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Tag: Kelly-Jayne McGlynn

  • 5 Practical Ways to Initiate Deeper Spiritual Friendships

    5 Practical Ways to Initiate Deeper Spiritual Friendships

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    We all want deep, godly friendships like Jonathan and David had, who were so close that the Bible tells us their souls were knit together! (1 Sam 18:1). But two big obstacles stand in the way: awkwardness and time constraints.

    You might find you have the time to invest in people around you, but bringing up God just doesn’t feel natural. If you do have people in your life that you feel comfortable sharing vulnerably with, it can be difficult to find the time. Or you might be running up against both obstacles in your life–and hard.

    Friendships where you both are genuinely helping each other to find strength in God take time to form, and there’s no shame in not being there yet. But the fact we live in this day and age actually does afford us some upsides, and with the technology and vast resources available to us, there are many ways we can initiate getting deeper in our friendships.

    I have been lucky enough to have put most of these tips into action just in the last few months, and the fruit of it in my friendships and walk with God has been so sweet. The majority of my close friendships happen to be long-distance, which has meant I’ve had to get creative with staying in touch with my friends in a meaningful way. I wanted to do more than just catch up with them every few months–I wanted to continue learning from each other as we walk with God.

    At the same time, the small ministry I am a part of at my church has been growing in their intentionality too, so I am stealing a few of their ideas as well. Wonderful things happen when people are committed to growing in their relationships with God together!

    These tips could apply to one-on-one relationships, small groups, or your whole ministry. Read over each one and pray for God to show you opportunities to put them into practice. You might be surprised who is interested in doing one or more of these with you, and God will surely move!

    1. Listen to and Discuss a Podcast Series Together

    I put my favorite tip up top because I have found this to be so effective in my life. What you do is this: Pick a specific podcast series or topic to find podcasts on, pitch it to a friend, small group, or ministry group, and agree to listen to an episode once a week or once every other week (virtually is just great).

    Of course, you could meet more or less often than that–but I wouldn’t recommend going more than two weeks without meeting for the sake of momentum. And you don’t have to necessarily listen to the podcast at the same time as each other unless you want to.

    I think the reason this tip works so well is because it is fairly low-lift for both parties and because there are so many options available. Podcasts are free; you can listen to them while you are working out, doing chores, or doing other life things, and they are absolutely rich with points of discussion.

    There are literally hundreds of spiritual podcasts to choose from, but my favorites to discuss are The Bible Project, The BEMA Podcast, and Wild at Heart.

    All three of the above options have series dedicated to different themes, so you can agree to meet just for those 3-5 episodes, or what have you. This way, no one feels like they HAVE to commit to something long term, but can grow in a concentrated way for a short period of time.

    It might be so mutually beneficial, though, that you’ll want to keep going!

    Recently, one of my best friends and I went through the Bible Project’s series about generosity because we’ve both been struggling with feeling abundance in our life. It was so helpful to process what was both encouraging and challenging from what we were learning. And because we met every week, we could see how the material applied to our lives in fresh ways.

    2. Read a Daily Devotional Together

    There’s nothing more helpful to build a new habit than to have some accountability. Reading a daily devotional is a goal for many Christians, but it doesn’t have to be done alone. Whether it’s a physical book or a digital series you are going through, having someone to talk to about what you’re reading can not only help you to do it to begin with, but make your study so much richer and your friendship that much deeper.

    I would recommend YouVersion’s Bible app. This isn’t just a Bible app, but a devotional app as well! They have so many plans to choose from, including options for shorter and longer reading plans.

    You can pick a 3-day devotional to read with a friend, text about what you’re getting out of it each day, and if it’s helping you both, pick a longer one. You could study out a particular topic, like anxiety, or a particular Bible study, like a Gospel book.

    This app even has a setting where you can invite friends to do the devotional with you and send reminders to read! Pick a topic, study it out, and either discuss your findings every day or at the end of the series.

    Last Christmas, my women’s small group wasn’t feeling very merry and joyful like we felt we were supposed to be feeling, so we picked a series about the hope that baby Jesus brought with him. It was a special experience we all still talk about to this day!

    Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/Finn Hafemann 

    3. Read a Spiritual Book Together

    This is similar to the devotional tip but more long-term. Books can take months to go through, especially if you’re just discussing one chapter a week–but that can be such a great thing. This longer time gives all of you a chance to see deep change happen and have more opportunities to walk together as friends.

    Many Christian books have a workbook attached to them, like Emotionally Healthy Spirituality. They come up with discussion questions for you, so no one is burdened. It’s just up to you to decide how many pages to read, how often you want to meet, and how you want to do it.

    My out-of-town friend and I are reading through a book about wholeness right now, and it could not have come at a better time. We read a chapter or two, Facetime each other every Sunday night, and process what we got out of it and what we want to keep focusing on. I can feel our friendship deepen already as we truly walk with each other as sisters in Christ.

    4. Study Out a Difficult Topic Together

    The Bible isn’t black and white, as much as we may want to pretend it is. That means there are big, huge gray areas that affect our daily spirituality without clear answers.

    Big topics like gender roles, homosexuality, and social injustice are topics that are so vast and so volatile that it can be overwhelming to study out on your own. Part of me wonders if God did this on purpose so that we would have to rely on each other to wrestle and come to conclusions!

    If you or people you know are struggling with a hot-button topic like these, see if they would be willing to discuss it with you. It isn’t about changing anybody’s mind or pushing an agenda, but rather about engaging in scripture the way it was meant to be – together!

    My ministry is currently studying out homosexuality together. We’ve been meeting once every other week or so, eating a meal together, and then going through scriptures where homosexuality is mentioned. We research the culture in which it was written and share our own personal beliefs and experiences. And it has been so wonderful!

    Even if we all come to different conclusions or no conclusion at all, we can have confidence that the Spirit worked in us as a group to bring closeness and revelation of scripture. It has taken a lot of courage and vulnerability to go here as a ministry, but we’re all better for it.

    5. Play Relational Bingo

    As cheesy as this idea may sound, it was actually so encouraging for my ministry to do together this past month. The idea is this:

    Everyone gets a “bingo” card with various challenges on it to foster spiritual depth. The challenges can be things like “Text someone an encouraging scripture,” “Host a meal,” “Open up about a current struggle,” or “Go for a prayer walk with someone.” Have the people in your ministry come up with the challenges together and mark them off as they go. 

    Whoever the first person is to get “Bingo!” by marking off challenges on their card, wins! The prize could be anything from bragging rights to a free meal.

    If you want your small group or ministry to grow in relational depth, this is such a fun way to start it.

    For my ministry, this game didn’t turn everyone into best friends in two weeks. But it did give us reasons to get together with new people, reminders to think of others when we read our Bibles, and ideas of how to build one another up. If nothing else, it was just encouraging to see everyone on board towards a common goal.

    I hope these ideas spark something in you. Become a really good listener and open your ears to opportunities to intentionally grow in something with someone. Not everyone can make the time at every stage of life, but God will provide exactly who you need! And with all of the amazing resources out there, you will certainly find something to help you grow. The Holy Spirit is good that way. 

    Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/pixelheadphoto 

    Kelly-Jayne McGlynn is a former editor at Crosswalk.com. She sees the act of expression, whether through writing or art, as a way to co-create with God and experience him deeper. Check out her handmade earrings on Instagram and her website for more of her thoughts on connecting with God through creative endeavors.

    LISTEN: Being Complete in Jesus (Understanding Matthew 5:21-48)

    Hearing Jesus is a devotional journey through the gospels, where we explore the teachings of Jesus chapter by chapter. If you’re seeking to live a life that reflects God’s, this podcast is for you.

    The views and opinions expressed in this podcast are those of the speakers and do not necessarily reflect the views or positions of Salem Web Network and Salem Media Group.

    WATCH: 10 Sins Christians Downplay (and Why They’re So Destructive)

    Stock Footage & Music Courtesy of Soundstripe.com Thumbnail by Getty Images

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  • 3 Things to Do When Your Husband’s Love Isn’t Enough

    3 Things to Do When Your Husband’s Love Isn’t Enough

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    Our God loves to show himself to us by earthly things–and by how these earthly things fall short. He shows us his heart through a sunset or a good meal at the same time as pointing us to heaven by these earthly things being temporary.

    I think he does the same thing through marriage. He shows us Himself by the times that our husbands reach our hearts in exactly the way we need him to. And then he shows us who he is again when our husbands fall short. Both scenarios are good when they bring us to God.

    So when your husband fails to speak to your heart the way you need, let that be a signal and sweet reminder to let God speak to your heart instead.

    Because God is your ultimate romancer. The most thoughtful lover. The best friend anyone could imagine. He loves us in a way our husbands never could–or were ever meant to!

    Take these Scriptures, for example:

    Psalm 56:8 (NLT): You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.

    Sometimes our husbands don’t know what to say when we’re crying. (Sometimes, they don’t even notice!) But God cares so deeply about the things that move us that he collects our tears and records each one in his scroll. Now that is someone who cares about you as deeply as you need.

    Psalm 139:1-4 (NLT): O Lord, you have examined my heart

    and know everything about me.

    You know when I sit down or stand up.

    You know my thoughts even when I’m far away.

    You see me when I travel

    and when I rest at home.

    You know everything I do.

    You know what I am going to say

    even before I say it, Lord.

    Your God sees you. He knows you. He knows every little quirk you have, every preference, and every fear. Your husband does his best to know you and to read your mind, but God knows every thought before it even forms! Your husband might forget your favorite to-go order or to take off work for your birthday, but God has these details memorized. He sees every part of you and declares it very good.

    Isaiah 54:5 (NLT): For your Creator will be your husband; the LORD of Heaven’s Armies is his name! He is your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel, the God of all the earth.

    Our husbands love us dearly. They may be very sacrificial. They may create many things for you. But the bigger picture is that The God of all the earth is your husband! He created the earth (and every pink sky). He commands angels to protect you. He sent his son to redeem you from death.

    Therefore, God is infinitely worth leaning on in those moments where our husband innocently misses us. Or even when it’s not innocent. God is there.

    Pray, journal, and worship your true husband–whatever your heart needs to feel comforted and seen by your lover who will never disappoint you.

    It might be helpful to have a few “emergency Scriptures” on hand for the next time you feel rejected by your husband. Not only will these calm you down in the moment, but they’ll help you to see your husband more clearly. And encourage you to love him in the way that he needs, too!

    Photo credit: ©Getty Images/Milko

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    Kelly-Jayne McGlynn

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  • Marriage Isn’t the Finish Line, Heaven Is

    Marriage Isn’t the Finish Line, Heaven Is

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    One of my oldest friends called me the other day to ask her how to “get from Point A to Point B” in her dating relationship. When I asked her what she meant, she said, “Marriage just seems so impossible. So far away. I’ve tried so many times to go from dating to marriage, and it fails every time. So how did you get there?”

    I could totally appreciate her question. It’s not uncommon in the world or the Church. In our culture that views marriage as the end-all-be-all, and relationships like performances, it makes perfect sense that she would wonder how to get to the “finish line.”

    But that’s when it dawned on me that marriage isn’t the finish line, heaven is! I laughed a little and told her, “I’m nowhere near Point B. When my husband and I are on our deathbeds, and we’ve managed to help each other stay close to God, then maybe that’s when I’d be nearing Point B. So, ‘succeeding’ in dating isn’t really the point, anyway.”

    If you’re single, and feeling much the same way as my friend, let me invite you to view marriage a bit differently. It will take the pressure off of you to “earn” marriage and help you see prospective spouses much more clearly.

    Let’s break this down:

    Why Marriage Isn’t the Finish Line

    There are many beautiful reasons that God created the gift of marriage.

    Support and partnership: “The Lord God said, ‘It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.’” Genesis 2:18

    Companionship: “Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor… Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone?” Ecclesiastes 4:9

    Enjoyment and intimacy: “Let your fountain be blessed, and take pleasure in the wife of your youth. She is a loving deer, a graceful doe. Let her breasts satisfy you always. May you always be captivated by her love.” Proverbs 5:18-19

    There are, of course, many more. (Here is a great article on this topic where I got these ideas!)

    Ultimately, God uses marriage to continually refine our characters to be more like Jesus to help get us to heaven. It is his will that all of his children will come to repentance in order to be with him (2 Peter 3:9). And if you’ve been a Christian for any period, you understand the fight to stay repentant!

    So, one of the ways that God keeps us in his fold is through marriage. We see this in Ephesians 5:25-27: “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.”

    Marriage helps to make us holy. And that, fortunately, or unfortunately, does not happen the second we get married!

    Related: Why Did God Create Marriage in the First Place?

    Your Wedding Day Is Just the Beginning

    Every aspect of a thriving, healthy, godly marriage takes time. No matter how much you prepare for marriage in premarital counseling or otherwise, you don’t say “I do” as a perfect human being. Marriage is a long, refining process.

    About this refinement, John Eldredge has this to say in his and his wife’s book, Love and War: Finding the Marriage You’ve Dreamed Of, “We are, all of us, utterly committed and deeply devoted to our ‘style,’ our ‘way,’ our ‘approach to life.’ We have absolutely no intention of giving it up. Not even for love. So God creates an environment where we have to. It’s called marriage.”

    Marriage is a relationship where all your ugly character flaws are seen in full display. Where someone is finally around you long enough to notice that your ‘personality quirk’ is actually just selfishness, and it’s also where you have someone to share your daily victories with and who can point out how much you’ve grown, even when you can’t see it yourself!

    The point is that marriage is a process with one end goal in mind: Partnering with each other to live godly lives here and eternal lives in heaven.

    It would be such a shame if the wedding day was it, and all growth stopped after the cake was cut. If you had to look at your spouse and say, “Now what…?” But thankfully, God has the perfect plan.

    I explained to my friend that marriage is like a boat you both are paddling on, trying to get to the other shore. Yes, talking, dating, and courting brought you to the shore where you start this journey–but there’s still a lot of water between where you are and your final destination, where you’re both in heaven. The question is, are they a good rowing partner? Do you want them in that boat with you? Are they going to make getting to the other shore easier or harder?

    That, I think, is much more the purpose of dating. Not to succeed in your relationship so you can get married as the end goal–but that you feel confident enough with someone to start the journey towards heaven with them.

    What Should You Look for in a “Rowing” Partner?

    Photo credit: ©Getty Images/g-stockstudio

    There are 1,000 different good things you could look for in a partner, but here is a good starting point and questions to ask yourself:

    God is at the center: Do you bring out the best in each other spiritually? Do you point each other to rely on God and not just each other? Do they teach you things about God explicitly and/or through how lovingly they treat you?

    You have lots of fun: Are you excited to see them? Do they make the mundane things in life feel more fun? Do you laugh or smile more when you are with them? Do they make the heavy things in life feel lighter?

    You trust their character: Do they genuinely apologize when they hurt you? Have you seen consistent growth in their character? Are they committed to improving their spiritual lives? Do they respect your boundaries?

    Communication is healthy: Do they listen to you without getting defensive, or apologize when they do get defensive? Do they consider you in what they do? Are you able to thoroughly work through conflict without resentment, even if you need outside help? Do they calm you when you discuss things, or do they make you feel more stressed?

    You’re good at partnering: Do you work together well when you have a common project? Do you respect each other’s opinions? Do you complement each other’s strengths and weaknesses? Do you see a future together where you’re both building toward something meaningful and Spirit-led?

    Each one of these aspects is crucial to not just getting to the other shore but enjoying life while you get there.

    Marriage is a wonderful, wonderful gift. But it is by no means the end goal. If it were, what would we need God for?

    Marriage shows us how much we need God to love us as unconditionally as he does. So before you hop into a boat with someone just because they make you feel good or will look good in your wedding pictures, consider how the rest of the journey will go. 

    And–likewise–if you’re standing at the shore with someone, but feel really confident in all of the above areas, pray to discern if God is looking at you, thinking, “What are they waiting for?” You don’t have to be perfect to get married or have to earn it.

    But remember, no matter if you get married or remain single, God is with you every step of the way to heaven.

    Photo credit: ©Unsplash/Pablo Heimplatz

    Kelly-Jayne McGlynn is a former editor at Crosswalk.com. She sees the act of expression, whether through writing or art, as a way to co-create with God and experience him deeper. Check out her handmade earring Instagram and Etsy for more of her thoughts on connecting with God through creative endeavors.

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  • How to Embrace the Awkwardness of Your Small Group

    How to Embrace the Awkwardness of Your Small Group

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    Oh, did you think you were the only one that has an awkward small group? A small group that dutifully meets together very regularly, but still feels like strangers? A small group that looks like a motley crew of completely different backgrounds, interests, maturity levels, or availability? 

    Well, rest assured, you are not the only one who is experiencing this. Sometimes small groups just “click,” and that’s great. But for the groups that don’t click, there is so much hope. It isn’t because you’re doing anything wrong if your group is like this–in fact, it is very within God’s character to make the most beautiful relationships come from the most unlikely circumstances!

    Take the Tower of Babel, for instance (Genesis 11). God didn’t confuse all the people’s languages so that they couldn’t build the tower that they wanted to. God confused their language so that they could build the tower the right way–by seeing one another’s very different perspectives!

    So, if your group feels stale, shallow, or just plain awkward, try these 4 practicals to pump lots of love and patience into your group, and see what God can do!

    1. Embrace the Awkwardness

    You know that within the church body, we’re supposed to be as close as family. So it can be tempting to grin and pretend like your group feels super close, or to feel embarrassed that it doesn’t.

    But there’s nothing to be embarrassed about. Relationships are hard and they take time. So instead of faking family or giving up altogether–just embrace where you are!

    Take a look at your group and ask yourself, if they didn’t have God in common, would any of you naturally be friends? If the answer is no–what a glorifying situation for God to move in.

    That answer can also validate why it has been so tough to connect. So embrace that “no.” Give God the time and the room to forge lifelong friendships out of your current awkward silences. 

    Get comfortable being uncomfortable. What I’m saying is, acknowledge the awkwardness so you can move forward authentically and without shame. And then celebrate the awkwardness, because God is about to get so much glory!

    2. Plan Fun Times as Well as Spiritual Times

    One frustration for many small groups is that it feels like people just won’t open up. You want to be the vulnerable, open, loving community that God calls you to. But there’s awkward silence whenever there’s an open-ended question about Scripture or when you call for prayer requests. 

    Although it seems counterintuitive for a small group to have times together that aren’t focused on spiritual things, they may be just what your group needs in order to feel like they really know the people they’re with, and therefore open up!

    Some people need deep talks to be able to loosen up and have fun. But some people need to have fun before they trust people enough to be deep. So, planning spiritual times and fun times can help your group tremendously.

    Plus, this gives your group a chance to find common ground and love up on individual people. Even if someone’s interest feels totally awkward at first, it will become so fun if the group commits to it. 

    Does someone in your group really love obscure anime films that no one has else has ever heard of? Instead of shunning this person’s interest, explore it as a group. You’ll all have fun and bond over doing something new, and the person whose favorite movie it is will feel so special that their interests were paid attention and honored.

    Is there a person in your group who is really athletic, but the rest of the group isn’t? Plan a low-stress volleyball game or a bowling night. You’ll start to see where your venn diagram of interests overlaps, the more new things you try.

    Take advantage, of course, when these times do provide you with the opportunity to share something you’re learning from the Bible or a prayer request you have. But let your group blow off some steam and bond together as full people, just like you would your family!

    3. Initiate, Initiate, Initiate

    Ah, what a wonderful world it would be if every relationship you were in met you 50/50. Or, even better, everyone reached out to you! But unfortunately, that’s just not how the real world works.

    People are busy. People are worried about their families, their finances, their dogs. As much as they might love to know you, they will never get a chance to unless you reach out. That’s just reality.

    So, don’t take it personally if no one in your small group is reaching out to spend time with you or get to know you as a person. Chances are, they really would like to, but week after week gets away from them. So pick up the phone!

    And do it again. And again. And again.

    Relationships take a lot of time and a lot of effort. This is a beautiful thing, because it’s how God loves us, without expecting anything back. So, as much as you can tolerate it while still taking care of yourself and getting your relational needs met elsewhere, reach out without expecting anything in return.

    If you know someone prefers to hang out one-on-one, ask them to meet you at their favorite coffee shop. If you know someone who likes bigger groups, plan a game night. Be like Jesus and meet people where they’re at. (And if you don’t know what people’s preferences are, just ask! That alone goes a long way).

    4. Commit to the Long Haul

    If you’re like me, you’re very tempted to want results right away. I’ll have one good conversation with someone, and then am frustrated when we’re not best friends. When this happens, I need to remember that good things take time.

    Relationships are one of the things that God has created that take a lot of time to grow. You don’t plant a seed and expect to eat a meal from it the next day. You don’t put $100 in a savings account and expect to be a millionaire by that night. Good. Things. Take. Time.

    To help you tolerate this, think of something really big that God has done in your life that took a lot of time. It could be all the sleepless nights you endured in order to get your degree. Or the number of diapers you had to change before your toddler was finally potty trained. Or all the phone calls you had to make before your girlfriend finally moved to your town to be with you. 

    The process feels excruciating, but the reward is wonderful. Relationships, especially for groups that don’t naturally have a lot in common, are the same way. 

    Resist the temptation to compare where you are now to where you were a week ago. Instead, think 6 months back, or a year ago! Are people at least smiling when they see each other, instead of shrugging? Is there at least a little bit of easy-going small talk that happens before the passage you’re discussing gets read?

    Soak in those little victories and feel confident that God is not done with your group yet. 

    You’re not doing anything wrong. You’re not less spiritual or less worthy. You’re just a group of humans that needs lots of time, love, and patience, just like everyone else.

    So, try to enjoy the process as you embrace the awkward. It’s about to get really good.

    Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/AndreyPopov

    Kelly-Jayne McGlynn is a former editor at Crosswalk.com. She sees the act of expression, whether through writing or art, as a way to co-create with God and experience him deeper. Check out her handmade earring Instagram and Etsy for more of her thoughts on connecting with God through creative endeavors.

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  • 3 Ways God Protects Women in the Design of Sex

    3 Ways God Protects Women in the Design of Sex

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    This article is for women who have had negative sexual experiences and traumas and need reassurance and hope that God sees them and protects them, even in the act of sex itself. 

    Personally, I think God knew how scary sex could be when he created it, especially for women, since we are (typically) physically weaker and historically more dependent on our husbands —and therefore more likely to be taken advantage of. Truthfully, sex is vulnerable for everyone. But the beautiful thing is that God put up safeguards in the design of sex to ensure that his daughters are protected and given proper love and attention.

    Whether you are currently married, engaged, dating, or single, I pray that you find hope and healing in these acknowledgments of how beautifully God created sex and his protection of women therein so that you can find freedom.

    My Story

    I have been married for a whole nine months and have had to wrestle with so many fears around sex since my husband asked me to marry him last year.

    While I was engaged (and celibate), one of my bridesmaids and best friends was in town to help set up my bridal shower. She casually slid down onto the couch where I was sitting and abruptly asked me, “So, Kelly-Jayne, how does it feel that you’re about to have sex!?”

    She was single and genuinely curious about how I was feeling about my next stage in life. But with this simple question, I almost immediately began to cry. Sex, at this time, did not have a positive connotation for me. At all.

    Sex meant a lack of safety. It meant a loss of control. Sex, in my mind, was all about the man getting what he wanted, and the woman being used up and disposed of. It did not feel safe enough to talk about casually and sure as heck did not feel safe enough to experience.

    My negative sexual history with unloving men had led me to this extremely sensitive and fearful state. And even more than that, it was in the deep emotional processing of the fact that I was soon going to be sexually active that I remembered that I was molested as a child. I only share that detail with you to say that I get it.

    If you are like me and feel like sex equals fear rather than love, I understand. Sex is one of the most vulnerable experiences a human can have. That is why it is so beautiful. But it can also be so damaging when not enacted as God intends.

    God is the God who sees you (Genesis 16:13). You are not wrong, unfaithful, or weak for having fears around sex.

    But you can also be completely healed.

    For my healing journey in this area, I needed to know that God saw my pain and fears and that I wasn’t dumb for having them. I wasn’t broken just because I reacted to the idea of sex differently than other people would. Just because I had some extra healing work to do, didn’t mean that I didn’t trust God or didn’t love my husband.

    I just needed to reframe sex to think about it the way that God does, as a safe place. Maybe even the safe place.

    Sex as a Safe Place: A Replica of the Garden of Eden

    Fortunately, my husband and I received a lot of counseling in this arena before we got married. The wise couple who mentored us gave us a mental picture to hold onto: the marriage bed can be seen as a mini-Garden of Eden.

    In the Garden, “Adam and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame,” (Gen 2:25). We get to re-experience this state of being free of shame, totally vulnerable, totally visible, with nothing to hide when we experience sexual intimacy with our spouse.

    Another way that sexual intimacy is reflective of the Garden of Eden is that the best sexual experiences are the most selfless ones, where each partner is attuned to the desires and needs of the other. Surely, if we were still in the Garden, this is how we would always exist: completely selfless and giving to one another. Thankfully, we can practice this in the act of marriage.

    Hebrews 13:4 exhorts us to keep the marriage bed pure. How beautiful is it that the marriage bed is pure in the first place? Undefiled and innocent. Safe from anything that would debase it. It truly is a gift.

    Plus, I love that it’s called a marriage bed. Beds are a place of warmth, rest, and comfort. This is what God wants for our sexual experiences.

    Understanding that God designed the marriage bed to be a place of safety changed everything for me. And I believe that God underscores and proves this desire for his beloved daughters to feel safe through how he designed the very act of sex itself.

    Here are three ways that helped heal my view of sex through God’s inherent protection:

    1. Foreplay Necessitates That Wives Are Pursued Selflessly

    Foreplay provides time for the wife to be “wooed and won.” The act of intimacy can be painful or even impossible if her body has not been made ready for it through foreplay. Without the intimate kissing, thoughtful touching, cuddling, and closeness that foreplay provides – things that the wife needs to feel loved – actual intercourse might feel less connected, more domineering and less special overall. Either that or penetration might not be physically possible at all.

    I love that it’s almost like God put up this safeguard for women through the necessity of foreplay. The husband must slow down and be selfless towards his wife if intercourse is to be pleasurable and intimate.

    The Christian book Intended for Pleasure puts it this way: “Most women like to be wooed and won. Let the man indicate by the way he approaches his wife that he is demonstrating his love for her, not claiming sex as his right. The husband must be careful not to appear hurried, crude, rude, mechanical, or impatient!”

    It means so much to me to know that God creates a space for his precious daughters to be loved and pursued and that that pursuit is almost like it’s a prerequisite for sex to happen at all. God knows our need to be approached with affection and gentleness, so he wove that into the design of sex itself.

    2. The Way for a Husband to Increase His Wife’s Sex Drive Depends on His Own Selflessness

    It’s no secret that husbands typically have a stronger sex drive than their wives. Before I was engaged, I had unfortunately been exposed to many negative attitudes about this fact, and it made sex out to be a duty for women more than a delight.

    It seemed like the only two options were for the wife to grin and bear it or for the husband to bottle up his own needs and suffer through it instead. But luckily, I was able to stumble upon this passage from The Act of Marriage that highlights a beautiful third option:

    “The wise and loving husband will therefore learn as much as he can about this subject in order to bestow on his bride the greatest lovemaking experience possible for both her benefit and his own. The more he strives for her enjoyment, the more he will help to create in her a favorable and exciting attitude toward the relationship. And the more she enjoys it, the more she will welcome and take delight in it.”

    The world makes it seem like the sex drive of the husband drives him right towards impurity and a caveman attitude. But God’s design is to usher this sex drive towards greater joy for his wife and greater union between the two of them. How beautiful is that?

    I felt so protected and special to God when I read this for the first time. God’s design for sex is for both partners to be uplifted and given to! And he makes it so that the most satisfying relationship is one where the wife is also given attention and honor. Selflessness on the husband’s part is 100 percent necessary for this to happen, or he loses out, too.

    3. God Celebrates Women Through Sexual Climax

    I know, I know, you might be blushing by now while reading this. But pleasure is nothing to be ashamed of. As the book title suggests, we were intended for it! And the well-known, biological fact that women have the capacity to experience multiple orgasms within a single session, while males can only experience one, makes me feel really special to God.

    There isn’t any scripture to back me up on this, but this is how I interpret this fact: it’s almost like a counterbalance to men’s stronger sex drive. Yes, they may be driven to initiate intercourse more often, partially out of pleasure for themselves, but God makes it so it isn’t all about them.

    This isn’t as much physical protection as it is protecting your attitude. I feel God’s heart to give women special attention and care by creating women’s ability to achieve multiple orgasms. It ensures the spotlight is shared and reads to me like a little wink from God, ensuring his daughters feel pampered and beautiful.

    Every orgasm is also a chance for the wife to feel special and connected to her husband, naturally helping her to trust him more and more. As I’ve said, God knew that sex could be scary – and every time a wife reaches climax, she feels relaxed and grateful for the love shown to her. It is so kind of God to increase this capacity for women because he knew we would need it to trust our husbands increasingly.

    There is much more to be said about the spiritual implications of sexual intimacy and how to heal from sexual wounds, but I hope these thoughts give you a starting point for trusting God. I believe he went out of his way to design sex with protections for women in mind. He sees you, and he loves you! And wants nothing more than for you to feel pursued, special, and safe at all times – especially in an area so vulnerable as intimacy.

    Photo Credit: ©Annette Sousa HW/Unsplash

    Kelly-Jayne McGlynn is a former editor at Crosswalk.com. She sees the act of expression, whether through writing or art, as a way to co-create with God and experience him deeper. Check out her handmade earring Instagram and Etsy for more of her thoughts on connecting with God through creative endeavors.

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    Kelly-Jayne McGlynn

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