Former President Donald Trump’s campaign said some internal communications have been hacked, blaming the Iranian government and citing past hostilities between Trump and Iran without providing direct evidence. What do you think?
“Will Iran stop at nothing to push their radical liberal agenda?”
James Wymer, Biography Enthusiast
Investigation Finds Secret Service Failed To Account For Nation’s 393 Million Guns
“This is why I usually just delete emails from the Iranian Revolutionary Guard Corps.”
Ricky Doering, Thermostat Regulator
“Iran couldn’t wait a couple of days for the next tell-all book?”
MILWAUKEE—Following the chaotic events of the past 48 hours, former President Donald Trump reportedly rewrote his Republican National Convention acceptance speech Monday to remove all mentions of never having been shot in the ear. “My track record of never having gotten shot in the ear was very good, and was unfortunately the centerpiece of my speech for Thursday night,” said Trump, who expressed frustration to reporters after admitting he had been forced to completely overhaul his keynote address. “I tried to cut all the mentions of how I’ve gone my whole life without a bullet making contact with either of my ears, but it didn’t really flow after that. Plus, it was too short. About 50% too short. It’s a real shame, because it was one of the most brilliant speeches ever about having intact ears.” At press time, Trump hinted that the crux of the speech was now about how he thanked God that he turned his head to check out a hot attendee’s rack.
NYPD Arrests Trump After Routine Stop-And-Frisk Turns Up Unlicensed Handgun, 400 Mg Of Ketamine
ATLANTA—Stressing that they wished they had talked about this months ago instead of waiting until now, a relieved Donald Trump and Joe Biden ended the first presidential debate of 2024 Thursday after realizing neither of them really wanted to be president. The two candidates, who had been bitter enemies along the campaign trail, reportedly stopped the debate when Biden abruptly admitted he didn’t want to do this anymore, at which point Trump perked up, said, “Wait, you too?” and revealed that he was just running because he thought Biden wanted to win. According to sources, the two former commanders-in-chief then burst into laughter and said, “Same, I fucking hate this country.” Despite protests from moderators Jake Tapper and Dana Bash, Biden and Trump proceeded to remove their microphones, ties, and jackets, walk towards the exit, hug, and then hop into a red convertible, speeding off into the sunset together. At press time, Robert F. Kennedy Jr. had reportedly been declared the next president of the United States after being the only person in the entire nation dumb enough to take the job.
Joe Biden and Donald Trump took competing visits to the U.S.-Mexico border yesterday, both in an effort to show voters that their stance on immigration is the better one, as the increase in immigration during the last four years has become a primary concern in the 2024 election. What do you think?
“Just a couple of shoves, and they’re Mexico’s problem.”
Mahek Beltran, Window Defroster
NYPD Arrests Trump After Routine Stop-And-Frisk Turns Up Unlicensed Handgun, 400 Mg Of Ketamine
“Aw man, this is like your two favorite bands playing on the same night.”
Mae Valentine, Alpaca Breeder
“Haven’t the people at the border suffered enough?”
