leaving the other person feeling unsure about their role in the breakdown of the relationship.”
4. A narcissist ghosts you to seek attention and validation, either from you or someone else
Anita explains, “Narcissistic individuals enjoy attention, admiration, and validation. If you’re thinking of ghosting or establishing a no-contact rule with narcissists in return (after they re-establish contact), you can imagine it would not go over well with them.”
Why do narcissists ghost their partners then? Anita tells us, “A slow fading of affection, ghosting, or cutting off all communication with someone without reason can be used as manipulative tactics to make the other person:
Chase them
Seek closure
Try to win back their favor
This can provide the narcissist with a sense of power and control over the situation.”
If a narcissist’s ego gets bruised and they find someone who gives them more attention or validates their feelings, they might ghost their partner without hesitation. Their self-importance makes them believe they deserve better and can easily discard anyone who doesn’t meet their expectations.
This Quora user explains, “Narcissists have an insatiable need for validation and control. They thrive on admiration and attention, using others as tools to boost their fragile self-esteem. However, once they sense a threat to their ego or if they’ve exhausted their use for you, they’re quick to move on.”
Narcissists can pop up again in your life, trying to make contact after silent treatment
5. Boredom can lead to slow fading of their interest in you
For some narcissists, a relationship is like a game, and it needs to be ‘exciting.’ They may become easily bored when relationships lose their novelty. If they find a relationship unexciting or discover a new source of narcissistic supply that seems more appealing, they might conveniently ghost their current partner without warning and seek that new thrill. Remember to not let such ghosting narcissists define or reflect your worth.
While these factors may contribute to narcissistic ghosting, each individual is unique and the motivations for their behavior may be a combination of these and other factors. Additionally, not everyone who engages in ghosting behavior is necessarily a narcissist.
Anita says, “Although narcissistic ghosting isn’t a formally recognized term in psychology, certain sets of behavior in individuals may suggest these tendencies.” Identifying narcissistic ghosting can be challenging in real life, but here are three major signs to look out for:
1. Sudden, unexplained appearance/disappearance
Narcissistic ghosting is like a sudden vanishing act in a relationship. Imagine having a regular chat, and then poof! No messages, no goodbyes — just silence. One moment everything seems normal, and the next, it’s radio silence. What’s tricky is that a narcissist might not stay gone for good. They can pop up again in your life, trying to make contact after silent treatment by liking your posts or sending a casual text.
But don’t be fooled — It’s not about fixing things; it’s about control. They might be playing with your emotions or just reminding you that they’re around.
2. Lack of empathy and understanding
Imagine you’re pouring your heart out to someone, but they just walk away without a word, cold as ice. This is a major sign of narcissistic ghosting. This silence doesn’t make sense and leaves you reeling with sadness. It’s like being lost in a dark forest with no map, and it hurts. The worst part? The narcissist ghosting their partner doesn’t seem to understand how being ghosted after an argument (or for no reason at all) feels. Empathy is a foreign emotion to them.
Anita explains, “Ghosting narcissists have difficulty understanding their partner’s emotions. They prioritize their own needs over others. The withdrawal can feel abrupt because they may not feel the need to offer any explanation or closure. This total lack of communication shows that the narcissist doesn’t care about the emotional impact their actions have on the other person. They may not feel remorseful or even acknowledge the consequences of their actions.”
3. A series of tricky behavior
Can a narcissist ghost you again after re-establishing contact? Anita explains, “By now, we know that ghosting is a tactic that narcissists use to maintain control and manipulate emotions. They might disappear to create a sense of mystery or get the other person to chase them. Their underlying motive is often a desire for attention. If they make contact after silent treatment, be wary. This narcissist ghosting pattern can recur.”
Narcissistic ghosting is like a puzzle piece in a bigger picture of tricky behavior by the narcissist. It is another way to stay in charge and avoid taking responsibility for their actions. Watch out for sudden changes in their behavior before they ghost you. If they seem:
… these could be signs they’re about to vanish from your life. It’s their way of setting the stage for their grand exit, leaving you behind with nothing but questions, doubt, confusion, and sadness. This discard phase can impact your mental health and personal growth, preventing you from moving forward.
People ghost for different reasons, but if you notice these warning signs, it’s likely a case of narcissistic ghosting. If you’re dealing with a similar situation, read on to know how such covert narcissist ghosting impacts those at the receiving end of it and what you can do to heal from this cycle of abandonment.
Anita explains, “Experiencing narcissistic ghosting can have a profound impact on the victim’s emotional well-being and mental health. It leaves the person feeling confused, sad, and angry, affecting their self-esteem and trust.” Here are a few ways it can affect the person at the receiving end of it:
Narcissistic ghosting can cause serious mental health issues in the victim
1. Doubt and self-blame
“The lack of closure leads to confusion and self-blame, often causing mental health issues like depression and anxiety,” Anita explains. A ‘narcissist ghosting after discard’ pattern may make the victim internalize the experience and blame themselves for the relationship’s demise. The absence of a clear explanation may lead the victim to question their worth, behavior, and actions, fostering self-doubt and a persistent feeling of not being good enough.
Sharing a client story, Anita says, “Sara (name changed), a 34-year-old marketing professional came to me for therapy after experiencing narcissistic ghosting from her partner following a seemingly committed year-long relationship. During therapy, Sara revealed a profound emotional toll marked by confusion, betrayal, and distress. She was grappling with feelings of rejection and self-doubt.”
2. Loss of trust
The betrayal inherent in narcissistic ghosting can result in a significant loss of trust. The traumatic experience can make it difficult for the victim to trust others, leading to isolation and social withdrawal. Anita says, “Forming new relationships becomes challenging due to the fear of abandonment, rejection, and betrayal, which can further lead to an identity crisis where the victim questions their self-worth and authenticity of future relationships.”
3. Self-esteem issues
The ‘narcissist ghosting after discard’ pattern or being ghosted after an argument without any explanation may contribute to feelings of unworthiness. The victim may internalize the narcissist’s lack of empathy and the implied criticism through ghosting, further damaging their self-esteem. They might start questioning their own value and find it difficult to engage in social interactions confidently.
Anita explains, “Without proper healing, people may find themselves stuck in toxic relationships. Seeking therapy is crucial for processing emotions and gaining valuable insights for healing and personal growth.” The impact of narcissistic ghosting varies depending on the victim’s resilience, support system, and past experiences. It’s crucial to acknowledge the potential harm and seek support if needed.
While the sting of narcissistic ghosting can be intense, you don’t have to let it define or control you. It is important to prioritize your well-being and emotional health. Here are nine ways to navigate similar situations while taking care of your needs and emotional boundaries:
1. Accept your feelings
It’s normal to feel hurt, confused, angry, or even relieved after being ghosted. Allow yourself to acknowledge and process these emotions without judgment. Accept, feel, and validate all of it. Anita gives you three things to remember:
Give yourself time to feel the full impact
Ghosting isn’t about your worth
Take your time before deciding what to do
2. Snap all contact
Gale, a 32-year-old video editor from Atlanta, shares with us, “I’ve been trying to give my ex a taste of their own medicine. I firmly believe that we should all make collective plans of ghosting narcissists, just the way they ghosted all of us.” Go for it, Gale. Create your army.
After all, chasing a narcissist will only give them more power and fuel their manipulation tactics. Establish a no-contact rule. Avoid calling, sending messages, or emails. Stay away from mutual friends. Seeing the narcissist’s online presence can trigger negative emotions and hinder your healing process. Take a break from social media or block them for your own sanity. And if you do end up calling them, you can still make amends — Join Gale in her mission to “ghost back your narcissist.”
3. Change the narrative
Ghosting reflects the narcissist’s issues, not yours. Shift the focus back to yourself. Remind yourself of your worth, independence, and ability to build healthy relationships. Remind yourself that ghosting is a reflection of the narcissist’s behavior and not of your worth. Resist the urge to blame yourself or internalize their words and actions.
Self-care is crucial for rebuilding your emotional resilience after dealing with a narcissist ghost — Pun intended. Prioritize self-care activities that bring you comfort and joy, that nourish your mind, body, and spirit. Here are the basics:
Exercise regularly
Eat healthy food
Sleep well
Try journaling
Keep in touch with trusted friends
Anita says, “Focus on the activities and hobbies that bring you joy and relaxation. Taking care of yourself is crucial during tough times.” Responding to narcissistic ghosting can be challenging, but it’s important to prioritize your well-being and take steps to regain control of your emotional health.
5. Seek support from friends, family, or a professional
On how to respond to narcissist ghosting, Anita advises, “Seeking support can help. Talk to a friend, family members, or a therapist who can offer support and provide strategies to cope. Sharing your feelings with someone you trust can help you understand things better and encourage you to move forward.”
Share your experience with people who can provide empathy, understanding, and encouragement during this difficult time. If the emotional impact of narcissistic ghosting is significant, consider seeking professional help. You can choose a therapist from Bonobology’s panel of experts; they would provide valuable insights to help you process your emotions as you heal.
6. Introspect on all aspects of your personal growth
Use your experience of this unhealthy relationship as an opportunity to learn and grow. Reflect on your boundaries, communication styles, and what you want in future relationships. Consider self-development resources like books, workshops, or therapy to invest in your well-being. Spend time with loved ones. Engage in activities that promote your physical, emotional, and mental well-being.
7. Don’t seek revenge or closure
Anita explains, “Don’t chase closure. It might not work in this case. Avoid aggravating your frustration by holding on to the idea of closure. Resist the urge to retaliate or shame the person publicly. Keeping your self-respect helps you move forward gracefully.”
Engaging in any form of retaliation might feel tempting, but it will only hurt you more. Instead, learn to move on without closure or seek it within yourself. Understand that it may not come from the narcissist. Reflect on the relationship, accept its end, and work toward letting go of the need for their validation.
Accept that this experience is painful but temporary. Practice mindfulness techniques, like meditation or deep breathing, to manage intrusive thoughts and emotional reactions. Time and self-compassion are powerful healers. Reading about narcissistic abuse and ghosting can provide valuable insights and guidance too.
Anita says, “Learn from the experience so that you can make healthier choices in the future. Use it to spot any warning signs you might have missed in the relationship.”
9. How to respond to narcissist ghosting: Set boundaries
Establish and enforce clear boundaries with the narcissist. If they attempt to make contact after silent treatment, decide the level of interaction you are comfortable with, if any. Anita explains, “Be clear about your expectations. Let them know how their actions affected you. Be firm about what you will accept in the future.”
If you don’t want to speak to them anymore, tell them about it in a firm and assertive way. Let them know of the consequences if they do not respect you or your boundaries.
Key Pointers
Narcissistic ghosting occurs when a narcissist ends a relationship without any warning or explanation
Lack of empathy, need for control, boredom, a constant need for validation, and fear of confrontation are a few reasons behind a narcissist ghosting their partner
A narcissist ghosting pattern includes lack of understanding, manipulative behavior, and sudden appearance or disappearance in a relationship
Victims of narcissistic ghosting start doubting themselves, engage in self-blame, lose trust in relationships, and deal with low self-esteem
To cope, establish clear boundaries, focus on self-care and personal growth, and seek support from loved ones or get professional help
With time, support, and self-compassion, you can heal from the hurt and move forward in life. Learn about narcissist intimidation tactics to gain valuable insights into the dynamics of such relationships. Ghosting is a reflection of the narcissist’s need for control and the inability to deal with things in a healthy way. It’s not your fault, so don’t blame yourself. Instead, surround yourself with supportive people and work toward healing yourself.
In a world obsessed with public image and attention-seeking, learn about the cultural forces propelling society to become more narcissistic – and how this influences us to be in a constant state of self-scrutiny.
The idea that our culture is becoming more narcissistic and self-centered is not new.
Historian and social critic Christopher Lasch’s book The Culture of Narcissism was first published in 1979. By that time, the 1970s were already dubbed the “Me-generation.” Americans were increasingly shifting focus to concepts like “self-liberation,” “self-expression,” and “self-actualization,” while untethering themselves from past traditions and social responsibilities.
Interestingly, Lasch traces the narcissistic roots in America back way further, starting with the early days of the Protestant work ethic and its singular focus on labor, money, and wealth-building, including the old “pull yourself up by your bootstraps” mantra.
This early thread of American hyper-individualism continues into the New Age movement at the turn of the 20th century with its focus on personal happiness and spiritual fulfillment, as well as the popularity of Ayn Rand’s “virtue of selfishness,” and the rise of celebrity-worship and fame-seeking that still characterizes much of American life today whether it be in politics, sports, art, or entertainment.
Things appear to be getting worse. The book was written over 40 years ago, but a lot of the observations in it seem strangely prophetic when looking at the world today. Lasch accurately describes how narcissistic trends have evolved on a societal and cultural level, and you can perfectly extend his theories to explain our modern culture.
Before you continue reading, remember this is a cultural analysis of narcissistic tendencies and it isn’t focused on clinical or psychological definitions of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).
Many people act more narcissistic because that’s what our society rewards and that’s how people think they need to act to get ahead in today’s world.
One can even look at certain narcissistic tendencies as a survival strategy in an otherwise competitive, atomized, isolated – “every man for himself” – world.
Now let’s dive into how our modern culture amplifies and rewards narcissism.
The narcissist craves an audience
First, the most defining characteristic of a narcissist is that they depend on the attention and validation of others to feel good about themselves.
Contrary to the popular myth that the narcissist suffers from excessive self-love, the truth is they are deeply insecure and lack true confidence and self-esteem. The main reason they brag, show off, or puff-up-their-chests is only to appear strong when deep down they feel weak.
As a result the narcissist is obsessed with their image and appearance. They feel they need to “win people over” to be accepted and liked by others, and this requires a carefully manufactured persona they create for the public.
This deeply rooted “need for attention” plays a central theme in Lasch’s analysis:
“Narcissism represents a psychological dimension of dependence. Notwithstanding his occasional illusions of omnipotence, the narcissist depends on others to validate his self-esteem. He cannot live without an admiring audience. His apparent freedom from family ties and institutional constraints does not free him to stand alone or to glory in his individuality. On the contrary, it contributes to his insecurity, which he can overcome only by seeing his ‘grandiose self’ reflected in the attention of others, or by attaching himself to those who radiate celebrity, power, and charisma.”
Without an audience to appreciate them, the narcissist struggles to find their self-worth. They don’t believe in themselves – they need “proof” they are a good or important person through the eyes of others.
To the narcissist, any attention is better than none at all; even negative attention like gossip, drama, and criticism feeds into their egos by letting them know they are still front and center.
In a society that rewards attention for the sake of attention (including fame and notoriety), the narcissist grows and thrives. Who knows, that next scandal with a famous celebrity may be their big breakthrough – whatever gets them into the limelight!
Image-centrism: The society of the spectacle
One major contributor to the rise of narcissistic tendencies is that our culture is becoming more image-centric.
Popular ideas on what true “happiness,” “success,” “fame,” “beauty,” and “achievement” look like are based on outward images and appearances increasingly fed into our culture through photographs, movies, television, and advertising:
“[One] influence is the mechanical reproduction of culture, the proliferation of visual and audial images in the ‘society of the spectacle.’ We live in a swirl of images and echoes that arrest experience and play it back in slow motion. Cameras and recording machines not only transcribe experience but alter its quality, giving to much of modern life the character of an enormous echo chamber, a hall of mirrors. Life presents itself as a succession of images or electronic signals, of impressions recorded and reproduced by means of photography, motion pictures, television, and sophisticated recording devices.”
This book was written before the internet and social media which have only increased our “image-centrism” tenfold. Selfies, avatars, memes, filters, photoshop, and AI have all continued to add more layers to this hyper-reality between manipulated images and how we choose to present ourselves.
This constant barrage of cultural images shapes our beliefs and map of reality. It subconsciously puts ideas in our heads about what “happiness,” “success,” and “beauty” are supposed to look like.
Once these social images are set in our minds, we naturally feel the desire to live up to them.
Narcissists can often be the most sensitive to these social images because they fear their true self isn’t good enough, so they take society’s picture of “success” and try to mirror that image back to others.
On the surface, the narcissist is a crowd-pleaser. They don’t trust their own judgement, so if society says this is what “happiness” or “success” looks like, then they will try to mimic it the best they can.
Everyone has an audience now
Technology, internet, social media, cameras, and recording devices have created a world where everyone feels like they have an audience all-the-time.
Family photo albums and home videos were early stages in turning “private moments” into “public consumption,” but now we have people over-sharing every meal, date, and shopping spree on their social media feeds.
Lasch correctly identifies this trend back in the 1960s-70s, including a mention of the popular show Candid Camera, which was one of the first “hidden camera” TV shows:
“Modern life is so thoroughly mediated by electronic images that we cannot help responding to others as if their actions – and our own – were being recorded and simultaneously transmitted to an unseen audience or stored up for close scrutiny at some later time. ‘Smile you’re on candid camera!’ The intrusion into everyday life of this all-seeing eye no longer takes us by surprise or catches us with our defenses down. We need no reminder to smile, a smile is permanently graven on our features, and we already know from which of several angles it photographs to best advantage.”
Life is recorded and shared now more than ever before. Today everyone has an audience and many people can’t help but see themselves as the “main character” of their own carefully edited movie.
Unfortunately, we have this audience whether we like it or not. Every time we are out in public, someone may whip out their phones, capture an embarrassing moment, and upload it to the internet for millions to watch. You never know when you may go “viral” for the wrong reasons. The rise of online shaming, doxing, and harassment puts people in a perpetual state of high alert.
That’s a stressful thought, but it perfectly represents this state of hyper-surveillance we are all in, where there’s always a potential audience and you feel constant pressure to showcase the “best version of yourself” in every waking moment, because you never know who is watching.
Self-image and excessive self-monitoring
In a world that rewards people solely based on the “image” they present, we naturally become more self-conscious of the image we are projecting to others.
This leads to a state of endless self-monitoring and self-surveillance. We see ourselves through the eyes of others and try to fit their image of what we are supposed to be. No matter what we choose to do with our lives, the most pressing questions become, “How will this make me look?” or “What will people think of me?”
While people naturally want to present themselves in the best way possible and form strong first impressions, an excessive degree of self-filtering and self-management can cause us to lose our sense of identity for the sake of superficial acceptance, internet fame, or corporate climbing.
At worst, we increasingly depend on this these manufactured images to understand ourselves and reality:
“The proliferation of recorded images undermines our sense of reality. As Susan Sontag observes in her study of photography, ‘Reality has come to seem more and more like what we are shown by cameras.’ We distrust our perceptions until the camera verifies them. Photographic images provide us with the proof of our existence, without which we would find it difficult even to reconstruct a personal history…
Among the ‘many narcissistic uses’ that Sontag attributes to the camera, ‘’self-surveillance’ ranks among the most important, not only because it provides the technical means of ceaseless self-scrutiny but because it renders the sense of selfhood dependent on the consumption of images of the self, at the same time calling into question the reality of the external world.”
If you didn’t share your meal on social media, did you really eat it? If you didn’t update your relationship status online, are you really dating someone?
For many people, the internet world has become “more real” than the real world. People don’t go out and do adventurous things to live their lives, but to “create content” for their following.
Who looks like their living their best life? Who is experiencing the most FOMO on the internet? In a narcissistic world, we start seeing our “digital self” in competition with everyone else – and the only thing that matters is that it looks like we are having a good time.
More and more, we consume and understand ourselves through these technologies and images. We depend on photo galleries, reel clips, and social media posts to chronicle our life story and present the best version of ourselves to the world. If the internet didn’t exist, then neither would we.
In the sci-fi movie The Final Cut people have their entire lives recorded through their eyes; then after they die, their happy memories are spliced together to give a “final edit” of the person’s life. Many of us are perpetually scrutinizing and editing this “final cut” of our own lives.
The invention of new insecurities
Everything is being observed, recorded, and measured, so we have more tools than ever to compare ourselves against others.
This leads to the invention of all types of new insecurities. We are more aware of the ways we’re different from others, whether it’s our jobs, homes, relationships, health, appearances, or lifestyles. We can always find new ways we don’t “measure up” to the ideal.
New technologies create new ways to compare. Before you know it, you have people in heated competitions over who can do the most steps on their Fitbit, or consume the least amount of calories in a week, or receives the most likes on their gym posts. The internet becomes a never-ending competition.
Of course, measuring your progress can be a valuable tool for motivation and reaching goals. The problem is when we use these numbers to measure up against others vs. measure up against our past self. Always remember that everyone is on a completely different path.
It’s well-known that social comparison is one of the ultimate traps when it comes to happiness and well-being. You’ll always be able to find someone who has it better than you in some area of life, and with the internet that’s usually an easy search.
These endless comparisons touch on all aspects of life and heighten self-scrutiny and self-criticism. Finding and dwelling on even “minor differences” can spiral into a cycle of self-pity and self-hate. If we don’t remove ourselves from these comparisons, then we have no choice but to try to live up to them and beat ourselves up when we fail.
Conclusion
The goal of this article was to describe some of the key forces that are making society more narcissistic and self-centered.
Different cultural beliefs and attitudes incentive certain personality traits over others. Our current world seems to continue moving down a more narcissistic path, especially with the increased focus on “image” (or “personal brand”) that we build for ourselves through the internet and social media.
Most of the ideas in this article are based on the book The Culture of Narcissism which, despite being written over 40 years, is an insightful look into how these social forces continue to grow and evolve.
Do you feel like our current society is getting more narcissistic? How have these social forces influenced the way you live?
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Breaking up with a narcissistic partner can be an emotionally taxing experience, as I discovered firsthand in the aftermath of ending my relationship with a narcissistic ex-girlfriend. Narcissists tend to have a set of dark personality traits that can be both bewildering and hurtful for their former partners. So it’s intriguing to delve into the psychology of how narcissists treat their exes, as these individuals often leave a lasting impact on those who have dared to sever ties with them.
One striking characteristic is the narcissist’s penchant for manipulation and emotional gamesmanship. In the wake of our breakup, my ex-girlfriend employed a range of tactics aimed at maintaining control and ensuring that the narrative of our relationship suited her agenda. From gaslighting to guilt-tripping, she expertly wielded these tools to cast doubt on my decision and undermine my sense of self-worth. Understanding these behaviors can be crucial for those trying to part ways with a narcissistic ex-partner.
Do Narcissists Suffer After A Breakup?
In the aftermath of a breakup with a narcissist, their characteristic narcissistic traits and coping mechanisms come to the forefront. As someone who has navigated the stormy seas of parting ways with a narcissistic ex, I can talk at length about their post-breakup experience. While it might be tempting to believe that narcissists emerge unscathed from the demise of a relationship, a closer look reveals a different narrative. Let’s explore how narcissists suffer after a breakup, examining their unique brand of emotional turmoil.
Ego bruised, not heartbroken: For narcissists, the primary source of suffering lies in the dent to their grandiose self-image, rather than the severing of a deep emotional connection
Control stripped away: The breakup disrupts the narcissist’s sense of control, prompting desperate attempts to regain dominance and salvage their inflated and false self-worth
Concealed pain behind arrogance: Outwardly, narcissists may project an air of indifference or arrogance, but beneath the surface, feelings of rejection and abandonment fester. This is what makes it seem like narcissists hate their exes
Rapid rebound relationships: Often, narcissists seek quick rebounds to reaffirm their desirability and cover up their internal turmoil with external validations
Regarding the narcissist’s concealment of pain behind an air of arrogance, one study found that narcissists can even go as far as attempting suicide while continuing to adamantly deny their suffering: “Psychiatric inpatient admission of three non-depressed young men who escaped deadly self-injury provided an opportunity to study their character organization. Defects in affect-regulatory functions and evidence of pathological narcissism were identified and explored … Each denied intent to kill himself, and none acknowledged experience of depression or the wish to die. Each also denied his suicidal behavior involved significant risks, and each discounted the importance of obvious, identifiable stressors as triggers for it.”
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As we delve into the intricacies of narcissistic tendencies and post-breakup suffering, the question naturally arises: Do narcissists miss their exes, or is their emotional landscape devoid of such sentiments? How to know if a narcissist is finished with you can be a mystery, so let’s unravel this aspect of a narcissist’s behavior.
Do Narcissists Miss Their Exes?
Do narcissistic individuals truly experience the pangs of missing their former partners? And how do narcissists feel when you move on? As we expand upon these inquiries, it’s essential to unravel the complex layers of narcissistic psychology to see how it shapes their post-breakup dynamics such as dumpers remorse. Do narcissists only connect with certain exes? Do narcissists, driven by a profound need for admiration and control, genuinely miss the person they once shared a relationship with?
Here are some things they actually long for when they say they miss their ex:
Ease of control: Narcissists tend to form relationships based on whom they can overpower, which can influence the intensity of their feelings post-breakup. So if a narcissist wants to be friends after breakup, be wary because it may be a control tactic
Ego boost: What narcissists may miss more than the person is the ego boost derived from the relationship. The absence of constant admiration can leave them yearning for what they once enjoyed. So a narcissist wants you back only for this missing validation
Idealized version of the relationship: Idealization vs. reality are a constant battle with narcissists as they often idealize their partners during the relationship, creating an image that may not align with reality. Missing their ex may be more about missing the idealized version than the actual person, particularly in a narcissistic relationship with an empath
Revisiting their past glory: Nostalgia for the times when the relationship served as a source of narcissistic supply can lead to a distorted sense of missing their ex-partner. Also, denying them their narcissistic supply is what makes them belligerent and why it may seem like narcissists hate their exes
On dealing with a narcissist obsessed with his ex, a Reddit user makes some observations on men. They explain that once you leave a narcissist, he will show his true colors in this fashion: “He doesn’t miss ‘you.’ He misses what ‘you’ provided. Replace ‘you’ with her/him and that’s how the narcissist sees it. A means to an end. People before you, people after you. It doesn’t matter since they are selfish and just take and take until you’re depleted.”
Let’s now explore whether narcissists experience a genuine feeling of missing their exes. In the following section, we will scrutinize whether narcissists truly want to go back to their former partners or if their motivations lie elsewhere.
Do Narcissists Want To Go Back To Their Ex?
Entering the realm of what a narcissist does at the end of a relationship brings us to the intriguing question: Do narcissists harbor a genuine desire to rekindle a relationship with their ex-partners? Do narcissists only connect with certain exes — the ones they know they can control? Understanding the motivations behind a narcissist’s actions is key to navigating their post-breakup interactions.
As we explore whether narcissists want to go back to their exes, it becomes apparent that their motivations are often intricately tied to their need for control, validation, and the preservation of their grandiose, albeit false self-image. Here are some reasons for getting back with their former partners:
Ego restoration: Narcissists may entertain the idea of reconciliation as a means to restore their wounded ego and regain a sense of control over the narrative of the relationship
Seeking narcissistic supply: The desire to reconnect often stems from a need for a fresh supply of admiration and validation, which the ex-partner previously provided. If a narcissist wants to be friends after breakup, it usually means they’re after this supply
Manipulative intentions: Narcissists may express a desire to reunite, not out of genuine love, but as a strategic move of romantic manipulation over their ex-partner
Cycle of idealization and devaluation: The cyclical nature of narcissistic relationships may lead to a desire to go back, driven by the idealization phase. This phase is followed by devaluation. All of this creates a temporary illusion of improvement
One Reddit user talks of his narcissistic ex-girlfriend seeking this narcissistic supply from him: “Mine told me she misses the ‘old Tim.’ I responded the ‘old Tim’ that you kicked out and abandoned all those times? The ‘old Tim’ that you’d go weeks and months ignoring not caring if he was dead or alive? They don’t hold anything sacred, let alone another person, beyond themselves.”
A narcissist obsessed with his ex will continue to subject her to his manipulative tactics
When narcissists revisit past relationships, it’s vital to understand how they treat their exes in these scenarios and, more importantly, how one can navigate such interactions. In the next section, we’ll explore how narcissists treat their exes and offer insights on how to effectively respond to these challenging situations.
How Narcissists Treat Their Exes And How To Respond
Even if the relationship ends, the narcissistic abuse will likely continue. The aftermath of a breakup with a narcissist often unveils a complex dance of manipulative behaviors and emotional turbulence. “How do narcissists feel when you move on?” I asked a friend, who has been on the receiving end of the harm caused by his self-consumed ex-partner.
He shared, “From my experience, once you leave a narcissist, he will go to great lengths to protect or feed his ego. A narcissist obsessed with his ex is a common sight for some. But to face it personally was extremely disturbing. I couldn’t have kept sane without the support of those who believed my side of the story.”
Understanding how narcissists treat their exes is pivotal for those navigating the challenging terrain of post-relationship interactions. So let’s talk about the common patterns of narcissistic abuse exhibited by them once you break up. We also offer effective strategies for responding to these often tumultuous encounters.
1. They will gaslight you
People with Narcissistic Personality Disorder lack empathy, which enables them to employ narcissistic gaslighting tactics to erode your confidence and sense of reality. They sow seeds of doubt through:
Persistent denial
Trivializing your experiences
Even rewriting of events
This emotional manipulation leaves the ex-partner questioning their own sanity and memories. It creates a toxic environment where the narcissist’s version of events takes precedence, infecting your mind with confusion and self-doubt.
How to respond: Documenting interactions can help. Keep records of conversations and incidents to protect yourself from gaslighting and false accusations. Doing this will probably not get a narcissist to admit to their wrongdoing but it will protect you from feeling like you’re imagining things.
Triangulation is a calculated narcissistic strategy aimed at maintaining emotional control. By introducing a third party — whether real or perceived — into the narrative, the narcissist triggers feelings of jealousy, competition, and insecurity in their ex-partner. Plus, if she or he cheated now and wants to be friends, there’s a good chance they’re attempting to employ this tactic on you. Whether flaunting a new relationship or strategically orchestrating interactions, this control tactic serves to manipulate emotions, exert influence, and keep the ex-partner entangled in the web of the narcissist’s machinations.
How to respond: Be aware of the narcissist’s intent in trying to make you jealous. Recognizing triangulation is the first step in mitigating its impact. Refrain from engaging in confrontations with the third party or expressing overt jealousy, as this fuels the narcissist’s manipulation.
It’s done to assert dominance and instigate anxiety in their ex-partners
By abruptly withdrawing communication, the narcissist leaves the ex-partner in a state of uncertainty and desperation for resolution
This calculated tactic is designed to maintain control, as the silent treatment communicates that the narcissist holds the power to grant or withhold emotional connection. Narcissists love holding power over a person, no matter what kind of power it is
How to respond: Stay calm and collected. Don’t allow the narcissist’s behavior to trigger frustration or desperation, at least not in front of them. Refrain from begging or pleading for attention. Giving in to emotional pleas will definitely reinforce the narcissist’s belief that silent treatment is an effective tool for manipulation.
4. Your narcissistic ex will resort to hoovering
Post-breakup, narcissists often engage in hoovering, a manipulative cycle of the idealization stage followed by devaluation aimed at luring their ex-partner back into the relationship. It’s a three-stage cycle through which the narcissist seeks to re-establish control over their ex-partner’s emotions and undermine their self-confidence, creating a cycle that perpetuates emotional turmoil and dependency.
And intermittent attention in the form of excessive praise
How to respond: Be aware of covert narcissistic hoovering and recognize it as a manipulation strategy employed by the narcissist to regain control and attention. Ask yourself: Are the narcissist’s promises of change or displays of affection temporary? If yes, they are intended to manipulate emotions.
5. They will shift the blame onto you
A cornerstone of narcissistic behavior involves deflecting responsibility for the relationship’s demise onto their ex-partner. By casting themselves as blameless victims, narcissists skillfully manipulate the narrative, leaving their ex-partners burdened with unfounded guilt and shame. If you’re faced with a ‘she or he cheated now wants to be friends’ situation, they will very likely attempt to shift blame on you.
Be wary. This blame-shifting tactic serves to absolve the narcissist of accountability while reinforcing their sense of superiority, and also to create a sense of self-doubt in their victim.
How to respond: Resist internalizing the false guilt imposed by their blame-shifting. Remind yourself of your own intentions and actions (list them out if it helps), and don’t let the narcissist’s attempts to shift blame affect your self-worth. Resist the urge to become overly defensive or to react emotionally in front of your ex. Instead, calmly address inaccuracies and then redirect the conversation toward finding solutions or resolutions.
To safeguard their own image, narcissists may initiate smear campaigns against their ex-partners. Through a calculated dissemination of false information, distortions, and character assassinations, they attempt to tarnish your reputation. Narcissists treat their exes this way not only to isolate them socially but also to reinforce their control over the narrative surrounding the breakup. This can cause severe trust issues and low self-esteem in the victim, potentially damaging future relationships.
How to respond: If your ex is doing this to you, seek support. Reach out to friends, family members, or a therapist for a supportive network during this challenging time. Get a restraining order if you fear for your safety. And always remember to prioritize self-care in the middle of all this.
7. A narcissist wants you back if they resort to love bombing
Love bombing is a deceptive technique wherein the narcissist inundates their ex-partner with overwhelming displays of affection and attention. This reinforcement of love and admiration creates a sense of dependency and excitement, effectively luring the ex-partner back into the narcissist’s orbit. This strategy of narcissistic behaviors is characterized by an exaggerated intensity of emotions and grandiose displays of love and sexual advances, only to be followed by subsequent manipulation and emotional withdrawal. The bitter truth is that narcissists care only about themselves.
Also, take note of future faking. A Reddit user recounts her experience of dealing with a narcissistic ex: “It was definitely future faking. The narc will find someone else within a week and start telling her that she is the future wife and beyond perfect. That promise means nothing to them because they will drag it and drop it onto the next person in line.” If this is relatable, then rather than genuinely missing you, please know that your ex is attempting to manipulate you.
How to respond: Clearly define and enforce healthy boundaries to protect your emotional well-being. Firm boundaries will come about as a result of self-awareness, and will stop you from getting carried away. Gauge their reaction to your assertion of these boundaries.
8. They may attempt to control or manipulate your finances
Narcissists love to overpower their partners completely. People with Narcissistic Personality Disorder may exert financial control during and after the relationship, leveraging money as a tool for manipulation and influence. They do this by:
Controlling access to resources
Creating financial dependency
Using financial threats
The narcissist ensures that their ex-partner remains entangled in a web of dependence, further complicating the process of disentangling from the toxic relationship. For example, a common way of controlling finances post-breakup is by refusing to pay child support.
How to respond: Consult loved ones or a financial advisor for ways you can become financially independent. If needed, consult a lawyer to see if there is any legal recourse.
9. Your ex will exploit your emotional vulnerabilities in yet another display of narcissism
Narcissists maintain dominance by recognizing and exploiting their ex-partner’s emotional vulnerabilities. It is a key tactic employed by them to keep you trapped. By leveraging your most deep-seated insecurities, fears, or past traumas, narcissists gain a strategic advantage and ensure that you remain emotionally entangled and dependent through trauma bonding. This is probably one of the most damaging narcissist moves and makes it harder for the victim to trust a new partner.
How to respond: In this situation, sever contact with your ex-partner immediately. If that is not possible, at least minimize contact as much as possible to break free from the cycle of manipulation and regain emotional clarity. It’s not a good idea to even remain friends with a narcissist.
10. Narcissists will attempt to manipulate the narrative
Narcissists habitually engage in pathological lying through fabrication of elaborate stories, exaggerations, or omissions. They do this to achieve the following:
It is a means of controlling perceptions, attempting to make it seem like their bad behavior is not such a serious offense
The compulsive liar manipulates the narrative to maintain a facade of superiority and regain control of the situation
Narcissists behave this way because pathological lying serves to reinforce the narcissist’s inflated false self-image while undermining the ex-partner’s ability to discern truth from fiction, perpetuating a cycle of confusion and dependency
A narcissist will attempt to play the victim in the breakup
How to respond: It would help to cultivate emotional independence in order to reduce dependency on external validation. Your core friends and family will support you through this. Make a list of facts, and read it whenever you doubt yourself. Share it with your loved ones.
11. They will play the victim card
Narcissists treat their exes like abusers to gain the upper hand. Despite being the orchestrators of emotional manipulation, narcissists skillfully play the victim to elicit sympathy and deflect blame onto their ex-partners. This manipulative tactic, known as DARVO (deny, attack, and reverse victim and offender), involves presenting themselves as unjustly persecuted, fostering a narrative where their ex-partner becomes the alleged aggressor.
It shifts the perceived power dynamic in their favor. By portraying themselves as innocent victims, narcissists further manipulate perceptions, making it challenging for their former partners to assert their own truths and experiences.
How to respond: Since there is nothing you can do to change another person’s perspective, the best thing would be to ignore their actions and focus on your healing. Block them from everywhere. Prioritize self-care activities to nurture your mental and emotional health when dealing with a narcissistic injury of this kind.
Key Pointers
Breaking up with a narcissistic partner is often not the end of the story. They will continue to affect your personal life and other relationships in the aftermath
Narcissists do suffer post-breakup but not in the way the rest of us do — They suffer from a lack of ego validation and miss the control they had on you
They have a range of tactics that they may employ to lure you back into their control such as hoovering, blame-shifting, love bombing, and DARVO
Understanding narcissism is the first step you can take. It’ll help you respond to their attempts at drawing you back into their abusive games
We’ve delved into the intricate psychology of how narcissists treat their exes and explored the nuances of the suffering they go through, and the one they inflict upon others. From gaslighting to love bombing, the manipulative tactics employed by narcissists have been laid bare. If you’re going through this hurt, we hope you’re taking steps toward breaking free of their control.
By documenting interactions, educating ourselves, and focusing on healing and self-care, you can not only navigate the complex web woven by narcissists but also reclaim control, fostering a journey of self-discovery and empowerment beyond the shadows of manipulation.
From ‘Bah, humbug!’ to redemption: Charles Dickens’ ‘A Christmas Carol’ unfolds as more than just a festive fable, offering profound insights into self-discovery, kindness, and rewriting one’s life story.
Charles Dickens’ timeless classic, “A Christmas Carol,” isn’t just a heartwarming tale of holiday spirit; it’s a profound exploration of human psychology and the power of personal transformation.
Many of us have heard the story before through countless movie and TV adaptations, especially the infamous Scrooge, whose name has now become a common insult toward those who fight against the holiday spirit of joy, kindness, and charity.
If you’re interested, you can read the original 1843 novella A Christmas Carol for free at Project Gutenberg. There are also many free audiobooks you can find and listen to.
The story opens the day before Christmas with Ebenezer Scrooge at work, a strict businessman who is described as miserable, lonely, and greedy, without any close friends or companions. His nephew visits, wishes him a cheerily “Merry Christmas!” and invites him to spend dinner with his family, but Scrooge rudely brushes off the kind gesture and responds with his trademark phrase “Bah humbug!”
Scrooge’s cynical and negative attitude is on full display in the opening chapter. “He carried his own low temperature always about with him.” In one instance where he is asked to donate money to help the poor, the wealthy Scrooge asks, “Aren’t there prisons? Aren’t there workhouses?” and then complains about the “surplus population.”
It’s clear that Scrooge’s only concerns and core values in life are money and wealth. If it doesn’t help his profits or bottom line then he doesn’t care about it, especially the well-being of others which he claims is “none of his business.”
The archetype of Scrooge is more relevant today than ever, especially in our corporatized world where rich elites isolate themselves from the rest of society while income inequality, crime, and economic woes continue to rise for the average person. Dickens observed early signs of increased materialism, narcissism, and greed almost two hundred years ago, but these unhealthy instincts have only grown rapidly since then. Social media has particularly warped people’s perceptions of wealth, status, and fame, which has in turn blinded us to many other important values in life.
In many cases people like Scrooge live lonely and miserable lives until they die, clinging to their money as they are lowered into their graves. However the story of “A Christmas Carol” provides hope and inspiration that people can change their paths in life if they are given the necessary insight and wisdom.
As the well-known tale goes, Scrooge is haunted by 3 benevolent spirits on consecutive nights (The Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present, and Future), each teaching him an essential lesson on what really matters in life.
This breakdown of past, present, and future creates a complete picture of one’s life. It’s a powerful framework to spark self-growth in any person. Once we reevaluate where we’ve been, where we are, and where we want to go, we have a much clearer idea on what the right path forward is.
Keep in mind you don’t need to be religious to reap the benefits of this story. Its lessons are universal. While there are supernatural and spiritual elements, the wisdom is real and tangible.
Introduction: The Ghost of Marley
Before Scrooge is visited by the three spirits, he encounters the ghost of his former business partner Marley who had died seven years ago.
The ghost of Marley is shown to be in a type of purgatory, aimlessly roaming the town, entangled in many heavy chains with cash-boxes, keys, padlocks, ledgers, deeds, and heavy purses made out of steel, representing a lifetime of greed and selfishness:
“I wear the chain I forged in life,” replied the Ghost. “I made it link by link, and yard by yard; I girded it on of my own free will, and of my own free will I wore it. Is its pattern strange to you?”
“Or would you know,” pursued the Ghost, “the weight and length of the strong coil you bear yourself? It was full as heavy and as long as this, seven Christmas Eves ago. You have laboured on it, since. It is a ponderous chain!”
The ghost lets Scrooge know that his actions have far-reaching consequences too. He will suffer a similar fate if he doesn’t change his ways, but there’s still hope for redemption! He then leaves, announcing to Scrooge that he will soon be visited by three spirits that will guide him to a better path.
Marley’s ghost serves as a warning, but also a sign of hope.
The Ghosts of the Past: Forgiving Your Former Self
Scrooge’s first encounter is with the “Ghost of Christmas Past,” who serves as a poignant reminder that we must confront our history to understand our present.
The Ghost of Christmas Past transports Scrooge through various memories he had as a child and young adult, showing his psychological development over time.
The first scene brings Scrooge back to his childhood town, where he is immediately rushed with feelings of nostalgia, cheerfulness, and joy. These positive memories depict a very different Scrooge from present, revealing his once optimistic and hopeful disposition. What happened to him since?
The memories begin to grow darker. Multiple scenes show Scrooge spending Christmas alone as a young child, one time being left by himself at boarding school while his friends were celebrating the holidays with family, and another time sitting solitarily by the fire reading. Scrooge begins to shed tears and show sympathy toward his former, abandoned self.
One of the most pivotal memories is when young adult Scrooge is speaking with his past lover. She notices a fundamental change in him that has become a dealbreaker in their relationship.
“You fear the world too much,” she answered, gently…”I have seen your nobler aspirations fall off one-by-one, until the master-passion, Gain, engrosses you…”
She sees that money has become Scrooge’s God which he puts above all other values, including love. The young woman continues…
“Our contract is an old one. It was made when we were both poor and content to be so, until, in good season, we could improve our worldly fortune by our patient industry. You are changed. When it was made, you were another man.”
Here we begin to see Scrooge’s hardening into the man he is in the present.
His pursuit of wealth as his main source of comfort and satisfaction has damaged his relationship beyond repair. The lover sees no other option but for them to go their separate ways. The memory deeply pains Scrooge and he cries out for the ghost to show him no more.
In truth we are all a product of our past, including our environment and the choices we make in life. Scrooge has clearly gone through hardships and taken wrong turns that have influenced where he finds himself today; but it’s not too late.
The Ghost of Christmas Past forced Scrooge to remember events that he had long forgotten, neglected, or ignored because they were too painful to think about. While these old memories cannot be altered, you have to accept your past, be honest with yourself, and forgive yourself if you want to learn, grow, and change for the better.
One of the main lessons here is that you need to take responsibility for the past before you can take power over the future. Scrooge is suffering, but he’s learning.
Making the Most of the Present: Opportunities for Joy and Kindness
Scrooge’s next encounter is with the “Ghost of Christmas Present,” who teaches Scrooge all the opportunities for good that cross his path every single day.
The spirit is colorfully dressed with holly, mistletoe, berries, turkeys, sausages, oysters, pies, puddings, fruit, and punch surrounding him, a representation of the simple pleasures in life we can all learn to appreciate, savor, and be grateful for.
First, the Ghost of Christmas Present takes Scrooge for a walk outside in the town during Christmas Day, observing all the happiness, zest, and cheer overflowing through the streets. Everyone from all backgrounds is enjoying the festivities.
When two people bump into each other and start a small fight, the ghost sprinkles a magical substance on them which instantly ends the argument and brings both back to a more joyful demeanor.
“Once or twice when there were angry words between some dinner-carriers who had jostled each other, he shed a few drops of water on them, and their good humour was restored directly. For they said, it was a shame to quarrel upon Christmas Day. And so it was! God love it, so it was!”
On Christmas, all fights are optional.
The ghost then leads Scrooge to the home of Bob Cratchit, his current employee who he often treats poorly. Here Scrooge is introduced to Bob’s sick and disabled son Tiny Tim, who despite his illness is still excited to spend holiday time with the family. The poor family makes the most of the limited food and time they have together, including a fake “goose” dinner made out of apple sauce and mashed potatoes.
Scrooge looks on in sympathy and wishes he could do more to help them. He asks the spirit about the current state of Tiny Tim’s health:
“Spirit,” said Scrooge, with an interest he never felt before, “tell me if Tiny Tim will live.”
“I see a vacant seat,” replied the Ghost, “in the poor chimney-corner, and a crutch without an owner, carefully preserved. If these shadows remain unaltered by the Future, the child will die.”
In another scene, Scrooge is transported to the home of his sister’s family, the same party his nephew invited him to the previous day. Everyone in the household is enjoying the Christmas holiday while singing, dancing, and playing games. Several times Scrooge is brought up in conversation and everyone can only laugh and shrug at Scrooge’s relentless misery and gloom.
“A Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to the old man, whatever he is!” said Scrooge’s nephew. “He wouldn’t take it from me, but may he have it nonetheless. Uncle Scrooge!”
Scrooge knows that these events and perceptions by others are part of his own doing.
At every turn, Scrooge denies taking advantage of daily opportunities for happiness, including rejecting a group of children singing carols, responding rudely to acquaintances (“Bah humbug!”), and refusing to give to charities or help others when it’s fully in his power.
These events are small, but they build up over time. Whenever Scrooge is given a choice between kindness vs. coldness, he chooses to be cold. After enough tiny social interactions, Scrooge has cemented his reputation around town as being the miserable miser.
Can he still change it?
The Shadows of the Future: Shaping Tomorrow Today
The final spirit Scrooge meets is the “Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come” or the “Ghost of Christmas Future.” This ghost blends in with the darkness of the night, wearing a long black robe that covers their entire face and body, except for a boney hand it uses to silently point.
The ghost begins by showing men on the streets joking and laughing about someone who has just passed away. At a pawn shop, robbers are selling stolen property they recently seized from the dead man’s estate, saying it’s for the best since the items will no longer serve any use to him. Scrooge, perplexed by the meaning of these scenes, intently watches on. Another man jokes:
“It’s likely to be a very cheap funeral, for upon my life I don’t know of anybody to go to it.”
Scene by scene, people show ambivalence toward the death. Scrooge grows frustrated and asks:
“If there is any person in the town who feels emotion caused by this man’s death, show that person to me. Spirit, I beseech you!”
Now they see a family that was in debt to the dead man, and they are feeling humble gratitude and quiet glee that they no longer have to worry themselves about such an evil creditor:
“Yes. Soften it as they would, their hearts were lighter. The children’s faces, hushed and clustered round to hear what they so little understood, were brighter; and it was a happier house for this man’s death! The only emotion that the Ghost could show him, caused by the event, was one of pleasure.”
Already having suspicions on who this man is, Scrooge begs the ghost to finally reveal where his future lies. The ghost travels to a graveyard and points at a tombstone that upon inspection reads: Ebenezer Scrooge
Scrooge’s heart sinks. Next it’s shown that Tiny Tim hasn’t recovered from his illness and has also passed away, and at such a young age. Feeling completely hopeless at this point, Scrooge desperately begs:
“Answer me one question. Are these the shadows of the things that Will be, or are they shadows of things that May be, only?”
“Men’s courses will foreshadow certain ends, to which, if persevered in, they must lead. But if the courses be departed from, the ends will change. Say it is thus with what you show me!”
As long as you’re alive and breathing, you have the power to change.
When we think about death, it puts everything about life into perspective. Our time is finite in this world and we must make the most of it without being distracted by trivialities and lesser values. If you were laying on your deathbed right now, what would your main regrets be?
When Scrooge reflects on his own death and what influence he’d leave on the world, it shakes him at his core – but also transforms him.
The Power of Redemption: Transforming Scrooge’s Tale into Our Own
After the visitations of the three ghosts, Scrooge wakes up a changed man ready to start his new life. He rises from bed excited, hopeful, and giddy that he’s still alive and still has a chance to change his current course.
Upon finding out it’s still Christmas Day, he buys a prize turkey to send to the Cratchit family and begins giving generous amounts of money to children and the poor. He continues to walk around the town square, giving everyone warm greetings and a hearty “Merry Christmas!”
When he sees Bob Cratchit the next day at work, he immediately gives him a raise in salary and promises to take care of Tiny Tim and assist the family in anyway possible. He becomes a lifelong friend to the family.
This sudden change in Scrooge’s behavior confused the townsfolk at first, including many who made fun of this rapid transformation that was so uncharacteristic of Scrooge. But these words and gossip didn’t bother him:
“Some people laughed to see the alteration in him, but he let them laugh, and little heeded them; for he was wise enough to know that nothing ever happened on this globe, for good, at which some people did not have their fill of laughter[…] His own heart laughed: and that was quite enough for him.”
At its core, “A Christmas Carol” is a story of redemption and heroism. Scrooge’s journey from miserly recluse to benevolent samaritan exemplifies the human capacity for change.
By reflecting on his past, present, and future self, Scrooge discovered the best path forward – a process that applies to all forms of self-improvement.
This story has insightful lessons that can apply to anyone’s life, no matter what situation they find themselves in. We can’t change the past chapters, but we can change how our story ends.
Never forget you have the power to rewrite your life story at any time.
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Easily characterizable as yet another example in an endless series of bad tourist behavior (see also: etching your and your girlfriend’s name into a wall of the Colosseum), something about a particular modern abuse in tourism—selfie taking—truly does make one yearn for simpler times in “traveling antics.” Or, in this case, “gondola antics.” This being part of the latest selfie taking snafu captured on camera and shared ad nauseam via various platforms. While the video doesn’t show the moment of the fall, it does reveal the aftermath of a boat capsizing, leaving in its wake a group of very “surprised,” very wet Chinese tourists (for once, the “Dumbfuck Award” didn’t go to American tourists instead). Yet how could they really be surprised when they were told repeatedly to sit the fuck down by their gondolier? Namely, during the “portion of the program” where the gondolier specifically warned them that he was about to make a maneuver whose success was entirely contingent upon the distribution of the weight inside the boat. An artful maneuver that most gondoliers are required to execute when they ferry the gondola under a bridge. You know, Madonna in the “Like A Virgin” video-style.
A video that, for years, inspired many a tourist in Venice to attempt recreating some of M’s iconic writhing and gyrating on a gondola as it went under bridges and wound around canals. All while Madonna made it look so effortless in her blue Spandex pants and sleeveless black dress with cutouts at the sides, her layers of crucifix necklaces bouncing in the wind. Jumping and bopping as tourists on a bridge above her look down in what one might imagine to be awe. After all, back in 1984, such varietals of outrageous behavior in Venice were the exception, not the rule. With the advent of smartphones, not only was existence never the same, but neither was Venice. Already constantly teeming with tourists (to the point where a cap on the number of visitors will take effect), outfitting every single one of them with a pocket-size, easily accessible camera (made all the more appealing because it could also connect to the internet, where they could post the picture they had just taken) undeniably caused a change for the worse in that particular city.
Madonna’s playful jumping intermixed with sensual dancing seems positively tame in retrospect compared to some of the other things tourists will get up to nowadays (on a gondola or elsewhere) in the name of “living for the Insta/TikTok.” And, lest one forget, we never really see Madonna “rocking the boat,” so to speak—thanks to artful camerawork by director Mary Lambert, who shoots Madonna from a low-angle or waist-level position during most of these instances to merely give the illusion that she’s actually engaging in all of this “capsizing behavior” for real.
In the non-cinematic version of this narrative, however, the gondolier would have surely told Madonna the same thing that the Chinese tourists were told: bitch, sit down. Be humble. Granted, the Queen of Pop did appear to have far more reverence for the Queen of the Adriatic than your average tourist of the moment. So it was that during her 1998 episode of VH1’s Behind the Music, Madonna described Venice as a “very, very romantic place.” But of course it would seem that way to her. For one thing, it was “pre-social-media-ruining-every-tourist-destination.” For another, she stayed at Hotel Cipriani, a staple of Venice’s luxury hotel scene since the very year Madonna was born: 1958. It was one of the only options in town with a pool and, per Lambert, Madonna wanted to make sure she had access to one for her workout regimen. She also wanted to make sure she could avoid the video’s producer, Simon Fields, of whom Lambert said, “[He] still wanted to sleep with her—so did everybody else, for that matter.” That kind of “aura” about Madonna is at least part of why the streets and canals were ostensibly cleared for the video shoot…Lambert didn’t want to have a Love Potion No. 9 situation on her hands with one mere cough out of M’s mouth. By the same token, Madonna, being a Leo and still new to fame, relished the crowds that would start to gather behind the scenes and call her, according to her, a “puta”—the Spanish word for whore, though Madonna was looking for the Italian one: “puttana.”
As for reasons why Madonna and Lambert homed in on Venice for the bulk of the video shoot, the former remarked, “We felt Venice symbolized so many things, like virginity. And I’m Madonna, and I’m Italian.” Except for when she can’t find the correct word for whore in said language. Nonetheless, there’s no denying that Madonna had far more legitimate reasons for “making Venice her playground” than the artless tourists in the vein of the capsized Chinese ones mentioned above. Which brings us to how the real puttani of the moment are those who can’t resist the temptation of vanity that comes with “peddling themselves” online. And not even for the sake of “influencing,” but rather, the sake of the errant likes that might validate their existence. Including, of course, a selfie taken while crossing under a Venetian bridge in a gondola. The very same thing Madonna did back in 1984…without the selfie part. For, you see, there was a benefit to a lack of democratization in “art” (selfies being deemed as such by “influencers” such as Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian): it meant that not just any old asshole could try to bill what they were doing as precisely that.
This extends, to be sure, to “social media curation.” What historians, should there be any trace of humanity left in the future, will look back on as the “preeminent” “art form” of the twenty-first century. Perhaps forgetting altogether there was a time when tourist “hot spots” like Venice weren’t so drenched in stupidity in service of social media, as opposed to in service of more reined-in postmodern art à la the “Like A Virgin” video. Now that was an instance of (semi-)controlled antics one could actually get behind. For there remains in its wake a true piece of art that stands the test of time…as opposed to an embarrassing viral TikTok video that will be lost to a black hole once the next short clip captivates the millions who use the app.
Your husband is supposed to be your biggest supporter and the one that you can count on to have your best interest at heart. However, if you’re married to a narcissist, you might experience the exact opposite. Are you made to feel like somehow everything that goes wrong is your fault? Does your husband always seem to get his way? If the answer to either of these questions is a yes, this quiz is for you.
Crafted by Dhriti Bhavsar, seasoned psychologist with a master’s degree in psychology and specialization in counseling, this quiz can help you understand if you are in a relationship with a narcissist. Narcissism is a personality disorder, not simply a negative trait or two. This quiz has been expertly designed to help you understand whether your partner is a narcissist or just selfish, as they are two very different things.
It’s essential to note that Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a complex mental health condition, and this quiz is not a substitute for professional diagnosis. Instead, think of this quiz as a tool to help you understand the issues with your relationship better. If the results prompt concerns, seek the guidance of a mental health professional for a comprehensive evaluation. Living with a narcissist can deeply harm your emotional wellbeing and so it is important that you don’t go through it alone.
Take the ‘Is my husband a narcissist quiz’ and answer the questions honestly. Identifying the problem is the first step to solving it!
Is Tom Sandoval really a narcissist? We’re about to find out!
Ever since the reality star had an affair behind Ariana Madix’s back with their Vanderpump Rules co-star Rachel Leviss, their castmates and fans repeatedly have called him a textbook narcissist. But instead of ignoring what others have said about him in the wake of Scandoval, he took a test to determine whether this is true! And no, we’re not kidding.
Board-certified physician and addiction specialist Dr. Drew Pinsky joined the television personality on his podcast Everybody Loves Tom on Thursday to discuss a “narcissism test” he took. And the results are in! Brace yourselves, Perezcous readers, because you won’t believe the outcome!
Despite what most people may think, Dr. Drew revealed Sandoval is… NOT a narcissist. Huh?!?! He explained:
“You are not measurably narcissistic. It is a test for narcissistic traits. It is not a way of diagnosing a disorder but it is a way of showing traits. You actually scored very low.”
Dr. Drew said the average score on the test is in the 15 or 16 range. But for Tom? He apparently scored a 7! According to the Teen Mom reunion host, that is the lowest rating on the scale he’s ever seen:
“You are actually one of the lower ones that I’ve seen, which is interesting.”
What? This guy lied and cheated for months while his girlfriend was mourning the loss of her grandmother. Sandoval can’t even take full responsibility for carrying on an affair with her best friend behind her back to this day! And you’re telling us he’s not a narcissist? Does anyone buy this? Like, we would not be surprised if Sandoval lied on this test to get his desired outcome – just like a narcissist would. But who knows! We could be wrong. We bet fans are going to want Sandoval and Dr. Drew to pull out the receipts or at least record the Bravolebrity taking the test on camera again, though!
There was one area on the test Sandoval scored “slightly” higher on. And this will be no surprise to longtime VPR viewers – it’s vanity! Dr. Drew said:
“The only thing you were slightly up on was vanity. That is a reasonable measurement of something you’re interested in because of your appearance. It is not good or bad, it is just a trait.”
Sandoval felt he knew he wouldn’t score high on the narcissism scale as he witnessed that kind of behavior from other cast members on the reality show. Without naming names (but he’s probably talking about his former best friend Jax Taylor), he shared:
“I knew because I had been around people with narcissistic traits — they are on our show — so I know what it is like. I just know that I am not those people.”
Some – like Ariana and Lala Kent – most likely would disagree with him! On top of being vain, Dr. Drew said the musician was co-dependent and saw those traits in him following their candid discussion with each other:
“I think you are more on the codependent side and less on the narcissistic side. Codependency is a construct, it is not a diagnosis. It is a situation where it is hard to assert yourself. You are not great at boundaries and when you see people in pain, you have to make it stop. You feel like you have to make it stop because you feel like an empathic person but underneath it is your own pain being mobilized that you have to make stop. You have to distinguish your pain from other people’s pain.”
You can also watch the podcast episode (below):
Hmm… What do YOU think, Perezcious readers? Do you feel Sandoval is more co-dependent than narcissistic? Or do you believe he messed with his answers on the test?
Every time Blur has devotees convinced that they couldn’t possibly return with a new album again, the band rises from the so-called dead to bring us something both quite surprising and yet still totally on-brand (perhaps a polite euphemism for more of the same, but different). It would seem their ninth studio album, The Ballad of Darren, is going to deliver just that if the first single, “The Narcissist,” is any indication. And yes, the release of 2015’s The Magic Whip felt like something of a one-off. Almost as though to make up for 2003’s Think Tank being recorded without guitarist Graham Coxon. In fact, Coxon abandoned the recording sessions early on in 2002, stating glibly, “[The band] just recognized the feeling that we needed some time apart.” More like Coxon recognized it as a result of suddenly not “vibing” with the band anymore. After all, he had been in rehab during the initial November 2001 recording sessions, and upon coming in for the ’02 ones, he apparently didn’t fit into the permutation anymore. After the rest of Blur somewhat priggishly reported that the sessions weren’t going as seamlessly with Coxon present, the bespectacled guitarist would later state, “I had a breakthrough, I think my life just became calmer, I gave up drinking. My priorities changed as I had a young daughter. The group didn’t want me to record for the Think Tank album, so I took it as a sign to leave.”
Who knows what the subsequent sign to come back was for Coxon, but, to the delight of many fans, whatever it was prompted a full-fledged reunion when Blur announced they would play a show in Hyde Park on July 3, 2009—eventually called All The People: Blur Live at Hyde Park. With The Magic Whip six years later, the band would also “keep it classic” by going back to their longtime producer, Stephen Street, who was given the boot on Think Tank in favor of producers Ben Hillier, Norman Cook (a.k.a. Fatboy Slim) and William Orbit (with the latter also producing the majority of 13). This trifecta being what gave that album such a “non-cohesive” sound amid the rest of their discography (granted, James Ford replaces Street on The Ballad of Darren’s production, so perhaps it, too, will stand apart). And yet, with Coxon’s absence, it was arguably the only time Blur was ever “free” enough to experiment in that “Gorillaz sort of way” Damon Albarn is so fond of. For it is Coxon who always seems to bring the band back down to Earth, to its roots in shoegaze malaise.
That’s the case, in many ways, with “The Narcissist.” And, as Albarn himself was content to remark, “I think also it has enough of the modern world in it to kind of be relatable to people younger as well.” For, what could be more relatable to “the kids” than narcissism? Not just because the word “narcissist” is so overused at this juncture (neck and neck with “gaslighting”), but because narcissism is simply the name of the game in this thing called post-social media existence. And yes, even Albarn’s newfound nemesis, Taylor Swift, found a way to use the word in one of her most recent hits, “Anti-Hero,” by singing, “Did you hear my covert narcissism I disguise as altruism/Like some kind of congressman?” Perhaps that’s what Blur is doing with their own “altruistic” decision to return to music. And yet, Albarn, who has been in the business for thirty-three years (counting it from the time Blur signed to Food Records), can admit, loosely, to his own penchant for narcissism, noting in an interview with Radio X, “I think the whole nature of being in a band… especially talking about yourself, having photographs taken… that’s all about yourself.” It sounds more eloquent when said aloud than it does in writing, but anyway, Albarn can cede to the fact that he is well-versed in succumbing to the type of narcissism that goes hand in hand with “The Fame Monster.”
By the same token, Albarn added, “There are deep practitioners of narcissism within the entertainment world, but it also applies to people like Putin… It’s one of those… troubling aspects of modern life.” That is to say, how politics and narcissism have bred a very dangerous “lovechild” in the present (see also: Donald Trump). And yes, as Blur announced long ago, “Modern life is rubbish.” And that sentiment has only intensified in the decades since the band first openly declared what everyone else knew to be true. Little did they know then…how much more batshit it would get now. Particularly with regard to sociopathy and narcissism—both of which are spurred and fortified by screens. What would have been Narcissus’ modern-day mirror. With regard to that well-known, well-worn story, Albarn makes an overt reference to Echo’s role in it in the opening verse: “Looked in the mirror/So many people standing there/I walked towards them/Into the floodlights/I heard no echo.” Among the potential meanings of the first two lines is the idea that when we see ourselves in the mirror, there are so many versions of who we are hiding behind that reflected façade. The one so carefully curated for the sake of avoiding rejection or generally being “othered.” Of course, one could take it more literally and assume Albarn is having some kind of The Twilight Zone and/or funhouse mirror experience. In both scenarios, being transfixed by “the self” is at play. A “trend,” as it were, embodied by Narcissus.
Unlike Narcissus, however, Albarn has the good sense to recognize his vanity (or so he says) by insisting, “I found my ego” (literally and probably Freud-wise, vis-à-vis the “reality principle”). Even going so far as to admit to the Echo of his life, “You were the Pierrot/I was the dark room.” Whether or not the “Echo” in his life is ultimately himself (how very narcissistic indeed) is left to one’s discretion as he sings in the chorus, “I’ll be shining light in your eyes/You’ll probably shine it back on me/But I won’t fall this time/With Godspeed I’ll heed the signs.” “The fall” Albarn refers to seems less about falling in love and more about falling into the trap of some unhealthy addiction. And yes, self-obsession is a drug. To boot, Albarn makes mention of more literal drugs as the song progresses, describing, “I took the acid [even though Kesha’s mom said not to]/Under the white horses [this meaning the chalk white horses long ago carved into English hillsides to celebrate the summer solstice, which Albarn also brings up]/My heart it quickened/I could not tear myself away/Became addiction/If you see darkness look away.” That darkness he alludes to further applies undeniably to the darkness in oneself, particularly when they have narcissistic tendencies (usually complete with an inability to experience empathy).
Some would say—though certainly never of male musicians (only female ones like Madonna)—that it’s pure narcissism to keep making art into one’s “old age.” But if that’s the case, then maybe there’s room for four more narcissists in Blur if they can keep creating songs such as these.
You may wonder if your partner, co-worker, or family member is a narcissist. While many people have what doctors call narcissistic traits, like self-importance and entitlement (thinking they’re owed something), people diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder can be a bigger challenge.
“Living with a narcissist requires a different or more advanced emotional skill set,” says Kimberly Perlin, a licensed clinical social worker Towson, MD. She specializes in helping women in relationships with narcissists and also treats narcissists.
Having a narcissist in your life can be frustrating and emotionally challenging. Your relationship may revolve around them. You may feel judged and exhausted by their demands.
When she was a child, Carla Marie Manly, PhD, a clinical psychologist in Santa Rosa, CA, didn’t realize her older sibling was a narcissist. “Growing up with this highly controlling person was extremely challenging,” she says. “It was only in my adult years that I came to realize this sibling was a deeply troubled narcissist.”
How to Spot a Narcissist
Narcissists have a strong sense of grandiosity. That means they think they’re more important than others and often seek out admiration.
One of Perlin’s clients is a perfect example. “A client I worked with for years terminated therapy with me when he saw my new website and was insulted that the website didn’t talk about him,” she says.
Narcissists often:
Have a strong sense of grandiosity (they have high levels of self-esteem, self-importance, self-confidence, and often feel like they’re superior to others)
Are arrogant
Take advantage of others to get what they want
Believe they’re unique or special
Exaggerate achievements and talents
Need constant admiration
Feel envy toward others
Believe others envy them
Lack empathy
Are obsessed with fantasies of brilliance, power, or success
Have a sense of entitlement
Narcissists and Relationships
Manly learned a lot about narcissists from her older sibling and her experiences working with them. “I’ve learned that narcissists are the focus of their own lives. They often believe they’re perfect and blame others for issues that arise at work, home, or social situations.” she says.
Narcissists may do whatever it takes to get what they want. They generally don’t feel compassion and can’t connect intimately with others, even the people who are closest to them.
At work, a narcissist may seek admiration, even if it hurts others. They may take credit for other people’s work, undermine co-workers, or change their behavior to get approval from higher-level people. They may seem friendly and hard-working, but there’s often more to it than meets the eye.
At home, a narcissist can impact the whole family. If you’re in an intimate relationship with a narcissist, they may be highly critical of you, distant, and dismissive. You could feel invisible, disrespected, and lonely. If you’re a child of a narcissist, you may have been neglected or abused.
Sometimes it’s best to cut ties with a narcissist, especially if they’re abusive.
“For my own mental health, I’ve chosen to step back from investing in a personal relationship with my sibling,” Manly says. She accepts that her sibling doesn’t see their behavior as a problem and since her sibling has no desire for self-growth, an ongoing relationship will only lead to more frustration.
If you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, expect it to be challenging. “Buckle up, it will be a very bumpy ride,” says Forrest Talley, PhD, a clinical psychologist in Folsom, CA. “It will be an extraordinarily taxing relationship.”
What to Do With a Narcissist
Take these steps to handle a narcissist:
Educateyourself. Find out more about the disorder. It can help you understand the narcissist’s strengths and weaknesses and learn how to handle them better. Knowing who they are may also allow you to accept the situation for what it is and have realistic expectations.
Create boundaries. Be clear about your boundaries. It may upset or disappoint the narcissist, but that’s OK. Remember, it’s not your job to control that person’s emotions, Perlin says.
Speak up for yourself. When you need something, be clear and concise. “Make sure they understand your request, Perlin says.
Watch your wording. Narcissists don’t take constructive criticism well, Manly says. Try to make comments in careful, positive ways.
Stay calm. Try not to react if they try to pick a fight or gaslight you (making you doubt your own reality). If they lash out, think of them as a 3-year-old who feels rejected because their parent sets a bedtime, Talley says.
Create a support system. Living with a narcissist can lead to feelings of insecurity, confusion, and self-doubt. “Make sure you have a core group of people in your life that can support you,” Talley says.
Bring in a counselor. Therapy won’t cure your partner’s narcissism, but it may help you work certain things out. A counselor can show you ways to approach problem-solving with the narcissist.
What Not to Do With a Narcissist
Certain things may trigger problems with a narcissist, so it’s best to avoid them.
Don’t argue or confront. Manly finds it’s best not to confront a narcissist directly. As difficult as it may be to constantly tiptoe around them, it can be better to manage their need to feel in charge.
Don’t try to direct them. Narcissists like to have control and often fear losing it. “Efforts to lead or instruct a narcissist will often fail,” Manly says.
Don’t expect them to see your point of view. Narcissists don’t like to admit when they’re wrong or that they’re unlovable, so trying to make them see things your way could backfire.
Don’t expect deep, meaningful communication. “Narcissists have very little empathy, so honest, heartfelt communication often doesn’t get through and can even create an angry outburst or shutdown response,” Manly says.
Don’t go over past issues. Don’t try to make them see a long line of behavior dating back years — or how they’re just like their father, for example, Perlin says. Instead, stay in the present when you express requests or hurt feelings.
People with narcissistic personality disorder usually don’t change, so keep that in mind. Even if you learn to manage your relationship better, it probably won’t ever be a healthy relationship.
To further prove that every celebrity is ultimately just in love with themselves, Sabrina Carpenter has released a video for her new single from emails i can’t send, “nonsense.” Which is sure to get a playlist boost from her recent photo appearance—the one at the American Music Awards where she was pictured sandwiched between two very tall, FUPA-parading women—Taylor Swift and GAYLE (who will open for Swift during select dates of the already controversial Eras Tour). But even without their help, “nonsense” was a “pop hit’ (as Carpenter refers to it in the song) already.
A large part of that has to do with something of an Ariana Grande-esque formula (and the way Carpenter “hits the octave”). The one she implemented so well during her thank u, next cycle. An album that was better-promoted with the release of a video for “break up with your girlfriend, i’m bored” the same day as the record came out. Showing off her sense of humor at a time when she had just ended her engagement with Pete “Rebound” Davidson, maybe there was a jocular tone to the idea that Grande would try lesbianism next (she is, after all, into dabbling—if her blackfishing is an indication).
So it is that the big “plot twist” of the video is that she’s been more interested in her pony-tailed lookalike, played by Ariel Yasmine, the entire time. The dalliance commences at a club (how very 2000s) wherein Yasmine and her boyfriend, played by Riverdale’s Charles Melton, invite Grande (sporting a blonde coif that’s more in keeping with her Sweetener era) to join them in their dance. This being Los Angeles, Grande isn’t averse to a one-night throuple scenario. And yet, maybe it isn’t just one night. For how else would a blonde-haired Ariana have had time to pull a single white (yes, white) female by emulating Yasmine’s look (itself emulating Ariana’s during that period)? Maybe she was invited to a party at their house on another night after meeting them at the club… or did she go home and dye her hair before showing up at the party—who knows? But the timeline doesn’t feel linear. The point is, Ari has become narcissistically attracted to someone who looks just like her. Her doppelgänger, if you will (a word that often doubles for “alter ego”—usually embodying a darker [or at least slightly more irreverent] persona).
Carpenter decides to take that concept one step further in the Danica Kleinknecht-directed video for “nonsense” by enlisting none other than herself (as opposed to a “mere” lookalike) to play the alter ego. She goes further still by making that alter ego male instead of female. And then there is the context of this duo’s encounter. Despite being twenty-three (as Olivia Rodrigo was so fond of pointing out her “older” age in “drivers license”), there is a more teenaged (or college, at the latest) sensibility to the concept of the setting in lieu of Grande’s more “adult” nightclub backdrop, followed by a lavish house in the Hills. Conversely, in the opening scenes of “nonsense,” we see Carpenter preparing for a house party (seemingly one that she’s throwing) that the boy version of herself, outfitted with a trucker hat that says “Dipshit” on it, also attends. Because, yes, like Ari before her, Carpenter only really has eyes for, well, herself. Something Lady Gaga additionally proved when she showcased her own male alter ego, Jo Calderone.
Whether Carpenter named her “drag king” is unknown, but it’s quite apparent she’s very attracted to him. Even though he comes off like an even worse version of Amanda Bynes doing drag in She’s The Man. Yet somehow, he has the appearance of someone much younger than Carpenter, who he spots from across the room as he exhales a cloud of smoke from his vape.
It doesn’t take long for the two to find a “quiet corner” amid the red Solo cups and impromptu karaoke sessions. Because, really, who hasn’t been attracted to a male or female version of themselves (see: Brad Pitt and Gwyneth Paltrow in the late 90s)? As the two get increasingly drunk, interspersed scenes of Carpenter dancing around and looking at herself in the mirror add to the overall narcissistic motif that Grande also showed us with just as little subtlety in Hannah Lux Davis’ visuals for “break up with your girlfriend, i’m bored.”
Carpenter even sounds like Grande in general—and then very specifically… closing “nonsense” with some spoken dialogue that reminds one of Ari’s back-and-forth with Victoria Monét at the end of “monopoly.” Both moments feature gigglingly-stated lines. In Carpenter’s case, it’s the brush-off that this song will never make the cut for the album, laughing, “That one’s not gonna make it.”
Luckily for Carpenter’s fans (and even Grande’s), it did. For it’s just the sort of gushing love song that might prompt one to make out with their reflection in the vanity. Self-love (and sologamy), after all, has never been chicer. Even if shown in the self-deprecating way that Taylor Swift does it with her alter ego in the video for “Anti-Hero.” In which she “sarcastically” remarks, incidentally, on her self-obsession via the lyrics, “Did you hear my covert narcissism I disguise as altruism?” In contrast to Grande and Carpenter, Swift appears to more openly admit to it with her take on this ostensible “doppelgänger” trend in music videos (regardless of whether that double is a male or female version of oneself).
