Tag: Michaela Jaé Rodriguez

Almost as though American Horror Story is actively trying to get worse with each new season, AHS: Delicate proves to be no exception to the rule. Which is really saying something considering how atrocious AHS: NYC (which should have been called AHS: AIDS) was. And the season before that, AHS: Double Feature. In fact, the last time American Horror Story showed much promise was with AHS: 1984, before it fizzled out by the finale. Indeed, that’s been AHS’ biggest issue for a while now: losing the plot about halfway in. Not, as some would think, casting Kim Kardashian in a lead role. Because, almost as though to hit the nail over the head with the Faustian pact motif, Kardashian’s involvement in the project has actually been the most praised thing about it. But then, it’s not as though Kim playing a soulless gay man trapped inside a woman’s body is out of her “range.” Nor is it to deliver such lines as, “This is where Harvey Weinstein ejaculated into a plant. Iconic.” Because if Kim is known for one thing more than being “famous for being famous,” it’s being a fame-mongering hanger-on who will cling to any form of celebrity like stink on shit. In truth, she’ll cling to literal shit, too (never forget her appearance at the opening of the Charmin Restrooms to “ceremoniously” unlock the doors to these public toilets in Times Square). 

As such, playing a publicist is right on-brand for all the name dropping required of such an ass-licking profession. And oh, how Kim knows all about licking ass (especially Paris Hilton’s). As does her “character,” Siobhan Corbyn, a woman who, behind the pretense of being an obsequious ballbuster, is actually, well, practically the devil herself. Or at least one of the devil’s key minions/fangirls. For that is, at her core, what Kardashian truly is: a fangirl. That much has been emphasized with her oft-repeated story about being the Queen of Pop’s neighbor when she was a kid. For, yes, she grew up in a house in Beverly Hills that was supposedly “next door” to Madonna’s…even though Madonna would have either 1) been gone most of the time during that period or 2) been living in Malibu with then-husband Sean Penn, but whatever (as Kim said on a more detailed occasion, Madonna “at a time period in her life, moved in with her manager who happened to be our next door neighbor growing up.” Though one doesn’t hear too much about a “period” when M lived with Freddy DeMann, unless it was to hide out during fights with Sean).

Kardashian also repeated this anecdote (the one that goes with talking about how M gave her and Kourtney all her “old” jewelry) while promoting the finale of AHS on Jimmy Kimmel Live!, adding in the proclamation that she was Madonna’s “dog walker,” even though there’s also little to be found about Madonna ever owning a dog in the 80s, save for a scoured-for mention of her giving Sean Penn a puppy (though there seems to be no photographic evidence anywhere of said puppy). Lawd knows whatever happened to that poor creature. Particularly if Kardashian really was tasked with walking it. 

In any case, she’s sure to lead with her “Madonna tales” in lieu of talking to Kimmel about the show (perhaps because it’s so shameful and it’s better to keep the focus on “stories of celebrity”). At the same time, Madonna is actually a key aspect of the show—a “running thread,” if you will. Starting in the second episode, “Rockabye.” By this point, it’s already been established that one of Siobhan’s major clients (and her “best friend”), actress Anna Alcott (Emma Roberts), is supposedly “all in” for awards season, willing to work whatever red carpet she has to in order to secure the nomination for an Oscar. All at the vehement urging of Siobhan. Her enthusiasm for “the road to Oscar” prompts her to show up at Anna’s apartment and announce, “I have a connection at The Paper Bag Princess in West Hollywood” (a very specific mention, by the way). She then proceeds to open the box she brought with her and say, “Obviously, you’re welcome.” What she then takes out is a white gown that looks absolutely nothing like the one Madonna wore at the 1991 Oscars (apart, of course, from sharing the same color).

And yet, Anna is quick to jump on what would be an obscure reference to any non-gay viewer by gasping, “It looks just like the dress Madonna wore at the 1991 Oscars.” Siobhan replies, “That’s weird. Except it isn’t—because this is that exact dress.” Anna screams in delight as Siobhan insists, “Literally put it on.” “Do I have to, like, pray or something before?” “No, just do not rip it.” This, clearly, is an allusion to Kim Kardashian’s own back(side)lash after donning Marilyn Monroe’s iconic Jean Louis gown from the night she sang “Happy Birthday, Mr. President” at a fundraiser/birthday celebration for JFK in 1962. 

Upon seeing Anna don the frock, Siobhan insists that they go into her room so she can see herself in the full-length mirror. She then miraculously produces a matching white stole (to further insist that this is Madonna’s exact Oscars ensemble) and proceeds to sing the most cringeworthy rendition of “Sooner or Later” possible. Of course, this isn’t the first time Kardashian has “paid homage” to this particular night in Madonna’s storied history of momentous appearances/performances at awards ceremonies. She previously dressed as M from the 1991 Oscars for one of her Halloween costumes back in 2017, with Kourtney dressed in the same garb as Madonna’s date for that evening, Michael Jackson. So yes, it would seem Kim has a stronger affinity for this pop culture moment than most. And maybe showrunner/writer of all nine episodes, Halley Feiffer, was inspired to incorporate Madonna at the 1991 Oscars precisely because Kim once dressed as her (and wore a dress that looked far more similar than the incredibly plain bullshit Anna tries on). 

As if referencing the dress in such a sacrilegious way wasn’t enough, Anna and Siobhan then manage to sing the first verse (“Sooner or later you’re gonna be mine/Sooner or later you’re gonna be fine/Baby, it’s time that you face it I alway get my man”) before the mirror rightfully cracks and shatters in response. A mirror that already advises, “Don’t Do It Anna.” Counsel that wasn’t taken in any way, shape or form—least of all with further denigrating Madonna’s 1991 Oscar night legacy by singing the Dick Tracy anthem (which did, by the way, win the Oscar for Best Original Song that night). 

While one might think this would be enough to sate the apparent tarnishing quota on “Sooner or Later,” Feiffer doesn’t stop there, opting to bring back the song once more in the finale (which is perhaps supposed to come off as creepy and sinister in both contexts, but only reads as utterly embarrassing—both for those singing it and those with the misfortune of watching it). Titled “The Auteur” (in honor of the “indie” movie of the same name that has earned Anna her lusted-after Oscar), the shoddily slapped together conclusion consists of Anna magically being able to combat the true villain behind everything—surprise!—Siobhan. And it’s not even really magical, so much as a witchy chant that the ghost of Adeline (Annabelle Dexter-Jones) suddenly decides to inform Anna of by reciting it with her (“Salve, o puer, Ave Hestia/Vivant liberi domini nostri,” in case you ever need it for effortlessly vanquishing the literal mother of all demons). Not really sure why no one chanted it before in front of Siobhan if it was so effective for destroying her. 

But before that little “incantation,” Siobhan takes Anna to a full-length mirror again, just as she did in “Rockabye,” and sings the same opening verse from before. Now, of course, the meaning has taken on a darker tone, and when Siobhan goes to fetch their “libations,” a resigned Anna decides to sing the second verse to herself in surrender: “Sooner or later you’re gonna have to decide/Sooner or later there’s nowhere to hide/Baby, it’s time so why waste it with [the correct word to the lyric is actually “in” not “with”] chatter?/Let’s settle the matter/Baby, you’re mine on a platter I always—” It’s at this moment that Adeline (to reiterate, her ghost) conveniently appears to rework the “Sooner or Later” “chant” into a more powerful (for this purpose) “spell.” One that translates to: Hail, o child/Hail Hestia/Long live the children of our Lord.”

For Siobhan’s “coven” (let’s call them the [In]Delicates), that lord is Satan. For Adeline, it’s the “beneficent” goddess of the hearth and home (because this season does whatever it can to be heavy-handed with the mother angles and “metaphors”). A “white light” to fight against the dark, evidently. To that end, despite referencing the white light that is Madonna’s Bob Mackie Oscar dress from 1991, it was turned dark by AHS’ most ill-conceived (pregnancy pun intended) season yet. Which seems odd when taking into account that surely the source material, Delicate Condition by Danielle Valentine, provided a far better blueprint. One that promises to be “the feminist update to Rosemary’s Baby we all needed.” That AHS: Delicate is not. But it does succeed quite well in nearly ruining “Sooner or Later.”