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  • Godly Ways to Recover from a Big Mistake

    Godly Ways to Recover from a Big Mistake

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    Sin can be so costly that the tragedy is unrecoverable, making us feel like we’ve crashed and can’t get back to where we were. We can do more harm to ourselves by dwelling on why we messed up. Our mind, particularly Satan, fools us into believing it’s irrevocable, that we can’t move on.

    Why Do Christians Make Big Mistakes?

    One of the main reasons Christians make blunders of varying magnitude is that God has given man the freedom to do anything he wants. In other words, God has given man the ability to make choices. 

    People frequently pray to God but are not patient enough to wait for His response and choose to blaze their own trail. God does not stand in the way of someone who has decided to do something, even if that person has asked for God’s direction but then continues to do whatever they wish. 

    Our bad choices cause us anguish and grief. However, when a Christian acknowledges that he has made a mistake, that individual seeks God’s assistance. 

    Sincere repentance deepens a Christian’s relationship with God and cultivates a stronger relationship. Even if making mistakes is undesirable, when they occur, the Christian has the grace to exercise his confidence in God’s promises. 

    Sometimes, afflictions or temptations may arise as a test of the graces or virtues of men. It doesn’t necessarily mean every trial comes because of sins or mistakes. However, if sin is not acknowledged, a believer is typically put under pressure and made to bear the consequences of his actions by undergoing trials. A “trial” is a hardship that puts the strength and faith of a Christian to the test. 

    1 Peter 1:7 “That the trial of your faith, being much more precious than of gold that perisheth, though it is tried with fire, might be found unto praise and honor and glory at the appearing of Jesus Christ:”

    God does not want Christians to be victims of their own faults, but when they are, He is dedicated to seeing them through. 

    James 1:13 “Let no man say when he is tempted, “I am tempted of God: for God cannot be tempted with evil, neither tempteth he any man:” God never tempts anyone. But people’s lusts and passions lead to mistakes and temptations that overwhelm us.

    Christians must study the Bible diligently and patiently listen to the direction of the Holy Spirit to grasp God’s plan before making decisions, and our approach to studying the Word of God matters if we are to hear from the Holy Spirit. The Scriptures should be read in prayer to prepare our hearts to hear from God. Prayer is required both before and after reading God’s Word because the devil is ready to misinterpret or steal the message a Christian can receive from the Bible.

    It is reassuring to know that God does not abandon us after we have committed sins that may cause anguish and discomfort. Hebrews 10:23 says, “Let us hold fast the profession of our faith without wavering; for he is faithful that promised….” 

    God is faithful to keep His promises to which we turn with all our effort when we make costly mistakes. 

    Here are a few practical pointers on how to effectively recover–and grow stronger–after making a wrong decision:

    1. Accept Responsibility 

    It’s unfortunate if events don’t turn out how you intended, someone you relied on lets you down, or you have a bad day.

    When you stumble, you must make it clear to those affected by your error that you understand the magnitude of your mistake and accept responsibility. 

    If this mistake happened at your workplace, it is most appropriate for you to request a meeting to discuss the problem. Also, ensure that you maintain a professional tone focusing on the way forward rather than being sorry without a clear goal. Before talking about the mistake, prepare extensively by exploring the cause of the problem and writing down some key takeaways before the meeting. 

    If this mistake occurred in other aspects of your life, it is important that you boldly and penitently admit your faults. Take time to sit with those you’ve hurt (intentionally or not) and have the courage to look them in the eye and apologize. Take responsibility and accept the consequences of your errors. Understand the feelings of the people affected by your misdeeds while also accepting the process of improvement.

    2. Forgive Yourself

    After owning up to your faults and asking forgiveness from the people you wronged or were affected by your mistake, you also need to forgive yourself. Although it may sound cliche, thinking through your mistake, admitting it, and moving on will have an effect on how you press forward. 

    We are all humans, and we are all capable of making mistakes under different circumstances. It may sometimes appear that your lapse of judgment has harmed your confidence. This can hurt your career or relationships with others around you, but you should strive to focus on the positive aspects of yourself rather than the negative ones. Allow yourself to consciously forgive yourself for the error.

    3. Fix It (If Possible)

    Mistakes, even blatant sins, frequently have unintended consequences, and pretending they did not occur is not only risky for human relationships but destructive in your relationship with God. Don’t just walk away from your errors like they never mattered. As a matter of fact, you can’t recover until you make amends—at least as much as possible.

    Making amends entails going to the person harmed by your error and accepting responsibility. It also implies publicly owning the mistake where appropriate, doing your best to right the wrong, and fixing the problem your mistake has caused. 

    4. Resolve the Root Cause 

    Consider what caused the mistake and what you did to contribute to the problem. Understand that external circumstances cannot teach you anything; therefore, disregard them.

    The most crucial aspect of admitting responsibility and avoiding the long-term consequences of your blunder is devising a strategy to prevent a future recurrence. Search for sources of weakness in your process, approach, or actions while you are investigating and thoroughly understanding the situation.

    You could put checks and balances in place to warn you before a similar error is made. Come up with a backup plan to remedy any harm before the person leaves. 

    Also, devise a way to resolve such matters should they recur in the future.

    Improving your manners, attitude, and work methods will demonstrate to colleagues and people around you, both at work and in your personal life, that you are still a good and reliable person. And more importantly, this will assist you in regaining your confidence.

    If you take time to critically study your mistakes, you will notice trends in your behavior or approach that contributed to these errors. And once you know it, you’re well on your way to breaking the cycle. The worst life mistakes are the ones that you keep making.

    As a Christian, you should strive not to make the same blunders twice; not only should you learn from your sins, but you should also develop new processes to ensure they don’t happen again. And most importantly, don’t dwell on them; we’re all humans.

    5. Live Beyond Your Mistakes

    Your past might make you afraid to live in the future, but continue to boost your confidence by establishing more challenging goals or taking on new projects. Set your primary goals, but add another if you exceed your primary goal. Try to lead the work project once more. Extend a coffee invitation to the person you hurt. These tough, humbling actions will demonstrate initiative. 

    (However, be prayerful and patient for when the timing is right to make these bolder choices.)

    But achieving these objectives or completing a new project will make you feel competent again and restore your confidence and trust in your ability to be forgiven and move forward in Christ.

    Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/AndreyPopov

    Emmanuel Abimbola is a creative freelance writer, blogger, and web designer. He is a devout Christian with an uncompromising faith who hails from Ondo State in Nigeria, West Africa. As a lover of kids, Emmanuel runs a small elementary school in Arigidi, Nigeria.

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    Emmanuel Abimbola

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  • What Are Fake Christians and How Do We Know When We See One?

    What Are Fake Christians and How Do We Know When We See One?

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    When I was in middle school, it was considered one of the biggest offenses to be told that you were a “poser.” This would imply that you’re trying to be someone you weren’t in an effort to impress others. For example—if a guy claimed he was a jock and even dressed one, but he had zero athletic skills, then he was a poser. Perhaps he wanted the attention from girls that being a jock could attract. Sadly, “posers” aren’t just found in middle school; there are some who have crept into today’s church, pretending to be a Christian. So what exactly are fake Christians, and how do we know when we see one?

    What Are Fake Christians?

    The term “fake Christian” may bring to your mind an image of someone who is a hypocrite. Although there are plenty of hypocritical Christians, we need to break this term down in order to accurately define what it means.

    We know that the word fake suggests inauthenticity. Counterfeits.

    A Christian is someone who has accepted Jesus Christ as his or her Lord and Savior. This person is considered saved, or “born again,” because they have applied the principle found in Romans 10:9: “If you openly declare that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.” The underlying factor that differentiates believers from nonbelievers is the Holy Spirit that abides within us, according to Ephesians 1:13: “And when you believed in Christ, he identified you as his own by giving you the Holy Spirit, whom he promised long ago.”

    With these two definitions in mind, we can define a fake Christian as being one who has not genuinely been born again, and yet they put on the persona as though they have.

    Perhaps this person chose to wear the Christian title so they could profit off that reputation (similar to those jock posers back in middle school). All of us have likely, at one time or another, attempted to fit in with a certain crowd. If an unbeliever discovered they could gain a certain kind of acceptance through “fitting in” with a church crowd or Christian industry, they may have preferred to wear a church mask rather than actually accepting Christ into their heart.

    But if someone wanted the acceptance, or the benefits, that come from being a Christian, why wouldn’t they—you know, actually become a Christian? One reason is that they may not believe in the message of the cross. 1 Corinthians 1:18 reminds us that “The message of the cross is foolish to those who are headed for destruction! But we who are being saved know it is the very power of God.”

    Another reason is that, while they may relish in their false Christian appearance, they are ultimately not willing to dedicate their hearts and lives to God. Being a true Christian would involve sacrificing their ungodly lifestyle—or else they’d continue that lifestyle and live with the guilt. The enemy is a deceiver, and he attempts to make Christianity look like bondage to unbelievers so they will choose to remain “free” to live for him instead.

    To summarize, fake Christians are those who have chosen a saved appearance rather than a saved heart. They care more about their status through the eyes of the church, their family, or a Christian industry rather than their status through the eyes of God.

    What Is an Authentic Christian?

    An authentic Christian, on the other hand, is one who has accepted Christ as his or her Savior. The light of the Holy Spirit abides within this person. Matthew 7:20 provides an indication of how we can identify an authentic Christian: “Yes, just as you can identify a tree by its fruit, so you can identify people by their actions.”

    The speech and actions of these authentic Christians overflow with fruit of the Spirit, because Galatians 5:22-23 tells us, “But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things!”

    In addition, those whose hearts are abandoned to God have a concern for matters that concern Him and a hatred toward evil. James 1:27 tells us that “Pure and genuine religion in the sight of God the Father means caring for orphans and widows in their distress and refusing to let the world corrupt you.”

    This doesn’t mean that these authentic Christians do not commit sin; after all, Jesus is the only sinless human who walked the earth (1 Peter 2:22, 2 Corinthians 5:21, 1 John 3:5, Hebrews 4:15). Rather, when true believers commit sin, they are convicted by the Holy Spirit (see John 16:8) and live a life of repentance. They are set free from living in bondage to sin and have been purified by the blood of the Lamb. 

    Because believers know that we will someday give an account for the way we lived our lives (2 Corinthians 5:10), authentic Christians strive to serve God and obey His Word. They understand that God’s opinion carries more weight than man’s because Galatians 1:10 reminds us, “If pleasing people were my goal, I would not be Christ’s servant.”

    What Is the Difference between Fake Christians and Wayward Christians?

    Thankfully, our salvation is not determined by works but by faith (Galatians 2:21). Otherwise, no one would be worthy enough to stand before God in eternity! 

    With this in mind, let’s be careful not to assume someone is a “fake Christian” because of their struggle with sin. As humans, we tend to “look on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart” (see 1 Samuel 16:7). God is the One who will ultimately determine a person’s eternal fate. James 4:12 reminds us, “There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, the One who is able to save and to destroy; but who are you who judge your neighbor?”

    There are those within the church who have genuinely accepted Christ as their Savior and once committed their lives to Him but have since strayed from following His Word. Perhaps this Christian goes to church weekly, prays occasionally, and even loves God—but their love for Him is not reflected in the way they live, speak, or make daily decisions.

    When we spot these Christians, let’s refrain from passing judgment and instead extend godly love toward them, praying that the Holy Spirit will convict them. We can also pray about how we can play a role in leading that person back to the truth. James 5:19 says, “My dear brothers and sisters, if someone among you wanders away from the truth and is brought back, you can be sure that whoever brings the sinner back from wandering will save that person from death and bring about the forgiveness of many sins.”

    Does Scripture Address the Idea of Fake Christians?

    Scripture makes it clear that there are those who will call themselves Christians on earth, but when they reach eternity, their hearts and true intentions will be revealed.

    Matthew 7:21-23 says, “Not everyone who calls out to me, ‘Lord! Lord!’ will enter the Kingdom of Heaven. Only those who actually do the will of my Father in heaven will enter.  On judgment day many will say to me, ‘Lord! Lord! We prophesied in your name and cast out demons in your name and performed many miracles in your name.’ But I will reply, ‘I never knew you. Get away from me, you who break God’s laws.’”

    We also know that God despises a kind of Christianity in which a person is not committed to a godly lifestyle. “Straddling the fence” should never be an option for the true believer. Revelation 3:15-16 says, “I know all the things you do, that you are neither hot nor cold. I wish that you were one or the other! But since you are like lukewarm water, neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of my mouth!” 

    Remember Judas Iscariot? He was once considered an apostle of Jesus, but his true motives were soon revealed. When he betrayed Jesus, it was proven that he was more interested in what he could gain from Jesus rather than how he could serve him. It is believed that Judas had a financial intention behind betraying Jesus (see Matthew 26:14-15).

    Sadly, there are still many Judas Iscariots within the church today—people who perform like a Christ-follower and may even be well-versed in “Christianese,” and yet their motives are purely for fleshly gain rather than spiritual gain. 

    How to Spot Fake Christians

    Let’s ask the following scriptural questions:

    Does this person love this world and the things it offers them? 

    1 John 2:25 says, “Do not love this world nor the things it offers you, for when you love the world, you do not have the love of the Father in you.”

    Does this person love other believers?

    1 John 3:14 says, “If we love our brothers and sisters who are believers, it proves that we have passed from death to life. But a person who has no love is still dead.”

    Does this person bear fruits of the spirit, as addressed in Galatians 5:22-23?

    Healthy fruits are an indication that a person is attached to the vine (John 15:5).

    Does this person live according to the flesh or the spirit (Romans 8:13)?

    Do they express works of the flesh as addressed in Galatians 5:19-21 (such as drunkenness, sexual immorality, divisions, etc.)? We are told, in this passage, that “those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God.” In addition, Jesus says in Mark 7:20-23, “’What comes out of a person is what defiles him. For from within, out of the heart of man, come evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, coveting, wickedness, deceit, sensuality, envy, slander, pride, foolishness. All these evil things come from within, and they defile a person.’”

    Does this person possess a genuine fear of God? 

    Proverbs 14:2 says, “He who walks in his uprightness fears the Lord, but he who is devious in his ways despises Him.”

    Does this person teach a false gospel?

    By false gospel I mean one that is “a different doctrine and does not agree with the sound words of our Lord Jesus Christ” (1 Timothy 6:3-5)?

    Does this person’s faith rest “in the wisdom of men” or in “the power of God”? (1 Corinthians 2:5)

    Lastly, does this person overflow with the love of God as addressed in 1 Corinthians 13:2? And is this a worldly kind of love that tolerates sin, or is it the godly type of love that extends compassion on everyone but holds righteous anger toward sin?

    Again, let’s be slow to judge and refrain from tossing accusations toward someone who claims to be a believer. After all, godly love is the kind that “bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things” (1 Corinthians 13:6-7).

    We can, however, use wisdom and discernment to take heed of red flags when we see them. But this does not give us the right to gossip about someone within a congregation. Instead, we can find reassurance in the truth laid out in, Ecclesiastes 12:14, which says, “For God will bring every deed into judgment, with every secret thing, whether good or evil.” 

    This isn’t to say we are not held accountable to speak up about obvious sin within the church (see 1 Corinthians 5:12). Let’s do this from a place of godly love rather than a “holier-than-thou” attitude like the Pharisee did in the parable found in Luke 18:9-13:

    “The Pharisee stood by himself and prayed this prayer: ‘I thank you, God, that I am not like other people—cheaters, sinners, adulterers. I’m certainly not like that tax collector!”

    After all, the one whom you may deem as fake could be someone whose struggle with sin is merely more obvious than yours. So rather than pointing fingers, let’s invest most of our energy into our own faith journey, determined that we will be known as a passionate follower of Christ.

    The godly love we extend toward believers and non-believers alike speaks volumes louder than our Christian title. In fact, the loyalty and devotion we express toward God and others could be the very thing that leads those “fake Christians” to Christ.

    Tessa Emily Hall is an award-winning author who wrote her debut novel when she was sixteen. She is now a multi-published author of both fiction and non-fiction inspirational yet authentic books for teens, including her latest release, LOVE YOUR SELFIE (October 2020, Ellie Claire). Tessa’s passion for shedding light on clean entertainment and media for teens led her to a career as a Literary Agent at Cyle Young Literary Elite, YA Acquisitions Editor for Illuminate YA (LPC Imprint), and Founder/Editor of PursueMagazine.net. She is guilty of making way too many lattes and never finishing her to-read list. When her fingers aren’t flying 128 WPM across the keyboard, she can be found speaking to teens, teaching at writing conferences, and acting in Christian films. Her favorite way to procrastinate is to connect with readers is on her mailing list, social media (@tessaemilyhall), and website: www.tessaemilyhall.com.

    This article is part of our larger resource library of Christian practices and disciplines important to the Christian faith. From speaking in tongues to tithing & baptism, we want to provide easy to read and understand articles that answer your questions about Christian living.

    10 Things to Know about Speaking in Tongues
    The Fruit of the Spirit – What Are They?
    What Is the Tithe?
    What Is the Sabbath and Is it Still Important?
    Baptism – What Does it Mean and Why Is it Important?

    Communion – 10 Important Things to Remember
    Armor of God – What Is it and How to Use It
    What Does it Mean to Be Righteous?
    What Is Christening?
    What Is Submission?

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    Tessa Emily Hall

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  • 5 Things Adult Children Wish Their Parents Understood

    5 Things Adult Children Wish Their Parents Understood

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    Growing up can be hard. While we are children, we don’t fully understand how our parents’ actions, words, and behavior can affect us. As adults, the way our parents treat us can also deeply affect us. In retrospect, as adults, we can often think of many things we wish our parents would understand. While some of our parents may never try to understand, here are five things adult children wish their parents understood:

    1. Your Standards Are Too High

    One thing that adult children wish their parents understood is that their standards are too high. Growing up, my mother’s standards placed upon my sisters and me were unattainable. Maybe you experienced something similar as you were growing up. My mother’s standard was perfection and anything short of perfection was treated as a failure. As a child and a teen, I didn’t think her standards were unreasonable because it’s all I ever knew. Now, as an adult, I recognize that the standards my mother placed on my sisters and me were too high. Instead of being told that what we did wasn’t “good enough,” we needed to be supported and encouraged.

    What our parents say to us does affect us deeply in many ways. If our parents constantly tell us we are not “good enough” or that we are a “failure,” how are we expected to grow? Sadly, some adult children can continue this behavior when their children become adults. Adult children need to be reminded that they are enough and that they are loved. If you are a parent and have recognized that you have set the standards for your children too high, take a step back and analyze how your words and actions have affected your child. Once you have noticed how your standards have impacted your child, refrain from setting impossible standards. 

    Nobody is perfect, and it is unreasonable to think anyone can be perfect. Adult children can notice their parents’ standards are too high when their parents make comments such as “You should be finished with college by now,” “You should be married by now,” and “You should have children by now.” All of these standards and remarks only do damage. They do nothing to help. If you want to be supportive of your adult child, tell them how proud you are of their accomplishments, even if they don’t necessarily meet the standards you had placed on them. 

    2. I Wish You Were Proud of Me

    A second thing adult children wish their parents would understand is that they wish their parents were proud of them. Similar to the previous point, many adult children see or feel their parents have never been proud of them. From personal experience, I have never felt my parents were proud of me. I have always wanted them to be, yet they have never been. Since I wasn’t good at the things they wanted me to be, such as playing the piano, artwork, or conforming to others’ social standards, they weren’t proud of me. As children and even as adult children, it is important to tell your children you are proud of them.

    My mom passed away a long time ago, and I will never know if she was ever proud of me. She never told me she was proud of me, nor did I ever feel she was proud of me. Instead, I felt she was disappointed and ashamed of me. If you have felt the same way, you know how painful it can be and how much it can affect you as a person. Even as an adult now, I have never heard my surviving parent tell me he is proud of me. Does it affect me? Of course. I would be lying to say it doesn’t affect me. If you are a parent reading this, make sure you tell your adult children how proud you are of them. 

    3. You Have Hurt Me

    A third thing adult children wish their parents understood is that their parents have hurt them. As children and even as adults, it can be extremely difficult to tell a parent that they have hurt you. Some parents will dismiss your pain and hurt, which will only add more pain and hurt to your heart. Many things that my mom and dad said to me have hurt me. Being called an “extra” child or “Judas Iscariot” by my mother when I was going through an intense time of anorexia has paralyzed me in many ways. I have had many people try to dismiss the pain I’ve experienced from what my mom has said, but I encourage everyone to never invalidate someone else’s feelings. It doesn’t help them but rather forces them to just “get over it.”

    Adult children can still be hurt by many things of the past and parents can still hurt their adult children in the present. We need to only say things that will build each other up. We never need to tear down others with our words. Parents need to know better and use their words wisely. Everybody’s tongue has the power of life and death, yet it is up to us to choose what we will use our words for. If you are a parent, acknowledge that you have hurt your child and be supportive. While you may have never physically hurt your child, emotional and mental hurt can be just as traumatizing and damaging. 

    4. You Pushed Me Away When I Needed Help

    A fourth thing adult children wish their parents understood is that parents can push children away when they need help. There again, drawing from my own experience, my mother mostly tended to push me away when I needed help. I have had depression since I was thirteen years old, and when I tried to go to my mother for help, she dismissed me. She told me I needed to get over my “pity party” and start being happy. I was labeled ungrateful and unthankful. If you suffer from depression, you have probably had the same remarks made to you. As you know, they are not helpful. Children and adult children need their parents not to push them away but rather to be there by their side in their struggle—even if the parent doesn’t fully understand what their child is enduring.

    Many parents continue to push their children away even in adulthood. It is vital that you don’t do this because you can permanently hurt your child and damage the relationship you have with them. Instead of pushing them away, draw them near and offer them help. Even as adults, we still need our parents’ support, particularly through difficult times, such as mental illnesses, terminal illnesses, or the ending of relationships. We all need help at times and our parents must encourage and support us rather than push us away. 

    5. I Can Make My Own Decisions Now 

    A fifth thing adult children wish their parents understood is that we can make our own decisions now. Many parents try to control their adult children’s decisions, which can negatively affect their children. Instead of trying to make decisions for your adult child, let them make their own. Give them the freedom to make their own decisions and make their own path. While children appreciate their parents’ advice, they also need the freedom to make their own decisions. When we become adults, we have more serious decisions to make, such as buying a home, choosing a career, and how we will serve the Lord. 

    Even though parents might think they know best, parents need to allow their children the freedom to make their own decisions. Some decisions might not be the best, yet some decisions can be learning experiences. As much as parents would like to always make sure their adult children make the right decision, it cannot be promised. Every person has free will and with that free will, they can make their own decision. If you are a parent, allow your adult children to make their own decisions and refrain from saying anything negative unless their decision is something that goes against the Word of God. 

    Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/fizkes

    Vivian Bricker loves Jesus, studying the Word of God, and helping others in their walk with Christ. She has earned a Bachelor of Arts and Master’s degree in Christian Ministry with a deep academic emphasis in theology. Her favorite things to do are spending time with her family and friends, reading, and spending time outside. When she is not writing, she is embarking on other adventures.

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    Vivian Bricker

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  • How Well Do You Know Your Family? 36 Questions To Get To Know Each Other Better

    How Well Do You Know Your Family? 36 Questions To Get To Know Each Other Better

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    There’s always more to learn about your family.

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    Kelly Gonsalves

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  • 10 Ways to Recapture Your Husband’s Heart

    10 Ways to Recapture Your Husband’s Heart

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    In Song of Songs 4:16, the new bride says: “Let my beloved come into his garden and taste its choice fruits.” This young, obviously confident bride invited her husband to find pleasure in her. There is nothing more appealing to a husband than for his own wife to initiate lovemaking and that happens when you and I are confident in who we are, confident we are loved, and confident we won’t be rejected.

    In Song of Songs 7:1-9, Solomon gives a detailed description of his bride from the sandals on her feet to the hair on top of her head. Some commentators believe she might have been dancing before him as he compiled this description.

    Now you might be thinking If I were a young bride with a lean flat stomach and looked like her, yeah, I’d dance before my husband. But perhaps you aren’t comfortable with your husband inspecting you from head to toe. Or maybe he’s made a remark in the past that has you feeling self-conscious. I realize it is ingrained in us by our culture (and perhaps by some past wounds, too) to not be an “object” before any man and to be offended at any reference to your body being a point of visual pleasure for your husband. Yet, please remember something: You are his for life – the only woman your husband can gaze upon and enjoy with a right heart before God.

    Think about it. If your husband looks at anyone else the way he is allowed by God to look at you, he will be committing adultery in his heart. So, let him feast his eyes on you. Allow him to enjoy what he sees by taking the best care of yourself that you can, by dressing nicely, smelling pleasantly, and looking at him with eyes that you once had for him. Perhaps as you begin to look at him the way you once did, he will return that look the way he once did. 

    Photo Credit: ©Unsplash

    Cindi McMenamin is a national speaker and author of 17 books who has been married 30 years to a pastor and introvert. Her newest book, 12 Ways to Experience More with Your Husband, released Feb. 1 from Harvest House Publishers, and will help you diffuse the tension and heat up the passion in your marriage. Grab it at a special introductory sale price today or find more resources to strengthen your walk with God, your marriage, or your parenting, at her website: www.StrengthForTheSoul.com.

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    Cindi McMenamin

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  • How to Maintain Balance in Your Marriage

    How to Maintain Balance in Your Marriage

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    A healthy marriage is based on genuine love, honesty, trust, and respect. If you want to establish a fun-filled, stress-free relationship, it is critical to have a balance in marriage. Early in a marriage, the couple is typically madly in love and investing everything into the union. But as you interact with the same individual every day, in both good and bad times, things may get much more challenging. As a matter of fact, it doesn’t take long for one spouse to grow overburdened and bored. 

    To be honest, a romantic marriage goes beyond the customary mushiness, dinner dates, and movie dates. If you’ve been married long enough, you probably already know that a genuine relationship starts when the honeymoon is over.

    What Causes an Imbalance in Your Marriage?

    When you’ve been married for a while, your connection with your spouse may begin to feel stale and boring. You may even experience circumstances that give you the impression that your relationship is deteriorating and that you are gradually drifting apart.

    This is a warning sign that you must take prompt action and restore harmony to your union. Constant conflicts are the most common cause of marital imbalance, so it’s crucial to recognize where marriage conflicts stem from: 

    1. Minor or major conflicts

    Different factors could stir conflicts in your marriage. But whatever happens, you both must understand you sometimes might not be able to change your partner. 

    And to let peace reign in the relationship, you must put more effort into improving yourself than your partner. Ephesians 5:33 says, “Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself, and the wife see that she reverence her husband.”

    You should respect the fact that you and your spouse are different from each other. Also, learn to accept that your partner might have certain qualities and personality features that cannot be changed. Disagreements are normal in marriage, and you must learn how to deal with them in constructive ways. 

    (Keep in mind that building a bridge by saying cruel things to your spouse that you can’t take back is not a good idea.) 

    2. Ineffective communication

    Improved problem-solving abilities result from healthy communication, and this positively impacts marriages. 

    Work-related pressures can also have a significant impact on marital communication, as stressed-out partners tend to be more reclusive, angry, or hostile toward one another during the workday and less hostile at home on the weekends.

    As Christians, we must develop healthy communication skills with our spouses because if we do not develop effective communication skills or adopt healthy coping mechanisms, marital stress can negatively impact our children’s lives.

    3. Other factors

    Marriages are also significantly harmed by other stressors, including denial, avoidance, sadness, self-blame, negative self-verbalization, withdrawal, and more severe stressors, including drug misuse and violence. Other stressors common to daily life, such as illness, job loss, children, and other factors, also negatively impact marriages and can significantly change the quality of your marriage.

    How to Restore or Bring Balance to Your Marriage

    The secret to having a successful relationship where both partners feel at ease, supported, and respected is understanding how to maintain balance in the marriage. So, how do you restore balance to a failing relationship or bring balance to your marriage? You should take into account the following crucial concepts to keep your marriage in balance:

    1. Make your relationship more trustworthy

    You must be trustworthy and have faith in your spouse if you want to keep a relationship in balance. 

    If you have experienced betrayal in the past, it can be challenging to trust. But if you want balance in your marriage, you can’t take it out on your spouse who had no part in the betrayal. Try to be dependable by sticking to your word to establish trust in your marriage. One of the essential elements in developing trust in a relationship is honesty. When the situation calls for it, make an effort to be honest with your partner. 

    Nothing kills trust like a little white lie. Avoid it! It is difficult for your spouse to trust you again after you are exposed as a liar.

    2. Consider the privacy of your relationship

    Remember that your spouse had a life before you met them, and it will continue after you go. Recognize and respect your partner’s boundaries. Be careful not to invade their personal space. Also, acknowledge that your partner has personal needs and is a human being just like you.

    You don’t have to want to spend every minute of every day with your spouse. Sometimes they need to set their focus on other significant areas of their lives. Giving your partner a personal space is not disrespectful; they will value you more if you respect their privacy.

    3. Acknowledge conflicts

    A healthy marriage has both enjoyable and contentious times. It’s not a picture-perfect world where everything is ideal. Instead, it involves two different people, each with their own personality and actions. Recognize that your partner is different from you. As a result, you will occasionally have misunderstandings. But that doesn’t mean you two can’t get along. You need to communicate your pain points or displeasure with one another in a healthy way. Accept your differences. Understand one another’s viewpoints and respectfully disagree while never criticizing your partner’s flaws.

    Let love lead in your marriage. 1 Corinthians 13:4-5 “Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil.”

    Conflicts are a natural part of a healthy relationship, and they can even help it grow. But you must approach them wisely and exercise tolerance and patience.

    4. Healthy Communication

    Healthy and constant communication is crucial in building a healthy relationship. It enables deeper connections between individuals. No matter what, the couple must be able to communicate their sentiments to one another and attend to both their individual demands and their relationship needs. A marriage that is out of balance has inadequate communication, and the integrity of the relationship will be jeopardized if one party feels ignored. 

    It’s best to establish a strong connection with your partner and openly express yourself to them (1 Peter 3:1-9).

    Be honest and upfront about your emotions, and they must also pay complete attention to you. Having someone to share your life with is the main goal of a healthy marriage, so don’t be hesitant to show your partner your vulnerability. 

    5. Commit, compromise but don’t make many concessions

    Giving your all for the benefit of your relationship and your partner is admirable. It strengthens your bond and facilitates emotional reconnection with your spouse. But making too many concessions can destroy you, as your attention is eventually diverted from your personal needs and wants. Spending too much time with your spouse can make it difficult for you to take care of other essential things in your marriage or at home. When this happens, it is no longer a commitment but an unhealthy compromise. 

    Note that a healthy compromise does not negatively impact other significant aspects of your life or relationship.

    Saving money to see your significant other when you could spend it drinking at the bar is a healthy compromise. Being attentive to your partner is also essential, but it doesn’t have to be a hassle. 

    You develop an unbalanced connection the instant your mental well-being is stressed by your sacrifices.

    6. Honor your spouse’s preferences

    A powerful method to establish a balanced marriage is to respect your spouse’s decisions and preferences. 

    There will be times when your partner will make choices that you do not agree with. The wisest course of action is to accept it without fuss.

    Sometimes you can’t stop them from making bad choices. Although it can be hard to stand back and watch when you have the power to prevent your partner from making bad choices. The truth is, if they don’t want your assistance, you won’t be able to accomplish much. So, all you can do is give them some advice and let them decide for themselves. Be your partner’s refuge when everything around them turns against them. It is best to work together to come up with solutions rather than judge them.

    7. Avoid relying too much on your spouse

    Limiting your reliance on your spouse is another way to maintain balance in your marriage. It’s okay to solicit assistance from one another, and it is absolutely fine to discuss your problems with your partner and seek their advice on any matter. However, it is best not to rely solely on your spouse because they can become overburdened and believe you are incapable of supporting yourself. And this can be detrimental to your relationship because it gives them a chance to take advantage of you. 

    8. Stay true to who you are

    It is common for individuals in unbalanced marriages to keep their true selves hidden from one another. You should express your true self honestly and be genuine about it. Don’t fake it because you obviously won’t be able to keep it up for so long. And in the end, you will hurt your partner and the marriage when they eventually realize your true nature. 

    Keeping balance in your marriage requires that you respect, love, and be fully committed to your spouse. Ephesians 5:22-25 “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body. Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her.”

    Prioritize honesty, trust, and healthy communication with your spouse.

    Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/Ridofranz

    Emmanuel Abimbola is a creative freelance writer, blogger, and web designer. He is a devout Christian with an uncompromising faith who hails from Ondo State in Nigeria, West Africa. As a lover of kids, Emmanuel runs a small elementary school in Arigidi, Nigeria.

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  • 5 Bits of Encouragement for the Overlooked

    5 Bits of Encouragement for the Overlooked

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    We were born to live in a community, riding the ups and downs together. No one likes to be overlooked; even the most introverted person residing off the grid, one sitting in sweats and reading a book, needs human connection. When others fail to notice us, it can emotionally deplete us. It can cause us to withdraw and retreat, especially when we feel the offense is intentional.

    When I mentioned that I was writing this article to my husband, he looked at me wide-eyed and asked if I felt overlooked. “Do you feel overlooked by me?” he asked. My response, combined with a typical southern woman’s mean mug, was, “No. It is not always about you.” We’ve been married seventeen years, y’all. What can I say? I went on to explain that several times in my life, I’ve felt unseen, overlooked, or passed over in different relational areas. Some instances have seemed intentional, while others are just part of life.

    The beautiful thing about life’s trials is that they drive compassion deep into your blood. And although you can never step in the shoes of someone else’s challenging experiences, your heart can bleed with them. You can embrace them warmly, sit with them, and listen. It gives you a different perspective, a more down-on-your-knees, humble level.

    Whether you have been overlooked in friendships, relationships, sports, careers, or especially by the church, rest in the fact that you are never ignored by Jesus. Friend, I know we aren’t sitting on the same couch, but consider this my giant teddy bear hug for you. I may not be able to see you, but I know the One who does, and I pray these bits of encouragement give you restored hope.

    1. God Sees You When No One Else Does

    Among the many names of God that describe His perfect character, I find El Roi to be one of the most comforting. It means “The God who sees me” (Genesis 16:13). While you may feel invisible, know that God sees you. Hagar was the woman in the Bible who attributed this name to God, and she is the only character in the Bible to name God. She was pregnant and alone in the wilderness, running from Sarah’s cruelty and jealousy when the angel of the Lord visited her (Genesis 16). Friend, there is no place on earth you can ever run from God’s compassionate presence.

    2. God Hears You When No One Else Does

    I love how the Bible uses different names to explain the perfect harmony of God’s character and gives meaning to most biblical characters’ names. An article on Faith Gateway explains the significance of biblical characters’ names. “Many biblical accounts explain the meaning of a person’s name, and those names were significant to who those individuals were or who they were to become. In Jewish tradition, a child’s name was revealed in the same ceremony in which they were circumcised, a sign of the covenant.”

    Continuing with the story of Hagar, the angel of the Lord says in Genesis 16:10 that the Lord will increase her descendants so much they will be too numerous to count. “The angel of the Lord also said to her: ‘You are now pregnant, and you will give birth to a son. You shall name him Ishmael, for the Lord has heard of your misery’” (Genesis 16:11).

    When we put the story together with the meaning of the characters’ names, it paints the most beautiful picture for those of us who have felt neglected or abused. God takes this enslaved Egyptian, whose name means “forsaken,” and gives her a massive lineage through her son, Ishmael, whose name means “God hears.” Sister, God sees you, hears you, and knows the number of hairs on your head (Luke 12:7).

    3. God Loves You Always

    My prayer journal contains a box that says, “Lord teach me to….” I often ask the Lord to teach me to love unconditionally. Some days it is hard to love without conditions or judgments, especially when hurt, but I try my best. I inevitably fail at times, but I pray again and start over the next day. We are all a work in progress, but God is always the same (Hebrews 13:8). His love for us and our love for him is termed agape in Greek and is the highest form of love.  

    Knowing that God never changes and God is love (1 John 4:7-8), we can concur that God will always love His children even though we don’t deserve it. After all, God sent His only Son to pay the price for our sins because He loves us so much that He wants to spend eternity with us.

    “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.” (John 3:16, NIV)  

    4. God Always Has a Perfect Purpose for You

    The most notable story in the Bible of someone who is overlooked is King David. As kids, we hear the highlight reels of David’s life—like when David defeated Goliath with only a rock and a sling. But before becoming king, David started as a young shepherd boy. His dad, Jesse, didn’t remember to call him to the line-up when Samuel came to anoint David as king. Talk about overlooked! Yet, God set apart this lowly shepherd boy for a great purpose. While we may not be destined for earthly royalty or fame, God hand-picked us to fulfill a unique role in His kingdom.

    5. God Wants to Hear from You

    I’ve been passed over for jobs and writing opportunities throughout my life. I’ve been overlooked by peers, boys, and the church. When I was younger, these occurrences would rip my heart out. As I’ve matured, I’ve realized God often opens and closes doors because He has something better in store or is protecting me from harm. Not to say it doesn’t bring about distress and discouragement anymore, but I’ve grown to trust in His plan even when I don’t understand (Proverbs 3:5-6).

    On some of those loneliest days and nights, God was the only One I knew could hear and wanted to hear from me. And we would talk. Sometimes, He would answer with an overwhelming feeling of peace to get me through the next day. Some prayers have gone unanswered still, and some were responded to many years later. But there is a prayer He answered with a phone call right after the “Amen” rolled off my tongue:

    It was New Year’s Eve, and I was a sixteen-year-old who felt invisible to boys. Alone in my room, crying and depressed, I asked God to send me my soul mate. Two seconds later, the phone rang, and a boy I had been crushing on said, “Hello,” and invited me to a party. At that party, I met a new boy who made me forget about my crush who called me. We’ve been together twenty-three years this New Year’s Eve, and I never felt overlooked by him.

    Friend, prayer is not always answered instantaneously or as we wish, but His plans are only in place to prosper you. So keep talking to the One who sees and hears you.

    Photo Credit: ©iStock/Getty Images Plus/fizkes

    Darcie Fuqua is a Business Analyst, Auburn Grad (War Eagle!), Christian blogger & podcast host, and mental health advocate. She is from the deep south of Alabama, where she currently resides with her husband, two energetic fun-loving boys, and a dog named Charlie. She loves sinking her toes in the sand, cuddling with her boys, and having great conversations over a table of good food. You can read more of her writing on her website www.leightonlane.com and connect with her on Facebook and Instagram. Check out Darcie’s latest project as cohost of Therapy in 10.

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  • 7 Prayers That Changed My Heart for My Husband

    7 Prayers That Changed My Heart for My Husband

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    I’ve known my husband thirty-three years. We dated on and off four of those years, starting my sophomore year of high school and going into college. We were engaged less than a year. We’ve been married for over twenty-eight. Add in three kids, a zoo of pets, a few major moves, and a son who’s battled cancer twice, we’ve been navigating life together for what feels like a very long time. And most of it’s been rough.  

    During those early sporadic dating years, we always at least remained close friends. When we got back together the final time, my husband told me he’d compared everyone he’d ever dated to me, but none of them came close. It was me he’d been looking for the whole time. Me he loved. Me he wanted forever with.

    I can hear your collective “awww’s.” Because it sounds sweet and perfect and romantic, right?

    Not if you saw the other side of the picture. That would be my side. During the time we were building a relationship, my parent’s relationship was crumbling, half a brick by half a brick. A slow, ugly death that involved countless lies and another woman.

    When I met my husband, I had a father. When I married my husband, I did not. Not only did my dad check out on a quarter of a century with my mom, he completely abandoned me after nineteen years of what I thought had been a wonderful childhood.  

    To say I was a mess doesn’t begin to describe the aftermath of their divorce. How could someone who says they love you . . . leave you?

    On my wedding day, my husband walked down the aisle because he loved me. I walked down the aisle because I was desperate for love.

    I’m sure you can see the problem. I couldn’t. And it showed in the same fights we had over and over. Thirteen years and three kids in, I had a choice. Stay with this guy I’d “gotten stuck with” or abandon my family the way my dad did. No, I’d never leave my kids, but without their dad, they wouldn’t be the same. They’d lose the security I’d been so desperate to find.

    I stayed because it was the right thing to do. But I wanted more than the mess of a marriage I’d helped make. Something had to change. I needed glue to keep my husband and I together. That glue turned out to be God. He is truly a redeemer.

    I began praying for my husband fourteen years ago. I wish I would’ve prayed the other fourteen. The road would’ve looked so different. I would’ve been grateful instead of resentful of the man God gave me.

    It took me half my marriage to realize what I’d had all along. I couldn’t get past me. I couldn’t let past frustrations go. I couldn’t “see” my husband for who he really was. My dad kept getting in the way.

    Today, my husband is my favorite dinner date. My first-choice movie buddy. My preferred travel companion. My best friend. My refuge. My person. Sitting next to him calms me. Sharing life with him strengthens me.

    God did that. From the moment I stopped taking my frustrations out on my husband and started carrying them to God, He began to grow a love between us I never thought I’d have.

    Have you found the one whom your soul loves? Do you need to fall in love with your husband all over again? Or for the first time? Have you been married a day? A year? A quarter century? Now is the time to pray. Not sure where to start? Here’s what helps me.

    Download your own personal PDF copy of these beautiful prayers for your husband HERE. Print these to keep by your bedside, in the car, or at work to remind yourself of the power of praying over your loved one!

    1. Gratitude

    Lord, this first prayer isn’t really for my husband, it’s for me. I just want to thank You for giving him to me and me to him. You knew what You were doing all along. His traits that used to drive me crazy are now the strengths that fill in where I struggle. His traits that used to seem like weakness are now the places You’ve allowed me to shine. We complement each other. When I let You be the glue, we’re stronger together than we ever were apart. Thank you for putting my husband in my life.  

    2. Protect Our Bond

    You gave my husband and I to each other. You blessed our union. I know You want it to work even more than we do. Protect our bond. Keep my husband’s heart and eyes focused on me. Take away temptation. Stop anything thoughts that would lead him away. Put a wall around our relationship that keeps it just the three of us. With You in the middle, we can stand against anything. Thank you for the man You’re molding him to be.

    3. Be His Strength

    When my husband gets tired and beaten down, will You be his strength? Will you renew his spirit with your own? From the time he wakes up to the time he goes to sleep, give him what he needs to be the husband, father, employee, and friend You want him to be. If he feels like giving up, show him a reason to keep going. Bless Him every day and remind him he’s never alone.

    4. Be His First Love

    Jesus, I know that for my husband to love me, he first has to love You. Speak to his heart. Whisper to him in the moments that most matter. Show him he can trust You. Love on him so strongly he never has the need to look for another. Be his everything.

    5. Let Him See Me through Your Eyes

    Living with me isn’t always fun. Even in the best circumstances, nerves can get rubbed raw. I know I’m not the easiest person to be with. Give my husband Your heart when it comes to me. Let him see me the way you do. When he gets frustrated, saturate him in patience. Show him why I do or say the things I do. And then turn around and do the same for me.  

    6. Keep Him Safe

    Lord, I finally love this man you’ve given me the way I’m supposed to—with all my heart and soul. I want to do life with him, grow old with him, rock grandchildren with him. Bring him home to me every time he leaves. Walk ahead of him. Keep him safe—physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Take care of him.

    7. Bless His Job

    My husband works hard. The obligations must feel overwhelming. Protect his role as our provider. Our family needs his income and his benefits. And he needs to feel validated at work. Bless both those things. Give him a love for his job that only You can. Or find him a new job exactly where You want him to be. Lord, work is such a huge part of his life. Bless him while he’s there. The good he does carries farther than he’ll ever know. Help him see that he’s making a difference in so many lives.

    A final note: This article doesn’t address emotional or physical abuse in a marriage. It’s not meant to. Yes, prayer can change so much. But if you’re in a dangerous situation, please get help to put yourself in a safe place and find professional counseling that deals with these issues. God loves you so much even if it doesn’t feel like it right now, and I’m praying for you.

    Lori Freeland is an author, editor, writing coach, wife, mom, and creator of imaginary people—not necessarily in that order. An acquisitions editor for Armonia Publishing, former editor for The Christian Pulse, and regular contributor to Crosswalk.com, she writes fiction and non-fiction in several genres and has presented numerous writing workshops nationwide. When she’s not curled up with her husband drinking too much coffee and worrying about her kids, you can find her blogging at lafreeland.com.

    Photo Credit: ©Unsplash/Gus-Moretta

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  • How Is Your Connection with Jesus?

    How Is Your Connection with Jesus?

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    My husband was in an automobile accident on August 25th this past year. He was coming to a stop at a red light when an intoxicated 18-year-old plowed into Dan and two other vehicles. My poor husband has had a migraine every day since that night. He recently had a facet procedure that would hopefully stop the migraines or lessen the pain. The doctors thought the procedure would provide significant relief in a day or two. It hasn’t. As a result, Dan is exhausted from a lack of sleep. I am unsure if I have seen him so worn out and tired.

    Have you ever felt that way? Powerless? Like you are unplugged from the source of your power? Jesus calls us to be connected with Him and with others. But that will only happen if we are plugged into the right source. We cannot obey the words of Jesus without a connection with Jesus.

    Think with me about all the complicated, almost impossible-to-do teachings of Jesus.

    -Love your neighbor – easy with some, hard with others.

    -Pray for those who hurt you.

    -Love your enemy.

    -Forgive those who hurt you.

    -Be at peace with everyone.

    -Turn the other cheek.

    And so many more. The words of Jesus sometimes seem undoable. But check this out. Jesus also said:

    Humanly speaking, it is impossible. But not with God. Everything is possible with God (Mark 10:27).

    The impossible becomes possible when we stay connected with Jesus. Those “impossible to keep” commandments of Jesus become possible when we stay connected to him. This connectedness is crucial to the life of a Christ follower. The Bible uses metaphors to help us see the reality of our relationship with Jesus. The primary metaphor of the Old Testament is the one with which the Jewish people of Jesus’ day would have been most familiar.

    I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener (John 15:1).

    Photo credit: ©Unsplash/Amos Bar-Zeev

    When Jesus said I am the true vine, his followers, who were well-versed in the Old Testament, would have perked up because that line, “I am the true vine,” is a quote lifted directly from Psalm 80, a psalm many of Jesus’ followers would have known by heart. This Psalm would have come to their minds because it is built around this vine metaphor.

    The Psalmist retells the story from the book of Exodus. He is talking about the nation of Israel and comparing them to a vine clipping taken from Egypt and planted in a new land.

    You transplanted a vine from Egypt; you drove out the nations and planted it. You cleared the ground for it, and it took root and filled the land (Psalm 80:8-9).

    God snipped Israel, the vine from Egypt, and planted them in a new fertile land so they could grow ripe fruit that all the world may taste. But the Psalmist later says that this vine died. Israel failed to give themselves to the one true God who saved them. They failed to be a people of justice and mercy, caring for strangers, foreigners, and the poor. As a result, they were unable to bear fruit for the world.

    Despite God’s generosity, patience, and care for his people, they did not yield the fruit he desired. And so, the Psalm says God decides to send one singular and obedient vine to them who would do what Israel, and what all humanity, could never do and, in doing so, restore and save us all.

    Here is what Psalm 80 goes on to say:

    Return to us, God Almighty!

    Look down from heaven and see!

    Watch over this vine,

    the root your right hand has planted,

    the son you have raised up for yourself.

    Your vine is cut down, it is burned with fire.

    At your rebuke, your people perish.

    Let your hand rest on the man at your right hand,

    the son of man you have raised up for yourself.

    Then we will not turn away from you.

    Revive us, and we will call on your name (Psalm 80:14-18).

    The hope, says the Psalmist, rests upon the son of man – on Jesus. Once he comes, the people will be made strong and faithful, and they will be saved through him and in him. They can call upon God’s name, meaning they can live in connection with him. So, when Jesus says, “I am the true vine,” he announces to his followers and all of us that he is the one God has sent. He is the true vine the Psalm is alluding to, the one who will come to save the whole world from evil, sin, and death. The one who will bring God’s Kingdom nearby. The one who will provide us with the opportunity to live in an ongoing loving connection to him is our creator forever.

    Jesus is the one who has come to give us freedom and peace, belonging and forgiveness, and love and kindness. He is the one who has come to rescue us from exhaustion, to lift the heavy burdens laid upon our shoulders and replace them instead with easy and light responsibilities that come from being in connection with God and living within his kingdom. Are you tired of being tired? Then put your trust in the true vine, Jesus, and receive the rest he has to give you and your soul. How does that work? Jesus describes it for us in John 15.

    I am the true grapevine, and my Father is the gardener. Abide in me, and I will abide in you. A branch cannot produce fruit if it is severed from the vine, and you cannot be fruitful unless you remain in me. Yes, I am the vine; you are the branches.” Those who abide in me, and I in them, will produce much fruit. For apart from me, you can do nothing. But if you abide in me and my words abide in you, you may ask for anything you want, and it will be granted! When you produce much fruit, you are my true disciples. This brings great glory to my Father. I have loved you even as the Father has loved me. Remain in my love.” When you obey my commandments, you remain in my love, just as I obey my Father’s commandments and remain in his love. I have told you these things so that you will be filled with my joy. Yes, your joy will overflow!” (From John 15:1-11).

    Dan and I visited Napa Valley a few years ago. While there, I learned a lot about vineyards. The grapevine is actually the trunk of the vine that connects it to the ground. When the branches stay connected to the grapevine – the trunk – they produce fruit.

    Now back to the words of Jesus.

    Jesus says, “I am the vine – the trunk. You are the branches. If you stay connected to me, my life flows through you and produces fruit. If you do not stay connected to me, you wither and die and produce no fruit.”

    So how do we abide in Christ? How do we stay connected with Jesus? How do we remain in Him? 

    Check your connection.

    There is a big difference between trying to produce fruit – trying to do good – trying to follow the words of Jesus – and being connected with him. When we are connected to Him, his life flows through us, and his life in us produces fruit. Jesus calls this connection “abiding.”

    “Those who abide in me, and I in them, will produce much fruit. For apart from me, you can do nothing. But if you abide in me and my words abide in you, you may ask for anything you want, and it will be granted!” (From John 15:4-5).

    To abide is to reside, to stay and remain, which shows us that another aspect of abiding in Jesus is remaining in Jesus. This commitment to staying connected to Jesus means we trust, depend on, and never stop believing in him. To abide in Jesus is to persevere in Jesus and his teaching.

    The Shawnee campus of our church plant, Restore, is in the western portion of Shawnee, Kansas, located in the Mill Valley. Mill creek flows through this valley and eventually into the Kansas river. A mill operated for years on this creek in the days before electricity. When the water flow was high, the mill could operate. When it was low, the mill was useless. When I am abiding in Christ – getting my life through Him – constantly connected to Him – I can operate as a Christ follower and obey Jesus. But, when the connection is non-existent or sporadic, my obedience is also non-existent or sporadic.

    We must be plugged into Christ for His power to flow through us. Check your connection.

    Check your company.

    Abiding in Christ is absolutely a personal reality. Abiding in Christ is also a team sport. We must do life with other Christ followers who also abide in Christ. We must live with other Christ followers who are also connected to Jesus.

    Check out this picture of a healthy set of branches that are producing fruit. The healthiest branches grow in clusters. Unfortunately, these clusters are so dense that you cannot hack through them in the wild.

    We need other people who follow Christ, connected to Him. We are better together. Here is what Jesus says immediately following his words about abiding in Jesus Christ.

    This is my commandment: Love each other in the same way I have loved you. There is no greater love than to lay down one’s life for one’s friends” (John 15:12-13).

    You cannot “love each other” if you are a solo branch. There are no other branches to love or serve.

    Following Christ is a team sport. It is an individual choice to join and stay on the team, but it is a group effort to play the game, and it definitely takes a team effort to win the game.

    Think of the time in your life when you felt the most connected to Christ. When did you feel the closest to Him? I am confident that more than the vast majority of us, it was a time when we were part of a group of people pursuing Christ together.

    Check your connection.

    Check your company.

    Check your condition.

    It is easy to tell if you are connected to Christ. Jesus tells us how to check our level of connection.

    “Those who abide in me, and I in them, will produce much fruit … When you obey my commandments, you remain in my love, just as I obey my Father’s commandments and remain in his love. I have told you these things so that you will be filled with my joy. Yes, your joy will overflow!” John 15:5, 10-11.

    Two specific fruits result from staying connected to Jesus,

    1. Connection produces obedience.

    When we are connected to Jesus, we will obey Him. We will do what He tells us to do. Sometimes obedience is simply choosing to do the right thing, even when it is hard. But obedience shifts as we walk with Christ and stay connected to Him. Obedience moves from something we should do to something we want to do.

    2. Connection produces joy.

    When branches produce fruit, they do what God designed them to do. When we stay connected to Jesus, we do what God created us to do, which brings us joy – the joy of the spirit of Jesus within us. Joy is the result of being fully connected with Jesus and others and having a deeply rooted confidence that God is in control.

    Check your fruit.

    Check your obedience.

    Check your joy.

    Final thoughts:

    Jesus is the true vine. Life flows from our connection with Him. Life flows from being connected to others connected to Him. Life flows into the fruit of obedience and joy when we are connected to Him.

    How is your connection with Jesus?

    Photo credit: ©GettyImages/pcess609

    Mary Southerland is also the Co-founder of Girlfriends in God, a conference and devotion ministry for women. Mary’s books include, Hope in the Midst of Depression, Sandpaper People, Escaping the Stress Trap, Experiencing God’s Power in Your Ministry, 10-Day Trust Adventure, You Make Me So Angry, How to Study the Bible, Fit for Life, Joy for the Journey, and Life Is So Daily. Mary relishes her ministry as a wife, a mother to their two children, Jered and Danna, and Mimi to her six grandchildren – Jaydan, Lelia, Justus, Hudson, Mo, and Nori.

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  • What Does the Bible Say about Fake Friends?

    What Does the Bible Say about Fake Friends?

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    We all need friends since God has created us to be connected to others in caring relationships. But we also need to be careful about our friendships. The Bible warns that some people claim to be true friends but are really false friends who can do us more harm than good. What does the Bible say about fake friends? Discovering that is vital to enjoying healthy friendships.

    What Are Fake Friends/How to Identify Them

    Fake friends are people who seem at first to be friends, but then reveal that they’re too selfish and untrustworthy to be true friends. They may speak and act in caring ways at times, when doing so benefits them. However, when we ask them for something we need, we often find them running away from the friendship because they’re only concerned with their own needs. Fake friends are takers, not givers. They’re self-absorbed and lack the compassion to truly care about others. Fake friends also may deceive us intentionally in order to get something they want. They can manipulate us. They may flatter us not because they truly appreciate us, but because they want to convince us to do something for them, such as lending them money they don’t intend to pay back. They may betray us. When we tell them personal information, they may listen as if they care, then turn around and gossip about us to others because that brings them attention they crave. Finally, fake friends have a negative rather than a positive impact on our relationships with God. While true friends encourage us in our faith, fake friends are critical and discouraging. True friends lead us closer to God, while fake friends pull us farther away from God.

    What Does the Bible Say about Fake Friends?

    The Bible features many verses about fake friends, including these key verses:

    Proverbs 12:26: “The righteous choose their friends carefully, but the way of the wicked leads them astray.”

    Psalm 41:9: “Even my close friend, someone I trusted, has failed me. I even shared my bread with him.”

    Proverbs 13:20: “Walk with the wise and become wise, for a companion of fools suffers harm.”

    1 Corinthians 15:33: “Do not be misled: ‘Bad company corrupts good character.’”

    Proverbs 3:32: “For the Lord detests the perverse but takes the upright into his confidence.”

    Jeremiah 9:4: “Be on guard against your friends. Do not trust the members of your own family. Every one of them cheats. Every friend tells lies.”

    Psalm 55:12-14: “If an enemy were making fun of me, I could stand it. If he were getting ready to oppose me, I could hide. But it’s you, someone like myself. It’s my companion, my close friend.

    We used to enjoy good friendship at the house of God. We used to walk together among those who came to worship.”

    1 John 4:7-8: “Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.”

    John 13:35: “By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”

    Ecclesiastes 4:9-10: “Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up.”

    Proverbs 17:17: “A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity.”

    Romans 12:15: “Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.”

    Proverbs 27:9: “Perfume and incense bring joy to the heart, and the pleasantness of a friend springs from their heartfelt advice.”

    Proverbs 22:24-26: “Do not make friends with a hot-tempered person, do not associate with one easily angered, or you may learn their ways and get yourself ensnared.”

    Proverbs 20:19: “A gossip betrays a confidence; so avoid anyone who talks too much.”

    Proverbs 16:28: “A perverse person stirs up conflict, and a gossip separates close friends.”

    Proverbs 26:23-25: “Enemies disguise themselves with their lips, but in their hearts they harbor deceit. Though their speech is charming, do not believe them, for seven abominations fill their hearts.”

    Proverbs 19:4: “Wealth brings many friends. But even the closest friend of a poor person abandons them.”

    Proverbs 19:6-7: “Many try to win the favor of rulers. And everyone is the friend of a person who gives gifts. Poor people are avoided by their whole family. Their friends avoid them even more. The poor person runs after his friends to beg for help. But they can’t be found.”

    Psalm 38:11: “My friends and companions avoid me because of my wounds. My neighbors stay far away from me.”

    Proverbs 4:14-16: “Don’t take the path of evil people. Don’t live the way sinners do. Stay away from their path and don’t travel on it. Turn away from it and go on your way. Sinners can’t rest until they do what is evil. They can’t sleep until they make someone sin.”

    Psalm 28:3: “Do not drag me away with the wicked, with those who do evil, who speak cordially with their neighbors but harbor malice in their hearts.”

    Proverbs 27:6: “Wounds from a friend can be trusted. But an enemy kisses you many times.”

    Luke 22:47-48: “While Jesus was still speaking, a crowd came up. The man named Judas was leading them. He was one of the 12 disciples. Judas approached Jesus to kiss him. But Jesus asked him, ‘Judas, are you handing over the Son of Man with a kiss?’”

    A Christian Approach to Dealing with Fake Friends and Setting Boundaries

    Your time and energy are limited, so don’t waste any of your valuable resources on fake friendships. By letting go of relationships with fake friends, you’ll be able to build more true friendships with people who are caring and trustworthy. By building boundaries (rules for how to interact in healthy ways) into your friendships, you’ll be helping yourself and your friends enjoy the kind of relationships God wants you to have. Here’s how to deal with fake friends and set boundaries:

    If you already know for sure that someone is a fake friend, end your friendship without guilt. You don’t need to feel guilty about withdrawing from someone who is mistreating you. Remember your incredible worth as one of God’s beloved children. You deserve to be treated well – and if you’re not, you should move on to protect your well-being and live with integrity, rather than compromising for a fake friend.

    Express your feelings and needs honestly. Be open with your friends and about how you feel and what you need, in all situations. Let them know exactly what you need to feel cared for and respected in your relationships with them, and ask them to tell you what they need from you to feel the same. Talk openly about how best to set boundaries for all aspects of your friendship, including how often you communicate, what is appropriate to say to each other, what is acceptable to ask each other to do, how you should agree on decisions that affect you both, and the freedom to share different opinions and agree to disagree respectfully.

    Don’t tolerate disrespect. Whenever a friend doesn’t respect one of your boundaries, call attention to that and refuse to tolerate mistreatment. Let your friends know that you care about them, but you need them to learn to follow healthy boundaries in order for your friendships with them to continue. Affirm your commitment to do the same for them. If arguments happen when you stand up to disrespect, ask God to send you both wisdom and peace to resolve the conflict and move forward with a stronger friendship.

    Focus on friends who want to grow closer to God with you. Fake friendships pull you away from God, while true friendships move you closer to him. Choose friendships with people who want to keep growing in faith along with you, prioritizing spiritual pursuits. In my book Wake Up to Wonder, I explain research that shows how pursuing God’s wonder together with others promotes good behavior in relationships. When people encounter God’s wonder and feel awe, their brains change in ways that lead to goodness. The brain area which establishes the sense of self in the world partially shuts down, while the area that controls emotions becomes more activated and releases dopamine (a chemical that causes people to feel good). As a result, people become more aware of their connection to others and more motivated to choose goodness. People who are focused on God together are naturally able to build good friendships with each other.

    Conclusion

    Learning and applying what the Bible says about fake friends is vital to keeping your friendships healthy. God wants the best for you – in all aspects of your life, including your friendships. When you and your friends center your lives around your relationships with God, God’s love will flow between you, empowering you to enjoy good friendships together.

    Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/DMEPhotography

    Whitney Hopler is the author of the Wake Up to Wonder book and the Wake Up to Wonder blog, which help people thrive through experiencing awe. She leads the communications work at George Mason University’s Center for the Advancement of Well-Being. Whitney has served as a writer, editor, and website developer for leading media organizations, including Crosswalk.com, The Salvation Army USA’s national publications, and Dotdash.com (where she produced a popular channel on angels and miracles). She has also written the young adult novel Dream Factory. Connect with Whitney on Twitter and Facebook.

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  • Remember These 9 Things When Another Christian Disappoints You

    Remember These 9 Things When Another Christian Disappoints You

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    Maybe it’s your pastor or mentor.

    Maybe it’s someone in your Bible study.

    Maybe it’s a famous Christian in the news.

    They’ve sinned. They’ve said they believe one thing and lived like they believed something else. Their life is messier than you could have imagined, and you feel disappointed, angry, confused, disillusioned, sad . . .

    How are we supposed to feel when other Christians miss God’s mark? How can we cope with the chaos other people’s sin creates? What should we say (if anything?)

    Here are nine things to keep in mind when another Christian disappoints you.

    Erin Davis is passionate about pointing young women toward God’s Truth. She is the author of several books and a frequent speaker and blogger to women of all ages. Erin lives on a small farm in the midwest with her husband and kids. When she’s not writing, you can find her herding goats, chickens, and children.

    Image courtesy: Pexels.com

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  • Advice and Safety Tips for Online Dating: An Interview with a Christian Online Dating Expert

    Advice and Safety Tips for Online Dating: An Interview with a Christian Online Dating Expert

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    In her late 40s, Margot Starbuck found herself in unfamiliar territory: the world of dating.

    Divorced after two decades of marriage, and having allowed herself several years to heal, the author of more than 30 books decided to dip her feet into online dating. Her most recent release, The Grown Woman’s Guide to Online Dating: Lessons Learned While Swiping Right, Taking Selfies and Analyzing Emojis, came out of her personal experience and in-depth research.

    Today, she shares pertinent information with women of all ages who find themselves in the unknown world of online dating, including how to get started, how to be authentic, and how to stay safe online.

    Can you start by telling the readers who are new to this how to get started? 

    First, you need to choose the site or sites you will use. There are free sites, sites that are free for an introductory period, sites where you pay from the start, and sites where you can pay for extra perks.

    The easiest rule of thumb when considering what site or sites to use is “you get what you pay for.” On the entirely free sites, you will run into many characters who may not share your values. There will be good eggs, but they may be few and far between. In my experience, people who use paid sites are more serious about finding a match because they are more invested.  

    Once you know whether you want to use a paid or free site, one of the best ways to narrow it down to one or two is to get input from someone in your geographical area who is similar in age, gender, and faith preferences. The best site for me in urban North Carolina may or may not be the best for someone in a rural area.

    What sites have been best for you and why?

    Match and Bumble have worked best for me. I really like the search features on Match. You can search by things like geography, age, and faith preferences. And when you use the desktop version, you can also search by specific keywords, like “artist,” “drummer,” or “Jesus.”

    Bumble was created by a woman. On it, you either swipe right if you like someone or left if you don’t. If you both swipe right, it is the woman’s responsibility to initiate a conversation. Because of this, I believe there are likely more secure men on Bumble. 

    Eharmony has a good reputation, but it’s also pricey. And ChristianMingle is comforting because the word Christian is in the name, but I have not found great matches there.

    Tell us the three most important things to consider when building a profile.

    1. Include what makes you uniquely you. Imagine how many women write “I love the beach. I love coffee. And I love my family.” Those things may be true, but you waste precious real estate by including them because they are not unique to you. So instead, I might say, “On Saturday mornings, I listen to Earth, Wind and Fire while roller-skating on a local trail.” 

    If you have trouble identifying things that are unique to you, ask your friends for help because your friends know what is special about you.

    2. Choose photos well. Include both headshots and full body. We can be tempted to only show headshots or post that picture from six years and 30 pounds ago, but we don’t do ourselves any favors by not having a current photo. And use a variety of photos. Post a picture of you playing baseball with your favorite nephew or one of yourself at painting class or holding your favorite book. When you get more specific, you give men something to take an interest in and respond to.

    3. Don’t be negative, and don’t overshare. It’s easy to complain—about dating apps, about men, about meeting men on dating apps—but you have so little real estate to make a good impression that negativity is a waste of space. Avoiding oversharing is also important. Your former depression or addiction may be a part of who you are, but your profile is not a place to share it. You don’t have to be deceptive, but definitely be selective.

    What are some red flags to be aware of when you are looking to make a connection?

    Some are really obvious. If he announces his favorite sexual position, you know to steer clear. But some things are less obvious. If a guy is overly eager to meet quickly or, on the flip side, is overly reluctant to meet in person, those can both be red flags. (My girlfriend, Char, insists that the man who stood me up for a date was likely in prison.)

    Another thing to pay attention to is whether the guy’s profile is overly disparaging of former partners or, conversely, if it’s too idealistic. If he says something like, “I’m a workaholic now, but once I meet you, I’ll be different,” or “I want someone who completes me,” he may have an unrealistic view of relationships.

    Pay attention and notice what your gut is telling you. 

    As a Christian woman on a dating site, how do you approach the topic of sex?

    We know in our culture that checking the Christian box doesn’t mean you share the same values when it comes to sex. Literally, anyone can check that box, and it may just mean, “My grandparents had me baptized as a baby.”

    If you are saving sex for marriage, make that plain. You can even drop a hint in your profile by saying something like, “I’m not here for a hook-up” or “I’m looking to build a friendship.”

    Here are some code words and phrases to notice when looking at men’s profiles: “open-minded,” “romantic,” “down for Netflix & chill,” and “I expect my partner to be passionate.” Those all can be code for “I want to sleep with you as soon as possible.”

    I have a friend in her 30s who is very up-front about her commitment to save sex for marriage, and she always brings it up within the first couple dates. Because sex and dating is often assumed in our culture (even among those who check the Christian box), I think this is so smart. It takes courage, but it’s so important.

    You mentioned trusting your gut earlier. Can you elaborate on that? Do you have an example of when this worked for you?

    Yes, I have been catfished—when someone is not who they say they are. He said he was a man of faith, but he used overly religious jargon that didn’t sound genuine. He said he was from Norway but living in Atlanta. I don’t really know what a Norwegian accent sounds like, but his voice just didn’t sound right to me. And I didn’t get the sense that he had any friends or community of support. I mentioned it to a friend who did some research. She found that though he claimed to be an architectural professional, he didn’t have a profile on LinkedIn. (That’s not a complete deal-breaker, but most professionals are on LinkedIn.) But he also only had three Facebook friends, and my friend was like, “Margot, he’s not real.” So I ended that one.

    Let’s talk specifically about safety. What are practical things women can do as they invest in the online dating world?

    For an overall posture of safety, you should be suspicious. I know that sounds awful, but don’t assume someone is who they say they are until you’ve seen evidence.

    Be smart and do your research. It’s really easy with Google and social media, and it may save you time and heartache. One guy I connected with said he thought it was stupid for people to Google their matches. So I googled him and found a kind of paparazzi shot of him walking out of a courthouse in a high-profile criminal trial.

    Also, don’t share your personal information, your address, or any photos that you don’t want shared with others. If you want to be particularly careful, get a Google phone number, so your match doesn’t see your real number until you are ready to share it. 

    Also, involve your girlfriends. If something doesn’t feel right, run it past them. Have them help you browse profiles, and when you are ready to meet a match in person, let a friend know where you will be, meet in a very public place and take your own transportation. If you do those three things, it can really protect you.

    Before I let you go, what is your advice for getting out of a relationship or even just out of a connection after meeting in person once or twice?

    My neighbor friend in her 30s has a wonderful template for this. Simply tell them, “I’ve enjoyed meeting you. I don’t think we’re a match, and I wish you well.” I think that language of “we’re not a match” is really helpful in saying goodbye.

    Does the thought of joining a dating site invoke feelings of fear and anxiety—or, worse, insecurity or unworthiness? If so, then The Grown Woman’s Guide to Online Dating is the book for you. With practical advice about how these sites work, what to expect, and when to join and quit, along with proven tips for making the most of them, The Grown Woman’s Guide equips readers with all they need to take the plunge.

    Photo Credit: ©iStock/Getty Images Plus/Tonktiti

    Kim Harms HeadshotKim Harms is an author, speaker, and part-time librarian with two decades of freelance writing experience. She has a degree in English from Iowa State University. She is married to an adventure-lover, and together they have three super-awesome sons, but only the youngest still lives at home. Her book, Life Reconstructed: Navigating the World of Mastectomies and Breast Reconstruction, is a guide for women walking the breast cancer road. She also offers breast cancer resources at her website, kimharms.net. She can be found on Instagram @kimharmslifereconstructed where it turns out that her dog is way more popular than she is, raking in the views when he is the star of her reels.

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  • 3 Blessings of Having a Sister

    3 Blessings of Having a Sister

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    Many of us are blessed to have a sister or sisters in our lives. God blessed me with a sister who has been with me through every dark time of our lives. Maybe you have a sister you’re really close to or a sister who has stood by your side even when it’s hard. While some sibling relationships can be extremely difficult, which I know all too well, other sibling relationships are beautiful blessings.

    I’m the youngest of three girls, yet my middle sister and myself were always closest to one another. If you have a sibling, maybe you know how close a bond can grow over the years.

    My sister and I have gone through many difficult times, and we are presently going through an ongoing problem that hasn’t been resolved in nearly two decades. During these times, I am especially grateful for my sister.

    Through the tough times of being bullied in public school to the death of our beloved dog and the death of our mother, my sister and I have always been close.

    Similar to many siblings, we have been through a lot together. My sister and I are Irish twins because we were born 10 months apart. The closeness in our age may have also contributed to how we became not only sisters but also best friends.

    Together my sister and I had to go through the pain of medical diagnoses of family members as well as seeing the deteriorating health of our mother. All of these things can weigh heavy on anyone’s heart and mind.

    It is not surprising for any of these things to cause us to collapse under the pressure of it all. I know, personally, I was only able to go through these hard times with the help of God and my sister. Without the support of God and my sister, the feelings of being overwhelmed, fear, and depression would have become too much.

    No matter what we have gone through, my sister has always remained by my side. God blessed me greatly when he gave me a sister as great as mine. After the death of our family dog in early 2016, my sister became severely depressed.

    Our family dog was her best friend, and our dog was there for my sister through everything. I knew how much my sister loved our family dog, but I never knew how much our lives would change without our sweet little dog.

    The death of our dog was only the beginning of tragedy after tragedy. After our dog passed away, my sister became more reserved and didn’t have the same free spirit she had before. Depression had crept into her heart, and it was something I couldn’t heal for her.

    Seeing my sister in this way broke my heart. While my sister has been working on healing, the absence of our furry little dog still creeps into all of our hearts and minds, and we all miss her dearly.

    What we didn’t know was that our dog’s death was the beginning of one of the most difficult and tragic years. In the spring of 2016, our oldest sister went through many mental health difficulties and has never fully recovered, even six years later.

    My Irish twin sister and I started to learn many things that we never wanted to know and went to floors of the hospital we never wanted to travel to. This traumatic event still stays with us, and we are often reminded of the difficulties of taking care of someone who has pronounced mental health illnesses.

    2. Leaning on Them During Difficult Times

    I started college in late August of 2016, while my sister had already completed a few semesters before me. Within the first semester of college, our mother was deathly sick in the hospital due to congestive heart failure. She was in the hospital for 10 days in the ICU before she passed away.

    My family and I visited mom multiple times each day in the ICU. In 2016, only two family members were allowed at a time to visit the patient, so naturally, my sister and I went back before my dad, and oldest sister saw our mom.

    If you have been in the ICU, you know how emotional it can be. At only 18 years old, it was traumatizing to see my mother in such a deathly state. She was hooked up to a machine to keep her heart beating, she was on oxygen, and she had a tube feed.

    My mother woke up while my sister and I were in the room, and it gave me deep sorrow to see the fear in my mother’s eyes. She gripped my hand, and she was so strong. All I wanted to do was to save her somehow — to make all the problems go away, but I couldn’t.

    My family and I continued to visit mom every day, multiple times a day in the hospital, and it was always my Irish twin sister and me who were together during these difficult times. Despite the efforts of the hospital, my mother passed exactly 10 days after being admitted.

    My mom was young — she was only 45 years old when she passed away. It pains me to think of all that she will never experience on this earth and all of the memories that I will never make with her now.

    Maybe you have been through something similar, and you had someone to lean on. For me, these individuals were God and my sister. 

    Life has never been the same since 2016, but I feel my sister, and I have grown closer through these difficult seasons of life. It would be erroneous to say that time has completely healed the pain since 2016 because it hasn’t.

    However, knowing my sister has been with me through it all has helped me not feel so alone. There is something comforting to know that you are not as alone as you once thought.

    Whenever we become crestfallen or upset over a memory or a thought, we can both understand each other better because we were there with each other during these tragedies.

    3. Always Supportive

    Through college, my sister and I remained close, and we are still close right up to this present day. I had to go through an anorexia recovery from 2020 up until the present year, and my sister has been by my side through every step of the journey.

    It has been extremely hard and filled with ups and downs, but my sister has always extended love to me even when I didn’t deserve it. In this way, my sister was showing me the love of Christ in her actions.

    If you’re knowledgeable about eating disorders, you know how difficult they can be and how much the person who is struggling with the eating disorder can push others away. Despite pushing others away, my sister still encouraged me and stuck by my side.

    For this, I am eternally grateful because everyone else left my side. It is through the hard times and the struggles that those who truly love us shine. My sister has been a true blessing in my life, and I couldn’t imagine not having her in my life.

    Today, make sure to help your sibling or siblings know how much you appreciate them. Even though some siblings may be difficult to be around, there is normally a sibling who is not only your sibling but also your best friend.

    For further reading:

    What Does it Mean to Be in the Family of God?

    What Is the Importance of Having a Spiritual Family?

    What Is the Significance of Siblings in the Bible?

    Photo Credit: ©iStock/Getty Images Plus/DGLimages

    Vivian Bricker loves Jesus, studying the Word of God, and helping others in their walk with Christ. She has earned a Bachelor of Arts and Master’s degree in Christian Ministry with a deep academic emphasis in theology. Her favorite things to do are spending time with her family and friends, reading, and spending time outside. When she is not writing, she is embarking on other adventures.

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  • Will I Recognize My Spouse in Heaven?

    Will I Recognize My Spouse in Heaven?

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    The Bible only tells us so much about Heaven. It’s a mystery that has yet to be revealed. And while so much about Heaven is left up to the imagination, I’m confident that even the most imaginative minds can’t touch the splendor that awaits us. We wonder about everything from how old we’ll appear to be to what language we’ll speak. Will the streets really be paved with gold? Can we really be rejoicing for eternity when people we love aren’t there? The questions and wonders about Heaven are endless.

    As we address the question, “Will I recognize my spouse in Heaven?” we need to remember that, while the Bible may give hints on this topic, Scripture does not provide an explicit answer. While it’s natural to have a fear or unsettledness about the unknown, we need to trust God with the details of eternity, just as we need to trust him with the details of our lives here on earth.

    Below are some popular accounts found in God’s Word that seem to support the notion that we will, indeed, know one another in Heaven. But because we are limited in our knowledge and understanding, you may find that some of these accounts create even more questions about Heaven. This is why we must hold loosely to our opinions and trust that whatever Heaven holds, we will be overcome with His goodness and be fully satisfied in Him.

    Let’s start with what we know to be true:

    God Is Relational

    Something we see throughout the entirety of the Bible is that God is relational. We see this as early as the book of Genesis when God established His kingdom on earth in the Garden of Eden. He didn’t just have a relationship with Adam and Eve; He allowed them to have a deep, intimate, meaningful relationship with each other. Genesis 2:25 tells us they were “naked and unashamed.”

    This gives us a glimpse into what Heaven will be like. We will once again be unencumbered by sin and able to have the purest of relationships with one another. We will have complete intimacy with nothing to hide. In other words, just as we are not meant to live in solitude on earth, we will not spend eternity in solitude.

    In 1 Corinthians 12:13, Paul reminds us that in this life, our knowledge is limited, but those limitations will be removed in the next life. This suggests we will have relationships with one another that are deeper and more meaningful than we can even imagine, in part because our lives will no longer be hindered by sin and because our collective focus will be on Christ.

    But the question still remains, will we recognize each other?

    Marriage and Heaven

    Photo credit: ©Pexels/Leah Kelley

    We know from Scripture that in Heaven, we will not be married or given in marriage (Matt 22:30). This refers to the concept of marriage we’re familiar with in this life. The exciting truth that awaits us in Heaven is that we, the church, are the bride of Christ (Ephesians 5:22-33).

    As the bride of Christ, we, along with those we love, will turn our collective focus on Him. We will see Him in all his splendor and glory, and we will be completely satisfied. Whether happily married or not, your eternal existence as the bride of Christ will be the richest and most satisfying relationship imaginable.

    The problem is we have no reference as to what it means to be fully satisfied. Even in our most joyful moments here on earth, we are still tainted by the effects of sin. For those who have had happy, healthy marriages, it’s difficult to imagine being fully satisfied by Christ without our spouse by our side.

    While I am fully convinced we will be fully satisfied by Christ regardless of who is or isn’t with us in Heaven, I believe we can reason from Scripture that we will indeed know one another.

    You Will Be You in Heaven

    There’s no reason to believe we will suddenly be someone else in Heaven or that we will lose our earthly memories, causing us to forget or not recognize one another. For one thing, we’re told we will give an account of our lives on earth (Rom 14:12). How can we give an account of how we lived our lives if we can’t remember how we lived or who we lived with?

    Again, this begs other questions. Will we all be the same age in Heaven? How will a baby lost in infancy look compared to someone who died in their 90s? We simply don’t have answers to these questions, but we know our bodies will be perfected and made new.

    1 Corinthians 15:52 tells us that “the dead will be raised incorruptible” and that those who are alive at the time of Christ’s return for His saints “shall be changed.” What exactly does this look like? The Bible doesn’t get more specific, but it’s still a glorious promise!

    Now let’s look at some popular references that seem to support the idea that we will recognize one another in Heaven.

    The Resurrection

    Our best example of knowing one another in Heaven is found in Jesus, who was recognized countless times by his disciples after his resurrection. They recognized him on the shore as he cooked for them in John 21:1-14. They recognized him when he appeared to Thomas in John 20:24-29. And in 1 Corinthians 15:6, the disciples recognize Jesus when he appears to five hundred people at once.

    Consider John 20:15-16 when Jesus approached Mary at the tomb. She likely did not immediately recognize Jesus because she was weeping and in distress. But once Jesus said her name, she knew exactly who was talking to her.

    The Transfiguration:

    Consider the transfiguration in Matthew 17. Jesus took Peter, James, and John up high on a mountain. Jesus was transfigured before them and shone like the sun; his clothes became white as light. Two men appeared and were talking with Jesus. These men were Moses and Elijah.

    Peter said to Jesus, “Lord, it is good that we are here. If you wish, I will make three tents here, one for you and one for Moses and one for Elijah.” If you’ll notice, Peter, James, and John were not only able to recognize Jesus in his glorified body, but they also knew the identity of Moses and Elijah.

    Did Jesus introduce Moses and Elijah? Did Jesus allow Peter, James, and John to supernaturally know who they were seeing? Again, while the Bible doesn’t give us those details, many use this account to support the idea that we will recognize one another in Heaven.

    Paul’s Anticipation of Heaven

    Stairway to Heaven

    Photo credit: ©Getty Images/Romonolo Tavani

    Consider 2 Corinthians 1:14 and 1 Thessalonians 2:19. In both of these verses, Paul anticipates the joy of Heaven being increased by the presence of those whom he had the great privilege of winning to Christ. These verses speak of mutual recognition. Paul will recognize and boast in Christ on behalf of those he won to faith, and they will recognize and boast in Christ on behalf of Paul.

    Another way that Paul speaks to this issue is in 1 Thessalonians 4:15-18. Paul addressed the Thessalonian Christians concerning their loved ones who had died. He comforted them with these words, “the dead in Christ will rise first. After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them…and so we will be with the Lord forever…Therefore encourage each other with these words.”

    The argument here is that there could be no encouragement in the promise of being caught up together with those who have gone before if we won’t know and recognize them.

    King David

    Another popular argument for us recognizing one another in Heaven is in the account of King David and the death of his son found in 2 Samuel 12:15-23. King David spent seven days fasting and weeping over his son, who was sick. On the seventh day, his child died.

    After being informed that his son had died, David washed, anointed himself, changed his clothes, and went into the house of the Lord and worshiped. Later, as David ate, one of his servants asked him why he wept and fasted while his son was still alive, but now that the child was dead, he arose and was eating.

    David responded to his servant by saying, “While the child was still alive, I fasted and wept, for I said, ‘Who knows whether the Lord will be gracious to me, that the child may live?’ But now he is dead. Why should I fast? Can I bring him back again? I shall go to him, but he will not return to me.”

    This account often comforts parents who have lost infants or children because David is convinced he will see his child again. This account also shows David’s confidence that he will recognize his son when he sees him again.

    For many, these and other accounts in the Bible bring comfort and give hope that we will recognize our spouses in Heaven. Yet recognizing our spouses in Heaven shouldn’t be our ultimate comfort or hope.

    Remember Where Your True Comfort and Hopes Lie

    In our flesh, our focus is usually on ourselves, on our own desires, comforts, and fears. It’s not surprising, then, that we look forward to Heaven because we want to see loved ones who have gone before us. Or that we look to eternity with uncertainty because of our lack of understanding and fear of the unknown.

    Before we try to settle discussions of whether or not our spouse will know us in Heaven, we should settle on what we already know to be true: We know that Jesus has prepared a place for us (John 14:2-3), we know we can trust him in all things (Psalm 33:4 ) and we know that he is working for our good (Rom 8:28). With this in mind, we need to take all things that we hold dear on earth (in this case, our spouse) and be able to say, “I will be fully satisfied in Christ even if my spouse doesn’t know me in Heaven.”

    My personal conviction is that we will, indeed, know one another in a deeper, more intimate way than we do now. But I am also convicted that our focus will not be on one another. Our focus will be on Christ, and our joy will be made complete in Him.

    Related Articles:

    Will I Still Be Married to My Spouse in Heaven?

    Will We Know Each Other in Heaven?

    5 Ways to See Your Marriage through the Lens of Heaven

    Photo credit: ©Getty Images/Jonh Orton Design

    Beth Ann Baus is a wife and mother of two adult sons. She is a freelance writer and author of Sister Sunday, My So Much More, and His Power, Our Weakness: Encouragement for the Biblical Counselor. In her writing, Beth often pulls from her own experiences of abuse, anxiety, depression and OCD. Beth has a heart for homeschooling, women’s ministry, and is an ACBC-certified Biblical Counselor. She loves serving alongside her husband and pointing couples to the Word for strengthening their marriages and home life. You can find more from her at www.bethannbaus.com.

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  • 5 Christlike Ways to Handle Disagreements Part 2

    5 Christlike Ways to Handle Disagreements Part 2

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    My goal wasn’t to get into an argument with my family member. Far from it. But when the conversation turned to religion and the salvation of his Hindu family members, I couldn’t stay silent. My desire for him to know the truth led my words at first, but the conversation went from kind and receptive to biting and sour. I wasn’t sure how to get it back on track, so I went outside to get some air.

    Is it possible to have Christlike disagreements and not let our feelings lead us down a path of destruction? As humans, our emotions stay with us wherever we go. We can’t separate ourselves from them, but we can give ourselves a moment to process them and ask ourselves, “Is this really true?” and “Am I being led by unresolved hurt or by love?” When we do this, our disagreements are less fueled by anger and resentment and led more by a genuine love for others.

    Disagreements are not unbiblical. We see Jesus disagreeing with people in scripture quite often. The problem comes when we are guided by our opinions rather than the Holy Spirit.

    Here are five Christlike ways to handle disagreements:

    1. Ask God to Direct the Conversation

    Even when I’m not in the middle of a disagreement, I often do this. If someone asks me a tough question related to the Bible or about God, I always want the Spirit and sound biblical truth to lead. It is amazing what a short prayer saying, “God, help me,” or “God, guide my words,” can do. By doing so, we acknowledge that our flesh is weak, but our spirit is willing. (Matthew 26:41)

    While we may not have the right words to say in the middle of a disagreement, God does. And when his Spirit directs the conversation, we can be sure we are putting the best version of ourselves out there for others to see.

    2. Ask Yourself, “Do I Love This Person?”

    My pastor once told a story about an administrative assistant he did not get along with. He was very young then, and they had butted heads on some issues. He found a specific verse he was going to use to put her argument to rest once and for all. But on his way to the woman’s office, the Spirit stopped him and asked, “Do you love her?” He knew if he was completely honest, the answer was no. The simple question and redirect made him realize his correction had no basis if it was not rooted in love.

    Many of us are familiar with the following verse in Ephesians, but we forget the love part:

    “Instead, we will speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ, who is the head of his body, the church.” Ephesians 4:15 NLT

    When we let our love for Christ and his church lead us instead of our own selfish pride, something beautiful happens. If we read the following verses, we see God’s desire for each of us:

    “He makes the whole body fit together perfectly. As each part does its own special work, it helps the other parts grow, so that the whole body is healthy and growing and full of love.” Ephesians 4:16 NLT

    3. Be Led By a Desire for Understanding

    Have you ever been around someone who just wanted to hear herself talk? Goodness knows I have, and I know I’ve been guilty of acting this way myself. But if our only concern is having the loudest voice in the room, we’ll probably miss opportunities to see and understand God’s people. We’re going to overlook others who genuinely want to be heard and cared for because we’re more concerned with them knowing our opinion.

    When we’re tempted to let our opinions lead us rather than love and care for the other person, let’s take a pause. The Holy Spirit is always willing to help us in our time of need and will give us the patience and understanding we lack.

    James talks about the fact that none of us have wisdom and understanding apart from the Lord and points us toward humble acts done with hearts turned toward God rather than our own selfish motives:

    “Who is wise and understanding among you? Let them show it by their good life, by deeds done in the humility that comes from wisdom. But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth.” James 3:13-14 NIV

    4. Remember, It Is Not Our Job to “Fix” Other People

    Often, we are misled by the notion that we can argue people into following God. We think if we drill our points into their heads with enough sound reasoning and determination, they will change their ways. But we do not see this happening in the Gospels. In every instance where lives are changed, it is a miracle where someone experiences Jesus’ utterly unreasonable grace and mercy.

    The Holy Spirit is in the business of convicting hearts and bringing prodigals to repentance. When we try be the Holy Spirit instead of simply letting him lead us with complete submission, we fall short. More often than not, we let our flesh and our pride take over, and the person we’re trying to convince is more repulsed than drawn to the throne of grace.

    Paul reminds us of what draws others toward God in Romans 2, and contrary to what we sometimes think, it isn’t arguing:

    “Or do you show contempt for the riches of his kindness, forbearance and patience, not realizing that God’s kindness is intended to lead you to repentance?” Romans 2:4 NIV

    5. Remember, the Other Person Was Created in the Image of God

    It’s difficult to speak harshly to someone when we see God’s stamp on him or her. And regardless of whether or not the person is a believer, she was created in God’s image. The person we’re disagreeing with is loved by God and sought after. Every interaction we have needs to be led by this knowledge.

    I once heard someone say that when Jesus led his earthly ministry, he didn’t convince others to leave their former life by pointing and saying, “You’re wrong, you’re wrong, and you’re wrong. Now, follow me.” But when we remind people that they bear the image of the Creator, something inside of them comes alive. They’re transformed because the Spirit awakens them to the fact that they are sons and daughters, and the desire for their old way of life fades.

    Not every disagreement we have with others will be about God or the Bible, but these disagreements seem to stir our emotions the most. This is because we care deeply about our faith and our beliefs, and our lives are transformed because of them. But when we disagree, let’s remember to let God lead the conversation. Disagreements in themselves are not sinful, but hate for our brother and sister does not have a place at God’s table. Let’s remember the price he paid for each and every one of us, and remember that even in his darkest hour of betrayal, he cried out, “Father, forgive them.” (Luke 23:34) 

    Click here to check out Part 1.

    Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/fizkes

    Abby McDonald is a writing coach and the author of Shift: Changing Our Focus to See the Presence of God. Her mission is to empower women to seek God in the middle of life’s messes and to share their faith with courage. Abby writes regularly for Proverb 31 Ministries’ daily devotions team, and her work has been featured in numerous publications. You can connect with Abby on her website where you can grab a free worship playlist to help you shift your focus toward God. You can also connect with Abby on Instagram.

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  • Hilary Swank Reveals Why She Waited To Become A Mom At 48

    Hilary Swank Reveals Why She Waited To Become A Mom At 48

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    Hilary Swank is ready to be a mom.

    The two-time Oscar winner recently revealed that she and husband Philip Schneider are expecting twins. Swank, 48, spoke to “Extra!” last week about why now is the right time for her to become a parent.

    The “Boys Don’t Cry” star said it all boiled down to “having a career and not having the right relationship.”

    “You know, all the elements need to come together and be right,” she said, adding that motherhood is something she’s thought about since she was young.

    “It’s just nice to be here and just be pregnant,” the actor added.

    Swank attends the Leopard Club Award Conversation during the 72nd Locarno Film Festival on Aug. 10, 2019 in Locarno, Switzerland.

    Pier Marco Tacca via Getty Images

    Swank tied the knot with Schneider in 2018, two years after they met. She was married to actor Chad Lowe from 1997 to 2007, and was briefly engaged to former tennis pro Ruben Torres in 2016.

    She announced her pregnancy earlier in October while appearing on “Good Morning America” to promote her new show “Alaska Daily.”

    “I’m so happy to share it with you and with America right now, this is something that I’ve been wanting for a long time, and my next thing is I’m gonna be a mom,” the actor said. “I’m going to be a mom. And not just of one, but of two. I can’t believe it.”

    Swank said during an appearance on “Live with Kelly and Ryan” that twins run in her family and Schneider’s.

    The twins also may share a sentimental connection to Swank’s side of the family, as the actor said her due date is her late father’s birthday.

    “It’s so beautiful,” Swank told “Extra!” “My dad, he was really one of my most favorite people in the world, so it is kind of just this tribute of life with them being born on this birthday.”

    The “Million Dollar Baby” actor took three years off from acting to care for her father, retired Air Force Chief Master Sgt. Stephen Michael Swank, who died in October 2021.

    “I had a rather unique relationship with him, as I was his sole caretaker after a lung transplant seven years ago,” Swank said in a poignant Instagram post announcing her father’s death.

    “I grew incredibly close to him during this time, deepening our relationship and savoring every moment we had together,” she continued. “He will always remain one of my most favorite persons and not a day goes by that I don’t miss him.”

    Swank and her dad — retired Air Force Chief Master Sgt. Stephen Michael Swank — arrive at the screening of "What They Had" on Oct. 9, 2018.
    Swank and her dad — retired Air Force Chief Master Sgt. Stephen Michael Swank — arrive at the screening of “What They Had” on Oct. 9, 2018.

    Gregg DeGuire via Getty Images

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  • Be an Agent of Change

    Be an Agent of Change

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    I remember the day I got saved like no other. My dad and I used to stay up late playing video games, and on one beautiful summer night, the trajectory of my life would forever be changed. At 2:30 am, I was given an option between life and death.

    I wasn’t threatened to make a choice.

    I wasn’t forced to believe what Mom and Dad believed.

    I wasn’t even given the “you’re going to hell” speech.

    Nevertheless, something within my heart drew me to Jesus.

    It was not just a choice. It was my choice.

    It was not just a decision. It was my decision.

    It was not their pressed acceptance. It was my acceptance.

    A Choice

    Today, I think many good and well-intentional Christians want to save others, but they are going about it the wrong way.

    When I was in high school, for instance, I not so fondly recall reading Jonathan Edward’s pivotal sermon, “Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God.” 

    In a secular high school English class, you can imagine the horror and disdain I felt reading this as a student. All the people in my class who didn’t know God, who didn’t understand Christianity or religion, who didn’t have a view, now had the view that the God I loved and served was merely dangling them over a pit of hell. The text made it seem this was a pit of hell He would gladly drop them over the second they made a mistake. 

    What a sad view of such a loving and powerful God.

    Who God Is

    While God is a God to be feared, respected, and honored, and hell is a very real place, scaring people into salvation is not what Christ intended for us. And it certainly is not what He called us as His disciples to do.

    Yes, the gospel message requires an acknowledgment of our sins. It requires us to humble ourselves before God and realize that we all fall short of the glory of His splendor. It requires us to see that He is God and we are not. Yes, the gospel message requires us to realize that atonement was needed for our sins. That because we sinned and fell in the Garden of Eden, we were the ones who deserved condemnation and hell.

    But the gospel message also requires us to realize that because of Jesus, we can be saved. We can confess that Jesus Christ is the Lord of our lives, ask for forgiveness of our sins, and live the way He intended for us to live. We can become Gospel-Message Bearers just as He was the Light of the World.

    A Ministry of Love

    Jesus ministered to others using parables. He often taught harsh truths to the Pharisees and Sadducees (who needed harsh words to break free of their obsession with religion). But His main method of conversion was love.

    Jesus made it clear that God came to save everyone. 

    “This is good and pleases God our Savior, who wants everyone to be saved and to understand the truth” (1 Timothy 2:3-4, NLT).

    “And this is the will of God, that I should not lose even one of all those he has given me, but that I should raise them up at the last day” (John 6:39, NLT).

    Jesus made it clear that all needed to repent from sin and accept Jesus Christ as the Lord of their life:

    “For everyone has sinned; we all fall short of God’s glorious standard” (Romans 3:23, NLT).

    “If you openly declare that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved” (Romans 10:9, NLT).

    How to Treat Others

    But when Jesus met the woman at the well who’d had five husbands, He didn’t start with, “you’re going to hell.” He started with, “I know everything about you, but I’m here to offer you a way of life that will never run dry” (John 4).

    When God called Noah, and he ran away, God sent protection and love in the form of conviction (Genesis 5:29).

    When Jesus felt the tears of a prostitute flow over His feet, He didn’t tell her to get out; He let her touch Him. He let her get close, and her life was changed (Luke 7:36-50).

    As a born-again Christian, I will not minimize the seriousness of sin, salvation, heaven, or hell. All are real, and all have consequences or outcomes. But when it comes to sharing the Gospel, might I plead with you this:

    The student in my class who came from a divorced family needs to know that Jesus sees her and loves her before she’s told she’s going to Hell without Him.

    The student in my class who was the child of two people addicted to drugs needs to know that Jesus came to offer her a better way of life and love before she’s told to just go to church and figure it out.

    The student in my class who is stuck in a generational wave of mental health disorders needs to hear that God is with them in health and poverty before they’re given a blanket statement to just pray or read their Bible more.

    The student in my class who feels like religion and God are being forced down their throat needs to know and experience the love, care, and true gospel message of Christ through you before you expect them to become a follower of Christ.

    Our world needs more living out and less suppression. It needs Christians willing to live and breathe like Jesus so that others may experience Him and be saved.

    “Instead, you must worship Christ as Lord of your life. And if someone asks about your hope as a believer, always be ready to explain it. 16 But do this in a gentle and respectful way.[c] Keep your conscience clear. Then if people speak against you, they will be ashamed when they see what a good life you live because you belong to Christ” (1 Peter 3:15-16, NLT).

    Be an Effective Agent of Change

    The most effective agents of change for Christ are not those scaring people into salvation. And despite the popularity of “hell walks” at churches during Halloween, I do not believe fear has a place in the love and salvation Christ offers the sinner.

    The most effective agents of change for Christ are those who build a trusting relationship with the sinner.

    These change agents invest in those relationships by living as Christ intended them to and then present the gospel message—not to scare them but to show them a reality. Not to force them but to offer them a choice. 

    This is a choice that will change their entire life for eternity to come.

    Jesus was a friend of sinners, and so should we be. 

    Agape, Amber 

    Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/monkeybusinessimages

    Amber Ginter is a young adult writer that currently works as an English teacher in Chillicothe, Ohio, and has a passionate desire to impact the world for Jesus through her love for writing, aesthetics, health/fitness, and ministry. Amber seeks to proclaim her love for Christ and the Gospel through her writing, aesthetic worship arts, and volunteer roles. She is enrolled in the YWW Author Conservatory to become a full-time author and is a featured writer for Crosswalk, ibelieve, Salem Web Network, The Rebelution, Daughter of Delight, Kallos, Anchored Passion, No Small Life, and Darling Magazine. In the past, she’s also contributed to Called Christian Writers, Southern Ohio Today News, Ohio Christian University, and The Circleville Herald. Visit her website at amberginter.com.

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  • What Your Grieving Friend Wishes You Knew This Holiday Season

    What Your Grieving Friend Wishes You Knew This Holiday Season

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    If I were honest, I have been mentally (and emotionally) preparing for this season for quite some time. It not only encompasses two of my (and my mom’s) favorite holidays, but it is wrapped in birthdays and anniversaries, so a lot is going on! But this year is different. It’s now become something to survive, rather than special days to celebrate.

    Needless to say, preparations have already been made. The takeout order for our Thanksgiving meal is set, and I dare not set foot in her favorite craft store. I’ve also made a point to cozy up with her blue blanket and a cup of cocoa as I’ve ugly cried to sappy Christmas movies on a few occasions.

    It’s been a little over six months since I held my six-year-old’s hand and watched my mom’s casket be lowered into the ground. Since that day, grief has taken on many shapes and sizes. I am beginning to realize that grief isn’t linear but comes and goes in waves, having a rhythm all its own. There are painful reminders of my mom’s absence everywhere. I can’t manage to find peace and joy in this season no matter how hard I try, and social settings are not only awkward but, in some cases, completely isolating.

    I have discovered months after losing my precious momma that grief changes you. It’s the unexpected journey nobody wants to take, so it’s often chartered alone. However, I could really use a trusted friend right about now. Unfortunately, many of them have gone silent. Maybe they don’t know what to say or feel it’s not worth mentioning since it’s been six months. Grief can be hard to navigate with friends; I understand that.

    But, if you have a friend enduring a deep loss and grieving this holiday season, I encourage you to reach out because the silence is deafening. If you are unsure how to do that, here are a few things your grieving friend probably wishes you knew and gentle ways in which you can comfort them this holiday season.

    Just Say (or Do) Something…But Be Sincere

    The amount of support our family received the weeks after my mother passed was heartwarming. It truly was, and I am forever grateful to those that provided meals, cards, flowers, and help with childcare. But then, as if out of nowhere, it stopped. Completely.

    Perhaps one of the hardest parts of this grief journey has been the avoidance and awkward silence. It’s as if my mother’s death instantly became the elephant in the room. Nobody knew what to say, so they didn’t say anything at all, or they didn’t acknowledge my loss in any way making small talk, leading us both in search of the nearest exit. Then there were responses that left me speechless, such as, “I’ve been meaning to send you a card or connect with you, but completely spaced or forgot.”

    I get that life is busy. I’m a mom. It’s a busy season, and this time of year adds a whole new layer of stress. However, silence, feeling forgotten, and insincere comments can be hurtful. So, here are some words (and actions) that may provide comfort for your friend:

    -Hand them the card, then apologize for your forgetfulness.

    -Take them a coffee and ask if you can pray for them.

    -Call, text, or send an encouraging Bible verse.

    -Offer a healing and heartfelt hug.

    -Simple statements of “I’m sorry” and “I’m here to listen” go a long way.

    Be Patient with Them

    It may be discouraging when you have reached out and tried to be a good friend, only to find they haven’t responded at all. Be patient with them. Healing from a loss that is so devastating takes time. Remember, this isn’t a linear type of growth. They will have good days and bad. It’s all a process, as grief brings unexpected highs and lows every day.

    That being said, this time of year, as joyful as it is for many, isn’t so “holly and jolly” for your friend. It’s a stark reminder of who is missing. Try to be understanding if they decline an invite or step away from an event early.

    They may treat this holiday differently than you thought but respect their time and decisions. Keep in mind that they are merely putting one foot in front of the other, going through the motions until January 2.

    Here are some ways to extend patience to your grieving friend:

    -Don’t push or make them feel bad for turning down an invite.

    -Ask about their loved one and listen to how they used to celebrate the holidays together.

    -Remind them to take the time they need this season and that you are ready to meet up whenever they are.

    -Offer your time and let them know you are willing to be a crying shoulder whenever they need one.

    -Wrap your love in forgiveness and know they may react in emotional haste or come across in a way that is unlike them. Grief is often messy and can bring about all kinds of emotions.

    Don’t Compare Their Grief

    I got a random text from a friend I hadn’t heard from in years. She invited me out to dinner, and I reluctantly agreed. Something in my heart warned me not to go, but I desperately needed a friend, so I went.

    She broke the awkward silence by asking about my mother, which I was thankful for, so I proceeded to tell the story of what happened the best I could muster and manage. Then she said three words that instantly set me aback: “Well, at least…” The whelp in my throat grew as I forced back the sting of tears and tried to politely smile, as I do believe she was just trying to be sympathetic. But in all honesty, I am not sure what she said after those three words.

    Here is the thing about grief. We will all encounter it at some point, and every story is different and should all be heard in the right timing. However, when your friend is walking through a season of deep grief and painful “firsts,” please be gentle with them and their heart.

    Resist the urge to relate in some way by comparing it to something you are going through, as it only makes their grief feel invalidated. Common platitudes or cliches, such as “At least they are in a better place” or “I understand how you feel when I lost…” may be said with the best of intentions, but they generally come across as disingenuous.

    Here are some ways to support and console your grieving friend while validating the season of grief they are currently walking through.

    -If they agree to meet up, please understand it may not be easy for them to be around others, so be gentle in your approach.

    -Invite them to share their story if and when they are ready, then listen attentively.

    -Try not to project your own experiences with loss onto your friend. Loss is a personal journey and should be seen as such.

    -Realize they may not be ready to talk, so sometimes a casual conversation is best, but try to take their lead on this.

    -Try to refrain from offering unsolicited advice such as, “Get more sleep” or “Stay positive.” These comments can sound condescending. Rather, let them know you are praying for God to bring them His peace and comfort.

    They Feel Bad for Being Absent-Minded

    The grief your friend currently carries has changed them; they know this, and it truly hurts them that they don’t have the emotional energy to keep up with the things they once did. They often secretly feel bad for forgetting birthdays or special occasions. They also want to attend social events but don’t always feel they know their place anymore.

    Their role has changed, and with it comes a fallout in many areas of their life, including the things they once loved and enjoyed. Now, with the holidays approaching, reminders of their loved ones are everywhere, often causing them to lose sight of their everyday responsibilities.

    The days are already filled with tasks your friend can barely manage, then add the stressors of the holidays and the heavy weight of grief; it can all be too much at times. This can eventually make your grieving friend feel like they are letting others down, becoming a disappointment.

    Here are some ways you can step in and help your friend feel forgiven for mishaps and that they still hold a valuable place in your life:

    -Don’t make them feel bad for forgetting an important day.

    -Remind them of all the good things they are still doing.

    -Take their children for a day in order to give them a moment to seek rest and sit in their grief.

    -Offer real support, such as, “I can bring dinner by this Wednesday or bring you groceries on Thursday evening.”

    -Follow up with them on events with simple and sweet reminders.

    Navigating a friendship being tested by a profound loss is not for the faint of heart. It’s surely not easy and can be somewhat uncomfortable at times, but in helping a friend wade through the murky waters of grief, know that your efforts are not only seen by your hurting friend but by our loving Father. Coming from a place of grief myself, I can tell you it is a lonely journey, but the connection with a true friend is invaluable. So, may God provide you with meaningful ways to bless, love, and support your grieving friend this holiday season, and may it also richly bless you.

    Photo credit: © Getty Images/Kerkez

    Alicia Searl is a devotional author, blogger, and speaker that is passionate about pouring out her heart and pointing ladies of all ages back to Jesus. She has an education background and master’s in literacy.  Her favorite people call her Mom, which is why much of her time is spent cheering them on at a softball game or dance class. She is married to her heartthrob (a tall, spiky-haired blond) who can whip up a mean latte. She sips that goodness while writing her heart on a page while her puppy licks her feet. Visit her website at aliciasearl.com and connect with her on Instagram and Facebook.

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  • Why Couples Must Listen to the Voice of the Holy Spirit

    Why Couples Must Listen to the Voice of the Holy Spirit

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    Romans 8:14 “For as many as are led by the Spirit of God, they are the sons of God. For ye have not received the spirit of bondage again to fear; but ye have received the Spirit of adoption, whereby we cry, Abba, Father. The Spirit itself beareth witness with our spirit, that we are the children of God:  And if children, then heirs; heirs of God, and joint-heirs with Christ; if so be that we suffer with him, that we may be also glorified together.” 

    One of the most important and least understood roles of the Holy Spirit is communicating God’s thoughts to us. Listening to God’s voice is well-documented in Scripture, both in the Old and New Testaments. Adhering to the voice of the Holy Spirit is relational, that is, arising out of a relationship between you and God. It should be something we have a keen interest in doing at all times, especially as Christian couples who yearn for God to bless and guide our families.

    But if you seldom or never hear the whispers of the Spirit, or feel His nudges, you’re missing out on one of the great blessings of your heritage as a child of God. For you and your spouse to hear the voice of the Holy Spirit, you must develop a good foundation by reading the Bible, praying daily, and fasting regularly. Without such spiritual security, you’re missing out on one of the greatest spiritual warfare tools, an instant message from headquarters (heaven) on what the enemy is doing and how to defeat him. Yes! It’s that important for Christian families to hear the voice of the Holy Spirit.

    Listening to God’s voice is a habit of the greatest men and women of faith, and we see many references to this throughout the Old and New Testaments. For example, Peter was in a house in Joppa and had a vision while napping on the roof. When he woke up, Acts 10:19 says, “While Peter thought on the vision, the Spirit said unto him, Behold, three men seek thee.” He went with them, and the first Gentiles heard the gospel, believed, and received the Holy Spirit. 

    And the gospel quickly spread beyond the Jewish and Samaritan worlds into the Roman empire and beyond. All this happened because Peter heard the words of the Holy Spirit and obeyed. This shows that hearing the voice of the Holy Spirit isn’t enough as a couple. You must also learn to obey the words spoken by the Spirit. 

    If God in his majesty has chosen to speak to you, nothing is more important than learning to hear and obey God’s voice! John 10:27 supports this by saying, “My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me.” 

    However, we must be careful with the voices we hear. This is why you two must ask for, receive, and build upon the gifts of the Holy Spirit in your home. When you see your spouse digging into the Word or handling a situation with God’s grace, encourage them. Build them up as they press forward in their relationship with God. 

    1 Corinthians 12:6-10 talks about these gifts, and verse ten says, “To another the working of miracles; to another prophecy; to another discerning of spirits; to another divers kind of tongues; to another the interpretation of tongues.” 

    We must also possess a discerning spirit and recognize the true voice of the Most High God and not fall a victim to the voice of the devil. Satan is a cunning being who will do anything to mislead the true children of God however he can. 1 John 4:1 warns us: “Beloved, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are from God because many false prophets have gone out into the world.”

    There is a biblical account of people possessed by spirits of deception, falsely prophesying: “She continued doing this for many days. But Paul was greatly annoyed and turned and said to the spirit, ‘I command you in the name of Jesus Christ to come out of her!’” (Acts 16:18). We can imagine how many ignorant people must have been led astray by this woman. This is why it’s crucial that couples, who establish and carry on godly generations, should discern the true, powerful voice of the Holy Spirit. 

    Let’s walk through the benefits of couples listening to the Holy Spirit’s voice:

    1. Understanding God’s True Character

    God is trustworthy; He keeps what He has promised. God is kind; He is concerned for us and attentive to our prayers. God is at peace and confident in himself and never intimidated by evil, for He knows He will forever overcome it. The fact that God is omnipresent is another quality he possesses, confirming that God exists simultaneously everywhere. God also isn’t limited by time as humans are; He exists outside our temporal frame of reference.

    David says in Psalm 139:7-8, “Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.” 

    God’s Spirit is everywhere. There is no place you or your family can go where God is not. He is a wise God. According to the Bible, His ways are superior to our ways, and His thoughts are superior to ours. Because we do not possess God’s mind, we cannot fully comprehend why He permits the world to exist as it does. Even though we don’t fully understand everything, we must trust in Him as the good God we know Him to be. Perhaps your husband no longer wishes to attend church or your wife just had a miscarriage. Sin and tragedies exist in a fallen world, and it is up to godly couples to recall God’s kind, faithful nature when fear, hurt, and temptation knock on their doors.

    He is an all-powerful God. God has more power than any other living thing. Isaiah 40:28 says, “The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable.” God’s power allows him to do what He wants.

    God is love. The Bible says that God is love. Love is His quintessence, the essence of who God is. This is why many believers have 1 Corinthians 13 quoted at their weddings. God’s love is so strong and pure that it’s the foundation Christian couples set before entering marriage. 

    He is also righteous and wants us to be without blemish. Genesis 17:1 confirms this by saying, “When Abram was ninety-nine years old, the LORD appeared to Abram and said to him, I am God Almighty; walk before me, and be blameless.” Furthermore, 1 Peter 1:15-16 says, “But as he who called you is holy, you also be holy in all your conduct, since it is written, You shall be holy, for I am holy.”

    2. Making Us Aware of God’s Plans and Purposes

    When you both make it a habit to listen to the Spirit of God, He will soon begin to reveal His true purpose for your lives, as individuals and as a couple. This will be evident in the way He directs you and in the spiritual instructions and guidance you both receive from God. Often, when couples pray together and prioritize God’s plan for them, God blesses both husband and wife with the same desires, realizations, and opportunities. 

    3. Growing in Your Personal Relationship with God

    You both become more intimate with God when you always listen to the voice of His Spirit. This is one of the great benefits that accrues when you and your spouse faithfully pay attention to the voice of God.

    Listening to God’s voice allows you to know Him better. John 10:27 says, “My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me, and I give unto them eternal life, and they shall never perish, neither shall any man pluck them out of my hand.” 

    4. Gaining a Better Understanding of Things You Don’t Know About

    When husband and wife listen to the voice of the Holy Spirit, He will open your eyes and minds to great knowledge and wisdom beyond the imagination. 

    “Call unto me, and I will answer thee, and show thee great and mighty things, which thou knowest not.” Jeremiah 33:3

    Listening to the voice of God heightens your spiritual sensitivity and strengthens your relationship with the Most High, blessing your heavenly and earthly relationships. 

    Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/pcess609

    Emmanuel Abimbola is a creative freelance writer, blogger, and web designer. He is a devout Christian with an uncompromising faith who hails from Ondo State in Nigeria, West Africa. As a lover of kids, Emmanuel runs a small elementary school in Arigidi, Nigeria.

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    Emmanuel Abimbola

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  • 6 Ways to Cope with Your Narcissistic Parents This Holiday Season

    6 Ways to Cope with Your Narcissistic Parents This Holiday Season

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    If time and finances are available, take some time off before the holidays. Get a massage, a facial, or something else that relaxes you. Find relaxing activities to do before and after the day you see your parents. Adult coloring books, knitting, and crocheting are also great and cheap activities to soothe the mind and relax the body. This will help you cope with the holiday season and all the stress that comes with it. The more relaxed you are, the better you’ll be able to see the situation with your parents clearly. You may find you overreact more than necessary. By allowing your mind to replenish its stress hormones, you will find you will be able to cope with the holidays more easily. 

    6. Resolve Your Emotions

    Sometimes you are reacting to a present event with your parents. But sometimes you’re reacting to unresolved wounds and past hurts that have not been resolved. There are great resources available to help you deal with setting firm boundaries and resolving past hurts so that you can see present events with clarity. Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. Henry Townsend and Emotionally Healthy Spiritually by Pete Scazzero are two great resources to help you with this. There are also additional classes and courses you can take to help you deal specifically with your emotions regarding your parents. Do what you can to forgive past events before you see them. Unresolved emotional wounds can cloud your judgment and make you see things from a skewed perspective. You may never forget what has happened in the past, which you can choose to forgive. God calls us to forgive others of their sins so that we will be forgiven of our sins. 

    Take some time with the Lord and conduct an analysis of your parenting style. Do you find you do things similarly to your parents? As much as we dislike it, we sometimes become more like our parents than we realize. If you identify something you say or do that is similarly hurtful to your children as you have been hurt by your parents, understand that we’re all human. Our parents did the best they could with what they learned from the previous generation. Give them a break and give yourself a break as well. You may find you’re more like your parents than you previously thought.

    The holidays can be stressful regardless of who is around your dinner table. But it can be especially stressful when your parents choose to put themselves first instead of you. Strive to put their needs first, and you will find yourself less frustrated and restore your joy. You may find you have a better holiday than you anticipate when you choose to act the way Jesus wants us to act. 

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    Michelle S. Lazurek

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