Lastly, one thing often assumed in poor communication is personal intent. This means when your spouse makes a statement or observation, we assume attack and assertion because we are geared to be uptight and stressed during our conversations. We take words personally where they are not intended to be.
Instead, we must retrain our minds to assume that our spouse is innocent of personal intent. That what they’re saying is not meant to be a deeply hurtful criticism, an abandonment of their love for us, a signal that they believe we are failures or an unspoken but fully intended finger-pointing accusation. Try a different angle and listen to their words—probably spoken emotionally due to poor communication in your history—and assume that they’re saying the words out of frustration or hurt, but not with the intent to skewer you emotionally.
Granted, sometimes, the hard truth is we say hurtful things with the intent of hurting the other person. So, assuming innocence isn’t foolproof. But it’s a better and safer way toward good communication to presume innocence until guilt is uncovered.
Remember, poor communication in marriage can range in degrees of intensity. This article is not at all intended to be a fix-all for marriages struggling deeply with abuse, or PTSD from past relationships or childhood, etc. Many serious and severe facets can influence poor communication. So, it will be important to identify if any of these are directly affecting your personal set of circumstances.
But if you have a relatively healthy marriage, healthy home, and stable upbringing, communication can still be poor simply because we’re not good at it! This is when much of what you’ve read here can be more effective.
In the end, you need to be honest with yourself and your spouse as to the degree of severity your communication is suffering. Then, take the proper and appropriate steps to work toward healing that.
The foundation of marriage is built upon the principles of love and respect, as depicted in Ephesians 5:33: “Nevertheless, let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself, and let the wife see that she reverences her husband.”
In its purest form, genuine love mirrors Christ’s love for the Church. It’s sacrificial, unconditional, and selfless. Husbands are called to love their wives in this manner, cherishing and caring for them just as Christ cares for His Church. It means putting the needs and desires of your spouse above your own, supporting and nurturing their spiritual and emotional growth.
Respect, on the other hand, is a deep appreciation for the role and authority that God has placed within the husband. It’s recognizing the leadership and decision-making responsibilities bestowed upon him. This respect isn’t blind obedience but rather an acknowledgment of his position as the head of the household, akin to how we respect God’s authority in our lives.
The intertwining of love and respect in marriage is essential. When a husband loves his wife with the same love Christ has for the Church, he fosters an environment of trust and security. The wife, in return, responds with respect, which further strengthens the marital bond. It creates a harmonious cycle where love begets respect, and respect reinforces love.
Genuine Mutual Love: The Cornerstone of a Godly Marriage
Love is undeniably the cornerstone of a godly marriage, and at its core lies the concept of agape love. This selfless, unconditional love is profoundly inspired by God’s example, as beautifully depicted in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7: “Love is patient; love is kind, it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking; it is not easily angered; and it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres.”
For a marriage to flourish, both parties must have a genuine love for one another, and this love must be mutual, not one-sided. In this sense, love must be patient. It is the kind of love that perseveres through trials and tribulations, enduring the storms of life with unwavering faith.
In a marriage, patience means not giving up on your spouse, even when faced with challenges or disagreements. It’s about understanding that growth and change take time, and genuine love remains steadfast through it all.
Genuine love is also kind. It makes you gentle and compassionate toward your spouse, always seeking their well-being. It goes beyond mere politeness; it’s about actively showing kindness and consideration in both words and actions. Kindness in marriage fosters an atmosphere of warmth and acceptance where spouses feel valued and cherished.
Also, true love does not envy or boast, and it is not proud. It promotes humility and contentment within the marriage. Instead of comparing your relationship to others or seeking recognition, true love encourages couples to find joy and fulfillment in the unique bond they share. It’s about appreciating what you have without arrogance or jealousy.
Crucially, genuine love is not self-seeking. It’s a love that prioritizes the needs and desires of your spouse over your own. It’s about selflessness and putting their well-being above all else. In a godly marriage, this type of love leads to sacrificial acts of service, where each partner strives to make life better for the other.
Genuine love keeps no record of wrongs. It’s about forgiving and letting go of past mistakes and grievances. This is essential for fostering a climate of forgiveness and reconciliation in marriages. It’s about moving forward together, unburdened by the weight of past transgressions.
True love rejoices with the truth and always protects, trusts, hopes, and perseveres. This is a kind of love that seeks honesty and transparency in communication, builds trust through reliability, remains hopeful in the face of challenges, and endures through the highs and lows of life.
Respect: Honoring the Divine Design
Respect is not merely a passive acknowledgment but an active appreciation and esteem for your spouse’s God-given role and authority within the marriage.
For husbands, they must love their wives unconditionally, which means showing sacrificial love, care, and support. However, it also implies recognizing and valuing the unique qualities and contributions of your wives. Husbands are also called to honor their wives by acknowledging their worth, appreciating their strengths, and actively involving them in decisions that affect the family.
And for wives, they are required to “reverence” their husbands. This reverence is not about blind obedience but rather recognizing and respecting the leadership and responsibilities that God has placed upon husbands within the family. It’s about valuing the husband’s wisdom, guidance, and provision. This respect also involves uplifting their husbands with words of encouragement and affirmation.
In a practical sense, respect in marriage means listening attentively to your spouse’s thoughts and opinions, even when you may have different viewpoints. It involves speaking to each other with kindness and consideration and avoiding hurtful or demeaning words. Respect also entails supporting and uplifting your spouse, both privately and publicly, rather than criticizing or undermining their efforts.
Furthermore, respect involves recognizing the importance of teamwork within the marriage. It’s about working together, sharing responsibilities, and making decisions collaboratively while still honoring the roles and strengths that each spouse brings to the relationship. It’s acknowledging that you are life partners, each with a unique contribution to make.
Respect in marriage is not a one-time gesture but an ongoing commitment. It’s a daily practice of valuing and cherishing your spouse, even in the midst of challenges or disagreements. It’s a reflection of the biblical principle found in Philippians 2:3, which says, “Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory, but in lowliness of mind, let each esteem others better than themselves.” This mutual esteem and respect build the foundation of a strong and Christ-centered marriage.
Mutual Submission
The concept of mutual submission in marriage is a profound and often misunderstood aspect of relationships. It’s important to clarify that mutual submission does not imply a one-sided or oppressive dynamic but a joint effort based on mutual respect and a desire to honor God in the marriage.
The foundation of mutual submission can be found in Ephesians 5:21, which states, “Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God.” This verse sets the tone for the subsequent verses about the roles of husbands and wives in marriage. It emphasizes that both spouses are called to submit to one another out of reverence for God.
In practical terms, mutual submission means that both husband and wife willingly yield to each other’s needs, desires, and viewpoints. It involves a balance between leadership and partnership in decision-making, recognizing the strengths and perspectives each spouse brings to the marriage.
Leadership within the context of mutual submission does not equate to domination or control. Instead, it means taking responsibility for the well-being of the family and providing guidance and direction, as Christ provides for the Church. Husbands are called to lead with humility, servant-heartedness, and a deep concern for their wives’ spiritual and emotional growth.
Partnership, on the other hand, is about working collaboratively to make decisions that affect the family. It involves open and respectful communication, where both spouses actively listen to each other’s viewpoints and seek consensus whenever possible. It also means recognizing and valuing each other’s strengths and expertise in different areas.
One of the keys to successfully balancing leadership and partnership is communication. Spouses should openly discuss their expectations, desires, and concerns. This ensures that both husband and wife have a clear understanding of each other’s needs and can work together effectively.
Mutual submission also means considering each other’s well-being in decision-making. It involves asking questions like, “How will this decision affect my spouse?” and “Is this in the best interest of our family as a whole?” This mindset of mutual concern and care helps guide decision-making in a way that honors both individuals and the marriage itself.
Furthermore, it’s important to remember that mutual submission is not a zero-sum game where one spouse’s submission diminishes the other’s authority. Instead, it’s a model of mutual respect and love where both spouses willingly place each other’s needs and interests above their own.
Synergy: Love and Respect in Harmony
The virtuous cycle of love and respect is a powerful dynamic within a Christ-centered marriage. It’s a positive feedback loop where each partner’s love inspires respect, and in turn, that respect fuels even greater love. Let’s delve into how this cycle works.
In a Christian marriage, love is not just a feeling; it’s a choice and an action. When one partner demonstrates love by showing care, understanding, and selflessness, it often triggers a response of respect from the other spouse. This respect is a recognition of the sacrificial love being shown and a genuine appreciation for the efforts being made to nurture the relationship.
For instance, when a husband consistently demonstrates love by actively listening to his wife’s concerns, supporting her dreams, and valuing her opinions, she is more likely to respond with respect. She recognizes his commitment to her well-being and leadership within the marriage.
On the flip side, when a wife shows respect by acknowledging her husband’s wisdom, supporting his decisions, and affirming his efforts, he feels honored and loved. This, in turn, motivates him to continue to love her sacrificially, creating a positive feedback loop.
The virtuous cycle of love and respect strengthens the emotional connection between spouses. It deepens the bond and creates an atmosphere of security and trust within the marriage. Both partners feel valued, cherished, and understood, which fosters a sense of unity and harmony.
In every moment, small or significant, let your love and respect shine as a beacon of God’s love in your marriage. By doing so, you will not only achieve a successful and fulfilling marriage but also serve as a testament to the transformative power of love and respect in the journey of faith and love.
Emmanuel Abimbola is a creative freelance writer, blogger, and web designer. He is a devout Christian with an uncompromising faith who hails from Ondo State in Nigeria, West Africa. As a lover of kids, Emmanuel runs a small elementary school in Arigidi, Nigeria.
I’m gonna start with a story of sorts. When my hubby and I were first married, we owned this little 700-square-foot condo in the middle of town. A few months before we said “I do,” we worked tirelessly to get this little place in shape. My dear parents and grandmother even came over and helped us tear down walls, throw in a new kitchen sink, and replace the icky yellowish-green carpet all in a means to make it more appealing. There was even flowery pink and green 1950’s wallpaper still stuck to the walls, incase you couldn’t picture it. Yep, we had our work cut out for us! Needless to say, we saw the potential of this precious place and bought it in hopes to “fix it up” and get it ready for our new life together.
But, more than anything else, what really wooed and romanced my young heart was the extra-long hallway that stretched from the front door to the living room. It screamed, “This is perfect for running and jumping on your hubby when he gets home from work!” And, that is exactly what I did! For three years my hubby perfected the art of throwing aside his briefcase and bracing himself just in time for me to come blazing in at full speed, all in a means to smother him in love.
Ahhh… young love. I miss those days. I think if I tried that now, it would either throw out his back or we’d both end up in the emergency room – ha! But, that still doesn’t stop me from greeting my man with a warm “hello” and twinkle in my eye that shows I absolutely adore him.
Okay, so maybe by now you are thinking, this girl is way too much. I get that, and I’ve heard that sentiment before. Over the years, when I have shared my young love greeting story, the response is generally the same, insinuating that my eagerness to greet my hubby is due to my hopelessly romantic heart, or that’s just what “newlyweds” do.
But sweet friend, it’s so much more than that! Greeting one another in a friendly manner is what we are encouraged to do as believers as it promotes a deeper connection with one another (2 Corinthians 13:12). So, in essence, there should always be a sense of excitement when we see our other half, right? And, if not, maybe we should change our mindset.
Now don’t misunderstand, I do get when tension or stress piles up, putting a strain on a marriage, making any greeting challenging or uncomfortable. But the truth is, we must try. The reason is that a warm greeting could change everything, really! For one, it could soften hearts and open minds.
So, the question stands – should you be greeting your sweet guy whole-heartedly with a warm and friendly greeting every single day? Yes! 100% yes! Does it have to be an elaborate and bold greeting where you drop everything and run over jumping on him? No, but when you greet him warmly, with a little enthusiasm, it touches his heart, setting a loving tone for your marriage.
Let’s dig a little deeper as why your man needs you to greet him with a gleam in your eye and pep in your step, and in turn, tune up the heat between the two of you!
He Will Feel Appreciated
There is a primary need that is built into the heart of every man, and it is to know that what he is doing truly matters. It’s pretty cliché to say that men are black and white, and they don’t really have many feelings that need to be tended to. While they may think and “feel” differently because they were created by God to be leaders, protectors, and providers (Genesis 1:27, 1 Corinthians 16:13, Ephesians 5:25, Proverbs 24:5-6), they still require a unique set of needs from their wife to feel loved. Appreciation tops the list, closely after showing him honor and respect. In other words, our husbands need to know that what they are doing is appreciated, valued, and important.
So, how does a warm and friendly greeting show you appreciate, honor, and even respect your husband? That sweet gesture says “thank you” in action, while showing you don’t take his provision for granted. It also opens up an invitation to shower him in thanks and praise. These words and actions can mean the world to your man. It’s often the little things that will keep him going and give him the strength and ability to push through a rough day or challenging job. Speak to his heart, and appreciate him with loving hello.
It Will Make Him Excited to See YOU!
Ask yourself this… is your hubby excited to see you? Does he light up when you’ve been apart? Sadly, many friends I have spoken to over the years have the same defeated answer, and it just breaks my heart. Ladies, we’ve got to change this. And we can! Yes, it can start with us. When we make it a point to show our guy that we are so excited to see them, in time, they will be just as excited to see us!
Let me rewind a bit and address the potential problem though, first. Over time, we build complacency in our marriages, things get stale, or past hurts keep resurfacing, storing tension and bitterness. In time, we bend and sway to the melody of or emotions. Being more of the “feelers,” it causes us to build walls by pushing away to prevent getting our feelings hurt even more. However, our husbands don’t always know how to respond, so they retreat. Now you’ve become more like roommates than lovers!
Friend, this should make us angry! If we want to feel anything, we should be upset that the enemy uses this sneaky tactic to divide us! But rather than letting the evil win, we must strive to push past all the feelings and do something. While greeting your hubby warmly won’t solve everything, it is a start. Get creative and strive to serve his heart by tapping into his love language. If he is acts of service, then greet him with his favorite meal. If he is more of a physical touch kind of guy, greet him with a lingering hug. If he likes quality time, invite him to help you prep dinner and strive to make it fun for him. Being intentional and finding ways to speak into his heart will eventually open him up to receiving it, therefore, feeling motivated to return the love. Before you know it – you’ll both be excited to see one another!
It Builds Intimacy and Closeness
A simple greeting can trigger a wide range of benefits for your marriage. For one, it shows that you are in this together and your actions can extend encouragement and support to face whatever the days ahead hold. A simple hug, kiss, or glance offers hope, welcomes love, and extends forgiveness. The best part is that when we make a conscious effort to greet our sweet spouse warmly, it also opens up an invitation for the beautiful gift of intimacy.
God’s plan for our marriages is to connect us in a deeper way while understanding His unconditional love for us. God saw that it was not good for man to be alone, so He made a helper, and Eve, the first woman, was formed (Genesis 2:18). We see in this first story of man that God wanted us to have a special union and unique companionship with another human. There is no other human bond like it. God also had a purpose for us to have children and raise them up to learn about Him and His unfailing love (Psalm 127:4). Due to His love for us, He gave us the gift of intimacy, and the closeness it brings in the marital bed to fulfill these purposes. Our intimacy and closeness as we physically become one flesh nurtures our marriage and essentially glorifies God.
Practice and Perfect “The Holy Kiss”
According to Google and other sources (gotta love when it starts off that way, right?), “experts” say married couples should be kissing at least three times a day! Some even claim they should kiss 5 or more times, with one being a “passionate” kiss lasting more than a few seconds. Do you and your honey do that? I’ll admit that sadly, we don’t. But, it does bring me right back to our newlywed days when kissing didn’t just come naturally, but rather excitedly too!
Whether you and your hubby need to brush back up on your kissing skills or not, we need to address the “holy kiss.” While it is referred to in the Bible as a sign of peace among believers when Paul tells the church to greet one another with a “holy kiss,” it can still be applicable to us today. I’m not saying to greet your fellow brothers and sisters with a “kiss.” That may be awkward! But, the point here is that we can often be genuine in our greeting towards others, especially fellow believers, but fail to extend that sweet greeting to our own spouse.
If you haven’t kissed your hubby in a while, especially in a passionate, lingering sense, then take a trip down memory lane when the anticipation of his kiss was what you lived for. If that doesn’t jog your memory, then turn to Song of Solomon for some inspiration.
Keep in mind that you and your dear husband were designed to kiss, show affection, and build intimacy. Besides, I hear there are amazing health benefits to this sweet little exchange, such as the release of endorphins that can relieve stress and anxiety. Who knows, once you make it more regular, you might feel better too! If nothing else, it sure gives you something to look forward to, and it’s just fun!
Now, go! Greet that hubby of yours in a sweet and tender way and let the sparks fly in your marriage!
Alicia Searl is a devotional author, blogger, and speaker that is passionate about pouring out her heart and pointing ladies of all ages back to Jesus. She has an education background and master’s in literacy. Her favorite people call her Mom, which is why much of her time is spent cheering them on at a softball game or dance class. She is married to her heartthrob (a tall, spiky-haired blond) who can whip up a mean latte. She sips that goodness while writing her heart on a page while her puppy licks her feet. Visit her website at aliciasearl.com and connect with her on Instagram and Facebook.
Being bitter is something I am familiar with, more than I would like to admit. Becoming bitter and remaining bitter are extremely common in our lifetimes. Somebody does us wrong and we feel bitter towards them. Maybe they really hurt our feelings or made us feel bad about ourselves. These are but two reasons why a person could become bitter. In actuality, there are an unlimited number of reasons why a person could become bitter, and it can negatively impact mental health, relationships, and even one’s spiritual walk with Christ.
1. You’re Unwilling to Forgive
One sign that you are bitter is if you’re unwilling to forgive. As someone who struggles with bitterness, I have a hard time forgiving others. This could be partly due to the way I was brought up; however, I recognize it is my fault also. Growing up, whenever I would do something wrong and apologize, I was taught that if I was truly sorry I wouldn’t have done the hurtful thing in the first place. While this line of thought has some credibility, it is impossible to think we are never going to make a mistake again.
The sad truth is that we all hurt others and others will hurt us. It is part of living in a sinful world. God didn’t intend the world to be like this; however, once sin entered the world, it changed all of this. We now live in a world where others will hurt us and often, it will be hurt inflicted by loved ones. All of us have been hurt by someone close to us at some point, and we have also hurt those who are close to us too. Forgiving someone for a hurt can be extremely hard, yet it is what God wants us to do.
The Bible tells us we are to forgive others as God has forgiven us (Ephesians 4:32). This can be a challenging teaching; however, the Bible doesn’t pull any punches. When it tells us that we are to forgive others as God has forgiven us, it means this is exactly what we must do. Maybe the person doesn’t deserve our forgiveness or maybe they never even asked for our forgiveness. Even if they don’t deserve our forgiveness and never ask it anyway, we are still to extend forgiveness.
Forgiving them doesn’t mean what they did was okay nor does it mean it is forgotten. Rather, forgiveness means you are giving the situation over to God. In other words, you are giving God all of the hurt and pain you are feeling. He can help you carry this burden and fill your heart with peace. When you choose to forgive others, it will help stop bitterness from taking root in your heart. Holding onto unforgiveness will only hurt you; it will never hurt the other person as much as it hurts you.
2. You Are Irritable
A second sign you are bitter is if you are irritable. Being bitter can cause you to have an extremely short temper. Instead of being able to work through issues logically and rationally, bitterness will cause you to become irritable with everyone. Maybe the person who planted the bitterness is long gone, but the hurt is still there. Holding onto this hurt and pain has only caused the bitterness to grow and deepen its roots in your heart.
As a result, you have become much more irritable. Maybe your sibling, friend, or spouse has noticed your increasing irritability. Sometimes it can be hard for us to recognize our own irritability because our minds have a way of making us feel “in the right” for our own hate and bitterness toward someone. We have to re-train our brains to not dwell on bitterness, but rather, dwell on the things that are good (Philippians 4:8-9). When we think about the things that are good instead of the things that caused our bitterness, we will slowly be able to bring peace back into our lives.
God doesn’t want us to live a life of bitterness and irritability. Irritability will only cause our loved ones to feel hurt and begin to drift away from us. We can’t control the things that happen to us, but we can control the way we respond to them. You are bitter for a reason, and this reason is completely valid. However, it is important you learn to let go of this bitterness in order for true healing to start. If you choose to continue holding onto the bitterness, it will only make you feel worse.
3. You Hurt Others More Easily
A third sign you are bitter is if you hurt others more easily. I know whenever I am feeling particularly bitter, I have a hard time controlling my emotions and it causes me to say things that hurt others. Rather than thinking through before I say what I want to say, I speak without a filter, and sometimes, this can be really hurtful. This is why it is important for us to let go of bitterness because it will only cause hurt for you as well as others in the long run.
Hurting others more easily can destroy relationships and cause lasting damage. Bitterness fills up our hearts and can consume us from the inside out. We cannot allow bitterness to keep causing us more problems. It is vitally important that we weed out the bitterness in our hearts and replace it with love, forgiveness, and kindness. We might think our own personal bitterness doesn’t hurt anyone when it actually has hurt numerous loved ones in our lives.
A word spoken out of turn or a hurtful remark can really hurt someone. When we allow bitterness to cause us to hurt others more easily, we are only inflicting harm. Bitterness has a way of causing not only the individual to feel miserable but also everyone around them. It is our responsibility as believers to let go of the bitterness because it serves us no purpose. All it does is cause even more pain in our lives.
4. Dwelling on Past Hurts
A fourth sign you are bitter is if you are dwelling on past hurts. I dwell on past hurts many times throughout the week. They show up in my mind and before I know it, I’m in a negative, downward spiral of bitterness. The rising bitterness in my heart demonstrates to me that I have never really moved past these hurts from long ago. As much as I would like to say that past hurts don’t hurt me anymore, they actually do and can cause bitterness to rise in my heart on any day of the week.
Maybe this resonates with you and you’ve noticed how bitterness raises its ugly head after you remember a past hurt. The past hurt would only come to mind because you have not fully let it go. If you have noticed this to be true, try to give all of the hurt over to God. Ask Him to help you not dwell on these past hurts and to instead move forward in the healing process. God doesn’t want you to live a life of bitterness and pain. He wants you to have life and to have it to the fullest (John 10:10).
The pain that you have in your heart is valid. Never should anyone invalidate your pain. For many of us, an invalidation of our pain causes us to develop bitterness in the first place. Don’t allow this to happen, even if others invalidate your pain. Your pain is valid, and God sees it. He knows your hurts and your scars. Not one of them is forgotten by Him. It’s time to put the armor down and give all the bitterness, past hurts, and past pains to God. He will help you truly move past bitterness.
Vivian Bricker loves Jesus, studying the Word of God, and helping others in their walk with Christ. She has earned a Bachelor of Arts and Master’s degree in Christian Ministry with a deep academic emphasis in theology. Her favorite things to do are spending time with her family and friends, reading, and spending time outside. When she is not writing, she is embarking on other adventures.
Congratulations! You just got married. The past few months have been a whirlwind of planning, decisions, and the amazing big day. The first few months of marriage are great. You’re still in the honeymoon phase and gloriously in love. Soon, you will settle into your everyday lives and routines, which can be when things get tricky.
By tricky, I mean adjusting to each other and learning what it’s like to live with someone. You learn each other’s quirks, habits, and idiosyncrasies, and if you have been an only child your whole life, this can be tough. The first year of marriage can be difficult, but it doesn’t have to be a war zone. Here are some tips for your first year of marriage.
1. Enjoy the Honeymoon Phase
The first few months of your marriage, you are in the honeymoon phase. This is the phase where you are still high off the emotions from your wedding, and everything is great.
You greet each other at the door at night, stay up late talking, and think each other hung the moon. This is a very special time in a marriage, and chances are you may get teased (in love and friendship, of course) by friends and family because of how in love you are. Does this mean your marriage is going downhill once you’re out of this phase? Of course not. This is just a very special time that needs to be enjoyed and savored.
You will probably argue a bit in your first year of marriage. Does this mean you are incompatible? No, not at all. It’s all part of adjusting to another person and how they do things. It’s part of learning about each other and learning to compromise.
3. If You Argue, Apologize
If you argue, always apologize. It’s not healthy to hold grudges or get mad at each other. Instead, talk it out, apologize to each other, and move on.
4. Give Each Other Grace
Everyone makes mistakes or does something wrong now and then. Instead of being mad or frustrated, give each other grace. What does this mean? It means recognizing that we are all in progress and that life is a process. We also need to recognize that we need God’s help to grow and change. He gives us grace every day; therefore, we need to give grace to our spouses.
Living together is a change, so help each other out. If you work opposite shifts, one person can prep for dinner, and the other can cook it. Before 6 pm on Sunday evening, fill up both you and your wife’s cars with gas so that you are both ready for the next day. If one of you gets home earlier than the other, throw in a load or two of laundry mid-week so it’s not a chore over the weekend. Things like that.
6. Compliment Each Other
Compliments go a long way, and I’m not just talking about how someone looks. Think about it; everyone has their own way of doing things, and you have to adjust to how your spouse does things.
If your spouse folds a load of towels and puts them away in the linen closet, compliment them about how good it looks. Compliment your spouse about how good it looks, even if they put the towels in the wrong place. If your wife irons your shirts, even if they aren’t quite the same way you would do it, compliment her on her effort.
7. Don’t Talk to Your Friends or Family about Your Problems
Try not to talk to your friends and family about your problems. This can lead to issues with people butting their heads in where it doesn’t belong and can lead to family tension. Work them out with your spouse the best you can.
I think the only exception to this is if something serious is going on, like abuse. Then, you should reach out to friends and family to get help.
8. Never Talk about Your Sex Life to Other People
This should go without saying, but I have known people who have done this. Your intimate life with your spouse is between you and you alone. Sharing your intimate life with others is inappropriate because it is very personal. When you share it, you show deep disrespect for your spouse.
Life is busy, so take some time out each day and spend time together. This could be coffee, bible study, and prayer in the morning. This could be watching a favorite show in the evening. It could be walking the dog together and discussing your day. Spending appointed time together will only strengthen your bond with each other.
10. Surprise Each Other
Surprising each other is fun and doesn’t have to be anything huge. If you stop at the gas station, pick up a bottle of your spouse’s favorite soda. Do some research and surprise them with an event they would like. This could be a local concert or a local art show. Buy them that new book or video game they have been wanting just because.
Surprising your spouse with something small after an especially long day is great.
When you’re newly married, it’s easy to only want to spend time with each other. However, it’s important to keep your social bonds strengthened, too. Make plans to go out on a double date with another couple, or each of you spend some time with your own friends for an afternoon.
12. Speak Your Mind
When you are first married and in the honeymoon phase, you don’t want to say anything to upset your spouse. However, it’s important to speak your mind. You don’t have to be mean or rude, but if something bothers you, it’s best to say so. If you don’t, it will build and build until one day you explode, and your poor spouse does not know where it’s coming from.
This way, you and your spouse can discuss it and find a solution to the problem.
13. Learn to Compromise
Compromise is something that has to be learned in a new marriage. Keep in mind that you are still getting used to living together and what that entails. Marriage cannot be about what one specific person wants. It takes give and take and compromise.
For example, you want to clean the apartment on Saturday, but he wants to play a few basketball games with friends. The apartment needs cleaning, but he also deserves to have time with his friends after a long week at work. Instead of arguing about it, choose a specific time frame to clean the apartment together so that he can still go hang out with friends. You could clean the apartment from 8 to 11:00 am, and then he would still have time to clean up and meet the guys at noon.
Always keep your communication open. Set aside time in your day to talk to each other besides over dinner. Text each other during the day. Leave each other notes and reminders. Add important dates and events to each other’s computer and phone calendars. This way, communication flows freely, and everyone is on the same page.
15. Pray for Each Other
Take personal time each day and pray for each other. This can be difficult because life can get so hectic. Pray for your spouse in the shower, while making the kids lunches (if you have kids), walking the dog, getting dressed, before you leave your driveway in the morning, etc. You could also spend a few minutes together before getting out of bed to pray for each other as well.
This is one of the most important things you can do for your spouse. One of my favorite movies is War Room. It is about a wife who learns to pray for her husband and family instead of fighting with them. It is a great example of what praying for your spouse should look like.
16. Spend Time in the Word
Spending time in the Word of God is important to any marriage, but it is especially important in the first year of marriage. Why? The Bible is our compass and gives us direction on how we should live and what we should do.
It gives specific instructions for married couples and celebrates the union of marriage. Both husbands and wives should spend time in their Bible and with the Lord daily. Because of our hectic lifestyles, getting together and reading the Bible during the week may be hard. Instead, spend some time together reading the Bible on the weekend.
17. Attend Church
Attending church is important during the first phase of marriage as well. Regularly attending church provides the opportunity to learn God’s Word and to be surrounded by other Christian married couples who can offer words of wisdom if needed.
The first year of marriage is a learning experience. There will be ups, downs, and in-between. You will experience many years of wedded bliss if you keep the Lord and each other as your focus and follow the Bible as your guide.
The views and opinions expressed in this podcast are those of the speakers and do not necessarily reflect the views or positions of Salem Web Network and Salem Media Group.
As a parent, you are an architect of the next generation. With all that is wrong in the world, your job is vital to influence for Christ the moral fiber of the next generation, beginning with your children. Find mentors, be a mentor, and prepare yourself to homeschool without regrets.
“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen” (Ephesians 4:29).
Lots of Bible verses address the issue of communication, and with good reason. We were designed by God to be relational, both with Him and other people. And the words we use, whether spoken or written, have the power to help knit us together or push us apart.
Throughout Scripture, the Lord lays out a purpose for connecting with others that goes beyond simple interaction. Through our conversations and correspondences we are meant to be a light for Him in the world around us, helping others to see His mercy. That is a wonderful ministry each of us are called to take part in.
Taking time to discover more about God’s will for us in this area is valuable. So, here is a sampling of passages to think about, study and memorize.
14 Verses about Healthy Communication from Proverbs
The book of Proverbs offers plenty of good instruction for anyone who wants to communicate better. Certain verses compare healthy and unhealthy speech habits, and the results of each. Some show how our words reflect the state of our hearts. And many describe the healing power of relating in a healthy way.
Proverbs 10:19 – “Sin is not ended by multiplying words, but the prudent hold their tongues.”
Proverbs 12:18 – “The words of the reckless pierce like swords, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.”
Proverbs 12:25 – “Anxiety weighs down the heart, but a kind word cheers it up.”
Proverbs 15:1 – “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”
Proverbs 15:2 – “The tongue of the wise adorns knowledge, but the mouth of the fool gushes folly.”
Proverbs 15:4 – “The soothing tongue is a tree of life, but a perverse tongue crushes the spirit.”
Proverbs 16:13 – “Kings take pleasure in honest lips; they value the one who speaks what is right.”
Proverbs 16:23 – “The hearts of the wise make their mouths prudent, and their lips promote instruction.”
Proverbs 16:24 – “Gracious words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.”
Proverbs 18:2 “Fools find no pleasure in understanding but delight in airing their own opinions.”
Proverbs 18:13 – “To answer before listening — that is folly and shame.”
Proverbs 18:21 – “The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.”
Proverbs 20:3 – “It is to one’s honor to avoid strife, but every fool is quick to quarrel.”
Proverbs 29:11 – “Fools give full vent to their rage, but the wise bring calm in the end.”
5 Verses about Healthy Communication from Psalms
The writers of Psalms expressed worship directly to the Lord. And they recognized that making our communications to others gracious and good is also part of giving Him honor. King David often meditated on this. He asked God to stay close and equip him every day in this area; we can, too.
Psalm 15:1-3 – “Who may live on your holy mountain? The one whose walk is blameless, who does what is righteous, who speaks the truth from their heart; whose tongue utters no slander, who does no wrong to a neighbor, and casts no slur on others…”
Psalm 19:14 – “May these words of my mouth and this meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer.”
Psalm 39:1 – “I said, ‘I will watch my ways and keep my tongue from sin…”
Psalm 49:3 – “My mouth will speak words of wisdom; the meditation of my heart will give you understanding.”
Psalm 141:3 – “Set a guard over my mouth, Lord; keep watch over the door of my lips.”
6 Verses about Healthy Communication from The New Testament
The Apostles learned many things about healthy communication from Jesus as they watched Him minister. He cautioned them to remember that their words and their attitudes had a deep connection:
“But the things that come out of a person’s mouth come from the heart…” (Matthew 15:18).
In Paul’s letters, he made a clear appeal to those who sought to follow Christ. He wrote that they should seek to show God’s love to others through their talk – smart advice for us as well.
Ephesians 4:25 – “Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor…”
Ephesians 5:4 – “Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place, but rather thanksgiving.”
Colossians 3:8 – “But now you must also rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips.”
Titus 3:2 – “…to slander no one, to be peaceable and considerate, and always to be gentle toward everyone.”
What Traits Lead to Better Communication?
In these verses, some qualities begin to stand out that will help us not only be healthy communicators, but good representatives of Him in our daily walk.
Sensitivity to Others
“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other…” (Ephesians 4:32).
Patience with Others
“My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry,because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires” (James 1:19-20).
Empathy Toward Others
“Finally, all of you, be like-minded, be sympathetic, love one another, be compassionate and humble” (1 Peter 3:8).
Wisdom as We Speak with Others
“The mouths of the righteous utter wisdom, and their tongues speak what is just” (Psalm 37:30).
As we practice more healthy ways of communicating, we’ll see benefits and blessings. For as it becomes more natural for us, we’ll share more of the good in ourselves, and play a part in bringing out the best in others.
“The mouth of the righteous is a fountain of life…” (Proverbs 10:11).
Heather Adams is an author, speaker, and singer living in Connecticut. Heather’s passion is to equip and encourage believers to seek more of God’s truth and to experience more of His joy each day. Her book, Bow Down: The Heart of a True Worshipper is a practical, 30-day devotional about worship based on the writings of King David. Heather’s blog, Worship Walk Ministries, offers weekly Scripture passages and insights to ponder. A native New Englander, Heather is settling into her home in the South, trying out local foods and watching for the alligators that live nearby!
It isn’t too hard to see that in today’s standard, the concept of marriage has changed and morphed into something very far from God’s design. People are hurting and grasping for love, any kind of love, as a means of validation and acceptance. However, the underbelly is ugly, as evil has become mingled and intertwined with the lustful ways of our sinful nature and flawed flesh.
The truth is our culture is in desperate need of hope and a reminder of the pure, real, and true love God offers. However, today, we see a movement drifting farther away from God’s love, giving way for the enemy to slink in and attack. Sadly, the evil plan unfolds right before our eyes as an all-out malicious attempt to sabotage God’s precious creation and rip apart the union of two souls tied together by a solemn vow. Due to this spiritual war on marriage, we can easily see the outcome, and the statistics are disturbing at best. Currently, the divorce rate for Christian couples is similar, if not higher, to that of non-believers. What is going on?
Oh friend, take heart. This is nothing new; the enemy has been plotting to destroy what God created to be good since day one. But, that being said, we must not slip into complacency and fail to recognize the sneaky ways of the enemy. Instead, let’s choose to protect our marriages by understanding the threats we face today and then bring our vulnerable hearts before God and our spouse, seeking ways to stand firm and fight back. Below, you will find nine unique threats that target Christian marriages in today’s culture. While this list isn’t inclusive, it should be a starting point in order to open up lines of communication with your spouse. There are also verses to offer hope and a few tips on how to fight for your marriage and seek hope.
It isn’t hard to see that the earth is groaning. We are living in the birthing pains, truly seeing history happen right before our eyes. As nations grow more and more tense towards one another, earthquakes, hurricanes, and massive wildfires wreak havoc all over the globe, and famine hits every country, it is all so disheartening. But the Bible is clear that this will happen leading up to the return of Jesus. So, while these times may be filled with uncertainty and may even bring on a tinge of concern, we must cling to the hope that Jesus offers us in 1 Thessalonians 4:16-17:
For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever.
In the meantime, before His return, it might be wise to prepare and set down some ground rules with your family in the event of an emergency or when a new calamity strikes. Don’t misunderstand; I am not telling you to prep for doomsday or Armageddon. Instead, I encourage you to ultimately trust God while you seek His wisdom and find ways to protect your family, especially as we see more and more weather disturbances and crises develop, affecting our food chain, finances, morals, and standard of living.
The truth of the matter is that these are unsettling times, but God tells us not to be anxious about anything (Philippians 4:6).
Keeping that in mind, as we prepare our survival plans, we should do our best to keep fear and anxiety out of the equation. This is merely a safety measure. However, if you tend to bend toward anxiety naturally, these times may add to your already tense tendencies. Having a plan in place will not only give you a sense of security, but it will offer a little peace as well.
So, are you ready to unpack and uncover some ways to develop and implement a survival plan with your family? If you are, then let’s get started. Below are seven crucial things to consider and a few ways to prepare. I pray that we never have to utilize these plans, but in the awful event that we do, may we find that our preparedness allowed us to keep our families safe.
Does your stomach ever knot when you walk into a room full of strangers, especially when you feel they possess greater intelligence, wealth, or success? Do you often find yourself replaying certain conversations in your head, worried you said something wrong or were misunderstood? When engaging with some individuals, do you tend to withhold your opinion or present a filtered version of yourself for fear that someone will think less of, exclude, ostracize, or abandon you?
I can relate to each of those scenarios, and I know I’m far from alone. In fact, according to mental health experts, fear of rejection is one of humanity’s deepest, most common, and most insidious fears. This makes sense as we all have a God-given need for belonging and acceptance. To feel fully known, seen, understood, and completely loved. When we enjoy that level of connection, our souls thrive.
Therefore, it’s understandable why so many people experience shame, anxiety, and increased insecurity when they feel discounted, dismissed, or condemned. Obviously, we can’t avoid such painful encounters entirely. We can, however, protect ourselves and strengthen our hearts for the blows that will, unfortunately, come.
While I’m far from proficient in this area, I’ve learned a great deal about what it means to live as the chosen, empowered, and priceless child of God Scripture states I am. May what I share here help you embrace every situation with increased confidence.
1. Selectively Choose with Whom You Spend the Most Time
We all can probably think of that one person around whom we feel inferior or insecure. Perhaps they have a biting sense of humor or frequently bash our personality, choices, or appearance. Maybe they often ignore us and behave as if we’re not worth their time. This can trigger defensive behaviors within us that can easily lead to increased shame. In our desire for acceptance, we might become “clingy,” thereby potentially pushing the person further away while augmenting our self-doubt.
It’s hard to develop emotional strength and a solid Christ-centered identity when one constantly feels under attack. Therefore, in our pursuit of confidence, we might need to remove ourselves or dramatically decrease our interactions with some individuals while we work on ourselves. In some instances, such as when dealing with toxic or abusive individuals, wisdom may necessitate severing contact permanently. In other circumstances, however, with therapy and healing, we may eventually be able to build a safe and mutually satisfying relationship with the person from whom we’ve distanced ourselves.
Meanwhile, we can counter shame and increase our resilience by regularly interacting with those who respond to our presence with joy and delight. Who greets you with a wide smile and a listening ear? Who makes you laugh when you’re feeling down? If you find none of your friends fill this role, prayerfully consider cultivating a relationship with someone who radiates the light of Christ. It might take time to build these types of connections, but trust God to guide you step by step, interaction by interaction, and day by day.
He understands the deepest cries of your heart and has promised to meet all your needs.
Psalm 68:6 states, “God sets the lonely in families, he leads out the prisoners with singing …” We receive this eternal, immutable blessing through faith in Jesus Christ, His Son. According to Ephesians 2:4-5, “For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us for adoption to sonship through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will—” (NIV, emphasis mine).
He placed you in His supernaturally connected, global family, in part, so that you would feel seen, known, and valued—by Him and others.
2. Ask for God’s Perspective
Most if not all of us view others, our world, and ourselves through a distorted lens. Past hurts, negative self-talk, and lies we’ve absorbed can cause us to expect rejection. We’ve probably also all had times when we’ve felt offended or hurt by someone else’s behavior that had little or nothing to do with us.
You may have heard the phrase, “Hurt people hurt people.” Let’s consider how this has been revealed in our behavior. When we are stressed, anxious, sad, or depressed we’re more apt to become easily irritated and less inclined to cushion our words with gentleness and grace. We also tend to become more self-absorbed.
This is true for everyone we encounter. When someone acts unkind, their retorts or dismissal probably stem from their unhealed hurts, mental state, and present challenges. Healthy and genuinely happy individuals tend to be life-giving, not draining or damaging.
Often, the tension we sense stems from two individuals with faulty perceptions and bruised souls each taking the other’s behavior personally. In other words, the other person may feel as rejected by us as we do by them. We’ve all got planks in our eyes that distort our vision. This is why it’s so important to seek God’s perfect wisdom. He’s the only One who sees every situation and heart clearly. He’ll guide us to greater freedom and the sense of belonging we crave.
3. Prayerfully Seek the Roots of Your Fears
For years, I felt notably sensitive and vulnerable around one particular individual. Initially, I attributed my discomfort to our challenging and at times tumultuous history. But as I began to pray over our interactions and continued to work on myself, I realized a good deal of my reaction came from wounds I’d experienced as a child.
As I sought God’s guidance, He drew me to John 13:1-3. This reads:
“It was just before the Passover Festival. Jesus knew that the hour had come for him to leave this world and go to the Father. Having loved his own who were in the world, he loved them to the end. The evening meal was in progress, and the devil had already prompted Judas, the son of Simon Iscariot, to betray Jesus. 3 Jesus knew that the Father had put all things under his power, and that he had come from God and was returning to God;” (NIV).
In the verses that follow, Jesus humbled Himself to wash His disciples’ feet—Judas’ included! And He did this knowing one of them would deny Him and they all would abandon Him. Yet, as verse one states, “He loved them to the end,” or as some translations phrase it, “to the uttermost.” The words preceding this tell us how. Jesus knew who He was, why He’d come (His purpose), and where He was headed.
He didn’t have an identity problem nor did He battle the self-defeating effects of shame.
I wanted to love like that. I wanted to be so whole and secure in myself that I remained strong and confident, regardless of who I was with or how others behaved. God showed me that to reach that state, I needed to seek out the source of my inner angst. This has become an ongoing process where Christ brings me to deeper levels of freedom with every layer of injury He reveals and then heals.
4. Spend Consistent Time in God’s Presence
According to Dr. Curt Thompson, a neuroscientist, psychiatrist, and host of the Being Known Podcast, we can rewire our brains to experience increased connection and joy. In his book, the Soul of Shame, he wrote, “But in the Trinity we see something that we must pay attention to: God does not leave. The loving relationship shared between Father, Son and Spirit is the ground on which all other models of life and creativity rest. In this relationship of constant self-giving, vulnerable and joyful love, shame has no oxygen to breathe” (emphasis mine).
My therapist encourages me to reflect deeply upon times when I’ve sensed God’s presence. To visualize those moments in my mind—where I was, what I was doing, what I felt—and to journal upon them. As I do, I experience Him afresh and am reminded that I rest eternally in His perfect love.
Throughout Scripture, He’s promised to never leave us or forsake us. In the original Hebrew, one could say that He’ll never turn His back or release His grip on us. He’s always watching us, moving toward us, and holding onto us—in love. As we reflect upon these truths, His love begins to cast out our fears.
We realize that, while we might, on occasion, feel rejected, that’s far from the truth. Because in Christ we’re chosen, adopted, cherished, accepted, and we belong.
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Jennifer Slattery is a writer and speaker who hosts the Faith Over Fear podcast. She’s addressed women’s groups, Bible studies, and writers across the nation. She’s the author of Building a Family and numerous other titles and maintains a devotional blog at JenniferSlatteryLivesOutLoud.com.
When I was new to this whole marriage thing and still learning about my husband, I attended a women’s Bible Study entitled, “How to be a Godly Wife.” Feeling that I needed so much help in this area, I got to soak up a wealth of information from some pretty incredible women. When we got to the topic of praying for our husbands, one story in particular stood out to me. This sweet woman shared how she kneeled down to pray by the backdoor every day when her husband left for work. That is until, one day, he forgot his wallet and came rushing back into the house, swinging open the door and slamming her head so hard it gave her a concussion. Ouch! Talk about a powerful prayer!
The moral of the story is this: our prayers are powerful, but if you kneel down to pray and close your eyes, just be a little aware of your surroundings. Her words, not mine – ha! But, in all honesty, I share her story to tell you that I was truly amazed (and am still amazed) at this woman’s dedication and devotion to her husband and, more importantly, to her God!
Friend, I will be the first to admit that I am not the best at praying diligently for my hubby. In fact, last night, as we crawled into bed and our heads hit the pillow, he let out a big sigh (we have teens, and it was a rough night). I rolled over and asked how I could pray for him. His initial response was a chuckle. I’m assuming he thought I was being sarcastic after we had a meltdown mere minutes ago with our oldest daughter. But, after a moment of thinking, he said this… “Pray that I am being obedient to God, that I serve my family well, and that I gain just a little wisdom and discernment.” Then he added, “Because sometimes I feel like I am failing.”
My heart sort of melted. In a sense, I felt like I had failed him. The bottom line is this – our husbands desperately need our prayers, every single day. They are faced with so many trials that come with a society that is downplaying their God-given roles, stealing away their ability to be the men they were created to be, and tripping them up at every turn. When we pray for them, and better yet, let them know we are praying for them (or ask how we can pray for them), it gives them the courage to fight against all the brutal attacks that come their way.
So, will you join me in lifting up our dear husbands and covering them in prayer? Find a “safe spot” and pour out your heart, then cover your sweet guy with the most powerful weapon you have!
A Prayer for Obedience
“Peter and the other apostles replied: ‘We must obey God rather than human beings!’” Acts 5:29
God, thank you for my husband. I lift him up to You today. Please extend Your loving presence, and move in his life in a mighty way, teaching Him the ways in which You are calling him to live. I pray that he will soak in Your Word and listen to You with an open heart, choosing to be obedient and follow You with his whole heart. Amen.
A Prayer to Serve His Family
“The father of a righteous child has great joy; a man who fathers a wise son rejoices in him.” Proverbs 23:24
O Lord, I praise You for my husband. He is a good man and faithful husband and father. Please fill him with Your goodness and give him the strength to continue to serve his family well, especially when times get hard and he feels discouraged. Grant me the ability to speak love into his life and encourage him to find joy and rejoice in You as we raise our family together. Amen.
A Prayer for Wisdom and Discernment
“If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.” James 1:5
Father, You are all-knowing and wise, holding every single detail of our lives in Your hands. I pray that You give my sweet husband a heart that yearns to hand over his entire life to You, accepting Your will and way for His life. I pray that You would make his path so clear, that it gives him full confidence to walk in it. Grant him the ability to turn away from what is wrong and seek wise counsel and discernment when it comes to his family, career, and life-changing moments. Amen.
A Prayer to Walk in Humility
“He has shown you, O mortal, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.” Micah 6:8
Jesus, I come to You with an open heart and pray that my husband will humble himself before You. I pray that You renew his mind to not seek after the ways of the world or selfish ambition, but rather to do what is good in Your eyes and to act justly. I ask that You soften his heart to serve others by generously showing mercy and help him to lean into Your promises, reminding him that You supply our every need. Amen.
A Prayer to Guard His Heart and Mind
“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:6-7
Lord, You tell us not to be anxious about anything, but oftentimes I grow concerned about the enemy’s agenda to attack marriages today. So, I humbly submit my sweet husband to You. Please protect him and guard his heart and mind from the temptations of this world. Remove any sinful paths or lustful thoughts and grant him the courage and self-control to reject all evil and cling to what is good, just, right, and true. Amen.
A Prayer for Fellowship
“And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another – and all the more as you see the Day approaching.” Hebrews 10:24-25
Faithful Father, I am so thankful that You created us for community to have support and accountability. Please place men in my husband’s life who will encourage him to be a godly man, husband, and father. Give him the courage to show a little vulnerability with trusted men who will offer ways to grow his faith and provide wise counsel. Spark a passion within him that will allow him to be discipled while, in turn, giving him opportunities to disciple other men. Amen.
A Prayer for Leadership
“Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be courageous; be strong. Do everything in love.” 1 Corinthians 16:13-14
God, If I were being honest, it pains me when my husband feels like he is ill-equipped or unable to carry out the roles You have laid before him. The lies are often very loud, and he entertains them, as we all do. Please draw near and help him stand firm on the truth that You call him to lovingly lead, provide, and protect his family with integrity and a servant’s heart. And God, please help me be the helper and teammate he needs, so with You, we can do this life together. Amen.
A Prayer for Provision
“And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:19
Lord, You are so faithful, and your goodness overflows. We thank you for the many blessings You have so graciously given our family. Please lead and direct my husband as the provider of our home and help him make wise choices regarding our blessings and finances. Give him the heart to use the gifts You have given us to take care of the needs of our family as well as bless others. I ask this in Your holy name Amen.
My Prayer for YOU
Dear God, I lift up the sweet woman who is laying eyes on this right now and striving to find meaningful prayers to cover her husband. I pray that You come alongside her and give her the courage to place her heart, worries, and requests at Your feet. Help her seek You first and foremost, handing over any heavy burdens or expectations she longs for her husband to fulfill, realizing her worth, value, and identity come from You alone. Soften her heart to see her husband the way You do, open up lines of communication so that they can connect on a deeper level, and bring Your everlasting and unexplainable peace upon their marriage as they come in and out of various seasons of this life. You are such a good Father; thank you for the beautiful gift of marriage. Amen.
Alicia Searl is a devotional author, blogger, and speaker that is passionate about pouring out her heart and pointing ladies of all ages back to Jesus. She has an education background and master’s in literacy. Her favorite people call her Mom, which is why much of her time is spent cheering them on at a softball game or dance class. She is married to her heartthrob (a tall, spiky-haired blond) who can whip up a mean latte. She sips that goodness while writing her heart on a page while her puppy licks her feet. Visit her website at aliciasearl.com and connect with her on Instagram and Facebook.
“The heart is deceitful above all things” is laid out in Jeremiah 17:9; many of us have found that statement to be the truth and reality in the way of romance. The story for many of us in following our hearts is that the result is not a happily ever after but loneliness, heartbreak, and despair. With that being the case for so many stories, where then can we find our hope to go on, and can God really give us a second chance in love?
It is a common phrase on journals and coffee mugs, and it is a common action that we, as headstrong humans, take the metaphorical pen into our own hands to write our own story, to design our own lives as we see fit. No one sets out to write a tragedy in their own life, and no one desires to see things go amuck, but often the result of taking that pen into your own hand is an unhappy ending. We live in a fallen world, and as such, sin and temptation can enter the scene, resulting in an outcome we did not foresee or account for when we took said pen. That leads us to question, is the story over yet? Can God redeem even this?
When God Writes the Story
Psalm 37:4 is another common coffee mug phrase, but one that holds real hope that can result in dreams come true. The dreams that come true are not limited to what you can dream up or imagine but can be far greater, for they are the dreams of the Dream Giver and Dream Maker. In Psalm 37:4, the Psalmist conveys to “delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart,” which we must flesh out to properly understand and take into action. When we delight ourselves in the Lord, we are no longer limiting ourselves to the finite boundaries of our own understanding. We are surrendering over our hearts, minds, and wills to the only One we can truly trust: God. Delighting in God means finding our hope and salvation not in the things of this earth or what we may receive on the other side but rather in the exuberant and incomparable joy that is knowing our Creator intimately. It is then that we allow Him to shift and change our hearts to desire that which He plants in our hearts to desire and wait in hopeful expectation that He will bring forward fruit from those seeds. When God writes the story, there is also a peace that is deeply within that the marriage of His will and His best is one and the same.
Redeeming What Was Lost
For many of us, the idea of receiving God’s best after such a mess seems like a faraway concept that could never be a reality, but with God, all things are possible. Romans 8:28 inspires us with great hope in sharing, “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who[a] have been called according to his purpose.”
God can work in all things, not just the ones we consider redeemable, worthy, or fixable. Even the worst acts we have committed, even the messiest stories we have held a role in, and even the ugliest stories can be redeemed and used when God enters the scene. Nothing is far enough beyond His reach for use, nothing at all. This can also be true of love, but can you believe that to be the case for you too?
Restoring What Was Lost
Recently when I was in church, I felt a gentle whisper offer a verse to me to consider and ponder in my heart, Joel 2:25. Joel 2:25 offers, “I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten.” I felt challenged to ask myself if I believe that God can redeem, restore, and rebuild what has been eaten in my life. Although I do not know your story, I can attest in my own that there have been mistakes made, I have trusted the wrong people, and I have had deeply precious things stolen from me over the years. In that verse and in that musing within my heart, I felt an invitation not to let that which has been taken, misused, or destroyed be the final word, but instead to allow God into those tender and broken places within my own life and story. God wants to redeem all things, restore all things, and repay all losses in your life, even the things we consider eternal losses.
Setting the Order Right
How can we then allow God to fix what has been so terribly broken or lost? We must begin with setting the order of things right by giving God back His proper place as first. God ought to be our first love, for if He is not first, He is last. If we place anything before God, be it a relationship, person, or desire, if it comes before God, it is an idol. The thing about idolatry is once one thing comes between you and God, the list will go on and on, so God becomes last on the list. Before anything else, we must return to that heart’s cry of a return to Eden in a deeply intimate one-on-one relationship with God, where He is forever and always first. Once there, then in His way, in His timing, and by His hand, all other aspects and pieces of life will be put into place because He is the writer and story maker. You will also find that your joy no longer depends on something you may lose, for you will never lose the Lord. He is the Rock Eternal, where you can place all hope and trust. Let God be first and see all that comes after being set into the proper place.
Will you let God have the pen to write your happily ever after? When it comes to human relationships, God knows what His best is for you and who you really need. If God can fashion Eve as a custom-fit rib and help mate for Adam, can He not do the same for you? Even if you have found yourself married before and divorced, even if you have given away aspects of yourself and even your own name, believe that God can restore and redeem, it is not too far gone. Ask God to forgive you for the mistakes you made without Him and instead give you what He desires to give you. Ask God who He considers His best for you, and boldly trust Him as He directs and guides you moving forward, even if it doesn’t all make sense and even if it takes a bold leap of faith. Your story isn’t too far gone, and it is not over yet, but can you believe that for yourself, can you forgive yourself, and can you allow God to write your ending? For with God, all things are possible, and with God happily ever after is already a truth because He is our happiest ever after of all.
Cally Logan is an author and US History teacher from Richmond, Virginia. In her free time, she enjoys mentoring youth and spending time in nature. She is the author of Hang on in There, Girl! and Dear Future Husband: A Love Letter Journey While Waiting for God’s Best. Check her out on Instagram and Twitter, @CallyLogan and TikTok Cally_Logan.
Question: Is it appropriate to ask someone if you can look at their phone/messages? I want to build trust in my relationship with a person who has a history of cheating/addiction in [a] previous marriage. Also some mistreatment towards me but not cheating as far as I know. I struggle with knowing what’s appropriate to ask but the lingering feeling of wanting to see it doesn’t go away. We’ve known each other for years and have been dating for one year. – E
I empathize. Relationships are tricky.
But let’s see if I get the gist of your quandary. Your partner was untrustworthy in a previous relationship and has mistreated you. Still, you wish to develop more trust in this individual.
Also—and here’s where I’m reading between the lines—you’re thinking trust-building can happen through perusing your significant other’s phone.
Except you’re not sure if it’s okay to do so.
First of all, yes, I agree that if you wish to inspect someone else’s property, you can’t do it without proper permission. Then again, doing so can also stir things up. Your partner might respond with resentment. You might hear retorts of “How dare you!”, “How could you?”, “Why?”, and before you realize it, a new squabble is daring you to tame it.
But even if you manage to sidestep the above fight and receive a go-ahead instead, this approach poses another problem.
Who’s to say the phone won’t be handed to you only after it has experienced a thorough purging from anything incriminating?
Lovers aren’t the only ones who wonder about trust. Whether with regard to a breathtaking romance, business acquaintance, or blood relative, this question can bob up.
How can you tell if someone is trustworthy?
Below are 4 questions that can help you determine the answer:
1. Is There History?
Psychology proposes that the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. So, there’s some merit to holding a question mark when someone acted in a problematic way but claims that he or she is now reformed.
Just like E’s question above, her significant other proved deceitful in a prior relationship, so E feels guarded in case there are current indiscretions she’s unaware of.
At the same time, underline this important piece of information: E was not cheated against.
In your quest to determine whether so-and-so is worth your trust, please don’t forget that people have the capacity to grow. It is possible for addicts to maintain sobriety. Cheaters can change.
2. What Does Your Gut Say?
E told us “the lingering feeling of wanting to see [her partner’s phone] doesn’t go away.” I’m a licensed clinical psychologist, so I respect emotions and all of their cousins, including gut instincts and lingering feelings. I’m glad you do too, E. If you didn’t, you probably would’ve dismissed the urge to inspect the phone.
But what are we to do with these feelings?
Per Internal Family Systems (IFS), the therapy I do in my private practice, we can address our feelings—or parts, as they’re known in the IFS community—and facilitate lasting breakthroughs. In your case, E, it means finding out if there is any part of you that knows of any actionable intel about your significant other. Have you picked up any evidence of untrustworthiness, albeit unconsciously?
To get there, focus on the lingering feeling to scrutinize your partner’s phone and ask it directly. “Why do you want me to do this?”
Don’t devise the answer yourself. Just watch for what arises.
If the answer is vague—maybe along the lines of “Not sure. I just have a sneaking suspicion that something fishy is going on”—then let’s place a mental asterisk here. Hold this thought for later.
3. Have You Healed?
Asking yourself “Why do I need to see my partner’s phone?” might reveal another angle. If your history includes being betrayed—including by more than just romantic partners—it makes sense if a part of you has developed a sensitivity to sniff out possible improprieties in your intimate relationships.
Note that the hurt didn’t have to be done directly against you to activate this vigilance. For instance, if you watched one of your parents abandon the other, you might have grown up with a part that swore to never let a similar heartbreak happen to you.
The point is to aim the searchlight at your inner world and explore. Are there emotional wounds that are still tender to the touch? Have you healed from relational hurt, no matter who the perpetrator was?
(Please allow me to put in a parenthetical plug for psychotherapy here. Therapy helps, but don’t just pick the first therapist with an opening. Not every therapy modality carries the same potential to heal. For instance—and this comes from someone who switched her own theoretical orientation—I’ve found IFS to be superior to any other modalities, including the more popular ones. That’s why I recommend finding a certified IFS therapist near you.)
But back to our topic. Because emotional pain distorts our view of the world, the more healed we are, the more clarity we have in appraising others’ trustworthiness. With past hurt clouding our lens, it’s easy to assume the worst when really, there could be an innocent explanation behind a seemingly suspicious behavior.
4. Have You Asked God?
Hebrews 4:13 explains how “nothing in all creation is hidden from God’s sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him to whom we must give account.” The Creator, who crafted each of our hearts, also has a clear view of every living being.
So, if you haven’t consulted the Almighty about whether or not your significant other is trustworthy, I’d pause everything and prioritize this.
Ask Him also if He thinks inspecting your partner’s phone would be a good idea. This is based on James 1:5: “if any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.”
However, the topic of seeking the Lord carries with it the issue of how to ascertain it’s His voice we’re hearing. This is another reason I love IFS. Practicing the model enables me to distinguish the Lord’s voice from that of my own soul.
Open Communication
Remember the mental asterisk from before?
If the urge to examine your partner’s phone has to do with your partner—because you have this unshakeable, unsettling sense about the latter—then it’s time for a heart-to-heart.
Especially if your answer to question #4 above is yes. As in yes, you asked the Lord about your partner’s trustworthiness and yet, the Almighty cautioned you to guard your heart around the person.
The good news is close relationships, including in dating situations, thrive on open communication concerning each partner’s needs.
Including and especially the emotional kind.
You and your honey have the right to discuss ways to meet your needs as a couple. Sometimes a hearty negotiation and compromise are required before both parties feel satisfied, but the point is, it’s okay to humbly present your request to inspect your partner’s phone.
The more transparent and vulnerable you are with explaining your rationale, the more likely you’d avoid the sorry scenario I sketched earlier—of irking your partner and instigating a new argument. Remember, “a soft and gentle and thoughtful answer turns away wrath, but harsh and painful and careless words stir up anger” (Proverbs 15:1, AMP).
Don’t forget to pray, ideally together, before launching this discussion.
Audrey Davidheiser, PhD is a California licensed psychologist, certified Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapist, and IFSI-approved clinical consultant. After founding and directing a counseling center for the Los Angeles Dream Center, she now devotes her practice to survivors of trauma—including spiritual abuse. If you need her advice, visit her on www.aimforbreakthrough.comand Instagram @DrAudreyD. Disclaimer: her advice column isn’t therapy.
Thank you for the groom. Thank you for giving him a heart that beats for you, and is committed to pursuing a relationship in a way that brings You honor and glory. Lord, we ask that You have Your hand of protection over him as he begins the next chapter of his life. Fill him with wisdom, strength, and affection for his bride. Help him to live a life that is truthful, virtuous, and bold for the Gospel. Make him a godly, servant leader in his home and in his community. Help him to grow in the Fruits of the Spirit, and to be conformed to the image and example of Christ.
Lord, we ask that you teach him how to love his wife as You love your church. Build him up in knowledge, so that he can be the spiritual head of his house. We also ask that you fill him with compassion, empathy, and true love for his wife, and that he will delight in her for the rest of their days. May he and his wife keep You at the forefront of their life, always.
Thank you for the bride. Thank you for leading her to her groom. We thank you that You helped her stay focused on the things of God, and that she will continue to do so. Lord, please protect the bride as she starts her new life. Fill her with love and respect for her groom as they embark on this new adventure called marriage. Help her to have integrity, goodness, and to stand firm in the truths of the Bible. Help her to lead by example both in her household and in her community. We want to see her grow closer to you in her marriage, and that she will continue to grow more like Jesus Christ every day.
Teach her how to be an industrious, loving wife who is submitted to her husband when he is doing your will, and able to speak truth to him when he is not. Grow her in grace, so that she may always represent you and her family well. We also desire to see her have compassion, empathy, and true love for her husband, so she may find peace and delight in him for the rest of their days. May she and her husband keep You at the forefront of their life, always.
You’ve gotten married—or you’re about to—and you’re embarking on that first year of marriage. You will experience so many adjustments, and whether you’re ready for them or not, they will come. Some say that the first year of marriage is the hardest. It’s the year you quickly discover all the hidden habits you didn’t know your significant other had. Oh, you thought you knew, but you really didn’t. Some of them can be annoying pet peeves, and others can be significant, but they’re there, nonetheless.
In addition to the unknowns coming into view, you also must become accustomed to sharing all over again. It’s like back in the day when you lived with a sibling, only this person claims equal rights to your belongings, and there’s no mom or dad in the corner to ring the bell for a time-out during the fight.
Then there are the unique nuances of not being your own entity. In other words, running to the grocery store on a whim for ice cream now comes with the factor that you should probably let your spouse know where you are going; they’ll probably ask why, and suddenly, your independent and relaxing outing to the store is added to with additional items or perhaps a sidekick who decides to come along and crash the party.
The fact is you are no longer single. You are not a solitary person moving on your own, living on your own, creating on your own, and being on your own. This can be a great thing! It can also challenge you in ways you weren’t expecting.
So, what tips for the first year of marriage can help you adjust and embrace the definition of being one-half of a whole?
Marriage is a beautiful journey filled with ups and downs, joys and challenges. At the core of a strong and thriving marriage lies a virtue that often goes unnoticed yet plays a vital role in fostering unity and safety: humility.
My wife, Jennifer, and I have discovered, through our own experiences, that humility is not just a quality but a necessity in building a strong marriage.
The Bible is filled with scriptures on humility that have guided our relationship:
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves (Philippians 2:3).
Humility is the fear of the Lord; its wages are riches and honor and life (Proverbs 22:4).
He has shown you, O mortal, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God (Micah 6:8).
These are just a few of the many scriptures that have been a powerful reminder for us to walk in humility, recognizing our need for Jesus and His love.
Let’s explore how humility leads to unity and safety, drawing from our personal story and the timeless wisdom of the Word of God.
The Power of Humility in Marriage
Humility is walking in the freedom from pride. It’s a modest view of oneself, a posture of submission and sacrifice. In our marriage, we’ve learned that humility is a potent way to draw near to each other and to God.
It’s about recognizing our imperfections and agreeing to be humble about them with each other. Rather than only seeing their weakness or failure we can have understanding, patience, and forgiveness since that is what we ourselves desire and know we need it just the same.
Walking in humility puts the interest of your spouse, above your own. It’s being willing to serve them and love them and give and give some more.
This should be no secret and no surprise, but when a spouse walks in humility, there can be more trust, love, and security in the marriage. Humility is non-negotiable.
Unity Through Humility
Unity is a beautiful picture of humility in action. A husband and wife, walking in humility, create a connection that goes beyond mere agreement or compromise.
Humility allows for more conversation, deeper understanding of your spouse, and the ability to truly lower yourself while raising your spouse up.
When both husband and wife do this, there is an amazing unity that begins to form where each person is in a pattern of putting their spouse above themselves.
In fact, unity is impossible with humility. You can’t be reconciled to God without humbling yourself before him and you cannot have unity with your spouse without putting some level of humility.
Safety Through Humility
There is deep safety in humility. It’s about creating an environment where both partners feel secure and valued.
Anytime I’ve known people with a kind of innate sense of pridefulness, who believe they are never wrong or can do no wrong, that produces a very unsafe and insecure relationship.
That pridefulness makes it nearly impossible to share your heart with them. In marriage, we have an opportunity to create a safe and secure environment where your spouse does not have to fear that your pride is going to get in the way of closeness and love.
Humility has been a powerful force in our marriage. It has diffused tensions, restored relationships, and brought light into our lives. Humility is something that lifts not just your spouse but your whole family up.
Building a strong marriage requires love and commitment, and humility is required for both. We have seen firsthand how humility leads to unity and safety in our relationship.
It’s a lifelong journey that must start with you praying and asking God to humble your heart before Him and asking him to teach you when and how to walk in a humble way with your spouse.
Aaron and Jennifer Smith recognize the beauty and power of how God designed every marriage unique. We are passionate about encouraging couples to set their eyes on God while boldly asking the question, “God, what can our marriage do for you?” In our books, we share personal stories of failure and victory from our own marriage while pointing to the wisdom in God’s Holy Word. We have been married for over 16 years and are currently raising five young children, and we are no strangers to the enemy’s attack on marriage. We hope to equip you to be prepared, inspired, and encouraged to live boldly, chasing after God’s purposes together. Ever since we got married, we have purposed to serve God and build His kingdom together. We blog, write books, and host a weekly podcast urging couples to say yes to God and to be used by God for His extraordinary purposes.
This article originally appeared on Christianity.com. For more faith-building resources, visit Christianity.com.
I once met a man who told me that his wife struggled with trust issues. Her struggle to trust had absolutely nothing to do with their marriage, but had been brought into their relationship from past trauma.
This man traveled for work regularly. While he was traveling, he would make a point to check in on his wife throughout the day. He admitted that he didn’t call her because he was lonely or necessarily missing her. He called because he knew that doing so gave her peace.
He went out of his way to settle his wife’s spirit. He knew trust was her area of struggle and so he went above and beyond “because he could.”
Hearing this man’s story reminded me of Romans 12:10“Be devoted to one another…” This man went the extra mile for his wife. He created strength in an area where she was weak and struggling.
When it comes to our own individual independence, we might consider doing the same.
Marriage is not meant to be a shackle, it is meant to be a gift.
Through devotion and mutual submission, we can help our partner grow or develop strength in areas that they struggle. We have the power to lead through acts of devotion. Acts of devotion can help put our partners at ease; they can allow us to relax and rest in our relationships.
Feeling peaceful in our relationship can also allow us to extend trust to our partners, the more trust there is the more space there is for independence.
Finally, when considering our own personal freedoms and the freedoms of our spouses it can be helpful to consider who our spouse was before we married them. Remember that not everything our spouse enjoys is going to be something that we enjoy.
A great example: My husband still loves a game of pick-up basketball and I’m still not all that interested in basketball.
Does that mean my husband should throw in the towel and stop playing? Of course not! He is an individual, and I need to honor his individuality.
Honoring who he is means giving him the freedom to play basketball… but maybe freedom in boundaries because playing basketball until 2am is for single guys! At the end of the day remember to lead with trust.
The other day, I was met with the most shocking, upsetting, and unexpected news that flooded my heart with disbelief and utter sadness. Another couple we had grown to love, do life with, and thought we knew on an intimate level were calling it quits. What? How?
Oh, friend, it isn’t hard to see that the beautiful gift of marriage is under strong attack. Unfortunately, the sacred union that God created to be held between His beloved son and beloved daughter has been the prime target for Satan since the beginning. Shortly after Adam and Eve were created, they became the “apple of the evil one’s eye,” all in an effort to destroy God’s most prized possession and perfect creation. Sadly, he has been on the warpath ever since, wreaking havoc, and placing a wedge between what is meant to be the most sacred of human relationships.
What is happening here and how can we respond, help, and possibly de-escalate this mass corrosion that seems to be currently taking place at warp speed? When we don’t have the answers, we must dig into His Word. Then seek His wisdom on how to respond, especially as a couple. Friend, if you are married, build in some time this week to discuss your heart and open up about some tough topics, because your marriage depends on it.
The Cultural War on Marriage
Let’s start with a question. Turn to your hubby one night this week and ask him how Jesus is moving in his life. While he may give you an awkward side grin or even wonder why you are asking, there is a very valid point to all this. Sis, we need to check in on our husbands and the nature of their hearts, letting them know we deeply care about their faith journey. Asking this question periodically opens up dialogue on how we can share and show our appreciation for all the things they do, while also finding ways to pray for them.
Here’s the thing: We are in a full-blown war here. Really! It is that serious. Marriages that are striving to live by God’s design are under attack, big time. Maybe you have personally felt the heat from it. Now, I am not meaning to stoke any fear or cause you to go into panic mode; I am simply inviting you to connect more deeply with your husband than you ever have before and lean in closely to Jesus as you form a tightly woven chord of three (Ecclesiastes 4:12).
The truth is that our current culture is bending into norms that are all too familiar with Sodom and Gomorrah. Sadly, Jesus tells us that the end-time events would parallel their destructive ways, and those who reject Jesus will eventually endure suffering like never before (Matthew 10:15).
Technology is currently developing at a rate faster than we can keep up with, allowing for more and more inappropriate content and images to be laid before our eyes. We must guard our hearts and temper our minds. The issue has become so concerning as it has proven to sway the eyes of many, bringing on hidden and secretive temptations.
Not only that, but the uprise of same-sex marriages and a growing community of distorted views have now bent our society towards even more sinful and lustful ways. Sadly, many Christians are falling into the trap of embracing equity as a means to declare that Jesus loves all, yet they are failing to see that these views are far from God’s design for us, placing us all in very dangerous territory. The image of a biblical marriage is now often seen as a soft spot for ridicule and the ones to blame for not accepting all kinds of love.
This is why we must communicate with our husbands and share how Jesus is moving in our lives to hold each other accountable, clinging to Jesus in these brutal times. We must talk about how God sees marriage and cling to that Truth. While we are called to love all, we must stand firm on our faith and for what is true, noble, right, and just in God’s eyes. Read the verses below with your husband, discuss the meaning, and let them be the truth on which you stand:
“Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.” Hebrews 13:4
“As a young man marries a young woman, so will your Builder marry you; as a bridegroom rejoices over his bride, so will your God rejoice over you.” Isaiah 62:5
“Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.” 1 Peter 3:7
“Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.” Ephesians 5:22-28
Satan’s Plan to Destroy Marriage
Satan’s attack on marriage is simple. Make sin look normal and make God’s design for marriage seem outdated, too restrictive, or strange. The truth is, Satan’s strategy hasn’t changed much. Just as he tempted Eve in the garden and made that apple look utterly delicious, proving that it would open her world up to a wealth of knowledge, he does the same to us in this very day and age.
That being said, why would he attack or waste his time on marriages that are already fallen away or broken? He doesn’t. Instead, he fully attacks the union (or spouse) that loves God. The ones that are trying to do the right things, the couples that may be hanging on but want to honor God, or the man and woman who are living a devoted life to one another, on a mission to spread God’s love – those are his targets. Basically, anything that God deems as good and brings together will be exactly where Satan strives to divide, separate, and infest with evil. He uses distraction, temptation, and all those “little things” that add up to put us at odds with one another. Which is why we must be aware of his malicious ways, call them out, and lean into God’s Word for safe refuge and protection.
According to Google, lack of commitment is the leading cause for many marriages to fail, followed closely by arguing, infidelity, and getting married too young. The average marriage in America tends to last 8 years, and January is supposedly being dubbed the “divorce month.” Just the sound of all that sounds heartbreaking. So, what do we do?
Find the potential threats to your own marriage and put up a barricade to the walls of your heart from the evil one’s invasion. Talk with your husband about his inner struggles and share your own. Be as candid as possible and take time to truly listen to one another so you work as a team to fight for your marriage.
How Should We Respond?
Here are two questions that you and your spouse may want to answer and decide as a couple how to respond. Then dig into God’s Word and invite God into your discussion as you seek His will and way, together.
1. As believers, how should we respond to the cultural view on marriage?
2. How do we respond when our friends, family, or our own marriage is the current target of the deceiver and under brutal attack?
Read John 15:19, John 17:14-16, and 1 John 2:15. Currently, the world loves and seeks after selfishness and lustful desires rather than honoring and pleasing God. Since we are told not to conform to those ways, when we stand for Jesus and His way, we must realize that we could potentially be hated for it. In other words, we should expect others (especially non-believers) to feel uncomfortable around us, as it flips the script on how they want to live. But, on the same token, it opens up a prime opportunity to listen and show compassion for the lost. As we interact with others and come across those who place value in the current cultural view on marriage, we can respond in love, as Jesus commands us to, but also show by the fruits and actions of our own marriage what a beautiful gift God gives us in the sacred union.
When we see those trails affect our family and friends or our own marriage, we must tread lightly but also react quickly, seeking God’s wisdom and guidance in every step. Reflect on Ephesians 5:22-28. It calls both a husband and wife to fully submit to Christ. Wives submitting to their husband’s role as head of the family in order to lead and protect, while husbands are called to honor their wives as Christ loves the Church, cherishing and adoring her, only having eyes for her. Lean on this verse and refer to it often when attacks arise. Be sure to surround yourself with fellow believers and a community that can form an alliance. That way, when attacks come, you can pray for one another and fight the enemy together.
Communicate and Stay Committed
Here are a few topics/questions to openly discuss with your spouse. Carve out time to address these this week, and pray for God to lead and direct your marriage to do His will:
-Where do you see us in two, five, ten years?
-How can I encourage you to be a better man/woman?
-What do you need most from me in this season of our marriage?
-Talk about one of your favorite memories you shared together.
-Do I speak your love language, and if not, how can I do better?
-What are the challenges we face in our marriage, and what can we do to work through them together?
-How can we serve God together and love others better?
-What are some boundaries we need to put into place to better protect our marriage?
As you open up and share your heart with one another, take time to actively listen, then take it a step further and do your best to work towards the marriage you both want, and more importantly, the beautiful union God wants for you two. May God richly bless your union and protect you both as you fight for your marriage.
Alicia Searl is a devotional author, blogger, and speaker that is passionate about pouring out her heart and pointing ladies of all ages back to Jesus. She has an education background and master’s in literacy. Her favorite people call her Mom, which is why much of her time is spent cheering them on at a softball game or dance class. She is married to her heartthrob (a tall, spiky-haired blond) who can whip up a mean latte. She sips that goodness while writing her heart on a page while her puppy licks her feet. Visit her website at aliciasearl.com and connect with her on Instagram and Facebook.
My wife and I have known each other for more than 25 years, and we’ve been married for more than 11 of those. While we know each other pretty well, our marriage is still a work in progress. Neither of us are marriage experts. I consider myself more of a marriage student, trying to see where I’m screwing up and what I need to do on my end to make it work better.
Just like your growth as a Christian, marriage is a process. If we are doing it right, we are continuing to be pruned and shaped into the husband or wife we are meant to be. Just as a plant becomes fuller when pruned, our marriages–and lives–become fuller when we strip those things that take away from our relationship and focus on the things that add to it.
There are a few things that come to mind that are “must-haves” for any successful marriage. These are things that many of us don’t do well. It’s not because we lack the know-how or time, it’s that we simply lack the focus on being intentional in our marriages. Despite realizing these traits of a successful marriage, I still find myself falling down in many of these areas. Just like the apostle Paul, in my marriage, “I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate” (Romans 7:15). That being said, the first step to improving is identifying pitfalls and potential problem areas.
1. Communicating
Any successful relationship is built around communication. Unity, just as Paul writes to the Ephesians, involves “speaking the truth in love” (Ephesians 4:15). If something is bothering you in your marriage, don’t share it with your best friend without talking to your spouse about it directly. It may be difficult to discuss, but trust in true love. After all, “love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things” (1 Corinthians 13:4-7).
Don’t forget the importance of listening. You’ve heard it said that God gave us two ears and one mouth for a reason. If your spouse comes to you with a problem, be quick to listen and slow to speak. “If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame” (Proverbs 18:13).
2. Speaking Her Language
There’s another aspect of communicating that is essential–speaking your spouse’s love language. Maybe you haven’t read Gary Chapman’s “The Five Love Languages” or taken the steps to figure out the love languages for yourself or your spouse. (If you haven’t, I’d highly recommend you do. It’s eye-opening.) Regardless, we can all agree that we need to understand what makes our spouse tick and then act accordingly. We need to make the extra effort to do things in our marriages that make our spouses feel loved.
I fall into the bad habit of trying to show love to my wife in the way that I’m most comfortable. For instance, I feel loved when someone does something–an act of service-for me or spends quality time with me. As a result, I find myself trying to express love in the same way. I try to do things for my wife to show her I love her. That’s fine and good, but she doesn’t receive love that way. She feels loved most when she is hugged or if I reach out to hold her hand. Speaking your spouse’s language puts you on the path to a closer relationship.
3. Praying
According to FamilyLife, which has surveyed thousands of participants at its Weekend to Remember marriage retreats, less than 8 percent of couples pray together on a regular basis. Even fewer Christian couples (about 5 percent) pray together daily. And these are Jesus-loving people who care enough about their marriages to attend a retreat. What would a survey look like among a wider audience? Sadly, it’s likely the same or worse. Most of us don’t take the time to pray together with our spouses.
My wife and I recently took FamilyLife’s 30-Day Oneness Prayer Challenge. The concept is simple. Pray with your husband or wife–out loud–every day for a month. When we were introduced to it, we had sadly only prayed together a couple of times in our decade-plus of marriage. At the end of the 30 days, prayer became a normal part of our marriage. I felt closer to my wife, and she felt closer to me. They say it takes 21 days for a habit to form, but only a couple days to undo it. You have to stay on top of it. Just like those gym memberships and New Year’s resolutions, it’s easy to let the commitment fade. Since taking the challenge, we haven’t always prayed daily, but we have prayed together more often. And that’s a small step to growing closer to God and to each other.
In Shaunti Feldhahn’s book, The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages, she shares that 53 percent of “Very Happy Couples” agree with the statement, “God is at the center of our marriage” (compared to 7 percent of Struggling Couples). She writes, “Highly happy couples tend to put God at the center of their marriage and focus on Him, rather than on their marriage or spouse, for fulfillment and happiness.” There’s no better way for God to be at the center of your marriage than to join with your spouse regularly in prayer.
I’ve heard this analogy used before: a marriage is like a garden or field of dirt. It’s always changing and growing something. Even if left untouched, it’s still going to sprout up weeds. But, if tended and tilled, the soil is ready for planting and growing beautiful or useful flowers or plants. We have a choice. Leave our marriage untended or work at it. The result of doing the latter will make it all worthwhile.
A Prayer for Your Marriage:
Father, help me to be the [husband/wife] you have intended me to be. Show me where I need to improve. Help me to be a better communicator, help me to love my [husband/wife] better, and help us both to grow closer to You and to each other in this new year. In Jesus’ name, amen.
Brent Rinehart is a public relations practitioner and freelance writer. He blogs about the amazing things parenting teaches us about life, work, faith and more at www.apparentstuff.com. You can also follow him on Twitter at @brentrinehart.
Our God loves to show himself to us by earthly things–and by how these earthly things fall short. He shows us his heart through a sunset or a good meal at the same time as pointing us to heaven by these earthly things being temporary.
I think he does the same thing through marriage. He shows us Himself by the times that our husbands reach our hearts in exactly the way we need him to. And then he shows us who he is again when our husbands fall short. Both scenarios are good when they bring us to God.
So when your husband fails to speak to your heart the way you need, let that be a signal and sweet reminder to let God speak to your heart instead.
Because God is your ultimate romancer. The most thoughtful lover. The best friend anyone could imagine. He loves us in a way our husbands never could–or were ever meant to!
Take these Scriptures, for example:
Psalm 56:8 (NLT): You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.
Sometimes our husbands don’t know what to say when we’re crying. (Sometimes, they don’t even notice!) But God cares so deeply about the things that move us that he collects our tears and records each one in his scroll. Now that is someone who cares about you as deeply as you need.
Psalm 139:1-4 (NLT): O Lord, you have examined my heart
and know everything about me.
You know when I sit down or stand up.
You know my thoughts even when I’m far away.
You see me when I travel
and when I rest at home.
You know everything I do.
You know what I am going to say
even before I say it, Lord.
Your God sees you. He knows you. He knows every little quirk you have, every preference, and every fear. Your husband does his best to know you and to read your mind, but God knows every thought before it even forms! Your husband might forget your favorite to-go order or to take off work for your birthday, but God has these details memorized. He sees every part of you and declares it very good.
Isaiah 54:5 (NLT): For your Creator will be your husband; the LORD of Heaven’s Armies is his name! He is your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel, the God of all the earth.
Our husbands love us dearly. They may be very sacrificial. They may create many things for you. But the bigger picture is that The God of all the earth is your husband! He created the earth (and every pink sky). He commands angels to protect you. He sent his son to redeem you from death.
Therefore, God is infinitely worth leaning on in those moments where our husband innocently misses us. Or even when it’s not innocent. God is there.
Pray, journal, and worship your true husband–whatever your heart needs to feel comforted and seen by your lover who will never disappoint you.
It might be helpful to have a few “emergency Scriptures” on hand for the next time you feel rejected by your husband. Not only will these calm you down in the moment, but they’ll help you to see your husband more clearly. And encourage you to love him in the way that he needs, too!
