WASHINGTON—Having been alive as far back as 1933, Sen. Dianne Feinstein of California, a trailblazer in being old, died Thursday night at age 90. “Sen. Feinstein, born Dianne Goldman, started off young but through hard work and dedication rose through the ranks to become very, very old,” said the late Democrat’s chief of staff, James Sauls, who in prepared remarks to reporters cited Feinstein’s many career highlights, such as turning 88 years old in 2021, turning 89 years old in 2022, and, just this year, turning 90. “Her remarkable persistence as the oldest sitting U.S. senator made her a role model to nonagenarians everywhere. Across the nation tonight, little girls will find inspiration in her story, knowing that they, too, can one day grow up to be incredibly old.” Sauls added that while Feinstein did not fulfill her longtime goal of clinging to power in the Senate as long as her late mentor in aging, the 100-year-old Strom Thurmond, she nonetheless spent her final years shattering expectations for what an unbelievably infirm and exhausted person can and should do.
Tag: Mayors of San Francisco
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Sen. Feinstein Cedes Power of Attorney To Broom Resembling Daughter
WASHINGTON—Granting the cleaning implement full legal authority over her personal affairs, Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D-CA) reportedly ceded her power of attorney on Friday to a broom resembling her daughter. “At my age, it’s important to have a dependable family member I can rely on, and there’s no one I trust more than my beautiful hardwood daughter,” said Feinstein, who whispered, “You make me so proud every day, Kathy,” as she ran her hand gingerly along the corn broom’s bristles. “She flew out all the way from California today to lean against the corner of my office. Clearly, I’m in good hands with her. I’m also going to make sure she helps me leave all of my life savings to a very handsome bucket I met in the coat closet.” At press time, Feinstein was panicking after her daughter had been kidnapped by a custodian.
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Sen. Feinstein Faces Increased Pressure From Hallucination Of JFK Yelling At Her To Step Down
SAN FRANCISCO—With the powerful Democrat making frequent appearances before her and urging her to resign her seat, Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D-CA) reportedly faced increased pressure Friday from a hallucination of the late former President John F. Kennedy yelling at her to step down. “The party, Dianne! Think of the party!” said an apparition of the 35th president who is visible only to Feinstein and has served as her top aide since he entered her hospital room last month, trailing behind him the endless brain tissue that continually oozes from a wound in his skull. “There is nothing left for you in the Senate, Dianne, or indeed in this earthly realm. Soon you will carry out the ultimate service to your country by joining me on the other side. And together, we will govern the afterlife!” At press time, Feinstein told sources she felt betrayed after discovering the phantasm of Kennedy was merely angling to be appointed to her vacant Senate seat.