There is a common myth that all single men in their thirties and forties are immature. While this is a common belief, it is not true. In some cases, it may be true, but one should not be dogmatic in saying that all single men who are in their thirties and forties are immature. This is a statement that cannot be backed up with truth because it is not based on any solid foundation.
Rather, people try to claim single men within this age range are immature because they are not married. It is important to note that just because a person is not married does not mean they are immature. In the same way, just because a person is married does not mean they are mature. It is incorrect to define a person’s maturity based on whether they are married or not.
Instead of judging men based on their marital status, you need to look at them as individuals. You do not know the reason behind why they are bachelors in their thirties and forties. It could be they have dedicated their life to following Jesus, haven’t found anyone they truly love yet, or have other focuses in life. Therefore, it is important to debunk the myth that all bachelors in their thirties and forties are immature.
Measuring Maturity
Measuring maturity by a person’s marital status is not wise. As mentioned, being married or not is not a measuring rod for a person’s maturity levels. If anything, bachelors in their thirties and forties may be more mature than you think. Many people believe that bachelors are selfish and only care about themselves, but this is not true. There are many reasons why a single man may choose to stay single.
Oftentimes it is their maturity that helps them choose to be unmarried. Within the Christian community, there is a false belief that marriage is the end goal or the ultimate form of happiness. This is not true as our goal as Christians needs to be helping other people come to know Christ and maturing in our own walk with God. Not everyone will get married, but it does not make them any less of a person.
If a bachelor chooses to stay unmarried, the Apostle Paul actually says this is better (1 Corinthians 7:25-40). Tragically, many Christians are distorting the Word of God by condemning those who choose to stay single. There is absolutely nothing wrong with staying single for a male or female. If a Christian decides in their heart to stay unmarried and chooses to spend their time focused on God, this is a noble thing. Never should other Christians condemn individuals who choose to stay unmarried. Even the term “bachelor” can be seen as derogatory.
Reasons to Stay Unmarried
It is also important to note that there are many reasons why a man may choose to stay unmarried, even if he is in his thirties or forties. As mentioned earlier, it could be because he is choosing to dedicate his life to following Jesus, hasn’t found the one, or is choosing to spend time bettering himself. While many people might see these things as selfish, they are not. Sadly, men tend to be seen as “lazy,” “selfish,” or “immature” for not being married, but these aren’t blanket statements to apply to all men.
Rather, it is important to look at the individual and not pass judgment on them. You never know why a person chooses to stay unmarried unless you truly know them and they open up to you. Even if you may personally believe everyone should get married does not mean that this is what everyone else believes. In fact, it is not even what God says.
Nowhere in the Bible do we see God promising marriage to all people. Marriage is a gift, but singleness is also a gift. Unfortunately, within Christian culture, people do not tend to treat singleness as a gift. Instead, they treat it as a great tragedy or something that should be avoided at all costs. This is not a healthy way to think nor is it biblical. Whether a person gets married or not, they can still live a life to the glory of God. A person doesn’t have to be married to follow God, serve Him, or glorify Him in their actions.
It could also be someone stays unmarried because they have gone through a bad breakup in the past or they might even be divorced. Due to their bad relationships in the past, they might feel unsafe opening up to someone again. It could be that they still love the person that ended things with them or they are trying to heal from the wounds. Nonetheless, do not judge someone’s maturity or morality based on their marital status. It is not wise and will only lead to pushing this person away from the community of believers.
Do Not Pass Judgment
The Lord tells us plainly to not judge others (Matthew 7:1). Judging others is not within our responsibility. Judgment is God’s responsibility. He will judge everyone in accordance with His perfect rule. Rather than choosing to pass judgment on men who stay single in their thirties and forties, we need to encourage them to live their lives for the glory of God. Being single does not count you out for living the abundant life that Jesus died for (John 10:10).
If you have been in the habit of looking down on men who are unmarried, try to change the narrative. Look at the man individually and see how he is living. Is he kind? Is he living to the glory of God? Is he trying his best to help others know Jesus? If you find he is doing all of these things, there is no reason to think badly of him or to think he is immature. Rather, he is just a man who has chosen to remain single.
Choosing to remain single is a personal decision. It does not have to be approved by people. Whether a person gets married or stays single, they can still live their lives to the glory of God. The Lord looks at our hearts (1 Samuel 16:7)—he does not look at our marital status. If you are a single man in your thirties or forties, know that God will do wonderful things with your life and your singleness.
Oftentimes, Christian singles can do the most for God because they are worried about pleasing the Lord rather than pleasing a spouse (1 Corinthians 7:32-35). Therefore, there is nothing immature about this. Living for God, dedicating all of your time to the Lord, and helping others come to know Him are all very mature things to do. There is beauty in marriage and there is also beauty in singleness.
Instead of trying to say one is better or more mature, we need to see married couples and singles as equals. In no way is one more superior than the other. As believers, we are to live in unity with one another, but we cannot do this if there are believers condemning other believers because they have chosen not to be married or have not gotten married by a certain age. There needs to be unity within the family of believers or there will only be disorder.
Vivian Bricker loves Jesus, studying the Word of God, and helping others in their walk with Christ. She has earned a Bachelor of Arts and Master’s degree in Christian Ministry with a deep academic emphasis in theology. Her favorite things to do are spending time with her family and friends, reading, and spending time outside. When she is not writing, she is embarking on other adventures.
John Newton is known as the author of Amazing Grace. Newton was always astounded by the grace he received. Towards the end of his life he said “Although my memory’s fading, I remember two things very clearly; I am a great sinner and Christ is a great Savior.”
The dearest love in the heart of Newton was the Lord Jesus. But there was another great love that Newton sometimes feared was a rival to his affection for Christ. That rival was his sweet Polly—also known as Mary Catlett and the would-be wife of John Newton. This is their love story.
Love At First Sight?
It is rather doubtful that John Newton and Mary (Polly) Catlett had feelings of love at first sight. Rather, it’s far more likely that they were fighting over a beloved toy. Elizabeth Newton and Elizabeth Catlett, best friends, had joked that perhaps the then 6-year-old John might Mary the then 3-year-old Polly. Yet even the faintest hopes of their union would seem to have been an impossibility when John’s mother died a year later, and young John was sent off to boarding school.
It would be almost a decade later that the two would “meet.” And on this occasion, at least for John, it was love at first sight. As one biographer wrote: “Almost at first sight of this girl, then under fourteen years of age, he was impressed with such an affection for her as appears to have equaled all that the writers of romance have imagined.”[1]
Just as Gilligan’s “three hour tour” turned into three seasons of television, so also did the smitten Newton’s quick visit turn into a three week stay. Though he was so overtaken by Polly that he mentally replanned his entire life, the young girl was unable to return those affections. And Newton was compelled to serve in the British Navy.
It would be four years that John was away at sea. Though he kept his love for Polly alive, those four years had hardened and shaped Newton into a rebellious and vulgar sailor. Though he would now reject any notion of God, he still had a heart for this young lady who captivated him years prior. As Newton would tell it:
“I soon lost,” says he, “all sense of religion and became deaf to the remonstrances of conscience and prudence: but my regard for her was always the same, and I may, perhaps, venture to say, that none of the scenes of misery and wickedness I afterward experienced ever banished her a single hour together from my waking thoughts for the seven following years.”[2]
But soon, his affections would be transformed by another.
Newton’s Fateful Voyage
While on a slave trading voyage, Newton the sailor was caught in a violent storm. And it was here that for the first time in many years Newton prayed. He was not entirely changed at this point, but it began the first seeds of a deep heart change Newton would experience.
John, who had been corresponding through Polly’s aunt, met some great disappointment. He believed himself unworthy of Polly and decided to break it off. Finances were also an issue. He knew he could not provide the financial stability that the Catlett’s would need to see in order to entrust their beloved Mary to him. His sensibilities, having been somewhat reformed by this storm and now meeting this new discouragement, John decided to end the romance.
Unbeknownst to him, though, his father and the Catlett family had already arranged an engagement between the two. There was only one sticking point—Polly. What would she think of this arrangement? Newton was unsure and often found himself tongue-tied around her. He wrote her by letter to see if she felt the same about him. When she responded, though cautiously, that she shared at least some affection, John was over the moon.
Newton continued his time on a slave ship, hoping to earn a solid living so he could propose marriage. It is difficult to say whether Newton had been actually converted at this point. He doesn’t develop evangelical views until a few years later. But by 1753, we know that his heart was indeed captured by another—the Lord Jesus. He wrote to his, now wife Polly, “I wish to limit my passion within those bounds which God has appointed.”
A Happy Marriage
On February 1, 1750, John Newton and Mary (Polly) Catlett were united in marriage. They would remain together until 1790, when Polly died of breast cancer. Their affections for one another were deep. In 1793, to honor her, John published two volumes of letters that he had sent to Mary throughout their marriage.
They understood that their marriage was a gift from God. Newton once wrote to his wife:
For, when I take up my pen, and begin to consider what I shall say, I am led to think of the goodness of God, who has made you mine, and given me a heart to value you. Thus my love to you, and my gratitude to him, cannot be separated. And, as you are so good to prize my affection, by finding it thus accompanied, you may be assured of its being unalterable. All other love that is not thus connected with a dependence upon God must be precarious. To this want I attribute many unhappy marriages. I believe many persons fall from their hopes of satisfaction in that state, by degrees insensible to themselves; and a secret change, or alienation of mind from each other takes place before they are well aware of it; till, in time, they proceed to such lengths as they would once have judged impossible.[3]
Newton believed that their happy marriage was a direct result of their love for Christ. It became the immovable foundation for their love for one another. This love continued through all of their years. Newton wrote in 1770: “I can remember when the sun seemed to shine in vain, and the whole creation appeared as a blank if you were from me. Not that I love you less. The intercourse of many successive years has endeared you more and more to my heart.”[4]
This love endured through many years of ministry. In 1764, John Newton became rector of the Church at Olney. It was during this time that he developed a friendship with William Cowper. Cowper was often depressed and suicidal and would require almost constant supervision by the Newtons. During this time as pastor of Olney, Newton’s fame grew as his Authentic Narrative was published.
He kept this post in Olney until 1779, when the couple moved to London. This provided far more luxury and comfort but perhaps even more busyness. From Olney and throughout his ministry in London, John was very busy, and this would have likely added some strain to their message—but their dedication to one another and the cause of Christ sustained them. Newton did not take the path of many fellow ministers during the time, who seemed to have all but abandoned their families. Newton remained dedicated to Polly.
They also endured much familial heartbreak. Mary was often gone taking care of her ailing parents and siblings. Also, though the couple never had their own children, they did adopt two of their nieces, Betsy Catlett and Eliza Cunningham. In 1774, they took in Betsy, who would outlive both the Newtons. Eliza came to the Newton’s when she was gravely ill at the age of 12. They took her in as her own until she sadly died in 1785.
It would be five years later that Polly would succumb to breast cancer. Upon her death, Newton wrote:
When I was sure she was gone, I took off her ring, according to her repeated injunction, and put it upon my own finger. I then kneeled down, with the servants who were in the room, and returned the Lord my unfeigned thanks for her deliverance and her peaceful dismission.
How wonderful must be the moment after death! What a transition did she then experience! She was instantly freed from sin, and all its attendant sorrows, and, I trust, instantly admitted to join the heavenly choir. That moment was remarkable to me, likewise. It removed from me the chief object which made another day or hour of life, as to my own personal concern, desirable. At the same time, it set me free from a weight of painful feelings and anxieties, under which nothing short of a divine power could have so long supported me.[5]
Newton was certainly grief-stricken, but it didn’t impact his ministry. He continued on in all of his ministry the next day. He even preached at Polly’s funeral. Many critiqued him for this, but his resolve here was connected to the entire pattern of their marriage. He loved Polly deeply. But he also understood that she was a gift to him from God. He held her in proper place and so he was able to hold her well.
Their love story is a beautiful reminder of the depth of Christian love. But it’s also a picture of Christ’s love for the church. It motivates us to love others deeply but to keep our affections proper so we can love people well. This kind of love flows from Christ.
Mike Leake is husband to Nikki and father to Isaiah and Hannah. He is also the lead pastor at Calvary of Neosho, MO. Mike is the author of Torn to Heal and Jesus Is All You Need. His writing home is http://mikeleake.net and you can connect with him on Twitter @mikeleake. Mike has a new writing project at Proverbs4Today.
This article originally appeared on Christianity.com. For more faith-building resources, visit Christianity.com.
Actor, comedian, podcaster, and now author, Paul Scheer took the stage at SXSW to talk about his new autobiography. You may recognize Paul from his podcast, How Did This Get Made? or from his role as Andre – the Rascal Flatts-loving, fedora-wearing nerd in FX’s The League.
His book, aptly titled, Joyful Recollections of Trauma is set to be released on May 21st.
In a world more connected yet more disconnected than ever, poet Anthony Andricks creates an immersive experience providing testament that we can overcome, find contentment, and reclaim hope and purpose.
LAKEWOOD, Ohio, March 7, 2024 (Newswire.com)
– Shrew God Publishing announces the release of Repurposed (Trial by Lineation) by Ohio poet and attorney Anthony Andricks. Repurposed isn’t only a poetry book; it’s an extraordinary feat, fusing art and emotion that captures the human experience in a tapestry of voices from the past, present, and future. The 44-year-old author draws inspiration from the experiences of iconic LGBTQ+ trailblazers and seamlessly intertwines them with his own past struggles, using a unique approach that merges the reflective tendencies of GenX with the psychotherapeutic shadow work method embraced by Millennials and GenZ. This boundary-breaking style creates an intergenerational lifeline— a cohesive and linear poetic narrative about overcoming and redemption. In a series of online interviews, Andricks provides potential readers with a sneak peek into his work and methods.
“With a suicide epidemic sweeping the country,” says Andricks, “I feel a responsibility to let others know I’ve been there. I know what it feels like to give up hope. I also know what it takes to fight through it, to find purpose again. That’s what this book is about—sharing an experience through a poetic lens to inspire others, or even just one person, to flush those pills and fight.”
Emmy-nominated producer, director, and editor Nick Ramos adds, “Repurposed is incredibly relatable, and some poems hit painfully hard. Creative genius and raw courage remarkably displayed. I loved the artwork.”
The color version of Repurposedfeatures the artwork of Cory Andricks, the author’s brother, providing stunning and unique visuals that complement the written word.
Anthony Andricks grew up in Bryan, Ohio, and presently resides in Lakewood, Ohio. Anthony graduated summa cum laude from Cleveland State University College of Law in 2012 and practices commercial real estate law at an AmLaw 200 firm where he also serves as the firmwide LGBTQ+ diversity leader.
As a teenager in my local church, my stomach would churn every time I spotted a certain lady coming to church without her husband. She was wedded in our church in a beautiful, enviable ceremony. She and her groom were visibly in love, barely able to shift their gazes from each other the entire day. My friends and I were completely enthralled by the couple’s display of love.
A few years later, the lady was still attending our church but the husband had shifted to another. I felt crushed by the turn of events in their marriage. Like most teenagers, I was greatly intrigued by the subject of marriage. Among the things I envisioned in marriage was unity, and it broke my heart to see the couple divided on which church to attend.
It’s not uncommon to find couples split down the middle on which church they should attend. One of them may, for instance, prefer a congregation inclined to liturgical worship while their partner may be sold out to charismatic worship. Couples may also differ along doctrinal lines where one partner may feel that the church preferred by the other is not doctrinally sound. How should couples proceed when pulled in opposite directions where church is concerned?
Here are six things to put to mind as you both ferret for a solution:
1. Marriage Should Exude Unity
The scriptures teach that after marriage, a man and his wife are no longer two individuals but one flesh. God then issues a warning—no one should separate those He has joined together. Unity is one of the distinctive marks of marriage. In fact, it can be said to be the foundation of marriage since the essence of marriage is leaving and cleaving.
And whilst two cannot walk together unless they are agreed, those in marriage have already decided to walk together. Seeing them walk separate ways when it comes to church attendance therefore goes against the grain. It’s like hearing a bird buzzing like a bee instead of chirping away. It’s simply not expected.
Paul referred to the Corinthian church as letters of recommendation written in his heart, to be known and read by all (2 Corinthians 3:2, ESV). Whether we realize it or not, people are scrutinizing our marriages. They yearn to see love, unity, respect, trust, godliness, fidelity, etc. They are rooting for our marriages, hoping and praying that we will weather every storm and come out triumphantly.
Besides that, God wants the light in our marriages to shine before men so that they will see our good works and glorify him in heaven (Mathew 5:16). Our marriages should be a pattern of good works. Failing to agree on a church does not bring glory to God and we should refrain from getting comfortable with such an arrangement. Furthermore, attending different churches gets very confusing for children as they get pulled in different directions. Do they attend mommy’s or daddy’s church?
2. Pray for Wisdom
There is no confusion that godly wisdom cannot quell. God does not want His children to wobble around, drenched in confusion, unsure of which path to tread. He is the Good Shepherd who leads us in green pastures (Psalm 23). He sent His Son Jesus so that we could have life in abundance. He wants the best for us and our families and loves to see us thrive! James taught that if anyone lacks wisdom, they should ask God who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to them (James 1:5-6).
Wisdom is the ability to discern what is right and acceptable. The good news? God is generous with wisdom. If you and your spouse are finding it hard to agree on a church, seek God’s wisdom. Ask Him to lead you to the right church for your family. Remember that by wisdom a house is built, and through understanding, it is established (Proverbs 24:3).
3. Settle on a Healthy Compromise
For any marriage to succeed, spouses have to ditch selfishness and uphold their spouse’s needs above theirs. Philippians 2:3 implores us to do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit but in humility, to value others above ourselves. God designed marriage as a place where Christ’s relationship with the Church would be demonstrated. That’s why Paul instructed wives to submit to their husbands as to the Lord and husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the Church and died for her (Ephesians 5:22-28).
When both of you have different opinions regarding the church to join, it’s time for both of you to cede ground for the good of the marriage. In fact, don’t wait for your spouse to be the first to relinquish their control. Believers are called to outdo each other in showing honor. Be the first to baffle him/her with your humility.
This could mean that the wife decides to settle for the church her husband is interested in, as an act of submission. This could also mean that the husband goes along with the wife’s church preference as a demonstration of his sacrificial love for her. Remember, yielding to another person’s will is not a sign of weakness but of strength and power. Jesus taught that whoever desires to become great shall first be a servant (Matthew 20:16). The way up is down.
4. Be Creative
A little creativity will go a long way in helping you and your spouse settle on a church with neither of you feeling too aggrieved. Pastor Jay of the Gospel Obsessed suggests that since almost all churches record their services, you can always listen to your favorite preacher later on in the week. So you can agree to attend the church your spouse favors and still tune in to your church of choice online. That sounds like a double blessing!
Both of you can also look for a church that caters to both of your preferences. For example, you can get a church that combines both traditional and contemporary worship styles.
5. Honor God First
What do you do if your spouse wants you to join a cult? Should you tag along for unity’s sake? As believers, our first allegiance is to God. We should not disobey God to please our spouses. In Acts 5, Peter and the other apostles were prohibited by the high priest and the Sadducees from teaching in the name of Jesus and spreading His doctrine. They didn’t mince their words on this matter. “We ought to obey God rather than men” (Acts 5:29).
We too ought to obey God rather than our spouses. We have a right to differ when they implore us to be part of churches that dishonor God. We are first accountable to God before any human being.
6. Seek Godly Counsel
A Christian counselor can help you and your spouse navigate this challenge. Christian counselors combine clinical practice approaches with religious or spiritual principles to help believers maneuver various life issues. You can also seek counsel from an older Christian couple that you trust. King Solomon observed that where there is no counsel, the people fall, but in the multitude of counselors, there is safety (Proverbs 11:14).
Keren Kanyago is a freelance writer and blogger at Parenting Spring. As a wife and mom, she uses her blog to weigh in on pertinent issues around parenting, marriage, and the Christian Faith. She holds a degree in mass communication with a specialty in print media. Follow her on Facebook and Instagram and/or shoot her an email at kerenkanyago@gmail.com.
Disclaimer: This isn’t therapy, and Dr. Audrey’s advice is for the general audience, meaning it may not always work for everyone.
Currently separated from my husband. I have intentions on remaining faithful and trying to work on our marriage. He has picked back up on bad habits, drinking, smoking weed, taking mushrooms, porn and sleeping around and staying in houses with other women. I’m hurt because I prayed and sought The Lord before getting married. . . Since knowing that he has been with other women, I’m ready to throw in towel, but it hurts because I love him and just want him to love me back. I’ve isolated myself and no one to really talk to this about. My family who are not saved always tell me I have problems and should not have married. His parents are believers but don’t encourage him to do what’s right in the sight of God. I’m very broken, can’t sleep without having bad dreams that me and my husband are done. I for sure thought God called us to be together. What should I do? We have 2 very young children together as well who ask about their father daily. – AH
I’m doubly sorry because neither your family nor his has supplied the help you need. This lack of support makes your agony even harder to bear.
Given all you’ve shared, I have three recommendations.
1. Find a Church
Nobody can survive stressful times by fighting solo. This is particularly true when young children are in the picture, like in your situation. That’s why finding a Bible-believing church needs to be one of your top priorities. Seek a spiritual house where you can feel safe enough to join.
See the word “enough” in the last sentence? I’m borrowing this principle from a famed British psychoanalyst, D. W. Winnicott. He coined the term of being a “good enough” mother. She doesn’t perfectly attune to her baby’s needs but is doing a good enough job, leaving the baby with only small amounts of frustration.
This concept is helpful because, as I’m sure you know, you can search through all denominations and still, you won’t find a perfect church. Maybe the music is too contemporary or the distance makes it daunting to go regularly. But if that place preaches the Bible and the people there love the Lord then tolerate small frustrations and get planted there.
Why?
Because our faith in God—in His goodness, love, and power to see us through—needs regular boosters, but especially during hard times. Faith comes by hearing the Word (Romans 10:17). If ever there’s a time for you not to forsake the assembling of ourselves (Hebrews 10:25), it’s now, when you’re facing a trial. So, bulk up on sermons and the Word of God.
Research also shows churchgoers tend to fare better in physical and mental health. Improved mental health might have something to do with the opportunity churchgoing creates in socializing with like-minded individuals. After all, a friend loves at all times (Proverbs 17:17); so, when you’re parched for love, hang around friends.
Isn’t it interesting this Proverb doesn’t say a spouse loves at all times? It’s sad when our own spouse treats us as though we’re as valuable as a used tissue. But a true friend wouldn’t mind babysitting for you or listening to your distress.
2. Trust God’s Grace
Should you stay married when your spouse hasn’t respected your vows?
If you believe God joined the two of you in marriage, you should fight for your relationship. “Let no one split apart what God has joined together” (Mark 10:9, NLT).
But staying married is hard when your husband is gallivanting around. For one thing, unless he’s thoroughly repentant, it’s unwise to trust him with your heart.
This is why you need to hear, for yourself, what the Almighty decrees about your situation. His view is what matters. Take His word over your family’s or even your husband’s behavior.
Especially because you can always rely on God’s grace to do His ways.
For instance, if He instructs you to stay the course, He will also grant you the grace and supernatural love for your husband as you bear this unpleasant situation. (“Love bears all things,” Paul wrote in 1 Corinthians 13:7.)
If you feel God is leading you this way, ask for specific prayer points to pray for your husband to come to his senses. Pray for you too, so you can “stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand” (Ephesians 6:13) as you continue to navigate through the hardship.
One last word on this thread.
If God called you to remain separated (at least for now), you could trust Him to deal with your man during the break. But brace yourself. Things could grow gloomier in the meantime. Whatever happens, though, you can trust Him to keep working on your husband.
Discerning what God says is best done when you shut out the world. Even with young kids to care for, there are things you can do to plan a private retreat. Read the first bullet point in this article for helpful tips.
3. IFS Therapy
Seeking God’s heart on the matter might be crucial, but teasing out His voice from our own can be complicated. Many have made the mistake and attributed to God what actually arose from their own souls.
I include myself in that number.
This is why I also recommend Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy. This unique therapy modality recognizes the many inner voices we hear as coming from different parts of our souls. Practicing IFS helps us distinguish these voices from the Almighty’s.
But let me back up and explain. We’re made up of spirit, soul, and body (1 Thessalonians 5:23). And just as our body consists of many parts, the same goes for our soul.
To determine whether you’ve heard from parts of your soul, here is a quick test. Have you noticed these inner reactions following your husband’s misbehavior?
How could he do this?
What should I do? File for divorce?
I thought God wanted us to be together. Shouldn’t we stick it out? But how, when my husband doesn’t give a flipping care?
What should I tell the kids when they ask about their dad again?
If you resonate with any of the above, that’s because you’ve heard some of your parts expressing themselves.
Validate them. Say something like: “I hear you. Thanks for sharing your opinion candidly with me. I don’t have all the answers, but God will help us get through this storm.”
Listening to our parts calms them down.
This is what it means to be still and know that He is God (Psalm 46:10). The stillness of your soul makes hearing God’s voice easier to do.
So, after spending time listening to your parts and their concerns about your husband’s hurtful behavior, invite God into the conversation. Listen to the Lord. The One who is close to the brokenhearted (Psalm 34:18) will say something soothing to you, while also steering you to the right path.
It’s easier for someone who’s trained in the model to guide you with IFS. That’s why I recommend investing in your own emotional welfare by hiring an IFS therapist. Head to the IFS Institute website to find an IFS therapist near you.
But if you don’t feel comfortable with IFS, that’s fine. Find a competent therapist who is clinically skilled and won’t undermine your worldview. (Some therapists, on hearing about your husband’s indiscretions, might quickly advise you to leave him—without hearing the other parts of you that might want to stay.)
If you want a therapist who shares your faith, check out Focus on the Family for a list of Christian therapists.
May God’s will be done in your life—as well as your husband’s—as it is in heaven (Matthew 6:10).
Audrey Davidheiser, PhD is a California licensed psychologist, certified Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapist, and IFSI-approved clinical consultant. After founding and directing a counseling center for the Los Angeles Dream Center, she now devotes her practice to survivors of trauma—including spiritual abuse. If you need her advice, visit her on www.aimforbreakthrough.comand Instagram @DrAudreyD.
Whether it’s due to a tragic event or years of pent-up hurt and unforgiveness, many of us have family members who are estranged from one another. That sibling who hasn’t spoken to you in years. That parent you haven’t wanted to reach out to. That uncle you need to avoid for your own health.
This can be a wrestle, emotionally and spiritually. It hurts when family members stop speaking to one another. We all want the happy family dreams we see on our screens. We all want unity and family memories, family celebrations, etc. But so often, reality does not quite measure up to the fantasy.
This is even more complicated when your family members begin to feel like enemies when they are out to slander you or cut you off relationally. This brings up so much heartache and pain.
While boundaries with those toxic family members are healthy and good, one way we can continue to love our estranged family members while remaining separated from them is through prayer.
But let’s be honest – when family-drama emotions are heightened, or anger is ignited when it all feels deeply unfair and hurtful – you might not know how to pray. This is when we can turn to the scriptures to find wisdom.
Psalm 41, in fact, a song by King David, was written about a season when David’s enemies were rising against him. He cries out to God for comfort in his distress and speaks honestly and openly about the pain of being attacked by a close community. Though he was not necessarily writing about estranged family members, it’s a very relatable passage of scripture.
Here are six ways to pray for your estranged family members from Psalm 41.
God, bless my family member and their loved ones. Deliver them when they are in trouble. God, protect and preserve them; count them among the blessed.
“Blessed are those who have regard for the weak; the Lord delivers them in their times of trouble. The Lord protects and preserves them—they are counted among the blessed in the land…”- Psalm 41: 1, 2
2. Lord, sustain them when they are sick, restore them when they are ill. “The Lord sustains them on their sickbeds and restores them from their bed of illness. – Psalm 41: 3
3. Jesus, have mercy on us both and stop any false accusations or slander that is destroying our relationship. “I said, “Have mercy on me, Lord; heal me, for I have sinned against you. My enemies say of me in malice, “When will he die and his name perish?” When one of them comes to see me, he speaks falsely while his heart gathers slander; then he goes out and spreads it around. – Psalm 41: 4-6
4. God, I am deeply sad and angry that they have turned against me. Heal my heart and theirs. Bring our relationship to full restoration if that is your will. “Even my close friend, someone I trusted, one who shared my bread, has turned[ against me. But may you have mercy on me, Lord; raise me up, that I may repay them. – Psalm 41: 9,10
5. In the meantime, the Spirit of God transforms them (and me) into people of integrity. Uphold and set us all in your presence forever, even though we are not currently in each other’s presence. “Because of my integrity you uphold me and set me in your presence forever.”- Psalm 41: 12
6. I praise you, oh God, your love is everlasting, even when human love fails. “Praise be to the Lord, the God of Israel, from everlasting to everlasting. Amen and Amen.” – Psalm 41: 13
What you’ll be surprised to discover, as you pray this Psalm over your estranged family member(s), is this – though the relationship might not change or be reconciled, your heart will soften and be transformed.
God will meet you in the frustration of it all and invite you into a newer, deeper family relationship with him.
Aubrey Sampson is a pastor, author, speaker, and cohost of The Common Good on AM1160 in Chicago. You can preorder her upcoming children’s book, Big Feeling Days: A Book About Hard Things, Heavy Emotions, and Jesus’ Love, and find and follow her @aubsamp on Instagram. Go to aubreysampson.com for more.
This article originally appeared on Christianity.com. For more faith-building resources, visit Christianity.com.
Grandparents are supposed to be kid experts. We’ve raised our own children and by now should be seasoned and mellowed-out enough to roll with the ups and downs of our grandkids’ lives. Those of us with new grandbabies harbor visions of becoming the perfect, loved-more-than-anybody-else Mimi, or Lolli, or Pops, or whatever cute name we’ve decided to be called.
Then the pre-teen and teen years come along and our bubble bursts. Oh, our grandchildren still love us bunches—and we still can’t believe the overwhelming love we hold for them—but their struggling hormones make them difficult to live with at home and even at our house.
We want to carry on rational, adult conversations with them, yet sometimes struggle with what to say. And sometimes we fail to say the right things and we know it.
To help identify quagmires, what types of conversations should we definitely avoid?
1. Insulting words about their parents
Lighthearted stories about the antics and pranks of your own children can be entertaining for your grandchildren. These are fine, and even lend a sense of pride at being old enough to hear them along with learning family lore. But if you still feel unhappy or sad about the behavior of one of your grandchild’s parents, she doesn’t need to know—unless she expresses the same emotion first in a conversation.
Even then, she needs your guidance to navigate toward an effective and positive way of dealing with her feelings. It’s not your place to confide in your grandchildren about the failures of their parents.
Another sticky area is when our grandchild’s parents are divorced. No matter how the custody is arranged, and no matter how dysfunctional we might think our kid’s ex-spouse is, the child does not need to hear it from us. They love Mom and Dad and are trying to work out their own thoughts.
We don’t have to praise that parent, but it’s important to speak carefully when the subject comes up. In our case, we simply choose to keep busy with other topics—there is plenty of activity in our grandson’s life to talk about. When he mentions the other parent, we listen, comment in a way that lets him know we heard and value his words, and then move on to another subject.
2. Stories about how much worse you had it as a kid
You know how these stories go. “I had to walk two miles in the snow to school every day—uphill both ways!” Or, “We never got to wear pants to school, even though I walked three blocks to the bus stop in sub-freezing weather.” And then there is this one, “We only had one family car, and everybody shared it. I never had my own car.” Actually, the last two examples were from my personal experience.
While it might be okay to tell these stories, they should never be used to make a child feel as if she is taking things for granted or like her feelings aren’t valid. Maybe she is being ungrateful but helping her identify her blessings might be a better way to approach the subject.
While you may think you had a really tough life as a young person, your difficulties didn’t seem any worse to you than your grandkids’ do to them. Yes, they have different problems, but that doesn’t make theirs less painful.
The grandparent who constantly tells stories to “one-up” their grandchild runs the risk of never being taken seriously, or worse, being viewed as an old, out-of-touch person who doesn’t understand modern life—and is therefore irrelevant.
3. Negative bias about the younger generation
I used to hear this from an elderly aunt every time our family visited her. She was convinced the reason for the increased crime rate in her city—and the unemployment rate, and every other social ill—was teenagers and their bad behavior.
Admittedly, teen gangs were becoming a problem at that time, but the reasons for the rise in gang activity were, and still are, complex. All her problems were not due to teenagers!
A doomsday view of society is not only unhelpful but can frighten our grandchildren. Placing blame on a particular generation merely perpetuates stereotypes. It doesn’t solve any problems. Do we have issues facing us today that were unheard of in our youth? Certainly. This is always going to be true, regardless of the decade.
Unfortunately, a downward spiral of society is the natural trend of mankind apart from the intervention of God. So, if there is any blame, maybe we should look at ourselves to see how often we pray for a spiritual awakening, and how open we are to the Holy Spirit working in our lives.
A great conversation to have with our grandchildren might be about finding ways to make a difference in their world. Do you know of any kids who are doing something special? Can you brainstorm with your grandkids possible options for them?
Maybe offer to take the oldest on a mission trip with you to work with children in a third-world country. Such an experience can change a teenager’s life and possibly their career choice. And it can make the problems at home seem less daunting for both of you.
I know of one family whose son became interested in local politics. He began writing letters to the editor of the newspaper, and eventually wrote articles they printed. He’s in college now preparing for a future in policy making. He was encouraged by his parents and grandparents to help change what he saw as problems.
I would have benefitted from my aunt’s concerns if she had encouraged me to volunteer serving meals at a homeless ministry instead of listening to her berate those homeless people for daring to sleep on her street.
4. Condemning all electronics and social media as evil
Different families allow differing amounts and types of screen time for their children. It’s important that as grandparents, we don’t criticize the rules our grandkids have at home. We might think they spend too much time on their phones at home, and they might bring them to our house. But we can set our own rules.
Banning cell phones from the dinner table and limiting other screen time is reasonable, and can be discussed without condemning the devices.
Refusing to acknowledge the reality a child lives in, and limiting conversation about it to negative comments, only serves to drive him away. He won’t want to go to Nanny and Papa’s house if all they do is nag him about putting away his phone.
There are plenty of activities in which to engage with your grandchildren that keep them moving and thinking and talking. Be creative in discovering things you can do together. This will naturally lead to less screen time.
But if a child wants to talk about a video game she plays, make an effort to educate yourself about that game so you can talk intelligently about it. And when a rainy day comes along, enjoy a movie or play a video game together. You can even text silly memes across the room to each other.
Relax, Grandma. The world won’t end if you join Snapchat with your grandchildren. It might even help you keep up with their lives.
5. Any comment that degrades their worth
Sometimes, the birth of a grandchild doesn’t happen in happy circumstances. Many different issues might be the reason, but the result is a child who bears no responsibility for any of them. And any associated drama can spill over onto this precious one. So let’s be conscious of our words so we don’t add to it.
The child might act out his frustrations in behavior that grabs our attention. This does make our lives more difficult. But we need to remember that bad behavior does not equal a bad child. Separating the behavior from our emotions helps us deal with it appropriately. Then we can express our love more easily—because unconditional love is what we as grandparents need to offer.
Many grandparents even gain custody of their grandkids in order to give them the best chance at a hopeful future. If this is you, please know you are my heroes. But your stress level may be extremely high. That’s when it’s easy to let it slip just how hard life is because of the child.
And we all know that pre-teen and teenage kids are simply a pain sometimes because of their tumultuous hormones and chaotic social lives. Life is more challenging with these kids than with younger ones.
However, these years also present opportunities for fun along with meaningful experiences. Attending any event your grandchild participates in means more to them than they may ever express. And some of the best conversations that build lasting relationships and trust can happen late at night when your grandchild sleeps over.
These categories are all negative in tone, and that’s why we should avoid them. While we shouldn’t shy away from difficult subjects, we need to keep our tone positive.
Every topic can have an upside, and we need to help our grandkids find it. They are bombarded daily with negativity, but we can point them toward the bright view.
After all, Philippians 4:8 tells us to think pure, noble, lovely, and virtuous thoughts. Surely that means to talk in the same manner—to everyone, not just our grandchildren.
Kathryn Graves, author of the book Fashioned by God, is a style expert, fashion coach, and Premier Designs jewelry consultant. She is also a pastor’s wife and Bible teacher. Kathryn helps women discover the source of real beauty in Jesus, freeing them to gain confidence in their personal styles. She is Mimi to three grandsons, and loves to play with color, both in fashion and interior design, and painting with pastels.
Many married American couples envision their marriage bed as a sacred space. It is a place where you can dependably reconnect at the end of the day.
If it’s not with some conversation, it is just by being snuggled up in the same cozy space as you both drift off to sleep. It’s a place you commit to returning to together no matter how the day went.
For many, leaving the bed to sleep elsewhere can be a sign of anger, separation, and can undermine your feeling of connectivity in your relationship. Sleeping apart from one another can be seen as the first step taken away from one another when your marriage is facing tension.
But sometimes, couples just have to because of their life situations.
Why do we see a growing number of couples opting to sleep in separate beds and sometimes also opting to sleep in separate rooms? According to a 2017 survey from the National Sleep Foundation, almost one in four married couples sleep in separate beds.
Is sleeping in separate spaces a sign of a relational break or just a pragmatic decision for more individual comfort? Let’s explore the potential consequences of this growing trend.
What Is Sleep Divorce?
While the term sleep divorce sounds a little dramatic, the reality is that the term is just referring to a decision some couples make to sleep in separate spaces for the sake of better rest.
While the trend is growing in popularity now, it is not a new idea. As recent as the 1960’s couples sleeping in separate beds or places was fairly common.
Over the past 50 plus years sleeping in the same bed became the norm for married couples but researchers are finding that up to 25% of married couples are choosing different arrangements.
Why Do Couples Choose to Sleep Divorce?
Sleep divorce may be prompted due to a couple’s differering schedule or inability to rest well in the same bed with your spouse.
I know firsthand that there are seasons where separated sleep is necessary due to circumstances outside potential marital conflict.
When we brought each of our babies home there were times when we had to sleep separately in order to facilitate better sleep for each other. I would take the first part of the night with the baby and then sometime in the early hours, my husband would come back upstairs to our room to take the baby downstairs to rest so I had at least 4 hours of uninterrupted sleep.
That was a gracious gift as my Momma body could not fully rest with our loud grunting little nuggets right beside me.
Some couples may be in a situation where they work opposite schedules. This can make sleeping at the same time in the same bed impossible.
Many others report factors such as loud snoring, disagreements about lighting, temperature preferences, and other disagreements about comfortable sleeping preferences have led them to opt for separate beds and/or separate rooms.
Couples select to separate at night for a variety of reasons ranging from practical concerns such as opposite schedules; to those who separate because they cannot agree to be in the same space together any longer.
Is Sleep Divorce Biblical?
Sleeping arrangements are mostly a cultural construct and the ways we have chosen to sleep in our homes have changed tremendously over the years due to a necessity or cultural norms of the time.
The Bible doesn’t offer specific instructions on things like where we should sleep when we are married but it does give us a lot of other advice for our marriages that we can draw on to help us navigate these sorts of decisions.
Ephesians 5 outlines many principles that can guide us in our marriages. It advises that we keep away from any sexual immorality, that we show each other love and respect, that we cherish one another, and that we serve each other. Let these be the standards that you judge your decisions by.
All of our decisions should be born of a desire to love one another as Christ would.
That means if sleeping together, even if it means less than stellar sleep, can be important to showing one another love. On the other hand, giving each other the freedom to rest without interruption can be an amazing gift of service and love to your spouse (particularly if you have a newborn).
Let love and open communication guide you and you can’t go wrong.
Before You Decide, Check Your Motives
Is choosing to opt for a so-called “sleep divorce” bad for your marriage?
Honestly, this is a hard question to answer because relationship and family circumstances vary so greatly!
Many couples are making these kinds of choices for purely practical reasons such as taking turns tending to a newborn or working opposite shifts, while for others the decision to separate at night may be a worrisome signal that things are decaying in your relationship.
Determining the line between “I need to sleep alone for the sake of getting better rest” and “I don’t want to be in the same space as you” can get fuzzy.
When dealing with circumstances that lead to the need to rest separately, clear communication and intentional times of connection have to be even more of a priority because you are missing out on a built-in time of shared space that a common bed allows for.
Sophie Jacobi-Parisi, a New York attorney at Warshaw Burstein, who practices matrimonial and family law, said that “couples that choose to sleep separately but don’t have a conversation around why they are making the change, it can be another step in the path toward divorce.”
She makes the point that there can be many practical reasons as to why separate sleeping arrangements may be beneficial but if we are not clear in our communication with one another as to why we are making these types of decisions this can be one step closer to separation or divorce.
The bottom line is that the decision to sleep separately is one that should not be taken lightly.
If there is a real need for this arrangement, communication with one another surrounding this decision is very important to make sure that it is not a choice to step away from your commitment to your marriage.
Every step we take away from our spouses, be it physically or emotionally, has the potential for negative long-term consequences. Wisdom invites us to weigh these types of decisions carefully.
How to Keep a Healthy Marriage While Sleeping Separately
If you are in a season of life where it feels impossible or disruptive to each other’s rest to sleep in the same bed there are a few ways to make sure you get through this season well.
1. Identify the sleep issue and determine the best way to remedy it.
For example, if opposite schedules mean you can’t go to bed together, then identify ways you are going to take time to rest together. There is something special about spending time resting together.
While many think best sleep comes alone, there is research that shows that sharing a bed actually leads to better sleep. Potential benefits include falling to sleep faster, lowered blood pressure, a boosted immune system, helps curb anxiety, and even can slow down aging!
If you are trading off dealing with children, one suggestion would be to do this switch during the week but reserve the weekends to still sleep in the same bed together. Another idea is to spend time together in bed catching up and snuggling before separating to your posts to get some rest.
If separating is due to snoring, a health concern, or another issue, make sure you are thorough in discussing how to make sure you both know that the decision to sleep separately is not a decision to live separately.
While it is easy to see the practical need for rest it is important to care and nurture each other’s feelings.
Find ways to express your desire to remain near one another in life even if your circumstances prohibit being together in the night hours.
2. Revisit your sleep arrangements frequently.
No decision like this should be permanent. Just because something works well or is necessary for one season does not mean it is good for all seasons.
Choosing to come back together to the same bed, even if it means lost sleep, is 100% worth it if it is going to bring your marriage closer together again.
We sacrifice sleep for so many other causes: our children, video games, binge-watching TV, and even work. It is reasonable to expect to have to sacrifice some sleep for the sake of your marriage.
Be wary of a temporary season of sleep separation becoming permanent. This could be a sign of a growing disconnect in your relationship.
Once that baby is sleeping then you should return to sleeping in your same bed or at least should be talking about what new arrangement would work best for both of you.
When your situation changes, it is important not to ignore the conversation around sleep arrangements. This can lead to resentment and false assumptions being made by each of you.
3. Be mindful of how your sex life is affected by your sleep arrangements.
One very practical reason to sleep in the same bed is that you are in the same place at the same time alone, giving you the chance to be intimate with one another.
If I just fall asleep on the couch before going to bed, there is a much lower chance I am going to be up for getting intimate with my husband. If you are parents, practically you need the late hours of the night to be able to have the privacy required to have intercourse.
Separate beds or separate rooms can become barriers to having access to one another sexually.
This of course does not have to be the case. If you are mindful of each other’s needs and make it a point to be available to one another at other times of the day or are willing to travel across beds or even rooms to be intimate, then it is possible to keep a thriving sex life under this arrangement.
Nonetheless, we know that a sexless marriage can be one factor that leads to divorce. Keep tabs on if your sleeping arrangement is affecting your sex life is a good way to determine if something is amiss in your relationship.
Loving your spouse well often means sacrifice.
Depending on your circumstances that sacrifice may look like buying ear plugs so you can remain close in the night to your chainsaw snoring spouse. It can also look like giving up your side of the bed so your baby and Momma have a safe space to rest together during those harrowing early months of life.
If we want our marriages to thrive we have to be careful to be taking steps closer to one another, showing each other love and consideration in our every decision.
Let that be your guide on how you navigate rest as you share your lives with one another.
Amanda Idleman is a writer whose passion is to encourage others to live joyfully. She writes devotions for My Daily Bible Verse Devotional and Podcast, Crosswalk Couples Devotional, the Daily Devotional App, she has work published with Her View from Home, on the MOPS Blog, and is a regular contributor for Crosswalk.com. She has most recently published a devotional, Comfort: A 30 Day Devotional Exploring God’s Heart of Love for Mommas. You can find out more about Amanda on her Facebook Page or follow her on Instagram.
I saw the trailer for Mean Girls being promoted. Twenty years after its original release, it is now a musical adaptation promising to be a production extravaganza with easy-to-remember tunes and spectacular choreography. It got me thinking that we do have a fascination with mean girls, the popular bullies who make life miserable for others.
People have contradicting feelings toward mean girls. Just think of the Mean Girls movie set on a campus. The stereotypical mean girls are the cheerleaders, walking around in their cute uniforms. They are the high school’s team spirit generators. Many admire them, but many hate them too. They are admired because they usually are good-looking. They have the power to get what they want and even influence some administrators. But they also make life difficult for the underdogs.
In a 2018 article she wrote in Psychology Today, Katie Hurley said, “The ‘mean girl’ narrative is so ingrained in our culture that many consider it a ‘rite of passage’ of sorts when it comes to surviving girlhood.” That means one must grin and bear the existence of and maltreatment by these power-tripping girls and pray they get out alive! And if you suffer from poor mental health from constant bullying, well, you can seek treatment to “get over it.”
Kirsten was the guest speaker at a women’s event. She admitted to exhibiting mean girl behavior in the past. She said, “I created pain in others!” This aggression resulted from losing her mom when she was only 12. Unable to properly process her grief from her loss, and without a mother to guide her to womanhood, she started watching how other young girls and women behaved. Her young mind was impressed by the beautiful, popular, mean girls at school. They got the best of everything and everyone. She decided that becoming one of them was her key to happiness. No one needed to know that she was in pain. She would cause the pain!
“There’s a complex web of insecurity, anxiety, and conditioned attitudes that underlies the mean girl stereotype,” a Newport Academy article said. This means the power-tripping mean girl is basically like any other teenager—an immature individual going through self-esteem issues. There’s a lot of growing up and navigation happening within this person’s body, physically, emotionally, mentally, and socially. And left to her own whims and fantasies, she can choose to be part of the “queen bee” group and make life a living nightmare for someone else to mask her own difficulties.
The Mean Girls of the Bible
As Solomon says, “There is nothing new under the sun” (Ecclesiastes 1:9). Mean girls have been in existence for thousands of years. Some of them have grown into women, yet never learned to shed their ugly behavior to do the right thing. Let’s look at some of them.
“Ahab the son of Omri reigned over Israel in Samaria twenty-two years. And Ahab the son of Omri did evil in the sight of the Lord, more than all who were before him. And as if it had been a light thing for him to walk in the sins of Jeroboam the son of Nebat, he took for his wife Jezebel the daughter of Ethbaal king of the Sidonians, and went and served Baal and worshiped him. He erected an altar for Baal in the house of Baal, which he built in Samaria. And Ahab made an Asherah. Ahab did more to provoke the Lord, the God of Israel, to anger than all the kings of Israel before him” (1 Kings 16:29-33).
Here’s Ahab, who was influenced by his wife, Jezebel, to turn away from the One True God of Israel to become an idolater. Knowing how much God hated graven images and their worship, Ahab provoked his own King.
Enter Elijah, God’s prophet, who came to Ahab to let him know that God spoke of a drought. During the dry years and while Elijah was away, Jezebel had killed most of God’s prophets except for the 100 hidden away by Obadiah (a man who feared the Lord and oversaw Ahab’s household) in caves.
In the third year of the drought, there was an “accidental” meeting between Obadiah and Elijah. Elijah, again, was bringing the Word of God to Ahab. This was the message: “You have abandoned the commandments of the Lord and followed the Baals. Now therefore send and gather all Israel to me at Mount Carmel, and the 450 prophets of Baal and the 400 prophets of Asherah, who eat at Jezebel’s table” (1 Kings 18:18-19).
God made it known who He was and that Elijah was His mouthpiece through a miraculous battle. And all the prophets of Baal were slaughtered by Elijah:
“Ahab told Jezebel all that Elijah had done, and how he had killed all the prophets with the sword. Then Jezebel sent a messenger to Elijah, saying, ‘So may the gods do to me and more also, if I do not make your life as the life of one of them by this time tomorrow.’ Then [Elijah] was afraid, and he arose and ran for his life…” (1 Kings 19:1-3).
Perhaps cowering in fear of Jezebel’s wrath, Ahab decided that it was best to break the bad news of the slaying of Baal’s prophets to his mean-spirited wife to stir up her anger. Then, there’s Elijah who allowed a bully’s message to extinguish the fire of God’s victory. He succumbed to becoming a mean girl’s emotional and mental hostage.
Then there’s Herodias and her daughter’s story. They used their influence to send someone to die.
“For Herod had seized John and bound him and put him in prison for the sake of Herodias, his brother Philip’s wife, because John had been saying to him, ‘It is not lawful for you to have her.’ And though he wanted to put him to death, he feared the people, because they held him to be a prophet. But when Herod’s birthday came, the daughter of Herodias danced before the company and pleased Herod, so that he promised with an oath to give her whatever she might ask. Prompted by her mother, she said, ‘Give me the head of John the Baptist here on a platter.’ And the king was sorry, but because of his oaths and his guests he commanded it to be given. He sent had John beheaded in prison, and his head was brought on a platter and given to the girl, and she brought it to her mother.” Matthew 14:3-11
An adulterous relationship was confronted by John and the involved parties didn’t like the message. The mean girls’ team of mother and daughter worked together to execute a perfect death plan. “Off with John’s head!” was the special request to the king. And then there was no more voice of righteousness to convict Herod and Herodias of their affair.
Evil Begets Evil!
Why is it so important to be the top dog? Kirsten, the guest speaker, said she used to scope out the room to find the current reigning “queen” and strategically planned her fall. Kirsten needed to be the alpha female and did everything in her power to make it happen!
A mean girl’s desire to control everything begins when her life is in chaos! Jezebel’s prophets of Baal were dead, and she needed to punish Elijah for this. Herodias didn’t want to be reminded of her sin, so she needed to remove John from the picture. James said, “Sin when it is fully grown brings forth death” (1:15).
Let’s wake up and see the truth! Mean girls are not worth emulating, even if they are portrayed as the popular people in society and are sometimes celebrated on TV, film, and social media! Mean girl motivations are wrong, and they need to be corrected before they destroy others. Just think of the influence of Jezebel to her husband and Herodias to her daughter. Not good at all!
The Apostle Paul said, “Take no part in the unfruitful works of darkness, but instead expose them. For it is shameful to even speak of the things that they do in secret. But when anything is exposed by the light, it becomes visible, for anything that becomes visible is light. Therefore it says, ‘Awake, O sleeper, and arise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you’” (Ephesians 5:11-14).
In the end, mean girls will also destroy themselves. Just watch the ending of the Mean Girls movie, if you get the chance. The Apostle Paul encourages us to “look carefully then how [we] walk, not as unwise but as wise!” while there is still time (Ephesians 5:15).
Luisa Collopy is an author, speaker and a women’s Bible study teacher. She also produces Mula sa Puso (From the Heart) in Tagalog (her heart language), released on FEBC Philippines stations. Luisa loves spending time with her family over meals and karaoke!
Jesus said the greatest command is to love God, but the second greatest command is to love people. I will admit that sometimes loving people seems like a much bigger challenge than loving God. Yet we are commanded throughout the Bible to love people. So to help you, I want to share six principles that will help you do this.
The reason God can command every believer to love is because he loved us first. This truth alone removes every excuse you could possibly give for not loving other people. Any reason you want to bring as evidence why you should not love someone gets overturned by the truth that God loved you first.
God did not love you when you were good or had everything together. He loved you when you were engaged in your sin, at your worst, when you weren’t even thinking about him. If he can love you when you were at your lowest moments, then surely you can show that same kind of love to other people.
2. Love Is Not an Emotional Response, It Is a Decision of the Will
While there are emotional aspects of love, the root of love has nothing to do with emotions. The truth is we don’t feel to love, we will to love. If love was based on our feelings or emotions, then love would be unstable, unsteady, and unpredictable. Your love would change from day to day and moment to moment just as your emotions do.
Since love is based on your will, that means whether you love someone is a matter of choice. Choosing to love is intentional. That also means choosing not to love is intentional too. We all have people in our lives who are easier to love than others, but the command does not change. When you think of the most difficult person in your life to love, remember that God loved you first. Remembering that truth will help you to choose to love that person.
3. Choosing Not to Love Is a Form of Self-Righteousness
One of the most challenging groups of people to love are those who have hurt you. However, the Bible does not add being hurt by someone as a reason for not loving them. Jesus said it plainly in Matthew:
“You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you’” (Matthew 5:43-44).
When someone has hurt you, it is possible you will use that hurt as a reason to justify why you won’t love them. Here’s the problem: You don’t understand what you are really saying. When you choose not to love someone, you are saying they are not worthy of your love or they don’t deserve your love.
Could there be a more self-righteous statement than that?
Consider all the times we have hurt God by our sin and disobedience. We don’t deserve his love, but he still gives it anyway. He gives it not because we deserve it but because we need it. In the same way, we don’t love people because they deserve it. We love them because we have been recipients of God’s great and underserved love. So, the same manner you have received love should be the same manner in which you give love.
4. Love Does Not Mean You Like the Person or That You Will Get Along with That Person
Sometimes we think to love someone means we must maintain a close relationship with them. This is not always true. Sometimes there may be personality clashes or people you don’t get along with very well. These can be friends or even some family members. In these cases, sometimes it only makes sense to not be too close to them. However, that does not mean you cannot love them. It just means you may have to do it from a distance.
Corinthians tells us love is patient, kind, not jealous or rude. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. You may not like or agree with a person, but you can still be kind, patient, and not rude. You can care about their well-being and not keep a record of their wrong doings. Let’s not forget you can also pray for them. Notice you pray for them not against them.
There is one person in my life who is more difficult for me to love than others. Something about his personality and the way he has treated me and other people rubs me the wrong way. However, this does not give me license not to love him. I can still be kind, patient, not rude if I ever encounter him. I may keep my distance, but I can still love him. If I choose not to love him, I am saying he is not worthy of my love, which is a form of self-righteousness, and that is sin.
One caveat: If you are married, then this principle will apply differently. The main difference is you have made a commitment to your spouse to be with them until death do you part. That covenant requires you to work out any potential differences you and your spouse may have.
5. Love Does Not Mean Blanket Acceptance
The world has a misguided view of love. It often defines love as acceptance. According to the world, the evidence you love the person is you love their behavior, their lifestyle, and everything about them. That is not true. Love means you love the person. It does not require you to love their behavior. God loved us while we were sinners, but he did not and does not love the sins we commit.
There may be people in your life who are engaged in sinful lifestyles you don’t approve of. That does not give you permission to be self-righteous and judgmental. But, we must continue to love the person the same way God still loves sinners today. The challenge we have is separating the behavior from the person. We often tie them together and we often see their sin and define them by their sin.
This is why God’s love is so different. He looks at our sinful condition and sees our need. Sometimes as Christians we can be quick to judge and when that happens, we lose our compassion. All we see is their sin and we don’t see their need to be set free from that sin.
When Jesus walked the earth, he had this habit of sitting and eating with sinners. Never once did he accept their sinful lifestyle, condone their sin, or engage in it. However, he knew that they were lost without him, so he had to attempt to reach them. After all, that is why he came.
Let’s make sure we are loving sinners and recognizing that loving the sinner does not mean we must love and accept their sin. As we love them, the hope is they would experience the love of God and recognize he wants to call them out of their sin and into a new life in Christ.
6. Loving Like Jesus Requires Courage
“Later, Levi invited Jesus and his disciples to his home as dinner guests, along with many tax collectors and other disreputable sinners. (There were many people of this kind among Jesus’ followers)” (Mark 2:15, NLT).
Tax collectors were among the worst sinners at that time, and people hated them. Yet we find Jesus in Levi’s home with other tax collectors and disreputable sinners sitting down and having a meal. Here is how the Pharisees responded.
“But when the teachers of religious law who were Pharisees saw him eating with tax collectors and other sinners, they asked his disciples, ‘Why does he eat with such scum?’” (Mark 2:16, NLT).
If there was social media back then, I am sure this image of Jesus eating with sinners would have gone viral. A Pharisee would have posted this with a caption, Jesus eats with scum or Jesus seen with devious tax collectors and other horrible sinners.
Jesus knew he would get backlash from the religious leaders, yet he did it anyway. That’s because love takes courage. If you are going to love like Jesus, you will need some courage too. Loving people, especially sinners and those we self-righteously deem as unworthy of our love, is about building bridges. When you seek to do this, sometimes the ones who won’t like the bridge you are trying to build are those in the church. But build them anyway because we have a responsibility to reach those who are lost with the gospel and to go after sheep who may have wandered away. This is going to take courage, but remember if we don’t do it, nobody else will.
Final Thought
As you go forward and you choose to love people I will leave you with one thought that sums up why we need to be people who love others.
“A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another” (John 13:34-35).
Have you ever wondered why God created grandparents? For most of us, we couldn’t imagine our lives without them.
I know I can’t! I was lucky enough to have not just a grandmother, but a great-grandmother too. My grandfathers had passed on before my birth, but we do not forget their lives and legacies.
God created everything for a purpose, and that didn’t get lost on grandparents. Let’s explore five reasons God created grandparents.
1. Grandparents Never Stop Being Parents
My parents often remind me that I am their little girl. I even tell my own children, they will always be my babies. It does not matter how big they get or what job they have; we are still their parents. This thought overflows from the generation before us.
My granny had three children and there were countless times I would hear her correcting them or giving instruction. I used to think it was funny to hear my granny speak to her grown children that way, but it makes perfect sense today.
Parenting is not an action you can turn on and off. Grandparents are no longer on the front lines of parenting, but they still have an important role to play. Whenever mom or dad needs advice, support, help, or a shoulder to cry on, they are there. Grandparents also have the unique ability to parent their grandchildren when mom or dad can’t.
2. Grandparents Hold the Family Together
When I became a mother, my views on family became narrower. I often only considered what was happening in my home. My role was to keep my household running, and that often left me in the dark to what was happening in my extended family. Today, I find myself asking my mom or dad about extended family members.
Grandparents no longer have the responsibility of raising their own children. They have entered a season of life that finds them keeping up with the happenings of the extended family. Often, I would hear my granny or grandma talk about aunts, uncles, and cousins that lived miles from me. They would relay the message when a baby was on the way, someone was graduating from high school, or there was a death in the family.
Without my grandparents, I wouldn’t know how my extended family was doing. My grandparents were the glue holding the pieces together. They were the cornerstone of our family.
In the Bible, they refer to Jesus as the cornerstone (Ephesians 2:19-20). A cornerstone was the most important part of a structure’s foundation. If the cornerstone failed, the entire building would fall. Without grandparents to keep us together, our families would fall.
Grandparents are the ones that keep up with everyone. They plan the family gatherings and check in with family members. As the cornerstone of the family, grandparents make sure that all family members have what they need, and know we love them.
3. Grandparents Provide a Support System
Having a support system is so important for any season of life. Personally, I found myself needing a support system when my son, Jackson, turned three. At that time, he was diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome and needed speech and occupational therapy. I had no idea what I was going to do with my husband working full time, and we had a two-year-old daughter.
While all this was happening, I learned granny would come to the rescue. She would go with me to therapy appointments and babysit our daughter. Granny always listened when I needed to vent and gave me some of the best advice on earth.
Grandparents provide their children and grandchildren with an irreplaceable support system. They can help watch children when mom and dad are working. They can help get the homework done before mom gets home to cook dinner.
Grandparents can be a sounding board for their grandchildren as well. Often, children will open up to their grandparents when they won’t with their parents. Children feel like grandma and grandpa will understand them and be less judgmental. I always felt like I could say anything to my grandma, and she would keep my secrets.
When grandparents are part of your support system, they greatly reduce the level of family stress. Emotional and behavioral issues in children are reduced and parents can rest easy knowing their children are being cared for when they are at work or handling other daily responsibilities.
4. Grandparents Deliver Wisdom to their Families
Our grandparents know how hard life can be. They also know how much easier we have it now than they did as a child. The lessons they have learned in their lifetime can serve us well if we listen.
My daughter asked me several years ago where I learned to sew. I was working on a cross-stitch project, and she wanted to help. As I began teaching her how to thread a needle and begin making the cross-stitch, I was reminded of summers with granny.
Granny Annie would babysit me during the summer while mom and dad worked. She always brought her sewing projects to work on. One day I asked her the same question my daughter asked me. She handed me a needle and began teaching me to sew.
That wisdom from granny taught me how to mend holes in socks, shirts, and pants. Her lessons and stories made me appreciate the luxuries I had. They also taught me that hard work killed no one.
Grandparents deliver wisdom not only to their grandchildren, but their adult children. Anytime I have a problem, I go to mine or my husband’s parents. I know they have raised children and most likely dealt with whatever I am dealing with before.
Grandparents offer a special place to gain wisdom just as the Lord offers us the Holy Spirit to gain wisdom and knowledge.
5. Grandparents Pass on the Family Legacy
Throughout the Bible, we can find verses that tell us God commanded His people to tell the next generation of His deeds. God knew how easily we forget what He has done for us. We need reminding, so God created grandparents.
Passing on a legacy is about helping those who came after you decide how they want to live their lives. Our grandparents pass on a family legacy by living a certain way and sharing the roots of their family.
My great-grandma was always telling us about her life as a young bride and new mother. She talked about giving birth at home before the midwife got there. She would tell us how she had to wash clothes, get food for the family, and help on the farm. My great-grandma has left a legacy of hard work and dedication to her family.
There is nothing more precious than the legacy grandparents leave with their family. Passing on stories of their childhood and sharing lessons they learned in life strengthens you. My granny Annie was a strong woman. She worked hard and loved everyone.
What I remember the most about her was her ability to forgive. She never held a grudge and let bitterness affect her life. That is the life I want to live.
My grandparents wanted us to always remember where we came from, just as God wants His children to remember what He brought them out of.
RELATED PODCAST: Check out this free, inspiring bedtime story for your grandkids!
Ashley Hooker is a freelance writer who spends her time homeschooling her two children, ministering alongside her husband as he pastors a rural church in West Virginia, and writing about her faith. Currently, she is a contributing author for Journey Christian magazine. She has taken part in mission trips with the NC Baptist Men during the devastation of Hurricanes Katrina and Harvey in Mississippi and Texas. In her local church, she has served on various committees focusing in the area of evangelism along with traveling to West Virginia and Vermont to share the Gospel. Her dream is to spend her time writing and sharing the love of Christ with all she meets.
My husband and I reluctantly entered the room with our new marriage counselor. We were both anxious about the upcoming conversations and hopeful that bringing an outsider into our relationship. The session started with a comprehensive family history, which revealed our parents had remained married, thankfully upping our chances of overcoming the issues that we faced in our union. Yes!
Next, our counselor asked if we had experienced any major breaks in trust. He asked about sexual promiscuity, pornography, financial trust, affairs, and other lies that may have undermined the foundation of trust between us. We answered these questions honestly, revealing that none of these obvious violations had taken place between us. He cheerfully reported the odds of our success looked good! We left feeling encouraged.
We stayed faithful to our counseling sessions and made some progress toward healing. We soon felt we were doing well enough to step back from attending these sessions. Fast forward a few years, and the issues between us had grown. We felt more lost and hopeless in our relationship than ever before.
We have since resumed counseling a second time with a new therapist and have found the healing that had eluded us the first go around. In retrospect, I realized that the reason why the first time didn’t “take” for us is that the questions about trust overlooked one major area where trust is vital in marriage. Emotional trust had been lost between us.
I’d venture to say that one of the primary marriage killers is when emotional trust is broken. This can be harder to spot, understand, and manage because it’s much more subtle than the traditional big breaks we know bring marriages to an end.
It starts when we go to our partner with a need, a want, a failure, a desire, and we are rejected many times over. Eventually, what happens is we start building walls that keep us insulated from our spouse. We no longer trust each other with the important stuff.
Our Story
In our home, it got so bad that I was nervous to ask my husband to do small tasks, such as passing me a fork. I was worried that any request could be used against me, but I wouldn’t know until I asked for something more taxing, such as emotional support for the stress I was feeling as a mom. Then, the way I asked for a fork the day earlier would be ammunition as to why I was either chronically at fault, I was failing as a wife, and ultimately, as a reason not to show me love and support when I needed it. I would grow more hurt and distraught, confirming my husband’s feelings that I was “crazy,” too emotional, unreasonable, unsafe, and all around not worth it.
This kind of cycle of distrust, bitterness, disunity, and unhealthy communication grows unbearable over time. Though we were deeply committed to our marriage, the lack of emotional trust had corroded any goodwill that we were clinging to in our marriage. At the end of our 15th year of marriage, I told my husband with utter honesty that I no longer believed he loved me. He liked the idea of me; he appreciated my ability to run a house well, take care of our kids, and generally support him. Yet, me, as the one he declared to have and to hold until death, the one he nervously got on one knee to propose to, the one that he shared so many firsts with, that me he had lost sight of and only worked to guard himself against in the present moment.
Long story short, we were at a crisis point. Our commitment to marriage was about convenience, kids, and expediency. Emotional intimacy was a pipe dream that neither of us understood how to realize.
You, like me, are probably starting to feel hopeless. I was without hope. I asked my husband to leave because I honestly believed I was only making him miserable. His refusal to leave felt like more of a punishment than a commitment to love me. I was so burdened by the role of ‘failing wife’ that I wished for separation more than I hoped for change. But God.
God is the defining difference in being able to overcome a truly dark cycle of bitterness. Without our mutual, separate, yet unified decisions to give up all our own efforts and instead cry out to God to heal the things we could not change on our own, our marriage would still be on the fast track to destruction. We had done everything we could over the prior 15 years to manage our own broken tendencies, but the one thing we were unable to achieve on our own was true repentance and forgiveness.
This is the part of the story where wonder and mystery intersect with practical work and effort. God does this crazy thing where he changes us completely in ways we can’t quite quantify while also telling us to use wisdom to partner with his life-changing Spirit. We did the thing we knew to do, which was go back to counseling. My husband went a step further and found his own personal counselor and did some extra work on his own to discover where the tension and closed-offness had originated in his life.
Not all men are the same, but I know in our case, things had got so tense between us that he honestly could not hear me anymore. The more I worked to explain, the more disdain for me grew in his heart, and I could feel it. He needed someone else to talk to that he could trust, and that would feel safe for him to really explore all that he was struggling with. I believe his individual counseling from a Spirit-filled man helped lead him toward repentance.
In the meantime, all I could do was let go. I had to let go of a cloud of ugly words that had been exchanged between us. I had to ask God to allow me to forgive myself. I had been weaker, less able, meaner, more frail of a wife than I ever imagined I would be. The weight of guilt I felt for being anxious, depressed, needy, naggy, or whatever the word was that filled my head that day became crushing.
I needed God to help me to forgive my husband. He had not loved me well when I needed support. He had no idea how to let me into his life; he had never learned. From a young age he learned how to build strong emotional walls that kept him safe from sadness and all other unpleasant feelings. Then came a woman filled with empathy, looking for support. As soon as my emotions came out, his walls went up. It was a recipe for hurt that played out many times over fifteen years of marriage. Only Jesus has the power to re-write those kinds of broken stories.
I asked God to change the way I saw my husband. I wanted God’s eyes for this man I had committed to love. I still pray that he would help me see the things that sometimes bother me as a blessing. We are different, which sometimes makes being together tricky, but our differences don’t make us wrong; they just require us to be a little more patient sometimes. I had grown quite impatient with my husband. I started being more open with our village. We needed more than ourselves to climb out of this pit. I showed up at counseling again. I asked God to help him hear me and see me because that was the thing that had been lost between us over time.
We also began praying together each night.
The Miracle
Somewhere over the course of the last year, which happened to also be a very stressful year for us, God started changing us, and the reason I know repentance and forgiveness are covering us is that I can feel the fruits of the spirit at work between us again. I have peace while in the room with my husband again. I can trust that he will do all he can to be self-controlled when it comes to his reactions to my needs. Joy can be shared between us when we are alone together. These are the markers of a trustworthy change. Freedom from a dark cycle of painful interactions is rising up in our marriage! God is gracious.
The Takeaway
I share this first to let you know that if you and your spouse are in that dark corner of hopelessness for your marriage and you are safe from abuse, desiring to find a path towards repentance, God is able.
You have to be willing to give up your every right and let God give you his eyes of love for your spouse. There is no easy, painless road to repentance when years of discord have resulted in the place you are now. You have to confront the ugly and then patiently hand it over to Jesus. Trusting him to give you a new way of being.
Here is a reminder as your journey towards freedom in marriage is that we are not the Savior of our partner. An important step in my going to God was also giving the outcome to him. No part of me was able to change my husband to be the man I needed him to be. I knew if we could not get off our ugly roller coaster, one of us would have to get off alone at some point. I had to trust God if that was the outcome, too.
Marriage was not made to be a cage that traps us, but it’s a fireplace that keeps our passion, love, and families safe. Freedom from an unhealthy relationship can look like repentance, and sometimes it looks like separation. God is with us on either journey, and both are hard. Wherever you are I pray that God would do immeasurably more than you could ask or imagine on your behalf (Ephesians 3:20). He is able!
Amanda Idleman is a writer whose passion is to encourage others to live joyfully. She writes devotions for My Daily Bible Verse Devotional and Podcast, Crosswalk Couples Devotional, the Daily Devotional App, she has work published with Her View from Home, on the MOPS Blog, and is a regular contributor for Crosswalk.com. She has most recently published a devotional, Comfort: A 30 Day Devotional Exploring God’s Heart of Love for Mommas. You can find out more about Amanda on her Facebook Page or follow her on Instagram.
There are those who daydream of ponies and picnics, and then there is me… dreaming of the ways I can take revenge on my enemies.
When we hear ‘revenge,’ we often think of slashing tires and egging houses, or worse. But revenge can be much simpler. Sometimes our success is ‘revenge.’ We dream of the day our enemy scrolls through social media to see our radical weight loss transformation or our beautiful European vacation. We can even “spiritualize” our revenge. We pick “good” goals in our lives to shame our enemies. But this revenge is just as sinister. And just as tempting. There is something about revenge…
What Does the Bible Say About Revenge?
Every time I feel bent on revenge, I read Romans 12. Romans 12 is very anti-revenge, as you can imagine. Although there are plenty of Bible verses condemning our fantasies of revenge, Romans 12 lays it all out for us. Starting in verse 14 it reads, “Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse.” In verse 17, it continues, “Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath.”
I could not have said it better myself, “Do not take revenge.” No arguing with that. Short and simple, straight to the point. But did you notice that the Scripture calls us “my dear friends”? In our dark moments when revenge feels so tempting, our pain is recognized in that sentiment. Often, those seeking revenge are seeking retribution for some kind of hurt or injustice. Although we are asked not to take revenge, we are simultaneously seen in our suffering. Do not see God’s command as a dismissal of whatever you may have gone through or experienced. God sees you and cares. In fact, He cares far too much to allow you to take revenge. He would rather handle that part for you.
Will They Just ‘Get Away with It’?
It is difficult to let go of the idea of revenge because it can feel as though we let our enemy off the hook. But right after we are asked not to take revenge, we are reminded to “leave room for God’s wrath” (v 19).
Do not forget that we serve a God who cares about justice. He cares about our tears, our suffering, and our wounds. He will not stand idle. When we choose to take revenge into our own hands, we are actually taking from God. God is our avenger; leave space for His working hand.
Choosing self-control over revenge does not mean we have let someone get away with something. Rather, it shows our strength to trust in God to fight our battles. The rest of verse 19 says, “’It is mine to avenge; I will repay’, says the Lord.” Leave justice to God.
When God asks us to refrain from revenge, He is not excusing bad behavior on behalf of the other party. He is not minimizing your pain or the issue at hand. He is simply saying to leave room for Him. He will handle it, my dear friend.
What Do I Do Instead?
Romans 12 continues to describe the anti-revenge plan to us in verse 20. It reads, “On the contrary: ‘If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.’ Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.”
Romans gives us God’s alternative to revenge: kindness. Do not mistake kindness for weakness. Our deepest strength is displayed when we turn an evil situation into something good. We stop the evil that has been perpetrated against us in its tracks. We do not allow ourselves to be overcome by that evil. As Proverbs 25:20 says, when we choose kindness and generosity towards our enemies over revenge, God will reward us.
What Will God Do When I Choose Kindness Over Revenge?
When we choose kindness over revenge, we acknowledge God as our protector. God cares about whatever you are going through, and He wants to defend and protect you. When you feel tempted to take matters into your own hands, remember these Scriptures that describe God as our ultimate shield and protector:
“Our soul waits for the LORD; He is our help and our shield.” Psalm 33:20
“The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and he helps me…” Psalm 28:7
“The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield and the horn of my salvation. He is my stronghold, my refuge and my savior—from violent people you save me.” 2 Samuel 22:3
“The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.” Psalm 18:2
“As for God, his way is perfect: The LORD’s word is flawless; he shields all who take refuge in him.” Psalm 18:30
“But the Lord is faithful. He will establish you and guard you against the evil one.” 2 Thessalonians 3:3
“But You, O LORD, are a shield about me. My glory, and the One who lifts my head.” Psalm 3:3
I love the imagery of God as my shield. He is there to take the arrows for me. He goes before me. He will sacrifice Himself for my protection. He is my Protector. When I desire revenge, I envision God as my shield, and I feel the space to be vulnerable and trust that He will keep me safe.
What’s in It for Me?
Often, the sweet victory we imagine does not quite come. Revenge in our imagination can feel intoxicating. In practice, however, it can feel anticlimactic. Typically, revenge does not feel as good as we think it will feel. In fact, revenge only offers temporary relief at best. At worst, it makes us feel worse.
When reading Romans 12, we see that the best ‘revenge’ is kindness. Kindness from someone you have wounded can sting. But this is the type of sting that is transformative. Revenge multiplies wounds. Kindness opens opportunities. When we choose the road of kindness, we free ourselves from the spell of bitterness and we give our enemies the chance at redemption and reconciliation. We open the doors for mutual healing. And ultimately, we glorify God.
I believe God asks us to leave Him the role of avenger partly to protect us. He knows that vengeance delays healing. He is a much better dealer of justice than we are, anyway. When we choose God’s way, we no longer are shackled to the injustices committed against us. We get to display great strength of character. We get to see our enemies humbled by our kindness. And we get to build a deeper relationship with God. The deepening of this relationship will demonstrate God’s care for us in ways we have never seen before.
Next time you desire to take revenge, remember who is fighting for you. God wants to fight this battle for you. He wants to protect you. He wants to transform you in the process. Do not take away what is rightfully God’s, as He says, “It is mine to avenge, I will repay.” Revenge does not belong to us. God will watch over you.
Marriage is a beautiful covenant between two people who love each other. It is the best example on earth of the relationship between Jesus and his bride, the church. But humans, as we have seen in Genesis in the garden of Eden, can have difficulty in their relationships. Nothing is truer than difficulties in marriage. Marriage is hard work. Marriages have ups and downs, highs and lows. But sometimes marriages can feel as if they’ve reached their breaking point, with no hope of ever returning to the fruitful relationship God meant it to be. God wants us to put our very best into our marriages. No couple should consider divorce until they have gone through the counseling process. Although counseling still has a stigma among Christians as for being for people who have serious psychological problems or mental illnesses, counseling can be a great tool for even the most difficult marriages. Here are six reasons why counseling is the saving grace for her troublesome marriage:
1. It helps process pain.
Each couple brings baggage into their relationship. This includes emotional trauma, childhood wounds, and emotional voids that can only be filled with Christ. However, some people try to fill it with their spouse, believing that if they just love their spouse enough and their spouse loves them, they will fill the hole in their soul that can only be filled with Christ. A counselor can help each couple process their personal pain. They may also be able to draw connections between the issues in their past and their current relationship issues. If the dots between past pain and current marriage issues are connected properly, a counselor can help couples with tools and strategies for better communication and healing past pain so that they can interact with each other in positive, healthy ways.
2. It gives hope in the future.
When a marriage is at its worst, it is easy for couples to over-dramatize, believing their marriage is unsalvageable. As long as the marriage is rooted in Christ, anything is possible. Those couples who put their hope in God can also find hope for their future as married couples. If even one spouse remains hopeful that their marriage can be saved, both spouses can work together to take responsibility for their issues, correct their behaviors, and move forward with a positive outlook for their marriage. As long as both spouses vow they will not give up and commit to persevere, there is still hope their marriage can be saved. Even a marriage destroyed by adultery can still have hope for its future. With the power of forgiveness and through Christ’s sacrifice on the cross, there is nothing a couple can’t endure with Christ at the center.
3. You get a third party’s perspective.
Jesus Christ acted as a mediator toward us in God. In every situation, we were not meant to be alone. It is always good to get another party’s perspective on an issue. When a couple is working through a difficult situation, each sees it through their own lens. A third party who is not invested in the issue can see it and give an unbiased opinion on what to do. The counselor can also help balance the scales when it comes to placing blame and each couple taking responsibility for their part in the issue. It is easy for couples to take the blame on the other and pretend it’s all the other person’s fault. Yet, they both have contributed to the marriage’s failure. Any marriage can be saved if a couple is willing to see the issue for what it is and pursue a resolution with humility and grace.
4. Help with communication.
Communication breakdown is one of the main issues in every marriage. When spouses cannot communicate with each other and trust is broken, they can be deceived into thinking it is easier to break up than it is to persevere. A counselor can give practical tips and strategies for each spouse to communicate and ways the other person can understand. A counselor will help each spouse communicate with each other in a way that makes the other feel heard, their feelings validated, and feel less blamed or attacked. When spouses can communicate in ways that communicate needs rather than attack the other’s character, trust and intimacy can be rebuilt.
For example, a popular tool some counselors use is “I” statements. When couples fight, it is easy to make statements using the word you as the focus. One spouse may say, “you never help around the house,” which makes the other spouse feel like their efforts are not appreciated. The spouse can instead say, “I feel unappreciated when I do the majority of the work around the house,” communicating their need and a specific way without making the other feel like their efforts are not good enough. Further, the counselor can help understand the real need behind the statement. Is the problem just that the spouse one spouse does most of the household chores? Or is there a deeper emotional need that needs to be filled?
5. Rebuild trust.
Once trust is broken in a relationship, it is difficult to get back. And it doesn’t mean that it is impossible; a very good counselor can help give you homework and assignments to complete during your sessions. This may include having each person journal their feelings separately and then coming together to discuss them. The counselor may also give specific rules for communication as a way to stop the conversation if the statements become more attack and blame rather than communicating needs and desires.
Every person wants to feel wanted by the other. But one spouse may keep the other at arm’s length if they feel they cannot trust them. By taking baby steps toward rebuilding trust, intimacy can be achieved in both spouses can achieve their need for connection and intimacy.
6. Apply the Bible.
Christian couples’ desires for Christ should be at the center of their marriage. However, both come from different denominational and theological backgrounds. Therefore, their interpretation of Scripture might be very different from each other. A third party, particularly a Christian counselor, can help them apply Scripture in a way that makes both the husband and wife feel needed, valued, and appreciated in their relationship. For example, it is common for couples to misinterpret or misapply the Ephesians 5 passage on marriage. A counselor can help each part of the couple fulfill their biblical duties yet give their input into situations and feel their opinions are valued and appreciated. By allowing someone from a different theological background to help them interpret the Bible in a healthy way for their marriage, a counselor can help clear up any misconceptions and allow them to apply biblical principles yet still feel as though both parties are equal partners in their relationship.
Counseling is an excellent strategy for spouses on the brink of divorce. However, counseling does not need to be saved for when the marriage is in crisis mode. If you are in constant conflict with your spouse and communicating less, it may be time to see a counselor. You can refrain from allowing small situations to explode into significant conflicts by nipping issues in the bud.
Michelle S. Lazurek is a multi-genre award-winning author, speaker, pastor’s wife, and mother. She is a literary agent for Wordwise Media Services and a certified writing coach. Her new children’s book Who God Wants Me to Be encourages girls to discover God’s plan for their careers. When not working, she enjoys sipping a Starbucks latte, collecting 80s memorabilia, and spending time with her family and her crazy dog. For more info, please visit her website www.michellelazurek.com.
Ever notice how the candy aisle in the grocery store dictates what season it is? When my teenagers were younger, we used to call it the “fun aisle.” I’d say, “Do you all want to go down the fun aisle today and see what they have”? Still today, it’s filled with candy, toys, gifts, dishes, and more!
How is it that we easily want to please our children with candy and toys in the seasonal aisle, but we can let the season we’re in at home steal our attention from our spouse? Sometimes, we can become caretakers to our children and more like roommates to our spouses.
I remember thinking early on in marriage, “Who would ever just become like a roommate to their spouse? Certainly not me because that doesn’t happen to someone who waited so long to get married (I was 33, he was 41 when we got married).” Boy, was I wrong. Becoming more like a roommate can happen to any of us, especially if we aren’t on guard to prioritize our spouse. Little by little, we slip into merely occupying the same physical space but not the same heart space.
It’s easy to justify going to bed without praying together or without giving each other a good night kiss. Sometimes, even leaving your spouse to clean up the dishes from dinner and retreating to bed without an “I love you” or “Thank you for doing the dishes tonight” can lead to further roommate status when you don’t have that time to connect (or the reverse is true in the morning).
It’s easy to give attention to who’s the loudest in the room, and sometimes that’s our children. They demand a lot from us (but we love them!), and sometimes their requests leave us feeling depleted toward our spouse. All perfect set-ups to think, “I’ll talk with her later” or “He knows I love him,” and we slip further away from the love and passion we experienced when we first married.
My husband and I both work from home. We’re grateful that we have work that allows us to be more flexible in our home and work-life flow. People often say, “Oh, you must go out on romantic dates while you’re both home,” and we have done that some. But it’s not as romantic when you have bed hair, smelly breath, and just want to get some caffeine in you after you drop off the kids at school.
I have seen that I can be a happier spouse when I implement just a few things that show I don’t want to become just his roommate but the woman he fell in love with and that he stays in love with.
We all know that, mathematically, seven isn’t a perfect number (its factors don’t add up to 7 – I had to look that one up!). But to God, it was a perfect number. He created everything within six days and rested on the seventh day. Thus, seven is considered complete or perfect.
We are not perfect (we know!), neither is our love for our spouse. But God’s love is perfect and covers us, including how we relate to our spouse. Love is not an easy road moving forward, but actually, love is even more powerful when it comes to the winding paths we take with our spouse and even recovering from the bumps and hills along the way.
No list of things we can do will make marriage more likely to succeed or less likely to feel like you’re polar opposites, just like the earth, moon, and stars when they span the sky and don’t line up (which only happens 4-7 times per year that they line up as an eclipse, according to NASA). Gives new meaning to the hit song “Total Eclipse of the Heart” by Bonnie Tyler, doesn’t it?
So how do we eclipse the thought, “You’re more my roommate than my spouse”? Here are some ideas:
1. It takes an intentional shift, but when you can ask yourself: “How should I show my spouse that I love them by serving them even though they haven’t offered this to me?” It puts your heart in a position of humility to love unconditionally, which spouses have promised to do.
2. When you do a chore or job before your spouse has a chance to do it, it shows them that you took the time to notice something they usually do. It’s a quiet way of saying, “I notice what you do for me.” And if they don’t notice, it puts your heart in a place to receive from God, even if not from your spouse. God is always faithful to meet our needs.
3. Often, we’re so busy doing what we need to do in a day’s time that we don’t stop to ask, “What is a highlight of your day right now? What’s hard for you right now? How are you feeling about (fill in the blank with something you know they are struggling with)? I often try to ask my husband one question like this each morning or evening. Sometimes, I’m not consistent, but I try to show him that I care about him, not just because we live in the same house but because we are one. God sees us as such, and I want to see him as my life partner, not just the person I share a home with.
4. When you ask your spouse: “What is something that I do that annoys you and what is something I do that affirms you?” you can really take care of anything that you aren’t aware of that has come into your relationship. Roommates often move on or move out and don’t always address what might be between them. This is where overcoming the roommate syndrome can really be advantageous for you both as a couple to move past barriers.
5. One day I noticed that my husband was always last to sit down at dinner. It felt like I was either eating by myself at the table or with whatever kids were home at the time. Finally, I asked him about it, and he said, “Growing up, it bothered me that dirty dishes were in the sink, so now it’s hard for me to sit down and eat when there are dirty dishes in the sink from food prep.” After almost 20 years of marriage, that was so helpful to know. He wasn’t avoiding conversation or sitting with me at the table; he wanted to take care of the dishes. Unless you ask the questions on your mind, you can’t grow closer to understanding each other and your backgrounds.
6. Showing romantic love toward your spouse can look different for men and women. Men often receive love through physical expression and women through emotional empathy and listening. When we flip sides and start thinking more about how our spouse likes to receive love, it can help us to see that in a healthy marriage, one partner is not more need-oriented or selfish. Both need to express themselves in a romantic relationship. It’s not always about what your spouse needs from you, but what you can express that will draw your spouse to you. That’s true love!
7. It doesn’t get lost on me that when I disappoint my husband, or he disappoints me, there is a safety net that catches us. I want to be the one who doesn’t hold something against him but releases him into the net. God will meet him there, and God will meet me when I crash into the net. It’s natural to blame or shift the focus onto the other person, but when we can treat our spouse with forgiveness and a deep love that roommates don’t have, like a married couple, we are able to say, “I forgive you, and my life is matched with yours and yours with mine. You aren’t perfect, and I am not, but we are loved by a God who thought enough of us to bring us together and to help us walk out living as life partners, not just temporary roommates.”
Do you know the one thing that is good about getting older? We literally forget more easily! Our brains have been retaining so much knowledge and carry so much. I find that if we feel more like roommates one day, we get the chance to start over, and often, one of us will forget something the other said. Roommates often hold onto words because it’s all they have. But spouses let go of words said that don’t line up with who the person is and instead love them faithfully as if you can’t live without them. This is the bond of married couples that God has put in us because he values the covenant relationship between him and each other. So much so that he gives us seasons in life and seasons in our marriage. It’s not easy, but like a kid in the “fun aisle,” we can enjoy the aisle we have walked down together and continue to look for the treats in life that we get to experience together.
Blythe Danielis a literary agent, author, and marketer. Her agency markets books through podcasts, blogs, and launch teams and represents books to publishers. Blythe was the publicity director for Thomas Nelson Publishers and has been a literary agent for the past 16 years. Blythe has written for Proverbs 31 Ministries, Ann Voskamp, Focus on the Family, CCM Magazine, Christian Retailing, and others. Blythe and her mother have co-authored two books: Mended: Restoring the Hearts of Mothers and Daughters (Harvest House) and I Love You Mom: Cherished Word Gifts from My Heart to Yours (Tyndale). She is married and lives in Colorado with her family.
My husband and I have been married for twenty-three years. The first few Valentine’s Days we spent together were very romantic as each one of us tried to demonstrate our love to each other with grander gestures each year.
However, as the years went on, it became more difficult to think about the upcoming Valentine’s Day or how to show each other love in ways we hadn’t previously.
Some years we felt we had gotten stuck in a rut in our marriage and were just going through the motions. We simply did things just to please the other person, and not because we really felt like it.
Although feelings are not the ultimate indicators of whether we should show love to each other, it does make a difference. Deep feelings create a sense of motivation and urgency. When we feel motivated by something, we’re more apt to do it.
Because love matures, we have had to understand truly the meaning of the word love.
Agape love is defined as, “…in the New Testament, the fatherly love of God for humans, as well as the human reciprocal love for God. In Scripture, the transcendent agape love is the highest form of love and is contrasted with eros, or erotic love, and philia, or brotherly love.”
We often throw the word love around for different things, diminishing the word’s meaning. For example, we may say we love ice cream, and we say we love our spouse. However, we love our spouses differently than we love inanimate objects.
Love is not just something to make us feel good; it’s an action that is centered around the other person’s thoughts and feelings.
Here are 5 characteristics that I have learned about true, agape love:
1. True Love Means Humility
True love cannot occur if both parties are set in their ways and too prideful to acknowledge the other person’s thoughts and feelings.
It is difficult to strike a balance between meeting your own needs and wanting to serve the other person. However, if we change our mindset to one that our lives are in service to the other, we will understand true love.
With love, we put aside our pride and humble ourselves. We apologize when necessary. We work out our differences in kind, loving ways. We resolve to end conflict and not let it fester.
When we lay down our pride and replace it with humility, we experience a love that goes deeper than any other relationship we can experience here on earth.
2. True Love Means Forgiveness
Sometimes the hardest person to forgive is your spouse. This is because they see the best and worst of us. They know our strengths and our weaknesses and sometimes they use it for their own selfish gain, and sometimes we do the same to them.
However, that’s not love. To love means we forgive other people’s offenses even when they’ve done it multiple times.
Forgiveness means to put the past behind us and choose not to remember it anymore. God chooses to remember our sins no more; that is how he chooses to forgive. But that does not mean he doesn’t remember; he simply chooses not to remember it.
It’s the same with us. We cannot forget past hurt and pain. However, as we forgive others the way we’ve been forgiven, the pain becomes less and less.
God, in his sovereignty, puts salve on our wounds and heals them so that we can forgive our spouses because we realize the grace that has been given to us.
3. True Love Means Repentance
Repentance makes it easier for our spouses to forgive us, and vice versa. Simply saying sorry and asking someone to forgive, only to do the act again, is not true repentance.
True repentance paves the way for intimacy, trust, and deeper bonds both with our spouses and with God.
It is not easy to change old, sinful habits into new, healthier ones, but with God’s help, anything is possible. Repentance requires that we go to God to acknowledge our sins, and we humbly ask for his forgiveness.
Once we live in the knowledge of that forgiveness, we choose to not do that behavior anymore, not only because it hurts us, but also hurts our relationships with others.
Repentance means to do an “about face.” That means we literally turn away from our selfish acts and turn towards the demonstration of the fruit of the spirit to others.
Repentance is a necessary component of true, agape love that we can have for our spouses.
4. True Love Means Intimacy
Many relationships struggle because although the physical intimacy is there, the emotional intimacy is not. Many wives can feel a part of their relationship is missing because their husbands are not emotionally available to them.
While some men have difficulty with emotions, it is an important part of their overall well-being. It is important for men to get in touch with their emotions so that they can empathize and comfort their wives during difficult times. And it is important for wives to be there for their husbands as they go against society to learn this skill.
When a woman’s emotional needs are met, more than likely she will reciprocate in a physical way.
While it’s true that men and women may differ on how they feel the most loved, whether through emotional or physical intimacy, both parties need to be for each other and seek to meet each other’s needs, not their own.
5. True Love Means to Exhibit the Fruit of the Spirit
When the fruits of the spirit are evident in our lives, our relationships thrive. However, when those fruits are missing, relationships get reduced to both parties trying to meet their own selfish needs.
The fruits of the spirit are love, joy, peace, patience, gentleness, goodness, faithfulness, kindness, and self-control (Gal 5:22-23). When we seek to add these into our lives, we become better people. When we become better people, we want to be better people for our spouses whom we love the most.
No longer are we looking for others to meet our ultimate needs, but rather we have our identity solidified in Christ. All these fruits have one thing in common: they seek to be others-centered. We can’t be selfish when we’re exhibiting these types of fruits in our lives.
A person who wants to develop more fruit of the spirit knows that to be the best person they can be, they must have their foundational emotional needs met by God. They need to have their identity solidified in Him and understand that their worth and value were settled on the cross, not in other people’s opinions of them.
When they can reconcile this in their minds and hearts, they will seek to be people who strive to be tangible representations of Christ.
Love is a word that gets thrown around a lot in our society. But few of us know what true love really is.
As Christians, we understand what true love is as we look at the witness of Christ. However, we may feel as if we fall short because we are not like Christ and won’t be in this lifetime.
However, we can strive to emulate Christ’s example by being humble, forgiving others, repenting of our selfish behaviors, meeting others’ emotional needs and exhibiting the fruit of spirit in our lives.
When we can do these things, we will understand what true love is. Once we understand that true love, we want to give it to others, including our spouses!
Michelle S. Lazurek is a multi-genre award-winning author, speaker, pastor’s wife, and mother. She is a literary agent for Wordwise Media Services and a certified writing coach. Her new children’s book Who God Wants Me to Be encourages girls to discover God’s plan for their careers. When not working, she enjoys sipping a Starbucks latte, collecting 80s memorabilia, and spending time with her family and her crazy dog. For more info, please visit her website www.michellelazurek.com.
There’s no mistake or mystery about this. He regularly publicizes his belief.
It’s not as though I haven’t tried to dissuade him. John just doubles down, citing his education for his unwavering opinion. “I have an art degree.”
What am I to do?
I’ve highlighted my height (or lack thereof). I’ve addressed the ugly—yet unyielding—growth around my girth. Unlike my cute niece, my face lacks dimples.
He only shakes his head. To date, he still clings to the belief that I’m not pretty.
That’s because he thinks I’m very pretty.
I’m not telling you his opinion to brag about my beauty. John is just super biased.
Let’s just say his view and mine widely diverge.
The real reason I share this tidbit is to show one of the many benefits of marrying God’s pick.
(Not that I’m insinuating marriage should happen only because of the bride’s beauty or the groom’s broad shoulders. All things equal, however, wouldn’t you rather navigate life with a spouse enraptured, instead of unimpressed, by your looks?)
John’s and my road to marriage held more stop signs than most. We both had to wait—and wait—before the Lord’s candidate for us materialized. We puttered around in Single Town long after fellow singletons found the elusive exit.
But it’s precisely this background that qualifies me to issue a warning: Please don’t walk down the aisle for these wrong reasons:
You might think it makes sense to cure loneliness by getting hitched. After all, people are the best antidote for loneliness. Right?
Nope. You can feel lonely regardless of the presence of others. This means you can feel lonely even in a marriage.
Using marriage as an escape hatch won’t work. Nobody—including your spouse—can successfully meet all of your emotional needs, of which loneliness is one.
Consider a better strategy. While both married people and singles will always have a reason to keep working on themselves, it’s advantageous to work through your emotional needs while you’re still unattached. Since deep calls unto deep (Psalm 42:7), your emotional soundness will attract a partner with a similar disposition.
Isn’t it better for you and your betrothed to enter marriage without baggage?
Age
Back in my single days—before WhatsApp exploded in fame—I once received a phone call from my mother’s uncle. The elderly relative thought the following wisdom was important enough to impart, he placed an international call regardless of the exorbitant cost. “Don’t be so career-minded that you’re neglecting marriage!”
“Yes,” I answered. The pithy shortcut had to suffice. I wasn’t about to elaborate with “Actually, I’m staying single because I’m waiting for God’s best for me, not because I’m too wrapped up in work.”
I’m sure you have your own war stories. From family pressures to those that arise from your ever-increasing age—which, of course, directly relates to your biological clock and the ability to bear children—it’s understandable if a prolonged state of singleness drives you desperate for marriage.
But getting married because of anything other than because it’s God’s will for you is bound to backfire. Even if a divorce doesn’t dash your marriage, your union may not feel fulfilling—the opposite of Jesus’ mission to bring us life more abundantly (John 10:10, MEV).
To experience that abundant life in the context of marriage, abandon any other prospects. Ask Him to matchmake for you instead.
Shapes and Sex
Should you marry someone you’re not physically attracted to? Well, no. Sexual attraction is a crucial component of marriage.
At the same time, neither should you marry because of physical attraction only. Whether we like it or not, “beauty is fleeting” (Proverbs 31:30).
How fleeting?
As flitting as a flower in bloom. “All flesh is grass, and all its loveliness is like the flower of the field. The grass withers, the flower fades, when the breath of the Lord blows upon it; the people are indeed grass!” (Isaiah 40: 6-7, NASB).
Someone who pledges to spend forever with you primarily for your looks can renege once youth and its accouterments fade.
Then there’s sex. Many young Christians rush to get married so as not to commit sexual sins as a single person. Given the scriptural admonition to “avoid sexual immorality” (1 Thessalonians 4:3), their intention is understandable.
However, God’s remedy for sexual urges is not marriage. Instead, whether single or married, we are to “learn to control our own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the pagans, who do not know God; and that in this matter no one should wrong or take advantage of a brother or sister” (1 Thessalonians 4:4-6).
Marriage encompasses so much more than sex. There are couples who remain married and love each other even without a vibrant sex life. Conversely, there are those who indulge in lewd sexual activities but can’t make a marriage last.
Choosing Marriage
Different formats exist when it comes to today’s intimate relationships. For instance, some read “don’t get married for the wrong reasons” as “don’t get married.” The increase in cohabitation rates attests to the popularity of practicing sex outside marital bonds.
Friends with benefits adds another possibility. This arrangement happens when so-called friends agree to trade sexual favors for each other, minus any romantic entanglement.
Some aspire to chuck monogamy altogether. Enter polyamory, a form of relationship that allows participants to conduct intimate relationships with multiple partners at once.
If engaging in any of these acts edified us, God would’ve specified them in His Word, along with tips for best practices. The Holy Spirit would’ve inspired the Apostle Paul to craft guidelines on having holy polyamory when he penned 1 Corinthians 7, the chapter on singles and sex.
Listen, instead, to how God elevates marriage: “Have respect for marriage. Always be faithful to your partner, because God will punish anyone who is immoral or unfaithful in marriage” (Hebrews 13:4, CEV).
Marriage is a good thing. More importantly, it’s a God thing.
If you’re in the market for marriage, please trust your Maker to pick your mate. Ask God to direct your steps and sensitize your hearing. This way, “your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, ‘This is the way, walk in it,’ when you turn to the right or when you turn to the left” (Isaiah 30:21)—all the way until your path intersects that of your future spouse.
Nobody who hopes in Him will be ashamed (Psalm 25:3)—including regarding matters of the heart.
But if relationship issues stump you, no matter what your relationship status is, send your inquiry to my advice column.
Audrey Davidheiser, PhD is a California licensed psychologist, certified Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapist, and IFSI-approved clinical consultant. After founding and directing a counseling center for the Los Angeles Dream Center, she now devotes her practice to survivors of trauma—including spiritual abuse. If you need her advice, visit her on www.aimforbreakthrough.comand Instagram @DrAudreyD.
All weddings are happy. It’s living together afterward that causes all the trouble.
Mrs. Billy Graham was asked, “Have you ever considered divorce?” “No,” she responded. “Murder many times but never divorce!”
It sometimes feels like my marriage is this tiny outpost in the middle of enemy territory, and the enemy is shooting at us from every side! This world is not the friend of marriage. The good news is that God is the friend of marriage. Marriage is God’s plan, his idea, and his design.
I know you are just like me. You want a great marriage, but you may feel that your marriage has endured too much pain and that there is no hope of improvement. But, no matter where you are or where you have been in your marriage, the rest of your marriage can be the best part of it.
Dan and I have been married for 46 years. Our marriage is stronger and better than it has ever been. Let me share some of the keys to a healthy marriage God has taught us along the way.
Key one: When the going gets tough, the tough stay right where they are!
Ephesians 5:31 “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”
An essential key to a successful marriage is commitment. The Spanish explorer Cortes knew what commitment was. He insisted on it from his men when they landed in Mexico to invade the land of the Aztecs. Sensing the crew’s fear and hesitation, he gathered them all onshore and set fire to the ships. Cortez turned to his men and said, “Now, there can be no turning back.”
That is the kind of commitment we need in our marriages. But unfortunately, we live in a world of “throw-away” marriages. If it doesn’t work, we throw the relationship away and find another, but Jesus is big on commitment. Jesus told a parable about a man who found a valuable pearl in a field. The man immediately sold everything he had to buy the field so the pearl would be his. Of course, he would be left with nothing if the pearl was worthless. But he was willing to take the risk.
For marriage to be what God designed it to be, we must choose to be committed to our mate and our marriage. Commitment is not based on feelings. Feelings cannot build a solid marriage. Love is not the basis for marriage. Marriage is the basis for love.
Hold on to your commitment to God. Hold on to your commitment to your marriage.
Key two: Accept your mate and change yourself.
Colossians 3:13-14 “Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.”
The marriage relationship has a specific dynamic. If one person in the relationship changes, the whole relationship changes. We keep trying to make sure that our mate is the one that changes.
I approached marriage and my new husband like buying an old house. I couldn’t wait to see it remodeled. Wasn’t Dan fortunate to have married the Holy Spirit? I tried to change him. I just wanted Dan to be more like me! I learned that we can be different without being right or wrong!
We need to celebrate our differences. Differences can either rip us apart or add great flavor to a relationship. Unfortunately, the things we try so hard to change are the very things that attract us to our mates in the first place.
He used to be carefree. Now he is irresponsible.
He used to be determined. Now he is stubborn.
He used to be more concerned about inward qualities than outward appearances. Now he is sloppy.
Acceptance and approval are two different things. What would happen if you unconditionally accepted your mate? What would happen if we took the energy we wasted trying to change him and used it to change our lives?
Accept your mate. Ask the Lord what needs to be changed in your own life.
Amos 3:3 “Can two walk together except they be agreed?”
Weeds spring up overnight, but it takes years for a mighty oak to grow. So likewise, a great marriage takes a lot of hard work and time. We have three choices about time. We can waste it, spend it, or invest it. Busyness builds a schedule but destroys the family. A crazy life schedule has always been a battle for Dan and me.
When our children were young, we saw our marriage and children being swallowed up in a hectic schedule. We were doing wonderful things. But, unfortunately, they just weren’t the best things. So we made an important decision. We would give ourselves one year to make drastic changes or leave the ministry. We chose not to sacrifice our marriage or our children on the altar of a ministry or church.
We began taking a day off each week. Monday is my day with Dan. We sometimes go shopping or out for lunch, where we talk – setting goals, planning, dreaming, and examining our marriage to ensure we are on solid ground.
We began scheduling time away. Every two or three months, we make a plan to get away – alone. Then, when the pressure is off, we are different! It is one way to keep the romance alive in our marriage!
We began setting aside time at the end of the day to talk. This time became an essential part of our daily schedule. We talked about the day and shared whatever was on our minds, creating a connection time. Doing so kept us on the same page and was a strong statement to each other and our children about the importance of our marriage.
We learned to be part of each other’s world. I began reading the books that interested Dan. I went with him to conferences. I began to study Dan – his needs and interests, frustrations and dreams, fears and hopes. I know. We often say we don’t have the time or money, but we are saying that it is not important enough to learn how to be part of our mate’s world. But, if it is important, we will find a way to do it.
We all exchange our lives for something. But we need to make sure that the exchange is worth it!
Key four: Guard your mind.
Philippians 4:8 “Finally, brethren, whatsoever is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy, think about such things.”
Don’t allow anything or anyone into your life that will undermine your marriage.
-movies
-soap operas
-romance novels
-discontented friends
When we invite these things into our life, we are setting our marriage up for failure. In the early years of our marriage, I was addicted to soap operas. I told the woman on television to leave her rotten husband and run off with the handsome man. Needs improvement!
For the sake of our marriage, we must guard our minds.
Key five: Learn to fight fair.
Ephesians 4:29 “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what helps build others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.”
Wow! That’s a tall order, isn’t it? But God never asks us to do anything that he will not empower us to do. For much of our marriage, I have tended to shove my anger down until some final straw makes me both hysterical and historical. Not anymore. Here are some tips that have helped me learn to fight fair.
-Pray. Bathe your conversation in prayer and ask God to give you the right words to say
when you need to have a challenging conversation with your mate.
-Pick a time and place that is good for him. That means picking a time and place to give your conversation the best chance of succeeding.
-Begin and end with affirmation.
-Be willing to accept blame.
-Express hurt – not hostility.
-Stick to the subject at hand. Don’t drag up every hurt from the past that you have buried.
-Avoid using the words “never” and “always.”
-Be solution centered.
-Understand that restoration – not winning – is the goal.
-Get outside help if you need it. That may be a mature Christian couple or a professional.
A marriage is only as good as the communication between husband and wife – especially when fighting fair.
Isaiah 35:3-4 “Encourage the exhausted, strengthen the weak, say to those with an anxious heart ‘Take courage, fear not!’”
Every husband and wife has different ways of giving and receiving love.
Touch
Verbal
Service
Gifts
Time
My dad died when I was four years old. My mom showed her love for me by serving. So I grew up believing love is demonstrated by cleaning the house, buying groceries, doing the laundry, or cooking meals.
Doing these things for Dan showed him that I loved him – right? The only problem was that I needed to use the correct language. His language is touching and telling.
But since I had been molested as a child, I had trouble with communication and intimacy. So we had problems. When Dan hugged me and told me he loved me, I always thought he wanted sex. If he really loved me, he would clean the garage.
It is like going to a foreign land and insisting that the people there speak my language. It won’t work.
Learn your husband’s language of love and become fluent in it!
Every man should be able to trust his wife and what she says about him, and every wife should be able to trust what her husband says about her.
We should count on each other to be a cheerleader!
Don’t criticize your mate to your friends or family members. You will get to the place of forgiveness, but your family and friends may not. And don’t criticize your mate to your children. I know that is hard. But it is right.
Make a list of your mate’s good points and then broadcast them!
Psalm 141:3 “Set a guard over my mouth, O Lord. Keep watch over the door of my lips.”
I once read, “Dear Lord, help me to bridle my tongue so that on judgment day, I will not be guilty of assault with a deadly weapon!”
Don’t be a dream-buster. Be a dream-sharer. Ladies, if your husband is leading you in what you feel is the wrong direction, your choices are:
-To leave him.
-To stay and make life miserable for everyone.
-To say to him,” I am committed to you. I disagree with you, but I am with you!”
Then turn your dream and him over to God, who can bring the two together in a fantastic way.
Key eight: Laugh a lot.
Proverbs 17:22 “A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.”
We must not get so serious about life that we lose our joy. We must always remember what it means to laugh, play, and feel like a child again.
The best marriages take a lot of work, but we need to balance that work with fun. The more challenging the marriage, the more important it is to have fun. Laughter brings healing. Humor can be a bridge over frustrating circumstances.
God wants our homes to be living illustrations of him! God wants marriage to demonstrate His love.
What choice or commitment do you need to make in your marriage? He stands ready to empower that commitment. God wants your marriage to succeed, and he wants you to find joy in your marriage. So make that commitment today, and then trust him to do it.
Related Resource: Check Out Our FREE Marriage Podcast!
Listen to our new, podcast on marriage: Team Us. The best marriages have a teamwork mentality. Find practical, realistic ideas for strengthening your marriage. Listen to an episode here, and then head over to LifeAudio.com to check out all of our episodes:
Mary Southerlandis also the Co-founder of Girlfriends in God, a conference and devotion ministry for women. Mary’s books include, Hope in the Midst of Depression, Sandpaper People, Escaping the Stress Trap, Experiencing God’s Power in Your Ministry, 10-Day Trust Adventure, You Make Me So Angry, How to Study the Bible, Fit for Life, Joy for the Journey, and Life Is So Daily. Mary relishes her ministry as a wife, a mother to their two children, Jered and Danna, and Mimi to her six grandchildren – Jaydan, Lelia, Justus, Hudson, Mo, and Nori.
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Turning your dreams into reality takes a special kind of determination.
Setbacks can block the path that leads to your dreams and it’s easy to get discouraged.
But don’t give up just yet.
One of life’s great joys is to pursue your passions. By doing so, you are applying yourself to things that you truly care about and setting yourself up for success.
Today, we’re sharing a collection of songs about dreams. We hope that these tunes provide the motivation you need to keep moving forward and never give up until you’ve achieved what you truly want in life.
It will develop your courage and make you more willing to take risks that, when overcome, will bring you success.
It will force you to focus on what’s truly important rather than dwelling on the drama of everyday existence.
It will make you resilient. You’ll encounter failure, setbacks, and other challenges along the way, like everyone else, but you’ll be stronger and wiser once you overcome them.
It will inspire others. The journey you take to reach your dreams will give others the motivation and courage to do the same.
Play these songs on full blast and get ready to live life as you’ve always wanted.
1. Long Live, Taylor Swift
“Long live the mountains we moved. I had the time of my life, fighting dragons with you. I was screaming, ‘Long live the look on your face.’ And bring on all the pretenders. One day we will be remembered.”
If you’re looking for a song about hard work paying off, you might want to include this single from Taylor Swift in your playlist.
It is a celebration of a triumphant moment after all the setbacks, hardships, doubts, and other challenges you’ve been through along the way.
2. Don’t Stop Believin’, Journey
“Don’t stop believin’. Hold on to that feelin’.”
This song shares a message of positivity for listeners who are following their dreams. It gives your playlist a hopeful vibe that everything will be all right, even though you may be encountering roadblocks on your way to success.
3. Great Expectations, Diggy Simmons feat. Bei Maejor
“They want me to fail. They wanna see if I make it. Got my back against the wall, put my head to the sky. No one let them break me. I got great expectations. Great expectations. I’m ready.”
It takes a lot of effort to break away from self-limiting habits. Once you do so, some people won’t be supportive, for various reasons. It might seem like they’re only looking forward to your failure.
However, this song fights back against that kind of hostility. It tells the world that you are ready to make all your dreams come true.
4. How Far I’ll Go (Disney’s Moana OST), Auli’i Cravalho
“See the line where the sky meets the sea? It calls me. And no one knows how far it goes. If the wind in my sail on the sea stays behind me, one day I’ll know how far I’ll go.”
Oftentimes, the dreams we have are not in line with what people want for our lives. It takes a lot of courage to break away from these expectations and pursue your own dreams.
This song from Disney’s Moana describes the challenge faced by those who must choose between duty and their true calling.
5. When You Believe, Whitney Houston and Mariah Carey
“There can be miracles when you believe. Though hope is frail, it’s hard to kill. Who knows what miracles you can achieve? When you believe, somehow you will. You will when you believe.”
This song, which is part of the official soundtrack for the Dreamworks animated film Prince of Egypt, features two of the biggest personalities in the music industry.
It encourages listeners to look within themselves and have faith that whatever they want to achieve is within their reach. The song is full of hope and encouragement to never give up on your dream.
6. Livin’ on a Prayer, Bon Jovi
“Oh, we’ve got to hold on, ready or not. You live for the fight when it’s all that you’ve got. Woah, we’re halfway there. Woah, we’re livin’ on a prayer. Take my hand, we’ll make it I swear. Woah, livin’ on a prayer.”
Here is another song about having faith and believing in the power of your dreams.
The path to success might be difficult, but the hardships feel lighter if there is someone there for you, supporting you all the way.
7. The Best of Both Worlds (Hannah Montana OST), Miley Cyrus
“You get the best of both worlds. Chill it out, take it slow. Then you rock out the show. You get the best of both worlds. Mix it all together, and you know that it’s the best of both worlds. The best of both worlds. Yeah.”
In this track from the TV series Hannah Montana, Miley Cyrus sings about how she gets the best of both worlds once she achieves her dream of becoming a pop star. She does so by creating her celebrity alter ego, Hannah Montana.
8. Nothing’s Gonna Stop Us Now, Starship
“Let ’em say we’re crazy. I don’t care about that. Put your hand in my hand. Baby, don’t ever look back. Let the world around us just fall apart. Baby, we can make it if we’re heart to heart.”
When you’re intent on following your dreams, you won’t allow anything to get in the way of achieving them. This song is a tribute to that kind of determination.
9. Dream Big, Jazmine Sullivan
“I gotta dream big. ‘Cause when it happens, it’s gonna happen real big. Yes, I feel it. I gotta move fast. ‘Cause when it happens, I can’t let it go past. Only get one chance.”
An effective tool to help turn your dreams into reality is avision board. This uses theLaw of Attraction, which states that you can achieve your goal by visualizing and focusing on it.
This song reminds you to pull out all the stops when you visualize what you want. Don’t limit yourself. You’ll be pleasantly surprised with the results.
10. Follow Your Dream, Sheryn Regis
“Follow your dream, the courage found within. Your soul is keeping you so strong that you could rise each time you fall. And stand up on your own. This time you won’t go wrong. Just give your best to hold your will. Persistently, become the one you’ve always aimed to be.”
This song reminds listeners that they have the inner strength to get back up after any setback they might encounter while following their dreams.
It lets them know that they can persist until they become the person they’ve always wanted to be.
Have you ever felt like giving up on your dreams? What made you continue going after it?
11. A Dream Is a Wish Your Heart Makes (Disney’s Live Action Cinderella OST), Lily James
“Have faith in your dreams and someday your rainbow will come smiling through. No matter how your heart is grieving, if you keep on believing, the dream that you wish will come true.”
This classic song encourages all the dreamers to keep on believing in their dreams. Although we may have painful experiences in our pursuit of the lives we want, it will all be worth it in the end.
Have faith. One day, all that you’ve dreamed of will be yours.
12. Lose Yourself, Eminem
“You better lose yourself in the music, the moment. You own it, you better never let it go. You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow. This opportunity comes once in a lifetime.”
Life presents us with opportunities to make our dreams come true, but it is up to us to seize those opportunities as they come our way.
As this song says, we only get one shot, so we shouldn’t waste it.
Hopefully we all have the wisdom to identify these opportunities and the courage to thrive when the spotlight is on us.
13. Believer, Imagine Dragons
“Second thing second. Don’t you tell me what you think that I could be. I’m the one at the sail. I’m the master of my sea.”
Oftentimes, the reason we fail to reach our dreams is because we’re following other people’s ambitions for us.
This song is about breaking free from other people’s expectations in order to find your own greatness and be the master of your own destiny.
14. Fly Away, Tones and I
“I had a dream that someday I would just fly, fly away. And I always knew I couldn’t stay. So I had a dream that I’d just fly away.”
This track from Tones and I is about leaving in order to manifest your dreams.
Some places limit our progress in life. The only choice is to move somewhere else that supports your growth and dreams.
We hope you find a place where you have a chance to spread your wings, express yourself, and make your dreams come true.
15. If Today Was Your Last Day, Nickelback
“If today was your last day, and tomorrow was too late. Could you say goodbye to yesterday? Would you live each moment like your last? Leave old pictures in the past, donate every dime you have? If today was your last day.”
This final track presents a question about the dreams you are chasing. Do your dreams fill you with a sense of satisfaction?
Is it a worthwhile quest?
Will you live without regrets after you’ve achieved what you are seeking?
We hope the answer to all of these questions is yet.
16. I Can, Nas
“I know I can be what I wanna be if I work hard at it.”
This song has an empowering message for those who struggle in pursuit of their dreams.
The lyrics are very relatable in how they recount the challenges many will have to overcome in order to achieve what they want in life.
It reminds us that through hard work, focus, and determination we can achieve what we want.
17. Make It Happen, Mariah Carey
“If you believe in yourself enough and know what you want, you’re gonna make it happen.”
Having faith in oneself is essential to reaching your dreams. This 1991 song from Mariah Carey reminds us of this fact, as she encourages listeners to believe in ourselves in order to make things happen.
18. Almost There (Disney’s The Princess and the Frog OST), Anika Noni Rose
“And I’m almost there. I’m almost there. People down here think I’m crazy. But I don’t care. Trials and tribulations, I’ve had my share. There ain’t nothing gonna stop me now. ‘Cause I’m almost there.”
In this song, Tiana, one of the protagonists of Disney’s animated film The Princess and the Frog, expresses her willingness to forego having fun or taking a rest in order to finally have her dream restaurant.
What sacrifices are you willing to make (or you have already made) to achieve your dream?
19. Believe, Justin Bieber
“Cause everything starts from something. But something would be nothing, nothing if your heart didn’t dream with me. Where would I be if you didn’t believe?”
This song perfectly describes why it’s important to have someone who believes in you and your vision.
While in pursuit of your dreams, there will be times when you get discouraged, especially when faced with a lot of setbacks. Being surrounded by supportive people makes it easier todeal with failure and helps us get going again.
20. Impossible Is Nothing, Iggy Azalea
“Keep on livin’. Keep on breathin’. Even when you don’t believe it. Keep on climbin’. Keep on reachin’. Even when this world can’t see it. Know impossible is nothing. Even when you don’t believe it. Impossible is nothing.”
This song encourages us to keep on going and keep on climbing.
Even when we’re full of doubt, we must keep trusting that we can make it.
Impossible is just a construct that we can choose not to believe in.
21. Making Our Dreams Come True (Laverne & Shirley OST), Cyndi Grecco
“Doing it our way, there is nothing we won’t try. Never heard the word impossible. This time there’s no stopping us. We’re gonna make it!”
This is another song that reminds us to never believe that our dreams are impossible to reach. It is a declaration of how people who have dreams should try everything to get where they want to be.
22. Each Tear, Mary J Blige ft. Jay Sean
“In each tear there’s a lesson. Makes you wiser than before. Makes you stronger than you know. And each tear brings you closer to your dreams. No mistake, no heartbreak can take away what you’re meant to be.”
Everybody encounters setbacks. However, each moment of failure is an opportunity to learn something vital that will eventually propel us to success.
This song reminds us of this important truth and assures us that the hardships we might experience can also bring us closer to our destiny.
23. If You’re Going Through Hell, Rodney Atkins
“If you’re going through hell, keep on going. Don’t slow down. If you’re scared don’t show it. You might get out before the devil even knows you’re there. Yeah if you’re going through hell, keep on movin’. Face that fire, walk right through it. You might get out before the devil even knows you’re there.”
If you’re just about ready to throw in the towel while in pursuit of your dreams, you’ve got to listen to this song.
Its lyrics contain a famous quote that is often attributed toWinston Churchill. The statesman’s leadership and attitude during WWII encouraged people to keep going despite being faced with dire circumstances.
In the same manner, this song urges us to keep moving, to never slow down, even when we’re in the midst of a difficult situation.
24. Rise, Eddie Vedder
“Gonna rise up. Burning black holes in dark memories. Gonna rise up. Turning mistakes into gold.”
This song provides a sense of hope for those who are discouraged. First released in 2007, it is part of the soundtrack for the movie Into the Wild.
It tells listeners who feel hopeless after experiencing countless failures that they can still rise up. They can overcome the challenges blocking the way to their dreams and ambitions.
25. Hall of Fame, The Script ft. will.i.am
“Standing in the hall of fame. And the world’s gonna know your name. ‘Cause you burn with the brightest flame. And the world’s gonna know your name. And you’ll be on the walls of the hall of fame.”
What’s waiting for you at the end of the road to success? According to this song, those who make it will be celebrated. The world will know your name. You will be immortalized in the hall of fame.
