Hello, Chive Nation, and welcome back to the second ‘WUU’ post that helps put the spotlight on our shared humanity. ‘What Unites Us’ is a gallery solely dedicated to reminding us all that despite the bitter squabbling and divisive rhetoric the media pushes, we are so much more alike than the talking heads would have us believe.
So help the masses stay uplifted this election cycle by sending in fun photos straight from your own Camera rolls!
No submissions are off the table so long as the images are Universally Positive! Send in all those images through our iPhone; or Android apps to get featured on theCHIVE! Or you can send images directly in through our submit page HERE!
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We’ve also created an email landing page specifically for this themed gallery, aptly named whatunitesus@thechive.com.
A mother blurted out this question: “How much do you think should I get paid as a caregiver for my son?” Confused, the person she was talking to asked for clarification, and this was her response: “Well, my adult son still lives with me and does not really have a good paycheck. I am saddled with bills and need more money to help pay for them.”
Psalm 127:3 says, “Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, the fruit of the womb a reward.” Two words stand out to describe the value of children: heritage and reward. First, the word heritage denotes an inheritance or a portion of value. Second, the word reward means something given in recognition of a service or an achievement. And the giver of this heritage and reward, our children, is the Lord—a blessing indeed!
The Israelites experienced a baby boom—God’s inheritance and reward to His people—so much that they became a threat to the Egyptians. And no matter how badly the Egyptians treated the Israelites, God divinely increased them. And to put a stop to this population explosion and bring their numbers down, Pharaoh ordered the Hebrew midwives, Shiphrah and Puah, to kill any male child born by throwing them into the Nile. But the midwives disobeyed Pharaoh for they were God-fearing women—and God dealt well with them by rewarding them with their own families. “And the people multiplied and grew very strong” (Read Exodus 1). By the time they left Egypt for the great exodus, there were “six hundred thousand men on foot, besides women and children” (12:37).
The Blessing of a Family
Deuteronomy 28 opens with the blessings that the Lord provides. It shouldn’t come as a surprise that the verses included the gift of children to the Israelites. Moses said, “And if you faithfully obey the voice of the LORD your God, being careful to do all his commandments that I command you today, the LORD your God will set you high above all the nations of the earth…Blessed shall be the fruit of your womb…And the LORD shall make you abound in prosperity, in the fruit of your womb…” (vv.1, 4a, 11ab).
Going back to the very beginning, the creation, God gave the first multiplication assignment to Adam and Eve. He said, “Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth and subdue it…” (Genesis 1:28). We read it next after God destroyed the Earth, when He commanded Noah and his sons to “be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth” (Genesis 9:1). To Abraham, God promised, “You shall be the father of a multitude of nations…I will make you exceedingly fruitful…” (Genesis 17:4,6).
Perhaps one of the most prolific fathers was Jacob, Abraham’s grandson, with his 12 sons—shepherds by profession. Out of Jacob came the 12 tribes, God’s chosen people, the fulfilment of God’s promise to Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. They tasted and saw God’s goodness as He led them to the promised land, Canaan, the land flowing with milk and honey and fruits—grapes, pomegranates, and figs.
Fashioned after His image, God’s people became producers of humankind—the blessing!
Family Is the Most Important Community
In biblical times—and way beyond those times—it was customary to keep living with your family as a community. It made sense when Moses was teaching the Israelites how to love God with all of their heart, soul, and might, and how important it was for the parents to teach this to their children. He said, “[You] shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise” (Deuteronomy 6:7). They were together 24/7.
As children turned to adults, they owned their own habitations but lived in very close proximity. They had fellowship and shared meals. This was proven by Esau asking his brother Jacob to serve him his red lentil stew (Genesis 25:30). And when Isaac was weak and dying, Isaac requested his son Esau to prepare the delicious food that he loved—and Esau didn’t hesitate to go out to the field and hunt game to prepare it (Genesis 27:3-4).
When three of his oldest brothers followed Saul to fight the Philistines, David was ordered by his father Jesse to run an important errand for him. “Take to your brothers an ephah of this parched grain, and these ten loaves, and carry them quickly to the camp for your brothers” (1 Samuel 17:17).
It wasn’t hard for the fathers to turn over the reins to their sons. They didn’t have to force them to learn their trades. It was expected that they would take over and handle the business and family affairs. They grew up in it, with hands-on experience. Brothers Simon and Andrew and brothers James and John were all fishermen like their fathers until Jesus called them (Matthew 4:18-22).
Siblings Lazarus, Martha, and Mary got along well, sharing not just the same home but close friendships with Jesus and His followers, often extending hospitality to them (Luke 10:38-42).
Where Are We as a Family Today?
Obviously, there is value to a child, or the mother would not have asked how much money she could get for continuing to care for her adult son. However, her words revealed much about her worldly thoughts and feelings: she didn’t see a way out of her parenting responsibility, and it was causing her financial hardship.
We like to blame the economy, inflation—the list goes on—that the seemingly best-laid plan is to have maybe just one or two children, or none, because of the nightmare of rising costs. Most parents want to plan the length of their stay in the workplace, build that nest egg for retirement, and relax. Modern values have pulled us into thinking that children are more of an inconvenience, especially when they reach 18 and still don’t make plans to move out and venture on their own. This delicate situation of wanting to stay longer at home can be easily solved by finding jobs and paying rent, being more like a roommate rather than family—or the ultimatum of kicking them out. They can’t seem to wait for the day to come when they will be empty nesters, that it’s best to put a deadline on how long their children should live at home.
How did we end up with this bizarre mindset that we see children more as liabilities—the money drainers—instead of assets—the gift from the Lord, our inheritance and reward? We see how most of them are unprepared to face the challenges of the world, uncertain of what they want to do with their lives, and still stuck in their self-discovery phase. No wonder they can’t and don’t want to leave the security of their rooms! We, parents, should admit that we just don’t want to deal with handling their needs at a certain point as they mean the interruption of our own. And we wonder why we have so many prodigal and failing adult children!
Are we ever going to be ready to embrace how incredible our children can be and how they are God’s heritage and reward to us? The more we admit what a blessing they are to us, the more they will become one. And the more we diligently teach them about God’s Word, the wiser they will become. Then we can be certain that they are able to continue the cycle of blessing, producing generations of children who are obedient to God’s commandments, prosperous, and living a fulfilled life.
Luisa Collopy is an author, speaker and a women’s Bible study teacher. She also produces Mula sa Puso (From the Heart) in Tagalog (her heart language), released on FEBC Philippines stations. Luisa loves spending time with her family over meals and karaoke!
Have you ever felt like you’re living in a world of surface-level small talk and polite nods, yearning for something more substantial? Well, my fellow believers, I’m here to tell you that it’s time to dive deeper into the refreshing waters of honest conversations. As Christians, we’re called to a life of authenticity and genuine connection, not just with God but with each other. But let’s face it, opening up can be scarier than facing Goliath with nothing but a slingshot and a prayer!
I remember the first time I opened up to my small group at church about a problem I had. My palms were sweating, my heart was racing, and I was sure I’d rather be swallowed by a whale like Jonah than share my struggles. But you know what? Once I took that leap of faith, it was like a dam broke. The flood of empathy, understanding, and support was overwhelming in the best possible way.
That’s the power of honest conversations, folks. They can break down walls, build bridges, and create bonds stronger than whatever glue Noah used to keep that ark together. (Okay, maybe not, but you get the idea!)
Breaking the Ice: Overcoming the Fear of Vulnerability
Let’s be real: being vulnerable is about as comfortable as wearing a hairshirt in the middle of summer. It’s itchy and uncomfortable, and you’d rather be anywhere else. But here’s the thing: vulnerability is the key that unlocks the door to deeper connections.
The Bible is full of examples of vulnerability. Look at David—this guy poured his heart out in the Psalms, sharing everything from his highest praises to his deepest despair. In Psalm 38:9, he writes, “Lord, all my desire is before thee; and my groaning is not hidden from thee.” Talk about laying it all out there!
So how do we overcome this fear of vulnerability? First, remember that everyone—yes, even that person who seems to have it all together—has struggles. Second, start small. You don’t have to share your deepest, darkest secret. Maybe begin by admitting you’re having a tough week or struggling to understand a Bible passage.
And here’s a little trick I’ve learned: sometimes, being the first to open up can create a domino effect of honesty. It’s like you’re permitting others to be real too. So go ahead and be the brave one. Take that first step. Who knows? You might start a revolution of realness in your church community!
Remember, vulnerability isn’t weakness; it’s courage in action. It’s saying, “Here I am, imperfect and struggling, but willing to connect.” And that, my friends, is where the magic happens.
Creating Safe Spaces: Fostering an Environment of Trust
Imagine you’re at a church potluck and someone brings a mysterious casserole. You’re unsure what’s in it but know you’re expected to try it. That’s what it feels like to open up in a group that doesn’t feel safe. You’re hesitant, unsure, and a little scared of what might happen if you take a bite.
Creating a safe space for honest conversations is like setting the table for a feast of authenticity. It’s about cultivating an environment where people feel as comfortable sharing their hearts as they do sharing that questionable casserole. (Though maybe with less indigestion afterward!)
In the Bible, we see Jesus creating safe spaces all the time. Remember the woman at the well in John 4? Jesus met her where she was, engaged in honest dialogue, and created a space where she felt safe enough to share her story. That’s our model, folks!
So how do we create these safe spaces in our Christian communities? First, it starts with us. We need to be the kind of listeners who respond with grace, not judgment. James 1:19 puts it beautifully: “Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath.”
Second, we need to establish ground rules for our conversations. Confidentiality is key; what’s shared stays in the group. Unless, of course, someone confesses to hiding the pastor’s car keys as a prank. (Then all bets are off!)
Third, we need to lead by example. Share your struggles and imperfections. When leaders are willing to be vulnerable, it sets the tone for everyone else. It’s like spiritual skydiving: when the leader jumps first, others feel safer to follow.
Creating safe spaces isn’t always easy. It requires intentionality, patience, and a whole lot of grace. But when we get it right, it’s like we’re creating little pockets of heaven right here on Earth—places where people can come as they are, brokenness and all, and find acceptance, love, and healing.
So, let’s commit to being safe space creators. Who knows? The next time someone brings that mysterious casserole to the potluck, they might feel comfortable enough to admit it’s their first time cooking!
The Art of Listening: Hearing Beyond the Words
You know that feeling when you’re trying to tell your spouse something important and they’re nodding along while scrolling through their phone? Yeah, it’s not exactly the pinnacle of communication. Well, it’s time we talk about the lost art of truly listening—and I mean listening, not just waiting for your turn to speak.
In our fast-paced, tweet-sized world, we’ve become masters of the quick response, the witty comeback, and the surface-level chat. But, when it comes to honest conversations, we need to channel our inner Sherlock Holmes. We need to listen not just to the words being said but also to the emotions behind them—the unspoken fears, the hidden hopes.
The Bible has a lot to say about listening. Proverbs 18:13 warns us, “He that answereth a matter before he heareth it, it is folly and shame unto him.” In other words, zip it and listen up before you start dishing out advice!
So how do we become better listeners? First, put away distractions. That means your phone, your to-do list, and yes, even that nagging thought about what you’re going to make for dinner. Give the person your full attention. It’s amazing how valued someone feels when you look them in the eye and focus on what they’re saying.
Second, practice active listening. This means asking clarifying questions, reflecting on what you’ve heard, and checking your understanding. It’s like playing verbal ping-pong but with empathy instead of paddles.
Third, listen with your heart, not just your ears. Try to put yourself in the other person’s shoes. What might they be feeling? What’s the deeper need behind their words? Jesus was a master at this. He didn’t only hear the words people said; he understood their hearts.
Becoming a good listener takes practice. It might initially feel awkward like you’re wearing someone else’s shoes. But stick with it. The more you practice, the more natural it becomes. And who knows? You might discover that by becoming a better listener, you become a better friend, spouse, parent, and follower of Christ.
So the next time someone starts sharing with you, resist the urge to formulate your response while they’re still talking. Instead, lean in, open your heart, and listen. You might be surprised at what you hear when you listen not just with your ears but with your soul.
From Words to Action: Living Out Our Honest Conversations
Honest conversations aren’t just about clearing the air or having a good cry together (although those things can be pretty cathartic). They’re about spurring each other on towards love and good deeds, as Hebrews 10:24 encourages us to do. They’re about becoming the hands and feet of Jesus for each other and the world around us.
James 2:17 reminds us that “Faith without works is dead.” The same is true for our conversations. If we bare our souls to each other but don’t follow through with support, encouragement, and practical help, we’re missing the point.
So how do we have honest conversations? First, we need to be willing to get our hands dirty. If someone shares a struggle, don’t just say, “I’ll pray for you” (although prayer is important!). Ask them, “How can I help?” Maybe it’s providing a meal, childcare, or just checking in regularly.
Second, we need to hold each other accountable—with love and grace, of course. If someone shares a goal or a commitment to change, offer to be their accountability partner. It’s like having a spiritual workout buddy—you’re there to encourage, support, and occasionally give a loving kick in the pants when needed.
Third, we need to celebrate victories together, no matter how small. Did someone resist temptation? Awesome! Did they finally forgive that person they’ve been holding a grudge against? Break out the sparkling grape juice! (We are in church, after all.)
I’ve seen firsthand how powerful this can be. In our young couples’ group, one pair shared about their financial struggles. Instead of just sympathizing, the group organized a budgeting workshop, shared money-saving tips, and even helped them find side gigs to increase their income. A year later, that couple was debt-free and teaching others about financial stewardship.
Living out our honest conversations isn’t always easy. It requires commitment, sacrifice, and sometimes stepping out of our comfort zones. But when we do, we create a community that doesn’t just talk about love; it shows it in tangible, life-changing ways.
So let’s not just be hearers of each other’s words but doers. Let’s create a ripple effect from the action that starts in our church and spreads into our communities. After all, isn’t that what being the Body of Christ is all about?
Remember, authenticity is the heartbeat of a true Christian community. It’s in our vulnerability that we find strength, in our listening that we show love, and in our actions that we demonstrate faith. So let’s commit to deeper connections, starting today.
Emmanuel Abimbola is a creative freelance writer, blogger, and web designer. He is a devout Christian with an uncompromising faith who hails from Ondo State in Nigeria, West Africa. As a lover of kids, Emmanuel runs a small elementary school in Arigidi, Nigeria.
When I was a child, my family was not built upon God but upon the world. As nice as it would’ve been to grow up with a deep knowledge of God and what He says about me, it simply didn’t happen this way. Sadly, many people across the world have the same childhood.
This can impact us in many ways, such as struggling to know our worth and never hearing the gospel in an understandable way. It wasn’t until I was in college that I finally heard the gospel and accepted Jesus as my Savior. Without going to the Bible college I went to, I might have never placed faith in Jesus. I certainly wasn’t going to learn about Jesus at home, which scares me to think about.
I think of all the people who never had the chance to go to a Bible college or hear the gospel elsewhere. This is a sad reality and one we as believers must take to heart. We need to do all we can to help others hear the gospel in a meaningful and relatable way. For parents, this can start at home and is found in building a family on the foundation of God.
Teaching Your Children About God
If we are going to build our family on God, we have to teach our children about Him. As I mentioned above, I had little to no knowledge about the Bible or God. This negatively impacted my life in many ways. I am more than thankful that I know Him now; however, I wish I had known Him sooner. If my family had been built upon God, it would have saved me much pain and hurt as I developed into an adult and determined where my true identity was rooted.
This is why it is vital to build our own families on God. Through teaching your children about God, it will lay a foundation for their future. Even if your children are younger, they can listen to teachings about God. Start with shorter Bible stories and grow into larger ones as they get older. If your children are already older, you can help them get more involved with personal Bible time and share the gospel with them through age-appropriate conversation.
It is important to share the gospel with your children, especially when they are old enough to understand the severity of sin, how they are a sinner in need of a Savior, and the saving grace of Jesus. Children who are below a certain age have no possible way of understanding the gospel, but it’s never too early for them to learn. Just as we place importance on introducing them to their shapes, colors, and ABCs, it’s all the more important that we introduce them to child-appropriate songs, picture books, and arts and crafts that share the truth of Christ’s sacrifice.
We should encourage our children to learn more about Jesus, but it’s vital to understand that we don’t need to force them to place faith in Him. This defeats the purpose of them coming to know Him freely. Instead of pushing them into a declaration of faith, we need to be more patient and allow them to make the decision themselves. Just because our children have not placed faith in Jesus by the age of ten doesn’t mean they will never place faith in Him. Let the Holy Spirit work in your child at His pace. After all, He knows what’s best for your child, even more than you do!
Remember, we are looking for a genuine conversion—not a forced or coerced conversion. Anything forced isn’t genuine and of the heart and will wither and fade from their lives. Give your child room and space to make their own personal decision. Simply teach them about the Father, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit as well as the Bible. This will lay a solid foundation for their knowledge of God and help them truly understand the gospel.
Implementing the Teachings of the Bible in Your Life
Building a family on God cannot be done apart from modeling biblical teachings in our lives. We need to model love, kindness, and forgiveness in our daily actions (Ephesians 4:32). Instead of embittering our children, we need to build them up (Colossians 3:21). In everything we do, we need to extend Jesus’ love in our actions and words. This will help our children see a biblical approach to life and how content and hopeful the family is because we follow God.
As Christians, a natural outpouring of our faith should be seen in the way we treat others, and this includes our families. Instead of being hateful, hurtful, or harmful to our children or spouse, we are loving, caring, and compassionate. Children can pick up on when we are not caring or interested in them. Try avoiding this mistake as it will cause your children to lose heart. If Mom and Dad don’t care about them, they will believe God doesn’t care either.
This is why we need to implement the Bible in our lives. If the Bible says to be kind, caring, loving, forgiving, and compassionate, then this is what we must do. Parenting comes with its own challenges, yet we should never take our frustrations out on our children. Of course, no parent is perfect, but we should be a true example of saying sorry, asking for forgiveness, and repenting of our mistakes.
Sharing the Importance of Following God
Once our children see how important God and the Bible are in our own lives, they will recognize the importance of following God. If your children have placed faith in Jesus, they will want to start following Him in a more intentional way just like Mom and Dad do. However, if your child has not placed faith in Jesus, you can still share the importance of following Him through your conversations and actions.
These attributes naturally cause your children to become more interested in the Lord. Instead of viewing Him as a “made-up” person or a “character,” they will start to see Him for who He is: the Lord Jesus Christ, who died for our sins (John 3:16-17). As you show your children mercy and grace, they will begin to see God as merciful and gracious. As you show faith, they will understand the beauty of believing in what they can’t see. With time, your children will want to learn more about following God and obeying Him in their own lives. By seeing how joy-filled Mom and Dad are by following God, they will also be excited to start following Him.
Building your family on God will take time and be sprinkled with trial and error, but your persistence in faith will come to fruition. A family built upon God is a powerful, enemy-scaring family, who delights in God’s law and love. It gives God great joy to know that His children are walking in truth, loving their children, and teaching them about Him. Your efforts and dedication to the Lord never go unnoticed.
Keep following God in your personal life and seek to build your family upon Him in everything you do. If building your family on God is a struggle right now, turn to God in prayer and ask for His help. Ask God to help your family be built upon Him and His Word. Acknowledge your dependence on Him and petition for Him to give you divine guidance into what you should do. He will give you instruction, wisdom, and comfort as you build your family on Him.
Vivian Bricker loves Jesus, studying the Word of God, and helping others in their walk with Christ. She has earned a Bachelor of Arts and Master’s degree in Christian Ministry with a deep academic emphasis in theology. Her favorite things to do are spending time with her family and friends, reading, and spending time outside. When she is not writing, she is embarking on other adventures.
Imagine you’re at a family gathering and there’s that one relative who always seems to push your buttons. They’re negative and judgmental and seem to thrive on creating drama. As you feel your blood pressure rise, you can’t help but wonder—how on earth are you supposed to love someone like that?
We’ve all been there, haven’t we? We are faced with people who test our patience, challenge our kindness, and make us question our capacity for love. As Christians, we’re called to love everyone, even those who seem unlovable. But let’s be honest—it’s not always easy.
Understanding God’s Unconditional Love
When we talk about loving the unlovable, we’re talking about mirroring God’s love for us. It’s a love that’s unconditional, unwavering, and often incomprehensible to our human minds. Think about it: God loves us not because we’re perfect, not because we’ve earned it, but simply because He chooses to.
The Apostle Paul puts it beautifully in Romans 5:8, “But God demonstrates his love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Let that sink in for a moment. God’s love for us isn’t dependent on our behavior or worthiness. It’s a love that reaches us even when we’re at our worst.
This divine love sets the standard for how we’re called to love others. It’s a high bar. But here’s the thing: we’re not expected to manufacture this love. Instead, we’re invited to tap into the endless well of God’s love, allowing it to flow through us to others.
Consider the most difficult person in your life right now. How might your perspective shift if you viewed them through the lens of God’s unconditional love? What if you saw them not as an annoyance or a burden but as someone deeply loved by their Creator?
It’s a paradigm shift that doesn’t happen overnight. It requires intentionality, practice, and a whole lot of grace – both for others and ourselves. But as we grow in our understanding of God’s love for us, we become better equipped to extend that love to others, even when it’s challenging.
The Mirror Effect: Recognizing Our Flaws
Here’s a truth that might sting a little: often, the traits that irritate us most in others are the very ones we struggle with ourselves. It’s like looking into a mirror and seeing our flaws reflected in us. Uncomfortable? Absolutely. But it’s also an opportunity for profound growth and self-reflection.
Jesus addresses this concept in Matthew 7:3-5, saying, “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.”
This passage isn’t about shaming us. Instead, it’s an invitation to honest self-examination. When irritated by someone’s behavior, it can be enlightening to ask ourselves, “Have I ever acted similarly? Do I sometimes display this trait that I find annoying in others?”
For example, maybe you have a coworker who constantly complains about everything. It drives you up the wall. But if you’re honest with yourself, you might realize you’ve been pretty negative lately too. Maybe not to the same extent, but the seed of that behavior is there.
Recognizing our flaws doesn’t excuse bad behavior in others. But it does foster empathy and compassion. It reminds us that we’re all works in progress and all in need of grace. And when we extend grace to others, we create space for our growth and healing.
So the next time you find yourself frustrated with someone’s behavior, try turning that frustration into a mirror. What might it be revealing about your own heart? How can you use this insight to grow in empathy and self-awareness?
The Power of Empathy: Walking in Their Shoes
Empathy is the ability to put ourselves in someone else’s shoes and try to understand their perspective, even when we don’t feel like it. And let me tell you, it can be transformative.
Think about Jesus for a moment. He was the embodiment of empathy. He didn’t just preach from a distance; he got down in the trenches with people. He ate with tax collectors and sinners, touched lepers, and spoke compassionately to those society had rejected. He understood people’s pain, their struggles, and their hopes.
In Hebrews 4:15, we’re reminded that Jesus can “empathize with our weaknesses” because He has faced the same temptations. That’s powerful stuff. It means that when we’re struggling, we have a Savior who gets and understands it too.
So how do we cultivate this kind of empathy for the difficult people in our lives? It starts with curiosity. Instead of immediately judging or dismissing someone’s behavior, we can ask ourselves: “What might be going on beneath the surface? What experiences or pain might be driving this person’s actions?”
Maybe that grumpy neighbor has been battling a chronic illness. Perhaps that critical family member grew up in a household where nothing was ever good enough. The rude customer service rep might be dealing with a personal crisis we know nothing about.
This doesn’t mean we excuse hurtful behavior. But understanding the potential ‘why’ behind someone’s actions can soften our hearts and help us respond with grace rather than frustration.
Practicing empathy also involves active listening. It means setting aside our agenda and hearing what the other person is saying—and what they’re not saying. It means being present, showing genuine interest, and responding with compassion.
Remember, empathy isn’t about fixing people or their problems. It’s about creating a safe space where people feel seen, heard, and valued. And often, that’s exactly what the ‘difficult’ people in our lives need most.
The Art of Boundaries: Loving Without Enabling
Now, here’s where things get a bit tricky. Loving the unlovable doesn’t mean becoming a doormat or enabling harmful behavior. Sometimes the most loving thing we can do is set clear, firm boundaries.
Jesus, our ultimate example of love, wasn’t afraid to set boundaries. He often withdrew from crowds to pray and rest (Luke 5:16). He confronted the Pharisees when their actions were harmful (Matthew 23). He even told His disciples to shake the dust off their feet and move on when their message wasn’t received (Matthew 10:14).
Boundaries are not walls that shut people out. They’re more like fences with gates—they protect what’s important while allowing for connection. They define what’s okay and what’s not in our relationships. And when implemented with love and respect, they can strengthen our ability to love difficult people.
So what might this look like in practice? It could mean limiting the time you spend with a toxic relative. It might involve communicating your expectations to a friend who consistently cancels plans at the last minute. Or it could mean removing yourself from a situation where someone is being verbally abusive.
The key is to set boundaries with love, not anger or resentment. It’s about saying, “I care about you, AND I also need to take care of myself.” It’s about valuing the relationship while also valuing your well-being.
Setting boundaries can initially feel uncomfortable, especially if you’re not used to it. But remember, it’s not unloving to have limits. Healthy boundaries can create the safe space needed for real love and growth to flourish.
And here’s a beautiful thing: as we learn to set healthy boundaries, we often find that our capacity to love difficult people increases. We’re no longer drained by toxic interactions, so we have more energy to extend grace and compassion.
Cultivating Love Through Spiritual Disciplines
Loving the unlovable isn’t a one-time decision – it’s a journey of growth. And like any journey, it requires preparation, practice, and perseverance. This is where spiritual disciplines come into play. These practices help us cultivate a heart open to loving difficult people.
Prayer is a powerful tool in this journey. It’s not just about asking God to change the difficult person (although that’s okay too!). It’s about asking God to change our hearts. To help us see others as He sees them. To fill us with His love so we can pour it out to others.
In Matthew 5:44, Jesus gives us a challenging command: “But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.” Praying for difficult people can be transformative. It’s hard to hold onto resentment when you’re consistently lifting someone up in prayer.
Another helpful practice is meditation on Scripture. Dwelling on passages about God’s love and forgiveness can reshape our thinking and soften our hearts. Verses like Ephesians 4:32 – “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you” – can become powerful mantras in our interactions with difficult people.
Fasting can also play a role in this journey. When we fast, we’re reminded of our dependence on God and our limitations. This humility can make us more open to extending grace to others.
Practicing gratitude is another powerful discipline. When we focus on the blessings in our lives, including the growth opportunities that difficult relationships provide, our perspective shifts. We become more aware of God’s grace in our own lives, making it easier to extend that grace to others.
Remember, these spiritual disciplines aren’t about earning God’s love or becoming “good enough” to love difficult people. They’re about positioning ourselves to receive and reflect God’s love more fully.
As we engage in these practices, we’ll likely find that loving the unlovable becomes less of a struggle and more of a natural outflow of our relationship with God. It’s a gradual process with plenty of ups and downs along the way. But each step forward is a victory worth celebrating.
I love the unlovable, challenging path, no doubt about it. It’s a challenge that goes against our instincts. It requires intentionality, perseverance, and a whole lot of grace—both for others and for ourselves.
But here’s the beautiful thing: as we step out in faith to love those who are hard to love, we open ourselves up to profound transformation. We begin to see others—and ourselves—through God’s eyes. We grow in empathy, compassion, and emotional maturity. We become living testimonies to the power of God’s love.
And who knows? Our act of extending grace might be the very thing that sparks change in a difficult person. Romans 12:20 reminds us, “If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.” This isn’t about revenge but about the transformative power of unexpected kindness.
So, the next time you’re faced with that button-pushing relative, that irritating coworker, or that challenging neighbor, remember—this is your opportunity to reflect God’s love deeply. It won’t be easy, but it will be worth it. Because in the end, love never fails (1 Corinthians 13:8).
Let’s commit to being people who love extravagantly, who extend grace generously, and who see the image of God even in the most difficult individuals. In doing so, we not only change our relationships—we change the world, one act of love at a time.
Emmanuel Abimbola is a creative freelance writer, blogger, and web designer. He is a devout Christian with an uncompromising faith who hails from Ondo State in Nigeria, West Africa. As a lover of kids, Emmanuel runs a small elementary school in Arigidi, Nigeria.
Friendship is a cherished gift from God, providing companionship, support, and a sense of belonging. As Christians, it is essential to cultivate friendships that are rooted in our faith and centered on God’s love. Building and maintaining God-centered relationships can enrich our spiritual journey and strengthen our walk with Christ. In this article, we will explore the importance of Christian friendship, the qualities that define a God-centered relationship, and practical steps to nurture and sustain these valuable connections.
Christian friendship plays a vital role in our lives, offering emotional support, accountability, and spiritual growth. The Bible highlights the significance of friendship in numerous passages, underscoring the value of having trusted companions who share our faith and values. Proverbs 27:17 (NIV) states, “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.” This verse emphasizes the mutual encouragement and growth that come from God-centered friendships.
Emotional Support and Encouragement
Life’s journey is filled with challenges, and having a Christian friend to lean on can provide immense comfort. In times of sorrow, joy, doubt, and triumph, a true friend offers a listening ear and a compassionate heart. Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 (NIV) reminds us, “Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up.” Christian friends uplift each other, providing strength and encouragement to face life’s trials with faith.
Accountability and Spiritual Growth
Christian friendship also serves as a source of accountability. Proverbs 27:6 (NIV) says, “Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.” True friends speak the truth in love, gently correcting and guiding us when we stray from God’s path. This accountability helps us grow spiritually, keeping us grounded in our faith and encouraging us to pursue a deeper relationship with God.
Qualities of a God-Centered Friendship
God-centered friendships are characterized by specific qualities that reflect Christ’s love and teachings. Understanding these qualities can help us build and maintain relationships that honor God and strengthen our faith.
Mutual Love and Respect
At the heart of a God-centered friendship is mutual love and respect. Jesus taught us to love one another as He has loved us (John 13:34-35, NIV). This love is selfless, sacrificial, and unconditional. It involves putting the needs of our friends above our own and treating them with kindness, respect, and compassion. In a God-centered friendship, both parties value and honor each other, fostering an environment of trust and support.
Shared Faith and Values
A strong foundation for Christian friendship is shared faith and values. Amos 3:3 (NIV) asks, “Do two walk together unless they have agreed to do so?” When friends share a common faith in Christ and similar values, they can encourage and support each other in their spiritual journey. This shared foundation provides a sense of unity and purpose, enabling friends to grow together in their relationship with God.
Encouragement and Accountability
God-centered friendships are marked by encouragement and accountability. Hebrews 10:24-25 (NIV) urges us, “And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.” Friends who encourage and hold each other accountable help each other stay committed to their faith and live out their Christian values.
Building God-Centered Friendships
Building God-centered friendships requires intentional effort and a commitment to fostering relationships that honor God.
Here are some practical steps to help you cultivate meaningful and lasting Christian friendships:
Seek Like-Minded Believers
To build God-centered friendships, it is essential to seek out like-minded believers who share your faith and values. Get involved in your church community, join small groups or Bible studies, and participate in Christian events and activities. These settings provide opportunities to meet and connect with fellow believers who are also seeking to build God-centered relationships.
Prioritize Quality Time
Building strong friendships requires spending quality time together. Make an effort to prioritize time with your friends, engaging in activities that foster connection and growth. Whether it’s attending church services together, having meaningful conversations over coffee, or participating in service projects, investing time in your friendships strengthens the bond and deepens your relationship.
Be Vulnerable and Authentic
Authenticity is crucial in God-centered friendships. Be willing to share your struggles, doubts, and joys with your friends, allowing them to see the real you. Vulnerability fosters trust and intimacy, creating a safe space for mutual support and encouragement. James 5:16 (NIV) encourages us to “confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.” Being open and honest with your friends allows for deeper connections and spiritual growth.
Pray Together
Prayer is a powerful tool in building and maintaining God-centered friendships. Praying together strengthens your bond and invites God’s presence into your relationship. Matthew 18:20 (NIV) says, “For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them.” Make it a habit to pray with and for your friends, lifting each other up in prayer and seeking God’s guidance and blessings for your lives.
Serve Together
Serving others together is an excellent way to strengthen your God-centered friendships. Participate in volunteer activities, mission trips, or community service projects as a team. Serving others not only deepens your bond but also aligns your friendship with Christ’s example of selfless love and service. Galatians 5:13 (NIV) reminds us, “Serve one another humbly in love.”
Maintaining God-Centered Friendships
Maintaining God-centered friendships requires ongoing effort and intentionality.
Here are some practical tips to help you sustain and nurture these valuable relationships:
Communicate Regularly
Consistent communication is vital in maintaining strong friendships. Stay in touch with your friends through regular phone calls, texts, or meet-ups. Share updates about your life, discuss your spiritual journey, and offer encouragement and support. Regular communication helps you stay connected and reinforces the bond you share.
Practice Forgiveness and Grace
No friendship is without its challenges. Disagreements and misunderstandings are inevitable, but practicing forgiveness and grace is essential in maintaining God-centered relationships. Ephesians 4:32 (NIV) instructs us, “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” Extend grace to your friends, be quick to forgive, and seek reconciliation when conflicts arise.
Celebrate Milestones and Achievements
Celebrate the milestones and achievements of your friends, both big and small. Acknowledge their successes, offer words of encouragement, and share in their joy. Romans 12:15 (NIV) encourages us to “Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.” Celebrating each other’s accomplishments strengthens your bond and demonstrates your genuine care and support.
Encourage Spiritual Growth
Encouraging each other’s spiritual growth is a fundamental aspect of maintaining God-centered friendships. Share insights from your Bible study, discuss sermons, and engage in conversations about faith. Challenge each other to grow in your relationship with God and hold each other accountable in your spiritual walk. Colossians 3:16 (NIV) advises, “Let the message of Christ dwell among you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom.”
Be Present in Times of Need
Life’s difficulties are inevitable, and being present for your friends during challenging times is crucial. Offer a listening ear, provide practical help, and pray for them. Galatians 6:2 (NIV) encourages us to “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way, you will fulfill the law of Christ.” Your presence and support can provide immense comfort and strength to your friends during difficult seasons.
Christian friendship is a precious gift that enriches our lives and strengthens our faith. Building and maintaining God-centered relationships requires intentional effort, mutual love and respect, and a shared commitment to grow in Christ. By seeking like-minded believers, prioritizing quality time, being vulnerable and authentic, praying together, and serving together, we can cultivate meaningful and lasting friendships that honor God. As we maintain these relationships through regular communication, forgiveness, celebration, encouragement, and support, we can experience the profound blessings of God-centered friendships and continue to grow in our walk with Christ.
J. Lila Donovan is a content creator passionate about sharing faith-based insights and encouragement. When she’s not writing, you can find her being a bookworm, creating art, or spending quality time with her loved ones.
I’ll never forget more than twenty years ago when I went to a women’s conference with thousands of ladies. I had no idea what God had in store for me at that gathering of women from all over the world. I thought it was just a conference. I had no idea my life would be changed. I think heaven smiles when we gather together. It was at this conference that God spoke to my heart about leaving the broadcast news industry that I loved, asking me to join my husband in ministry. The sermon wasn’t on a related topic, and if I’m honest, I don’t even remember the theme of the conference. But I do remember what God spoke to my heart in that crowd of women.
As soon as I got home, I shared with my husband what God had spoken to me, and he was shocked. He had always celebrated my dreams and encouraged me to pursue them. But as I look back almost two decades later, it was one of the best decisions of my entire life. We’re leading a growing, beautiful, diverse, global, life-giving church together. And every gift and skill I have, I learned from taking steps in that direction.
We’re not just called to gather on a large scale like a conference. We’re also called to gather in our daily lives.
I have three amazing children, and there are eleven years between the youngest and oldest. I had an elementary school kid, a middle schooler, and a high schooler all at one time. Because of their age range, I’ve had the opportunity to come alongside so many moms to be a mentor and big sister. No matter the season you’re in, gathering with other women on similar journeys, women who have gone before you, or even women who are younger than you is a game changer. It keeps the fire burning in you, prevents you from being isolated, and helps you maintain perspective no matter how challenging the season is. In gathering, we get to find out what is considered a normal experience and ask for advice about specific situations. In gathering, we’re strengthened and we grow.
We as women are often under siege. Different arrows are shot at us every single day. The world is fighting to make us forget our value, our worth, and our voice. We’re under attack from the moment we’re born. Girls form cliques in elementary school, already exhibiting exclusionary behavior and assigning worth based on social status. Do you ever wonder why the Enemy starts attacking women so early with comparison and jealousy? It’s because of the power of gathering.
Even though women are under siege, the power of sisterhood is saying, “I’m in this with you.” We’re not going to conform to the world’s standard of womanhood. We’re not going to be like many women portrayed on reality TV shows. God bless them—they’re amazing. But we’re not going to be yelling at one another, pulling one another’s hair, backbiting, stealing one another’s husbands, and talking about one another’s kids. That’s not our message.
The world is also pushing us to isolate ourselves, especially when we’re going through a tough time. A spirit of isolation seems to exist in our society. But it’s a lying spirit. Honestly, we would never have to leave the house if we didn’t want to. I’m not mad about some conveniences like Amazon Prime. I’m not mad that I can just get on my computer and Band-Aids are delivered to my door in two hours. I’m not mad that I can order groceries online, tip the driver four dollars, and avoid the commotion in a grocery store with three kids. I’m not mad about that.
But with all this convenience, the structure of our world makes us think that we don’t need one another.
You can do everything from your phone. You can do everything by yourself. You can practically exist in a virtual reality. The Enemy wants the spirit of isolation to permeate our society because destructive habits form when you’re alone too much. When you’re alone, you feel like nobody else is hurting like you’re hurting. When you’re alone, you feel like your pain is the heaviest you could possibly imagine. When you’re alone, you feel like you’re the only one whose marriage is struggling. When you’re alone, you feel like the only one who feels overweight. When you’re alone, you feel like the only one who’s not going to get a promotion. That’s why so much power exists in the gathering of women.
Gather to Belong
We all are fighting isolation now, some more than others. Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 says, “Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble.” We’re not called to be in isolation. We need physical touch, we need to lock eyes, and we need to be around one another. Community gives life. If you watch National Geographic or study animals, you know they roll deep in herds because when an animal is alone, it’s vulnerable to attack. You’ve seen those animal documentaries where, out of the blue, a cheetah snatches a lone creature and disappears. But when herds stay tight, the predators can’t attack them. So we roll deep as a sisterhood. Our gathering pushes away the Enemy.
Getting out of a dark place is much harder when you’re alone. We’re all going to fall. We’re human, and we don’t have to be perfect. You’re going to fall. But the key is having someone grab your hand and say, “Girl, get back up. I know who you are. I know that you’re not called to make those choices, and I’m going to pray with you until we watch that breakthrough come. We’re going to go to church, we’re listening to podcasts, we’re going to therapy and counseling, and we’re going to worship together until we cross over to victory together.”
Ecclesiastes 4 has more wisdom for us: “A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken” (verse 12). We are women who are not easily broken because we are women who can say, “I’m a part of a sisterhood. I’m a part of a triple-braided cord.”
Your finances aren’t going to break you. Your relationships aren’t going to break you. Your fears aren’t going to break you. Your insecurities aren’t going to break you. Because you will be supported and encouraged in the sisterhood. We all find belonging when we allow ourselves to live in community with the beautiful and messy people God’s placed around us. We’re called to gather.
The world is getting dark. But a companion can help you bear the darkness and carry the weight of the world. We come together to give one another hope and to speak life. We don’t have to have it all together. I sure don’t. As I write this chapter, my toes aren’t even polished! I don’t remember the last time I had a pedicure. I haven’t had time. Don’t get me one. Really, I don’t need you to get me one. But if you were to look closely at my toes, you would think, Bless her.
Jesus shows up when we gather.
But here’s the deal: we don’t have to have it all together.
One of my weeks a few years ago was really crazy. Earl had knee surgery so that he can dunk more because he loves basketball and also so that he can run around with our kids. In the previous chapter, I talked about being crowned to serve. Well, I earned a couple of crowns that week as I ran around to make sure Earl had everything he needed. I even asked him, “Do you feel I’m doing a good job?” Because you know how you sometimes can feel like you’ve taken care of someone well, but they still need more? Part of you might think, Wow, okay. I guess I don’t have anything to do but serve you. I’m just being honest. So I said, “Earl, do you feel taken care of? Do you feel like I’m leaning into you? Do you feel good?” And he said, “Yes, you’ve been amazing.” I was so relieved! That was a crazy week. But I knew that if I could just get to church and be surrounded by the sisterhood of all my girls and if I could just sit in God’s presence, God would meet me there, and He absolutely did. I know that He’s meeting you right now too.
You don’t have to do life alone.
From Earl’s knee surgery to sending my oldest child to college, I wouldn’t have survived without community. Meals, encouraging texts, advice from other moms who have launched their kids—all of this has buffered this season with grace and strength. I’m passionate about this: You don’t have to go it alone.
Sadly, many of us have been hurt in community and are afraid to trust again. I first want to say I’m so sorry for the pain you’ve experienced—it makes sense why you want to skip this chapter. But can I tell you I’ve been hurt too? I’ve been misunderstood. I’ve been betrayed by friends who I thought would never turn their back on me. I prayed and allowed God to heal my broken heart. Was it awful? Yes. Was it hard? Yes. But I will tell you God has healed my heart. Though it did take time. I decided I’m going to love big and trust again and allow new friends and healed friends to surround me. I say all this to say that when we’re surrounded by the right healthy people, we’re strengthened, encouraged, and able to make it through almost anything.
Gather in the Good and Bad Times
We’re called to gather when we’re burning in the furnace of trouble. When the heat is turned up, we’re still called to come together.
When fire’s coming from everywhere, and we think, Could this situation possibly get any worse? Could the fire possibly get any hotter? Could life possibly get any more difficult?—guess what? We’re still called to gather. In the good times and in the bad.
In the book of Exodus, we get a fascinating look at the power of women working shoulder to shoulder during the time when Israel was enslaved to Egypt:
Pharaoh, the king of Egypt, gave this order to the Hebrew midwives, Shiphrah and Puah: “When you help the Hebrew women as they give birth, watch as they deliver. If the baby is a boy, kill him; if it is a girl, let her live.” But because the midwives feared God, they refused to obey the king’s orders. They allowed the boys to live, too.
So the king of Egypt called for the midwives. “Why have you done this?” he demanded. “Why have you allowed the boys to live?”
“The Hebrew women are not like the Egyptian women,” the mid-wives replied. “They are more vigorous and have their babies so quickly that we cannot get there in time.”
So God was good to the midwives, and the Israelites continued to multiply, growing more and more powerful. And because the midwives feared God, he gave them families of their own. (1:15–21)
I love how these two midwives used their position to protect the next generation. They didn’t let the king stop them from being used by God. That is so powerful. Who are you supposed to gather with at your job, at your school, in your neighborhood? Don’t underestimate the power of gathering.
There’s a plan and a purpose for every woman created. We’re reminding the women of the world that God hasn’t forgotten about them and that He will never leave them or forsake them. That is the power of sisterhood. That is the power of gathering. Together, we push against the current.
When others judge, we love. When others gossip, we speak life. When others ignore, we lean in. We are that sisterhood. We are those girls. Speak this over yourself: “I’m that girl.” When you understand the power of a gathering of women,
you’ll be expectant about what God can do in your life, what miracles He can do on your behalf, and what battles He can fight. An old African proverb says, “If you want to go fast, go alone. But if you want to go far, go together.” We as a sisterhood go together. We’re going to go farther. We’re not alone. We’re for one another. We believe in one another. We speak life into one another. We’re one another’s cheerleaders. You can cheer in a skirt or combat boots as long as you’re cheering for somebody. We believe that we’re called to do exceedingly abundantly more than we could ever ask, think, or imagine. But we can’t let one another make the journey alone; we need to say, “You know what? I’m going with you.” If you’re reading this, we’re in this life together. You’re not alone.
Gather with the Presence
Finally, Matthew 18:20 says, “Where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them” (NIV). God is here right now with you, He is here in your storm, and He is here to bring break-through. Whatever fire you’re facing, whatever storm, I’m believing that heaven is going to invade Earth on your behalf.
We come from a long line of women who gathered with purpose and power. Deborah and Jael double-teamed the enemy and took him down. And as we saw in the last chapter, Mary Magdalene, Joanna, Susanna, and many other women helped fund Jesus’s ministry. I think about the women who gathered around the tomb to prepare Jesus’s body for burial. All throughout Scripture, we see how when women gather together, God shows up. Hebrews 12 tells us that we’re surrounded by a cloud of witnesses and urges us to throw off everything that hinders and entangles us. When we gather together, we help one another throw down weights that would try to hold us back.
If you’ve had trouble finding an amazing church or healthy community, I encourage you to start a neighborhood or online Bible study. Maybe consider starting an office Bible study or workout group. If you’re in school, consider asking a few girls to work out with you or do a book study together. You can form the community you’re craving. Another great way to meet people is to volunteer in your community. You will be surprised by the women you meet outside your comfort zone.
Oneka McClellan, author ofBorn Royal, is a writer, speaker, and lead pastor with her husband, Earl, of Shoreline City Church in Dallas, Texas. The McClellans are also co-hosts of the podcast With So Much Love, E+O. Passionate about sisterhood, Oneka challenges the way women think about themselves and encourages them to unite to bring goodness to the world. She has appeared on TBN and speaks frequently at churches and events. She and Earl are the parents of three children.
Many of us grow up in families where our parents do not treat us very well. We are emotionally abused; however, we are not physically abused. Due to not being physically abused, many people do not take our concerns seriously because our “safety was never at risk.” If a person undergoes any type of abuse, it is damaging and painful. If a person was not physically abused, that does not mean they did not undergo trauma or lasting pain.
Emotional abuse is just as dangerous and harmful as physical abuse. While some people might argue with me, they cannot understand the pain unless they have actually gone through emotional abuse themselves. As someone who has gone through emotional abuse by my parents, I can share that it is extremely painful and traumatizing and has affected my life in the worst ways possible. Instead of being in a home of love and safety, I was constantly afraid of who was going to yell at me, get upset with me, or insult me.
I love both of my parents; however, I am not sure that they ever loved me because their actions and words showed the exact opposite. Rather than having parents who supported me in my struggles, my parents demonized me, yelled at me, and seemed to hate me.
From the trauma of my teenage years, I had to seek therapy as an adult. Through therapy, I have learned how to process these traumatic experiences. Part of processing these experiences is grieving the relationship I wanted to have with my parents. By taking time to grieve, I have been able to move forward in the healing process, and I now can help others who are going through similar situations.
If you are finding yourself in a similar place, know that there is help out there. Through therapy, turning to God, and support from other believers, you can live an abundant life (John 10:10). Life is yours for the taking, and there is no room for the pain of the past to hold you back any longer.
All of Your Pain Is Valid
Before we move forward, I want you to know that all of your pain is valid. Being emotionally abused and destroyed by your parents is extremely painful. I have likened my own pain to feeling as though you are being swallowed by the ocean. Each time my parents would get mad at me or say a hurtful word, I wanted to allow the giant sea waves to engulf me. In this way, I could finally escape.
I want you to know that feeling angry, hurt, and even bitter is understandable. We’re human. There is no timeline as to when you will heal from this pain, but friend, rest in the knowledge that peace is possible. Lasting peace is found in the Lord (John 14:27). As I have been processing my pain, I have seen that God is all I need. My mother and father have forsaken me, but the Lord receives me (Psalm 27:10). The Lord will receive you too, welcoming you with open arms.
As you are healing from the hurt inflicted by your parents, you will benefit from added resources like therapy. Christian therapy is ideal; however, if there are no Christian therapists in your area, a regular therapist should be able to help too. Therapy is beneficial to healing from emotional abuse as it gives us a safe place to express our feelings, share them, and seek out help. Much of my own healing has been through therapy, and I cannot recommend it enough.
Through therapy, you can learn how to replace the hurtful words of your parents with the truth of the Bible. Whenever you are tempted to dwell on a hurtful comment, a manipulative statement, or an insult, choose to turn to God. Open up your Bible, reflect on what God says, and allow it to change your heart. Choose to listen to God instead of your parents. He is the One who loves you with a perfect love and wants the best for your life.
Our Parents’ Non-Existent Love Versus God’s Unconditional Love
As children, we normally build our parents up to be untouchable. They are our biggest heroes until they hurt us one day. After this first hurt, it seems to start a domino effect where we grow up understanding just how imperfect our parents are. My parents have both said hurtful words to me, which will never be forgotten. While I have forgiven them, I will never forget these words and the pain they have caused me.
Due to my parents’ emotional abuse, I developed self-hate, low self-esteem, and a negative self-image. Each of these things created the perfect storm for the development of depression, anxiety, and an eating disorder. I have not truly recovered from any of these mental health concerns, and to be honest, I’m not sure if I ever will. If your parents convince you that you are unlovable, not worthy, and not valuable, how then can you ever expect to feel good about yourself?
I have often posed the question, “If my own parents don’t love me, who will?” Maybe you have also battled with this question. Personally, it has kept me up more nights than I would like to admit. The good news is that God loves us (John 3:16). Even if our parents don’t love us, God does, and His love is unshakable. The love He has for us will never be broken.
The Apostle Paul tells us, “No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord” (Romans 8:37-39). This means that nothing can separate us from the love of God, which is found in Jesus Christ.
Our parents may have made us feel unlovable, unworthy, and not valuable, but we are lovable, worthy, and valuable because God tells us we are. Our parents have failed us, yet God never will. Choose to reflect on God’s love instead of your parents’ love. Once you can start doing this, everything will pale in comparison to the fulfillment and acceptance you receive from God.
Learning to Let Go and Trust God with the Future
Part of moving forward is letting go and forgiving our parents. Forgiveness is hard, yet it is something that God wants us to do (Ephesians 4:32). We already have to carry around the pain of our past. We don’t need to force ourselves to carry grudges against our parents too. Give all of the pain, hurt, and unforgiveness over to God. He will give you lasting relief and healing.
This is what I discovered must be done because the longer I held onto the pain, the more it controlled me. Once we can let go and give matters over to God, we can move forward with the future God has for us.
As soon as we are truly moving forward in God’s plans for our lives, we will see how much our parents were wrong about us. We are lovable, and many people will find great joy in our presence. There will be people who love us and will want to support us in our healing journey. Through the love of friends, brothers and sisters in Christ, and a partner, God will help us to know we are loved. Never do we need to doubt the measures He will go to help us know we are loved by Him.
Look to the Lord today and allow Him to heal your broken heart (Psalm 147:3). Your parents might have destroyed you, but this is not the end of your story. It is only the beginning. There will be struggles along the way, but you can trust God. He loves you far beyond measure. As a beloved child of God, you can trust Him with your future.
Vivian Bricker loves Jesus, studying the Word of God, and helping others in their walk with Christ. She has earned a Bachelor of Arts and Master’s degree in Christian Ministry with a deep academic emphasis in theology. Her favorite things to do are spending time with her family and friends, reading, and spending time outside. When she is not writing, she is embarking on other adventures.
After a rough spot in marriage, it is common to feel as though you may have married the wrong person. Once you see the way they handle conflicts or how they get irritable after a long day, it is easy to think you vowed yourself to a person you don’t even know.
Although this is a hard question to come to terms with, most married people have asked this question to themselves after they have been married. Varying from the first few months of marriage to a few years in, I have had many friends wonder if they made the wrong decision when they chose their spouse.
Now, if you are married to someone and they are abusing you in any way, you do need to leave. In this case, you can be assured you did marry the wrong person. This is not the person God wants for you. He wants you to marry someone who loves you as He loves the Church (Ephesians 5:21-32). If your spouse is abusing you, whether emotionally, physically, or sexually, it is time to leave and file divorce papers.
However, if you are just going through a rough patch in your marriage, it does not mean you have married the wrong person. All of us are fallen and we all fall short of the glory of God (Romans 3:23). This means that we all do bad things, and this includes our spouse. It can be hurtful when our spouse forgets something important to us or when they get frustrated after a long day at work, but these things alone do not mean that we married the wrong person.
Did I Ruin God’s Will for My Life?
As mentioned, just because your spouse messes up sometimes and has emotional problems that they need to deal with doesn’t mean you have married the wrong person. Most of the time when someone is worried about marrying the wrong person, it is because they think they have ruined God’s will for their life. Know that this is not true and you are exactly where God wants you to be. Your spouse still loves you despite their forgetfulness, emotional struggles, or distress after a long work day.
Many of us think that our spouses are perfect. As women, we especially have a habit of building our husbands up in a way that makes them untouchable. Unfortunately, our husbands are not perfect. They are fallen sinners just like us. Since they are sinners and we are sinners, it is not surprising that we run into problems. Thankfully, we are not left alone in our struggles and troubles.
We can turn to God when we are having trouble in our marriage and lean on Him for support. Start praying for each other and consider doing Christian marriage counseling if you think it will be beneficial. If you and your spouse are having a hard time communicating and working through issues, Christian marriage counseling could be the perfect thing for your marriage. You don’t have to wait for something detrimental to happen, like infidelity, to start Christian marriage counseling—you can start now and begin working through present issues that pertain to your marriage.
Your spouse is your spouse—he is not a knight in shining armor. He has faults and flaws just as we all do. Remember this when you are thinking you have married the wrong person. Sometimes it can be helpful if we self-reflect too. Rather than passing the blame on our spouse, we need to look at our own faults and flaws.
Once we can do this, we will start to show more grace. Maybe your spouse has a bad habit of not communicating their needs properly. Instead of getting upset with them, talk matters out with them and help them learn how to communicate their needs better with you. Once again, this is also a great opportunity to get started with Christian marriage counseling. Christian marriage counseling can do wonders for your marriage and help you know that you have, indeed, married the right person. There just might be a few communication issues getting in the way.
How Can I Be Sure I Married the Right Person?
In addition to seeking out Christian marriage counseling, you can also turn to God with your concerns. He always needs to be the first One we turn to. God has a way of showing you all the wonderful reasons you married your spouse when you are doubtful. Maybe it is his smile, the way he makes you laugh, or the way he makes you feel safe. Reflect on the reasons you married your spouse and all the ways they have been there for you and supported you.
When you married your spouse, you were certain he or she was the one. Wives, if you are doubtful of your husband now, think about all the things you love about him. Husbands, if you are doubtful of your wife, reflect on all the things you love about her. Doing this practice daily can help you show more grace to your spouse and ensure you clear up any doubts in your mind.
Despite the false reality being presented on social media, nobody’s marriage is perfect. Everyone has their own struggles and troubles when it comes to marriage. This is because we live in a fallen world and, sadly, even our spouses can hurt our feelings or behave immaturely. Rather than allowing these wounds to stay open and fester, talk matters over with your spouse. In other words, if they have hurt your feelings, find a respectful way to tell them your concerns upfront.
It is much better to talk about problems rather than suppressing them. Be open with your spouse and this will help cultivate a better marriage rooted in honesty. God wants you to communicate with your spouse and continue to cultivate your marriage. Your marriage is built upon God, which can help give you strength when the days are hard.
Is it Even Possible to Marry the Wrong Person?
While it is possible to marry the wrong person, it is not likely unless your spouse is abusing you or being unfaithful to you. If any of these willfully deceitful and manipulative things are happening, it’s best to reassess the situation. However, if your spouse is just showing a few errors in their life or a few areas of struggle, it just means we live in a fallen world and our spouse isn’t perfect.
It is hard to come to this realization, but the sooner we realize our spouse is flawed, the sooner it will help our marriages become stronger. You and your spouse can improve your marriage by pushing each other to follow Jesus more in your everyday life. Through encouraging and building each other up, your marriage will grow as you will both depend more on God.
Marriage takes hard work, energy, and effort. Sadly, marriage is not happily ever after because that would mean it was simple. In order to have a beautiful marriage, both spouses have to be willing to put in the work. This means that you and your spouse will consistently search out ways to better follow Jesus and extend His love in your marriage. There will be days when you will be angry or frustrated with your spouse, but you have to choose compassion and grace.
Lean on support from the Lord and go to Him in prayer. Allow Him to help you and give you guidance for the future. You did not marry the wrong person just because you are having difficulties now. In a few years, you will look back and see how you and your spouse have grown in your marriage. While marriage will still be difficult at times, you will be better equipped to work through the problems with the help of God.
Vivian Bricker loves Jesus, studying the Word of God, and helping others in their walk with Christ. She has earned a Bachelor of Arts and Master’s degree in Christian Ministry with a deep academic emphasis in theology. Her favorite things to do are spending time with her family and friends, reading, and spending time outside. When she is not writing, she is embarking on other adventures.
When you lose a spouse, it’s like losing a part of yourself. Your partner was the person you shared everything with—your joys, fears, and daily routines. The absence of that emotional support can feel like a gaping hole in your heart. Those quiet moments, like sharing a morning coffee or discussing your day before bed, become stark reminders of your loss.
You might find yourself talking to their photograph or memory, yearning for those intimate conversations. It’s perfectly natural to miss those small yet significant interactions. Psalm 34:18 says, “The Lord is near unto them that are of a broken heart, and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit.” This verse reassures us that even in our deepest sorrow, God is close and offering us comfort and understanding.
Social loneliness is another layer to this grief. Activities that once brought you joy now highlight your solitude. Fun and basic activities such as going to church, attending family gatherings, or participating in social events can be painful because your spouse is no longer by your side. And no matter how you try to mask it when you’re in public, the sight of couples or families can intensify your feelings of isolation.
So, it’s important to recognize these feelings and permit yourself to grieve. Surround yourself with supportive friends and family who understand your loss. Remember, Galatians 6:2 says, “Bear ye one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.” Sharing your feelings with others can lighten the heavy load of loneliness.
Losing a spouse can even impact your spiritual life. You might find yourself questioning God or struggling to feel His presence. This spiritual loneliness can make you feel spiritually disconnected.
In these moments of doubt, it’s helpful to remember that questioning and seeking understanding are part of the journey. The Scripture says in Proverbs 3:5, “Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.” It’s okay to struggle and seek answers, but keep trusting that God has a purpose, even when it’s hard to see.
Finding Comfort and Hope
When dealing with loneliness after losing a spouse, it is important to be kind to yourself and allow yourself to feel and process your emotions. Seek support from friends, family, and your faith community. Remember that God is always with you, even in your darkest hours.
As you navigate this challenging time, lean on the words of the Bible for comfort and strength. Cling to God’s promise in Matthew 5:4, “Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted.” This promise reminds us that comfort and peace will come, even during our deepest sorrow.
Dealing with the loss of a spouse is incredibly tough, and finding solace in faith can be a powerful way to navigate this challenging time.
Here are some thoughtful ways to get through this feeling:
1. Lean on Your Faith and Trust in God
Losing a spouse can shake you to your core, making it hard to see beyond the pain. But remember, Psalm 34:18 says, “The Lord is near unto them that are of a broken heart, and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit.” Trusting that God has a plan, even when it’s hard to understand, can bring comfort. Spend time in prayer and read your Bible regularly. Let His words be a lamp for your feet during these dark times.
2. Connect with Your Church Community
Isolation can make loneliness worse, but God doesn’t want you to go through this alone. Remember, the church is not only a place to worship but also a family because we believers have been tasked with this duty and responsibility in Galatians 6:2: “Bear ye one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.” Therefore, in your time of grief, do not hesitate to reach out to fellow believers, join small Christly groups, and engage in church activities. Having a circle of encouraging friends around you can uplift your mood and be a constant reminder that you are not alone.
3. Embrace New Routines and Hobbies
After losing your spouse, your daily life changes drastically. It’s now important that you find new routines and interests to fill the void. The Bible says in Ecclesiastes 3:1, “To everything, there is a season and a time to every purpose under the heaven.” So, whether it’s volunteering, gardening, painting, or any other hobby, endeavor to find joy in new activities, as doing so will help ease your feeling of loneliness. These activities can also be a way to honor your spouse’s memory by doing something they loved or that you both enjoyed together.
4. Seek Professional and Pastoral Support
Grief can be overwhelming in a time like this, and sometimes, talking to a professional counselor or your pastor can be incredibly beneficial. That is why Proverbs 11:14 says, “Where no counsel is, the people fall, but in the multitude of counselors there is safety.” A Christian therapist can provide you with the necessary tools to help you cope with your grief while keeping your faith at the center of your healing process. Also, pastors can offer spiritual guidance, pray with you, and help you find peace in God’s promises.
5. Reflect on Happy Memories
I understand that losing someone you love deeply is incredibly hard, and at first, it might seem unbearable to even think about the good times you had. But here’s the thing: reflecting on those happy memories can bring a sense of peace and comfort. Take some time to create a memory book filled with photos, letters, and little keepsakes that remind you of the wonderful moments you shared.
Maybe it’s that favorite vacation, a special anniversary, or just those simple, everyday moments that made your life together so rich. Looking through this memory book can be like having a warm conversation with your spouse, keeping their spirit alive in your heart. Doing this is a way to celebrate the love you had, which remains a beautiful part of who you are.
6. Take Care of Your Physical Health
Grief doesn’t just affect your heart and mind—it can really impact your body too. That’s why you must strive to take good care of yourself physically, no matter how you feel. The best approach is to start small, like going for a daily walk. Fresh air and a bit of movement can do wonders for lifting your mood and giving you a bit more energy.
Also, eat nutritious meals and make sure you get enough rest too. When you’re eating well and sleeping enough, you’re giving your body the tools it needs to stay strong. And when your body feels stronger, it can help you feel more capable of handling all the emotional ups and downs that come with grief.
7. Allow Yourself to Grieve
Grief is a personal journey, and there’s no right or wrong way to go through it. It’s important to allow yourself to feel everything you’re feeling. Maybe some days you’re sad; other days you might feel angry; and sometimes you might even feel a sense of relief. All these emotions are normal, and it’s okay to feel them.
Under no circumstances should you judge yourself for having a tough day; it’s all part of the healing process. So, be gentle with yourself and understand that it’s perfectly okay to have days when you don’t feel strong. You must understand that healing is a journey, and it takes time. Allow yourself that time, and know that it’s okay to lean on others for support when you need it.
One of the most significant losses a person may go through is losing a spouse, and the loneliness that follows can be unbearable. But keep in mind that you are not traveling alone.
Important stages towards healing include relying on your faith, being involved in your church community, establishing new habits, asking for help, thinking back on pleasant memories, taking care of your physical health, and allowing yourself to grieve.
Hold on to the comforting promise from the Bible in Isaiah 41:10 that says, “Fear thou not; for I am with thee; be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness.” God is with you every step of the way, offering strength and comfort. Be kind to yourself, take each day as it comes, and ask for help when you need it.
Emmanuel Abimbola is a creative freelance writer, blogger, and web designer. He is a devout Christian with an uncompromising faith who hails from Ondo State in Nigeria, West Africa. As a lover of kids, Emmanuel runs a small elementary school in Arigidi, Nigeria.
July 3rd, 2024, marks my husband Ben’s and my first year of marriage. Most people look forward to celebrating fireworks on the 4th, but the fireworks in our hearts began just a day earlier.
Ben and I dated for just over five years before we got married. In some ways, marriage has been exactly what I thought it would be. My husband is still the same person I married. Things that annoyed me while dating him still annoy me now. But I love the things I loved about him while we were dating even more now. I’m sure he could say the same about me.
In other veins, marriage has not been what I expected or anticipated. Most days, I find myself thinking, “How in the world do Mom and Grandma manage everything they do?” More often than not, I end my days pondering, “How will I ever get it all done with so much to do?”
While marriage has been a blend of what I’ve thought it would and wouldn’t be, I can say with certainty that it’s worth it. Every ounce of pain, tears, and conflict we’ve faced has been countered by immeasurable joy, love, and resolution. As our former pastor quoted in his charge to us the day we got married: “Marriage is a gift of God, given to comfort the sorrows of life and magnify the joys. Marriage is the clasping of hands, the blending of hearts, the union of two lives as one. Your marriage must stand on more than a piece of paper. It must stand in the strength of your love and by the power of your faith in one another and in God.”
At the end of the charge, our pastor encouraged us to embrace three covenants of marriage: faith, hope, and love. Just as Paul wrote in 1 Corinthians 13, the same charge should be applied to us today, “And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love” (v. 13, NIV).
As I reminisce over the the last year, and the lessons I’ve learned as a new wife, there are three things I’d like to share with you. Whether you’re married, dating, single, or looking to grow in your faith, I hope these truths can serve as a source of encouragement and strength:
1. The Importance of Communication
Before Ben and I got married, numerous people told us to prioritize communication with our spouse to be, and with our Creator. The same is still true and applicable today. Marriage doesn’t change our need for interaction with others. In fact, some might say it exasperates it.
Communication is an important factor in any relationship. This is why knowing how to talk to God and your spouse or significant other is so valuable. How we communicate also matters.
James 1:19 is a life verse we should all take heed of and apply to our lives in the way we interact with and speak to others: “My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry” (NIV).
While this Scripture is much easier said than done, it’s a good goal to keep in mind. Christ reminds us to pursue excellence in all we do, and that extends into our speaking, listening, and talking skills (Philippians 4:8; Matthew 5:48). Surely, being patient, hearing to understand, and thinking before we respond are all habits we can pursue both inside the confines of marriage and out.
Proverbs 18:21 summarizes our key point best in these words: “Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits” (ESV).
Communication must be open, vulnerable, honest, and kind, but above all, it must be Christ-like. The reason communication is so detrimental to any relationship is because of the immense power and value the words we say and use hold.
One of the biggest things I’ve learned this last year is the power of those words. My husband can’t read my mind, and I can’t read his. I get the assumption yours can’t follow suit either. Even couples who know one another best and have been together for decades will never get it all right. We’re not mind readers! But I believe God intentionally created us this way for a reason.
In May, I was going through a stressful time. I’d just resigned from teaching, had surgery, and attended my first writing conference. One evening in particular, I told my husband I was struggling to communicate with God and didn’t have the mental energy to pray or read my Bible. He told me that God still desired to hear from me that day. Then he asked me how I’d feel if he went an entire day without talking to me. Though I got offended at first and just wanted him to validate the exhaustion I was feeling, he had a point.
Even though God is God and already knows everything about me, He still wants me to talk to Him. He also still wants to hear from you! Jesus Christ is the greatest mind reader of all time, and still, communication is vital to my relationship with Him. Why would we expect our relationships with other humans to be any different?
2. The Value of Playfulness
About six months into marriage, I quickly realized our communication was improving, but our playfulness was dying. It wasn’t until we were in the middle of a Kroger run—the third time that month we were supposed to be on a date—that we discovered we were sacrificing date time for chores. Maybe you can relate?
Life is busy. Adulting is busy. Marriage is busy. No one ever said squashing two lives into one was easy or less busy. But learning to value and prioritize playfulness needs to fit into your busy schedule if you intend for your relationship to succeed and thrive!
In Ephesians 5, the roles of husbands and wives are discussed. One thing you may have never noticed, however, is that marriage is to be a source of life and joy—not life and joy to replace that which Christ gives, but to join with it in harmony.
Not only is playfulness a sign of a happy marriage, but it’s also a sign of a healthy, productive, and functioning one. Playfulness doesn’t mean being rude or insincere with our words. It also doesn’t mean forsaking responsibility for all fun and games. But godly playfulness takes delight in the gift of marriage that God has given us.
Phylicia Masonheimer, author and theologian, describes playfulness in our relationship with God and our spouse this way:
“What would it do to our relationship with God, viewing Him as playful? When I first considered this I was in the middle of my “flirtation experiment” with Josh. We were in a dry-ish season of marriage and I wanted to put some fun back into it. I made a list of 30 “flirtation” ideas and did one a day, recording my feelings and his response. One of my experiments was “playfulness”. I told jokes. I did a silly dance. I surprised him with water balloons after work. He was a little surprised at first. While I readily laugh at his jokes, I’m not the one to initiate silliness! But by making an effort in this area I noticed Josh’s joy increasing, his own readiness to make me laugh increasing, and – what surprised me most – my own love increasing. Laughing together, playing together, brought us closer together. I began to wonder: If I laughed with God… would I feel closer to Him? God is a spirit, not a human, so “laughing” with Him was very different from laughing with Josh. The very concept probably sounds abstract. But based on what Scripture says about God’s joy, I take for granted that the Lord wants to hear from me – in good or bad, joy or sorrow. I started sharing the things I found hilarious with the Lord. I would actually pray them to Him as if I was telling a friend.”
Though it’s a lengthy quote, I think Masonheimer hits the nail on the head when it comes to articulating our playfulness with our spouse and our Creator.
3. The Priority of Christ
A little over five years ago, when Ben and I first started dating, I worried about prioritizing my relationship with Christ and a romantic relationship. The more I sought the Lord and His Word, however, I was affirmed of this truth: The greater I pursue Jesus, the more love I’ll have to lavish on another person. The less I pursue Him, the less I’ll have available to give. We cannot pour out love if we aren’t seeking Love Himself.
The longer I’m married, the more I see the importance of prioritizing Christ in my marriage. What does that practically look like? Ben and I are far from mastering this concept, but here are a few things we’ve found that work for us.
-Spend time reading the Bible, praying, and talking to God on your own, but also spend time doing those things as a couple. While this can sound overwhelming, it doesn’t have to be. Daily, I read the Word, pray, and talk to God, but weekly, Ben and I pray and study together. Sometimes we utilize a morning or evening devotional we can do on our own time and then regroup later because it works for our flexibility. Feel free to try out practices and see what works best for you.
-Go to church and small group together. It might sound obvious, but attending Church and fellowship outings as a couple not only helps us prioritize our relationship with God but one another. While it’s taken us time to get settled into a place we could call home or find people our age to study the Scriptures with, both have been well-worthy investments. If you’re struggling to find good options, don’t be afraid to look for online study groups, and try new places.
Pursuing Christ is the highest calling you’ll ever receive, and it’s only through and in that relationship you’ll ever be able to successfully prioritize loving others.
What’s the biggest thing you’ve learned from being married? What advice would you give someone who’s getting married or just got married? I encourage you to share those thoughts with someone you love today. I’m certainly not an expert, but I’m choosing to grow and learn along the way.
Amber Ginter is a teacher-turned-author who loves Jesus, her husband Ben, and granola. Growing up Amber looked for faith and mental health resources and found none. Today, she offers hope for young Christians struggling with mental illness that goes beyond simply reading your Bible and praying more. Because you can love Jesus and still suffer from anxiety. You can download her top faith and mental health resources for free to help navigate books, podcasts, videos, and influencers from a faith lens perspective. Visit her website at amberginter.com.
“Great moments are born from great opportunity. And that’s what you have here, tonight, boys. That’s what you’ve earned here tonight. One game.” That’s the late, great Herb Brooks with the most inspirational speech ever given by a head coach.
I’m not saying that he was referring to Durham and myself that day in Lake Placid, but I’m not saying that he wasn’t, either.
One random Friday in 2024, we took it upon ourselves to do the unthinkable, the improbable, the idiotic… We attempted the 9-9-9 Challenge while watching the Chicago Cubs take on the Miami Marlins.
Have you ever been in a class or meeting at church and it seemed like the same people were doing all the talking week after week? How did it feel to have something to say and not be able to share? Maybe you are too polite or reserved to push your way into the conversation to share what you think.
How about picking up your preschooler from childcare at church and having the teacher tell you, “She’s so shy.” The labels start at a young age and follow your precious child as they get older, leaving them with hurt feelings of being “defective”.
In a world that often rewards the loudest voices and the quickest responses, it’s important to recognize and appreciate the value of quiet thinkers among us. Christian communities, just like any other, consist of diverse personalities, including those who may not be quick to speak yet possess deep wisdom and insight. Understanding and valuing these quiet individuals, especially as children of God, can enrich our interactions, strengthen the Body of Christ, and grow us personally.
The Bible offers wonderful wisdom on the virtues of thinking, being quiet, and reflecting. These scriptures remind us of the importance of listening and valuing the contributions of those who may not be the first to speak:
–James 1:19: “You know this, my beloved brothers and sisters. Now everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger.”
–Proverbs 17:27-28: “One who withholds his words has knowledge, And one who has a cool spirit is a person of understanding. Even a fool, when he keeps silent, is considered wise; When he closes his lips, he is considered prudent.”
–Ecclesiastes 3:7: “A time to tear apart and a time to sew together; A time to be silent and a time to speak.”
The virtues of being thoughtful and restrained in speech encourage us to slow down and be attentive listeners, creating space for those who may take a bit longer to express their thoughts.
The Value of Quiet Thinkers
Quiet thinkers bring unique strengths to our Christian communities. Their tendency to reflect deeply before speaking means that when they do share, their contributions are often thorough and insightful. Here are several reasons to appreciate and make space for quiet thinkers:
-Quiet individuals often spend significant time reflecting on issues, leading to profound insights and thoughtful solutions.
-They are generally good listeners, providing a calming presence and often noticing things that others might miss.
-When they do speak, their words are usually carefully chosen and meaningful, adding significant value to discussions.
-Their patience and restraint in conversation can serve as a model for others, fostering a more respectful and slower-paced, thoughtful environment.
Challenges Quiet Thinkers Face
Quiet thinkers often face several challenges in environments that prioritize quick thinking and outspoken contributions. Understanding these challenges can help us create more welcoming opportunities for them to share, regardless if they are children or adults.
-Intimidation by Dominant Voices: In settings where quick thinkers and speakers dominate, quiet thinkers might feel intimidated and be reluctant to share.
-Misinterpreted as Disinterested: Quietness can sometimes be misinterpreted as disinterest or a lack of engagement. In reality, quiet individuals are often deeply engaged and are simply processing their thoughts before speaking.
Consider the example of a quiet child in a noisy classroom. When asked why she doesn’t talk at school, she might respond, “There are a lot of kids, and the kids are loud.” This is often seen as a problem with the quiet child who gets labeled as quiet or shy, and the loud children are seen as “normal”. In adult circles, the same thing happens where those who dominate conversations and fail to realize that others may have something valuable to say are seen as active participants. Those who don’t share are labeled as quiet and non-contributors when they truly had no opportunity to contribute to the discussion.
Action Steps for Engaging Quiet Thinkers
If you are a quick thinker or someone who is eager to share your opinion in a group setting, there are practical steps you can take to ensure that quiet thinkers in the group have the opportunity to share their insights:
1. Ask Direct Questions
Engage quiet thinkers by asking them direct questions. This can provide them with the opportunity to share their thoughts in a space where they feel invited to speak. For example:
“What do you think about this, (insert name)?”
“(Insert name), how would you approach this situation?”
2. Allow for Pauses in Conversation
Silence can be uncomfortable, and most of us rush to fill it. Allowing pauses in the conversation gives quiet thinkers the space they need to gather their thoughts and contribute.
Practice waiting a few seconds after someone speaks before jumping in with your response.
3. Encourage Written Responses
Some people may feel more comfortable expressing their thoughts in writing. Encourage the use of written communication in group settings, such as emails, notes, or online discussions.
“If you have any thoughts later, feel free to share them in our group chat or through email.”
4. Create Smaller Discussion Groups
Large group settings can be intimidating for quiet thinkers. Organize smaller discussion groups or one-on-one conversations to make it easier for them to share their thoughts.
“Let’s break into smaller groups so everyone has a chance to share.”
5. Model Active Listening
Demonstrate active listening by summarizing what others have said and asking follow-up questions. This shows that you value their input and encourages participation.
“What I hear you saying is ________. Does that sound correct?”
6. Acknowledge and Appreciate Contributions
Publicly acknowledge the contributions of quiet thinkers to show that their input is valued and appreciated. This encourages them to continue sharing.
“That’s a great point, (insert name). Thank you for sharing your perspective.”
Growth Steps for Quiet Thinkers
Just because you are a quiet thinker doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t make an effort to participate in group settings. Here are a few tips for quiet thinkers to take steps to grow personally and become more comfortable with sharing their thoughts:
-Use Breath Prayers: When feeling anxious about sharing in a group, use a simple breath prayer where you breathe in and say to yourself, “Made in God’s image.” As you breathe out, say to yourself, “I can show up.” This can calm your nerves and remind you that you can do all things through Christ (Phillippians 4:13).
-Take Initiative: Challenge yourself to contribute at least one comment in every meeting or discussion. Even a brief comment can build your confidence over time.
-Prepare in Advance: If possible, review discussion topics beforehand and jot down your thoughts. This can make it easier to contribute when the time comes.
-Follow Up: If you need more time to process, offer to share your thoughts later. “I’ll email my thoughts after I’ve had a chance to sit with this,” is a perfectly acceptable response.
One type of thinker is not inherently better than the other. Quick thinkers and quiet thinkers both bring valuable perspectives to the table, and recognizing this range of personalities enriches our Christian community. The important thing to remember is to be aware of how you show up in group discussions and make adjustments as needed. In the 21st century, where constant noise often drowns out quieter voices, it’s crucial to cultivate environments, especially in church settings, where everyone has space and feels comfortable to contribute.
By taking practical steps to engage quiet thinkers and by quiet individuals stepping out of their comfort zones, we can work together to help everyone feel heard and valued. This approach not only honors the biblical admonition to be slow to speak and quick to listen but fosters a richer, more respectful Christian community where varied perspectives can be shared.
The idea of forgiving people who have deeply hurt us is difficult, yet forgiveness holds a particularly significant place within the Christian faith. The Bible frequently emphasizes the importance of forgiveness, urging believers to let go of grudges and find freedom through this transformative process. This article delves into the biblical perspective on forgiveness and its importance, providing practical strategies for forgiving others and oneself.
Forgiveness is a central theme in the Bible, with numerous passages underscoring its importance. According to Christian teachings, forgiveness is not just a moral obligation but a path to spiritual liberation and peace.
Jesus’ Teachings on Forgiveness
One of the most profound teachings on forgiveness comes from Jesus Christ. In Matthew 18:21-22, Peter asks Jesus, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?” Jesus replies, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.”
This response highlights the boundless nature of forgiveness that Jesus advocates for his followers. This unlimited approach to forgiveness reflects the endless mercy and grace that God offers to humanity, encouraging believers to mirror this in their interactions with others.
In the Lord’s Prayer, as recorded in Matthew 6:12, Jesus teaches, “And forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors.” This line emphasizes the reciprocal nature of forgiveness, indicating that receiving God’s forgiveness is intertwined with our willingness to forgive others. This mutual dependency underscores the importance of a forgiving heart, suggesting that our own spiritual well-being is connected to how we treat others.
The Parable of the Unforgiving Servant
The Parable of the Unforgiving Servant (Matthew 18:23-35) further illustrates the necessity of forgiveness. In this parable, a servant who is forgiven a massive debt by his master refuses to forgive a much smaller debt owed to him by a fellow servant.
The master, upon learning of this, rebukes the unforgiving servant and reinstates his debt, signifying that those who do not forgive others cannot expect to receive forgiveness themselves. This parable serves as a stark reminder of the importance of extending the same mercy we have received from God to others, emphasizing the moral and spiritual imperative of forgiveness.
Spiritual Freedom
From a spiritual standpoint, forgiveness is essential for maintaining a healthy relationship with God. The Bible teaches that harboring unforgiveness can hinder our prayers and our ability to receive God’s grace.
Mark 11:25 states, “And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.” This verse highlights the spiritual blockage that unforgiveness can create, emphasizing the need for a clear heart to maintain a strong connection with God.
Forgiveness is also a testament to our faith and obedience to God’s commands. It reflects our understanding and acceptance of God’s mercy and our commitment to living a life that aligns with His teachings. By forgiving others, we demonstrate our trust in God’s justice and our willingness to leave judgment in His hands.
Psychological Benefits
Psychologically, forgiveness is linked to numerous health benefits. Studies have shown that forgiveness can reduce stress, anxiety, and depression and improve overall well-being. Holding onto grudges and resentment can lead to chronic emotional and physical health problems. Forgiveness, on the other hand, fosters emotional healing and promotes a sense of peace.
Research has found that people who forgive are more likely to experience lower blood pressure, a stronger immune system, and a longer life expectancy. Forgiveness can also improve relationships, leading to healthier social interactions and a more supportive community. By releasing negative emotions, individuals can focus on positive aspects of life, enhancing their mental and emotional health.
Strategies for Forgiving Others
Forgiveness can be challenging, especially when the hurt is deep. However, it is possible to cultivate a forgiving heart through intentional practices.
1. Reflect on God’s Forgiveness
One of the first steps in forgiving others is to reflect on the forgiveness you have received from God. Romans 5:8 reminds us, “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Recognizing the magnitude of God’s forgiveness can inspire us to extend the same grace to others. Understanding that God’s love and mercy are freely given, despite our flaws and mistakes, can motivate us to forgive others.
2. Pray for a Forgiving Heart
Prayer is a powerful tool in the journey towards forgiveness. Ask God to soften your heart and help you let go of bitterness and resentment. Pray for the person who has wronged you, as this can shift your perspective and foster empathy. Prayer can also provide the strength and courage needed to confront and overcome the hurt, allowing God’s love to fill the spaces where pain once resided.
3. Understand the Benefits of Forgiveness
Educate yourself on the benefits of forgiveness, both spiritually and emotionally. Understanding that forgiveness is more about your own well-being than the other person’s actions can motivate you to let go of grudges. Realizing that forgiveness can lead to a more peaceful and fulfilling life can provide the incentive needed to pursue it, even when it feels difficult.
4. Practice Empathy
Empathy involves putting yourself in the other person’s shoes. Try to understand the reasons behind their actions and acknowledge that everyone makes mistakes. This doesn’t excuse the hurt, but it can make it easier to forgive. Empathy can also help in recognizing the humanity in others, reminding us that everyone is capable of change and growth.
5. Let Go of Expectations
Forgiveness should not be contingent upon another’s actions. Letting go of these expectations can free you to forgive more readily. Accepting that people may not always meet our expectations allows us to release the burden of resentment and move forward with our lives.
6. Seek Support
Forgiving someone can be a lonely process. Seek support from trusted friends, family, or a spiritual advisor. Sharing your feelings can provide comfort and perspective, making it easier to move forward. Having a support system can also offer encouragement and accountability, helping you stay committed to the process of forgiveness.
Strategies for Forgiving Yourself
Forgiving oneself is often more challenging than forgiving others. However, self-forgiveness is crucial for personal growth and mental health.
1. Acknowledge Your Mistakes
The first step in self-forgiveness is acknowledging your mistakes without making excuses. Accept responsibility for your actions and understand their impact. This honesty is essential for personal growth, as it allows you to learn from your experiences and avoid repeating the same mistakes.
2. Reflect on God’s Grace
Just as God’s forgiveness can inspire us to forgive others, it can also help us to forgive ourselves. Romans 8:1 reassures us, “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” This verse highlights that God’s grace covers our sins, freeing us from self-condemnation. Understanding that we are forgiven by God helps us release the guilt and shame accompanying our mistakes.
3. Make Amends
If possible, take steps to make amends for your actions. Apologize to those you have hurt and seek to rectify the situation. This can alleviate guilt and pave the way for self-forgiveness. Making amends shows a commitment to change and a willingness to take responsibility for your actions, which can be an important part of the healing process.
4. Learn from Your Mistakes
View your mistakes as opportunities for growth. Reflect on what you have learned and how you can avoid similar mistakes in the future. This proactive approach can transform guilt into a catalyst for positive change. By learning from your experiences, you can develop a greater sense of self-awareness and resilience.
5. Practice Self-Compassion
Treat yourself with the same compassion you would offer a friend. Acknowledge your humanity and the fact that everyone makes mistakes. Self-compassion can reduce self-criticism and promote emotional healing. By being kind to yourself, you create a supportive environment that fosters growth and self-forgiveness.
6. Seek Professional Help
If you find it difficult to forgive yourself, consider seeking help. Professional guidance can provide tools and techniques to help you work through guilt. Therapy can also offer a safe space to explore your feelings and develop strategies for moving forward.
The Role of Community in Forgiveness
Community plays a significant role in the process of forgiveness. Being part of a supportive community can provide the encouragement and accountability needed to pursue forgiveness.
1. Church Community
In a church community, members can find support and guidance through sermons, Bible studies, and prayer groups. Engaging with others who share your faith can provide a sense of belonging and remind you of the biblical teachings on forgiveness. The church can also offer resources such as counseling and support groups to help individuals on their journey toward forgiveness.
2. Support Groups
Support groups, whether faith-based or secular, can provide a safe space to share your experiences and receive encouragement from others who are also working towards forgiveness. These groups can offer practical advice, emotional support, and a sense of solidarity.
3. Family and Friends
Family and friends can be a crucial support system in the process of forgiveness. They can offer a listening ear, provide perspective, and remind you of the importance of letting go of grudges. Having a strong support network can make the journey towards forgiveness less isolating and more manageable.
The Power of Forgiveness
Forgiveness is a powerful act that offers freedom and peace. Rooted in biblical teachings, it is a pathway to spiritual and psychological well-being. By embracing forgiveness, we let go of grudges and open our hearts to healing and growth.
Whether forgiving others or oneself, the journey requires intentional effort, empathy, and a deep understanding of God’s grace. As we strive to forgive, we reflect the love and mercy that are at the heart of the Christian faith, ultimately finding freedom and peace in the process.
The power of forgiveness extends beyond individual healing; it has the potential to transform relationships, communities, and even societies. By practicing forgiveness, we contribute to a culture of compassion and understanding, breaking the cycle of hurt and fostering a more harmonious world.
There have been times in my life when I discovered the reasons why people hurt me, and the truth was heartbreaking. A friend who had hurt me in my teens found out that she had undiagnosed bipolar disorder in her early 20s. I vividly remember a conversation with her during our teenage years that she later expressed confusion over, upset by the pain she caused me and others.
Years later, when she was diagnosed in her early twenties, that memory resurfaced. You never truly know what personal struggles someone may be facing, and when they hurt you, it may not always be personal.
Letting go of grudges and finding freedom through forgiveness is not only a personal victory but a testament to the enduring power of love and grace and what God ultimately wants us to do.
J. Lila Donovan is a content creator passionate about sharing faith-based insights and encouragement. When she’s not writing, you can find her being a bookworm, creating art, or spending quality time with her loved ones.
When I first learned of “Confessional Communities,” I wasn’t sure what to think. I resonate with the words recorded in Psalm 32:1-2, which state, “Blessed is the one whose transgressions are forgiven, whose sins are covered. Blessed is the one whose sin the LORD does not count against them and in whose spirit is no deceit.” I like the idea of living with complete absolution—inside the privacy of my prayer closet. But exposing the ugliest parts of myself to others? The thought stirred anxiety within me, largely because of times when my weaknesses and faults were met with judgment and rejection rather than grace.
I wonder if you would say the same. Perhaps you joined a Bible study hoping for connection, for healing, and left with increased shame.
The communities Dr.Thompson and his team create, train, and multiply have the opposite effect. These groups form spaces designed to help people feel known, seen, and soothed. Using his psychotherapy experience, love for Scripture, and understanding of neural biology, he is working to create environments where, through the empathetic responses of others, individuals can heal and become the beautiful expressions of the Triune God for which they were created.
Curiosity sparked after discussing Thompson’s latest release, The Deepest Place, for an upcoming Faith Over Fear podcast episode. I engaged him in conversation to learn more about the transformative movement that emerged through his practice and discovered that his organization, The Center for Being Known, is making lay-led communities available.
More Than Group Therapy
“What we call Confessional Communities came from a number of different threads and streams that came to converge in our practice,” he said. “It all began probably 15 or 20 years ago but has really crystalized in the last 8-10 years.”
The ultimate purpose of Confessional Communities goes deeper than what some might refer to as “group therapy.”
“Now, people come with all kinds of initial complaints,” Thompson said. “They’re coming for their marriage, or anxiety, or depression, or substance abuse. There’s a range of different doorways by which people enter. … But we are quick to remind and point out to people that those things are all true, but much bigger than that is this question of spiritual formation.”
In discussing the importance of this, Dr. Thompson explained various ways we humans are being formed each day—from the news we watch, books we read, social media content we consume, and more. “The question is,” he said, “who is the community in which you embed that is forming you, and what is the story that you believe you’re living in, that is forming that community?”
Confessional Communities exist within a biblical understanding of the nature of what it means for us to be human. Within that context, these groups operate based on “interpersonal neurobiology principles regarding what the mind is,” Thompson said, “how the mind operates, and the mechanics of what it looks like to flourish as human beings.” All of this is applied through group psychotherapy dynamics.
Thompson clarified: “What we’re really talking about is, what does it mean to pay attention to the nature of how interpersonal systems work. So, it’s not just how does the mind work within me? But what happens in a group when the group starts to talk with each other?”
These communities meet weekly for 90 minutes. “There’s nothing about our lives that we do not talk about,” he said. People have found these interactions so profound; some have asked, “Why can’t this be church?” Others have said the experience was the most transformative they’d engaged in, and still others expressed sorrow that their parents hadn’t connected with something similar. In response to these powerful statements, Thompson reminds us that the role of church, Confessional Communities, and all of Christian living is that we’d be conformed to the image of Jesus.
How People Change
When asked what it was about these communities in particular that led to such healing, he pointed to the mechanics of how people change. Often, it’s not through book reading alone that we most heal, learn and grow, at least in terms of what it means to become more like Christ, as helpful as those practices can be. Rather, it is through our interactions with others. For example, he shared how, many times as he meets with patients, things they do and say have taught him a great deal about himself, and he often experiences personal transformation due to the work they’ve done.
He explained that, while he would never use a client’s therapy time to discuss himself in this manner, his professional interaction in session does have a drawback. “A patient doesn’t really get the opportunity to recognize how their telling their story vulnerably is actually a way for others to know healing.” For example, what one person shares often evokes things in others that they’ve kept locked away for years, and perhaps over which they’ve held a grudge.
This, in turn, benefits the storyteller. “One of the major ways in which we know healing in our own lives is allowing our vulnerability to be the agency of healing for others,” Thompson said. “My experience of healing includes the work I do to advance the healing of others.”
Another challenge with individual therapy is ways in which patients often try to avoid, subconsciously, talking about the very things that drive their problems. While he might catch some of these self-protective tendencies, he recognized that he won’t catch them all. “There will be places where we have common blindspots,” he said. “Because it’s not that tough to fool one person. But put you in a room with seven other brains, and it is really difficult for you to outflank anybody because all of the angles intended to circumvent the questions I ask are covered in a circle. And so, what the therapist doesn’t pick up, perhaps somebody else in the room does.”
When speaking with potential members, he emphasizes that they will both give and receive help, adding, “But the way you’re going to be helpful is not with your wit and your wisdom. You’re going to be helpful by giving [community members] your vulnerability.” This isn’t about coming and receiving information to then take home and apply. Instead, it’s about a person engaging their shame by allowing others to see it.” To those who say they’d rather not do that, Thompson replied, with a note of sadness in his voice, “Right. Evil’s counting on that. Evil wants you to remain silent and alone with [your shame] so that it can continue to use it to strengthen the abscess. It will try to use it to devour you.”
The Physics of Relational Mass Effect
He concluded our discussion with the third way these groups create such healing and transformation. “I don’t have data on this, so I’m saying this lightly,” he said. “We don’t have enough scientific information about it. But I’ll say it this way—what I call the physics of relational mass effect. If I tell you a vulnerable story, that’s one thing. But if I tell my story to you and two other or three other people in the room at the same time, my brain is not experiencing empathy from just one other brain. It’s experiencing empathy from multiple people.”
After comparing a wheelbarrow to a train, both moving at three miles per hour, he said, “Shame is like a locomotive. Alone, we can’t stop it.” Tearing up, he added, “What a community does—it builds a bigger train. When I have the weight of six or seven or eight people who are saying, ‘We aren’t leaving the room. You can bring as much shame into this room as you want to. It cannot compete with us.’ That is a mind changer. That is a heart renewer. That is renewal of the brain, that is all a reflection of the first two pages of the Bible.”
I’ve witnessed faith groups that did not handle shame well. I’ve heard numerous stories over the years of already wounded men and women who have been further hurt by the church. Therefore, I’m deeply encouraged by the work God is doing through Dr. Thompson and his team.
Can you imagine what might happen, the healing that might occur, if everyone had the opportunity to feel completely known and deeply loved, even in their most shameful places? To have someone listen, without judgment or offering advice, and say, “I see your pain, and I’m not going anywhere”?
Visit the Center for Being Known to learn more, and watch for my discussion with Dr. Thompson on the Faith Over Fear podcast as he discusses suffering and the formation of hope. The episode is scheduled to drop on July 30th, 2024.
Jennifer Slattery is a writer and speaker who hosts the Faith Over Fear podcast. She’s addressed women’s groups, Bible studies, and writers across the nation. She’s the author of Building a Family and numerous other titles and maintains a devotional blog at JenniferSlatteryLivesOutLoud.com.
Co-parenting is like a tag-team match where you and your co-parent are both in the ring, fighting for the well-being and upbringing of your kids. It’s crucial, especially when you’re aiming to raise children who are not only responsible but also rooted in faith.
In Proverbs 22:6, it says, “Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.” That’s the essence of co-parenting in a Christian context. You’re not just teaching them math and manners; you’re instilling values and faith that will guide them throughout their lives.
Think about it this way: if you’re trying to build a sturdy house, you need a solid foundation. Similarly, if you want your children to grow up with strong morals and a deep faith, you need a solid co-parenting relationship.
Challenges of Co-parenting
Co-parenting isn’t always a walk in the park, especially if you’re navigating the waters of divorce or separation. It’s like trying to paddle a canoe in choppy waters; there are bound to be some bumps along the way.
Communication is key, but it can be tough when there are hurt feelings or unresolved issues lingering between you and your ex. And let’s not forget about scheduling conflicts—juggling soccer practice, piano lessons, and dentist appointments can feel like trying to solve a Rubik’s cube in the dark!
Then there’s the emotional toll. Seeing your children split their time between two homes can tug at your heartstrings like a sad country song. And explaining the situation to your kids? That’s a whole other ballgame. It’s like trying to explain quantum physics to a toddler—challenging, to say the least.
But hey, it’s not all doom and gloom. With patience, understanding, and a whole lot of prayer, you can overcome these challenges and build a healthy co-parenting relationship that sets a positive example for your children. It’s like planting seeds in a garden; with the right care and attention, they’ll grow into something beautiful.
Putting God at the Center
Putting God at the center of your co-parenting journey is like adding the strongest adhesive to a fragile bond; it holds everything together. In Matthew 22:37-40, Jesus emphasizes the greatest commandments—to love God with all your heart, soul, and mind, and to love your neighbor as yourself. When it comes to co-parenting, your ex is still your neighbor, and loving them as yourself means prioritizing your relationship with God.
Imagine your relationship with God as the North Star, guiding your co-parenting ship through stormy seas. When you seek His guidance and wisdom, it’s like having a seasoned navigator on board, helping you steer clear of rocky shores and treacherous waters.
Practically speaking, this means turning to God in prayer and meditation when faced with co-parenting decisions. Instead of relying solely on your understanding, you’re tapping into a divine wisdom that surpasses human understanding.
For example, let’s say you and your ex are at odds about your child’s education. Instead of resorting to arguments and ultimatums, you take a step back and pray for clarity and understanding. In doing so, you open your heart to God’s guidance, allowing Him to soften your stance and help you see things from a different perspective. Before you know it, you’re sitting down with your ex, calmly discussing your options and finding common ground.
Furthermore, praying together as co-parents can be a game-changer. It’s like joining forces in a battle, knowing that you have each other’s backs. By lifting your children and your co-parenting relationship up in prayer, you’re inviting God into the midst of your struggles and triumphs, trusting Him to work miracles in your lives.
Communication Is Key
Effective communication in co-parenting is like oil in the gears of a well-oiled machine; it keeps everything running smoothly. In Proverbs 15:1, it says, “A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger.” This verse highlights the power of gentle, respectful communication in diffusing conflict—a valuable lesson for co-parents navigating the ups and downs of raising children together.
Think of communication as the bridge that connects you and your ex, allowing you to share important information, make joint decisions, and coordinate schedules. Without it, you’re like ships passing in the night, missing crucial opportunities to collaborate and support each other in the shared goal of raising your children.
So, how can you develop healthy communication in your co-parenting relationship?
First and foremost, practice active listening. Instead of formulating your response while they’re talking, truly listen to what they’re saying, validating their feelings and concerns.
Another tip is to use “I” statements instead of “you” statements. It’s like taking ownership of your feelings and experiences, rather than placing blame on your ex. For example, instead of saying, “You always forget to pick up the kids on time,” try saying, “I feel frustrated when the kids aren’t picked up on time.”
And speaking of blame, it’s important to avoid playing the blame game altogether. Instead of focusing on past mistakes or grievances, focus on finding solutions and moving forward together. It’s like turning the page to a new chapter in your co-parenting journey, where forgiveness and grace abound.
Lastly, communicate regularly and respectfully, even in difficult situations. Whether you’re discussing a change in visitation schedules or addressing a behavioral issue with your child, approach the conversation with kindness and understanding.
Respecting Each Other’s Roles
Respecting each other’s roles as parents in co-parenting is like acknowledging that each brick in a building has its unique purpose; without one, the structure wouldn’t stand. Ephesians 4:32, says, “And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.” This verse emphasizes the importance of kindness, tenderness, and forgiveness—qualities that are essential in co-parenting, whether you’re still together or not.
When you respect each other’s roles as parents, you’re not competing for the finish line; you’re running alongside each other, cheering each other on every step of the way.
So, how can you support and encourage each other as co-parents?
First and foremost, acknowledge and appreciate the unique strengths and qualities that each of you brings to the table. It’s like recognizing that you’re both valuable members of the parenting team, each contributing something special to your children’s lives.
For example, let’s say your ex is great at helping with homework, while you excel at planning fun weekend activities. Instead of feeling threatened or inadequate, celebrate each other’s strengths and work together to create a balanced approach to parenting. It’s like weaving a tapestry of love and support, with each thread adding to the beauty of the whole.
Furthermore, avoid criticizing or undermining each other’s parenting decisions. Instead of nitpicking or second-guessing each other’s choices, focus on finding common ground and working together for the greater good of your children.
Co-Parenting Through Conflict
Conflict in co-parenting is like a storm brewing on the horizon; it’s bound to happen, but how you weather it makes all the difference. In Matthew 18:15-17, Jesus provides a blueprint for resolving conflicts within the church community, emphasizing the importance of addressing issues directly and with love.
Similarly, in co-parenting, facing conflicts head-on and with a spirit of compassion is key to maintaining a healthy relationship for the sake of your children.
Acknowledge that conflicts are inevitable in co-parenting.
Instead of sweeping issues under the rug or letting resentment simmer, address them openly and honestly, keeping the well-being of your children at the forefront of your mind.
So, how can you navigate conflicts in a Godly manner?
Start by practicing humility and patience, approaching the situation with a willingness to listen and learn. It’s like laying down your pride and ego at the foot of the cross, allowing God’s grace to guide your words and actions.
Furthermore, prioritize the well-being of your children above all else. Whether you’re negotiating visitation schedules or discussing discipline strategies, keep their needs and emotions at the forefront of your decision-making process.
Additionally, seek common ground and compromise whenever possible. It’s important to find a middle ground where both parties feel heard and respected, rather than digging in heels and refusing to budge. Remember, it’s not about winning or losing—it’s about finding solutions that work for everyone involved.
And finally, don’t hesitate to seek outside help if conflicts become too difficult to navigate on your own. Just as you wouldn’t hesitate to call a mechanic when your car breaks down, seeking mediation or counseling can provide valuable support and guidance when navigating the complexities of co-parenting.
So, let us embrace conflicts as opportunities for growth and learning in the co-parenting journey. By approaching them with humility, patience, and a godly perspective, you can navigate even the stormiest of seas and emerge stronger, wiser, and more united for the sake of your children.
Dear parents embarking on the journey of co-parenting, let me leave you with this heartfelt encouragement: trust in God’s guidance and wisdom as you navigate the twists and turns of your co-parenting relationships.
Building a healthy co-parenting relationship isn’t always easy. It takes time, effort, and prayer. But know that every step you take, every word you speak, and every decision you make is worth it—for the sake of your children and your relationship with God.
So, lean on Him in times of uncertainty, seek His wisdom in moments of doubt, and trust in His love to sustain you through it all. With God as your anchor, you can weather any storm and emerge stronger, more united, and more deeply rooted in faith.
May His grace and peace be with you on this journey, guiding you ever closer to His perfect will for your lives and the lives of your precious children. Amen.
Emmanuel Abimbola is a creative freelance writer, blogger, and web designer. He is a devout Christian with an uncompromising faith who hails from Ondo State in Nigeria, West Africa. As a lover of kids, Emmanuel runs a small elementary school in Arigidi, Nigeria.
As a bride, your wedding day is one of the most memorable days of your life. This is the day you get hitched to the most amazing guy on God’s green earth. It’s also the day you give singlehood the boot, trudging a path of no return. Understandably, you may be swirling in a mix of emotions that day. You may be ecstatic on the one hand yet jittery on the other. Not forgetting that all eyes will be on you. Lots of friends and family will be shifting in their seats just to catch a glimpse of you.
As the bride takes in the fanfare, glitz, excitement, and anxiety on her big day, what can those close to her do to help her sail through the day and, better still, to fortify her marriage? We are glad you asked – you can pray for her. Praying for a bride on her wedding day helps calm her down, perks up her confidence, and lets her put things into perspective. Even though she may be too rattled to listen intently to the prayers made that day, we are willing to bet that she will watch her wedding video not too long after the wedding. Here are seven prayers for a bride on her wedding day.
1. Pray That She Will Build Her Marriage on the Rock
“Therefore whoever hears these sayings of mine, and does them, I will liken him to a wise man who built his house on the rock. And the rain descended, the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house, and it did not fall, for it was founded on the rock.” (Mathew 7:24)
Dear Lord, we pray that you will enable (the bride’s name) to build her marriage on the rock and not on sand. We pray that she will be not only a hearer of your Word but also a doer. Your Word asks her to love, respect, forgive, submit to and honor her husband. We pray that you may enable her to heed all the instructions in your Word where her marriage is concerned.
We pray that she will be a wise woman who builds her house with her own hands and does not tear it down. We pray that she will be able to weather all the challenges that she may face in her marriage. We pray that her marriage will withstand all challenges to the glory of your name.
2. Pray That She Will Experience Great Joy in Her Marriage
“The blessing of the Lord makes one rich, and He adds no sorrow with it.” (Proverbs 10:22)
“The voice of rejoicing and salvation is in the tents of the righteous, the right hand of the Lord does valiantly.” (Psalm 118:15)
Dear Lord, we thank you for blessing (the bride’s name) with a spouse. We pray that her marriage will be a fountain of joy and not sorrow. Your Word tells us that two are better than one because they have a good reward for their labor. We pray that you will usher her into a new level of joy and happiness as she savors life with her husband. We pray that you may give her wisdom to ward off the things/people that may try to sabotage her joy in marriage.
We pray that her home will be filled with laughter and rejoicing to the glory of your name.
3. Pray That She Will be Clothed With Strength and Honor
“Strength and honor are her clothing, she shall rejoice in time to come” (Proverbs 31:25).
“I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” (Philippians 4:13)
Dear Lord, we pray that you may endow (the bride’s name) with the strength to tackle all the responsibilities that lie ahead of her in this new phase of life. We pray that your strength will be made perfect in her weaknesses. We pray that she will be diligent in her work. We also pray that you will enable her to honor you in everything she does. We pray that whatever her hand finds to do, she will do it with all her might. Help her to do her work heartily, not unto men but unto you. May her work bring glory and honor to your name.
4. Pray That She Will Keep Her First Love
“Nevertheless I have this against you, that you have left your first love.” (Revelation 2:4)
“Now these are the ones sown among thorns; they are the ones who hear the word, and the cares of this world, the deceitfulness of riches, and the desires for other things entering in choke the word, and it becomes unfruitful.” (Mark 4:18-19)
Dear Lord, we pray that as (the bride’s name) steps into this new phase of her life, she will not forsake her love for you. We pray that she will seek your kingdom first and its righteousness so that all the other aspects of her life can be aligned. We pray that she will not forsake prayer, studying your Word, and fellowship with other believers. We pray that she will not allow the busyness of marriage to sabotage her fellowship with you.
We also pray that she will not forsake her first love towards her husband. We pray that she will not allow familiarity and sluggishness to creep into her marriage. May she continually tend to her marriage and seek to serve and honor her husband to the glory of your name.
5. Pray That She Will be a Blessing to Her Husband
“She does him good and not evil, all the days of her life.” (Proverbs 31:12)
“He who finds a wife finds a good thing, and obtains favor from the Lord.” (Proverbs 18:22)
Dear Lord, we pray that (the bride’s name) will seek to be a blessing to her husband all the days of her life. Grant her strength to extend kindness to him even when she feels he doesn’t deserve it. Help her find delight in loving, serving, encouraging, and praying for him. May she seek to fulfill his needs and support his dreams. Your Word tells us that we were created for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them. May (the bride’s name) identify all the good works that you have ordained for her in her marriage, and may she execute them to the glory of your name.
6. Pray That She Will Willingly Forgive Her Husband
“And whenever you stand praying, if you have anything against anyone, forgive him, that your Father in heaven may also forgive you your trespasses. But if you do not forgive, neither will your Father in heaven forgive your trespasses.” (Mark 11:25-26)
Dear Lord, we acknowledge that marriage is the most intimate relationship, and that’s where offense easily takes root. We know that sometimes (the bride’s name) will feel aggrieved by her husband’s words or actions. We pray that you may give her the strength and grace to forgive her husband in such times. We pray that you may remind her of the need to extend mercy to him just as she has received mercy from you. Your Word asks us not to allow any root of bitterness to spring up among us, causing trouble and defiling many. We pray that she will be quick to forgive, to the glory of your name.
7. Pray That She Will Submit to Her Husband
“Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body.” (Ephesians 5:22-23).
Dear Lord, we pray that you will grant (the bride’s name) the grace to submit to her husband. We pray that you will enable her husband to love her sacrificially as Christ loved the church so that submission for her will not be a burden but a delight. Help her respect, serve, love, and honor her husband for the glory of your name.
Keren Kanyago is a freelance writer and blogger at Parenting Spring. As a wife and mom, she uses her blog to weigh in on pertinent issues around parenting, marriage, and the Christian Faith. She holds a degree in mass communication with a specialty in print media. Follow her on Facebook and Instagram and/or shoot her an email at kerenkanyago@gmail.com.
If we are honest, most people we come across in life are not very nice people. I first came to this conclusion when I was a young child. Being picked on and bullied, I quickly realized that many people are mean for no reason. While my parents came up with plenty of ideas as to why people were mean, none of them were true or relevant to my situation. Long story short, many people are mean just because they are mean.
There are mean people in the world because we live in a sinful, fallen world. Everyone sins and falls short of the glory of God (Romans 3:23). By living in the fallen world, we encounter people who are driven by anger, frustration, hurt, and bitterness. Rather than being kind, they make us feel bad about ourselves. Mean people are never fun to be around because they only hurt us.
If you are someone who is known to be mean, it is time to step away from this identity. Never should a person say a Christian is mean. As Christians, we are Jesus’ lights to the world. How will we shine brightly for Him if we are being darkness ourselves? Instead of being mean, choose kindness. This is what God wants all people to do, especially those who claim to follow Him.
The Lasting Pain of Being Hurt
When someone is mean to us, it hurts. Depending on who the person is, it might hurt more so than a stranger. Many people I used to know were very mean to me, even though I considered them friends. I think I considered them friends because I really wanted to have friends. Now, in retrospect, as I am older, I know they were not my real friends.
Friends would never be mean to you. Never would they say hurtful comments, belittle you, or make fun of you. Friends are supposed to build you up, not tear you down. If you have been the victim of bullying, know that you are not alone. It can really hurt to know that your friends are not actually your friends and that you are better off without them. Fake friends don’t deserve your time or presence, though.
If you are hurt by someone who is just a stranger, know that your pain is valid too. Just the other day I was at a doctor’s appointment and a woman in the waiting room scowled at me as if I was the devil himself. This made me feel awful about myself, and I went out of my way to distance myself from this woman. Maybe you have encountered someone just like this. You did nothing to warrant the hateful glares, yet the person still shot them at you.
This was not nice of them, but as you already know, there are a lot of mean people in the world. The popular trend today that promotes the idea that all people are relatively good is not biblical. All people are evil from the moment they are conceived (Psalm 51:5). We are born into sin and only through the grace of Jesus can we be saved.
From the time we are children of God, we become more aware of the evil around us. We see people who are mean for no reason, yet it is still hard not to take it personally. Similarly, many Christians are the ones who are mean, even to their own brothers and sisters in Christ. This should not be; however, if you have even encountered this, know you are not alone. Some of the meanest people I’ve known are people who identify as Christians.
Whether they are true Christians or not, I do not know. What I do know is that as an individual Christian, I would never do anything purposely to be mean to someone else. I know how it feels when someone is mean to you, and I never want to inflict that same pain on anybody else. Are we always going to be perfect and treat everyone with flawless love? No. However, as believers, we shouldn’t want to be mean to anyone. Our motivations and intentions should be rooted in Christ’s love. We should want to extend Jesus in our actions. If we fail to do this, we are doing a disservice to the Lord.
Living in a Fallen World
As mentioned earlier, we are living in a fallen world, and this is why we encounter mean people. Sadly, within pop culture and schooling, mean people are deemed as “cool.” Think of who the popular people were at your schools. It’s often those who tear others down and build a fear-based popularity. This is a sad reality; however, it is not something we should ignore. Popularity should never be “earned” through anger, fear, and manipulation.
Everyone becomes so afraid of them that they just keep allowing them to run the school, the event, or even the workplace. Unfortunately, despite being adults, we see the same trends in adulthood. The bullies and the mean kids never grew up. Instead of allowing this behavior to continue, we must speak up for those who cannot speak up for themselves. We must speak up for ourselves too. Mean people only have power over us if we let them.
We do not have to give them the satisfaction of hurting us. Instead, we can address their mean behavior and call them out for it. As adults, we need to behave better, period. Nobody should be mean to someone just because they look different, talk differently, or do things differently than someone else. There needs to be kindness, compassion, and grace extended to all people. This is the only way that we can actually shine the light of Jesus in our lives.
While it is true that we are living in a fallen world, it does not mean we have to live as the world does. In fact, as believers, we should be living in opposition to the sinful world. The world says meanness is how you get what you want, but the Bible says the right thing to do is to be kind, caring, and loving (Matthew 22:39; Ephesians 4:32). Are we going to follow the practices of the world or are we going to follow our Savior? This vital question can help us move forward in curtailing the hate that continues in the world.
Choosing to Forgive
If you are someone who has been hurt by a mean person, it’s important to forgive them. It’s true that they probably don’t deserve your forgiveness, and they probably never apologized, but God still wants you to forgive them (Matthew 6:14). After all, we don’t deserve God’s forgiveness, but we are called to extend this same grace to others. This can be hard, yet it is something we must do. Holding onto unforgiveness, hate, and anger will only hurt us. If we truly want to move forward, we must forgive the people who hurt us.
Forgiving the person means you are giving the situation over to Jesus. It doesn’t mean that what they did is okay, nor does it mean that what they did is forgotten. Rather, it means you are turning the situation over to God. He can handle it best, and He can carry any of the emotions you are experiencing. He hates that there are mean people in the world, but He promises us a future where there will only be genuinely kind people, His followers rejoicing in heaven (Revelation 21).
This future promise will be fulfilled in the New Heaven and New Earth. Never will anyone be mean to one another ever again. There will only be happiness, love, and joy. When people are mean to you in this life, look forward to the day that all evil will be destroyed. It will happen in the future, and it is a sure promise. Reflect on this truth when mean people get you down.
Vivian Bricker loves Jesus, studying the Word of God, and helping others in their walk with Christ. She has earned a Bachelor of Arts and Master’s degree in Christian Ministry with a deep academic emphasis in theology. Her favorite things to do are spending time with her family and friends, reading, and spending time outside. When she is not writing, she is embarking on other adventures.
One of the best things in life is having a day with your girls. Although you enjoy your loved ones, it’s nice to take a day off and do something fun. Not only does it feel good to be free of responsibilities for a day, but it’s also good for your emotional and mental health. You can just relax and have fun.
If you are looking for some ideas for your next girls’ day out, here are some ideas:
1. Spa Day
Either spend money and go to the spa or someone can host a spa day at their house. Everyone can bring their own grooming tools and products, as well as a snack or beverage to share.
2. Go to a Museum
Research different museums in your area and choose one to go to. You could even do this several times and rotate museums.
3. Eat Out
Go out for a nice brunch or lunch together. This is your time to splurge!
4. Volunteer for a Cause
Make a list of causes that you all care about and put names into a hat. Then have someone pick from the hat to decide where you will volunteer. You could do this several times and line up volunteering opportunities a few months in advance if you wish.
5. Go on a Day Trip
Take a quick trip to an attraction, town, or shopping center that you have been wanting to see a few towns away or somewhere in your state.
6. Go Shopping
There is nothing like going on a shopping trip, but it can get boring when you go to the same old places. Do some research and find the out-of-the-way shopping centers in your town or the next town over. You can also look for outlet malls and specialty malls that are a few hours away in your state. (And don’t underestimate how fun antique shopping can be!)
7. Movie Day Out
Going to the movies can get pricey, but it doesn’t have to. Look on the website for the movie theaters in your town and see if they have any specials going on. If you can find an independently owned movie theater in your town, you’ve found a gem. Chances are, ticket prices will be much lower than in the big chain theaters.
8. Take a Class Together
Talk over your interests with your girls and see if any resonate with all of you, and then take a class on that thing. If you all have different interests, over a few months, take a class together for each lady’s personal interest. For example, Cathy may enjoy cooking, Laura may enjoy knitting, and Christine may enjoy making jewelry. Take a cooking class in January, a knitting class in February, and a jewelry-making class in March. This way, everyone will get a turn taking a class on their specific interest.
9. Start a Book Club
If your friends are a bunch of bookworms, start a book club together. Invite coworkers, fellow church members, or neighbors and see how your friendship circle grows!
10. Go for Dessert
Go for dessert together and order the most decadent thing on the menu.
11. Go for Drinks
Go out for drinks and have some friendly conversation. (No, this doesn’t mean you have to consume alcohol. Mocktails, coffees, and other iced teas and fruity drinks make for great refreshers with friends.)
12. Visit an Amusement Park
Head to an amusement park and let your inner child out.
13. Visit a Farmer’s Market
Go to the local farmer’s market and pick up some farm fresh fruits and vegetables. Sometimes you can find other things too, like fresh meat, homemade baked goods, jellies, jams, and homemade candy.
14. Scrapbook Together
Spend some time scrapbooking together and talk about your favorite memories.
15. Have a Brainstorming Session
If you all are close, each person comes with a problem that needs solving, and you help each other find solutions. Sometimes we don’t even have a problem; it could be something like wanting to do “this thing” but not knowing how to get started.
16. Take a Fitness Class Together
If losing weight is a goal for you and your pals, take a fitness class together, and, if you can, keep it up to hold everyone accountable.
17. Take a Pottery Class
If you are looking for something unique to do, take a pottery class together.
18. Have a Tea Party
Host a tea party at one of your houses with tea, finger sandwiches, and little cakes. To make it more fun, everyone can dress up, and don’t forget to keep your pinky up!
19. Make Special Drinks Together
Choose two or three special drinks that you would like and have a class together.
20. Go to a Food Festival or Cookoff
Look for festivals in your area and across your state. Festivals are fun to go to and often go on all year. Some ideas are strawberry festivals, pumpkin festivals, or chili cookoffs.
21. Rollerskate
If you have a roller rink in your area, dust off those skates and hit the rink for some nostalgia. 80’s tunes, anyone?
22. Play Games Together
Get together and play some board games, video games, or outdoor games together. This could be a competitive game of Scrabble, a favorite video game, or a game of basketball or tennis.
23. Arrange Flowers
Buy some flowers, either fake or real, and some vases and spend an afternoon arranging them. Choose a few different projects like bouquets, a corsage, or a vase and create something beautiful.
24. Try a Cat Cafe
As long as no one is allergic, spend some time at your local cat cafe. Not only are the cats cute to look at and available for adoption, but hanging out with cats has lots of health benefits like reducing stress. Who knows, you may find your new best friend. Not a cat person? Have your friends and their furry pups meet you at the local dog park.
25. Virtual Reality Lounge
Check out a local virtual reality lounge in your area for some new and exciting fun.
26. Escape Room
If you aren’t claustrophobic and like games and figuring things out, head to your local escape room for some fun.
27. Bowling
Go to the bowling alley and play a few games. You could even create your own bowling league for the day, with special names like Gutter Ball Gloria, Strikem’ Out Stacy, and Brenda Bowling Shoes. You could even come up with categories and have prizes for the winners. (Ex: Most pins knocked down, best gutter ball throw, and most balls in the gutter.)
28. Cook Together
Choose two or three easy meals you would like to make and get together at someone’s house to cook. This way, everyone can take home two to three meals to put in the freezer.
29. Bake Together
This is a little sweeter than cooking together, but pick two or three things you would like to bake together so everyone has something to take home. You could make a coffee cake or muffins for breakfast, cookies for a snack, and another kind of cake for a special dessert.
30. Go “Booking”
Another idea for the bookworms in your life is to spend the day going to used bookstores in your area and then going out for dinner. This is a great way to add to the to-be-read pile at a good price.
31. Go to the theater
See if your local community center is putting on a show you would like to see and get tickets. Then dress up fancy and have a great time.
32. Sports Night
Who says boys are the only ones who can love sports? If you and your gals have a favorite team, whether in football, baseball, or even curling, get together for a big game night with special dips, finger foods, and fun!
There are many great ways to spend the day with your girlfriends. Whatever you choose, let your hair down and have a great time. You deserve it.
Most of us are uncomfortable with the idea of denying ourselves, especially from the things that give us momentary pleasure. Whether it be that second slice of cheesecake, or that weekly online shopping spree, the challenge to deny ourselves isn’t an easy challenge to accept.
But what if the concept of denying yourself became less about self and more about others? For marriage, in particular, what if practicing self-denial in certain areas would lead to a more fulfilled and happy marriage?
The truth is, there are certain habits we practice so frequently—without a single thought of denying ourselves—we start to assume those habits are our “rights.” But when couples are so focused on their individual rights, they often lose sight of the oneness God created for the marriage union.
Here are 7 ways denying yourself will not only help you become less self-centered, but also make your spouse happy in the process
1. Deny Avoiding Intimacy
Avoiding intimacy, or denying your spouse of lovemaking, can literally tear your marriage apart. Not only does it go against the Bible, according to 1 Corinthians 7:5, it goes against the blessing of oneness that God designed.
Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. (1Corinthians 7:5)
Deny yourself the excuses of avoiding intimacy, and you might find a renewed closeness that fosters both love and romance.
2. Deny Overspending
Countless marital struggles arise due to financial stress. And most of the time, consistent overspending is the culprit. If you struggle with overspending in your marriage, try to see your spouse’s point of view. How can self-denial in this area help your marriage thrive instead of merely survive?
For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evils. It is through this craving that some have wandered away from the faith and pierced themselves with many pangs. (1 Timothy 6:10 ESV)
By denying yourself the “right” to overspend, you’ll be showing your spouse respect for their hard work, and respect for your household finances. Hopefully, this will lead to a more balanced and happy marriage.
3. Deny Scrolling Social Media
Our spouses can easily feel ignored and unimportant when we are constantly scrolling social media. I’ve seen couples sitting across from each other in restaurants, on their phones, totally ignoring one another for the entire duration of their meal.
This is a big issue in our marriages today. According to this article, “the deeper issue is the feeling of disconnect you or your partner experiences when you get lost in your phone. You don’t truly listen or make eye contact, thus making your spouse feel ignored.”
While it’s tempting to check your phone every few minutes, make the decision to turn it off when sharing a meal or quality moment with your spouse. This is one form of self-denial that will truly make a difference in how you connect.
Do to others as you would like them to do to you. (Luke 6:31 NLT)
4. Deny Talking Too Much
Everyone likes to feel heard. And when one spouse constantly manipulates the conversation, it doesn’t take long for the other to start tuning them out. This isn’t the kind of communication that fosters a healthy marriage.
Consider the ways in which you can be a better listener and deny yourself the habit of talking too much. Here are a few actionable tips that might help:
Pray and ask God to help you listen more than you speak.
Ask your spouse about their day before you tell them about yours.
Turn off your phone and look them in the eye as they talk.
Resist the urge to interrupt or make your opinion known, unless specifically asked for.
Repeat what your spouse is telling you, to let them know you heard them.
Ultimately, when you deny talking too much, you are opening the door of healthy communication in your marriage, which will only lead to a happier, more responsive spouse.
My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry. (James 1:19)
If you’re constantly procrastinating, by putting off important things such as paying the bills, cleaning the house, or making dinner, consider denying yourself the nonconstructive pattern of laziness.
Of course, there will be seasons when neither spouse has the energy to cook or clean, but make those seasons far and few between. Instead of giving into laziness or procrastination, come up with a system that works for both of you. This might mean you alternate cooking and cleaning. It might mean you run errands on designated days. Whatever you choose, deny yourself the continuous habit of letting things go. Both you and your spouse will benefit from a workable schedule that gets things done.
May the favor of the Lord our God rest on us; establish the work of our hands for us—yes, establish the work of our hands. (Psalm 90:17)
6. Deny Asking for More
Discontentment in marriage is a dangerous thing. Not only does it always want more, it doesn’t appreciate what it already has. If you find yourself discontent—more often than not—try to get to the root of your unhappiness and get the help needed to find contentment.
According to this post, “Our conflict with others increases when our own contentment decreases. This is particularly true for our marriages. The opposite is true too—When our contentment increases—our conflict with others decreases.”
Make your spouse happy by denying yourself persistent discontentment. When discontented feelings arise, turn those feelings into offerings of thanksgiving. Make it a practice to thank the Lord for three things that are good in your life, every time discontentment raises its ugly head. Before long, you’ll be in a new habit of gratefulness and contentment.
Not that I speak from want, for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am. I know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need. I can do all things through Him who strengthens me. (Philippians 4:11-13)
7. Deny Demanding Spiritual Maturity
For Christian couples who are walking with the Lord, there can be a tendency to judge one another’s spiritual maturity. The danger of this is that the spouse who feels judged will either become resentful or feel defeated in their faith.
It is important to deny yourself the practice of demanding spiritual maturity from your spouse. This doesn’t mean you can’t encourage them in their faith. However, it does mean you don’t have the right to condemn them.
The Holy Spirit is the One who grows us up. It’s not our place to discount our spouse’s personal journey with the Lord. It’s our duty to build them up in the faith and walk humbly with God as an example.
He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God? (Micah 6:8)
While denying yourself certain things does make your spouse happy, it would be wise to approach self-denial as a commitment to follow the ways of the Lord. In doing this, denying yourself becomes less about your efforts and more about walking in the Holy Spirit. Rely on the wisdom of God to lead you into a healthy place of willingness, and deny yourself for the sake of a happy and thriving marriage.
Related Resource: Listen to our new, FREE podcast on marriage: Team Us. The best marriages have a teamwork mentality. Find practical, realistic ideas for strengthening your marriage. Listen to an episode here, and then head over to LifeAudio.com to check out all of our episodes:
Jennifer Waddle is the author of several books, including Prayer WORRIER: Turning Every Worry into Powerful Prayer, and is a regular contributor for LifeWay, Crosswalk, Abide, and Christians Care International. Jennifer’s online ministry is EncouragementMama.com where you can find her books and sign up for her weekly post, Discouragement Doesn’t Win. She resides with her family near the foothills of the Rocky Mountains—her favorite place on earth.
