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Tag: introvert

  • Which Is ‘Better’? 4 Things Science Says Most People Don’t Understand About Introverts and Extroverts

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    I was surprised when Metallica guitarist Kirk Hammett told me, “I’m a complete introvert. It’s very hard for me to enter certain social situations.”

    “You’re able to stand onstage in front of tens of thousands of people,” I said. “That doesn’t sound shy to me.” (In short, how could he not be a total extrovert?)

    “That’s different,” he said. “There I’m totally comfortable and in the moment, because it’s like I’m in a little bubble, playing music with my friends.”

    Should I have been surprised Kirk is introverted? (Or that Richard Branson is introverted? Or Warren Buffett, he of the five-hour Berkshire Hathaway annual meeting Q & A sessions?)

    Nope: being introverted or extroverted has little to do with what you do, especially in public.

    Here are few other things conventional wisdom gets wrong about introverts and extroverts.

    1. Extroverts are better suited to be leaders than introverts.

    Yeah, no. According to multiple studies, there’s no difference in the effectiveness of introverted leaders and extroverted leaders in terms of overall team and company performance.

    Except in certain circumstances: as Adam Grant notes, extroverts are more effective leading employees who tend to seek guidance, direction, and motivation, and introverted leaders are more effective leading employees who tend to take initiative and work well without supervision.

    The best leaders? Whether introverted or extroverted, they adapt to the individual needs of each employee. The key is what you do with who you are, and what you believe.

    As Simon Sinek says:

    These are phenomenal, phenomenal leaders who are all introverts. The one thing they have in common, whether you’re extroverted or introverted, is undying belief in your cause. 

    The charisma is not how much energy you have. The charisma is how much you’re willing to devote to that. And if it’s all of it, you have charisma. You have leadership capacity.

    If you’re an introvert, one of your strengths is the ability to assess, analyze, evaluate, and make considered, thoughtful decisions. So is the willingness to back your decisions — and your goals — with determination, effort, and persistence. 

    Both of which are qualities of a great leader.

    2. “Extroverts like to spend time in the outer world of people and things, introverts in the inner world of ideas and images.”

    The above quote comes from the folks at Myers-Briggs, early popularizers of the “E” and “I” in the MBTI personality test.

    Science shows that’s really not the case, though. A study published in Personality and Individual Differences found that introverts tend to spend the same amount of time with people, and doing things, as extroverts do. (And they’re just as happy as extroverts when they do.)

    A study published in Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that extroverts get energy from talking and interacting with other people, but so do introverts; in fact, both extroverts and introverts said their energy levels were highest when they interacted with other people, whether at work or in their personal lives. 

    Whether you’re introverted or extroverted, you like to spend time in the outer world, interacting with people and doing things.

    The only real difference in extroverts and introverts is their sensitivity to outside stimulation. I’m introverted, so after a while I need a little quiet time to recharge. My brother-in-law is extremely extroverted and never seems to need quiet time; to him, more interaction provides even more energy.

    3. Extroverts are better at sales than introverts.

    Actually, neither extroverts or introverts are better. A study published in International Journal of Selection and Assessment found no correlation between extroversion or introversion and sales performance.

    The real winners? Ambiverts, the people who tend to fall somewhere in the middle of the spectrum — and as a result, can more easily adapt their approach depending on the individual needs of potential customers. According to the authors of a study published in Psychological Science:

    Because they naturally engage in a flexible pattern of talking and listening, ambiverts are likely to express sufficient assertiveness and enthusiasm to persuade and close a sale but are more inclined to listen to customers’ interests and less vulnerable to appearing too excited or overconfident. 

    Turns out the same is true for being a great leader and a great salesperson: your personality matters a lot less than your willingness and ability to adapt to the needs of other people.

    4. Extroverts perform better in public situations than introverts.

    Extroversion and introversion have little to do with social skills. Plenty of introverts are engaging, and plenty of extroverts are socially awkward.

    The situation also matters. Some extroverts love interacting in a group, but struggle with one-on-one conversations.

    The best meetings I ever attended were led by an introvert. He wasn’t loud, or talkative, or charismatic, or any of the stereotypical signs of extroversion. When he spoke, it was to the point. When he listened, he really listened. He had figured out how to use what he did best to his advantage.

    Research bears out that approach; a Carleton University study found that performance is mitigated by psychological coping style. If you’re shy, coming to a meeting prepared will help you feel comfortable speaking up. If you’re outgoing and gregarious, reminding yourself to listen more than you speak — or even to make sure you speak last — helps ensure other people feel listened to and valued.

    And gives you the opportunity to learn whether your assumptions or “just thinking out loud” opinions are wrong.

    The opinions expressed here by Inc.com columnists are their own, not those of Inc.com.

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    Jeff Haden

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  • You’ve Heard of Introverts and Extroverts, But Maybe You’re an Otrovert Instead 

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    If you want to understand yourself better, there is no shortage of systems, beliefs and tests out there offering help, from astrology, to corporate favorite Myers Briggs, to scientists’ preferred framework, the Big 5. 

    But if you’ve tried these and still feel like nothing quite captures your inner reality, then I have intriguing news for you. There’s a hot new personality type in town that just might fit. Maybe you’re an otrovert. 

    What’s an otrovert? 

    The term was coined by respected Mount Sinai psychiatrist Rami Kaminski in his book The Gift of Not Belonging. The title should give you a clue as to what it means. An introvert is someone who is drained by other people and gets their energy by turning inward. An extrovert draws their energy from other people. (And an ambivert is somewhere in the middle of the spectrum between the two.) 

    But an otrovert isn’t defined by their relationships with others at all. “Otroverts is the term I use for those who don’t feel the obligation to merge their identities with others,” Kaminski explained in New Scientist. They’re not shy or antisocial. They just feel no need to tie their identity to groups or labels. 

    These are the anti-joiners. Those that get no buzz from being part of a team or collective. To those with a more social orientation that might sound sad. Isn’t it lonely always being on the outside looking in? But otroverts who accept themselves (and avoid being browbeaten for their independent ways) aren’t troubled by their self-sufficiency, according to Kaminski.

    Instead, they’re empowered by it. “When you don’t belong to any group, you aren’t subject to the group’s implicit rules or swayed by its influence. This confers two beneficial traits: originality and emotional independence,” he writes. “Being outside the hive, so to speak, allows you to think and create freely: to come up with unique ideas, untainted by groupthink or by what has come before.”

    The joy of finding a personality label that fits 

    That, I’m not going to lie, sounds pretty seductive to me. Kaminski kicks off his article by explaining his lack of enthusiasm for the Boy Scouts as a child. “While the other kids seemed awed by this initiation,” he recalls of his first scouting pledge, “I felt nothing.” 

    I too found the Brownies baffling as a kid. And I vividly recall a camp counselor informing me I was “badly socialized” because I didn’t want to play capture the flag (or any other team activity). He was probably right, but I didn’t feel any inclination to change. To this day I rigorously avoid anything requiring membership meetings or a uniform. 

    “Otroverts will not join. It’s not in them. They tend to shy away from organized religion, political tribes, or any cause that demands allegiance, because they don’t understand the logic of sacrificing a differentiated mind just to conform to the hive,” writes therapist (and self described otrovert) Jennifer Chase Finch of Medium. 

    Yup, that’s me. 

    The advantages of being an otrovert 

    Which is why I should also be happy to hear from Kaminski that I am in good company. Frida Kahlo and Albert Einstein were likely otroverts, he asserts. And it’s certainly reassuring to hear from Chase Finch that otroverts make “remarkable leaders and powerful keynote speakers, great independent thinkers, and creative savants.” 

    But to be honest, while my kneejerk reaction is to see myself in this new label and feel validated. There are also reasons to remain skeptical.  

    First and foremost, there is something inherently contradictory in finding comfort in a socially constructed label that describes people who reject socially constructed labels. There is also the complication that while I may have zero interest in clubs and committees, I am deeply committed to more intimate forms of belonging, like family and friends. 

    Even more fundamental though is the concern that any personality label, not just the idea of “otroverts,” can be a limiting mirage. 

    The Barnum Effect and why you should be wary of personality tests 

    Way back in the 1940s psychologist Bertram Forer demonstrated that people will almost always see themselves in the results of personality tests. If the test says something bland like “you often doubt you did the right thing,” most people agree the test describes them well. Forer called this tendency — which explains how horoscopes work — the Barnum Effect after the famed circus impresario P.T. Barnum. 

    A recent study reported that 85 percent of students found a totally fake personality test convincing, demonstrating the Barnum Effect is still going strong some 80 years later. 

    Our eagerness to buy into them is one reason to be suspicious of personality labels. So is the fact that research also shows our personalities can shift dramatically over time. One study found that a person’s personality at 14 bears basically no resemblance to their personality at 75. Maybe there’s hope for me to become a joiner after all. 

    As psychologists Kelvin Wong and Wenting Chen warn on The Conversation, “If you pigeonhole yourself into a rigid personality type, you run the danger of limiting yourself to the boundaries of this label. You may even use the label to excuse your own or others’ problematic behaviors.”

    Don’t limit yourself with the otrovert label

    What’s the bottom line for entrepreneurs? If you see yourself in the otrovert label and it helps you feel more comfortable in your own skin and more confident in deploying your personal strengths, then add it to your vocabulary. If tools work, use them. 

    But keep in mind that the warm, fuzzy feeling we get from psychological labels tends to blind us to how imprecise and broadly applicable they are. There is also the danger of using a label as an excuse to avoid personal growth or facing out limitations. 

    Now that I know the word, I can’t help but see myself as an otrovert. But I still have obligations as a professional, citizen, and member of my local community to participate in groups and the future we’re all building together. If that means joining an agonizing PTA meeting or networking group or two, I should probably get over myself and my comfy labels and do it. 

    The opinions expressed here by Inc.com columnists are their own, not those of Inc.com.

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    Jessica Stillman

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  • The Introvert’s Guide to a Successful Relationship

    The Introvert’s Guide to a Successful Relationship

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    When you are an introvert there are many aspects of a relationship that may feel overwhelming. Having to express yourself and share your inner world with your partner may feel outside of your comfort zone, but it is an essential part of a happy and healthy relationship.

    What it means to be an introvert

    Introverts tend to have a lot of thought processes happening without as many corresponding social interactions and behaviors. They might withdraw from social situations especially when there are more than a couple of people. Extroverts prefer to engage in social situations and are energized by these interactions. According to psychiatrist Carl Jung here are some characteristics associated with being introverted:

    • Withdrawal under stress
    • Careful balancing of considerations when making decisions
    • Preference for internal thought process versus external interactions
    • Inclination towards spending time alone or in quieter spaces with just a couple people

    The impact on your relationship

    Introverts prefer to be in their own internal worlds. This means there is a lot of thinking and internal dialogue happening about external situations. While this type of reflection has its benefits, it can be harmful to a relationship. Here are some of the potential problems with this behavior:

      • You create stories about what is happening in your partner’s world so you are not truly in touch with them
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      • You assign reasons and intentions to things that have happened which may or may not be correct
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      • You may not be holding your partner in the positive perspective or giving them the benefit of the doubt

     

    Introvert’s Guide to a Successful Relationship

    1. Increase your friendship

    Here is one tool to increase your friendship and positivity with your partner.

    Use the Love Map card deck to better understand your partner’s world and for them to know yours. Pay special attention to the cards that address how you enjoy spending your free time so it doesn’t become that elephant in the room.

    Remember your partner is the one person that you need to be friends with. So while you may enjoy different activities and social situations, it is important that you talk about it so that one person doesn’t end up feeling alone. Your partner enjoys socializing in big groups while you prefer a quiet evening at home or going out to dinner? This is when you use the art of compromise.

    Maybe you go out to a party but you ask your partner to not leave you by yourself. Maybe you go out to dinner but just invite one other couple. There are lots of possibilities, but the important piece is that you have open dialogue about it so that you both get your needs met and don’t feel resentful of each other.

    The benefit of increasing your friendship

    When you are good friends with your partner, you don’t always need to go out and socialize with others. Even if your partner is an extrovert, they will enjoy spending time with you.

    2. Build in rituals

    Rituals of connections are the small moments of connection with your partner. Using the card decks pay special attention to these cards:

    • Bringing friends into our home
    • Celebrating success/holidays
    •  Renewing ourselves when we are burned out

    The benefit of rituals

    If you are emotionally connected to one another, you can go your separate ways on occasion and feel comfortable doing so. Maybe one evening you stay home and watch your favorite show and your partner goes out with friends from work. While that should not be your default arrangement, every now and then it can be valuable.

    3. Protect your relationship

    Here is one tool to use to protect your relationship from outside stress.

    The stress reducing conversation is a 15-20 minute talk that you have on a daily basis with your partner. It typically happens when you get home from work. This is a time to ask about each other’s days and in particular to invite your partner to talk about something stressful (not related to the relationship.) Your job is ONLY to listen and provide validation and support of your partner’s feelings and experience. Then they will do the same for you.

    The benefit of protecting your relationship

    What this does is create a sense of we-ness and reduces the stress level of each partner so that it does not negatively impact the relationship. 

    This may seem like a daunting task but remember your role is to just listen and validate your partner’s feelings.  Remember holding onto stress and ruminating about it will be bad for your health and well-being and ultimately that of your relationship.

    Once you have habitualized this talk, you may find that you that you actually enjoy it!

    4. Manage conflict

    Just because you don’t talk about problems doesn’t mean they will go away. In fact, couples who don’t talk about their conflicts tend to become emotionally disconnected and often end up divorcing. They are able to ‘last’ longer than volatile high conflict couples because their disconnection is slow but insidious. Being able to avoid conversations about problems and conflict can often times result in prolonged suffering.

    Use these six skills when talking about a conflict situation, and when (not if) a regrettable incident happens make sure you process it afterwards. Here is the blueprint for doing so. If you follow this recipe you will navigate your conflict effectively, repair any damage done during an argument, and strengthen your relationship.

    The benefit of managing conflict

    Stop suffering alone. Conflict is an opportunity for connection. When you can understand your partner’s point of view (even if you don’t agree with it) and can empathize with their emotions, you will deepen your connection with one another. When you feel seen and heard by your partner, you will feel a greater sense of emotional well-being.

    The need for connection

    Being an introvert does not mean you don’t need other people. In fact you likely form deep connections with a select few. But being around others does not fuel you, and might at times feel exhausting. When it comes to your relationship with your partner or spouse, it is important to pay attention to this. You don’t want to be so depleted that by the time you’re around your partner, you want to be left alone. 

    Your relationship with your partner/spouse is one of the most important sources of health and well-being. The introvert’s guide to a successful relationship will strengthen your foundation of friendship and support it through conflict and stress. Using these Gottman tools will lead to a fulfilling relationship for both introverts and extroverts.

     

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    Kendra Han

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  • Third Spaces: The Building Blocks of A Healthy Community and Social Life

    Third Spaces: The Building Blocks of A Healthy Community and Social Life

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    Third spaces are public, informal gathering spots — like cafes, parks, or community centers — where people can relax, socialize, and build connections outside of home and work. In a world increasingly dominated by digital interactions, these spaces play a vital role in fostering community and countering loneliness.

    “Third spaces” refer to social environments that are separate from the two primary places where people spend most of their time: home (the first space) and work (the second space). These third spaces are informal, public gathering spots where people can socialize, relax, and build a sense of community.

    Sociologist Ray Oldenburg first introduced the concept in his book The Great Good Place. He argued that third spaces are crucial for fostering social cohesion, civic engagement, and a sense of belonging. They serve as “neutral grounds” where people can engage in casual conversations and form social connections that they might not in other settings. Places like main streets, libraries, cafes, pubs, and community centers are essential to a functional society and can provide avenues for grassroots activism, community involvement, charity and volunteer work, and social support.

    One of the most important features of “third spaces” is that they involve interacting with people outside of our typical social circle of family, friends, and coworkers. They introduce the possibility of new connections and new relationships. Other important qualities include easy accessibility, low cost, and an inviting atmosphere that encourages mingling and conversation.

    As modern life has shifted more towards digital interaction, the role of physical third spaces has become a topic of renewed interest among psychologists and social scientists, especially in discussions about loneliness and community fragmentation. People are spending less time in third spaces than ever before; and with remote work becoming more common, many people don’t have much of a life outside of home anymore.

    This general tendency has led to an increase in atomization, where individuals feel less and less connected to their local communities and society at large. This has far reaching consequences on health and well-being, as well as social trust, cooperation, and group cohesion.

    Third spaces play an integral role when it comes to happiness and well-being on both an individual and social level. Let’s mention a few common examples and then explore more on what makes these spaces so important to a healthy social life.

    Common examples of third spaces include:

    • Main streets and public squares
    • Cafes and coffee shops
    • Public libraries
    • Parks, nature preserves, beaches
    • Bars or pubs
    • Community centers
    • Bookstores
    • Churches and religious organizations
    • Local food markets
    • Music venues or dance clubs
    • Local sports leagues (bowling, basketball, baseball, etc.)
    • Shopping malls
    • Co-working spaces

    Can you think of any other examples? What are some neutral places where various people can go to meet new people?

    Ray Oldenburg argues that the increase of suburbanization and a “car-centric” society has decreased the use of third spaces and is one major cause behind our more atomized and individualistic world. Many adults living in suburbs have a long commute and a busy work schedule, so they rarely have time to spend outside of home or work. They live and sleep in their suburban homes, but they aren’t involved in their local communities in any meaningful way.

    Modern living creates a fundamental disconnect between home, work, and community, which can lead to feelings of alienation and loneliness. Third spaces can be a social glue that ties these different aspects of our lives together into a meaningful whole.

    As someone who grew up in Levittown, New York – one of the first mass-produced suburbs – I can relate to the feelings of atomization and not having many third spaces to hang out with friends during my childhood. The most frequent spots were typically shopping malls, bowling alleys, or parking lots, but there weren’t many other “public square”-type places where everyone could go on a weekend night. This made it difficult to build social connections or a sense of community outside of school.

    In Robert Putnam’s classic book Bowling Alone: The Collapse and Revival of the American Community, he documents the downfall of community feeling and social cohesion since the 1960s. Key factors behind this decline include changes in mobility and sprawl, family structure and time schedules, as well as technology and mass media. The rise of home entertainment including TVs, internet, and video games has made people less motivated to go to physical third spaces for leisure, socializing, or relaxation.

    There are many factors that have led to the decline in community and the use of third spaces. It’s tempting to want to blame only one thing, but the problems we face in today’s world are complicated and multifaceted. There’s no quick or easy fix for improving the use of third spaces, but we can be more aware of the role they play in our daily lives.

    Are Buses and Trains Third Spaces?

    Public transportation such as buses and trains share some qualities with “third spaces,” such as being neutral ground that anyone in the community can access, a shared experience of commuting together, and the possibility of social connection with locals and strangers. However, these places are typically not seen as “third spaces” because their primary function is transportation and not social connection. The average person on commutes tends to withdraw and mind their own business, so these spaces aren’t very conducive to new conversation or forming new friendships (although it’s definitely possible).

    Building Social Capital and Weak Ties

    When you frequent any third space (such as a cafe, bar, church, or library), you naturally start to see familiar faces and build light social connections there.

    This is what sociologists refer to as social capital, which is just an economic-centric term for relationships that we value, trust, and provide social support.

    Third spaces help form casual relationships (or “weak ties”) that can lead to huge benefits. One common example is learning about a new job opportunity or a possible romantic interest through an acquaintance or friend of a friend.

    Social capital can manifest itself in many small and hidden ways too.

    When I lived in Brooklyn, I would go to the same bodega every morning for my coffee and breakfast sandwich. There were a couple times I was in a rush and forgot my wallet, but since the store owner knew me well and recognized me, he trusted me enough to let me pay next time. That may seem like a trivial thing, but it’s something that can only be accomplished with a minimal level of trust or social capital. If I were a completely random stranger I wouldn’t get that benefit.

    Through third spaces, you begin to run into the same people, build a sense of familiarity and comfort, and start connecting with them on a level beyond random stranger, even just the act of seeing a familiar face and saying “Hi” can give a nice boost to your day (learn the power of “10 second” relationships).

    Find a Healthy Dose of Third Spaces

    No matter how introverted or extraverted you are, everyone needs a healthy dose of social interaction. Third spaces provide opportunities to meet new people, connect with a broader community, and expand our social circle. Often just finding one third space where you feel comfortable and connect with like-minded people can make a big difference in the quality of your social life. Find a third space that works best for you and make it a part of your daily, weekly, or monthly routine.


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    Steven Handel

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  • Matthew Pollard Announces Second Book in Introvert’s Edge Series During National Introverts Week, Naturally

    Matthew Pollard Announces Second Book in Introvert’s Edge Series During National Introverts Week, Naturally

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    Press Release
    –


    updated: Mar 22, 2019


    CHAPEL HILL, N.C., March 22, 2019 (Newswire.com)
    –
    ​​​​​​This week recognizes introverts. Annually, the third week in March marks National Introverts Week, launched nationwide by author and coach Matthew Pollard — an introvert himself — to dispel the stigma of introversion and instead celebrate its strengths. Pollard’s first book The Introvert’s Edge showed introverts how to embrace their authentic selves when selling, instead of trying to mimic their extroverted colleagues. Known as “The Rapid Growth Guy,” he works with both small businesses and large organizations to transform their struggles into multimillion-dollar successes. The Introvert’s Edge was a bestseller on both Amazon.com and Audible, as well as being named one of the best books of the year by Top Sales World Magazine. HarperCollins Leadership has just announced Pollard’s follow-up The Introvert’s Edge to Networking, a guide that shows readers there’s more to networking than just showing up to an event.

    “As an introvert myself, I’m excited we have experts like Matthew Pollard empowering introverts and helping others understand us. Matthew’s insights have already equipped thousands of introverts to become more effective at sales and now many more will be ready to more effectively network through The Introvert’s Edge to Networking,” said Jeff James, vice president and publisher of HarperCollins Leadership.

    Pollard writes, “Asking a hardcore introvert to get excited about working the room is like hiring a performing artist to get excited about accounting: it’s just not in their nature.” This week, and year-round, Pollard aims to attack the misconception that “the gift of gab” is required for sales results and business success. Rather than focusing on limitations of introversion, his work focuses on harnessing people’s unique abilities into an edge for success. And next, networking.

    About Matthew Pollard: By age 30, Pollard was responsible for five multimillion-dollar business success stories across a diverse range of industries, earning him the nickname “The Rapid Growth Guy.” Once terrified of selling, today he teaches thousands how to do it and has so far transformed over 3,500 struggling businesses. Called “the real deal” by Forbes, Matthew is an internationally award-winning sales blogger and the founder and executive director of Small Business Festival, ranked among the top five business conferences in the nation by Inc. Pollard coaches one-on-one and through his online Rapid Growth Academy. He also hosts The Introvert’s Edge podcast and inspires people worldwide as a best-selling author and speaker. For more information, visit www.theintrovertsedge.com.

    ​Media Contact:
    Katie Breen
    Phone: 919.819.4408
    Email: katie@matthewpollard.com

    Source: Matthew Pollard

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