Ben Affleck is enjoying some family time while his wife Jennifer Lopez is away!
On Wednesday, as his estranged partner was seen having fun in Italy, the actor was photographed riding his motorcycle in Los Angeles with his youngest child Samuel tagging along. The boys could be seen in casual clothes going for a ride in their Brentwood neighborhood (where the Air star is renting a home close to his ex Jennifer Garner‘s pad). The 12-year-old wore sweatpants and a T-shirt while Ben rocked jeans and a navy shirt. Of course, they both had helmets on, too! They were spotted riding through the area before pulling up to a house. See HERE.
As mentioned, this sighting comes amid marriage troubles for the couple — making J.Lo’s solo trip to Positano, Italy a shocker! She just canceled her tour to hang out with friends and family more (a decision that seemed to be made so she could work on her failing relationship), and yet she’s now halfway around the world having a blast on her own! Not the best sign! Especially when you see how happy she looked without Ben!
Not a care in the world! So what does this mean for the relationship?!
As Perezcious readers know, for weeks now, sources have been going back and forth about how dire the situation is for the couple. For a while, it sounded like the Shotgun Wedding star was determined to save the romance no matter what — but now, not so much. The latest Us Weekly insiders have claimed that the duo can no longer see eye to eye on their future together — and that divorce is a big part of the conversation. The source stressed:
“They can’t get on the same page [and] have been discussing divorce as an option.”
Oof. Plus, they’re quietly trying to sell their marital home. Once that’s gone, there won’t be much keeping them together. So, this could all be over soon… unless, maybe this time apart is just the break they needed before figuring things out? We’ll see…
The renowned American comedian Chris Rock talked about the importance of sex in a marriage. In his Netflix Special Tambourine, he opines that as long as you keep having sex, the relationship will flourish. He rather candidly admits that his porn addiction led him to neglect his wife, eventually leading to a divorce. That was the perfect example of sexless marriage effects on wife.
While watching the special, I thought about conversations with my married girlfriends about their sex lives. To them, sex is so much more than fleeting moments of orgasmic pleasure. The simple act of two bodies coming together plays a big role in building an emotional connection. So, what happens when sex is no longer or barely on the menu, thus leading to a sexless marriage?
To answer the question of what is a sexless marriage and how it affects a woman, I spoke with sexologist Dr. Rajan Bhonsle (MD, MBBS Medicine and Surgery), who specializes in premarital counseling and has over three decades of experience as a sex therapist.
Sexless Marriage Effects On Wife — 11 Ways It Takes A Toll
In understanding the sexless marriage effects on wife, it’s important to understand the role of sex in the relationship. Sex is one of the fundamental aspects of a happy marriage. It is the ultimate definition of physical and emotional intimacy in a healthy relationship. A healthy sex life is one of the signs that you have an emotional connection with your partner. Yet the running theme for some women is “my husband has no sexual desire for me”. They have to contend with a no-sex marriage.
That leads to the question, what is a sexless marriage? The simplest definition is a marital union experiencing low or non-existent sexual activity. A BBC report shows that the number of millennials living in sexless marriages is on the increase. That’s interesting in itself as it would be easier to think that older couples would be the ones facing these challenges. Yet these demographics are reporting declines in sexual activities due to various reasons such as: ·
Coping with childcare
The reality of marriage
Low libido
Consumption of pornography
Retreat from sex with reports of lower sexual desire, etc
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In understanding the emotive component of the impact of a sexless marriage on a wife, I asked Dr. Bhonsle whether men and women view it differently. This is what he had to say. “Of course, men and women view sex in a marriage in very different ways. Men and women differ in their bodies, hormones, thinking, and how they emote, feel, and approach sex. Women do attach more emotion to sex and that arises from the emotional closeness they have to a person.”
For a woman, the “my husband has no sexual desire” realization can be a debilitating blow to her self-esteem and sense of self. Sexless marriage effects on husband can be markedly different from sexless marriage effects on wife, as you will see:
One of my girlfriends told me, “My husband loves me but not sexually, what should I do about the lack of physical intimacy?” It was obvious she was going through serious emotional distress from his lack of sexual attraction to her. The lack of physical and emotional intimacy made her feel unloved and undesired. It was difficult for her to deal with the sexual rejection from her partner.
Ironically, in all other aspects, he is an exceptional husband and father. I could see the toll on her because she was always anxious, depressed, and suffered from low self-esteem. Dr. Bhonsle agrees that sexless marriage effects on wife can be devastating. “Women desire physical intimacy as a way to express their feelings and love. The lack of sex can make her feel unloved or rejected.”
A Reddit user shares her experience of being in a sexless marriage: “I started to feel like things were never going to improve. We’d have each other maybe 2-3x/year. I’m not a particularly high-libido person, but even that is desperately little for me. I completely stopped attempting to initiate because each rejection came with more defensiveness and just felt like a total gut punch. I felt ugly and unwanted. He’d make comments when I’d put on 2-5lbs. I stuffed down all sexual feelings, figuring that the rest of our relationship was good enough, maybe sex just wasn’t meant to be for me.”
2. Strained relationship dynamics
Lack of physical intimacy can put a strain on the marriage
A common concern for many wives is, “My husband has no sexual desire and it is impacting our relationship.” With the lack of emotional intimacy and physical intimacy, my friend has to deal with hurt feelings due to the rejection she feels. That makes it hard to talk to her husband leading to a very strained situation in the house. Her husband treats any sex conversation as a taboo subject or an attack on his manhood. I can see them slowly but surely drifting apart with increased resentment between them.
3. Lack of sex causes decreased relationship satisfaction
The sexless marriage effects on a woman can negatively impact the relationship. Chris Rock says relationship issues won’t seem as bad as long as there is frequent sex in the marriage. That begs the question, how often do married couples have sex? With so many things going on in daily life, it’s hard to give a definitive answer. But there’s no doubt that an active sex life translates to higher relationship satisfaction for wives.
“Do you think he finds me unattractive because of the weight I gained after giving birth?” How could I convince my friend that she was still as beautiful as ever? To see her self-esteem drain out of her had me feeling emotionally enraged and exhausted. She was displaying signs of low self-esteem. It was rather apparent that she attached a lot of her self-worth to her husband’s sexual desire for her.
5. Heightened vulnerability to infidelity
Marriage and affairs tend to go hand in hand. To convince herself that she was still an attractive woman, my friend engaged in several meaningless sexual encounters. The lack of a healthy sex life with her partner, communication breakdown, unresolved conflicts, and a lack of emotional connection had her on the edge. For a few minutes, she was able to put aside her negative feelings and feel like a woman again. I found it hard to judge because I understood that living in a sexless marriage is one of the reasons why women cheat.
6. Impact on physical and mental health
The dangers of sexless marriage can be very pervasive. Anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, loneliness, frustration, and unmet needs will take a toll on the woman’s mental health. The same applies to her physical health. Studies show that a lack of sexual activity can result in thyroid disorders, obesity, hypertension, fatigue, back problems, etc.
I am glad we were able to talk my friend into seeking professional help for herself. She first had to heal emotionally and deal with her negative feelings before suggesting couples therapy or seeing a sex therapist with her husband.
“My sexless marriage is killing me because I am losing trust in my husband. I know he has a high libido, so who is satisfying him right now,” asks my friend all the time. Her misgivings are on point since in many instances sexless marriage and affairs are familiar bedfellows. Yet it is possible to survive a sexless marriage without cheating, but no one says it is an easy task.
8. The sexless marriage effects on wife include decreased libido
“I know my husband loves me but not sexually and it is impacting my libido,” says my friend, “I am afraid he has lost interest in me.” Despite her numerous sexual encounters, my friend admits that the risky liaisons are more about making her feel good about herself. She actually has no desire for sex but looks forward to the physical intimacy of the act. The lack of physical and emotional intimacy with her spouse has severely impacted her libido. Right now, she is seeing a sex counselor to hopefully turn around things.
9. Communication breakdown
Many couples find it hard to discuss sexual intimacy or why it may be fading. The lack of physical intimacy further exacerbates the situation. The loss of trust and budding resentment will make it hard for the wife in the sexless marriage to communicate her true feelings. It’s important to learn the right mechanisms for how to cope with a sexless marriage, otherwise, the relationship can unravel quickly.
A sexless marriage causes a sense of loneliness since there is a breakdown in the physical, sexual, and emotional connection. Since her husband does not talk to her, my friend feels like she is alone in the marriage. That gives her immense anxiety and a sense of constant dejection. In such situations, it’s important to identify when to walk away from sexless marriage lest it leave one’s mental health in a shambles.
11. Divorce
My friend asked a lawyer, “Is a sexless marriage grounds for divorce?” She was surprised to learn that it is. Denying your partner sex without good reason amounts to cruelty in the marriage. When there is no possible resolution to the lack of sexual intimacy, divorce may become imminent for a lot of couples. If you also wonder, “My sexless marriage is killing me, what are my options?” or when to walk away from sexless marriage, you may already be at the end of your rope.
Can A Woman Survive In A No-Sex Marriage?
If you undertake a cursory internet search on how long do sexless marriages last, the statistics do not look very positive. As many as 50% or higher end up in divorce. Here are some interesting statistics.
At the end of the first year of marriage, sexual frequency reduces by nearly half
1.7% and 1.3% of men and women respectively in a marriage do not have sex at all
12% of women within the midlife range self-report low libido within the sexless marriage
33% of women above the age of 45 deal with stress due to their lack of sexual desire
After 4 years of marriage life, only 48% of women want to have sexual intimacy with their partners
Despite the statistics, yes, a woman can survive in a no-sex marriage. True, you may not experience optimal well-being or happiness. But the trick is to learn how to survive a sexless marriage as a woman, which I will discuss next.
Before that, I want to touch upon another important question: how devastating is it for a woman if there is no sex in a marriage? Dr. Bhonsle says, “It depends on various factors. We are all differently constituted with different preferences. So, not all women will be devastated by sexual rejection or lack of sexual activity in the marriage. Some think and feel about love and sex differently. The same applies to their need for physical intimacy. A woman can be content with other expressions of intimacy like an emotional or warm connection. In such cases, surviving a sexless marriage isn’t hard.
A Reddit user shares their experience to the question of how long do sexless marriages last compared to normal ones. “It’s everything until you either no longer have a marriage or just move past it. I stressed for about 5 years over my sh*tty sex life and this year I finally got it into my head that “this is life now.” Been feeling better since. Before the comments came in: divorce was never an option I would consider initiating, and neither is an open marriage/infidelity an option.”
Physical incapability of engaging in the act such as injuries or chronic health conditions
Aging
Boredom in the bedroom
It’s possible to find a solution to some of the sexless marriage causes. But what happens when the man treats the topic as a taboo subject? Dr. Bhonsle says “I would explore the reason for his refusal to address the topic. It could be biological, relational, spiritual, misunderstanding, or conflict. Also, a resolution is possible only if a person or couple is willing to get the necessary help to overcome the situation.”
How To Deal With A Sexless Marriage As A Woman
Honesty about the impact of lack of sex is critical to finding a resolution
Learning how to deal with a sexless marriage as a woman is not easy. Remember, the marriage may not beloveless, just sexless. So, if you want happiness and fulfillment you need to learn how to survive a sexless marriage as a woman. Instead of merely surviving, how about learning how to deal with the lack of sex? And, if push comes to shove, know when to walk away from sexless marriage.
My friend was not ready to divorce, so she had to learn how to be happy in a sexless marriage. Some of the steps she took, after talking to a counselor, include the following:
1. How to be happy in a sexless marriage: Honest sexual communication
Even though her husband viewed talking about sex as a taboo subject, she stuck to her guns. It was important to her to voice her feelings and concerns about the lack of sexual intimacy with him.
2. Surviving a sexless marriage as a woman requires self-care
Self-care and self-love are key to learning how to survive a sexless marriage as a woman. After her mental and physical health took a beating, my friend learned to prioritize herself. She took up new hobbies, went on solo trips, and spent time finding herself once again.
3. Reframe expectations when dealing with a no-sex marriage
“My husband loves me but not sexually, what should I do?” Well, look at the bigger picture of your marriage. Numerous aspects, other than engaging in frequent sexual activity, define a healthy relationship. My friend’s husband is a wonderful father and provider. She extended the grace of recognition of his efforts to break down some of the walls resentment was bringing up.
“My husband does not want me sexually.” True, this can be a heart-breaking realization but that does not mean you cannot explore other forms of physical intimacy. Hold hands, cuddle, kiss or just gaze into each other’s eyes. Before you know it, the low libido could be a thing of the past.
5. Work on recreating a healthy relationship
Is lack of sex enough grounds for divorce? Yes, lack of sexual activity or being in sexless relationships can be grounds for divorce. But that should not be the first option. True, dealing with sexual rejection from your partner is tough. But, roll up your sleeves and work at regaining what brought the two of you together. Communication, respect, and trust in a relationship are key factors in the process.
6. How to cope with a sexless marriage: Get professional help
The best way to tackle the question of how to cope with a sexless marriage is by seeking professional help. My friend credits her therapist for regaining a lot of her happiness. She got to see that while an active sex life in a romantic relationship is important, it should not be the defining factor of relationship satisfaction.
I asked Dr. Bhonsle to respond to the issue of when to walk away from sexless marriage. Indeed, is a sexless marriage grounds for divorce? Or is there any hope for a sexless marriage? “I would never advise a woman to walk away from a marriage because of sex. Marriage is so much more than just sex. There’s love, care, and respect for each other, and there’s also the aspect of companionship. But sometimes for factors beyond their control, there is no sex in the marriage.
“Even then, as an expert, I would never advise her to walk away. If she is feeling deprived of sex and he is denying it due to conflict, infidelity, vices, or physical incapability, there is a need to rectify the situation. This could be through seeking treatment for medical issues, therapy from a counselor, etc.”
Don’t be quick to castigate your partner because of lack of sex. As Dr. Bhonsle says, there could be reasons for lack of sexual intimacy that are beyond your spouse’s control. With a better understanding, you can both work toward finding a solution to the lack of sexual intimacy.
Key Pointers
How long sexless marriages last depends on whether you want to work on the issues or quit. Seeking professional help from a sex therapist or sex counselor can get you back on track once again to a healthy relationship
How to cope with a sexless marriage requires acceptance, self-love, seeking professional help like sex therapy, and looking for other forms of intimacy
Dangers of sexless marriage include infidelity, resentment, low self-esteem, depression, and anxiety
When to walk away from a sexless marriage? You should consider it only if you have exhausted all efforts to rectify the issues
Work on building emotional intimacy to bring the spark back to your life. Sex therapy and open sexual communication are also critical
A sexless marriage could mean the total absence or lack of frequent sex. It is hard to know how to cope with a sexless marriage. The emotional impact on a wife living in a no sex marriage can be profound. It will affect your emotional well-being, healthy relationship dynamics, and overall satisfaction with life. However, there are ways to cope with and address these challenges.
The answer to how to be happy in a sexless marriage lies in open sexual communication, seeking professional help, or considering alternative solutions. Finally, prioritize your happiness and fulfillment, and most importantly do not fall into the trap of sexless marriage and affairs. You already have your person, so work on making it work.
“My husband is a very horny person and he wants sex all the time.” That is how a Reddit user begins her long rant on her husband who wants sex “regardless of her energy.” Someone in the comment section says, “He needs to grow up (…),” but we are sure you want a better solution than that to figure out how to deal with a sexually demanding husband.
Sexual incompatibility is extremely common and can reflect in your relationship in various ways. Is your husband asking for too much sex? Or is he asking for sex of a different kind? Are your kinks incompatible? If you often say to yourself, “My husband feels entitled to my body,” you are pointing to a different problem: a complete lack of respect and consent.
The solution to these issues is neither easy nor straightforward, but we will try to cover as many of them as possible. Regardless, we want you to know that this is not a unique, unsolvable mystery of a problem and that you are not alone. Let us take this head on, one question at a time.
Is It Normal For A Man To Want Sex Every Day?
As per a YouGov survey, which had a sample size of around 1000 individuals (half of whom were males), 5% of males ‘had’ sex every day, while 18% ‘wanted to have’ sex every day. What is also interesting is that 3% of women too ‘had’ sex every day and 9% ‘wanted to have’ sex every day. The survey clearly indicates that wanting to have sex every day is not rare at all. A guy may want sex every day, especially if he is young and has a high sex drive. In fact, many factors can affect a person’s sex drive. They are:
Age: The younger the person, the higher their sex drive
Hormones: Increased testosterone levels cause high libido
Mental and physical health: Exercise and a good diet affect libido positively, while sleep deprivation, anxiety, and depression, do the opposite
Emotional health: A man may crave sex both as a distraction from stress and anxiety, i.e., for stress relief, as well as as a medium for a connection with a partner and to express love
These factors could also be driving your husband’s high sex drive, in which case it’s completely normal. However, what is important here is the question, “How does the sex drive seem to affect him?” Does his libido make him dysfunctional in any way, interfering with his daily life? Is he constantly pestering you to have sex, taking it personally if he doesn’t get his way? Does he not respect your sexual boundaries? If yes, then your husband’s hyperactive sex drive might be a problem.
Even though the frequency of sexual desire varies widely among individuals of any gender, it’s easy to make this broad generalization that men want more sex. There are certain factors that contribute to this perception. Let us have a look at them:
Biological factors: The hormone testosterone fuels sex drive. Men have a remarkably higher average level of testosterone than women
The evolutionary perspective: There is an assumption that men are driven by the desire to spread their genes
Social and cultural factors: Men may behave in response to the notions propagated by society as to what is the ‘normal’ and ‘expected’ behavior of a ‘man’
Peer pressure: A man might actively be at the receiving end of peer pressure from his immediate social circle, which could be shaping his sexual demands
It’s crucial to recognize that men, like women, are diverse in their desires, needs, and motivations. Assuming that all men want sex frequently oversimplifies the complexity of human sexuality. It’s also important to communicate openly and honestly with partners about sexual desires and expectations to ensure a healthy and fulfilling sexual relationship.
What sexual expectations in marriage are normal?
A study on normal sexual frequency states having sex once a week is enough and that ‘more’ may not always mean better. Another study, published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior, says the average American adult has sex 53 times each year, or a little more than once per week.
However, sexual desires and preferences will vary from person to person, which is why it is neither right nor accurate to generalize a number to find out the right sexual expectations in marriage. Just because these studies say that once a week should be enough, it doesn’t make your partner crazy for feeling horny every two days.
Do you keep wondering, “How many times do married couples make love?” or “How often do happy couples have sex?” These are not easy questions to answer. A happy, healthy marriage may have nothing to do with the number of times a couple has sex. Marital crisis arises when one partner needs sex more often than the other, making the ‘demander’ feel rejected for wanting sex and not receiving it and the ‘rejector’ feeling guilty that they may not be providing their partner enough physical pleasure and feeling scared that it may cause the unsatisfied partner to leave them or cheat.
Therefore, it might be helpful to avoid focusing on what is ‘normal’. What is not normal is for couples to have no recourse to this agony of a mismatch in their sexual expectations. We advise that you stop focusing on what level of sexual expectations in marriage is ‘normal’, and instead work toward creating a healthy open channel of communication with your partner and finding the right number that works for you. But how? We will come to that very soon.
At this stage, you might be doubting if your partner is behaving normally. You might also be wondering if this is only a case of mismatched libidos or you have on your hand what one should call a ‘sexually demanding husband’. There are some signs that can guide you toward the right conclusion. Recognizing signs of heightened sexual interest can allow you to take the right steps to resolve any misunderstandings, help you establish clear boundaries, and facilitate discussions around mutual satisfaction and fulfillment to build a healthy relationship.
You must keep in mind that some of these signs are not lone indicators that your husband’s sexual desire is unreasonable. These signs work in combination with other signs for a more accurate conclusion:
Your husband’s sexual expectations may be pressuring you into feeling guilt-ridden
Initiating sex frequently: Your spouse frequently initiates sexual activities or conversations about them. This indicates a higher level of interest in sexual intimacy
Persistent arousal: There are signs of physical arousal and you just can not ignore them. Frequent erections or prolonged periods of being sexually aroused may suggest heightened sexual needs. He may also indulge in frequent self-stimulation or masturbation as he seeks an outlet for his needs
Suggestive language: He uses explicit and suggestive language. This may be in private or public settings, revealing his increased focus in sexual matters and his desire for physical intimacy. He may regularly be engaging in conversations or discussions revolving around sexual topics, preferences, and fantasies, signaling a high libido and demand
You feel the pressure for experimentation: If your sexually demanding husband consistently expresses a strong interest in trying new sexual positions, fantasies, or experiences, it may cause you to feel the pressure to indulge him sexually more than you would if left to your own desires. He may not just be interested in increased frequency but also in variety
High focus on physical attraction over emotional connection: A sexually demanding guy will place a strong emphasis on physical appearance and attractiveness, than on emotional connection. He will compliment or comment on your looks much more regularly than focus on your emotional bond and the values you two share
Unilateral decision-making in intimacy-related matters: Making unilateral decisions about sexual activity, without considering your feelings or preferences, may indicate a disregard for mutual consent and an increased focus on his personal sex life
Expressing sexual frustration through aggression: If your partner shows aggression toward you, violates you, ignores your sexual boundaries, uses manipulation in the relationship to coerce you into fulfilling his needs, such as emotionally blackmailing you, shaming you, threatening to leave, cheat, or assault (the list is endless), it’s a clear non-negotiable sign that your husband is not only sexually demanding. In fact, this could be lead to a case of marital rape, and you must prioritize protecting yourself
NOTE: Many wives will complain, “My husband forces me to do things.” That is not okay! Here is a quick answer to many similar queries related to horrible things some women complain about:
My husband pressures me sexually. Is that okay? NO.
My husband touches me when I’m sleeping. Is that okay? NO.
My husband is too sexually aggressive. Is that normal for a man? NO.
My husband wants oral sex every day. Is that normal? NO.
My husband wants me to sleep with another man. Is that okay? NO, unless you want it too.
My husband wants a threesome. Is that okay? NO. Unless you too want it.
I am hoping it must now be clear(er) to you if your husband is unreasonably horny or if he is just a more sexual person. You must now be thinking of the next steps. Dealing with a sexually demanding husband or not, your relationship requires opening channels of communication, setting clear boundaries, and maintaining mutual respect. If you have been wondering how to get in sync with your partner sexually, here are 11 ways to do so:
1. It’s time for introspection
Before you reach out to your partner (you know we will advise you to do that at some point), you need to find out where exactly you are in terms of the relationship. You can begin by answering these questions for yourself:
Do you find your husband attractive? This might be helpful if your complaint is “I don’t want to sleep with my husband”
If not, what do you think may have caused you to lose interest?
What do you find attractive in a man?
What is your ideal sex routine?
Does intimacy in general make you uncomfortable? Do you have intimacy issues?
Are you asexual? (It is completely all right to be so!)
Does your partner make you feel respected in other areas of your life?
If you say, “My husband is obsessed with me sexually,” can the sexual attention be considered flattering? Or is it bordering on being disrespectful?
2. Physical intimacy vs sex: Is that the root of your problems?
It is common to confuse ‘physical intimacy’ with ‘sexual intimacy,’ which could be the cause behind your relationship woes. Physical intimacy can include non-sexual physical touch, such as cuddling, holding hands, kissing, stroking, ruffling hair, hugging, sleeping with backs or feet touching, and so much more. Our most important advice is to spend time together understanding the difference.
Do you often say to yourself, “My husband wants to be with me all the time,” or ask, “Why is my husband only interested in me sexually?” What if your sexually demanding husband is seeking physical intimacy and knows no other way to seek it? He has what is called as the physical touch love language, but he doesn’t have the emotional maturity of thinking beyond groping you or teasingly hitting your butt. We are not saying he is right, but noting this as the problem can be a great starting point.
Similarly, you too could be misreading his signals, especially if you suffer from intimacy issues. When he pulls you closer, he may not be asking for sex. Or he may be expressing his sexual fantasies because he wants to know yours. However, you are the best judge of your circumstances and feelings. If his behavior is making you uncomfortable, you need to talk to him.
Women often ask, “Why is my husband only interested in me sexually?” Your spouse can answer that best. Once you feel more confident about your thoughts, initiate an honest conversation. You can use this opportunity to express your feelings, needs, and concerns regarding the frequency of sexual activity and the tension and stress that has built up in your relationship. If you have been feeling pressured, or if he is making you feel guilty, tell him so, instead of engaging in mercy sex. Sharing your perspective can help him understand your point of view.
Ask him what he is seeking. What does sex mean to him? What does he try to convey when he gives you the ‘look’? Maybe he just wants to be complimented back. And with your guard up, you haven’t been able to do so enough. How does he feel when you say ‘no’? Is there a better way to say ‘no’? Together, you can get to the root of your husband’s demands and your inhibitions, and possibly reach a middle ground.
NOTE: Talk to your partner outside of the sexual environment. Don’t have ‘the conversation’ as a response to his actions or demands, or else, he will most likely get defensive, and you will be setting up the talk for failure.
4. Try to come to a middle ground
Does a compromise work for you? Hear us out. If your partner wants sex every night and you want it once a week, trying to get close to 2 times a week may work for you. However, finding the middle ground doesn’t always need to be a clinical division of frequency.
This could also be about other concerns. Who initiates sex? Who gives physical compliments? Who makes the other person feel attractive and desired? Who makes efforts in the relationship to spice it up? Physical intimacy is an equally important part of the various kinds of intimacies that cement a relationship, and an effort to strengthen it should come from both sides equally.
Knowing each other’s comfort levels and boundaries when it comes to sexual intimacy is extremely important. Setting down what you are okay or not okay with sexually is a way to show yourself respect. However, keep the following in mind when you sit to talk to him:
Knowing what you enjoy or what is uncomfortable for you takes a fair bit of exploration and introspection. Encourage your husband to do the same
If you have been feeling pressured, talk about consent. You need to set it straight that your partner can not feel entitled to your body. Love does not give one the right to overlook consent
Set boundaries such as specifying what sexual activities are off-limits or defining the frequency of sexual encounters
Establishing clear boundaries and then respecting them will help create trust in each other. This in turn will foster an environment in your relationship where both of you feel free to express your needs and desires
Sexual boundaries change over time. When enough trust is established, both of you might become okay with exploring each other’s desires and find out that you enjoy something you never thought you could
Learning to say no the right way can help you communicate your boundaries without causing him hurt
6. Learn how to say ‘no’ without hurting his feelings
When you say, “My husband pouts when I say ‘no’,” you are clearly frustrated or worried about hurting your partner’s feelings. Let us say your husband isn’t pushing your boundaries as much as he did, anymore, and that he has learnt how to propose sex to you in a way you are comfortable with. When he does, and you are not in the mood, how do you say ‘no’ to him, guilt-free?
Say ‘no’ from a place of empathy. Empathy will allow you to speak from a place of love rather than from a place of guilt and defense
If possible, offer alternative ways to connect, such as bathing together or taking a walk
If you need time alone, express clearly that you need time for yourself and say that you will be back
The idea is that ‘no’ doesn’t have to mean rejection or feel personal. When done right, he can understand that you want to connect with him, just not sexually (or maybe just not now)
7. Emphasize emotional intimacy
Is “my husband wants sex but not intimacy” your biggest complaint? You might have to help him recognize that a deeper emotional connection will enhance overall marital satisfaction. This, in turn, will create ease and comfort, making partners more inclined to come closer. Suggest focusing on the quality of your intimate moments rather than just the quantity.
You can discuss and think of activities that you could engage in to develop emotional intimacy in your marriage without necessarily leading to sexual activity. Less sex and more quality time can surprisingly help balance the dynamics of a sexual relationship.
A friend once told me that her husband, in a heated discussion over the same sexual incompatibility issue, had said to her, “Fine, I push us toward sex, making suggestions, planning things, suggesting ideas. If romance is so important to you, what do you do to make sure we connect romantically?” This was a mindblowing moment for her. She realized that, with her defensive stance, she had stopped initiating any kind of intimacy, and this was taking a toll on her relationship.
When a visual suggestion from your partner means, “Now it’s kissing time, next groping, after which oral, and then home base,” the predictability becomes boring after a point, making it difficult to enjoy sex. And the solution is not just shuffling the sequence on this one. You will need to encourage exploration of pleasure beyond sexual intercourse or the sexual act.
Focus on activities that foster intimacy and pleasure, promoting a holistic approach to satisfaction. Massages, playing out sexual fantasies, reading erotic literature, having deep conversations, bathing together, bubble baths, sex-toys — these things can break the monotonous round-the-bases approach to sex.
9. Disassociate ‘the look’ from sex. Here’s how…
The suggestive ‘look’ (replace it with your husband’s typical sexual advances) from your partner can be a mood killer and cause you to freeze up. Because it comes with the idea of an end result that is always sex. And while you might be in the mood to be physically intimate with your partner, you might not always want to ‘hit the hay’. You both, as a couple, need to disassociate ‘the look’ with an end result. How to do that?
Engage in activities centered on physical intimacy but do not take it to sex. Let the tension build up. Exchange the look, shower together, but then dress up and go to work. After a long workday, fix up a salad naked with your partner and eat it on the couch, laugh together, talk about your day, make plans for the weekend, but don’t ‘knock your boots’. Once you do this enough, ‘the look’ will stop getting intimidating.
10. Seek professional help
If you still find yourself saying, “My husband pressures me sexually” or “My husband is obsessed with me sexually,” you should certainly seek professional help. If these sentences mean you feel physically unsafe, you should reach out to professionals at an abuse helpline immediately. If you are not sure how you feel about the sexual pressure in your relationship, it is always better to err on the side of caution.
If you feel that this is not the case, but communication with your husband has proven to be challenging, seek professional help from a sex therapist or a marriage counselor anyway. Individual counseling can help you sort your own thoughts out and figure out a way to talk to your partner. If you think your partner will be up for it, couples counseling can provide a safe space to discuss concerns and develop strategies to tackle this issue.
Should you need it, Bonobology’s panel of experienced counselors can provide you with the professional perspective that is often pertinent to navigating marital issues. Seeing a therapist will also help you with the next point!
11. Take care of your mental, emotional, and physical health
… preferably with your partner. There are many advantages to taking this approach. The impact of stress on both kinds of libidos — both hyperactive and dormant — is huge. Working together to manage stressors can both alleviate pressure on sexual demands and improve sex drive. When done together, it can be a great way for married couples to spend quality time together and share a common goal. You can try the following:
Exercise and movement: Activities that work your body out can help improve your relationship with your body in turn allowing for better sex
Eating better: Eating wholesome nutritious food nurtures not just your body, it’s an entire love language toward yourself. It motivates you to engage in movement
Journaling: It helps you declutter your thoughts and allows you to get to know yourself better
Seeing a therapist: Consultation with a therapist may help you work on any deeper trauma that may be affecting your partner’s behaviors and/or your responses.
Nurturing hobbies: Spend time doing things you love to boost your mood and improve your self-relationship
Building a support system: Don’t forget to keep in touch with family and friends. They can be the first line of help during difficult times
Key Pointers
Sexual expectations in marriage or a mismatch in sexual frequency and libido is a common bone of contention in marriages and can cause marriage crisis
There is no right number of times a couple must have sex to ensure marital well-being
A sexually demanding husband will initiate sex frequently, make sexual innuendos often, and make unilateral decisions regarding intimacy related matters
You should spend some time to introspect on the situation and your own feelings. Next, talk to your spouse about sexual boundaries and mutual consent, discuss ways to improve intimacy to feel connected with your spouse, and see if a compromise can be found
It is simply not okay for your husband to force something on you. Do not do what you are not comfortable with. Stand your ground. Make reasonable compromises
Seek professional help if you need a third party to weigh in and guide you on how to talk to your husband. If your husband is open to it, you can see a sex therapist together
Change in your sexually demanding husband’s behavior will not happen overnight. And you might have to be patient. But equipped with these tools, we hope you can navigate this obstacle in your relationship. Remember, every relationship is unique, and these suggestions should be tailored to your specific circumstances. The key is to maintain open communication, have an empathetic relationship, and show willingness to understand and support each other’s needs.
And needless to say, if your partner is aggressively violating your boundaries, or engaging in any form of violence — physical, verbal, or emotional — you must get help immediately.
FAQs
1. My husband wants sex but not intimacy. What to do?
If you often find yourself saying “My husband is obsessed with me sexually,” you must talk to your partner about the difference between physical intimacy and sex, and see if he understands it. You may have to show him other ways to connect with you physically that don’t always culminate in the act
2. My husband gets angry when I won’t sleep with him. What to do?
What do you mean by ‘angry’? Does your husband pout like a child? Or does he force himself on you? Both will cause you a certain level of discomfort. While the former can be handled through open communication and therapy, the latter is criminal behavior. Find immediate help if it’s the latter.
3. Why is my husband trying new things in bed?
Maybe he is trying to spice things up. Ideally, he should be taking a more sympathetic approach to initiating this newness with you. But since he is not, maybe you can spend quality time with your husband and have a meaningful discussion regarding this change. Talk to each other about your fantasies and set boundaries on things you are absolutely not comfortable with. Indulge in each other’s fantasies as far as you comfortably can.
