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“There is too much pressure … on what a romantic partner should be. They should be your best friend, they should be your lover, they should be your closest relative, they should be your work partner, they should be the co-parent, your athletic partner. … Of course, everybody isn’t able to quite live up to it,” says Jacqueline Olds, professor of Psychiatry at Harvard University. If you find this description of the modern-day quest for ‘the one’ relatable, you’re not wrong to look for signs you will never find love.
“Why can’t I find love?” has become a far-too-common lament. Brought on by a variety of factors, ranging from the fast-paced dating to hookup culture, unrealistic expectations shaped by social media, and jaded views of love. Together with psychiatrist Dr. Rima Mukherji (MBBS, DPM, MRCPsych), founder-director of Crystal Minds, let’s explore these reasons in greater depth, look at the signs that you may never find love, and find solutions to get past these stumbling blocks.
Why Can’t I Find Love?
If you’re someone on the verge of giving up on love, remember, you’re not alone. If we go by Dr. Mukherji’s views, people who suffer from the fear of never finding love often self-sabotage relationships. Many of the reasons behind this are related to deep-seated psychological issues. People are also not clear about the answers to: “What are you looking for in a relationship?” We will take a look at some such instances in the rest of the article. But first, let us look at a few more such reasons:
- You’re too lazy to look for love: You don’t put in enough effort to look for ‘the one’
- You expect perfection in your partner: You have standards that are too tough to achieve
- You’re looking at the wrong places: You stay in a small town and visit the same old bars and cafes. Or you live in a busy city but don’t venture out to new places and stick to your neighborhood instead. Or you’re limiting yourself to dating sites that don’t align with your needs
- You can’t get over your ex: You’re still stuck on your ex and are looking for them in everyone you meet
- You’re trying too hard and losing your identity: You lose your identity and self-respect in trying to please your potential partner, ending up making them lose interest
Related Reading: Love Takes It’s Time To Develop
Does Everyone Find Love Eventually?
A PEW Research study has found that one in four adults in the US will likely stay single for life. Another study with respondents from Greece and China proved that about half the people who participated in the study faced issues in love and remained single for long periods. So, the question remains, does everyone find love eventually or is true love just found in romcoms?
Dr. Mukherji says, “People may not necessarily find romantic love these days. That’s because most people of this generation have very high expectations from their partners, show rigid character traits (such as unwillingness to adjust), or have certain patterns that attract relationships that don’t last. You need to have clear answers to “What are you looking for in a relationship?”, but you also need to be practical about your expectations when you’re finding the one person to be with.”
15 Signs You Will Never Find Love And How To Overcome Them
Before we get on to the signs you will never find love, let us look at a case Dr. Mukherji handled as a therapist. One of her clients, Rita (name changed to protect identity), a well-educated working woman in her 30s, came to her when she couldn’t accept the fact that men kept rejecting her. She had this constant fear of never finding love.
Dr. Mukherji explains, “Rita seemed very eager to get married. She had been in quite a few relationships, but the moment she hinted that she wished to introduce her boyfriends to her parents, they either ghosted her or cut ties with her politely. She would then turn into the quintessential clingy girlfriend. She would also lose sleep over whether they were dating other women
“After many such incidents of looking for love, out of desperation, Rita, who was insecure about her weight and looks, went through liposuction and multiple cosmetic procedures to tighten her skin, all in the hope of finding ‘the one’. She would also often be dejected to the extent of inflicting self-harm.
“After a series of therapy sessions with me, she has now finally started to accept rejection. No, she still hasn’t found love, but she is less needy now and has learned not to take rejection in love personally.” Rita’s journey is a fine example of how our own insecurities, projections, and behavior patterns can often impede our chances of finding love. With that in mind, let’s look at 15 signs you will never find love and the ways to deal with them:
Related Reading: Love In The Time Of Hook-Up Culture
1. You’re too critical
If you often find yourself thinking, “Why can’t I find love?”, perhaps, it may be a good idea to assess if you hold people to impossibly high standards and struggle to adjust to other people’s shortcomings. Dr. Mukherji says, “People these days are looking for perfection in every area. They can’t accept flaws and are quick to tag them as dating red flags.”
For instance, my friend Natalie was dating a man for a couple of months. The guy ended up switching his phone off one day, and that sent Natalie into a panic about something being amiss. By the end of the day, she was hysterical and in tears. She sent him a few voice messages crying and asking him to get in touch with her as soon as they were delivered.
Her boyfriend called up the next day and explained that he was traveling and was in a no-network zone. However, Natalie ended up picking up a huge fight with him, and it affected their relationship immensely. Any deviation from the expected level of communication would trigger an argument. The constant bickering and fights caused them to part ways.
What to do
Let’s look at a couple of ways in which you can check this trait:
- Be realistic: Before you set out to find love, understand that the other person can have flaws
- Raise self-awareness: Be aware of your shortcomings too, and learn to have realistic expectations
2. You’re a taker
Often, people become ‘takers’ in relationships and look for ‘givers’. And while their partners end up giving too much in a relationship, the takers eventually lose them. Their list of what they seek in a partner never ends. A Reddit user who had a similar tendency while seeking love wrote, “My girlfriend of 3 years is a chronic giver. She’s constantly bending and doing things for me whether I ask or don’t ask. She’s always taken care of me whether it’s physically, mentally, or financially. We recently talked and we discovered that I’m a taker and she’s a giver.
Related Reading: To Love Or Be Loved? Loving Someone Is More Fulfilling…
It’s starting to cause problems and I need advice on how to give back to her without taking so much. I grew up in a very “take what you can get” household. So, it’s in my nature to take and not give.”
What to do
If you think you’re a ‘taker’ in the relationship, try the following tips to balance the dynamics in your relationships:
- Stop being selfish: In relationships, the give and take may not be 50-50, but you need to give at times to be able to receive whatever is being offered from the other end without it appearing like you’re using them
- Go for therapy: A lot of people are not aware of their roles in relationships. They should read up more on how to be good partners and opt for therapy to address this issue
3. You’re clingy
Just like Rita in the case mentioned above, maybe you tend to get too clingy and end up pushing a partner or even a romantic prospect away. Dr. Mukherji says, “If you end up being excessively clingy, with no respect for your partner’s boundaries, you are bound to lose them someday.” Here are some instances of such signs you will never find love:
- You’re constantly calling them, texting them, or DM-ing them on social media to stay in touch throughout the day
- You’re too needy and always need them to check on you and do things for you to validate your existence
What to do
If you can’t stop being nosy and clingy with your partner, try the following tips:
- Realize that you are whole on your own: Resist the need for constant validation by your partner. Realize that someone else can’t complete you or make your day, and stop seeking their attention
- Empathize and give them space: Understand that just because your partner isn’t calling you, they aren’t cheating on you. Show some empathy in the relationship and put yourself in their shows. Maybe they had a busy day and couldn’t call you
4. You’re overly suspicious
Rita would spend her days worrying about her partner’s whereabouts, even after they cut ties with her. Do you too tend to assume the worst in people? For instance, if you connect with someone on a dating app, do you start thinking about how many others this person is talking to/hooking up with? Or if you start dating someone, do you suspect they’re cheating on you with a coworker every time they’re working late? Have you had relationships fall apart in the past because of your suspicious nature? Well, these are signs of a toxic relationship that could push people away.
Dr. Mukherji explains, “Constantly monitoring movements, keeping tabs, going through text messages, and stalking on social media are signs that you’re overly suspicious. And this stems from insecurity. Your endless questions and demands that they switch their live location on or tell you about what they’re doing throughout the day can do more harm than good.”
Related Reading: Trust Issues – 10 Signs You Find It Difficult To Trust Anyone
What to do
Being overly suspicious can wreak havoc on your mental health too. Try and address the issue by adopting the following measures:
- Build trust: Trust is the pillar of any relationship. Talk things out and work toward building trust
- Address past trauma: Take a look at your past relationship trauma (incidents of cheating, etc.) that could be causing you to behave this way and work on your own insecurities
- Be engaged in your work: Have a life of your own and stay busy so that you don’t have the time for unnecessary suspicion
5. You threaten or indulge in self-harm
This is by far the most dangerous of all signs you’ll never find love. Dr. Mukherji explains, “Blackmailing or threatening to hurt yourself or commit suicide can be an extreme form of manipulation. In such cases, you end up frightening the other person. Trying to make them feel guilty for not going by your whims may not work. They may carry on for a while out of fear but will leave you eventually. Remember, love cannot be achieved by putting a gun to someone’s head.”
What to do
If you have ever tried getting your way by threatening or blackmailing another person, you need to check yourself by trying the following tips:
- Be aware of your own need for validation: Realize that you may have some deep-seated insecurity that is causing this need to seek validation. This is probably leading you to take this extreme step of getting ‘love’ by hook or crook
- Develop empathy for your partner: Realize that your partner may be feeling pressured to be with you. And who would want to stay in a relationship out of fear or compulsion?
- Realize that you can’t force love: It takes two to tango. Thus, you will never find love if you force someone to be with you with threats
- Get help: Seeking professional help from a counselor or a mental health expert to understand where these tendencies stem from and how to deal with them healthily
Constantly monitoring movements, keeping tabs, going through text messages, and stalking on social media are signs that you’re overly suspicious.
– Dr. Mukherji
6. You may be afraid of commitment
Your inner fear of commitment may be preventing you from getting love. Dr. Mukherji explains, “If you find yourself dating commitment-phobic people repeatedly, that could be a sign that you are commitment-phobic and are thus attracting the same type.”
Related Reading: 9 Signs Of Commitment Issues And 5 Ways To Deal With It
What to do
Do you think you yourself are commitment-phobic? Well, let’s see how you can check that:
- Ask yourself questions: Reflect on whether you want a real relationship with commitment. Anything worthwhile needs a lot of work. Ask yourself if you’re ready to put in that work
- Opt for therapy: If you feel you have issues with commitment, don’t hesitate to opt for individual therapy
7. You’re too self-absorbed
One major sign that you’ll never find love is that you’re too self-centered. Dr. Mukherji cites the following examples of people who are too self-absorbed while looking for a relationship or while they’re in a relationship:
- You wish to be the center of attraction at all events you go to with your bae
- You have a constant need to be pampered
- You’re unable to handle frustrations in relationships and react without waiting for your partner’s explanations
- You feel you’re entitled to cry or throw temper tantrums
What to do
While self-love is fine, being too self-absorbed leaves no room for healthy relationships. In that case, you should adopt the following measures:
- Realize that a relationship isn’t just about what you’re getting out of it: To get the love that you need to offer love too. Understand that a relationship requires both partners to feel special
- Value and shower affection on your love interest: Show the love that you wish to receive. Give the other person attention and care too, as everyone wishes to feel valued in relationships
8. You’re focusing on superficial things
You’re more likely to miss out on love if you devalue the things that matter and focus on flimsy things such as looks and material comforts. Dr. Mukherji explains, “Just beauty or money alone won’t make your partner stay unless you have something more substantial to offer. Who you are as a person and your vibes matter too.” For instance, Rita cared only about her external beauty and forgot that her insecurities and desperation to get a partner were so prominent that they drove her partners away.
Related Reading: 35 Serious Relationship Questions To Know Where You Stand
What to do
Instead of focusing on flimsy factors, you can try the following tips:
- Work on your insecurities: If your entire focus is on superficial things, it hints at a void in yourself. Find out that void and address it, otherwise, you’ll only end up getting into superficial relationships
- Become more comfortable with yourself: Whether you are tall, short, dark, fair, highly educated, or not, remember, in true love, such factors are secondary. Accept yourself the way you are
9. You are not going through self-development
As humans, we must constantly evolve and learn new things. That’s what makes us mature in the way we deal with problems in relationships and in life. Dr. Mukherji says, “When you don’t evolve as a person, you expect another person to fulfill all your needs. This could stem from your childhood, where you probably had one parent catering to all your needs and stunting your growth as an individual.”
In such cases, you grow up to be reliant on romantic relationships. So, you may end up expecting your partner to be that person who caters to all your needs, with you not having to do much.
What to do
To grow and evolve, you need to think beyond your partner. You can do this by adopting the following tips:
- Create a social circle where people help each other: Join a club or create a circle of friends where you nurture people and they nurture you back. This will help you grow and rely less on your partner
- Find alternate sources of strength in your day-to-day activities: For instance, you can develop connections with your coworkers who help you develop skills and grow as a person
10. You have several partners as backup options
Dr. Mukherji explains, “Most people these days have several partners lined up, and that gets in the way of people’s ability to commit to and invest in a relationship. No relationship, no person is perfect. When you always have options lined up, it plays on your mind, and at the first hint of trouble, you gravitate toward the next person on the list instead of staying and trying to work things out.”
Related Reading: Are You Unknowingly Flirting? How To Know?
My coworker, Melanie, had a lot of male friends and whenever she would have an argument with her boyfriend, she would start chatting with them to pacify herself and find possible solutions. This eventually drove her boyfriend away. And I wasn’t surprised, because this behavior is a sign of micro-cheating which, if not checked early on, can lead any relationship to break apart.
What to do
It’s never a nice thing to have tons of people as backup options, as it can only mess with your relationship priorities. Try the following tips to focus on your potential partner and to prevent yourself from divulging too much to others:
- Wait for your partner to cool off: People need to give enough time and space to their partners after a conflict and not confide in a third party immediately
- Learn to create some boundaries: As in relationships, one must create some boundaries in friendships too. If you don’t differentiate between your boyfriend/girlfriend and other friends, don’t be surprised if you find yourself without a partner all of a sudden
11. You’re too controlling
Another way you could be driving your prospective partners away is by trying to control the other person’s life in all areas. Dr. Mukherji says, “Just because you’re in a relationship, it doesn’t give you the right to control your partner’s life.”
This reminds me of one of my exes, whom I had dated for a couple of years and who was too controlling. He not only asked me to unfriend many of my male friends on social media but would also call me up at odd hours to check who I was with. This became too stifling for me and I eventually left him.
Most people these days have several partners lined up and that gets in the way of people’s ability to commit to and invest in a relationship.
– Dr. Mukherji
What to do
Here’s what you can do instead of being jealous and controlling your potential partner and having your say all the time:
- Stop being a control freak: Whenever you feel the urge to control your partner’s actions, stop it right there
- Make relationship rules that apply to both: If you feel the need to control your partner, make sure you give them the right to control you too. That way, you will realize how stifling they feel when you control them
12. You are violent when you’re angry
Violence can never solve any conflict and only makes the gap between two people wider. Imagine getting berated, yelled at, slapped, and pushed during a petty quarrel. Such violence can create long-term psychological issues for the person at the receiving end. Would you want to be with someone who treats you this way? No, right? If you get violent when you’re angry, it may explain why you have trouble finding love or holding on to relationships. This is why anger management is extremely important in relationships.
Dr. Mukherji explains, “Violence can take many forms and may not always be directed at your partner. For instance, you can take your anger out on the people around you (even unknown people, such as the waiter at a restaurant) or on yourself (by hurting yourself physically). You may even resort to breaking things and yelling.” In such cases, your partner may decide to quit and will be right in doing so, as such violence is not just harmful but also embarrassing.
Related Reading: How To Channel Your Anger And Jealousy Into Motivation
What to do
If you often find yourself reacting violently when you disagree with someone or are angry, try the following tips:
- Get therapy: If you have uncontrollable anger, you can choose to go for therapy
- Locate triggers: You can try and locate the issues that trigger you to be violent
13. You have addictions
Your addictions may be an obstacle in your way to finding love. Imagine you’re on a date and you’re constantly looking at your phone. After all, you need to check how many ‘likes’ your new Instagram post has received. You’re addicted to social media, and you don’t even listen to what your date is saying. You eventually end up putting them off.
Or let’s say, you meet your potential partner high on weed. You can hardly keep your eyes open. This is highly disrespectful and will likely nip many budding romantic connections in the bid. Some other addictions that can ruin your love life are:
- Drug addiction
- Alcohol addiction
- Social media addiction
- Gaming addiction
It’s a common fallacy that finding someone you love and who loves you back can help you recover from your addictions. Dr. Mukherji explains, “Love is not an answer to addictions, and it’s foolish to think love will cure you of addiction.”
What to do
Are you someone who suffers from one of the addictions mentioned above? Well, try the following tips to control yourself:
- Ask yourself what your priority is: Make a decision. If it’s a choice between sticking to your addictions and being alone forever, which one is more important to you? You’ll have the answer
- Get help: Addictions aren’t just bad for your relationships but they end up ruining your whole life. It’s important to get help, either in the form of de-addiction therapy or through addiction recovery platforms like Alcoholics Anonymous (or its many versions that exist today, depending on the addiction you’re grappling with)
14. You have unrealistic expectations
The problem with most of us these days is that we expect a lot from our partners. Dr. Mukherji explains, “Our lists are never-ending and we’re constantly seeking high standards that even we may not meet. In other words, most of us have unrealistic expectations in our relationships.” Be it professional brilliance, our obsession with good looks, or social media popularity, we are constantly striving to find the best partners for ourselves. And, at times, that’s what prevents us from finding love.
Related Reading: Drawing The Line Between Love And Privacy In A Relationship
For instance, one of my friends, a travel influencer with around 25,000 followers, was looking for a partner with more followers than her so that they could become a travel couple on Instagram. That was 2 years back. She is still single at 38 because even though she does find men with more followers than her, they often fall short when it comes to her other criteria, such as loyalty or looks.
What to do
Here’s what you can do instead of creating unrealistic standards for your potential partner:
- Tone your expectations down: It’s good to have standards, but it’s better to have realistic standards
- Realize that love can’t be measured by standards: Love can’t be measured by a scale. Stop grading people on such frivolous things and start focusing on the person
15. Self-fulfilling prophecy
Dr. Mukherji says, “At times, nothing but our own negative beliefs ruin things for us in relationships.” For instance, our past disappointments in relationships may make us act negatively. We may approach our relationships half-heartedly, may give lukewarm responses to our partners (thinking it may not work out), and stop turning up for dates.
Here’s how Dr. Susan Albers describes the phenomenon: “When you set certain expectations, those expectations can lead you to notice certain things but not pay attention to others. Your mind focuses on details that confirm what you expect.”
What to do
If you feel you need to control your negative thoughts and prevent them from ruining your chances with your potential partner, try the following tips:
- Go for therapy: Instead of sinking into a sea of negativity, try some therapy to get to the root cause and infuse some positivity
- Put in effort: Relationships require effort. Communicate, look good, and do what it takes to make it work
- Resolve arguments promptly: Don’t sleep over conflicts. Resolve them immediately
Key Pointers
- If you’re looking for a relationship, remember that not everyone finds love eventually, and many adults are actually living through long periods of singlehood
- Some signs you will never find love are: you have violent anger, you are afraid of commitment, you are self-absorbed, and you are a taker
- Some solutions to this issue are: going for therapy, having realistic expectations, and putting in effort in the relationship
Final Thoughts
We hope our low-down on the signs you will never find love and their solutions have made you a little more hopeful about finding love. If you’re looking for a relationship, you need to realize that love is a two-way street and you can’t expect to find it unless you put in effort and work on your flaws. What are you looking for in a relationship? Introspect on this before giving up on love. Have realistic expectations, go out there, and win the world with your most positive and improved self. We wish you all the luck!
9 Things To Do If You Are In Love But Relationship Is Not Working
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