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  • Final Fantasy 7 Rebirth has no right being this funny

    Final Fantasy 7 Rebirth has no right being this funny

    As many people have said on dating profiles (or mothers on their wall art), I love a video game that makes me laugh, and I am delighted Final Fantasy 7 Rebirth has been so goddamn good at it.

    In my time with the game, it has asked me to do absurd things like play a card game against a regular-ass dog. It has featured Cloud Strife, the badass protagonist with a giant sword, carrying a little cushion around for him to use on benches. It’s got dudes who play acoustic guitar at you like the Kens in Barbie, the franchise’s second homoerotic biker duel, and a lot of other things I want to talk about but would probably be spoilers. I mean, Chadley???

    But if you’ll allow me the indulgence, I need to talk about one in particular.

    Consider this a spoiler warning. I’m serious. I’m going to embed a photo of Cloud Strife playing the piano (also funny) to try and spare casual scrollers, but right underneath it, there will be a YouTube video of one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen in video games, one that I recommend seeing for yourself if you’re interested in playing through Final Fantasy 7 Rebirth. (You can’t miss it, it’s part of the story.)

    Okay, ready?

    Image: Square Enix

    Here it is:

    There are a lot of incredible things about this scene, which takes place in Chapter 5 aboard the Shinra-8 cruise to Costa del Sol. First, like a lot of things in Rebirth, it’s a gag lifted directly from the original Final Fantasy 7, but it’s been given such a lavish reinterpretation that it becomes an entirely different kind of funny, a throwaway gag made into a comedic centerpiece for no reason at all.

    As previously established in Final Fantasy 7 Remake, the characters are more than happy to break out into dance, but that still doesn’t prepare you for seeing Red XIII do a Michael Jackson impression, or the (smaller but funnier) sight gag of the canine warrior trying to cross his legs across the table from Cloud. (Also the kid crying at the sight of him kills me every time.)

    I don’t think you get any of this in Final Fantasy 7 Rebirth without Square Enix’s crucial development decision to never shy away from or soften the oddity of the original game’s polygonal abstraction. Under the older game’s art constraints, the unrealities of, say, riding a dolphin or meeting a talking cat are much easier to roll with, and not particularly unusual.

    Recreating these moments with such a high degree of realism is in itself funny, an endearing commitment to a bit I can’t believe a massive studio signed up for. It’s also both a necessary counterbalance to an otherwise dire and melodramatic story — yes, the heroes of Rebirth must also fight for a world that has room for fun and levity — and a bit of a eulogy for this kind of goofballery in modern big-budget games.

    Sure, every once in a while we get something like Like a Dragon: Infinite Wealth, the latest in a long line of games that always show players a tremendously goofy time — but Final Fantasy 7’s comedy is something different. It’s a relic from a time when games were a little more mysterious, a little more challenging to interpret, with a little more room to surprise. Maybe publishers will see people eagerly sharing photos of Red XIII riding a chocobo and think, hey, this stuff would be good to have in video games again.

    Joshua Rivera

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  • Cheney Offers to Waterboard Trump – Ralph Lombard, Humor Times

    Cheney Offers to Waterboard Trump – Ralph Lombard, Humor Times

    Ex-Congresswoman wants to waterboard Trump to ‘get at the truth’ about January 6th.

    In a less-publicized section of Liz Cheney’s tell-all expose “Oath and Honor,” the former US Congresswoman explains how she’d personally deal with Donald Trump.

    waterboard Trump
    Like father, like daughter: Liz Cheney wants to waterboard Trump.

    “I’d waterboard him,” she writes. “Donald Trump is, without a doubt, the gravest threat this country has ever faced. And I mean ever! Far greater than Bin Laden ever was, far greater than Lee Harvey Oswald, or Fidel Castro, or Jefferson Davis, or John Wilkes Booth, or Benedict Arnold, or even Hitler himself. And if that doesn’t justify enhanced interrogation techniques, I don’t know what does!

    “I think that if I was allowed just five minutes alone with him at an undisclosed location in Guantanamo Bay for a heart-to-heart chat — well, I just think that would go a long way towards helping bring out the real truth about Trump’s involvement in the January 6th insurrection. As a matter of fact, if I’m any judge of character, it might only take ten or fifteen seconds.”

    In a later chapter Cheney reveals what she thinks would be the proper punishment for Trump’s many crimes.

    “When Trump gets sent to prison — I mean if Trump gets sent to prison, ha-ha– he certainly should not be given a free ride. Hopefully by that time he’ll be financially ruined and completely penniless, and absolutely dependent on the good will of all the people he’s thrown under the bus over the years. Which is to say, he’ll be all alone.

    “This will force him to engage in demeaning outsourced manual labor to pay for his keep in prison. Fast-food employment might well be considered. Of course working at McDonald’s would be more of a reward than a punishment, but I think that working at Taco Bell as, say, the toilet cleaning boy, might be entirely appropriate. And we’d even give him three free meals a day of all the tacos he could eat, washed down with plenty of genuine imported Mexican water.

    “On the weekends Trump could be locked in a pillory in the prison exercise yard for gala celebrations. The festivities could begin with a “dangerous fruit” throwing contest for the children, followed by a thousand-dollar-a-plate fund-raiser, where participants get to break the plates over Trump’s head. Ten thousand dollar kicks in the ass would also be available. The grand finale could be an auction, with a minimum bid of one hundred thousand dollars, where one lucky lady gets to grab Trump by the bells (sic), and wring them for thirty seconds!”

    Ralph LombardRalph Lombard
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  • Kringle Unwraps His Dating Profile – Marilyn Sands, Humor Times

    Kringle Unwraps His Dating Profile – Marilyn Sands, Humor Times

    Kris Kringle

    Mrs. Claus gives Santa aka Kris Kringle aka BowlFullofJelly a ‘Deck the Halls Pass’!

    It’s true! Santa wants to trade-in the old Mrs for a brand new Better-Half-his-age on-line!

    Kris Kringle wifeKris Kringle wife

    Mrs. Claus says it’s just a phase & his new on-line pics prove it!

    Clara says, ‘What can I do? During sex Mr Kringle calls out all nine reindeer names plus his before he gets to mine: ‘Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Rudolph & Blinzes’!

    Kris KringleKris Kringle

    ‘You know that old saying, ‘There may be snow on the roof, but there’s fire in the furnace’!

    ‘Ha!  Well, our furnace hasn’t worked since…Eisenhower‘!

    ‘With him, there’s always Good News & Bad News: Mr. Wonderful can find the John in the middle of the night…but can’t unbuckle his frigin’ Red Suit in time’!

    ‘He’ll find out you don’t always get what you want & I’ve got millions of Wish Lists here to prove it: Little Johnny wants a Doll, Little Susie wants a Truck & Marilyn Sands wants him to read her funny new book “CAN YOU PEE OUTDOORS?” On-Line Dating Straight Lines found on Amazon’!  

    I’m sorry!  haha

    ‘Lookie, lookie – I found my poor little dear’s Dating Profile in his sock drawer next to his Viagra!  Looks like he has 2 ‘About Me’ lists – one he posted & another in case the first one doesn’t work!

    ‘Help me decide if he’s ‘Naughty or Nice’ & whether I should take him back ‘as is’!

    • JOLLY
    • DRIVE AT NIGHT
    • WORK FROM HOME 364 DAYS A YEAR!
    • DON’T EXERCISE! Okay – get in sleigh, get out of sleigh!
    • WON’T RELOCATE – but know how to stack wood!
    • WHEN I SAY I’M OUT BOWLING – I’m out bowling!
    • ONCE HAD A FLING WITH THE TOOTH FAIRY!
    • LOVE ME SOME LAP DANCES!
    • HAVE KIDS, DON’T WANT KIDS – don’t want your kids!
    • LIKE TO RUN AROUND THE HOUSE NAKED WEARING TINSEL!
    • SMELL LIKE AN ASHTRAY!
    • WILL SHAVE MY BELOVED BEARD OFF IN EXCHANGE FOR – well, a truly benevolent gesture!

    ‘Oh look – my honey has only one deal breaker’!

    ‘He loves me’!

    Kris KringleKris Kringle

    Marilyn SandsMarilyn Sands
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  • Saving Face: 10 Easy Suggestions! – Marilyn Sands, Humor Times

    Saving Face: 10 Easy Suggestions! – Marilyn Sands, Humor Times

    saving face

    Fights break out in Congress as Jim Jordan tries saving face by ordering a Half-Nelson/Half Baloney on a cute bun!

    saving facesaving face

    TOP 10 EASY SUGGESTIONS for SAVING FACE:

    10.  YOU CAN’T!  Your past proceeds you!

    9.   WRESTLE YOUR WIFE FOR THE ARSENIC!

    Gym JordanGym Jordan

       8.  ADMIT THAT PINOCCHIO IS YOUR FAVORITE DWARF!

    7.   SUCK IT UP & JUST TAKE THAT MEN’S ROOM ATTENDANT’S GIG!

    saving face, wash handssaving face, wash hands

    6.   ENLIST IN THE ISRAELI ARMY!

    5.   REWIND JAN 6TH CAPITOL RIOT VIDEO & THIS TIME WATCH IT WITHOUT POPCORN!

    4.   KISS TRUMP’S RING ONE MORE TIME & WHILE YOU’RE DOWN – CHECK THE OIL!

       3.   WRITE YOUR OWN FRIGGIN’ TOP 10 LIST!

    I am not running out of ideas!  haha

    2.   ASK GIULIANI FOR BEST WHISKEY RECOMMENDATIONS!

    Well, maybe I am!

    AND the #1 ‘Save Face’ Suggestion: 

    ADMIT YOUR REAL PENIS SIZE!

    saving face, penis sizesaving face, penis size

    Marilyn SandsMarilyn Sands
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