Fighting is intrinsic and self-taught. Fighting well, in a way that protects and builds our marriage, however, isn’t. And few of us have positive role models in this area. As a result, by the time we get married, most of us have developed a lifetime of destructive behaviors. To handle conflict well, we need to unlearn harmful conflict patterns and replace them with positive behaviors, and this takes time, perhaps even decades. But the more we practice fighting well, the easier it becomes to do so. Through prayer, determination, and intentionality, we can learn to argue in such a way that our marriage comes out stronger.
Jennifer Slattery is a writer and international speaker who’s addressed women’s groups, church groups, Bible studies, and other writers across the nation. She’s the author of six contemporary novels maintains a devotional blog found at http://jenniferslatterylivesoutloud.com. She has a passion for helping women discover, embrace, and live out who they are in Christ. As the founder of Wholly Loved Ministries, she and her team partner with churches to facilitate events designed to help women rest in their true worth and live with maximum impact. When not writing, reading, or editing, Jennifer loves going on mall dates with her adult daughter and coffee dates with her hilariously fun husband.
“Kind words are like honey—sweet to the soul and healthy for the body”(Proverbs 16:24 NLT).
“Miss. Ginter is a hypocrite.” The survey form mocked me in the reflection of a glaring computer screen.
Despite the 140+ positive reflections of my class, I couldn’t shake that one comment: “Miss. Ginter is a hypocrite.”
With just two days of school left for students, my heart sank. I tried so hard for one-hundred-and-eighty days to get one-hundred-and-fifteen sophomores to feel loved, valued, and seen in my class. And yet, one felt I was a hypocrite. That one took me to my knees.
In between watching a film and passing out individual notes, I’d written for every student, I made an effort to make amends with this student. I didn’t know what I’d done wrong. In fact, I spent the entire year thinking they liked me and my class. But nevertheless, I wanted an answer to such a harsh critique.
With the courage and confidence I had left, I asked them to chat in the hallway.
Clarity in Conversation
“Is this about your end-of-the-year survey?” they questioned, crossing their arms as if they needed to defend themselves.
“It is,” I spoke calmly. Offering a gentle smile. A peace offering. Anything to make this wrong, I’d supposedly committed, right.
“Well, I said you’re a hypocrite because you told us you didn’t believe in giving us a lot of homework, and yet I had homework often. I’ve been so stressed out because there’s too much work to do,” their anger became visible. A scornful scoul and clenched fists erupted.
After a nearly ten-minute conversation and apology (on my end), I sought to understand and hear them. To know what had upset them to the point that they would call me a “hypocrite.”
The Power of Kindness
I tell this story not for you to think ill of this student, or to feel remorse for me, but to illustrate a point. A point that Proverbs 16:24 illustrates beautifully.
Just a few minutes prior to chatting with this student, I gave them their individual note. Of course, I’d written it prior to reading that they believed I was a hypocrite, so it gleamed how proud I was of them. How dedicated I saw their attendance in Bible Study, how hard they worked, and how kind their constant disposition was. Trust me when I say that placing this note of kindness on their desk felt like pouring salt on an open wound.
But you know what? I would do it all over again.
While I do not feel that I intentionally did this student wrong, nor do I feel they were accurate or honest in calling me a hypocrite, I can honestly say it’s probably a moment in my life that I will never forget.
Do You Care Enough?
Although I often don’t care what other people think of me (in the sense of acknowledging that not everyone will like me, and that’s okay), I do care that the kids I teach see Christ in me (yes, I work in a public school, and yes, I still make it known). In fact, at the beginning and end of every school year, I directly state that I care more about each of them as individuals than I do about them as students in my class. And I genuinely mean that.
Obviously, every teacher wants her students to succeed. If every student in my English class had an “A,” I’m sure the administration would be thrilled. So would I. But beyond academics, the life of a student is a life I have the opportunity to change. And more so, Christ can change them through me.
Many of you reading this post aren’t teachers. But I guarantee that you can relate in some way. Young adults are the next step of a new generation, and you better believe I will do anything I can (through Christ) to make them know that they are loved, chosen, safe, and cared for by Someone who died to know them.
The Reward of Kindness
About an hour after this difficult conversation with the student who called me a hypocrite, I felt better. Although I don’t think their view of me changed, I made it known that I was deeply sorry for hurting them and did indeed care about them and their future. And in a bittersweet turn of events, I received the following note in my inbox from a different student:
“Miss. Ginter, I can truthfully say that I am so glad that I had you as my English teacher this year. In general, you can tell you’re a really good person, trustworthy, kind, and truly the best teacher any student could ask for. To be honest, I’m not really the best Christian; I’m not one at all. I used to be and I’m trying to get back to it. I can thank you for that. From the very beginning of the school year you told us you were a Christian and you can see that. You’re so alive in a way, more than I have seen anyone in a very long time. So I’ve started going to Church. I wanted to say thank you. I will never forget you.”
*This note has been modified to protect the identity and privacy of my students.
I held back tears.
“Thank you, God,” was all that could escape my lips.
It’s been a week since I read those two notes, but my heart still feels the same. I’m blessed and honored to teach the student who called me a hypocrite, and I’m blessed and honored to teach the one who said they’d never forget me. Both are young adults that walked into my classroom nearly a year ago, not knowing what the world would hold, and both are ones I still wish the greatest success as they grow and mature.
If I’ve learned anything in my four years of teaching, it would be this:
Teenagers won’t remember the stunning outfits you poised together every single day.
They will remember the days you came to class sick or you accidentally caught a book on fire and had to tell the principal.
Teenagers won’t remember the regulated assessments you were forced to give to measure high-quality student data or prepare them for the state test.
But they will remember the humor you used in making fun of yourself in preparing them along the way.
Teenagers won’t remember all the grammar, books, or vocabulary words you made them memorize, even as interesting or fun as you tried to make them.
But teenagers will always remember the time you took out of your day to listen to them, whether it was for five seconds or five minutes. They will always remember the laughs you shared, the kindness you offered, and the love you endlessly gave, regardless of if they liked you or your class or not.
And why? Because any kindness, love, or laughter you’ve given them has come from the Source of life, love, and gratitude within you. We’re only able to give what we’ve already been given, so why would we hold back those immeasurable gifts?
There have been times in my years of teaching that I’ve questioned a lot of things. I still want to write full-time, so spending all my energy teaching is exhausting most days. But while I’m in this season, I’m reminded of God and His faithfulness to me:
In the gentle smiles.
In the shared laughs.
In the small talk.
In serious conversations.
And even in the turds.
Especially the turds who like to cause havoc on already challenging days.
Why? Because Christ died for me while I was still a sinner. And that means He died for each of these children too (most of whom probably don’t know Him).
So while I’m teaching, I will die to myself. I will die to the comments that are kind but also the ones that aren’t. Jesus “killed” His enemies with kindness, not out of spite, vengeance, or to grab the upper hand, but so they may someday partake in a relationship with Him. Why shouldn’t I be willing to do the same?
Amber Ginter is a young adult writer that currently works as an English teacher in Chillicothe, Ohio, and has a passionate desire to impact the world for Jesus through her love for writing, aesthetics, health/fitness, and ministry. Amber seeks to proclaim her love for Christ and the Gospel through her writing, aesthetic worship arts, and volunteer roles. She is enrolled in the YWW Author Conservatory to become a full-time author and is a featured writer for Crosswalk,ibelieve, Salem Web Network, The Rebelution, Daughter of Delight, Kallos, Anchored Passion, No Small Life, and Darling Magazine. In the past, she’s also contributed to Called Christian Writers, Southern Ohio Today News, Ohio Christian University, and The Circleville Herald. Visit her website atamberginter.com.
After my Dad passed away, I learned more about his generous heart. Although I experienced his generosity towards me growing up, it wasn’t until later in life I discovered more about his giving heart toward others. Dad followed Matthew 6:3-4:
He practiced his openhanded acts of kindness quietly. So when I say discovered, it was because he didn’t tell me or do it openly in a way for all to see or know, not even his immediate family. Instead, quietly and respectfully, behind the scenes, he gave in a way that uplifted, encouraged, and guarded the hearts of those he assisted. My Dad’s giving heart taught me about my heavenly Father’s generous heart. Growing up, I knew I could ask him for anything, and it taught me to understand I could ask God for anything, too. As John 14:14 explains, “You may ask Me for anything in My name, and I will do it.”
Likewise, I didn’t ever have to be concerned my earthly Dad would give me anything but something wonderful, which taught me the same about my heavenly Father. “Which of you fathers, if your son asks for a fish, will give him a snake instead?” (Luke 11:11) The following are seven lessons my Dad’s tender-hearted giving taught me about living generously.
1. Be respectfully generous.
On the way to my future sister-in-law’s bridal shower, my parents and I found ourselves lost on the seedy side of Chicago on a dark, cold wintry evening. Yet, even in that situation, I witnessed my Dad treat a drunken man on the street with the utmost respect as he called him over to the car to ask for directions.
As a teenager, I questioned my Dad’s wisdom, praying silently in the backseat for God’s protection over us. However, the respectful way he spoke to that man made a long-lasting impression on me. My Dad showed respect towards others based on God’s love for them rather than society’s view of what they deserve. 1 Peter 2:17 reminds us, “Show proper respect to everyone, love the family of believers, fear God, honor the emperor.”
2. Be generous in helpfulness.
Even though I don’t know all the ways my Dad reached out to help others in very practical and impactful ways, I do know of a few. He once supplemented a young mother of eight’s income after her husband, who worked for my Dad, left her and their kids for another woman. He went the extra mile in his position as a hospital administrator, hiring a newly married young couple struggling to find jobs to work in housekeeping so that they could start their life together. Finally, he helped a young man having an awkward time moving into his place to live, providing him with an excellent job and benefits. My Dad didn’t just talk the talk; he walked the walk, helping others when it was in his ability to do so. He lived out what Hebrew 13:16 encourages,
“And to not forget to do good and to share with others, for with such sacrifices God is pleased.”
3. Be quietly generous.
My Dad bought groceries for those who had little, took people out to eat, gave away cars, and more things I probably haven’t heard about yet. He was quietly generous, and my discoveries about his giving came from others who told me how he had helped them. Dad lived out 2 Corinthians 9:11-12: “You will be enriched in every way so that you can be generous on every occasion, and through us, your generosity will result in thanksgiving to God. This service that you perform is not only supplying the needs of the Lord’s people but is also overflowing in many expressions of thanks to God.”
4. Be mercifully generous.
Dad didn’t seem to give based on whether or not individuals seemed deserving of receiving it. Instead, he gave when he saw a need, realizing God offers salvation to the undeserving, which is all of us. Romans 5:2 discusses how, because of our faith, Christ has brought us into a place of undeserved privilege where we now stand and confidently and joyfully look forward to sharing God’s glory. As James 2:13 reminds us, with God, mercy triumphs over judgment.
5. Be generous in serving.
God goes out of His way to help the broken, the weary, and the downcast. He helps those who can’t help themselves because of physical or emotional limitations. Even though people may look down on those who are weak, God is compassionate toward them. Isaiah 40:26 explains,
“He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.”
My Dad’s heart expressed this compassion towards others. He understood and modeled God this way to those who needed help, consciously assisting people who others might say could have helped themselves. People sometimes don’t know how to be on their own, but with the loving support of others, uplifting and encouraging them, they can learn how to walk through the process. Dad seemed to understand and follow God’s example, as in Jeremiah 31:25, “I will refresh the weary and satisfy the faint.”
6. Be generous in loving others.
Most of all, my Dad loved people out of the love he received from his heavenly Father. Growing up under a harsh earthly father, he didn’t learn to love through him but through God’s love for him. 1 John 4:19 describes how this happens, “We love because He first loved us.”
Dad didn’t underestimate the influence God gives us. Through loving others, we can lead individuals to reconciliation with Him. 2 Corinthians 5:20 reminds us, “We are therefore Christ’s ambassadors, as though God were making His appeal through us. We implore you on Christ’s behalf: Be reconciled to God.” My Dad chose to love others; it was a joy and privilege for him to do so, not a burden. He lovingly practiced Romans 13:8, “Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another, for whoever loves others has fulfilled the law.”
7. Be generously compassionate. My Dad helped people who didn’t have anything to offer him in return. They were primarily individuals seeking to begin, start over, struggle through, or finish up in life. He taught me to make sure my heart is right when doing things for others, not expecting something in return but doing it unto the Lord. He lived out, “And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him” (Colossians 3:17). Dad demonstrated God’s heart, as described in Luke 14:13, “But when you give a banquet, invite the poor, the crippled, the lame, the blind, and you will be blessed. Although they cannot repay you, you will be repaid at the resurrection of the righteous.”
Lynette Kittle is married with four daughters. She enjoys writing about faith, marriage, parenting, relationships, and life. Her writing has been published by Focus on the Family, Decision, Today’s Christian Woman, kirkcameron.com, Ungrind.org, StartMarriageRight.com, and more. She has a M.A. in Communication from Regent University and serves as associate producer for Soul Check TV.
My husband and I waited nearly a decade for the Lord to bless us with a child. It was a long wait and a total surprise! No matter how much a baby has been prayed for or wanted, there’s no way around the profound ways pregnancy and having a baby change the marriage relationship! Many of the changes are wonderful! Some of those changes are wonderful but sort of like a refining furnace for your relationship.
As you prepare for a new member to join your family, here are five ways you can love your wife during this time in her life.
1. Commit Time to Daily Prayer for Your Family
“Isaac prayed to the LORD on behalf of his wife.” Genesis 25:21
As the spiritual leader of the household, the husband has a unique role that no one else can fill. Scripture says that a husband has a spiritual place of covering over his wife and family (1 Corinthians 11:3), so your prayers for your family are uniquely irreplaceable. Especially as you and your wife enter this transitional time, making sure you have a daily habit of prayer for your family is even more vital.
2. Pursue and Express Understanding Toward Your Wife
When I was pregnant with our son, I had some complications that affected delivery and the early months of our son’s life. Those complications were stressful. We can plop Bible verses on top of a lot of our tensions. And while they are still valid for a pregnant or new momma, there is a deeper sense of responsibility to these kinds of burdens than any other. For some pregnant mamas, the stress of trying to “hang on” to a difficult pregnancy, keep food or liquids down when their stomach revolts, or manage blood sugar that spikes and dips beyond any logic, and all the other many ways our bodies rebel against us during pregnancy, can really test the sanity.
Moms frequently feel responsible for everything that happens to their baby while pregnant. Yet, with the complexity of hormones, women are often even less in control of how their system responds to things than when they aren’t pregnant. It’s a rotten, traitorous thing of our bodies to let down the team when we need our bodies to behave the most! But it is a reality of some pregnancies, and for the moms who have that experience, a lot of understanding is necessary!
“You husbands in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with someone weaker, since she is a woman; and show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered.” 1 Peter 3:7
I have never claimed this verse as a favorite. But with early motherhood, I felt like as much as I didn’t love this verse enough to hang it on my wall, I had a brush of experience with it like never before. Some pregnancy complications and the months of caretaking a baby with health issues consumed all my strength, and I wasn’t the same partner I was before having a baby. I needed understanding and grace more than ever in our relationship. I loathed needing more support and help and despised that sensation of being vulnerable. But here was the Bible telling both of us that God designed husbands to be special vessels of understanding for their wives – even their stubborn, strong, I-can-do-everything-myself-wives that never want to need help.
Pray for God to open your eyes to understand your wife’s changing needs and for insight on how to express understanding, love, and support to her.
3. Be Filled Up with God’s Word
“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word…” Ephesians 5:25-26
This verse is covered in the next point also, but first, to be a loving, sacrificial husband, you need the power of the Word vibrant and active in your heart. It will give you the capacity to wash love and grace over your family. It will anchor you in your calling as a husband and anchor your family.
As you and your wife prepare for a new family member, there isn’t a better time to pursue a habit of being daily renewed in Scripture.
4. Love Your Wife Sacrificially
“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word…” Ephesians 5:25-26
While Christians are called to sacrificially love and bear with everyone, husbands are given a special call to sacrifice for their wives. While your wife is pregnant and in those early baby days, this will take on new meaning. Ask the Lord for insight on how to best sacrificially love your wife.
When I was pregnant, we learned how husbands could best take care of their wives after delivery in our birthing class. I was the absolute flip-flop opposite of what the experts said I would be! I think this is where Christians have a special gift! We have the help of the Holy Spirit through the seasons when even the “experts” don’t have it right. That is a huge comfort!
So, lean into the Lord, His guidance, and His Word to know just how to love your wife during this challenging season. Use the wisdom of “experts” in the field, but also listen diligently to your wife and the Holy Spirit to love her in the most effective ways based on her needs during this season.
5. Plan for Change
“The plans of the diligent lead surely to advantage…” Proverbs 21:5
My husband and I had been married for almost a decade when the Lord blessed us with our son; in other words, we were long established in our no-kid rhythm of life. We both served in vocational church ministry, and I had a side hustle business and a parachurch ministry. We worked a ton. When we relaxed pre-baby life, it was usually going on hiking and photography adventures. When our son was born, he cried and was unable to sleep for the first three years of his life (and yes, we got medical attention – we just had the not-so-awesome fortune of going through tons of doctors before we found one that was able to help!). It’s not quite the same blowing-off-steam experience to camp with a screaming baby or hike with a crying little one on your back. We didn’t have the support circle to have date nights, and no one else could really handle his crying even if we’d had a support circle to go on date nights. I didn’t have anyone to spell me to gather my brain to make business decisions while I tended a baby with health issues. So life changed for us a lot more than we imagined it would because our situation was so different from the other parents around us. Not everyone’s life changes quite so much when they have a baby. But being prepared for significant changes and making space for those changes can bless your relationship.
Consider praying and talking through these three areas that will need room for changes:
How you connect as a couple: Think through practical ways to express your heart to one another in five or ten-minute “stolen” moments. You might have those lovely weekly date nights, but you might be the couple that doesn’t get those stretches of time to reconnect. What are five ways you can express to your spouse that you love them and desire connection with them when time together is in short supply?
How you unwind as a couple: Stress relief seems to get more critical and simultaneously more elusive when you have a new baby on the scene. Do you know two or three ways you can help your spouse destress? Do you know two or three ways you as a couple can destress together?
How you pursue God together as a couple: Lastly, but most importantly, make plans to seek God together! Some couples have a sense of how they pursue God together before they have a baby. For others, this is a great transition time to implement the habits of seeking God together. Whether you have already established a path to connect with God as a couple or are pursuing it now, as parents, you are going to need and want the Lord’s wisdom and help more than ever! So begin praying and thinking about how to best connect with God as a couple and ask the Lord to help navigate your family’s changes while faithfully pursuing Him. My poor husband would often read the Bible to us, and I would fall asleep on him because I was so exhausted! This made all of us feel pretty bad! Be mentally prepared to possibly switch up the times and ways you seek the Lord as a couple and family.
Congratulations on all the joy and adventure that awaits your growing family! May God’s best blessings surround your family!
“Behold, children are a gift of the LORD,
The fruit of the womb is a reward.
Like arrows in the hand of a warrior,
So are the children of one’s youth.
How blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them.” Psalm 127:3-5
April Motl is a pastor’s wife, homeschool mom, and women’s ministry director. When she’s not waist-deep in the joys and jobs of motherhood, being a wife, and serving at church, she writes and teaches for women. You can find more encouraging resources from April here and here.
Marriage is the ultimate covenant between two people. When two people are joined in marriage, they vow to love, honor, and cherish each other through the best and worst of circumstances for the rest of their lives.
Not only is marriage God’s plan for his people but also marriages are to reflect the love of Christ and the church. Marriage is also the place where people see us at our worst. When we have unprocessed trauma and pain in our lives, the person we take it out on the most is our spouses.
This can cause our marriage to break down, and both parties stop thinking about each other and start focusing on themselves. The unmet needs and desires they have in marriage, which are not met, result in partners being angry and sometimes bitter.
But there’s still hope. When two people ask God for his help and obey his commands, even the most broken marriage can be mended.
As Christians, it is more important than ever to be praying for people’s marriages, especially for those who are going through a difficult season.
Here are six prayers for a broken marriage:
1. Father, Heal Us
One of the most important aspects of a healthy marriage is that both parties work on healing anything that hinders their emotional, mental, and physical well-being. Any emotional wounds that someone has can infect both the person’s abundant life and also the people around them.
It is difficult to be around two people who are constantly fighting or, worse, assassinating each other ‘s character. To combat this problem, spend some time alone with God. Ask him to show you any areas of your life where you are not healed.
If unhealed trauma results, and you need to forgive someone, forgive them. If brokenness means you’re in conflict with someone, do your best to settle the conflict. Nip conflict in the bud as soon as possible.
Ask God to keep healing old wounds until they’re completely healed. Psalm 34:18 says, “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”
2. Father, Speak to Us
Many marriages are broken because they don’t hear from God regularly. When a person becomes a Christian, they yield their lives to God. This means they allow him to direct their steps when it comes to their future spouse, their career, and everything in between.
God’s will is not for divorce but rather wholeness and healing. Although we should not look to our spouses to fill our lives with happiness, God does want us to work together in marriage to exemplify his joy in our lives.
After asking him to heal old wounds, ask him if there’s anything specific, he wants to tell you. The holy spirit dwelling within you wants to speak to us. He yearns to be in fellowship with us. This includes him telling us things that are for our education, comfort, and encouragement.
3. Father, Forgive Us
It is easy in a marriage to place blame on the other. Adam blamed Eve after they fell victim to the serpent’s evil ways. Since the beginning of time, people have wanted to place blame and make things someone else’s fault.
Yet, when we analyze our relationships, we often find we are just as guilty as the other party. Take the time to forgive your spouse for whatever they’ve done. This may take months or even years.
That’s okay. Forgiveness is a process; people often want to skip the process because it’s hard work. Forgiveness is hard; so was Jesus’ death on the cross. He died for us to live a life of freedom. That is the impetus to forgive our spouses.
Additionally, sometimes the person we can’t forgive is ourselves. Despite the reality that Jesus’ blood covers all our sins, we often want to hold on to our grievous behavior as a spiritual penance so that we can earn God’s forgiveness.
But God’s forgiveness came when Jesus died on the cross. We can live in freedom and ask God to forgive us, knowing that he is just and will forgive all our sins, even the ones we think are too horrible for God.
4. Father, Help Us Reflect You
Both partners in a marriage mirror the love of Christ for the church. Each person reflects Jesus. The best way we demonstrate our adoration for God is if we honor the marriage covenant. It is difficult to mirror Christ in a relationship where unmet expectations and trauma abound.
This is especially true if there is emotional or mental abuse within the relationship. The best thing we can do is seek help from professionals who can help us work through our issues so we can be the best spouse we can be.
5. Father, Give Us Peace
Scripture says, “As long as it stands with you, a little peace with everyone” (Romans 12:18). Although reconciliation may not be possible in every relationship, we should both strive to make sure that happens.
Peace may not be possible in every situation, but peace is what gives us the freedom to live a life secure in our identity as God’s child.
Peace is not necessarily just the absence of fear, but rather it is the contentment of knowing that Christ is in control of each situation and he wants what’s best for his children.
Proverbs 3:5-6 says, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.”
Sometimes God’s will is beyond our comprehension. But it is not our job to figure out what God’s will is. Our job is to simply trust him and know he will act on our behalf.
We can take comfort knowing God is in control and that we don’t have to figure out every situation to rather just yield to him.
6. Father, Help Us to Love as You Love Us
God loves us unconditionally. But we love others with conditions. Jesus sees people through the lens of sinners in need of a savior. He came to show all the world would have hope in him.
As humans, however, we place expectations on people, and when they hurt us, we are apt to cut them off or spend no time with them.
We see people through the lens of our past pain and feel the spirit, but God, who’s forgiven all sins, has already paid the penalty for our sins. He lives in the security of knowing that the wages of sin is death, but Jesus paid that debt in full.
If we could learn to be more like Jesus, we would see people through the lens of love and forgiveness. When we believe we are fully loved, fully forgiven, and that God loves us no matter what, we are more apt to see others in the same light.
This helps us more easily forgive people and love them just as Christ loves us. In our own humanity, however, that can be difficult. We must anchor our lives to Scripture and live as people fully loved. When we can do that, we can forgive and love others the same way.
If you are having difficulty in your marriage, reach out to a friend, pastor, or other leader who can help you sort out the issue. Make sure it is not someone we’ll see things with bias but rather someone who can look at it objectively.
Take their advice and do the hard work it takes to turn your marriage around. There is no sin that has not been covered fully by Christ, including your marriage. Let God be your guide, and allow him to transform both you and your spouse from the inside out.
Michelle S. Lazurek is a multi-genre award-winning author, speaker, pastor’s wife, and mother. She is a literary agent for Wordwise Media Services and a certified writing coach. Her new children’s book Who God Wants Me to Be encourages girls to discover God’s plan for their careers. When not working, she enjoys sipping a Starbucks latte, collecting 80s memorabilia, and spending time with her family and her crazy dog. For more info, please visit her website www.michellelazurek.com.
This article originally appeared on Christianity.com. For more faith-building resources, visit Christianity.com.
For some people, listening comes naturally as their personality is to be less verbal. Others may feel they have nothing to offer in a conversation, so they listen more than they speak. After all, God did give us two ears and only one mouth!
Whether we are quiet in nature or a person who is uncomfortable in silence and feels they must fill every space with words, learning to really listen to others is hard work. For a Christ-follower, however, it’s vital to our mission as God’s ambassadors and ministers of reconciliation.
2 Corinthians 5:18-20 – “Now all these things are from God, who reconciled us to Himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation, namely, that God was in Christ reconciling the world to Himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and He has committed to us the word of reconciliation. Therefore, we are ambassadors for Christ, as though God were making an appeal through us; we beg you on behalf of Christ, be reconciled to God.”
The way we listen can either draw people toward God or push them away. Even in our attempts to tell others about Jesus, we can talk too much in the uncomfortableness of a gospel presentation. Are we focused on downloading information and our beliefs without stopping to listen to the questions people are asking? Good listening skills can help us slow down and reduce our anxiety to win a convert. Instead of talking constantly, we need to hear what the other person is sharing about their own hearts and where they are in their spiritual journey, trusting Jesus’ promise that the Holy Spirit will give us the right words at the right time.
Listening well tells others they are valuable to us, and illustrates they are valuable to God. Just as God patiently listens to our prayers with His heart of compassion, we must learn to listen with more than our ears. Let us humble ourselves to close our mouths often, and when we do open them, make sure we speak timely words that produce life, hope, and peace in the hearts of the listener.
Proverbs 18:21 – “Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruit.”
Marriage is not merely a contractual agreement or a societal expectation. It is a divine covenant—a merging of two souls destined to walk together through life’s joys and trials. God created marriage to be a source of comfort, support, and friendship from the beginning. The book of Genesis 2:24 says, “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.” This union is meant to establish a harmonic bond, a safe haven where couples may find comfort in each other’s company.
In the realm of mental health, marriage plays a pivotal role. It has the power to nurture and uplift, providing a sense of emotional security and stability. A loving and supportive spouse can serve as a pillar of strength during times of adversity, offering a listening ear, a comforting embrace, and words of encouragement. The presence of a loving spouse can reduce stress, worry, and feelings of loneliness, creating an atmosphere that promotes excellent mental health.
However, the problems that come with marriage can significantly influence the couple’s mental health. The complications of combining two lives, as well as different expectations and unavoidable disputes, can have a negative impact on emotional and mental health. Unresolved disagreements, a lack of efficient communication, or poor relationship dynamics can lead to emotions of irritation, anxiety, and even despair.
Yet, even amid these challenges, marriage can be a catalyst for growth and healing. It provides an opportunity for individuals to confront their own vulnerabilities and insecurities, fostering personal development and self-awareness. As we navigate the intricacies of marriage, we are confronted with our own flaws, learning to extend grace, forgiveness, and patience toward our spouse and ourselves.
The foundation of a healthy marriage rests upon the principles of love, respect, and mutual understanding. Ephesians 5:25 reminds us, “Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it…” Love becomes the guiding force, empowering spouses to empathize, support, and uplift one another in times of need.
Moreover, the role of faith cannot be underestimated in the context of marriage and mental health. Placing our trust in God and surrendering our struggles to Him can bring peace, wisdom, and guidance. Philippians 4:6-7 reassures us, “Be careful for nothing; but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.”
In the pursuit of sound mental health within marriage, open communication and mutual support are essential. The ability to express one’s feelings, fears, and struggles without fear of judgment or rejection cultivates an environment of trust and emotional safety. Seeking professional help, when needed, is not a sign of weakness but a proactive step towards healing and growth.
As we continue on this journey of exploring the impact of marriage on mental health, let us remember that we are not alone. God is present, walking alongside us, providing the strength and wisdom we need. Let us strive to cultivate a marriage that promotes emotional well-being, supporting and uplifting our spouses in their journey toward wholeness.
The Importance of Mental Health in Marriage
Mental health encompasses our thoughts, emotions, and overall psychological well-being. It influences how we perceive ourselves, our spouse, and the world around us. It shapes our ability to cope with stress, navigate conflicts, and cultivate a loving and supportive atmosphere within the sacred bond of marriage.
Proverbs 4:23 reminds us, “Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life.” Our mental well-being is closely intertwined with the condition of our hearts, affecting our attitudes, perceptions, and interactions within the marriage relationship.
When spouses prioritize their mental health, they are better equipped to face the inevitable challenges that arise in marriage. The complexities of daily life, responsibilities, and external pressures can take a toll on our mental well-being. By tending to our mental health, we are nurturing the very essence of who we are, allowing us to bring our best selves into the marriage.
When individuals neglect their mental health, it can lead to a myriad of challenges within the marriage. Unresolved emotional wounds, untreated anxiety or depression, and unchecked stress can strain the relationship, hindering effective communication and emotional connection. Couples must recognize the importance of mental health and actively work towards its preservation.
Seeking God’s Guidance in Navigating Mental Health Challenges
In times of distress, when our hearts are heavy and our minds are weary, we can seek God’s guidance and find comfort and wisdom in His Word.
Prayer is a powerful tool that connects us directly to the heart of God. Amid mental health challenges within marriage, we can come together as spouses, hand in hand, and pour out our burdens, fears, and struggles before the throne of grace. We are reminded in Matthew 18:20 that “where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them.” Through joint prayers, we invite God’s presence into our marriage, acknowledging our dependence on Him for strength, healing, and guidance.
In prayer, we can express our deepest emotions, offering both gratitude and petitions. We can lay our burdens at the feet of Jesus, knowing that He cares for us (1 Peter 5:7). We can seek His wisdom and discernment, trusting that He will provide clarity amidst confusion. Together, we can intercede for one another, lifting up our spouse’s mental well-being to the One who knows and understands every need.
The Bible, God’s Living Word, is a treasure trove of comfort, guidance, and wisdom. As we navigate mental health challenges within marriage, we can turn to the Scriptures for reassurance and strength. Psalm 119:105 says, “Thy word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path.” By immersing ourselves in God’s Word, we gain perspective and insight. The Psalms, for example, express a wide range of emotions and can provide solace and encouragement in times of distress. Proverbs offers practical wisdom for navigating the complexities of life and relationships. The teachings of Jesus in the Gospels remind us of His compassion, love, and healing power.
In the journey of navigating mental health challenges within marriage, seeking godly counsel and support from trusted individuals can be invaluable. Proverbs 11:14 reminds us, “Where no counsel is, the people fall: but in the multitude of counselors there is safety.” This may involve seeking guidance from pastors, spiritual mentors, or licensed Christian counselors who can provide biblical insights and practical tools to help us navigate the complexities of mental health challenges.
In addition to professional guidance, being part of a community of believers can offer a sense of belonging and support (Ecclesiastes 4:9-10). By connecting with others who share our faith journey, we can find encouragement, empathy, and understanding. Support groups, prayer circles, or even engaging in open conversations with trusted friends can create a space where we can share our struggles, receive prayer, and gain perspective.
During mental health challenges within marriage, it is essential to remember that God is sovereign and His timing is perfect. Even when we cannot fully comprehend the reasons behind our struggles, we can trust in His unfailing love and faithfulness. Romans 8:28 assures us that “all things work together for good to them that love God.” God can use our trials to shape us, strengthen our faith, and bring about beauty from ashes.
Therefore, while seeking God’s guidance, we must exercise patience and trust in His timing. Some challenges may require ongoing perseverance and a journey of healing. In these moments, we can draw comfort from Isaiah 40:31, which promises that ” But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.” By surrendering our timeline to God and aligning our hearts with His purposes, we can find peace in knowing that He is working all things for our ultimate good.
Supporting Each Other’s Mental Health
Supporting each other’s mental health is an essential aspect of a thriving and God-honoring marriage. As spouses, we have the privilege and responsibility to create a safe and nurturing environment where both partners can flourish emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.
One of the foundational pillars of supporting each other’s mental health is open communication and active listening. Proverbs 18:13 says, “He that answereth a matter before he heareth it, it is folly and shame unto him.” By creating a space where both partners feel heard and valued, we can foster an environment where thoughts, feelings, and concerns can be openly shared without fear of judgment or rejection.
Active listening involves more than just hearing the words spoken—it requires attentiveness, empathy, and a willingness to truly understand the other person’s perspective. It means setting aside our own preconceived notions and giving our full presence to our spouse. Through active listening, we validate their experiences and emotions, fostering a sense of emotional connection and trust.
Supporting each other’s mental health requires a proactive approach to building a strong foundation for emotional well-being in our marriage. Here are two key areas to focus on:
1. Prioritizing Self-Care
2. Prioritizing Emotional Well-being
Caring for ourselves is not a selfish act but rather an act of stewardship of the bodies and minds God has given us. Jesus reminds us in Mark 12:31 to “love thy neighbor as thyself.” It is difficult to pour into our spouse’s mental health if we neglect our own.
Prioritizing self-care involves engaging in activities that bring us joy, rest, and rejuvenation. It means setting healthy boundaries, managing stress, and practicing self-compassion. By taking care of ourselves, we model the importance of self-care to our spouse and create an atmosphere where both partners can thrive emotionally and mentally.
Our relationship with God also serves as the cornerstone of our emotional and mental well-being. Psalm 62:8 encourages us to “trust in him at all times; ye people, pour out your heart before him: God is a refuge for us.” By cultivating a deep and intimate connection with our Heavenly Father, we find solace, guidance, and strength to navigate life’s challenges.
Nurturing our relationship with God involves spending time in prayer, studying His Word, and seeking His guidance in every aspect of our lives. It means surrendering our anxieties, fears, and burdens to Him, trusting in His divine wisdom and perfect plan. By drawing close to God individually and as a couple, we create a spiritual foundation that sustains and supports our mental health journey.
Supporting each other’s mental health is a sacred responsibility within marriage. Through open communication, active listening, encouragement of professional help, and the cultivation of a strong foundation for mental health, we can create an environment where both partners thrive emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. By prioritizing self-care and nurturing our relationship with God, we can journey together, hand in hand, towards greater emotional well-being and a deeper connection with one another and with our Creator.
Emmanuel Abimbola is a creative freelance writer, blogger, and web designer. He is a devout Christian with an uncompromising faith who hails from Ondo State in Nigeria, West Africa. As a lover of kids, Emmanuel runs a small elementary school in Arigidi, Nigeria.
I picked him up at the airport just before midnight, scruffy and weary after two days of travel. We had been apart for a month, a decision we prayed about and made together. Though I stayed behind, I felt like part of what he was doing. Questions about our commitment to each other never entered in. It’s one of the best things about marrying your best friend.
Follow the hashtag #bestfriend on Instagram and you’ll find over 61 million images including pets, marriage proposals, babies, teenagers, and more pets. A lot of couples describe themselves with the label “best friend” on social media before they marry and on special occasions later on.
It isn’t until life partners live in the pressure cooker of life together that they dig deeper than companionship and cultivate true friendship.
Best friends aren’t born, they’re developed. Treasured friendships usually grow over time and through shared experiences spanning seasons leading to uncommon understanding between two people. Some like to think marriage and friendship are best kept in different beds.
However, marriage between best friends takes both matrimony and friendship to a whole new level. Here are 5 of the best things about marrying your best friend.
1. KNOWING
Be married to the one who knows you best.
Have you ever played the Newlywed Game at a marriage event or small group? Everyone wants to be the couple who knows all the answers about each other. No one wants to be the disconnected partner who can’t remember their lover’s favorite drive-thru order.
Ironically, recalling our favorite comedy and the song we first danced to doesn’t always indicate how good our married life really is. “Knowing” goes way beyond the facts of casual friendship.
The Bible uses the same word for “knowing” each other sexually that it uses to describe the understanding of a person inside a love relationship. “But whoever loves God is known by God,” (1 Corinthians 8:3). To be genuinely loved is to be genuinely known. To be genuinely known is to be genuinely loved.
By learning to have full knowledge of each other, we understand each other. Nowhere else does a relational level of knowing reach the depths of who we are at our core than in living life as partners, including sharing physical intimacy with each other. One of the best things about marrying your best friend is the liberty a couple finds.
The freedom of friendship expresses itself in open communication, cooperative partnership, and yes, unhindered intimacy. It’s so good to be fully known by a best friend who has marriage partner level “clearance.”
2. ACCEPTANCE
Choose to accept the one you love.
The love of a husband for his wife leads to acceptance. As he exercises “agape” love for her, he intentionally turns from other priorities, accepting her, and joining himself to her. This decision to attach comes from a divinely created design to develop a best friendship. With the full acceptance of an intimately known friend, a husband and wife experience certain acceptance.
Acceptance doesn’t come with a guarantee of constant delight, cooperation, or satisfaction. Instead, matrimony purposing to get to the best friend level assures both partner that when the going gets tough, the friend won’t get going. The decision to gut it out through ups and downs demonstrates that the relationship is more than good company; it’s committed to stretch through the seasons.
Honest married people will admit to having had head shaking moments of frustration with their spouse. They may even think back to a “different option” who had best friend potential but didn’t embark on the journey of seasons and years, of highs and lows, to get to the kind of knowing you only know in marriage. But being married to your best friend allows for the benefit of full acceptance across the landscape of feelings.
Being married to your best friend means, “the two will become one flesh,” (Ephesians 5:31). Husband and wife accept one another into one another so that they join their separate lives into a single life. We know they maintain their uniqueness as God created them, but in a mysterious way, being known in one flesh overflows into being accepted in that oneness.
3. TRUST
Believe in the best friend next to you.
When you’re deeply known and totally accepted by the best friend you’re married to, you get to a level of safety you didn’t know you could reach with another, imperfect human being. You find yourself there at the table, in the pew, in bed, and online. You trust.
Experiencing trust with a marriage partner doesn’t exclude having a BFF of your same gender. Husbands benefit from someone to hang out with on a guy’s night. Wives find it helpful to have a girlfriend to share with. In fact, closer friendship with your spouse usually results in further freedom to have a dear friend of your own kind.
Confident belief in the trustworthy reliability of our mate leads to a stronger bond.
Remember the early days of your relationship? Maybe you wondered if you were really both serious. Maybe you wondered if someone else was moving in on your territory. Maybe you questioned if your mate enjoyed flirting with others. Maybe you wanted to see who was texting. There’s no substitute for time and testing to develop trust between friends and, even more, between married partners.
Friendships fall apart without trust, and so do marriages. But trust has a way of forging strong bonds taking friendships and marriages to “best friend” levels.
4. ENJOYMENT
Love being with the one you love.
God gave Adam all of creation to enjoy, but He made a husband and wife to enjoy other exclusively. Eve was no animal! And despite what wives may think at times, a husband is no animal either. While neither mate is created to provide all the other would need, the Creator makes it clear His carefully matched design is intended to bring joy.
After God acknowledged man’s state of being alone was “not good,” He responded to the need by making a woman. Instead of being perpetually separated from anyone who would “get” him, God prepared a matching mate to be the kind of partner who would be known, accepted, and trusted. In a garden of first-born created creatures, God brought the first one flesh union together with an invitation to, “Enjoy each other like no other.”
The invitation to know, receive, trust and enjoy each other was in a class of its own. It’s as if God forged marriage and friendship together in a relational category all its own. So few go there when they settle for companionship or even relationship. To build marriage on best friendship is to go to a sacred place.
“Adam, my friend, this is the best friend you’re hoping for.”
“Eve, my daughter, this is the best friend you’ll be dreaming of.”
I don’t have to be my husband’s hiking buddy, just like he doesn’t have to be my pottery class partner. Having our own interests makes us more interesting! But actively pursuing shared experiences and mutual interests moves us one step closer to being married to our best friend.
When we live in a veiled version of harmony, less than best friends, we miss out on God’s invitation to fully enjoy the other half of our one flesh union. Without pursuing depth of friendship, husbands and wives risk hovering in shallow layers of life together without taking the plunge into the purest streams intended for their oneness. No one wants to stay in murky, standing water; it tends to stagnate.
5. SECURITY
Hold fast to your friend and mate.
A deep, clear quality of married life to a best friend is a place we want to stay. Are you suddenly feeling like your marriage is a thin substitute for what could and should be a rich life married to your best friend in life? If you want the confidence and security that comes with being one flesh this way, you’re not alone.
If you want more for your marriage, you’re wanting exactly what God wants. He planned for this amazing potential to move in powerful ways in our marriages. No one can pray for a husband like a wife or husband for a wife. No one can be such a completely safe relationship as a wife for a husband and a husband for a wife. Marriage can be a safe, powerful, inspiring place to be when you’re there with your closest friend. When a marriage bond also becomes a best friend bond, it’s a powerful place to be.
Rather than fear you’ve married the wrong person or lost the chance to go deeper, be encouraged that it’s not too late. Best friends aren’t born, they’re developed. Your marriage and your friendship hasn’t become all it can be yet. There’s so much more to develop and discover together.
Genesis 2:24 explains that when a man and woman get together, it’s the beginning of learning to “hold fast” to each other. Marriage is created to be a safe place to find a sacred quality of security.
God wants you to get to genuine #bestfriend status in your #marriedlife. These are just five of the best things about marrying your best friend. Put the power of prayer and the Holy Spirit to work to get to know, accept, trust, enjoy, and keep the best friend you married.
Growing up, I remember watching romance movies and thinking, why are they making love so difficult? Just go to that person, apologize, and makeup. Live happily ever after you’re obviously meant to live. Boy, was I naive. I’m nearly five years into marriage and let’s be honest — marriage is the absolute hardest thing to do in this world. What starts as fun and romantic can turn to bickering and stonewalling.
No one escapes the difficulties of marriage; they all have ups and downs. Even seasons when you’re not quite sure if you’re going to make it. For many, even though divorce is a bad word, the thought of it crosses our minds at the darkest of moments.
I used to imagine I’d be a patient, gracious, and loving wife. That I’d be the kind of spouse that made marriage easy. Yet again, I was so naive. Because what I didn’t see in those movies were real life and my own sinful nature. If I’m being really honest, I haven’t been the wife I imagined. I’ve been selfish, proud, and reacted poorly more often than I’d like to admit. I’ve stonewalled and retreated, snapped out of anger, and been unkind.
If we aren’t diligent, those mistakes can snowball into a barren marriage. Two people living in a home, like ships passing in the night—near but not seen.
8 Bible Truths for an Unhappy Marriage
If you’re reading this, you’ve likely been there, are there, or prepare for days ahead. Days when you don’t like your spouse. Days when you don’t feel like talking, let alone forgiving. Moments when you’re so hurt or angry that checking out seems like an option. Days when you’re not sure your marriage is going to make it.
For those days, I have eight thoughts I want you to remember. Eight truths I want you to carry with you in those dark days.
1. God Can Heal, No Matter How Impossible Reconciliation Seems
It may seem that the hurt and distance is too far to come back from, but neither is impossible for God to restore. In fact, that’s what He does best: redeem. When you surrender to His working and pray for His healing, God can go to work in even the direst situation. If He can conquer death, which He did, then He can bring that same victory to your marriage.
Go to Him daily in prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, and invite Him into the relationship. Even if all seems lost—there’s still hope in His hands.
“And Jesus said to him, ‘If you can’! All things are possible for one who believes’.” Mark 9:23
2. Pray for Your Spouse and Marriage
Prayer is often lost in the busyness but it’s one of the most important things you can do. When you pray, things happen.
It’s hard to see victory without prayer so bring your marriage to the Lord daily. Pray for healing and reconciliation; invite Him to help you be more patient and kind; ask God to work in your spouse’s heart.
A devotional I highly recommend is The Power of a Praying Wife and The Power of a Praying Husband, both by Stormie Omartian.
“In my distress I called to the Lord; I cried to my God for help. From his temple he heard my voice; my cry came before him, into his ears.”Psalm 18:6
3. Love Is an Action, Not a Feeling
There will be days you don’t feel love for your spouse or even like them. But love isn’t a feeling, it’s an action. It’s something you are called to have for everyone, and that is particularly true for your spouse.
The honest truth is, every marriage will have days that are harder than others. And most will see days when love seems distant. But every marriage that has stood the test of trial and time is a marriage that fought for love even when there was no emotion for it. Action kicked in and love endured.
Even when you don’t feel like showing your spouse love, do it anyway. It can be the very thing that helps turn the tide.
“Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.”1 Corinthians 13:4-8
4. Adopt Forgiveness
Forgiveness is key in any relationship. We all say careless words in passing or make selfish decisions that hurt those we love most. And your spouse has or will likely do this to you. When this happens, adopt forgiveness.
In those hard seasons, we want to withhold forgiveness until our spouse has made right on the hurt we feel. And over time, our own lack of forgiveness builds a hard wall around both hearts. One of the best ways to soften a heart is to forgive. No matter how often you must.
Jesus said in Matthew 18 that there is essentially no cap on forgiveness. Peter asked if forgiving seven times was enough, but Jesus responded to forgive seventy-seven times. When your spouse has hurt you, remember to forgive quickly. Even is they don’t ask for it, forgive. And do it often.
“Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.”Colossians 3:13-14
5. Show Empathy
Empathy goes a long way in a relationship. If I’m one hundred percent honest with you, this can be hard for me. I’m an Enneagram eight and if you know anything about an eight, vulnerability is hard and we want to fix the problem. So letting my guard down and empathizing is work for me. I’m not great at it but I strive to grow in this area because I see how valuable it is not just in marriage but in all relationships.
Jesus always showed great empathy. When He saw the people as sheep without a shepherd, He went to them (Matthew 9). When He saw the sick and hurting, He healed them all (Matthew 8). When Jesus saw the Samaritan woman—a person Jews would avoid—He went to her because He knew she was worthy of being seen (John 4).
Remember in the hard times that your spouse is hurting too—not just you. Pain causes us to draw in but you’re most like Jesus when you press in with love. When you love the unlovable.
“Finally, all of you, have unity of mind, sympathy, brotherly love, a tender heart, and a humble mind.”1 Peter 3:8
6. Remember Your Vows
This is basic but it’s powerful.
Over time, with the hardships and pains that come with life, what you shared in the beginning fades. You forget how fun you use to have together. The wonderful memories you made. You even forget the vows you once made to one another.
Pull out the vows you wrote to your spouse, or watch your wedding ceremony video. And remember the commitment you made to one another. Remember how you started out with fierce loyalty to each other—in the good and the bad—and renew your commitment to the marriage.
Perhaps even consider reading your vows to one another again.
“Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.”Mark 10:7-9
7. Be Willing to Work Hard
No lasting marriage has ever been easy. In fact, if you were to ask most people who are still married into their golden years, they’d probably say there were days they didn’t know if their marriage would make it.
You will never make it to the end unless you’re willing to do the hard work. To fight your emotions and do the right thing. To forgive and endure and show empathy. You’ll have to fight spiritual battles over your marriage with prayer and God’s Word.
“So do not throw away this confident trust in the Lord. Remember the great reward it brings you! Patient endurance is what you need now, so that you will continue to do God’s will. Then you will receive all that he has promised.”Hebrews 10:35-36
8. Seasons Don’t Last Forever
There is a season for everything—that’s what Solomon shared at the end of his life. After his abandonment of the Lord and, it appears, his first marriage, he reflected on the emptiness of chasing after his own desires.
In those darkest days in a marriage, you may imagine a life apart from your spouse. But what Solomon essentially said is that the grass isn’t greener on the other side. Find the purpose in the season and know that this time won’t last forever.
There are so many various seasons in life and marriage. There will be dark days but there will also be beautiful days. If you will commit to the hard work marriage requires, you’ll come out of the hard season. And on the other side of that hard season is a love stronger than the love you had before.
“To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven.”Ecclesiastes 3:1
More Scriptures about Marriage
Proverbs 19:14 ESV – House and wealth are inherited from fathers, but a prudent wife is from the Lord.
1 Peter 3:7 ESV – Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.
Proverbs 18:22 ESV – He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord.
Genesis 2:24 ESV – Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.
Ephesians 5:22-33 ESV – Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, …
1 Peter 4:8 ESV – Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins.
Proverbs 31:10 ESV – An excellent wife who can find? She is far more precious than jewels.
Psalm 85:10 ESV – Steadfast love and faithfulness meet; righteousness and peace kiss each other.
Brittany Rust has a passion to see people impacted by the power of God’s Word and His abundant grace through writing and speaking. She is the founder of Truth and Grace Ministries, Truth x Grace Women, and is the author of five books. Brittany lives with her husband, Ryan, and son, Roman, in Castle Rock, Colorado. Learn more at www.brittanyrust.com.
Have you ever listened to a problem that a family member or friend was sharing and immediately started giving them ideas for what they should do to make the situation better? “Read this book,” “Take this supplement,” “Buy this course,” “Get more exercise,” “Drink more water,” and on and on it goes. The person listening to you acknowledges your suggestions, leaves the conversation, and never takes your advice. Your suggestions may be beneficial, but they fall short.
How about sharing your own experience when you hear about another person’s difficult situation? Hoping it will help, you quickly tell your story relating to the current struggle. While the story may have merit, it puts the focus on you and takes the focus off the person sharing who just needed a listening ear and some encouragement.
Your desire to help and support those you care about is rooted in love, compassion, and empathy. It’s difficult to see your friends and family walk through hard things. However, it’s important to understand the limitations of your role in addressing the problems and struggles of others. You can better navigate these situations by focusing on active listening, self-reflection, respecting personal journeys, and relying on God’s wisdom and sovereignty.
In your human-ness, you cannot fix anyone else’s problems or struggles, and here’s why:
1. Listening Should Be Your First Response
In your eagerness to assist, you may jump into fix-it mode before truly hearing the full story. There is immense power in being an attentive listener. Sometimes, all someone needs is a listening ear and an empathetic heart.
By refraining from imposing your own ideas and stories, you can create a safe space where others feel heard and valued. This involves deeper listening to truly hear, not just surface listening to respond, and this is a rare gift to the other person.
Proverbs 18:13 reminds us that speaking before truly listening is unwise and leads to shame. Instead, let’s practice being quick to listen and slow to speak, recognizing that sometimes the best thing we can offer is our undivided attention and encouragement.
2. You Have Limitations
While your intentions may be genuine, it’s important to recognize that you cannot fix someone else’s problems or struggles. You must avoid coming across as judgmental or condescending by assuming you know what is best for someone else.
Instead of attempting to fix another person, you can humbly acknowledge that you have your own areas of growth and challenges to navigate. Matthew 7:3 warns against focusing on the speck in your brother’s eye while ignoring the plank in your own.
You can redirect your focus inward on yourself. By cultivating self-awareness and striving for personal growth, you become a living example of the transformation you desire to see in others.
3. The Situation Is Complex
Each person and their issues are complex, and rarely is there a simple, one-size-fits-all solution. It’s vital to acknowledge that you do not possess all of the information needed to offer a comprehensive solution.
The only person who knows all of the details about the situation at hand is the person dealing with the situation. Consequently, they are the best person equipped to find a solution.
Rather than providing quick fixes, you can be curious and ask thoughtful questions that help your friend or family member explore various possibilities to discover a resolution. This empowers them to find their own way with God’s guidance.
In being curious and asking questions, you create an environment of trust and collaboration that allows for deeper exploration and growth.
4. You Must Honor Others’ Personal Growth
God created each one of us with free will and the capacity to make our own choices. Every individual is on a unique journey of personal growth and transformation. While it may be tempting to bear the burdens of others, you must respect their path and allow them the opportunity to learn, make mistakes, grow, and mature.
Galatians 6:5 reminds us that each person must bear their own load. Instead of trying to fix someone else, you can offer your support through prayer and genuine empathy. Trusting in God’s sovereignty, you can release your desire to control the situation and allow His perfect plan to unfold.
5. You Must Honor God’s Sovereignty
You must remember that you are not God. He has a purpose and plan for everything that occurs in your life and the lives of others. When you feel compelled to intervene, you can surrender the person and their situation to God, trusting Him to work in ways beyond your comprehension.
His plans are always good, even when you can’t see that now. Think about how much you care about the person you want to rescue from their pain. Remember that God loves them more than you do. This always helps me when one of my adult children is having a hard time, and I start to get caught in fix-it mom mode.
As humans, we have limitations. We cannot change another person or situation. God is the only one who can bring lasting transformation to any person or situation.
Exodus 14:14 reassures you that “The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.” You can rest in this promise and let God be God.
It’s in moments of surrender that you can experience a profound sense of peace and faith. By acknowledging your limitations and placing your trust in God, you invite His wisdom and power to work in the lives of those you care about.
In your journey as a Christian, it’s essential to recognize and respect the boundaries of your role in helping others.
What would happen if you did not quickly try to fix other people’s problems? What would happen if you asked a few questions instead of offering a quick-fix solution? What would happen if you really listened when others were sharing their struggles?
James 1:19 tells us that we should be quick to listen and slow to speak.
What can you do instead of trying to fix a person or situation?
While you can’t fix someone else, you can support and encourage them through prayer and offering a listening ear. By learning to be an attentive listener, you create a safe space for others to share their hearts and find solace in being heard.
Offering encouragement and understanding can foster a deeper connection with others and demonstrates Christ’s love in a tangible way. Our role is to point others to God and His transformative power. Trusting in God’s sovereignty and understanding that change and growth are ultimately in His hands can provide comfort in challenging situations.
Ultimately, each person is responsible for their own actions, and until they take ownership of what needs to be done to move forward, there’s nothing you can say or do that will affect change or growth in their life.
Position yourself as a mom, spouse, friend, or family member who desires to understand the struggle that your family and friends are experiencing. Learn to ask good, clarifying questions that help them explore how they feel, verbally process, and formulate their next steps around the situation they are facing.
This is the best gift that you can give another person–to truly listen to them and walk alongside them as they walk through hard seasons. May you be known as a person who listens with compassion, trusts in God’s plan, and offers unwavering support.
In a Christian home, family devotion is vital. It is a time when family members gather together to worship God, study His Word, pray for one another, and encourage each other with faith. For believers, family devotion is not only a duty but a privilege and a blessing, as it strengthens the bond of love and unity among the family members and helps them grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.
The Bible teaches us that God has instituted the family as the basic unit of society. And He has given parents the responsibility to train their children in the way they should go (Proverbs 22:6). Therefore, parents can fulfill their God-given role as teachers and good examples for their children through family devotions.
By worshiping God as a family, you demonstrate that you belong to Him and that He is your highest priority. This practice also shows that your home is not conformed to this world but transformed by the renewing of your minds (Romans 12:2). Family devotion also serves as a testimony to the world of the reality and power of the gospel. If done right, family devotion can serve as a means of witnessing to neighbors, friends, relatives, and others who may observe or hear about it. It may even lead some to seek the Lord and His salvation.
Unlike what most people might think, family devotion is not a burden but a joy. It is not a legalistic ritual but a spontaneous expression of love and gratitude to God. It is a creative opportunity to connect with God and each other and can be done at any time of the day, in any place, and in any way that suits the family’s needs. The important thing is that the family devotes time regularly to honoring God.
Family devotion is a precious gift from God; it is a means of grace and growth for every Christian home. It serves as a source of peace and comfort in times of trouble and a fountain of joy and hope in times of despair. It is a treasure that we should cherish and guard with all our hearts.
Your Role as Parents in Family Devotion
Devotion acts as a method of strengthening the links of love and solidarity among family members while also growing in faith, so the Christian parents’ roles as spiritual leaders in the family are critical.
Parents have the responsibility and privilege of leading their children in the ways of the Lord and modeling a godly lifestyle for them. As a Christian parent, you are the major spiritual instructor and influence in your children’s lives. You have the chance to inculcate in your children a love for God and His Word, respect for His presence, a passion for His purpose, and a desire to do what He says. Deuteronomy 6:6-7 reminds us, “And these words, which I command thee this day, shall be in thine heart: And thou shalt teach them diligently unto thy children, and shalt talk of them when thou sittest in thine house, and when thou walkest by the way, and when thou liest down, and when thou risest up.”
You have the ability and power to encourage spiritual talents in your offspring. You must pray for the protection, guidance, healing, and prosperity of your children. You may give encouragement to your children, as well as reveal God’s promises to them. You may even lay hands on them to receive the anointing and empowerment of the Holy Spirit.
Therefore, it is your ultimate goal to make family devotion a priority and a habit by designating a certain time and location for it. You may choose resources and ways for family devotion that are suited to your children’s ages and interests. It is also important for parents to make family devotion pleasant and engaging by including their kids in the planning and participation.
Learn to share your experiences and testimonies with other families and encourage them to do the same. This may encourage them to join or start family groups that gather regularly for family devotion and encourage one another on their spiritual path.
Benefits of Family Devotion
Regular devotion time together is one of the most satisfying and joyful activities a Christian family can participate in. It is an excellent method to develop the bonds of love, trust, and faith among household members while also growing closer to God as a family unit.
Here are some of the advantages of family devotions and why Christians must make them a priority:
Family devotions allow you to study and apply God’s Word to real-life circumstances. Families may acquire knowledge, insight, and direction from God’s Word by reading and debating it together and then applying it to their personal and family difficulties. It may also assist families in memorizing and reflecting on significant Scriptures that will encourage and inspire them throughout the day.
Family devotions develop a prayer and worship culture in the home, during which families may express their gratitude and needs to God by praying and thanking Him together and feeling His presence and peace in their midst. Family devotions may also assist families in interceding for one another, family, friends, neighbors, the church, and the world. Praying and worshiping together may help enhance the family’s love and regard for God and foster a desire to honor Him in all they do.
Family devotion also boosts each family member’s spiritual growth and development. They may assist each other in their knowledge, understanding, and connection with God through spending time with God together. It also helps parents model and teach their children how to follow Jesus, live according to His will, and share His love with others. Family devotions may also assist kids in developing a personal faith and a virtuous character that will benefit them throughout their lives.
Psalm 133:1 says, “Behold, how good and how pleasant it is for brethren to dwell together in unity!” Family devotions ultimately help families develop a strong sense of togetherness, identity, and purpose as a God-honoring family. They may experience the gifts of God’s grace, love, and power in their connections with Him and with each other by making family devotions a priority and a routine in their homes.
Practical Tips for Family Devotions
A wonderful way for a Christian family to develop faith and love is through family devotion. Though devotions can be difficult to keep up with, here are some helpful suggestions to make your family devotions more enjoyable:
Pick a regular time and location. Your family may prioritize devotions and stay focused by following a pattern. Whether it’s early in the morning, just after supper, or right before bed, find a time that works for everyone. Choose a calm, comfortable location, like the living room, dining room, or lawn.
Make use of various resources. There are numerous books, software programs, websites, and podcasts that you can use to give your family devotional content. Use your Bible, hymnal, or prayer book if you choose. Use different resources for various days to vary things. This can maintain your family’s interest and involvement.
Include all parties. Family devotions involve more than just the parents leading and the kids following. Everyone is welcome to take part and make contributions in various ways. You can alternate between reading the Scripture passage, picking a piece of music, sharing thoughts, asking questions, and praying aloud. Additionally, you can designate roles like leader, reader, prayer leader, or singer.
Be adaptable and imaginative. Family rituals don’t have to be strict or monotonous. You can modify them to fit the requirements of your household. Depending on your schedule and attention span, you can make them shorter or longer. Through the use of games, crafts, activities, or stories, you can also make them entertaining and engaging.
Concentrate on the main idea. Family devotions shouldn’t be treated as a lesson or test. They are intended to assist your family in learning more about God and His Word and practical ways to incorporate truth into your daily lives. Avoid getting caught up in the minutiae or disagreements. Keep your attention on the passage’s or lesson’s major topic and how it applies to your family.
Be transparent and truthful. Family devotions provide a secure forum for communication between members of your family and with God. Be open and honest about your difficulties, your uncertainties, and concerns, as well as your compliments and requests. Encourage one another to listen respectfully and communicate truthfully.
Pray for one another. Family devotions are a fantastic time for everyone to pray for one another. You can offer prayers for the members’ individual needs or requests and for general blessings or direction. Outside your family, you can also pray for missionaries, friends, and relatives. Praying for one another can deepen your relationship and demonstrate your concern.
Emmanuel Abimbola is a creative freelance writer, blogger, and web designer. He is a devout Christian with an uncompromising faith who hails from Ondo State in Nigeria, West Africa. As a lover of kids, Emmanuel runs a small elementary school in Arigidi, Nigeria.
Don’t get me wrong. The man who courted and later married me isn’t just a Christ follower. John also exemplifies the love chapter, 1 Corinthians 13, on a daily basis. Get to know my husband, and you’ll see how the above description fits him like a tailored suit. There’s no way I would’ve nodded yes if John weren’t a Christian, to begin with.
Yet here I am, toiling to see if there could be any loophole that might sanction dating a nonbeliever. This is partly because I abhor adding yet more bad rep about Christians or Christianity. But the main reason is that I don’t want anyone to mistake God for a grouchy killjoy.
At the same time, I won’t be doing you any good by lying to you. So, can we talk about this? One tip to help you make it through this article is to keep an open heart. (Especially if you’re already dating an unbeliever.) Let’s review possible reasons why you might consider relaxing your standards by dating just anyone.
1. Compromise
As the people of God, we are set apart for His use (1 Peter 2:9). Because of this, God draws a boundary around who we are allowed to marry: “Stop becoming unevenly yoked with unbelievers. What partnership can righteousness have with lawlessness? What fellowship can light have with darkness?” (2 Corinthians 6:14, ISV).
Dating is meant to serve as a precursor to marriage. As such, dating an unbeliever means you’re endorsing the possibility of sharing the rest of your life with someone who doesn’t share your faith.
Which is a risky business.
As Jesus said, “even if you were to gain all the wealth and power of this world—at the cost of your own life—what good would that be? And what could be more valuable to you than your own soul?” (Matthew 16:26, TPT).
Compromise poses significant risks. Before compromising your convictions by dating outside biblical boundaries, weigh things carefully.
2. Nothing Serious
But perhaps you’re just having fun. Maybe you’re not ready to settle down and are only in the market for free food. Flirting. What’s the harm in dating a nonbeliever if this is your mindset?
Plenty. Even if you set out to date with a pure heart because we all influence each other, dating a nonbeliever might sway you to their way of thinking.
Here’s how the Living Bible puts it: “If you listen to them you will start acting like them” (1 Corinthians 15:33).
Besides, someone with little to no regard for God’s Word may thoroughly welcome unwholesome and destructive activities. After all, while Scripture serves as our compass for what’s edifying and what’s not (1 Corinthians 10:23), non-Christians don’t necessarily view it this way.
A nonbeliever may embrace everything as fair game, regardless of how it might impact you. For instance, what if your non-Christian date wants to cap off the evening sexually? Mix your drink with a dangerous substance? Force you to abandon your moral convictions?
Will you suppress your conscience and sin for the sake of your date?
3. Loneliness
Do you feel lonely? You’re not alone. Post pandemic, 58% of Americans share your sentiment.
But if loneliness drives you to date just anyone, think twice. The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines a date as “a usually romantic social arrangement to meet with someone.” But no romantic undertone is necessary if the goal is to cure loneliness. Adding romance to the mix—especially when the other party isn’t a believer—is begging for trouble. At best, you might get your heart broken, and at worst, you might walk away from your faith.
You can enjoy a meal or a movie with another. Even while keeping things strictly platonic.
4. Evangelistic Dating
Perhaps the person you’ve been dating isn’t just a knockout but also caring. So what if they don’t confess Christ? You can evangelize them while dating. Right?
I have a cousin whose love story took this trajectory, so yes, this route may pay off. However, for every successful evangelistic dating story, there are even more stories of Christians who lost their convictions after dating nonbelievers. In one case, a devout atheist married a Christian woman, and while both retain their respective worldviews, their kids and grandkids are agnostic.
Ultimately, the next generation is why dating an unbeliever is inadvisable. Malachi 2:15 explains it this way, “Has not the one God made you? You belong to him in body and spirit. And what does the one God seek? Godly offspring.”
We don’t just get married for our sakes. We marry fellow believers so that together, we can reproduce and raise the next generations for God.
5. Sexual Health
Can we be brutally honest? Some single adults date for the companionship. Others, for sex.
I heard about one such man. When his friends asked how this guy, who professed to be a Christian, could justify sleeping around, he explained it’s for the benefit of his “sexual health.” This kind of logic finds no backing in Scripture. In fact, God commands the exact opposite: “But you can’t say that our bodies were made for sexual immorality. They were made for the Lord, and the Lord cares about our bodies” (1 Corinthians 6:13, NLT).
God designed sex to be practiced only within marriage (1 Corinthians 7:2). Anything that violates His perfect standard will yield future heartaches because His Word carries a protective function for us (Psalm 81:14).
If remaining single and celibate is tough, remember how Jesus roamed the earth in a male body while maintaining sexual purity. Ask Him for the secret. Plus, reread the end of 1 Corinthians 6:13, the verse we passed by a couple of paragraphs ago. The Lord cares about your body; as such, pray for help so you can “control your own body in a way that is holy and honorable” (1 Thessalonians 4:4).
6. God Takes Too Long
Maybe you’ve been holding out for that compatible Christian to date, but that person is still absent. Perhaps it’s the arid—not to mention long—waiting that drives you to date a nonbeliever.
I get it if your patience wears thin because time seems powerless to shift your single status.
Nobody who waits on God will be ashamed (Psalm 25:3). He hears your petition for a mate. Not only that, our compassionate Father has flawless memory. God remembers your need and will come through no matter how long it has been.
Habakkuk 2:3 says, “This vision is for a future time. It describes the end, and it will be fulfilled. If it seems slow in coming, wait patiently, for it will surely take place. It will not be delayed” (NLT). Use this verse to bolster your commitment to never settle for less—even if it may feel like your God-given spouse will never arrive.
The Only Yes
Found it! While I stand by everything we have just discussed, there’s indeed a yes to the question we started off with.
Is it okay to date a nonbeliever? The only yes is if God says so.
Whether or not you hear Him correctly, however, is something we can tackle another time.
Audrey Davidheiser, PhD is a California licensed psychologist, certified Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapist and IFSI approved clinical consultant, as well as author of Surviving Difficult People: When Your Faith and Feelings Clash. After founding and directing a counseling center for the Los Angeles Dream Center, she now devotes her practice to survivors of trauma—including spiritual abuse. Visit her on www.aimforbreakthrough.comand Instagram @DrAudreyD.
“How do I trust someone with my body after domestic violence?” “What if sex triggers me?” “What if I’m unable to please my spouse sexually?” “What if I’m too damaged to have a relationship?”
These are practical questions and real concerns from abuse survivors. Some of us were married to our abuser. Others were abused by a parent, teacher, pastor, or sibling. Whatever the case, the distortions of love and sexuality – the lies that constrict our hearts and minds – leave echoes of fear and shadows of insecurity long after we’ve broken free. We may desire a romantic relationship, yet fear our past will sabotage our future.
Because every abuse survivor is different—different personalities, different experiences, and different triggers—it’s impossible to write a one-size-fits-all solution. Nevertheless, while I encourage you to speak with a counselor about your unique situation, I will give you a general response and pray it sets you on the right path.
God Made Sex
When I was a kid, I felt like walking cancer. I thought I was a trigger for the sins of my father. Like a spiritual Typhoid Mary, I feared I was infecting men with sexual perversion wherever I went. People I loved, even my own dad, were falling sick with sin because of me. I was afraid to get too close to Godly men, like my pastor or elders, because I feared causing them to stumble.
But one Sunday, our pastor preached a sermon about sex. It was one of those services where they send out all the kids, and warn adults to grab their smelling salts because things are about to get awkward.
Rather than daunt me, these warnings made me curious. I sat in on that sermon and I listened well. I learned that when God made Adam and Eve, he told them to, “Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it,” Genesis 1:28. After God created man and woman, he said, “It is very good,” Genesis 1:31. Because of this, we know that sex is good. Sex was invented, designed, and purposed by God for good.
Adam and Eve were intended to have a loving, physical, marital relationship; one man and one woman, faithful and affectionate. Had they not become sinful, their marriage could have lasted forever. But sex existed before the Fall; before sin entered the world.
While sinful people may use sex in sinful ways, sex itself is not sinful or anything to be ashamed of. It is only when sex occurs outside marriage and without love that someone has sinned.
That sermon threw a wrench in my abuser’s mind games. The lies my father shouted and that Satan whispered began to unravel. I started to realize that my dad’s perversion was entirely his own creation. It was nobody fault but his. Not mine. Not God’s. Not maleness as a gender. Not even Satan’s. My abuser’s sin was totally my abuser’s fault.
End the Guilt-Trip
Abusers often try to convince us that all sexuality, even loving sex within the bounds of marriage, is shameful or evil. Transversely, they may claim that all sex—even violent or non-consensual sex—is acceptable within the bounds of marriage. My father taught me both these lies simultaneously, and the effect was confusion and despair.
Abusers may claim that our anger at their evil is just as sinful as their violence. They may misrepresent our justifiable fear, revulsion, or indignation, by accusing us of being unforgiving, disrespectful, self-righteous, or unsubmissive. They minimize their own sin, while piling shame on us. They may hope we’ll feel too embarrassed or guilty to seek help or report them.
Understanding this pattern—that evil people falsely accuse to maintain control over us—is vital. Seeing through their lies is like ripping off a blindfold. Rejecting their patterns of thought is like severing the fetters which chain us to misery.
We may feel confused because we found our abusive spouse attractive. But of course we found them attractive! It’s not sinful to be attracted to your spouse. On the contrary, it’s good and healthy. At some point, we loved our violent or perverted husband.
But love is not a sin, nor does it make us complicit in theirs.
We may have felt flattered by a parent’s inappropriate attention, but it is not wrong for a child to want to please their father or mother, or desire to impress a teacher, pastor, or family “friend.” Children are supposed to trust adults.
Innocence is not a sin, nor does it make us complicit in theirs.
Love Is Not Lust, Truth Is Not Shameful
And hope is not weakness. As survivors, we have to redefine concepts our abusers have wrongly defined. We need to reorient our perspective on fundamental concepts like romance, sexuality, masculinity, and marriage. Slowly but surely, we need to learn to differentiate our natural instincts and wholesome desires from sinful choices and evil intent.
For example, lust is inappropriate thoughts which a person meditates on, obsesses over, and develops. Lust may start as a small idea, but it’s fed over time until it grows into fantasies and obsessions. Eventually, lust can impede our ability to think pure thoughts or feel wholesome love. It affects how we treat others.
To lust is to choose and chase temptation. Simply finding someone attractive or sexually desiring a spouse is not the same thing.
Attraction is a natural feeling that happens to healthy adults. We know this because, like sex, God made it. The chemicals he incorporated into our bodies react to stimuli resulting in emotional and sometimes physical responses. For example, if an attractive person smiles at you, you may blush. That doesn’t make you evil. It makes you human.
But unlike abusers, when we see an attractive person, rather than lusting, we recognize them as God’s creation. Meaning we treat them with honor and dignity. We don’t fantasize about them, take advantage of them, try to seduce them, or intentionally make them feel awkward. Basic emotions and chemical reactions are not sin in and of themselves. It’s how we act upon them (both in our imaginations and in real life) that may be sinful. That’s why one of the fruits of the Spirit is “self-control” (Galatians 5:22).
Nevertheless, the guilt-tripping and trauma from past abuse can inhibit godly and loving Christians who desire a wholesome sexual relationship, yet fear sin.
If this is you, consider reading through the Song of Solomon. Remember, these words were inspired and ordained by God himself. They are not just good; they are holy. They are the divine ideal for how a loving groom romances his bride, and an honorable wife flirts with her husband. It’s OK.
There’s no shame in expressing the feelings and desires God designed you to enjoy. Your sexuality is not “dirty” or anything to be afraid of. Rather, it is a gift from God intended that you may glorify him through your love, life, and marriage.
Identify Your Triggers and Create Anti-Triggers
Many survivors fear that sex or flirtation may trigger their anxiety or PTSD. Triggers are strange things. They may be the layout of a room, the scent of a particular aftershave, a song, or a particular pick-up line. Work on narrowing down what exactly triggers you. Often, you’ll find it’s not sex in general, but something much more specific. A hand on your shoulder from behind. A particular room in the house. The act of getting undressed in front of someone.
Once you recognize your triggers, you can hopefully avoid them, work around them, or at least mentally prepare yourself for them. Tell your spouse what they are, so they can avoid them too.
Decorate your home so it looks nothing like the place where you were abused. Use scented candles, laundry detergent, and other fragrances that are different than what you might have smelled where you were abused. Create a new environment for your new relationship that won’t reminded of your old relationship, even subconsciously.
One trigger of mine was the smell of freshly mown grass. Obviously, I couldn’t expect our neighbors to let their yards run wild, and I couldn’t cloister myself indoors to avoid such a common scent. So, I came up with an anti-trigger. I selected a good memory—the day my mom gifted me rose perfume—and leveraged it to combat my PTSD. I bought a small rose-scented candle and kept it in my purse. Whenever I began to feel depressed or anxious, I pulled it out and smelled my memory. It took me back to that happy moment; that feeling of being loved and safe.
While triggers create panic, anti-triggers bring calm. Think back to your own happy memories; a time when you felt safe, cared for, and at peace. It doesn’t have to be monumental, just sentimental. Now think of a little thing (a song, smell, activity, or item) that you could use to create an anti-trigger. Use that anti-trigger to relax when you feel stressed. You may have to try several before you find one that works well, but don’t give up. When this technique works, it’s a game changer.
Look for Jesus in Your Loved One
Like all people, abuse survivors understand the world based on what we know. We see people and situations through the lens of our experiences, many of which were negative. Past events have informed our expectations and perception of others. But our fear is a learned behavior.
Abusers taught us to fear abuse. To fear sex. To fear trust. The good news is, if you could be taught to feel afraid, then you can also be taught to feel loved and safe. And you can teach yourself.
So, in closing, I’d like to encourage you to practice thinking about your godly spouse—not through that learned lens of abuse, but through the lens of Jesus. At first, it may feel awkward or unnatural, but after a while, equating your loved one with God’s love will begin to happen instinctually.
Is your loved one patient? Think about The Good Shepherd, patiently tending his sheep (Psalm 23, John 10).
Is your loved one great with kids? Meditate on how Jesus loved the little children and blessed them (Matthew 19:13-15).
Do they help with housework? Recall how Jesus washed the disciple’s feet (John 13).
Are they the life of the party? Jesus was quite popular at that wedding in Cana! (John 2).
By doing this, you’re replacing painful triggers with new and positive emotional triggers. You’re turning your spouse into an anti-trigger.
So, practice emotionally linking your spouse with Jesus. The goal is to slowly unravel negative thought patterns and reknit your mind in patterns of grace and joy. We’re throwing out those old relationship blueprints of fear and shame, and replacing them with blueprints drafted by God himself.
It’s a process, but eventually, your new method of thinking will become ingrained. I had to make intentional repeated efforts to equate my husband with Jesus to avoid being subconsciously reminded of my abuser.
It took years, and I still work on it, but the result is ongoing spiritual growth and an increase in love, trust, and a feeling of safety.
I pray that this article, albeit a brief overview, encourages you as you grow and progress away from the mindset of abuse and into the mindset of God’s love. He created you. He created your spouse. He loves marriage and affection and family.
You are not defined by what others have done to you. In fact, you’re not defined even by what you yourself have done.
If you place your faith in Jesus, you are defined by the perfect and holy love of God.
Jennifer Greenberg was abused by her church-going father. Yet she is still a Christian. In her courageous, compelling book Not Forsaken, she reflects on how God brought life and hope in the darkest of situations. Jenn shows how the gospel enables survivors to navigate issues of guilt, forgiveness, love, and value. And she challenges church leaders to protect the vulnerable among their congregations. Her reflections offer Biblical truths and gospel hope that can help survivors of abuse as well as those who walk alongside them.
Oh, did you think you were the only one that has an awkward small group? A small group that dutifully meets together very regularly, but still feels like strangers? A small group that looks like a motley crew of completely different backgrounds, interests, maturity levels, or availability?
Well, rest assured, you are not the only one who is experiencing this. Sometimes small groups just “click,” and that’s great. But for the groups that don’t click, there is so much hope. It isn’t because you’re doing anything wrong if your group is like this–in fact, it is very within God’s character to make the most beautiful relationships come from the most unlikely circumstances!
Take the Tower of Babel, for instance (Genesis 11). God didn’t confuse all the people’s languages so that they couldn’t build the tower that they wanted to. God confused their language so that they could build the tower the right way–by seeing one another’s very different perspectives!
So, if your group feels stale, shallow, or just plain awkward, try these 4 practicals to pump lots of love and patience into your group, and see what God can do!
1. Embrace the Awkwardness
You know that within the church body, we’re supposed to be as close as family. So it can be tempting to grin and pretend like your group feels super close, or to feel embarrassed that it doesn’t.
But there’s nothing to be embarrassed about. Relationships are hard and they take time. So instead of faking family or giving up altogether–just embrace where you are!
Take a look at your group and ask yourself, if they didn’t have God in common, would any of you naturally be friends? If the answer is no–what a glorifying situation for God to move in.
That answer can also validate why it has been so tough to connect. So embrace that “no.” Give God the time and the room to forge lifelong friendships out of your current awkward silences.
Get comfortable being uncomfortable. What I’m saying is, acknowledge the awkwardness so you can move forward authentically and without shame. And then celebrate the awkwardness, because God is about to get so much glory!
2. Plan Fun Times as Well as Spiritual Times
One frustration for many small groups is that it feels like people just won’t open up. You want to be the vulnerable, open, loving community that God calls you to. But there’s awkward silence whenever there’s an open-ended question about Scripture or when you call for prayer requests.
Although it seems counterintuitive for a small group to have times together that aren’t focused on spiritual things, they may be just what your group needs in order to feel like they really know the people they’re with, and therefore open up!
Some people need deep talks to be able to loosen up and have fun. But some people need to have fun before they trust people enough to be deep. So, planning spiritual times and fun times can help your group tremendously.
Plus, this gives your group a chance to find common ground and love up on individual people. Even if someone’s interest feels totally awkward at first, it will become so fun if the group commits to it.
Does someone in your group really love obscure anime films that no one has else has ever heard of? Instead of shunning this person’s interest, explore it as a group. You’ll all have fun and bond over doing something new, and the person whose favorite movie it is will feel so special that their interests were paid attention and honored.
Is there a person in your group who is really athletic, but the rest of the group isn’t? Plan a low-stress volleyball game or a bowling night. You’ll start to see where your venn diagram of interests overlaps, the more new things you try.
Take advantage, of course, when these times do provide you with the opportunity to share something you’re learning from the Bible or a prayer request you have. But let your group blow off some steam and bond together as full people, just like you would your family!
3. Initiate, Initiate, Initiate
Ah, what a wonderful world it would be if every relationship you were in met you 50/50. Or, even better, everyone reached out to you! But unfortunately, that’s just not how the real world works.
People are busy. People are worried about their families, their finances, their dogs. As much as they might love to know you, they will never get a chance to unless you reach out. That’s just reality.
So, don’t take it personally if no one in your small group is reaching out to spend time with you or get to know you as a person. Chances are, they really would like to, but week after week gets away from them. So pick up the phone!
And do it again. And again. And again.
Relationships take a lot of time and a lot of effort. This is a beautiful thing, because it’s how God loves us, without expecting anything back. So, as much as you can tolerate it while still taking care of yourself and getting your relational needs met elsewhere, reach out without expecting anything in return.
If you know someone prefers to hang out one-on-one, ask them to meet you at their favorite coffee shop. If you know someone who likes bigger groups, plan a game night. Be like Jesus and meet people where they’re at. (And if you don’t know what people’s preferences are, just ask! That alone goes a long way).
4. Commit to the Long Haul
If you’re like me, you’re very tempted to want results right away. I’ll have one good conversation with someone, and then am frustrated when we’re not best friends. When this happens, I need to remember that good things take time.
Relationships are one of the things that God has created that take a lot of time to grow. You don’t plant a seed and expect to eat a meal from it the next day. You don’t put $100 in a savings account and expect to be a millionaire by that night. Good. Things. Take. Time.
To help you tolerate this, think of something really big that God has done in your life that took a lot of time. It could be all the sleepless nights you endured in order to get your degree. Or the number of diapers you had to change before your toddler was finally potty trained. Or all the phone calls you had to make before your girlfriend finally moved to your town to be with you.
The process feels excruciating, but the reward is wonderful. Relationships, especially for groups that don’t naturally have a lot in common, are the same way.
Resist the temptation to compare where you are now to where you were a week ago. Instead, think 6 months back, or a year ago! Are people at least smiling when they see each other, instead of shrugging? Is there at least a little bit of easy-going small talk that happens before the passage you’re discussing gets read?
Soak in those little victories and feel confident that God is not done with your group yet.
You’re not doing anything wrong. You’re not less spiritual or less worthy. You’re just a group of humans that needs lots of time, love, and patience, just like everyone else.
So, try to enjoy the process as you embrace the awkward. It’s about to get really good.
Kelly-Jayne McGlynn is a former editor at Crosswalk.com. She sees the act of expression, whether through writing or art, as a way to co-create with God and experience him deeper. Check out her handmade earring Instagram and Etsy for more of her thoughts on connecting with God through creative endeavors.
Making friends as an introvert can be extremely difficult at times. As an introvert, I understand how hard it can be to put myself out there in front of new people. It can be easier when you are younger and attend the same school as tons of other kids; however, it can become difficult the older you get and the more isolated your routine becomes.
If you are having trouble making friends, you are in the right place. Here are five ways for us as introverts to make friends:
1. Find Common Interests
One way for introverts to make friends is to find common interests with others. A friendship cannot be bonded between two people unless they have common interests. As introverts, we often have a hard time carrying on conversations; therefore, it is much easier to talk with others if we can talk about something we are interested in. Introverts normally don’t enjoy small talk, which is why it is important for introverts to be able to connect with others on a deeper level.
If you want to make new friends, try to talk with others as you feel comfortable and try to discover their interests. If you both have shared interests, it will be much easier to build a friendship. By having shared interests, you will have many things to talk about, and you will never run out of content to share with one another. Since introverts try to avoid being awkward, it can help if the conversation is centered on something the introvert feels knowledgeable and/or comfortable with.
2. Adopt A Pet and Have Them Introduce You to New People
A second way for the introvert to make friends is to adopt a pet and have them introduce them to new people. As a disclaimer, not all pets will help you make friends, such as fish or cats. However, if you adopt a dog, it will likely help you make friends because many people will be more open to waving hello to a dog than striking up a conversation with a stranger. As a fellow introvert, I know it can cause great comfort to have the barrier of a dog when communicating with others.
Since you have a dog, it can make it easier to leave the conversation when you need to, as you can simply say, “I need to get my dog home.” This will make it easier to leave without being rude when you are feeling overwhelmed. It also helps in the sense that you will feel more comfortable talking to others because your dog will be there, and your dog can be a gateway to open conversation with others. A dog can help you remain calm and become grounded if you find yourself drifting off mid-conversation with others.
While my family dog passed away many years ago, I have noticed it is easier to talk with others if they are walking a dog. I never directly start a conversation with others since I’m an introvert and tend to be shy; however, if others start a conversation and they are walking a dog, it makes me more comfortable to talk with them. Through other people owning dogs and being kind enough to make conversation, I have made many friends that I wouldn’t have made on my own. Maybe you will find this helpful as you seek out new friendships.
3. Join a Book Club
A third way to make friends as an introvert is to join a book club. I personally love books and have found it easy to connect to the characters in the stories. Maybe you also enjoy reading and enjoying connecting with characters. In a way, it can almost seem as though the characters in the stories become your friends. You can use this in a positive way by talking about the characters you have read about and relate to within the community of a book club. It can be hard to start a new group, such as a book club, yet you might be able to find some new friendships by joining a pre-existing club.
There are many book clubs you can join, whether online or in person. If you choose an online book club, it might be harder to maintain a good connection sometimes; however, it might be the perfect friendship for you. If you decide to go in person, try not to allow yourself to be swallowed in anxious thoughts. Pray for God to help you in this area, and He will. By going in person, you will be able to have a better feel of the room and be able to read others better.
Choose to sit beside or talk with someone who looks friendly. Since you will all be reading the same book in the book club, you will be able to discuss deep topics of the book and hear each other’s views and opinions surrounding the book. In addition, book clubs tend to offer guided questions/conversations, so the pressure isn’t on you to start and carry on conversations. This will be a great place to hear others’ viewpoints and see how you relate to their opinions. Through book club, you can form new friendships and connect with others on a creative level.
4. Volunteer
A fourth way for introverts to make friends is by volunteering. Volunteering is a great way to meet new people and build friendships. I personally have volunteered many times over the course of my life, and each time, I made friends. While it can be scary to talk with people, volunteering helps diminish the scariness because multiple people are working toward the same goal. Understanding each other’s passions is its own form of silent but powerful communication.
Consider volunteering at the library and making friends with the other workers or other volunteers. You could discuss topics such as books, films, or other things that are typically checked out from the library. Or you could check in with your local pregnancy crisis center, animal shelter, or kids’ community center to see if they need a helping hand; this is an ideal way to find friends who love investing in the community–furry friends included.
Since volunteering is typically a more long-term commitment, it will give you plenty of time to build strong friendships. Even if you volunteer at a place you don’t particularly enjoy, the other people there might make the experience better. Never underestimate how much volunteering can bring people together and help them form friendships.
5. Talk with Your Neighbors
A fifth way for the introvert to make friends is to talk with her neighbors. Whether you live in a house or an apartment, talking with your neighbors can be a great way to make friends. My family and I are mostly introverts. However, we have found it easier to make friends with our neighbors since we see them on a regular basis. Making friends with neighbors is also unique because you will probably make friends with people of different ages and backgrounds, yet you have your culdesac community in common.
One of our neighbors became my friend after we talked about birds and how we enjoyed bird-watching. I first started talking to this neighbor over a decade ago, and we still talk whenever we run into each other in the present day. In the same way, you too can make friends with those around you. Being an introvert can bring unique challenges to the table; however, it doesn’t have to impair your ability to make friends.
Many individuals believe introverts don’t want to talk to people, yet this isn’t always true. Introverts do want to talk with people—we just have to be comfortable talking with you first. In truth, introverts can make great friends and are often fantastic listeners. If you are an introvert, trust in the process and know that you can make lasting friendships, even if it might take some time. On the other hand, if you are an extrovert, try to be kind to introverts and seek out a friendship with them. Oftentimes, some of the best friendships are between an introvert and an extrovert.
Vivian Bricker loves Jesus, studying the Word of God, and helping others in their walk with Christ. She has earned a Bachelor of Arts and Master’s degree in Christian Ministry with a deep academic emphasis in theology. Her favorite things to do are spending time with her family and friends, reading, and spending time outside. When she is not writing, she is embarking on other adventures.
When a man loves a woman, he wants to make her happy. No expense or sacrifice is too great. God loves us and sent His Son to repair our relationship so our joy may be full. This joy does not depend on our past, circumstances, or struggles. It entirely rests on who Christ is.
Behold what manner of love the Father has lavished on us that we could be called daughters of God! Our joy grows as we experience and re-experience the glories of His love.
Oh Lord, how manifold are Your works! Our joy grows as we realize the graciousness of His plans for us.
All the promises of God in Christ are yes and Amen, so that God may glorify Himself through us. As we come to trust all that God has told us and promised us, our joy overflows. There is no greater comfort or strength than Him.
Being single in today’s church often feels like a waiting game. You’re put on hold in ministry, service, even spiritual growth until you say “I do,” and you’re either pitied or not seen at all. Unlike today’s church, God is not mystified by the presence of unmarried Christ-followers in the pews. In fact, he has masterful plans for those without a ring on their finger. Alisha Plummer points out how God is eager to empower them with purpose and passion. In Confessions of a Christian Spinster, Alisha explores God’s design specifically for Christian singlehood through amusing tales and scripturally based truths. She tackles the difficult questions the church often ignores, like: Where do I fit in? Does the church even want me? Has God forgotten about me? What happens if I never get married? Further, she confronts the church, calling for an adjustment to its couple-centric culture, and asking Christians to understand that their single brothers and sisters are not only valued by God but integral to his kingdom.
Singles will feel seen through Alisha’s words; they’ll be encouraged to seize their role in the church and inspire their pastoral staff to reinvent their culture on singleness. is a powerful resource for those seeking to live and thrive in a perplexed church–and a way forward for the church itself.
Pastors and other Christians face many challenges in ministry, not the least of which is providing comfort when the tragedy of a miscarriage strikes families. The loss of a child presents parents with a heartache which seems insurmountable. But the loss of a baby even before they are born is grievous almost to the point of being unassuageable.
What does a pastor, a family member, or a friend say and/or do to help ease the bereaved ones’ burden? The best place to start is on our knees in prayer, and in God’s Word. Only God’s Word will bring healing to one’s spirit and soul. It’s our responsibility as His ambassadors (2 Corinthians 5:20) to speak God’s loving truth to the bereaved, as led by His Spirit.
Does the Bible Mention Miscarriage?
The Bible directly mentions miscarriage in 2 Kings 2:21 when the Lord God addresses His peoples’ need to rely on Him as opposed to the false god, Baal, to heal them from such things as miscarriage.
The word miscarry is used in Exodus 23:26 as the Lord’s promise to the Hebrews of no miscarriages, and also to make them fruitful in the Promised Land. “Miscarry” is also used in Job 21:10 as Job rails against the wicked, whose cows do not miscarry.
While the Bible does not directly speak to the affects of miscarriage, it does give us at least one important account of a suffering parent.
In 2 Samuel 12, we read about David’s sin against the Lord, and against Bathsheba and her husband, Uriah. David and Bathsheba’s adultery led to the conception of a child. In verse 14, Nathan the prophet tells King David his child with Bathsheba will die. The child was born and the Lord afflicted the child as He said He would.
David sought the Lord by prayer and fasting, and after seven days, the child died. When he was told of the child’s death, however, David “arose from the earth and washed and anointed himself and changed his clothes. And he went into the house of the LORD and worshiped. He then went to his own house” (2 Samuel 12:20). David explained to his confused servants he fasted and wept in case the Lord would be gracious to him and allow the child to live.
Christian parents who suffer a miscarriage without doubt wonder why God allowed the tragedy to happen, and they also ask Him where their child is. Verse 23 gives parents who have lost children great hope, for David, who had an understanding of the afterlife, said, “But now he is dead. Why should I fast? Can I bring him back again? I shall go to him, but he will not return to me.”
David rested in the promises of God told to him by Nathan in 2 Samuel 7:16, “And your house and your kingdom shall be made sure forever before me. Your throne shall be established forever.” David’s countenance changed after his child’s death partly because of the covenant God made with David. And through it we learn of the possibility the child of one of God’s children will live and a reunion will take place.
Scripture also reminds us again and again of where our help, hope, and peace comes (e.g., Psalm 121:1).
20 Comforting Things the Bible Has to Say to Families Experiencing Miscarriage
Christians, share these comforting and strengthening passages with families suffering through miscarriage. We can also comfort unbelievers with the same passages, assuring our beloved ones of the hope we have in Christ. Immerse yourself in God’s Word and rely on the Holy Spirit’s prompting for the right timing for all encouragement to the bereaved. There are times for hugs and silence and times for greeting cards with verses. Prayer ahead of time is critical.
1. Psalm 30:5: Weeping lingers through the night, but the Lord brings joy in the morning.
14. John 16:33: Jesus has overcome the world. One day He will set things right.
15: Philippians 4:6-7: Go to God with all our petitions with thankfulness, knowing He will give us peace.
16. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18: God’s will is perfect. It will be difficult at first to rejoice in it, but His perfect peace will instill our joy in Him.
17. Romans 8:28: Loving God means everything we go through will turn out for our good and for God’s glory.
18. 1 Peter 5:7: God cares for us, therefore we cast all our anxieties on Him.
19. 1 John 4:4: Many doubts indeed arise, but greater is He who is in us than he who is in the world. Rest in that.
20. James 4:8a: God is waiting for you to draw near to Him, for He will then draw near to us.
One more:
21. Revelation 21:4: “He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.”
How Can We Support Families Experiencing Miscarriage?
Our four directive actions should include:
1. Prayer 2. Visitation 3. Remembrance 4. Patience practiced by listening and honoring their time of grief.
The following guidelines will help when interacting and comforting parents who undergo such a loss.
Privately
God can and does use any circumstances He wills to call people to Him. We, as believers in the Lord Jesus, know this and we can direct our private prayers accordingly, for the Lord may use a miscarriage to:
Draw the grieving unbelievers to Himself.
Grow the faith of the suffering believers.
Show His glory and providence in all situations.
Magnify His name.
As we pray for believing families who undergo such a loss, we trust our God of all comfort to bring many passages to mind for those who are grieving.
Corporately
The life of a believing parent often includes small groups (Sunday school, Bible study, fellowship group). The members of each group are intimately connected, as prescribed in the Bible. We are to hold fast to our confession of hope in our faithful Lord Christ, stir each other up to love and good works, and regularly meet and encourage one another (Hebrews 10:23-25).
A unified church stands as one body and trusts one another with life’s details, sharing the joys and heartaches. As such, prayers for parents subjected to miscarriage are powerful and effective (James 5:16). This is not gossip; this is righteous prayer for our brothers and sisters.
Family
Christians can come alongside entire families who are devastated by the loss of an unborn child. And family members will stand together with their relatives to comfort them with their presence and with day-to-day tasks to alleviate pressing needs. What a strong witness to unbelieving families when Christians take the time to be with them and to share the best news ever — Jesus Christ (John 6:44; Hebrews 7:25; Hebrews 11:6). Our hope is found in no one else (Acts 4:12).
Friends
Friends perhaps know the bereaved parents better than anyone else. Great friends love each other in ways others can’t. Friends, take time to just sit with your beloved ones. Listen. Hug. Visit as often as they say they want company.
Practical Ways to Help Assuage Grief
Pain is pain — no matter the circumstance. Although God’s Word doesn’t mention specific parental miscarriage, what it does have is myriad passages which bring hope and healing. With this truth in view, the same practical ways to help parents grieving over a miscarriage can help anyone in a time of loss (except for specifics related to the baby).
Helpful Actions
A special playlist of hymns sent via email. Possible songs to include are In Christ Alone by Keith and Krystin Getty, Is He Worthy by Andrew Peterson, My Hope is Built on Nothing Less by Sovereign Grace Music.
Devotionals and other books which point grief toward the help and peace only the Lord can give.
A handprinted grouping of helpful Bible passages personal to you. You can share how they helped you.
Arrange for meals and offer to drop them off for any who cannot. Stay for a brief visit if the parents are amenable to it.
God’s Providence
For an unbeliever who suffers a miscarriage, this moment might be the most important in her and her family’s life. Many Christians came or come to faith at our “lowest low” because we have lost faith in what we or the world can do. God may use suffering to draw us out of the miry pit (Psalm 40:2).
God wastes nothing, and He’s the only One who can completely soothe grief. Jesus invites the weary and burdened to come to Him (Matthew 11:28). If a person remains unsaved, how will they ever know the Lord is our God of tomorrow?
Dr. Sinclair Ferguson adds this note of assurance in God, “The first, of course, is that the Judge of all the earth will do right and that He is a God of tremendous grace, that He sent His Son to bring us to Himself. There is no dark side in God, and so we can rest in the fact that He is a God who everything He does is right and true and good.”
If you are reading this and have suffered a miscarriage, please accept our condolences and our heartfelt prayers for your healing. If you don’t know Jesus Christ, may God bless you with the grace and knowledge of Him. If you do walk with the Lord Jesus, may He fill you with His peace which surpasses all understanding (Philippians 4:6-7).
Photo credit: Unsplash
Lisa Loraine Baker is the multiple award-winning author of Someplace to be Somebody. She writes fiction and nonfiction. In addition to writing for the Salem Web Network, Lisa serves as a Word Weavers’ mentor and is part of a critique group. She also is a member of BRRC. Lisa and her husband, Stephen, a pastor, live in a small Ohio village with their crazy cat, Lewis.
In the blink of an eye, the love of Sharon’s life was gone. She wanted just to curl up and hide under the covers. To wallow. All their hopes, plans, and dreams evaporated in that moment when Tom died. If ever there were a time to collapse and zone out on responsibilities, this was it. No one would expect or demand anything of her at this time. But there were these people—little ones and teenagers—clamoring for Nana. Their grief-stricken Nana.
Sharon couldn’t imagine navigating through the waves of grief crashing over her life, let alone grandparenting without the love of her life. Perhaps you, too, are in her boat.
I offer the following six gentle suggestions gleaned from real-life experiences of those* who have gone before you on this journey. These ideas should not be viewed as a rigid to-do list with condemnation that inevitably results when something is missed. Instead, consider how you can grieve the loss of your love as you simultaneously move into the next season of grandparenting life.
*Names are changed
1. Look Outside Yourself
Karina: When my Dave died, I felt paralyzed. I didn’t want to go anywhere or see anyone. I just couldn’t function. But my grandkids’ needs motivated me. I couldn’t let them down by not coming to see them. I thank God for using them to help me put one foot in front of the other.
Grief brings both emotional and physical pain. Excruciating pain. Our minds fix on simply surviving. It seems impossible to look outside yourself at these moments. But if we follow Christ, we are never excused from imitating Him (Philippians 2:7). Even in our grief. Even in pain. Jesus gave up His divine privilege—what He deserves—to die on a cross for our sins. As imitators of Christ, we give up what we think we deserve to do what He has called us to do.
Children have a way of pulling us out of ourselves. Their needs press us, drawing us into their world. We can, and sometimes do, resist. We reason that our grandchildren don’t really need us. That they have parents to take care of them. We might think it’s okay to ignore their needs to tend to our own. While we balance processing our loss and reaching out, grandparents must recognize their important role in influencing grandchildren.
2. Don’t Try to Fill the Shoes of Your Love
Gabriella: It was tempting to try and continue the things my husband did with the grandkids. He liked to do building projects with them. But I realized it just wasn’t me. It wouldn’t be authentic. So I did what felt natural for me. I can’t be him.
When the love of your life is gone, you shoulder so many new responsibilities. Where work was once shared, it now falls entirely to you. You find yourself doing tasks you never dreamed of—fixing a leaky faucet, cleaning out gutters, keeping track of birthdays, and much, much more.
In the same way, it’s tempting to try to keep up with all your spouse’s traditions with the grandkids. To pick up where they left off. Perhaps they worked on a car together. Or played a particular card game. Or went to breakfast together once a month.
Before jumping in, ask God to direct your steps. Don’t be afraid of allowing a void if you know you can’t continue the tradition. No matter how much you’d like to be both grandma and grandpa to your grandkids, you probably cannot fill your spouse’s shoes. Trust God to permeate the emptiness in their lives left by your spouse. Concentrate instead on doing what you do best and helping your grandkids accept and cope with their loss.
3. Cry Together
Linda: Tears were always close to the surface. While being with my grandbabies sometimes relieved my pain, there were times tears just spilled out. Sometimes you just have to cry together.
Remember that your grandchildren have experienced loss too. Often, it’s the first time they’ve faced death. Though losing the love of your life is different and more profound, children acutely mourn the loss of a grandparent. The Bible tells us there’s power in experiencing the ups and downs together.
Be happy with those who are happy, and weep with those who weep (Romans 12:15 NLT).
You have the challenging but blessed opportunity to help grandchildren sort through their grief even as you process your own.
4. Remember Together
Teresa: Most people were afraid to talk about Mark around me for fear of hurting my feelings. My grandkids are too young to know any better. They blurt out whatever they remember. Surprisingly, it felt good to talk about him. I love keeping his memory alive in their hearts.
Friends often tiptoe around when someone has died, afraid to mention their name. They feel awkward, not knowing what to say. But children don’t know the social norms of mourning. They naturally talk about whatever comes to mind. While unpredictable, their chatter often relieves and releases pent-up emotions.
Being able to reminisce with your grandchildren about your spouse fills the void left by the usual silence. You may be surprised at how your grandkids perceive and remember your spouse. When you hear their take on events, you may even see your love in a new light. Laughing together and crying together as you remember pours healing balm on wounded hearts.
We also want grandchildren to know their heritage. Hearing about and remembering their Mimi or PawPaw helps form their identity. Sharing favorite memories reinforces that they are loved. If faith was integral in your spouse’s life, make sure your grandkids know it. When you intentionally weave threads of faith into memories, grandchildren learn to honor God in their own lives.
5. Offer Hope
Amy: I knew Paul was in a better place with the Lord. I knew God promised I would see him again. But I felt so vacant – so hopeless after he died. The last thing I wanted to do was put a happy face on it. But I could see my grandkids were devastated too. They needed me to tell them how to trust and hope in Jesus. Looking back, I see how encouraging them bolstered my own faltering faith.
And now, dear brothers and sisters, we want you to know what will happen to the believers who have died so you will not grieve like people who have no hope (1 Thessalonians 4:13).
Your grandkids probably don’t know how to grieve with hope. Though it’s not an assignment you requested, God has uniquely positioned you as their teacher.
So if you are suffering in a manner that pleases God, keep on doing what is right, and trust your lives to the God who created you, for he will never fail you (1 Peter 4:19 NLT).
God promises to give purpose to our suffering. Helping grandchildren understand there’s hope of life after death is undoubtedly a purpose grandparents should embrace. Remind them that this lifetime is limited, but an amazing eternity with God awaits all who put their trust in Jesus.
6. Spend Time
Megan: Every summer, Rick and I took the grands for a week of Grammy and Pappy Camp. After he died, I couldn’t imagine pulling it off on my own. I wanted to sit in a corner and cry. But I pulled up my big girl pants and did it for their sake. I wanted them to know I was still there for them even though Pappy was gone.
In my ministry with elementary-aged children, I often hear the sadness that comes from losing a grandparent. Kids fondly describe how Nana made cookies with them or how Grandpa always came to watch their sports.
Time equals love.
When grandparents spend time with children, it communicates they are important. They feel loved by the one who takes the time to be there. If you spent time with your grandkids before you lost the love of your life, try to continue. Children depend on your faithfulness, just like we need steadfast God, as the world around them rapidly changes.
Time also equals opportunity.
It takes time with kids to get to the deep stuff. Especially as they get older, children need to spend time with you before revealing what’s underneath the surface and opening their hearts. Be patient and consistent. You will be rewarded with opportunities to sow seeds of God’s truth and unconditional love into their minds and hearts that will yield an abundant crop in due time.
You are equipped for such a time as this.
Your life is in God’s hands. He prepared you in advance for this awful yet bittersweet season of grief and purpose. May he [God] equip you with all you need for doing his will. May he produce in you, through the power of Jesus Christ, every good thing that is pleasing to him. All glory to him forever and ever! Amen (Hebrews 13:21).
Right now, you may be simply slogging through the muck of your grief. And that’s okay. Processing grief is not a race. But remember, God joins you there in the mire. He grips your hand to direct you to new and solid paths as you learn to grandparent without the love of your life. Will you allow God to instill His good and pleasing purpose into your loss to bring glory to Himself?
Ultimately, you will find that God uses your commitment to grandparent without the love of your life to heal and restore your shattered heart.
Annie Yorty writes and speaks to encourage others to perceive God’s person, presence, provision, and purpose in the unexpected twists and turns of life. Married to her high school sweetheart and living in Pennsylvania, she mothers a teen, two adult children (one with intellectual disabilities), and a furry beast labradoodle. She has written From Ignorance to Bliss: God’s Heart Revealed through Down Syndrome. Please connect with her at http://annieyorty.com/, Facebook, and Instagram.
Jane Austen began her famous novel Pride and Prejudice with the words, “It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife.”
Although a rich, single man in the 19th century had all he needed to live comfortably, he found himself longing for a wife. He needed someone whom he could spend his life with, to have a companion in his everyday experiences.
Proverbs 18:22 presents an equally memorable statement to Jane Austen’s opening line. Men throughout time have generally found that when and if they marry, having a wife is good.
Man’s longing for a wife stretches back to the beginning of creation when Adam was lonely and in want of a helper. God knew that “it is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him” (Genesis 2:18). Eve was the answer to Adam’s loneliness.
Christians uphold and celebrate the biblical sanctity of marriage. However, we should properly interpret the proverb and not go beyond its meaning. For instance, what does it mean that a man receives favor from the Lord for having a wife?
How does this apply to men or women who choose to remain single to serve Christ? Is it a secure promise that a wife will be treasured by her husband? We need to consider questions like these when meditating on this proverb.
Reading Proverbs: Important Reminders for Interpretation
The Book of Proverbs is part of Scripture, which is divinely inspired and completely inerrant as the Word of God (2 Timothy 3:16).
When interpreting Proverbs, though, or any book of the Bible, we need to keep many things in mind, such as historical and immediate context and literary genre.
As part of wisdom literature, the Book of Proverbs presents general truths through memorable sayings, often by using contrasts. Solomon presented the purpose of Proverbs as gaining wisdom, which starts with fear, or reverence, of the Lord (Proverbs 1:7).
Those who fear the Lord and think deeply about the proverbial sayings will gain “wisdom and instruction,” learn to do what is “right and just and fair,” and the young will receive training in “knowledge and discretion” (Proverbs 1:2-4).
A proverb presents a general truth, but we need to remember that things in life do not always end up the way a proverb teaches. Also, they do not apply to every situation and are not meant to be promises.
For example, we read in Proverbs 21:21 that “whoever pursues righteousness and love finds life, prosperity and honor.” Although this is true, those who follow God’s righteousness and seek to do what is loving and good will sometimes find that they are opposed and hated by others.
Many faithful followers of Christ around the world, who try to do good, live in harsh conditions, facing mistreatment and persecution.
Furthermore, believers are not promised financial prosperity in life. If someone is rich and honored by others, this does not always mean they are believers who pursue righteousness and love.
Therefore, we need to remember that the Book of Proverbs is an inspired book of the Bible and can help us grow in godly wisdom.
However, the sayings are not meant to serve as secure promises. They are general truths that are usually observable in life but are not strict rules of how situations in life will occur. We need to be careful in how we apply them.
In Proverbs 18:22, we read, “He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the LORD” (ESV). If we read this proverb with the idea that it is a promise from God, then we might expect that every marriage is good and enduring.
We may also assume that those who are married are more blessed or favorable to God than those who are single.
The Amplified Bible provides further context to the first part of this verse: “He who finds a [true and faithful] wife finds a good thing and obtains favor and approval from the LORD.”
The clarifying phrase “true and faithful” contrasts with the many warnings in Proverbs about the contentious or quarrelsome wife and a morally deficient wife (Proverbs 21:19; 25:24; Proverbs 11:22; 12:4; 14:1).
A wife with moral strength and character is a good thing to find. Hence, we see the model wife (and woman) in Proverbs 31, who is compassionate, faithful, and strong in faith.
A man who finds a Christ-loving wife finds what is good, which is a gift from the Lord. Such a man does not earn salvation, merit, or favor because he marries a virtuous wife. Rather, his wife is a treasure, worth more than rubies (Proverbs 31:10).
The NET Bible translation conveys this in Proverbs 18:22: “The one who finds a wife finds what is enjoyable, and receives a pleasurable gift from the LORD.”
In the Latin Vulgate and Septuagint translations of this verse, there is an extra part that contrasts a good wife with an adulterous wife.
In the Brenton Septuagint Translation, the added part of the verse reads, “He that puts away a good wife, puts away a good thing, and he that keeps an adulteress is foolish and ungodly” (Proverbs 18:22).
We need to remember that most versions of the Bible do not retain this addition because it is not found in Hebrew manuscripts.
A devoted Christian husband would know from the rest of Scripture that divorcing his wife is denounced. Jesus explained that the only basis for divorce is adultery (Matthew 5:31-32).
Is There More to This Verse?
Proverbs 18:22 is true since a man who finds a good wife finds what is good and receives a gift from God. Problems occur, though, when we try to apply this proverb to every situation. First, not every Christ-following wife will be treasured by her husband.
Many women find themselves in unhappy marriages. When a woman’s husband does not see her worth, she can receive comfort in the truth that the Lord loves and values her more than anyone else.
Similarly, Proverbs 18:22 does not apply to every marriage. For example, Ahab married Jezebel, and he did not receive what is good. He was already a wicked king, but Jezebel urged him to do more evil (1 Kings 21:25).
Also, Solomon married multitudes of women, which is unbiblical, and his wives led him astray (1 Kings 11:3).
As I mentioned above, the proverb generally applies when a man finds a wife that is virtuous, specifically a follower of Christ. Proverbs 18:22 would not apply to a Christian man who marries a non-believing woman.
Furthermore, there are limitations to the verse. A man (or woman, for that matter) who never marries due to situations in life and chooses to remain single to serve Christ is not missing out on blessings or favor (1 Corinthians 7:38).
The Apostle Paul explains that married couples will experience difficulties that single people will not (1 Corinthians 7:28). Those who are married will struggle with giving undivided devotion to the Lord (1 Corinthians 7:32-35).
Both marriage and singleness come with their own hardships, but one state is not better than the other. We should not misuse verses like Proverbs 18:22 to make those who are single feel unfulfilled or less than whole. In Christ, we are complete (Colossians 2:10).
What Does This Mean?
When reading Proverbs 18:22, we need to remember that a proverb conveys a general truth. A man who finds a wife does find what is good, but the proverb is not meant to serve as a promise or rule.
There is more to Proverbs 18:22 in that it is not a promise that every wife will be cherished by her husband, that marriage based on unbiblical grounds will be blessed, or that a married person gains special approval from God that a single person does not.
We need to recognize the limitations of applying this proverb to avoid misusing and misinterpreting it.
Sophia Bricker is a freelance writer who enjoys researching and writing articles on biblical and theological topics. In addition to contributing articles about biblical questions as a contract writer, she has also written for Unlocked devotional. She holds a BA in Ministry, a MA in Ministry, and is currently pursuing an MFA in Creative Writing to develop her writing craft. As someone who is passionate about the Bible and faith in Jesus, her mission is to help others learn about Christ and glorify Him in her writing. When she isn’t busy studying or writing, Sophia enjoys spending time with family, reading, drawing, and gardening.
This article originally appeared on Christianity.com. For more faith-building resources, visit Christianity.com.
Military Spouse Appreciation Day is observed on May 12th. Have you considered ways to support military spouses? This often subtle, under-the-radar outreach and ministry opportunity stands open to participation from fellow military community members or those of us nestled deep in civilian surroundings—young and young-at-heart as well.
Life can be exciting and full of new experiences in the military community, but it can also be hard for the military spouse.
During my nearly twenty years as a Navy wife, I recall many situations in which outside support helped me conquer daily tasks and much bigger needs. Assistance from others proved to be vital, but I often struggled to ask for help.
The excuses often ran something like this: I don’t want to inconvenience them. I should be able to do this myself. Or I simply didn’t know what to ask for or how to ask.
So I didn’t. (It’s not a path or plan I’d recommend, by the way.)
Being hundreds of miles away from family, shuffling a schedule of uncertainty, safety concerns, and spousal absence due to month’s-long deployments or frequent weeks-long exercises all play a part in the life of a military wife or husband. It’s up to military spouses to keep our family and house together and running fluidly while the active member is away. That’s sometimes a tough order. As a result, life can be lonely, exhausting, and difficult for military spouses. But with a little help, joy often filters back in as rest, and deepening faith, too.
That’s where Christians, whether civilian or otherwise, have a wonderful opportunity to pull up alongside military spouses and support them through the hard days and seasons through prayer or practical means. And the best part? This outreach remains possible whether we’re in person or across the miles.
Matthew 7:12 (WEB) tells us this: “Therefore, whatever you desire for men to do to you, you shall also do to them; for this is the law and the prophets.”
The Golden Rule offers wisdom for daily life. Simply treat others the way we’d like to be treated—including supporting military spouses during deployment and at other times too. It’s an opportunity to help others like we’d appreciate help, stepping in to support spouses battling overwhelm, exhaustion, fear, anxiety, and many other emotions amid various situations.
How do we support military spouses during deployment? Simply be there. Below are ten ways to support them during deployments as well as throughout the year.
10 Ways to Support Military Spouses
1. Cook a Meal
Healthy, home-cooked meals go a long way. So does the inclusion of paper goods. I spent far too many late nights washing dishes after our young trio went to bed, exhausted but knowing I didn’t want to wake to a mess. A home-cooked dish and paper utensils helped.
2. Offer to Babysit or Pay for a Babysitter
Pregnant with our second child, a kind, empty-nester from our church offered to watch our two-year-old son during my obstetrician appointments. (Kids weren’t allowed to accompany the parent, which is especially tricky if you’re new in town.) My son and this sweet woman bonded in a way that continues twenty-one years and many relocations later. Meanwhile, I found relief knowing Joel was safe (and having loads of fun!) with someone I trusted.
My husband and I were especially particular concerning babysitters. As a result, we didn’t go out often. However, I found breaks from the kids necessary during his absences for my mental health as well as simple things like Christmas shopping without children in tow.
3. Housecleaning Help
Housekeeper expenses and military family budgets rarely blend, so this one’s a nice outreach to consider. Offer an hour each week during deployment to assist with general cleaning. Show up with a lawn mower if they live in the civilian community, and whack those grass blades. It’s much safer than a military spouse trying to mow with their child perched on their lap. Hire a housekeeper to clean once a month or quarterly during deployment. Offer to watch the kids or pay for a babysitter so the military spouse can clean without interruption. Or, even buy a book with cleaning and organizational tips in it.
4. Invite Them to Church or Small Group
It’s amazing how far a small invitation can go. When moving to a new location, everything seems foreign. Military families dig in to find mechanics, dentists, specific stores and resources they’ll need, and relationships—both with Jesus and people.
Help them with the transition. Invite them to church. Open the door for a small group. Many of my family’s lifelong relationships stemmed from either church or church small groups. We remain in touch with these people, and the bond remains special years later.
5. Invite Them into Your Home
Get to know them, and allow the spouse and families to get to know you. Open the doors to your life and home—with wisdom, of course.
At one of our duty stations, a couple from church invited us to their home often. We chatted about Jesus and wrestled with faith things together. They introduced us to their world and allowed our kids to become part of it. This tickled my husband and me because we were both “country kids.” This couple’s generosity helped expose our children to the lifestyle my husband and I thought was not possible because of our military lifestyle.
6. Invite Them to Dinner and Help Them Sample Local Cuisine
People bond over food. And being invited to another’s dinner table? It’s special.
We sat at our country friends’ dinner table and enjoyed delicious Southern food more times than I can count. But if your culinary skills teeter, never fear. Invite a military spouse to join you at a local favorite. Or explore new options together.
7. Check with Them
Call, text, or visit in person, but check in on military spouses. They won’t ask for it, typically, so intentionality helps. It might take a while before they trust you with their concerns or needs, but they’ll appreciate being thought of and the generosity of this action.
A couple once helped us decorate for Christmas. Our kids were young, and my husband was gone. That was a special afternoon that came about because, through conversation, they checked in on me.
8. Exchange Phone Numbers
It’s easy enough to add folks to phone contact lists. Exchanging contact information indicates a first step in relationship buy-in, and it gives that spouse a local connection to inquire about stores, repairs, etc.
9. Pray
The Bible, in 1 Thessalonians 5:17, prompts us to pray continually. The military spouse’s list of needs and concerns runs long, especially during deployment, exercises, or whenever the active duty member is away. Encourage them to take the daily needs to their Creator and the lover of their soul in prayer regularly. For in Him, our needs are truly met.
Ask about and bathe their daily task list in prayer. Their needs, concerns, and struggles, too. Pray quietly alone or one-on-one with the military spouse. Include the family in a prayer walk or circle. Whatever the approach, take those daily needs to the feet of the One who remains faithful, and encourage the military spouse to do the same.
10. Be There
With a husband deployed and our third child’s due date facing me, several friends rallied. Some watched our two older children until my parents arrived in town. Another friend drove with me to the hospital. A few stayed with me as I labored unsuccessfully, and one even stayed the night at the hospital, then attended the birth in the operating room the following day. They showed up. And we can too. Whether in person, through letters, video, text, or a call, we have a wonderful opportunity to be there for them.
Grab one or more ways to support military spouses, walk out the “golden rule,” and watch a possible lifelong relationship unfold. May the Lord be praised.
Check out Kristi’s new book, 101 Prayers for Military Wives, which you can pre-order here!
About the book: “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.” (Proverbs 3:5-6 NIV) Kristi Woods, a military wife herself for 19 years, offers heartfelt prayers to encourage the unsung heroes of the military. 101 Prayers for Military Wives is a collection of topical prayers that brings hope and reminds military wives that whatever situation they find themselves in, God is near, He can be trusted, and they are never alone.
Kristi Woods,author of 101 Prayers for Military Wives, loves to tell stories about God, real people, and a few pretend couples, too. She writes Christian nonfiction and Christian fiction that’s often threaded with a hero or military life. She and her retired-from-the-Navy husband have set roots in Oklahoma, where she keeps dibs on their three adult children while also keeping watch for tornadoes and creamy, mouth-watering chocolate. Follow the journey, grab free faith resources, and find out more about her latest releases at KristiWoods.net.
