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Tag: inspirational

  • Friends Wanted (Good Ones Only, Please)

    Friends Wanted (Good Ones Only, Please)

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    Disclaimer: This isn’t therapy, and Dr. Audrey’s advice is for the general audience, meaning it may not always work for everyone. 

    Dr. Audrey, I read your article, Don’t Have Close Friends? Consider This. It’s a very good article, but I’m more introverted than extroverted. My question is, I have tried in [the] past volunteering to be a good friend, only to be taken advantage of and disrespected. It hasn’t worked for [me] thus far. Any suggestions? Maybe I didn’t set boundaries when volunteering to be a friend. Please advise. —W

    Thank you for your kind words. Hearing readers’ feedback always spurs me on, but especially uplifting ones like yours. 

    Your struggle to find good friends is a common one, as recent surveys revealed. Some have observed that making friends as an adult can be hard to do.

    The fact that you’re interested in making new friends despite our society’s friendless norm is worth applauding.

    But this brings us to your question. 

    How? 

    More specifically, how can you make friends with people who are, emotionally speaking, healthy enough? In other words, how do you find friends who would be interested in you instead of what you can do for them? 

    It would be even better if these friends were mature enough to own their mistakes—whenever they do something that offends or hurts you—and try to repair the rupture.

    But how do you build a friendship with this kind of individual?

    Wrong Motivations for Friendship

    I understand you’ve tried to be a good friend, only to be let down. I’m sorry about this crummy outcome. These things can—and do—happen, but there are ways to minimize the chances of you being taken advantage of. Let’s start by doing a little digging about why you do what you do—specifically, in the context of making friends.

    Here’s what I mean:

    Many have tried to form friendships based on emotionally unhealthy reasons, even if they weren’t necessarily aware of these factors. Some may be sacrificing copious amounts of time and energy because they’re driven by these needs: 

    -Guilt avoidance

    The Bible instructs us to do good works and be helpful (Ephesians 2:10, Galatians 6:9-10). However, we can be doing good deeds out of fear—of making God angry if we disobey, or being frowned on by church leadership. Depending on your theology, you might even fear that unless you obey the Bible word for word, your salvation is at stake. 

    Please know, however, that doing things out of guilt will not pay off. 

    -Preventing loneliness

    Some who are desperate to flee loneliness might squash their own objections and stick around anyway, even if the company they’re with spouts off political ideologies that oppose theirs, consume addictive substances, use foul language, and so on. 

    -To feel wanted or needed

    Years ago, I used to know a guy who had to pay for everyone’s meal every time we dined out. Had to. He was polite about it, but he also insisted on paying, no matter what the total was.

    Did he do it so we would crave his presence? I wonder. 

    -To fend off rejection or abandonment

    One sign you’re operating out of this motivation is if you’re always ready to accommodate, regardless of what others ask of you or how much you’ll have to swallow your own needs to make it happen. 

    Self-Led Friendship

    Now what?

    The best way to make friends, according to Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, is by being Self-led. 

    If the phrase conflicts with what you’ve heard at church—because aren’t we supposed to rely on God and not ourselves?—let me translate. See the capitalized “S” in Self? That’s not a typo. The first letter in Self is intentionally capitalized to distinguish the IFS concept of Self from the usual meaning of the word. So, think of Self as our spirit, which houses the Holy Spirit (John 3:6). 

    To be Self-led is to be led by the Holy Spirit.

    How do we make friends by being Self-led? I’ll share three ways, but let me issue a fair warning first. These steps will involve talking to yourself and considering your soul as consisting of multiple parts, something that might feel funny at first. 

    Still, I encourage you to give this modality a try. As for me and my clients—as well as scores of people around the world who have obtained breakthroughs using IFS—working with parts is an effective way to move forward.

    1. Learn to Say “No”

    I hear you say that you might have been a bit lax with your boundaries when you volunteered to be a good friend. If this is your hunch, go with it. Spend time with your internal world and be curious. Why didn’t you set firm boundaries with that friend?

    Let’s say the answer is because there’s a part of you that feels obligated to people-please, so you often find yourself responding to requests with a uniform answer—always an affirmative, no matter what.

    However, if you have mixed feelings about the request to begin with, answering a request with “yes” can trigger resentment. It might also stir up feelings of being exploited. 

    All this to say, it pays to talk to any part of you that wouldn’t let you set or defend your boundaries. Get to know the part by asking it the following questions: (After you pose each question, don’t think up the answer. Just listen to what you hear on the inside. The answer from your part might come in the form of a memory, thought, or feeling.) 

    -How long have you been doing this job for me?

    -What do you fear might happen if you stop urging me to please others?

    -Are you aware that pleasing other people comes with a price, like having to sacrifice my needs?  

    -Would you be willing to stop people-pleasing if there’s a better way to live?

    This part might have been pushing you to mutter a forced yes—instead of an honest no—so you won’t suffer rejection, which is why the next step is crucial:

    2. Heal Emotional Pain

    Is there unhealed emotional pain from yesteryear? Rejection, betrayal, being abandoned by your family or friends—all of these qualify for emotional healing. 

    According to Psalm 42:7, “deep calls unto deep” (NKJV). Within the context of our discussion, this verse means we attract friends with a similar level of emotional health we possess. The healthier you are, the more you’ll attract people who have, similarly, pursued healing for their psychological pain.  

    There are numerous routes you can take and still arrive at the healing of your internal world. Check out this guide to improving your mental health if you need a place to start.

    3. Conflict Resolution

    Conflict is inevitable. This is true among Christians, with the best of friends, and even when your friendship is Self-led. 

    So, consider confronting the friend who disrespected you. Or the one who took advantage of you. Speak from your heart and explain your hurt. 

    If the idea of conflict resolution makes you squirm, however, help is here. The bonus chapter for my small book, Surviving Difficult People, is available for free on my website. If you download it, you’ll find one way of doing conflict resolution, broken down into bite-sized chunks. 

    With that, I’ll bid you adieu.

    May your future friendships be rich and fulfilling!

    Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/Zorica Nastasic

    Audrey Davidheiser, PhD is a California licensed psychologist, certified Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapist, and IFSI-approved clinical consultant. After founding and directing a counseling center for the Los Angeles Dream Center, she now devotes her practice to survivors of trauma—including spiritual abuse. If you need her advice, visit her on www.aimforbreakthrough.com and Instagram @DrAudreyD.

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    Dr. Audrey Davidheiser

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  • Why Are We Lonelier Than Ever in a Connected World?

    Why Are We Lonelier Than Ever in a Connected World?

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    Thomas Wolfe once wrote, “The whole conviction of my life now rests upon the belief that loneliness, far from being a rare and curious phenomenon, peculiar to myself and to a few other solitary men, is the central and inevitable fact of human existence.”[1] 

    For Wolfe, loneliness is the spiritual condition of humanity. For most of us, however, loneliness amounts to little more than a problem of physical health. As is typical of a culture that sees spirituality as a purely private phenomenon, we’ve translated loneliness into a matter of public health, choosing to concentrate on its deleterious effects on a person’s physical well-being. Those physical effects, among them high blood pressure, heart disease, obesity, and anxiety, are indeed harmful, but they remain symptoms of an underlying spiritual condition.[2] Why is loneliness at “epidemic” levels in an age that’s more connected than ever? If email represented a drastic new infringement on our privacy, the advent of smartphones and social media has only exacerbated the issue, further blurring the line between public and private life. In short, it takes serious effort to get away from the constant clamor of voices. Not even an airplane offers the reprieve it once did. Yet we remain desperately lonely.

    The spiritual character of loneliness becomes clear when we recognize that it’s possible to be lonely in a crowd and content in seclusion. Think of the experience of being on a busy commuter train and still feeling lonely and isolated. Conversely, the novelist Marilynne Robinson speaks of her childhood in Idaho, where the word lonesome describes a sacred state of solitude that enlivened the mind and quickened the senses.[3] If loneliness were merely a physical problem, surely proximity to other human beings would be sufficient to mitigate its most severe effects. In fact, social proximity has left the problem of loneliness in our society largely untouched. Why? In a word, because we’re treating spiritual symptoms in purely physical terms. If we want to confront the challenge of loneliness that’s wreaking such havoc in our culture, we must go to its spiritual roots—namely, our estrangement from Christ. 

    The Foundation of Relational Spirituality  

    In Conformed to His Image, I argue, “In the deepest sense, Christianity is not a religion but a relationship that is born out of the trinitarian love of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.”[4] In a time of great loneliness, fear, and isolation, we would all do well to dwell on the nature of God’s love for us: “God’s loyal love for us is causeless (Romans 5:6), measureless (5:7-8), and ceaseless (5:9-11).”[5] Such abundant love is a mystery in the deepest sense of that word—namely, it’s a reality that exceeds our full comprehension. To be sure, this doesn’t mean that understanding the matter permanently evades us. Rather, it means that we can never plumb the depths of God’s love for us. No time is ever wasted on contemplating the extravagance of our Lord’s love for us. 

    Because He first loved us, we must begin by dwelling on God’s love and then learn to see ourselves and others in the light of it. If we fail to acknowledge the initiating action of God’s love toward us, we cannot love properly. If it’s possible to be lonely on a crowded train, in a busy office, in a church, or in a marriage, it’s also possible for God to transform our loneliest moments into times of profound intimacy. This doesn’t mean that all sadness is immediately eradicated from our lives, but it does mean that a vital relationship with our Lord grants us the stability of resting in His love rather than constantly depending on others for affirmation and fulfillment. At its heart, loneliness is a spiritual problem, and as such, the only way to address it is to address the most important relationship in our lives. Treating physical symptoms alone will offer temporary relief at best and ongoing despair at worst. 

    How do we prioritize our relationship with Christ? Ours is an age obsessed with methodology and technique. For this reason, we’re more inclined to read books or listen to podcasts about the Bible, prayer, and church than we are to actually read God’s word, pray daily, and serve in our local congregations. Precisely because we’re at a moment of spiritual crisis in our culture. However, we must go back to basics. In short, if we want to cultivate a vibrant relationship with our Savior, we must recover the time-tested practices that have served God’s people down the ages. We must read our Bibles and commit generous portions to memory. 

    To those who object that memorization doesn’t come easily to them, call to mind the vast amounts of song lyrics, movie quotes, and other pop culture trivia that most of us carry around in our heads. We remember what we choose to dwell on. Sometimes, that’s a sobering thought. The problem is often that our imaginations have been nourished more by the wider culture than by Christ, His word, and His people. For those of us who follow Christ, prayer must be as routine as brushing one’s teeth. If that statement runs the risk of trivializing something as profound as prayer, let’s also guard against the tendency to elevate our spiritual lives into irrelevance. If prayer is difficult, pray God’s word, starting with the Psalms. In God’s word, we have all we need, whether it involves words of praise or lament. Finally, we must return to the pews and do more than be consumers of “spiritual goods and services”—Eugene Peterson’s pungent phrase. We must be active members in our local congregations, serving others, and helping to clean up the many messes, ours included. People are messy, but we serve a good God whose church prevails in spite of our shortcomings. In sum, start addressing your relationship with Christ by reading His word, praying, and attending church. Basic as all these practices may seem, they are in desperate need of recovery.   

    If all of these practices are integral to one’s life, loneliness will cease to be an all-consuming problem. Naturally, we live in a fallen world and will continue struggling with aspects of loneliness. But we will no longer be in bondage to it. The tragic attempt to treat a spiritual malady in purely physical terms is a recipe for frustration and, ultimately, despair. By prioritizing our relationship with Christ, we will be liberated to love ourselves and others well because He first loved us.   

     [1] Thomas Wolfe, The Complete Short Stories of Thomas Wolfe ed. Francis E. Skipp (New York: Scribner, 1989), 492.
    [2]Available online: https://www.ama-assn.org/delivering-care/public-health/what-doctors-wish-patients-knew-about-loneliness-and-health#:~:text=Loneliness%20%E2%80%9Ccan%20have%20serious%20mental,memory%20issues%20and%20even%20death.%E2%80%9D
    [3] Marilynne Robinson, When I Was a Child I Read Books (New York: Farrar, Straus and Giroux, 2012), 88.
    [4] Ken Boa, Conformed to His Image: Biblical, Practical Approaches to Spiritual Formation (Revised Edition) (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan Academic, 2020), 16.
    [5] Ibid., 14.
    Photo Credit:  Image created using DALL.E 2024  AI technology and subsequently edited and reviewed by our editorial team.

    Kenneth Boa equips people to love well (being), learn well (knowing), and live well (doing). He is a writer, teacher, speaker, and mentor and is the President of Reflections Ministries, The Museum of Created Beauty, and Trinity House Publishers.

    Publications by Dr. Boa include Conformed to His Image, Handbook to Prayer, Handbook to Leadership, Faith Has Its Reasons, Rewriting Your Broken Story, Life in the Presence of God, Leverage, and Recalibrate Your Life.

    Dr. Boa holds a B.S. from Case Institute of Technology, a Th.M. from Dallas Theological Seminary, a Ph.D. from New York University, and a D.Phil. from the University of Oxford in England. 

    Cameron McAllisterCameron McAllister is the director of content for Reflections Ministries. He is also one half of the Thinking Out Loud Podcast, a weekly podcast about current events and Christian hope. He is the co-author (with his father, Stuart) of Faith That Lasts: A Father and Son On Cultivating Lifelong Belief. He lives in the Atlanta area with his wife and two kids.

    This article originally appeared on Christianity.com. For more faith-building resources, visit

    Christianity.com. Christianity.com

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    Dr. Kenneth Boa and Cameron McAllister

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  • A Christian’s Stance on Bullying

    A Christian’s Stance on Bullying

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    As someone who was bullied in middle school, I am well aware of the negative effects of bullying and how it can affect a person’s mental, emotional, and physical well-being. Bullying needs to end because it only causes harm to the person who is being bullied—no good comes from tearing someone else down, even if it builds a bully’s false sense of ego. Despite it being impossible to say bullying will be eradicated from society anytime soon, it’s vital that Christians stand up against this hurtful behavior. In everything we do, we need to glorify God in our actions and He would never stand for bullying.

    The way Christians must respond to bullying is by taking a bold stand against it. It is terrible that bullying still exists in the modern day; however, it is something that is in existence because of sin (and has only been enhanced thanks to today’s technology). As long as sin is in the world, bullying will continue. I mentioned above that I encountered bullying in middle school. I was bullied in the sixth grade and this caused my mother to take me out of public school. My older sisters were also bullied in public school in previous years so my mother also took them out of public school and homeschooled them too.

    I was bullied because of my appearance and my weight. The latter was one of the many factors that caused me to develop anorexia. My thought pattern consisted of thinking that if I lost weight, nobody could make fun of me anymore, nor could they bully me. Though this line of logic was obviously wrong, it’s hard to change the mind of a preteen teenager.

    Thankfully, being homeschooled got rid of the bullying, but I’m not sure how much worse the bullying could have gotten if I had stayed in public school. If you were bullied at school, or any other point in life, know that what the bully did to you was wrong. They had no right to hurt you in that way, nor did they have any right to cause you pain. Oftentimes, we feel it is our fault for being bullied because we make ourselves an “easy target,” but this isn’t true because no one deserves to be ridiculed. 

    There is an excessive need for bullying to stop. Even though I’m not in school anymore, there is still bullying going on in public schools, private schools, colleges, and in the real world. Sadly, there is no timeline for bullying as even adults bully others in the workplace and relationships. As Christians, we need to do all we can to help cease bullying, or at the very least take a stance against it in our personal lives.

    If you have been bullied or someone close to you has been bullied, you know how much you want justice to prevail and for the bully to be held accountable for their actions. This is why we shouldn’t sit on the sidelines any longer. We must stand against bullying in our words and actions. This means that we cannot sit idle or believe it is just a children’s game when it comes to bullying. As mentioned, full adults can be bullies (and are often the grown-up versions of the kids who bullied us in school). 

    What Would Jesus Do?

    When discussing how we as Christians should respond, we need to look at the example of Jesus. While it is true that Jesus teaches us to turn the other cheek, it doesn’t mean He says it’s okay for people to walk all over us. Rather, Jesus wants us to stand up for our safety and the well-being of others. If we see someone being bullied, Jesus wants us to come to their side and help them. In the same way, if we are being bullied, we don’t need to turn a deaf ear. If someone is bullying you now, you need to notify a parent, a teacher, or a boss. Tell someone in an authority position what is going on so you have them as support. 

    If it is a legal matter, such as being harassed or bullied on the streets, notify the police. Over the past year, I have had to fill out more police reports than I can count. On my daily walk, I’ve been having teenage boys drive by in cars screaming at me and looping back several times to blow their horns and scream at me more. It’s very stressful and scary, to say the least. Despite being an adult, I still face bullying.

    In these situations, we have to think of what Jesus would do. While Jesus would show mercy and forgiveness, He also wants justice to prevail. If someone is bullying a person and hurting them, justice requires that the wrongdoer pay for their actions. God is a God of justice and He wants to see justice given to those who have been hurt. If you are someone who has been bullied or is experiencing bullying right now, know that justice will prevail. Inform everyone of the bullying. Bullies want to make us feel alone or without hope, but this isn’t true. We have hope in God and in the people God has placed in our lives.

    Don’t keep silent. Use your voice and speak up. Don’t be afraid to tell the police, the principal, or your boss about the bullying that is going on. If you are someone who knows their loved one is being bullied, speak up for them. Tell an authority figure what is going on because nothing will change if nothing is said. 

    Our voices are weapons, and we can use them for good. We have to tell authority figures about what is going on in order for the bullying to stop. As I have done with contacting the police and filling out police reports, you can do the same. Don’t be afraid to speak up for yourself or to speak up for others. If you don’t do anything, the bullying will only continue. If you speak up and say something to an authority figure, they will be able to make the bully stop or even remove them from the situation altogether. 

    What Can We Do As Christians

    As Christians, there is much we can do. God wants the bullying to stop, and He can give you the strength to speak up for yourself and others. God has also protected you in many ways from bullies, both in the spiritual and physical world, you haven’t noticed yet. He is always watching over you, and He will keep you safe.

    This is something we all need to remind ourselves when we are faced with bullies. Even though our bullies might look big and intimidating, they are only humans like us. God is more powerful and more strong than any bully. We can always count on God to have our backs, and He will give us the victory. Just as David defeated Goliath, the Lord will help us defeat the Goliaths in our lives (1 Samuel 17:50-53). 

    The first step to doing this is to speak up and talk to someone about it. It might be scary at first, but understand that talking to an authority figure will help the bullying stop. As Christians, we need to do all we can to stop bullying and make sure that we know what to do when it personally affects us. Through educating ourselves and others on bullying, we will be able to help more people who have been affected by bullying. Not to mention, we could also help prevent many people from ever being bullied in the first place. As Christians, we are to be the hands and feet of Jesus to the world, which often looks like doing everything we can to stop bullying. 

    Photo Credit: ©Getty-Motortion

    Vivian Bricker loves Jesus, studying the Word of God, and helping others in their walk with Christ. She has earned a Bachelor of Arts and Master’s degree in Christian Ministry with a deep academic emphasis in theology. Her favorite things to do are spending time with her family and friends, reading, and spending time outside. When she is not writing, she is embarking on other adventures.

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  • Your Husband Isn’t the Enemy

    Your Husband Isn’t the Enemy

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    We had a showdown at MC Wholesale the other day. Pull out the tumbleweeds and gun fire and we would’ve had a fight. 

    This wasn’t any argument. It was an argument over a $5 piece of technology my husband desperately pleaded he needed. To him it was a need. I called it a want or desire.

    After being asked 35 times with the word “please,” I hung my head in defeat. “I’m not going to lose my marriage over a stupid piece of equipment,” I remarked. “Go get it,” I relented. “Only if you’re okay with it,” my husband replied. I wasn’t, but I obliged. I hadn’t given up my mind. After two hours of arguing in the store, however, I realized it wasn’t worth it.

    As much as I didn’t want my husband to buy that piece of technology I would call junk, the fact was this: my husband isn’t the enemy. I suspect that yours (or your spouse or significant other isn’t the enemy either).

    Did I realize that while talking heatedly in the store? Absolutely not. Did I realize it later and regret some choice words said? Yes. Perhaps my mishap in the store can prevent you from your own.

    Here are two things I learned:

    1. Check Your Priorities

    For me, this entire situation began long before Ben saw this “beautiful piece of technology” he just had to have. It didn’t matter to me that it was “worth $1000,” “a stellar deal,” or could “just sit quietly in the basement.” What mattered was that any clutter stresses me out and makes me anxious. 

    Growing up in a home fragmented by abuse, chaos, and pain has often made stuff the enemy. It’s not that stuff did anything to me, but it was always present in my trauma.

    Piles of laundry remind me of long days and longer nights with my mom. Doing all the chores ourselves without a helping hand.

    Paper and piles remind me of overdue bills and hectic grocery trips. Did we have enough money or did someone spend it all? Could we afford to use the AC, or would we need to spend another night using the windows?

    Misplaced items we didn’t need or have room for remind me of extravagant things people would bring into our home that we clearly couldn’t afford. They remind me of someone trying to buy my love when all I really wanted was their time.

    So as Ben and I left the store and sat in the car, I thought about my priorities. He knew the concerns I’d voiced about clutter and anxiety, and I knew his. But I had to trust him and prioritize our relationship over being right or wrong in this disagreement. As my Grandma Memo often quotes, “Sometimes, agreeing to disagree,” is the healthiest and best thing you can do in that moment. It may very well still be uncomfortable and unpleasant, but it can help table the conversation until later when both parties are in a better headspace. 

    2. Check Your Heart

    The second thing this incident revealed to me is stated in the title but worth noting and explaining.

    When arguments happen, we’re quick to place blame, aim, shoot, and fire. If we’re not careful, we will place blame where blame was never due.

    In this particular situation, both my husband and I exemplified habits and said things we wished we hadn’t. There were many things that would’ve been better than how we handled it. Can you relate? We’re almost a year into marriage and still learning a lot. I figure I’ll be learning my entire life. But one thing I felt Christ tell me was, “Your husband isn’t the enemy.” I needed to check my heart. Do you?

    So many arguments in our lives could be prevented if we immediately took them to Christ before responding. Did I do this as soon as Ben and I disagreed? No. Did I do it fifteen minutes later? Yes. What did God tell me? To listen, have grace, and recognize the true enemy.

    Friend, no matter the situation, argument, or unpleasant circumstance you may be dealing with, I guarantee you that the person, place, or thing, isn’t the enemy. We all know that Satan is declared a liar, a thief, and someone who seeks to destroy us. Satan‘s goal is to distract us from Christ by making those around us the enemy. As Christians, we have to be wiser and smarter than that. 

    Scripture tells us that the thief has come to steal, kill, and destroy, but Jesus has come to give us life and life to the fullest (John 10:10). If Satan can turn our friends, family, world, leaders, and nations into the enemy, then he’s already won. Don’t let him.

    Take Your Heart to Christ

    I’m not saying that what someone did to you is right or wasn’t a sin. We live in a fallen world with broken people who do and say things they shouldn’t all of the time. The abuse, manipulation, and pain that you’ve experienced are real and heartbreaking. That physical or mental trauma matters—because you matter.

    What I am saying is that before we respond to situations, we need to think. We need to make sure that our priorities and our hearts are right and not right in the sense of the world, but right in the sense of being aligned with Christ and what the Scriptures say. Why? Because doing so can prevent heartache, words spoken too soon, and reactions based on emotions rather than fairness.

    I’m an emotional person. I’ve experienced tragedy, heartache, heartbreak, trauma, and pain. But I’m learning to realize those around me aren’t the enemy. I hope this post can encourage you to learn and do the same. 

    It’s not going to be easy. It’s also not a one-and-done process. Remember, there are no quick fixes or simple answers in this life. But over time, as we allow the Spirit to work in and through us, it’s worth it.

    The next time you’re in a heated room and you feel yourself growing antsy, take a deep breath and ask yourself, “What are my priorities, and have I checked my heart?” Your husband, significant other, best friend, sister, brother, mom, dad, grandma, grandpa, aunt, teacher, professor, boss, you name it, isn’t the enemy. And he will do anything and everything to convince you that he isn’t. Stand on guard. Know who the bad guy really is and call him out—not those you love.

    Agape, Amber

    Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/fizkes

    Amber Ginter is a teacher-turned-author who loves Jesus, her husband Ben, and granola. Growing up Amber looked for faith and mental health resources and found none. Today, she offers hope for young Christians struggling with mental illness that goes beyond simply reading your Bible and praying more. Because you can love Jesus and still suffer from anxiety. You can download her top faith and mental health resources for free to help navigate books, podcasts, videos, and influencers from a faith lens perspective. Visit her website at amberginter.com.

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    Amber Ginter

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  • A Marriage Checklist for Christians

    A Marriage Checklist for Christians

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    If you are dating or engaged, thoughts about marriage are bound to pass through your mind. It’s good to ask questions about whether or not you are ready. Take your time thinking about them because they will help you considerably. Most importantly, talk with God about your thoughts and be honest with Him. It’s okay if you don’t feel ready for marriage right away or unsure if you’re with “the one.” Take your time and see where God leads. 

    Read through this checklist to ensure you’re doing all you can to follow God’s lead in marriage:

    Are You Consulting God? 

    Consulting with God is the best thing to do when you are unsure about whether you are ready or not for marriage. Marriage is a huge step and something that should not be taken lightly. Marriage is a sacred covenant before the eyes of God. Once you are married to someone, you both become one flesh (Genesis 2:24). As we can see, this is a huge commitment and one that endures throughout our lives. 

    This is why you must make sure you really know a person and want to spend your life with them. Divorce is only biblical if your spouse is unfaithful to you or abuses you (Matthew 5:32). Abuse goes against God’s design for marriage as detailed by the Apostle Paul (Ephesians 5:22-33). You shouldn’t divorce someone just because you are tired of them or you aren’t attracted to them anymore. Keep this in mind when you are considering marriage because it is a lifelong commitment and can be hard in certain seasons.

    Go to God with all of your worries, fears, and concerns. If you are unsure about marriage right now, tell God about it. If you are really excited to get married right now, tell God about that too. It is normal to feel nervous and scared at times to take this next big step, but it is also important to know that if you are marrying the right person you should feel safe and secure with them. If you are having doubts, it is important to bring them up to the Lord.

    Ask the Lord to help you figure out whether you are ready for marriage or not. He will use the Word to help point you in the right direction. If you are ready for marriage and are with the right person, it will be made known to you. However, if it is too soon for you to get married or if you are with the wrong person, God will also make that known to you. God wants you to be happy and sometimes that means waiting a little bit longer. 

    This does not mean you have to end things with your partner; however, it does mean maybe you should take things a bit slower. If you have only recently met, it might be best to wait a little while longer before you start talking about marriage. However, if you have been dating for a while and truly know each other, love each other, and are willing to commit to each other, then it’s good to go ahead and start thinking about marriage. God will give you clarity if you ask Him. 

    Are You Talking with Trusted Believers and Heeding Their Advice? 

    It’s also important to talk with other trusted believers when you are trying to answer the question of whether you are ready for marriage or not. They can be a great unbiased resource to help point you in the right direction. Not only this, but they will also be able to pray for you and ask God to make His will known to you. Trusted believers will be able to help you answer these hard questions, and if they are truly your friends, they won’t be afraid to give you their honest opinions.

    If you are relatively young, know that marriage is not a race. Trusted Christians in your life will also help remind you of this truth. If you are a teenager, know that it might be best to wait a few years before you decide to get married. It’s wise to wait and truly know the person before you commit your life to them. While many people might see this as restrictive, it is extremely helpful. Take your time and don’t feel like you have to marry the first person you meet. 

    Consult with trusted believers and listen to their input. Be open-minded and do not allow pride to get in the way of truly hearing them out. Older and wiser Christians will be able to help you in ways that your own thoughts cannot. You have to be willing to listen to them and truly think about what they are telling you. Marriage is a beautiful thing, but it should not be something that is rushed into.  

    Are You Being Open with Your Partner? 

    In order to know if you are ready for marriage, you need to be open with your partner. If you are engaged and are having doubts, be open with them about it. Maybe you are worried about something in their past or you are afraid of something in your own past. If you are already engaged, this should be a sign that your partner really cares about you and wants to spend their life with you. If you know their love is unwavering, you shouldn’t be afraid to share your worries and concerns.

    Don’t downplay this or make this less important than it is. If you are going to marry them, they should be a Christian, which means they should treat you and love you as Jesus treats and loves the Church. If the person you are dating or engaged to is not a believer, then it is time to end the relationship.

    Is the Person a Christian Who Loves Jesus? 

    The Bible is clear that marriage should only be between one male believer and one female believer. As a Christian, you are commanded not to be unequally yoked with an unbeliever (2 Corinthians 6:14). I mention this point because there are many Christians who marry unbelievers, and their marriages are broken because both people aren’t built upon God. If your marriage is not built upon God, it will fall.

    You need to marry a believer because only a Christian will be able to lead you in the Lord, love you as Jesus loves the Church, and truly want the best for you as you grow in your relationship with the Lord. An unbeliever will not be able to help you grow in your walk with Christ nor will they love you as Jesus loves the Church. Choose to only date believers, and this will ensure you are marrying someone you are truly compatible with in life, love, and faith. 

    Marriage is a beautiful thing and it gives you the opportunity to serve Christ through your marriage. Consult God, talk with other trusted believers, and be open with your significant other. Between all these things, you will be able to know if you are ready for marriage. 

    Photo Credit: ©Sandy Millar/Unsplash

    Vivian Bricker loves Jesus, studying the Word of God, and helping others in their walk with Christ. She has earned a Bachelor of Arts and Master’s degree in Christian Ministry with a deep academic emphasis in theology. Her favorite things to do are spending time with her family and friends, reading, and spending time outside. When she is not writing, she is embarking on other adventures.

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  • How to Forgive When Your Offender Is Not Sorry

    How to Forgive When Your Offender Is Not Sorry

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    Have you ever loaned money to a friend with a promise of repayment, but the debt was never satisfied? Or perhaps you sold an item but didn’t receive the money you were due? As a matter of justice, we want accounts to be kept. We want others to pay what they owe.

    One of my first jobs involved debt collection. Thankfully, I didn’t work for a sleazy agency that harassed poor people who had no money. Instead, I worked for a corporation that sold products and called other businesses to remind them about overdue invoices. Many times, people appreciated the nudge and paid their bills. In these cases, the company could continue to buy products and services in a mutually beneficial business relationship.

    When the company did not pay the debt, however, it could no longer purchase products. The business relationship was broken.

    The debt of sin breaks relationships, too.

    I remember my broken heart in third grade when my best friend said something mean. I hid and cried all through recess. That relationship never recovered. Little did I know life would grow more difficult. A few years later, my father’s neglect and my parents’ divorce damaged my family and skewed future adult relationships.

    Since then, I’ve endured much worse offenses. I cannot think of any sin more painful than an attack against an innocent person I love. Must I forgive? And how could I possibly restore the relationship? What if the offender’s not sorry? I’ve wept and wrestled with these questions as I sought to imitate Jesus. In the process, I’ve learned more about what forgiveness is—and is not.

    The First Broken Relationship 

    Before Adam and Eve sinned, they enjoyed perfect fellowship with God. They walked and talked with Him in a transparent relationship. God revealed Himself to them, and they hid nothing from Him. The Bible says, “The man and his wife were both naked, but they felt no shame” (Genesis 2:25 NLT).

    When Adam and Eve sinned, their seamless connection with God was torn. Fear gripped them because they owed God a debt for their transgression, but they had no way to pay. Just as monetary debts do not disappear when a person physically dies, the spiritual death of Adam and Eve did not cancel their obligation to God. The debt of sin passed down through generations and still torments people today.

    In His infinite mercy, God provided a temporary solution for the growing debt of His people. He accepted the sacrifice of animals to cover their sins. Later, God sent His Son, Jesus, to accept the penalty so people would no longer need to offer animals. His death on the cross paid off the entire crushing balance of sin for all people. If you have trusted Jesus for salvation, then your debt of sin is paid in full.

    We must never forget the sacrifice of His Son cost Father God dearly. He and Jesus had always enjoyed perfect unity since before time began. They, along with the Holy Spirit, are one. If you are a parent of a child who’s been hurt, you can understand a small taste of Father God’s anguish as He watched evil people torture and kill His innocent Son.

    God’s Command

    While Jesus lived on earth, He taught us to pray to God about our sins. He instructed us to say, “And forgive us our sins, for we ourselves also forgive everyone who is indebted to us. And do not lead us into temptation” (Luke 11:4 NASB).

    Jesus showed us a pattern to follow regarding sin. When we disobey God, we should repent and ask for pardon. In response, He washes away guilt and restores us to a right relationship with Him. This pattern carries over into our relationships with others. If someone offends us, they should show remorse and ask for our forgiveness. Following God’s example, we forgive their debt to us (Colossians 3:13).

    The Burden of Unforgiveness

    What happens when someone can’t—or won’t—ask for forgiveness? Or perhaps they say they’re sorry, but then continue to commit the same sin. Peter posed this critical question to Jesus when he asked, “Lord, how often should I forgive someone who sins against me? Seven times?” (Matthew 18:21 NLT). Essentially, Peter wanted to know when his responsibility to forgive ended.

    When we neglect or refuse to forgive the sins of others, we become like a collection agency. The debt of their sin weighs us down with an obligation to make them pay. At first, we may relish the prospect of extracting restitution from the person who wronged us.

    Over time, though, the task of debt collection grows burdensome. When the offender does not meet our expectations, our hearts harden toward them. If we continue the relationship, resentment may seep in. A feeling of superiority—pride—follows close on the heels of resentment. Over time, bitterness develops and gives Satan a foothold in our lives. The weight of the debt prevents us from obeying God’s mandate to love this offending neighbor as ourselves.

    Jesus answered Peter’s question about how often to forgive: “’No, not seven times,’ Jesus replied, ‘but seventy times seven!’” (Matthew 18:22 NLT). I can imagine Peter’s heart must have plummeted when he heard these words. Impossible!

    Seventy times seven is a figure of speech that means no limits. Jesus intends for us to forgive the coworker who gossips behind our back every day. The neighbor who bothers us with loud parties. The jealous sibling who always stirs up trouble. The spouse who broke vows. And even the person who victimized a loved one. This elevated standard of forgiveness would be impossible without the help of God’s Spirit.

    Forgiveness means giving up our claim against the person who sinned against us. Depending on the nature of the offense, a pardon may also include the restoration of a broken relationship. When restoration is reasonable and safe, trust must be earned.

    While reunification may not be possible or prudent in every instance, God always wants us to forgive.

    Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/seb_ra

    6 Steps in the Process of Forgiveness

    Empowered by the Holy Spirit within us, we can release control of debt collection to God and forgive every offense.

    1. Meditate on the suffering and death Jesus endured to forgive all sins. 

    Picture yourself at the foot of the cross of Jesus. Remember, the blood He shed covers every person’s transgressions, including the ones that hurt you. Ultimately, offenses are, first and foremost, against God. But we often get caught in the crossfire of sin. Let’s not shortchange the value of Jesus’ extreme sacrifice with a refusal to apply His shed blood to every sin we’ve suffered at the hands of others.

    Here’s a link you could use on this topic: https://annieyorty.com/gods-person/the-crossfire-of-sin/

    2. With God, lament the offense you’ve suffered.

    In this necessary step, pour out your heart to God about the full scope of the sin against you. If the offense is minor, this process may be quick and easy. But life-changing hurts can take more time as you talk to God about the tendrils of pain that have crept into every area of your life. This is not the time to minimize or excuse. Be honest with Him about the effects of the other person’s actions on your life. If you think of the offense as a plant, you want to apply the power of Jesus’ sacrifice not only to the leaves and fruit, but also all the way down to the deepest root.

    3. In prayer, turn the responsibility of debt collection for sins against you over to Jesus.

    As the One who paid the penalty, He may choose if and when to exact payment from the offender. Thank Jesus for relieving you of the weight of this responsibility.

    4. Release the person who sinned against you from their debt.

    In your own words and in the presence of Jesus, follow this pattern:

    [Name of person], I choose to forgive and release you for [name the offense]. I will no longer expect you to repay me in any way. This offense is now between you and God. I trust Him to deal with you according to His wisdom, justice, and mercy.

    5. Speaking again to God, express your desire for God’s best for the person who has hurt you.

    Jesus said, “Bless those who curse you. Pray for those who hurt you” (Luke 6:28 NLT). If you struggle to bless the offender, ask God to give you faith to trust and obey Him. He gives power to see the person who sinned against you through His eyes of love and compassion.

    6. Conclude in prayer with gratitude for the mercy God has shown to you.

    Dear Father God, I’m grateful for Your tender mercy toward me. Through Jesus, I have forgiveness for my own sins. You also carry the burden of offenses committed against me so my life won’t be controlled by bitterness and malice. You give me comfort and peace when I come to You. I trust You to bring justice to my situation in Your perfect timing, so I’ll turn over the offender’s debt to Your capable hands. I pray in Jesus’ name. Amen.

    Live Unburdened

    God’s forgiveness of our sins is always complete and lasting. But our forgiveness of others may sometimes need to be renewed. If old feelings resurface, we may once again feel the weight of unforgiveness. At these times, we can run to God and regain inner peace by going through the steps of forgiveness again.

    Whether the offender is sorry or not, this process of forgiveness allows us to exchange the burden of exacting justice for the peace of God. We can trust Him to handle every offense against us.

    Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/evgenyatamanenko

    Writer Annie YortyAnnie Yorty writes and speaks to encourage others to perceive God’s person, presence, provision, and purpose in the unexpected twists and turns of life. Married to her high school sweetheart and living in Pennsylvania, she mothers a teen, two adult children (one with intellectual disabilities), and a furry beast labradoodle. She has written From Ignorance to Bliss: God’s Heart Revealed through Down Syndrome. Please connect with her at http://annieyorty.com/, Facebook, and Instagram.

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  • Where Does the Bible Draw the Line Between Conflict and Emotional Abuse?

    Where Does the Bible Draw the Line Between Conflict and Emotional Abuse?

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    Abuse comes in different forms. While we easily recognize the patterns and evidence of physical or sexual abuse, emotional abuse proves more complex. 

    Emotional abuse involves a pattern of behavior that undermines another person’s self-esteem, sense of worth, and emotional well-being. It can manifest in several different ways but leaves no visible scars, making it a challenge to detect. However, the effects of emotional abuse lead to anxiety, depression, and difficulty forming relationships. 

    At the core, abuse defiles the image of God given to every person at creation. Each human being has been made in God’s image, a special creation on this earth, and we should, therefore, treat that image with dignity and respect, no matter who a person is or what they’ve done. The image of God in every person pre-existed our actions and behavior, and this divine design within humanity forms the basis for God’s love and mercy for humanity. From this love, he seeks to redeem us back into a reconciled relationship with himself. 

    Whether emotional, physical, sexual, or religious, abuse brings violence to the image of God in a person. The Bible speaks against all abuse of authority, including the emotional. 

    What Bible verses address emotional abuse? 

    While not explicitly mentioned as “emotional abuse,” the Scripture addresses it through various verses emphasizing the importance of love, kindness, and respect for others. 

    Jesus dealt with how people treat others when teaching using the word “Raca,” a curse word, or “you fool.” Christ explains how religious leaders will punish people who use the curse word. Yet, if people curse another, saying simply, “You fool,” they are guilty of the same sin and subject to God’s judgment since all individuals have eternal value to God. 

    Ephesians 4:29 instructs believers to “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.” Words possess power, and people have the responsibility to use uplifting language that encourages others rather than tears them down. Corrupt or abusive speech has no place in a believer’s life, and instead, they should speak kind and encouraging words.  

    Similarly, Colossians 3:19 addresses emotional abuse within marriage, instructing husbands to “love your wives and do not be harsh with them.” In Christ, spouses must treat each other with gentleness and respect rather than harsh or demeaning language that can cause harm.  

    Proverbs 15:1 offers wisdom on responding to conflict: “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” Problems will occur, yet believers should respond kindly rather than reacting with anger, hostility, or aggression. It encourages Jesus’ followers to approach conflicts with a spirit of gentleness and humility, seeking to constructively resolve disagreements.

    Galatians 5:22-23 describes the fruit of the Spirit, which includes love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. These qualities stand in direct opposition to emotionally abusive behaviors such as manipulation, control, and verbal attacks. Instead, believers are called to draw upon the indwelling Spirit and cultivate these virtues in relationships, demonstrating love and respect toward others.

    What are the signs and elements of emotional abuse? 

    Emotional abuse may not have the same outward evidence, so we must learn to recognize the signs and examples of emotional abuse to address the harmful behavior. 

    Criticism appears as a key sign. This involves constant belittling, name-calling, or demeaning remarks to undermine a person’s self-confidence and sense of worth. For example, a partner who consistently criticizes their spouse’s appearance, intelligence, or abilities engages in emotional abuse. 

    This criticism brings us to the next sign, manipulation, which takes many forms, including gaslighting, guilt-tripping, or using threats to control another’s behavior. A parent might manipulate their child by constantly threatening to withhold love or affection unless he or she meets certain demands and engages in emotional abuse. 

    Those who engage in emotional abuse seek to isolate others. This entails removing sources of support, such as friends, family, or social activities, to exert control. As an example, a parter who prevents their spouse from seeing friends or family members to limit access to outside perspectives and support.

    Emotional abuse often involves invalidating a person’s feelings and experiences. This can include dismissing their concerns, minimizing their emotions, or refusing to acknowledge their needs. For example, a boss who consistently ignores an employee’s complaints regarding workplace harassment engages in emotional abuse.

    For the net element, the abuser uses threats and intimidation to maintain control over a person, usually involving threats of physical violence or more subtle forms like menacing gestures. A caregiver who threatens to harm an elderly relative if they speak out about the abuse engages in emotional harm. 

    Another form of emotional abuse happens when controlling a person’s access to financial resources and using money to manipulate them. This includes withholding money, controlling access to bank accounts, or sabotaging the victim’s employment opportunities. For example, a partner who controls all household finances and refuses to allow the spouse any money independence. 

    Lastly, emotional abuse often involves blame-shifting and refusal to take personal responsibility. This can manifest through constantly shifting blame onto the victim, denying any wrongdoing, or refusing to apologize for hurtful behavior. A parent who blames their child for their own abusive behavior, claiming they provoked it, engages in emotional abuse.

    How can religion or the church be guilty of emotional abuse? 

    Since Christians are human, the Church can be guilty of emotional abuse when certain beliefs, practices, or teachings are used to manipulate, control, or harm individuals’ emotional well-being. While many churches strive to provide a supportive and nurturing environment, instances of emotional abuse still occur.

    One way churches engage in emotional abuse happens through leaders misusing their authority. Leaders who wield their influence in coercive or manipulative ways create an environment of fear, guilt, or shame among the congregation. These leaders use tactics like authoritarian rule, micromanagement of personal lives, or imposing strict or unreasonable moral standards under threat of ostracism or other punishment. Such tactics undermine people’s autonomy and self-worth, leading to emotional distress and dependency on the church for validation and approval.

    Certain scriptural interpretations perpetuate beliefs that contribute to emotional abuse. For example, teachings that emphasize submission to authority without question or condemning dissenting views foster a fearful and controlling community atmosphere. Doctrines that emphasize sin, guilt, and punishment without offering grace, forgiveness, and redemption exacerbate feelings of shame and unworthiness.

    Finally, the culture and dynamics within a church community also play a significant role in perpetuating emotional abuse. Toxic church cultures characterized by gossip, judgmental attitudes, and exclusionary practices create an environment of fear and mistrust among members. This leads to social ostracism, bullying, or emotional manipulation, particularly for those who deviate from the perceived norms or expectations of the community.

    How can Christians avoid emotional abuse? 

    We avoid emotional abuse by following the Lord Jesus Christ’s example and adhering to his principles of love, kindness, and compassion. Here are several ways Christians promote a culture of emotional health and well-being within their communities. 

    1. Cultivate a culture of love and acceptance. Jesus calls us to love one another as he loved us (John 13:34-35). This means accepting others unconditionally, regardless of their background, beliefs, or behaviors. By fostering a culture of love and acceptance, we create spaces where individuals feel valued, respected, and supported.
    2. Practice empathy and compassion. Christ demonstrated empathy and compassion towards hurting or marginalized people (Matthew 9:36). We follow his example by actively listening to others, validating their feelings, and offering support and encouragement during distressing times. 
    3. Speak words of encouragement and affirmation. Proverbs 16:24 teaches, “Gracious words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.” Words have power, and we properly use words to build others up and speak life to them and their circumstances. Offering encouraging, affirming, and thankful words uplift the spirits of those who struggle and provide them hope for the future. 
    4. Create safe spaces for vulnerability and authenticity. Romans 12:15 encourages us to “Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.” When we create these safe spaces within our communities, individuals feel comfortable expressing emotions, sharing struggles, and seeking support without fear of judgment or condemnation.  
    5. Provide pastoral care and counseling. “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way, you will fulfill the law of Christ.” (Galatians 6:2) Problems and abuses will occur, and churches should offer pastoral care and counseling to those experiencing emotional distress or difficult circumstances. We can be part of the healing instead of perpetuating the problem. Providing a listening ear, offering guidance and support, and connecting people with further resources make a significant difference in healing. 
    6. Practice forgiveness and reconciliation. Ephesians 4:32 urges us, “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” The Bible continually tells us to forgive others, which we couldn’t do unless someone hurt us. Unforgiveness becomes a toxin within our hearts, so we promote emotional health and well-being through practicing forgiveness and reconciliation in relationships. Extending grace and forgiveness to those who have wronged us breaks the cycle of hurt and bitterness, enabling us to restore wholeness.  
    7. Recognize and Call Out Abuse. From Matthew 21:12-13: “Jesus entered the temple courts and drove out all who were buying and selling there. He overturned the tables of the money changers and the benches of those selling doves. ‘It is written,’ he said to them, ‘My house will be called a house of prayer, but you are making it a den of robbers.’” We must all be on guard against emotional abuse, and all abuse. The faith community should be a place where the image of God is valued and dignified, and when abuse occurs, we must address people and situations with love and grace, offering restoration and repentance while standing against and decrying the abuse. 

    By following these principles, we promote healthy emotional communities in which we value all people and offer hope and love to those who are hurting or in need. 

    Photo Credit: ©iStock/Getty Images Plus/seb_ra

    Britt Mooney lives and tells great stories. As an author of fiction and non -iction, he is passionate about teaching ministries and nonprofits the power of storytelling to inspire and spread truth. Mooney has a podcast called Kingdom Over Coffee and is a published author of We Were Reborn for This: The Jesus Model for Living Heaven on Earth as well as Say Yes: How God-Sized Dreams Take Flight.

    This article originally appeared on Christianity.com. For more faith-building resources, visit

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  • 7 Postures for a Happy Marriage — Especially When Opposites Attract

    7 Postures for a Happy Marriage — Especially When Opposites Attract

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    My husband and I have been married for 23 years. We sometimes joke about the fact that our parents even let us get married at such an early age. Why did they let us go through with such a big decision? We had no idea what we were doing. Not that many newlyweds do.

    Mostly, we had no idea how different we were. My husband and I are total opposites in almost every way; we are not compatible on paper, at all.

    Yet we’ve done the work to make our marriage work.

    Now, 23 years later, we are church leaders and parents of three sons, and we are still doing the work of loving each other. We are often asked about the secret to making a marriage last between two opposite personalities.

    For us, a happy marriage is not so much a list of dos and don’ts, but it is a few postures and decisions we’ve chosen to adapt as marital values. Here are a few:

    1. Grab a Hold of Jesus’ Forgiveness

    Elizabeth Elliot was thought to have said something like, “A happy marriage is made up of two people who forgive each other for the rest of their lives.” Marriage between two limited, imperfect human beings requires a whole heckuva lot of forgiveness.

    And often — just being honest here — we don’t have that in us. Because of our pride or anger or human selfishness, it can be easy to hold grudges rather than choose grace. So, this is when we need to access Jesus’ unending forgiveness.

    This is when we need to posture ourselves before God and ask for help, “Jesus, give me the ability to forgive my spouse today, because you have forgiven me so much.”

    Ephesians 4:32 reminds us to “be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” This posture of forgiveness is crucial to embrace for a happy, lasting marriage.

    2. Have Fun, Be Playful, Laugh a Lot

    As I said, my hubs and I are opposites. We don’t enjoy the same activities. We don’t ever want to watch the same shows or listen to the same style of music. On paper, we are actually totally wrong for each other.

    But we are intentional about laughing together. Scripture reminds us that laughter is good medicine, good for the heart (Proverbs 17:22), and it’s just as true in the heart of a marriage.

    A couple who can laugh together can have fun together — and that’s a meaningful way to make life’s burdens lighter together.

    3. Choose Self-sacrifice

    “Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends” (John 15:13). This Scripture, along with others like it, is the real work of love and marriage.

    In public, as in private, honor one other. Put the other first. Lay down each other’s lives — in the big sacrifices and the small ones — so that you are truly putting on a posture of love.

    Choose selflessness every moment you can. This can be hurtful if both spouses aren’t posturing themselves towards self-sacrifice. But if each of you is committed to that — what a beautiful picture of love you’ll display to each other and to the world around you.

    4. Know That Different Isn’t Bad

    In marriage, especially as the years go on, it can be so easy to start telling yourself a false story about your spouse — especially if you are different from one another.

    One of you might be future-oriented, while the other is in the moment, but the stories you tell yourself in that difference are where the work of marriage really comes in.

    If you begin to place a value on your differences, if you begin to assume that your spouse is bad or has shortcomings simply because he or she is different than you, your marriage will never thrive. We must remember again and again that different isn’t bad.

    In fact, our differences can be gifts that help sharpen and shape the other. Accept your differences. Learn to appreciate them. And refuse to let the stories you tell yourself about your spouse get negative or harmful.

    5. Get Help

    Go to therapy. Go to therapy. Go to therapy. There is no shame, in fact, there is only wisdom in seeking guidance from a wise counselor, especially when the pain and conflict in marriage is too much to bear. Go often. Go every few years. Get help.

    Therapy saves marriages. Period. As the sage of Proverbs said, “The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but a wise person is the one who listens to counsel” (Proverbs 12:15).

    6. Repair Matters

    Healthy conflict includes healthy repair. When your nervous system has calmed down after a fight, and when you are both in a more peaceful emotional place — that is the moment to do the work of active listening, of emotional repair, and of healing.

    Especially for couples who tend to be opposites, it’s worth scheduling intentional time for repair after a conflict, and even worth pausing the conflict in the moment if you are getting too heated.

    The way you have conflict and repair that conflict’s damage matters as much as, if not more, than the actual content of the argument itself. Colossians reminds us to bear with one another and forgive each other. We do this best through intentional, ongoing emotional repair.

    7. The Grass Is Greener Where You Water It

    This posture will save many marriages. If we aren’t careful, we can tend to believe the lie that we married the wrong person or that someone else — someone more like us — would make us happy.

    But the marriage that we invest in, is the one that blossoms and grows. Make bids for affection, date, choose each other. Water your marriage and the grass will be green.

    I definitely don’t believe in any silver bullets for a successful marriage, but I do believe in a few postures — a few stances — that will help make a marriage between opposites last — and make it last with success and joy.

    Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/OJO_Images

    Aubrey Sampson is a pastor, author, speaker, and cohost of the podcast, Nothing is Wasted. She is the author of Big Feeling Days, The Louder Song, Overcomer, and her newest release, Known. Find and follow her @aubsamp on Instagram. Go to aubreysampson.com for more. 

    This article originally appeared on Christianity.com. For more faith-building resources, visit

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  • What Does Marriage Give You That Domestic Partnership Does Not?

    What Does Marriage Give You That Domestic Partnership Does Not?

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    Marriage versus domestic partnership can be a hot topic. Some people are okay with it, while others are not. With cohabitation becoming the norm and fewer people getting married, it’s no wonder this can be a confusing topic for most people. However, most people may not know that there are many things that marriage gives you that a domestic partnership doesn’t.

    Comprehensive Legal Recognition

    When people get married, both legal and federal governments recognize it.

    Tax Benefits

    Couples who are married can file their taxes jointly, thus potentially reducing their tax liability.

    Spousal Benefits

    When you get married, you automatically qualify for spouse benefits, including spousal Social Security, Medicare, public assistance, veteran’s military, and disability benefits.

    Photo credit: © Getty Images/monkeybusinessimages

    Medical Decision Making

    By being recognized as a legal union, spouses can make health decisions regarding each other and visit each other in healthcare settings.

    Inheritance Rights

    Each spouse may inherit property from each other when one spouse dies.

    Immigration Sponsorship

    One spouse can sponsor or petition for immigration on their spouse’s behalf.

    Divorce Protection

    If you and your spouse should divorce, there are laws in place that govern how divorce works compared to the messiness of a breakup in a domestic partnership.

    Higher Life Expectancy

    Married people enjoy a longer life expectancy on average, possibly because they have a healthier lifestyle and are more content with their lives.

    Better Sleep

    Studies show that being in a lasting relationship and having a partner’s presence close by helps improve sleep quality. This could be because of better health, more normalized routines, and better financial security.

    Increased Sense of Companionship and Happiness

    We can feel connected and happy without being married, like when dating. However, married couples share the highest form of intimacy and companionship a person can share with someone.

    happy couple cooking together in kitchen

    Photo credit: ©GettyImages/South_agency

    Improved Health and Lifestyle

    There is a silent contract in marriages of understanding and compromise. This means compromising on certain habits that can affect your partner, like not smoking, so they aren’t inhaling your smoke or quitting fast food so as not to tempt your partner on their diet. It’s about focusing on the positive, like eating more home-cooked meals, exercising together, and doing other things to improve your health and lifestyle. Married people also have lower rates of drug and alcohol abuse.

    Less Stress and Depression

    Marriage is associated with a lower rate of symptoms of stress and depression. This is because married couples have more emotional support and readily available advice from friends, family, and professionals. Couples also share responsibilities in marriage, which can lead to emotional fulfillment and take away the stress compared to someone who lives alone.

    An Ideal Environment to Raise Children In

    Marriage gives couples the stability and confidence to raise children together. Children are most influenced by their parents, and those who come from married households have better social skills, academic performance, and overall development compared to those from divorced or unmarried-parent households. As a former daycare teacher, I can attest to how desperately children need to be in a household with a healthy marriage. I have seen so many angry, broken, and broken-hearted kids from divorced and single-parent households. Kids need stability in every area of their lives, especially at home.

    Positive Lifestyle Changes

    Over time, married people take on each other’s habits and mannerisms. One of you could be a spender, the other a saver, or one of you could lead a less active lifestyle while the other is very active. These opposite scenarios can lead to positive changes down the line.

    Physical Security

    Knowing that you have someone with whom to share life and responsibilities gives an extra layer of physical security.

    More Social Capital

    Both parties in a marriage benefit from social capital, meaning more access to social and cultural resources, better integration into communities, and improved social interactions.

    Prestige and Pride

    When couples get married, they have a sense of pride that reflects society’s perception of them and how society treats them. This also includes tangible benefits like club memberships, invitations to social events, etc.

    No Gift Tax

    Certain monetary gifts are subject to the gift tax. However, married people are exempt from tax regardless of the amount, as long as both are citizens of the country.

    No Estate Tax

    Individuals deal with estate tax after they pass away. If the money or assets left to someone in a will exceed a certain amount, estate tax comes into play. However, with married couples, one can leave as much money as they want to their spouse.

    Happy couple husband and wife planning

    Photo credit: ©GettyImages/Ippei Naoi

    Joint Accounts

    Opening a joint account with a spouse is a great way for both parties to stay on top of things financially. Both parties being able to see what’s in the account and having monthly finance meetings helps stop conflicts in their tracks and is a great way to build trust and loyalty with your spouse.

    Combined Credit Score

    Married couples can be eligible for more lucrative loans based on their combined credit score. This is especially helpful for those who have very low credit scores.

    Advantages in Mortgages

    When both people in a marriage work, pay their bills on time, and have a decent credit score, they have access to better mortgage deals than if they were to apply for a mortgage individually. Mortgage lenders prefer married couples because they are more apt to pay their entire mortgage.

    Social Security Payouts

    When a spouse passes away, the surviving spouse receives entitlement to survivor benefits. This is common in blue-collar jobs and the military. Besides death, a spouse can avail social security payouts in other circumstances, such as if one spouse becomes disabled (especially if it’s job-related) or cannot work because of serious health issues.

    Health Insurance

    Married couples typically get a plan to cover the whole family. In the meantime, one can list their spouse as a dependent.

    Low Rent and Cost of Living

    This is a given, but being married drastically cuts expenses compared to each of you living on your own.

    Emergency Room Benefits

    If your partner is involved in a serious accident or critical medical emergency, you will not be allowed to ride in the ambulance or be present in the emergency room or ICU. If you are a spouse, then you would have these privileges.

    Right to Sue Someone on the Deceased’s Behalf

    If your spouse is involved in a willful wrongdoing, you can sue the person or entity for wrongful death. Scenarios like this usually happen in blue-collar jobs or jobs that require intense physical involvement and risks.

    Last Rites and Funeral Arrangements

    Unless stated in their spouse’s will and testament, the spouse has complete authority to plan funeral arrangements. This includes whether to cremate or bury, and, in certain cases, spouses can sign off on things like organ and retina donation.

    Family Leave

    Married couples have the benefit of being eligible for different leave, including parental leave, caretaker leave of a sick spouse, and bereavement leave for the passing of a family member.

    couple moving in, living together before marriage

    Photo credit: © Getty Images/jacoblund

    Approval in the Eyes of God

    This is the most important benefit of all, being approved in the eyes of God. He instituted marriage as the only way to cohabitate as a couple for specific reasons and to help protect his children.

    Having a Prenup

    Agreeing to a prenup and formalizing it later is a great way for couples to guarantee a fair and judicial division of assets if they get divorced.

    A Solid Foundation

    You and your partner got married because you love each other and have built your relationship on the most solid foundation you can have: God. There is something there that binds you together compared to domestic relationships, which have less foundation and security.

    A Solid Support System

    Married couples have a more stable support system, including parents, brothers and sisters, and in-laws to help during difficult and stressful situations.

    Being a Christian couple in this day and age can be very difficult, with all the conflicting opinions on what is right and wrong out there. It’s very easy to get pressured by friends to go the simple route and do what everyone else is doing. Even our churches don’t always preach what is right, sometimes bending the truth as they see fit. It’s a scary and confusing time for Christian couples. The bottom line is, God gave us marriage and all the benefits of it for a reason. It’s protecting us emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually.

    People wonder why they are so confused with love, when our society has twisted love and intimacy into a casual, cheap thing. Our society has turned something wonderful, like marriage, into something horrible and stifling. Marriage has so many benefits over domestic partnerships that it’s worth it for people to take a second look, read their Bibles, and see marriage as God intended it to be.

    Photo Credit: ©iStock/Getty Images Plus/fizkes

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    Carrie Lowrance

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  • How to Tell a Married Man to Back Off

    How to Tell a Married Man to Back Off

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    Disclaimer: This isn’t therapy, and Dr. Audrey’s advice is for the general audience, meaning it may not always work for everyone. 

    I have a question. It’s about confronting a married man . . . who is hitting on my wife a lot . . . the man told my wife (“Jennifer”) to keep his texts to her a secret.

    We attend the same church, and we are neighbors. The wives are friends with each other.

    I know both well, and we have hung out a lot in the past.

    The married man has suggested he was attracted to Jennifer. He told her he had a dream about her and she asked him “to be alone with her.” Perhaps he wants to justify his desire for her by imagining there’s something wrong between Jennifer and me. So he keeps asking her if she’s OK and has asked several times to go on walks around the neighborhood by themselves.

    This is what I was thinking of sending the gentleman:
    ”Jennifer mentioned to me more than once that you’ve been reaching out to her a lot and asking her to go on walks. I do appreciate that. But I think you might need to know more information about some of the things she’s experienced and her family of origin if you really want to help her. Maybe you and I can talk? And if you’re still concerned, then come over and bring your wife with you too and we can talk.” – N

    Thank you for reaching out to me. I’m sorry about the turmoil this other man has caused. 

    He might as well have waved a flaming red flag when he insisted to Jennifer she should keep his texts a secret from you, her own husband. An obsession with secrecy signals the fact that this man knew his behavior was wrong but plowed on anyway.

    I’m glad your wife confided in you about what has been going on. Score one for the unity of your marriage!

    But since you sent me the note you composed for him, let’s focus on it.

    Your words show how thoughtful you are about the entire situation. The tone you employed conveys your desire to maintain an amicable relationship with him. 

    Understandable—since the four of you are neighbors, friends, and attend the same church. 

    However, there are a couple of problems I foresee if you send the note as is. 

    Married Man, Walking with Your Wife?

    Let’s start with him asking your wife out on walks.

    If this man has been hitting on your bride, is it wise to unlock your front door and allow him to pick her up before he proceeds to stroll by her side? This behavior might fit what the Bible describes as little foxes spoiling the vines (Song of Solomon 2:15). 

    What may seem to be little, innocent things—nothing to see here, just a couple of friends sauntering the neighborhood together—can eventually demolish not one, but two, marriages. 

    Let me explain. 

    Here comes a married man who wishes to spend alone time with your wife, with the possibility of him pouring out even more of his feelings and other personal matters to her. This setup can lead Jennifer to feel obligated to do likewise and open her heart up to him. 

    That’s just human nature. We tend to mirror the behavior we see in each other.

    Besides that, it’s also natural for things to progress. A mutual sharing of feelings will eventually draw them closer to each other. In time, what began as sharing emotional intimacy can morph into other kinds of intimacy, including the physical and sexual kind. Full-blown affairs often began when two individuals confided their hearts in each other.

    God forbid things will ever go that far with your wife and this man!

    Even so, it’s unwise to let anyone else develop emotional intimacy with you—or, in this case, Jennifer. Being too emotionally intimate with anyone other than your spouse may drive a wedge into your marriage.

    Which brings me to the second problem with the note you’re proposing.

    Action Steps

    By attempting to talk to your wife without your consent (since he asked her to keep their texts from you), he’s disrespecting two people: you as Jennifer’s husband, as well as his own wife. Yet helping your wife—whether in person, through text messages, or anything else—is your responsibility. Not his.

    If Jennifer needs something, especially of an emotional nature, she can turn to you, the church, or female friends—like this guy’s wife. There’s no reason he should spend private time with your wife or repeatedly inquire if she’s okay when his wife can do the same thing.

    And even if there are problems in your marriage—a big “if”—it still doesn’t give license for this man to console your wife. 

    So, where do we go from here?

    Here are some ideas. Please pray over these recommendations with Jennifer first before communicating anything to this man. The Bible says, “One can be overpowered, but two together can put up resistance. A three-ply cord doesn’t easily snap” (Ecclesiastes 4:12, CEB). If you and Jennifer are on the same page about conveying a firm “no” to this man, your unified resistance sends a strong message to the person to back off. 

    1. No Room for an Affair

    Let him know, in no uncertain terms, how his desire for your wife is not welcome—not by her, and certainly not by you. 

    2. No Room for Secrets

    You might need to confront him directly, with you explaining how inappropriate it is for him to isolate you from your own wife. In contrast, it’s not wrong for Jennifer to tell you what this guy has been up to. You and she are one flesh (Mark 10:7-8). Whenever he tells Jennifer something, in essence, he’s also telling you the same.

    Making no room for secrets might also mean making it clear to him how he has zero private access to your wife, including through digital means. Let’s restrict all communications through group texts only. No personal voice mail. No direct messaging on social media. No clandestine emails. And, a most definite no to the two of them spending time in person without you or the man’s wife. Anything he needs to tell Jennifer, he can include you (and his wife) in the loop.

    3. Make Room to Help

    If this man is attracted to another man’s wife, one thing is clear: His marriage is in trouble.

    Which means it’s time for outside help. There are mental health professionals who are trained to help married couples. For instance, Focus on the Family runs a list of Christian therapists who are qualified for the job. 

    By you recommending this resource or pastoral counseling to him, you’re communicating two things at once: the importance of his own marriage, and your interest in helping him walk out the process. 

    Aftermath 

    I can understand if the following question pops up after reading the above:

    What if this frank discussion jeopardizes the friendship between your two families?

    Certainly, there is no need to confront him huffing and puffing. Put up firm boundaries with this man, but speak the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15). Having said that, if your words provoke him to scowl and raise a big stink, that’s too bad—but still, the sanctity of your marriage comes first. Jesus taught us as much: “A man shall leave his father and mother and shall be joined inseparably to his wife” (Matthew 19:5, AMP). 

    If you left behind everyone, including the two people who conceived you, in favor of Jennifer, who is this guy to wedge himself in the middle of your sacred union with her? 

    Besides, if you and Jennifer convey a clear message that neither of you is interested in her carrying out a secret relationship with this man, you’re exemplifying a righteous fight for your godly marriage. Your stance speaks volumes.

    Hopefully, it will inspire him to fight for his own.

    All the best to you and Jennifer!

    Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/Fizkes

    Audrey Davidheiser, PhD is a California licensed psychologist, certified Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapist, and IFSI-approved clinical consultant. After founding and directing a counseling center for the Los Angeles Dream Center, she now devotes her practice to survivors of trauma—including spiritual abuse. If you need her advice, visit her on www.aimforbreakthrough.com and Instagram @DrAudreyD.

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    Dr. Audrey Davidheiser

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  • Is There Any Way to Repair a Broken Relationship?

    Is There Any Way to Repair a Broken Relationship?

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    Broken relationships are hard to manage. After a relationship has ended, it can be nearly impossible to repair. Many relationships might never be fully repaired, but complete healing is possible for others. It can take time and hard work, but if we really want to restore a relationship, we will put in the effort. We can see the greatest broken relationship repaired through the Lord coming down from Heaven to save us from our sins, redeem us, and repair our broken relationship with Him.

    A Repaired Relationship with God

    God repaired our broken relationship with Him by sending His Son to die for our sins. Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating the forbidden fruit, and sin came into the world. Ever since this time, humankind’s relationship with God has been broken. It is not repaired unless a person places faith in Jesus by believing He died for their sins, was buried, and rose again (1 Corinthians 15:1-4). The way to a repaired relationship with Jesus has been opened by Jesus dying for our sins, but it is up to us as individuals to accept it.

    The Lord went to great lengths to repair our relationship with the Father. Jesus is God Himself, the second member of the Trinity. This tells us God Himself left Heaven in order to save us from our sins and fix the relationship that we broke in the first place. As we can see, Jesus loves us deeply. He would not have gone to such extreme measures unless He truly wanted to repair our relationship with the Father.

    If you have not placed faith in Jesus yet, you have a broken relationship with Him. Unless you place faith in Him and accept Him as your Savior and Lord, you will continue to be separated from Him. While the decision is ultimately up to you, it is the most important decision you will make in your entire life. Many of us think picking out a college or career path is the most critical decision we will ever make, but this is not true. The most important decision you will ever make is if you choose to place faith in Jesus or not.

    Choosing your college or career path is important, but they do not impact your eternity. The only thing that affects your eternity is whether or not you placed faith in Jesus. The world tries to trick us into thinking other things are more important, but this is a tactic of Satan. Instead of always focusing on the present, try to look forward. Think about eternity and reflect on the truth that your fate is in your hands. Jesus came down from Heaven to repair our broken relationship with the Father, but it is up to us to accept this gift.

    Repairing Relationships with Others

    When talking about broken relationships, it is also essential to discuss the topic of repairing relationships with others. Maybe you and a friend had a falling out, you and your significant other are going through a hard time, or you are having family issues. Any of these things is enough to cause you pain, stress, and anxiety. Instead of ignoring the issue, try to address it. If you want to repair the relationship, it means you care about the person and are willing to put in effort to be close with each other again.

    If you have a broken relationship with a friend, discuss it with them. Don’t text them because that will give them an easy way just to ignore you. Call them, and if they don’t answer, leave a voicemail. If possible, schedule a time to meet in person and talk about what went wrong in the friendship. If you did something wrong, apologize and mean it. If you are giving a fake apology, your friend will be able to tell, which will only worsen things.

    Talk things out and truly listen to their side of the situation. It could be you did something to hurt them. Give them a chance to share their feelings, and do not pass judgment on them. If you really want to repair a relationship with a loved one, you will make the effort and take the incentive to do hard things. The same is true for a broken relationship with a significant other or a family member. Talk with them, allow them to express their feelings, and take the time to put in the effort.

    Your relationship might not be fixed overnight, but with time, effort, and energy, the relationship could be stronger than ever in the future. There is also the chance that the individual you are trying to fix things with will not want to see or talk to you. If this is true for you, respect their decision. Give them time, and don’t push them. They will let you know if they want to talk with you in the future.

    Working on a Relationship with Yourself

    Lastly, it is also important to work on a relationship with yourself. It could be you have a negative view of yourself or you are consumed with self-hate. This is not a healthy relationship with yourself. You should not hate yourself or have a bad view of yourself. God created you wonderfully and beautifully (Psalm 139:13-16).

    If you have a bad relationship with yourself, now is the perfect time to work on fostering a better view of yourself. Our relationships with ourselves can be one of the hardest ones we will encounter because most of us are not very nice to ourselves. Instead of being kind to ourselves, as we would to a friend, we tear down ourselves and say mean things to ourselves. This is something we have to stop doing if we are going to start having a better relationship with ourselves.

    Having a bad relationship with ourselves can manifest in mental health issues and physical health issues. Instead of allowing your mental health or physical health to take a hit, try to start working on your relationship with yourself today. Start being kinder to yourself and catch yourself before you say something mean to yourself. We tend to be our own worst critic, but we will have to let go of this if we are going to heal our relationship with ourselves.

    Many people might view this as cliche; however, it is very important to cultivate a healthy view and a healthy relationship with yourself. As mentioned, if you continue to be mean to yourself and say hurtful things to yourself, it will start impacting your actions. Thoughts such as “I’m not good enough,” “I’m not pretty enough,” and “I’m too (fill in the blank)” will only leave you feeling terrible.

    These thoughts will lead you to action in the attempt to make these thoughts go away. If you have a bad relationship with yourself, no matter what you do, you will still think poorly of yourself. The problem is not with you, your body, your appearance, or your personality. The problem is the bad thoughts that you are feeding into. Choose to talk back to them and replace them with what God says.

    It will take time and effort, just like any other relationship, but it is worth it. You will always be you, which is why having a healthy relationship with yourself is important. Choosing to work on improving your relationship with yourself will benefit you in every area of life. You might even find that your relationship with God and others improves when you start working on having a better relationship with yourself.

    Photo credit: ©GettyImages/milan2099

    Vivian Bricker loves Jesus, studying the Word of God, and helping others in their walk with Christ. She has earned a Bachelor of Arts and Master’s degree in Christian Ministry with a deep academic emphasis in theology. Her favorite things to do are spending time with her family and friends, reading, and spending time outside. When she is not writing, she is embarking on other adventures.

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    Vivian Bricker

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  • What Is the Biblical Way to Avoid Fake Friendship?

    What Is the Biblical Way to Avoid Fake Friendship?

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    The pain of losing a dear friend is unbearable, but after being stabbed in the back by a trusted confidant, choosing a friend becomes more cautious. What are some biblical directives for avoiding being or making fake, self-absorbed friends?

    King David knew about fake friends. When his son, Absalom, rebelled in an attempt to usurp the throne, David’s highly regarded counselor and advisor, Ahithophel, sided with Absalom. David’s Psalm 55:12-14 reflects the hurt. “If an enemy were insulting me, I could endure it; if a foe were rising against me, I could hide. But it is you, a man like myself, my companion, my close friend, with whom I once enjoyed sweet fellowship at the house of God as we walked about among the worshipers.”

    Another heart-wrenching betrayal is that of Judas Iscariot, once among Jesus’s disciples and closest friends. For a mere 30 pieces of silver, he facilitated Jesus’s arrest, identifying him to the authorities with a deceitful kiss. 

    Even amidst betrayal and deceit—acknowledging our imperfections—forging genuine friendships offers invaluable qualities like love, loyalty, stability, and wisdom. Despite our inevitable mistakes, lapses in judgment, and regrettable words, true friends accept us with all our flaws. Cultivating such meaningful connections demands patience, dedication, and unwavering commitment.

    Jesus painted a picture of friendship. Of the twelve He chose, one betrayed Him, and another failed Him. Though Peter denied knowing Jesus the night of His arrest, Jesus saw past that failure to Peter’s true heart. “Wounds from a friend can be trusted,” unlike the latter part of the same verse that depicts Judas, “but an enemy multiplies kisses” (Proverbs 27:6). Peter messed up.  Still, he repented, and Jesus restored him because. “Love covers over a multitude of sins” (Proverbs 10:12). 

    Jesus exemplifies the essence of true friendship. In John 15:13, he declares, “Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends,” embodying selfless sacrifice, unwavering support, forgiveness, wise counsel, and the sharing of values and faith. He goes on to affirm the depth of friendship in John 15:15, stating, “I no longer call you servants … Instead, I have called you friends, for everything I learned from my Father I have made known to you.” Friendship, therefore, mirrors the boundless love and eternal values of God.

    Jesus sets a high standard for friendship. Emulating His love is achievable when we choose to love others as He loves us—the second greatest commandment (Matthew 22:39). How can we do that? First of all, we recognize we are humans and fall sometimes. We pick each other up. We forgive. We have each other’s back. We treat our friends like we would like to be treated – with understanding, not holding onto a past mistake to use as a weapon later. The golden rule in Luke 6:31 really does apply: “Do to others as you would have them do to you.”

    The best friendships do their best to fulfill Jesus’ mandate: “As I have loved you, so you must love one another.” – John 13:34

    True friends emulate God’s love.

    Authentic friends do their best to exhibit the traits of 1 Corinthians 13.

    “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.8 Love never fails.”

    Consider the story of Julie and Emma. Julie and Emma have been friends since high school and have worked through their differences. However, lately, Emma tends to hold onto past grievances and brings them up whenever they disagree. When Julie was stuck in traffic and arrived 15 minutes late to their planned lunch, Emma brought up Julie’s forgetting her birthday two years ago. She accused her of being inconsiderate and unreliable. Although Julie sincerely apologizes, Emma dwells on instances where Julie let her down. Whenever Julie makes a mistake or does something to upset Emma, Emma quickly reminds her of every misstep, making Julie feel guilty and defensive. This constant dredging of past wrongs creates a toxic atmosphere in their friendship, preventing them from moving forward and resolving conflicts healthily.

    Despite Julie’s efforts to improve and make amends, she feels like she’s walking on eggshells around Emma, afraid of triggering another barrage of past grievances. Eventually, Julie begins questioning whether this friendship is worth its emotional toll on her. Genuine friendship is built on forgiveness, understanding, and letting go of past mistakes. Unlike a fake friend,

    Authentic friends exhibit good character. 

    We are to guard against being or having a friend who is easily angered, unwise, or self-seeking.   Wise and righteous besties lead to personal growth and wisdom (Proverbs 13:20), unlike hot-tempered people with negative behaviors whom we should guard against (Proverbs 22:24-25). 

    “Bad company corrupts good character.” – 1 Corinthians 15:33

    Good friends are well-informed and learning. 

    “Walk with the wise and become wise, for a companion of fools suffers harm.” Proverbs 13:20

    Becoming a better person is part of sharing a sweet friendship as we help one another be accountable to spiritual disciplines and move closer to Jesus. 

    Genuine friends listen and care. 

    Dale Carnegie’s book How to Win Friends and Influence People, one of the best-selling books of all time, says, “You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.” When the conversation isn’t one-sided, listening and caring lend support.

    True friends accept you. 

    One of the first bonds of friendship is finding someone who shares similar values, which draws us to one another. C.S. Lewis says, “Friendship is born at the moment when one man says to another, “What! You Too: I thought I was the only one!” 

    A true friend rejoices over your success. 

    Good friends support us in hard times and success. Oscar Wilde said, “Anybody can sympathize with the sufferings of a friend, but it requires a very fine nature to sympathize with a friend’s success.” Proverbs 3 encourages us that wisdom bestows well-being. “Let love and faithfulness never leave you…then you will win favor and a good name in the sight of God and man.” (3:3-4). 

    Genuine friendships endure. 

    For decades, even before the arrival of our children, a cherished couple has been priceless companions in our lives, particularly during our most challenging moments. Despite the physical distance that now separates us, the bonds we forged through shared family vacations, meals, prayers, laughter, and tears have left indelible marks on our hearts. Though miles may divide us, the enduring seeds of friendship sown over the years keep us connected as invaluable treasures to one another.

    Ruth Graham said that when we haven’t seen a dear friend for a while, or even years, it’s like a good book: You pick up where you left off, and a new chapter begins.

    Love never fails. 

    True friendship has consistent support and trust. Love always “protects, trusts, hopes, and perseveres (1 Corinthians 13:7). And that kind of love doesn’t keep a record of wrongs. Such friends refrain from a “me-first” mentality with selfish motives. Anger is quickly dealt with in a forgiving way that holds no grudges. 

    Is there biblical wisdom to guide us away from fake friendships? 

    Yes, indeed. The key lies in embracing the biblical principle: “Lay down your life for your friends,” carried out through the practical application of 1 Corinthians 13:4-8.  True friends emulate God’s love, possess healthy character, offer acceptance, attentive listening, and unwavering support. They celebrate your victories, offer sound counsel, and stand by you through life’s trials. Thomas Aquinas said, “There is nothing on this earth more to be prized than true friendship,” one of life’s sweetest merits, both in the present and eternally.

    Photo Credit: Prostock-studio/Konstantin Postumitenko via Canva Pro

    Judy McEachran loves to worship the Author of life and love. She is an ordained pastor and gifted musician who writes and speaks to encourage believers. She pastored churches in the Midwest and after retirement moved to Arizona. She is humbled not only by the gracious love of God but by her devoted husband, two sons, and ten grandchildren. You can visit her website at God Secrets that Impart Life. Find her music on YouTube. Judy’s natural musical giftings invite worshippers into the presence of the Lord.

    This article originally appeared on Christianity.com. For more faith-building resources, visit

    Christianity.com. Christianity.com

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    Judy McEachran

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  • 31 Days of Comforting Promises for Widowers Straight from Scripture

    31 Days of Comforting Promises for Widowers Straight from Scripture

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    When my wife, Amy, passed away after a 13-month, no-holds-barred battle with cancer, I thought I was ready.

    I wasn’t ready. Honestly, I’m still not ready, but I have found comfort each day in God’s promises of old. May I share a few of those with you now?

    Here are 31 days of God’s ironclad promises for widowers; I pray they help your soul as they have strengthened mine.

    Day 1

    God’s Promise:

    “I know the Lord is always with me. I will not be shaken, for he is right beside me.”—Psalm 16:8 NLT

    Praying God’s Promise:

    Lord Jesus, my mind knows you’re with me today. Please help my heart to know it as well. (I struggle with that sometimes.) Amen.

    Day 2

    God’s Promise:

    “I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord In the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; Be strong and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the Lord.”—Psalm 27:13-14 NASB

    Praying God’s Promise:

    Oh, Father! I will despair unless your goodness visits me here in the land of the living. Please be good to me today—all day. Amen.

    Day 3

    God’s Promise:

    “Have mercy on me, Lord, for I am in distress. Tears blur my eyes. My body and soul are withering away. I am dying from grief; my years are shortened by sadness. Sin has drained my strength; I am wasting away from within.”—Psalm 31:9-10 NLT

    Praying God’s Promise:

    Have mercy, Jesus. Have mercy on my soul today. Please have mercy. Amen.

    Day 4

    God’s Promise:

    “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed. The righteous person faces many troubles, but the Lord comes to the rescue each time.”—Psalm 34:18-19 NET Bible

    Praying God’s Promise:

    Holy Spirit, it must be obvious to you that I’m brokenhearted. It’s not so obvious to me that you’ll come to my rescue. Will you show me that today, please? Amen.

    Day 5

    God’s Promise:

    “Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me. Cast me not away from your presence, and take not your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and uphold me with a willing spirit.”—Psalm 51:10-12 ESV

    Praying God’s Promise:

    O God! Today, in me, please: Create. Renew. Keep. Restore. Uphold. I trust in you, Amen.

    Day 6

    God’s Promise:

    “Whenever I am afraid, I will trust in You. In God I will praise His word, In God I have put my trust; I will not fear. What can flesh do to me?”—Psalm 56:3-4 NKJV

    Praying God’s Promise:

    Jesus, I didn’t expect that losing my wife would make me feel afraid, but I’m so scared. Help me to trust in you and not to fear today. Please. Amen.

    Day 7

    God’s Promise:

    “You number my wanderings; Put my tears into Your bottle; Are they not in Your book?”—Psalm 56:8 NKJV

    Praying God’s Promise:

    How funny, Father, that you’d collect my tears in your bottle! But also very kind. Thank you for remembering my sorrow today. Amen.

    Day 8

    God’s Promise:

    “Oh, I must find rest in God only, because my hope comes from him! Only God is my rock and my salvation—my stronghold!—I will not be shaken. My deliverance and glory depend on God. God is my strong rock. My refuge is in God.”—Psalm 62:5-7 CEB

    Praying God’s Promise:

    Dear God, my soul struggles to rest; my heart longs to hope again. Today, in some small way, would you show me how to hope and rest? Amen.

    Day 9

    God’s Promise:

    “He will shelter you with his wings; you will find safety under his wings. His faithfulness is like a shield or a protective wall. You need not fear the terrors of the night…”—Psalm 91:4-5 NET Bible

    Praying God’s Promise:

    Holy Spirit, it’s so hard to face the night without her near me anymore. So hard. When I close my eyes tonight, please let me feel the shelter of your wings. Amen.

    Day 10

    God’s Promise:

    “I love the Lord because he hears my voice and my prayer for mercy. Because he bends down to listen, I will pray as long as I have breath!”—Psalm 116:1-2

    Praying God’s Promise:

    Dear Jesus, dear, dear Jesus. As long as I have breath, remind me that you bend down to listen! I need you today, so thank you for being near. Amen.

    Day 11

    God’s Promise:

    “Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of his faithful servants.”—Psalm 116:15 NIV

    Praying God’s Promise:

    Ah, Father. Her death was precious to me, too. Thank you for sharing that with me today. Amen.

    Day 12

    God’s Promise:

    “My soul melts from heaviness; Strengthen me according to Your word.”—Psalm 119:28 NKJV

    Praying God’s Promise:

    What else can I say, today, Lord? My soul also melts from heaviness. Please strengthen me according to your promises. Amen.

    Day 13

    God’s Promise:

    “Those who sow in tears, Shall reap in joy. He who continually goes forth weeping, Bearing seed for sowing, Shall doubtless come again with rejoicing, Bringing his sheaves with him.”—Psalm 126:5-6 NKJV

    Praying God’s Promise:

    Well, God, here are my tears! Now it’s up to you. How about we reap joy—at least a little bit—sometime today? Amen.

    Day 14

    God’s Promise:

    “Let me hear of your unfailing love each morning, for I am trusting you. Show me where to walk, for I give myself to you.”—Psalm 143:8 NLT

    Praying God’s Promise:

    Precious Jesus, I am trusting you today. Oh, Lord Jesus, I give myself to you today. Amen. Amen.

    Day 15

    God’s Promise:

    “The Lord helps the fallen and lifts those bent beneath their loads…The Lord is close to all who call on him, yes, to all who call on him in truth.”—Psalm 145:14, 18 NLT

    Praying God’s Promise:

    Lord of all, I’m calling on you now; I feel so bent beneath this sorrow. Will you help and lift it? Will you be close today? I can’t wait to find out. Amen.

    Day 16

    God’s Promise:

    “Be careful what you think, because your thoughts run your life.”—Proverbs 4:23 NCV

    Praying God’s Promise:

    All right, God, I get it. This is a good reminder because my thoughts so often go to anger and despair. Today, help me turn my thoughts to you and to hope instead. Amen.

    Day 17

    God’s Promise:

    “He gives power to the weak, And to those who have no might He increases strength.”—Isaiah 40:29 NKJV

    Praying God’s Promise:

    Power to the weak? Oh, how I need that, Holy Spirit! I am so weak. So weak. If you’re giving power today, I’ll take as much as you want to hand out. Thank you. Amen.

    Day 18

    God’s Promise:

    “He was despised and rejected—a man of sorrows, acquainted with deepest grief. We turned our backs on him and looked the other way. He was despised, and we did not care. Yet it was our weaknesses he carried; it was our sorrows that weighed him down…”—Isaiah 53:3-4 NLT

    Praying God’s Promise:

    Jesus, I do so quickly forget that you know—intimately—what I’m going through. Sigh. Lord, I’m sorry for your sorrow. Yet, I am also thankful you know it and me so well. Amen.

    Day 19

    God’s Promise:

    “Good people pass away; the godly often die before their time. But no one seems to care or wonder why. No one seems to understand that God is protecting them from the evil to come. For those who follow godly paths will rest in peace when they die.”—Isaiah 57:1-2 NLT

    Praying God’s Promise:

    Father, I don’t know why my wife passed away before I did, but I trust that you are giving her peace to rest. Please give me a measure of that peace today, too. Amen.

    Day 20

    God’s Promise:

    “For no one is abandoned by the Lord forever. Though he brings grief, he also shows compassion because of the greatness of his unfailing love. For he does not enjoy hurting people or causing them sorrow.”—Lamentations 3:31-33 NLT

    Praying God’s Promise:

    Lord, I struggle with the idea that you might’ve brought me this grief. It’s heartbreaking! But I still long for your compassion and unfailing love today. Help me to see that, please. Amen.

    Day 21

    God’s Promise:

    “The Lord is good, a refuge in times of trouble. He cares for those who trust in him”—Nahum 1:7 NIV

    Praying God’s Promise:

    Lord God, you are good. Even lost in grief, I still know that’s true. Today, will you be my refuge? Help me experience your care, for I trust in you. Amen.

    Day 22

    God’s Promise:

    “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.”—Matthew 5:4 NET Bible

    Praying God’s Promise:

    Jesus, so often lately, this promise feels untrue for me. How about if you and I work together today, so I can testify that it is true—regardless of how I feel right now? Amen.

    Day 23

    God’s Promise:

    “Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.”—Matthew 11:28-29 NKJV

    Praying God’s Promise:

    Ah, Jesus. Here I am. I’ve come to you, hands open to receive. Give rest to my soul today, please. I’ve been waiting for that. Amen.

    Day 24

    God’s Promise:

    “In the same way the Spirit also joins to help in our weakness, because we do not know what to pray for as we should, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with unspoken groanings.”—Romans 8:26 HCSB

    Praying God’s Promise:

    Holy Spirit, I have no words today, so I’m just going to cry for a while. Please intercede for me now. Amen.

    Day 25

    God’s Promise:

    “For I am persuaded that not even death or life, angels or rulers, things present or things to come, hostile powers, height or depth, or any other created thing will have the power to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord!”—Romans 8:38-39 HCSB

    Praying God’s Promise:

    Wow. Not even death? You are impressive, Christ Jesus. Please grant my heart nearness to your love today when I feel so, so alone. Amen.

    Day 26

    God’s Promise:

    “But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.”—2 Corinthians 12:9 NIV

    Praying God’s Promise:

    Lord, we both know how weak I am, lost in this half-life of sorrow. So now, will you make your power rest on me? I could use that today. Thank you. Amen.

    Day 27

    God’s Promise:

    “Christ himself is our peace.”—Ephesians 2:14 NCV

    Praying God’s Promise:

    Ah, Jesus. Draw my soul near to your presence today. I love that you are my peace. Thank you. Amen.

    Day 28

    God’s Promise:

    “I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit. Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong.”—Ephesians 3:16-17 NLT

    Praying God’s Promise:

    Limitless Father, today I ask this from you: Inner strength through your Spirit. Christ at home in my heart. My soul rooted in your love to keep me strong. Amen.

    Day 29

    God’s Promise:

    “And now, dear brothers and sisters, we want you to know what will happen to the believers who have died so you will not grieve like people who have no hope. For since we believe that Jesus died and was raised to life again, we also believe that when Jesus returns, God will bring back with him the believers who have died…So encourage each other with these words.”—1 Thessalonians 4:13-14, 18 NLT

    Praying God’s Promise:

    Thank you, Lord, for this encouragement. Please help me today. I don’t want to grieve without hope! Thank you for caring. Amen.

    Day 30

    God’s Promise:

    “God has said, ’Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.’”—Hebrews 13:5

    Praying God’s Promise:

    God, I know that I’m not great company sometimes- especially lately. Thank you for sticking around today, anyway. Love you. Amen.

    Day 31

    God’s Promise:

    “He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever…Write this down, for what I tell you is trustworthy and true.”—Revelation 21:4-5 NLT

    Praying God’s Promise:

    Lord, it struck me today that you’ve probably already wiped the tears from my wife’s eyes. Thank you for that. Would you tell her I love her—and I’m looking forward to the day when we both get to experience no more death…or sorrow…or crying…or pain? Amen!

    Related: 3 Things to Remember as a Widower in the Midst of Grief

    Photo credit: ©GettyImages/Goodboy Picture Company

    Mike Nappa is a practical theologian known for writing “coffee-shop theology” and Christian Living books. He’s a bestselling and award-winning author with millions of copies of his works sold worldwide. An Arab-American, Mike is proud to be a person of color (BIPOC) active in Christian publishing. Google Mikey to learn more, or visit MikeNappa.com. Find Mike Nappa’s bestselling book, Reflections for the Grieving Soul wherever books are sold.

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  • Does God Forgive Sex Before Marriage?

    Does God Forgive Sex Before Marriage?

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    My husband and I have the distinct honor and privilege of leading a small group of youth students at our church. It’s truly remarkable to see how they are taking leaps of faith and stepping out in courage to make God’s name known. God is really moving in this up-and-coming generation, and it is truly awe-inspiring!

    Yet, it’s also worth mentioning that these kiddos are the enemy’s prime target. Unfortunately, he is using every tactic possible to manipulate and falsify faith-filled messages that are built on truth and grace. Add to that the current society that is entrenched in so many misconceptions about their identity and the misguided views on sex that confusion is running rampant. The result is that children and teens who have grown up in the church and profess their faith are failing to see the way God truly sees them and the nature of sin.

    Honestly, it’s an easy trap for any of us to fall into, as each generation has their fair share of worldly and sinful struggles. And, while the method may have shifted or changed over the years, the temptations are still strong and sugarcoated, the lies are just as clever, and the bait to sinful choices always lure us in with tempered thoughts that look to push boundaries and find loopholes in God’s law. This is generally when the heavy weight of guilt and shame meets the whispers that state, God will never forgive me.

    Friends, the deceiver is still deceiving! But God is still God, and His very nature exudes love, grace, and mercy. So, when one of those students asked if God forgives sex before marriage, my initial response was a wholehearted, “Yes, of course, He does!” However, I know that there are many layers to this question, and it comes with a heart that may be seeking permission to fall into lust (if there will be forgiveness) or repentance due to guilt that is weighing heavy.

    There is a lot to unpack here, so let’s address this issue, shall we?

    Are All Sins the Same to God?

    First, we must address the question about sin. Are all sins really the same to our God? The simple (and short) answer is yes and no. Yes, because all sin separates us from God (Isaiah 59:2). James 2:10 basically states if one keeps the whole law but stumbles just a bit, they are guilty of breaking all of it. Sounds pretty harsh, right?

    Well, the point that James is driving home here is that all sins matter to God, no matter how big or small they may seem. That means we mustn’t dismiss any sin we commit and confess it to God. However, that said, there are degrees to sin. Proverbs 6:16-19 lays out seven sins the Lord really detests. Pride, lying, murder, evil intent and enjoyment, perjury, and stirring up strife and division.

    While these are all sinful choices and detach us from God, festering hurt, pain, and betrayal in our relationships, it’s not just the sin itself but the nature of our heart that God chooses to see (1 Samuel 16:7, Jeremiah 17:10). If a heart is bent toward deceit and malice, the consequences and punishment will be given by God accordingly (John 3:36), but if the heart is pliable and soft, God grants great mercy and grace (Ezekiel 36:26-28).

    Pertaining to the lustful sin of sexual relations outside of marriage, Jesus addresses this in Mathew 5:27-28, stating that this type of sin manifests in the mind and then grips the heart. Just the sheer fact of looking at another with lustful eyes is committing adultery and can lead to devastating consequences. However, the physical act of committing adultery bears a whole new set of consequences. In Jesus’ day, it was punishable by death. Today, we see how sexual relations outside the confines of a marriage can leave a mark of deep pain and a wake of utter betrayal with shame to follow.

    Jesus is telling us that our thoughts often produce our choices, and sinful thoughts and choices have lasting consequences that affect not just our lives but the lives of others, including those we love. Even more, when we don’t guard our minds and hearts, including how we view sexual relations, it will cause grave consequences and a disheartening distance of separation between us and God.

    God’s Plan Is Best

    While all sin separates us from God, and we understand that there are degrees of sin that can conjure up different levels of consequences and punishments, it’s wise to understand what God really wants when it comes to our sexuality, so we can live accordingly.

    Sex and our sexual identity are part of God’s design for us. We are to enjoy the gift that masculinity and femineity bring into a marriage, and honor God with our bodies (1 Corinthians 7:5). Sex is a beautiful blessing that God offers a man and woman when they proclaim their vows and become one flesh under Him through a covenant (Mark 10:8-9). Apart from that, it goes against God’s plan for us and can cause dissonance and damaging consequences.

    Several passages in the Bible tell us to flee from sexual immorality (1 Corinthians 6:18-20, 1 Thessalonians 4:3-5, Galatians 5:19-20) because God knows that sex outside of a marriage can lead to a misunderstanding of the power and beauty it offers faithful married couples.

    Yet, more and more couples, including Christians, are finding it difficult to wait and may see nothing wrong with entertaining the thought if they have plans to get married one day. However, as mentioned before, impure thoughts are merely playing with fire and can lead couples to carry out actions that can (and will) taint their relationship.

    The truth is when a couple chooses not to wait for marriage and God’s perfect timing, it essentially mocks and cheapens this precious gift. Going beyond God’s boundaries and plan also brings forth its own unique set of consequences. Due to sex being a blessing from God that is to be shared between a husband and a wife, the hormone oxytocin is released to help create a special bond that builds trust and promotes unity. When this is done outside the confines of a marriage, it is proven to have an adverse reaction, generally weakening the bond. Not only that, but the view on sex overall will become distorted and flawed, making the relationship numb to growing spiritually.

    God Is Full of Mercy

    So, where is the hope? Does God truly forgive sex before marriage? Yes! The answer is still a wholehearted “Yes.” While this sin comes with many emotional strings attached and can bear quite a heavy burden, the reality is that once we know where our identity is found, we know where to find our source of hope that leads to redemption!

    Let’s look at the heartfelt (and longest) conversation Jesus had with another person in the gospel of John. A conversation that would have been seen as forbidden, and even unlawful, as Jewish men were not to speak to unknown women, let alone a Samaritan. But that didn’t hinder Jesus from setting up a divine intervention with this woman. A woman seen as an outcast and adulterer by her community. Yet, Jesus was already waiting for her. Ready to meet her in her hurt, pain, and shame (John 4:7-14). In His loving and gentle way, Jesus tells her that her sins may have caused her great harm, leaving her soul desolate and dry, but He is the answer to find healing and hope (John 4:21-16).

    Oh, sweet brother or sister, if you are wrestling with the sin of sexual immorality, Jesus sees you and is waiting for you to come to Him. He is waiting to offer you hope found in the living water that will wash away your sin and cleanse you from all the hurt, shame, and guilt. You are never too far gone for Him to reach you. Soften your heart today and seek repentance, then receive His great gift of mercy.

    Photo credit: iStock/Getty Images Plus/silverkblack

    Alicia Searl is a devotional author, blogger, and speaker that is passionate about pouring out her heart and pointing ladies of all ages back to Jesus. She has an education background and master’s in literacy.  Her favorite people call her Mom, which is why much of her time is spent cheering them on at a softball game or dance class. She is married to her heartthrob (a tall, spiky-haired blond) who can whip up a mean latte. She sips that goodness while writing her heart on a page while her puppy licks her feet. Visit her website at aliciasearl.com and connect with her on Instagram and Facebook.

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  • Is it Ever a Sin to Stay Married?

    Is it Ever a Sin to Stay Married?

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    “God hates divorce.” Every married Christian in the Western hemisphere is familiar with the Malachi 2:16 verse, likely used to respectively warn and encourage any Christian sister or brother pondering the subject of divorce. I believe most of us agree God prefers married people to stay married, and we should do everything possible to maintain the vows to our partner and the Lord. After all, marriage is a sacred act, the foundation for family, and divorce is a universally grievous experience.

    But just as we live in a fallen world full of broken people and a myriad of circumstances beyond our control, sometimes our vows fail us. Sometimes, the one who swore to love and protect us pivots severely in spirit and behavior, instead bringing pain and harm. Sometimes a spouse turns from the Lord completely, or falls so deeply into sin they lose themselves, and their capacity to love. Unforeseen acts like physical abuse, manipulation, and infidelity occur, and we’re left in a pool of unfathomable heartache, staring at a seemingly bottomless chasm between what was promised and what is.

    And aside from all the confusion and difficult questions we’re left struggling with, we’re often left with the uncomfortable, often polarizing question: Should Christians stay married no matter the cost? Is it ever against God’s will to remain in toxic, unhealthy marriages for the sake of keeping our vows? Some say yes. After all, Jesus turned the other cheek, suffered at length, and still loved those nailing him to the cross. And let’s remember, marriage is a sacrifice, not a vacation. Bad marriages may feel unbearable, but life isn’t about our happiness, and God is enough.

    All that sounds biblically-informed enough, but what about when a marriage involves one spouse dishonoring God by harming the other? What does the Bible say about remaining in abusive relationships where behaviors like spiritual manipulation, financial abuse, infidelity, gaslighting, and physical intimidation exist? Can it even be considered a sin to stay married in such sad, extreme cases?

    I believe the best place to begin is by examining God’s heart and purpose for marriage in the first place. In Ephesians 5:22, marriage is compared to the relationship between Christ and the church, teaching that Christian spouses reflect this mystery. As God willed for Christ and the church to become one body (Gal. 3:28, 1 Cor. 12:13), so He desires marriage to reflect this pattern—that the husband and wife become one flesh (Gen. 2:24).

    In the Catholic faith, Christians believe that the sacrament of marriage is a public declaration of commitment to another person and a public statement about God. The loving union of a couple is seen as an example of God’s values and family values.

    So what does God expect of those partaking in the holy sacrament of marriage? Naturally, I could regurgitate that 1 Corinthians 13 verse (love is patient, love is kind) and then, of course, pivot to the Ephesians 5:25 verse instructing husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the church and wives to respect their husbands (Ephesians 5:22). But it really comes to this: the purpose of marriage is to exemplify the love of Christ to our spouse, daily. Not just for our own growth and joy but so that others (our kids, colleagues, neighbors, friends) might see God’s nature and give Him glory. By adopting a lifestyle of self-sacrifice and unconditional love towards our spouse, we both become more like Jesus and, hence, closer to God.

    So when we’re talking about the potential of God desiring the obsoletion of these vows, we’re obviously not talking about leaving a marriage due to bad habits, character flaws, communication issues, loss of attraction, etc. We’re not talking about being “stuck” with a spouse who has proclivities to sin or remains spiritually complacent or “suffering” through extreme seasons of discontentment or discord. That’s just life. These (and so many others) are common challenges that take sacrifice, compromise, selflessness, patience and most likely some decent marriage counseling to work through, with God’s grace. But what about when a spouse begins mistreating the other and is unwilling to change?

    Jesus only names infidelity (Matt. 19:9) as grounds for divorce. Does that mean God expects a spouse to stay married to a physical abuser? What about continued, purposeful verbal attacks? What about an unapologetically intentional habit of a husband or wife acting inappropriately with members of the opposite sex? What would Jesus say to us today if given the chance to counsel his sweet daughter or son living with a spouse who’s willfully and perpetually violating his or her vows with no signs of true repentance? Would he ever consider it a sin to stay married?

    Photo credit: ©Pexels/Alex Green

    I believe the answer becomes clear as day when exploring the meaning of sin in the first place. Sin is anything that separates us from God. It can be foul language, idolatry, lying, pride, lust, etc. When we continue in these behaviors without repenting, the Holy Spirit living in us remains grieved, and we can’t enjoy close communion with Him. But how could something good and ordained by God, like marriage, be a sin? The same way all the other innately good, godly things like sex (when married), food, wine, work, and entertainment are misused every day (by millions) and turned into acts of gluttony, drunkenness, and idolatry.

    I would venture to say some spouses remain in unhealthy, God-dishonoring marriages not out of duty to their vows but out of sin itself. Some would rather raise their children under the roof of a manipulating abuser than endure the “shame” and embarrassment of a divorce, hence making the marriage less of a sacrament and more of an idol or even a mockery that grieves the Lord. Marriage license or not, I believe when a spouse continually engages in any of the malicious, harmful behaviors mentioned above, their vows have already been broken. And by staying married to a destructive spouse – even in the legal sense- we’re not only enabling sinful behavior, we’re perpetuating a degraded, distorted version of God’s design for marriage in the first place. And everyone around us pays the price.

    God certainly does not receive glory when children see their mother transmute into a verbally battered shell of herself by staying with an abusive husband and instituting a sick view of marriage for her children. The beauty of God’s ways is not reflected when friends witness a wife demeaning and brow-beating her husband for years without any sign of regret. The majesty of God’s nature is captivating friends who watch a husband financially manipulate his wife for years to control and possess her.

    Notice that the key denominators here are unwillingness and repentance. The biblical meaning of repentance is turning away from self and to God. It involves a change of mind that leads to action. It’s never okay for a spouse to push another during a fit of anger. It’s never okay for a spouse to demean another to tears with their words. It’s never okay to watch porn or flirt with a co-worker. But I do believe any/all sins can be forgiven and behaviors changed when a spouse experiences true repentance, desires change, and gains trust through proven action.

    In a harmful marriage where the spouse is unwilling or unable to change unhealthy habits, I believe Jesus would say it’s our job to forgive but not reconcile. Because on this side of heaven, there are still consequences, even after forgiveness. Galatians 6:8 says, “Those who live only to satisfy their own sinful desires will harvest the consequences of decay and death. But those who live to please the Spirit will harvest everlasting life from the Spirit.”

    There is a way to forgive an abusive spouse without holding any bitterness in our hearts while choosing to go our separate ways. It’s the same exact concept we see enacted when a Christian pastor commits sexual immorality, adultery, or some other egregious act and is rightly removed from leadership. Should he be forgiven by the Lord, his church, and his victims? Absolutely. But forgiveness does not always equate to restoration. Just as the fallen pastor loses the privilege of shepherding God’s people, so should an abusing spouse lose the privilege of remaining united to any child of God.

    I feel as much as we idolatrize the act of marriage in the Christian life, we also over-villainize divorce to an extent. We make divorce second only to the unpardonable sin. We’ve put divorce on a pedestal of evil, looking down from its throne of doctrinal villainhood upon all the lesser sins, with gluttony, malice, lying, complaining, coveting, envying, stealing, and cheating shouting upward, “At least we didn’t break our oath to Jesus! At least we didn’t break a family up!”

    God always values life over law. It’s why Jesus healed a lame man on the Sabbath despite the Pharisees’ condemnation. Staying married to an unrepented spouse bringing continual harm for the sake of “upholding” a sacrament was never God’s intention. While evil exists in this world, so will divorce, and for some of us, Jesus remains our only true bridegroom. And thankfully, His love never fails, never harms, and always endures.

    Photo credit: ©GettyImages/somethingway

    Jessica Kastner is an award-winning writer and author of Hiding from the Kids in My Prayer Closet. She leads Bible studies within juvenile detention centers with Straight Ahead Ministries and offers unapologetically real encouragement for women at Jessicakastner.com.

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  • Building a Strong Marriage as Christian Parents

    Building a Strong Marriage as Christian Parents

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    A strong marriage is one with deep and abiding love between spouses. Selflessness, giving of oneself, and an unwavering dedication to the happiness and well-being of the other characterize this kind of love. Couples prioritize their relationship above all other human connections and make a conscious effort to nurture and strengthen their bond over time.

    Communication is the lifeblood of any successful relationship, and in a strong marriage, couples prioritize open, honest, and respectful communication. They actively listen to each other, express their thoughts and feelings openly, and work together to resolve conflicts and misunderstandings healthily and constructively.

    In a strong marriage, spouses respect each other’s individuality, opinions, and feelings. They support each other’s goals, dreams, and aspirations, cheering each other on through life’s triumphs and challenges. There is a deep sense of mutual admiration and appreciation for each other’s strengths and contributions to the relationship.

    Couples in a strong marriage also share common values, beliefs, and goals that serve as the foundation for their relationship. They align on important issues such as faith, family, finances, and lifestyle choices and work together towards common objectives. This shared sense of purpose fosters unity and collaboration in the marriage.

    Physical, emotional, and spiritual intimacy are also essential in a strong marriage. Couples prioritize quality time together, nurturing their emotional connection through meaningful conversations, shared experiences, and acts of affection. 

    They prioritize each other’s needs and desires, cultivating a deep and fulfilling bond that sustains them through the ups and downs of life.

    Lastly, for Christian couples, a strong marriage is grounded in a shared faith in God and a commitment to spiritual growth both individually and as a couple. They rely on their faith to guide them through challenges, seek God’s wisdom and guidance in their decisions, and prioritize spiritual practices such as prayer, worship, and studying the Bible together.

    Why You Must Build a Strong Marriage as Christian Parents

    Building a strong marriage as Christian parents isn’t just about personal fulfillment; it’s about laying a firm foundation for the well-being and stability of your entire family. 

    Here’s why it’s so crucial:

    Modeling Healthy Relationships: As parents, we are the primary influencers in our children’s lives. Our marriage serves as a model for their understanding of love, commitment, and relational dynamics. By nurturing a strong and loving marital bond, we provide our children with a blueprint for healthy relationships in their own lives.

    Emotional Security for Children: A strong marriage creates a sense of security and stability for our children. When they witness their parents loving and supporting each other, they feel reassured and confident in their family environment. This emotional security lays the groundwork for their overall well-being and development.

    Effective Parenting: When spouses are united and supportive of each other, they can make decisions together, establish consistent discipline, and provide a nurturing environment for their children to thrive. This unity strengthens the family unit and fosters a sense of cohesion and teamwork.

    Resilience in Times of Crisis: When couples are deeply connected and committed to each other, they can weather storms together, leaning on their faith and each other for strength and guidance. This resilience not only benefits the couple but also sets a powerful example for their children on how to navigate adversity with grace and faith.

    Fulfillment and Joy: A thriving marriage brings fulfillment and joy to our own lives. When we prioritize our relationship with our spouse, invest in communication and connection, and cultivate a loving partnership, we experience a deeper sense of satisfaction and purpose. 

    This fulfillment radiates throughout the family, creating a positive atmosphere of love and happiness.

    Strong Marriage Through Foundation in Faith

    Building a strong marriage on a foundation of faith is like constructing a sturdy house on a solid rock rather than shifting sand. It provides a steadfast anchor in the storms of life and a guiding light in times of darkness. 

    Proverbs 3:5-6 reminds us to trust in the Lord wholeheartedly, surrendering our understanding and relying on His wisdom and guidance. 

    In marriage, trusting in God’s plan for our relationship is paramount. 

    Couples must also prioritize their relationship with God, both individually and as a unit. Individually, each spouse should cultivate their relationship with God through prayer, reading the Bible, and spiritual disciplines. 

    This personal growth strengthens their faith and equips them to contribute positively to the marriage. Additionally, setting aside time for shared spiritual practices such as praying together, attending church services, and studying the Bible as a family fosters unity and spiritual intimacy. 

    By building their marriage on Christ, couples can weather any storm and experience the abundant blessings of a union grounded in faith.

    Strong Marriage Through Communication and Connection

    Proverbs 15:1 says, “A soft answer turneth away wrath, but grievous words stir up anger.” 

    Listening is more than just hearing; it’s about truly understanding and empathizing with your spouse’s thoughts, feelings, and perspective. Practice active listening by giving your full attention, maintaining eye contact, and reflecting on what you’ve heard to ensure understanding.

    By listening attentively without interrupting or rushing to respond, couples demonstrate respect and validation for each other’s experiences and emotions. Emotions are also a natural part of being human, and learning to express them constructively is crucial for healthy communication in marriage. 

    Strive to openly share your feelings, needs, and concerns with your spouse, using “I” statements to express yourself without blaming or accusing your spouse. 

    Remember, conflict is inevitable in any relationship, but how you navigate and resolve conflicts determines the health and longevity of your marriage. Therefore, approach conflicts with humility, patience, and a willingness to seek compromise and understanding. 

    You must understand that conflicts can be opportunities for growth and deep connection when approached with love and respect.

    Amidst the busyness of life, it’s important to prioritize quality time with your spouse to nurture your connection and intimacy. So, schedule regular date nights and engage in activities you both enjoy. 

    Whether going for a walk, cooking together, or simply cuddling on the couch, spending intentional time together strengthens the emotional bond and reinforces the foundation of your relationship.

    Strong Marriage Through Shared Values and Goals

    Aligning on core values and goals as a couple is vital for building a strong and enduring marriage. As Amos 3:3 wisely points out, “Can two walk together, except they be agreed?” This verse underscores the necessity of agreement and harmony in a relationship.

    Firstly, let’s delve into the significance of shared values. 

    In any relationship, including marriage, having shared values forms the foundation upon which trust, respect, and understanding are built. These values encompass beliefs, principles, and priorities that guide your decisions and actions. 

    When spouses share similar values, it creates cohesion and unity within the marriage, fostering a sense of common purpose and direction.

    Also, establishing common goals is essential for couples to progress and thrive. 

    These goals can encompass various aspects of life, including finances, parenting, career aspirations, and personal growth. By openly discussing and setting goals as a couple, you build a sense of partnership and collaboration.

    When it comes to finances, for instance, being transparent and discussing budgeting, saving, and spending habits can prevent conflicts and promote financial stability. Similarly, discussing parenting styles and agreeing on approaches to discipline, education, and family dynamics can strengthen your co-parenting partnership.

    Lastly, by working together towards common goals, you strengthen your bond as a couple and achieve greater fulfillment and success in your endeavors. Whether by pursuing career aspirations, building a family, or contributing to the community, shared goals provide a sense of purpose and unity.

    Strong Marriage Through Prioritizing Each Other

    Ephesians 5:25 provides a profound reminder of the sacrificial love husbands are to demonstrate towards their wives, mirroring Christ’s love for the Church. This verse reveals the importance of prioritizing one’s spouse above all earthly relationships, second only to our relationship with God.

    Prioritizing each other in marriage involves intentional actions and attitudes that demonstrate love, respect, and appreciation on a daily basis. It requires recognizing the value and significance of your spouse in your life and making consistent efforts to nurture and strengthen the marital bond.

    One practical way to prioritize your spouse is through acts of service. This involves actively seeking opportunities to serve and support your partner in their daily life. Whether by helping with household chores, running errands, or offering a listening ear after a long day, acts of service are how you demonstrate love and selflessness.

    Also, note that words of affirmation play a crucial role in building up and encouraging your spouse. Taking the time to express appreciation, admiration, and affection through kind words and affirming gestures can uplift your partner’s spirits and strengthen the emotional connection between you. 

    Simple phrases like “I love you,” “I appreciate you,” and “I’m proud of you” can have a profound impact on your spouse’s sense of worth and belonging within the marriage.

    Physical affection is another important aspect of prioritizing your spouse. Holding hands, hugging, kissing, and other forms of physical touch convey love, warmth, and intimacy in the relationship. 

    Making time for physical affection fosters emotional closeness and strengthens the bond between husband and wife.

    Strong Marriage Through Setting an Example for Children

    One of the most profound ways parents can influence their children is by demonstrating unity, love, and respect within their marriage. Children observe and absorb the dynamics of their parents’ relationship, and a harmonious and loving marriage is a powerful example for them to emulate in their future relationships.

    Parental unity is particularly impactful, as it provides children with a sense of security and stability. When we prioritize our marriage and work together as a team, it creates an environment of trust and emotional safety for children to thrive. They learn the importance of cooperation, compromise, and communication in building strong and lasting relationships.

    Moreover, the love and respect we show each other as a couple lay the foundation for healthy attitudes such as love and selflessness in our children’s lives. When children witness their parents treating each other with kindness, empathy, and affection, they internalize these values and carry them into their interactions with other people.

    Also, involving our children in family discussions and activities further reinforces a sense of unity and belonging. This encourages children to feel valued and heard, strengthening their bond with their parents and siblings.

    Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/Monkey Business Images

    Emmanuel Abimbola is a creative freelance writer, blogger, and web designer. He is a devout Christian with an uncompromising faith who hails from Ondo State in Nigeria, West Africa. As a lover of kids, Emmanuel runs a small elementary school in Arigidi, Nigeria.

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    Emmanuel Abimbola

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  • Even Introverts Need Community

    Even Introverts Need Community

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    As an adult, I crave alone time. The funny thing is, I didn’t really think that alone time was something I would struggle to find, until one day, I woke up, a married woman with two kids and three dogs, and realized that I am never ever alone. While some people are afraid to be alone, I’m actually more afraid of the thought of never getting to be alone again. 

    Months often go by when I don’t hang out with friends. It’s not really a planned or intentional thing; I just really enjoy my alone time and protect it a lot. 

    If you’re an introvert, I probably don’t even need to explain myself. You get it. There’s definitely a tug between spending quality time with the people you love and finding enough solitude that you are fully present when you are with them.

    Over the years, I’ve learned to carefully navigate the boundaries of the soul care I need by making sure I get adequate alone time, giving just enough of myself so my family and friends don’t feel neglected. The one area that I’ve struggled to progress in is that of community. I’ve always had a take-it-or-leave-it mentality when it comes to anything that appears like community; that is until recently, when I had my first real, life-giving community experience.

    Even Introverts Need Community

    Even introverts need community, and let me tell you why. God made us for community. He tells us to gather with other believers to help and serve each other and to encourage each other. God created Eve so that Adam wouldn’t be alone. Jesus had His disciples. All throughout the Bible, we read story upon story of people with other people. 

    Think about it—if God didn’t intend for us to be in community with others, there would be no need to bring us together as one body (the Church), and all the passages in the New Testament that tell us how to treat others would be pointless. However, community is important to God, and, as an introvert, I must continually remind myself of all the reasons why I need community. 

    Find a Community That’s Life-Giving

    If you’re an introvert, you might disagree that community is necessary. So let me rephrase it—introverts need the right community, one that is life-giving, not life-sucking. Just one year ago, I didn’t feel such a strong need for community, but last December, I traveled across the country to attend a retreat with over 100 other like-minded women. Not only am I an introvert, but I have always struggled to fit in with other women. So you can imagine the anxiety I felt as I walked into the room on the first day. I even woke up early that morning to mentally prepare myself. 

    However, during this two-day retreat, I felt a bond and comfort that I had never felt before with such a large group of women. For the first time in my life, I was able to just be myself and felt comfortable talking to strangers. Ever since then, I have craved more of this kind of experience. Until you have experienced the kind of community that feeds your soul, you can’t understand what it’s like to be part of a community where even the most introverted person can thrive. 

    If You Can’t Find Your Community, Cultivate One

    After this experience, I found myself looking for a community that could replicate what I felt in those two days. In the days after the retreat, I realized that a community like that is rare and might be nearly impossible to find. I came to the conclusion that I would need to cultivate a community on my own. I would need to find like-minded people to do life with, who are rooted and grounded in love, who will sharpen each other, and who are committed to seeing each other thrive and grow in their faith and spiritual gifts.

    Based on my experience in a life-giving community, I determined the qualities that my perfectly cultivated community should possess:

    God’s Presence Should Be Felt

    The best example of the feeling of God’s presence is a Sunday morning worship service. The feeling in a room full of people whose hearts are tuned into God is electric. 

    When you are fully engaged in a community of like-minded people, God’s presence is fully known, even when the worship music isn’t playing. A room full of Kingdom-minded people is a force to be reckoned with. There is absolutely nothing that can keep us from achieving our goals together in unity when we have God by our side. 

    “For where two or three are gathered in my name, there am I among them.” Matthew 18:20 (ESV)

    Each Person Can Fulfill Their Calling

    The great thing about a community is that each member possesses unique skills and talents that benefit everyone else. Just like in a town where many people have different but necessary occupations (doctor, plumber, carpenter, teacher, etc.), a church has many different but necessary parts as well. 

    A life-giving community equips and empowers each individual to utilize their spiritual gifts. Each person should have the opportunity to contribute according to what God has called them to do. No one should ever feel left out or useless.

    “For as in one body we have many members, and the members do not all have the same function, so we, though many, are one body in Christ, and individually members one of another.” Romans 12:4-5 (ESV)

    Service Should Be Vital

    Recently, my church put on a huge community service event where we took on multiple projects in the city. I was on the high school campus cleanup crew. It’s amazing how quickly 20 people can repaint the exterior walls of a classroom building when each one of us jumps in and takes on a specific task. 

    The desire for our church to serve our hometown community allowed us to be the hands and feet of Jesus and to show the students and teachers of that school what the love of Jesus is. 

    A life-giving community not only encourages and promotes service but actively engages in it as a whole. When we serve together, we get to experience the overflowing abundance of God’s love and see its full effect on those around us.

    “For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.” Mark 10:45 (ESV)

    Solitude Has Its Time and Place

    While community is necessary to grow in our faith and to keep God’s commandments, take heart, my introverted friends! There is still a time and place to feed our solitude-loving souls. 

    Even though Jesus is known for His way with people—how He loved them, showed them compassion, and ministered to them—the Bible also emphasizes His need to be alone. 

    He spent most of His waking hours healing the sick, preaching, baptizing, and dining with sinners. The thought of this exhausts me. No wonder, after a long day, He could be found up in the mountains alone.

    “And after he had dismissed the crowds, he went up on the mountain by himself to pray. When evening came, he was there alone.” Matthew 14:23 (ESV)

    Not only did He find solitude at the end of a long day, but He would also wake up early for quiet time. This is another great practice that I can rarely function without. If I miss my early morning quiet time, I feel ill-equipped for the day. 

    “And rising very early in the morning, while it was still dark, he departed and went out to a desolate place, and there he prayed.” Mark 1:35 (ESV)

    Starting and ending each day in quiet, away from others, and in prayer provides us with the energy and refreshment needed to continue to engage in community. 

    Pro Tip for When You Can’t Get Away

    If you feel overwhelmed and need to be alone but cannot get away, learn how to retreat inside of yourself by way of the Holy Spirit. If you can learn this one simple “trick,” you can find solitude in the loudest and most crowded places. Seek solace in God and He will give you the inner peace that you need. 

    “You are a hiding place for me; you preserve me from trouble; you surround me with shouts of deliverance. Selah.” Psalm 32:7 (ESV)

    Sometimes, if the tension is high, and I really need to be alone, I can become irritable and easily agitated. The last thing that I want to do is act in a manner that is less than pleasant. Learning how to retreat into a safe, quiet place within my soul keeps me out of trouble. I have learned to take deep breaths, pray silently to God to help me be patient, and be silent so I don’t say something that I’ll later regret.

    Be encouraged, my friend. Being introverted isn’t a curse. If anything, I see it as a blessing. I find just as much joy in being alone as I do in being part of a life-giving, Kingdom-minded community. I encourage you to give it a try and see how even introverts can thrive in the right kind of community.

    Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/LeoPatrizi

    Jennifer Jabbour resides in the scenic San Diego countryside with her husband, adult son, and teen daughter, and their hilarious English Bulldog. Jennifer has a B.A. in Integrated Business Communications, and is a Go + Tell Gals licensed life coach. Jennifer hopes to use her calling of writing, coaching, and speaking to equip and empower women to clarify their vision and to boldly step forward in response to God’s calling on their life, as well as educate and encourage others to experience the abundance of God’s goodness when they seek Him first in all that they do. Jennifer is also a brown belt in Brazilian Jiu Jitsu, a photographer, and an avid outdoors-woman. She loves camping, hiking, running, and playing the piano in her free time.

    You can keep up with Jennifer on her website https://www.jenniferjabbour.com.

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    Jen Jabbour

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  • Even Introverts Need Community

    Even Introverts Need Community

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    As an adult, I crave alone time. The funny thing is, I didn’t really think that alone time was something I would struggle to find, until one day, I woke up, a married woman with two kids and three dogs, and realized that I am never ever alone. While some people are afraid to be alone, I’m actually more afraid of the thought of never getting to be alone again. 

    Months often go by when I don’t hang out with friends. It’s not really a planned or intentional thing; I just really enjoy my alone time and protect it a lot. 

    If you’re an introvert, I probably don’t even need to explain myself. You get it. There’s definitely a tug between spending quality time with the people you love and finding enough solitude that you are fully present when you are with them.

    Over the years, I’ve learned to carefully navigate the boundaries of the soul care I need by making sure I get adequate alone time, giving just enough of myself so my family and friends don’t feel neglected. The one area that I’ve struggled to progress in is that of community. I’ve always had a take-it-or-leave-it mentality when it comes to anything that appears like community; that is until recently, when I had my first real, life-giving community experience.

    Even Introverts Need Community

    Even introverts need community, and let me tell you why. God made us for community. He tells us to gather with other believers to help and serve each other and to encourage each other. God created Eve so that Adam wouldn’t be alone. Jesus had His disciples. All throughout the Bible, we read story upon story of people with other people. 

    Think about it—if God didn’t intend for us to be in community with others, there would be no need to bring us together as one body (the Church), and all the passages in the New Testament that tell us how to treat others would be pointless. However, community is important to God, and, as an introvert, I must continually remind myself of all the reasons why I need community. 

    Find a Community That’s Life-Giving

    If you’re an introvert, you might disagree that community is necessary. So let me rephrase it—introverts need the right community, one that is life-giving, not life-sucking. Just one year ago, I didn’t feel such a strong need for community, but last December, I traveled across the country to attend a retreat with over 100 other like-minded women. Not only am I an introvert, but I have always struggled to fit in with other women. So you can imagine the anxiety I felt as I walked into the room on the first day. I even woke up early that morning to mentally prepare myself. 

    However, during this two-day retreat, I felt a bond and comfort that I had never felt before with such a large group of women. For the first time in my life, I was able to just be myself and felt comfortable talking to strangers. Ever since then, I have craved more of this kind of experience. Until you have experienced the kind of community that feeds your soul, you can’t understand what it’s like to be part of a community where even the most introverted person can thrive. 

    If You Can’t Find Your Community, Cultivate One

    After this experience, I found myself looking for a community that could replicate what I felt in those two days. In the days after the retreat, I realized that a community like that is rare and might be nearly impossible to find. I came to the conclusion that I would need to cultivate a community on my own. I would need to find like-minded people to do life with, who are rooted and grounded in love, who will sharpen each other, and who are committed to seeing each other thrive and grow in their faith and spiritual gifts.

    Based on my experience in a life-giving community, I determined the qualities that my perfectly cultivated community should possess:

    God’s Presence Should Be Felt

    The best example of the feeling of God’s presence is a Sunday morning worship service. The feeling in a room full of people whose hearts are tuned into God is electric. 

    When you are fully engaged in a community of like-minded people, God’s presence is fully known, even when the worship music isn’t playing. A room full of Kingdom-minded people is a force to be reckoned with. There is absolutely nothing that can keep us from achieving our goals together in unity when we have God by our side. 

    “For where two or three are gathered in my name, there am I among them.” Matthew 18:20 (ESV)

    Each Person Can Fulfill Their Calling

    The great thing about a community is that each member possesses unique skills and talents that benefit everyone else. Just like in a town where many people have different but necessary occupations (doctor, plumber, carpenter, teacher, etc.), a church has many different but necessary parts as well. 

    A life-giving community equips and empowers each individual to utilize their spiritual gifts. Each person should have the opportunity to contribute according to what God has called them to do. No one should ever feel left out or useless.

    “For as in one body we have many members, and the members do not all have the same function, so we, though many, are one body in Christ, and individually members one of another.” Romans 12:4-5 (ESV)

    Service Should Be Vital

    Recently, my church put on a huge community service event where we took on multiple projects in the city. I was on the high school campus cleanup crew. It’s amazing how quickly 20 people can repaint the exterior walls of a classroom building when each one of us jumps in and takes on a specific task. 

    The desire for our church to serve our hometown community allowed us to be the hands and feet of Jesus and to show the students and teachers of that school what the love of Jesus is. 

    A life-giving community not only encourages and promotes service but actively engages in it as a whole. When we serve together, we get to experience the overflowing abundance of God’s love and see its full effect on those around us.

    “For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.” Mark 10:45 (ESV)

    Solitude Has Its Time and Place

    While community is necessary to grow in our faith and to keep God’s commandments, take heart, my introverted friends! There is still a time and place to feed our solitude-loving souls. 

    Even though Jesus is known for His way with people—how He loved them, showed them compassion, and ministered to them—the Bible also emphasizes His need to be alone. 

    He spent most of His waking hours healing the sick, preaching, baptizing, and dining with sinners. The thought of this exhausts me. No wonder, after a long day, He could be found up in the mountains alone.

    “And after he had dismissed the crowds, he went up on the mountain by himself to pray. When evening came, he was there alone.” Matthew 14:23 (ESV)

    Not only did He find solitude at the end of a long day, but He would also wake up early for quiet time. This is another great practice that I can rarely function without. If I miss my early morning quiet time, I feel ill-equipped for the day. 

    “And rising very early in the morning, while it was still dark, he departed and went out to a desolate place, and there he prayed.” Mark 1:35 (ESV)

    Starting and ending each day in quiet, away from others, and in prayer provides us with the energy and refreshment needed to continue to engage in community. 

    Pro Tip for When You Can’t Get Away

    If you feel overwhelmed and need to be alone but cannot get away, learn how to retreat inside of yourself by way of the Holy Spirit. If you can learn this one simple “trick,” you can find solitude in the loudest and most crowded places. Seek solace in God and He will give you the inner peace that you need. 

    “You are a hiding place for me; you preserve me from trouble; you surround me with shouts of deliverance. Selah.” Psalm 32:7 (ESV)

    Sometimes, if the tension is high, and I really need to be alone, I can become irritable and easily agitated. The last thing that I want to do is act in a manner that is less than pleasant. Learning how to retreat into a safe, quiet place within my soul keeps me out of trouble. I have learned to take deep breaths, pray silently to God to help me be patient, and be silent so I don’t say something that I’ll later regret.

    Be encouraged, my friend. Being introverted isn’t a curse. If anything, I see it as a blessing. I find just as much joy in being alone as I do in being part of a life-giving, Kingdom-minded community. I encourage you to give it a try and see how even introverts can thrive in the right kind of community.

    Photo Credit: ©Getty Images/LeoPatrizi

    Jennifer Jabbour resides in the scenic San Diego countryside with her husband, adult son, and teen daughter, and their hilarious English Bulldog. Jennifer has a B.A. in Integrated Business Communications, and is a Go + Tell Gals licensed life coach. Jennifer hopes to use her calling of writing, coaching, and speaking to equip and empower women to clarify their vision and to boldly step forward in response to God’s calling on their life, as well as educate and encourage others to experience the abundance of God’s goodness when they seek Him first in all that they do. Jennifer is also a brown belt in Brazilian Jiu Jitsu, a photographer, and an avid outdoors-woman. She loves camping, hiking, running, and playing the piano in her free time.

    You can keep up with Jennifer on her website https://www.jenniferjabbour.com.

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    Jen Jabbour

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  • 25 Practical Ways You Can Show Your Grandchildren You Love Them

    25 Practical Ways You Can Show Your Grandchildren You Love Them

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    One of the best things in an older person’s life is their grandchildren. I know so many people who are grandparents and are over the moon about their grandchildren. They like to spend as much time as possible with them and miss them if they live far away or aren’t around as much. Of course, they love spoiling them; what grandparent doesn’t? Still, there are some practical ways you can show your grands that you love them. Here are some ideas to show your love.

    1. Spend Quality Time with Them

    Spend some quality time with your grandchildren. By quality time, I mean doing something together where you interact and can have conversations. Make sure it’s something you both enjoy, like going on a hike, doing a craft, or making a favorite dessert.

    2. Write a Letter from the Heart

    In this world of technology, sending your grandchildren a quick email or text is easy. Still, it isn’t the most personal way to connect. Instead, sit down and take some time to write a heartfelt letter to your grandchildren. You can do this for a group and express your heartfelt love for all of them, or you can write each of them a letter individually to let them know how special they are and how much you love them. You can share your favorite memories with them, what you hope for them in the future, and your favorite qualities that they have. Your letter will become a cherished keepsake.

    3. Make a Cookbook Together

    Photo credit: GettyImages/jacoblund

    Sit down and compile a cookbook together with your favorite family recipes. To make it even more special, hire someone to create a professional cover and format the interior. Then, upload it to Amazon and have it printed without publishing it. That way, you can print copies for friends and family without it being on sale to the public.

    4. Make a Personalized Storybook

    Sit down and write a story with your grandchildren about them and how special your bond is. Have them create the illustrations. Once again, to make it even more special, hire someone to create a professional cover for it and format the interior. Then, set up an Amazon KDP account and decide whether you want to publish it or not.

    5. Plan a Special Date

    Set up a day to go out, just you and your grandchildren. This could be a trip to the zoo, the children’s museum, or even an amusement park or shopping complex. This will show them how much you love spending quality time with them.

    6. Pray for Them

    There is nothing more powerful than praying for your grandkids. Ask the Lord to help them, guide them, and guard them.

    7. Pray with Them

    Praying with them about things that are bothering them is another priceless way that you can show them you love them.

    8. Cook Their Favorite Meals

    Making their favorite meals is also a great way to show your love. Many times, there are dishes our grandmothers make that are hard to duplicate. We try to, but it’s not quite the same. For me, it’s my grandmother’s buttermilk cookies. Food brings us together and is a great way to show your love.

    9. Plan a Treasure Hunt

    Design a treasure hunt according to your grandchildren’s interests. You can do this in your backyard or even in your home if it’s raining.

    10. Send a Care Package

    Do your grandchildren live far away, or are they at college or even in the military? Then, send them a care package with some of their favorite things and some handwritten notes. This will brighten their day and make them feel even more connected to you.

    11. Make a Memory Book

    Gather your favorite memories via photo and use a site like Shutterfly to make a book. My best friend did this for me and my husband after our wedding. Your grandkids will love being able to look back at all the memories they have made with you and will cherish the book forever.

    12. Have a Movie Night

    Have a movie night with your grandkids and snuggle up together with blankets and their favorite snacks. They will love spending time with you.

    13. Actively Listen

    When you are talking with your grandkids, actively listen to them and ask questions to let them know you hear them and are paying attention.

    14. Teach Them How to Do Something

    If you know a skill, trade, or have a favorite hobby, share that with your grandchildren. Teach them how to bake, change the oil in a car, and how to change a tire, or build something, for example. They will appreciate it later on in life.

    senior man teaching young boy how to play guitar in retirement

    Photo credit: ©GettyImages/Zinkevych

    15. Share Things with Them Every Day

    Share something fun with your grandkids every day. Send them a funny meme, share an article about something they like, or tell them about your day.

    16. Have a Grandparent/Grandkids Camp

    Take a week in the summer and have your kids stay with you for “camp.” Plan the activities and other things you will do together ahead of time.

    17. Spend Time with Them One-On-One

    Take each of your grandkids out or have them over one at a time so you can spend some one-on-one time with them. This way, you can focus on them alone and not have to worry about the other children in your care. Your grandkids will feel special and loved by having this time with you.

    18. Take Them to Practice and Activities

    If you can still drive, as your grandkids get older, offer to take them to after-school practices and activities. Your grandkids will love being picked up at school, and their parents will be very grateful for the help.

    19. Send Them Mail

    Kids love getting mail, so send them something once a month. This could be a card, a letter, or even a special subscription box that correlates with one of their favorite interests.

    20. Connect Weekly

    Make sure you connect with your grandkids on a weekly basis. This can be via email, text, face timing, or a phone call. Let them know their importance to you by carving out time for them every week.

    21. Fly Them Out to See You

    If you have the means, monitor airfares and fly your grandchildren out to see you when you find a good price.

    22. Share Cake on Everyone’s Birthday

    If you live far away, celebrate your grandkid’s birthdays by baking a cake together via video chat. You can make a small cake while your grandchild and their parents can go whole hog on a two-tier, fully decorated cake. Make sure you bake and decorate your cake together via Facetime on your tablet or laptop if possible.

    23. Record a Story

    You can do this in several ways. Hallmark has recordable storybooks where you can read the story and it will record your voice. You can also record yourself reading it and send it to your grandkids on their phone. I read an article about a grandma who started her own YouTube channel, and she records herself reading storybooks to her grandchildren who live far away. I think this is very cool.

    Asian grandparents with baby grandma and grandpa

    Photo credit: ©GettyImages/Edwin Tan

    24. Go Visit

    Once again, if you find cheap airfare, book a flight and visit your grandchildren. They will appreciate the time and effort it took to spend time with them.

    25. Read a Book to Them

    If you live close by, spend an afternoon reading their favorite books to them.

    There are many practical ways you can spend time with your grandkids, both near and far, to show them you love them. Choose a few options from the list above and start planning how you are going to spend your time the next time you are together.

    Photo credit: ©GettyImages/andreswd

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    Carrie Lowrance

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  • 4 Relevant Lessons About Forgiveness

    4 Relevant Lessons About Forgiveness

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    Recently, a lady in my church approached me and asked me what the Bible says about forgiving other people. I loved her honesty and told her I would think about it and let her know. After doing a little bit of research, I came up with a few verses that I sent her.

    However, I could not send these Scriptures to her without being moved by them myself. Here are four lessons I am learning about forgiveness (and I expect I will always be learning them):

    1. My forgiveness of others is evidence of God’s forgiveness at work within me.

    When Jesus taught his disciples to pray with what we often call “The Lord’s Prayer,” he said to pray like this: “And forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors” (Matthew 6:12). Then, just in case there were any questions about that, Jesus followed that up with this:

    “For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.” (Matthew 6:14-15, ESV).

    Elsewhere in the Bible, Mark records this similar teaching of Jesus from a different time:

    “And whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father also who is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses.” (Mark 11:25, ESV).

    What I am learning as I live my life is that the more I experience and appreciate God’s forgiveness of my sins, the more I am reminded and even compelled to forgive others. This has played out, especially in my closest relationships, such as with my wife and father.

    2. When God forgives me, he cancels my debt and removes my guilt.

    I have a bad memory. My memory is so bad that my wife often has to remind me how bad it is.

    But even with my bad memory, it is difficult (or even impossible) to forget how someone has hurt me, lied to me, or mistreated me in my past. Those experiences of trauma can stay with us our whole life. We do not have the power to forget them completely. We can suppress them, but they are still there in the subconscious recesses of our mind, and (as I have heard many times) “our body keeps the score” of the trauma we have gone through.

    God, on the other hand, is able to choose to forget the debt. I am not saying that he misplaces his notes or that his omniscience has an end. Instead, he has the supernatural ability to decide what he connects to us. While I believe God still knows what we as Christians have done against him, he lets go of and forgets the debt that we owe for our sins. That is justification. Paul explains it like this:

    “And you, who were dead in your trespasses and the uncircumcision of your flesh, God made alive together with him, having forgiven us all our trespasses by canceling the record of debt that stood against us with its legal demands. This he set aside, nailing it to the cross.” (Colossians 2:13-14, ESV)

    When we are in Christ (meaning we are essentially hidden behind Jesus in God’s sight), we are no longer living under condemnation for our sins. We will still have to deal with natural consequences, but there is no more guilt associated with our sin. Our judge has declared us unequivocally “not guilty.”

    I love the picture the psalmist gives us about this when he writes in Psalm 103:12, “As far as the east is from the west, so far does he remove our transgressions from us.”

    3. Forgiving others is one way I express my love to them.

    As tough as it is to admit, I have hurt others. There are times when I have hurt my parents, my spouse, my children, my friends, and the people I have tried to lead. There are times when it was totally accidental, and there are times when it was on purpose because I was angry or trying to be vindictive.

    In the same way that I want others to not hold my sin against me after I have asked for their forgiveness, the way that I display my love to others is by forgiving them for their wrongdoing. Constantly bringing up someone’s sin against me or continuing to look at them through the filter of their mistakes is not loving.

    The Apostle Paul (who knew a thing or two about being forgiven for much) wrote in Ephesians 4:32, “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you” (ESV). He also wrote to the believers in Colossae, “If one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive” (Colossians 3:13, ESV).

    If I do not forgive someone (as I have had to often do in my life), then I do not love them. For example, I do not hold the sins, mistakes, and failures of my children over them and treat them differently because I have an unconditional love for them (or at least as much as humanly possible). One of the understandings that I have realized that has really helped me do this is to recognize that we all have things we are dealing with and “hurt people hurt people.” In order to love and forgive others well, I often need to remember that they are just acting out in the best way they know.

    4. I will never use up my forgiveness power.

    One of the greatest abilities I have as a friend and family member of others is my power to forgive. Anyone can retaliate and hurt someone for their actions. It is so natural to do so that even animals can react and retaliate. But it takes great power and intentional love to forgive others after they hurt us. As Jesus taught Peter and his other disciples:

    “Then Peter came up and said to him, “Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy-seven times.” (Matthew 18:21-22, ESV)

    In the same way that God forgives me for my past, present, and future sins (for which I am incredibly thankful), I have the power to forgive others. While this doesn’t mean that I need to position myself in the same place I was before in order to get hurt in the same way, it does mean that when I love someone, I will continue to forgive them and move on instead of being stuck in bitterness and unforgiveness.

    As I think back over my own life, I can honestly say that I have forgiven many people for how they hurt me. This forgiveness has given me a sense of closure and peace that has helped me live a better life. But this power to forgive did not come from me—it came from the Holy Spirit within me. Any unforgiveness I still have because of unsettled issues is still there because I have not allowed God to fill those bitter spots with love.

    So, let’s allow God’s forgiveness to sprout in us. Let’s live in great appreciation for how he has canceled our debts and chooses not to hold our sins against us. Let’s live out our love by forgiving others. And let’s wield the greatest power we have at our disposal: forgiveness.

    Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/greenleaf123

    Robert Hampshire is a pastor, teacher, writer, and leader. He has been married to Rebecca since 2008 and has three children, Brooklyn, Bryson, and Abram. Robert attended North Greenville University in South Carolina for his undergraduate and Liberty University in Virginia for his Masters. He has served in a variety of roles as a worship pastor, youth pastor, family pastor, church planter, and now Pastor of Worship and Discipleship at Cheraw First Baptist Church in South Carolina. He furthers his ministry through his blog site, Faithful Thinking, and his YouTube channel. His life goal is to serve God and His Church by reaching the lost with the gospel, making devoted disciples, equipping and empowering others to go further in their faith and calling, and leading a culture of multiplication for the glory of God. Find out more about him here.

    This article originally appeared on Christianity.com. For more faith-building resources, visit

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    Robert Hampshire

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