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Tag: Michelle S. Lazurek

  • The Art of Taming Your Tongue

    The Art of Taming Your Tongue

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    Lashing out at my kids one day for a seemingly minor offense, they had had enough. “Why are you so angry all the time?” My son asked. “Yeah, Mom, you yell a lot.” This broke me. Growing up in a home where my mother yelled a lot, I often walked on eggshells, not knowing exactly what her mood would be. 

    I usually hid my true feelings and generally didn’t express myself for fear of rejection or her wrath. This moment with my kids confirmed I had become just like her. I went upstairs and wept. “God?” I asked. “Help me break this generational sin of approval and negativity. I don’t know how to stop hurting my kids with my words, but you do. Help me break this stronghold in my life.”

    I went downstairs and apologized. From then on, I worked hard to make sure I tamed my tongue and ensured that they came home to a safe, loving environment. Since I came from a tumultuous home, I wasn’t sure how to do it. But with God’s help, I could change my attitude and become gentler in responding to them. After a while, I couldn’t remember the last time I yelled at my kids. 

    It’s easy to live what we learn. If we don’t have the skills to change our behavior, we will often become like the people we hate the most. While I’m the type of person who speaks her mind, it is not always good for me to say whatever comes to my mind. I need to weigh and discern which words should come out and which should not. 

    Here’s how I learned the art of taming my tongue:

    Balancing Grace and Truth

    As a writer, I find it interesting that Genesis begins with God speaking the world into existence. This demonstrates that God considers words a critical part of life. He could have created the earth with his hands and mind, but he chose to speak life into being with words.

    In the same way, I need to choose between speaking life or death to the people I know. I don’t want to be the person who constantly criticizes others. I want to be the person who speaks the truth in love and strikes a good balance between grace and truth. Although this balance is difficult to find at times, I know that words are essential, and if I don’t build my words correctly, I can leave a slew of carnage in my wake.

    Recognizing the Weight of Words

    Just as my words are important, they also carry significant weight. This is especially true with the people I love. Because I’m known as someone they can go to for blatant truth, if I’m feeling bad about another situation, it’s easier for me to project my feelings onto someone else. That person is left not knowing why I was so harsh with them, and though it makes me feel better, it’s only for the short term. In the long run, I have strained my relationship with someone I care about. 

    While it is important not to sweep words under the rug, speaking words is equally important so that I can tell the truth—but with grace. For example, instead of, “You were so stupid. Why did you do that?” I can gently ask, “Did you ask someone to counsel you before you did that? That’s not God’s best for you.” Both sentences communicate my disappointment with the other’s actions. But the first one assassinates their character. The second allows me to speak the truth and challenge them to seek other people’s opinions before they do something they may regret later.  

    If I continue to attack someone’s character, it can leave them feeling worthless, and they will likely not want to seek my presence again. This hurts not only them but also me in the end.

    Practicing a Gentle Response

    Several Proverbs talk about taming the tongue. God considers this necessary if he chooses to have almost an entire book dedicated to it. Consider these words from Proverbs 10:11: “The mouth of the righteous is a fountain of life, but the mouth of the wicked conceals violence. Gracious words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.”

    As Scripture suggests, when I am gracious and gentle with my words, they are sweet to others’ ears. However, when I’m harsh with others, I incite anger and possibly retaliation or revenge. Even if harsh words are “necessary,” they never yield healthy relationships. 

    Even when it is tempting to be harsh with someone after they’ve been harsh, I must choose to use my words wisely. As someone whose spiritual gift is wisdom, I need to use wisdom when it comes to my words. I need to choose my words carefully and speak to someone I feel can maturely handle a rebuke.

    Building Others Up

    Even when it feels good in the short-term, using harsh words with someone strains (or even severs) relationships. This causes me to go back and apologize and make the situation right. Although this is a lesson in humility, I must learn to never say those words in the first place. Just as we can sin or become more righteous each day, it is the same with our words. I can choose to use my words for good or for evil. I want to be someone who can speak the truth in love but also encourage often.

    The best way I can balance this is to use my words to bless someone each day. Whether through a written note, e-mail, or text, I can highlight something I like about someone and send it to them. Funerals are when we wish we could have said things to people. I choose each day to bless someone with love before they go. This is an excellent way for me to use my tongue to build others up rather than tear others down. 

    Reconciling

    Just as words have the power to sever or hinder relationships, they also can bring reconciliation. When I apologize to someone, I increase humility, rid myself of pride, and allow forgiveness to occur. When I am willing to work on a relationship by changing my words, I make room for the Spirit to work in my life. I can set an example for someone through kind words, but in my challenge to someone, I can choose to be gentle in that rebuke so they can receive it with love and can change. 

    We have the power to bring death or life to others. God chose to use words to breathe life into being. Through our words in prayer, we usher in the Holy Spirit and allow miracles to occur. The ability to speak will enable us to be tangible witnesses of Christ. If I choose to help those in need and only rebuke those whose motives I know and have discerned, I will be the example Christ has set to challenge and inspire hearts.

    Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/shironosov

    Michelle S. Lazurek is a multi-genre award-winning author, speaker, pastor’s wife, and mother. She is a literary agent for Wordwise Media Services and a certified writing coach. Her new children’s book Hall of Faith encourages kids to understand God can be trusted. When not working, she enjoys sipping a Starbucks latte, collecting 80s memorabilia, and spending time with her family and her crazy dog. For more info, please visit her website www.michellelazurek.com.

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  • 7 Bad Habits that Can Destroy Your Marriage

    7 Bad Habits that Can Destroy Your Marriage

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    When two people commit to getting married, they vow to be together forever. But as the years go by, it is easy to get into a marriage rut, allowing small annoyances to bloom into bad habits. Those habits, when gone unchanged, can slowly erode a firm foundation of a marriage. Here are seven habits that can cause damage to a marriage:

    The saying “the family that prays together, stays together” rings true, especially in marriage. Satan wants nothing more than to destroy a unit of two people–especially Christians—who are unified in their quest to glorify God in their relationship. The best way for him to destroy that unity is through a lack of prayer.

    Sure, it seems easy enough to skip one day of praying together. But soon, that one day becomes two, which becomes three, which soon leads to months (or years) without prayer. How can a couple remain connected to the vine when their way of connecting to God is cut off from the roots?

    2. Fighting Dirty

    All marriages experience conflict. But what will you do when you (or your spouse) fight dirty? This means launching into a character assassination or degrading the other person in an effort to “win” the argument. You may win the argument with a few blows below the belt, but the war will have just begun.

    Those words, if you haven’t apologized for them, will just pile up. Like toothpaste from the tube, you can’t take them back. Keep your fights clean by sticking to the issue at hand and the underlying fears and insecurities that lie beneath them, and you’ll have a marriage that can weather any storm of conflict.

    3. Bringing Up the Past

    When you fight with your spouse, do you stick to the current issues–or do you drudge up past mistakes, failures, and sins? God gave us memories so we can appreciate the past. But we must choose to either allow our past to ruin our present or to use it as a way to redeem ourselves and others.

    If God chooses to “forgive our sins as far as the east is from the west” (Psalm 103:12), why can’t we? Jesus was clear that if we don’t forgive others of the times when they have wronged us, God won’t forgive us of our sins. What a sobering statement! This demonstrates Jesus’ passion for Christians to freely offer the same forgiveness as Jesus did on the cross. It won’t be easy—neither was his crucifixion—but he chose to do so because of his great love for us. And we need to love others with the same level of respect.

    4. Staying Unhealthily Connected to Your Immediate Family

    There is a reason why in Genesis, God ordained that man “should leave their father and mother and the two will become one flesh.” Your mother, father, and siblings are your foundation to lean on during your childhood. But once you become married, you are to lean on your spouse and start a family with them. That means enduring trials together as a family unit, not involving your parents or siblings.

    There’s nothing wrong with asking a parent for his/her advice, but valuing their opinion over your spouse only spells trouble. When making major life decisions, make sure you make it with your spouse, not your parent.

    5. Putting Conditions on Love or Respect

    When a marriage has experienced a major trial like infidelity or other sign of unfaithfulness, the victim in the relationship may feel entitled to disrespect the other partner or withhold love for fear of being hurt again. Yet, the recipe for a successful marriage lies within Scripture: “However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband” (Ephesians 5:33).

    As wives, we should respect our husbands, whether they deserve it or not. When wives can show their husbands respect, we can in turn show ourselves respect, and thus honor our marriages.

    As well, husbands must love their wives whether they deserve it or not. It may not always look like holding hands or other physical signs of affection in public, but loving your wife means listening to her, supporting her during trials, and taking her opinions into account before making a decision. When a husband loves his wife, he also brings honor to his marriage. A marriage that has honor will eventually go back to a loving one.

    6. Prioritizing Being Right Rather than Having Right Relationship

    In today’s world, Christians are known more for what they are against than what they are for. When this is the case, their example of Christlikeness gets marred. It is the same in the marriage relationship. When a partner cares more about being right than in right relationship, the marriage relationship reflects less of the bride of Christ and more like two selfish people who only want to get something out of the relationship than giving to it.

    Each partner must commit to giving of themselves fully to the marriage rather than having to prove the other wrong, especially during conflict. Stop trying to be right and winning in the marriage and follow the example of Christ, who spent His life-giving and emptying himself so we (and your spouse) can have the fullness of life our father promised.

    7. Shutting Down Communication

    One of the best parts of a marriage is when two people share intimacy both in the bedroom and outside of it. This means both partners communicate their feelings and emotions without fear of condemnation from the other. Marriage should be a safe place where people can express themselves fully. But when there is unresolved hurt and resentment that had not been dealt with, partners shut down and only communicate on a superficial level.

     The relationship can deteriorate to the point where the best level of communication revolves around “how was your day?” Neither partner feels safe enough to express their discontentment with life or each other.

    This reduces the relationship to nothing more than roommates. Christ’s relationship with the church needs to be more than just roommates. God wants our fellowship, and so does our partner. Imagine if your relationship with God was nothing more than a list of prayer requests. How healthy would your relationship be? Take the time to resolve conflict and heal from hurt so you can keep your communication at a deep level.

    Marriage is far from easy, but when two people are committed to making it the best relationship they have, Christ is glorified, and they enjoy an abundant life of love and laughter God wants for them. If you are exhibiting these marriage habits, do the hard work to break them. This can include anchoring yourself in the word of God, seeking the help of your church or a therapist, or enlisting the help of accountability partners. Strive to be the spouse your partner deserves.

    Michelle S. Lazurek is an award-winning author, speaker, pastor’s wife and mother. Winner of the Golden Scroll Children’s Book of the Year and the Enduring Light Silver Medal, she is a member of the Christian Author’s Network and the Advanced Writers and Speakers Association. Her first book with Leafwood Publishers, An Invitation to the Table, came out September 2016. She also teaches at various writers’ workshops, such as the Montrose Christian Writers conference. She and her husband live in Coudersport, Pennsylvania, with their two children, Caleb and Leah. For more information, please visit her website at michellelazurek.com.

    Photo credit: ©GettyImages/PeopleImages

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  • How Can Exhausted Parents Create Time for Their Relationship?

    How Can Exhausted Parents Create Time for Their Relationship?

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    Parents, especially those with small children, can have difficulty making time for their spouses. Children need a lot of our physical time when they are babies because we need to care for them. When they get older, that time shifts from physical care to taking them to activities, often after a long hard day’s work. Parents frequently come home exhausted after a long day, unable to spend the quality time they need. When parents go too long without time, they can find themselves exhausted, finding that they are emotionally and physically distant from each other.

    But there’s hope. Parents can find time to invest in their relationship. Here are some ways how to do that:

    Small Moments Matter

    When people start dating, they often dedicate an evening or even a whole weekend to each other. However, that simply may not be possible with young (or even older) children. However, make the small moments count. Spend up to half an hour together eating dinner alone. Feed the kids, then send them off to do an age-appropriate activity. Have dinner alone and discuss your day. Debrief about how things are going. Don’t lose sight of emotions and little things that may be getting bottled up and need to be discussed. Often, idle chitchat such as, “How was your day?” leads to bigger discussions about important aspects of the relationship that need to be healed. If dinner is not an option, have dessert in bed or together on the couch after the kids go to bed. Turn the television off and seek to focus on each other. Because it’s easy to want to turn the TV on and vegetate, avoiding taking the time is easy. However, when we take the time to shut off our phones and screens, we will find we have more time than we once believed we did.

    Photo credit: ©GettyImages/SrdjanPav

    Hire a Sitter

    Although hiring a babysitter may financially strain a young parent’s budget, it’s vital to keep the marriage strong. Enlist the help of parents or grandparents if necessary to help watch the children. Seek to have a night out at least once a month. Even if spouses can’t afford a big night out, get ice cream, get your favorite take-out, or simply take a walk. The time spent together is more important than what the activity is.

    Seek to designate a small portion of the paycheck each week (or month) toward hiring a sitter. Set that money aside in a jar or an envelope. Strive not to spend it. Use that money as an investment in the marriage and in the future. This will give parents something to look forward to and give their relationship the emotional investment it requires.

    Put God First

    For Christians, we seek to put God first. However, it’s easy to crowd God out in our overpacked world. We often see time together for simply doing an activity or something fun. While this may be true, the most essential thing that needs to happen is to pray together. A couple that prays together is more than likely to stay together. Don’t dismiss the power of prayer. Ask each other what they could be praying for each other. This will help keep the lines of communication open and let each spouse know they are important to the other. It is easy for one spouse to talk about their day but not take the time to invest in the other. Prayer becomes more about other people than it does about themselves. Ask God to be the center of their relationship and to make time for each other with God as often as possible.

    Make Chores Fun

    Happy couple family parents in kitchen with baby kissing

    Photo credit: ©GettyImages/jacoblund

    Another aspect of being a parent is owning a home. Although it’s exciting to own a home, it is also important that they complete household chores. This may come at the end of an already over-packed week. Exhausted parents seek to prioritize these chores because they seem the most important. However, as kids get older and leave the home, it won’t be the amount of laundry folded or the number of dishes that got washed. The most important thing that will be remembered is how much time was spent together. Leave the dirty dishes in the sink and keep the laundry in the dryer for one more day. Invest the time to merely sit and talk and not be distracted by screens or other things that may take away from being present in the moment with your spouse.

    Resolve Arguments

    Sometimes, parents don’t want to invest time in each other because of conflict. Different personalities may clash when both parties handle conflict differently. Some people like to sweep it under the rug and pretend it doesn’t exist. Others explode, dealing with the conflict head-on. It is important to deal with the conflict directly and nip it in the bud. When anger and resentment go unchecked, it can be the nail in the coffin of a marriage. Make sure there is no residual anger or arguments between the two of you. If there is, sacrifice some time and seek to resolve the conflict. It is necessary not only for your health but also for the health of your marriage.

    Speak the Love Language

    Don’t discount your spouse’s love language. According to Doctor Gary Chapman, the five love languages are acts of service, quality time, gifts, physical affection, and words of affirmation. Be sure to discover which love language your spouse speaks the most. Seek to speak that language to them each day. Even if time is limited, take a few small moments out of the day to speak that love language. Perhaps it’s a text saying how much you love your spouse. Maybe it’s a bouquet of flowers purchased at the store before coming home from work. No matter how you choose to show this love language, be sure to speak it daily. Do so with no strings attached. No spouse likes to feel as if they need to reciprocate that love language. They want to feel loved and appreciated simply for being who they are, not for what they can do for you. When both parties seek to speak each other’s love language and carve out little moments throughout the day to show each other they love each other, it will be easier for them to carve out time to emotionally invest in their relationship.

    For spouses with kids, balancing quality time with work is difficult. However, the years of being a loving couple are rewarding even if they sacrifice much of our time. Be sure to invest in your relationship in as many ways as possible while sacrificing time, money, and other resources. Spouses who emotionally invest in their relationship may find that as the kids grow up and move away, their relationship is stronger than ever. When they take the time to invest while the kids are still at home, they set a good example for the kids in understanding that their spouse and their relationship come first; a healthy marriage is the key to good parenting.

    Photo credit: ©GettyImages/Antonio_Diaz

    Writer Michelle LazurekMichelle S. Lazurek is a multi-genre award-winning author, speaker, pastor’s wife, and mother. She is a literary agent for Wordwise Media Services and a certified writing coach. Her new children’s book Who God Wants Me to Be encourages girls to discover God’s plan for their careers. When not working, she enjoys sipping a Starbucks latte, collecting 80s memorabilia, and spending time with her family and her crazy dog. For more info, please visit her website www.michellelazurek.com.

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  • 6 Reasons Why Counseling Is a Saving Grace for a Troubled Marriage

    6 Reasons Why Counseling Is a Saving Grace for a Troubled Marriage

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    Marriage is a beautiful covenant between two people who love each other. It is the best example on earth of the relationship between Jesus and his bride, the church. But humans, as we have seen in Genesis in the garden of Eden, can have difficulty in their relationships. Nothing is truer than difficulties in marriage. Marriage is hard work. Marriages have ups and downs, highs and lows. But sometimes marriages can feel as if they’ve reached their breaking point, with no hope of ever returning to the fruitful relationship God meant it to be. God wants us to put our very best into our marriages. No couple should consider divorce until they have gone through the counseling process. Although counseling still has a stigma among Christians as for being for people who have serious psychological problems or mental illnesses, counseling can be a great tool for even the most difficult marriages. Here are six reasons why counseling is the saving grace for her troublesome marriage:

    1. It helps process pain.

    Each couple brings baggage into their relationship. This includes emotional trauma, childhood wounds, and emotional voids that can only be filled with Christ. However, some people try to fill it with their spouse, believing that if they just love their spouse enough and their spouse loves them, they will fill the hole in their soul that can only be filled with Christ. A counselor can help each couple process their personal pain. They may also be able to draw connections between the issues in their past and their current relationship issues. If the dots between past pain and current marriage issues are connected properly, a counselor can help couples with tools and strategies for better communication and healing past pain so that they can interact with each other in positive, healthy ways.

    2. It gives hope in the future.

    When a marriage is at its worst, it is easy for couples to over-dramatize, believing their marriage is unsalvageable. As long as the marriage is rooted in Christ, anything is possible. Those couples who put their hope in God can also find hope for their future as married couples. If even one spouse remains hopeful that their marriage can be saved, both spouses can work together to take responsibility for their issues, correct their behaviors, and move forward with a positive outlook for their marriage. As long as both spouses vow they will not give up and commit to persevere, there is still hope their marriage can be saved. Even a marriage destroyed by adultery can still have hope for its future. With the power of forgiveness and through Christ’s sacrifice on the cross, there is nothing a couple can’t endure with Christ at the center.

    3. You get a third party’s perspective.

    Jesus Christ acted as a mediator toward us in God. In every situation, we were not meant to be alone. It is always good to get another party’s perspective on an issue. When a couple is working through a difficult situation, each sees it through their own lens. A third party who is not invested in the issue can see it and give an unbiased opinion on what to do. The counselor can also help balance the scales when it comes to placing blame and each couple taking responsibility for their part in the issue. It is easy for couples to take the blame on the other and pretend it’s all the other person’s fault. Yet, they both have contributed to the marriage’s failure. Any marriage can be saved if a couple is willing to see the issue for what it is and pursue a resolution with humility and grace.

    4. Help with communication.

    Communication breakdown is one of the main issues in every marriage. When spouses cannot communicate with each other and trust is broken, they can be deceived into thinking it is easier to break up than it is to persevere. A counselor can give practical tips and strategies for each spouse to communicate and ways the other person can understand. A counselor will help each spouse communicate with each other in a way that makes the other feel heard, their feelings validated, and feel less blamed or attacked. When spouses can communicate in ways that communicate needs rather than attack the other’s character, trust and intimacy can be rebuilt.

    For example, a popular tool some counselors use is “I” statements. When couples fight, it is easy to make statements using the word you as the focus. One spouse may say, “you never help around the house,” which makes the other spouse feel like their efforts are not appreciated. The spouse can instead say, “I feel unappreciated when I do the majority of the work around the house,” communicating their need and a specific way without making the other feel like their efforts are not good enough. Further, the counselor can help understand the real need behind the statement. Is the problem just that the spouse one spouse does most of the household chores? Or is there a deeper emotional need that needs to be filled?

    5. Rebuild trust.

    Once trust is broken in a relationship, it is difficult to get back. And it doesn’t mean that it is impossible; a very good counselor can help give you homework and assignments to complete during your sessions. This may include having each person journal their feelings separately and then coming together to discuss them. The counselor may also give specific rules for communication as a way to stop the conversation if the statements become more attack and blame rather than communicating needs and desires.

    Every person wants to feel wanted by the other. But one spouse may keep the other at arm’s length if they feel they cannot trust them. By taking baby steps toward rebuilding trust, intimacy can be achieved in both spouses can achieve their need for connection and intimacy.

    6. Apply the Bible.

    Christian couples’ desires for Christ should be at the center of their marriage. However, both come from different denominational and theological backgrounds. Therefore, their interpretation of Scripture might be very different from each other. A third party, particularly a Christian counselor, can help them apply Scripture in a way that makes both the husband and wife feel needed, valued, and appreciated in their relationship. For example, it is common for couples to misinterpret or misapply the Ephesians 5 passage on marriage. A counselor can help each part of the couple fulfill their biblical duties yet give their input into situations and feel their opinions are valued and appreciated. By allowing someone from a different theological background to help them interpret the Bible in a healthy way for their marriage, a counselor can help clear up any misconceptions and allow them to apply biblical principles yet still feel as though both parties are equal partners in their relationship.

    Counseling is an excellent strategy for spouses on the brink of divorce. However, counseling does not need to be saved for when the marriage is in crisis mode. If you are in constant conflict with your spouse and communicating less, it may be time to see a counselor. You can refrain from allowing small situations to explode into significant conflicts by nipping issues in the bud.

    Photo credit: ©GettyImages/jacoblund

    Michelle S. Lazurek is a multi-genre award-winning author, speaker, pastor’s wife, and mother. She is a literary agent for Wordwise Media Services and a certified writing coach. Her new children’s book Who God Wants Me to Be encourages girls to discover God’s plan for their careers. When not working, she enjoys sipping a Starbucks latte, collecting 80s memorabilia, and spending time with her family and her crazy dog. For more info, please visit her website www.michellelazurek.com.

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  • 5 Aspects of True Love towards Your Spouse

    5 Aspects of True Love towards Your Spouse

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    My husband and I have been married for twenty-three years. The first few Valentine’s Days we spent together were very romantic as each one of us tried to demonstrate our love to each other with grander gestures each year.

    However, as the years went on, it became more difficult to think about the upcoming Valentine’s Day or how to show each other love in ways we hadn’t previously.

    Some years we felt we had gotten stuck in a rut in our marriage and were just going through the motions. We simply did things just to please the other person, and not because we really felt like it.

    Although feelings are not the ultimate indicators of whether we should show love to each other, it does make a difference. Deep feelings create a sense of motivation and urgency. When we feel motivated by something, we’re more apt to do it.

    Because love matures, we have had to understand truly the meaning of the word love.

    Agape love is defined as, “…in the New Testament, the fatherly love of God for humans, as well as the human reciprocal love for God. In Scripture, the transcendent agape love is the highest form of love and is contrasted with eros, or erotic love, and philia, or brotherly love.”

    We often throw the word love around for different things, diminishing the word’s meaning. For example, we may say we love ice cream, and we say we love our spouse. However, we love our spouses differently than we love inanimate objects.

    Love is not just something to make us feel good; it’s an action that is centered around the other person’s thoughts and feelings.

    Here are 5 characteristics that I have learned about true, agape love:

    1. True Love Means Humility

    True love cannot occur if both parties are set in their ways and too prideful to acknowledge the other person’s thoughts and feelings.

    It is difficult to strike a balance between meeting your own needs and wanting to serve the other person. However, if we change our mindset to one that our lives are in service to the other, we will understand true love.

    With love, we put aside our pride and humble ourselves. We apologize when necessary. We work out our differences in kind, loving ways. We resolve to end conflict and not let it fester.

    When we lay down our pride and replace it with humility, we experience a love that goes deeper than any other relationship we can experience here on earth. 

    2. True Love Means Forgiveness

    Sometimes the hardest person to forgive is your spouse. This is because they see the best and worst of us. They know our strengths and our weaknesses and sometimes they use it for their own selfish gain, and sometimes we do the same to them.

    However, that’s not love. To love means we forgive other people’s offenses even when they’ve done it multiple times.

    Forgiveness means to put the past behind us and choose not to remember it anymore. God chooses to remember our sins no more; that is how he chooses to forgive. But that does not mean he doesn’t remember; he simply chooses not to remember it.

    It’s the same with us. We cannot forget past hurt and pain. However, as we forgive others the way we’ve been forgiven, the pain becomes less and less.

    God, in his sovereignty, puts salve on our wounds and heals them so that we can forgive our spouses because we realize the grace that has been given to us.

    3. True Love Means Repentance

    Repentance makes it easier for our spouses to forgive us, and vice versa. Simply saying sorry and asking someone to forgive, only to do the act again, is not true repentance.

    True repentance paves the way for intimacy, trust, and deeper bonds both with our spouses and with God.

    It is not easy to change old, sinful habits into new, healthier ones, but with God’s help, anything is possible. Repentance requires that we go to God to acknowledge our sins, and we humbly ask for his forgiveness.

    Once we live in the knowledge of that forgiveness, we choose to not do that behavior anymore, not only because it hurts us, but also hurts our relationships with others.

    Repentance means to do an “about face.” That means we literally turn away from our selfish acts and turn towards the demonstration of the fruit of the spirit to others.

    Repentance is a necessary component of true, agape love that we can have for our spouses.

    4. True Love Means Intimacy

    Many relationships struggle because although the physical intimacy is there, the emotional intimacy is not. Many wives can feel a part of their relationship is missing because their husbands are not emotionally available to them.

    While some men have difficulty with emotions, it is an important part of their overall well-being. It is important for men to get in touch with their emotions so that they can empathize and comfort their wives during difficult times. And it is important for wives to be there for their husbands as they go against society to learn this skill.

    When a woman’s emotional needs are met, more than likely she will reciprocate in a physical way.

    While it’s true that men and women may differ on how they feel the most loved, whether through emotional or physical intimacy, both parties need to be for each other and seek to meet each other’s needs, not their own. 

    5. True Love Means to Exhibit the Fruit of the Spirit

    When the fruits of the spirit are evident in our lives, our relationships thrive. However, when those fruits are missing, relationships get reduced to both parties trying to meet their own selfish needs.

    The fruits of the spirit are love, joy, peace, patience, gentleness, goodness, faithfulness, kindness, and self-control (Gal 5:22-23). When we seek to add these into our lives, we become better people. When we become better people, we want to be better people for our spouses whom we love the most.

    No longer are we looking for others to meet our ultimate needs, but rather we have our identity solidified in Christ. All these fruits have one thing in common: they seek to be others-centered. We can’t be selfish when we’re exhibiting these types of fruits in our lives.

    A person who wants to develop more fruit of the spirit knows that to be the best person they can be, they must have their foundational emotional needs met by God. They need to have their identity solidified in Him and understand that their worth and value were settled on the cross, not in other people’s opinions of them.

    When they can reconcile this in their minds and hearts, they will seek to be people who strive to be tangible representations of Christ.

    Love is a word that gets thrown around a lot in our society. But few of us know what true love really is.

    As Christians, we understand what true love is as we look at the witness of Christ. However, we may feel as if we fall short because we are not like Christ and won’t be in this lifetime.

    However, we can strive to emulate Christ’s example by being humble, forgiving others, repenting of our selfish behaviors, meeting others’ emotional needs and exhibiting the fruit of spirit in our lives.

    When we can do these things, we will understand what true love is. Once we understand that true love, we want to give it to others, including our spouses!

    Photo credit: ©Getty Images/Sam Edwards

    Michelle S. Lazurek is a multi-genre award-winning author, speaker, pastor’s wife, and mother. She is a literary agent for Wordwise Media Services and a certified writing coach. Her new children’s book Who God Wants Me to Be encourages girls to discover God’s plan for their careers. When not working, she enjoys sipping a Starbucks latte, collecting 80s memorabilia, and spending time with her family and her crazy dog. For more info, please visit her website www.michellelazurek.com.

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  • Is Marriage Meant to Be a Headship or a Partnership?

    Is Marriage Meant to Be a Headship or a Partnership?

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    Ephesians 5:22– 28 gives instructions on how to run a household based on godly principles: “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now, as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.”

    Submission is a difficult concept for people to accept in modern-day society. When people hear the word “submission,” they often think of women who don’t have an opportunity to speak their minds and must be silent, allowing their husbands to make all the decisions. However, that’s an archaic understanding of the word submission.

    In day-to-day life, marriage should work as a partnership, with both parties having a say in how the marriage functions. However, in times of conflict, when both parties feel they are right, one person must submit. This helps to promote peace and allow for conflict to be properly resolved. In Ephesians 5, Paul calls the woman to be the one who submits first. A woman yielding herself to God will submit to Christ and allow Christ to direct the husband to make the decision. When a decision is made, the wife needs to support her husband. If a wrong decision is made, it’s not the time for the wife to gloat or say, “I told you so.” Instead, this is an opportunity for them both to grow in how they communicate, support, and mutually respect each other.

    A healthy marriage is both a partnership and a headship. But how can a marriage reflect both principles from Ephesians 5? Here are some ways a marriage points to both headship and a partnership:

    A Husband Who Submits to Christ Will Value His Wife’s Input

    Photo credit: ©Getty Images/Sam Edwards

    A marriage not based on mutual respect and love will cause one party to feel excluded or not valued. If a husband is in obedience to Ephesians 5, he will love his wife enough to put her first above all else, including his own opinion. When appropriate, it’s possible the husband would decide to allow the wife to make the main decision, even if the two are in conflict. This would allow the wife to be heard and for her input to be valued. When her husband makes the final decision or submits to his wife, both give God glory when one submits to the other.

    A Wife Who Submits to Christ Will Allow Her Husband to Lead

    It is difficult for a wife to submit to her husband even if she knows his decision is not the right one. A proper decision is not one in which the man gets to make the decision and make everything okay but instead makes a decision with his wife’s input in mind. He is making a decision that will mutually benefit both people. Her wife will honor and respect her husband and allow him to make decisions. If he loves her and puts her first in everyday life, it will be much easier for her to submit to him than to someone who ignores and devalues her. It’ll be more important for her to be heard even if she feels devalued somehow. However, if she is feeling honored, valued, and appreciated for who she is, it will be easy for her to submit when the time is right.

    A Husband Who Submits to Christ Makes the Best Decision for His Family

    Although it may be difficult for a wife to submit to her husband, it will be easy for her to do so if his prior decisions have always been in the best interest of his family. When a husband puts his family first and makes decisions to benefit them while making sacrifices, he has demonstrated a sacrificial attitude. This is an attitude most like Christ and one that a wife can trust when a decision becomes difficult to make. When her husband operates within a sacrificial attitude, it helps build trust and intimacy between him and his wife. She knows she can trust him because she knows he has her best interests in mind.

    Couple on couch researching on computer finances

    Photo credit: ©GettyImages/Delmaine Donson

    A Husband Loves God as Much as Himself

    The last verse in the Ephesians 5 passage talks about a husband who loves his wife as much as he loves himself. This is speaking highly of a husband if he loves himself. When we were born, we were born with a sin nature. We are naturally inclined to think of ourselves first. When we yield our lives to Christ, the Holy Spirit teaches us how to be more sacrificial and live our lives according to the fruits of the spirit. The fruits of the spirit are the antithesis of selfishness as they are others-centered—fruits such as kindness, love, patience, and gentleness benefit others, not ourselves. When a husband loves God as much as he loves himself, he will put God above all things. Even when a decision needs to be made, and he disagrees with his wife, he will make that decision based on what will be in his family’s best interest. He will not think of himself or put himself first, but rather what is in the best interest of his family. A wife who has difficulty with submission will be able to submit more readily with an attitude of sacrifice, love, and respect for her.

    Verse twenty-eight also discusses how a man loves his wife as much as he loves his own body. In addition to being born with a sinful nature, we are all born with an inclination to avoid pain and enjoy pleasure. Therefore, they will avoid anything that will cause them suffering or harm of any kind. But with the Holy Spirit, he can change from a selfish person to a selfless person. Jesus made the ultimate sacrifice, enduring suffering at the cross. In the same way, when a husband is working to do the same for his wife, submission will come easily to both parties.

    Ephesians 5 demonstrates that a marriage can both be a partnership and a headship. When a man is the head of his home, it does not mean he acts in a controlling or manipulative way, making decisions that only benefit himself. On the contrary, he makes decisions in the best interest of his family, putting her and his family first above all else. When the family operates correctly, and the husband, who is the head of the home, operates with integrity, sacrifice, and love for his wife, a marriage can demonstrate both a headship and a partnership as both people work together for the good of each other. They also give God glory by placing him at the head of their marriage.

    Related Articles:

    What Submission Is Not

    What Is Submission in Marriage?

    Photo Credit: ©iStock/Getty Images Plus/Love portrait and love the world

    Writer Michelle LazurekMichelle S. Lazurek is a multi-genre award-winning author, speaker, pastor’s wife, and mother. She is a literary agent for Wordwise Media Services and a certified writing coach. Her new children’s book Who God Wants Me to Be encourages girls to discover God’s plan for their careers. When not working, she enjoys sipping a Starbucks latte, collecting 80s memorabilia, and spending time with her family and her crazy dog. For more info, please visit her website www.michellelazurek.com.

    Related Podcast Resource: 5 Ways to C.O.V.E.R. Your Marriage in Prayer

    One of the most important things you can do for your marriage is to pray for your marriage. Learning communication skills, conflict resolution techniques and intimacy hacks are great. However, if you’re leaving your marriage uncovered by failing to pray for your spouse and your marriage, it will always be vulnerable to attacks. Prayer is an essential guiding tool to get you and your spouse on the same page and create unity in your marriage. In this episode of Real Relationship Talk, Dana Che shares her acronym C.O.V.E.R., which teaches you how to specifically pray for your marriage. To listen, just click the play button below:

    The views and opinions expressed in this podcast are those of the speakers and do not necessarily reflect the views or positions of Salem Web Network and Salem Media Group.

    WATCH: Signs You Married for the Wrong Reasons

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  • What I’ve Learned from a Broken Friendship

    What I’ve Learned from a Broken Friendship

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    We’ve all had difficult friendships in our lives we’ve had to break off. I’ve had a few friendships in my life where the relationship became so toxic that I had no choice but to terminate the relationship. As kids, we’re so eager to make friends. When we get to be adults, it becomes even more difficult because sometimes people do and say things that cause us to distrust them. When we don’t trust people, it’s difficult to build a friendship. 

    I have been in a situation where friends from church lied and betrayed us. We wanted to continue being friends with them, but the lies and the betrayal just hurt too much, and the wounds were way too deep to continue the friendship. Given the mistrust that formed in the relationship, we severed the friendship. 

    If you find you’re in a toxic friendship with someone and you’re in the process of breaking it off, here are some things I’ve learned about a broken friendship: 

    Trust Is Lost

    First, once trust is lost the relationship is severed–You cannot have a friendship based on mistrust or betrayal. Although God calls us to forgive them, it doesn’t mean we can maintain or restart the friendship. Repentance would have to be at the heart of the friendship being restored. Although it’s true God can do anything in our lives, including reconcile friendships, the reality is both parties must accept responsibility and repent of behavior for a relationship to continue in a healthy way. Jesus calls us to forgive those who have hurt us, but he does not want us to enter into the same friendship again so those people will hurt us once more. We are to be good stewards of everything, including our hearts. 

    Based on Equal Effort

    Second, friendships are based on equal effort–If you find that your friendship is one where you give way more than you receive, it may be time to break off that friendship. While it’s important to sacrificially give to everyone in your life, friendships are the catalyst for deep fellowship, intimacy, and connection. If any of those things are not present, the relationship cannot continue. If after your broken friendship, you feel you can no longer continue the relationship it is okay to grieve and move on. Take some time to heal before pursuing another friendship. A person who only takes and never gives is being reckless with your emotions. God does not want us to become entangled with another person’s sins. Protect yourself when you can and strive to move on so you can receive the benefit of the human connection you need. 

    However, people don’t always do grief well. When we experience any type of loss, it’s tempting to cover our deep wounds and say, “It’s okay, Jesus is my true Friend,” or “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” Although the statements may be true, it’s not an excuse for not grieving your loss. Any friendship you lose is subject to sadness and grief. All those emotions are normal, but it’s important not to stuff them away but to express them openly. If necessary, consult the help of a professional to help you process the grief. A counselor may have some practical strategies for you to process and accept the situation before moving into another relationship. Allow him to help you brainstorm strategies so you can grieve your loss. This is not only important for your spiritual health to grieve that relationship but also not take that baggage with you into future friendships. 

    Ghosting Isn’t Friendship

    Third, a friend that ghosts you is not your friend at all–I’ve had friends who, when asked to meet up again, aren’t truthful. Instead of telling me directly that they don’t want to meet anymore, they simply don’t respond at all. Too often in Christian churches, we mistake cowardice for grace. Instead of talking openly about our feelings, we cover them up even though we’ve never fully processed the wound. If someone avoids or ghosts you, they were never really your friend in the first place. You deserve friends who love you and are willing to go through the hard times–both good and bad. People who don’t have the maturity to talk to you directly are not being gracious; they’re being cowardly. 

    Look at Job

    Fourth, look at the example of Job–Job believed he had friends who would love him unconditionally. Instead, they told him all the ways he must have been sinning to receive God’s wrath. This caused Job not only to be in physical pain but also emotional and mental pain. Sometimes breaking up from a friendship, although painful, maybe in your best interest. People who simply cover things over with platitudes are not mature enough for friendship. 

    It’s important to surround yourself with wise people who understand Scripture and know the grace of Jesus. It’s also important to treat everyone the same way you would want to be treated. Therefore, we should speak openly and directly to everyone and if there’s a conflict, do whatever we can to resolve it. Matthew 18 gives us a good guideline for what we should do in this conflict. If we have an issue with someone, go to them directly and point that out. This is a way not to resolve conflict but rather to point out their sin for the good of the church. If the person doesn’t want to hear it, bring someone along to mediate the issue so that both can speak honestly about their feelings. Sometimes a misunderstanding occurs, and a friendship is lost because of a misunderstanding. Verify the facts and make sure you know the whole story from both perspectives. If the person doesn’t want to continue the friendship, it’s best to simply cut it off. 

    It’s not easy to break up our friendship but there’s hope in knowing Christ will never leave us alone. In the dark days of feeling alone after a broken friendship, Jesus wants to meet our needs. Jesus knows what it is like to lose friendships, especially after Peter betrayed him by denying his involvement with Jesus. Allow him to heal you spiritually through the gift of the Holy Spirit, allowing him to transform you into a Christ-like character through these friendships. Consider what you’re gaining rather than what you’re losing. A friend who doesn’t treat you as a friend, takes more than they give, and is someone you cannot trust cannot be your friend anymore. In the end, you’ve lost your friendship, but you will gain spiritual renewal, restoration, and the ability to move forward in freedom. Freedom is a great gift from God, and he gives it despite loss and brokenness. Jesus wants us to have friends, but he also wants us to put Jesus first. Jesus would never allow someone to treat him in a poor way or undermine his authority. 

    Any friend who is selfish or untrustworthy is truly not a friend. It’s not easy to cut off the friendship, but in the end, it will afford you more freedom than you’ve ever felt before. Then you can move on and invest in other friendships that may be rich and rewarding experiences for your life. 

    Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/Alexey M

    Michelle S. Lazurek is a multi-genre award-winning author, speaker, pastor’s wife, and mother. She is a literary agent for Wordwise Media Services and a certified writing coach. Her new children’s book Who God Wants Me to Be encourages girls to discover God’s plan for their careers. When not working, she enjoys sipping a Starbucks latte, collecting 80s memorabilia, and spending time with her family and her crazy dog. For more info, please visit her website www.michellelazurek.com.

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  • 5 Simple Habits for a Happy Marriage

    5 Simple Habits for a Happy Marriage

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    When they get married, every couple sets out to have a happy marriage. Couples often have ideas about how to achieve this happiness, often focusing on their own needs rather than the other person’s needs. When those needs go unmet, however, it can quickly turn into discontent, causing the couple to turn on each other to look for fulfillment. But that fulfillment only comes from Christ. Couples buy every self-help book or other resource to help them have a happy marriage. They may also go to counseling to work on their issues, which is a great first step. But there are some things couples can do to give themselves the needed attitude adjustment. Here are five simple habits for a happy marriage:

    Couples who are unhappy in their marriage need to ask themselves: are my needs focused on myself or the needs of my spouse? When each spouse vows to take the focus off themselves and place it on their partners, they can have a more fulfilling marriage. Seek to put your spouse first in everything. This can range from simply helping out with chores to sacrificing your time and resources to take them out of a toxic situation that is harming them. Marriage takes sacrifice. But in this culture, sacrifice is a thing of the past. Couples often feel if their needs are not being met, they can simply get a divorce or put up a boundary that does not leave room for open, honest, and direct communication.

    Ephesians 5:22-24 says, “Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.”

    People who take this verse out of context believe the woman must allow the man to do whatever he wants. But a man who is doing his part to give himself up for her and put herself first as Christ did for the church will find a woman who wants to submit to him. This passage directs couples to put each other first. When each person can put aside their own selfish needs and focus on the other, they’ll have a much easier and ultimately happier marriage.

    Related:

    What Is Submission in Marriage?

    2. Put Christ at the Center

    Above all else, couples need to put Christ at the center of their marriage. That means seeking the Lord on every decision moving forward. This is everything from how to spend their money to how to divide household chores and to how to raise their children. As humans, couples will run into issues that cause this conflict. But if both seek the Lord and his will for their lives, it will be easier for them to yield to the Lord and not to their own opinions. Christ sought for couples to have easier lives if they are yoked together with someone who has the same beliefs and perspectives. For the areas in which they disagree, Christ asks them to put aside their differences, cast their cares upon the Lord, and watch him work as they seek his will for their lives.

    3. Be Good Stewards

    Photo Credit: ©iStock/Getty Images Plus/Nattakorn Maneerat

    Couples can have a happier marriage if both seek to be good stewards of what God has given them. This means both people caring for their home, their bodies, their children, their finances, and possessions, among other things. While we all make mistakes and are far from perfect, if each partner has good time management and dedicates a portion of their time to care for the things God has given them, it will demonstrate how much they care for each other. Another great way to be a good steward is to make time for each other. Investing in your marriage is an investment in the covenant between man and wife. This is also an investment in the gospel message as it seeks to reflect the relationship between Christ and the church. If couples are doing everything they can to achieve intimate connection communication and striving to make each other better in their relationship, taking care of other areas of their lives will become much simpler.

    4. Leave and Cleave

    Genesis 2:24 says, “That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.” A couple needs to understand that once they get married, they are no longer bound to their former immediate family. This Scripture dictates that husbands and wives must come together to create a new family unit. This does not mean they have to forsake their parents and siblings altogether, but rather re-prioritize so their spouse is a part of their new family. That new family should come first, period. For example, if there is a conflict between parents and spouse, the spouse’s feelings, opinions, and perspective should come before the parent’s.

    This is the same for any children. While the children are a necessary part of the family unit, you must put your spouse and their feelings ahead of your own children’s. You have eighteen years with your children, and then they grow up to have their own lives. But when you got married, you vowed to be with your spouse “till death do you part.” You’ll be with your spouse much longer than you’ll have your children in your home. Set a good example of what a healthy marriage will look like by putting each other’s opinions first, even if there are moments when you don’t agree with your parenting strategy or the other’s perspective on life.

    5. Set Good Boundaries

    Although both couples vow to share every part of their lives together in a marriage, there are times when couples need to set good boundaries with each other in situations where trust has been broken, or unhealthy patterns develop. Part of your vows and marriage is to honor one another. But when the trust has been broken, or one person consistently violates someone else’s space, proper boundaries must be put in place for a happy marriage to be sustainable. Talk openly about this situation and let the other person know the boundaries you were going to set. Don’t simply set the boundary and then not communicate why and what you are doing. It will be unfair to your spouse if they violate that boundary to understand where the line ends and where their access to you begins. If the partner consistently crosses over boundaries because of control or selfishness, ask them to seek the help of a professional to help them process why they do what they do. It is not honorable for someone to constantly break boundaries and create unnecessary emotional stress. Seek to set these boundaries for her time and then remove the boundaries once you feel the person has repented. Slowly build back your trust by granting them greater access to your thoughts, emotions, and feelings.

    Marriage can be one of the most difficult relationships in your life. But it could also be the most rewarding. Although our true happiness only comes through Christ Jesus, Jesus places men and women in marriage covenants so that they can achieve the same contentment and joy we will feel with Jesus in heaven. By putting the tips above into practice, you may find a healthier and happier marriage in the new year.

    Photo credit: ©Getty Images/monkeybusinessimages

    Writer Michelle LazurekMichelle S. Lazurek is a multi-genre award-winning author, speaker, pastor’s wife, and mother. She is a literary agent for Wordwise Media Services and a certified writing coach. Her new children’s book Who God Wants Me to Be encourages girls to discover God’s plan for their careers. When not working, she enjoys sipping a Starbucks latte, collecting 80s memorabilia, and spending time with her family and her crazy dog. For more info, please visit her website www.michellelazurek.com.

    Related podcast:

    The views and opinions expressed in this podcast are those of the speakers and do not necessarily reflect the views or positions of Salem Web Network and Salem Media Group.

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  • 5 Scriptures That Differentiate Between Effective and Ineffective Communication

    5 Scriptures That Differentiate Between Effective and Ineffective Communication

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    As babies, we learn to communicate as we take in all different types of communication, both written and verbal. Our parents are the biggest example of good communication versus bad communication at that stage. As we get older, we learn to use both spoken words and nonverbal communication (including gestures) to communicate to the world around us. As we get to be adults, however, that becomes more difficult than ever. We must evaluate what’s being said, but also the interpretation of what’s being said. It’s through the interpretation that we often make mistakes, and conflict sometimes results. 

    Communication allows people to express their thoughts and feelings freely. It is also appropriate communication when the receiver interprets it properly. Communication is more difficult because what we think we hear, we filter through biases that result from unprocessed trauma, wounds, and pain from our past. When we filter our communication through these lenses, it makes it more difficult to understand what the communicator is really trying to say. 

    As Christians, this can get muddy, especially in the church setting. People hear what they want to hear, and in so doing, can often create unnecessary conflicts. I have been embroiled in several conflicts due to miscommunication or misunderstanding between the giver and the receiver. Sometimes, I was able to resolve it; other times, I was not able to resolve it. After each incident, I learned the importance of asking for help when it comes to communicating feelings clearly and not allowing unprocessed pain to stain my ability to love others the way Christ loves them. I am still a work in progress. 

    Scripture helps us differentiate between appropriate and inappropriate communication. As a communications major, I studied different types of communication: both the importance of verbal—what is being said—and non-verbal, including gestures, body language, and tone. These elements of communication are critical to evaluate when it comes to determining whether something that was communicated is appropriate. Most importantly, the receiver needs to evaluate their feelings after a communication exchange. If they feel uncomfortable, it’s possible it was inappropriate. Here are some ways through the Bible to be able to differentiate between effective and ineffective communication:

    First, Philippians 4:8 says, “Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.” Communication doesn’t begin with what comes out of the mouth but rather what is thought in the head. Gone unchecked, incorrect thoughts can turn into Satan’s lies. These thoughts can affect how we perceive and understand communication. It is important to think about things in our lives that align with scripture. If you’re unsure how you should think in regard to Scripture, start with the promises of God. God sees us as his children. He loves us. Because of grace, we are no longer under the law. All our sins we’ve done or ever will do are covered under Christ’s blood and shed on the cross. Therefore, if we ask for forgiveness and repent from our behavior, God will, in turn, forgive our sins and cover those sins under his blood. 

    Second, Romans 12:2 tells us to “Do not conform to the pattern of this world but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing, and perfect will.” This is important because if we’re not renewing our minds with the truth of God’s word and allowing those lies to go unchecked, they will hamper how we communicate with others. This is where prayer is so important. In situations where accountability is needed, it is important to check what you’re about to say with someone else. Allowing someone else to hear our thoughts (whether written or spoken) will help us understand what the receiver is truly hearing. Although there is a level of perception that we cannot change, we can certainly check to see if the words we say will benefit the person or cause further conflict. 

    Third, Ephesians 4:29 says, “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” Although there are times when we cause discouragement in others’ hearts, our communication should be encouraging for the process of building people up, rather than tearing them down. If someone hurts us, for example, it is important to take that to the Lord in prayer rather than hurt the person with our words. Taking it to God in prayer and forgiving that person will help us to see that person clearly and therefore not allow communication to build positive relationships to continue. 

    Fourth, Ephesians 4:15 says, “Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ.” This 

    is where churches miss out on spiritual growth. Many people slip into Sunday service, sing the songs, listen to the sermon, and slip out without ever having any accountability as to how to apply it to their lives. Small groups are an option rather than a requirement, and people are not held accountable for their actions towards others. If we love others, we must speak the truth. However, this does not give us permission to speak however we want or assassinate someone’s character. This is not what Jesus meant for us to do. Leaders need to make sure their souls are healthy before they handle any communication issues. We see through our own biases they may do more harm than good by resolving our own pain and wounds to deal with the situation as diplomatically as possible. 

    Fifth, we should always demonstrate the fruits of the spirit. Proverbs 16:24 says, “Kind words are like honey— sweet to the soul and healthy for the body.” We need to exemplify the fruits of the spirit. Ephesians 5: 22-23 says, “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things, there is no law.” As we seek to see more of the Holy Spirit in our lives and ask him to fill us every day, we will treat others with the fruits of the spirit, including kindness and gentleness. We will not speak out of our own pain or woundedness but rather speak to people out of the love of Christ. When we love others the way Christ loves us and are driven by the fruits of the spirit, our communication will always be beneficial and appropriate rather than harsh and inappropriate. 

    It is difficult to differentiate between appropriate and inappropriate communication. However, the Bible gives us a great pathway to understand what it means to speak for the benefit of the receiver. Although there are some areas that we cannot control, we can do our best to make sure we follow the guidelines outlined in Scripture so that every word that comes out of our mouth will reflect the Christlike character God wants for us. 

    Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/PrathanChorruangsak 

    Michelle S. Lazurek is a multi-genre award-winning author, speaker, pastor’s wife, and mother. She is a literary agent for Wordwise Media Services and a certified writing coach. Her new children’s book Who God Wants Me to Be encourages girls to discover God’s plan for their careers. When not working, she enjoys sipping a Starbucks latte, collecting 80s memorabilia, and spending time with her family and her crazy dog. For more info, please visit her website www.michellelazurek.com.

    Related podcast:

    The views and opinions expressed in this podcast are those of the speakers and do not necessarily reflect the views or positions of Salem Web Network and Salem Media Group.

    So when sin is not being confronted, or even viewed as sin at all, it’s time to address it with the hope of gently helping to restore believers caught in its web. Here are 10 sins that often go overlooked in Christian community.

    Stock Footage & Music Courtesy of Soundstripe.com Thumbnail by Getty Images

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  • Sibling Rivalry – What Is Healthy and What Are Warning Signs

    Sibling Rivalry – What Is Healthy and What Are Warning Signs

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    When I was a kid, my parents played favorites as to which child received more attention. My mother favored my sister, so there was a natural sibling rivalry as I fought to get my mom’s attention too. Because she was an only child, she overemphasized the need for fairness. Therefore, if my sister got something, she made sure I received it too. The problem was that as a one-income household, I often had to wait weeks to receive the same reward. This sent the message that I was second best. This caused friction between my sister and myself. Because she was the oldest, she held authority over me, but that didn’t mean we didn’t get into our share of arguments. Perhaps my sister and I would get along better now if there wasn’t so much sibling rivalry back then.

    Now that I have kids of my own, history has repeated itself. Both my children have sibling rivalry against each other. They often get into competition about who gets better grades, who gets the most stuff, etc. This is one area I never balanced well as a parent. Because I had so much rivalry with my sister, I never learned how to navigate healthy sibling relationships. Human nature dictates there will be some level of competition within a family structure. It is natural for other siblings to be jealous if one sibling gets something over another sibling. This is especially true for people in the Bible. Joseph was favored by his father and received a beautiful multi-colored coat. This jealousy caused his brothers to sell him into slavery. There are other examples of rivalry within the Bible. It is our natural inclination to get envious when someone has something we don’t have. This is especially true if we view that special reward as a gesture of love. It can make us seem like we are less loved if we didn’t receive the same reward. 

    Jealousy Breeds Rivalry

    God does not want us to live with a spirit of jealousy but rather one of contentment, knowing that God will supply all our needs as he sees fit. When someone receives a blessing, it is wrong of us to get jealous. Rather, it is best to rejoice with them when God lavishes his love on their family, career, health, etc. 

    But not all rivalry is bad. The healthy spirit of competition between two people who want what’s best can spur each other on to do incredible things. This is especially true when someone is working on something specific for the Lord. For example, a friend that is writing a book at the same time as me spurs me on to work hard and finish in a similar timeframe as my friend. This is not for me to get glory, but rather to finish an otherwise daunting task within a reasonable timeframe or even earlier. However, there are warning signs when rivalry is getting the best of people. 

    Toxic Rivalry

    Here are some warning signs when sibling rivalry is getting bad:

    If it ruins a relationship- When siblings part ways because they can’t be happy for the other person, the rivalry has gone too far. Jacob tricked Esau into giving him his blessing in exchange for a cup of soup. Jacob’s jealousy over Esau receiving the blessing that Jacob wanted caused him to deceive his father. It robbed Esau of his rightful blessing. Jacob and Esau’s relationship was severed forever because of that deceit. 

    If it causes them to sin- Similarly, God liked Abel’s offering and not Cain’s. Cain gave less than his best offering to God, while Abel gave all his best crop to God. When it was clear God recognized the difference, Cain’s jealousy overcame him, and he murdered his brother. When siblings are sinning against each other because they’re jealous of each other ‘s accomplishments, possessions, or popularity, the rivalry has gone too far. Life is too short to wish a sibling harm. Although there may be times when even a sibling’s toxicity must be dealt with by establishing firm boundaries, it’s never a good idea to cause sin to separate brothers or sisters. 

    If it causes unhealthy competition- It’s one thing to have healthy competition during a night of board games. It is quite another when every conversation is with each sibling trying to outdo the other. Families miss out on rich, meaningful conversations when topics are dictated by pride. While it is nice to rejoice as a family in each other ‘s successes, when the announcement is made to cause someone else to feel inferior while it makes the other person feel superior, it’s time to call the conflict quits. 

    In God’s Kingdom, there is no competition. Although it is easy to compare social media numbers and collect awards like they’re tokens, God pours his blessings out when and how he deems fit. It is not for us to decide but rather rejoice in each other ‘s successes. Although it is nice to have others rejoice with us when we succeed, sometimes the best success is to remain silent and allow God to give us his glory later. 

    If it causes division- COVID caused great division in our country. People fought over vaccinations, masks, or keeping churches open for public worship. It’s one thing to express an opinion or perspective, and it’s quite another to lose a friendship over it. Siblings do not need to be divided, but rather unified. This is especially true for Christian families. It does not give God honor when we become divided over petty things like possessions or popularity.  

    Although I did not grow up in a Christian home, I have had arguments over possessions with my sister. Although I wish it didn’t have to be that way, it is difficult to be in a relationship with someone who takes something that is rightfully yours. Although God asks us to live in peace with everyone, he also did not ask us to be a doormat. He expects us to speak the truth in love and consider our brothers and sisters in Christ our family rather than our blood relatives. 

    Each sibling is an individual. He or she must make his or her own decisions when it comes to health matters, political matters, etc. Although it may spark healthy debate at the dinner table, when the debate gets heated and people stop talking because of opposing viewpoints, the rivalry has gone too far.  

    God wants us to honor him by being unified. This includes siblings. Jesus said it best when he said “A prophet is not welcome in his hometown” (Mark 6:4). Families are sometimes the hardest people to get along with. Sibling rivalry has a lot to do with that. Strive to keep a relationship at peace rather than trying to be right in a relationship. It gives God glory and allows you to benefit from intimate connection with others because of it.

    Photo Credit: ©iStock/Getty Images Plus/AntonioGuillem

    Michelle S. Lazurek is a multi-genre award-winning author, speaker, pastor’s wife, and mother. She is a literary agent for Wordwise Media Services and a certified writing coach. Her new children’s book Who God Wants Me to Be encourages girls to discover God’s plan for their careers. When not working, she enjoys sipping a Starbucks latte, collecting 80s memorabilia, and spending time with her family and her crazy dog. For more info, please visit her website www.michellelazurek.com.

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  • 6 Prayers for a Broken Marriage

    6 Prayers for a Broken Marriage

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    Marriage is the ultimate covenant between two people. When two people are joined in marriage, they vow to love, honor, and cherish each other through the best and worst of circumstances for the rest of their lives.

    Not only is marriage God’s plan for his people but also marriages are to reflect the love of Christ and the church. Marriage is also the place where people see us at our worst. When we have unprocessed trauma and pain in our lives, the person we take it out on the most is our spouses.

    This can cause our marriage to break down, and both parties stop thinking about each other and start focusing on themselves. The unmet needs and desires they have in marriage, which are not met, result in partners being angry and sometimes bitter.

    But there’s still hope. When two people ask God for his help and obey his commands, even the most broken marriage can be mended.

    As Christians, it is more important than ever to be praying for people’s marriages, especially for those who are going through a difficult season.

    Here are six prayers for a broken marriage:

    1. Father, Heal Us

    One of the most important aspects of a healthy marriage is that both parties work on healing anything that hinders their emotional, mental, and physical well-being. Any emotional wounds that someone has can infect both the person’s abundant life and also the people around them.

    It is difficult to be around two people who are constantly fighting or, worse, assassinating each other ‘s character. To combat this problem, spend some time alone with God. Ask him to show you any areas of your life where you are not healed.

    If unhealed trauma results, and you need to forgive someone, forgive them. If brokenness means you’re in conflict with someone, do your best to settle the conflict. Nip conflict in the bud as soon as possible.

    Ask God to keep healing old wounds until they’re completely healed. Psalm 34:18 says, “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”

    2. Father, Speak to Us

    Many marriages are broken because they don’t hear from God regularly. When a person becomes a Christian, they yield their lives to God. This means they allow him to direct their steps when it comes to their future spouse, their career, and everything in between.

    God’s will is not for divorce but rather wholeness and healing. Although we should not look to our spouses to fill our lives with happiness, God does want us to work together in marriage to exemplify his joy in our lives.

    After asking him to heal old wounds, ask him if there’s anything specific, he wants to tell you. The holy spirit dwelling within you wants to speak to us. He yearns to be in fellowship with us. This includes him telling us things that are for our education, comfort, and encouragement.

    3. Father, Forgive Us

    It is easy in a marriage to place blame on the other. Adam blamed Eve after they fell victim to the serpent’s evil ways. Since the beginning of time, people have wanted to place blame and make things someone else’s fault.

    Yet, when we analyze our relationships, we often find we are just as guilty as the other party. Take the time to forgive your spouse for whatever they’ve done. This may take months or even years.

    That’s okay. Forgiveness is a process; people often want to skip the process because it’s hard work. Forgiveness is hard; so was Jesus’ death on the cross. He died for us to live a life of freedom. That is the impetus to forgive our spouses.

    Additionally, sometimes the person we can’t forgive is ourselves. Despite the reality that Jesus’ blood covers all our sins, we often want to hold on to our grievous behavior as a spiritual penance so that we can earn God’s forgiveness.

    But God’s forgiveness came when Jesus died on the cross. We can live in freedom and ask God to forgive us, knowing that he is just and will forgive all our sins, even the ones we think are too horrible for God.

    4. Father, Help Us Reflect You

    Both partners in a marriage mirror the love of Christ for the church. Each person reflects Jesus. The best way we demonstrate our adoration for God is if we honor the marriage covenant. It is difficult to mirror Christ in a relationship where unmet expectations and trauma abound.

    This is especially true if there is emotional or mental abuse within the relationship. The best thing we can do is seek help from professionals who can help us work through our issues so we can be the best spouse we can be.

    5. Father, Give Us Peace

    Scripture says, “As long as it stands with you, a little peace with everyone” (Romans 12:18). Although reconciliation may not be possible in every relationship, we should both strive to make sure that happens.

    Peace may not be possible in every situation, but peace is what gives us the freedom to live a life secure in our identity as God’s child.

    Peace is not necessarily just the absence of fear, but rather it is the contentment of knowing that Christ is in control of each situation and he wants what’s best for his children.

    Proverbs 3:5-6 says, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.”

    Sometimes God’s will is beyond our comprehension. But it is not our job to figure out what God’s will is. Our job is to simply trust him and know he will act on our behalf.

    We can take comfort knowing God is in control and that we don’t have to figure out every situation to rather just yield to him.

    6. Father, Help Us to Love as You Love Us

    God loves us unconditionally. But we love others with conditions. Jesus sees people through the lens of sinners in need of a savior. He came to show all the world would have hope in him.

    As humans, however, we place expectations on people, and when they hurt us, we are apt to cut them off or spend no time with them.

    We see people through the lens of our past pain and feel the spirit, but God, who’s forgiven all sins, has already paid the penalty for our sins. He lives in the security of knowing that the wages of sin is death, but Jesus paid that debt in full.

    If we could learn to be more like Jesus, we would see people through the lens of love and forgiveness. When we believe we are fully loved, fully forgiven, and that God loves us no matter what, we are more apt to see others in the same light.

    This helps us more easily forgive people and love them just as Christ loves us. In our own humanity, however, that can be difficult. We must anchor our lives to Scripture and live as people fully loved. When we can do that, we can forgive and love others the same way.

    If you are having difficulty in your marriage, reach out to a friend, pastor, or other leader who can help you sort out the issue. Make sure it is not someone we’ll see things with bias but rather someone who can look at it objectively.

    Take their advice and do the hard work it takes to turn your marriage around. There is no sin that has not been covered fully by Christ, including your marriage. Let God be your guide, and allow him to transform both you and your spouse from the inside out.

    For further reading:

    a-troubled-marriage.html”>Prayer for a Troubled Marriage

    51 Marriage Prayers and Prompts to Pray Over Your Relationship

    How Can Believing in Soulmates Ultimately Ruin Your Marriage?

    Photo Credit: ©iStock/Getty Images Plus/Prostock-Studio

    Michelle S. Lazurek is a multi-genre award-winning author, speaker, pastor’s wife, and mother. She is a literary agent for Wordwise Media Services and a certified writing coach. Her new children’s book Who God Wants Me to Be encourages girls to discover God’s plan for their careers. When not working, she enjoys sipping a Starbucks latte, collecting 80s memorabilia, and spending time with her family and her crazy dog. For more info, please visit her website www.michellelazurek.com.

    This article originally appeared on Christianity.com. For more faith-building resources, visit

    Christianity.com. Christianity.com

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  • 4 Reasons Why We Have a Hard Time Talking about Loneliness

    4 Reasons Why We Have a Hard Time Talking about Loneliness

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    In society, we are bombarded by media as well as social media. We live in a world that’s more connected than ever. Yet so many people are lonelier than ever. This is especially true for people within the church.

    Although we may feel like we’re really connected to people, the reality is we have people in our lives that know the least about us. We go to church on Sunday, grab a cup of coffee, worship the Lord, and then leave without anyone even saying hello or wanting to know more about us.

    This contributes to a superficial level of communication that we think solves the problem of loneliness. Not only that, but people often don’t want to talk about loneliness as Christians because they feel if they do, they’re not connected to God, or they’ll be judged in some way.

    We all experience loneliness from time to time. Jesus himself went to lonely places to pray. Loneliness can be a good thing if we take the time to be alone to examine our thoughts and analyze behaviors.

    However, people often put on a fake smile when in church or at work. It’s difficult to tell people that we’re lonely. Here are some reasons why people don’t like to talk about loneliness.

    1. We Believe Something Is Wrong with Us

    As a pastor’s wife, I often get ostracized in my local church. It is difficult for me to achieve intimacy with people in the congregation.

    Because people think they can’t be real in front of me because I might tell my husband what we discuss, it only increases the amount of loneliness and the desperate need for affection in the community.

    You may feel because you don’t have friends or connect with people often, people will think and believe there’s something wrong with you. God created community for a reason.

    Communities afford us fellowship with one another. You can’t have community without isolation. Yet it is important for us to be alone so God can speak to us.

    2. We Don’t Want Pity

    Once we start talking about how lonely we are to others, people feel like they must meet up with us out of guilt.

    People don’t want to feel lonely because they feel like they’re being punished or their personality is too hard to deal with. Yet God created us all individually with a purpose and a plan.

    God speaks through prophetic visions and dreams, but if we’re not alone long enough to hear from him, we can’t achieve deeper intimacy with God.

    People often want to avoid loneliness by turning on a television or music just to take away the fact that they have no one around them.

    Loneliness can come in a couple of forms: we can feel lonely because no one knows us, or we feel lonely even with a crowd of people around us. Either way, you can use that loneliness to your advantage and take time to be with God.

    3. We Don’t Want to Be Vulnerable

    People don’t like to talk about loneliness because they must deal with issues buried deep in the soul. People don’t like talking about loneliness because it seems like a bad thing. But loneliness isn’t always bad. Here are some ways loneliness is a good thing.

    First, it gives us a deeper relationship with the Savior. Although God can speak in any capacity he wishes, it is more difficult when we are surrounded by other technologies that don’t allow the Lord to speak.

    By being alone, I can read the Word in more depth and ask God to share his deep thoughts with me. But I can’t do that if I’m with people constantly.

    Second, it allows me to pray. Scripture says we should “pray without ceasing.” This means praying continuously throughout the day. But this is hard to accomplish at work or at home with their families.

    If Jesus found it appropriate to get up early, go to lonely places, and pray, then we should too. We should begin every day with this time of silence and aloneness, ready to hear from God and pray we give over to him every need and desire we have.

    Third, when we are lonely, it gives us an opportunity to commune with God through his Word.  When we are lonely, the first thing we should grab is the Bible. If we grab for other things, such as music, television, or food or drink, we need to analyze why we’re doing it.

    Loneliness is there for a reason. We need to make new friends and commune with people whom we trust. The lonelier we are, the more untrusting we become. We become untrustworthy individuals when we are alone for long periods of time.

    When we’re going about our day, it is easy to think we don’t need anyone. This creates independence when we should be in community. Analyze your church and see if there are people who are in similar situations, backgrounds, or ages as you.

    Strive to increase your fellowship this year by participating in events or simply exercise your gift to hospitality by having people over your home. Some of the best moments I’ve communed with God were not in the Sunday church service but rather having people over at my home.

    The ability to become vulnerable eradicates superficiality when we are at home. This will help you not feel lonely but realize that people accept you as you are.

    4. We Fear Rejection

    Loneliness can make us feel rejected and unaccepted. Some of people’s deepest needs of acceptance and approval from others. Although we are to run to God with our needs, fellowship does have its place.

    When we are being encouraged by our local church brothers and sisters, we get rid of loneliness and embrace community. As you meet with people regularly, you will find any critical spirit you may have made all but dissipate.

    Loneliness can be difficult at times. But there’s hope. By sharing fellowship with people and engaging in real fellowship, you will experience acceptance and approval like never before. We all need people to hold their hands up when we are struggling.

    That is part of the whole community in your life. When we are absent from that community, we experience loneliness. Holiness is also a lure for the enemy to speak lies into our lives. If gone unchecked, those lies can become what we believe.

    When we exchange the Word of God for a lie, we don’t experience an interdependent life in Christ. If we can learn to be in fellowship and accept people as they are, we can speak into their lives when they’re struggling.

    We were never meant to do life on our own. Throughout Scripture, we see disciples going out two by two. Adam had Eve and there are many other examples of people who were never alone on their journey. Above all, you know that God has not left you. He’s there more than you realize.

    Loneliness can be the catalyst for us to experience true community as we become more vulnerable and allow others to accept us as we are. When we do, we experience an intimate relationship with God like never before.

    For further reading:

    What Does the Bible Say about Loneliness?

    hristianity.com/wiki/god/can-god-help-us-in-our-loneliness.html”>Can God Help Us in Our Loneliness?

    How Does the Bible Help with My Loneliness?

    5 Ways to Overcome Loneliness in Your Marriage

    Photo Credit: ©iStock/Getty Images Plus/martin-dm

    Michelle S. Lazurek is a multi-genre award-winning author, speaker, pastor’s wife, and mother. She is a literary agent for Wordwise Media Services and a certified writing coach. Her new children’s book Who God Wants Me to Be encourages girls to discover God’s plan for their careers. When not working, she enjoys sipping a Starbucks latte, collecting 80s memorabilia, and spending time with her family and her crazy dog. For more info, please visit her website www.michellelazurek.com.

    This article originally appeared on Christianity.com. For more faith-building resources, visit

    Christianity.com. Christianity.com

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  • How I Learned to Combat Conflict in My Marriage

    How I Learned to Combat Conflict in My Marriage

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    Conflict can be good if you see it from the right perspective, but conflict is also hard, especially in a marriage. Conflict can be good in that it resolves deeper issues, unmet expectations, and miscommunications, but it could also cause a rift in our marriage that is hard to resolve. Our spouses see us at our best and our worst. It is easy for us to take out our areas of pain and frustration on our spouses, but simply because they are in our lives doesn’t mean we can use them as a punching bag. When I chose to see my spouse in a new light and understand the role healthy conflict has in our marriage, I could resolve arguments in a godly way. 

    First, I saw my spouse as an ally rather than an enemy. This was the most important part of shifting my perspective. I sometimes saw my husband as the enemy against me, using words like weapons and hurling insults because he was not there to support me. I had unhealthy expectations that he would always love and support me unconditionally—perfectly. Those are things I can only get from God. I was using my husband as a way to take out my greatest frustrations instead of seeing him as an ally. I now see him as a flawed person who makes mistakes just like me, and it has helped me forgive him in areas where I was wronged.

    Look Past the Past

    Second, I was able to look past the past. Although I was diligent in forgiving current situations, it was easy for me to bring them back up again during present conflict. But that is not what Jesus did. To be an example of Jesus, I needed to forgive my spouse and choose to remember his sins no more. That especially includes the sins committed against us. This may seem impossible, but it can be done with God’s help. Just as God still remembers our sins yet chooses not to use them against us, we can choose to do the same when it comes to our spouses. We are only doing ourselves a disservice when we choose to hold past offenses against our spouse. If I wanted to have a good marriage, I had to let go of the past and forge ahead toward a healthy marriage for the future. 

    Take Personal Responsibility

    Third, I had to take responsibility for the parts of the conflict where I was wrong. Instead of shifting blame to my spouse in every situation, I had to analyze my part and responsibility in the offense. I sometimes laid blame even when I had been wronged, and I had to take responsibility for my part in that. When I was able to take responsibility, bring it to God, and ask God for his forgiveness, I could rest assured knowing that Christ’s blood covered all my past wrongs. Not only that, but I was able to view my husband’s wrongs in the same light. God chooses not to hold his offenses against me. If I am to be an example of Christ, I can’t hold his past offenses against him either. 

    Choose Your Battles

    Fourth, I chose my battles. I saw the conflict as the problem, but often, it was just a symptom of a much larger problem. For example, if I saw extra dishes in the sink and it was his turn to do the dishes, I would explode at him for not doing his share. However, it was my feelings of unappreciation and a feeling of being used that were my underlying issues rather than his lack of diligence regarding the chores. When I could go to God with my deeper needs for appreciation and ask God to validate who I am in Christ, the dishes became an act of service rather than a chore to be endured. 

    When I was able to shift my perspective and ask God to meet my deeper needs rather than going to my spouse, I was able to see the relationship for what it truly was: a partnership where we mirror Christ and the Church. Because we are human, it can often be messy. Both husband and wife make mistakes and hurt the other. The more that happened and the more those situations piled up, the more difficult it became to forgive and to love with the same love Christ had for me. When I was able to work through my issues regarding feeling unappreciated or undervalued, I was able to see that God is the only one who can meet my needs. If you are struggling with deeper needs, there is hope. 

    During your quiet time, ask the Holy Spirit to reveal any past situations where you felt this need for the first time. As I examined my life, I often found these deeper feelings did not come from my spouse but rather from my bad childhood experiences. When I was able to forgive the offender for not meeting my needs, I was able to see my spouse in a more loving way. A great resource for this is Soul Care by Rob Reimer. In it, he takes the reader through several areas where the soul may have emotional baggage that, when resolved, can lead people to a free life in Christ. When I was able to rid myself of deeper wounds and issues that I could not change, I was able to walk in freedom. I also noticed my physical, mental, and emotional well-being were better off because of the work God had done in my life. 

    See the Partnership

    Fifth, I was able to see my marriage as a partnership: two equal people working together to accomplish the work of the Kingdom. When I saw one of us as more than the other, it skewed my relationship and allowed one of us to act superior toward the other. This caused a sense of inferiority that I could not change. When I started seeing myself as inferior to others, it skewed my worldview, hindering my ability to see others with the same eyes that Jesus sees them. I had to change how I saw myself. I had to rid myself of pride and ambition and see myself as a sinner in need of God’s grace.  When I was able to see myself for who I truly am—a person whose sin Christ’s blood covered on the cross, I was able to see people for who they were. How I viewed myself affected how I viewed others. 

    When we see ourselves with the truth of Scripture, we can hold tight to God’s promises and know that regardless of what happens, he sees us as his child, dearly loved. When I could see myself in that same vein, I was able to work within the confines of how God wired me. This gave me a feeling of deeper meaning and purpose. When we live every day as if we have a specific purpose, we can have the assurance that God will use us to accomplish his work. When I saw myself as a unique individual created by God to do the job only he has given me to do, it gave me a purpose much deeper than simply earning a paycheck or having a good marriage. This allowed my conflict with my spouse to reduce greatly. I knew my attitude had changed when I found my conflicts were fewer and farther between. I can’t say we don’t ever fight, but when we do, I try to see the situation from my spouse’s perspective. When I can look at this situation healthily, I take responsibility for my part, forgive when I’ve been wronged, and move forward to accomplish God’s work. 

    Love Like Christ

    Sixth, I could love my spouse the way God loves him. Although I can’t say I love my spouse unconditionally, I love him in a deeper way than I did when we first got married. When we were dating, I often saw a relationship as what he could do for me. Now I see it as what I can do for him and how we can move forward together in accomplishing his work. Whether it’s ministering to our local church or discussing our hopes and dreams, I can love him with the same love that Christ has for his people. When I do this, I understand, in a new way, God’s love for his children. Conflict is inevitable, but we don’t have to be in conflict regularly. By observing the steps above, you can choose to see your spouse in a new way. When you choose to see your spouse in the way God sees them, you can see your spouse and your marriage in the same way God sees it. 

    Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/fizkes

    Michelle S. Lazurek is a multi-genre award-winning author, speaker, pastor’s wife, and mother. She is a literary agent for Wordwise Media Services and a certified writing coach. Her new children’s book Who God Wants Me to Be encourages girls to discover God’s plan for their careers. When not working, she enjoys sipping a Starbucks latte, collecting 80s memorabilia, and spending time with her family and her crazy dog. For more info, please visit her website www.michellelazurek.com.

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  • How to Break Up with a Friend (and Wish Them Well)

    How to Break Up with a Friend (and Wish Them Well)

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    The knife went in, only a bit deeper this time. A friend had spread gossip about me, ruining my reputation and, ultimately, our friendship. The person who was my friend became my enemy. 

    Insults were hurled; accusations were made; feelings were hurt. A myriad of emotions stung my psyche. Hurt. Betrayal. Anger. I had invested my time, money, and extensive resources in this person. Now it was all I could muster not to wish for a refund on this raw deal. 

    They were supposed to be our friends. How could they do this to us?

    As time went on, a new set of emotions emerged. Bitterness. Resentment. Rage. I was hesitant to forgive and reluctant to trust anyone again. As I reflected on my feelings, God reminded me of this verse in Luke 6:27-28: “But to you who are listening I say: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you.”

    After reading that verse, I knew I had the best weapon of all—the gift of blessing. Satan was trying to steal our joy, but I wasn’t going to let him get away with it. As God always does, He allows us to take part in the redemptive work He is doing in the lives of His children, thwarting Satan’s plans to seek vengeance. That meant instead of seeking retaliation, I could seek to bless those who curse me. 

    Bless rather than sling mud?

    Speak blessings rather than speak curses?

    Did I even have it in me?

    Even though that friend betrayed me, I could, through the truth of Scripture, end the relationship by speaking blessings over her life. It wouldn’t be easy, but I could find redemption in a toxic relationship. 

    What Makes a Relationship Toxic? 

    Here are the ingredients of a toxic friendship:

    First, trust has been broken. The most important part of any relationship is that both people can trust each other. When trust is broken, it is difficult to continue in the relationship. Both parties must feel safe in a friendship. When one person feels they can’t trust the other, it is time to move on. A friend is someone with whom one can share their innermost thoughts and feelings and know those thoughts will be held with the highest confidentiality. When that person confides in someone else what was said, the relationship is over. 

    Second, certain expectations must be met. Both parties should accept each other for who they are, not try to spend their time changing the other person. Each party must feel it is a safe space for them to share and be honest with each other. When one party creates an unsafe space for the other, it’s time to re-evaluate the relationship. A friend is someone who loves us regardless of the circumstances. When one party starts to put conditions or limits on that love, it’s a toxic situation that needs to be resolved immediately. 

    Third, if the relationship drains me physically, emotionally, and mentally, it’s time to end the friendship. Both parties must be getting something out of the relationship. It can’t be one-sided. When one person acts more like a therapist than a friend, it’s time to end the friendship. This is especially true if someone tends to take more than they give in their friendship. Distance is best in a relationship where one takes more than they give. However, I wouldn’t recommend simply ghosting someone but rather having a heart-to-heart conversation with them. Sometimes having a hard conversation with them is all it takes for the relationship to continue. If, after having a conversation with them, they’re hesitant to change, it’s time to end the relationship. 

    Fourth, if they disrespect boundaries, it’s time to end the friendship. Every relationship should have specific boundaries regarding emotional and mental space. This way, there are no ambiguities as to where the relationship begins and where it ends. If a friend disrespects your boundaries, whether it means breaking confidentiality, betraying your trust, or asserting themselves in situations where they don’t belong, it’s time to create some distance. 

    Fifth, if passive-aggressive or dismissive behavior emerges in your friendship, it’s time to call it quits. Friendship does not require that both parties agree on every issue, but a friend should value the other person’s perspective enough to hear her out and consider it. A person who merely dismisses a concern or becomes self-centered in their behavior is not a friend worth keeping. 

    Blessing Enemies—a Tall Order

    Friendships can be enriching and rewarding experiences for both parties. But if toxic behavior results in any of the situations above or in any other situation not mentioned here, it is time you take a timeout on your friendship. It will be hard to grieve the loss of a friend. But in the end, you’ll benefit emotionally, mentally, and physically because of it. 

    After allowing Luke 6:27-28 to work in my heart, I presented myself with a challenge. For one week, I would pray a prayer of blessing over my enemies in the hopes that it would not only change my perspective of the situation but also my heart. Only God could want me to offer this to Him because I resisted it with every fiber of my being.

    Reluctantly, I sat in my chair and spoke this prayer aloud:

    “Lord, please bless ________. I know he/she is my enemy right now, but please bring your healing to the situation. Turn our turmoil into peace, our sorrow into joy, and our despair into hope.”

    On Monday, the words were like eating sour lemons—downright unpleasant. By Wednesday, they came a bit more naturally. By Friday, they tasted sweet like honey, rewarding them and me. 

    Praying a prayer of blessing over my enemies is a tall order. When I think about the situation, it still brings up feelings of anger and betrayal. Yet, Jesus afforded me the gift of forgiveness with His death on the cross. If He can bless His enemies then so can I. It’s far from easy, but worth it because blessing someone who hates me makes me love them even more. Every time I do it, something within me changes. My character becomes more like Jesus. The words become less bitter and a little sweeter. My thoughts are a little less angry and a little more peaceful.

    I hope one morning when I utter those words, I won’t have to think twice about them. I hope they will roll off my tongue with ease. I’m not quite there yet, but I’m getting there. Like Proverbs 16:24 says, “Gracious words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.”

    Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/MangoStar_Studio

    Michelle S. Lazurek is a multi-genre award-winning author, speaker, pastor’s wife, and mother. She is a literary agent for Wordwise Media Services and a certified writing coach. Her new children’s book Who God Wants Me to Be encourages girls to discover God’s plan for their careers. When not working, she enjoys sipping a Starbucks latte, collecting 80s memorabilia, and spending time with her family and her crazy dog. For more info, please visit her website www.michellelazurek.com.

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  • How I Learned to Communicate with My Husband

    How I Learned to Communicate with My Husband

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    One day, when a conversation about completing chores quickly turned into a fight resulting in criticism and blame, I realized something:

    Although I had no problem expressing myself or my feelings about a situation, I didn’t know how to communicate in a way that created a positive solution as a result. Often, our fights would leave in hurt feelings and awkward silences, but rarely did anything change after they occurred. After many years of feeling stuck, I decided to figure out how he gave and received information. I decided to look at myself rather than my husband to figure out how best to deal with the situations where we felt stuck. 

    Here are some of the things I discovered about how to communicate with my husband:

    Dealing with Unmet Expectations

    First, I had to get rid of unmet expectations. In marriage, each of us comes with expectations and assumptions about how the other person will or should act. But when that person doesn’t live up to our standards, it makes it more challenging to have the marriage that we desire. I had to get rid of my unmet expectations for him. It wasn’t fair I was expecting him to act and behave in a way that was contrary to who he truly was. When I could get rid of what I expected from my marriage and instead focus on what I had, it made it easier for me to communicate. As I analyzed my expectations, I realized my expectations were rooted in some idealized version of what a husband should be. Instead, I needed to figure out who he was and communicate in a way where we both left the conversation satisfied. 

    Stopping the Blame Game

    Second, I stopped placing blame. Although in every situation, both parties have played a role in the breakdown of the marriage, I had to stop blaming him. When I can express my feelings about how I feel about a situation, rather than attacking or accusing, we both communicate more effectively. No one wants to feel as if they are responsible for every bad situation in the marriage. But both parties have contributed in some way to having an unhealthy marriage. When I come to grips with the fact that I am partly to blame, I can resolve my own issues and change my communication to achieve the result I desire. 

    Discovering a Solution

    Third, I communicated the resolution in a way where both of us could take a role in resolving the problem. For example, if I found too much money was being spent out of our bank account or we weren’t sticking to our budget, I would communicate a solution in such a way that both of us could compromise and make the necessary changes to have a healthier financial situation. For example, I would agree to buy only what we needed if he would agree to pay attention to how much money was being withdrawn from the bank account. This way, both of us could take responsibility for being a part of the finances and come up with a solution without resulting in character assassination. 

    Reflecting on the Core Issue

    Fourth, I asked myself what the underlying issue was behind our fights. When I discovered we were often fighting about the lack of love and acceptance we felt from each other, we were able to resolve what was really going on. For example, we might get into a fight about one of us doing more chores than the other. But what was underneath was the resentment I felt when it seemed like one person didn’t care for the other. When I understood the actual issues underneath the fight, I was able to discover a compromise that both parties could be okay with. This helped us not feel like we were spinning our wheels, never getting anywhere in our conflict, but rather we were able to communicate in such a way as to communicate each other’s need for love and acceptance instead of just a better distribution of the household responsibilities. 

    Meeting in the Middle

    Fifth, I embrace compromise. In every situation where we come to a communication impasse, I can think of a compromise where both of us can be happy with the results. Although sometimes a situation calls for one of us to sacrifice for the other, we are able to give a little. When we are able to do that, we find we have more in common than we have differences. Marriage is a two-way relationship. Both parties must give themselves for the relationship to function at optimal capacity. It can’t be one party doing something and the other following blindly along. Both parties must feel valued and appreciated in their relationship. That means one spouse must give to the other even when they want to be selfish and focus on their personal needs or desires.

    Releasing Control

    Sixth, I gave up control. I stopped trying to control things that were out of my control, and I started to work on myself because it was the one thing I could truly change. During my daily quiet time, I worked on the issues that might be hindering me from a vibrant relationship with God. I asked him to recall old hurts, wounds, disappointments, fears, or unforgiveness that might be standing in the way of a good relationship with my husband. God, in his faithfulness, brought to mind each and every situation I needed to deal with. It was a long process, but once I was done, I felt lighter, like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. 

    Once I was able to let go of everything in my life holding me back from the freedom Christ wanted for me, I was able to change my communication style to communicate both what I needed but also what I wanted. Sometimes we think our communication is clear; however, what we say and what others hear can be two completely different things. I made sure I was clearly communicating both my needs and wants to my husband. I also give him ideas for how to meet those needs. When I could do these things, my relationship got much better. And I ultimately realized that the only Person who can fill my needs and wants is Christ. Instead of controlling relationships in my life, I had to learn to let them go and care more about my reaction to the situation rather than how they were behaving in this situation. 

    Marriage is one of the most difficult relationships you’ll ever have. But it can also be the most rewarding experience because that person knows you the best. The other person sees you both at your best and your worst. When both husband and wife can learn how to communicate in a way that communicates both their concerns with the situation and their underlying needs, wants, and desires, it can be a stilling relationship for both parties. Above all, when we function properly in a marriage, we give Christ glory because it is the mirror of Christ and his Church. 

    Photo Credit: ©iStock/Getty Images Plus/Ivanko_Brnjakovic

    Michelle S. Lazurek is a multi-genre award-winning author, speaker, pastor’s wife, and mother. She is a literary agent for Wordwise Media Services and a certified writing coach. Her new children’s book Who God Wants Me to Be encourages girls to discover God’s plan for their careers. When not working, she enjoys sipping a Starbucks latte, collecting 80s memorabilia, and spending time with her family and her crazy dog. For more info, please visit her website www.michellelazurek.com.

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  • 5 Signs a Couple Is Called into Missions Work

    5 Signs a Couple Is Called into Missions Work

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    In addition to having a plan and purpose for each of our lives, he is also wired each one of us with spiritual gifts. These spiritual gifts can be used both in a secular setting and in a church setting to strengthen both believers and nonbelievers. It is important to know how you and your mate are wired so that you can use those gifts in the best way possible. Scripture names different spiritual gifts in 1 Corinthians 12 and Romans 12. While these are not the only spiritual gifts God uses, this is a great place to start if you are not familiar with your gifts. Additionally, you can purchase spiritual gifts inventories online and in print. These are similar to exams schools administered years ago. These inventories consist of a set of multiple-choice questions. Fill in the bubble of the corresponding number with how you rate within that gift. For example, a question might be, “I hear from the Lord through visions and dreams and feel called to deliver that message to others.” This statement would correspond to the gift of prophecy. You must answer depending on how similar you relate to that statement. The answer could range from “most likely” to “never. “Then, add the numbers using the grid in the back. The gifts with the highest numbers are most closely aligned with how you are gifted. Although this is not an absolute authority on this subject, it will give you a good idea of what spiritual gifts you might have given your personality, passions, and tendencies.

    If you’ve never taken a spiritual gift inventory before, this might be a very refreshing process for you. It is exciting to discover God’s unique pattern in your life. Understand that no one is completely gifted the way you are. No one can do what you do. You were placed on this earth for a reason, and spiritual gifts are a part of that. As you take the test, you will determine if missions or evangelism are a part of those spiritual gifts. If you feel called, yet missions did not come up as a spiritual gift, don’t fret. Pray together as a couple. Ask God to confirm this calling in your life in a way that would be evident to both of you.

    Photo Credit: ©iStock/Getty Images Plus/BrianAJackson

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  • 5 Practical Ways to Set Boundaries

    5 Practical Ways to Set Boundaries

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    Doctor Henry Cloud and Doctor John Townsend wrote a book called Boundaries. In it, they help Christians understand that boundaries are a biblical and necessary way of living. It is important to make sure people do not take advantage of you and mistreat you simply because you are a Christian. This is true for both believers and non-believers. Some Christians believe simply staying silent or allowing other people to mistreat us and simply saying “that’s OK” in response is being gracious. It is only a form of cowardice that allowed us to avoid our responsibility to speak into each other’s lives so that we may be better people for it. There are five practical ways to set boundaries:Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/qunamax

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  • What Should Christians Do When Church Leaders Gaslight Them?

    What Should Christians Do When Church Leaders Gaslight Them?

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    Church is messy. Christians sometimes do or say things that cause someone else to become offended. Christians who are offended by another church member should go through the process of Matthew 18 to resolve the dispute.

    But if that church member doesn’t listen, it’s important for the church member to go to a leader to have them intervene. It is equally as important to address the church leader if you have a concern with their moral conduct or theological views that they express either in public or private.

    However, leaders just like church members can lack the emotional maturity to take accountability for their actions.

    To save face or seek the approval of others, some gaslight these members into believing their concern is invalid or unnecessary. What is gaslighting, and what should a Christian do if a church leader gaslights them?

    Gaslighting is defined, according to Merriam-Webster, as “psychological manipulation of a person, usually over an extended period of time that causes the victim to question the validity of their own thoughts, perception of reality, or memories and typically leads to confusion, loss of confidence and self-esteem, uncertainty of one’s emotional or mental stability, and a dependency on the perpetrator.”

    Some examples of gaslighting might be:

    • Denial of behavior
    • Pretending conversations never happened
    • Words and actions do not match
    • Minimizing or ignoring behavior

    Leaders sometimes use gaslighting as a tool to wield their power against someone else or maintain power or authority. Although most Christians aren’t familiar with the term gaslighting, as it’s a term most counselors use, gaslighting is a form of abuse.

    It is an abuse of power, and it is also a form of mental abuse. What could Christians do if they feel a leader is gaslighting them?

    1. Confront Them Directly

    Even if the leader’s behavior is far from approachable, it is important to confront them directly. However, it is important to have a witness with you to make sure words are not twisted or manipulated to make you look like you’re wrong.

    Be clear in your complaint and express what they are doing and why they are doing it. Sometimes leaders don’t know what they’re doing. It is important for you and Christian to go and point that fold out to them.

    Matthew 18:15-17 says, “If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. But if they will not listen, take one or two others along so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector.”

    2. Report Them to an Authority

    If he does not want to hear what you have to say, it is best to go to the authorities above them. If they are part of a denomination, most denominations have a leader or someone who is above them that oversees their church.

    Tell the overseer what is going on and provide evidence if necessary. If you can, keep your correspondence in writing so that you can provide this evidence to the overseer if necessary.

    If interactions are by phone, get permission to record the phone calls and then hand them over to the overseer as well.

    3. Leave the Church

    It may be best to leave the church entirely if you’ve gone through all the proper channels and no one addresses your concerns. Although it won’t help you recover from the abuse you’ve suffered, it’s always best to remove yourself from a toxic situation.

    You can let the leader know of your departure and the reasons behind it. Let them know to remove your membership if you are a member of the church.

    4. Seek Help

    Seek the help of a counselor to help you get past the emotional and psychological abuse. Although Romans 12:18 makes it clear that “if it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone,” God never wants us to endure abusive people, words, or actions to make us question our own reality.

    God is the God of truth. If someone doesn’t listen to the truth, it is best for your overall well-being to leave the situation. The council is an unbiased opinion that can help you see the situation from a different perspective.

    They will be able to give you tips and strategies on how to deal with the negative emotions associated with the events. It will also give you advice on how to go through the process of forgiveness.

    Although you may not feel like forgiving someone based on their actions, we are commanded in Scripture to forgive others just as Christ has forgiven us. When we forgive someone, we release ourselves from the anger, and the hurt someone else’s actions cause us.

    We also give the other person the gift of the freedom Christ gave us through his death on the cross. Forgiveness not only releases the offender, but it also releases the offended as well.

    5. Don’t Gossip

    While it is tempting to gossip to other friends and family about the situation, especially those who are in that same church situation, don’t make the situation worse by gossiping. It only breeds dissension and disunity within the body.

    It will not help the situation, and although it may feel like it may make you feel better in the short term, it will only destroy relationships in the long term. Allow your friends to make the decision to either stay in the situation or leave.

    You don’t have to lie if friends ask you why you left, but you should never counsel them to leave simply because you’re disgruntled. God does not want us to resort to retaliatory measures to even the score.

    What Does This Mean?

    Gaslighting is a form of abuse that has been allowed (and even accepted) for many years. For Christians to become more self-aware and take the necessary steps to love themselves as Christ loves them but also to love the other person, they must establish firm boundaries and make sure gaslighting never happens again.

    It is important to point out this as soon as it is occurring so that the other person may be restored. If the leader chooses not to change their behavior or acknowledge their actions, it may be best to leave the situation altogether.

    Report them to the authorities above them and seek the necessary help you need to release yourself from the abuser and continue to walk in freedom as in Christ Jesus.

    For further reading:

    Who Holds Pastors Accountable?

    Why Do People Stop Going to Church?

    What Are Modern Examples of a ‘Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing’?

    What Does Matthew 18 Say about Conflict Resolution Within the Church?

    Why Is Shame Connected to the Church?

    Photo Credit: ©iStock/Getty Images Plus/ArtemisDiana

    Michelle S. Lazurek is a multi-genre award-winning author, speaker, pastor’s wife, and mother. She is a literary agent for Wordwise Media Services and a certified writing coach. Her new children’s book Who God Wants Me to Be encourages girls to discover God’s plan for their careers. When not working, she enjoys sipping a Starbucks latte, collecting 80s memorabilia, and spending time with her family and her crazy dog. For more info, please visit her website www.michellelazurek.com.

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  • 5 Reasons It Is Dangerous to Be Unequally Yoked

    5 Reasons It Is Dangerous to Be Unequally Yoked

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    In his letter to the Corinthians, Paul warns about couples being unequally yoked. To be unequally yoked means for two people to have different opinions when it comes to their faith in God. 2 Corinthians 6:14 says, “Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?” A yoke is a harness that farmers will place on two oxen to keep them together. When one ox pulls its head, the other follows. Because of this yoke, one ox can lead the other in a completely different direction from where it’s supposed to go.

    It’s the same in the marriage relationship. A Christian who marries a non-Christian can easily be swayed into going down the wrong path. Unbelievers can sway believers or compromise on their faith practices. No one is immune; even the strongest Christian can fall away from the faith if not careful. Christians must surround themselves with other Christians so they can do life together. Jesus always paired disciples two by two. There is nowhere in the Bible where anyone did anything alone. Being alone makes us susceptible to the enemy’s schemes. A couple who chooses to get married should be on the same page regarding their values and faith. 

    Here are five reasons why it’s dangerous to be unequally yoked:

    1. It Will Separate You from God

    Not only do Christians need to have a personal relationship with God, but this relationship with God is also especially important because one partner teaches the other about Christ. There’s no coincidence that when Jesus sent out his disciples in Luke 9:1, he asked them to go out two by two: “When Jesus had called the Twelve together, he gave them power and authority to drive out all demons and to cure diseases, and he sent them out to proclaim the kingdom of God and to heal the sick.” Jesus knew it is easy to be swayed by the enemy when you’re alone. It is important to be in community with those who have like-minded faith and values, so you don’t waver from the work God is calling you to do.

    2. It Devalues Your Partner

    A Christian’s marriage partner is not their charity case. It is not fair for a Christian to believe they can change the other person when they get married or that the person will change their values once they get married. A couple should love each other for who they are. They can simply point each other to Christ, who will transform them into more Christ-like characters. It is best for each person in the marriage relationship to choose each other and keep their faith their priority. This is so there are no disagreements regarding regular church attendance, raising kids, or their views on religious practices that may or may not contribute to their salvation. Each religion has its own views on faith, salvation, and who God is. It is important that the couple shares the same Christian views so one does not try to change the other’s worldview in the future.

    3. You Will Not Hold the Same Values

    Even if you get away with not sharing the same view or your own personal faith journey, it is important when children become part of the family. Both partners need to have a united view on how they will raise their children when it comes to religion. Will they be more free-range and allow the child to choose? Will they follow the scripture and “train a child in the way he should go” (Proverbs 22:6)? Even if one partner is more spiritually mature than the other, both need to commit to reading the Word and praying together so their values will align. A couple not in unity over how to raise their kids will be disappointed when their children stray from the faith when they become adults. 

    4. It Will Hinder You from a Vibrant Relationship with God

    Not only will your partner not hold the same values as you when it comes to faith, but he/she may also hinder your personal relationship with Jesus. One partner can be easily convinced by the other to skip church for one week. But as those habits develop, one week becomes one month, which becomes one year, and soon after, you won’t be able to remember when you last went to church. Without a local church to anchor you in the Word of God, and without a faithful prayer life, it will be easy to be swayed and your viewpoints altered more by your tv screen than your Bible. Prolonged exposure to cell phones, tv screens, and game consoles will alter your understanding of morality in God’s presence in the world. It will become easier to forget that God is in control of everything. He asked us to abide in his Word and abide in him so that through him, we can do the work that he is calling us to do.

    However, if you choose to marry someone you think will change over time, make sure you are clear regarding your expectations involving your faith. Let your partner know that you choose to read the Word and pray regularly, want to attend church faithfully, and raise your children to do the same. Anyone who doesn’t hold that view is not someone you want to be with for the rest of your life. Marriage is a lifelong commitment. Divorce should not be an option unless necessary. Make sure you marry someone you can spend the rest of your life with. 

    5. It May Alter Your Calling

    It is one thing not to attend church together or pray or read the Word regularly, but it is quite another if one person feels called into some sort of spiritual ministry. People who feel called into the pastoral ministry need to have a partner who feels equally as called. One partner that does not feel called will distance themselves from the church, and the church will suffer as a result. A church who hires a pastor deserves to have a couple who is equally as dedicated to the ministry. Although the couple may take on different roles, they both need to understand the priority it will take in their lives. Sometimes pastors are awakened in the middle of the night to visit a church member in the hospital and preside over funerals or weddings on weekends and other special days. A family makes great sacrifices when a person is in ministry. This is also true if a couple is called into mission work. Each partner must feel called into missions work, or else the ministry will suffer as a result. 

    For a marriage to be successful, both partner needs to share similar views on many different topics of life. But none is as true as their faith. If faith is a priority in your life, you want to marry someone who holds the same value. Hebrews 10:24 says: “And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds.” Not only will the two of you together be able to do sufficient work for the Kingdom, but you each will also grow and mature in your faith because of each other’s presence. 

    Photo Credit: ©iStock/Getty Images Plus/mofles

    Michelle S. Lazurek is a multi-genre award-winning author, speaker, pastor’s wife, and mother. She is a literary agent for Wordwise Media Services and a certified writing coach. Her new children’s book Who God Wants Me to Be encourages girls to discover God’s plan for their careers. When not working, she enjoys sipping a Starbucks latte, collecting 80s memorabilia, and spending time with her family and her crazy dog. For more info, please visit her website www.michellelazurek.com.

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  • 5 Reasons Culture Has Made Sex Casual

    5 Reasons Culture Has Made Sex Casual

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    We can all agree culture has changed over the past thirty to forty years. Since the 1980s, movies and tv have been infiltrated with gratuitous sexual content. When the Bible stopped being a priority in people’s lives, they replaced it with entertainment. When people watch more television than they do reading their Bibles, it is easy to get confused about what is right and wrong. Because we live in a post-Christian nation, the values the Bible espouses are no longer the ultimate authority. Many people, including Christians, believe they can decide what is right and wrong for their lives. This has created a culture where wrong is right and right is wrong. Additionally, the average church member attends church only once per month. This is a stark contrast to the 60s and 70s when parents made church the priority, as well as Wednesday night Bible study. Church was a pillar of the family system long ago, but that is not always the case today. Because of this, sin (especially sexual) has become more casual, and more people are falling into it than ever before. Here are five reasons culture made sex more casual: Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/David Prado

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