Life is busy. Our romantic relationships usually start with a lot of passion and exciting intimacy but often times fades over time as the rigors of life kick in. Roommate syndrome is the term used to describe this dynamic in couples where their relationship has become an arrangement lacking romantic love and affection.
Roommate problems
Genesis Games, LMHC, a therapist with a practice in Florida, describes the types of issues you might encounter living with a roommate as:
Household chores
Paying bills
The use of common areas
These problems don’t provide an opportunity for growth because they are logistical in nature and become a distraction from relational issues. However, it is very important to address them as they have a huge impact on the relationship.
Games describes some of the negative effects that result from roommate problems:
Tension and disconnection
Distraction from more important issues
Sense of not being adequate or “good enough”
Parent-child dynamic develops over time
Decrease in fondness and admiration
Lack of support and resentment due to mental load and/or lack of appreciation
Resolving problems
The good news is that roommate problems tend to be solvable with the right kind of dialogue and communication. If you find yourself getting upset, it is important to practice self soothing like deep breathing and taking a mindfulness break.
While having a conversation about a roommate problem, use the following practices to increase the chances of a positive outcome:
Team approach
Accountability and curiosity
Accepting influence
Focus on the issue and not your partner’s character
Provide potential solutions and compromise
Preventing roommate syndrome is imperative to then be able to move on to the deeper relational issues that can create more love and connection.
Relational problems
Genesis Games describes relational problems as ones that have to do with our core values and identity. Conversations around relational problems can come up on a regular basis because they don’t have a simple solution. These problems require repeated conversations and attempts at compromise because they are connected to deeper, more meaningful parts of your identity.
Here are some examples:
Togetherness vs independence
Relational pace
Boundaries with extended family
Sexual desire and preferences
Parenting styles
Finances and spending habits
Religious or cultural differences
Navigating a mental or physical health diagnosis
These problems can result in emotional distance between partners and feelings of rejection and resentment. They can have a significant negative impact that leads to an erosion of the relationship.
Luckily there are some antidotes to these problems! First there must be emotional safety in the relationship as well as a strong foundation of knowing each other’s worlds (Gottman term is ‘love maps’). The Gottman method Dreams within Conflict exercise is a great intervention for couples to use on their own or with the support of a therapist.
Preventing roommate syndrome is important for couples to address as they balance everyday life with other responsibilities. When they can successfully address these types of issues, they will be able to focus on increasing their emotional intimacy and connection.
1949 – Enters the Queen of the Sea beauty contest and comes in second, winning a train ticket to Rome, where she begins modeling and acting in B-movies.
Early 1950s – Is the runner-up in a nightclub beauty contest for Miss Rome. Movie producer Carlo Ponti is one of the judges.
1951 – Makes her US film debut as an uncredited extra, with no lines, in the film “Quo Vadis?”
Early 1950s – Adopts the last name Loren.
October 23, 1953 –“Aida” opens; it’s her first major leading role.
1957 – Loren appears in her first English-speaking leading role, “The Pride and the Passion.” She learns her lines by using cue cards of English words written phonetically.
1962 – Wins the Best Actress Academy Award for “La ciociara (Two Women).”
September 3, 1962 – Her marriage of almost five years to Carlo Ponti is annulled. Neither the Vatican nor Italian law recognizes Ponti’s 1957 divorce by proxy from Giuliana Ponti. Loren and Ponti are forced to annul their marriage after warrants for their arrest are issued.
1964 – Stars in the movie, “Matrimonio all’italiana (Marriage Italian Style).” Nominated for an Academy Award.
1964-1965 – Moves to France with Carlo Ponti and becomes a French citizen.
1965 –Giuliana Ponti obtains a French divorce recognized by Italian law.
April 9, 1966 – Loren and Carlo Ponti marry for the second time.
July 24, 1968 – Loren and Ponti cleared of bigamy charges by Rome’s criminal court.
January 23, 1979 – Loren is tried (in absentia), and acquitted, of complicity with Ponti in income tax evasion, misuse of government subsidies, and illegal export of Italian funds and artwork. Carlo Ponti is convicted and sentenced to four years in prison (two years were pardoned) and fined 22 billion lire ($24 million). All charges against him were cleared in 1987.
1980 – Portrays both herself and her mother in the made-for-TV movie “Sophia Loren: Her Own Story,” based on her 1979 autobiography, “Sophia: Living and Loving, Her Own Story,” written with A. E. Hotchner.
May 20, 1982 – Loren begins her 30-day jail term for tax evasion, for unpaid supplementary taxes for 1963-1964.
June 5, 1982 – Serves 17 days of her 30-day jail term.
1991 – Receives Honorary Academy Award for Lifetime Achievement.
2003 – Winner, Grammy Award for Best Spoken Word Album for Children (along with Bill Clinton and Mikhail Gorbachev) for reading Prokofiev’s “Peter and The Wolf.”
2009 – Appears in the movie “Nine,” her first role in five years.
Have you ever been in a relationship with someone who was emotionally unavailable? What about someone who was emotionally exhausting?
People give up on finding “the one” after experiencing a relationship or two with someone who has either style. Self-doubt sets in and you think, “something must be wrong with me.”
To understand this phenomenon you must first understand attachment theory, one of the most well researched theories in the field of relational psychology. Attachment theory describes how our early relationships with a primary caregiver, most commonly a parent, creates our expectation for how love should be.
Our view of ourself and others is molded by how well these caregivers were available and responsive to meet our physical and emotional needs. In our adult relationships, our attachment system is triggered by our romantic partners.
The attachment alarm
How are we triggered? Think about the availability of your primary caregiver.
Were they neglectful, always there for you, or inconsistent?
Who did you go to when you had a problem?
Was there someone there you could really count on?
Your attachment style influences the success of your relationship, so it is important to identify your own attachment style. Learn the four main patterns of attachment in adults and how they commonly affect couples in their relationships.
According to attachment theory, you have a secure attachment style if a caregiver was responsive and available to you as a child, making you feel safe and secure. Creating a secure attachment is important for dating to create a healthy relationship. In a secure relationship your partner is there for you and has your back. If you are an insecure style (and you choose someone with an insecure style), you will continually be triggered and never feel safe or secure in your relationship.
Insecure attachment patterns
If your caregiver was unresponsive, you form an insecure attachment pattern. An insecure attachment style manifests in three main ways.
Anxious Attachment: Develops when a caregiver has been inconsistent in their responsiveness and availability, confusing the child about what to expect. As an adult, this person acts clingy at times and finds it difficult to trust their partner.
Avoidant Attachment: Develops when a caregiver is neglectful. These are the children that play by themselves and develop the belief that no one is there to meet their needs. As adults, they typically label themselves as very independent. Disorganized Attachment: Develops from abuse, trauma, or chaos in the home. A child learns to fear the caregiver and has no real “secure base.”
All of these styles influence the way you behave in your romantic relationships and how you find a romantic partner.
So, this begs the question, can one change their attachment style to a more secure way of relating?
Changing your attachment style
The answer is yes, but it takes hard work. Often therapy can be incredibly helpful. Being aware of your attachment style and the choices you are making in a partner is crucial. A quality therapist will guide your development of the awareness necessary to discern whether you are reacting to past wounds.
We tend to recreate unhealthy relationship patterns from our childhood in our adulthood. As much as people may dislike it, the familiarity is comforting. You may even confuse the feelings of relationship chemistry with what is the familiarity of your early life experience.
You can challenge your insecurities by choosing a partner with a secure attachment style, and work on developing yourself in that relationship. By facing your fears about love, you can build new styles of attachment for sustaining a satisfying, loving relationship.
Recommended resources
The following books will help you to understand attachment theory and how it impacts your relationship.
Levine explains how the three attachment styles create the types of relationships we end up in as adults and how to break those patterns to have healthier relationships.
Tatkin shares the complexity of attachment styles and how to love an emotionally unavailable partner so they can be more available, and how to love an insecure partner so they feel safe.
Johnson offers seven vital conversations that help partners work with their unique insecure attachment styles to create a more secure and meaningful relationship.
The Marriage Minute is a new email newsletter from The Gottman Institute that will improve your marriage in 60 seconds or less. Over 40 years of research with thousands of couples has proven a simple fact: small things often can create big changes over time. Got a minute? Sign up below.
For millennials and Gen Z, the American Dream milestone of buying a home can feel hopelessly out of reach as mortgage rates hover around 8% and home prices continue to rise.
As a result, one in 5 engaged couples are rejecting the linens and dishes of traditional wedding registries and asking friends and family for down payment cash instead, according to an October report by Zillow and The Knot, a wedding planning site.
With an average of $70,000 needed for a 20% down payment on a starter home, it’s understandable that couples would search for creative ways to get cash.
“I think we can be optimistic that instead of throwing in the towel, young couples are willing to give up tangible gifts or even honeymoon funds in order to get closer to achieving the American Dream of homeownership,” Amanda Pendleton, a personal finance expert at Zillow Home Loans, tells Fortune. “They see the value of saving for an appreciating asset, as opposed to the immediate gratification of new bedding or silverware.”
But there’s a slight problem: It seems wedding guests are put off by this request, as data shows friends and family are less enthusiastic about the new breed of honeymoon registry.
The typical couple receives 32% more for a honeymoon fund, with an average of $767, compared with a new home fund average of $556, Esther Lee, deputy editor of The Knot, tells Fortune.
With mortgage rates hitting 23-year highs this fall and home prices on the rise, why would wedding guests be more willing to give to a honeymoon, than something more practical like a first-home fund? It’s time for a small lesson in what experts call behavioral economics.
The power of choice
Morgan Ward, a marketing professor at top-ranked Emory University’s Goizueta Business School says it could be because people like to give more “hedonic” products as gifts—or things that the recipient wouldn’t otherwise purchase for themselves. Ward earned her Ph.D. in marketing from the University of Texas at Austin’s McCombs School of Business and her primary research focus is consumer behavior. A gift-giver knows that whether or not they give to a first-home fund, the recipient will purchase it themselves, she says.
“A honeymoon fund is probably something that’s perceived by givers as elective—and certainly hedonic—and thus by giving a higher dollar gift, the giver can offer something the recipient wouldn’t otherwise have access to,” she tells Fortune. “On the other hand, I would guess that givers think of a new home as more utilitarian and thus, less fun to give and probably something that the recipients will purchase themselves irrespective of whether they receive money for it as a gift.”
Ward also conducted research in 2016 that shows how wedding gift-giving differs from other types of gift-giving. For one, she found that when givers were faced with purchasing from a gift registry versus making their own choices of a gift, they often rejected the gift registry.
“It turns out that givers say they want to please the recipient as their highest priority, but often they’re using gift-giving opportunities as a way to signal their sentiments or the meaning of the relationship,” Ward adds.
Guests may also be more generous toward a honeymoon fund because they can give to specific experiences—whether it’s sunset cocktails, a tasting menu at dinner, a glass-bottomed kayak, snorkeling, or a ski lift pass in the Alps, Lee says—instead of donating to one giant fund where they may not understand the impact of their gift.
“This allows couples to piecemeal their honeymoon fund even further, thus helping guests participate in each chosen experience,” Lee says. “The overall home fund is seemingly a more sizable amount that may seem daunting up front to guests. But with each contribution, a new home fund can become more approachable, with more guests potentially feeling more open to contributing.”
Soaring home prices fuel trend
While the trend of adding first-home funds to wedding registries isn’t completely new, “they’ve really picked up steam” in the past few years, Cathryn Haight, editor of gifting and stationery at The Knot, previously told Fortune. Since 2018, the share of couples including “home funds” as part of their wedding registry has increased 55%, according to Zillow and The Knot.
While any money is helpful when it comes to purchasing a home, hundreds of dollars could really just be a drop in the bucket for newlywed couples.
The value of the typical home in the U.S. right now is about $350,000, Pendleton says, which means a couple would need to come up with $70,000 if they plan on putting down 20% on the home purchase. By comparison, the average cost of a wedding in the U.S. is $30,000 which includes the ceremony and reception, according to The Knot 2022 Real Weddings Study.
“This is a lot of cash and can be very intimidating for young couples looking to buy their first home,” Pendleton says. “Oftentimes, putting less than 20% down is totally doable, and your loan officer can talk you through your options. Keep in mind though, that the less money you put down, the higher your monthly mortgage payment will be.”
Fortune was early to report on this trend earlier this summer, sharing the love story of Oliver and Cassie Nilsson who first met in 2012 at an Outback Steakhouse. When it came time for them to wed and buy a house, they hadn’t realized exactly how bad the market had gotten and how much cash they’d need.
“Our expectation was as soon as I graduated college we would buy a house,” Oliver told Fortune. “We wanted to get a townhouse because we want a little yard for dogs. But we quickly realized that was not on the table for us, especially with the interest rate being so high.”
The couple ended up living with Oliver’s parents for eight months to save up enough money to afford to buy a condo. To help with the down payment on their home, the couple added a “first-home fund”—their one and only request on their wedding registry.
“Honest to God, it was this [the first-home fund] and his parents letting us stay there,” Cassie told Fortune. “We would have never been able [to buy]. We would have rented our whole life.”
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Gaslighting gained popularity among professionals in the 1980s when gaslighting was written about in academic journal articles focusing on women’s socialization.
Experts believed that society trained women to feel like they needed to be in a relationship and have a romantic connection, which put them at risk of exploiting their attachment, which is essentially what gaslighting boils down to.
This often happens in relationships or marriages in an attempt to break one’s partner down to the point that they’re so low on self-confidence, they don’t think they could ever live without their gaslighting partner.
In this article, we are going to look at what gaslighting is and then explore 7 signs that may indicate you’re a victim of gaslighting yourself.
Let’s get started by defining the term in more detail.
What is Gaslighting?
Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse used to gain control over someone else by confusing and disorienting them. This sophisticated manipulation technique often leads a victim to question their own sanity, and in doing so, failing to second-guess their partner’s motives.
By undermining someone’s sense of reality by denying their thoughts, feelings, or environment, victims often turn away from their emotions, cognitions, and ultimately who they are as people.
Gaslighting can occur in a variety of relationships, including those with coworkers or managers, parents, and friends. However, the most devastating forms of gaslighting may be when it’s happening in a relationship or marriage.
When this happens in a relationship, it often grows off of an existing imbalance of power, where one person is so reliant on the other that they don’t want to accidentally make the other person mad or risk losing them, so they give the gaslighter all of the power.
Gaslighting starts off very subtle, making it difficult to detect. However, people who gaslight eventually become experts at recognizing your vulnerabilities and then using them against you. They become masters at pushing your buttons and making you doubt your sanity.
Here are some clear warning signs that you can look out for.
7 Signs of Gaslighting in Your Relationship or Marriage
1. Your Partner Lies to You
It can start with white lies, although they’re still blatant. Let’s say a wife makes what she believes to be her husband’s favorite dinner as a surprise one night. However, when he gets home from work, he insists that he doesn’t like that dish and tells her that they have already had this conversation several times.
While in this (and other) cases, the victim knows it’s a lie, the gaslighter seems extremely serious and convinced. The wife has witnessed her husband eating and enjoying this dish many times, but he’s trying to make her second-guess herself.
Gaslighters are pathological liars who will not only blatantly lie to you, they also won’t back down from their story, even if you can prove they’re wrong. Lying is the foundation of their harmful behavior. But because they’re so convincing, you start to believe it.
However, if a victim tries to confront a gaslighter on their lie, the gaslighter may become extremely aggressive or hostile because they know they have little evidence upon which they can defend themselves.
Instead of trying to justify their own words, they try to regain control by attacking back even more by discrediting and dehumanizing their victim. The gaslighter often uses this as an intimidation tactic to make their victims back down so they can get away with their own character flaws.
2. They Claim You’re Crazy
If you’re often wondering if you are too emotional or if you do overreact to things because your partner is always claiming that’s the case, it may be a sign of gaslighting.
The result of being accused of these things over and over is that you lose faith in your judgment and always end up turning to your partner instead.
Trying to make a victim believe they’re crazy is an effective tool for gaslighters because it is dismissive. They know if they make you and those around you question your sanity, others won’t believe you if you try to tell them the gaslighter is abusive in any way. This is a standard technique.
When your partner’s words make you feel like you are inadequate, or mentally off-kilter, you may find yourself repeating some of their statements back to yourself, causing you to wonder if your gaslighter could potentially be right in their claims.
Constantly questioning your own reality is an effective method of making you feel like there’s something wrong with you. Ultimately, you’ll give into your gaslighter’s goal by believing you need him or her in order to get through life.
3. They Wear You Down Over Time
One of the tricky things about gaslighting is that it starts small and builds slowly. Even the smartest people can be hooked by small lies without realizing it’s getting out of control. Because it’s conducted so slowly, the victim’s sense of reality eventually changes with time.
This is the formula for gaslighting and what makes it so harmful. With its slow progression, the victim of gaslighting doesn’t notice the manipulation. Small, isolated incidents that could be seen as manipulative are usually dismissed or passed off.
Then, if they’re done over a long period of time, they’re likely viewed as random occurrences. Alternatively, if the manipulative comments took place in a short time frame, the victim may recognize what’s going on by connecting the events together.
For example, if a victim is telling a story, the gaslighter might challenge a minor detail. In this case, the victim will likely move on and not think anything of it. However, the gaslighter will use this success in the future to discredit the victim again, and maybe even question their memory.
While a victim may argue back at first or start to think something is wrong in their relationship, every incident is so small that they’re unable to identify any specific reason as to why they feel uneasy. Over time, the victim will start to challenge their own memories and emotions.
People who are being gaslighted are also worn down because the gaslighter is always on the offense, which will wear the victim down until they feel so low that they doubt themselves.
Victims become discouraged and scared as they’re questioning their perception of reality, so they end up walking on eggshells in their relationship to keep the peace.
4. They Project Their Actions onto You
Let’s say a gaslighter is cheating and they want to keep it up. To set their victim off track, they start accusing their partner of cheating. The goal here is to keep the victim busy and distracted defending themselves so they’re not paying attention to their partner’s behavior.
By accusing the victim, the gaslighter continues to buy themselves time, and may even go so far as telling their victim that they saw them out with someone else when both of them really know that they were both home.
In these cases, the gaslighter has the victim in a bind because they are unable to prove that nothing happened. The victim ends up being more concerned about being accused of something they didn’t do than paying attention to what their partner is doing.
When the blame is consistently twisted and the gaslighter manipulates situations in a way that makes you think you have caused their bad behavior, you may start to believe that if only you behaved differently, your partner wouldn’t treat you the way they do.
Another example of this may be if a gaslighter pushes the victim’s buttons until they respond with yelling, so the gaslighter can then cast themself as the victim.
For example, a gaslighter might accuse someone of doing something until the victim raises their voice in frustration and in order to be heard. The gaslighter might then cut off the conversation by claiming their victim is acting too aggressively or is out of control.
5. They Minimize Your Feelings
Gaslighters gain power over their victims by trivializing their thoughts and feelings. They may do this by telling you that you’re overreacting or saying you can’t take a joke.
They may even stop talking to you or block you out after you voice some type of concern to divert your thoughts from whatever is upsetting you to regretting that you brought it up in the first place.
Another common thing for gaslighters to say to minimize your feelings is, “Are we seriously still talking about this?” or “I can’t deal with you right now,” in order to suggest your feelings are trivial.
When you’re with someone who doesn’t acknowledge your thoughts, feelings, or beliefs, you will start to question your own thoughts yourself. What’s more, you will never feel like your partner understands you– or even cares– which is extremely hard to cope with.
6. They Manipulate Your Feelings Toward People or Things
By strategically isolating the victim from others, and coercing their victim to limit their interaction with friends, family, and co-workers, the gaslighter gains full control over their victim and establishes an even more authoritarian relationship.
An example might involve your best friend or a sibling. If your partner sees these relationships as a threat, they might try to disrupt them by using gaslighting tactics.
They may create lies to poison how you feel about someone else by making up false rumors or trying to convince you that everyone else is lying to you. By doing so, they’re breaking down your identity and personal being.
A gaslighter might also try to hit you where it hurts by using the people you’re close to against you. They may claim your family is crazy or suggest that they’re somehow working together to sabotage your relationship, or say something like, “Is your brother being ridiculous again?”
Or, they could go a step further by going directly to your mom to stir the pot and suggest that something might be “off” with you with the goal of having your mom be the one to mention to you that she’s worried about your mental state. And of course, you will trust your mom.
7. They Give False Promises
As part of their lying tactics, gaslighters may give false hope to their victims by promising that things will get better. But these promises are usually just another way to keep victims around so they will let their guards down while dealing with more abuse.
However, even though the gaslighter says that they are going to be better about their ways, they ultimately go back to their normal behavior time and again, then try to convince their victim that the plans were never really there in the first place.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about, I never promised that.”
Final Thoughts on Signs of Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a subtle form of abuse that flourishes on the victim’s uncertainty. It can cause someone to stop trusting their own memory or perception of reality.
If any of the scenarios above sound familiar, you may be in a gaslighting relationship, and the more cognizant you are of a gaslighter’s techniques, the better off you will be when it comes to protecting yourself.
Getting out of a gaslighting relationship can be extremely difficult because of the gaslighter’s tactics and the power dynamic of the relationship. However, it is possible–the remedy to gaslighting is increased self-awareness and self-regulation.
Once a victim realizes that they don’t need validation and they can rely on themselves, it becomes much easier to walk away from one of these toxic relationships.
Now, if you’re looking for more resources to help you in dealing with your partner, be sure to read these articles:
Connie Mathers is a professional editor and freelance writer. She holds a Bachelor’s Degree in Marketing and a Master’s Degree in Social Work. When she is not writing, Connie is either spending time with her daughter and two dogs, running, or working at her full-time job as a social worker in Richmond, VA.
Prioritizing a fulfilling sex life is not simply about caring for different relationship aspects; Satisfying sex establishes a synchronicity between two individuals. It guards the shared trust and understanding, ensuring the longevity and resilience of the romantic bond.
Results of a study published in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin indicate that the shared moments of passion, even ones limited to cuddling, kissing, and caressing, create deep feelings of love and affection.
“A healthy and fulfilling sex life helps create a deep emotional connection, nurtures intimacy, and builds a unique bond that is both private and profound,” explains psychology expert and life coach Bayu Prihandito, adding, “Couples who maintain a satisfying sexual relationship exhibit better communication, reduced stress, and a heightened sense of overall well-being.”
Research also shows that healthy sexual relationshipd create a safe emotional boundary for sharing desires, preferences, and concerns, leading to open and honest communication—another pillar critical for healthy relationships.
“Pleasure and orgasms release oxytocin, the ‘love’ hormone, which not only bonds us to our partner but also reduces stress,” notes sex and relationship therapist, Leigh Norén. This biochemical process creates a positive feedback loop, enhancing trust in the relationship.
A satisfying sex life can also create a fertile ground for healthy conflict resolution, cementing and safeguarding the shared understanding and trust between the two people.
And, as confirmed by several studies, a satisfying sex life also enhances the health and wellbeing of both people. “Regular sexual activity can positively affect physical health, from improved heart health to reduced pain sensitivity,” psychiatrist and professor Ryan Sultan M.D. tells mindbodygreen.
We’re just.a day away from a new episode of our favorite guilty pleasure reality show Love After Lockup!
Source: Courtesy / WeTV
We’ve got an exclusive clip from Friday’s new episode where Sharae’s brother, Debow, voices his concern that he’s feels like an outsider to her and Anthony’s relationship.
Check out the clip below:
Vhttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o6-vA9Fbc7Q
First of all — Sharae’s brother is named DEEBOW?! We kinda wanna know what he did to earn that nickname but we’re also slightly afraid to find out. Big props to Anthony for looking completely unfazed by the full court press bruh put on him. Side note though, what the heck was Sharae doing making a FAKE marriage license? Was all that even necessary? We don’t think so.
Here’s what else to expect from Friday’s all-new episode of Love After Lockup:
Joy finally meets Redd after 7 years but he’s holding a secret; Brittany demands her money. Melissa confronts a costly decision; Anthony wants a ring to rectify a lie. Shocking news derails Chelsea and Mikey. Raneka discovers the truth about Asonta.
It sounds like a whole lot of things will be revealed in Friday’s episode! We can’t wait to see this one.
The new episode of Love After Lockup airs Friday, October 27 at 9pm EST on WeTV.
Both weddings and home purchases can both cause people to think or spend irrationally—especially amid the rush to “get in the real estate market” while mortgage rates are higher than they have been in 15 years. How can a couple decide which is the better use of their hard-earned savings?
How much does it cost to get married these days?
Let’s start with weddings. The costs associated with their big day can range drastically from couple to couple, depending on their wedding plans and the size of their family. The dollars differ widely among industry estimates, as well. According to The Knot Worldwide’s 2023 Global Wedding Report, the average Canadian wedding costs USD$19,000—about $25,000 Canadian at the current exchange rate.Meanwhile, the consumer data company Statista pegged the average Canadian wedding at a much higher $42,401, back in 2017. (Read more about the average cost of a wedding in Canada.)
Given the national average home price in May 2023 of $729,044, a 5% minimum down payment for a house would be $36,452—or about the average cost of a wedding.
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Marriage or mortgage
This begs the question: are young people making their marriages more difficult by making their wedding budgets too high? Are they trading in a home down payment for a half-day party with their friends and family?
The rational choice for a couple in the long term is probably to forgo an expensive wedding. But many brides, grooms, and their families celebrate traditional wedding ceremonies and receptions and feel the desire or the pressure to do so.
COVID-19 precautions have prevented many couples from throwing big weddings. This is bad on just about every level, but a modest wedding could be good financially for a couple.
If a 30-year-old couple invests $35,000 at a 5% annual rate of return, it could turn into over $193,000 by retirement at age 65. Granted, $193,000 would not buy them nearly as much in the future due to a rising cost of living over time, but it is the same as about $97,000 in today’s dollars, assuming 2% annual inflation. That is the equivalent of about $140,000 of salary net of tax (varies by province). Could forgoing a wedding allow you to retire a year or two earlier as a result? Absolutely. It is romantic to elope at city hall? Absolutely not.
“Phubbing,” or “phone-snubbing,” is a term used to describe using your phone during a face-to-face interaction, resulting in less attention on the person you’re talking to, and more attention on your phone. Sound familiar?
It’s become all too common, and in this study, a Turkish researcher wanted to know how this behavior impacts our relationship satisfaction. To do so, he conducted an online survey with just over 300 people, where participants reported on their life satisfaction, relationship satisfaction, relationship quality, and exposure to phubbing in the relationship.
And based on the findings, phubbing has a real impact. Namely, results indicated that the people who were exposed to more partner phubbing also reported lower relationship quality and relationship satisfaction. More partner phubbing did not show a significant association with life satisfaction, but the results are more nuanced than that.
Namely, on the flipside, higher levels of relationship satisfaction were linked to higher levels of life satisfaction, with higher relationship satisfaction also being linked with lower levels of partner phubbing. So, study author Faruk Caner Yam Ph.D. notes, there is an indirect link between life satisfaction and partner phubbing that is achieved through relationship satisfaction.
When I was newly engaged in 1986, my grandfather sent a Christmas gift of cash. I knew just what to do with it. There was a strapless, red sequined dress with a chiffon ruffled skirt in the window of a Santa Monica boutique that I’d been eyeing for weeks.
After working my way up from receptionist after film school, I became the west coast production manager for a commercial and music video company on the legendary Sunset Boulevard. For a girl from Ohio, I was living the dream. This dress was my destiny. It was sexy and sparkly and sophisticated–everything I always wanted to be.
Unfortunately, my salary barely covered my rent-controlled apartment by the beach and the big-shouldered suits that camouflaged my figure at work. No way could I afford such Madonna-inspired splendor. But thanks to my grandfather, I could swing it for Christmas.
Leslie Lehr pictured on a lifeguard stand (L) and with her ex-husband (R). Leslie Lehr
My grandfather, A. L. Levine, was a big art collector. The Picasso and Botero in his Palm Beach cottage were destined for the Metropolitan Museum of Art, for the Atrium that now bears his name. And this dress was art!
I decided to splurge on it and surprise my fiancé before a big New Year’s Eve party. I curled my long hair and layered on lipstick. I was so excited that my hands shook as I zipped up my dress. I felt like a balloon filled to bursting. “Ready?” I called.
When I tiptoed into the living room and twirled around, my fiancé shook his head. “I hate sequins,” he said. I blinked in confusion. I loved sequins. I planned to wear them to get an Oscar one day. How could he not understand this was the real me?
I kept the dress on, but the bubble had burst. We’d met at work in Hollywood, so he saw plenty of sequins. He thought they were tacky. But I didn’t feel tacky; I just didn’t feel as beautiful as before.
At the party, when my fiancé went off to chat with some friends, other men approached. They disagreed with my fiancé; my dress was a hit. I tried to enjoy their compliments, but they didn’t count. I had pledged my heart.
If only I’d paid more attention. When I left to work freelance and started getting screen credits, my husband was proud. He still had more money, though, and that mattered more. When my first novel won an award, he took a job out of the country and couldn’t join me to collect it. He liked me best in my bathroom. He took photos of me baking Christmas cookies with our daughters. Or, rather, decorating them; I used Slice N Bake dough. For another book, I was interviewed on the CNN morning news. He didn’t wake the girls to watch. And somehow, he forgot to record it. I buried the dress deeper and deeper in the closet.
A decade later, my sister asked me to wear the dress to take pictures for her photography class at USC. My husband was happy to help. I dug out the dress and my sister got an A. We sent a copy to my grandfather, who loved it. By now, it was a period piece from the 1980’s. But I never wore that dress again in public. I hung the picture in the hallway and admired it through the glass.
Later, I turned a bedroom into my office. I stored my red dress in the closet with extra supplies. One night, when my husband was home between freelance film jobs, I was on a roll. I kept writing past six, which was when he usually expected dinner.
Then I heard him shouting for me from the kitchen. I turned off the computer and ran in, ready to take over. He turned around from the sink and punched me. “It was an accident,” he said. He didn’t see me standing there. He was an ex-Marine. Had he meant to hit me, I’d be “out cold.”
That was true, I thought, as I lay on the floor where I fell. That’s where the girls found me.
I hid in my office for a few days until the bruising went down, where I came across my dress again in the storage closet. My swollen lip matched the dress for a week. My husband never hit me again, but the party was over.
Five years after that incident, we finally divorced. I should have seen it coming–seen the bright color like a stop sign, a cautionary tale. It’s still my favorite dress–the shiny sequins and the fluffy skirt–and I can still zip it up. There are no tags now to tell who made it, but if there were, I would thank the designer.
But its exuberant appearance is not the only reason why I love the dress. Instead, I keep the dress close as inspiration; every once in a while, I try it on and twirl. The very sight of it makes me smile.
When I look at it now, this dress is more than a red stop sign. This dress reminds me of that girl who wanted so much out of life–and now she’s got it. It reminds me of who I wanted to be, and who I am.
Leslie Lehr is the prize-winning author of the pop culture memoir, A Boob’s Life: How America’s Obsession Shaped Me — and You, exploring the challenge of women today in navigating a new path between sexy and sacred. She is the Novel Consultant for Truby’s Writers Studio, a judge for the WFWA debut novel contest, and a member of PEN, the Authors Guild, WGA, Women In Film, the ACLU, and The Women’s Leadership Council of LA.
All views expressed in this article are the author’s own.
Do you have a unique experience or personal story to share? Email the My Turn team at myturn@newsweek.com.
India’s top court has refused to legalize same-sex marriages, with the chief justice of the country saying that it was up to Parliament to create such a law
ByThe Associated Press
October 17, 2023, 3:45 AM
LGBTQ community supporters and members wait for the Supreme Court verdict on petitions that seek the legalization of same-sex marriage, in New Delhi, India, Tuesday, Oct. 17, 2023. According to a Pew survey, acceptance of homosexuality in India increased by 22 percentage points to 37% between 2013 and 2019. (AP Photo/Manish Swarup)
The Associated Press
NEW DELHI — India’s top court refused to legalize same-sex marriages, with the chief justice of the country saying Tuesday that it was up to Parliament to create such a law.
Chief Justice DY Chandrachud also urged the government to uphold the rights of the queer community and end discrimination against them.
The five-judge bench earlier this year heard 20 petitions that sought to legalize same-sex marriage in the world’s most populous country.
Chandrachud said there were degrees of agreement and disagreement among the justices “on how far we have to go” on same-sex marriages.
“This court can’t make law. It can only interpret it and give effect to it,” the chief justice said, reiterating that it was up to Parliament to decide whether it could expand marriage laws to include queer unions.
Legal rights for LGBTQ+ people in India have been expanding over the past decade, and most of these changes have come through the Supreme Court’s intervention.
Tuesday’s judgment comes after the top court in 2018 struck down a colonial-era law that had made gay sex punishable by up to 10 years in prison and expanded constitutional rights for the gay community.
The decision was seen as a historic victory for LGBTQ rights, with one judge saying it would “pave the way for a better future.”
Verbal criticism sounds like globalized language such as, “You alway” or “You never.” Verbal language is alsopointing out your partner’s flaws in a frustrated, passive-aggressive, or joking way. Using “should” statements to correct your partner’s behavior can inspire feelings of shame and blame, which feel critical.
Nonverbal criticism comes in the form of eye rolls, heavy sighs, or frustrated body language which conveys a rejection or tone of dissatisfaction. However, what I tell the couples I work with is that, actually, criticism is best described as anything that feels critical to your partner. If you use your metrics for what is critical, you’re missing the opportunity to attune to your partner’s emotional world and become more sensitive to what they find critical.
Criticism often occurs when a complaint is expressed as a character flaw. For example, you might say, “You never put your shoes away when you come home. You’re such a moron,” instead of saying, “Babe, it’s so important to me to keep our entryway clear. Would you mind making an effort to put your shoes in the closet when you come home?”
People often use criticism as a defense against vulnerability, as it is more vulnerable to express one’s needs directly. I’ve heard partner’s say, “It’s the only way I can get through to him!” and while that is hardly ever the case, who cares if the shoes get put away if the consequence is that you’ve made your partner feel poorly?
When a person experiences ongoing criticism, just like any of Gottman’s four horsemen, these behaviors slowly decrease self-esteem and self-confidence in both of you, and you will both retreat to your opposite sides in order to gain the safety of distance. And, just like all of these relationship destroying behaviors this only escalates conflict. Every single time.
When we fear being criticized, we don’t feel safe— so we’re reluctant to show our whole selves to our partner. If you repeatedly tell your partner they’re worthless, useless, and ineffective…why would they try to be anything else when you already have a fixed idea of how you see them?
Suzanne Somers and husband Alan Hamel took the “til death do us part” portion of their vows very seriously, demonstrating their love for one another until Somers died a day shy of her 77th birthday on October 15.
“I can’t imagine a night without him,” Somers told People in 2017. “It sounds corny, but we are one.”
The Three’s Company actress had battled cancer for more than 23 years.
Hamel was just as besotted with his wife, whom he met on the set of the show The Anniversary Game, which he hosted and on which Somers was a model, in 1969 before they wed in 1977. Hamel was by his wife’s bedside when she died in her sleep Sunday morning, and one of the last things she heard, Somers’ reps said, was a love poem Hamel had written for her in celebration of her birthday. He shared it with her early in light of her worsening condition.
As Somers’ rep told People of the poem, he “gave it to her a day early and she read the poem and went to bed and later died peacefully in her sleep.”
Written in all capital letters, Hamel’s ode explores the depth of his love for Somers, struggling to find a way to describe it and reading in part, “55 YEARS TOGETHER, 46 MARRIED AND NOT EVEN ONE HOUR APART FOR 42 OF THOSE YEARS. EVEN THAT DOESN’T DO IT. EVEN GOING TO BED AT 6 O’CLOCK AND HOLDING HANDS WHILE WE SLEEP DOESN’T DO IT. STARING AT YOUR BEAUTIFUL FACE WHILE YOU SLEEP DOESN’T DO IT.”
Somers’ representatives shared the late star’s reaction to the poem, which she had planned to share on social media Monday for her birthday alongside the poem’s text, with Vanity Fair.
“Speaking of love… my beautiful Alan, wrote this for me for my birthday,” Somers said. “WOW. Could I be any luckier to have this epic love in my life? It’s only about who you love and who loves you… and I love you.”
Read the full text of Hamel’s poem below.
LOVE I USE IT EVERY DAY, SOMETIMES SEVERAL TIMES A DAY. I USE IT AT THE END OF EMAILS TO MY LOVING FAMILY. I EVEN USE IT IN EMAILS TO CLOSE FRIENDS. I USE IT WHEN I’M LEAVING THE HOUSE.
THERE’S LOVE, THEN LOVE YOU AND I LOVE YOU!! THEREIN LIES SOME OF THE DIFFERENT WAYS WE USE LOVE. SOMETIMES I FEEL OBLIGED TO USE LOVE, RESPONDING TO SOMEONE WHO SIGNED LOVE IN THEIR EMAIL, WHEN I’M UNCOMFORTABLE USING LOVE BUT I USE IT ANYWAY.
I ALSO USE LOVE TO DESCRIBE A GREAT MEAL. I USE IT TO EXPRESS HOW I FEEL ABOUT A SHOW ON NETFLIX. I OFTEN USE LOVE REFERRING TO MY HOME, MY CAT GLORIA, TO THINGS GLORIA DOES, TO THE TASTE OF A CANTALOUPE I GREW IN MY GARDEN. I LOVE THE TASTE OF A FRESHLY HARVESTED ORGANIC ROYAL JUMBO MEDJOOL DATE. I LOVE BITING A FIG OFF THE TREE. I LOVE WATCHING TWO GIANT BLACKBIRDS WHO LIVE NEARBY SWOOPING BY MY WINDOW IN A POWER DIVE. MY DAILY LIFE ENCOMPASSES THINGS AND PEOPLE I LOVE AND THINGS AND PEOPLE I AM INDIFFERENT TO.
I COULD GO ON AD INFINITUM, BUT YOU GET IT. WHAT BRAND OF LOVE DO I FEEL FOR MY WIFE SUZANNE? CAN I FIND IT IN ANY OF THE ABOVE? A RESOUNDING NO!!!! THERE IS NO VERSION OF THE WORD THAT IS APPLICABLE TO SUZANNE AND I EVEN USE THE WORD APPLICABLE ADVISEDLY.
THE CLOSEST VERSION IN WORDS ISN’T EVEN CLOSE. IT’S NOT EVEN A FRACTION OF A FRACTION OF A FRACTION. UNCONDITIONAL LOVE DOES NOT DO IT. I’LL TAKE A BULLET FOR YOU DOESN’T DO IT. I WEEP WHEN I THINK ABOUT MY FEELINGS FOR YOU. FEELINGS… THAT’S GETTING CLOSE, BUT NOT ALL THE WAY.
55 YEARS TOGETHER, 46 MARRIED AND NOT EVEN ONE HOUR APART FOR 42 OF THOSE YEARS. EVEN THAT DOESN’T DO IT. EVEN GOING TO BED AT 6 O’CLOCK AND HOLDING HANDS WHILE WE SLEEP DOESN’T DO IT. STARING AT YOUR BEAUTIFUL FACE WHILE YOU SLEEP DOESN’T DO IT.
I’M BACK TO FEELINGS. THERE ARE NO WORDS. THERE ARE NO ACTIONS. NO PROMISES. NO DECLARATIONS. EVEN THE GREEN SHADED SCHOLARS OF THE OXFORD UNIVERSITY PRESS HAVE SPENT 150 YEARS AND STILL HAVE FAILED TO COME UP WITH THAT ONE WORD. SO I WILL CALL IT, ‘US’, UNIQUELY, MAGICALLY, INDESCRIBABLY WONDERFUL ‘US.’
In order to understand the dynamic between these two signs, it’ll help to have a refresh on what each is about. Virgo, for one thing, is the sixth sign of the zodiac, and is an earth sign ruled by Mercury. It’s symbolized by the Virgin, representing Virgo’s discerning and particular nature, and is of mutable modality.
Libra, on the other hand, is the seventh sign of the zodiac (right after Virgo), and is symbolized by the scales of justice. It’s an air sign ruled by the planet Venus, and its modality is cardinal. Libra is known to prioritize harmony and diplomacy.
These two signs might be next door neighbors on the zodiac wheel, but that’s about where their commonalities stop. As the AstroTwins previously wrote for mindbodygreen, just because two signs are next to each other doesn’t mean they won’t have “a completely different style of decorating, gardening, and living.” As such, Virgo and Libra can initially feel an inexplicable love/hate tension.
Of course, all that friction can lead to “explosive sexual chemistry and even an obsessive quest to figure each other out,” the twins explain, adding that actually figuring each other out might never be possible.
“Some astrologers believe that each sign is an evolved version of the one before it—the sign after yours is a teacher,” the twins note, adding that, however, you may never admit this person teaches you anything. “This cosmic combination can make for painful breakups and a seething sexual tension that lingers for a lifetime,” they say.
Overall, this is an astrological matchup that’s wrought with tension, but has a strong potential for helping both people become more well-rounded as they learn from each other. Growth isn’t always easy, but there could be lots of it here when both people are ready and willing.
Now, before we get into what these two are like when they come together, it’s important to note that astrological compatibility (aka synastry) requires taking both people’s entire birth chart into account, not just their sun sign. That being said, here’s what to know about Virgo and Libra in love and friendship, plus their similarities and differences.
In June 2018, I packed three suitcases and booked a one-way flight from Texas to join my husband in Denmark. We met in 2016 and had been dating long-distance for much of our relationship. We were excited to get married and build a home and life together.
We found a wonderful apartment online in a new building in Amager, located in the southern part of Copenhagen. My husband viewed the apartment in person and sent me photos while I was still in Dallas.
I love the size of Copenhagen. It feels like a city, but it’s small enough that everything is still accessible
Photo: CNBC Make It
Today, we rent our 1,020-square-foot, two-bedroom apartment for $2,100 a month. The neighborhood is a decent commute to work — I’m a primary school teacher and my husband is in finance — with plenty of beautiful outdoor space and fun places to take our two-year-old son.
We have a small entryway with a built-in closet, and a bench to sit on when you take your shoes off.
Our lease is indefinite, and rent increases are tied to inflation. But we had to pay two month’s rent upfront, and three month’s rent as a security deposit.
Photo: CNBC Make It
We had to buy our own light fixtures, since they often don’t come installed in many Copenhagen apartments. A lot of Danes like this because they can choose things that best fit their style.
Photo: CNBC Make It
When you go into a lot of Danish homes, they have many of the same small design pieces, like this like this little Hoptimist toy. They come in a lot of different colors and styles.
Photo: CNBC Make It
Our sleek, modern bathroom doubles as a laundry room. We’re lucky to have both a washer and dryer in the unit.
Modern bathroom and kitchens can be hard to come by in the city center on a budget, so we were lucky to find a place that had both.
Photo: CNBC Make It
We liked how much space there was in the bedroom, and we’re able to fit in almost a king sized bed.
Photo: CNBC Make It
Since this was a new building, the apartment came with closets already installed. Most people in Denmark have to buy and set them up on their own.
Photo: CNBC Make It
The second bedroom was initially our guest room and office, but we turned it into a nursery when our son was born. What’s nice about our main bedroom is that it came with a wardrobe already built in, which isn’t the case for many Danish apartments.
The main area in our apartment is one big room that includes our kitchen, dining room and living room.
I came here with just three suitcases and didn’t ship anything from the U.S., and my husband had been living with a roommate, so we started fresh.
Photo: CNBC Make It
The kitchen sits along one wall, and is somewhat small by American standards, but we actually have a good amount of storage, especially because we have drawers instead of cabinets.
The kitchen and dining area is slightly smaller than I was used to in the U.S., but we do have some elegant storage options.
Photo: CNBC Make It
The neighborhood is very family-friendly, with plenty of restaurants, bakeries, shops, parks and playgrounds within walking distance.
We have a number of international neighbors. There is also a great beach nearby, which is bustling in the summer. And we have a small balcony that my son loves to play on when the weather is nice.
I’m much happier living in Copenhagen than in Dallas. I think a big part of that is job satisfaction. I’m able to enjoy the time that I’m not at work because I’m not as stressed out anymore.
For our utilities, we spend about $210 per month: $36 for heat, $55 for water, $66 for electricity and $53 for WiFi.
I’m not 100% fluent, but I can have most everyday conversations and exchanges in Danish.
Photo: CNBC Make It
We have a car and pay $120 a month for a parking spot in an underground garage. We also have renter’s insurance that comes to about $40 a month.
The cost of living in Copenhagen is sometimes high. But I know that my salary goes way further here than it did in Dallas, especially in terms of what I was paying for healthcare and transportation in the U.S. And the rent we pay now is a good value for the amount of space we have.
Before I moved here, I never lived in a city with good public transportation before, so I really appreciate it now!
Photo: CNBC Make It
We live close to the metro, so I can easily get anywhere in the Copenhagen area. I pay about $90 a month for a public transportation pass that covers my work commute and everywhere else.
On public transit, it’s 15 minutes from our front door to the city center in one direction, and 15 minutes to the airport in the other direction, which is very convenient.
Looking ahead, we’d like to eventually get some more space, and we may need to move a bit further out of the city to achieve that. But we love Copenhagen, so we wouldn’t go too far. And I have loved living in this apartment. It has been a great first home in my new country.
Ilana Buhl is an elementary school teacher. She studied abroad in Denmark and quickly fell in love with the city. She now lives in Copenhagen with her husband and son, and shares snippets of her life on social media. Follow her on TikTok and Instagram.
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In order to understand the dynamic between these two signs, let’s first unpack what both signs are all about.
Libra, for one thing, is the seventh sign of the zodiac, marking the halfway point of the astrological year. It’s a cardinal air sign ruled by Venus, the planet of love and beauty. Its symbol is the Scales—the only inanimate zodiac symbol—representing Libra’s ability to see all sides and find the balance therein.
Sagittarius, meanwhile, is the ninth sign of the astrological year. It’s a mutable fire sign ruled by Jupiter, the planet of luck and expansion. Sagittarius is symbolized by the Archer (a centaur), and this sign wants to adventure, explore, and be spontaneous.
According to the AstroTwins, these Sag and Libra are two signs apart on the zodiac wheel, meaning they form a “sextile” or 60-degree angle. And lucky for them, a sextile is one of the easiest aspects you can have with another sign. As the twins explain, “It’s easy and breezy to date a person who lives two zodiac signs away. Your signs are always of a compatible element, making this a great match.”
In the case of Libra and Sag, the compatible elements in question are fire and air, while both signs are “yang” or “masculine” signs. And when you put fire and air together, according to astrologer Molly Pennington, Ph.D., there’s an element of “fanning the flames,” so these two signs can each fuel the other.
Before we dig deeper into the compatibility between these two, it’s worth noting that astrological compatibility comes down to way more than just your sun sign, so it’s important to take both people’s entire birth chart into account.
