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  • 10 Ways to Support Military Spouses

    10 Ways to Support Military Spouses

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    Military Spouse Appreciation Day is observed on May 12th. Have you considered ways to support military spouses? This often subtle, under-the-radar outreach and ministry opportunity stands open to participation from fellow military community members or those of us nestled deep in civilian surroundings—young and young-at-heart as well.

    Life can be exciting and full of new experiences in the military community, but it can also be hard for the military spouse.

    During my nearly twenty years as a Navy wife, I recall many situations in which outside support helped me conquer daily tasks and much bigger needs. Assistance from others proved to be vital, but I often struggled to ask for help.

    The excuses often ran something like this: I don’t want to inconvenience them. I should be able to do this myself. Or I simply didn’t know what to ask for or how to ask.

    So I didn’t. (It’s not a path or plan I’d recommend, by the way.)

    Being hundreds of miles away from family, shuffling a schedule of uncertainty, safety concerns, and spousal absence due to month’s-long deployments or frequent weeks-long exercises all play a part in the life of a military wife or husband. It’s up to military spouses to keep our family and house together and running fluidly while the active member is away. That’s sometimes a tough order. As a result, life can be lonely, exhausting, and difficult for military spouses. But with a little help, joy often filters back in as rest, and deepening faith, too.

    That’s where Christians, whether civilian or otherwise, have a wonderful opportunity to pull up alongside military spouses and support them through the hard days and seasons through prayer or practical means. And the best part? This outreach remains possible whether we’re in person or across the miles.

    How to Support Military Spouses During Deployment

    Photo credit: ©GettyImages/jacoblund

    Matthew 7:12 (WEB) tells us this: “Therefore, whatever you desire for men to do to you, you shall also do to them; for this is the law and the prophets.”

    The Golden Rule offers wisdom for daily life. Simply treat others the way we’d like to be treated—including supporting military spouses during deployment and at other times too. It’s an opportunity to help others like we’d appreciate help, stepping in to support spouses battling overwhelm, exhaustion, fear, anxiety, and many other emotions amid various situations.

    How do we support military spouses during deployment? Simply be there. Below are ten ways to support them during deployments as well as throughout the year.

    10 Ways to Support Military Spouses

    1. Cook a Meal

    Healthy, home-cooked meals go a long way. So does the inclusion of paper goods. I spent far too many late nights washing dishes after our young trio went to bed, exhausted but knowing I didn’t want to wake to a mess. A home-cooked dish and paper utensils helped.

    2. Offer to Babysit or Pay for a Babysitter

    Pregnant with our second child, a kind, empty-nester from our church offered to watch our two-year-old son during my obstetrician appointments. (Kids weren’t allowed to accompany the parent, which is especially tricky if you’re new in town.) My son and this sweet woman bonded in a way that continues twenty-one years and many relocations later. Meanwhile, I found relief knowing Joel was safe (and having loads of fun!) with someone I trusted.

    My husband and I were especially particular concerning babysitters. As a result, we didn’t go out often. However, I found breaks from the kids necessary during his absences for my mental health as well as simple things like Christmas shopping without children in tow.

    3. Housecleaning Help

    Housekeeper expenses and military family budgets rarely blend, so this one’s a nice outreach to consider. Offer an hour each week during deployment to assist with general cleaning. Show up with a lawn mower if they live in the civilian community, and whack those grass blades. It’s much safer than a military spouse trying to mow with their child perched on their lap. Hire a housekeeper to clean once a month or quarterly during deployment. Offer to watch the kids or pay for a babysitter so the military spouse can clean without interruption. Or, even buy a book with cleaning and organizational tips in it.

    4. Invite Them to Church or Small Group

    It’s amazing how far a small invitation can go. When moving to a new location, everything seems foreign. Military families dig in to find mechanics, dentists, specific stores and resources they’ll need, and relationships—both with Jesus and people.

    Help them with the transition. Invite them to church. Open the door for a small group. Many of my family’s lifelong relationships stemmed from either church or church small groups. We remain in touch with these people, and the bond remains special years later.

    5. Invite Them into Your Home

    Get to know them, and allow the spouse and families to get to know you. Open the doors to your life and home—with wisdom, of course.

    At one of our duty stations, a couple from church invited us to their home often. We chatted about Jesus and wrestled with faith things together. They introduced us to their world and allowed our kids to become part of it. This tickled my husband and me because we were both “country kids.” This couple’s generosity helped expose our children to the lifestyle my husband and I thought was not possible because of our military lifestyle.

    6. Invite Them to Dinner and Help Them Sample Local Cuisine

    People bond over food. And being invited to another’s dinner table? It’s special.

    We sat at our country friends’ dinner table and enjoyed delicious Southern food more times than I can count. But if your culinary skills teeter, never fear. Invite a military spouse to join you at a local favorite. Or explore new options together.

    7. Check with Them

    Call, text, or visit in person, but check in on military spouses. They won’t ask for it, typically, so intentionality helps. It might take a while before they trust you with their concerns or needs, but they’ll appreciate being thought of and the generosity of this action.

    A couple once helped us decorate for Christmas. Our kids were young, and my husband was gone. That was a special afternoon that came about because, through conversation, they checked in on me.

    8. Exchange Phone Numbers

    It’s easy enough to add folks to phone contact lists. Exchanging contact information indicates a first step in relationship buy-in, and it gives that spouse a local connection to inquire about stores, repairs, etc.

    9. Pray

    The Bible, in 1 Thessalonians 5:17, prompts us to pray continually. The military spouse’s list of needs and concerns runs long, especially during deployment, exercises, or whenever the active duty member is away. Encourage them to take the daily needs to their Creator and the lover of their soul in prayer regularly. For in Him, our needs are truly met.

    Ask about and bathe their daily task list in prayer. Their needs, concerns, and struggles, too. Pray quietly alone or one-on-one with the military spouse. Include the family in a prayer walk or circle. Whatever the approach, take those daily needs to the feet of the One who remains faithful, and encourage the military spouse to do the same.

    10. Be There

    With a husband deployed and our third child’s due date facing me, several friends rallied. Some watched our two older children until my parents arrived in town. Another friend drove with me to the hospital. A few stayed with me as I labored unsuccessfully, and one even stayed the night at the hospital, then attended the birth in the operating room the following day. They showed up. And we can too. Whether in person, through letters, video, text, or a call, we have a wonderful opportunity to be there for them.

    Grab one or more ways to support military spouses, walk out the “golden rule,” and watch a possible lifelong relationship unfold. May the Lord be praised.

    Check out Kristi’s new book, 101 Prayers for Military Wives, which you can pre-order here!

    About the book: “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.” (Proverbs 3:5-6 NIV) Kristi Woods, a military wife herself for 19 years, offers heartfelt prayers to encourage the unsung heroes of the military. 101 Prayers for Military Wives is a collection of topical prayers that brings hope and reminds military wives that whatever situation they find themselves in, God is near, He can be trusted, and they are never alone.

    Photo credit: ©GettyImages/jacoblund

    Kristi Woods, author of 101 Prayers for Military Wives, loves to tell stories about God, real people, and a few pretend couples, too. She writes Christian nonfiction and Christian fiction that’s often threaded with a hero or military life. She and her retired-from-the-Navy husband have set roots in Oklahoma, where she keeps dibs on their three adult children while also keeping watch for tornadoes and creamy, mouth-watering chocolate. Follow the journey, grab free faith resources, and find out more about her latest releases at KristiWoods.net.

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  • 6 Ways to Heal When a Friendship Ends

    6 Ways to Heal When a Friendship Ends

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    Friendships matter. Our friends are there to hold our hands when life gets messy. They bring us laughter. Your memories together are a treasure you can hold onto for your lifetime. When these special ones you call friends leave your life for one reason or another, it leaves a hole.

    A friend I shared many years of motherhood with unexpectedly exited my life not long ago. We had spent endless mornings commiserating at the park, weekends away together trying to recuperate to love our families better, and even share a tattoo to make the friendship official. But life comes with many unexpected detours, which brought us to different places recently. The funny thing is that even though I have accepted the need for the change, my mind and body still grieve the loss. She visits me in my dreams. I often consider what could have been if the road between us had looked just a little different. My prayers often include her because even though we are distanced, I will forever love her.

    Sometimes it’s easy to think a friend can come and go without causing us to grieve, but that’s not the truth. The place friends hold in our lives is a deeply important one. It’s our source of joy, community, support, and love. We need friends! I’m learning to process my own sense of grief as I move forward without one I loved in my daily life. Here are a few ways to find healing when you are facing the end of a friendship:

    1. Acknowledge Your Feelings

    Photo credit: ©GettyImages/AntonioGuillem

    There can be so many complex feelings we face when a friendship ends. Often, this happens because there is some kind of falling out or change in lifestyle. It’s tough to process all the reasons why a friendship is over. Give yourself the grace to acknowledge all the crazy feelings in your head. This doesn’t mean you need to hold onto these emotions; acknowledging them is one way to process them so you can eventually let the negative feelings you may be struggling with go. Find a trusted person in your life to share how this loss is affecting you and share that burden with another.

    2. Pray

    Pray for healing if there has been a rift between you and your beloved friend. If you just can’t be in the same space with the other person, but there are no hard feelings, continue to pray for that friend as a way to continue to hold them close to you and support them from a distance. Pray that God would help you to graciously process your hurts and loss associated with the situation so you can navigate any future interactions with grace, love, and mercy.

    3. Live Above Reproach

    Sometimes friendships end because you’ve hurt each other. These wounds can go deep, yet God calls us to live above reproach. This means we give up our right to get in the last word, justify our bad behavior, or get revenge. We have to allow God to be the one who makes things right for us. Trust that he is still working in both of your lives and will find ways to teach you through this ordeal. It’s tough not to want to defend ourselves when we feel wronged, but it’s not our job. It’s up to God to care for our hearts and convict others that have hurt us.

    4. Offer Forgiveness

    two women holding hands, church is under fire after they expelled a woman who divorced her husband and came out as lesbian

    Photo credit: ©Getty Images/Maria Korneeva

    Allow forgiveness to be a part of your story. Even if distance is a must in your friendship in order to maintain health, don’t let bitterness well up in your heart. We can offer grace and forgiveness for ourselves and to others. It’s our job to let our friends know we are not there to hold a grudge. We can move forward with peace and give no space for the enemy to plant seeds of bitterness and unforgiveness in our hearts.

    5. Embrace Boundaries

    While forgiveness is important, boundaries are still healthy. We can forgive but still understand that we are worth being treated with respect and love. If you are stepping away from a toxic friendship, it’s okay to say I can’t share the same spaces I once did with that person with love and grace. It can be really hard to establish boundaries with a person that once was close to you, but they can help you process and move forward without getting sucked back into an unhealthy situation.

    6. Give it Time

    I am the most impatient when something feels freshly out of whack in my life. I just want to get as far away from my discomfort as quickly as possible. I want to find the perfect words to make better what I feel has been broken. I’m learning as I grow older that sometimes the right words don’t exist, especially in the immediate aftermath of a loss. When we are patient and sit in discomfort a bit before reacting, things somehow feel a little less raw and urgent.

    Time gives your mind and body a chance to level out. Time gives you space to seek out wisdom if you aren’t sure what the next right step should be. It also gives others in your life space to do that same kind of searching and healing. In time you will find more clarity about what life moving forward should look like, and it may inform you of what things from the past you need to apologize for. Time is a gift when things feel murky.

    Ultimately we have to trust that the Lord will work in our lives, even in the situations we haven’t handled perfectly. He is able to lovingly bring grace that can cover our failures. Continue to pray and ask that he continue working in your and your once-friend’s lives. God is never finished with us! He is working and moving even when we don’t see it, and we can be so grateful for his sovereign hand at work on our behalf.

    Photo credit: ©GettyImages/Prostock-Studio

    Amanda Idleman is a writer whose passion is to encourage others to live joyfully. She writes devotions for My Daily Bible Verse Devotional and Podcast, Crosswalk Couples Devotional, the Daily Devotional App, she has work published with Her View from Home, on the MOPS Blog, and is a regular contributor for Crosswalk.com. She has most recently published a devotional, Comfort: A 30 Day Devotional Exploring God’s Heart of Love for Mommas. You can find out more about Amanda on her Facebook Page or follow her on Instagram.

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  • 5 Ways to Avoid Temptation As a Single Christian

    5 Ways to Avoid Temptation As a Single Christian

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    Road construction is evil. No one can get where they are going in time for anything. Invariably, the orange barrels are blocking off a lane where no work is being done, and the guy holding the STOP/SLOW sign is thinking about penguins in Antarctica. Therefore, when possible, most of us avoid these areas, like the plague. Even if it means taking a longer or more circuitous route, it will still be better than becoming gridlocked in a construction zone.

    Temptation in life is like road construction in cars. It is better avoided completely than wading through at risk of life, limb, and sanity. So break out your map or app, and let’s look for ways to avoid temptation.

    1. Don’t Get a Ticket – Police Your Thoughts

    If you haven’t gotten a ticket in a construction zone, it is the grace of God because it seems likely that all of us have desired to do something in a construction area that would warrant a ticket.

    James tells us that is how sin starts. First is the desire. We lust after that pleasure, person, or experience until our desire overcomes us. Then, when we begin to scheme how we can get what we want, sin is born. And when sin is fully grown, it leads to death.

    The logical place to cut off this progression is at the beginning with our thoughts. Controlling our thoughts is a moment-by-moment battle. Our human tendency is to form unhealthy patterns in the way that we think. Places that we retreat to enjoy and comfort ourselves – often by soothing ourselves with lies and playing with temptation.

    To avoid this, those habits must be torn out of our minds and replaced with godly thoughts. This can be done, but it is not simple. It involves memorizing God’s Word so it is constantly available to substitute for wrong thoughts. It involves an honest prayer life that invites God to correct, instruct, and discipline. And it involves surrounding ourselves as much as possible with music, entertainment, and relationships that glorify God rather than sex, violence, or pleasure.

    “Let…the meditation of my heart be acceptable in Your sight, O Lord, my strength and my Redeemer.” – Psalm 19:14

    2. Find Others Who Are Following Jesus, Not the Crowd

    Photo Credit: ©iStock/Getty Images Plus/Sanja Radin

    By and large, the general public appears happy to sit in traffic created by construction projects. By and large, the general public appears happy to be buzzed and/or high, juggling three significant others and gambling their money at the craps tables. Sin does have an upside, be it small. And if the fun of sin is what our friends, especially our close friends, are constantly parading in front of us, we are allowing temptation to be a consistent part of our lives.

    But God assures us that sin has a steep downside, and if our friends remind us of the cost of sin, they provide us a measure of protection against temptation. As we pick out close friends who are walking with Jesus rather than with the crowd, we are able to build each other up and affirm each other’s wise decisions.

    “He who walks with wise men will be wise.” – Proverbs 13:20a

    3. Use Temptation Roadblocks

    Roadblocks are invasive. They are so frustrating, particularly if there seems to be no reason for them. But it is worth it because wet concrete looks almost the same as dry concrete. Similarly, it can be inconvenient to purposefully put roadblocks in our paths to avoid temptation. But when our goal is to glorify Christ, it is completely worth it because sin looks safe until it doesn’t.

    Different people need different roadblocks to protect them from temptation but:

    Most of us would be wise to install and use filters on our devices and avoid spending time alone with members of the opposite sex.

    Many of us would benefit from having an accountability app on those same devices or telling someone else your goals in a particular area and having them hold you to it.

    Some of us should purposefully refrain from driving by the adult entertainment establishment, the casino, or the bar.

    Others should plan to have someone else review our monthly credit card statements and explain our stewardship.

    Setting our phones to allow only a certain number of hours of screen time may help a significant number of us pursue what is truly important in life.

    For those of us dating, not spending time alone in our cars or at each other’s homes may keep us from running into wet concrete. And it is much easier to avoid the wet concrete than it is to get out once the car is in past its axles.

    “A prudent man foresees evil and hides himself, but the simple pass on and are punished.” – Proverbs 22:3

    4. Practice Running

    There is essentially nothing more envy provoking than an emergency vehicle in a construction zone. They get lights and sirens. They get to go fast. And all the un-special cars grind to a halt and get out of the way.

    When it comes to temptation, we get to be emergency vehicles. So refuse to get hung up on what you are missing or what the other cars might think. It’s time to turn on those lights and sirens and run. Running takes practice, and it starts in little ways.

    Reading a book with a steamy chapter, coarse language, or godless morals? Close it. Dispose of it. Watching a movie that suddenly devolves into a nude scene or a gory mess? Close your eyes. Walk out. Everyone at work is going out for drinks? “I can’t go out for drinks with you guys. Why don’t we go to the grill instead?” Your date puts their hand somewhere that makes you feel too warm. Get up and walk away.

    Your family wants to go out to a buffet – but you tend to overeat. Offer to watch the youngest kids at home.

    Running practice is no fun until you win the prize.

    “No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear.” – 1 Corinthians 10:13

    5. I Got a Ticket – Now What?

    Getting a ticket in a construction zone is the worst because everyone can see into your car as they creep past. But once you’ve been pulled over, there is nothing to do but slouch in your seat and wait for the police officer to hand you a ticket that costs more than your car.

    But spiritually, when we sin, there is much more for us to do than simply slouch and wait. And there is much more we should do.

    First, we talk with God and tell Him exactly what we did. We agree with Him that it is wrong and our actions dishonored our Savior and hurt others.

    Second, we accept God’s forgiveness. There is no sin that Christ’s sacrifice was not enough to cover, and there is no sin that His grace is sufficient enough to redeem.

    Third, we ask God to lift us up and show us how to try again. Our Lord is not surprised when we fall and is right there with us.

    Fourth, we go back, ask forgiveness, and make things right with those we wronged.

    No one said it would be easy. But we can rest assured that we were not saved to continue being slaves of sin. We were rescued from this power to become servants of the Most High God Who has promised us victory.

    “But God be thanked that though you were slaves of sin, yet you obeyed from the heart that form of doctrine to which you were delivered. And having been set free from sin, you became slaves of righteousness.” – Romans 6:17-18

    Learn more about Alisha’s newest book, Confessions of a Christian Spinster:

    Alisha Plummer Book Confessions of a Christian SpinsterBeing single in today’s church often feels like a waiting game. You’re put on hold in ministry, service, even spiritual growth until you say “I do,” and you’re either pitied or not seen at all. Unlike today’s church, God is not mystified by the presence of unmarried Christ-followers in the pews. In fact, he has masterful plans for those without a ring on their finger. Alisha Plummer points out how God is eager to empower them with purpose and passion.
    In Confessions of a Christian Spinster, Alisha explores God’s design specifically for Christian singlehood through amusing tales and scripturally based truths. She tackles the difficult questions the church often ignores, like: Where do I fit in? Does the church even want me? Has God forgotten about me? What happens if I never get married? Further, she confronts the church, calling for an adjustment to its couple-centric culture, and asking Christians to understand that their single brothers and sisters are not only valued by God but integral to his kingdom.

    Singles will feel seen through Alisha’s words; they’ll be encouraged to seize their role in the church and inspire their pastoral staff to reinvent their culture on singleness. is a powerful resource for those seeking to live and thrive in a perplexed church–and a way forward for the church itself.

    Photo credit: ©GettyImages/urbazon
    Photo credit: ©Kregel Publications/AlishaPlummer

    Alisha Plummer is the author of the new book Confessions of a Christian Spinster, as well as an emergency department physician assistant and writer in Rio Rancho, New Mexico. A self-described “perpetual Christian single,” she is also a church leader in women’s and children’s ministries. While this is her first book, Alisha writes for multiple periodical and online publications and regularly blogs at her devotional site, pandorasporch.com.

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  • Do I Really Have to Hate My Mother and Father to Love Jesus?

    Do I Really Have to Hate My Mother and Father to Love Jesus?

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    The Bible is full of history and wisdom needed to guide our lives. But some sections of the Bible are confusing and, if we don’t understand the context, concerning. Am I really supposed to hate my family? Taken at face value, Jesus plainly told us that we must hate not only our mothers and fathers but our entire family and ourselves. In Luke 14:26, He says, “If anyone comes to Me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters—yes, even their own life—such a person cannot be my disciple.” That seems awfully harsh and even makes me question Jesus. Why would the embodiment of Love itself tell us to hate so many people? Does He really mean it?

    We have to recognize that Jesus sometimes spoke in hyperbole, which exaggerated statements not meant to be taken literally. You and I speak in hyperbole often. My children, who refuse to wear coats, shout, “I’m freezing!” As dinnertime approaches, I say, “I’m starving!” When my husband comes home from a rough day at work, he says, “I had the worst day.” All of these are exaggerations that make the point we are seeking without being the absolute facts. 

    Jesus sometimes spoke in hyperbole in His parables. In Matthew 5:29-30, Jesus says, “If your right eye causes you to stumble, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. And if your right hand causes you to stumble, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell.” Shortly after, He commands us to, “Be perfect…as your heavenly Father is perfect” (Matthew 5:48). Later, He tells His followers, “It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of God” (Matthew 19:24). Jesus offended many people when He “said to them, ‘Very truly I tell you, unless you eat the flesh of the Son of Man and drink His blood, you have no life in you” (John 6:53). 

    All of these are examples of Jesus using hyperbole to make His point. While not to be taken literally, these statements are examples of the bigger picture, the truth that Jesus is always pointing us to–that He is better than anything we could ever imagine, and the sacrifices that we must make in this short life are nothing compared to the beauty of eternal life with Him. Jesus’ hyperbole reminds us that earning our salvation is impossible and that “it is by grace you have been saved, through faith…not by works” (Ephesians 2:8-9). 

    Love

    Knowing that Jesus used hyperbole, how can we know what He meant in Luke 14:26? The best way to interpret Scripture is with Scripture. We compare the information we have to the overall theme of the Bible. If something goes against the Bible, it is not true. When we look at one verse, we do not have the full picture. Yes, Luke 14:26 tells us to hate our mother and father, but while considering the use of hyperbole, we must compare that to the numerous verses that tell us to love others:

    “Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the Lord your God is giving you.” Exodus 20:12

    “Whoever claims to love God yet hates a brother or sister is a liar. For whoever does not love their brother and sister, whom they have seen, cannot love God, whom they have not seen.” (1 John 4:20)

    “Love your neighbor as yourself.” (Matthew 22:39)

    “Each of you must respect your mother and father…” (Leviticus 19:3)

    “Listen to your father, who gave you life, and do not despise your mother when she is old.” (Proverbs 23:22) 

    “Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord.” (Colossians 3:20)

    “But if a widow has children or grandchildren, these should learn first of all to put their religion into practice by caring for their own family and so repaying their parents and grandparents, for this pleasing to God.” (1 Timothy 5:4)

    “Anyone who curses their father or mother is to be put to death.” (Exodus 21:17) 

    Considering all of these verses, and many more throughout the Bible, that speak of loving others and ourselves, it is clear that God prioritizes love and wants us to respect our parents. (Of course, this does not mean subjecting yourself to abuse. If you have a difficult or dangerous relationship with a family member, you can love them from afar through prayer to keep yourself safe.) So why did Jesus tell us to hate?

    What Does It Mean?

    When Jesus tells us to hate our mother and father, He is using hyperbole to speak to a bigger point. One of the Ten Commandments is “You shall have no other gods before me” (Exodus 20:3). When God says, “No,” He means it. Not even our mother or father shall be a god before Him. We should not treat ourselves as a god before Him. Jesus does not want us to hate our family; He clearly wants us to care for them. But He absolutely does not want us to worship anyone over Him. 

    The Bible speaks of physical idols that people created, but an idol can be anything that we worship or esteem above God. When we admire something more than God, then we have created an idol. In respecting and loving others, we must ensure they do not come before God. If what my mom thinks of me is more important than what God thinks of me, then I have made my mom an idol. If spending time with my dad is my priority over spending time with the Lord, then I have made my dad an idol. 

    When Jesus was asked to name the greatest commandment, He replied, “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind” (Matthew 22:37). When He said to hate our mother and father, He meant in comparison to our love for him. No one, not our selfish desires or even our parents, should get in the way of our love for the Lord. To be His disciples, we must be willing to have boundaries with others and always put the Lord first. 

    How can we care for our families and still put the Lord first? In all your love and serving or “whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord” (Colossians 3:23). When you seek the Lord first, the Holy Spirit works to help you “flee from idolatry” (1 Corinthians 10:14). It may seem impossible, “but not with God; all things are possible with God” (Mark 10:27). Continue to honor your parents, care for your family, be kind to your siblings, and love yourself. But do not let anyone come before the Lord your God.

    Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/Aaron Amat

    Megan Moore is a military spouse and mom of 3 (through birth and adoption). A speech-language pathologist by training, she now spends her time moving around the country every couple of years. She is passionate about special needs, adoption, and ice cream.

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  • Will There Be Dating in Heaven?

    Will There Be Dating in Heaven?

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    Heaven. The goal for every believer in Christ. It’s the place described as having streets paved with gold, filled with unimaginable mansions and pearly gates upon entry. Heaven is the home of Our Heavenly Father. It is God’s dwelling place designed for total praise and worship. Earth. The world we live in. The place where humans dwell. The ground on which we walk on. The place that God Himself formed for His glory. As we can see by the brief descriptions, it is clear that heaven and earth are naturally two different realms that have few similarities.

    Nonetheless, heaven and earth are both God’s creations, with distinct purposes for existing. Many people wonder many things about heaven. For instance, some wonder how soon they will see Jesus; will they reunite with loved ones, or will their pets be alive in heaven? While these and other wonders ponder through the minds of numerous believers, another question lingers in the thoughts of Christian singles; will there be time for dating in heaven? There are a number of unmarried believers here on earth who are either searching for their soulmate or patiently awaiting their arrival. Unfortunately, many of them never get the chance to meet them before God calls them home to live with Him. Not only this, but many single Christians have a difficult time dating here on earth, so this question gives them hope for the possibility of better dating options. The answer to the question of dating heaven is a hard no. Here’s why.

    Dating is a multifaceted action with many purposes and definitions. The world defines it as a period in one’s life where a person is actively seeking intimate connections. It’s further defined as an action designed for unmarried individuals to discover the one they will spend the rest of their lives with on earth through the process of trial and error, heartbreaks, and disappointments. During this time, an unmarried individual decides the type of dating relationship they desire for different periods of their single lives. For instance, someone can decide on casual dating, meaning they are not seeking long-term commitment. There are monogamous dating relationships where people decide to commit to one another to see if they are compatible for a long-term commitment. There are heterosexual, homosexual, and even sexual dating relationships.

    From the Christian perspective, many may argue that dating isn’t biblical because it is often associated with many sins; fornication, lying, backbiting, covetousness, lust, jealousy, and other sinful temptations. In the dating world, these are some of the things/sins that people (believers and non-believers) engage in, consciously and subconsciously, that are covered up as typical, physical and emotional actions and reactions resulting from dating interactions. Unfortunately, many Christians fall prey to these dating expectations simply because standards for dating have not been established for believers based on biblical standards, so it’s hard to understand why many would wonder if there will be dating in heaven.

    With dating, temptation can be at an all-time high. Physical attraction, financial attraction, and the need to compete with others to secure the heart of someone can tempt a person to indulge in sinful activities to fill their fleshly desires. Temptation is a sin that does not exist in heaven. We will no longer exist in fleshly bodies; therefore, we will no longer have a sinful nature.

    While dating, many people often confuse lust with love in search of it. I Corinthians 13:4-7 says, “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.” The traits that describe love seem to be missing in many relationships in this world. Many people fail to be patient with others. They don’t show kindness. Some are envious of others’ relationships, dating, or marriage. People who are casually dating or in some dating relationships are often self-seeking; they’re only concerned with what they can get from someone else. Others post and boast about their dating relationships on social media for the approval of onlookers/on-likers, while others date multiple people simultaneously and are untruthful about it. This is not love or the process of seeking it. This is lust of the flesh. 1 John 2:16 says, “For everything in the world- the lust of the flesh, and the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life, is not of the Father, but is of the world.” Desires of the flesh will not be the experience in heaven. Why? Because, again, we will no longer exist in sinful natures; desires will automatically be different. Besides, lust for the flesh and satisfying them are temporary, and who wants temporary satisfaction? There will be a different experience with love in heaven. Honestly speaking, true love will be experienced in heaven. It will be the unconditional, everlasting love of God. The love that we should show each other every day while on earth.

    Heaven will be filled with peace and joy. While dating is an exciting time, it comes with ups, downs, and disappointments which can disturb someone’s peace. The agony of uncertainty with certain relationships. Anticipating hearing from someone. The various pressures from the world and even family can accompany dating. Now again, dating is an exciting journey but can bring unpeaceful and unpredictable situations. Heaven is filled with the peace of God that only He creates.

    Heaven will be filled with praise and worship of the Most High God. Souls will be focused on praising and uplifting God, so there won’t be time to focus on dating. Heaven will also be filled with adoration and joy for God. In the game of dating, people focus on admiring the traits of others to see if they are a compatible partner for them. If the focus is on someone else, then the focus won’t be on praising God.

    The game of dating has varying purposes with varying outcomes. However, no matter what the end goal is, one thing’s for sure: people are seeking love and companionship. While the methods of seeking it here on earth can be difficult to fathom, believers who are saved and secure in that knowledge won’t have to be concerned with finding love on the other side of this world. Therefore, they won’t have to be concerned about dating in heaven. And let’s be honest; if heaven is truly the believer’s goal, then they should know that things we do on earth will not be the same in heaven. Not only this, but they should look forward to seeing God, meeting Jesus, and praising Him. Honestly, I believe if more people included God in their dating relationships, choices, and actions here on earth, things would not seem so daunting. Not only this, they would have experienced dating at its fullest and won’t have to look for it in heaven. Dating is a blessing that teaches lessons that can change someone’s life forever. While it is a learning experience, it is meant for dwelling on earth.

    Related Articles:

    Will I Recognize My Spouse in Heaven?

    Will I Still Be Married to My Spouse in Heaven?

    Will We Know Each Other in Heaven?

    Photo credit: ©GettyImages/shapecharge

    Author Liz Lampkin is an experienced writer, teacher, and speaker. She is an advocate for singles who encourages them to live their best life God’s way. Follow her on Instagram @Liz_Lampkin.

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    Liz Lampkin

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  • 3 Ways God Protects Women in the Design of Sex

    3 Ways God Protects Women in the Design of Sex

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    This article is for women who have had negative sexual experiences and traumas and need reassurance and hope that God sees them and protects them, even in the act of sex itself. 

    Personally, I think God knew how scary sex could be when he created it, especially for women, since we are (typically) physically weaker and historically more dependent on our husbands —and therefore more likely to be taken advantage of. Truthfully, sex is vulnerable for everyone. But the beautiful thing is that God put up safeguards in the design of sex to ensure that his daughters are protected and given proper love and attention.

    Whether you are currently married, engaged, dating, or single, I pray that you find hope and healing in these acknowledgments of how beautifully God created sex and his protection of women therein so that you can find freedom.

    My Story

    I have been married for a whole nine months and have had to wrestle with so many fears around sex since my husband asked me to marry him last year.

    While I was engaged (and celibate), one of my bridesmaids and best friends was in town to help set up my bridal shower. She casually slid down onto the couch where I was sitting and abruptly asked me, “So, Kelly-Jayne, how does it feel that you’re about to have sex!?”

    She was single and genuinely curious about how I was feeling about my next stage in life. But with this simple question, I almost immediately began to cry. Sex, at this time, did not have a positive connotation for me. At all.

    Sex meant a lack of safety. It meant a loss of control. Sex, in my mind, was all about the man getting what he wanted, and the woman being used up and disposed of. It did not feel safe enough to talk about casually and sure as heck did not feel safe enough to experience.

    My negative sexual history with unloving men had led me to this extremely sensitive and fearful state. And even more than that, it was in the deep emotional processing of the fact that I was soon going to be sexually active that I remembered that I was molested as a child. I only share that detail with you to say that I get it.

    If you are like me and feel like sex equals fear rather than love, I understand. Sex is one of the most vulnerable experiences a human can have. That is why it is so beautiful. But it can also be so damaging when not enacted as God intends.

    God is the God who sees you (Genesis 16:13). You are not wrong, unfaithful, or weak for having fears around sex.

    But you can also be completely healed.

    For my healing journey in this area, I needed to know that God saw my pain and fears and that I wasn’t dumb for having them. I wasn’t broken just because I reacted to the idea of sex differently than other people would. Just because I had some extra healing work to do, didn’t mean that I didn’t trust God or didn’t love my husband.

    I just needed to reframe sex to think about it the way that God does, as a safe place. Maybe even the safe place.

    Sex as a Safe Place: A Replica of the Garden of Eden

    Fortunately, my husband and I received a lot of counseling in this arena before we got married. The wise couple who mentored us gave us a mental picture to hold onto: the marriage bed can be seen as a mini-Garden of Eden.

    In the Garden, “Adam and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame,” (Gen 2:25). We get to re-experience this state of being free of shame, totally vulnerable, totally visible, with nothing to hide when we experience sexual intimacy with our spouse.

    Another way that sexual intimacy is reflective of the Garden of Eden is that the best sexual experiences are the most selfless ones, where each partner is attuned to the desires and needs of the other. Surely, if we were still in the Garden, this is how we would always exist: completely selfless and giving to one another. Thankfully, we can practice this in the act of marriage.

    Hebrews 13:4 exhorts us to keep the marriage bed pure. How beautiful is it that the marriage bed is pure in the first place? Undefiled and innocent. Safe from anything that would debase it. It truly is a gift.

    Plus, I love that it’s called a marriage bed. Beds are a place of warmth, rest, and comfort. This is what God wants for our sexual experiences.

    Understanding that God designed the marriage bed to be a place of safety changed everything for me. And I believe that God underscores and proves this desire for his beloved daughters to feel safe through how he designed the very act of sex itself.

    Here are three ways that helped heal my view of sex through God’s inherent protection:

    1. Foreplay Necessitates That Wives Are Pursued Selflessly

    Foreplay provides time for the wife to be “wooed and won.” The act of intimacy can be painful or even impossible if her body has not been made ready for it through foreplay. Without the intimate kissing, thoughtful touching, cuddling, and closeness that foreplay provides – things that the wife needs to feel loved – actual intercourse might feel less connected, more domineering and less special overall. Either that or penetration might not be physically possible at all.

    I love that it’s almost like God put up this safeguard for women through the necessity of foreplay. The husband must slow down and be selfless towards his wife if intercourse is to be pleasurable and intimate.

    The Christian book Intended for Pleasure puts it this way: “Most women like to be wooed and won. Let the man indicate by the way he approaches his wife that he is demonstrating his love for her, not claiming sex as his right. The husband must be careful not to appear hurried, crude, rude, mechanical, or impatient!”

    It means so much to me to know that God creates a space for his precious daughters to be loved and pursued and that that pursuit is almost like it’s a prerequisite for sex to happen at all. God knows our need to be approached with affection and gentleness, so he wove that into the design of sex itself.

    2. The Way for a Husband to Increase His Wife’s Sex Drive Depends on His Own Selflessness

    It’s no secret that husbands typically have a stronger sex drive than their wives. Before I was engaged, I had unfortunately been exposed to many negative attitudes about this fact, and it made sex out to be a duty for women more than a delight.

    It seemed like the only two options were for the wife to grin and bear it or for the husband to bottle up his own needs and suffer through it instead. But luckily, I was able to stumble upon this passage from The Act of Marriage that highlights a beautiful third option:

    “The wise and loving husband will therefore learn as much as he can about this subject in order to bestow on his bride the greatest lovemaking experience possible for both her benefit and his own. The more he strives for her enjoyment, the more he will help to create in her a favorable and exciting attitude toward the relationship. And the more she enjoys it, the more she will welcome and take delight in it.”

    The world makes it seem like the sex drive of the husband drives him right towards impurity and a caveman attitude. But God’s design is to usher this sex drive towards greater joy for his wife and greater union between the two of them. How beautiful is that?

    I felt so protected and special to God when I read this for the first time. God’s design for sex is for both partners to be uplifted and given to! And he makes it so that the most satisfying relationship is one where the wife is also given attention and honor. Selflessness on the husband’s part is 100 percent necessary for this to happen, or he loses out, too.

    3. God Celebrates Women Through Sexual Climax

    I know, I know, you might be blushing by now while reading this. But pleasure is nothing to be ashamed of. As the book title suggests, we were intended for it! And the well-known, biological fact that women have the capacity to experience multiple orgasms within a single session, while males can only experience one, makes me feel really special to God.

    There isn’t any scripture to back me up on this, but this is how I interpret this fact: it’s almost like a counterbalance to men’s stronger sex drive. Yes, they may be driven to initiate intercourse more often, partially out of pleasure for themselves, but God makes it so it isn’t all about them.

    This isn’t as much physical protection as it is protecting your attitude. I feel God’s heart to give women special attention and care by creating women’s ability to achieve multiple orgasms. It ensures the spotlight is shared and reads to me like a little wink from God, ensuring his daughters feel pampered and beautiful.

    Every orgasm is also a chance for the wife to feel special and connected to her husband, naturally helping her to trust him more and more. As I’ve said, God knew that sex could be scary – and every time a wife reaches climax, she feels relaxed and grateful for the love shown to her. It is so kind of God to increase this capacity for women because he knew we would need it to trust our husbands increasingly.

    There is much more to be said about the spiritual implications of sexual intimacy and how to heal from sexual wounds, but I hope these thoughts give you a starting point for trusting God. I believe he went out of his way to design sex with protections for women in mind. He sees you, and he loves you! And wants nothing more than for you to feel pursued, special, and safe at all times – especially in an area so vulnerable as intimacy.

    Photo Credit: ©Annette Sousa HW/Unsplash

    Kelly-Jayne McGlynn is a former editor at Crosswalk.com. She sees the act of expression, whether through writing or art, as a way to co-create with God and experience him deeper. Check out her handmade earring Instagram and Etsy for more of her thoughts on connecting with God through creative endeavors.

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  • 5 Ways to Use Worship as a Weapon against Spiritual Attacks

    5 Ways to Use Worship as a Weapon against Spiritual Attacks

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    We live in a spiritual realm. Many times, what we consider fleshly battles with other people or circumstances may in fact be a full-on attack from the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places.

    Ephesians 6:11-12 instructs believers: “Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms” (NIV).

    It’s interesting that Ephesians 6 tells us to put on the “full armor of God” so that we can withstand spiritual attacks, and then every piece of armor listed in verses 14-17 refers to the Person of Jesus. That passage is basically telling us to clothe ourselves in Christ – to bear His truth and righteousness, exercise faith in Him, yield His Word as our sword, and trust in Him as our salvation. In other words, abiding in Christ, and worshipping Him is our full defense against Satan’s attacks.

    Here are five ways to put on the full armor of God and worship Him as your weapon against spiritual attacks:

    1. Say the name of Jesus.

    Ephesians 6:17 tells us the “armor of God” includes “the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.” Ephesians 4:12 says “Salvation is found in [Jesus and] no one else, for there is no other name under heaven given to mankind by which we must be saved.” Furthermore, Scripture tells us the word of God was made manifest in Jesus (John 1:1,14). Simply put, there is power in the name of Jesus. So incorporate that power not just by ending your prayers with the words “In Jesus’ name,” but start praising Jesus and Who He is to remind yourself (and the spiritual forces of darkness) of the power in that name. For example, pray: “Jesus, You are more powerful than my enemy.” “Jesus, when You are for me, who can be against me?” (Romans 8:31) “Jesus, Your name is above every name in heaven and earth” (Ephesians 1:21). “Jesus, You have all authority” (Matthew 28:18).

    When you say His name aloud, through praise or a call for help, you are enlisting all of heaven’s armies, which respond to the beck and call of Jesus and His loved ones (Psalm 18:6-19, Romans 10:13).

    2. Keep a heart of praise.

    First Thessalonians 5:18 exhorts us to “give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” To give thanks in all circumstances means to praise and thank Him in the midst of disappointment, in the midst of heartache, in the midst of pain. As those are often times when we are at our weakest, and most prone to spiritual attack, your praise-in-all-things mentality just may ward off the enemy’s attacks in the first place.

    But if you’re like Job, and you’re being attacked in spite of your upright living, then obey 1 Thessalonians 5:18 and thank Him that He is stronger than any forces that will ever come against you. Thank Him for how the trial or attack is developing you spiritually and perfecting and maturing your faith (James 1:2-4). As you keep a heart of praise, which is the essence of worship, you are abiding in Him. Psalm 22:3 says God inhabits the praises of His people or is enthroned in our praises. When God is inhabiting the person of praise, Satan’s attacks can irritate but not penetrate. Keep your heart and mind set on thanking Him and you will be wielding spiritual attack with a weapon of praise.

    3. Sing the scriptures.

    One thing I love about the old hymns and even some of the newer contemporary worship music is that many of them contain direct quotations from Scripture which make them easier to memorize and recite. All of Scripture’s Psalms (which literally mean “songs”) were originally set to music and meant to be sung. Compose your own tune in your head as you sing the Bible’s Psalms aloud or sing some Psalms or New Testament passages that have been set to music by 19th-century composers or contemporary music artists.

    As you sing the scriptures you remind yourself of who you are in God’s eyes. For example, you are His beloved (Jeremiah 31:3), you are His friend (John 15:13-15), you are His adopted child (Romans 8:15), you are “His masterpiece” (Ephesians 2:10 NLT). When you quote scripture back to Satan, he knows that scripture, and he trembles – and backs off – at the power of the written word of God.

    4. Pray Scripture aloud.

    We tend to think of worship as singing or some other form of praise, but worship also involves prayer, reading the Word, quiet admiration of and reflection on God, and focusing on His worthiness. In fact, think of worship as a focus on God’s “worth-ship.”

    I have found Psalm 145 particularly effective for teaching young believers how to pray through Scripture. Read each verse aloud, then paraphrase it and personalize it in a prayer back to God. For example, Psalm 145:8 reads: “The Lord is gracious and compassionate; Slow to anger and great in mercy” (NASB). Pray that back to God by personalizing it: “Lord, You are gracious and compassionate. Thank You for being slow to anger and great in mercy when it comes to Your love toward me. I know I can bring anything to You.”

    By personalizing the Word to your life and situations, keeping God’s attributes and the truth of Who He is intact in your prayer, you are applying Scripture to your everyday life. That is what it means to pray Scripture over your situation and to use it as a weapon in spiritual attack.

    5. Remember Who has the power and authority.

    If you learned in Sunday School or believe today that God and Satan are equals, that is a lie. Satan is a created being, a fallen angel, one who is still subject to God’s authority and judgment. Satan’s attacks are nothing compared to the Almighty omnipotent everlasting God who was not created but created all things. The battle – and any battle of yours – truly belongs to the Lord (Proverbs 21:31). First John 4:4 tells us greater is He who is in you (Christ Jesus), than he who is in the world (Satan and his minions). Romans 8:31 asks the rhetorical question: “If God is for us, who can be against us?” Those verses build our faith in the One who has absolute power and authority.

    Spiritual attacks often come when we are already feeling defeated — or when we believe we could never be defeated. Guard yourself against pride and a belief that you are above attack by reminding yourself of God’s authority and ability, not your own. Humble yourself before the Lord (James 4:10) and depend on His power to get you through.

    According to Ephesians 1:20-23, God raised Jesus from the dead and “seated him at his right hand in the heavenly places, far above all rule and authority and power and dominion, and above every name that is named, not only in this age but also in the one to come. And he put all things under his feet and gave him as head over all things to the church, which is his body, the fullness of him who fills all in all.” Jesus, Himself said in Matthew 28:18: “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me.” Praise Him for that authority, call upon Him and His authority, and realize the authority you have, in Him, as believers. When you worship and remember Christ’s authority, you are also reminding yourself and Satan of Satan’s imminent defeat.

    For more on abiding in Christ so you can withstand spiritual attack, see Cindi’s books, Women on the Edge and When a Woman Overcomes Life’s Hurts.

    For further reading, see 8 Ways Praise Delivers You from Evil.

    Photo Credit: ©iStock/Getty Images Plus/Sakorn Sukkasemsakorn 

    Cindi McMenamin is a national speaker, Bible teacher, and award-winning writer who helps women and couples strengthen their relationship with God and others. She is also a mother, pastor’s wife, and author of 17 books, including When Women Walk Alone (more than 150,000 copies sold), When God Sees Your Tears, When a Woman Overcomes Life’s Hurts, and When Couples Walk Together:31 Days to a Closer Connection, which she co-authored with her husband of 35 years. For more on her speaking ministry, coaching services for writers, and books to strengthen your soul, marriage, and parenting, see her website: www.StrengthForTheSoul.com. 

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  • 5 Subtle Signs Your Friend Is a Narcissist

    5 Subtle Signs Your Friend Is a Narcissist

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    Many of us have questioned whether or not a friend is a narcissist. Sadly, there are many narcissists in the world, and they will try to abuse your friendship. Rather than being a friend to you, they will put you down, manipulate you, and hurt you. It is not good to remain friends with a narcissist because they will continue to hurt you and abuse your kindness. 

    If you are wondering if your friend is a narcissist, here are five subtle signs to look out for:

    1. They View Themselves As “Better Than You”

    One subtle sign your friend is a narcissist is if they view themselves as better than you. This is very common among narcissists. By viewing themselves as better than you, they think they can walk all over you and abuse the kindness you have shown to them by being their friend. This is not how a friend is supposed to treat you. A friend is supposed to be caring, loving, and supportive.

    Narcissists view themselves as better than others because of their pride and false view of the outside world. They believe others are inferior to them and that other people (including their “friends”) are not as important as they are. If you have noticed your friend has been viewing themselves as better than you or has directly told you they are better than you, it’s time to step away from the friendship. Remaining friends with a narcissist will only cause more problems for you in the future. 

    2. They Aren’t There When You Need Them Most

    A second subtle sign your friend is a narcissist is if they aren’t there when you need them the most. Narcissists only stay around when something exciting is going on. They will not stick around when you are grieving, hurting, or going through a difficult time. Narcissists don’t stick around because they only think about themselves. They are not going to be thinking about you in your time of need. 

    If your friend isn’t there when you need them most, you won’t be able to rely on them. If they are only there for the good times, summer vacations, and parties, but not in the difficult times, you won’t be able to form the strong bond known as friendship. Friends who are not narcissists want to be there for you and won’t put you down during your difficult times. They will surround you with prayer, hope, and encouragement. 

    3. They Make You Feel Bad About Yourself

    A third subtle sign your friend is a narcissist is if they make you feel bad about yourself. If you have noticed your friend has been making you feel down about who you are, or where you are in life, it is best to take an honest, real look at your friendship to see what’s going on. Friends shouldn’t make each other feel bad about themselves. Narcissists will make you feel bad about yourself because they will always be putting you down and reminding you of how much “better” they are than you. It’s a subtle, cruel ego boost for them.

    If you are constantly feeling bad about yourself because of friends, it is probably because they are narcissists. While you should still be kind and friendly, you are under no obligation to remain in the friendship. The Lord doesn’t want you to surround yourself with people who will make you feel bad about yourself. Always putting yourself down can result in a negative self-image, depression, anxiety, or an eating disorder. It is best to step away from any and all friendships that cause you to feel bad about yourself. 

    Since we are all prone to be our own worst critics, we don’t need someone else to reinforce negative thoughts or views about ourselves. If a “friend” is making you feel bad about yourself or comparing who they are to who you are in a negative light, the best route to take is to step away from the friendship. If you are already struggling with anxiety, depression, or another mental illness, you must surround yourself with friends who encourage and uplift you. When you take the step to make new friends, ask God to guide you to these individuals and help you be a good friend in return. 

    4. They Never Feel Bad When They Hurt You

    A fourth subtle sign your friend is a narcissist is if they never feel bad when they hurt you. If your friend has recently hurt you and has shown zero signs of remorse, it is probably because he or she is a narcissist. Since the individual is a narcissist, he or she is not going to accept the fact that they hurt you. Instead, they might try to place the blame on you and gaslight you. Narcissists don’t have much of a bandwidth for sympathy. Therefore, they most likely won’t feel bad when they hurt you.

    You don’t deserve to be in a friendship with a narcissist. Rather, you deserve friends who uplift you, sit by your side in your grief, and stand up for you. You won’t find any of these qualities in a narcissist. Part of the friendship process will involve having to apologize for mistakes and working at fixing those mistakes. A narcissist will never make this effort and will instead try to act like they did nothing wrong. 

    This can be extremely taxing on your mental health because it can make you feel as though you are going crazy. If you know this “friend” has hurt you and tries to make it out to be that nothing happened, they are gaslighting you. You have the choice to step away and remove yourself from the situation. As long as this friend isn’t a roommate, you should be able to properly distance yourself from this individual. If this individual is a roommate, it would be a good time to look into new places to stay. 

    5. You Feel Exhausted and Drained After Spending Time with Them

    A fifth subtle sign your friend is a narcissist is if you feel exhausted and drained after spending time with them. If you are spending time with someone who makes you feel good about yourself, you will go home feeling great, loved, and recharged. However, if you go home feeling exhausted and drained, you might be dealing with a narcissist. Narcissists drain the energy out of others because they normally make you feel uncomfortable, invalidate your feelings, and can even make you feel crazy at times (gaslighting).

    If you have noticed you are feeling exhausted and drained after spending time with a friend, try to see the reason why. Was the person making you feel bad about yourself, putting you down, or insulting you? If so, it would be best to distance yourself from the person. Sadly with narcissists, they might not even notice you distancing yourself and will move on to other friends. Don’t let this get you down because there are always new friends you can make who won’t be narcissists. 

    Even if you invested a long time in a friendship with a narcissist, know that it is okay to let this person go. You can mourn the friendship, but you also have to remember all the times you were hurt by them. You can experience healing and growth in the future by making new friends. Some great places to meet friends are church, a Bible study, college, or work. There are many great people out there who need a friend just like you. 

    Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/Wavebreakmedia

    Vivian Bricker loves Jesus, studying the Word of God, and helping others in their walk with Christ. She has earned a Bachelor of Arts and Master’s degree in Christian Ministry with a deep academic emphasis in theology. Her favorite things to do are spending time with her family and friends, reading, and spending time outside. When she is not writing, she is embarking on other adventures.

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  • Dear Military Wife, You’re Not Alone

    Dear Military Wife, You’re Not Alone

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    To the military wife and ones who love, support, and desire to encourage her, this one’s for you.

    Life’s not always a bowl of juicy peaches, sweet cherries, or fresh tree-ripened mangoes. Sure, our tenure includes bright sunny seasons sugared with laughter, joy, and good times. But dotted among those experiences and memories simmers a topic many wives refuse to discuss.

    Quiet as the sea mist, though, we bare it and trudge on. Because tradition assumes we should.

    A notion ripples through the military community and civilian world alike. Military wives are a strong batch. Don’t mess with ‘em.

    With a branding of pride, we military wives carry the weight of the world while twirling a dozen virtual dishes. Not a single one falls. Our fix-it know-how seemingly flows better than Bob Vila’s, and if anyone faced Chuck Norris toe-to-toe, it’d be the military spouse. So it seems with this well-touted notion that military wives are be-all, do-all kinds of women. They hold the world together, sewing torn seams on a moment’s need and never, ever, EVER fall apart. 

    Because that’s what military wives do. 

    Or is it?

    We feel pressured to stand strong one hundred percent of the time, never faltering or allowing weakness to see the crack of day, let alone shine brightly for all to see.

    Because that’s what’s expected. But by whom?

    Are we falling prey to those thoughts? Is it the enemy’s ploy in this unseen battle for the heart, bending us toward self-sufficiency, shame, or pride when, in truth, weakness, holy confidence, and an overwhelming need for an Almighty God trump all else?

    Military wife, you’re not alone.

    Don’t fall prey to the notion. It’s okay to wobble with weak knees, to raise a hand for help, to showcase those vulnerabilities stuffed for far too long.

    Because when we are weak, He is strong.

    You’re not alone. Trust this. Our Father abandons not His loved ones.

    Military wives experience heavy feelings at times. The worn and torn, I’m-ready-to-fall-apart, I-can’t-do-it chorus sounding on replay can nearly do us in. However, tuning into to the truth, we find hope.

    We’re not alone. God is with us.

    It’s okay to allow our weaknesses and imperfections the light of day, because often then we see the power and work of God.

    I came to my realization of this after a rough journey.

    In 2006, my husband deployed. Again. We were building a house in the North Carolina countryside on some acreage—the slower-paced, rural life we’d longed to offer our three children was morphing into reality. The house was to be completed before my husband shipped out. Instead, we faced multiple construction delays, leaving me to sell our existing home, close on the new house, and move with three youngsters in tow. Tagging along was a long punch list of items headlined by mineral issues in the water, which left me stumped. It brought a rise of frustration I found difficult to shake, and I spiraled downward.

    To add to this list of issues, my husband and I felt guided by the Lord to homeschool our children—all this around the time he deployed. My selfish bent pined for those quiet moments while the oldest was at school. Erase that with homeschooling. What about “me” time? After all, I’d be the pseudo-single parent.

    I focused on the negatives versus the wonderful opportunity we faced. Negative self-talk became the norm.

    Other wives could handle this. Why couldn’t I?

    Why did I react like a deer in the headlights whenever fresh problems arose?

    Would history pen me as the world’s only weak military wife?

    A declaration of godly obedience somehow surfaced, though. By golly, I’d obey God no matter what it took. Buckle up. Pull up the bootstraps. I was a military wife. Pride and self-sufficiency took the wheel. Again.

    And so I trudged forward with hubby half a world away, punch list in hand, and kids at my heels.

    I refused to ask for help or share about my struggle. In all honesty, knowing how to do either was part of the problem. 

    And the spiral continued.

    A few friends and a long-distance relative expressed concern. I held them at bay. Shouldn’t I be able to handle daily life? Others did. I determined to hold the world together in my husband’s absence—whatever the cost.

    So I continued forward, until one night, the weight proved heavier than typical. I stood beside my bed and considered ending it all. Loneliness kept me company. Desperation and exhaustion, too. I needed a way out from under the heaviness, and life seemed to offer no other options.

    The lie touted its goods. Shame heaped on top of it because any “good” Christian wouldn’t teeter like I was. Surely.

    The enemy wove those thoughts, threading a mindset that he could kill, steal, or destroy. After all, that’s Satan’s ploy. As children of God, we’re to be on call against this deception—to resist it, flee, and stand firm on the foundation of Jesus Christ. And sometimes, as Aaron and Hur did with Moses as Joshua battled, then defeated the Amalekites (Exodus 17), we need fellow arm-holders. Others. People. And the God who strengthens us to win spiritual battles.

    That night, I curled up in bed and continued until the deployment ended. I’m grateful to God.

    I never sought outside help but should have. Over several months, and with wisdom from Above, healing came. We moved out of the Carolina house and headed to Joint Base Pearl Harbor Hickam in Hawaii. There, through a conversation with a fellow Navy wife, I realized the truth. Other spouses struggle, too.

    I realized I wasn’t broken or weak after all. And most definitely not alone. 

    These women battle against emotional lows, feelings of overwhelm and weakness, exhaustion, and even the “d” word: depression. It happens, and it’s okay to not have it all together—to need and ask for help.

    Because when we are weak, then He is strong. And God’s strength causes mankind’s to pale. Under His wings, friend, we rest in safety. We’re wise to run to Him.

    A few practical tips include searching for a local friend or two. Try church, small cell groups, moms or military organizations, or in the neighborhood. With wisdom, doors open to share about daily life with authenticity and transparency. Prayer helps, too, as does digging into God’s word. So does bartering with a trusted friend for babysitting services and pushing ourselves to take that step and ask for help. 

    For those who love and want to see military spouses succeed, offer help regularly, and put action to words. Don’t wait, simply bring that meal. Listen. Help put up the Christmas tree or offer to watch the kids during doctor appointments or grocery runs. Mow the yard. Invite them to your dinner table, and don’t be afraid to share, because real friends challenge us and whisper the hard truths when others won’t.

    National Military Appreciation Month and Mental Health Awareness Month occur in May. Military Spouse Appreciation Day is observed on the 12th as well. So when that day rolls around and for the remaining three-hundred-sixty-four days each year, know that you are appreciated, military wife. Dearly.

    God sees you, and He is near. Friends, too.

    Be strong in His mighty power, and carry on, beautiful one. Because of Christ, you’ve got this—even if some pieces fall along the way.

    “‘Behold, I am with you always, even to the end of the age.’” Amen. (Matthew 28:20 WEB)

    With gratitude to the King of Kings, 

    Kristi

    Photo Credit: ©Pexels/Wyatt

    Kristi Woods is a writer, podcaster, and speaker—but mostly a Jesus girl. She offers a free 30-Day Psalms Bible reading plan, Bible studies, prayers, and other faith-building tools for a deeper walk with God at www.KristiWoods.net. You’ll also find her new podcast, Intentional Living with Kristi Woods at LifeAudio.com.  Kristi, her handsome, retired-from-the-Navy husband, and their three children survived a nomadic, military lifestyle and have set roots in Oklahoma—where she keeps a close watch for tornadoes and good chocolate.

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  • Is Ephesians 4:26 Perfect Marriage Advice?

    Is Ephesians 4:26 Perfect Marriage Advice?

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    A common bridal shower activity is to offer advice to the soon-to-be-wife on how to make this marriage work for a lifetime. A popular piece of advice is to ‘not go to bed angry with one another.” This idea actually comes from the Bible!

    Ephesians 4:26 says, “In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.” This section of Scripture is a list giving the early believers instructions for Christian Living. The verses also highlight the need to be honest, not steal, work hard, avoid unwholesome talk, avoid anger, be kind, show compassion, and offer forgiveness. This is a beautiful list that helps us understand the Christian life that Jesus desires us to pursue. These words also offer wonderful advice on how to be a loving spouse. Anger, dishonesty, unkind words, rage, unforgiveness, and a lack of empathy all have the power to destroy our relationships. We need the power of the Holy Spirit at work in our life to live this way!

    Is it okay then to wait until morning to work through your anger when conflict arises in your marriage?

    I am married to a man who has many times expressed that if he gets heated in a conversation, it is best if we table it and revisit this at a later date. As the big feeler in our home, I have trouble stepping away from conflict. Throughout our marriage, we have had to compromise in how we agree to handle fights, and this is still very much a work-in-progress for us.

    Here are a few ideas on how to manage marriage conflict biblically:

    1. Agree to Take a Time-out From the Argument

    Sometimes you find yourself in a very heated dispute, and there can feel like there is no way out of this tense conversation. This can lead to conflict escalation and often does not lead to a good place. Yet, I have found that as the one who wants to hash things out, I need to know that we will take up the subject again and not just brush it off because it feels too hard to address.

    A good way to de-escalate a conversation that has gotten your blood boiling is to choose together to table the topic until an agreed-upon time that you will revisit the conversation. Stepping back can give you a chance to control your emotions better. Once you have hit that fight-or-flight stress response in a situation, logic is no longer heard, and emotions are all that are ruling the interaction.

    A few tips to make sure this strategy is utilized in a helpful way include:

    Decide ahead of time that time-outs are okay. Don’t wait until you are in the middle of an argument to say I need a break. Stepping away during a fight without communicating this can feel like avoidance/abandonment and can make things worse.

    Communicate that you need a time-out. If you find yourself getting upset, choose a way that works for you to calmly state you need a break. Do not storm off.

    Make time-outs short. To the point from Ephesians that we should not let the sun go down on our anger, we should not let these arguments drag on without resolving the issue. Our relationships are the most valuable thing we have in this life, and making sure we are living in unity with one another should be a top priority.

    Take time to calm yourself down and come up with a new approach. Don’t use this time to fester on all the ways your spouse is wrong but take advantage of this break in the conversation to calm your mind and body so you can get back on the same page as your partner.

    Return to the conversation and resolve the conflict. When you come back to the conversation, calmly talk through the issue at hand. Remember that you are on the same team. Conflict is not the goal but working together to find a reasonable resolution is in the best interest of your marriage.

    2. Focus on Improving Your Communication Skills

    Cultivating positive communication skills in your marriage looks a lot like working to live out the fruits of the spirit. We have to practice these skills every day before conflict arises, so we are better able to de-escalate fights when they break out. Some useful phrases that can help you better express yourself in order to help diffuse tense conversations include using “I feel” statements, “I need to calm down” statements, “I am sorry” statements, and “I appreciate” statements.

    When we make sure we are using “I” rather than “you” in a tough moment, it helps us avoid placing blame on our partner when we are trying to communicate about a situation that we are feeling concerned about. Blame statements and words like “always” or “never” can very quickly add flame to the fire.

    Conflict is inevitable when merging the lives of two imperfect people, but being prepared for the best way to speak to one another when these situations arise can help us avoid allowing anger and bitterness to grow in our marriages. When we allow anger to grow, we give the Devil a foothold to slowly tear apart our homes.

    3. Work to Empathize with Your Spouse

    Conflict happens when we feel attacked by our partners. Our anger grows because we feel threatened, hurt, or unseen by our partners. Empathy helps us selflessly set aside our own feelings for a moment to hear and see the position of our husbands or wives. When you feel your blood pressure starting to rise because of something your partner has said or done, take a deep breath and pause to visualize how they must be feeling in that moment.

    What is it that they truly are trying to say to you? Is their snippy tone due to them being stressed or exhausted? Can you respond by asking them how they are doing rather than responding in kind? Empathy helps us see past our own feelings of hurt and into what the issue really is at that moment.

    I know from personal experience that there has been almost nothing my husband and I have fought about that was worth being so very angry about. These terrible fights have really resulted from exhaustion, worry, stress, anxiety, disconnection, or carelessness. If one of us had the ability to see the other in these moments, these huge fights could have been resolved. If one of us had been willing to lay down our right to be offended and ask about how the other was doing, the fight would have never happened. We are working hard on this, but fifteen years in our pride seems to continue to make living in unity hard.

    We can apply Ephesians 4 to our marriages in one crucial way; we should never let anger and bitterness grow in our hearts toward one another. If you decide to make up before bed or talk it out first thing in the morning, what matters most is that you don’t let moments of anger and conflict steal all the joy and connection from our union. The unity that is supposed to define our marriage relationships cannot thrive when anger, unforgiveness, unkindness, dishonesty, and unrighteous living go unchecked in our lives. Christian living and the gracious power of the Holy Spirit at work in our lives is what it takes to make a marriage work.

    Related articles:

    How to Have Conflict in Your Marriage without the Combat

    Why the Bible Says to Never Go to Bed Angry

    8 Ways to Communicate More Effectively in Your Marriage

    Photo credit: ©GettyImages/PeopleImages

    Amanda Idleman is a writer whose passion is to encourage others to live joyfully. She writes devotions for My Daily Bible Verse Devotional and Podcast, Crosswalk Couples Devotional, the Daily Devotional App, she has work published with Her View from Home, on the MOPS Blog, and is a regular contributor for Crosswalk.com. She has most recently published a devotional, Comfort: A 30 Day Devotional Exploring God’s Heart of Love for Mommas. You can find out more about Amanda on her Facebook Page or follow her on Instagram.

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  • 4 Reasons Why We Have a Hard Time Talking about Loneliness

    4 Reasons Why We Have a Hard Time Talking about Loneliness

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    In society, we are bombarded by media as well as social media. We live in a world that’s more connected than ever. Yet so many people are lonelier than ever. This is especially true for people within the church.

    Although we may feel like we’re really connected to people, the reality is we have people in our lives that know the least about us. We go to church on Sunday, grab a cup of coffee, worship the Lord, and then leave without anyone even saying hello or wanting to know more about us.

    This contributes to a superficial level of communication that we think solves the problem of loneliness. Not only that, but people often don’t want to talk about loneliness as Christians because they feel if they do, they’re not connected to God, or they’ll be judged in some way.

    We all experience loneliness from time to time. Jesus himself went to lonely places to pray. Loneliness can be a good thing if we take the time to be alone to examine our thoughts and analyze behaviors.

    However, people often put on a fake smile when in church or at work. It’s difficult to tell people that we’re lonely. Here are some reasons why people don’t like to talk about loneliness.

    1. We Believe Something Is Wrong with Us

    As a pastor’s wife, I often get ostracized in my local church. It is difficult for me to achieve intimacy with people in the congregation.

    Because people think they can’t be real in front of me because I might tell my husband what we discuss, it only increases the amount of loneliness and the desperate need for affection in the community.

    You may feel because you don’t have friends or connect with people often, people will think and believe there’s something wrong with you. God created community for a reason.

    Communities afford us fellowship with one another. You can’t have community without isolation. Yet it is important for us to be alone so God can speak to us.

    2. We Don’t Want Pity

    Once we start talking about how lonely we are to others, people feel like they must meet up with us out of guilt.

    People don’t want to feel lonely because they feel like they’re being punished or their personality is too hard to deal with. Yet God created us all individually with a purpose and a plan.

    God speaks through prophetic visions and dreams, but if we’re not alone long enough to hear from him, we can’t achieve deeper intimacy with God.

    People often want to avoid loneliness by turning on a television or music just to take away the fact that they have no one around them.

    Loneliness can come in a couple of forms: we can feel lonely because no one knows us, or we feel lonely even with a crowd of people around us. Either way, you can use that loneliness to your advantage and take time to be with God.

    3. We Don’t Want to Be Vulnerable

    People don’t like to talk about loneliness because they must deal with issues buried deep in the soul. People don’t like talking about loneliness because it seems like a bad thing. But loneliness isn’t always bad. Here are some ways loneliness is a good thing.

    First, it gives us a deeper relationship with the Savior. Although God can speak in any capacity he wishes, it is more difficult when we are surrounded by other technologies that don’t allow the Lord to speak.

    By being alone, I can read the Word in more depth and ask God to share his deep thoughts with me. But I can’t do that if I’m with people constantly.

    Second, it allows me to pray. Scripture says we should “pray without ceasing.” This means praying continuously throughout the day. But this is hard to accomplish at work or at home with their families.

    If Jesus found it appropriate to get up early, go to lonely places, and pray, then we should too. We should begin every day with this time of silence and aloneness, ready to hear from God and pray we give over to him every need and desire we have.

    Third, when we are lonely, it gives us an opportunity to commune with God through his Word.  When we are lonely, the first thing we should grab is the Bible. If we grab for other things, such as music, television, or food or drink, we need to analyze why we’re doing it.

    Loneliness is there for a reason. We need to make new friends and commune with people whom we trust. The lonelier we are, the more untrusting we become. We become untrustworthy individuals when we are alone for long periods of time.

    When we’re going about our day, it is easy to think we don’t need anyone. This creates independence when we should be in community. Analyze your church and see if there are people who are in similar situations, backgrounds, or ages as you.

    Strive to increase your fellowship this year by participating in events or simply exercise your gift to hospitality by having people over your home. Some of the best moments I’ve communed with God were not in the Sunday church service but rather having people over at my home.

    The ability to become vulnerable eradicates superficiality when we are at home. This will help you not feel lonely but realize that people accept you as you are.

    4. We Fear Rejection

    Loneliness can make us feel rejected and unaccepted. Some of people’s deepest needs of acceptance and approval from others. Although we are to run to God with our needs, fellowship does have its place.

    When we are being encouraged by our local church brothers and sisters, we get rid of loneliness and embrace community. As you meet with people regularly, you will find any critical spirit you may have made all but dissipate.

    Loneliness can be difficult at times. But there’s hope. By sharing fellowship with people and engaging in real fellowship, you will experience acceptance and approval like never before. We all need people to hold their hands up when we are struggling.

    That is part of the whole community in your life. When we are absent from that community, we experience loneliness. Holiness is also a lure for the enemy to speak lies into our lives. If gone unchecked, those lies can become what we believe.

    When we exchange the Word of God for a lie, we don’t experience an interdependent life in Christ. If we can learn to be in fellowship and accept people as they are, we can speak into their lives when they’re struggling.

    We were never meant to do life on our own. Throughout Scripture, we see disciples going out two by two. Adam had Eve and there are many other examples of people who were never alone on their journey. Above all, you know that God has not left you. He’s there more than you realize.

    Loneliness can be the catalyst for us to experience true community as we become more vulnerable and allow others to accept us as we are. When we do, we experience an intimate relationship with God like never before.

    For further reading:

    What Does the Bible Say about Loneliness?

    hristianity.com/wiki/god/can-god-help-us-in-our-loneliness.html”>Can God Help Us in Our Loneliness?

    How Does the Bible Help with My Loneliness?

    5 Ways to Overcome Loneliness in Your Marriage

    Photo Credit: ©iStock/Getty Images Plus/martin-dm

    Michelle S. Lazurek is a multi-genre award-winning author, speaker, pastor’s wife, and mother. She is a literary agent for Wordwise Media Services and a certified writing coach. Her new children’s book Who God Wants Me to Be encourages girls to discover God’s plan for their careers. When not working, she enjoys sipping a Starbucks latte, collecting 80s memorabilia, and spending time with her family and her crazy dog. For more info, please visit her website www.michellelazurek.com.

    This article originally appeared on Christianity.com. For more faith-building resources, visit

    Christianity.com. Christianity.com

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  • 8 Ways You Are Belittling Your Husband and What God Says about It

    8 Ways You Are Belittling Your Husband and What God Says about It

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    It is no leap to say Christians have been affected by the ripples of the re-definition of gender and their roles. Just because we maintain Genesis 1:27 that God created male and female, does not mean that we have fully guarded against some other ideologies this overarching campaign is pushing, specifically, how wives relate to their husbands.

    That Hideous Strength is C.S. Lewis’s third installment in his “Space Trilogy.” We meet Jane and Mark Studdock, a young, unhappily married couple. She is a housewife, lonely and desperate for some other meaning. She is desolate, partly because Mark’s chief concern is to gain as much social standing at his college as he can, reaching the “inner circle” of influence.

    Jane realizes she is just playing a social role in his life rather than serving as a teammate. They find themselves on opposite sides of the great battle in the end: Mark working for N.I.C.E. and Jane following Dr. Ransom, Merlin, and their motley crew, combatting one another for control over the physical world. In other words, their love has grown cold as they only weigh and make meaning of themselves independently from the other.

    The book has many social and spiritual commentaries on marriage (especially when you pit the Studdocks against the Dimbles, an older married couple who are faithful to one another by not taking this life too seriously), but I want to zoom in on one enlightening moment for Jane.

    In her time spent with the likes of Dr. Ransom, the Dimbles, the Director, and others, she overheard them talking about matters of religion. In hopes that she would soon find a solution to her problem with Mark and her loneliness, she leans into this conversation, for even she knows that religion is of a higher order because it has the ability to govern and rule man, bringing order to her feelings of captivity.

    “…’religion’ ought to mean a realm in which her haunting female fear of being treated as a thing, an object of barter and desire and possession, would be set permanently at rest and what she called her “true self” would soar upwards. [But they] never talked about religion… they talked about God… rather of strong, skillful hands thrust down to make, and mend, and perhaps destroy. Supposing one were a thing after all—a thing designed and invented by Someone Else and valued for qualities quite different from what one had decided to regard as one’s true self?”

    It makes sense to follow that line of thinking from Jane: breaking down something like a fear, paradigm, or even out from under a stereotype would leave her feeling a bit drab. Victorious, yes. But work like that is exhausting, especially for Jane, who is on a quest to “free herself.” She has, no doubt, looked to many avenues to bring relief to feeling owned and bartered. It’s not until this new company of hers inadvertently directs her attention upward that her interest is fully piqued.

    It is also logical to track the ideation that if you feel oppressed, you need to work as hard as possible to un-oppress yourself. Because if you feel anything featureless or unsavory, you are no longer within the bounds of your true self. You must rise from that.

    And this is where many wives can quickly find themselves, but maybe in a much more subtle way. I would venture to say that getting married and bearing children is a part of most people’s thought trajectory when planning their lives. I would continue that venture to include that not many “count the cost” of marriage and family. Where that can quickly leave a woman is to convince herself that her true self is gone, leaving a piddly shell of a servant in its place.

    I do not think that what follows is, “I have lost my true self; therefore, I must now abuse my marriage by depreciating my husband.” In fact, it’s not nearly as well-thought-out as that. The drifting that occurs when we are not in perpetual union with Christ (Hebrews 2) has ripple effects like wandering from our role as wife, helper, encourager, and teammate. Drifting is sneaky and brutally subtle. In the same way we search our hearts for idols so we do not transgress the first and second commandments, we must also survey our attitudes towards our callings in the home, starting with our covenant relationship.

    Submit in Everything

    Before I discuss ways that wives disparage their husbands (either accidentally or intentionally), you must remember two basic truths about God’s standard for marriage; furthermore, wives have to work hard to acclimate their tastes and desires toward just that.

    First, marriage is a covenant recognized by God.

    Mark 10:7–9 says, “‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.”

    It is easy to forget the importance of words when we are living in a way that we say whatever is on our minds. When you said your vows in front of witnesses on your (I’m certain, beautiful) wedding day, I hope the covenant aspect spoken through words was more thought out than the gown, flowers, and honeymoon. On that day, your marriage became your most important earthly relationship.

    Second, Ephesians 5:22–24: “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.”

    I have zero interest in arguing over the definition of “submission” here—it comes down to the fact that we must align ourselves with Scripture. We can give God a 1-star review all we want, but the energy from our word-dodging will not affect God’s economy in any way.

    I would like to focus on the last part of verse 24, where Scripture says “in everything.” Wives, this means no part of your life should go untouched by your husband: clothes, thoughts, diet, child rearing, entertainment, friendships, vocation, intimacy. Everything means the whole enterprise, and God is very clear about that.

    How a Wife Can Belittle Her Husband:

    Not respecting your husband has so many manifestations. Bottom line, it is any choice or behavior that aims to put yourself before your husband. Here are just a few ideas (with very little commentary) of how this plays out in our day:

    1. Talking about him and your marriage to anyone he has not explicitly approved. 

    Ladies Night Out is dangerous for this very reason—husband bashing. Of course, women will understand you better than your own husband, but being understood is not what is set out before us. Holiness is.

    2. Asking for counsel about anything in your life from anyone else besides first taking it to him (that includes Facebook!). 

    We are to submit to our husbands in everything, which helps clarify the question, “Should I really bother him about _____?” You will be surprised at how beautifully simple a husband can decide from our often-muddy waters of overthinking.

    3. Seeking attention and worth from anything you are involved in (again—that includes social media!). 

    Your meaning is from your union in Christ and not your husband, either. However, it is easy to find yourself like Jane in wanting to find your “true selves”—confess this to your husband and ask for guidance.

    4. Neglecting to directly point out why you respect him or directing your kids to do so.

    A social media sentiment should not be your first avenue for honoring him.

    5. Not practicing hospitality with him first. 

    Wives, please don’t save the best dishes, fluffiest hand towels, sweetest energy, and best late-night conversation for your friends and neighbors.

    6. Focusing on something he thinks isn’t worth you or your time. 

    Give your husband the rundown of what consumes your thoughts: losing weight, going back to college, enrolling your kids in school, taking a dance class, baking bread, adopting a child, painting the house. Ask him what you should lay down and what you should pursue, and then walk joyfully in that. This also includes that “nagging wife” from Proverbs 21—if it’s not something your husband wants the family to work toward, then let it be.

    7. Stealing away leadership. 

    Sometimes a wife can have her mind made up about how something will go before she even consults her husband about it. It does not matter if she knows the children and their needs more instinctively than he does; the husband is the head of the family, and the wife belittles him when she assumes that role.

    8. General discontentment. 

    Managing a home (Titus 2) is hard work because it is never truly done. Beautiful, chubby little faces with sticky hands will certainly undo almost everything a wife has just done. Clothes will always need to be washed. People will always need to eat. Dogs who aren’t supposed to shed will undoubtedly always shed. White clothes lose their luster, something always needs to be fixed, and who really wants to spend time cleaning out the produce drawer? The hardest part about our work is maintaining a content and joyful attitude. It is one of the most respectful things we can do for our husbands.

    Bringing it All Home

    In Matthew 12:25, Jesus says, “Every kingdom divided against itself is laid waste, and no city or house divided against itself will stand.” Since man and wife become one flesh in marriage, any time a wife demeans her husband, she is attempting to divide that one flesh. A marriage that is laid waste cannot reflect Christ and the Church.

    Because that’s what all this is about—going back to Ephesians 5, that Christ is the head of the church like the husband is the head of the wife. We submit to our husbands as to the Lord. This is an immense gift because we have a tangible, daily reminder of this posture that our good God requires of all Christians. After all, submission demands humility.

    God never tells us not to be great, but he gives us directions on how to get there: “Whoever exalts himself will be humbled, and whoever humbles himself will be exalted” (Matthew 23:12). That is what Jane was truly after. Her “true self” would never manifest by exalting herself, for there was simply nowhere for her to rise. 

    Finally, the Director tidies it up for Jane regarding her marriage and ultimately for her Christian life: “They would say,” he answered, “that you do not fail in obedience through lack of love, but have lost love because you never attempted obedience.”

    Photo credit: ©Getty Images/Vadym Pastukh

    Kate Stevens is a worshiper, wife, and mom, and with the help of the Lord, that is her hierarchy of work. Beyond this, she works with the youth and children at her church and edits as a freelancer. She enjoys reading, writing, running, cooking, and practicing thinking pure and lovely things. 

    After being unsure if they ever wanted children, the Lord eventually blessed Kate and her husband Clint after nearly three years of waiting. They welcomed their first daughter in 2011, another daughter in 2013, and yet another daughter in 2016. Kate considers this her most time-consuming, emotion-full, sanctifying, not always pretty but trusting in the Lord’s plan, and blessed work. Stuck in a house with four females, her husband Clint consistently reminds Kate of her identity and union in Christ. 

    You can read more of Kate’s work here.

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  • Why Are We to Weep for Those Who Weep?

    Why Are We to Weep for Those Who Weep?

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    In just a few days, it will have been a year since my mom slipped away from this world and entered the arms of Jesus. Easter was the last holiday we celebrated.

    I remember it like it was yesterday. Our family all sat in the living room joking and laughing about who knows what, recalling the good ‘ole times.

    But, while I have no recollection of our conversation, I do remember sitting right next to my mom, placing a hand on her knee a few times, like I always do as I share stories. It’s my go-to tendency. And her smile. Her radiant smile as I went on and on, story after story, and she just listened.

    I miss that.

    The days after came with some pretty harsh realities. We are never fully prepared for the loss of a loved one, especially one that was loved so very dearly.

    The echoing sounds of hospital beeps and doctors dosing out the unthinkable diagnosis replayed in my mind for weeks, causing me to slip into a state I had never been in before.

    I can still remember watching my dad (who is the calmest and most sincere man you will ever meet) break down, hitting the side of the hospital wall with his fist, wailing in a way I had never heard.

    After the whirlwind of services and standing before a bunch of family and friends to deliver a speech about my mom that I somehow managed to get through without too many tears, I had moments in which I sat alone and cried until I had no tears left.

    Pain does that. Greif can trigger all sorts of emotions. I tell you this story because after about a week of my precious mom being gone, I had a dear friend not only bring over dinner but sit with me. She didn’t really talk, but rather listened — intently. Then she did something that moved me beyond words. She wept with me!

    I never told her how much that meant to me. The notion of her recognizing my sorrow and grief meant more to me than she will probably ever know.

    As one that has experienced grief a few times on this journey, I have begun to learn and understand to an extent, the impact we can have on others when they undergo turmoil and pain. It’s in these times that we can be the hands and feet of Jesus (Matthew 18:8).

    Jesus Is Our Example

    Maybe the sound of weeping with others makes you feel a tad bit uncomfortable. I can understand that, but as believers, we are actually commanded to be humble servants of the Lord.

    Let’s dive into Romans and take a look at what that actually looks like. The entire Book of Romans is chockful of wisdom, given to us in Paul’s letters, touching greatly upon God’s grace and salvation.

    Since the human heart and mind naturally bends towards sin and can easily get swayed by the things of this world, God gave us a redemption plan with Jesus.

    Jesus came to live a human life as an example for us. Jesus shows us how to love others, not just with words or simple actions, but to love with selfless sacrifice.

    Romans 12:9 tells us that love is sincere. We are called to love one another as brothers and sisters in Christ, honoring one another higher than ourselves (Romans 12:10). We are to be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer, and practice hospitality (Romans 12:12-13).

    Love is an act of selflessness. Loving like Jesus calls us to a place of surrendering ourselves to someone else’s needs, doing so with gentleness, kindness, compassion, and mercy. Romans 12:15 calls us to take it a step further and to weep for those who weep.

    What Does Weeping Really Mean?

    Weeping for those who are mourning or in sorrow is to simply have mercy and show empathy. In other words, it is to share in one’s painful experience, acknowledging what they are going through by matching their emotion.

    While we may not be moved to physical tears, it invites us to serve those in pain by being led and moved by the Holy Spirit (Galatians 5:22). It gives us the opportunity to love mercifully and carry their burden, bringing us to a place where we not only recognize their sorrow but feel it as well.

    There are several instances in which Jesus wept. While we portray Jesus in many lights, from bold like a lion to meek and gentle as a lamb, Jesus was a man that suffered grief and deep loss. Jesus knew about sorrow and mourning and modeled for us how to comfort those who are hurting.

    Jesus wept when He heard of His friend Lazarus and was met by Mary, who fell at His feet in pure anguish. It is said that when Jesus saw Mary weeping that it moved Him deeply and troubled Him (John 11:33).

    Jesus also wept over the town of Jerusalem during His triumphal entry, riding on a lowly donkey, all the while knowing His fate. Yet He wept not for Himself, but for this city.

    As the people lowered their palm branches and proclaimed, “Blessed is the king who comes in the name of the Lord” (Luke 19: 38), Jesus saw a crowd of people that were lost and in search of peace (Luke 19:42).

    Jesus also wept in prayer and supplication. We see Him do this in Hebrews 5:7. Jesus offers up prayers for the people, just as high priests did at this time. Jesus is showing His human nature and ways we, too, can step into the role of tenderness for those that need comfort.

    We Are Called to Weep Like Jesus

    Jesus sets the tone for us in the way we can gently love others who are weary and gripped by tears.

    1. Tap into your tender side. It can feel somewhat awkward and uncomfortable witnessing someone who is weeping, maybe even causing us to retreat, but Jesus’ actions remind us that compassion is not only needed but expected of us as believers.

    Showing compassion can be as simple as listening or extending a hug. These actions show that you are troubled and saddened by their state. This also acknowledges their pain, helping them feel seen instead of bringing them more pain by feeling forgotten.

    2. Notice the non-verbal cues. Many times, it is the internal weeping that we fail to recognize. If you recognize that a person is acting differently or seems withdrawn, seek God’s wisdom on how to reach out to them and check-in. Just a sweet text or call could mean so much. 

    3. Recognize the power of your prayers. When we reach out to God and ask for peace and comfort for those who are weeping, it does two things: recognizes God as the ultimate comforter and invites us to gain wisdom on how to love others better.

    So, pray for those that need comfort and ask God to bring them a source of everlasting hope and timely healing.

    A Closing Prayer

    Lord, we humble ourselves before You, seeking Your love and forgiveness where we fail to love others the way You have so graciously shown us. Please soften our hearts and help us learn what it means to truly weep with those who weep and follow Your beautiful example. Help us gently walk beside those in deep pain and show compassion with our actions. Amen.

    For further reading:

    https://www.christianity.com/wiki/bible/significance-of-jesus-wept-in-the-face-of-death.html”>What Is the Meaning and Significance of ‘Jesus Wept’?

    How Should Christians Respond to Dark Days?

    Does God Cry with Us?

    Photo Credit: ©iStock/Getty Images Plus/ Hispanolistic

    Alicia Searl is a devotional author, blogger, and speaker that is passionate about pouring out her heart and pointing ladies of all ages back to Jesus. She has an education background and master’s in literacy.  Her favorite people call her Mom, which is why much of her time is spent cheering them on at a softball game or dance class. She is married to her heartthrob (a tall, spiky-haired blond) who can whip up a mean latte. She sips that goodness while writing her heart on a page while her puppy licks her feet. Visit her website at aliciasearl.com and connect with her on Instagram and Facebook.

    This article originally appeared on Christianity.com. For more faith-building resources, visit

    Christianity.com. Christianity.com

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    Alicia Searl

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  • Keke Palmer Sheds Some Light For New Moms On The Truths About Snapback Culture

    Keke Palmer Sheds Some Light For New Moms On The Truths About Snapback Culture

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    Keke Palmer wants new moms to know some truths about snapback culture.

    The “Nope” star, who welcomed son Leodis with her boyfriend Darius Jackson in February, discussed the importance of new moms fighting the pressures to lose weight or to return to their pre-pregnancy bodies during an interview with People published on Wednesday.

    “The main thing I would say to any new mom is do what you can when you can, whatever it is that makes you feel good,” she said, adding that new moms should only follow a workout regimen if it makes them feel good.

    “If that’s not what you’re worried about, then don’t worry about it,” she said.

    Palmer later pointed out that often when celebrities immediately lose their baby weight or appear to snap back to their pre-pregnancy bodies, it’s largely due to the nature and cultural environment of their careers.

    “Anytime you see a celebrity doing a snap back or whatever like that, it’s part of the damn gig,” she said. ”A part of our jobs is to look good and to look the part. So don’t think it’s this thing where it’s like, ‘We doing it because we got it like that.’ No, the job is on the line.”

    She continued, “If we want the checks to get signed, we got to be what we got to be.”

    Keke Palmer photographed at the Four Seasons Hotel Los Angeles at Beverly Hills on January 13, 2023 in Los Angeles, California.

    Amy Sussman via Getty Images

    Other celebrities have spoken out against societal pressures to snap back after having a baby.

    Tia Mowry, who shares two children with her ex-husband Cory Hardrict, encouraged other moms to reject those expectations in an Instagram post in 2021.

    “Mamas, we can allow our bodies to just BE while we nourish them (and our little ones!) with good things, instead of buying into the snapback culture,” she wrote.

    Palmer announced the birth of her son with a slideshow of photos she posted on Instagram in February. The photos included shots of her and Jackson and sweet pictures of their newborn.

    Last month, the actor got candid about the challenges of parenthood and wrote in the caption of the post, “I ain’t gon’ lie, I’m gettin’ COOKED!”

    She then expressed her admiration for parents who are able to raise a child alone.

    “I just came on here to say,” she said, “if you are a single parent, pull out your cape.”

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  • 5 Acts of Love Necessary for a Strong and Lasting Marriage

    5 Acts of Love Necessary for a Strong and Lasting Marriage

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    Finding surprise places to hide them is part of the fun. Maybe yesterday wasn’t a very good day at work. A note that says, “Hope your day is better today,” could make all the difference. Put a small note with a heart on it expressing how thankful you are for them in her purse or his wallet. On her pillow or his bathroom sink, leave a little surprise to add to their collection. Don’t leave the children out of this.

    One night after dinner, we were lingering at the table. Our middle child was always complaining about her position in the family. All of a sudden, her dad and I began to argue about who loved her the most. You could see the surprise and joy on her face as she listened to our argument. Finally, everyone began to leave the table. But for that middle child, the rest of the night and beyond, she had a bigger smile on her face, especially when she was with us.

    Use candy as a special treat. A chocolate kiss can be attached to a note that reads, “Here’s a kiss for you.” A $100,000 bar could be attached to a note that reads, “You are worth more than $100,000 to me.”

    One of the most treasured things I found when cleaning out my parent’s house was a drawer filled with notes my dad had written my mother at some time during their marriage. It showed me the importance of writing notes and sharing fun little “thinking-of-you” gifts. Any item that says “I am thinking of you” is like gold to the recipient.

    Photo credit: ©shironosov

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    Linda Gilden

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  • 4 Things to Consider When Grieving Your Spiritual Mentor’s Death

    4 Things to Consider When Grieving Your Spiritual Mentor’s Death

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    The pastor, author, and broadcaster entered his eternal home a few days ago.

    Perhaps you supported In Touch Ministries or worshiped at First Baptist Church Atlanta or considered him your spiritual shepherd. It makes sense if his passing affects you.

    I can relate. While I wasn’t familiar with Dr. Stanley or his ministry, my own spiritual mentor also transitioned to heaven earlier this year. Dr. Jack Hayford—founder of the King’s University and the Church on the Way, as well as a prolific author who also composed 500 songs, including Majesty—died in January.

    The death of Pastor Jack Hayford and now Dr. Stanley prompted a timely question. What do we do after the death of someone we’ve fed from spiritually?

    Whether you’re grieving the loss of these godly men or another spiritual giant, here are a few thoughts for your consideration.

    1. Live Their Legacy

    Of all the messages your late spiritual mentor taught, is there a topic or theme that grips your heart the most? Has his or her life exemplified a notable aspect of the Word that transformed you? Then live that message out.

    I’ll give you an example. The bulk of my foundational Christian beliefs came straight from Pastor Jack. But one of the most impactful lessons I caught from him had to do with his regular prayer campaigns for Los Angeles. He taught, “It’s impossible to hate those you pray for.”

    Hearing this on repeat—and cutting my intercessory teeth on prayer circles, what we used to do during Sunday services—induced in me a love for prayer and LA.

    The fact that I still intercede for my city, nation, and the world on a daily basis is a testament to

    Pastor Jack’s ministry and his persistent emphasis on prayer.

    2. Godly Jealousy

    Paul utilized this phrase in his second letter to the Corinthian church (2 Corinthians 11:2) to describe his longing for them to remain faithful to Christ. I’m using the term differently here, so I hope he’ll forgive me for repurposing his phrase.

    Whenever a saint—that is, a believer in Christ—dies, I find myself feeling godly jealousy. I wish I could be in heaven too.

    (As a quick aside, this is another lesson I learned from pastor Jack: that the New Testament, like Acts 26:10 and 1 Corinthians 1:2, refer to Christians as saints.)

    Right now, Dr. Stanley and Pastor Jack are reveling in the presence of the Lord, no doubt hearing Him announce, “Well done, good and faithful servant” (Matthew 25:23). I wonder if angels are ushering them into their due rewards as we speak. After all, rewards await the faithful (Isaiah 40:10, Matthew 10:41-42, Mark 9:41, Revelation 22:12).

    Enjoying God’s glory forever, interacting directly with the Lover of our soul, is far more attractive than puttering around in this sin-encrusted world (Philippians 1:21). Even earth’s top vacation spots can’t compete with the joys of heaven.

    However, let’s be clear. I do not long to be in heaven because I’m suicidal. By God’s grace, I intend to complete His assignments for me rather than exit the earth prematurely.

    If you resonate with this intention but also feel the twinge—however slightly—of wanting to move into heaven, there’s a way to capitalize on it.

    We can use this godly jealousy to motivate ourselves to run a faithful race.

    All the way to the finish line.

    Unfortunately, not everyone who started out as a Christian continues with their journey. I can recite names of famous Christians who, midway in their faith walk, ditched the path and, as far as I know, are still detached from the one true God.

    This isn’t to mention scores of other individuals whose stories might be unknown to us but whose faith, likewise, dissolved.

    Let’s not fix our eyes on them. Let’s instead focus on successful finishers like Drs. Stanley and Hayford and also, apostle Paul.

    Toward the conclusion of his earthly shift, the latter remarked the following: “I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. Now there is in store for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day—and not only to me, but also to all who have longed for his appearing” (2 Timothy 4:7-8).

    Wouldn’t it be wonderful to be able to declare “ditto” when our race is officially over?

    3. Leftover Grief

    Perhaps your spiritual mentor’s passing left you feeling drained. You’ve shed more tears than anticipated. Maybe your appetite—or digestive system—has been off. Or perhaps you’re experiencing other signs of depression.

    If any of the above fits, check if perhaps you’ve neglected to grieve a prior loss. Death leaves a cumulative effect on the mourner, stirring up similar emotions and memories of an earlier loss.

    But a recent death will impact you more if you haven’t fully grieved that prior loss or if you’ve sustained a significant number of losses in recent history—including not just physical death or divorce, but also the loss of income or house.

    So, if your spiritual mentor’s death hits you hard, consider it a 911 call from your soul. Find a trained professional to consult with.

    I recommend someone who is trained in the psychology of grief and mourning.

    4. Holding the Torch

    One of the characteristics of my church that I cherish the most is its multigenerational nature. Baby Boomers, Gen X, Millennials, Gen Z, as well as the youngest one, Gen Alpha, attend our services.

    There may even be a smattering of representatives from the Silent Generation.

    You’ll see me nod at one of our pastors’ frequent exhortations. He insists that every generation in the church needs to mentor someone younger than them.

    This is relevant to our topic because the body of Christ lost two respected generals this year. Pastor Jack died at 88, and Charles Stanley, 90.

    Now that they’re no longer here, the torch—of leading the next generations, spreading the Good News, and holding each other accountable to keep maturing into Christlikeness—is in our hands.

    We may never be called to found a global ministry, but that torch is still in our hands.

    God may appoint us to affect areas of society our mentors hadn’t, but the torch is—you guessed it—still in our hands.

    What better way to honor the passing of your spiritual mentor than to continue cultivating Kingdom values the way he or she did?

    Photo Credit: ©iStock/Getty Images Plus/max-kegfire 

    Audrey Davidheiser, PhD is a California licensed psychologist, certified Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapist and IFSI approved clinical consultant, as well as author of Surviving Difficult People: When Your Faith and Feelings Clash. After founding and directing a counseling center for the Los Angeles Dream Center, she now devotes her practice to survivors of trauma—including spiritual abuse. Visit her on www.aimforbreakthrough.com and Instagram @DrAudreyD.

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    Dr. Audrey Davidheiser

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  • Healthy, Biblical Tips for Dealing with Conflict

    Healthy, Biblical Tips for Dealing with Conflict

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    God’s Word has some great advice on how to handle conflict, and it’s not about how to “sink the other person’s battleship.” However, first and foremost, we must be intentional and proactive about it.

    P – Plan a Peace Conference

    Simply put, don’t ignore conflict, go to the person with whom you are having the conflict and talk it out. But planning a peace conference first must begin in prayer. When we are having a conflict with any individual, before going to speak with them, go to God to get some wisdom and clarity.

    “Search me, O God, and know my heart and test my thoughts” (Psalm 139:23, LB).

    It’s healthy for us to spend time with God asking Him to help us understand our mistakes and see our own hearts clearly. When we finally see the part we played in the conflict – what we selfishly did or hurtfully said that helped create conflict – the battle is half over. After we repent before God and receive His forgiveness, we are empowered to ask for and extend forgiveness to others with a clean heart.

    “If you remember that your brother has something against you, go at once to make peace” (Matthew 5:24).

    The longer you wait the harder it is and the more courage you’ll need to take the first step. 

    E – Empathize 

    “Be full of sympathy toward each other, loving one another with tender hearts and humble minds” (1 Peter 3:8).

    What does it mean to empathize with another? Don’t just plan a peace conference with your husband, wife, co-worker, teenager, partner at work, or friend; make it a point to be empathetic with them when you sit down to talk it out.

    “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death — even death on a cross” (Philippians 2:3-8).

    Paul’s instructions are clear: lay aside selfishness, it’s the root cause of conflict. Considered others better than ourselves – not others who are right, who have treated us properly, who deserve it – just others. Put yourself in their shoes; seek to feel what they feel, and see from their perspective. We must intentionally come out of our mindset and attempt to enter the world of the other person, like Jesus did when He came to earth.

    Photo credit: ©Getty Images/Motortion

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    Frank Santora

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  • To the One Who Loves Someone with a Mental Illness

    To the One Who Loves Someone with a Mental Illness

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    It’s hard living with a mental illness. Every day seems to present a new, impossible task in your face. You can feel that two strides forward are only followed by a mile leaped backward. Of course, you also have the cynics. These individuals believe that mental illness is a “cop-out” or dramatized by those who suffer. Fighting the illness and the voice of those who doubt can be an overwhelming task to face alone. 

    However, imagine the emotional strain felt by those who love individuals with a mental illness. They have to protect their wellbeing while simultaneously supporting and looking after the one they love. 

    I believe we have a surplus of mental health advocates–as we should. But I want to advocate for those behind the scenes. Those who carry burdens that are not their own and fight wars waged by others.

    I was 16 years old when I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. I felt that taking medicine would make me weak and weird, so I remained unmedicated until my mom convinced me that taking meds would only aid my life, not hinder it. While anxiety was challenging enough, it was not until I was in my 20s that I discovered I have multiple forms of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. And while I still do not fully understand what this means sometimes, I lean on the grace and understanding of Jesus. I am blessed with gifts from the Lord that include supportive family, friends, and fiancé. 

    Because I am thankful for these people, I want to show their side, how they see mental illness and their loved ones who battle it. To do this, I interviewed individuals who are in a relationship with someone who is fighting a mental illness. For starters, I interviewed my fiancé:

    What mental illness does your partner have? 

    “Very bad anxiety and OCD.”

    This question may seem overly simple. Kind of like, “Wow, he knows what’s wrong. Give him a gold star.” But y’all, it is so refreshing to have a man so freely and openly not only accept but learn about things that don’t affect him personally. Ladies, if your partner does not want to learn more about your problems and help you fix them, do not settle.

    What does your partner’s mental illness mean for them?

    “She doesn’t feel like she can be loved like someone who doesn’t have these mental illnesses, that she is loved different because of these illnesses.” 

    (As I am the person he is talking about, I can honestly say that he hit the nail on the head. Those who suffer with an “invisible illness” can often feel that the love offered to them is cushioned, different, or even strenuous.)

    “She is constantly on guard and protective of herself because she doesn’t want the illness to cause any hurt to anyone.” 

    Again, he hit the nail on the head. Mental illnesses ail so many people. Loving others while suffering with a mental illness can be fearful. You know how it affects you, and you do not want others to be hurt by you as well. 

    How do you handle their mental illness?

    “I don’t ‘handle’ it. It affects her, so I just love her. I am very mindful of how I word things and how it can trigger OCD.” 

    First, let me just brag on my man. He immediately made it a point for me to understand that he does not “handle” my anxiety and OCD. It is not an inconvenience to him. Again ladies, don’t settle. 

    Second, to those who suffer, please take the time to appreciate your loved ones. They have taken the time to learn about your illness and then learn about your individual triggers. This takes time, as well as patience. They then are taking the time to learn how to rethink their regular vernacular in order to make you more comfortable. 

    How do you love them differently due to their mental illness?

    “I don’t show her love differently. I feel like when you show love differently it puts strain on them by making them think they are not worth normal love. In reality, there is only one love, and that’s from Jesus. So, there is only one Love you can truly show them, Jesus.”

    How can you love someone whose brain you don’t understand? Show them Jesus. Yes, there are varying factors in each relationship, especially mental illness. But there is only one Love to show people, and that is being a reflection of Jesus. 

    When has their mental illness brought something positive into your relationship? 

    “If you know how to communicate when your partner is triggered, then it grows the relationship and you learn more about each other throughout each conversation.”    

    When the right person comes into your life, you can take things like mental illnesses and use them as a chance to grow as a couple. You can learn more about each other than you already do. 

    I write this to encourage you, dear reader. Whether you suffer from an illness unseen or you love an individual who does, the way you respond means more than you know. 

    To those who suffer, know that it is not easy for others to understand what is going on in your head. You have to take the time and effort to explain your thoughts. No matter how wonderful your partner is, they will not be able to understand your triggers, compulsions, and symptoms until you explain them. And while it can be difficult to walk back through the valley and relive your hardest times, the person you love is worth the patience. I promise it is worth it to let those God placed in your life behind your walls. If you have spent time in the Father’s presence and you know that this person is here to support you through it all, show them patience and let them in. You won’t regret it. 

    To those who love the sufferer, I cannot describe how much your patience, love, and support mean to your loved one. Sometimes, the only thing that can pull your partner out of an episode or downward spiral is someone they trust sitting with them and pulling/coercing them back into reality. You are a gift and a blessing.

    You show the love of Jesus when you show grace and compassion, patience, and the willingness to learn. The Great Physician works in mysterious ways. And while there is no cure for my Anxiety or my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, there is a medicine provided that eases the pain. It comes in the form of love and support shown by those who relentlessly battle an invisible disease that ails many. Loneliness is replaced with companionship, fear is overtaken by bravery, and it all points to the gracious God we serve. 

    Dear friend, don’t give up on your loved ones who suffer. And dear sufferer, don’t push away those who take the time to show you love. 

    Thank you, friend, for loving us as Jesus would desire. And thank you, sufferer, for keeping up the fight. 

    Photo Credit: ©Unsplash/Frank Mckenna

    Olivia Lauren is a graduate student passionate about Scripture, particularly the Book of Romans showcasing God’s grace. Outside her studies, she enjoys teaching her dog new tricks and finding quicker ways to silence the smoke alarm after trying a new recipe. 

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    Olivia Lauren

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  • How I Learned to Combat Conflict in My Marriage

    How I Learned to Combat Conflict in My Marriage

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    Conflict can be good if you see it from the right perspective, but conflict is also hard, especially in a marriage. Conflict can be good in that it resolves deeper issues, unmet expectations, and miscommunications, but it could also cause a rift in our marriage that is hard to resolve. Our spouses see us at our best and our worst. It is easy for us to take out our areas of pain and frustration on our spouses, but simply because they are in our lives doesn’t mean we can use them as a punching bag. When I chose to see my spouse in a new light and understand the role healthy conflict has in our marriage, I could resolve arguments in a godly way. 

    First, I saw my spouse as an ally rather than an enemy. This was the most important part of shifting my perspective. I sometimes saw my husband as the enemy against me, using words like weapons and hurling insults because he was not there to support me. I had unhealthy expectations that he would always love and support me unconditionally—perfectly. Those are things I can only get from God. I was using my husband as a way to take out my greatest frustrations instead of seeing him as an ally. I now see him as a flawed person who makes mistakes just like me, and it has helped me forgive him in areas where I was wronged.

    Look Past the Past

    Second, I was able to look past the past. Although I was diligent in forgiving current situations, it was easy for me to bring them back up again during present conflict. But that is not what Jesus did. To be an example of Jesus, I needed to forgive my spouse and choose to remember his sins no more. That especially includes the sins committed against us. This may seem impossible, but it can be done with God’s help. Just as God still remembers our sins yet chooses not to use them against us, we can choose to do the same when it comes to our spouses. We are only doing ourselves a disservice when we choose to hold past offenses against our spouse. If I wanted to have a good marriage, I had to let go of the past and forge ahead toward a healthy marriage for the future. 

    Take Personal Responsibility

    Third, I had to take responsibility for the parts of the conflict where I was wrong. Instead of shifting blame to my spouse in every situation, I had to analyze my part and responsibility in the offense. I sometimes laid blame even when I had been wronged, and I had to take responsibility for my part in that. When I was able to take responsibility, bring it to God, and ask God for his forgiveness, I could rest assured knowing that Christ’s blood covered all my past wrongs. Not only that, but I was able to view my husband’s wrongs in the same light. God chooses not to hold his offenses against me. If I am to be an example of Christ, I can’t hold his past offenses against him either. 

    Choose Your Battles

    Fourth, I chose my battles. I saw the conflict as the problem, but often, it was just a symptom of a much larger problem. For example, if I saw extra dishes in the sink and it was his turn to do the dishes, I would explode at him for not doing his share. However, it was my feelings of unappreciation and a feeling of being used that were my underlying issues rather than his lack of diligence regarding the chores. When I could go to God with my deeper needs for appreciation and ask God to validate who I am in Christ, the dishes became an act of service rather than a chore to be endured. 

    When I was able to shift my perspective and ask God to meet my deeper needs rather than going to my spouse, I was able to see the relationship for what it truly was: a partnership where we mirror Christ and the Church. Because we are human, it can often be messy. Both husband and wife make mistakes and hurt the other. The more that happened and the more those situations piled up, the more difficult it became to forgive and to love with the same love Christ had for me. When I was able to work through my issues regarding feeling unappreciated or undervalued, I was able to see that God is the only one who can meet my needs. If you are struggling with deeper needs, there is hope. 

    During your quiet time, ask the Holy Spirit to reveal any past situations where you felt this need for the first time. As I examined my life, I often found these deeper feelings did not come from my spouse but rather from my bad childhood experiences. When I was able to forgive the offender for not meeting my needs, I was able to see my spouse in a more loving way. A great resource for this is Soul Care by Rob Reimer. In it, he takes the reader through several areas where the soul may have emotional baggage that, when resolved, can lead people to a free life in Christ. When I was able to rid myself of deeper wounds and issues that I could not change, I was able to walk in freedom. I also noticed my physical, mental, and emotional well-being were better off because of the work God had done in my life. 

    See the Partnership

    Fifth, I was able to see my marriage as a partnership: two equal people working together to accomplish the work of the Kingdom. When I saw one of us as more than the other, it skewed my relationship and allowed one of us to act superior toward the other. This caused a sense of inferiority that I could not change. When I started seeing myself as inferior to others, it skewed my worldview, hindering my ability to see others with the same eyes that Jesus sees them. I had to change how I saw myself. I had to rid myself of pride and ambition and see myself as a sinner in need of God’s grace.  When I was able to see myself for who I truly am—a person whose sin Christ’s blood covered on the cross, I was able to see people for who they were. How I viewed myself affected how I viewed others. 

    When we see ourselves with the truth of Scripture, we can hold tight to God’s promises and know that regardless of what happens, he sees us as his child, dearly loved. When I could see myself in that same vein, I was able to work within the confines of how God wired me. This gave me a feeling of deeper meaning and purpose. When we live every day as if we have a specific purpose, we can have the assurance that God will use us to accomplish his work. When I saw myself as a unique individual created by God to do the job only he has given me to do, it gave me a purpose much deeper than simply earning a paycheck or having a good marriage. This allowed my conflict with my spouse to reduce greatly. I knew my attitude had changed when I found my conflicts were fewer and farther between. I can’t say we don’t ever fight, but when we do, I try to see the situation from my spouse’s perspective. When I can look at this situation healthily, I take responsibility for my part, forgive when I’ve been wronged, and move forward to accomplish God’s work. 

    Love Like Christ

    Sixth, I could love my spouse the way God loves him. Although I can’t say I love my spouse unconditionally, I love him in a deeper way than I did when we first got married. When we were dating, I often saw a relationship as what he could do for me. Now I see it as what I can do for him and how we can move forward together in accomplishing his work. Whether it’s ministering to our local church or discussing our hopes and dreams, I can love him with the same love that Christ has for his people. When I do this, I understand, in a new way, God’s love for his children. Conflict is inevitable, but we don’t have to be in conflict regularly. By observing the steps above, you can choose to see your spouse in a new way. When you choose to see your spouse in the way God sees them, you can see your spouse and your marriage in the same way God sees it. 

    Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/fizkes

    Michelle S. Lazurek is a multi-genre award-winning author, speaker, pastor’s wife, and mother. She is a literary agent for Wordwise Media Services and a certified writing coach. Her new children’s book Who God Wants Me to Be encourages girls to discover God’s plan for their careers. When not working, she enjoys sipping a Starbucks latte, collecting 80s memorabilia, and spending time with her family and her crazy dog. For more info, please visit her website www.michellelazurek.com.

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  • 3 Things I Wish People Would Stop Telling Me About Getting Married

    3 Things I Wish People Would Stop Telling Me About Getting Married

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    Seventy-five days remain until I change my name from Miss to Mrs. As chaos surrounds me, so do the blessings. I’m overwhelmed with the changes occurring in my life, but even more, I’m encapsulated by how much advice people share during this season. 

    When I was a little girl, I dreamed of finding my prince and riding off on a white horse into the sunset. It was a daydream, a fairytale that princesses and paupers alike envision… that is until they grow up. 

    During my teen years, I didn’t go on a single date. Some might call me a prude, but genuinely, no one ever asked me out! Probably because I was shy around boys, or acted like they were that freaky jumping spider you find in your bathroom and scream for someone else to come take care of! 

    All jokes aside, however, I know now that the Lord was saving and reserving my heart for someone special. A certain someone I would wait my entire life to date, and praise the Lord, then marry. 

    Small Beginnings

    I met Ben at the end of my fourth year of college. I didn’t know it then, but he would quickly become a part of my life for the next five years. He will now soon become a part of my life forever. 

    Our dating scenes weren’t always easy. They were certainly not what I envisioned as a little girl with her Prince Charming. But I can say with honor that he is everything and more I prayed for. He is the prince I envisioned waiting for, and the one with whom I will spend the rest of my days here on Earth. 

    The closer we get to our wedding date, the more my anxiety grows. Don’t get me wrong; I am ecstatic! Finding a place to live and making transitions to live with another human being is a joy I prayed for many years to encounter. But as the years grow into months and days until I say “I do,” I am also filled with normal insecurities and fears. I suppose many others in this season know exactly what I’m referring to. 

    In my questions and answers, there have been three pieces of marriage advice repeated over and over. And if these have been said to you, I want you to know that you’re not alone! 

    While the intentions behind these pieces of advice come from genuine care and concern, here’s what I wish people would stop telling me about getting married:

    1. Marriage Is Hard

    Practically speaking, I understand what someone means when they coin the phrase, “Marriage is hard.” I think as children, we grow up envisioning marriage as this far-off mystical land full of rainbows, sunshine, and puppy dogs. But as much as we know these things simply aren’t true, we can set ourselves up for disappointment. The first time he forgets to take out the trash or we get into a disagreement can stir heated tensions. 

    I’m not married yet, so I won’t pretend to know everything about this subject. However, I have grown up in a home violated by verbal and emotional abuse. When people tell me marriage is hard, all I can think about is the home I grew up seeing. 

    The slamming doors. The raging voices. Unresolved arguments tucked away for another day in hopes of resolution. To say I saw a chaotic and unhealthy marriage would be an understatement. I love both of my parents dearly. I know they’ve raised me the best they could. No one is perfect. Not even the best couples are. But I don’t need anyone else to tell me marriage is hard. 

    I know it won’t be sunshine and rainbows every day. I know it won’t always be easy. But because I’ve grown up seeing what marriage shouldn’t be, I do know an awful lot about what it should be. What it should look like. How it should look. What I will and will not put up with. 

    As my Grandma Memo once told me, “Marriage isn’t hard, Amber. At least, it shouldn’t be. Sure, it has its ups and downs. It’s disagreements and moments of agreeing to disagree. But marriage is good. A healthy marriage is about sacrifice and balance. It takes work. Patience. Love and forgiveness. But it isn’t hard.”

    2. You Will Have Fights

    The second piece of advice people love to share about preparing for marriage is the assumption that “you will have fights.” Now, this might just be a personal preference, but I believe telling someone they and their partner will have fights isn’t the most appropriate measure of love to share. 

    Again, I digress. I grew up in a fairly dysfunctional family. I know what unhealthy relationships and boundaries look like between men and women. Between power and authority of those who shouldn’t have any but do. And yet, this comment that my fiancé and I will have fights simply isn’t helpful. 

    I’m not naive as many may think. Even Paul in 1 Corinthians 7 gives instruction that marriage is not for everyone, and moments of discontent between a husband and wife are sure to arise. Although I’m engaged to Ben, we have had our share of arguments over the five years we’ve been together. Little “he said, she said” moments of despair that really weren’t that big of a deal. But even in our worst disagreements and heartbreaks, we haven’t fought. 

    Early on in our dating relationship, it felt like Ben and I had a DTR (define the relationship) moment every single week or month. It was exhausting, and we questioned the relationship a lot. But the one thing Ben and I now value most about our relationship is the resilience, patience, and love Christ has enabled us to grow through within this experience. 

    Yes, Ben and I will continue to have things we disagree on often. Every couple does. But what matters is our resilience and drive to resolve these issues. We have a promise we’ve made to each other and God that when we have a problem, we tell each other. Not someone else. Not a family member, but we talk to each other. Once we’ve shed light on the subject, we then take the time to talk about it and listen to the other person’s perspective. No yelling. No slamming doors. No raising our voices. No throwing things or hitting the other person. 

    At the end of the day, there are still many things we have to simply agree to disagree about. This was another piece of advice Grandma gave me that I cling to often. But God never said we had to agree 100% of the time with the person we marry. He said that we need to cherish them with love and care like they were our own bodies. I’m still learning how to do this well, but I’m confident that if we keep Christ at the center of our relationship and remember who the true enemy of our problems is (Satan, not each other), we will avoid many quarrels. 

    3. The First Year of Marriage Is The Hardest

    The final piece of unwarranted advice that I wish people would stop saying about marriage is that “the first year is the hardest.” Granted, I’ve never been married. I don’t know and won’t pretend to know what this experience is going to be like. But as someone with anxiety and depression, I’m sure it’ll continue to be overwhelming and exciting. 

    The assumption that the first year of marriage will be the hardest comes from the belief that two people are merging their lives together for the first time. Since Ben and I are Christians and have always lived at home with our families (even commuting to and from college this way), it’s sure to be a wake-up call. Most days, I’m not sure I’m prepared for living with the opposite species and how he will act. I’m sure Ben would say the same about living with a female who’s emotional and cries most days.

    Nevertheless, I know that the path we’ve pursued is God’s plan, and He will bless our lives. We’ve chosen to pursue our marriage the right way. We’ve never lived together and won’t until our vows have been said, rings are placed, and our promise to God is presented before mankind. But I would rather choose honor to God than comfort to man. I would rather be surprised when I get married than dishonor God just to seek something unknown. 

    Over the last five years, Ben and I have experienced a lot of really hard things. I’m tempted to say they are things many couples still haven’t faced. Everyone has their unique battles and challenges. But only God truly knows our story and where it’s headed. Only God knows how the rest of our lives will unfold. 

    I presume that Ben and I will face many challenges in the first year of marriage. But it’s accurate to say we probably will every single year. I don’t necessarily think one can outweigh the other as long as resilience, grace, love, and forgiveness pave the way.

    Seventy-five days feel like a long time now, but I know it’ll fade quickly. And soon, I’ll tread deep into waters I know relatively little about. I have my preconceived notions and ideals, but there’s only so much you can prepare for without experience. 

    For all of you friends in this similar season, know I see you and stand with you. But please don’t be afraid. Only you, your partner-to-be, and God know how everything pan out. And with Christ on your side and within your relationship, you will conquer even the most unknown and uncertain circumstances. 

    Be blessed today and forevermore, knowing that Someone who died to love you is preparing you for an eternity of love here on Earth and in Heaven. Regardless of the advice you’ve been told. Regardless of things that have been said, but probably shouldn’t. 

    Agape, Amber

    Photo Credit: ©Pixabay/Pexels

    Amber Ginter is a young adult writer that currently works as an English teacher in Chillicothe, Ohio, and has a passionate desire to impact the world for Jesus through her love for writing, aesthetics, health/fitness, and ministry. Amber seeks to proclaim her love for Christ and the Gospel through her writing, aesthetic worship arts, and volunteer roles. She is enrolled in the YWW Author Conservatory to become a full-time author and is a featured writer for Crosswalk, ibelieve, Salem Web Network, The Rebelution, Daughter of Delight, Kallos, Anchored Passion, No Small Life, and Darling Magazine. In the past, she’s also contributed to Called Christian Writers, Southern Ohio Today News, Ohio Christian University, and The Circleville Herald. Visit her website at amberginter.com.

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    Amber Ginter

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