Tag: Legislatures
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Senate Freaking Out After Dianne Feinstein Gets Her Hands On Gun
WASHINGTON—Thrown into a panic when the confused 89-year-old appeared on the Senate floor randomly pointing a firearm at various colleagues, lawmakers reportedly freaked out Friday after Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D-CA) got her hands on a gun. “Good God, someone get that thing away from her!” said Sen. Joe Manchin (D-WV), who ducked behind a chair as Feinstein rolled down the aisle and waved a 9 mm semiautomatic handgun in several faces, screaming that there were terrorists hiding in the attic and they had been poisoning her food. “She clearly doesn’t understand what she’s doing. If someone puts their hands up and approaches her slowly, maybe she’ll just give it to you. It’s probably not loaded. There’s no way she’s still lucid enough to know how to—oh, shit, hit the deck!” At press time, after appearing surprised to realize where she was and what she was doing, Feinstein was said to have calmly and systemically shot every member of Congress who has called for her resignation.
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Sen. Feinstein Faces Increased Pressure From Hallucination Of JFK Yelling At Her To Step Down
SAN FRANCISCO—With the powerful Democrat making frequent appearances before her and urging her to resign her seat, Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D-CA) reportedly faced increased pressure Friday from a hallucination of the late former President John F. Kennedy yelling at her to step down. “The party, Dianne! Think of the party!” said an apparition of the 35th president who is visible only to Feinstein and has served as her top aide since he entered her hospital room last month, trailing behind him the endless brain tissue that continually oozes from a wound in his skull. “There is nothing left for you in the Senate, Dianne, or indeed in this earthly realm. Soon you will carry out the ultimate service to your country by joining me on the other side. And together, we will govern the afterlife!” At press time, Feinstein told sources she felt betrayed after discovering the phantasm of Kennedy was merely angling to be appointed to her vacant Senate seat.
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Katie Porter Uses Whiteboard To Explain To Dianne Feinstein Why This Her Office Now
WASHINGTON—Circling the words “dead soon” for emphasis, Rep. Katie Porter (D-CA) reportedly used a whiteboard Wednesday to explain to Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D-CA) why the public office held by Feinstein for 30 years belonged to Porter now. “So as you can see here, the average life expectancy for a woman in the United States is 79 years, and come 2024, you’ll be 91—if you’re lucky—and that’s just too old!” said Porter, who drew a stick figure that was hunched over and leaning on a cane, along with several arrows that appeared to indicate the figure was about to tumble into an open grave. “Me, I’ll only be 51. But you, well, pretty soon you’re going to be down there in the ground. So you can’t stay here. Are you still following me, Dianne? This office is mine.” At press time, sources confirmed Porter had been forced to wipe the board clean and start over by explaining that the Hart Senate Office Building was not Feinstein’s home and she did not live there.
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Kevin McCarthy Elected House Speaker After 15 Rounds Of Voting
Republican Kevin McCarthy was elected House speaker on a historic post-midnight 15th ballot early Saturday, after making extensive concessions to right-wing hardliners that raised questions about the party’s ability to govern. What do you think?
“Who knew the party that tried to overthrow the government would be so bad at government?”
Carlos Rollins, Tree Debarker
“Damn, I bet the over.”
Jasper Shimoma, Acoustics Expert
“Any more rounds and this would’ve turned embarrassing.”
Beatrix Wallace, Sex Toy Advocate
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Hakeem Jeffries Elected To House Democratic Leader In Historic First
House Democrats chose caucus chair Hakeem Jeffries of New York to succeed Nancy Pelosi as leader of the Democrats in the chamber next year, a historic move that will make him the first Black person to lead one of the two major parties in either chamber of Congress. What do you think?
“Isn’t 52 a little young to be leading the Democrats?”
James Clark, Unemployed
“He probably had to kill twice as many progressive bills as his white colleagues to get to where he is today.”
Vivian Kirk, I.D. Designer
“Hopefully this paves the way for future corporate attorneys to seek leadership positions.”
Daryl Williams, Information Distributor
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Nancy Pelosi Will Not Seek Reelection As Democratic Leader In House
Nancy Pelosi, who has led Democrats in the U.S. House of Representatives for almost two decades, has announced she is standing down from the role, as Republicans are projected to take back control of the House following the midterm elections. What do you think?
“Time for some young blood to fail us.”
Chuck Duffy, Hurricane Chaser
“I sure hope she didn’t take that attempt on her life personally.”
Britney Yoder, Associate Plumber
“Doesn’t she know how hard it is for older women to change careers?”
Elliott Dwyer, Logging Swamper
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Things A Republican-Held Congress Plans To Do Immediately
The GOP has rightly taken issue with the Biden administration killing foreign civilians in airstrikes and causing mass starvation in Afghanistan by freezing its government assets, not to mention the brutal sanctions on—wait, no, it will be over some Marjorie Taylor Greene bullshit.
