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  • What Does Spiritual Leadership in Marriage Look Like?

    What Does Spiritual Leadership in Marriage Look Like?

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    Our God is orderly. He created our world, ordered the hours, days, months, and seasons. God was intentional about His design of everything. He left us His guidebook, so we know how to order our days.

    In His design, He ordained the beautiful thing we call a family. (Genesis 2:18-25) He created order within marriage and assigned roles to family members. In this article, we will look at spiritual leadership’s role and why it is important.

    What Does the Bible Say About Spiritual Leadership?

    Let’s look at a couple of verses in the Bible to guide us on this topic.

    Ephesians 5:22 states, “Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church.”

    Paul writes in 1 Corinthians 11:3, “But I want you to realize that the head of every man is Christ, and head of the women is man, and the head of the Christ is God.”

    Lastly, Colossians 3:18-19 says, “Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them.”

    The Bible says the man should lead his wife. That doesn’t mean he has more value than his wife. Dale Partridge, Pastor and founder of Relearn church, uses the phrase, “equal value, different role.” Men and women have equal value in God’s eyes, yet a different role to fulfill.

    Marriage is a partnership. A healthy, thriving couple seeking God values each other’s strengths and input. A godly biblical leader seeks advice from his trusted council. The purpose of marriage is to glorify God and have an opportunity to exhibit how Christ loves the church. The Bible clearly states the man should be leading the house. If we look to Jesus as our model, a true leader exhibits humility, compassion, love, forgiveness, protection, provision, gentleness, and more. That said, no husband will lead their wife or family perfectly because we are all sinners, and they are not Jesus.

    What Does Spiritual Leadership Look Like?

    I think some people have a misunderstanding of what spiritual leadership looks like. They envision a power hunger husband bossing around his wife and kids. This is the opposite of true spiritual leadership. A man leading his family biblically is about being in a right relationship with the Lord. It’s about the husband reading his Bible, humbly seeking the Lord in all that he does. Most importantly, it’s a man fearing the Lord. “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom.” (Proverbs 9:10)

    A godly man knows he is accountable for his wife and kids when he gets to heaven. He is responsible for teaching them, guiding them, making wise decisions, serving them, and loving them well. He is to protect them at all costs. When you understand this correctly, it’s a massive responsibility God has put on the head of the house. It’s a huge honor and a task with great importance that men need to take seriously. A man seeking the Lord through reading the Bible and prayer will be convicted and led by the Lord. “I love those who love me, and those who seek me find me.” (Proverbs 8:18)

    A husband who is leading his marriage strives to be a good communicator. He values his wife’s opinion, serves her, and prays for her. He serves her not because she deserves it but rather because that’s the role God assigned to him. If you look to the Bible for an example of spiritual leadership, I think of Abraham, who led his wife on a journey trusting in God for every need. God blessed their family because of Abraham’s great faith.

    Men and Their Role in Spiritual Leadership

    As discussed above, husbands have an instrumental role in leading their wives. I realize that stepping up to this role is challenging, exhausting, and doesn’t come with many short-term rewards. This job requires steadfastness, persistence, and God’s strength and wisdom. Regardless of the difficulty, this world desperately needs men to step into their role as the spiritual leader of their marriage and family. A marriage and a family need leadership. If the husband doesn’t step up, the spouse will fill the role and remain out of order until the positions are reoriented.

    This happened in our own house. Before my husband and I truly understood our roles, I was constantly vying for leadership in our home. It’s a natural fleshly desire to want to take over leadership, especially as a strong-willed, independent woman. Our house has run more smoothly and peacefully as my husband and I continually seek the Lord and better understand our roles. When you stay within God’s design for marriage, things don’t always work out perfectly, but there is an unexplainable harmony, a beautiful dance that occurs.

    Men who are sitting back, letting others lead their wives and families, need to take the reins. Yes, it will mean more work and responsibility, but it’s a job that’s been assigned to them by our Heavenly Father. This job is of utmost importance, and it’s a job they’ve been created to fulfill. Genesis 2 defines the man’s role to work and keep. A godly man provides stability and security that is needed in his home. He nurtures the heart and the mind of his wife and children. If every man and dad knew how impactful their role is, our world might be a different place.

    Photo credit: ©Unsplash/Ben White

    Why Is Spiritual Leadership Important in Marriage?

    A ship sails aimlessly about without a captain, a classroom turns to chaos without a teacher, and a company needs a CEO to make final decisions. A married couple and a family need a leader. They need a guide who is seeking the Lord’s guidance in this sinful world. “I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go.” (Psalm 32:8)

    Spiritual leaders guide and direct the ship. They look out for potential danger ahead. They make sure everyone aboard is safe, and their needs are met. If trouble arises (as it always does), they develop a plan to solve the problem. They take advice from their shipmates and constantly provide encouragement. They develop the best route to get to their destination. They ensure the ship stays on course and are responsible for everyone getting safely to their destination.

    Sally Clarkson has a quote pertinent to this topic, “In the absence of biblical conviction, people will go the way of culture.” Meaning, if a couple is not actively working to have the right relationship with the Lord, their decisions will be heavily influenced by culture. By not deciding to lead your marriage actively, you are deciding to let others lead your house by default.

    A solid biblical leader will not take their role for granted or boast about their knowledge. Instead, they will model the ultimate servant leader Jesus and make sure He is aboard the ship. They will acknowledge their shortcomings, repent, and ask for help.

    How Can a Wife Support Her Husband in Spiritual Leadership?

    How can a wife support her husband as he leads their family? Or, if your husband is not stepping into this role, what can you do?

    The Bible says in Proverbs 21:9, “Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife.” Based on this verse, a wife cannot nag, coerce, or argue her way to force her husband to spiritually lead them. Only God can change hearts, but there are a few things a wife can do. The first is prayer. The word pray is used 313 times in the King James Bible. Psalms 37:4 tells us, “Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.” Pray a specific Scripture for your husband’s heart to be turned to Jesus every day. I am talking about consistent, heart-felt prayers you say for years.

    I have been praying Isaiah 11:2-5 for my husband for over five years. I take God’s words and insert my husband’s name to personalize the prayer. “May the Spirit of the Lord rest on Jonathan, give him a Spirit of wisdom and of understanding, a Spirit of counsel and of might, the Spirit of the knowledge and fear of the Lord – that he will delight in the fear of the Lord.”

    Photo credit: ©Pexels/Luis Quintero

    You can encourage your husband to be in groups and build relationships with other solid Christian men, preferably an older man who has experience with marriage and family. Let him speak truth into your husband. Pray your husband’s ears and heart are open to this man’s advice. You can model healthy habits by reading your Bible and having your prayer time.

    Respect goes a long way in a marriage, especially with men. If you are frustrated with his lack of leadership, lovingly communicate your desires, but respect him regardless. Give him time to grow into this role. The culture doesn’t teach men how to spiritually lead; if anything, the opposite. Be patient with him, and never stop praying!

    A husband seeking God and truly leading his wife and children biblically is a beautiful thing. The house is in order. “He rewards those who earnestly seek him.” (Hebrews 11:6) The role of a spiritual leader is a critical one, and it’s being attacked by culture. In today’s climate, men are backing down from the job for many good reasons, but the Christian community is paying the price. We need husbands accepting and committed to the role God designed for them. We need them leading their wives and children. We need husbands fearing less in what others think of them and fearing more in the Lord.

    Photo credit: ©iStock/Getty Images Plus/Carolyn Horlings

    Katie Kennedy headshotKatie T. Kennedy lives in Richmond, VA. She is married to a wonderful husband Jonathan and they have three girls. She is a writer, blogger, and employee of the family business. After a mid-life spiritual transformation, she discovered her love of writing. She loves to travel, read, be in nature, cook, and dream.  She would love to connect with you online at www.katietkennedy.com, Instagram or Facebook.

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    The views and opinions expressed in this podcast are those of the speakers and do not necessarily reflect the views or positions of Salem Web Network and Salem Media Group.

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  • 5 Tips for Dealing with a Narcissistic Mother-in-Law

    5 Tips for Dealing with a Narcissistic Mother-in-Law

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    Every family is unique and has its own set of challenges. Part of our Christian journey is learning how to interact with different people. When it comes to families, there is no perfect family.

    This article deals with the specific challenge of interacting with a narcissistic mother-in-law. When we marry our spouse, we have the privilege of joining someone else’s family. There will be good times and obstacles with every family. Facing the challenges will be a growth opportunity. We can set boundaries and expectations, but ultimately it is God who can change them. Let’s look at how we can best interact with a narcissist mother-in-law.

    How Do Narcissistic People Act?

    The Mayo Clinic describes narcissistic personality disorder as a “condition in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, troubled relationships, and a lack of empathy for others. But behind this mask of extreme confidence lies a fragile self-esteem that’s vulnerable to the slightest criticism. People with narcissistic personality disorder may be generally unhappy and disappointed when they’re not given the special favors or admiration they believe they deserve. They may find their relationships unfulfilling, and others may not enjoy being around them.”

    A narcissist will struggle to have deep relationships in their life, family, work, friends. Psychology Today states a narcissist has “a hunger for appreciation or admiration, a desire to be the center of attention, and an expectation of special treatment reflecting perceived higher status.” The severity of the symptoms can vary from person to person but usually involves extreme self-focus, an inflated sense of self, and a strong desire for recognition and praise. A narcissist will have a consistent pattern of these behaviors that impact the relationships of those around them, including you.

    Awareness of this condition will help you better understand your mother-in-law. While you can still have a relationship with her, you must acknowledge and come to terms with the limitations of your relationship. You may need to reorient your expectations to set yourself up for success. Part of this might be grieving the relationship you hoped to have and being more prepared for the journey ahead.

    1. Communicate with Your Spouse about Your Mother-in-Law

    If your mother-in-law is a narcissist, one of the key strategies in managing your relationship with her will be strong, healthy communication with your husband. Your husband will always love his mother, as he should. His actions and words may at times be defensive if you try to call his attention to her grandiose self-importance. When you grow up in an environment, it’s hard to spot negative patterns until someone from the outside points them out to you. Be gentle as you navigate these conversations. “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” (Proverbs 15:1)

    If you and your husband are on the same page, it will make for a less stressful situation when dealing with your mother-in-law. If your husband sees her unhealthy patterns and how they impact her relationships, you can work together to deal with the situation as a couple. You can be a team, a united front. If you are not on the same page about your mother-in-law’s narcissism, it will be more challenging but even more critical for you and your husband to communicate on the matter. Discuss how the relationship with her impacts your marriage or family, then consider seeing a Christian counselor together if it’s constantly causing conflict between you.

    Prayer is extremely impactful. If the two of you can pray together for the relationship, this is a beautiful way to bring you closer and turn the problem over to God. Knowing our limitations is a wonderful thing and draws us closer to God.

    2. Set Boundaries with Your Narcissistic Mother-in-Law

    “Made in the image of God, we were created to take responsibility for certain tasks. Part of taking responsibility, or ownership, is knowing what is our job, and what isn’t. Workers who continually take on duties that aren’t theirs will eventually burn out. It takes wisdom to know what we should be doing and what we shouldn’t. We can’t do everything. Any confusion of responsibilities and ownership in our lives is a problem of boundaries” This exert is taken from the Boundaries book by Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend.

    Understanding boundaries and how they work takes time and practice but is well worth the effort. You must learn where you stop and where someone else begins. Lack of healthy boundaries can impact your work life, your home life, friends, and in this case, your extended family. If your mother-in-law is a narcissist, she probably doesn’t understand, nor respect, healthy boundaries. This means you need to learn about them and how to set them with her. She will resist and get angry when you first implement them. Expect pushback; that is part of the process.

    Learning how to set healthy boundaries with unhealthy people is critical. As discussed above, it’s also extremely important for you and your spouse to be on the same page about the boundaries you are setting individually and for your family. You are allowed to set the invisible property lines in your life, especially for unhealthy individuals. If you are struggling in this area, I highly recommend the Boundaries book so you can research this topic further.

    3. Set Realistic Expectations for Your Relationship with Your Mother-in-Law

    Sometimes we get grandiose ideas of how we are going to change someone. Our intentions are good, and our heart is in the right place; we have just forgotten one key component. It is God who changes hearts and people, not us. We can pray, we have control over our reactions and decisions, but we cannot change someone else. That is up to God.

    While this may sound like disappointing news, it’s actually very freeing. You are not responsible for changing other people. You can love and support them, but the actual change comes from God and them. If they choose not to change their ways or habits, you can’t force them. They must desire change in themselves and make an effort towards that action.

    Research shows that narcissists don’t change unless they want to. They must seek professional help with counseling or turn to God for help. This condition won’t dissolve overnight. Set realistic expectations for you and your spouse; otherwise, you will constantly be frustrated and emotionally exhausted. If you expect your mother-in-law to wake up a different person the next day, this is not setting you up for success. If you expect her to change her selfish ways because you have set a boundary or had a chat with her, you will remain frustrated.

    Most narcissists don’t see their behavior as a problem. Unless she becomes aware of how her narcissism is affecting others and desires to change, you will not see much change.

    4. Know Who You Are Before Dealing with Your Mother-in-Law

    When dealing with a narcissist, or any challenging relationship in your life, it helps to be confident in who you are in Christ. Otherwise, you have a great chance of being manipulated or constantly being on an emotional rollercoaster. Knowing who you are in Christ can help you deal with your narcissist mother-in-law. If your confidence and self-esteem rely on her approval, you will constantly feel inadequate.

    Matthew 22:37 says, “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.” Your first and most important relationship should be with the Lord, praising him, loving him, repenting to Him, and learning about Him. “In all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.” (Proverbs 3:6)

    Proper fear in the Lord brings knowledge. (Proverbs 1:7) Fearing the Lord and not your mother-in-law will help you stay focused on Him. The more you focus on Him, the less you will allow the turbulent waves of your mother-in-law to affect you.

    We often use a saying in our home, “water off a duck’s back.” Let the things other people say that may be hurtful or immature roll off our backs. We mainly use it with our kids, but adults can hear this advice as well. Brant Hansen, in his book Unoffendable, discusses this very topic. We are the ones that lose when we allow others’ comments to penetrate us deeply. We are better off if we can be unoffendable and let things roll off our backs. The healthier we are, the better equipped we are to deal with the unhealthy relationships in our life.

    5. Only God Can Change Your Narcissistic Mother-in-Law

    While this situation may feel all-consuming at times, remember everyone has difficult relationships in their life. The key is to face the challenge head-on, be honest about the issues, and learn how best to respond to each situation that comes your way.

    We have an amazing redeeming God who can create the most beautiful redemption stories. Don’t lose hope but remember the change in your mother-in-law is beyond your doing. Keep focusing on your relationship with God, and He will strengthen you.

    2 Corinthians 4:16-18 says, “Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.”

    Photo credit: ©Getty Images/fizkes

    Katie T. Kennedy lives in Richmond, VA. She is married to a wonderful husband Jonathan and they have three girls. She is a writer, blogger, and employee of the family business. After a mid-life spiritual transformation, she discovered her love of writing. She loves to travel, read, be in nature, cook, and dream.  She would love to connect with you online at www.katietkennedy.com, Instagram or Facebook.

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  • 4 Marriages in the Bible that Show Us What NOT to Do

    4 Marriages in the Bible that Show Us What NOT to Do

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    These two are the epitome of what not to do in a marriage. King Ahab followed his father’s footsteps in doing “evil in the sight of the Lord.” (1 Kings 16:30)

    Ahab marries Jezebel, the daughter of Ethbaal, king of the Sidonians.

    Ahab and Jezebel worship Baal and build an altar for him. “Ahab did more to provoke the Lord, the God of Israel, to anger than all the kings of Israel who were before him.” (1 Kings 16:33)

    Their worshiping of idols confused the people of Israel on who to worship, God or the idols.

    Jezebel adds murder to her list of sins by persecuting followers of the Lord and murdering His prophets. Thankfully, Obadiah saved one hundred prophets.

    Elijah confronts Ahab, challenging him to abandon the commandments of the Lord, and tells him to meet on Mount Carmel to see whose God is real. The Baal followers build a fire, cut up a bull, and wait for Baal to bring the flames. Of course, no fire comes.

    Elijah mocks them, builds an altar with twelve stones, puts a bull on top, adds water, and calls upon the Lord. The Lord responds by sending fire and consuming the burnt offering, the wood, stones, dust, and water. Elijah has the prophets of Baal killed, which doesn’t bode well with Jezebel when she finds out. She threatens to kill Elijah.

    Next, you have Naboth’s vineyard situation. Ahab covets (never a good habit) Naboth’s vineyard and tries to buy the land, but Naboth will not sell his father’s land. Ahab comes home sulking because he did not get his way. Jezebel doesn’t like seeing her husband pouting and forges letters on Ahab’s behalf, arranging for Naboth to be murdered.

    Ahab and Jezebel break most of the ten commandments. They spend most of their life not worshiping the Lord. Ahab is spared when he humbles himself before the Lord, but disaster still comes upon his house.

    In addition to their obvious larger sins, the learning for us today is to support our spouses and attempt to keep them from sinning. We want to encourage them in the Lord’s ways. Jezebel has sneaky, manipulative ways to her actions. We want to be honest and work together with our spouses, preventing each other from sinning.

    Photo credit: ©Getty Images/Peter Dennis

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