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Tag: life story

  • Deathbed Motivation: The Top 5 Regrets of the Dying

    Deathbed Motivation: The Top 5 Regrets of the Dying

    If you were on your deathbed right now, what would your biggest regrets be? The answer can change the way you decide to live the rest of your life.

    Thinking about death can change how we live our lives. Our time on Earth is limited, and this realization can completely shift our perspective. It puts our real values and priorities into sharp focus, causing us to step back and re-evaluate if we are living our current lives in the best way possible.

    When I was going through a period of depression in college, I would take the bus to the local cemetery by myself with nothing but my camera. I’ve always been comfortable with solitude and doing things alone, but these cemetery walks were an especially meaningful and humbling experience for me. Walking among the graves and reading the names of people I’d never know showed me that life is much bigger than my ego. The realization that death is a necessary part of life sparked me to reevaluate and see the bigger picture behind my choices and actions.

    These cemetery walks were a powerful reminder that I would be dead one day too – but not yet – and that filled me with a sense of power and responsibility so long as I’m still breathing.

    How people think about death can have a profound effect on their psychology. Some people face the prospect of mortality by ignoring it and engaging in escapist behaviors driven by materialism (“buy more things”) or hedonism (“seek more pleasure”). Others embrace the prospect of death and recognize that it means they need to make the most of their time here before it’s too late.

    In the popular book The Top Five Regrets of the Dying: A Life Transformed by the Dearly Departing, Bronnie Ware documents her experiences in palliative care, working closely with those who had terminal illnesses or were approaching the end-of-life. She identified five main regrets of the dying based on conversations and confessions with those on their deathbeds.

    This article will outline her main findings along with my personal thoughts on each one.

    Deathbed Motivation: Top 5 Regrets of the Dying

    According to Bronnie Ware, the five most common regrets shared by people nearing death were:

    “I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.”

    It’s cliché but true: you only have one life to live.

    Many people cave to social pressures to choose paths in life that are expected of them, such as what school to attend, or what career to pursue, or what types of relationships to cultivate. However, what brings one person happiness isn’t necessarily what brings another person happiness. If we only try to make others happy, we often end up neglecting our own needs, wants, passions, and ideals.

    Understanding your core values is one of the most important steps you can take in life. Knowing what you really want will help you make choices that are harmonious with what you really care about, not just what you think you “should do” or “ought to do.” One interesting study published in the journal Emotions found that our most enduring and long-lasting regrets are usually “ideal-related,” such as personal goals and aspirations.

    Our biggest regrets are often the things we didn’t do but always wanted to, like starting a rock band, or writing a book, or traveling to a place we always wanted to visit.

    “I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.”

    Most people don’t lay on their deathbeds thinking, “I wish I spent more time at my job.”

    Work is important and it can be fulfilling, but many people in today’s world become myopically focused on advancing in their jobs/careers or making more money by any means necessary (sometimes even in unhealthy, destructive, or unethical ways).

    We wrongly believe that wealth is the only real measure of value in life, and thus we get distracted from other important things like spending more time with family, taking care of our health, giving back to our community, or pursuing personal passions.

    In our materialistic and consumerist culture, nothing seems more important than “working hard” and “making money,” but as the saying goes, “You can’t take it with you when you die.”

    “I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.”

    We often have trouble expressing our true feelings toward people because we see emotions as weakness or we don’t want to risk being vulnerable.

    This is especially true when it comes to feelings of love, gratitude, and appreciation. There are some families, cultures, and couples where it’s rare to hear the words, “I love you,” or “I appreciate you.” The feelings are taken for granted, but they are never explicitly said.

    It’s important that we learn to express love and appreciation toward others while we still can (including toward family, friends, loved ones, or mentors), because we will often regret it if we miss our chance.

    Recently I wrote my mom a thank you letter for her birthday. It helped me communicate a lot of feelings that I’ve always had but were difficult to say out-loud. It felt like an emotional weight was lifted off my shoulders once I finally expressed my tremendous gratitude for her and everything she’s done for me.

    There are also people I’ve lost in life whom I was never able to tell that I appreciated them. Those are regrets I’ll have to live with – the crucial lesson is don’t miss the opportunity to tell people you love them while you still can.

    “I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.”

    One common theme in life is that relationships come and go.

    Our circle of friends often changes dramatically throughout high school, college, and into adulthood, especially when we move to new places or leave our hometowns. We tend to lose touch with people over time. Those who were once “best friends” we now go years without even speaking to.

    In theory, it’s easier to stay in touch with people now more than ever; old friends and family are just a call, text, or email away, yet we rarely take advantage of these opportunities.

    It’s never too late to check in on past connections. It can seem awkward at first to reach out to those we haven’t seen in years, but often they will appreciate the gesture and you both will enjoy reconnecting and reminiscing about your shared past.

    The simple act of checking in on people on a regular basis (such as holidays, birthdays, reunions, etc.) can preserve our social connections over time and remind us all the positive relationships and social support we have. Each person you stay in touch with is another layer of meaning in your life.

    “I wish that I had let myself be happier.”

    People are too busy these days to be happy.

    We get easily trapped in the hustle and bustle of daily life with work, school, chores, family, and other responsibilities and obligations. In the midst of all this, many forget the simple art of stepping back and finding happiness in the moment.

    You don’t need to wait for something life-changing to be happy. Many people don’t realize that happiness is in their control and you can start finding it in little things, like savoring positive experiences, counting your blessings, having things to look forward to, and prioritizing positive activities. These are habits that are available to anyone no matter what their current situation is in life. You don’t need to be rich or famous; in fact, sometimes those people are the most distracted and least happy.

    If happiness is a skill, then it’s something that’s worth learning. It isn’t magic, it’s a direct result of how you think, act, and view your world.

    The Time That Remains

    If you are reading this right now, then you still have power over how you live the rest of your life. Every new breath is a symbol of this power.

    Which of the big five regrets do you relate to the most? Living too much by other people’s expectations, focusing too much on work, not communicating your true feelings, losing touch with old friends and family, or simply not finding time for more happiness?

    These are important questions worth reflecting on. Take a moment to imagine yourself on your deathbed, which regrets would hurt the most? What can you still do about it?


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    Steven Handel

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  • George Santos Was Finally Too Much for Republicans

    George Santos Was Finally Too Much for Republicans

    So long, George Santos, we hardly knew ye—and that was pretty much the problem.

    This morning, House members evicted one of their own for only the sixth time in history, terminating the congressional career of the Long Island Republican barely a year after he won election on a campaign of lies and alleged fraud. The vote to expel Santos was 311–114, easily clearing the two-thirds threshold needed to pass. As with most other consequential votes this year, a unified Democratic caucus carried the resolution along with a divided GOP, whose members struggled with the decision of whether to trim their already narrow majority by kicking Santos out of Congress. A slim majority of Republicans stood by Santos, while all but four Democrats voted to expel him.

    Santos’s tenure was as memorable as it was brief; to the bitter end—and it was bitter—he seemed to be auditioning for a reality show, or perhaps the title role in a sequel to Steven Spielberg’s Catch Me if You Can. Ultimately, a Republican Party that has largely embraced a former president indicted in four separate criminal cases was unwilling to offer the same support to a freshman member of Congress whom a large majority of GOP lawmakers would not have recognized before January. The vote suggested that some ethical line remains that a Republican politician cannot cross without reproach—at least if that person is not named Donald Trump. Where exactly that line sits, however, is unclear.

    Republicans largely stood by Santos through earlier efforts to oust him this year after a federal grand jury indicted him on charges of wire fraud, money laundering, false statements, and theft of public funds; just a month ago, the House overwhelmingly rejected an expulsion resolution across party lines. Then came a damning report by the House Ethics Committee that alleged in striking detail just how flagrantly Santos had deceived his campaign donors. He used campaign funds on OnlyFans and Botox, among other salacious tidbits investigators uncovered. “Representative Santos sought to fraudulently exploit every aspect of his House candidacy for his own personal financial profit,” the report concluded. “He blatantly stole from his campaign.”

    David A. Graham: The non-end of George Santos

    Santos denounced the report and generally denied the allegations, but he has refused to offer a specific defense of his actions. Still, Republican leaders resisted expelling him. Speaker Mike Johnson privately urged Santos to resign in order to spare his party the difficult vote of removing him. But Santos, who had already announced that he would not seek a second term next year, was done with party loyalty. “If I leave, they win,” he told reporters, accusing his colleagues of “bullying” him.

    Johnson tried to pressure Santos, but he would not lobby other Republicans to expel him. He described the expulsion resolution as “a vote of conscience”—which is Capitol code for “vote however you want.” But in the hours before today’s vote, he and Majority Leader Steve Scalise told reporters that they would vote to save Santos.

    The reason GOP leaders would protect Santos was plain: With such a small majority, they couldn’t spare a single vote, even one as ethically and legally compromised as his. “Do you think for a minute if Republicans had a 25-seat majority, they would care about George Santos’s vote?” Representative Pete Aguilar of California, the House Democratic caucus chair, asked earlier this week. “They needed him to vote for Speaker McCarthy. They needed him to vote for Speaker Johnson. That’s the only reason why he’s still a member of Congress.”

    A few House Republicans acknowledged that the party could ill afford to jettison Santos when it has had enough trouble passing bills as is. The contingent pushing most aggressively for expulsion was Santos’s New York Republican colleagues, who were both personally appalled that he had slipped into Congress alongside them and most likely to suffer politically from his continued presence. A handful of GOP-held seats in Long Island and upstate New York—including the one formerly held by Santos—could determine whether Republicans keep control of the House next year.

    Santos won his competitive seat in 2022 after somehow evading the scrutiny that usually accompanies closely fought House races; not until weeks later did The New York Times report that he had almost entirely invented his life story. Santos had lied about attending a prestigious prep school and earning degrees from Baruch College and NYU. He lied about working on Wall Street for Citigroup and Goldman Sachs. He said that his grandparents survived the Holocaust and that his mother was working in the Twin Towers on 9/11. Both were lies. “He has manufactured his entire life,” Representative Marc Molinaro, a fellow New York Republican, said yesterday in a floor speech arguing for Santos’s expulsion.

    Publicly, the Republicans who voted with Santos—mainly staunch conservatives—argued against his removal on procedural grounds. The only other lawmakers the House has expelled were either members of the Confederacy during the Civil War or convicted of crimes in court. Ousting Santos based on accusations alone, these Republicans said, would set a dangerous new precedent and overturn the will of the voters who sent him to Congress. Yet none of them was actually willing to vouch for him. “I rise not to defend Geroge Santos, whoever he is,” Representative Matt Gaetz of Florida said in a floor speech, “but to defend the very precedent that my colleagues are willing to shatter.”

    Maria Konnikova: What psychology can teach us about George Santos

    Santos was a performer until his very last moments in Congress. “I will not stand by quietly,” he declared on the House floor. It was one statement of his that was indisputably true. Santos was a ubiquitous presence in the days leading up to the vote, willing to attack anyone standing against him. During a three-hour appearance on X (formerly Twitter) Spaces, he accused his colleagues of voting while drunk on the House floor. When one Republican, Representative Max Miller of Ohio, called Santos a “crook” to his face, Santos replied by referring to him as “a woman-beater,” dredging up allegations that Miller had physically abused his ex-girlfriend. (Miller denied the accusations.) Finally, Santos attempted one last bit of retribution by filing a motion to expel Representative Jamaal Bowman of New York, the Democrat who pleaded guilty last month to a misdemeanor charge for falsely pulling a fire alarm en route to a House vote.

    “It’s all theater,” Santos declared yesterday with no hint of irony, on his penultimate day as a member of Congress. He had scheduled a press conference outside the House chamber, using the Capitol dome as a picturesque tableau. In the background, however, was a different icon: a garbage truck, presumably there to take out the congressional trash.

    Russell Berman

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