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  • 6 Steps to Stop Yourself from Enabling Grown Children

    6 Steps to Stop Yourself from Enabling Grown Children

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    Your daughter calls and says unless she comes up with $500, her only car—that she drives to work—will be repossessed. What she really means is that you need to come up with the money.

    Your son needs to stop drinking, but you know if you don’t go get the kids tonight, he’ll fall into a drunken stupor and the little ones will have to fend for themselves. You know you need to stop giving your children money and volunteering free babysitting, but how can you stand to watch them—or your grandkids—suffer?

    And how in the world did you get into this mess?

    The Difference between Helping and Enabling

    The first priority is to recognize the difference between helping and enabling your grown child. When an adult child is usually able to make good decisions and handle crises on their own, a call for help reflects a need for exactly that—help.

    But when an adult child rarely makes wise choices, or becomes mired in an addiction, they will want you to bail them out of every tight spot. Repeating the same basic scenario over and over means you are enabling them to continue dysfunctional behaviors.

    Perpetual enabling is called co-dependency. Wikipedia defines it as “a behavioral condition in a relationship where one person enables another person’s addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement.” The parent in this type of relationship feels a need to “fix” the child, even when they clearly aren’t taking any advice.

    The parent may also be afraid to be truthful about the situation for fear of hurting the child’s feelings or driving them away.

    In the beginning, during their teen years or early twenties, when they called with an urgent situation, it appeared the best option was for you to take care of it. But over time, you realize that they don’t seem to know how—or even desire—to take responsibility for their own choices and the consequences they bring.

    Codependent behaviors begin long before a teen becomes an adult, and they won’t end overnight. But as parents, we need to begin the process as soon as we recognize there is a problem. The good news is, there is help for recovery and change. Let’s take a look at six ways you can stop enabling your grown child.

    1. Be Honest with Yourself and Acknowledge the Role You Play

    As painful as this step is, nothing will change until you admit your own need. Yes, you want your child to love you. Yes, you’re afraid she’ll cut you off if you refuse to pay her debts. And yes, you have always come to the rescue, thereby relieving her of any need to take responsibility.

    There are many reasons the enabling pattern emerges. Psychologists would say it arises out of a parent’s need for affirmation. Maybe there was a past divorce after which your ex cast you in a negative light. One way you tried to fix that is by being the “helpful” parent. It’s possible your actions relieve a sense of guilt over difficulties in your marriage, even if you’re still wed.

    Some parents begin the “helicopter” parenting style when their child is a toddler, and by the time little Jeffy grows up, enabling is all they know how to do.

    Whatever the causes, now you know the best way forward is to stop bailing her out of every scrape she creates. After all, you won’t always be there.

    No parent desires to see their child suffer. None of us would choose to perpetuate dysfunctional behavior on purpose. But sometimes it happens. We realize a pattern has taken root that must be broken—and this is the first step.

    The Bible is full of stories of dysfunctional family relationships within the homes of godly parents. These problems are not the result of conscious sin. Most of the time, biblical parents failed to recognize their roles and often great pain resulted. But we have the advantage of reading about them and learning from their mistakes.

    In Genesis, Isaac and Rebekah pampered Jacob and Rebekah covered for—and even helped concoct—his deception to steal the family blessing. Jacob ran for his life after his brother threatened to kill him, and eventually got in hot water with his father-in-law for deceptive business practices.

    Later, Jacob favored his son Joseph over all his brothers. This created such hatred, they conspired to kill Joseph. Joseph’s brother Judah raised a couple of incorrigible sons.

    In 1 Samuel, Sampson gets his parents to do whatever he wants, including making a deal for a pagan bride against Jewish law. And even King David faced an attempted coup by one of his sons.

    We are given no indication that those biblical parents saw trouble coming, and few modern-day parents see it looming either. But once it develops, parents need to confess the part we play and ask God to help. The compulsion to fix our kids is really a form of control. Therefore, we need to ask God to forgive our rushing ahead without seeking his guidance. We can take comfort in the words of 1 John 1:9 where we learn that if we confess our sins, God will forgive us.

    But without concrete action, nothing will change, even if you have acknowledged your role and asked God to forgive you. You must take the next steps.

    2. Pray for Wisdom and Then Set Boundaries with Your Child

    Codependency at its core is a lack of boundaries—both emotional and physical. This means that you may let your emotions sway your actions. If you feel rejection from your child-rearing its head, you’ll do what you perceive she needs in order to push it back down.

    Her emotions have become more important than your own. Your actions confirm this truth when you bail her out time and time again.

    The Bible tells us in Ephesians 5:15 to choose to live wisely, and in James 1:5 we find out that we can ask God to give us the wisdom we need. So we can pray with confidence that the Lord will help us know the right things to do and say. This help may come in the form of advice from a pastor or counselor, Scripture, or trusted godly friend—but it will come.

    It will not be easy, and will probably create an emotional scene, but it is necessary to draw a line in the sand, so to speak. Be specific about what you will and won’t do. Try to approach the situation without casting blame at your child. They may feel guilt and say you’re blaming them. But remember the truth—you are setting them up for future success. This begins with accepting personal responsibility for choices.

    If addiction is the problem, you may have to do the hardest thing of all—let a crisis develop and refuse to intervene, or even call the authorities. Your child may lose custody of his children. But this may be the very thing that drives him to get clean. I have a friend who found herself in this kind of situation.

    Today her son has been drug-free for fifteen years and he tells anyone who will listen that losing his kids was the motivation he needed.  It’s unfortunate, but often people need to hit rock bottom before they begin the upward climb. 

    Remember, too, that there may not be a happy ending for your child—at least that you can see in your lifetime. However, as an adult, it is his life. Not yours. You are not responsible for the consequences of his choices. That’s God’s job. You are only responsible for your actions—and this is why you want to stop enabling.

    Here again, we can take comfort from Scripture. In Isaiah 49:4, the prophet said that the future Servant King, Jesus Christ, would not understand why people refused to accept and believe him. Jesus was familiar with discouragement and frustration.

    We know that he suffered all the same things we do, but I think we usually take this to mean temptations. How wonderful to realize he also understands our emotions. He understands wayward children too. After all, he said in Matthew 23:37—referring to his people the Israelites—that he wanted to gather them like a hen gathers her chicks under its wings, but they were not willing.

    Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/VitezslavVylicil 

    3. Enlist Prayer Support from Your Church Group

    Whether it’s your small group, your pastor, or a specific support group, Matthew 18:20 assures us there is real power when we gather together in prayer. Meeting at least weekly will give you the boost you need to follow through with the decisions you have made.

    Ask a close friend in your prayer group to be available for a phone call whenever the need arises. Just knowing there is one person who understands and will pray you off the ledge when you’re about to cave in makes all the difference. Tapping into God’s power will get you through.

    4. Enforce Your Boundaries as Needed

    You will suffer real emotional distress caused by your refusal to run to the rescue. Your child will not be the only one who feels it. You’ll be forced to watch the consequences of their choices and decisions unfold from the sidelines. It will be tempting to throw in the towel and go back to life as usual.

    Again, we can learn from Jesus. Isaiah 50:7 tells us how our Lord set his face like a flint to his mission, which was not for himself, but for us—his children. That kind of sheer determination is what it takes to change an ingrained family dynamic. However, remember the reason you’re doing it.

    The best thing for your child, grandchildren, and even yourself is to work toward a healthier relationship.

    5. Pray Daily for Your Family

    Pray for everyone in your family who is affected by your decision for change. The Lord awakens you every morning and if you ask, he’ll expand your understanding and help you (Isaiah 50:4). I like to search out prayers in the Bible that seem to apply to my situation. For example, praying the prayer the apostle Paul wrote in Ephesians 1:18-19 is one of my favorites. I recommend choosing a Bible prayer for each of our family members.

    When you decide on a prayer for your child, print it out and post it where you can see it often. Consider making a separate copy to place in your Bible or journal. Pray it when you rise in the morning and as you’re falling asleep at night. If your situation whirls in your mind and keeps you awake, verbally handing it over to Jesus when you crawl into bed is better than any sleeping pill.

    6. Refuse to Feel Guilty

    Guilt may assault you the moment you realize something needs to change. Satan wants you to feel sorry for yourself and take all the blame. There is no magic bullet for ending a behavior pattern years in the making. Because of the challenges involved in keeping your boundaries intact, your emotions may fluctuate and cause your guilt-o-meter to spike.

    Your child may blame you for his new issues—ones that really stem from the consequences of his own actions.

    Stop Satan in his tracks by reminding him that you confessed whatever unwitting part you played, and God forgave you. That forgiveness is complete and means God chooses not to remember your sin. Read Psalm 103:12 for confirmation of this truth. It’s over—even if it doesn’t feel like it.

    If you struggle with the ability to stop enabling your child, you are not alone. Nothing is more painful than a rift in your relationship with a child, and it is only natural to want to preserve positive feelings. Now, however, you see the wisdom of ending the pattern, and the steps you can take toward a healthier bond.

    The real power will come as you rely on the Holy Spirit to help you. If you will be transparent with your child about your motivation—her ultimate good—and honest about your dependence on God for help, then true healing can begin.

    Photo credit: ©GettyImages/jeffbergen

    Kathryn Graves, author of Woven: Discovering Your Beautiful Tapestry of Confidence, Rest, and Focus, and Fashioned by God, holds a BA in Psychology, is a pastor’s wife and Bible teacher, and spent 15 years in the fashion industry. Kathryn is Mimi to five grandsons, and loves to play with color—including interior design, clothing, and painting with pastels. In addition to her website, find her on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter.

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  • 5 Things Never to Say to Your Grandchildren

    5 Things Never to Say to Your Grandchildren

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    Grandparents are supposed to be kid experts. We’ve raised our own children and by now should be seasoned and mellowed-out enough to roll with the ups and downs of our grandkids’ lives. Those of us with new grandbabies harbor visions of becoming the perfect, loved-more-than-anybody-else Mimi, or Lolli, or Pops, or whatever cute name we’ve decided to be called.

    Then the pre-teen and teen years come along and our bubble bursts. Oh, our grandchildren still love us bunches—and we still can’t believe the overwhelming love we hold for them—but their struggling hormones make them difficult to live with at home and even at our house.

    We want to carry on rational, adult conversations with them, yet sometimes struggle with what to say. And sometimes we fail to say the right things and we know it.

    To help identify quagmires, what types of conversations should we definitely avoid?

    1. Insulting words about their parents

    Lighthearted stories about the antics and pranks of your own children can be entertaining for your grandchildren. These are fine, and even lend a sense of pride at being old enough to hear them along with learning family lore. But if you still feel unhappy or sad about the behavior of one of your grandchild’s parents, she doesn’t need to know—unless she expresses the same emotion first in a conversation.

    Even then, she needs your guidance to navigate toward an effective and positive way of dealing with her feelings. It’s not your place to confide in your grandchildren about the failures of their parents.

    Another sticky area is when our grandchild’s parents are divorced. No matter how the custody is arranged, and no matter how dysfunctional we might think our kid’s ex-spouse is, the child does not need to hear it from us. They love Mom and Dad and are trying to work out their own thoughts.

    We don’t have to praise that parent, but it’s important to speak carefully when the subject comes up. In our case, we simply choose to keep busy with other topics—there is plenty of activity in our grandson’s life to talk about. When he mentions the other parent, we listen, comment in a way that lets him know we heard and value his words, and then move on to another subject.

    2. Stories about how much worse you had it as a kid

    You know how these stories go. “I had to walk two miles in the snow to school every day—uphill both ways!” Or, “We never got to wear pants to school, even though I walked three blocks to the bus stop in sub-freezing weather.” And then there is this one, “We only had one family car, and everybody shared it. I never had my own car.” Actually, the last two examples were from my personal experience.

    While it might be okay to tell these stories, they should never be used to make a child feel as if she is taking things for granted or like her feelings aren’t valid. Maybe she is being ungrateful but helping her identify her blessings might be a better way to approach the subject.

    While you may think you had a really tough life as a young person, your difficulties didn’t seem any worse to you than your grandkids’ do to them. Yes, they have different problems, but that doesn’t make theirs less painful.

    The grandparent who constantly tells stories to “one-up” their grandchild runs the risk of never being taken seriously, or worse, being viewed as an old, out-of-touch person who doesn’t understand modern life—and is therefore irrelevant.

    3. Negative bias about the younger generation

    I used to hear this from an elderly aunt every time our family visited her. She was convinced the reason for the increased crime rate in her city—and the unemployment rate, and every other social ill—was teenagers and their bad behavior.

    Admittedly, teen gangs were becoming a problem at that time, but the reasons for the rise in gang activity were, and still are, complex. All her problems were not due to teenagers!

    A doomsday view of society is not only unhelpful but can frighten our grandchildren. Placing blame on a particular generation merely perpetuates stereotypes. It doesn’t solve any problems. Do we have issues facing us today that were unheard of in our youth? Certainly. This is always going to be true, regardless of the decade.

    Unfortunately, a downward spiral of society is the natural trend of mankind apart from the intervention of God. So, if there is any blame, maybe we should look at ourselves to see how often we pray for a spiritual awakening, and how open we are to the Holy Spirit working in our lives.

    A great conversation to have with our grandchildren might be about finding ways to make a difference in their world. Do you know of any kids who are doing something special? Can you brainstorm with your grandkids possible options for them?

    Maybe offer to take the oldest on a mission trip with you to work with children in a third-world country. Such an experience can change a teenager’s life and possibly their career choice. And it can make the problems at home seem less daunting for both of you.

    I know of one family whose son became interested in local politics. He began writing letters to the editor of the newspaper, and eventually wrote articles they printed. He’s in college now preparing for a future in policy making. He was encouraged by his parents and grandparents to help change what he saw as problems.

    I would have benefitted from my aunt’s concerns if she had encouraged me to volunteer serving meals at a homeless ministry instead of listening to her berate those homeless people for daring to sleep on her street.

    4. Condemning all electronics and social media as evil

    Different families allow differing amounts and types of screen time for their children. It’s important that as grandparents, we don’t criticize the rules our grandkids have at home. We might think they spend too much time on their phones at home, and they might bring them to our house. But we can set our own rules.

    Banning cell phones from the dinner table and limiting other screen time is reasonable, and can be discussed without condemning the devices.

    Refusing to acknowledge the reality a child lives in, and limiting conversation about it to negative comments, only serves to drive him away. He won’t want to go to Nanny and Papa’s house if all they do is nag him about putting away his phone.

    There are plenty of activities in which to engage with your grandchildren that keep them moving and thinking and talking. Be creative in discovering things you can do together. This will naturally lead to less screen time.

    But if a child wants to talk about a video game she plays, make an effort to educate yourself about that game so you can talk intelligently about it. And when a rainy day comes along, enjoy a movie or play a video game together. You can even text silly memes across the room to each other.

    Relax, Grandma. The world won’t end if you join Snapchat with your grandchildren. It might even help you keep up with their lives.

    5. Any comment that degrades their worth 

    Sometimes, the birth of a grandchild doesn’t happen in happy circumstances. Many different issues might be the reason, but the result is a child who bears no responsibility for any of them. And any associated drama can spill over onto this precious one. So let’s be conscious of our words so we don’t add to it.

    The child might act out his frustrations in behavior that grabs our attention. This does make our lives more difficult. But we need to remember that bad behavior does not equal a bad child.  Separating the behavior from our emotions helps us deal with it appropriately. Then we can express our love more easily—because unconditional love is what we as grandparents need to offer.

    Many grandparents even gain custody of their grandkids in order to give them the best chance at a hopeful future. If this is you, please know you are my heroes. But your stress level may be extremely high. That’s when it’s easy to let it slip just how hard life is because of the child.

    And we all know that pre-teen and teenage kids are simply a pain sometimes because of their tumultuous hormones and chaotic social lives. Life is more challenging with these kids than with younger ones.

    However, these years also present opportunities for fun along with meaningful experiences. Attending any event your grandchild participates in means more to them than they may ever express. And some of the best conversations that build lasting relationships and trust can happen late at night when your grandchild sleeps over.

    These categories are all negative in tone, and that’s why we should avoid them. While we shouldn’t shy away from difficult subjects, we need to keep our tone positive.

    Every topic can have an upside, and we need to help our grandkids find it. They are bombarded daily with negativity, but we can point them toward the bright view.

    After all, Philippians 4:8 tells us to think pure, noble, lovely, and virtuous thoughts. Surely that means to talk in the same manner—to everyone, not just our grandchildren.

    Kathryn Graves, author of the book Fashioned by God, is a style expert, fashion coach, and Premier Designs jewelry consultant. She is also a pastor’s wife and Bible teacher. Kathryn helps women discover the source of real beauty in Jesus, freeing them to gain confidence in their personal styles. She is Mimi to three grandsons, and loves to play with color, both in fashion and interior design, and painting with pastels.

    Photo courtesy: ©GettyImages/PeopleImages

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