Tag: midlife

Me and you, we’ve probably been through a few big life transitions. We’ve moved across the country. Switched jobs or even careers. Gotten married or divorced. But Barack Obama has been through one of the biggest, most public, and most jarring life transitions of all. In 2017, he went from being the leader of the free world to a guy with a whole lot of free time. 

The same is true for Oprah Winfrey. For 15 years the media mogul delivered a hit talk show to a national TV audience. Then suddenly she didn’t. Neither Obama or Oprah lacked opportunities or resources in their new lives. But psychologically these transitions still must have been hard. 

How did they handle these big life changes? And what lessons do they have for the rest of us going through less-high profile but important transitions? Turns out two of the most famous people in America have the exact same advice for how best to weather a big life transition. 

How Oprah and Obama handled their big life transitions 

Oprah’s example is negative. On her podcast, she described how she handled her 2011 transition from ending The Oprah Show to immediately launching the Oprah Winfrey Network as her “biggest regret.”

“My deepest, deepest regret is that I didn’t take the time when I ended The Oprah Show before I started the next thing,” she revealed.“ I thought about it and thought about it and thought about it and I didn’t listen to my own inner voice, my own instinct about it, and I listened to everybody else.”

In Obama’s case the lesson is more positive. When Marc Maron recently asked him how he handled the transition to civilian life on his WTF podcast, the ex-president described a period of relaxation and reflection. 

“I’ve read a bunch of books that had been stacked up by — I had a big deficit with my wife — and had to kind of work my way out of. We went on a lot of trips and hung out and just had nice dinners and slept in,” he said. 

Sounds pleasant. But it was more than that too. Obama took time off on the advice of someone who told him, “don’t rush into what the next thing is. Take a beat and take some satisfaction looking backwards…. Pat yourself on the back for a second. Just be a little brain dead for a while.”

His period of intentional laziness allowed him to figure out his “next highest and best use,” he says. Which is why he passes on the same advice about big life transitions on to others: “You don’t have to rush into it… take your time, unless you’ve really got some bills to pay.”

Facing a big change? Spend some time in ‘the neutral zone’

These two clearly didn’t have any pressing financial concerns when they faced their big life transitions. But even if you don’t have millions in the bank, experts insist that, to whatever extent possible, financially and logistically, you too should consider taking a period to breathe and reflect when you’re making a big life transition. 

In a TED Ideas post, for instance, veteran journalist Manoush Zomorodi explained a pattern she noticed after interviewing dozens of successful professionals about their careers. When they’re facing a big transition, they don’t rush into the next thing. Instead, they pause and breathe. 

She’s not the only one to notice. Author and coach William Bridges studied leaders facing crises in the 1960s. He “found that the best leaders, the ones who kept drama to a minimum and got their employees through the stress most smoothly all did something very important: They did … well … not too much,” writes Zomorodi. He called this spending time in the “neutral zone.”

Similarly, when the New York Times interviewed researcher and TED star Brene Brown about her work helping leaders facing tough transitions, Brown stressed the importance of not moving quickly just for the sake of doing something. 

“Have you ever watched 5- or 6-year-olds play soccer?” she asks. Brown is a big soccer fan, but she’s not just enthusing over her favorite sport. She’s making a point about transitions. 

“When you watch little kids play soccer, a kick will come to a kid at chest level and they won’t settle the ball, look down the pitch and decide where it needs to go next. They’ll just raise their foot up over their head and try to kick that ball back. A good leader takes the incoming churn and instability, settles the ball, takes a breath, creates some space and time where none exists, looks down the pitch and makes a smart decision about where to kick the ball next,” she says. 

Call it settling the ball. Call it spending time in the neutral zone. But whatever you call it, the advice is the same. Before you move on, give yourself permission to do nothing for a beat. 

Laze your way to a better big life transition

Lazing about for a while sounds like easy advice. But as Oprah’s example proves it can be hard to put into practice. Big life transitions are scary. Who will you be now? Are you still important and in the mix? What will other people think? How will you pay the bills? 

With questions like these swirling in your head, it’s easy to succumb to the urge to rush into the next thing for some stability and identity. But if you can afford it at all, you’ll probably end up in a better place if you listen to Barack Obama and a whole bunch of experts instead. 

Don’t rush it. Take a breath and think instead.