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  • What Is Sleep Divorce and Is it Biblical?

    What Is Sleep Divorce and Is it Biblical?

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    Many married American couples envision their marriage bed as a sacred space. It is a place where you can dependably reconnect at the end of the day.

    If it’s not with some conversation, it is just by being snuggled up in the same cozy space as you both drift off to sleep. It’s a place you commit to returning to together no matter how the day went.

    For many, leaving the bed to sleep elsewhere can be a sign of anger, separation, and can undermine your feeling of connectivity in your relationship. Sleeping apart from one another can be seen as the first step taken away from one another when your marriage is facing tension.

    But sometimes, couples just have to because of their life situations.

    Why do we see a growing number of couples opting to sleep in separate beds and sometimes also opting to sleep in separate rooms? According to a 2017 survey from the National Sleep Foundation, almost one in four married couples sleep in separate beds.

    Is sleeping in separate spaces a sign of a relational break or just a pragmatic decision for more individual comfort? Let’s explore the potential consequences of this growing trend.

    What Is Sleep Divorce?

    While the term sleep divorce sounds a little dramatic, the reality is that the term is just referring to a decision some couples make to sleep in separate spaces for the sake of better rest.

    While the trend is growing in popularity now, it is not a new idea. As recent as the 1960’s couples sleeping in separate beds or places was fairly common.

    Over the past 50 plus years sleeping in the same bed became the norm for married couples but researchers are finding that up to 25% of married couples are choosing different arrangements.

    Why Do Couples Choose to Sleep Divorce?

    Sleep divorce may be prompted due to a couple’s differering schedule or inability to rest well in the same bed with your spouse.

    I know firsthand that there are seasons where separated sleep is necessary due to circumstances outside potential marital conflict.

    When we brought each of our babies home there were times when we had to sleep separately in order to facilitate better sleep for each other. I would take the first part of the night with the baby and then sometime in the early hours, my husband would come back upstairs to our room to take the baby downstairs to rest so I had at least 4 hours of uninterrupted sleep.

    That was a gracious gift as my Momma body could not fully rest with our loud grunting little nuggets right beside me.

    Some couples may be in a situation where they work opposite schedules. This can make sleeping at the same time in the same bed impossible.

    Many others report factors such as loud snoring, disagreements about lighting, temperature preferences, and other disagreements about comfortable sleeping preferences have led them to opt for separate beds and/or separate rooms.

    Couples select to separate at night for a variety of reasons ranging from practical concerns such as opposite schedules; to those who separate because they cannot agree to be in the same space together any longer.

    Is Sleep Divorce Biblical?

    Sleeping arrangements are mostly a cultural construct and the ways we have chosen to sleep in our homes have changed tremendously over the years due to a necessity or cultural norms of the time.

    The Bible doesn’t offer specific instructions on things like where we should sleep when we are married but it does give us a lot of other advice for our marriages that we can draw on to help us navigate these sorts of decisions.

    Ephesians 5 outlines many principles that can guide us in our marriages. It advises that we keep away from any sexual immorality, that we show each other love and respect, that we cherish one another, and that we serve each other. Let these be the standards that you judge your decisions by.

    All of our decisions should be born of a desire to love one another as Christ would.

    That means if sleeping together, even if it means less than stellar sleep, can be important to showing one another love. On the other hand, giving each other the freedom to rest without interruption can be an amazing gift of service and love to your spouse (particularly if you have a newborn).

    Let love and open communication guide you and you can’t go wrong.

    Before You Decide, Check Your Motives

    Is choosing to opt for a so-called “sleep divorce” bad for your marriage?

    Honestly, this is a hard question to answer because relationship and family circumstances vary so greatly!

    Many couples are making these kinds of choices for purely practical reasons such as taking turns tending to a newborn or working opposite shifts, while for others the decision to separate at night may be a worrisome signal that things are decaying in your relationship. 

    Determining the line between “I need to sleep alone for the sake of getting better rest” and “I don’t want to be in the same space as you” can get fuzzy.

    When dealing with circumstances that lead to the need to rest separately, clear communication and intentional times of connection have to be even more of a priority because you are missing out on a built-in time of shared space that a common bed allows for. 

    Sophie Jacobi-Parisi, a New York attorney at Warshaw Burstein, who practices matrimonial and family law, said that “couples that choose to sleep separately but don’t have a conversation around why they are making the change, it can be another step in the path toward divorce.”

    She makes the point that there can be many practical reasons as to why separate sleeping arrangements may be beneficial but if we are not clear in our communication with one another as to why we are making these types of decisions this can be one step closer to separation or divorce.

    The bottom line is that the decision to sleep separately is one that should not be taken lightly.

    If there is a real need for this arrangement, communication with one another surrounding this decision is very important to make sure that it is not a choice to step away from your commitment to your marriage.

    Every step we take away from our spouses, be it physically or emotionally, has the potential for negative long-term consequences. Wisdom invites us to weigh these types of decisions carefully.

    How to Keep a Healthy Marriage While Sleeping Separately

    If you are in a season of life where it feels impossible or disruptive to each other’s rest to sleep in the same bed there are a few ways to make sure you get through this season well.

    1. Identify the sleep issue and determine the best way to remedy it.

    For example, if opposite schedules mean you can’t go to bed together, then identify ways you are going to take time to rest together. There is something special about spending time resting together.

    While many think best sleep comes alone, there is research that shows that sharing a bed actually leads to better sleep. Potential benefits include falling to sleep faster, lowered blood pressure, a boosted immune system, helps curb anxiety, and even can slow down aging!

    If you are trading off dealing with children, one suggestion would be to do this switch during the week but reserve the weekends to still sleep in the same bed together. Another idea is to spend time together in bed catching up and snuggling before separating to your posts to get some rest.

    If separating is due to snoring, a health concern, or another issue, make sure you are thorough in discussing how to make sure you both know that the decision to sleep separately is not a decision to live separately.

    While it is easy to see the practical need for rest it is important to care and nurture each other’s feelings.

    Find ways to express your desire to remain near one another in life even if your circumstances prohibit being together in the night hours.

    2. Revisit your sleep arrangements frequently.

    No decision like this should be permanent. Just because something works well or is necessary for one season does not mean it is good for all seasons.

    Choosing to come back together to the same bed, even if it means lost sleep, is 100% worth it if it is going to bring your marriage closer together again.

    We sacrifice sleep for so many other causes: our children, video games, binge-watching TV, and even work. It is reasonable to expect to have to sacrifice some sleep for the sake of your marriage.

    Be wary of a temporary season of sleep separation becoming permanent. This could be a sign of a growing disconnect in your relationship.

    Once that baby is sleeping then you should return to sleeping in your same bed or at least should be talking about what new arrangement would work best for both of you.

    When your situation changes, it is important not to ignore the conversation around sleep arrangements. This can lead to resentment and false assumptions being made by each of you.

    3. Be mindful of how your sex life is affected by your sleep arrangements.

    One very practical reason to sleep in the same bed is that you are in the same place at the same time alone, giving you the chance to be intimate with one another.

    If I just fall asleep on the couch before going to bed, there is a much lower chance I am going to be up for getting intimate with my husband. If you are parents, practically you need the late hours of the night to be able to have the privacy required to have intercourse.

    Separate beds or separate rooms can become barriers to having access to one another sexually.

    This of course does not have to be the case. If you are mindful of each other’s needs and make it a point to be available to one another at other times of the day or are willing to travel across beds or even rooms to be intimate, then it is possible to keep a thriving sex life under this arrangement.

    Nonetheless, we know that a sexless marriage can be one factor that leads to divorce. Keep tabs on if your sleeping arrangement is affecting your sex life is a good way to determine if something is amiss in your relationship.

    Loving your spouse well often means sacrifice.

    Depending on your circumstances that sacrifice may look like buying ear plugs so you can remain close in the night to your chainsaw snoring spouse. It can also look like giving up your side of the bed so your baby and Momma have a safe space to rest together during those harrowing early months of life.

    If we want our marriages to thrive we have to be careful to be taking steps closer to one another, showing each other love and consideration in our every decision.

    Let that be your guide on how you navigate rest as you share your lives with one another.

    Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/Prostock-Studio

    Amanda Idleman is a writer whose passion is to encourage others to live joyfully. She writes devotions for My Daily Bible Verse Devotional and Podcast, Crosswalk Couples Devotional, the Daily Devotional App, she has work published with Her View from Home, on the MOPS Blog, and is a regular contributor for Crosswalk.com. She has most recently published a devotional, Comfort: A 30 Day Devotional Exploring God’s Heart of Love for Mommas. You can find out more about Amanda on her Facebook Page or follow her on Instagram.

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    Amanda Idleman

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  • Mean Girls Have Been Around for a Long Time

    Mean Girls Have Been Around for a Long Time

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    I saw the trailer for Mean Girls being promoted. Twenty years after its original release, it is now a musical adaptation promising to be a production extravaganza with easy-to-remember tunes and spectacular choreography. It got me thinking that we do have a fascination with mean girls, the popular bullies who make life miserable for others.

    People have contradicting feelings toward mean girls. Just think of the Mean Girls movie set on a campus. The stereotypical mean girls are the cheerleaders, walking around in their cute uniforms. They are the high school’s team spirit generators. Many admire them, but many hate them too. They are admired because they usually are good-looking. They have the power to get what they want and even influence some administrators. But they also make life difficult for the underdogs.  

    In a 2018 article she wrote in Psychology Today, Katie Hurley said, “The ‘mean girl’ narrative is so ingrained in our culture that many consider it a ‘rite of passage’ of sorts when it comes to surviving girlhood.” That means one must grin and bear the existence of and maltreatment by these power-tripping girls and pray they get out alive! And if you suffer from poor mental health from constant bullying, well, you can seek treatment to “get over it.”

    Kirsten was the guest speaker at a women’s event. She admitted to exhibiting mean girl behavior in the past. She said, “I created pain in others!” This aggression resulted from losing her mom when she was only 12. Unable to properly process her grief from her loss, and without a mother to guide her to womanhood, she started watching how other young girls and women behaved. Her young mind was impressed by the beautiful, popular, mean girls at school. They got the best of everything and everyone. She decided that becoming one of them was her key to happiness. No one needed to know that she was in pain. She would cause the pain!

    “There’s a complex web of insecurity, anxiety, and conditioned attitudes that underlies the mean girl stereotype,” a Newport Academy article said. This means the power-tripping mean girl is basically like any other teenager—an immature individual going through self-esteem issues. There’s a lot of growing up and navigation happening within this person’s body, physically, emotionally, mentally, and socially. And left to her own whims and fantasies, she can choose to be part of the “queen bee” group and make life a living nightmare for someone else to mask her own difficulties. 

    The Mean Girls of the Bible

    As Solomon says, “There is nothing new under the sun” (Ecclesiastes 1:9). Mean girls have been in existence for thousands of years. Some of them have grown into women, yet never learned to shed their ugly behavior to do the right thing. Let’s look at some of them.

    “Ahab the son of Omri reigned over Israel in Samaria twenty-two years. And Ahab the son of Omri did evil in the sight of the Lord, more than all who were before him. And as if it had been a light thing for him to walk in the sins of Jeroboam the son of Nebat, he took for his wife Jezebel the daughter of Ethbaal king of the Sidonians, and went and served Baal and worshiped him. He erected an altar for Baal in the house of Baal, which he built in Samaria. And Ahab made an Asherah. Ahab did more to provoke the Lord, the God of Israel, to anger than all the kings of Israel before him” (1 Kings 16:29-33). 

    Here’s Ahab, who was influenced by his wife, Jezebel, to turn away from the One True God of Israel to become an idolater. Knowing how much God hated graven images and their worship, Ahab provoked his own King.

    Enter Elijah, God’s prophet, who came to Ahab to let him know that God spoke of a drought. During the dry years and while Elijah was away, Jezebel had killed most of God’s prophets except for the 100 hidden away by Obadiah (a man who feared the Lord and oversaw Ahab’s household) in caves.

    In the third year of the drought, there was an “accidental” meeting between Obadiah and Elijah. Elijah, again, was bringing the Word of God to Ahab. This was the message: “You have abandoned the commandments of the Lord and followed the Baals. Now therefore send and gather all Israel to me at Mount Carmel, and the 450 prophets of Baal and the 400 prophets of Asherah, who eat at Jezebel’s table” (1 Kings 18:18-19). 

    God made it known who He was and that Elijah was His mouthpiece through a miraculous battle. And all the prophets of Baal were slaughtered by Elijah:

    “Ahab told Jezebel all that Elijah had done, and how he had killed all the prophets with the sword. Then Jezebel sent a messenger to Elijah, saying, ‘So may the gods do to me and more also, if I do not make your life as the life of one of them by this time tomorrow.’ Then [Elijah] was afraid, and he arose and ran for his life…” (1 Kings 19:1-3). 

    Perhaps cowering in fear of Jezebel’s wrath, Ahab decided that it was best to break the bad news of the slaying of Baal’s prophets to his mean-spirited wife to stir up her anger. Then, there’s Elijah who allowed a bully’s message to extinguish the fire of God’s victory. He succumbed to becoming a mean girl’s emotional and mental hostage.

    Then there’s Herodias and her daughter’s story. They used their influence to send someone to die.

    “For Herod had seized John and bound him and put him in prison for the sake of Herodias, his brother Philip’s wife, because John had been saying to him, ‘It is not lawful for you to have her.’ And though he wanted to put him to death, he feared the people, because they held him to be a prophet. But when Herod’s birthday came, the daughter of Herodias danced before the company and pleased Herod, so that he promised with an oath to give her whatever she might ask. Prompted by her mother, she said, ‘Give me the head of John the Baptist here on a platter.’ And the king was sorry, but because of his oaths and his guests he commanded it to be given. He sent had John beheaded in prison, and his head was brought on a platter and given to the girl, and she brought it to her mother.” Matthew 14:3-11

    An adulterous relationship was confronted by John and the involved parties didn’t like the message. The mean girls’ team of mother and daughter worked together to execute a perfect death plan. “Off with John’s head!” was the special request to the king. And then there was no more voice of righteousness to convict Herod and Herodias of their affair.

    Evil Begets Evil!

    Why is it so important to be the top dog? Kirsten, the guest speaker, said she used to scope out the room to find the current reigning “queen” and strategically planned her fall. Kirsten needed to be the alpha female and did everything in her power to make it happen!

    A mean girl’s desire to control everything begins when her life is in chaos! Jezebel’s prophets of Baal were dead, and she needed to punish Elijah for this. Herodias didn’t want to be reminded of her sin, so she needed to remove John from the picture. James said, “Sin when it is fully grown brings forth death” (1:15).

    Let’s wake up and see the truth! Mean girls are not worth emulating, even if they are portrayed as the popular people in society and are sometimes celebrated on TV, film, and social media! Mean girl motivations are wrong, and they need to be corrected before they destroy others. Just think of the influence of Jezebel to her husband and Herodias to her daughter. Not good at all! 

    The Apostle Paul said, “Take no part in the unfruitful works of darkness, but instead expose them. For it is shameful to even speak of the things that they do in secret. But when anything is exposed by the light, it becomes visible, for anything that becomes visible is light. Therefore it says, ‘Awake, O sleeper, and arise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you’” (Ephesians 5:11-14).

    In the end, mean girls will also destroy themselves. Just watch the ending of the Mean Girls movie, if you get the chance. The Apostle Paul encourages us to “look carefully then how [we] walk, not as unwise but as wise!” while there is still time (Ephesians 5:15).

    Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/MangoStar_Studio

    Luisa Collopy is an author, speaker and a women’s Bible study teacher. She also produces Mula sa Puso (From the Heart) in Tagalog (her heart language), released on FEBC Philippines stations. Luisa loves spending time with her family over meals and karaoke!

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    Luisa Collopy

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  • 6 Principles to Help You Love Other People, Even Difficult Ones

    6 Principles to Help You Love Other People, Even Difficult Ones

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    Jesus said the greatest command is to love God, but the second greatest command is to love people. I will admit that sometimes loving people seems like a much bigger challenge than loving God. Yet we are commanded throughout the Bible to love people. So to help you, I want to share six principles that will help you do this.

    The reason God can command every believer to love is because he loved us first. This truth alone removes every excuse you could possibly give for not loving other people. Any reason you want to bring as evidence why you should not love someone gets overturned by the truth that God loved you first.

    God did not love you when you were good or had everything together. He loved you when you were engaged in your sin, at your worst, when you weren’t even thinking about him. If he can love you when you were at your lowest moments, then surely you can show that same kind of love to other people.

    2. Love Is Not an Emotional Response, It Is a Decision of the Will

    While there are emotional aspects of love, the root of love has nothing to do with emotions. The truth is we don’t feel to love, we will to love. If love was based on our feelings or emotions, then love would be unstable, unsteady, and unpredictable. Your love would change from day to day and moment to moment just as your emotions do.

    Since love is based on your will, that means whether you love someone is a matter of choice. Choosing to love is intentional. That also means choosing not to love is intentional too. We all have people in our lives who are easier to love than others, but the command does not change. When you think of the most difficult person in your life to love, remember that God loved you first. Remembering that truth will help you to choose to love that person.

    3. Choosing Not to Love Is a Form of Self-Righteousness  

    One of the most challenging groups of people to love are those who have hurt you. However, the Bible does not add being hurt by someone as a reason for not loving them. Jesus said it plainly in Matthew:

    “You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you’” (Matthew 5:43-44).

    When someone has hurt you, it is possible you will use that hurt as a reason to justify why you won’t love them. Here’s the problem: You don’t understand what you are really saying. When you choose not to love someone, you are saying they are not worthy of your love or they don’t deserve your love.

    Could there be a more self-righteous statement than that?

    Consider all the times we have hurt God by our sin and disobedience. We don’t deserve his love, but he still gives it anyway. He gives it not because we deserve it but because we need it. In the same way, we don’t love people because they deserve it. We love them because we have been recipients of God’s great and underserved love. So, the same manner you have received love should be the same manner in which you give love.

    4. Love Does Not Mean You Like the Person or That You Will Get Along with That Person

    Sometimes we think to love someone means we must maintain a close relationship with them. This is not always true. Sometimes there may be personality clashes or people you don’t get along with very well. These can be friends or even some family members. In these cases, sometimes it only makes sense to not be too close to them. However, that does not mean you cannot love them. It just means you may have to do it from a distance.

    Corinthians tells us love is patient, kind, not jealous or rude. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. You may not like or agree with a person, but you can still be kind, patient, and not rude. You can care about their well-being and not keep a record of their wrong doings. Let’s not forget you can also pray for them. Notice you pray for them not against them.

    There is one person in my life who is more difficult for me to love than others. Something about his personality and the way he has treated me and other people rubs me the wrong way. However, this does not give me license not to love him. I can still be kind, patient, not rude if I ever encounter him. I may keep my distance, but I can still love him. If I choose not to love him, I am saying he is not worthy of my love, which is a form of self-righteousness, and that is sin.

    One caveat: If you are married, then this principle will apply differently. The main difference is you have made a commitment to your spouse to be with them until death do you part. That covenant requires you to work out any potential differences you and your spouse may have.

    5. Love Does Not Mean Blanket Acceptance

    The world has a misguided view of love. It often defines love as acceptance. According to the world, the evidence you love the person is you love their behavior, their lifestyle, and everything about them. That is not true. Love means you love the person. It does not require you to love their behavior. God loved us while we were sinners, but he did not and does not love the sins we commit.

    There may be people in your life who are engaged in sinful lifestyles you don’t approve of. That does not give you permission to be self-righteous and judgmental. But, we must continue to love the person the same way God still loves sinners today. The challenge we have is separating the behavior from the person. We often tie them together and we often see their sin and define them by their sin.

    This is why God’s love is so different. He looks at our sinful condition and sees our need. Sometimes as Christians we can be quick to judge and when that happens, we lose our compassion. All we see is their sin and we don’t see their need to be set free from that sin.

    When Jesus walked the earth, he had this habit of sitting and eating with sinners. Never once did he accept their sinful lifestyle, condone their sin, or engage in it. However, he knew that they were lost without him, so he had to attempt to reach them. After all, that is why he came. 

    Let’s make sure we are loving sinners and recognizing that loving the sinner does not mean we must love and accept their sin. As we love them, the hope is they would experience the love of God and recognize he wants to call them out of their sin and into a new life in Christ.

    6. Loving Like Jesus Requires Courage

    “Later, Levi invited Jesus and his disciples to his home as dinner guests, along with many tax collectors and other disreputable sinners. (There were many people of this kind among Jesus’ followers)” (Mark 2:15, NLT).

    Tax collectors were among the worst sinners at that time, and people hated them. Yet we find Jesus in Levi’s home with other tax collectors and disreputable sinners sitting down and having a meal. Here is how the Pharisees responded.

    “But when the teachers of religious law who were Pharisees saw him eating with tax collectors and other sinners, they asked his disciples, ‘Why does he eat with such scum?’” (Mark 2:16, NLT).

    If there was social media back then, I am sure this image of Jesus eating with sinners would have gone viral. A Pharisee would have posted this with a caption, Jesus eats with scum or Jesus seen with devious tax collectors and other horrible sinners.

    Jesus knew he would get backlash from the religious leaders, yet he did it anyway. That’s because love takes courage. If you are going to love like Jesus, you will need some courage too. Loving people, especially sinners and those we self-righteously deem as unworthy of our love, is about building bridges. When you seek to do this, sometimes the ones who won’t like the bridge you are trying to build are those in the church. But build them anyway because we have a responsibility to reach those who are lost with the gospel and to go after sheep who may have wandered away. This is going to take courage, but remember if we don’t do it, nobody else will.

    Final Thought

    As you go forward and you choose to love people I will leave you with one thought that sums up why we need to be people who love others.

    “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another” (John 13:34-35).

    Photo credit: ©Getty Images/carles miro

    Clarence L. Haynes Jr. is a speaker, Bible teacher, and co-founder of The Bible Study Club.  He is the author of The Pursuit of Purpose which will help you understand how God leads you into his will. His most recent book is The Pursuit of Victory: How To Conquer Your Greatest Challenges and Win In Your Christian Life. This book will teach you how to put the pieces together so you can live a victorious Christian life and finally become the man or woman of God that you truly desire to be. Clarence is also committed to helping 10,000 people learn how to study the Bible and has just released his first Bible study course called Bible Study Basics. To learn more about his ministry please visit clarencehaynes.com. 

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    Clarence L. Haynes Jr.

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  • 5 Beautiful Reasons God Created Grandparents

    5 Beautiful Reasons God Created Grandparents

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    Have you ever wondered why God created grandparents? For most of us, we couldn’t imagine our lives without them.

    I know I can’t! I was lucky enough to have not just a grandmother, but a great-grandmother too. My grandfathers had passed on before my birth, but we do not forget their lives and legacies.

    God created everything for a purpose, and that didn’t get lost on grandparents. Let’s explore five reasons God created grandparents. 

    1. Grandparents Never Stop Being Parents

    My parents often remind me that I am their little girl. I even tell my own children, they will always be my babies. It does not matter how big they get or what job they have; we are still their parents. This thought overflows from the generation before us. 

    My granny had three children and there were countless times I would hear her correcting them or giving instruction. I used to think it was funny to hear my granny speak to her grown children that way, but it makes perfect sense today. 

    Parenting is not an action you can turn on and off. Grandparents are no longer on the front lines of parenting, but they still have an important role to play. Whenever mom or dad needs advice, support, help, or a shoulder to cry on, they are there. Grandparents also have the unique ability to parent their grandchildren when mom or dad can’t. 

    2. Grandparents Hold the Family Together

    When I became a mother, my views on family became narrower. I often only considered what was happening in my home. My role was to keep my household running, and that often left me in the dark to what was happening in my extended family. Today, I find myself asking my mom or dad about extended family members.

    Grandparents no longer have the responsibility of raising their own children. They have entered a season of life that finds them keeping up with the happenings of the extended family. Often, I would hear my granny or grandma talk about aunts, uncles, and cousins that lived miles from me. They would relay the message when a baby was on the way, someone was graduating from high school, or there was a death in the family. 

    Without my grandparents, I wouldn’t know how my extended family was doing. My grandparents were the glue holding the pieces together. They were the cornerstone of our family. 

    In the Bible, they refer to Jesus as the cornerstone (Ephesians 2:19-20). A cornerstone was the most important part of a structure’s foundation. If the cornerstone failed, the entire building would fall. Without grandparents to keep us together, our families would fall. 

    Grandparents are the ones that keep up with everyone. They plan the family gatherings and check in with family members. As the cornerstone of the family, grandparents make sure that all family members have what they need, and know we love them.

    3. Grandparents Provide a Support System

    Having a support system is so important for any season of life. Personally, I found myself needing a support system when my son, Jackson, turned three. At that time, he was diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome and needed speech and occupational therapy. I had no idea what I was going to do with my husband working full time, and we had a two-year-old daughter. 

    While all this was happening, I learned granny would come to the rescue. She would go with me to therapy appointments and babysit our daughter. Granny always listened when I needed to vent and gave me some of the best advice on earth. 

    Grandparents provide their children and grandchildren with an irreplaceable support system. They can help watch children when mom and dad are working. They can help get the homework done before mom gets home to cook dinner. 

    Grandparents can be a sounding board for their grandchildren as well. Often, children will open up to their grandparents when they won’t with their parents. Children feel like grandma and grandpa will understand them and be less judgmental. I always felt like I could say anything to my grandma, and she would keep my secrets. 

    When grandparents are part of your support system, they greatly reduce the level of family stress. Emotional and behavioral issues in children are reduced and parents can rest easy knowing their children are being cared for when they are at work or handling other daily responsibilities.  

    4. Grandparents Deliver Wisdom to their Families

    Our grandparents know how hard life can be. They also know how much easier we have it now than they did as a child. The lessons they have learned in their lifetime can serve us well if we listen. 

    My daughter asked me several years ago where I learned to sew. I was working on a cross-stitch project, and she wanted to help. As I began teaching her how to thread a needle and begin making the cross-stitch, I was reminded of summers with granny. 

    Granny Annie would babysit me during the summer while mom and dad worked. She always brought her sewing projects to work on. One day I asked her the same question my daughter asked me. She handed me a needle and began teaching me to sew.  

    That wisdom from granny taught me how to mend holes in socks, shirts, and pants. Her lessons and stories made me appreciate the luxuries I had. They also taught me that hard work killed no one. 

    Grandparents deliver wisdom not only to their grandchildren, but their adult children. Anytime I have a problem, I go to mine or my husband’s parents. I know they have raised children and most likely dealt with whatever I am dealing with before. 

    Grandparents offer a special place to gain wisdom just as the Lord offers us the Holy Spirit to gain wisdom and knowledge. 

    5. Grandparents Pass on the Family Legacy

    Throughout the Bible, we can find verses that tell us God commanded His people to tell the next generation of His deeds. God knew how easily we forget what He has done for us. We need reminding, so God created grandparents. 

    Passing on a legacy is about helping those who came after you decide how they want to live their lives. Our grandparents pass on a family legacy by living a certain way and sharing the roots of their family. 

    My great-grandma was always telling us about her life as a young bride and new mother. She talked about giving birth at home before the midwife got there. She would tell us how she had to wash clothes, get food for the family, and help on the farm. My great-grandma has left a legacy of hard work and dedication to her family. 

    There is nothing more precious than the legacy grandparents leave with their family. Passing on stories of their childhood and sharing lessons they learned in life strengthens you. My granny Annie was a strong woman. She worked hard and loved everyone.

    What I remember the most about her was her ability to forgive. She never held a grudge and let bitterness affect her life. That is the life I want to live.

    My grandparents wanted us to always remember where we came from, just as God wants His children to remember what He brought them out of. 

    RELATED PODCAST: Check out this free, inspiring bedtime story for your grandkids!

    Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/monkeybusinessimages

    Ashley Hooker is a freelance writer who spends her time homeschooling her two children, ministering alongside her husband as he pastors a rural church in West Virginia, and writing about her faith. Currently, she is a contributing author for Journey Christian magazine. She has taken part in mission trips with the NC Baptist Men during the devastation of Hurricanes Katrina and Harvey in Mississippi and Texas. In her local church, she has served on various committees focusing in the area of evangelism along with traveling to West Virginia and Vermont to share the Gospel. Her dream is to spend her time writing and sharing the love of Christ with all she meets.

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  • How My Husband and I Restored Emotional Trust in Our Marriage

    How My Husband and I Restored Emotional Trust in Our Marriage

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    My husband and I reluctantly entered the room with our new marriage counselor. We were both anxious about the upcoming conversations and hopeful that bringing an outsider into our relationship. The session started with a comprehensive family history, which revealed our parents had remained married, thankfully upping our chances of overcoming the issues that we faced in our union. Yes!

    Next, our counselor asked if we had experienced any major breaks in trust. He asked about sexual promiscuity, pornography, financial trust, affairs, and other lies that may have undermined the foundation of trust between us. We answered these questions honestly, revealing that none of these obvious violations had taken place between us. He cheerfully reported the odds of our success looked good! We left feeling encouraged. 

    We stayed faithful to our counseling sessions and made some progress toward healing. We soon felt we were doing well enough to step back from attending these sessions. Fast forward a few years, and the issues between us had grown. We felt more lost and hopeless in our relationship than ever before. 

    We have since resumed counseling a second time with a new therapist and have found the healing that had eluded us the first go around. In retrospect, I realized that the reason why the first time didn’t “take” for us is that the questions about trust overlooked one major area where trust is vital in marriage. Emotional trust had been lost between us. 

    I’d venture to say that one of the primary marriage killers is when emotional trust is broken. This can be harder to spot, understand, and manage because it’s much more subtle than the traditional big breaks we know bring marriages to an end. 

    It starts when we go to our partner with a need, a want, a failure, a desire, and we are rejected many times over. Eventually, what happens is we start building walls that keep us insulated from our spouse. We no longer trust each other with the important stuff. 

    Our Story 

    In our home, it got so bad that I was nervous to ask my husband to do small tasks, such as passing me a fork. I was worried that any request could be used against me, but I wouldn’t know until I asked for something more taxing, such as emotional support for the stress I was feeling as a mom. Then, the way I asked for a fork the day earlier would be ammunition as to why I was either chronically at fault, I was failing as a wife, and ultimately, as a reason not to show me love and support when I needed it. I would grow more hurt and distraught, confirming my husband’s feelings that I was “crazy,” too emotional, unreasonable, unsafe, and all around not worth it. 

    This kind of cycle of distrust, bitterness, disunity, and unhealthy communication grows unbearable over time. Though we were deeply committed to our marriage, the lack of emotional trust had corroded any goodwill that we were clinging to in our marriage. At the end of our 15th year of marriage, I told my husband with utter honesty that I no longer believed he loved me. He liked the idea of me; he appreciated my ability to run a house well, take care of our kids, and generally support him. Yet, me, as the one he declared to have and to hold until death, the one he nervously got on one knee to propose to, the one that he shared so many firsts with, that me he had lost sight of and only worked to guard himself against in the present moment. 

    Long story short, we were at a crisis point. Our commitment to marriage was about convenience, kids, and expediency. Emotional intimacy was a pipe dream that neither of us understood how to realize. 

    You, like me, are probably starting to feel hopeless. I was without hope. I asked my husband to leave because I honestly believed I was only making him miserable. His refusal to leave felt like more of a punishment than a commitment to love me. I was so burdened by the role of ‘failing wife’ that I wished for separation more than I hoped for change. But God. 

    God is the defining difference in being able to overcome a truly dark cycle of bitterness. Without our mutual, separate, yet unified decisions to give up all our own efforts and instead cry out to God to heal the things we could not change on our own, our marriage would still be on the fast track to destruction. We had done everything we could over the prior 15 years to manage our own broken tendencies, but the one thing we were unable to achieve on our own was true repentance and forgiveness.

    Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/monkeybusinessimages 

    The Steps Towards Repentance 

    This is the part of the story where wonder and mystery intersect with practical work and effort. God does this crazy thing where he changes us completely in ways we can’t quite quantify while also telling us to use wisdom to partner with his life-changing Spirit. We did the thing we knew to do, which was go back to counseling. My husband went a step further and found his own personal counselor and did some extra work on his own to discover where the tension and closed-offness had originated in his life. 

    Not all men are the same, but I know in our case, things had got so tense between us that he honestly could not hear me anymore. The more I worked to explain, the more disdain for me grew in his heart, and I could feel it. He needed someone else to talk to that he could trust, and that would feel safe for him to really explore all that he was struggling with. I believe his individual counseling from a Spirit-filled man helped lead him toward repentance. 

    In the meantime, all I could do was let go. I had to let go of a cloud of ugly words that had been exchanged between us. I had to ask God to allow me to forgive myself. I had been weaker, less able, meaner, more frail of a wife than I ever imagined I would be. The weight of guilt I felt for being anxious, depressed, needy, naggy, or whatever the word was that filled my head that day became crushing. 

    I needed God to help me to forgive my husband. He had not loved me well when I needed support. He had no idea how to let me into his life; he had never learned. From a young age he learned how to build strong emotional walls that kept him safe from sadness and all other unpleasant feelings. Then came a woman filled with empathy, looking for support. As soon as my emotions came out, his walls went up. It was a recipe for hurt that played out many times over fifteen years of marriage. Only Jesus has the power to re-write those kinds of broken stories. 

    I asked God to change the way I saw my husband. I wanted God’s eyes for this man I had committed to love. I still pray that he would help me see the things that sometimes bother me as a blessing. We are different, which sometimes makes being together tricky, but our differences don’t make us wrong; they just require us to be a little more patient sometimes. I had grown quite impatient with my husband. I started being more open with our village. We needed more than ourselves to climb out of this pit. I showed up at counseling again. I asked God to help him hear me and see me because that was the thing that had been lost between us over time.

    We also began praying together each night. 

    The Miracle

    Somewhere over the course of the last year, which happened to also be a very stressful year for us, God started changing us, and the reason I know repentance and forgiveness are covering us is that I can feel the fruits of the spirit at work between us again. I have peace while in the room with my husband again. I can trust that he will do all he can to be self-controlled when it comes to his reactions to my needs. Joy can be shared between us when we are alone together. These are the markers of a trustworthy change. Freedom from a dark cycle of painful interactions is rising up in our marriage! God is gracious. 

    The Takeaway 

    I share this first to let you know that if you and your spouse are in that dark corner of hopelessness for your marriage and you are safe from abuse, desiring to find a path towards repentance, God is able. 

    You have to be willing to give up your every right and let God give you his eyes of love for your spouse. There is no easy, painless road to repentance when years of discord have resulted in the place you are now. You have to confront the ugly and then patiently hand it over to Jesus. Trusting him to give you a new way of being. 

    Here is a reminder as your journey towards freedom in marriage is that we are not the Savior of our partner. An important step in my going to God was also giving the outcome to him. No part of me was able to change my husband to be the man I needed him to be. I knew if we could not get off our ugly roller coaster, one of us would have to get off alone at some point. I had to trust God if that was the outcome, too. 

    Marriage was not made to be a cage that traps us, but it’s a fireplace that keeps our passion, love, and families safe. Freedom from an unhealthy relationship can look like repentance, and sometimes it looks like separation. God is with us on either journey, and both are hard. Wherever you are I pray that God would do immeasurably more than you could ask or imagine on your behalf (Ephesians 3:20). He is able!

    Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/Sam Edwards 

    Amanda Idleman is a writer whose passion is to encourage others to live joyfully. She writes devotions for My Daily Bible Verse Devotional and Podcast, Crosswalk Couples Devotional, the Daily Devotional App, she has work published with Her View from Home, on the MOPS Blog, and is a regular contributor for Crosswalk.com. She has most recently published a devotional, Comfort: A 30 Day Devotional Exploring God’s Heart of Love for Mommas. You can find out more about Amanda on her Facebook Page or follow her on Instagram.

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  • What to Do When You Want to Seek Revenge

    What to Do When You Want to Seek Revenge

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    There are those who daydream of ponies and picnics, and then there is me… dreaming of the ways I can take revenge on my enemies. 

    When we hear ‘revenge,’ we often think of slashing tires and egging houses, or worse. But revenge can be much simpler. Sometimes our success is ‘revenge.’ We dream of the day our enemy scrolls through social media to see our radical weight loss transformation or our beautiful European vacation. We can even “spiritualize” our revenge. We pick “good” goals in our lives to shame our enemies. But this revenge is just as sinister. And just as tempting. There is something about revenge… 

    What Does the Bible Say About Revenge?

    Every time I feel bent on revenge, I read Romans 12. Romans 12 is very anti-revenge, as you can imagine. Although there are plenty of Bible verses condemning our fantasies of revenge, Romans 12 lays it all out for us. Starting in verse 14 it reads, “Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse.” In verse 17, it continues, “Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath.” 

    I could not have said it better myself, “Do not take revenge.” No arguing with that. Short and simple, straight to the point. But did you notice that the Scripture calls us “my dear friends”? In our dark moments when revenge feels so tempting, our pain is recognized in that sentiment. Often, those seeking revenge are seeking retribution for some kind of hurt or injustice. Although we are asked not to take revenge, we are simultaneously seen in our suffering. Do not see God’s command as a dismissal of whatever you may have gone through or experienced. God sees you and cares. In fact, He cares far too much to allow you to take revenge. He would rather handle that part for you. 

    Will They Just ‘Get Away with It’?

    It is difficult to let go of the idea of revenge because it can feel as though we let our enemy off the hook. But right after we are asked not to take revenge, we are reminded to “leave room for God’s wrath” (v 19). 

    Do not forget that we serve a God who cares about justice. He cares about our tears, our suffering, and our wounds. He will not stand idle. When we choose to take revenge into our own hands, we are actually taking from God. God is our avenger; leave space for His working hand. 

    Choosing self-control over revenge does not mean we have let someone get away with something. Rather, it shows our strength to trust in God to fight our battles. The rest of verse 19 says, “’It is mine to avenge; I will repay’, says the Lord.” Leave justice to God. 

    When God asks us to refrain from revenge, He is not excusing bad behavior on behalf of the other party. He is not minimizing your pain or the issue at hand. He is simply saying to leave room for Him. He will handle it, my dear friend. 

    What Do I Do Instead?

    Romans 12 continues to describe the anti-revenge plan to us in verse 20. It reads, “On the contrary: ‘If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.’ Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.” 

    Romans gives us God’s alternative to revenge: kindness. Do not mistake kindness for weakness. Our deepest strength is displayed when we turn an evil situation into something good. We stop the evil that has been perpetrated against us in its tracks. We do not allow ourselves to be overcome by that evil. As Proverbs 25:20 says, when we choose kindness and generosity towards our enemies over revenge, God will reward us. 

    What Will God Do When I Choose Kindness Over Revenge?

    When we choose kindness over revenge, we acknowledge God as our protector. God cares about whatever you are going through, and He wants to defend and protect you. When you feel tempted to take matters into your own hands, remember these Scriptures that describe God as our ultimate shield and protector: 

    “Our soul waits for the LORD; He is our help and our shield.” Psalm 33:20

    “The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and he helps me…” Psalm 28:7

    “The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield and the horn of my salvation. He is my stronghold, my refuge and my savior—from violent people you save me.” 2 Samuel 22:3

    “The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.” Psalm 18:2

    “As for God, his way is perfect: The LORD’s word is flawless; he shields all who take refuge in him.” Psalm 18:30

    “But the Lord is faithful. He will establish you and guard you against the evil one.” 2 Thessalonians 3:3

    “But You, O LORD, are a shield about me. My glory, and the One who lifts my head.” Psalm 3:3

    I love the imagery of God as my shield. He is there to take the arrows for me. He goes before me. He will sacrifice Himself for my protection. He is my Protector. When I desire revenge, I envision God as my shield, and I feel the space to be vulnerable and trust that He will keep me safe. 

    What’s in It for Me?

    Often, the sweet victory we imagine does not quite come. Revenge in our imagination can feel intoxicating. In practice, however, it can feel anticlimactic. Typically, revenge does not feel as good as we think it will feel. In fact, revenge only offers temporary relief at best. At worst, it makes us feel worse. 

    When reading Romans 12, we see that the best ‘revenge’ is kindness. Kindness from someone you have wounded can sting. But this is the type of sting that is transformative. Revenge multiplies wounds. Kindness opens opportunities. When we choose the road of kindness, we free ourselves from the spell of bitterness and we give our enemies the chance at redemption and reconciliation. We open the doors for mutual healing. And ultimately, we glorify God. 

    I believe God asks us to leave Him the role of avenger partly to protect us. He knows that vengeance delays healing. He is a much better dealer of justice than we are, anyway. When we choose God’s way, we no longer are shackled to the injustices committed against us. We get to display great strength of character. We get to see our enemies humbled by our kindness. And we get to build a deeper relationship with God. The deepening of this relationship will demonstrate God’s care for us in ways we have never seen before. 

    Next time you desire to take revenge, remember who is fighting for you. God wants to fight this battle for you. He wants to protect you. He wants to transform you in the process. Do not take away what is rightfully God’s, as He says, “It is mine to avenge, I will repay.” Revenge does not belong to us. God will watch over you. 

    Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/SIphotography

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  • 6 Reasons Why Counseling Is a Saving Grace for a Troubled Marriage

    6 Reasons Why Counseling Is a Saving Grace for a Troubled Marriage

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    Marriage is a beautiful covenant between two people who love each other. It is the best example on earth of the relationship between Jesus and his bride, the church. But humans, as we have seen in Genesis in the garden of Eden, can have difficulty in their relationships. Nothing is truer than difficulties in marriage. Marriage is hard work. Marriages have ups and downs, highs and lows. But sometimes marriages can feel as if they’ve reached their breaking point, with no hope of ever returning to the fruitful relationship God meant it to be. God wants us to put our very best into our marriages. No couple should consider divorce until they have gone through the counseling process. Although counseling still has a stigma among Christians as for being for people who have serious psychological problems or mental illnesses, counseling can be a great tool for even the most difficult marriages. Here are six reasons why counseling is the saving grace for her troublesome marriage:

    1. It helps process pain.

    Each couple brings baggage into their relationship. This includes emotional trauma, childhood wounds, and emotional voids that can only be filled with Christ. However, some people try to fill it with their spouse, believing that if they just love their spouse enough and their spouse loves them, they will fill the hole in their soul that can only be filled with Christ. A counselor can help each couple process their personal pain. They may also be able to draw connections between the issues in their past and their current relationship issues. If the dots between past pain and current marriage issues are connected properly, a counselor can help couples with tools and strategies for better communication and healing past pain so that they can interact with each other in positive, healthy ways.

    2. It gives hope in the future.

    When a marriage is at its worst, it is easy for couples to over-dramatize, believing their marriage is unsalvageable. As long as the marriage is rooted in Christ, anything is possible. Those couples who put their hope in God can also find hope for their future as married couples. If even one spouse remains hopeful that their marriage can be saved, both spouses can work together to take responsibility for their issues, correct their behaviors, and move forward with a positive outlook for their marriage. As long as both spouses vow they will not give up and commit to persevere, there is still hope their marriage can be saved. Even a marriage destroyed by adultery can still have hope for its future. With the power of forgiveness and through Christ’s sacrifice on the cross, there is nothing a couple can’t endure with Christ at the center.

    3. You get a third party’s perspective.

    Jesus Christ acted as a mediator toward us in God. In every situation, we were not meant to be alone. It is always good to get another party’s perspective on an issue. When a couple is working through a difficult situation, each sees it through their own lens. A third party who is not invested in the issue can see it and give an unbiased opinion on what to do. The counselor can also help balance the scales when it comes to placing blame and each couple taking responsibility for their part in the issue. It is easy for couples to take the blame on the other and pretend it’s all the other person’s fault. Yet, they both have contributed to the marriage’s failure. Any marriage can be saved if a couple is willing to see the issue for what it is and pursue a resolution with humility and grace.

    4. Help with communication.

    Communication breakdown is one of the main issues in every marriage. When spouses cannot communicate with each other and trust is broken, they can be deceived into thinking it is easier to break up than it is to persevere. A counselor can give practical tips and strategies for each spouse to communicate and ways the other person can understand. A counselor will help each spouse communicate with each other in a way that makes the other feel heard, their feelings validated, and feel less blamed or attacked. When spouses can communicate in ways that communicate needs rather than attack the other’s character, trust and intimacy can be rebuilt.

    For example, a popular tool some counselors use is “I” statements. When couples fight, it is easy to make statements using the word you as the focus. One spouse may say, “you never help around the house,” which makes the other spouse feel like their efforts are not appreciated. The spouse can instead say, “I feel unappreciated when I do the majority of the work around the house,” communicating their need and a specific way without making the other feel like their efforts are not good enough. Further, the counselor can help understand the real need behind the statement. Is the problem just that the spouse one spouse does most of the household chores? Or is there a deeper emotional need that needs to be filled?

    5. Rebuild trust.

    Once trust is broken in a relationship, it is difficult to get back. And it doesn’t mean that it is impossible; a very good counselor can help give you homework and assignments to complete during your sessions. This may include having each person journal their feelings separately and then coming together to discuss them. The counselor may also give specific rules for communication as a way to stop the conversation if the statements become more attack and blame rather than communicating needs and desires.

    Every person wants to feel wanted by the other. But one spouse may keep the other at arm’s length if they feel they cannot trust them. By taking baby steps toward rebuilding trust, intimacy can be achieved in both spouses can achieve their need for connection and intimacy.

    6. Apply the Bible.

    Christian couples’ desires for Christ should be at the center of their marriage. However, both come from different denominational and theological backgrounds. Therefore, their interpretation of Scripture might be very different from each other. A third party, particularly a Christian counselor, can help them apply Scripture in a way that makes both the husband and wife feel needed, valued, and appreciated in their relationship. For example, it is common for couples to misinterpret or misapply the Ephesians 5 passage on marriage. A counselor can help each part of the couple fulfill their biblical duties yet give their input into situations and feel their opinions are valued and appreciated. By allowing someone from a different theological background to help them interpret the Bible in a healthy way for their marriage, a counselor can help clear up any misconceptions and allow them to apply biblical principles yet still feel as though both parties are equal partners in their relationship.

    Counseling is an excellent strategy for spouses on the brink of divorce. However, counseling does not need to be saved for when the marriage is in crisis mode. If you are in constant conflict with your spouse and communicating less, it may be time to see a counselor. You can refrain from allowing small situations to explode into significant conflicts by nipping issues in the bud.

    Photo credit: ©GettyImages/jacoblund

    Michelle S. Lazurek is a multi-genre award-winning author, speaker, pastor’s wife, and mother. She is a literary agent for Wordwise Media Services and a certified writing coach. Her new children’s book Who God Wants Me to Be encourages girls to discover God’s plan for their careers. When not working, she enjoys sipping a Starbucks latte, collecting 80s memorabilia, and spending time with her family and her crazy dog. For more info, please visit her website www.michellelazurek.com.

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  • 7 Ways to Make Sure Your Spouse Doesn’t Become Just a Roommate

    7 Ways to Make Sure Your Spouse Doesn’t Become Just a Roommate

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    Ever notice how the candy aisle in the grocery store dictates what season it is? When my teenagers were younger, we used to call it the “fun aisle.” I’d say, “Do you all want to go down the fun aisle today and see what they have”? Still today, it’s filled with candy, toys, gifts, dishes, and more!

    How is it that we easily want to please our children with candy and toys in the seasonal aisle, but we can let the season we’re in at home steal our attention from our spouse? Sometimes, we can become caretakers to our children and more like roommates to our spouses.

    I remember thinking early on in marriage, “Who would ever just become like a roommate to their spouse? Certainly not me because that doesn’t happen to someone who waited so long to get married (I was 33, he was 41 when we got married).” Boy, was I wrong. Becoming more like a roommate can happen to any of us, especially if we aren’t on guard to prioritize our spouse. Little by little, we slip into merely occupying the same physical space but not the same heart space.

    It’s easy to justify going to bed without praying together or without giving each other a good night kiss. Sometimes, even leaving your spouse to clean up the dishes from dinner and retreating to bed without an “I love you” or “Thank you for doing the dishes tonight” can lead to further roommate status when you don’t have that time to connect (or the reverse is true in the morning).

    It’s easy to give attention to who’s the loudest in the room, and sometimes that’s our children. They demand a lot from us (but we love them!), and sometimes their requests leave us feeling depleted toward our spouse. All perfect set-ups to think, “I’ll talk with her later” or “He knows I love him,” and we slip further away from the love and passion we experienced when we first married.

    My husband and I both work from home. We’re grateful that we have work that allows us to be more flexible in our home and work-life flow. People often say, “Oh, you must go out on romantic dates while you’re both home,” and we have done that some. But it’s not as romantic when you have bed hair, smelly breath, and just want to get some caffeine in you after you drop off the kids at school.

    I have seen that I can be a happier spouse when I implement just a few things that show I don’t want to become just his roommate but the woman he fell in love with and that he stays in love with.

    We all know that, mathematically, seven isn’t a perfect number (its factors don’t add up to 7 – I had to look that one up!). But to God, it was a perfect number. He created everything within six days and rested on the seventh day. Thus, seven is considered complete or perfect.

    We are not perfect (we know!), neither is our love for our spouse. But God’s love is perfect and covers us, including how we relate to our spouse. Love is not an easy road moving forward, but actually, love is even more powerful when it comes to the winding paths we take with our spouse and even recovering from the bumps and hills along the way.

    No list of things we can do will make marriage more likely to succeed or less likely to feel like you’re polar opposites, just like the earth, moon, and stars when they span the sky and don’t line up (which only happens 4-7 times per year that they line up as an eclipse, according to NASA). Gives new meaning to the hit song “Total Eclipse of the Heart” by Bonnie Tyler, doesn’t it?

    So how do we eclipse the thought, “You’re more my roommate than my spouse”? Here are some ideas:

    1. It takes an intentional shift, but when you can ask yourself: “How should I show my spouse that I love them by serving them even though they haven’t offered this to me?” It puts your heart in a position of humility to love unconditionally, which spouses have promised to do.

    2. When you do a chore or job before your spouse has a chance to do it, it shows them that you took the time to notice something they usually do. It’s a quiet way of saying, “I notice what you do for me.” And if they don’t notice, it puts your heart in a place to receive from God, even if not from your spouse. God is always faithful to meet our needs.

    3. Often, we’re so busy doing what we need to do in a day’s time that we don’t stop to ask, “What is a highlight of your day right now? What’s hard for you right now? How are you feeling about (fill in the blank with something you know they are struggling with)? I often try to ask my husband one question like this each morning or evening. Sometimes, I’m not consistent, but I try to show him that I care about him, not just because we live in the same house but because we are one. God sees us as such, and I want to see him as my life partner, not just the person I share a home with.

    4. When you ask your spouse: “What is something that I do that annoys you and what is something I do that affirms you?” you can really take care of anything that you aren’t aware of that has come into your relationship. Roommates often move on or move out and don’t always address what might be between them. This is where overcoming the roommate syndrome can really be advantageous for you both as a couple to move past barriers.

    5. One day I noticed that my husband was always last to sit down at dinner. It felt like I was either eating by myself at the table or with whatever kids were home at the time. Finally, I asked him about it, and he said, “Growing up, it bothered me that dirty dishes were in the sink, so now it’s hard for me to sit down and eat when there are dirty dishes in the sink from food prep.” After almost 20 years of marriage, that was so helpful to know. He wasn’t avoiding conversation or sitting with me at the table; he wanted to take care of the dishes. Unless you ask the questions on your mind, you can’t grow closer to understanding each other and your backgrounds.

    6. Showing romantic love toward your spouse can look different for men and women. Men often receive love through physical expression and women through emotional empathy and listening. When we flip sides and start thinking more about how our spouse likes to receive love, it can help us to see that in a healthy marriage, one partner is not more need-oriented or selfish. Both need to express themselves in a romantic relationship. It’s not always about what your spouse needs from you, but what you can express that will draw your spouse to you. That’s true love!

    7. It doesn’t get lost on me that when I disappoint my husband, or he disappoints me, there is a safety net that catches us. I want to be the one who doesn’t hold something against him but releases him into the net. God will meet him there, and God will meet me when I crash into the net. It’s natural to blame or shift the focus onto the other person, but when we can treat our spouse with forgiveness and a deep love that roommates don’t have, like a married couple, we are able to say, “I forgive you, and my life is matched with yours and yours with mine. You aren’t perfect, and I am not, but we are loved by a God who thought enough of us to bring us together and to help us walk out living as life partners, not just temporary roommates.”

    Do you know the one thing that is good about getting older? We literally forget more easily! Our brains have been retaining so much knowledge and carry so much. I find that if we feel more like roommates one day, we get the chance to start over, and often, one of us will forget something the other said. Roommates often hold onto words because it’s all they have. But spouses let go of words said that don’t line up with who the person is and instead love them faithfully as if you can’t live without them. This is the bond of married couples that God has put in us because he values the covenant relationship between him and each other. So much so that he gives us seasons in life and seasons in our marriage. It’s not easy, but like a kid in the “fun aisle,” we can enjoy the aisle we have walked down together and continue to look for the treats in life that we get to experience together.

    Photo credit: © Getty Images/monkeybusinessimages

    Blythe Daniel is a literary agent, author, and marketer. Her agency markets books through podcasts, blogs, and launch teams and represents books to publishers. Blythe was the publicity director for Thomas Nelson Publishers and has been a literary agent for the past 16 years. Blythe has written for Proverbs 31 Ministries, Ann Voskamp, Focus on the Family, CCM Magazine, Christian Retailing, and others. Blythe and her mother have co-authored two books: Mended: Restoring the Hearts of Mothers and Daughters (Harvest House) and I Love You Mom: Cherished Word Gifts from My Heart to Yours (Tyndale). She is married and lives in Colorado with her family.

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  • 5 Aspects of True Love towards Your Spouse

    5 Aspects of True Love towards Your Spouse

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    My husband and I have been married for twenty-three years. The first few Valentine’s Days we spent together were very romantic as each one of us tried to demonstrate our love to each other with grander gestures each year.

    However, as the years went on, it became more difficult to think about the upcoming Valentine’s Day or how to show each other love in ways we hadn’t previously.

    Some years we felt we had gotten stuck in a rut in our marriage and were just going through the motions. We simply did things just to please the other person, and not because we really felt like it.

    Although feelings are not the ultimate indicators of whether we should show love to each other, it does make a difference. Deep feelings create a sense of motivation and urgency. When we feel motivated by something, we’re more apt to do it.

    Because love matures, we have had to understand truly the meaning of the word love.

    Agape love is defined as, “…in the New Testament, the fatherly love of God for humans, as well as the human reciprocal love for God. In Scripture, the transcendent agape love is the highest form of love and is contrasted with eros, or erotic love, and philia, or brotherly love.”

    We often throw the word love around for different things, diminishing the word’s meaning. For example, we may say we love ice cream, and we say we love our spouse. However, we love our spouses differently than we love inanimate objects.

    Love is not just something to make us feel good; it’s an action that is centered around the other person’s thoughts and feelings.

    Here are 5 characteristics that I have learned about true, agape love:

    1. True Love Means Humility

    True love cannot occur if both parties are set in their ways and too prideful to acknowledge the other person’s thoughts and feelings.

    It is difficult to strike a balance between meeting your own needs and wanting to serve the other person. However, if we change our mindset to one that our lives are in service to the other, we will understand true love.

    With love, we put aside our pride and humble ourselves. We apologize when necessary. We work out our differences in kind, loving ways. We resolve to end conflict and not let it fester.

    When we lay down our pride and replace it with humility, we experience a love that goes deeper than any other relationship we can experience here on earth. 

    2. True Love Means Forgiveness

    Sometimes the hardest person to forgive is your spouse. This is because they see the best and worst of us. They know our strengths and our weaknesses and sometimes they use it for their own selfish gain, and sometimes we do the same to them.

    However, that’s not love. To love means we forgive other people’s offenses even when they’ve done it multiple times.

    Forgiveness means to put the past behind us and choose not to remember it anymore. God chooses to remember our sins no more; that is how he chooses to forgive. But that does not mean he doesn’t remember; he simply chooses not to remember it.

    It’s the same with us. We cannot forget past hurt and pain. However, as we forgive others the way we’ve been forgiven, the pain becomes less and less.

    God, in his sovereignty, puts salve on our wounds and heals them so that we can forgive our spouses because we realize the grace that has been given to us.

    3. True Love Means Repentance

    Repentance makes it easier for our spouses to forgive us, and vice versa. Simply saying sorry and asking someone to forgive, only to do the act again, is not true repentance.

    True repentance paves the way for intimacy, trust, and deeper bonds both with our spouses and with God.

    It is not easy to change old, sinful habits into new, healthier ones, but with God’s help, anything is possible. Repentance requires that we go to God to acknowledge our sins, and we humbly ask for his forgiveness.

    Once we live in the knowledge of that forgiveness, we choose to not do that behavior anymore, not only because it hurts us, but also hurts our relationships with others.

    Repentance means to do an “about face.” That means we literally turn away from our selfish acts and turn towards the demonstration of the fruit of the spirit to others.

    Repentance is a necessary component of true, agape love that we can have for our spouses.

    4. True Love Means Intimacy

    Many relationships struggle because although the physical intimacy is there, the emotional intimacy is not. Many wives can feel a part of their relationship is missing because their husbands are not emotionally available to them.

    While some men have difficulty with emotions, it is an important part of their overall well-being. It is important for men to get in touch with their emotions so that they can empathize and comfort their wives during difficult times. And it is important for wives to be there for their husbands as they go against society to learn this skill.

    When a woman’s emotional needs are met, more than likely she will reciprocate in a physical way.

    While it’s true that men and women may differ on how they feel the most loved, whether through emotional or physical intimacy, both parties need to be for each other and seek to meet each other’s needs, not their own. 

    5. True Love Means to Exhibit the Fruit of the Spirit

    When the fruits of the spirit are evident in our lives, our relationships thrive. However, when those fruits are missing, relationships get reduced to both parties trying to meet their own selfish needs.

    The fruits of the spirit are love, joy, peace, patience, gentleness, goodness, faithfulness, kindness, and self-control (Gal 5:22-23). When we seek to add these into our lives, we become better people. When we become better people, we want to be better people for our spouses whom we love the most.

    No longer are we looking for others to meet our ultimate needs, but rather we have our identity solidified in Christ. All these fruits have one thing in common: they seek to be others-centered. We can’t be selfish when we’re exhibiting these types of fruits in our lives.

    A person who wants to develop more fruit of the spirit knows that to be the best person they can be, they must have their foundational emotional needs met by God. They need to have their identity solidified in Him and understand that their worth and value were settled on the cross, not in other people’s opinions of them.

    When they can reconcile this in their minds and hearts, they will seek to be people who strive to be tangible representations of Christ.

    Love is a word that gets thrown around a lot in our society. But few of us know what true love really is.

    As Christians, we understand what true love is as we look at the witness of Christ. However, we may feel as if we fall short because we are not like Christ and won’t be in this lifetime.

    However, we can strive to emulate Christ’s example by being humble, forgiving others, repenting of our selfish behaviors, meeting others’ emotional needs and exhibiting the fruit of spirit in our lives.

    When we can do these things, we will understand what true love is. Once we understand that true love, we want to give it to others, including our spouses!

    Photo credit: ©Getty Images/Sam Edwards

    Michelle S. Lazurek is a multi-genre award-winning author, speaker, pastor’s wife, and mother. She is a literary agent for Wordwise Media Services and a certified writing coach. Her new children’s book Who God Wants Me to Be encourages girls to discover God’s plan for their careers. When not working, she enjoys sipping a Starbucks latte, collecting 80s memorabilia, and spending time with her family and her crazy dog. For more info, please visit her website www.michellelazurek.com.

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    Michelle S. Lazurek

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  • When God Is Your Matchmaker

    When God Is Your Matchmaker

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    My husband doesn’t think I’m pretty.

    There’s no mistake or mystery about this. He regularly publicizes his belief.

    It’s not as though I haven’t tried to dissuade him. John just doubles down, citing his education for his unwavering opinion. “I have an art degree.” 

    What am I to do?

    I’ve highlighted my height (or lack thereof). I’ve addressed the ugly—yet unyielding—growth around my girth. Unlike my cute niece, my face lacks dimples. 

    He only shakes his head. To date, he still clings to the belief that I’m not pretty. 

    That’s because he thinks I’m very pretty. 

    I’m not telling you his opinion to brag about my beauty. John is just super biased.

    Let’s just say his view and mine widely diverge. 

    The real reason I share this tidbit is to show one of the many benefits of marrying God’s pick. 

    (Not that I’m insinuating marriage should happen only because of the bride’s beauty or the groom’s broad shoulders. All things equal, however, wouldn’t you rather navigate life with a spouse enraptured, instead of unimpressed, by your looks?)

    John’s and my road to marriage held more stop signs than most. We both had to wait—and wait—before the Lord’s candidate for us materialized. We puttered around in Single Town long after fellow singletons found the elusive exit.

    But it’s precisely this background that qualifies me to issue a warning: Please don’t walk down the aisle for these wrong reasons:

    Loneliness

    Feeling lonely? A recent survey suggests you’re not alone. Around 60% of Americans feel lonely on a regular basis. 

    You might think it makes sense to cure loneliness by getting hitched. After all, people are the best antidote for loneliness. Right? 

    Nope. You can feel lonely regardless of the presence of others. This means you can feel lonely even in a marriage.

    Using marriage as an escape hatch won’t work. Nobody—including your spouse—can successfully meet all of your emotional needs, of which loneliness is one. 

    Consider a better strategy. While both married people and singles will always have a reason to keep working on themselves, it’s advantageous to work through your emotional needs while you’re still unattached. Since deep calls unto deep (Psalm 42:7), your emotional soundness will attract a partner with a similar disposition. 

    Isn’t it better for you and your betrothed to enter marriage without baggage?

    Age 

    Back in my single days—before WhatsApp exploded in fame—I once received a phone call from my mother’s uncle. The elderly relative thought the following wisdom was important enough to impart, he placed an international call regardless of the exorbitant cost. “Don’t be so career-minded that you’re neglecting marriage!”

    “Yes,” I answered. The pithy shortcut had to suffice. I wasn’t about to elaborate with “Actually, I’m staying single because I’m waiting for God’s best for me, not because I’m too wrapped up in work.”

    I’m sure you have your own war stories. From family pressures to those that arise from your ever-increasing age—which, of course, directly relates to your biological clock and the ability to bear children—it’s understandable if a prolonged state of singleness drives you desperate for marriage. 

    But getting married because of anything other than because it’s God’s will for you is bound to backfire. Even if a divorce doesn’t dash your marriage, your union may not feel fulfilling—the opposite of Jesus’ mission to bring us life more abundantly (John 10:10, MEV).

    To experience that abundant life in the context of marriage, abandon any other prospects. Ask Him to matchmake for you instead. 

    Shapes and Sex

    Should you marry someone you’re not physically attracted to? Well, no. Sexual attraction is a crucial component of marriage. 

    At the same time, neither should you marry because of physical attraction only. Whether we like it or not, “beauty is fleeting” (Proverbs 31:30).

    How fleeting?

    As flitting as a flower in bloom. “All flesh is grass, and all its loveliness is like the flower of the field. The grass withers, the flower fades, when the breath of the Lord blows upon it; the people are indeed grass!” (Isaiah 40: 6-7, NASB).

    Someone who pledges to spend forever with you primarily for your looks can renege once youth and its accouterments fade. 

    Then there’s sex. Many young Christians rush to get married so as not to commit sexual sins as a single person. Given the scriptural admonition to “avoid sexual immorality” (1 Thessalonians 4:3), their intention is understandable.

    However, God’s remedy for sexual urges is not marriage. Instead, whether single or married, we are to “learn to control our own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the pagans, who do not know God; and that in this matter no one should wrong or take advantage of a brother or sister” (1 Thessalonians 4:4-6).

    Marriage encompasses so much more than sex. There are couples who remain married and love each other even without a vibrant sex life. Conversely, there are those who indulge in lewd sexual activities but can’t make a marriage last.

    Choosing Marriage

    Different formats exist when it comes to today’s intimate relationships. For instance, some read “don’t get married for the wrong reasons” as “don’t get married.” The increase in cohabitation rates attests to the popularity of practicing sex outside marital bonds.

    Friends with benefits adds another possibility. This arrangement happens when so-called friends agree to trade sexual favors for each other, minus any romantic entanglement.

    Some aspire to chuck monogamy altogether. Enter polyamory, a form of relationship that allows participants to conduct intimate relationships with multiple partners at once.

    If engaging in any of these acts edified us, God would’ve specified them in His Word, along with tips for best practices. The Holy Spirit would’ve inspired the Apostle Paul to craft guidelines on having holy polyamory when he penned 1 Corinthians 7, the chapter on singles and sex.

    Listen, instead, to how God elevates marriage: “Have respect for marriage. Always be faithful to your partner, because God will punish anyone who is immoral or unfaithful in marriage” (Hebrews 13:4, CEV).

    Marriage is a good thing. More importantly, it’s a God thing.

    The One who created marriage (Genesis 2:18, Matthew 19:4-6) is also able to place a yearning within us for it. Remember, the Lord delights in giving us the desires of our hearts (Psalm 20:4, Psalm 37:4-5, Psalm 145:16, Psalm 145:19, Proverbs 10:24, Mark 11:22-24).

    If you’re in the market for marriage, please trust your Maker to pick your mate. Ask God to direct your steps and sensitize your hearing. This way, “your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, ‘This is the way, walk in it,’ when you turn to the right or when you turn to the left” (Isaiah 30:21)—all the way until your path intersects that of your future spouse.

    Nobody who hopes in Him will be ashamed (Psalm 25:3)—including regarding matters of the heart.

    But if relationship issues stump you, no matter what your relationship status is, send your inquiry to my advice column. 

    I promise to seek God as I compose my response.

    Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/Maria Korneeva

    Audrey Davidheiser, PhD is a California licensed psychologist, certified Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapist, and IFSI-approved clinical consultant. After founding and directing a counseling center for the Los Angeles Dream Center, she now devotes her practice to survivors of trauma—including spiritual abuse. If you need her advice, visit her on www.aimforbreakthrough.com and Instagram @DrAudreyD.

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  • 8 Keys to a Happy, Healthy Marriage

    8 Keys to a Happy, Healthy Marriage

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    All weddings are happy. It’s living together afterward that causes all the trouble.

    Mrs. Billy Graham was asked, “Have you ever considered divorce?” “No,” she responded. “Murder many times but never divorce!”

    It sometimes feels like my marriage is this tiny outpost in the middle of enemy territory, and the enemy is shooting at us from every side! This world is not the friend of marriage. The good news is that God is the friend of marriage. Marriage is God’s plan, his idea, and his design.

    I know you are just like me. You want a great marriage, but you may feel that your marriage has endured too much pain and that there is no hope of improvement. But, no matter where you are or where you have been in your marriage, the rest of your marriage can be the best part of it.

    Dan and I have been married for 46 years. Our marriage is stronger and better than it has ever been. Let me share some of the keys to a healthy marriage God has taught us along the way.

    Key one: When the going gets tough, the tough stay right where they are!

    Ephesians 5:31 “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”

    An essential key to a successful marriage is commitment. The Spanish explorer Cortes knew what commitment was. He insisted on it from his men when they landed in Mexico to invade the land of the Aztecs. Sensing the crew’s fear and hesitation, he gathered them all onshore and set fire to the ships. Cortez turned to his men and said, “Now, there can be no turning back.”

    That is the kind of commitment we need in our marriages. But unfortunately, we live in a world of “throw-away” marriages. If it doesn’t work, we throw the relationship away and find another, but Jesus is big on commitment. Jesus told a parable about a man who found a valuable pearl in a field. The man immediately sold everything he had to buy the field so the pearl would be his. Of course, he would be left with nothing if the pearl was worthless. But he was willing to take the risk.

    For marriage to be what God designed it to be, we must choose to be committed to our mate and our marriage. Commitment is not based on feelings. Feelings cannot build a solid marriage. Love is not the basis for marriage. Marriage is the basis for love.

    Hold on to your commitment to God. Hold on to your commitment to your marriage.

    Key two: Accept your mate and change yourself.

    Colossians 3:13-14 “Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.”

    The marriage relationship has a specific dynamic. If one person in the relationship changes, the whole relationship changes. We keep trying to make sure that our mate is the one that changes.

    I approached marriage and my new husband like buying an old house. I couldn’t wait to see it remodeled. Wasn’t Dan fortunate to have married the Holy Spirit? I tried to change him. I just wanted Dan to be more like me! I learned that we can be different without being right or wrong!

    We need to celebrate our differences. Differences can either rip us apart or add great flavor to a relationship. Unfortunately, the things we try so hard to change are the very things that attract us to our mates in the first place.

    He used to be carefree. Now he is irresponsible.

    He used to be determined. Now he is stubborn.

    He used to be more concerned about inward qualities than outward appearances. Now he is sloppy.

    Acceptance and approval are two different things. What would happen if you unconditionally accepted your mate? What would happen if we took the energy we wasted trying to change him and used it to change our lives?

    Accept your mate. Ask the Lord what needs to be changed in your own life.

    Key three: Spend time alone with your spouse.

    Photo credit: ©GettyImages/Image Source

    Amos 3:3 “Can two walk together except they be agreed?”

    Weeds spring up overnight, but it takes years for a mighty oak to grow. So likewise, a great marriage takes a lot of hard work and time. We have three choices about time. We can waste it, spend it, or invest it. Busyness builds a schedule but destroys the family. A crazy life schedule has always been a battle for Dan and me.

    When our children were young, we saw our marriage and children being swallowed up in a hectic schedule. We were doing wonderful things. But, unfortunately, they just weren’t the best things. So we made an important decision. We would give ourselves one year to make drastic changes or leave the ministry. We chose not to sacrifice our marriage or our children on the altar of a ministry or church.

    We began taking a day off each week. Monday is my day with Dan. We sometimes go shopping or out for lunch, where we talk – setting goals, planning, dreaming, and examining our marriage to ensure we are on solid ground.

    We began scheduling time away. Every two or three months, we make a plan to get away – alone. Then, when the pressure is off, we are different! It is one way to keep the romance alive in our marriage!

    We began setting aside time at the end of the day to talk. This time became an essential part of our daily schedule. We talked about the day and shared whatever was on our minds, creating a connection time. Doing so kept us on the same page and was a strong statement to each other and our children about the importance of our marriage.

    We learned to be part of each other’s world. I began reading the books that interested Dan. I went with him to conferences. I began to study Dan – his needs and interests, frustrations and dreams, fears and hopes. I know. We often say we don’t have the time or money, but we are saying that it is not important enough to learn how to be part of our mate’s world. But, if it is important, we will find a way to do it.

    We all exchange our lives for something. But we need to make sure that the exchange is worth it!

    Key four: Guard your mind.

    Philippians 4:8 “Finally, brethren, whatsoever is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy, think about such things.”

    Don’t allow anything or anyone into your life that will undermine your marriage.

    -movies

    -soap operas

    -romance novels

    -discontented friends

    When we invite these things into our life, we are setting our marriage up for failure. In the early years of our marriage, I was addicted to soap operas. I told the woman on television to leave her rotten husband and run off with the handsome man. Needs improvement!

    For the sake of our marriage, we must guard our minds.

    Key five: Learn to fight fair.

    Ephesians 4:29 “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what helps build others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.”

    Wow! That’s a tall order, isn’t it? But God never asks us to do anything that he will not empower us to do. For much of our marriage, I have tended to shove my anger down until some final straw makes me both hysterical and historical. Not anymore. Here are some tips that have helped me learn to fight fair.

    -Pray. Bathe your conversation in prayer and ask God to give you the right words to say

     when you need to have a challenging conversation with your mate.

    -Pick a time and place that is good for him. That means picking a time and place to give your conversation the best chance of succeeding.

    -Begin and end with affirmation.

    -Be willing to accept blame.

    -Express hurt – not hostility.

    -Stick to the subject at hand. Don’t drag up every hurt from the past that you have buried.

    -Avoid using the words “never” and “always.”

    -Be solution centered.

    -Understand that restoration – not winning – is the goal.

    -Get outside help if you need it. That may be a mature Christian couple or a professional.

    A marriage is only as good as the communication between husband and wife – especially when fighting fair.

    Related: Learn to Fight Fair in Marriage

    Key six: Discover your mate’s language of love!

    Happy couple in kitchen

    Photo credit: ©GettyImages/YakobchukOlena

    Isaiah 35:3-4 “Encourage the exhausted, strengthen the weak, say to those with an anxious heart ‘Take courage, fear not!’”

    Every husband and wife has different ways of giving and receiving love.

    Touch

    Verbal

    Service

    Gifts

    Time

    My dad died when I was four years old. My mom showed her love for me by serving. So I grew up believing love is demonstrated by cleaning the house, buying groceries, doing the laundry, or cooking meals.

    Doing these things for Dan showed him that I loved him – right? The only problem was that I needed to use the correct language. His language is touching and telling.

    But since I had been molested as a child, I had trouble with communication and intimacy. So we had problems. When Dan hugged me and told me he loved me, I always thought he wanted sex. If he really loved me, he would clean the garage.

    It is like going to a foreign land and insisting that the people there speak my language. It won’t work.

    Learn your husband’s language of love and become fluent in it!

    Key seven: Become your partner’s strongest fan.

    Hebrews 3:13 “Encourage one another daily.”

    Every man should be able to trust his wife and what she says about him, and every wife should be able to trust what her husband says about her.

    We should count on each other to be a cheerleader!

    Don’t criticize your mate to your friends or family members. You will get to the place of forgiveness, but your family and friends may not. And don’t criticize your mate to your children. I know that is hard. But it is right.

    Make a list of your mate’s good points and then broadcast them!

    Psalm 141:3 “Set a guard over my mouth, O Lord. Keep watch over the door of my lips.”

    I once read, “Dear Lord, help me to bridle my tongue so that on judgment day, I will not be guilty of assault with a deadly weapon!”

    Don’t be a dream-buster. Be a dream-sharer. Ladies, if your husband is leading you in what you feel is the wrong direction, your choices are:

    -To leave him.

    -To stay and make life miserable for everyone.

    -To say to him,” I am committed to you. I disagree with you, but I am with you!”

    Then turn your dream and him over to God, who can bring the two together in a fantastic way.

    Key eight: Laugh a lot.

    Proverbs 17:22 “A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.”

    We must not get so serious about life that we lose our joy. We must always remember what it means to laugh, play, and feel like a child again.

    The best marriages take a lot of work, but we need to balance that work with fun. The more challenging the marriage, the more important it is to have fun. Laughter brings healing. Humor can be a bridge over frustrating circumstances.

    God wants our homes to be living illustrations of him! God wants marriage to demonstrate His love.

    What choice or commitment do you need to make in your marriage? He stands ready to empower that commitment. God wants your marriage to succeed, and he wants you to find joy in your marriage. So make that commitment today, and then trust him to do it.

    Related Resource: Check Out Our FREE Marriage Podcast!

    Listen to our new, podcast on marriage: Team Us. The best marriages have a teamwork mentality. Find practical, realistic ideas for strengthening your marriage. Listen to an episode here, and then head over to LifeAudio.com to check out all of our episodes:

    Photo credit: ©GettyImages/XiXinXing

    Mary Southerland is also the Co-founder of Girlfriends in God, a conference and devotion ministry for women. Mary’s books include, Hope in the Midst of Depression, Sandpaper People, Escaping the Stress Trap, Experiencing God’s Power in Your Ministry, 10-Day Trust Adventure, You Make Me So Angry, How to Study the Bible, Fit for Life, Joy for the Journey, and Life Is So Daily. Mary relishes her ministry as a wife, a mother to their two children, Jered and Danna, and Mimi to her six grandchildren – Jaydan, Lelia, Justus, Hudson, Mo, and Nori.



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  • Can Christians Attend a Same-Sex Couple’s Baby Shower?

    Can Christians Attend a Same-Sex Couple’s Baby Shower?

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    As same-sex marriage has become more prolific and socially acceptable, there is a growing number of same-sex parents. Personally, I’ve interacted with same-sex foster parents who also attend the same church as I do. My son’s friend on his soccer team has two very kind moms. I have neighbors who are same-sex parents to children in my community. We can no longer assume that just because a child is involved, both a man and a woman are in the picture when it comes to parenting. 

    As our society continues changing the rules around what constitutes a family, we must carefully consider how we should respond as believers. We know that God’s Word clearly states that God’s best for marriage and family is for one man and woman to come together. Yet, hard black-and-white lines don’t work when talking about people you love. Additionally, their child has no say in the family they are brought into, and surely they need all the love they can get as everyone needs a strong village in order to parent well. 

    How do we hold onto the truth of God’s Word while also being agents of God’s light and love? 

    It’s not easy, that’s for sure! 

    The Church Is Struggling 

    Right now, the Church is struggling along with many believers with how to navigate the great changes we see in our culture when it comes to sexuality, gender identity, marriage, and more! So much of the Church has swung to one extreme or the next on this issue. We are witnessing a large part of the Church making a choice to let go of a historically consistent view of Christian marriage and begin to believe in a boundaryless love. 

    This goes against all that God teaches in the Bible. God’s love is full of boundaries. Obedience is a part of the Christian life because we are broken creatures following a holy God. We need his guidance in order to live our best lives. God gives clear guidance on a myriad of issues, not just sexuality, because God is personally invested in our well-being. Him loving us looks like him gently leading us towards his truth, righteousness, and holiness. 

    Other parts of the church have embraced harsh and hurtful language around this issue. Their lack of understanding and compassion has left many who struggle with same-sex attraction or their gender identity hurt and alone. They forget that God has and can use all manner of broken and sinful people. He is the ultimate judge of our souls, not us! We can trust God to lead his people to repentance and freedom in his own time and way.

    Wisdom Is Needed in Every Situation 

    As a culture and as the Church, we’ve lost the ability to see the nuances of how God loves each of us, even though none of us can live up to the full standard of his holiness. Our tendency in today’s ‘cancel culture’ is to draw battle lines around things that appear wrong or we don’t understand. 

    Jesus shows us a radical alternative way of navigating our sin. 

    He asks who is sinless among us. Only they have the ability to justly throw stones! (John 8:7-11) Then Jesus, the only one with the right to judge us, goes to the person stuck in sin and gives them the chance to follow him. They have the chance to leave their life of sin and pain!

    It’s our job to be Jesus to our lost friends. To encourage those who know God but continue to struggle with sin. We need to remain faithful to the standards God gives us for living in the Bible. We must also ask God to help show us how to love well. When sin exists, wisdom is necessary in each and every situation. We need God to show us how to walk alongside others that we love prayerfully, sharing truth with them in a loving way. Thankfully, James 1:5 tells us that anytime we need wisdom, God gives it. 

    There are a few things we can consider as we seek wisdom on how to approach this kind of situation: 

    -If the couple are unbelievers, they are not held to the same standard of the Bible, so extra grace should be dispensed. 

    -Will declining to attend harm the relationship with this family? 

    -Will this declining detract from your ability to show them God’s love? 

    -Is there another way to show the child-to-be love without participating in the baby shower? 

    -What is God saying to you about this situation and how to navigate it well? 

    -Does this couple have enough of a relationship with you to know that you believe in a historically consistent biblical view of marriage and sexuality? Will attending communicate that you have abdicated your convictions or show them that you can love them this way because Jesus always loves them? 

    Thinking through these factors can help you to determine how to balance grace and truth in this situation. Sadly, there is no one-fits-all answer to these questions. We need God’s leading Spirit to help us know what he is calling us to do in our relationships. 

    Baby Showers Differ From Weddings 

    A baby shower is different from a wedding in that every child is a gift from God. This sort of celebration is designed to joyfully support the arrival of a new person whom God has a special plan for. While we may understand that same-sex relationships are not God’s best, we are called to nurture and love every child. Even if we do not feel called to participate in the baby shower, we should find a way to love this family and their child. 

    When the couple that fosters in my community had their first placement, I brought them bags of things to help them care for their kids. I delivered a gift card for dinner and wrote notes of encouragement for them and the children in their care. This wasn’t a baby shower, but it was a way to say you are not alone in this job of loving a child. Caring for kids is hard work, no matter what your family looks like. When we don’t walk alongside other families, kids are the ones who suffer the consequences.

    Related:

    8 Things You Should Know about Gay Marriage

    Should You Attend a Gay Wedding?

    How Should I Respond to My Homosexual Friends and Family?

    Photo credit: ©GettyImages/Anchily

    Amanda Idleman is a writer whose passion is to encourage others to live joyfully. She writes devotions for My Daily Bible Verse Devotional and Podcast, Crosswalk Couples Devotional, the Daily Devotional App, she has work published with Her View from Home, on the MOPS Blog, and is a regular contributor for Crosswalk.com. She has most recently published a devotional, Comfort: A 30 Day Devotional Exploring God’s Heart of Love for Mommas. You can find out more about Amanda on her Facebook Page or follow her on Instagram.



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  • What Does Paul Have to Say about Singleness in the New Testament?

    What Does Paul Have to Say about Singleness in the New Testament?

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    If you have read the New Testament, you are probably familiar with one of its major contributors, an Apostle named Paul. He was highly educated, knew many languages and cultures, and forged his way to the heights of the religious society of his day. Then the Lord stopped him in the middle of the road and changed his life completely. The Lord raised Paul up as a leader in the early Church and, through the Holy Spirit, gave him wisdom beyond his years, his education, and even his personal experience. God used Paul to speak about many things to many different audiences.

    Throughout the New Testament books that Paul wrote, he spends a lot of time addressing the relationships that fill our life. In some relationships, he had first-hand experience with which to give advice or caution, while in others, he relied on practical, God-given principles as he taught within the communities he was sent to reach.

    Singleness was a topic with which he was intimately acquainted, as there are no indications anywhere in Scripture that he ever married. As we look at 1 Corinthians 7, we get a front-row seat as he speaks passionately about the single life and makes statements that still seem surprising hundreds of years after they were inspired and written.

    After an introduction to the principles of marriage in I Corinthians 7, Paul makes his first “surprising” statement about singleness in verse 7: “I wish that all were as I myself am” (ESV). He repeats himself in verse 8 and expands his scope to include those who are single again after being widowed. “It is good for them to remain single.” From the context of the writing, we learn two things about this statement. First, he is not writing this as a command from God that ALL remain unmarried as he is, but simply observing that if it were possible, then life would be less complicated in many ways. Secondly, we see that he is declaring the single life as a gift God gave in the same way as marriage.

    Paul picks up again toward the end of the chapter and makes his second “surprising” statement in verse 38: “So then he who marries his betrothed does well, but he who refrains from marriage will do even better.” In the verses just before, Paul spends time explaining precisely what he does and does not mean when he says this. Again, he reminds us that he is in no way saying no one should get married, nor is he advocating that anyone who is married already should leave that marriage. He reminds us all, married and single that living the life God has called us to is always the best life. Here, he spends some time explaining WHY he believes the single life is “even better” …it affords the opportunity for an undivided devotion to living a life on mission and pleasing the Lord.

    When you read the passage as a whole, Paul seems to be writing about the goodness of the single life and then doubling back to make sure no one misunderstands him to say that marriage is in any way an inferior status. Still, much of the time when this passage is taught in our churches today, this theme does not seem to shine through. Usually, about as much time is given to expound on the “betterness” of the single life as the verses about bondservants. Is this ignored or added as merely a footnote on purpose? I don’t think so, but it needs to start becoming part of a more extensive conversation moving forward for both single and married believers.

    If you are like me, and singleness has become more of a significant theme in your life than you ever imagined, then you have probably read these verses many times and thought to yourself (or maybe even dared to say out loud), ” Okay, Paul, I hear you but what does this really mean?”.

    Photo credit: ©GettyImages/Jonathan Erasmus

    1. It reminds us that we are made for more than NOW. We are human; we are born with the limitations that come with being finite beings. Our human needs sometimes scream so loudly that if we are not careful, they can drown out the voice of the eternal spirit living inside us. Paul is seeking to remind us that what we see around us now is not what we should be living for or looking to fulfill us. If you are married and have children, the needs and the loudness of NOW can become exponentially more, and finding the time to focus on the eternal takes more effort. It is simple math.

    While being single is not a guarantee that one will live a more wholly devoted life for God, I believe it does come with a call to strive to do so. Jesus Himself modeled the single, focused, missional life. Are we living our single life on purpose? Or are we merely enduring the days until God may change our marital status? Paul’s words in 1 Corinthians should challenge us to embrace this life God has called us to, whether we are single for the rest of our life or just this current season.

    2. It is a call to the Church to embrace and even affirm singleness the same way God does. If we could look through Paul’s eyes, I believe we would see a vision for the Church today regarding singleness that looks very different than the present reality. I believe he envisioned a place where “Singles Ministry” was at the heart of the Church. A place leaders flow out of to minister to the whole body rather than an endless “purgatory” for the unmarried that follows youth and college ministry.

    Unfortunately, in many of our churches, it is assumed that marriage is a gift God wants to bring to everyone, and the fulfilling, purpose-driven call of singleness is not taught until much later in life and to a much smaller audience. Leaders, teachers, missionaries, and single counselors are often encouraged to find a spouse to enhance their ministry or broaden the scope of their giftings. If this is also God’s calling on their life, then they should do so, but as Paul has admonished, if this is not, then they should be encouraged to “remain as they are.”

    What if, instead, churches could find a way to teach about the devoted single life with the same excitement and purpose they teach about the importance of marriage and families?

    If you are single today, then please know that singleness is many things, but an “inferior state to be avoided at all costs” is not one of them. Living life as a party of one has its challenges, and sometimes it is easy to crave the noise of now rather than work to see the gift buried deep down under the surface. I pray that these surprising words from Paul will sink in and take root as you strive to live your life with a more focused purpose on what God is calling you to. I pray God will quiet the noise of unmet expectations and raise a community around you to encourage and challenge you in the year ahead.

    If you are a church leader, I pray God gives you the courage to encourage singleness with the same passion as the Apostle Paul. I pray you will seek ways to raise up single leaders within your fellowship and that God would bless your whole community through this effort.

    If you are a parent, please know that your son or daughter may do everything in their power to find a spouse and have their own family, but there is a very real possibility that God may call them to live through extended periods of singleness as an adult. My prayer is that you won’t fear this for your child but will raise them to know the gift it can be. I pray you will invite single people to be a part of your life and community and that God will bring them Godly examples to follow.

    Singleness can be a gift both to the single person and those in community with them.

    Photo credit: ©GettyImages/PIKSEL

    Stephanie M. Kozick has lived and worked in Europe since 2008. She spent her first nine years abroad working with various ministries in Dublin, Ireland. For the past five years, she has served outside Athens, Greece with both ministry to nationals and the refugee population. Currently, she enjoys teaching English, connecting internationals with ministry opportunities, and learning to cook foods inspired by all the people groups who cross her path!



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  • Why Doesn’t God Want Couples Living Together Before Marriage?

    Why Doesn’t God Want Couples Living Together Before Marriage?

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    In today’s world, there seem to be so many rules about love, dating, and marriage. Who to date. How to date. What to do to get engaged. How to stay married. With so many varying opinions about how our love lives should be, it can be difficult to decipher what to do or how to navigate successfully through relationships. For a Christian, one would think it is easy to maneuver through these rules because our guidance for living is the Bible. However, many Christians often struggle with how to live in an upright manner that pleases God. There are questions many desire to ask, and sometimes, their interpretation of Scripture can be misunderstood or taught from an opinion that seems biblically based. 

    Espoused or dating couples face many challenges and must make several decisions that can affect their relationship and challenge their morals. Where do they go for dates, what are their thoughts on premarital sex, and how long should they date or remain engaged are some of the decisions they face and often struggle with. Another decision unmarried Christian couples often face is whether or not they should live together before marriage. Many people believe there are several valid reasons to do so. For instance, you learn each other’s habits, you can discover each other’s true expectations for marriage, and it can help in deciding whether or not couples want to go through with marriage. While these are all things people need to know, for the soon-to-be-married or marriage-hopeful Christian, they may not be reason enough to take the plunge into living together before they say I do. For believers, God not wanting couples living together before marriage often plagues their thoughts, especially when there is no specific Scripture that states couples cannot live together without the benefit of marriage. If you’re wondering why, take a look at the reasons listed below.

    1. Sexual temptation.

    Being in close quarters with the one you love, the one you desire, and the person you are physically attracted to can and will tempt anyone to engage in sexual activities. The Bible provides clear instructions on maintaining sexual morality for all believers, whether they are single, engaged, or married. If you are thinking about cohabitation before saying I do, then you and your fiance need to think about how you will avoid engaging in premarital sex. Will you sleep in separate bedrooms? Will you set boundaries for each other when it comes to sexual temptation? If you succumb to your sexual desires, is there a plan of repentance in place? If you are planning to cohabitate with your partner before marriage, you must acknowledge what God says about fornication and decide how you will handle the temptations together. Again, while there is no specific scripture in the Bible that states couples should not live together before marriage, this is one reason why many believers are taught that they should not do so.

    2. It can mock marriage.

    Living together before marriage mocks the covenant of marriage because couples tend to make decisions together and take care of household finances and other responsibilities that can come with marriage. Marriage is a sacred commitment to God and the people He brings together. The responsibilities that accompany it should not be taken lightly before a solid commitment is made. While the rationale to dwell together before saying I do is for people to learn more about each other, it still mocks the union that God ordained.

    Photo credit: GettyImages/bernardbodo

    3. It takes away the value of commitment.

    Couples cohabitate together for many reasons—personal, financial, or convenience. While couples have their reasons for living together before marriage, many believe that doing so before marriage takes away the value of commitment. People can become content in their arrangement and may not feel the need to take the next step of marriage. This is not the case for all, but in many cases, couples who live together may not see the need for marriage, and for the Christian believer this dishonors God. The commitment of marriage is the standard God has set for believers. If you and your partner strive to live a life that pleases God, you may want to reconsider cohabitation before marriage. Knowing and understanding what commitment means to you and your future spouse is important. Both people need to be clear on what to expect and what level of commitment they are willing to show each other.

    4. It may be harder to leave a relationship after cohabitation.

    It’s been theorized that it may be harder to end a relationship once two people live together. Many couples have various reasons for living together before marriage, but one reason is to see if they are genuinely compatible with each other and if they can, in fact, peacefully live with each other. If people who live together discover, sooner or later, that they are not meant for each other, how do they successfully move forward with their lives individually? After sharing space, you become accustomed to seeing your partner daily; in a sense, they have become part of your routine. While establishing a new routine can be done, it can be challenging from an emotional point of view. It can also be difficult if one person does not have a stable means of income or a place to call their own in the event of a transition. No one wants someone they love to struggle, so depending on how things end, one partner may harbor feelings of guilt for wanting to leave the relationship.

    Cohabitating with someone is an important decision for people to make. Some may consider it the big step before the bigger step of marriage. While people have their reasons for doing so, this should not be judged. There are so many things to consider, and you want to be sure your reasons are valid. For the believer, if you are thinking about this, seek counseling from married couples or a premarital counselor who has the same values and beliefs as you for guidance. Also, it’s important to discuss finances, expectations for the future, responsibilities, and other goals for the future for both of you.

    The world and the world of believers have morals, values, and rules they live by for different reasons. It’s vital to be clear on how you want to live your life and how you want your relationships to go. Many people choose to cohabitate before marriage; others do not. As you continue your journey with God, your singleness, or your partner, I pray that you ask God for guidance on how He wants your life and all your relationships to go. Always be mindful, prayerful, and careful with the decisions you make in your relationships. Do what honors God and what’s best for both of you to live in harmony.

    Photo credit: © Getty Images/jacoblund

    Crosswalk Contributor Liz LampkinAuthor Liz Lampkin is an experienced writer, teacher, and speaker. She is an advocate for singles who encourages them to live their best life God’s way. Follow her on Instagram @Liz_Lampkin.



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  • 3 Ways Grandparents Can Leave a Legacy of Faith

    3 Ways Grandparents Can Leave a Legacy of Faith

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    There are a few moments that stand out as optimal grandparent time in our memories. You know, the ones many of us share if we were blessed enough to be able to spend time with our grandparents.

    The Christmas program, when, as a child, you looked out into the audience and saw their proud smiles. Or, the birthday when they bring you the present you were aching for and had been told by the not-so-cool parents that you wouldn’t be receiving it. Or, there may be that one special memory that you revisit from time to time, and a reminiscent smile rests on your face.

    But what is the difference between memory versus legacy.

    Webster’s dictionary defines “memory” as: the power or process of reproducing or recalling what has been learned and retained especially through associative mechanisms. Essentially, it’s a repetitive replay of the past, either good or bad, special or traumatic.

    “Legacy” on the other hand, comes with a very different emphasis. Webster’s describes legacy as: something transmitted by or received from an ancestor or predecessor or from the past. A carrying over of something tangible, perhaps tradition, a belief, a way of life.

    In this article, we will focus on how grandparents can truly leave a legacy of faith that can shape their families for years to come.

    How My Own Grandparents Impacted My Faith

    I was blessed to build many memories with my grandparents. I was blessed to have grandparents in my life, and my children have also received a similar blessing.

    While, my memories of my grandma are those of watching the Lawrence Welk show on her slippery couch (some material that was actually shiny!), and of being put to bed only to sneak out after my older brother was asleep to curl up into her cozy side and watch Dallas and Dynasty (perfect childhood bedtime shows), I have taken some time recently to sit back and reflect on what legacy she left behind.

    How was it different from my other grandmother’s? And how my grandfathers’ legacies affected me as well?

    I knew my Gramma Wright for my first eight years of life. Memories are sketchy, but legacy? I have been startled at how much legacy was instilled in me in those short eight years.

    The one I recall the most, is the legacy of joy. She was an insatiably joyful person. I’m not sure if that was just my perspective, but then, does it matter? It was what she passed along to me.

    She showed me joy by taking a deep satisfaction in allowing me to spend time with her. Whether it was watching a forbidden nighttime soap that went completely over my head, or helping her make her ridiculously salty homemade macaroni and cheese, or telling me stories of sleigh rides in the snow at Christmas as a child.

    Gramma Wright found joy in every circumstance. I’m sure her faith played a part in that. She’d lost my Grandpa Wright before I was born, but she didn’t exude a spirit of loneliness or grief. I’m sure she felt it, but her mission seemed to be to instill in me a legacy of joy.

    No matter the circumstance. When she passed away, the last time I visited her in the hospital, I recall her shouting down the hallway from her bed as I walked away with my parents to go home. “I love you! I love you!” she cried in a wobbly, weak voice.

    Looking back, I get teary eyed. It’s a memory to go along with her legacy. Her legacy of time spent with loved ones, and finding essential joy within the spirits of her family. As you study your relationship with your grandchildren, consider the qualities and characteristics you want to etch into their foundations as pivotal.

    These will stay with them long into their adult years as cornerstones to who they are as a person and as someone impacting the world around them.

    My other gramma, Gramma Lola, instilled in me a legacy of history. She breathed and oozed family history and every antique she owned was connected to someone in our lineage who had a story.

    Gramma Lola was not a story writer, nor was she a story teller, but yet she believed strongly in the power of story. In the power of remembering loved ones, learning from loved ones long since past, and incorporating their legacies in our daily lives.

    I knew from a young age that her father had struggled with prejudice as a German immigrant who spoke little English. I learned too, that he fought through it, took pride in his heritage, and made sure his children and grandchildren held their heads up.

    My Gramma Lola was not ashamed of her strong German roots, even when the World War came and Germans weren’t particularly preferred. Do your grandchildren know where they came from?

    Scripture talks of the influence of ancestry and generational traditions and faith. If your grandchildren aren’t aware of the framework that has formed your family, their attachment and devotion to what has been important in your family tree, will be lost.

    Educate them on the constructs of their ancestors, and share with them the faith, the perseverance, and the fortitude with which your family tree has been cultivated.

    I can go on. But now that I have my own children, I look to my parents and my in-laws and how they too are instilling legacy. Most importantly, how they are instilling a legacy of faith.

    It’s more than apparent that grandparents have a huge impact on the lives of their grandchildren. And, while I’ve sought out these legacies, defined them, and nested them deep in my heart, how does a grandparent effectively communicate legacy to their grandchildren? Especially a legacy of faith?

    In reviewing my own experiences, and now watching my children’s, I’ve found some clarity. Here are 3 ways grandparents can leave a legacy of faith.

    Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/monkeybusinessimages

    1. Make Faith an Active, Included Part of Life

    My grandparents were strong in their faith, and because of such, that legacy was passed on to both sets of my parents. But it wasn’t the going to church part that instilled it.

    Honestly, it wasn’t even the practice of Christianity’s traditions. It was how they lived their faith.

    When there is a struggle with one of my children at school, my mom will pick them up and more often than not, by the time I’m able to snatch them after work, my Dad has spent time in prayer with them over the situation, or my mom has commiserated with my daughter and then helped her to self-reflect on what Jesus would have her do.

    A legacy of faith is the inclusion of bedtime prayers with grandparents, and when my Dad plays “church” with them, allowing the kids to “preach the Word”, and lead worship songs with their ukuleles and recorders.

    I’m sure it’s the most unprofessionally produced worship service, but the kids come home chattering about how they had “church” with Poppy–on a weekday.

    Faith becomes just a normal part of life. It’s not marked by significant traditions, so much as stamped into life by daily events.

    2. Make Faith a Part of Every Day Conversation

    I think grandparents often rely on the fact that actions speak louder than words. In the end, the old adage is true.

    However, with children–especially little ones–it’s important to verbalize your faith.

    Do I recall my grandparents living a good life? One of ethics and morality? Absolutely! But I also know–because they made it clear by talking about it–that these decisions were not made simply out of innate human goodness.

    It was driven by their faith in their Savior and was dependent on not just their awareness of Him, but also their reliance on His Word. Our children need to learn–especially in these days–that goodness, kindness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control, and so forth, are not inspired by our personal aptitude.

    Different versions of human kindness and respect abound and what to some is common sense, to others, it contradicts the essence of what they’ve experienced. A measuring tool, a point of reference, a place of truth, needs to be established for these little lives who will one day take up the mantle of faith and walk forward.

    So speak your origins of faith into them. Verbalize the Scripture you hold dear. Express to them why you do what you do as inspired by your relationship with the Lord. Don’t rely merely on your actions to communicate the roots and the foundations of why those actions abound.

    Words become the memories we draw upon long after loved ones have left our lives, and the verbalization of your faith will become a whisper on their heart for eternity. 

    3. Make Faith the Priority

    I know my Grandpa Wright found hunting and fishing to be his number one thing. It was his hobby, his passion, and by having such, he instilled a deep appreciation for nature into my dad and his brothers, which in turn, has been passed down to us.

    Interestingly, what is missing here, is his faith. I asked my dad once if Grandpa Wright had been a follower of Christ. My dad replied that he believed he was. That he had been baptized and had made a profession of faith at a Billy Sunday revival meeting.

    But the thing is, the prioritizing of that faith was not my grandpa’s priority. Did that make him a bad legacy builder? Not at all. In looking back on his life, I believe he was a follower of Christ–again, his actions speak as well, but his voice was very quiet.

    My own dad has made a pivotal effort in his relationship with his grandchildren, to make it known that he is passionately following Jesus. It is his priority.

    There will be no question, after my dad passes, as to whether he was or wasn’t a Believer. It will just be known. It was his priority, after all, and he made sure we all knew that. Very, very well.

    The prioritization of your faith will become a spiritual tattoo of sorts on the souls of your grandchildren. While it can–and at times will–be ignored, it is still always there and it is non-erasable.

    It is in the dark times, perhaps even the blessed times, your grandchildren will capture glimpses of these Spiritual priorities, inked in a Spiritual pen, that will draw them, compel them, and remind them that faith is an indelible mark of consistency they should not ignore. 

    In the end, leaving a legacy for our grandchildren is important. Leaving the legacy of faith is critical. Faith is being challenged, threatened even, and going forward, freedoms may even be limited.

    We cannot take for granted that faith will just come to our grandchildren, or they will somehow assume the faith because we have it. We must teach it. With words, actions, prioritization, and depth.

    As Deuteronomy states so clearly, we must saturate the lives of the next generation with the Lord. 

    Deuteronomy 6.5-7: You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise.

    Diligently. Passionately. Constantly.

    And your legacy will bear fruit for generations to come.

    Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/Sam Edwards

    Jaime Jo Wright is an ECPA and Publisher’s Weekly bestselling author. Her novel “The House on Foster Hill” won the prestigious Christy Award and she continues to publish Gothic thrillers for the inspirational market. Jaime Jo resides in the woods of Wisconsin, lives in dreamland, exists in reality, and invites you to join her adventures at jaimewrightbooks.com and at her podcast madlitmusings.com where she discusses the deeper issues of story and faith with fellow authors.



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  • What to Do When Your Wife Says, “I’m Fine”

    What to Do When Your Wife Says, “I’m Fine”

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    Many people view the male/female dynamic as complex. Sometimes, when you have been together for years, you don’t know how to take each other. This is especially true when a wife says, “I’m fine.” There are many reasons we say, “We’re fine,” which is not comforting to the men in our lives at all. So, what should you do when your wife says, “I’m fine?” Assess the situation and try these.

    There’s a good possibility that we could actually be fine. This is often the answer we give after a long day at work. This could also mean a long, drawn-out conversation about a problem is not what we’re up for right now. We’re not trying to be coy. We don’t want to explain ourselves any further.

    Take us at our word and let it go. If we want to talk further, we will let you know.

    2. We Have Something on Our Mind that We Are Afraid to Say

    We may be uncomfortable about something in the relationship but don’t want to come out and say it. In our society, people frown upon being the first to voice grievances in a relationship.

    Give us some time; we will eventually want to talk, and when we do, both parties need to be non-judgmental out of genuine concern for the issue from both parties.

    3. Don’t Always Assume it Has Something to Do with You

    Sometimes, we are upset about other things that have nothing to do with you. A rude coworker, a fight with a family member, losing a friendship. We can be upset about all kinds of things, and some things we can’t share because we want to protect someone’s privacy.

    If you ask and we don’t want to talk about it, let it go. We may feel like talking about it later, as long as it doesn’t infringe on anyone’s privacy.

    4. Remember We Are Complex

    Women are very multi-faceted and complex. This doesn’t mean you have to figure out the meaning of everything we say. Society conditions us to keep what hurts us inside, but you have the power to break down those walls. You should be wondering why you feel you can’t trust our answer and why we are trying to hide our emotions.

    5. Let Her Know How You Feel

    Photo credit: GettyImages/bernardbodo

    In a nonconfrontational way, let your partner know how you are feeling. Build up to an exciting conversation that she can take part in and explain why talking about what she is struggling with is beneficial. Easing her into a conversation will make her feel more comfortable and more willing to share about what is bothering her.

    6. Be Empathetic

    As you are discussing, keep control of your own emotions. What you think is something minor to be upset about may be huge for your wife. Keeping your feelings in check will help your partner feel comfortable sharing their feelings now and in the future.

    7. Give Her Time to Reflect

    While your partner is sharing the issue, listen actively; don’t just sit there. Ask questions when necessary to clarify what she’s saying or ensure you are on the same page. If the issue is a sensitive topic, she may need a warm hug or words of encouragement from you to help make her feel at ease.

    Letting her know you support her and then leaving her to reflect on the issue or situation and how she feels can be the best thing you can do. Many of us need to think through things and reflect to help process what has happened or how we feel.

    8. Respect Her Boundaries

    Don’t push the issue if she’s not ready to talk. The last thing she wants is to be hounded or peppered with a thousand questions when trying to work through something. Instead, go do something on your own for a while and then come back a little later and ask if she would like to talk.

    woman sitting on couch holding coffee mug with blanket thinking, the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak

    Photo credit: ©GettyImages/Prostock-Studio

    9. Reflect

    Think about the last time you were in this situation, and she said, “I’m fine.” What was going on in your life? Did you fight or say something that upset her? Did she have a bad day at work, or were the kids driving her crazy? Was she having issues with a friend, family member, coworker, or boss? How did you react?

    Reflecting on these things may give you some insight into why she is upset now. If some of the same things that upset her before are still going on, this may be why she’s upset now.

    10. Talk to Your Friends

    This doesn’t mean you should air your dirty laundry, but it may help to talk to some guy friends. Especially those who have been married longer than you. When you are just married, you are still getting to know each other, and living together differs from dating. You see each other at your best and your worst, twenty-four-seven, three hundred sixty-five days a year.

    Meet a friend for coffee, explain what’s going on, and ask for some advice. You are not the only man in the world who struggles when their girlfriend or wife says, “I’m fine.” Many men aren’t sure what to do in this situation.

    Seeking a friend who has been married either a few or several years longer than you should be helpful. This friend has had more time and experience navigating their relationship and will give you some good tips on what to do. Although every relationship is different, you can at least get some different ideas on how to approach this situation.

    11. Pray about It

    Ask the Lord to help you discern the best way to help your wife and for him to help her with what’s bothering her. Ask him to give her clarity about how to resolve the issue or what not to do if it’s going to make the issue worse.

    The relationship between a husband and wife is special and complex. Even after dating for several years, it takes time to know your spouse. Humans are complicated, and knowing what your spouse means is hard when they only give short answers. You may have to reflect on what’s going on in your life, leave her alone with her emotions, or trust what she says. Remember to keep communication open and honest and always try to communicate with love. Trust your instincts when your wife says, “I’m fine.” If your gut tells you she’s fine, then trust it. If it tells you something more is going on, give her some space. She will come back to talk to you in time, and then you can find out the meaning behind her “I’m fine.”

    Photo credit: GettyImages/Makidotvn

    Related Podcast Resource: 5 Ways to C.O.V.E.R. Your Marriage in Prayer

    One of the most important things you can do for your marriage is to pray for your marriage. Learning communication skills, conflict resolution techniques and intimacy hacks are great. However, if you’re leaving your marriage uncovered by failing to pray for your spouse and your marriage, it will always be vulnerable to attacks. Prayer is an essential guiding tool to get you and your spouse on the same page and create unity in your marriage. In this episode of Real Relationship Talk, Dana Che shares her acronym C.O.V.E.R., which teaches you how to specifically pray for your marriage. To listen, just click the play button below:

    The views and opinions expressed in this podcast are those of the speakers and do not necessarily reflect the views or positions of Salem Web Network and Salem Media Group.

    WATCH: Signs You Married for the Wrong Reasons

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  • Can I Be Happy as a Single Christian?

    Can I Be Happy as a Single Christian?

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    There are disagreements within the Christian community over the matter of which is better—being married or being single. The Bible tells us that each is a good option (1 Corinthians 7:1-40). Those who are married should not condemn those who are not married, and those who are single should not condemn those who are married. With that being said, many individuals are still concerned if they can be happy as single Christians. While it is true the Bible says both are good, holy, and pleasing to the Lord, there is still the question of whether a Christian can be happy if they never get married.

    If you are a single Christian, know that this gives you the opportunity to be completely devoted to the Lord (1 Corinthians 7:32-34). Being completely devoted to the Lord is a beautiful thing because it means you have your eyes fully set upon Christ. This will allow you to grow and mature in your faith in ways that others cannot. Married couples are concerned about pleasing each other; however, single Christians are most concerned about serving the Lord.

    Serving the Lord brings an individual much joy and happiness. By worshiping and serving the Lord, you are doing what God created you to do. There is a misnomer circulating the world that you are somehow less of a person if you are not married. This could not be further from the truth. The seminary I attended briefly taught this incorrect view and it left a lasting impact on individuals. If you have been told this or made to feel this way, know it is not true.

    Being a single Christian does not make you any less of a person. You are completely loved and cherished by God. He says you are fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:13-16). Nowhere in the Bible are we told that marriage is superior to singleness. While it is true God says that it is not good for man to be alone, a single Christian is never really alone. There are many other trusted Christian individuals one can lean on and receive help from in their time of need. 

    Leaning on Other Single Friends 

    This is why it is important for you to lean on other single Christian friends when you are feeling down. This is not to say all single Christians feel this way because many do not. Singleness is a gift and something that should be cherished; however, it is not unrealistic to say many Christians do not want to stay single forever. Remember the truth that whether this is a season of singleness or if you will stay single for your entire life, it is all working out for your good (Romans 8:28).

    This can be hard for the single Christian woman who sees all of her friends getting married while she hasn’t ever dated or for the single Christian man who feels as though there is something wrong with him whenever he asks a woman out on a date and the woman says no. If you are going through one of these things, know that singleness is nothing to be ashamed of. You might feel like the odd one out, but remember the truth that God doesn’t make mistakes, and you will be able to have a more devoted relationship with Him through your singleness.

    Talking with your single Christian friends can also help if you have a strong desire to date or get married. They will be able to help you process these feelings and desires. It would be especially helpful if these individuals were older Christians who are seasoned in knowing what it means to be single and committed to someone. By talking to them, you will be able to see the joy in their eyes and feel the happiness that they radiate, whether married or not. 

    Your Worth Is Not Tied to Your Relationship Status 

    It is also worthwhile to mention that to be happy as a single Christian, you have to stop tying your worth to your relationship status. It doesn’t matter if you are single or married—you are seen as beloved in the eyes of God. God does not think more highly of people who are married compared to those who are single and vice versa. The idea that your worth is tied to your relationship status comes from unbiblical teachings. 

    Your worth is found in Christ alone. This is reason enough to rejoice. You do not have to prove yourself to anyone nor do you have to explain yourself to anyone. As a single Christian, you are 100% worthy. You are worthy because of Jesus. In the same way, married couples are 100% worthy because of Jesus. A person’s worth is not tied to their relationship status, but rather, it is found in Christ.

    Joy in Singleness 

    With all of these facts in mind, there is no reason not to be happy as a single Christian. Just because you are single does not mean you are missing out on anything. There is a beauty in singleness and a blessing to behold. You will be able to spend devoted time with the Lord and allow Him to lead every step of your life. Do not let others look down on you or view you as “incomplete” if you are not married. You are complete in Christ just as you are.

    Whether you are single for a few years before God brings the right person into your life or you are single for the rest of your life, know that there is nothing wrong with singleness. The idea that there is something “bad” or “wrong” with being single doesn’t come from God. Instead, it comes from the idea that everyone has to be married. Not every individual Christian will get married in their lifetime, and that is okay.

    There will be many single Christians who never marry, and we need to normalize it. It is completely okay and biblical to remain unmarried. You could choose to remain single because you want to devote yourself to serving God, or you could find yourself to be single because this is what God has planned for your life. The important thing to remember is that you are worthy, loved, and cherished by God. Even if you may never marry does not mean you will be miserable.

    Consider this: many people who are married are miserable. Their spouses leave them, cheat on them, or are abusive to them. As we can see, a life of singleness is nothing to be afraid of. Both singleness and marriage pose their own problems. Regardless, by being single, your entire focus is on the Lord, and He will never leave.

    Marriage is difficult, and it is not for every person. Films, television shows, and music all try to make it out to be a walk in the park, but it isn’t. If you ask any married couple, they probably have their own issues. Just because someone is married doesn’t mean they are happy all the time. In the same way, just because you are single doesn’t mean you will be miserable all the time. Within marriage and singleness, there will both be times of despair and happiness. 

    Therefore, yes, you can be happy as a single Christian. There is nothing wrong with being a single Christian. You will be able to serve God more fully and faithfully. Being single is a gift and nothing to be ashamed of. There will be times of sorrow, grief, and despair, but there will also be times of happiness, joy, and smiles. The same goes for married individuals. As we can see, you can be happy whether you are married or single—it’s all about focusing on Jesus. 

    Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/Prostock-Studio

    Vivian Bricker loves Jesus, studying the Word of God, and helping others in their walk with Christ. She has earned a Bachelor of Arts and Master’s degree in Christian Ministry with a deep academic emphasis in theology. Her favorite things to do are spending time with her family and friends, reading, and spending time outside. When she is not writing, she is embarking on other adventures.



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    Vivian Bricker

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  • Lysa TerKeurst Celebrates Second Marriage after ‘Painful’ Divorce

    Lysa TerKeurst Celebrates Second Marriage after ‘Painful’ Divorce

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    Best-selling author and Proverbs 31 Ministries founder Lysa TerKeurst has announced that she has remarried two years after her divorce from her husband, Art TerKeurst, after 29 years of marriage.

    “I want to invite you in to share a new chapter in my life,” TerKeurst captioned in a post on Instagram on Thursday.

    According to The Christian Post, the post included several photos from her wedding to her new husband, Chaz.

    “In January of 2023, I met Chaz. And as the pages kept turning last year, we knew what we’d found in each other was love. A beautiful love that requires work like love always does. But a togetherness that is safe, honest, fun, funny and surrendered to the sacred way God tells us to love and care for each other.”

    “We got engaged last fall, which I decided to hold private so I could tell as many people as possible face to face. I got to tell many of you when we saw each other at stores and airports and coffee shops and dinners and FaceTimes. Those were sweet conversations I treasure.”

    View this post on Instagram

    A post shared by Lysa TerKeurst (@lysaterkeurst)

    “And then last week, surrounded by our family and some beautiful mountains, Chaz and I exchanged our vows. As soon as we were announced husband and wife, some fun music started playing. I invited our kids and grandkids to join in as we all danced in the gently falling snow.”

    In January 2022, Terkeurst announced she had filed for divorce from Art in 2021 due to infidelity. While she initially wanted to divorce her husband in 2017 because of infidelity and addiction, the couple renewed their vows a year later after restoring their marriage.

    However, she sought for divorce a second time after Art broke the renewed vows. A subsequent court filing found that Art spent more than $118,000 on an extramarital affair with a woman he met on SugarDaddy.com.

    “Over the past several years, I have fought really hard to not just save my marriage, but to survive the devastation of what consistent deception of one spouse does to the other,” she wrote at the time. “It’s brutal and heart crushing to constantly fear the hurtful choices of someone you love. I’ve had to learn the hard way there’s a big difference between mistakes (which we all make) and chosen patterns of behavior that dishonor God and the biblical covenant of marriage.”

    With Art, the couple have five adult children together.

    RELATED:
    Lysa TerKeurst Opens Up about Finding Love Again following Her Divorce
    ‘Brutal and Heartcrushing’: Christian Author Lysa TerKeurst Announces  Divorce from Husband of 29 Years

    In her recent post, TerKeurst pointed to God’s faithfulness amid her seasons of hardship.

    “God is kind. God is faithful. When life begs me to believe otherwise, I remind myself that God’s not done yet. There’s more to be revealed. We’ll see,” she wrote.

    “And though I sometimes still feel pricks of pain over some really hard stuff in the past, I’m so grateful I didn’t stay stuck trying to make things happen my way and in my timing. In my stubbornness, I thought I knew what was best. It was God’s grace all those times He told me ‘no,’” TerKeurst continued.

    “God helped me learn to lean on Him in the midst of my biggest disappointments and how to sit alone and be okay. He helped me fight battles that are still going on, not with one great big miraculous intervention, but instead with daily provisions and assurances.”

    TerKeurst, who leads Proverbs 31 Ministries, has authored several New York Times bestselling books, including It’s Not Supposed to Be This Way and Forgiving What You Can’t Forget.

    Image credit: Lysa TerKeurst / Instagram

    Milton Quintanilla is a freelance writer and content creator. He is a contributing writer for Christian Headlines and the host of the For Your Soul Podcast, a podcast devoted to sound doctrine and biblical truth. He holds a Masters of Divinity from Alliance Theological Seminary.

    LISTEN: Let Our Bible Study Expert Help You Start the New Year Right!

    Have you ever chosen a word for the year? Whether you pick a word each year or never have before, I think this episode will help you order your life in the year to come. If you don’t know what your word is, today might be a great day for you to hear some of the things that we are promised in Christ that you in faith can claim for yourself for 2024. Keep in mind, each of these words requires faith.

    The views and opinions expressed in this podcast are those of the speakers and do not necessarily reflect the views or positions of Salem Web Network and Salem Media Group.

    WATCH: 5 Verses on Strength for When You Feel Weak

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    The views and opinions expressed in this podcast are those of the speakers and do not necessarily reflect the views or positions of Salem Web Network and Salem Media Group.

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    You can read Rhonda’s full article here.



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    Milton Quintanilla

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  • What Do We Do When Marriage Is Hard?

    What Do We Do When Marriage Is Hard?

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    Some couples speak of blissful-filled marriages, where spending time together is wonderful and the constant conversations never end. It’s wonderful, too, to hear of these ideal, trouble-free unions. Who wouldn’t want to reside in such a carefree, easy sort of relationship where husband and wife are each other’s best friends?

    For other couples though, it’s a very different story. Staying married is filled with challenges, and for many, just trying to get along, communicate, and co-reside in a home is an ongoing battle.

    There’s also lots of chatter in our culture concerning marriage, relationships, and red flags, including opinions and advice from a secular, unbiblical viewpoint that doesn’t align with God’s truth. It’s important when going through marital challenges that we don’t turn to worldly views because they’re tickling our ears with what we want to hear, feel, and do rather than the truth of God’s Word.

    Likewise, we often look around and see couples we think have it all together, but even in marriages that appear to be solid with the perfect couple, it can be hard. Evangelist Billy Graham’s wife, Ruth, is credited with saying, when asked if she ever considered divorce, “No, but murder, yes.”

    Why Fight for a Marriage That’s Hard?

    Tragically, marriage is under severe attack. Society is working to have people devalue, avoid, mock, and redesign it. However, God designed marriage to be a sacred union, respected, revered, and held holy before Him.

    Our culture has been whittling marriage down to a legal contract for whoever wants to marry. But marriage is a sacred covenant designed by God. Men’s and women’s laws do not have the power to reinvent it.

    Marriage is so vital to God and His plan for His followers because it represents the relationship between His Church and Jesus Christ. It’s why the devil is out in full force, attacking and ripping marriages apart, set on destroying and stopping God’s will on earth.

    Revelation 19:7 describes Christ and His Church to come: “Let us rejoice and be glad and give Him glory! For the wedding of the Lamb has come, and His bride has made herself ready.”

    More than most Christians realize, marriage is more than worth the fight, just like the Church of Jesus Christ is worth fighting the battle. Believers unwilling to fight for their marriages may find it too hard to stand up and fight for the Church.

    Why Bother to Save a Difficult Marriage?

    It is vital for believers in Jesus Christ to take their earthly marriage vows with reverence and commitment, understanding that it is a covenant with God and with each other, not a contract. Ephesians 5:25-33 explains how, through the mystery of earthly marriage designed to form an unbreakable bond between husband, wife, and God, He reveals the mystery of His Bride, the Church.

    “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the Church and gave Himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through word and to present her to Himself as a radiant Church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.” Ephesians 5:25-27

    God designed marriage as the model for what the Church is to be—the Body of Christ on Earth. Ephesians 5:28-30 goes on to explain, “In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the Church—for we are members of His body.”

    As Ephesians 5:31 explains, God created marriage as a profound mystery that reveals His eternal plan for Christ and His Church: “’For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.’ This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the Church.”

    Where Do Couples Turn for Help?

    For those who struggle in their marriages but want to do whatever they can to stay married, what can they do to keep going?

    What does a wife do if her spouse is distant, unresponsive, uninterested, or uninvolved? Does she sit him down and cross-examine him in hopes of finding out what’s going on? Perhaps for some couples, this course of action works, but especially for most men, they seem to clam up when being put on the spot and questioned. But what does God’s Word lead a wife to do? 

    At times when our marriage is in distress, we can turn to Scripture and trust what it tells us to do in difficult situations, especially when it comes to marriage. God gives us His Word to encourage, strengthen, and comfort us when marriage is hard. 

    Where Do a Husband and Wife Begin?

    The following are five ways we can practice scriptural truths in our marriages in a way that helps us stay married:

    1. Pray. First and most importantly, wives can pray for their husbands. 1 Timothy 2:1 encourages, “I urge, then, first of all, that petitions, prayers, intercession and thanksgiving be made for all people.”

    If at all possible, pray with them. By doing so, we’re letting God work through the words the Holy Spirit is leading us to say to soften his heart. 1 Thessalonians 5:11 urges us to “Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.” 

    2. Follow God’s Word. Jeremiah 17:9 reminds us that “The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?”

    So what do we say to ourselves when our hearts are leading us to leave our marriages and go with our fun-loving neighbor down the street? Or our co-worker in the office who gets us or the outgoing man at the coffee shop who notices us, pays extra attention, listens to our stories, and makes us feel attractive and wanted?

    The world’s advice to “follow our heart” can lead us straight off a steep cliff. We can’t trust our hearts to take us in the right direction. Mark 7:21-22 explains, “For it is from within, out of a person’s heart, that evil thoughts come—sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, greed, malice, deceit, lewdness, envy, slander, arrogance, and folly.”

    When temptation comes, we can turn to God to help us, and He will. In our weakness, we can turn to Him, follow His Word, and He will lead us to safety. “No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, He will also provide a way out so that you can endure it” (1 Corinthians 10:13).

    3. Choose Love. Unlike what songs, films, and poems often profess, love is not a feeling. It’s a decision. Although we may not like to admit it, feelings are often tied to how our spouse makes us feel, so when feelings diminish or change, which they usually do, we often believe we no longer love them. 

    But what some call love, the feeling that comes and goes with a whim and changes with the breeze, is not a love that comes from God because His love lasts; it never fails (1 Corinthians 13:8).

    True love is not a fleeting kind of love but rather a choice to love when it’s hard, with the love of God that is strong enough to cover sin. To endure a hard marriage is to let the love of God flow through us to our spouse. 1 Peter 4:8 urges us to “Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.”

    4. Forgive Each Other. Colossians 3:13 encourages us to “Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”

    Although many see this as forgiving everyone but their spouse, marriage is probably where this godly principle is needed the most and is given the greatest opportunity to be practiced. Ruth Bell Graham stated, “A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers.”

    5. Submit to One Another. Although some consider it demeaning in practice, even now in some Christian circles, submission is a beautiful act of sacrifice and worship to God. True submission is not about the other person but has everything to do with our reverence and obedience to Christ. Ephesians 5:21 urges, “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.”

    We’re called to submit to each other, including our husbands, which stirs up strong reactions from many women, who find it easier to do with almost anyone else rather than to their husbands.

    1 Peter 3:1-2 urges, “Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives.”

    Wives, although a hard pill to swallow, we want to ask ourselves and God if our unwillingness to submit to our own husbands reveals rebellion in our hearts towards God. The enemy of our souls doesn’t want us to submit to God and convinces us it is a weakness to do so, which is a lie because it’s quite the opposite. 

    Submission causes the devil to flee from us. James 4:7 explains, “Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.”

    Marriage to Be Honored by All

    Hebrews 13:4 calls for marriage to be honored by all, and this is why the devil and his cohorts are ruthlessly at work to destroy and deconstruct God’s sacred design.

    So how are couples able to withstand the vicious assaults against holy matrimony? God’s Word gives us the answer: by praying, following God’s Word, choosing to love one another, forgiving each other, and submitting one to another in obedience to Christ. 

    These are key to transforming a hard marriage into one that reflects Christ and His Church on Earth.

    Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/fizkes

    Lynette Kittle is married with four daughters. She enjoys writing about faith, marriage, parenting, relationships, and life. Her writing has been published by Focus on the Family, Decision, Today’s Christian Woman, kirkcameron.com, Ungrind.org, StartMarriageRight.com, and more. She has a M.A. in Communication from Regent University and serves as associate producer for Soul Check TV.



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  • 8 Ways Kids Will Change Your Marriage (for the Better!)

    8 Ways Kids Will Change Your Marriage (for the Better!)

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    Almost 13 years ago my husband and I welcomed our first born into our lives. This precious baby boy was the answer to many prayers. Our excitement ran high and our hearts were overflowing with emotion. We could not imagine anything better than that moment.

    But there was something better, our marriage.

    Having kids can be hard on a marriage. Too often we hear about couples who begin to struggle and find their marriages in a fragile place. Well, I am here to share with you eight ways kids will change your marriage, for the better.

    1. You Become a Better Team

    When I got married, I was told that marriage was something I would have to work at. I would need to be a team player. After having children, this piece of advice became clear. Husbands and wives become one before God on their wedding day. They commit to working together as a team to glorify the Lord.

    Becoming parents creates a stronger team. The level of empathy is driven higher. You are both now responsible for another life. That responsibility includes feeding, clothing, providing safety and security, and molding their minds in the way they should live. Both of you are now parents and you realize that working together can reap huge rewards for your children and your marriage.

    2. You Cherish Each Other’s Company More

    We are aware of how much time a child requires daily. By the time we get to the end of the day, there is just nothing left. Spending time with your spouse begins to suffer. That realization creates a situation where when you do get that special time together, you cherish it.

    You aren’t criticizing the fact that your time together is not filled with chocolates, roses, or candles. Time together as parents now includes sitting on the couch after the children are in bed or watching your favorite TV show together. Maybe you take a short walk around your neighborhood while someone watches the kids.

    None of these activities seem special, but for husbands and wives on the parenting journey, it is a time that you can just focus on each other. Couples can experience conversations without interruptions and cherish the time cuddling without your precious little one rooting between you.

    3. You Become More Present With One Another

    Being present with your spouse can fuel your connection with each other. When you are present with someone, you put aside your desires and expectations. You no longer have a standard your spouse should live up to. For a moment, all the expectations of parenting are put aside.

    It is safe to say that my husband and I don’t spend a lot of time together because we are parents. We are juggling schedules to get the kids to their activities, get to the grocery store, and make sure everyone has clean clothes. This reality has made me stop and pay attention more.

    I have found myself staring at my husband when he is working on his motorcycle, caring for the cattle, or even when he is reading a book. These are the moments I feel most present and connected with him. I see him in his natural environment and learn more about what he loves and how he loves.

    We can learn so much about our spouses by making ourselves present. Becoming parents helps us accomplish that because we are limited on our time.

    4. You Become More Aware of the Need to Carve out Time for Each Other

    Getting married changed the relationship between my husband and I. Before our wedding day we were diligent about spending time together. Of course, I was in college an hour away from him. Once we married, we were living together. We had each other 24/7 so the need to carve out time for each other was put on the back burner. Every night was date night.

    Parenting changed all of that. I was once told by a birthing counselor to remember that you had each other before the kids came along. How true that statement is. Too often we can put our children in front of our spouses needs. All our time is devoted to parenting and that can leave your spouse feeling neglected.

    Having children means we must carve out time together. That time is so special and so appreciated. Without children, I don’t think we would have date nights or be running away to sit in the car and just talk.

    Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/fizkes 

    5. You Have Better Communication

    Dr. Philip Cowan, a professor of psychology, stated in a 2005 article that parenting reveals fault lines in a marriage. I have to agree with this. Personally, I found my method of communication was terrible. As parents, we have moments where we feel underappreciated and exhausted. Then we lash out at our spouses. It’s after that moment has passed that we should be saying,” I’m sorry, I said those words in anger and I should have thought before I spoke.”

    My husband and I have found that our communication is much better now than before we had children. Couples have a clearer understanding of the need to be honest with each other and share their feelings openly. God created marriage so that we would have a helpmate.

    How can we help each other if we don’t communicate well? Having children will help you check in with each other regularly and keep the lines of communication open.

    6. You Create a Deeper Respect For One Another

    My husband often told me how much he admired me for becoming a mother. He experienced the nausea, exhaustion, and lower ability to breathe and even walk without waddling. During the birth process, he witnessed the miracle of birth and how dangerous it could be.

    Experiencing the birth and day to day events of raising children will bring you and your spouse closer. I know what being a mom is like, but I cannot understand the struggles of being a father. I respect and admire my husband for teaching our son how to be a Godly man and showing our daughter how a man should treat her.

    Having children truly does allow us the opportunity to see deeper into our spouse’s hearts and souls. What a blessing that could be!

    7. You Build a Greater Sense of Intimacy

    Intimacy is a feeling of closeness with someone. According to one definition I read, it is a private, cozy atmosphere. Couples with children need to have a private, cozy place with one another. As you drudge through the day-to-day, it is wonderful to be able to fall into the arms of your spouse.

    After kids, the intimate physical relationship with your spouse can change, but it doesn’t have to. I have experienced a greater sense of intimacy with my husband since having children. I realize that when the moon is in the sky, cuddling with my man makes me feel safe and accepted. Getting a hug or stealing a kiss in the middle of the day can reset your mind.

    8. You Build a Deeper Relationship with God

    God is the model all parents should follow. He has filled His word with instruction regarding parenting. The words in Deuteronomy 11:18-19 remind us that we are to fix the word of God on our hearts and teach them to our children. We are to speak the Word of God in our homes, when we walk, when we lie down, and when we get up.

    Teaching our children, the word of God starts with learning the Word ourselves. Husbands and wives that read the Bible together and pray together will develop a deeper relationship with Christ. They will turn to him for answers in their marriage and their parenting journey.

    Marriage is a sacred commitment made before God that is filled with joyous moments. Parenting can create struggles, but we now know that becoming parents doesn’t mean failed marriages. We can still nurture that relationship and build a solid marriage based on the Word of God.

    A marriage like that will teach our children what their marriages should be like. They will know what love, respect, and honor looks like. What better lesson can we teach our children than to love God and how to love the partner God created for them?

    Photo Credit: ©Pexels/Ketut Subiyanto

    Ashley Hooker headshotAshley Hooker is a freelance writer who spends her time homeschooling her two children, ministering alongside her husband as he pastors a rural church in West Virginia, and writing about her faith. Currently, she is a contributing author for Journey Christian magazine. She has taken part in mission trips with the NC Baptist Men during the devastation of Hurricanes Katrina and Harvey in Mississippi and Texas. In her local church, she has served on various committees focusing in the area of evangelism along with traveling to West Virginia and Vermont to share the Gospel. Her dream is to spend her time writing and sharing the love of Christ with all she meets.

    LISTEN: Let Our Bible Study Expert Help You Start the New Year Right!

    Have you ever chosen a word for the year? Whether you pick a word each year or never have before, I think this episode will help you order your life in the year to come. If you don’t know what your word is, today might be a great day for you to hear some of the things that we are promised in Christ that you in faith can claim for yourself for 2024. Keep in mind, each of these words requires faith.

    The views and opinions expressed in this podcast are those of the speakers and do not necessarily reflect the views or positions of Salem Web Network and Salem Media Group.

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