Because of Jesus’s death on the cross, God forgives our transgressions and chooses to remember them no more. It is the same in our marriage. It is crucial to choose your battles. If you are getting into a battle over every minor annoyance, it may be time to analyze why you’re getting so easily agitated. If previous issues have not been dealt with and forgiven properly, they can become relevant in your current squabbles. Ask the Lord to reveal any previous fights or issues you have not forgiven. As Christians, we are called to forgive others seventy times seven. We need to do so in our marriages as well. Forgive past issues and then analyze if the current argument you are embroiled in is worth the fight. More than likely, it’s not.
Conflict in any marriage is difficult. But the conflict that has gone unresolved and hearts that have gone unchecked can result in emotional separation, or worse, divorce. Choose your battles and fight the battles that will make you better people in the end. Choose not to make divorce an option. Forgive when necessary, give each other the benefit of the doubt, and best of all give the situation over to the Lord. God wants nothing but the best for your marriage, as it’s a reflection of the relationship Christ has with his church. The best way to help our churches regain their voices in society is to be a better example in our marriages.
Growing up, I had a very close relationship with my grandmother. She lived next door to me, and I often spent many weekends at her home. We would play board games, talk about different life situations or simply sit on the porch together. I often went to her first before I went to my parents with situations and problems in my life. My grandmother was always there with an understanding nod or a hug and helped me navigate through life in a safe environment. Most importantly, she had a deep faith, and she taught me about religion and about God. She took me to church and taught me how to pray. I would not be the person I am today without my grandmother’s influence in my life. Because of her spiritual influence, I am a pastor’s wife and a Christian author. I attribute my spiritual life to my grandmother.
Our grandparents’ relationship with their grandchildren is so essential when it comes to creating well-adjusted kids. I’m forever grateful for my grandmother’s relationship in my life. I wouldn’t be the person I am today without her. A grandparent and grandchild relationship is a very special relationship. Grandparents bond with their grandchildren in ways parents and siblings do not. A child’s life is incredibly enriched when they have a grandparent coming alongside them to help them embrace childhood and eventually become an adult. Grandparents offer grandchildren unique parts of their lives that they don’t get anywhere else.
Here are seven unique things grandparents offer grandchildren in their lives:
1. Traditions
Grandparents offer grandchildren a glimpse into their heritage. Grandparents can make special recipes and tell their grandparents about their ancestors, giving their grandchildren a new understanding of where they came from. They can even teach that child a new language or incorporate new ways of life into their current way of living. Being with a grandparent when they teach about heritage is like a time machine. They can go back hundreds of years and share with them ways they were enriched by their previous generations.
2. Wisdom
Grandparents can look back on their lives and discover the things they wish they had done better and the things they wouldn’t change at all. They can offer these perspectives to their grandchild. Although grandparents may not have been experiencing what a grandchild has experienced, they can navigate the issues and problems they may have as they transition from childhood into adolescence and then into adulthood. Grandparents may not understand the effect social media has on their grandchildren, for example, but they can help them develop a healthy self-concept so they don’t use social media in a negative way. A grandparent may not understand the unique challenges of the school system today, but they can understand what it’s like to get a bad grade and face angry parents. Grandparents offer wisdom to a grandchild in a way a grandchild can understand. They can also ask a grandparent for an extra opinion after they’ve asked their parents. Grandchildren become well-adjusted, well-rounded people and know they can always rely on their grandparents for a wise perspective on their situation.
3. Understanding
Grandparents can become a safe haven for grandchildren. When they are experiencing a rough patch with their parents, grandchildren can stay with their grandparents while the situation resolves itself. Grandparents are rarely the people who will react in a negative way when a grandchild reveals something to them. The best part about being a grandparent is they’re not in charge of the discipline! My grandchild can always look to a grandparent for a hug, a smile, and reassurance everything’s going to be okay.
4. Freedom
Because there’s not as much discipline with a grandparent, kids can feel free to explore their boundaries, test their limits, and become well-adjusted children that can make decisions for themselves. As children near adolescence or adulthood, they would benefit from an experience where they got a chance to spend time with their grandparents away from their parents for an extended time. This will help them learn how to come home on a curfew, consider other people’s feelings, and how to explore the world knowing there is an anchor in their grandparents they can go to in case they need them. The best part about having grandparents is they know they’ll be there for them if they fall. Knowing they have a safety net while they explore their world will be of great benefit to grandchildren.
5. Perspective
Grandparents that enjoy being vulnerable with their children as they age will especially benefit from a close bond that forms between them and their grandchildren. Grandparents who talk about their failures and what they would do differently in life will be so helpful to a grandchild as they grow up. Parents may feel this is not appropriate given the nature of their relationship, but a grandchild who receives this from a grandparent will be able to live their life in a new way because they will be able to explore making decisions but also living with the consequences of their decisions. They understand that their grandparent learned as they dealt with the same experience, and they can make the best choices for their life and learn lifelong lessons from the grandparent.
6. Love
Grandparents love their grandchildren in a different way than parents love their children. Because a parent has birthed them and raised them from infancy, they have a vested interest in making sure the child grows into an independent, well-adjusted individual. Grandparents, however, get to watch from the sidelines. They can love their grandchildren in a different way. They get to be friends with them. They can take them to their favorite store and buy their favorite outfit without little to no consequence while a parent who’s interested in teaching their child the importance of saving a dollar or working to earn what they want may not be able to do that.
7. Support
Grandparents support their grandchildren in a different way. If a grandchild is having difficulty convincing a parent that they want to do a certain thing or that they are grown enough to experience something new, the grandparent can go to bat for the grandchild, expressing all the ways they should let them try it. The parent will respect their own parent and be more apt to listen to them than they would with their child. Because they’ve been through life and are beginning to reflect on the good (and bad) choices they’ve made throughout their lives, they can point those things out as well as what they would do differently. When there’s mutual respect, every person in the relationship benefits. Grandparents love and support their kids in a way parents can’t. Because of that, their child is ever more rewarded and rich because of the relationship.
Having a grandparent’s presence is so important. They understand the world from a different perspective, and grandchildren can learn from someone who has gone through experiences and come out on the other side successful… and, sometimes, not as successful. Vulnerability and open communication create a unique bond for grandparents and their grandchildren, allowing the younger generation to navigate a life that is eternally blessed.
Michelle S. Lazurek is a multi-genre award-winning author, speaker, pastor’s wife, and mother. She is a literary agent for Wordwise Media Services and a certified writing coach. Her new children’s book Who God Wants Me to Be encourages girls to discover God’s plan for their careers. When not working, she enjoys sipping a Starbucks latte, collecting 80s memorabilia, and spending time with her family and her crazy dog. For more info, please visit her website www.michellelazurek.com.
When two people marry, they take vows to love, honor, and cherish each other. When they buy a house, those same vows apply. Although they don’t re-recite those vows in front of friends and family, they still commit to honor themselves and their relationship by being good stewards of what God has given them. We often think of worshipping God in large, generous acts. But sometimes, it’s the small acts of service to our partner that also demonstrate our love for God. Colossians 3:23 says, “Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters.”
However, when stressful situations arise, it is easy to drop the ball on simple household tasks. If one partner tends to take the lead on completing household chores, it’s easy for the other partner to sit back and watch them do it. However, this is an act of laziness and not maintaining the possessions God has given them. Most people dislike doing household chores, but they are a necessary part of life. They aren’t only one person’s responsibility, but the other spouse’s as well.
Here are six reasons a couple should share household responsibilities:
1. There Are Not Gender-specific Chores
Gone are the days when women stayed in the kitchen and cared for the kids while the husband did outside chores and brought home the main paycheck. In today’s society, both men and women work to bring home a paycheck as well as raise their children. Therefore, if both are working and equally distribute every other aspect of their lives, it’s only fair that they equally distribute their chores. This not only helps both parties complete their tasks with ease but also promotes equality; each party has an equal share in labor. There’s no reason a woman can’t take out the trash and a man can’t do a load of dishes. If everyone works together in an equal distribution of labor, the chores get done, and there’s more time to spend with the people you love.
2. It’s a Way to Honor the Relationship
In the marriage vows, you committed yourselves to love, honor, and cherish each other within the relationship. One way to honor each other is to do the household chores. When one partner has a stressful week, it is comforting to know that the other partner has taken care of cooking the meals, doing the dishes, and cleaning the bathrooms. Although these may seem insignificant, the small acts may add up to significant acts of honor within your relationship. When you go the extra mile and do chores, especially without being asked or doing the other person’s chores, it demonstrates you put your relationship above your pride.
Doing more than what is expected shows you honor your spouse and put them first above anything else. Matthew 5:38-42 says, “You have heard that it was said, ‘Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.’ But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also. And if anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, hand over your coat as well. If anyone forces you to go one mile, go with them two miles. Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you.”
3. It’s an Act of Service
Dr. Gary Chapman, in the book The Five Love Languages, explains that each person gives and receives love differently. There are five ways people give and receive love: quality time, acts of service, physical touch, gifts, and words of affirmation. By doing what is expected, you demonstrate to your partner that you value your relationship. When you go above and beyond, it demonstrates an act of service that communicates great love to them. Even if they don’t reciprocate by telling them how much they appreciated you, continuous little acts like this will demonstrate how much you love them.
4. No One Person Is Responsible for All the Mess
When one partner leaves the other to do all the chores, it communicates that it’s their job. Even if the partner states they’re helping out around the house, it implies that it’s the other person’s job and that you are lowering yourself to help them in a time of need. But no one person is responsible for all the mess. While it sounds nice to have each person clean up after themselves, it is best to simply humble yourself and clean up on behalf of yourself and the other partner. This is a way to give 100 percent of yourself to your relationship.
5. It’s an Act of Worship
As Christians, we demonstrate our worship for God through regular church attendance, reading the Word, and prayer. But have you ever considered that doing chores is an act of worship? When you complete household tasks, you are being a good steward of what God has given you. Whether you rent an apartment or own a home, it demonstrates that you appreciate what God has given you. Everything is the Lord’s, yet he is kind enough to provide the essentials and meet our every need. By keeping things clean, we demonstrate that we honor God and our possessions. When we do our best to maintain them and keep them in optimal shape, we actively thank God for his gifts. This not only means maintaining regular weekly chores but also keeping up with household repairs and completing home improvements as necessary. When we keep our home clean, we not only honor our relationship, but we also honor God in the process.
6. It Sets an Example
By doing household chores, it demonstrates to the other partner that you love and care for them. If the couple has children, this is even more important. Children live what they learn. If they see parents equally doing chores, it teaches them that there are not certain roles for each partner. Kids should be taught from a young age the concept of stewardship by completing household tasks as well. Brainstorm age-appropriate chores for your child to practice each week with the family. This helps them understand they need to care for the gifts God has given them. It also teaches them not to take things for granted and to develop healthy habits for cleanliness, hygiene, and self-respect. We need to be examples in every area of our lives, and this includes household chores. It may seem small or insignificant, but when the children become adults, they understand that to be a part of a household, the house needs to be maintained. This understanding will be an incredible benefit to their future spouse and children.
Household chores are not fun to complete but are a necessary part of life. They may be daunting to maintain, but each partner can sit back and enjoy the beauty of their home when they are done. When you view completing household chores as an act of worship, it also sets the example for the next generation to be hard workers and take responsibility for the things they must maintain to have a healthy, well-rounded life.
Michelle S. Lazurek is a multi-genre award-winning author, speaker, pastor’s wife, and mother. She is a literary agent for Wordwise Media Services and a certified writing coach. Her new children’s book Who God Wants Me to Be encourages girls to discover God’s plan for their careers. When not working, she enjoys sipping a Starbucks latte, collecting 80s memorabilia, and spending time with her family and her crazy dog. For more info, please visit her website www.michellelazurek.com.
In life, we are born into a certain family. Our relatives are people we cannot choose; they are chosen for us. But as we grow from babies into adults, we can choose our friends. These are the people with whom we choose to spend our time. As with any relationship, opposites attract. We may find we choose people who have the opposite personalities to us. This might be great initially, but when conflict arises, we may have friends who choose an abrasive or harsh approach to their communication. They may choose to control how we view certain situations, how we view them, or how we view the world around us. If this happens too often, we may become resentful because this relationship does not allow us to be who we truly are but rather who our friends want us to be. This can cause us to be placed in a sticky situation. What can we do to set firm boundaries but remain in a relationship with our controlling friends?
Here are five ways to respond to abrasive or controlling friends:
1. Love Them
Jesus’s first response in every situation is love (whether that be gentle or tough love). He wants us to love others as much as we love ourselves. Just as we want to be accepted for who we are, we must accept that our friends choose to approach life in a very different way than we do. Acceptance is one of the keys to the success of a long-term relationship. Having said this, Jesus loves us enough not to let us remain stuck in our sinful patterns of behavior but rather transform us into Christ-like characters.
We won’t be good friends if we don’t point out if a friend is constantly losing relationships or in constant conflict due to their abrasive approach. Scripture says, “speak the truth and love so that they may grow…” (Ephesians 4:15). Speaking the truth to others is so important to a person’s spiritual growth. In this verse, truth and love are inextricably linked. When we speak the truth to others, we are loving them. It is not loving merely to sit in silence or sweep the issue under the rug. God will point out to us when the right time is for us to confront our friends in love and talk to them about the way they treat others. If they choose to change because of our confrontation, we have helped further the Kingdom. If, however, they choose not to be in a relationship with us anymore, we must grieve the loss but ultimately know that we did the right thing by helping point out their weaknesses and flaws so they become better people.
2. Be the Example
For us to be light to the world around us, we must be the example of Christ. This means we must exude the traits of the Holy Spirit in every relationship we have, including our friends. When our friends choose to be harsh or abrasive, we can choose to respond in gentleness and with goodness. We can go the extra mile and demonstrate Christlike love by not retaliating or arguing with them. We are called to be examples of Christ to the world. This starts with the people with whom we are the closest. If, after a prolonged period of time, you find your friends are not changing their approach because of who you are, it may be time to sit down and have a hard (yet necessary) conversation.
3. Change Your Communication
If a friend is constantly controlling your other relationships or your worldview, try changing the way you communicate. Your friends might be abrasive and controlling because you are, and they’re merely reacting to what they’re hearing. Avoid using the word “you” in your conversations with them. Replace the word “you” with the word “I’ and use “I” statements rather than “you” statements. In conflict, choose to express your emotions by using the phrase “I feel…” rather than attacking or blaming. Sometimes people have unprocessed pain, wounds, or issues that they have not addressed completely, and they are taking it out on you because they are in close proximity to you. Because they choose to treat you in this manner does not mean you have to take responsibility. Respond by telling them how you feel when they treat you this way. Give suggestions on how you’d rather be treated instead. Don’t leave the situation open-ended, where the friend is confused as to how to change his or her behavior. With some coaxing, you may find they may change their communication simply by watching you change yours.
4. Call Them Out
If your friend lacks emotional maturity, it may be best to simply call them out. Sometimes people are unaware of their sins and need someone to point them out. Nathan, the prophet, took a great risk in pointing out David’s sin. David was so unaware of what he was doing (committing adultery with Bathsheba and murdering her husband), that it wasn’t until Nathan pointed it out that he could repent and turn from his ways. “David burned with anger against the man and said to Nathan, “As surely as the Lord lives, the man who did this must die! He must pay for that lamb four times over, because he did such a thing and had no pity.” Then Nathan said to David, “You are the man!” (2 Samuel 12:5-6). If no one in their lives is telling them they are too controlling or harsh, it may be your job to do so. By loving yourself and not allowing that behavior to affect you, you may be doing your friends and, ultimately, yourself a great benefit.
5. Set Firm Boundaries
The book Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and John Townsend is a great resource for people in toxic relationships. By setting firm boundaries, you are still allowing growth in your relationship while sustaining it. To set boundaries does not mean you must terminate the relationship, although you may have to in some circumstances. If setting boundaries is your next course of action, you may need to use “you” statements by telling them you will no longer tolerate their behavior. You can also let them know what will happen in the future if they continue to cross this boundary. You must be willing to separate yourself from this individual or sometimes terminate the relationship if it’s what’s best for you. Although it is important to love others more than yourself, Jesus never told us to endure abuse or control. Sometimes letting go of a bad relationship so you can experience emotional and mental wellness is the best example of Jesus you can demonstrate.
Like any relationship, a friendship can be a difficult one to navigate. Even if you have been friends with someone for a long time, it does not give them the right to treat you any way they choose. By setting firm boundaries, using “I’ statements, and being an example of Jesus, you may have to have hard conversations with your friends. But in doing so, you may end up with an enriching and rewarding friendship in the end.
Michelle S. Lazurek is a multi-genre award-winning author, speaker, pastor’s wife, and mother. She is a literary agent for Wordwise Media Services and a certified writing coach. Her new children’s book Who God Wants Me to Be encourages girls to discover God’s plan for their careers. When not working, she enjoys sipping a Starbucks latte, collecting 80s memorabilia, and spending time with her family and her crazy dog. For more info, please visit her website www.michellelazurek.com.
On Sunday mornings, we walk into our sanctuary, grab a cup of coffee, and chat with friends. Our friends may ask us how we are doing, how our children are, or how work is going. We raise our hands in unity and clap on beat to the worship music, and then, we scrawl furiously in our notebooks to take notes and remember the pastor’s Bible teaching. Then we leave for the week, only to put aside the corporate worship experience and go out into the world. We then reconvene the following Sunday, never allowing our Sunday experience and our daily lives to intertwine.
Small groups are the most effective way to create community and allow people an intimate look into our lives. The current Sunday morning model is not set up for an intimate culture. At best, congregation members keep conversations at a superficial level, so we’ll never get into the deep spiritual support and wisdom community can provide. If you are looking for an intimate connection within the community of the Body of Christ who will champion for you in your triumphs and encourage you in your discouragements, the small group model is where it’s at.
Here are five ways small groups are impactful:
1. They Help Us Enjoy Community
Throughout the Bible, no person does life alone. The disciples were sent out two-by-two to meet the needs of their communities. Jesus often took two or three people with him when he ministered. This is clear throughout both the Old and New Testaments. We were never meant to do life alone. We need each other to help us through difficult times and rejoice with us during the good times. As people meet regularly within the small group model, community is created. When a member of the small group has a prayer need, the first person they go to is usually in their small group. The entire congregation is not meant to know every little detail about every person in the church. It is impossible to keep up that standard. But with the creation of small groups, people in groups of 10-12 can get to know each other in an intimate way, and those people can be prophets and priests to each other.
2. We Study God’s Word
Most small groups use a particular book of the Bible or the pastor’s sermon as a focus for the group. After groups begin in prayer, they often study a particular Bible passage. It is here that those who have the spiritual gift of teaching teach others more about God’s Word. Furthermore, it is here that each person can share what God has placed on their heart: 1 Corinthians 14:26 says, “What then shall we say, brothers and sisters? When you come together, each of you has a hymn, or a word of instruction, a revelation, a tongue or an interpretation. Everything must be done so that the church may be built up.” The small group model is the place and time for people to share a hymn or verse that God has been speaking to them to encourage the rest of the group.
3. Spiritual Gifts Are Explored
1 Corinthians 12:8-11 highlights the spiritual gifts given to each person in the Body of Christ: “Now to each one the manifestation of the Spirit is given for the common good. To one there is given through the Spirit a message of wisdom, to another a message of knowledge by means of the same Spirit, to another faith by the same Spirit, to another gifts of healing by that one Spirit, to another miraculous powers, to another prophecy, to another distinguishing between spirits, to another speaking in different kinds of tongues, and to still another the interpretation of tongues. All these are the work of one and the same Spirit, and he distributes them to each one, just as he determines.”
Yet, the current church model is not set up for everyone to be able to use their spiritual gifts. However, they can use their spiritual gifts within a small group model. Each person with the gift of teaching can take a turn facilitating the discussion. Those with encouragement can add a word of encouragement for each person. A person with the gift of prophecy can test a prophetic word that they have been chewing on for the week in front of this community. If a person is unsure what their spiritual gifts are, the group can take a week and conduct a spiritual gifts inventory. They can score the inventories together and discover their spiritual gifts. Each person can go around the room, stating what their spiritual gifts are as revealed in the test. Other members who know them well can then affirm or question the gifts. Once the spiritual gifts are discovered, the small group leader can brainstorm ways each person can use their spiritual gifts within this small group setting. This is a great way to involve each person so that they can make a difference within the Kingdom and make a direct impact for the local church and community.
4. Trust and Intimacy Develop
When the small group first meets, the host should initiate a covenant that each person signs. Within the covenant, it will explain the expectations and requirements to attend this small group. If a small group is going to be successful, the expectations must be set high. People cannot flit in and out whenever it’s convenient. They must commit to the small group to attend most of its sessions. This will help develop trust and intimacy within the group. People who then quit the group will upset the dynamic and flow of the group setting. People cannot trust one another if their attendance is not regular. They cannot get to know someone intimately without meeting with them regularly. That’s why group attendance is so vital. Each person must commit to putting away their cell phone and being completely engaged in the discussion. Proverbs 27:17 says it best: “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.” Each person sharpens the other when they get into a small group setting regardless of the topic of conversation. One member can challenge the other in a particular area once trust is developed within the group. Each person greatly benefits when each person is sharpened to display more Christlike behavior.
5. We Share Intimate Prayer Requests
Most churches can send out a group text or e-mail when a member has a specific prayer need. Prayer can start with a small group member’s neighbor who has cancer or a friends in need. While these are important to God, the most intimate requests come out during a small group setting. This is where people share the intimate details about their struggling marriage, their repetitive sin, or other emotional issues hindering them from having an intimate relationship with Christ. These are not things that would go out to a whole congregation but rather shared only within a smaller setting. Small groups allow for intimacy and private prayer requests to be shared among members who have taken the time to get to know one another.
Although a small group within different churches might have a different look, when done successfully, they all can foster community, build trust and intimacy, allow people to explore their spiritual gifts, and ultimately replicate leaders. These leaders will then multiply these groups and make the small group model the primary way for people to connect and understand and demonstrate Jesus’ presence in their lives.
Michelle S. Lazurek is a multi-genre award-winning author, speaker, pastor’s wife, and mother. She is a literary agent for Wordwise Media Services and a certified writing coach. Her new children’s book Who God Wants Me to Be encourages girls to discover God’s plan for their careers. When not working, she enjoys sipping a Starbucks latte, collecting 80s memorabilia, and spending time with her family and her crazy dog. For more info, please visit her website www.michellelazurek.com.
As Christians, we know the benchmark of our faith is the ability to forgive others when they’ve wronged us. But this is easier said than done. Due to the nature of the offense, it could take months or even years to forgive someone. Forgiveness is a process. However, it is necessary for us to go through the process of forgiveness even when we can’t forget what someone has done to us, or they’re not sorry. Why should we forgive someone when we’re afraid they may do it again?
Here are five reasons to forgive when you can’t forget:
1. God Calls Us to Forgive
Throughout Scripture, God calls us to forgive others. We are called to forgive someone repeatedly, even if they commit the same offense. Matthew 6:14-15 says, “For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your father will not forgive your sins. God will not forgive us if we don’t forgive others. This is one of the only commands that comes with this promise.”
God chooses to forgive us no matter how grievous our offense is and chooses to remember it no more. He gives us the chance to come to him and experience the freedom that Christ’s death on the cross afforded us. Because we have been forgiven, it is our duty to forgive others, even if our offense isn’t as severe as someone else’s. Going through the process of forgiveness means we believe in God. When we forgive others, we fulfill God’s calling to forgive others.
2. It Sets Us Free
People often believe forgiveness is about the other person. They believe if we forgive them, we’re letting them off the hook for their offense. On the contrary, however, forgiveness is more about us than it is about the other person. Forgiving others sets us free from the emotional bondage unforgiveness has on our hearts. When we forgive, we feel lighter and freer. We can better demonstrate love to others when we have forgiven them.
If you are having difficulty forgiving someone, start with prayer. Declare to God you choose to forgive a person and specifically name the offense. Tell God you are choosing to forgive, even if you don’t feel like it. God knows our hearts. He knows when we were doing something willfully and when we were doing it simply out of calling. But God honors us when we choose to forgive, even if it’s just that of God’s calling to forgive. Forgiveness starts us on the pathway toward healthy relationships. If the relationship is strained due to unforgiveness, our ability to forgive may help in the process of reconciliation. Although the relationship may never be the same as it was before, we can do our part to live in peace with everyone. Mental health issues are on the rise. This is in part due to the unforgiveness we carry in our hearts because we won’t confess the sin that weighs it down. By making ourselves clean before God and then choosing to make others clean before him, we experience emotional freedom like never before.
3. It Demonstrates God’s Love
John 15:13 says, “Love has no greater love than this: when we were still sinners Christ died for us.” Christ, who had no sin, chose to take on the sins of the world so we could all experience freedom. When we don’t forgive others, it is like saying Christ’s death was for nothing and that there are some offenses that are not worth forgiveness. When we imply this, we imply that Christ’s death was meaningless and that Christ didn’t know what he was doing when he died on the cross. Although forgiving someone may bring up past pain, it is best to deal with it effectively. It’s not good to stuff our feelings or deny that the problem exists. Rather, we demonstrate God’s unconditional love to others when we forgive the people in our lives. When we do this, we demonstrate that God loves us, too, and we believe in him and the power of Christ’s sacrifice.
4. We Demonstrate the Fruits of the Spirit
Galatians 5:22 gives us an understanding of what the Fruits of the Spirit are: “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.” Forgiveness helps us acknowledge that we have the Holy Spirit living within us. When we forgive, we cultivate these fruits in our lives. Forgiveness demonstrates these fruits because we demonstrate love, peace, gentleness, and kindness in a way that unforgiveness cannot. When we forgive, we pave the way for the Holy Spirit to work more effectively in our lives. When gone unchecked, unforgiveness can hinder our relationship with the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit will not work in a heart that’s hardened. Forgiveness softens the heart and allows the Holy Spirit to move freely within our lives.
5. It Becomes a Natural Practice
Once we’ve done the hard act of forgiving once, it makes it easier to forgive more than once. Even if the offense is severe, we will have the tools and spiritual skills necessary to go through the process of true forgiveness. Forgiveness can be tough to detect if we have truly forgiven someone because we often may still feel anger, hurt, or other emotions associated with the offense. If I repeatedly bring up the offense, continue to vent to friends about it, or bubble over with anger or resentment every time I see that person, chances are I have not forgiven them. Every time you feel this emotion, get a journal and write out your feelings. Deal with the hurt that’s hidden deep within. A hurt not processed effectively can lead to a host of other physical, emotional, and mental issues.
Take a blank sheet of paper and ask the Lord to reveal any people with whom you still have an offense. Write down their name and the nature of the offense. In your quiet time, speak their names and declare you are choosing to forgive them for the offense today. Ask God to help you not recall or bring it up anymore so you can practice the peace and freedom of forgiveness. Declare that Satan has no foothold in your life and that you will not allow unforgiveness to hinder your relationship with God. When you are finished, you may find you’ve gone deeper in your intimacy with God.
Forgiveness may be one of the most difficult things to live out as a Christian. Yet, when we do so, we show an unbelieving world who God is and his presence in our lives. God chose to use his Son to carry the weight of all the sins of the world. God chose to demonstrate great love to us when he forgave us, and he calls us to do the same. There is nothing we can do that will negate the salvation Christ’s death allows us. We best demonstrate that when we forgive others. Forgiveness not only sets the other person free but releases us from physical, emotional, spiritual, and mental anguish that hinders us from a vibrant relationship with the Lord.
Michelle S. Lazurek is a multi-genre award-winning author, speaker, pastor’s wife, and mother. She is a literary agent for Wordwise Media Services and a certified writing coach. Her new children’s book Who God Wants Me to Be encourages girls to discover God’s plan for their careers. When not working, she enjoys sipping a Starbucks latte, collecting 80s memorabilia, and spending time with her family and her crazy dog. For more info, please visit her website www.michellelazurek.com.
In the book The Five Love Languages, author Gary Chapman helps readers understand their spouses better by revealing the five ways in which they give and receive love: quality time, access service, gifts, words of affirmation, and physical touch. The longer a couple has been married, the more difficult it can be to express love and intimacy to each other. It is important to know your spouse’s love language and express it often. If you have difficulty identifying which love language your spouse needs most, understand that your spouse gives love the way they like to receive love.
Here are five reasons it’s important to know your spouse’s love language:
1. It Increases the Bond of Intimacy
The marriage relationship is perhaps one of the most intimate relationships we can have. When we love others deeply, more than likely they will love us deeply as well. The love we receive meets those deep emotional needs for connection and intimacy we were created to have here on earth. Giving and receiving love in a deep way increases communication which, in turn, strengthens the bond of intimacy created between a loving couple.
2. It Is Your Duty to Love Your Spouse
Ephesians 5:22-28 is perhaps one of the most commonly quoted passages to marriage, but it does serve as a blueprint for the way husbands and wives should treat each other: “Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.”
We are not instructed to love others the way we want to be loved but rather loving others with no strings attached. That is the unconditional love God gives to us, and he wants us to give that to our spouses. By speaking their love language, your spouse will understand that you make your marriage a priority and want to do the work it takes to establish a long, healthy relationship.
3. It Honors Your Commitment to God
Whether you took your marriage vows on the beach, in someone’s backyard, or a church, you made those vows before God. God created the marriage as a covenant between two loving people so they may enjoy a glimpse of the love we will share with God when we get to heaven. Whether you chose to take traditional vows or write your own, part of the commitment you make on your wedding day is to love, honor, and cherish your spouse ‘till death do you part. This does not mean you get to stop loving your spouse the minute they don’t give you the love you feel you need. When you honor your marriage by speaking your spouse’s level language, you demonstrate your honor toward God and the commitment you made as well. This gives God glory and shows the world what it will be like when Jesus returns for his church.
4. It Makes Them Feel Seen and Known
One of our deepest needs as human beings is to be seen and known by God and others. Nothing shows a spouse that you see and know them deeper than anyone else’s by expressing love in their love language. Expressing love in a language they can understand helps them best appreciate and receive the love you give. If you speak in a love language that doesn’t affect them, it will not meet their deep emotional needs. Giving a back rub when your spouse is in pain without being asked is a great way to show physical touch to your spouse and meet their physical needs for comfort as a result.
One of the reasons God reserved sex for the marriage relationship is because when love is shown in a deep way, it creates a bond between two people that is difficult to break. Mental images surrounding the experience will stay with that couple even if the relationship has resolved. Marriage was designed for two people to be fully known and allow a trusted partner to see and know everything about them, even their weaknesses, flaws, and imperfections. That is not something to reveal to just anyone. Marriage allows two people to be fully who they are (warts and all) to each other. A good marriage provides a safe environment where both people can express themselves in every way without fear of judgment or condemnation. This is how people want to be seen and known by all, yet they must discern to whom they can reveal the most intimate parts of themselves. That revelation should be reserved for the marriage covenant only. By speaking their love language, you demonstrate you understand your spouse fully and that you are a trusted partner who knows them and accepts them and loves them in a way unique to them.
5. It Is a Tangible Example of Your (and God’s) Love for Them
It’s easy to say, “I love you,” but words not backed up with actions can be difficult to believe. It is the same in our spiritual lives. Although we are saved by grace, and there’s nothing we can do to earn that grace, Scripture also says that “faith without works is dead” (James 2:26). If we love God, we will demonstrate that love both to others and ourselves to show our belief in love for him and honor him in the ways he intended.
It is the same in our marriages. We say we will love, honor, and cherish our spouses, but if we don’t demonstrate tangible examples of that love, how easy will it be for this spouse to believe otherwise? If your spouse is someone who loves words of affirmation, make a point to send a text or write a note once a week letting them know you love them. Highlight their good qualities and things that made you fall in love with them. If your spouse loves acts of service, make a to-do list of all the home improvements or repairs you need to make. Tackle one task a week and be sure to complete it. If your spouse loves quality time, seek to plan at least one date night a month or designate quality time without screens or technology once a week in your home. Invest in your marriage by spending quality time cultivating a loving relationship between you and your spouse. Save money each week until you can buy that perfect gift for your spouse. If they are a person who loves gifts, they will love the thoughtfulness you put into the gift (and we’ll love they don’t have to pay for it either). If they love physical touch, make a point to rub their back, hold her hand, or brush their hair at night to soothe them before they go to bed. This is a great way to establish a relaxing bedtime routine and demonstrate love through physical touch.
In the same way, we are called to demonstrate our belief in God in tangible ways. We are to demonstrate our love for our spouses in tangible ways by communicating with them in their love language. By understanding them better, you will be able to give love in a way that meets their deepest emotional needs, and in return, they will do the same.
Michelle S. Lazurek is a multi-genre award-winning author, speaker, pastor’s wife, and mother. She is a literary agent for Wordwise Media Services and a certified writing coach. Her new children’s book Who God Wants Me to Be encourages girls to discover God’s plan for their careers. When not working, she enjoys sipping a Starbucks latte, collecting 80s memorabilia, and spending time with her family and her crazy dog. For more info, please visit her website www.michellelazurek.com.
Grief can be an especially difficult concept. People who are grieving have difficulty with the emotions surrounding grief, and the people who want to support those grieving can also have a difficult time with it. But it is so important to support friends during difficult times. Exodus 17:10-12 says, “So Joshua fought the Amalekites as Moses had ordered, and Moses, Aaron and Hur went to the top of the hill. As long as Moses held up his hands, the Israelites were winning, but whenever he lowered his hands, the Amalekites were winning. When Moses’ hands grew tired, they took a stone and put it under him and he sat on it. Aaron and Hur held his hands up—one on one side, one on the other—so that his hands remained steady till sunset.” People need the tangible support of others through gestures, encouragement, and help from dear friends.
However, it is easy to say a quick cliché rather than sit with someone in deep sadness. It is important not to state platitudes when a friend’s loved one has passed away, like “God doesn’t give us more than we can handle” or “he is in a better place,” because although it sounds soothing, it does not provide the person much relief. It only provides the “comforter” a quick way to get out of a tough situation. But what can a person do when a friend is grieving?
Here are six ways to support a grieving friend:
1. Pray for Them
The most important thing you can do for a friend is pray for them. Ask the Holy Spirit, the Great Comforter, to give them peace that passes all understanding. That is the best gift a person in grief can receive. Ask the Holy Spirit to speak to you regarding that person. When God gives you a word of encouragement, be sure to pass it on to that friend. It may speak to their heart in a way that they have not verbalized to anyone else, including you. This will help them feel seen and known by God and meet their deep emotional needs for comfort and support.
2. Make Them a Meal
Offer to make a meal for someone in grief. It is a tangible way to meet their needs and demonstrate their presence in your life. Be sure not to make what you like, but rather ask them what they would like to eat. If they have a special diet or are a picky eater, buy a gift card to their favorite restaurant or order their favorite meal and have it delivered to their home (tip included). They may not feel up to eating when they first experience loss, but with the passing of time, their appetite will increase, and having a quick meal that can be available instantly will be of great help to them.
3. Encourage Them
One of the best resources we have for encouragement is the Word of God. Take a day and go through the passages where people are in deep sorrow or pain. Write down the things that God said to them during that time. Read the context surrounding it and re-enact the ways God was the Great Comforter to others. In the coming weeks, say nothing to your friend but rather demonstrate your friendship by re-enacting these scenarios to their comfort level. It can be as simple as sending a bouquet of flowers a month after the loss, checking in on them, letting them know you were thinking of them after all the family members have left, or calling them on the phone and leaving a message letting them know you are praying for them.
People often have a large amount of support when someone first passes away before and immediately after a funeral. But three to four weeks after all the family members have gone back home and that person is left alone is when they will experience another wave of grief. Demonstrating these acts of kindness in this time will demonstrate Jesus and his love in your life in ways that will provide them comfort for months to come.
4. Be the Hands and Feet of Jesus
Making a meal or buying a gift card to a favorite restaurant is a great start to demonstrating support and kindness. Try to go the extra mile when it comes to supporting your friend during your time of grief. Offer to say a few words about the loved one if there is a funeral service. Ask them if there are any errands they need to run or tie up loose when it comes to their loved one’s loss. Pay for groceries and have them delivered to your friend’s home. Offer to pay for any last-minute costs at the funeral home or grave site. Discover ways to demonstrate Jesus in tangible ways to your friend. If you are running out of ways to do that, ask the Lord to reveal any needs that your friend might have that he or she has not made you aware of. Do your best to meet them in a kind and loving way to demonstrate you are a good friend supporting them through a tough time.
5. Write Them a Note
In this technological world, many have lost the art of handwritten notes. By a sympathy card or blank note and write in it all the ways your friend has been an encouragement to you. Highlight their good qualities and why they are such a good friend to you. In the hustle and bustle of life, we often don’t say the important things that make people feel special. Tell them all the ways you love them and encourage them not to feel bad if they don’t recover from their loss right away.
6. Check in on Them
Grief is not linear; grief can take years, and people go through many stages before grief is finally complete. Don’t rush them but let them know you are there for them. Send a random text letting them know you were thinking of them. Buy a gift from Amazon that you know they’ll like and have it delivered to their door. Make their birthday or another special holiday extra special during their time of loss. Spare no expense on a gift, throw a party in their honor, or host a card shower where other friends and family can write notes of encouragement to their friend. Checking in on them often will help them feel more comfortable to share with you if you’re going through a rough time or ask for help if needed. Don’t get discouraged if your friend is quick with a response or doesn’t respond at all. Give gifts and notes of encouragement without expecting an emotional payoff for you too. Be someone who loves others with no strings attached.
Grief is not something anyone should go through alone. God has provided us with people to support us through difficult times in our lives. Be the Hur to the Moses in your life. Hold up people’s hands when they are weakest, and you may find when you are having a difficult time, you have the support you need as well.
Michelle S. Lazurek is a multi-genre award-winning author, speaker, pastor’s wife, and mother. She is a literary agent for Wordwise Media Services and a certified writing coach. Her new children’s book Who God Wants Me to Be encourages girls to discover God’s plan for their careers. When not working, she enjoys sipping a Starbucks latte, collecting 80s memorabilia, and spending time with her family and her crazy dog. For more info, please visit her website www.michellelazurek.com.
If time and finances are available, take some time off before the holidays. Get a massage, a facial, or something else that relaxes you. Find relaxing activities to do before and after the day you see your parents. Adult coloring books, knitting, and crocheting are also great and cheap activities to soothe the mind and relax the body. This will help you cope with the holiday season and all the stress that comes with it. The more relaxed you are, the better you’ll be able to see the situation with your parents clearly. You may find you overreact more than necessary. By allowing your mind to replenish its stress hormones, you will find you will be able to cope with the holidays more easily.
6. Resolve Your Emotions
Sometimes you are reacting to a present event with your parents. But sometimes you’re reacting to unresolved wounds and past hurts that have not been resolved. There are great resources available to help you deal with setting firm boundaries and resolving past hurts so that you can see present events with clarity. Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. Henry Townsend and Emotionally Healthy Spiritually by Pete Scazzero are two great resources to help you with this. There are also additional classes and courses you can take to help you deal specifically with your emotions regarding your parents. Do what you can to forgive past events before you see them. Unresolved emotional wounds can cloud your judgment and make you see things from a skewed perspective. You may never forget what has happened in the past, which you can choose to forgive. God calls us to forgive others of their sins so that we will be forgiven of our sins.
Take some time with the Lord and conduct an analysis of your parenting style. Do you find you do things similarly to your parents? As much as we dislike it, we sometimes become more like our parents than we realize. If you identify something you say or do that is similarly hurtful to your children as you have been hurt by your parents, understand that we’re all human. Our parents did the best they could with what they learned from the previous generation. Give them a break and give yourself a break as well. You may find you’re more like your parents than you previously thought.
The holidays can be stressful regardless of who is around your dinner table. But it can be especially stressful when your parents choose to put themselves first instead of you. Strive to put their needs first, and you will find yourself less frustrated and restore your joy. You may find you have a better holiday than you anticipate when you choose to act the way Jesus wants us to act.
In life, there will always be conflict. No matter how much we try to avoid it, there will always be people who share different opinions than we do. If both parties are passionate about their opinions, believing each is correct, this results in conflict. Christians often avoid conflict because they think it’s not Christlike. They believe it’s not being gracious by asserting themselves or their opinions on others. Christians also fear not being liked. Jesus embodied grace, but he also set firm boundaries with others, especially those who did not want to put God and his will first in their lives.
Handle Conflict in a Christlike Manner
Consider the rich young ruler. Mark 10:21-22 says, “Looking at him, Jesus showed love to him and said to him, “One thing you lack: go and sell all you possess and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow Me.” But he was deeply dismayed by these words, and he went away grieving; for he was one who owned much property.”
Jesus did not run after the man; he allowed him to make his own choices. Jesus rooted his identity in his father, and being right was not on his agenda. He came to do the work of his father on earth, and he often paid the price of rejection and persecution (and ultimately death) because of it. In the same way, being Christlike does not mean being liked or not being assertive. Certain situations require us to set firm boundaries against people who may hinder our spiritual growth. This often results in conflict. Although all conflicts in our lives may never be fully resolved, we are called to deal with them as Christlike as possible.
Here are six Christlike ways to handle disagreements:
1. Pray About It
When we disagree with someone, the first thing we can do is pray. Give God the situation. Pray for the person with whom you are in conflict. Ask the Lord to speak and reveal to you anything you need to know about the situation that you may not know already. Ask the Lord to show you anything about the person you may need to know. Reflect on their story—their background, childhood, and current standing with your local church body. Ask the Lord to soften your heart towards that person. During the disagreement, you may have said things that attacked their character, and they may have done the same. Redeem this behavior by confessing your sin to God. Offer an apology to the other party. They may or may not accept it, but you have taken the first step toward resolving the conflict in a Christlike manner.
2. Bite Your Tongue
In the heat of the moment, it is easy to use hurtful words and harsh comments to win the argument or to protect yourself from further rejection. Yet, when Jesus was on trial and falsely accused, he did not snap back with a quick comment or a word of knowledge about their lives. He instead remained silent, knowing that the ultimate judge had already found him not guilty.
When our identities are rooted in Christ, the rejection of others is secondary to our standing with God. If we can remain blameless in a situation before God, we have already won the argument, regardless of whether we have come to a timely resolution. Ephesians 4:29 says, “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” Seek always to build others up rather than tear them down. We will not be perfect at this, yet striving to put others first even in the heat of conflict reflects Christlike character.
God’s will is for all people to be at peace. Paul writes about this in several of his letters to his churches. Since the church is the Bride of Christ, its members are our brothers and sisters. With so many opinions, we are bound to conflict with one another at some point. But it is how we resolve the conflict that counts. Be the first to offer a sincere apology to the other party. Practice active listening by listening to their point of view without asserting yours. When the other party is finished speaking, state your position again. Ask if they can see it from your perspective. Sometimes a shift in perspective can help us truly understand the situation from another point of view.
3. Forgive Always
Forgiveness is perhaps the hardest part of conflict because the other party might offer an apology, but trust has not been achieved. Therefore, you may be suspicious if they might repeat the action again. Scripture is clear that if we do not forgive others, God will not forgive us of our sins. We must understand that forgiveness is a process. It is a result of processing through tough emotions and resolving them in a way that cultivates Christlike character. When we seek to forgive others even when we feel they don’t deserve it, we are becoming more like Christ because Jesus died on the cross, taking on the world’s sins but having committed no sin himself. The other party may not forgive you, but that is no excuse for you not to seek forgiveness. We are obligated as Christians to forgive one another, regardless of the other party’s response.
4. Pinpoint the Underlying Needs
In the heat of the moment, it is easy to argue about the conflict at hand. This may result from a current situation where the two of you are entangled. Yet, the emotional response to the conflict may have nothing to do with you. If this is someone you know personally, recall what you have observed in their lives. Is there any unresolved trauma or other wounds from the past that may be interfering with your current conflict? Sometimes people seek justice in this current situation because they did not receive justice for a past injury or victimization. If this is the case, kindly state what you believe to be true and see if there’s a grain of truth to it. If there is, help them seek to resolve the previous pain so that pain does not interfere with your relationship today. By doing so, you will not only seek to resolve the conflict peacefully, but you may gain a true friend in the process.
5. Wish Them Well
Paul and Barnabas had such a sharp disagreement that they had to part ways: “Barnabas wanted to take John, also called Mark, with them, but Paul did not think it wise to take him, because he had deserted them in Pamphylia and had not continued with them in the work. They had such a sharp disagreement that they parted company. Barnabas took Mark and sailed for Cyprus, but Paul chose Silas and left, commended by the believers to the grace of the Lord” (Acts 15:37-40). Scripture never says whether that conflict was resolved. While we may wish every conflict in which we are embroiled comes to a peaceful agreement, that’s not always the case.
Seek reconciliation and peace as much as possible. We can live at peace with someone and not be in conflict with them. Yet that conflict was not completely resolved. Romans 12:18 says, “as it stands with you, live at peace with all men.” Despite our passionate position and extension of grace, we may never resolve every conflict in our lives. Process any unresolved emotions or pain from the incident. Live at peace with yourself and accept that you may never be in a relationship with that person again. If reconciliation cannot be achieved, wish them well and pray for God’s blessing over their lives.
Conflict is always difficult. No one likes to be involved in conflict with others. But it is a necessary element of living with other people. Do your best to seek resolution and reconciliation with others. It may not always be possible, but peace and the Christlike character that results is always a guaranteed outcome.
Michelle S. Lazurek is a multi-genre award-winning author, speaker, pastor’s wife, and mother. She is a literary agent for Wordwise Media Services and a certified writing coach. Her new children’s book Who God Wants Me to Be encourages girls to discover God’s plan for their careers. When not working, she enjoys sipping a Starbucks latte, collecting 80s memorabilia, and spending time with her family and her crazy dog. For more info, please visit her website www.michellelazurek.com.
