Many would say politics should be barred from holiday celebrations. But a George Mason University professor’s findings could offer insight in how to discuss politics without a holiday brawl.
There are plenty of political topics to be hashed out over Thanksgiving dinners in the D.C. area.
Many would say politics should be barred from holiday celebrations. But a George Mason University professor’s findings could offer insight in how to discuss politics without a holiday brawl.
Todd Kashdan is the lead author of a study that looked to encourage conversations between people on opposite ends of the political spectrum.
There’s a couple strategies to bridge the gap, recommended by Kashdan, a professor of psychology at Mason and the founder of the Well-Being Laboratory.
Should someone make a remark you find outlandish, he said consider replying, “I wasn’t going to say anything but … I totally apologize if this comes off the wrong way, but I’m really anxious even to say anything.”
He calls this approach the “discomfort caveat.”
“When you reveal that you’re uncomfortable speaking up, but you plan to do it anyway, people are intrigued,” he said. “‘What are you going to say? Just spit it out.’ And so people’s defenses come down and their curiosity goes up.”
Kashdan also recommended reframing your questions that follow up on a loved one’s comments.
“Instead of asking, ‘Why did you bring that up?’” he said. “With an air of intrigue and wonder, you can ask, ‘How would that work, if what you’re saying actually came to fruition?’”
Fostering that curiosity could lead to a more productive conversation, according to his research published earlier this month in a journal called “Scientific Reports” and referenced in a Washington Post column.
Instead of wondering, “What’s wrong with this person, why would they bring this up,” he said, people should wonder about what experiences led someone to behave in that way.
“There’s basically more assumptions of positive intent to realize not all of us had a perfect background, and some of us ended up with these strange conspiracy theories or negatively tinged thoughts toward other people,” Kashdan said.
Ultimately, people have more in common than they realize.
“Most people share the same underlying values, but it manifests differently,” he said.
His research has found that people tend to be “more kind and open and flexible” than others expect.
“When you get to the specific issues, you realize this is a good person that I disagree with, as opposed to this is an evil person who has beliefs that are counter to my own,” Kashdan said.
Of course, tone makes a world of difference during a tense discussion.
“You could say the exact same thing with an air of wonder and curiosity, or you can say it being closed minded and rigid,” he added.
When it becomes clear it’s time to tap out of a conversation, he offered advice to exit without harming relationships.
“You can soften the blow of anything by just kind of putting your hand on someone’s shoulder and saying, ‘You know I love you. You know I care about you. It’s just this topic. This one doesn’t work for us,’” Kashdan said.
Though considered taboo topics to some, the professor encouraged people to have conversations about religion and politics.
“One thing that our research often shows is that people want more meaningful, curious conversations than they do small talk,” Kashdan said. “Don’t be afraid of having these conversations, but remember that you care more about the relationships themselves than the content of what you’re talking about.”
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Jessica Kronzer
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