Tag: Masculinity

Common Sense Media’s recent study of over 1,000 adolescent boys (ages 11-17) across the United States revealed important information about how their identity is impacted by online exposure. The study found that their identity around masculinity, their emotional well being and their self esteem are significantly influenced by social media platforms and gaming communities. Here are some of the key findings:

• 94% of adolescent boys use social media or play online games daily
• 60% of them find influencers “inspirational.”
• ¾ of them regularly see masculinity-related posts about building muscle, making money, fighting, dating and relationships, or weapons.
• Almost 1/2 of boys believe they must follow “unwritten rules” (like not crying or showing fear) to avoid being picked on

What is happening in teen brains

During adolescence, boys experience a powerful surge of brain development. The prefrontal cortex—the area responsible for decision-making, impulse control, and planning—develops gradually and remains under construction into the mid-twenties, which can make emotional regulation and long-term thinking challenging. Meanwhile, the limbic system, which drives emotion, reward, and motivation, matures earlier and becomes highly sensitive to stimulation, leading boys to seek excitement, novelty, and peer approval. At the same time, the brain undergoes synaptic pruning, trimming away unused neural connections while strengthening those that are active, making habits and experiences during these years especially influential. Heightened dopamine activity amplifies pleasure from risk and reward, while fluctuating hormones intensify emotions and stress reactivity.

Together, these changes make the adolescent boy’s brain uniquely impressionable and primed for learning—but also more vulnerable to stress, impulsivity, and social pressure—underscoring the importance of supportive relationships, consistent boundaries, and emotional guidance.

That’s what makes exposure to this content so concerning—it’s reaching boys at such a sensitive time, when their sense of self and emotional world are forming, and it can influence how they think, act, and relate to others for years to come.

Masculinity and showing emotion

From early childhood, boys often hear messages like “don’t cry,” “man up,” or “toughen up,” which teach that vulnerability and emotion equal weakness. These societal norms of men not crying or showing emotion are further enforced by what social media is telling our boys. But men and boys don’t actually experience fewer emotions or less intense emotions than women. So what do they do with the emotions they experience?

Often times males show anger since that is a “safe” emotion to show publicly. Many adolescent boys intentionally push feelings away in what we call suppression. They decide not to show their feelings because they fear:  

• Being teased 
• Getting picked on
• Rejection by family or friends
• Being seen as weak and not masculine

Over time this can turn into repression of emotions which is an unconscious pushing down of feelings. Emotional repression can have a very negative impact on mental health and well being. What starts to happen is that the range of emotions they experience narrows, limiting emotional intelligence, a critical characteristic of a healthy relationship. This emotional restriction can limit self-understanding and make adulthood more confusing. When men can’t express their emotions, those emotions don’t vanish—they turn inward, often manifesting as stress, anger, or disconnection. The result can be loneliness, health problems, and strained relationships.

What Can Parents Do?

There was some good news that came out of the research study and that is that parents are adolescent boys’ first choice of support. It also showed that boys with real world relationships have better self esteem and experience less loneliness. There are specific strategies you can use to continue to support your boys and their healthy emotional development. Even if you are met with disinterest or even disdain, don’t stop doing it. They are absorbing it all.

Emotion Coaching

Emotion coaching is a Gottman strategy more often applied to younger children but can be adapted and used with teens. The process consists of 5 steps: 

• Awareness of your child’s emotions
• Recognizing your child’s expression of emotion as an opportunity for teaching and connection
• Listening with empathy and validate your child’s feelings
• Helping your child learn to label their emotions with words
• Setting limits 

While this process might look a little different with a teenager, the basic concepts hold true. Being aware of their emotions without judgment is important. Teens may not express feelings in the same way as a younger child. In fact, how teen boys express their emotions may not make any sense to us. The expression may look different than the actual emotion (for reasons previously explained). Helping teens acknowledge and label their feelings is still important. An exchange might look like this. 

Teen son:  ‘My math teacher doesn’t explain anything, and now we’re getting tested on things I don’t understand!’

Parent: ‘You seem really upset/frustrated by this.’ 

Teen son: ‘Whatever’ or’ It’s fine’

Parent: It sounds like a tough situation.

Maybe your teen continues to engage, or maybe they don’t. These small interactions matter. You’re not taking the teacher’s side; you are empathizing with your son and validating his feelings. This matters and whether or not it’s obvious in the moment, you are being supportive and helping him develop some emotional awareness. 

So now when big things happen, maybe someone at their high school commits suicide or there is a school shooting or he gets dumped by a girlfriend, you don’t feel completely at a loss as to how to talk about it because you employ the same strategy as when you talk about more mundane topics.

Modeling Behavior You Want to See

It becomes less and less effective as kids get older to tell them how to act or how to behave. What becomes exponentially more important is modeling the behavior that you want to see in them. This means showing them healthy, equitable intimate relationships. Some important components are:

• Showing empathy
• Sharing emotions
• Apologizing to loved ones

Social media sends our boys the “masculinity message”, outdated ideas about gender roles — that women belong in domestic roles, and that men’s value lies in being tall, strong, or dominant. Much of this content isn’t sought out; it’s delivered to them through algorithms that feed reinforcing messages about identity and worth. As parents we should be concerned that our sons’ developing senses of self-esteem, identity, and mental health are being shaped by these harmful narratives.

Accepting influence

Dr. John Gottman discovered that one of the key predictors of a successful relationship is a partner’s ability to accept influence from the other. In his research, he found that marriages were significantly more likely to succeed when husbands accepted influence from their wives — that is, when they respected their partner’s opinions, feelings, and perspectives rather than resisting or dismissing them.

This concept becomes even more important in the context of dads raising adolescent boys. Not only will accepting influence help men have better relationships, but it will teach their sons an important skill. It will counteract the idea that ‘being a man’ is about always exerting power and control in relationships. When they can take in other people’s perspectives and opinions, it can offer them a broader view of the world. This can be incredibly helpful when it comes to their mental health and ultimately their ability to succeed in a loving relationship.

Rituals of Connection

Schedule built in times to talk so that there is a regular time to check in. This can serve multiple purposes. 

1. You always have a time to connect regardless of what’s going on
2. It becomes part of your routine and models good communication
3. It helps reduce stress for your teen
4. It strengthens your relationship with your child
5. When something comes up, you might be able to avoid the  foreboding “we need to talk”

Some ideas are:

• Meal times
• In the car (they’re trapped!)
• As they are winding down for bed (sometimes it helps to talk in a dark room)

Talk about real life situations

There is so much going on in the world that can serve as conversation points for you and your son. Use these situations to talk to your son and help understand them better. Choose something they are already either talking about or seeing on social feeds. The idea is to be curious about how they view it and what their opinions are. Here are some starter questions:

• What do you think about it
• What are your friends saying
• Are they talking about it in school
• What kind of content are you seeing about it

Remember: the goal is NOT to convince them or change their ideas. In fact you may want to refrain from sharing your thoughts unless you are asked. Keep in mind the teenage brain is naturally self-focused. If a teen feels that you’re trying to persuade or control their thinking, they’ll likely shut down or disengage from the conversation.

Learn about their gaming

For most parents gaming was not a part of their childhoods in the same way it is for many kids now. The Common Sense Media study found that ⅔ of adolescent boys are gaming on a daily basis. While there are positives related to it (feeling accepted and socially connected through these gaming interactions), there are still dangers and risks.

Much of the potential harm is related to online multiplayer gaming especially when you are interacting with people you don’t know and may not be who they say they are. It is reasonable to not allow this aspect of gaming for your adolescent son until they are young adults and in a less vulnerable position. Additionally not all games are created equally; games with pervasive violence are going to have more potential harm. 

Parents play a vital role in addressing these issues and making informed choices. Talk openly with your teen and include them in the process—it helps them feel seen, respected, and responsible.

Turn Issues Into Opportunities

There are countless opportunities to connect with our teens, even if it doesn’t always feel that way. It’s easy to hesitate when interactions don’t bring immediate positive feedback, but our presence and guidance remain essential. We play a critical role in supporting our sons’ mental health and helping them build healthy relationships. Let’s make sure our boys learn what it truly means to be a man from their loved ones—rather than letting those lessons be shaped by AI, algorithms, or social media.