ReportWire

Tag: love

  • Asking Eric: Girlfriend loves whiskey and other men

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    Dear Eric: I’m a 64-year-old male and I have a 59-year-old girlfriend of a couple years. My perception is that my girlfriend is constantly seeking attention from other men. For instance, we were out on an ATV ride with another couple and a third man. Our ride brought us through many miles of back country. We stopped at a bar/restaurant to use the facilities.

    My girlfriend goes into the bar, and she’s in there for a while. I stayed outside and talked with the other guys we were with. She finally comes out and admits that she was talking to a couple of guys and had a shot of whiskey “to check market prices.” Seriously? I’m supposed to believe that she couldn’t have just asked the price?

    Later in the day, we stopped, just the two of us, at another bar/restaurant and had something to eat. After I settled the check, I decided to use the restroom. I leave the restroom, and she is nowhere to be seen, so I go outside and interrupt a conversation between her and some random guy on the deck by himself drinking. There was an immediate awkward pause on the guy’s part, and she blurts out “That’s his bike.” My tastes run to Harleys. which I have a couple of, and his bike was just another cheaper imitation race bike.

    Then on the way home she tells me how her niece has been trying to set up a girls’ night, including her at a local bar, kind of letting me know, presumably so she can say “I told you…” Clearly, I have a problem with this but I’m trying to keep an open mind. You know what they say: intimacy doesn’t begin in the bedroom. So, I know what I think I should do but I’m looking for an outsider’s perspective.

    — Being Taken for a Ride

    Dear Ride: Look, there may be something else going on here that I’m not seeing, but I think the message you need to take away from this gut check is not that your girlfriend is necessarily doing something inappropriate but that you’re not feeling secure about the relationship. This isn’t a personal failing; you’re allowed to feel the way you feel. But the response may be a different one than you’re thinking of.

    While you can end things, as you seem to be suggesting, consider first talking to her at a neutral time about the state of your relationship and what you think it might be lacking. Try to use “I” statements, like “I would like to be closer” or “I don’t feel like we’ve been in sync recently.” Then try to lay out what happened and how you felt about it without accusations. “You were talking to guys and ‘checking the market price’ of the whiskey, and that was confusing to me.” Ask her if she can see where you’re coming from and why it might make you feel less uncertain. But also listen to her response and see if you can see where she’s coming from.

    You don’t have to be OK with how things are going, but from the instances you’ve described, it may be less that she’s interested in other men and more that she’s interested in other drinks.

    Dear Eric: I just had my 93rd birthday, so have been on Medicare for some years. But I recently ran across something different. My newest doctor — a podiatrist — told me first that she would give me only token care since she got only a token payment. Then a second time she said I could pay her the difference and get full treatment. Is this right morally and legally?

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    R. Eric Thomas

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  • On Taylor Swift’s ‘The Life of a Showgirl,’ love and reputation are on the line

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    Taylor Swift’s new album is set to be released next month, and you could buy it right here in New Hampshire. Target says select stores across the US will open at midnight on Friday, October 3rd. That’s when you could be the first to get 3 Target exclusive CDs of the life of *** showgirl. The participating locations in New Hampshire are in Concord, Nashua, and Somersworth. You can bet there will be long lines for that.

    Who is Taylor Swift’s heir apparent? Her 12th album, “The Life of a Showgirl,” offers an answer. It’s Taylor Swift.Her last album, “The Tortured Poets Department,” ended with the cautionary “Clara Bow,” an allegory that seemed to suggest her tenure atop the cultural mainstream was inherited from stars of the past, like the namechecked Stevie Nicks — and that a new generation of younger, elastic female pop performers could soon take her place. In 2025, there are many to choose from: Consider Chappell Roan’s full-throated theatrics, Olivia Rodrigo’s fiery punk-pop feminism, Sabrina Carpenter’s cheeky sexuality. In the knotty themes of Friday’s “The Life of a Showgirl,” best illustrated in the title track, Swift asserts that the baton hasn’t been passed, but rather shared. Because she isn’t going anywhere.Video above: Taylor Swift album released “And all the headshots on the walls / Of the dance halls are of the b—— / Who wish I’d hurry up and die,” she sings with a wink, “But I’m immortal now, baby dolls / I couldn’t if I tried.” Notably, if she has a chosen successor in someone else, it’s the album’s sole feature: Carpenter, who sings on the stomp-clap closer in her newly adopted twang. The mournful glissando of lap steel — the album’s most country moment — arrives only with Carpenter’s introduction. The western genre is Swift’s past and Carpenter’s future.Suggestive bangers and a ‘New Heights’ namecheckIf Swift is co-signing Carpenter, she’s also learning from her. Carpenter has cornered the market on tight pop songs with pert, provocative messages; Swift does the same with the manspreading swagger of the George Michael-interpolating “Father Figure,” which mentions a protege, and the funky “Wood.” (A carefully veiled PG-13 lyric: “His love was the key / That opened my thighs,” she sings. “Girls, I don’t need to catch the bouquet / To know a hard rock is on the way.”) Interwoven are suggestive, sensual ad-libs … and a direct reference to fiance Travis Kelce’s podcast.Across a brisk 12 tracks — Swift’s tendency toward abundance doesn’t manifest itself in a double album this time around, but instead in her endless vinyl variants — “The Life of a Showgirl” mostly delivers on its promise of up-tempo pop “bangers,” to borrow her own vernacular. Fans need not wait up for the long-anticipated “Reputation (Taylor’s Version),” because “The Life of a Showgirl” pulls from its essence. But this time, with a lot of affection, like a truer “Lover” era.Swift has long internalized criticisms and responded to them in her art, most directly in 2017’s “Reputation.” Here, she is once again concerned with her perception, articulated over booming, lush production on “CANCELLED!” or “Elizabeth Taylor.” On the latter, she sings, “Hollywood hates me / You’re only as hot as your last hit, baby.” Except this time, her love acts as an anchor. “I can’t have fun if I can’t have you,” she flirts.Welcome (back) to SwedenFor “The Life of a Showgirl,” Swift enlisted Swedish producers Max Martin and Shellback, the hitmaking duo she collaborated with on 2012’s “Red,” 2014’s “1989” and, of course, “Reputation.” Notably absent is her frequent producing partner Jack Antonoff. It’s a wise decision: In years past, Swift, Shellback and Martin’s pop experiments shifted not only her career trajectory but the genre itself. Before “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together,” an EDM drop in the middle of a radio pop hit was unimaginable. After, the style would dominate for half the decade.“The Life of a Showgirl” isn’t as seismic, but there are addictive and idiosyncratic Swiftisms here: acerbic wit and thick literary references in glassy pop hooks. Where a song like “Opalite,” if attempted by another other performer, would lose its weightlessness under its voluble aspirations, Swift manages to swoon. Stacked, opalescent harmonies and a vintage swing give the song, fittingly, an almost iridescent quality.Video below: 95-year-old local retirement home resident starts his own Taylor Swift fan clubAnd there are bops, like the undeniable opener “The Fate of Ophelia” with its 1980s-via-Robyn synth-pop and momentary “Summertime Sadness” vocal delivery.There’s a treasure trove of deliciously quotable lines, too, as expected. “Please God bring me a best friend who I think is hot,” she manages to make effortless in the “Midnights”-esque “Wi$h Li$t,” a lovely song about the mundanity of romance and the suburban fantasy of “a couple kids … a driveway with a basketball hoop.”The dictionary of a showgirlSwift’s dense vocabulary is on full display, often full of charm. But it is sometimes unwieldy, a common criticism of “The Tortured Poets Department,” like when she overstuffs “Our thoughtless ambition sparked the ignition on foolish decisions which led to misguided visions” into “Father Figure,” momentarily overvaluing clever writing over clever cadence.Or she is too modish. The colloquial “Eldest Daughter,” for example, mentions “trolling,” “memes” and “comments,” immediately dating itself. But sonically, it is a thoughtful acoustic ballad with emo movement, in which Swift contends with her “terminal uniqueness” and deep dedication to a loved one. It juxtaposes nicely with something like the casually cruel, pop-punk affected “Actually Romantic.” It’s hard not to hear some brief Hayley Williams in the distorted speakerphone vocals in the song’s coda or boygenius in its harmonies: another example of Swift pulling from those she’s influenced — and enlisted on her tours. Swift has said “The Life of a Showgirl” is meant to embody her “Eras Tour” — a singular global phenomenon, a canonical event in the history of pop performance that, in its over three-hour runtime, was a sensory explosion. On these 12 tracks, she’s approximating glitz and glamour with humanity and humor. She spends no time waiting in the wings. So let the show begin.

    Who is Taylor Swift’s heir apparent? Her 12th album, “The Life of a Showgirl,” offers an answer. It’s Taylor Swift.

    Her last album, “The Tortured Poets Department,” ended with the cautionary “Clara Bow,” an allegory that seemed to suggest her tenure atop the cultural mainstream was inherited from stars of the past, like the namechecked Stevie Nicks — and that a new generation of younger, elastic female pop performers could soon take her place. In 2025, there are many to choose from: Consider Chappell Roan’s full-throated theatrics, Olivia Rodrigo’s fiery punk-pop feminism, Sabrina Carpenter’s cheeky sexuality. In the knotty themes of Friday’s “The Life of a Showgirl,” best illustrated in the title track, Swift asserts that the baton hasn’t been passed, but rather shared. Because she isn’t going anywhere.

    Video above: Taylor Swift album released

    “And all the headshots on the walls / Of the dance halls are of the b—— / Who wish I’d hurry up and die,” she sings with a wink, “But I’m immortal now, baby dolls / I couldn’t if I tried.” Notably, if she has a chosen successor in someone else, it’s the album’s sole feature: Carpenter, who sings on the stomp-clap closer in her newly adopted twang. The mournful glissando of lap steel — the album’s most country moment — arrives only with Carpenter’s introduction. The western genre is Swift’s past and Carpenter’s future.

    Suggestive bangers and a ‘New Heights’ namecheck

    If Swift is co-signing Carpenter, she’s also learning from her. Carpenter has cornered the market on tight pop songs with pert, provocative messages; Swift does the same with the manspreading swagger of the George Michael-interpolating “Father Figure,” which mentions a protege, and the funky “Wood.” (A carefully veiled PG-13 lyric: “His love was the key / That opened my thighs,” she sings. “Girls, I don’t need to catch the bouquet / To know a hard rock is on the way.”) Interwoven are suggestive, sensual ad-libs … and a direct reference to fiance Travis Kelce’s podcast.

    Republic Records via AP

    This album cover image released by Republic Records shows “The Life of a Showgirl” by Taylor Swift.

    Across a brisk 12 tracks — Swift’s tendency toward abundance doesn’t manifest itself in a double album this time around, but instead in her endless vinyl variants — “The Life of a Showgirl” mostly delivers on its promise of up-tempo pop “bangers,” to borrow her own vernacular. Fans need not wait up for the long-anticipated “Reputation (Taylor’s Version),” because “The Life of a Showgirl” pulls from its essence. But this time, with a lot of affection, like a truer “Lover” era.

    Swift has long internalized criticisms and responded to them in her art, most directly in 2017’s “Reputation.” Here, she is once again concerned with her perception, articulated over booming, lush production on “CANCELLED!” or “Elizabeth Taylor.” On the latter, she sings, “Hollywood hates me / You’re only as hot as your last hit, baby.” Except this time, her love acts as an anchor. “I can’t have fun if I can’t have you,” she flirts.

    Welcome (back) to Sweden

    For “The Life of a Showgirl,” Swift enlisted Swedish producers Max Martin and Shellback, the hitmaking duo she collaborated with on 2012’s “Red,” 2014’s “1989” and, of course, “Reputation.” Notably absent is her frequent producing partner Jack Antonoff. It’s a wise decision: In years past, Swift, Shellback and Martin’s pop experiments shifted not only her career trajectory but the genre itself. Before “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together,” an EDM drop in the middle of a radio pop hit was unimaginable. After, the style would dominate for half the decade.

    “The Life of a Showgirl” isn’t as seismic, but there are addictive and idiosyncratic Swiftisms here: acerbic wit and thick literary references in glassy pop hooks. Where a song like “Opalite,” if attempted by another other performer, would lose its weightlessness under its voluble aspirations, Swift manages to swoon. Stacked, opalescent harmonies and a vintage swing give the song, fittingly, an almost iridescent quality.

    Video below: 95-year-old local retirement home resident starts his own Taylor Swift fan club

    And there are bops, like the undeniable opener “The Fate of Ophelia” with its 1980s-via-Robyn synth-pop and momentary “Summertime Sadness” vocal delivery.

    There’s a treasure trove of deliciously quotable lines, too, as expected. “Please God bring me a best friend who I think is hot,” she manages to make effortless in the “Midnights”-esque “Wi$h Li$t,” a lovely song about the mundanity of romance and the suburban fantasy of “a couple kids … a driveway with a basketball hoop.”

    The dictionary of a showgirl

    Swift’s dense vocabulary is on full display, often full of charm. But it is sometimes unwieldy, a common criticism of “The Tortured Poets Department,” like when she overstuffs “Our thoughtless ambition sparked the ignition on foolish decisions which led to misguided visions” into “Father Figure,” momentarily overvaluing clever writing over clever cadence.

    Or she is too modish. The colloquial “Eldest Daughter,” for example, mentions “trolling,” “memes” and “comments,” immediately dating itself. But sonically, it is a thoughtful acoustic ballad with emo movement, in which Swift contends with her “terminal uniqueness” and deep dedication to a loved one. It juxtaposes nicely with something like the casually cruel, pop-punk affected “Actually Romantic.” It’s hard not to hear some brief Hayley Williams in the distorted speakerphone vocals in the song’s coda or boygenius in its harmonies: another example of Swift pulling from those she’s influenced — and enlisted on her tours.

    Swift has said “The Life of a Showgirl” is meant to embody her “Eras Tour” — a singular global phenomenon, a canonical event in the history of pop performance that, in its over three-hour runtime, was a sensory explosion. On these 12 tracks, she’s approximating glitz and glamour with humanity and humor. She spends no time waiting in the wings. So let the show begin.

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  • Brighten Your Day With Some Wholesome Happy

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    Hendy

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  • Commentary: From a Catholic school alum, a response to President Trump’s call to prayer

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    As a young lad growing up in the San Francisco Bay Area town of Pittsburg, my school uniform consisted of corduroys the color of Ash Wednesday, a white dress shirt and a maroon V-neck sweater. I walked west from my family’s apartment on 10th Street, turned left on Montezuma, and arrived about 15 minutes later at the campus of St. Peter Martyr.

    My teachers were nuns, the parish priests were Dominicans, and Sunday mass was a celebration of faith, humility and grace.

    I am not without sin. I’m an imperfect man and the church is an imperfect institution.

    But I’ve been wondering lately what my favorite St. Peter Martyr teachers — Sisters Roberta, Eileen and Estelle — would make of today’s political discourse, in which claims of piety and Christian faith are not always backed by words and deeds, particularly from a certain world leader.

    I think if they were teaching today, the nuns would tell everyone in class to get out their pencils and notebooks and write a letter to the president.

    So here goes.

    Dear President Trump:

    Ever hear of St. Peter Martyr School?

    Probably not, but I’m an alum. The school was named after St. Peter of Verona, who campaigned against heresy and paid the price when one of the Cathars sunk an ax into his skull (what a way to go). So I guess politics haven’t really changed much over the centuries.

    By the way, nice job recently on your presentation at the National Bible Museum, where you launched the “America Prays” initiative to celebrate spirituality and restore “our identity as one nation under God.” And congratulations on your missionary work. I see that you raked in $1.3 million on your “God Bless the USA Bible.”

    Love that you said: “To have a great nation, you have to have religion. I believe that so strongly. There has to be something after we go through all of this — and that something is God.”

    Well put, Mr. President, and unsurprising, given that you once called the Bible your favorite book. But I know that in my own life, I need to flip back through the pages on occasion to ground myself in the teachings.

    So here’s an idea:

    I’ll share a Bible verse, and then I’ll follow it with a recent quote from you. Not that I’m judging, or anything. But we might all benefit spiritually by asking whether, in our own lives, God would approve of how we conduct ourselves.

    Are you ready?

    Corinthians 12: “Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude.”

    Trump: “You know, Biden was always a mean guy, but he was never a smart guy. … You go back 30 years ago, 40 years ago, he was a stupid guy, but he was always a mean son of a bitch.”

    Essay Topic: An obsessive need to demean and diminish others is explained by some behavioral therapists as a sign of insecurity, weakness, or an unhappy childhood. Write 500 words, in cursive, on how any of this might apply to you.

    Genesis 2:15: “The Lord God took the man and put him in the garden of Eden to work it and keep it.”

    Trump: “This climate change, it’s the greatest con job ever perpetrated on the world in my opinion … all of these predictions made by the United Nations and many others, often for bad reasons, were wrong, they were made by stupid people. … If you don’t get away from this green scam, your country’s going to fail.”

    Essay Topic: Despite the growing horror of melting icecaps, deadly storms, disappearing coasts and widespread famine, if the Garden of Eden were a national forest, would you lay off Adam or Eve, or both of them, and would anything prevent you from opening the property to drilling?

    John 3:17: “But if anyone has the world’s goods and sees his brother in need, yet closes his heart against him, how does God’s love abide in him?”

    Trump: “It’s time to end the failed experiment of open borders. You have to end it now. It’s — I can tell you. I’m really good at this stuff. Your countries are going to hell.”

    Essay Topic: Given that we probably shouldn’t, as mere mortals, assume divine powers, is condemning someone to hell — or entire countries, in this case — an act of blasphemy?

    Leviticus 19: “The foreigner residing among you must be treated as your native-born. Love them as yourself, for you were foreigners in Egypt.”

    Trump: “They’re eating the dogs, the people that came in, they’re eating the cats. They’re eating the pets of the people that live there, and this is what’s happening in our country, and it’s a shame.”

    Essay Topic: You once said immigrants are “poisoning the blood of our country,” and yet your late mother and two of your three wives were immigrants. Were you ever tempted to have any, or all three of them deported, and if so, in which order?

    Psalm 103: “The Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love.”

    Trump: “Happy Memorial Day to all, including the scum that spent the last four years trying to destroy our country.”

    Essay Topic: Given that Jesus would not likely have called half the population of the United States scum, and that he probably would have protested ICE raids at Home Depots, would you say the son of God was a member of the extreme radical left?

    Matthew 5: “You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be children of your Father in heaven.”

    Trump: “I hate my opponent and I don’t want what’s best for them. … I can’t stand my opponent.”

    Essay Topic: Which saying do you find the most offensive and probably created by the radical left — turn the other cheek, or treat others as you would have them treat you?

    Bonus points: At what age did you begin pulling the wings off of butterflies, and which, if any, of the 10 Commandments have you not broken?

    Matthew 23: “Whoever exalts himself will be humbled, and whoever humbles himself will be exalted.”

    Trump: “I was saved by God to make America great again.”

    Mr. President, you recently said, “I want to try and get to heaven, if possible.”

    Hallellujah and amen to that. And yes, it is possible.

    But first you must write and recite, 1,000 times, the Act of Contrition. (It’s the prayer that ends with: “I firmly resolve, with the help of Thy grace, to sin no more and to avoid the near occasion of sin. Amen.”)

    Sisters Roberta, Eileen and Estelle will be waiting for you at the Pearly Gates. And trust me — they will know if you’ve done your homework.

    steve.lopez@latimes.com

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    Steve Lopez

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  • Asking Eric: After missed birthday party, friend stops calling

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    Dear Eric: I’ve been friends with a girl for at least 10 years. Recently she had a birthday and our circle of friends planned on going to a local bar to celebrate. I decided not to attend because I wasn’t able to afford a $10 cover charge. I told her that and she seemed to be OK with it.

    But then I noticed that I wasn’t hearing from her like I usually did. I asked another friend, and they said they were under the impression that she was upset and disappointed with me because I didn’t go out for her birthday, so I sent her a text apologizing and saying that I really couldn’t afford it and that I live from paycheck to paycheck and I thought she’d understand.

    She responded by saying she understood because she lives from paycheck to paycheck and also that she considered me a close friend and that she was upset and disappointed I didn’t then come out for her birthday and she went on to say that if it hadn’t been on her actual birthday she wouldn’t have minded as much, which never made any sense to me.

    She also said she needed time and that she should eventually get over it. Well, it’s been three months, and I haven’t heard anything. I feel like texting her again to say if she doesn’t consider us friends anymore then I would like to know because I have some stuff, she asked me to keep at my house, and I would give it back.

    I told two of my other friends and they feel she’s being childish about the whole thing. What are your thoughts?

    — Weary Friend

    Dear Friend: She’s being more than childish; her response is unfair and uncaring. She’s allowed to make whatever plans she wants for her birthday — and everyone deserves to feel special — but she’s also an adult and adults understand that sometimes we can’t afford to do things we want to do. Adults also understand that special occasions can happen anytime. After the age of, say 16, missing a birthday party is not a reason to sever a friendship.

    If she’s not serious about wanting to rebuild this friendship, then returning the items you’re holding for her and wishing her well is the best option.

    Dear Eric: My younger brother (54 yrs) is a chronic alcoholic. He’s now developed Cirrhosis and he has little time left.

    I’m his older sister, who realized more than 30 years ago that binge drinking and alcoholism seemed to affect us siblings, so I stopped, completely.

    I never got on his case about his drinking, but we drifted apart due to his excessive drinking and the erratic behavior it brought out.

    Sadly, this diagnosis is what has brought us back together. I call him weekly, talk about funny stories from the past and try to keep his spirits up.

    We lost a sister years ago, when she was 7 years old, to a childhood illness. My parents were devastated as it was sudden and unexpected. My mother is gone, but my father, still going strong in his 90s, is still with us.

    My father lives too far away to visit my brother and they only rarely talk on the phone. There are four adult children in our family.

    There is a disagreement as to whether we should tell my father. I believe that a parent has the right to know. They have been through more than their adult children give them credit for and should be able to say goodbye. Others are saying we shouldn’t say anything because “it could kill dad.”

    There is no question my brother will pass before my father. Do you think a parent should be told that their child is sick and passing?

    — Sad Sister

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    R. Eric Thomas

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  • Asking Eric: New husband wants to go on vacation without his wife

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    Dear Eric: I’m a newly married 69-year-old woman who was previously a widow after 43 years of marriage. My present husband and I have been married for a little over a year. We dated in high school and coincidentally ended up together.

    Prior to getting married, my husband didn’t ever mention he wanted to go on an African Safari with his adult son and now it has come up frequently. I have made it clear it upsets me that he wants to do this, travel without me, and made it clear I am not paying for this adventure of his. Why would I not be included? But I would never desire to go on an African Safari either.

    I don’t understand it, this wanting to be away from me for that long. It hurts me deeply that they didn’t do this stuff all those years when he was single. Now he’s retired so possibly that’s why his son has come up with this idea. His son barely comes around as he struggles with anxiety.

    I do not know how to handle this. It tears me apart to think this man I’ve fallen in love with thinks nothing of being away from me for so long. I married this man to be a couple through thick and thin.

    Please help me come to grips with all of this. Am I being unreasonable and unfair?

    — Left At Home

    Dear Left: Let’s look at this from your husband’s point-of-view — he’s recently retired, so he finally has more time for bucket list items. He’s also newly married, so it’s likely that his free time is less available for events with his son than it might have been before you were together. It makes sense, then, that they’d want to do this once-in-a-lifetime trip together. I would strongly encourage you to celebrate this with him, instead of begrudging it. In short, it is unfair to hold this trip against him.

    Be happy for your husband but don’t beat yourself up too much. Transitioning to this new relationship after a 43-year marriage is going to take some adjustment. You love each other, but you’re also still learning about each other.

    But, for the health of your relationship, it will be important for you to remember that both you and your husband have full lives. While you’re committed to building a life together, there are going to be things that each of you does on your own.

    This safari trip is not about you; it isn’t an example of your husband abandoning you. Try to see it for what it is — a rare opportunity for him to pursue a dream and a chance for you, back home, to find something that brings you joy, as well. When you’re reunited, you can tell each other what you’ve learned and discovered.

    Dear Eric: I met an interesting man recently and agreed to a date, and within a few minutes of the start of it we realized we had grown up in the same town and already knew each other. I was younger by a couple of years, and we didn’t know each other well, but we shared an extended friend group. I have a vivid memory of being in the back of his truck when he intentionally hurt an animal while driving. He did not express any remorse, quite the opposite.

    He wouldn’t pull over and I became physically ill. That image has stayed in my mind.

    He says he’s a different person now, nearly 15 years later. I’m having a hard time even thinking about getting past it. Should I even try? Can a 17-year-old horrible person turn into a 31-year-old person with integrity and empathy? Should I try to get over this image that was seared into my 15-year-old brain?

    — Old Habits

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    R. Eric Thomas

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  • Asking Eric: Widowed mother-in-law wants to bring new beau for holidays

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    Dear Eric: My mother-in-law, Dana, 79, was married for 51 years before her husband passed six years ago.

    She still visits us frequently. When she does, she stays at either our house or one of my husband’s sister’s homes.

    Within the last six months, my MIL began dating another senior gentleman, Peter. Apparently, Dana and Peter knew each other in high school and recently reconnected.

    As of this writing, only the two sisters have met Peter. Now there is discussion of the Thanksgiving holiday. Dana would like to bring Peter to meet the rest of the family, and she’s upset because there are conflicting opinions on where she and Peter should stay.

    I told my husband I would not feel comfortable hosting my MIL and her boyfriend in our home over the holiday weekend. We only have one guest room. Equally, I think my sisters-in-law feel the same. My nephew said he does not like the idea of someone, not his grandfather, staying in their home at all, especially a holiday break. Again, I’m not in disagreement.

    Meanwhile, Dana is upset because she feels no one is giving Peter a chance. I suggested that Dana and Peter stay at a hotel, but Dana feels that we should be more accommodating to her and Peter, especially since they will be traveling to our area via train and neither will have local transportation. I feel it’s a lot to ask to include someone else who is essentially a stranger to us in our homes. I’m sure Peter is a nice man, and my MIL enjoys his company, but am I, or my sisters-in-law, being unreasonable?

    — Crowded House

    Dear House: Your home, your rules, your comfort level. However, it would be helpful for everyone involved to consider Dana’s position here, as well. Six years after going through the grief and disruption of her husband’s death, she’s found new companionship, which can be wonderful but also has its own challenges. This is new territory for her as well as for you. There are bound to be some hiccups.

    Much of the letter was focused on Peter being a stranger. And I acknowledge that is a hurdle, maybe an insurmountable one. But I wonder if Peter is really who everyone is thinking about here, or if this is more about holding a space for Dana’s first husband. Peter’s presence doesn’t displace Dana’s first husband in the family structure, nor — I presume — in her heart. She has to understand that everyone grieves and adjusts in their own way. But everyone else has to understand that Dana is still alive and this relationship is part of her life now.

    If the unmarried grandchildren in your family aren’t allowed to bring home significant others to stay in the same room, then explain to Dana that this policy has to be universally applied. However, if that’s not the case, don’t make her the victim of a double standard. See if there’s a time between now and Thanksgiving that she can bring Peter down to meet you casually. That will make him less of a stranger.

    Dear Eric: When my dad passed away, with my mother already gone, it took my brother seven years to settle his estate.

    He was living in dad’s house and not in any hurry. I spoke to him several times trying to encourage him to get it done. But nothing worked. So, I finally got a lawyer’s help. It worked and now he will not talk to me. Was I wrong in thinking it took too long?

    — Estate Dilemma

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    R. Eric Thomas

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  • Asking Eric: Single mom wants to start relationship with handyman

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    Dear Eric: I’m a 40-year-old single mom of twin 5-year-olds. I’m a professional woman, but due to my commitments to my children and the overall daily grind, I have little to no time for socialization and dating.

    However, I need occasional help around the house, and my cousin (let’s call her Jen) was kind enough to refer me to her handyman. He’s helped me with several projects over the last year, and I sense a mutual physical attraction.

    I am aware that my cousin had a sexual relationship with this man at some point long ago, but it was never serious, and she is currently in a new relationship and very much in love. Would I be awful to pursue this new friend? I am lonely and find very few opportunities to meet new people with my time constraints. I could really benefit from some fun.

    — Lonely in NYC

    Dear Lonely in NYC: Awful? No. If you’re worrying about betraying your cousin, she can’t (and doesn’t seem to want to) lay claim to every former paramour. But there are a lot of intertwined relationships here, so I would tread more carefully than if the handyman was just a casual acquaintance.

    First, there’s the fact that he’s working for you, specifically in your home. If you were to pursue a relationship with him, I’d first find another handyman and be clear with him about why.

    But you’re both adults and any adult entering into a romantic or sexual relationship should be communicative about boundaries, pitfalls and needs. So, you and he should have an adult conversation before going any further. What are your needs, what are his, what are the concerns, where do things get hazy? Is what you want — something that fits into your life and schedule — what he wants?

    It sounds like your ideal situation right now is something simple. And even though he’s attracted to you and already in your home sometimes, I don’t know that this is as simple as it seems. If this was a Hallmark movie — call it “Mr. Fix-It,” perhaps — the courtship would be sealed by a series of glances and a sudden rainstorm. But life is not a Hallmark movie. No offense to Hallmark movies, we’re better for it because we get to talk things out and avoid confusion. No rainstorms needed.

    Dear Eric: My sister and her husband visit my area at least once a year. They presume they’re going to stay at my home with each visit. In turn, she expects my husband and I to visit her while we travel through her area.

    I can no longer do this.

    She’s a loud, chaotic and competitive narcissist, who I cringe being around. Her noise battery never runs out and the thin ice on our relationship is ready to crack.

    It’s taken me a lifetime to work through the scars created by her insecure, never wrong, center stage, toxic ego and I’m living my life no longer behind her.

    I’ve quietly and repeatedly tried to help, for I know she struggles with herself, but my attempts are fruitless.

    For my own sanity, I won’t host her here any longer, or visit, but I don’t know how to approach this without her having one of her typical major meltdowns. I value your thoughts.

    — Love Her But Dislike Her

    Dear Love Her: A guest can’t simply put in a reservation for your house without your say. So, you can avoid her visits by making yourself and your home unavailable the next time. Tell her you don’t have the capacity to host, or you’ll be out of town, or you just can’t make it work.

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    R. Eric Thomas

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  • Asking Eric: Son’s new girlfriend has a rude way of joking

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    Dear Eric: My son is 35 and his new girlfriend of three months is 32. They’re both very smart. They are both very well educated. She’s funny. She’s smart. I really enjoy my time with her except for when she falls into these pits where she talks about him like he’s not there and puts him down. She says things like “Well, I told your son to do this and, of course, he didn’t” or “I told him this he didn’t think that was right and, of course, I was right, and he was wrong.” He laughs it off, she laughs it off, and I change the subject and laugh it off.

    But it’s not funny to me. I have my own experience of living with a manipulative person who started small and grew, too. Basically, controlling my whole life.

    She really likes me and aside from this I like her as well.

    I don’t want to overstep my bounds at all. What should I do? I’m just uncomfortable with it and I don’t know what to do.

    — Uncomfortable Mom

    Dear Mom: As it’s only been three months, your son and his girlfriend are still learning their relationship, and you’re still learning your relationship with his girlfriend. So, this is a great time to define a boundary for yourself and incorporate it into how you and the girlfriend interact.

    Because she’s directing her comments to you, it’s not overstepping to tell her “This isn’t a way I like to be spoken to about my son. Let’s find a different way of talking.” It can be gentle but firm. It need not create conflict. She may come from a family that needles or teases. She may have seen relationships where this behavior was modeled. That doesn’t mean that it has to stand, especially with you.

    It’s up to your son and his girlfriend to define how they want to communicate with each other, but you’ll be setting a good example for both of them if you clearly communicate to her what you’re hearing and what might be getting in the way of more closeness. She may think she’s joking, but she’s misreading her audience, and you should tell her that.

    Dear Eric: My mother is 90. Years ago, I moved 800 miles away for college. Since then, I have visited my hometown at least once a year. I am now 63.

    We talk on the phone weekly or biweekly. My parents are divorced. I have no relationship with my father.

    My mom has always favored my brothers financially. One brother for at least $100,000 over the years, the other somewhat less but still substantial — new cars, medical bills and other things.

    I am proud that I pay my own way. But the inequity hurts me.

    When I tell my mom I am hurt, she just looks at me and says I would do the same for my son. Well, after the recent death of my brother my mom needs to update her will. She just told me she is thinking about leaving everything, around $500,000, to my niece.

    I am so hurt. The reason she wants to cut me out of her will? I don’t need the money. Again, I am left feeling less than. And I find it is more than I can deal with. I am fighting tears constantly, feel unloved, like the afterthought, marginalized. And just so darn hurt.

    I want to go no-contact. She has shown me many times over the years I am last. How do I cut her out of my life at this point? How do I forgive, again? How do I move on, again?

    — Hurt Daughter

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    R. Eric Thomas

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  • Asking Eric: Friend breaks off contact after her husband’s death

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    Dear Eric: “Sue” and I have been neighbors and friends for more than 50 years. She and her husband are godparents to one of our children, we are members of social groups together, like book club and bridge group. We have shared many occasions together, at the holidays and with our families.

    A couple of years ago her husband (and our friend) died after a short illness. After the funeral, I called her many times, let her talk and asked her out for lunch. She was always “busy” with appointments or “kids coming” so we never got together. In the meantime, she has told me about her “wonderful neighbors” and that they “are just like family.” It is very hurtful and puzzling.

    I don’t know how to feel or what to think about this. We have had her over to our house a couple of times. Things went well until it was time to leave. She told me I don’t know what it is like and wouldn’t until my husband dies. She never calls me, so I have given up on that, too.

    I know everyone deals with grief differently. But what should I do when I have been “ghosted” by a long-time friend? (I see this person at social events like book club, bridge and at church.) Do I just go on and hope that she will “come out of it”? (Frankly, I’m not sure I like her much now.) Or have I lost a long-time friend?

    — Hurt Friend

    Dear Friend: One of the things that makes this so hard is that both you and Sue are hurting but you’re hurting in different ways and for different reasons. Those differences have made it difficult for you to align, but it’s not impossible. It sounds like, when Sue told you that you don’t know what it’s like, she was attempting to communicate something very complex. And while it may not have seemed like it at the time, I think it was her attempt to let you in.

    When some people lose a spouse, or a parent, or a child, the world gets split into two segments: those who have been through it and know what the pain is like. And those who don’t. Grief is isolating and it’s ever-changing, and it’s all-encompassing sometimes. So, this sorting can be an act of self-preservation — a way of making sense of a world where all the rules have changed.

    You can have sympathy, you can show her love, you can show up in a myriad of ways, but right now there are aspects of your life that trigger her or are hard to navigate. So, I want to strongly encourage you not to write her off. I know you’ve reached out repeatedly; please don’t take it personally that she needs this distance. Your friendship has changed, just like every other relationship in her life. But that change is not an ending. If you continue to be present, friendly, and loving in those small social interactions, the bedrock of your relationship will remain intact and you may be able to build something new, a relationship that’s shaped around the people you both are now.

    Dear Eric: I’m responding to your reader “Raising Voices”. Raising Voices had two friends who refused to wear hearing aids and RV was frustrated trying to talk with them. You were right in your advice to RV to tactfully encourage them to see an audiologist because hearing loss can lead to dementia as well as a greatly diminished quality of life.

    As someone who has worn hearing aids for 15 years and got them in my early 40s, I would like to also add that, when people ask you to repeat yourself, please don’t say the same exact words only louder — it’s frustrating for both the speaker and the listener.

    Oftentimes, it’s certain sounds in words, like the S and F sounds, that are difficult to distinguish and make understanding difficult. If someone asks you to repeat yourself, use different words that mean the same thing. My husband sometimes yells at me, and I still can’t understand him, even with hearing aids (and he should know better since I’ve had hearing loss since I’ve known him, but that’s another story).

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    R. Eric Thomas

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  • Wholesome Happiness? Yes Please! (25 Photos)

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    Hendy

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  • Asking Eric: New supervisor experiences workplace revolt

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    Dear Eric: I started a new job a year ago. I took over as a supervisor at a municipal agency and from an individual who was retiring and who is a friend of mine.

    The position that I took over for had a number of employees who were retired and had part-time jobs. They were very loyal to him, and he let them do what they wanted as long as it got done. There was no structure at the workplace.

    I tried to implement small things while starting out and, each time, I would get the response that that’s not how we have done it before.

    I didn’t want to make it like it was my way only, but things needed to change. If I complained to my supervisors, then they would think I was doing the complaining and that I could not get along with anyone. They wouldn’t listen to me at all.

    It’s to the point where every time I walk in the door and ask to get something done, the employees do the exact opposite. It’s embarrassing to work there. I have no support on either end. I enjoy the job, but my staff does not respect me.

    I am at a loss for what I should do. I don’t know who is in charge there because I don’t feel like I am.

    Do you have any suggestions or ideas about what I can do?

    — Disrespected Supervisor

    Dear Supervisor: It can be very difficult to inherit someone else’s workplace culture. And, when you’re in a supervisory role, a lot of the negotiation becomes about what you need to adjust to and what you need to change. That’s a dance that goes on for a while. Respect from the employees you supervise is important here and I don’t want to dismiss that, but it’s also crucial to think about the expectations that are being placed on you, the expectations that you’re placing on yourself and the expectations you have for the workplace.

    To that end, see if you can get clarity from your supervisors about what success looks like for you, how they measure it and what systems are in place to encourage growth. These systems may not exist — many workplaces are imperfect. But this information could help you to modify your expectations of yourself and, in turn, take some of the frustration out of the working relationships you have with the employees you supervise.

    You also might want to talk to your friend. He created this imperfect system and, while you clearly don’t want to perpetuate it, he might be able to give insight or cheat codes. Ask him, “how do I deal with these people?”

    Shifting a culture is more akin to turning a cruise ship than a speed boat. Smaller steps are going to be necessary and the first should be finding one thing about your job performance that you feel good about and pouring your energy into that.

    Dear Eric: My best friend and I, both females and in our 60s, used to do everything together. Last year, she met a nice man and after a brief courtship, they married. I even performed the wedding ceremony.

    Now, we barely see each other, and maybe text or call once a week, if that.

    I knew and understood that our friendship was going to change once she married and I expected that, but I never thought it would be so drastic. Her husband gets upset if she wants “girl time” with me and even other friends. I feel really hurt and discarded. I’m not sure if I should talk to her about it or leave it be. I don’t want to cause a rift between us or make it awkward.

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    R. Eric Thomas

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  • They snagged an L.A. dream rental with parking and nice neighbors — then made it better

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    When Natalie Babcock and Samuel Gibson found a listing for a sunny apartment in Beachwood Canyon five years ago, they immediately fell for the two bedroom’s charming built-in bookshelves, faux fireplace, hardwood floors and formal dining room. Practical amenities such as an in-unit laundry and a garage, which are often elusive in Los Angeles rentals, didn’t hurt.

    In this series, we spotlight L.A. rentals with style. From perfect gallery walls to temporary decor hacks, these renters get creative, even in small spaces. And Angelenos need the inspiration: Most are renters.

    Today, however, the couple says they are most impressed by the sense of belonging they have found in the community just outside their 1928 Spanish fourplex. Here, where tourists and brides in wedding gowns often pose for photographs in the middle of the street in an effort to capture the Hollywood sign in the background, Babcock and Gibson have become part of a larger family. “Everyone knows our dogs’ names,” says Babcock, a 35-year-old educator working in the adolescent mental health field. “There is a true community vibe in this neighborhood.”

    Adds Gibson, a 38-year-old screenwriter and Spanish professor and tutor from London: “I’ve never lived in a place that felt like a neighborhood. We’re in a message group with our neighbors. Sometimes our dog walks take forever because we stop every few minutes to say hello to someone.”

    The couple was living in a charming apartment in Los Feliz when Gibson had to return to England to care for his mother, who had pancreatic cancer. Compounding their distress, Babcock’s father suffered a stroke, and Babcock moved in with her parents to help her sister, Eve, care for their father.

    “It was the worst year of our lives,” Babcock recalls of that period. “Sam’s mother died, and my father had a catastrophic stroke.”

    Their Los Feliz apartment was filled with bad memories, and they were excited by the prospect of creating happier memories in a new apartment.

    A man sits at his desk in an art-filled bedroom.

    Gibson’s office is decorated with artworks by local artists including his sister and one found on the street.

    After scouring countless rentals online, the couple found a listing for the Hollywood apartment on Zillow, only to encounter what they now describe as “a feeding frenzy” when they arrived at the open house. The apartment, they say, was priced too low at $2,995 compared with similar units, and they were faced with fierce competition.

    So they decided to do what many people do when trying to persuade sellers to choose them to buy their house. They wrote a letter about themselves, included photos and sent it to their potential new landlord.

    “Eve and I were in a panic because the apartment was so beautiful and we really wanted to live there,” says Babcock. “The three of us were an unconventional group, though, and we hoped they might choose us.”

    Samuel Gibson and wife Natalie Babcock sit at their dining room table.

    The couple enjoys having dinner parties in their dining room, which has a mix of chairs and benches.

    When they moved into the apartment in February 2020, they were thrilled, not realizing they would end up isolating there together during the COVID-19 pandemic. “The apartment was a welcome reset,” Babcock says, “It gave us plenty of time to nest and decorate.”

    A year later, Eve moved out, and Gibson converted her bedroom into an art-filled office that now doubles as a guest room when family and friends visit. The key to a comfortable — and flexible — guest bed, they say, is a durable mattress topper from IKEA, which they store in the garage and carry into the apartment when they have overnight guests. “Blow-up mattresses always deflate,” Babcock says of their choice. “This is a better option.”

    The couple’s taste is vibrant, and the colorful interiors reflect their sense of fun and love of design. They painted one wall in Samuel’s office a dramatic Kelly green, which makes the white-trimmed windows and his extensive art collection pop. Behind their bed in their bedroom, they painted an accent wall a charcoal hue, which gives the bedroom a peaceful feel.

    Pictures of family and friends decorate the refrigerator.

    Pictures of family and friends decorate the refrigerator.

    A small dining table in a corner of a kitchen.
    Decorative tiles and spices in a kitchen.

    Decorative tiles and sunshine illuminate the kitchen.

    “Paint is your friend,” Babcock says. “Be bold in your color choices, and when it comes to DIY and landlords, ask for forgiveness, not permission.”

    A glance around the apartment confirms not just their love of art but also the personal stories behind each piece: framed prints in the kitchen, black-and-white photographs in the dining room, large-scale oil paintings in the living room and hallway, and mixed-media pieces in the office, including works from local artists, EBay, Gibson’s sister and even one found on the street.

    Mixed in with the artwork is an abundance of lush houseplants, including Monstera deliciosa, a rubber tree and a ponytail palm, that is thriving thanks to the surplus of bright, indirect light that filters in through the large picture windows overlooking bustling Beachwood Drive.

    “Art is one thing that I am always happy to spend money on,” Gibson says.

    A white bed against a charcoal wall of a bedroom.
    A black pitbull stands on a white bed.

    In the bedroom, a charcoal-colored accent wall, vintage furnishings and art help to create an inviting retreat.

    A hallway filled with paintings

    A painting by Alexander Mayet hangs in the hallway.

    Last year, Gibson painted the kitchen walls blue and installed peel-and-stick floor tiles from WallPops over the dated yellow linoleum flooring, providing an inexpensive, albeit temporary, update. (One package of a dozen 6.2 x 6.2-inch sheets costs $17.99.)

    “It wasn’t the hardest project,” Gibson says, “but you do have to measure each tile to the centimeter because the apartment has moved slightly over the years, presumably from earthquakes.”

    Throughout the 1,200-square-foot apartment, the couple has decorated with vintage Midcentury furniture and thrifted furnishings and accessories sourced from Facebook Marketplace and Craigslist.

    “There’s something nice about scraping together designs,” says Gibson. “It’s like a puzzle where you have to patch different styles together.”

    Peaches the pitbull lounges on the sofa in the living room.

    Peaches lounges on the sofa in the living room.

    In the living room, the couple has furnished the space with an L-shaped Bensen sofa, which they purchased at a warehouse sale mentioned on Craigslist, comfortable yellow swivel chairs they picked up from the back of someone’s car in downtown L.A. and a pair of leather loungers they found on Facebook Marketplace.

    To accommodate their love of hosting formal dinner parties, they purchased a table that seats eight, which they found on Craigslist. “We found it in a grungy flat in Hollywood,” Gibson says.

    Admitting her husband “has become the primary household chef,” Babcock takes the lead when it comes to dinner parties and “goes all out.”

    Samuel Gibson and Natalie Babcock walk their dogs with the Hollywood sign in the background.

    “Sometimes our dog walks take forever because we stop every few minutes to say hello to someone,” says Gibson.

    “I grew up around the dining-room table,” says Babcock, a Los Angeles native who was raised in West Los Angeles.

    In the corner of their dining room, across from a thrifted wooden bar cart, they installed a stone cigar table inspired by their trip to Casa Luis Barragán in Mexico City. They purchased it from a designer who was living in a loft in downtown Los Angeles.

    Ultimately, some of their rental’s decor, such as having washable sofa covers, is influenced by their dogs Chili, whom they rescued as a puppy in 2020, and Peaches, their “foster fail,” whom they adopted in 2023 after a neighbor pulled her from a shelter the day she was scheduled to be euthanized.

    “We’ve made great friends here,” says Gibson. “From our apartment, we can walk the dogs in every direction. We can walk to the Hollywood Reservoir in the Hollywood Hills, to the caves in Bronson Canyon, to the Sunset Ranch stables at the top of Beachwood Drive, or to Griffith Park, which is a two-hour loop.”

    Chili gives Natalie Babcock a kiss in the living room.

    Chili gives Babcock a kiss in the living room.

    Do they ever dream of owning a home like other couples their age? “Yes, of course,” Gibson says. “But I think we would truly never leave this apartment unless we could buy a house with a yard. It’s like London, in that, having a yard is a luxury.”

    Babcock agrees, admitting that small things such as an outdoor space for the dogs or a second bathroom would be nice.

    But it would be a shame “to buy a house that’s not as nice as this,” Gibson says.

    In the meantime, they are happy in their Hollywood Hills home, which reflects their love of art and their deep affection for their sweet-natured four-legged friends and their neighborhood.

    “We joke that we will die here,” Babcock adds, laughing.

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    Lisa Boone

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  • New Survey Reveals Which U.S. States Have the Highest Dating Standards – and What Americans Want Most in a Partner

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    Love looks different in every state, but shared values, stability, and kindness top the list no matter where you live.


    NEW YORK, May 14, 2025 (Newswire.com)
    –
    A new nationwide survey from Ritani, a leading online jeweler specializing in engagement rings and fine jewelry, reveals how dating preferences differ across the United States – and which states have the most defined expectations when it comes to finding a partner.

    After surveying more than 2,400 adults from 48 states, Ritani’s team developed a Dating Standards Index to measure how particular residents are about their potential partners. The results show a fascinating glimpse into the modern dating mindset, from desired income levels to dealbreakers like tipping habits and sense of humor. Read more and see an infographic here: https://www.ritani.com/blogs/news/dating-standards-preferences-survey

    Top States with the Highest Dating Standards

    According to the data, Utah tops the list with the highest dating standards score, followed closely by California, New York, Maryland, and North Carolina. Respondents in these states reported being more selective about a wide range of partner qualities, from lifestyle alignment to long-term compatibility.

    “Utah’s ranking speaks to its strong emphasis on shared values, while residents in fast-paced states like California and New York appear to be more selective with how they spend their time,” said a spokesperson from Ritani.

    Conversely, South Carolina, Kentucky, North Dakota, Massachusetts, and West Virginia had the lowest scores, suggesting a more flexible or open approach to dating.

    What Americans Value Most in a Partner

    The study also uncovered national dating trends that highlight what matters most to people across the country:

    • Salary matters – but just barely: Americans prefer a partner who earns at least $50,184 annually, just above the national median wage.

    • Stability over flash: 46% of respondents say they prefer dating someone with a stable job, though 54% are flexible if work is inconsistent.

    • Education is not a dealbreaker: 8 in 10 are open to dating someone without a Bachelor’s degree.

    • Humor is everything: A whopping 79% say not having a sense of humor is a dealbreaker.

    • Fitness counts: 54% value physical fitness, but more for lifestyle compatibility than appearance.

    • Shared values matter: 70% say they wouldn’t date someone with very different political or social views.

    Other surprising dealbreakers include carrying significant debt (49%), not tipping well (47%), and lacking strong opinions (40%).

    Celebrating Love in All Its Forms

    “These results show that while preferences vary widely, the heart of modern dating is rooted in personality, shared values, and how someone shows up in the world,” the Ritani spokesperson added. “Whether you’re just starting to date or ready for something serious, finding someone who feels right is the most important standard of all.”

    As daters across the U.S. define what they want in a partner, Ritani continues to support love at every stage – from first sparks to proposals. When you’re ready for your next chapter, explore Ritani’s curated selection of engagement rings and fine jewelry designed to mark life’s most meaningful moments.

    Source: Ritani

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  • Embracing Heart-Led Living Amidst Divisive Influences

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    It is a significant task to tame our minds and connect with our hearts, especially amid external influences that divide and manipulate. As we navigate complex beliefs and divisive rhetoric, fostering unity and compassion becomes paramount for our shared humanity. Let’s step back from the chaos, find inner harmony, and strive to spread love and peace in our daily interactions.

    Heart-led living requires us to tune into the whispers of the heart and invite those messages to be amplified. Easier said than done, no doubt, especially when we’re inundated with thousands of messages everyday triggering us to do the exact opposite.

    To be clear, this isn’t about becoming ‘soft’ or weakened, or needing to hop onto the woowoo train. No. Leading and living from the heart invites us to tune in to the root of our confidence, where we are in complete alignment with our soul and becoming wildly strong.

    To tune into our hearts, we must first quiet our minds and reflect on our core beliefs, and distinguish between those rooted in love or fear, abundance or lack, unity or division. Failing to do so makes us susceptible to societal chaos and propaganda, disconnecting us from the source of universal love and reality.

    We cannot tune into our hearts when we have never taken a moment to try and tame our own minds, to ask the most basic of questions: 

    What do I believe?

    Why do I believe what I believe? 

    Are the core beliefs I have built my life upon based on love or fear? Abundance or lack? ‘Us’ vs. ’Them’?

    Without asking big questions of ourselves and sitting quietly to explore the answers honestly, free of ego, we become easy prey. 

    When society is in chaos we get swept into the game. We easily become manipulated by the propaganda, the fear, and internal soul conflict that becomes reflected in our day-to-day interactions. 

    Our pain points have been tapped and we are lost- further disconnected from the heart, the source of universal love, as our minds become less hinged to what is real.

    We all have our inherent biases, but it is only when a foundational truth is challenged that more people wake up and rise up against the new agents of war: manipulative messaging, catch phrases, trending hashtags, and cancel culture, where every mobile device is the weapon. 

    The thing about propaganda is that most people can only see it conflict strongly with a pre-established belief, and in most cases, there is a pre-existing social network that is also in agreement.

    We think we see it so clearly as we ask:

    How is everyone being manipulated by this? it’s so obvious… 

    How can you of all people not see?

    They’re spreading lies.

    Can’t they see how clearly this stance contradicts what they were outraged about last month?

    It takes a lot ego-checking to see the persuasive messaging and manipulation when it aligns with our existing beliefs and confirms our own biases.

    We especially love when a person who, for all superficial reasons, should be with the ‘other side’ but instead affirms our beliefs and views. We love that. That gives us an I told you so and even one of *yours* says I’m right affirmation.

    Challenging this is hard work for the brain. 

    We watch the news networks, follow the accounts, and now it seems, keep only the friends that affirm us. 

    We share the stories that make us right and call ‘misinformation’ to those that make us wrong. We immediately say the other is lying (and they may very well be), doing whatever it takes to make us feel more and more right. 

    With all of this, what we are actually doing is disconnecting further from the heart. Without realizing it, as we feel so empowered and right, we too have become agents of division.

    What a thing to witness, watching people shuffle around every other week to work out the new “team” they’re on with whatever issue we are to be outraged about, and working out who from the old team is coming along to this new one. Along with this, we now check in on who we are now disappointed by and must separate ourselves from.  It’s a rapid action of follows and unfollows to remain in our safe, belief affirming echo chamber.

    It gets tricky though. 

    For when we are persistently swayed by the all mighty external messaging powers, we lose our way, don’t we? 

    Many of us can see it. Having complex beliefs around complex topics is complex to reckon with.

    When you can see it from the outside, what you are witnessing is a complete loss of self as the heart and mind cannot contend with the ridiculous hypocrisy and most basic impossible conflict of how one stance can’t actually exist in alignment with the last one taken. 

    We lose the ability to tame our own minds, to tune into our hearts, and to truly know thyself.

    We forget that we are all human, and we are all connected. 

    The human species requires deep connection for basic survival, but the ongoing need to align with a side only causes more division- especially when that alignment is based on what was read in memes or trending videos (which are, of course, just more of the aforementioned tools of control). 

    To continue creating separation from others only serves our own growing sense of aloneness and separation from our own souls, while feeding the thin veneer of righteousness.

    What we are all feeling is our basic sense of humanity:  outrage at the suffering, and a yearning for justice that will never come through aggressive, divisive action. 

    Where does it end? 

    We choose.

    The answer to all of this is easy to speak, but takes a monumental amount of work to accomplish.

    It can end when we all find ourselves standing alone, completely divided over the abundance of very real issues we are told to take a side on to the point where we each exist utterly and completely alone, afraid to broach difficult topics and have the necessary difficult conversations. The result of this culture, of course, is that we silence the now nearly inaudible wise whisper of our own heart, and give in to the pull of the tide, the all encompassing, ear splitting roar of the media machine. 

    Or it can end when we decide to join hands, tune in and live and lead from the heart, to not allow that external voice to get any louder and instead work to amplify the whisper of the heart. It ends when we choose to love, allowing the infinite tidal wave of compassion that exists within all of our hearts to take the lead. 

    It ends when, in our everyday lives, not as keyboard warriors, we are walking embodiments of peace. 

    It ends when we look up from our screens and into each others eyes and see that we all want the same thing.

    We smile.

    We serve.

    We love unconditionally.

    We aim to be the joy, the delight, and the inspiration in someone else’s day.

    We operate from kindness.

    What if we extricate ourselves from the nitty gritty horrific details? Yes, you can know the news, but then step back and get centred. Get into coherence, into harmony, and ask, what can I do today to be an agent of love and peace? How can I choose, in this moment and the next, to live and lead from the heart?

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    Meghan Telpner

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  • Find Your Spring Fling in Ownerly’s 2025 Top Cities for Singles

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    Small towns dominate the top spots, with Grantsville, Utah, leading the way-where singles enjoy a 40% lower cost of living than the national average.


    NEW YORK, March 17, 2025 (Newswire.com)
    –
    Ownerly, a leading home and property value estimation platform, has released a study identifying the best U.S. cities for singles in 2025. The analysis considered factors such as the single population, affordability, and the sex ratio to determine the top places for individuals to enjoy a solo life.

    Key Findings:

    • Grantsville, Utah ranks first, offering the tranquility of a small town close to Salt Lake City. The city has affordable housing and a growing population of young professionals attracted to the job market. For a single person, Grantsville is over 40% less expensive than the national average.

    • Clute, Texas, ranked second, has a growing job market and an affordable lifestyle. The living expenses are 14% lower than the national average, with housing being 48% cheaper. The city has also seen nearly 30% single population growth, creating a larger dating pool.

    • Washington Terrace, Utah, in third, has a balanced housing market, growing job opportunities in nearby Ogden, and nearly 20% single population growth. The dating scene thrives on community-driven events, like farmers’ markets and Ogden’s famous First Friday Art Stroll.

    Additional Insights:

    • Christian Mingle is widely used in Southern and Midwestern states, while Bumble and Tinder are popular in states with major metropolitan areas.

    • The cost of living, job prospects, and single population were crucial for the rankings. The top cities offer a lively social scene, a thriving job market, and affordable housing for single incomes.

    For the complete study, visit Ownerly’s 2025 Best Cities for Singles.

    Methodology

    Single population growth: We began by removing cities without an increase in their single population, then discarded any city where the number of singles was on the decline.

    Income growth assessment: Income growth was measured over a 5-year period and standardized for comparison.

    Housing affordability: We examined the proportion of mortgages that consume 35% or more of household income, using inversely standardized owner costs for this metric.

    Sex ratio: The best scores were given to cities where the ratio of men to women was nearly equal.

    Rent affordability: Rent-to-income ratio is critical so we started evaluating the proportion of renter income allocated to housing expenses.

    Median age comparison: Each city’s median age was scored against the national median to derive a normalized score.

    Home Value Growth: Property that grows in value over time is crucial so we analyzed across two time periods to measure real estate growth.

    Comprehensive final ranking: Cities were ranked based on individual ranking metrics and an overall ranking was determined by averaging all scores.

    Online Dating: Online dating is one of the most important aspects for singles so we analyzed the usage and the most searched online dating apps for each state.

    About Ownerly

    Ownerly provides homeowners, buyers and sellers with professional-grade home values used by real estate agents, banks and lenders. With Ownerly, users get important home sales insights and can track the value of their single most important investment-their home.

    For more information or press inquiries, contact Erin Kemp, (erin@ownerly.com).

    Source: Ownerly

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  • Good Will Hunting: A Masterclass in Therapy and Emotional Growth

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    Take a deep dive into the therapeutic relationship as illustrated in the classic film Good Will Hunting, where a defiant genius and a compassionate therapist confront pain, grief, and regret in an emotional journey that changes them both.

    Good Will Hunting (1997) is a widely acclaimed cinematic masterpiece, offering one of the most compelling depictions of therapy ever portrayed on screen — and it remains one of my personal favorite movies of all time.

    The main protagonist is Will Hunting (played by Matt Damon) who is portrayed as an underachieving genius who works a modest life as a janitor at the prestigious MIT. Despite his intelligence, he’s emotionally guarded and frequently gets into brawls and run-ins with the law. One day he solves a difficult math equation on a chalkboard and is then approached by professors and faculty to pursue his talents in mathematics, but first he has to see a therapist and work out his personal problems.

    Will’s journey into therapy begins reluctantly with a typical “I don’t need to see a shrink” attitude. But after a series of arrests and getting bailed out, he’s court-ordered to start seeing someone. He cycles through five therapists, including a hypnotist, antagonizing each one to the point that they refuse to work with him. Will’s sharp intellect and deep emotional defenses make it nearly impossible for anyone to break through and connect with him.

    Finally he meets Sean Maguire (played by Robin Williams), a compassionate but no-nonsense therapist with a rich life of experiences, including deep wounds from his past, and accumulated wisdom. This article breaks down their relationship, session by session, to explore how it evolved throughout the film and potential lessons we can takeaway from it.

    First Meeting: Tensions and Boundary Testing

    Will’s first meeting with Sean begins with his usual strategy of intellectual dominance and boundary testing.

    He scans Sean’s office, searching for things to criticize, and immediately targets his book collection. “You people baffle me. You spend all this money on beautiful, fancy books, and they’re the wrong f***ing books.” Sean, unfazed, spars back, standing his ground while playfully naming books he assumes Will has read.

    Things reach a climax in the scene when Will begins to mock a painting hanging on the wall, which hits a personal nerve for Sean regarding the grief and loss of his wife. Sean’s reaction is striking and unconventional. After listening patiently, he suddenly grabs Will by the throat and threatens him: “If you ever disrespect my wife again, I will end you.”

    While it’s an unethical move for a therapist, this unorthodoxy shows Will that he is not dealing with an ordinary therapy. Both Will and Sean share working class Irish backgrounds in the hard streets of Boston. Sean knows this language and he is willing to speak it if it’s the only way to get through to Will. Sean thus establishes himself as someone who understands Will’s world, where strength and confrontation often dominate.

    This moment lays the foundation for their relationship. Sean shows he’s human, not just a clinical professional, but also that he won’t be intimidated or dismissed by Will’s antics. It’s the first step in breaking down Will’s defenses.

    The Bench Scene: A Turning Point

    After their intense first meeting, Sean invites Will to a park, where he delivers one of the most memorable monologues in the film. Sean begins by admitting his vulnerability, sharing that Will’s comments about the painting kept him up all night and genuinely bothered him.

    By admitting Will’s comments hurt him, Sean shows he’s willing to show weakness, but then he sharply pivots to challenge Will directly, “But then you know what occurred to me? You’re just a kid. You don’t have the faintest idea what you’re talking about.”

    Sean goes on to explain that despite Will’s intellectual brilliance, he lacks lived experience. Sean shares personal moments that defined him — seeing the Sistine Chapel in person, being truly in love with someone, the scars of losing friends in war, and watching a loved one die of cancer. These deep experiences illustrate the limitations of knowledge without life. Sean’s speech is a blend of tough love and empathy, forcing Will to confront the gap between his intellectual defenses and his emotional reality.

    good will hunting bench

    The bench scene sets the tone for the remainder of their therapy. Sean acknowledges Will’s brilliance but challenges him to live beyond books and theories. Sean leaves the door open for Will to continue having sessions with him only if he is ready to truly open up.

    Second Therapy Session: Silence

    The next therapy session begins with complete silence as Sean and Will sit across from each other. After two emotionally charged meetings and still lingering tensions, neither is willing to be the first to reach out or break the quiet.

    The entire hour goes by and neither says a word. While this may feel like an unproductive session, this is another important moment in their relationship. The power of silence acts as a reset button in their relationship.

    Sometimes, simply sitting in the same room without confrontation (“sharing space”) can be a meaningful step toward healing. It allows both Sean and Will to recalibrate, setting the stage for a more productive dynamic moving forward.

    Third Therapy Session: Humor and Opening Up

    The silence stand-off continues into their third session, with each still not willing to budge or say the first word.

    Finally Will breaks the silence with a dirty joke, immediately breaking the tensions in the room and reinitiating conversation in a fun and light-hearted way. After they share a laugh, Will begins to open up about a girl he’s been dating recently. Will mentions how he worries the girl is “too perfect,” and that getting to know her more would just shatter that illusion. Sean wisely responds back, “That’s a super philosophy, that way you can go through your entire life without ever really getting to know anybody.”

    Sean opens up about his wife and the quirks behind their love, like her farting in her sleep and waking up the dog. After all these years, these are the little moments he remembers and cherishes about her. No one is “perfect,” and it’s often the imperfections that make someone special to us.

    good will hunting laugh

    Robin Williams improvised the story about his wife causing Matt Damon to genuinely burst out into laughter during this scene.


    After more light-hearted banter, Will turns the tables and ask why Sean never got remarried. Will firmly replies, “My wife is dead.” Then Will, always testing and challenging, uses one of Sean’s lines against him: “That’s a super philosophy, that way you can go through your entire life without ever really getting to know anybody.”

    Fourth Therapy Session: Love, Opportunities, and Regrets

    Now on much more amicable terms, Will opens up with an honest question, “Do you ever wonder what your life would be like if you never met your wife?”

    Sean accepts that there’s been a lot of pain and suffering in his relationship, but he doesn’t regret any of it, because the good moments were worth it and he wouldn’t trade a single day with her through good or bad times. Will presses to learn more, “When did you know she was the one?”

    “October 21, 1975.”

    It was game six of the World Series, the biggest game in Red Sox history – and Sean slept on the sidewalk all night with friends to get tickets. He recalls the momentous occasion when the Red Sox hit a game-winning home run and everyone rushed the field.

    “Did you rush the field?”

    “Hell no, I wasn’t there. I was in a bar having a drink with my future wife.”

    The story illustrates how Sean knew his wife was the one when he was willing to miss the opportunity of a life-changing moment (being at a historical sporting event) for an even bigger life-changing moment (finding love and his future wife).

    Will is incredulous and yells at Sean for missing the game. He asks, “How did your friends let you get away with that?” And Will simply replies, “I just slid my ticket across the table and said, ‘Sorry guys, I gotta see about a girl.’”

    Fifth Therapy Session: Facing Potential and Values

    In this session, Will begins to ask deep questions about what he wants to do with the rest of his life and what are the best uses of his intelligence and talents.

    After a job interview with the NSA, Will goes into a diatribe about how his talents could be hypothetically used for catastrophic consequences, like overthrowing foreign governments, destabilizing entire countries, or getting his friends sent to fight some war overseas.

    Sean asks him directly, “What are you passionate about? What do you want?”

    They discuss the honor of work, including construction work and Will’s job as a janitor and the pride he takes in it, even though society may not view it as the most rewarding job in the world. Sean prods further asking why he chose to be a janitor at the most prestigious technical university in the world, and why he secretly finished math problems, highlighting that there may be something else driving Will.

    Sean asks again what Will wants to do with his life, and he deflects by joking that he wants to be a shepherd on his own plot of land away from the world. Sean isn’t willing to waste his time and decides to end the session early. Will has a final outburst before leaving, “You’re lecturing me on life? Look at you, you burnout!”

    This session reveals how Will is afraid of his potential and talents, including the responsibility that comes with them. “I didn’t ask to be born like this.” He feels safe continuing to live in his hometown, work his everyday job, and hangout with his childhood friends. He’s afraid to dream bigger. There may be something deeper driving Will’s thirst for knowledge, but he doesn’t know his core values and motivations, and doesn’t truly know himself or what he wants out of life.

    Sixth Therapy Session: “It’s Not Your Fault”

    The next therapy session begins with Sean uncovering more about Will’s painful past, particularly his life as an orphan and the physical abuse he endured with his foster parents. Sean reveals that he, too, grew up with an abusive, alcoholic father, forging another shared bond between them.

    As their conversation unfolds, Will correctly guesses that his final psychological report likely diagnoses him with “attachment issues” and a “fear of abandonment.” He acknowledges that these issues may have driven him to push his girlfriend away, leading to their recent breakup. When Sean gently asks if he wants to talk about it, Will declines.

    Sean then shifts the focus, holding onto the reports as he says, “I don’t know a lot. But you see this? All this shit? It’s not your fault.”

    At first, Will politely agrees, brushing off the comment, but Sean repeats the line: “It’s not your fault.” With each repetition, Will’s emotional defenses begin to crumble, and he cycles through a range of emotions—politeness, confusion, anger, and aggression—until the weight of Sean’s words fully sinks in. Overwhelmed, Will finally breaks down and cries, releasing years of suppressed pain and guilt.

    good will hunting

    In this profoundly cathartic moment, Sean embraces Will, offering the safe and empathetic connection that has been absent from Will’s life. It’s a turning point where Will confronts his past without blame or self-judgment, finally opening the door to acceptance and healing.

    Last Goodbye

    In their last meeting, Will thanks Sean for all of his help and shares the good news that he has accepted an exciting new job. Sean, in turn, reveals his plans to travel and explore life on his own terms. They exchange numbers to keep in touch, symbolizing the respect and connection they’ve built.

    This moment underscores that therapy is often a chapter in life that prepares individuals to continue their journeys independently. Both Will and Sean needed to say their goodbyes and go their separate ways to continue following their paths in life. Will has learned to face his fears and embrace his potential. Sean has rediscovered purpose and fulfillment through helping Will. Their goodbye is bittersweet but profound, a reminder that growth often requires letting go and moving forward.

    In the final scene, Will leaves a letter at Sean’s place that reads, “If the professor calls about that job, just tell him sorry—I had to go see about a girl.” This moment beautifully exemplifies Will’s newfound courage to follow his heart and take meaningful risks.

    Conclusion

    The therapeutic relationship between Sean and Will in Good Will Hunting is a masterclass in storytelling and psychology. Through humor, vulnerability, and mutual respect, Sean helps Will break through years of pain and fear, while Will reignites Sean’s passion for life. Their journey is a powerful testament to the transformative potential of therapy — and how creating a space of acceptance, healing, and growth can change lives.


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    Steven Handel

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  • Finding Meaning in Virtual Worlds: How Online Gaming and Digital Communities Can Transform Lives

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    Virtual worlds and online gaming have become a new source of meaning, purpose, and belonging in today’s world, especially for those who struggle with loneliness, social anxiety, or physical disabilities. The new documentary The Remarkable Life of Ibelin shares the inspiring story of Mats Steen, a young Norwegian man with Duchenne muscular dystrophy, who built a meaningful life through the popular game World of Warcraft.

    The digital world is sometimes criticized for being a “shallow escape” from real life. However, for many it can be a reliable source of meaning, connection, and purpose—especially for those who may find it difficult to fulfill certain needs and values in their regular daily lives.

    The Remarkable Life of Ibelin

    The 2024 documentary The Remarkable Life of Ibelin is an insightful and heartfelt story on how people find real meaning, connection, and purpose through online gaming and virtual worlds.

    Mats Steen, a young Norwegian man living with Duchenne muscular dystrophy, found freedom and fulfillment through his digital persona, Ibelin, in the popular video game World of Warcraft. Mats’ physical limitations were significant, but in Azeroth, he experienced life without barriers.

    His parents only discovered the extent of his online relationships after his death, realizing that the world they thought was isolating had actually given Mats purpose and belonging. For eight years, Mats was an active member of the Starlight community, a guild within World of Warcraft that became like a family to him. Every evening, Mats would log in to talk, roleplay, and have fun with dozens of online friends. Throughout those years, he dedicated over 20,000 hours to the game and participated in conversations that filled more than 42,000 pages of chat logs.

    The documentary used these chat logs to recreate Ibelin’s life within the game, including sentimental and meaningful moments with his online friends Rumour and Reike. Viewers get to witness, through these virtual interactions, how Mats / Ibelin found a place where he was valued not for his physical abilities, but for his personality, humor, and kindness.

    Through this digital world, Mats was able to find a sense of purpose and belonging. As he says in the documentary, “Games are my sanctuary. I am safe here, feel valued and respected.”

    Finding Love and Romantic Fulfillment in Virtual Space

    Due to his physical condition, Mats struggled to find love and romance at school or among real life friends. However, through his virtual avatar Ibelin in the game, Mats was able to experience rare moments of romantic connection that he never thought possible. For once, he was able to connect with people just based on who they are on the inside; as Mats observed, “Everyone looks good in this world, so looks don’t matter, it’s about personality.”

    In World of Warcraft, Mats formed a romantic bond with a player known as Rumour. Their connection began with playful moments, like when Rumour stole his hat “just to see what happens,” and gradually grew into a deeper and more significant connection over time. One of the most memorable moments was their virtual kiss, which Mats described as, “The closest thing I’ve ever been to a crush my entire life.” Mats would give her digital gifts and flowers, and she reciprocated by drawing a real-life picture of their characters embracing—a gift Mats would hang in his room.

    Real-World Emotional Bonds

    These digital connections often spilled over into real lives and deep emotional bonds.

    One day, Rumour mysteriously disappeared from the game and stopped playing. Mats only later found out that her parents had taken her computer away due to her poor grades. This sudden disconnect deeply affected Rumour, whose real name was Lisette, and she began struggling with depression because she could no longer connect with her online friends. Mats, finding out about her pain, wrote a heartfelt letter to her parents, pleading with them to return her computer and emphasizing the value of the relationships she had formed in the digital world. His support helped Lisette during one of the most challenging periods she faced, showing how genuine and meaningful digital bonds can be, even outside of virtual spaces.

    Another one of his gaming friends, Xenia, known as Reike in the game, struggled to connect with her autistic son. Mats encouraged her to try gaming as a way to bridge the gap, and through World of Warcraft, Xenia was able to find new ways to communicate and bond with her son, including giving each other “virtual hugs,” which was a big deal because her son struggled with human touch in the real world. Xenia also said that her son could now share things with her that he normally couldn’t in person or face-to-face, improving their overall ability to communicate and connect through the shared experience of video games. 

    These are just a couple examples of how Mats’ digital relationships had significant, positive effects on the real lives of those around him, illustrating the powerful potential of online communities to bring about meaningful change.

    Opening Up About His Condition

    Mats took a long time to open up about his physical condition to the other members of Starlight. Feeling completely protected behind his virtual persona, Mats could ignore his material reality and didn’t have to worry about people showing him superficial pity or sympathy because of his illness. 

    This hesitation to open up and be vulnerable unfortunately led to some missed opportunities, including missed phone calls and video chats with his online friends. And during a real-life meetup and party for all the members of Starlight, Mats ended up being one of the few to not attend.

    Despite his fears of vulnerability, Mats eventually found the courage to open up as his illness progressed. He shared his fears of dying without meaning anything to anyone with Reike/Xenia, who reminded him of the profound impact he had made on her life and her son’s life. She then listed all the other people he had positively influenced, proving just how meaningful his presence had been over the years.

    Ibelin’s Funeral and Legacy

    After Mats’ death, the emotional weight of his digital connections became evident. When his parents announced his death on his blog, there was an outpouring of emails filled with love, sympathy, and support for Mats / Ibelin and his family. One email read, “What mattered to Mats was being able to spread joy in our lives. And stuff I learned from his example has changed the way I think about life. I hope that wherever he is, he knows that he’s remembered and treasured, and smiling right now.” Five of his online friends from multiple different countries attended his funeral, showing how deeply these connections extended outside of the virtual world. The Starlight community also organized their own virtual funeral for Ibelin, which has now become an annual tradition to honor his memory.

    Studies Supporting the Value of Online Gaming

    A well-known study (PDF) by Nick Yee (2006) identified three primary motivations for playing MMORPGs (Massively Multiplayer Online Role-Playing Games), such as World of Warcraft. Each of these motivations can be seen in Mats’ experience as Ibelin:

    • Achievement: The drive to accomplish goals, gain recognition, and feel a sense of success. Mats fulfilled important roles within the game, like his ‘investigator job,’ which gave him a sense of duty and made him feel valued and respected as a member of the Starlight team.
    • Social Interaction: The desire to connect, build relationships, and be part of a community. Mats was an active member of the Starlight community, where he built meaningful friendships both online and offline, including his connections with Reike (Xenia) and Rumour (Lisette).
    • Immersion: The desire to lose oneself in a fantasy world and experience life through a completely new perspective. Mats immersed himself in his avatar Ibelin and the virtual world of Azeroth, finding freedom from his chronic illness and experiencing life in a way that was uniquely empowering and uplifting. 

    In another related study published in Cyberpsychology, Behavior, and Social Networking, researchers found that players often experience deep social connections within their gaming communities which can help alleviate feelings of loneliness and isolation, especially for those who struggle with social anxiety or shyness. And a study in Computers in Human Behavior indicated that the collaborative nature of online games encourages many pro-social attributes such as improved communication, trust, and shared purpose.

    All of these elements are evident in Mats’ story, where his participation in the Starlight community gave him a valued role within a group and elevated his sense of identity and self-worth – all of which are important pillars in building a meaningful life. For individuals facing challenges like physical disabilities or social anxiety, online games can provide an accessible way to fulfill essential psychological needs that may be harder to meet in the physical world.

    Feeling Like You Made a Difference Somewhere

    One of the most meaningful aspects of Mats’ journey as Ibelin was his desire to make a difference in the lives of others. Despite his fears of dying without leaving a mark, Mats’ impact was undeniable. Through his friendships with Rumour, Reike, and others, he provided emotional support, created lasting memories, and changed lives for the better. His story reminds us that feeling like we have made a difference — whether in the physical or digital world —is a fundamental human need that gives life purpose.

    The annual virtual memorials held by the Starlight community, the heartfelt emails his parents received, and the international attendance at his funeral are all powerful symbols of the difference Mats made. His story shows that creating a positive impact on others isn’t just about physical presence, but ultimately the energy you give to others.

    Conclusion

    The Remarkable Life of Ibelin invites us to reconsider how we view digital spaces and the potential they hold for providing meaning, connection, and purpose. The emotional weight of Mats’ story moved me deeply—I’ll admit that by the end of the documentary I was tearing up a little bit, but that shows how powerful “just digital” relationships can be and how inseparable they are from our broader reality. For Mats Steen, World of Warcraft was more than just a game—it was a lifeline, a place where he could be a stronger and more confident version of himself, find love and romantic connection, and support his friends in a real and tangible way. His story is a powerful reminder that behind every avatar is a real person, and that the connections we form online can be just as enriching and life-changing as those we form in the physical world.  

    If you’re looking for more insightful documentaries, check out my recommended list of documentaries here.



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    Steven Handel

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  • Gardening as a Lifeline: Coping with Heartache Through Nature’s Cycles – Garden Therapy

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    Heartbreak is not often treated with the same compassion as loss or illness, but it can be just as debilitating. We’ve all experienced the pangs of heartache in one way or another. If you’re currently feeling heartache, let the plants support you. They’re one of the best guides you can have on your side.

    Hoya heart

    Many people go through heartbreak on a regular basis, but it’s not something that society will often accommodate. Chances are, you have no idea that Deborah at the desk next to you just broke up with her partner last week. Because all she knows is to suck it up and get on with it.

    When someone gets a diagnosis, becomes ill, or, say, breaks a bone, it’s very visible. Or at least allowed to be talked about. But heartbreak is something that’s not as visible.

    And I’m not just talking about when a partnership, marriage, or relationship ends. Heartbreak comes in the form of family members who stop speaking to each other, losing a close friend, or deciding to go different ways with any kind of special person in your life.

    We live in a strange world these days, with lots of heartbreak, yet most people don’t know what tools they need to deal with it. It’s often kept hidden, and we’re told to just go on with our daily lives.

    Really, you might need some time to refocus because heartbreak is downright painful. And thank goodness we have plants, because they’re going to be your key to getting through this.

    This post will cover…

    A Virtual Tour of the New York Botanical GardenA Virtual Tour of the New York Botanical Garden
    The world won’t stop for your grief, but that doesn’t mean you can’t take the time for yourself.

    The Universality of Heartbreak

    There’s a reason every singer resorts to love songs…and breakup songs. They’re an anthem we can all relate to.

    Even if you’re still with your high school sweetheart, we’ve all experienced heartache. Oftentimes, it’s associated with a breakup from a partner, and we’ll load up songs like Adele’s, Someone Like You, or Carole King’s, It’s Too Late.

    But heartache can come from all kinds of relationships. It can be from the loss of a friendship, someone moving away, your child pulling away as they get older, or even grief over the death of someone dear to you. It’s losing any kind of attached relationship.

    Heartbreak is often hiding under the surface while we all put on a brave face. It can take some time for people to feel themselves again, and I wanted to give some visibility to anyone who is currently healing a broken heart.

    You don’t have to hide your broken heart here.

    Practical Tips to Cope With Heartache

    With all that being said, I really like practical tips that you can apply to your life. So, if you’re dealing with heartbreak, here are some things that you can do.

    Ride the Waves

    When you first feel that pang of heartache, I want you to ride the wave. Heartache can be triggered by many things, as memories are tied to all kinds of objects, phrases, places, scents, etc. When we experience the trigger, it can arrive like one big wave.

    But the thing about waves is that they do calm back down.

    Rather than try to text the person or give into whatever kind of behaviour you’re trying to avoid, acknowledge that you’re experiencing a moment of heartache. Remind yourself that this is normal, no matter what stage you are in, and that the feeling is temporary.

    After this, try to take your mind away from the heartache. Whether that’s watching a funny show, calling a friend, or one of the many gardening projects I have here on Garden Therapy, do something nurturing for yourself.

    Heartache waves can last seconds, minutes, or even hours.

    Get Outside

    Did you know that just getting outside can instantly boost your mental health? It’s something I love to rave about here on Garden Therapy and has been proven time and time again by different research studies.

    When you get outside and interact with nature, your stress goes down, you can feel less anxious, and it can even help with depression.

    It doesn’t take much, either. Just a quick five minutes outside, breathing in the fresh air can help you feel more at ease. It’s a great thing to do when you need to ride the wave of heartache.

    Nitobe Japanese garden at UBCNitobe Japanese garden at UBC
    No matter the season, you can find a reset by spending five minutes outside.

    Interact With Plants

    Likewise, the science behind getting outside is the same as interacting with plants. Now, I know I’m biased, but surrounding myself with plants has healed me in many different ways, more times than I can count.

    Being around plants is a great way to distract yourself while also feeling connected to another being. While our friends and family can be supportive to lean on during heartache, they’re not always available to help.

    Often, we have to process the feelings a lot more than other people can take on to support us. Using plants as another form of connection can help you fill those gaps yourself.

    Take this time to add some houseplants to your home, start a new garden, or work on another plant related project. Watch it grow, and one day you may realize the plant has doubled in size while your heartache has become memories.

    For more on how people and plants connect, check out this post.

    Stephanie picking plantsStephanie picking plants
    Everyone shows support in different ways. Plants show support silently but loyally.

    Reconnect With Your Hobbies

    When we’re in a relationship of any kind, so much of our time is dictated by spending time with the other person/people. Suddenly having more time for yourself can feel quite jarring.

    To manage the loneliness that can come from this, use this time to help regain your sense of self. What did you do with your time before the relationship? What activities do you love but rarely have time for anymore?

    Of course, I’m going to suggest more ways to connect with nature. These can include going on a tour of a local garden, planting something outside, flipping through seed catalogues, or harvesting a bouquet of flowers. It could be as simple as walking to your local park to forage for pinecones and then making crafts with what you find.

    Red and light pink peony bouquetRed and light pink peony bouquet
    You can buy yourself flowers. Heck, you can grow yourself some flowers.

    There’s something you can do every season. Here are some ideas to get you started…

    I encourage you to make your own dopamine menu, which embraces many of these ideas. You can find a whole list of ideas in this post.

    Dopamine Menu for GardeningDopamine Menu for Gardening

    Remember, it’s okay to shed some tears. The plants aren’t going to judge you. Take care, and hugs to you. I’ve been where you are; it’s not fun. It does, however, get easier.

    Keep on growing. xo

    More Ways to Find Solace in the Garden

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    Stephanie Rose

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  • Asking Eric: Mom insists she’s not depressed, but daughter doesn’t believe her

    Asking Eric: Mom insists she’s not depressed, but daughter doesn’t believe her

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    Dear Eric: My mother has been a widow for quite a few years now. Her days consist of watching TV. We took her on vacation with us once, but she wanted to just stay in the hotel and watch TV. She rarely sees friends or goes out. My siblings and I live about an hour away, have full-time jobs, spouses and children so going over to see her a few times a month is all we can take on at this time.

    We have suggested she might be depressed or lonely, but she scoffs, saying she likes spending time alone. We have suggested activities with a senior center, her church, etc., and she declines, stating she doesn’t want to hang around old people. The last time we mentioned it she got really angry so we said we wouldn’t speak of it again. But I’m worried about her mental health. Her world has gotten so incredibly small.

    Maybe I want to feel off the hook somehow because I do feel guilty that I can’t entertain her more. At some point, do I have to accept that this is the life she has chosen for herself?

    — Unchanged Channel

    Dear Channel: Accept that this is what she wants to do at this point in her life but keep an eye on her without pressure. Per the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, older adults are at greater risk for depression, which can show up as loss of interest in pleasurable hobbies. Be on the lookout for other symptoms of depression. But honor your commitment to not bugging her. Maybe TV is her hobby and that’s just fine.

    Our worlds change as we change. If your mother isn’t expressing discontentment, you have to take her at her word. The last thing you want to do is undermine her autonomy by telling her how she feels. Your guilt may be more about the life that you want her to have, rather than the life she wants to have. Keep the lines of communication open and listen to what she’s telling you.

    Dear Eric: I have two nephews who were recently married. My adult children were invited to the events, but my husband and I were not, nor did we receive a formal announcement. I have not sent a card or gift to my nephews. I am interested in accepted protocol for acknowledging an event when the couples don’t send even an announcement or explanation for invitation restrictions. I know I can do what I want but what do others do?

    — Uninvited Dilemma

    Dear Uninvited Dilemma: About a decade ago, Miss Manners wrote “a wedding invitation is not an invoice.” That’s fabulous guidance for both guests and celebrants to remember. It stands to reason, then, that the absence of an invitation is also not an invoice. You don’t have an obligation here.

    It all depends on the relationship you have with your nephews. If you feel compelled to share your well-wishes, despite not getting an invite, I’m sure that would be welcome and could even help build a stronger relationship. However, it seems that you’re rightfully perplexed about why you didn’t make the cut. If you’re looking for an explanation, a gift is less likely to prompt one than a direct ask. You can do that. But I would just send a card and let it go.

    Dear Eric: “Paul,” my brother-in-law, will be having major surgery in the next month or so. My husband and I plan to fly out to see him while he’s recovering. While I don’t mind visiting Paul in the hospital, I get extremely anxious whenever I’m invited to stay as a guest in another person’s home. I just know he’s going to be disappointed when he learns that we intend to stay at a nearby resort instead.

    Paul also has indoor pets and I’ve never been comfortable around animals. If the subject of us staying with him should come up, how do I explain myself without seeming heartless? My husband and I think very highly of Paul and don’t want to hurt his feelings.

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    R. Eric Thomas

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