I’m starting to think my husband is a nasty person. He gets irritated with me so easily and is always angry. The smallest thing going wrong can spoil his mood and then he’ll be like that all day. It can be something as minor as me forgetting to make a dinner reservation we discussed. My husband is moody and angry all the time. He is always negative and I’m getting tired of it. He would never hit me and he has never been violent but I can’t handle this anymore. He makes me feel like I can’t do anything right and I’m just constantly worried about messing up. My husband blames me for his anger outbursts. I just don’t understand – why is my husband always mad at me?
Answer:
It’s not so much that your husband is mad at you, but more so that he is dealing with a lot of anger, likely the result of some other suppressed emotion. So, even if your husband is trying to place the blame on you for his anger, know that it has more to do with his internal world than your actions. Him blaming you is likely deflection as a defense mechanism because taking responsibility for it on his own seems too daunting.
In my experience as a therapist, I would say anger is the most misunderstood emotion. Think of it this way – if we were to give roles to each emotion, anger plays the role of the protector. In the sense that it only comes out when you feel threatened by something. Additionally, anger is a masking emotion, meaning that it does not arrive alone, and is usually hiding or protecting another emotion behind it. For example: sadness, insecurity, unfairness, guilt, shame, etc. Hopefully, this gives you some insight into your husband’s psyche.
Being in a relationship with someone who is perpetually angry can be very overwhelming. It’s important that you remember to not take it personally, not blame yourself for it and do everything you can to maintain your own emotional wellbeing. Here are a few other things that can help:
If it is possible, start a discussion around this pattern of anger and blame and how it makes you feel. Of course, do so when neither of you is stressed out and in a bad mood. Remember to not throw blame around yourself, or to accept blame back. If you feel the discussion is escalating, it’s okay to leave it and walk away before things get out of hand.
During initial discussions, it can be beneficial to simply listen to your partner when they are being vulnerable. Continue to remind yourself to not take their anger personally. If a person is able to express the pain they feel and have it be acknowledged by someone, the anger covering it automatically subsides. Hence, it is important that you let your husband express himself without judgment.
Identify which needs of yours are not being met and on that basis, draw and reinforce boundaries. For example, in this situation, your need for respect would be violated. Hence, the boundary would look something like, “We both know that it is unfair to blame me solely for this and it makes me feel hurt. Let’s talk about this again when we both feel better.” You don’t need to accept disrespect, nor do you need to counter it back with more disrespect.
Consider the reasons behind his anger. Has there been a loss that he is dealing with? Are there dysfunctional family dynamics in place? Chances are that his anger is being displaced from its origin place onto you or someone else.
Seek out support from loved ones and friends, and take care of yourself. This can be emotionally and mentally exhausting for you to go through.
Consider reaching out to a therapist if the situation feels too overwhelming to tackle on your own, and if you’re worried for your safety. Perpetual anger experience can very easily turn into aggression, so don’t minimize or discredit any fears you may be feeling in regards to your safety and wellbeing.
FAQs
1. How to deal with an angry husband?
Dealing with someone who is almost perpetually angry can be challenging and exhausting. The most important thing here is that you’re taking care of yourself by addressing your needs, drawing boundaries and seeking support.
Here are a few steps on how to deal with an angry husband: 1. Try your best to stay calm when he is angry. Often, angry people say deliberately hurtful things to rile up the other person, and then it turns into a competition to see who can hurt whom more. Avoid falling into that trap. If you feel triggered, step away and come back to it when you’re calmer. 2. Listen actively and without judgment when your husband is expressing his feelings. Validate what he is feeling through statements like, “I can see why that would upset you.” 3. Set and maintain firm boundaries. Initially, you will have to model the healthy way of communicating to your husband before he follows suit. Disagreements can be resolved calmly. 4. Encourage taking time-outs when either or both of you feel overwhelmed and get back to the topic once you’re both in a better place mentally. 5. Consider seeking professional help from a therapist or couple’s counselor.
2. Why is my husband so mean to me?
There could be several reasons behind your husband’s anger, and even when it is directed at you, it doesn’t necessarily mean it was because of something you did. Here are a few possible reasons:
1. Your husband may be experiencing stress or pressure from work, financial issues, or other life challenges, leading to increased irritability and lashing out. 2. Poor communication or unresolved conflicts in the relationship can contribute to misunderstandings and frustration, leading to mean or hurtful behavior. 3.Your husband may be dealing with unresolved emotions such as anger, resentment, or insecurity, which he may be projecting onto you through mean behavior. 4. Negative experiences or traumas from your husband’s past, such as childhood abuse or previous failed relationships, could influence his behavior and interpersonal dynamics in the present. 5. Your husband may lack effective coping skills for managing stress, conflict, or strong emotions, resulting in mean or aggressive behavior as a maladaptive response. 7. If there are imbalances in power or control within the relationship, your husband may resort to mean behavior as a way to assert dominance or maintain control. 8. External factors such as substance abuse, peer influences, or societal norms could also play a role in shaping your husband’s behavior towards you.
3. How to deal with a mean husband?
Remember that you cannot change someone who does not want to change, and neither should that be your responsibility. With that in mind, here’s what you can do: 1. Create and reinforce healthy boundaries, along with indulging in self-care. This can be incredibly distressing for you to go through, so you do need to do a little extra to take care of yourself. 2. Seek support from friends and family, or even a mental health professional who can help you navigate this overwhelming situation. 3. Address your husband’s behavior, and hold him accountable to act in a better manner. Make sure you’re not throwing blame around, but instead, expressing how you feel. 4. Encourage open communication so that he can explore and express what is really bothering him instead of displacing his anger from one thing to another. 5. Prioritize your safety and well-being and consider what your options are. It is not your responsibility to ensure your husband learns a healthier way of managing his emotions. 6. Consider seeking professional help from a therapist to deal with the repercussions you are facing due to his behavior. Or a couple’s counselor who can help both of you establish healthier channels of communication and get to the root cause of problems in the marriage.
Most romcoms and romance novels would have us believe that true love is about mushy and poetic romance — holding hands and passionate kisses too — but hardly any make us feel the importance of a healthy sex life. So, can married life exist without sex? Are you often telling yourself, “My husband loves me but not sexually”, or asking, “Is my husband not attracted to me?” Wondering what causes a man to lose interest in you? Is it increased stress, boredom, or just plain lack of sexual interest? Clueless about how to deal with your husband not wanting you sexually? Is it one of the signs your husband isn’t in love with you?
Fret not! In this article, we have collated stories of 10 women who have been through the same, along with expert insights on how to fix a situation where your husband is not sexually attracted to you. Our experts include psychologist Nandita Rambhia (MSc, Psychology), who specializes in CBT, REBT, and couples counseling; psychotherapist and psychosocial analyst Dr. Aman Bhonsle (PhD, PGDTA), who specializes in relationship counseling and Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy; California-based psychiatrist and cognitive behavior therapist Dr. Shefali Batra (MD in Psychiatry), who specializes in counseling for separation and divorce, breakup and dating, and premarital compatibility issues; and sexologist Dr. Vishal Gor, who specializes in treating sexual dysfunction.
My Husband Loves Me But Not Sexually: 10 Women Share What It Is Like
There can be multiple reasons why a woman may feel her partner or husband doesn’t match up to her sexual desire, in spite of being in love with her. “My husband doesn’t want sex anymore” is, in fact, a common complaint. From financial incompatibility and ongoing relationship issues to deep-seated psychological wounds and mental health issues, the reasons behind such lack of sexual interest can be many. So, when you find yourself asking, “Why is my husband never interested in me sexually?” or “Why do I have to beg my husband to sleep with me?”, do take a good look at the core reason responsible for his sexual void.
We’ve listed 10 such cases below, along with the women’s points of view and the experts’ responses. If you’re one such woman who keeps wondering why her husband doesn’t initiate sex or cater to her sexual desire and needs anymore and laments, “My husband loves me but not sexually”, we hope this will help you.
1. “I earned more than my husband and that took a toll on our sex life…”
Rita, a 35-year-old woman, earned a lot more than her husband, Ryan. Here’s her story: “I come from an affluent family, and eventually, took over my father’s business. Though known as the quintessential hot and rich middle-aged woman in my society, I was married to a relatively simple man who earned a decent sum till his career took a hit. What followed was a mother-child dynamic, which wounded my husband’s male ego, and he stopped initiating sex.
“I also feel most of Ryan’s sexual urges had vanished after I hit a certain age. Plus, the pressure of my growing business forced me to stop taking care of my body. Everything from my sleep schedule to my dress sense changed. He has also cheated on me once. It hurts because I expected him to be more supportive.”
Expert’s response
Dr. Bhonsle, who dealt with the case, says, “Financial differences and male ego were the main factors contributing to this situation here. The most effective way of dealing with this situation is gaining some sort of financial equilibrium, where Ryan could think of upgrading his professional skills and contributing to his family income. Plus, an effort from Rita to maintain a healthy work-life balance could have helped their situation.”
2. “I have a high sex drive, and my husband doesn’t…”
Shania, who stopped feeling excited in bed, shares her account: “I was a porn addict and preferred pleasing myself in bed, blaming my husband, George, for not initiating sex or making me happy in bed. I would, at times, even be sarcastic and make fun of his lack of sexual prowess, just to see whether he changes his ways.”
Shania, however, doesn’t feel guilty about her sex drive. She says, “I have a high sex drive, and George, unfortunately, doesn’t seem interested in variety in bed. He is a great husband, nonetheless, taking care of all my needs and being a good father to our daughter. But when it comes to pleasing me in bed, he seems totally uninterested. And I often wonder, “Why is my husband never interested in me sexually?”
About this case, Dr. Bhonsle says, “Sex should never be clinical. In this case, Shania, who had a high sex drive, seemed to order George around in bed, asking him to slow down or fasten up, according to her whims. Sex should be a mutual act, where both partners should enjoy its pace. So, Shania should probably make George a bit more relaxed in bed. Both partners should also figure out their priorities. Blindly following porn is not guaranteed to bring joy.”
Different sex drives can stir up trouble in an otherwise happy marriage
3. “My husband can’t have sex with me because I got intimate with a common friend…”
Riddhi, a woman of Indian origin, shares how her past wrecked the sexual intimacy in her marriage. She says, “My husband, Sanjay, and I had an arranged marriage, which is a common practice in Indian families even today. While we loved each other dearly, there was one minor hitch, and it was our common friend, Ajay. Ajay and I had been physically intimate with each other long before I was married to Sanjay. And since Sanjay knew about this, he had developed a mental block that prevented him from getting physically intimate with me in bed.”
Riddhi, however, thinks Sanjay had just been overreacting. She says, “Ajay and I weren’t even a couple. We were out with friends one night, got drunk, and made out. This shouldn’t be affecting my marriage, as Ajay and Sanjay are good friends too, and the incident happened long before I got into a relationship with Sanjay. Initially, I even suspected that my husband has no libido. but then he revealed the real reason he couldn’t have sex with me.”
Expert’s response
Dr. Bhonsle, who studied the case, says, “In this case, it’s a little tricky because nobody is at fault and all three people involved are still friends. This is a psychological block caused by the societal expectation of a virginal bride. I believe Sanjay should manage his expectations and move on from the past.”
4. “We are great as a couple but haven’t had sex for 15 years…”
Melanie and Roy, a couple who’ve been married for 28 years, shared good sexual chemistry in the early years of marriage. Here’s what Melanie said while relating her tale: “As life took over, we faced a lot of ups and downs together, including financial difficulties and health issues. The communication between us was reduced to just practical topics, and a lot of boredom seeped in. Our marriage lacked romance of any sort. And this resulted in almost 15 years of no sex. Even so, we supported each other in other spheres and our bond still remains strong. But now, it seems, my husband doesn’t want sex anymore, at least not from me.
“Nonetheless, both of us have been sexually frustrated and both have had affairs outside the marriage. Initially, when we drifted apart sexually, I took it to heart and often complained, “My husband loves me but not sexually.” Despite trying to mend ways, things continued to be very practical between us. Eventually, we became more of roommates than a couple and both had partners outside our marriage. That kept us both sane, I guess.”
Expert’s response
Nandita, who dealt with the case, says, “Boredom over time, coupled with emotional/mental incompatibility, is the main reason for lack of sex in this case. While both partners seem to have made their peace with the sexual distance, what they could have done instead was communicate and be transparent to work things out.”
5. “I shared a platonic bond with my husband, and now it seems he is asexual…”
Adam and Diane, who have been married for 2 years, have had nearly no sex life at all. Diane says, “While after 2 years of being married, everything else is good in the relationship, my husband won’t have sex with me.
“Though we share a strong emotional connection and are best friends, we have never had a sexual connection, and it seems we weren’t meant to be married. In fact, Adam doesn’t even hug me or initiate any physical contact, and it now appears that he may be asexual and not interested in any sexual activity.”
Expert’s response
This case too was handled by Nandita, who thinks, “In such cases, it could be a medical or psychological issue. It could also be a lack of physical attraction. The problem can be resolved only once we identify what the core issue is. You may think this is one of the signs your husband isn’t in love with you, but that may not be true. In most situations, where the reasons for a lack of interest in sex are not medical, counseling or other psychological interventions can prove helpful.”
6. “Our equation in the bedroom suffered when he lost his job…”
Liza and John were leading a happy life till John lost his job very soon after getting married. Liza says, “When we started dating, we loved sex, and he was very much into it. But after he lost his job, it was tough for both of us. I was terribly upset because our lifestyle suddenly went for a toss. I would often taunt John and pressure him to find another job.
“This made him distant, and he started to dislike me. While I was a good wife to him, perhaps my taunts, coupled with the anxiety of finding a job, affected his self-esteem and drove him into depression, so much so that he was on medication. This had a negative impact on his libido, he lost interest in sex, and he couldn’t live up to my expectations in bed.”
Liza, however, is quite practical about the situation and adds, “I may have made my disappointment clear by arguing with him once in a while. I did not like to deal with financial issues, that too so soon into the marriage. Soon, the situation affected our sex lives, and we ended up in a sexless marriage. Now, my husband won’t have sex with me, ever, I guess. In fact, it seems my husband has no libido at all. But nobody can blame me for what happened.”
Expert’s response
Nandita, who dealt with the case, thinks, “Anxiety can be a huge libido killer, if not checked with counseling at the right time. In this case, Liza should have been a bit careful while dealing with her husband who was already faced with a job crisis, something that can be a huge blow to a man’s ego.”
7. “My husband’s busy work schedule dampened our sex life…”
For Richa (35) and Dave (38), it was the latter’s demanding work schedule that took a toll on their sex life. Richa says, “We had been facing sexual issues for about 2 years. It took us a while to figure out that it was stemming from Dave’s anxiety and stress about his demanding business. This took a toll on his libido and he was just not interested in me sexually. He has, otherwise, been a duty-bound husband.
“Of course work is important. It puts food on our table and supports our lifestyle. But what’s the point of working 24/7 when it’s affecting everything from your mental health to our sex life? Work-related anxiety ruined our sex life and he would avoid sex altogether. So, I eventually ended up in a sexless marriage.”
Expert’s response
Dr. Gor, who dealt with the case, feels, “Increased stress and depression should be addressed through counseling and, if possible, through medication. In this case, I advised them to go for a mini vacation and reconnect. I also prescribed basic medication to improve desire and stamina. The couple’s sexual connection improved within 2 months.”
8. “My husband found a coworker hot and I was left in a sexless marriage…”
This story is about a middle-aged couple, Aron and Josie. Aron apparently lost his sexual desire for Josie after a few years of marriage. Explaining what went down and how it impacted her, Josie says, “He felt attracted to a coworker simply because she was always there for him and they spent a lot of time talking to each other. I, on the other hand, hardly had any time and was mostly occupied with our kids.
“The marriage was falling apart in terms of our sexual connection, anyway. But what hurt most was that he was getting attached to the coworker, while I was, at home, waiting for him to make an effort to jazz things up in bed or try harder. Why do I have to beg my husband to sleep with me?”
Expert’s response
Dr. Batra, who studied this case, feels, “While physical attraction gets people together, psychological attraction keeps them together. But mostly, such couples still love each other and don’t part ways. Such couples lose attraction and are afflicted by the ‘roommate syndrome’, where they become more like roommates than partners.
“This is also when people outside the relationship tend to look attractive irrespective of their looks, character, or nature. People seek new experiences with new people. In this case, Aron should have considered the fact that Joaise had to deal with domestic responsibilities. He should’ve pitched in to take care of the kids.”
9. “My husband stopped having sex with me when I focused on my career…”
Misha and Kevin began having problems when Misha started studying for a data science certification soon after marriage and her focus shifted to her career. She says, “Nothing else mattered to me. I didn’t even wish to step out of the house to get groceries or even exercise. Movies, shows, workouts, walks, holidays – I said “No” to all. So, he finally gave up being the ‘good husband’ and stopped trying to rekindle the spark. We ended up living in a sexless marriage.”
Misha, however, defends herself, saying, “I am an independent woman. And this course was a huge step in terms of my career. I think Kevin should’ve been more considerate, at least, till my course was over. It is totally fine to ignore a few aspects of life if one is at the brink of a major career shift.”
Expert’s response
Dr. Batra, who dealt with this case, feels, “While in this case, Kevin really could’ve waited till Misha completed her certification, without feeling jaded, Misha too should not have taken Kevin for granted. Once you take your partner for granted, it affects their self-esteem and makes them feel unwanted. So, it’s important to nourish a relationship like one nourishes a tree.”
10. “I got obsessed with my fitness, and my husband stopped initiating sex…”
Tina and Alex’s sex life took a hit for a rather unusual reason — focus on fitness. Tina, who was a sexually active wife at one point, had this to say: “I took to cycling and other forms of exercise to lose weight. Once I began seeing results, I lost all sexual interest in Alex and began to revel in the attention I got from fellow cyclists and workout enthusiasts. I felt my husband did not match my level of physical attractiveness and lost all sexual desire for him. While Alex tried to make things work, he eventually gave up.”
Tina’s perspective on this was relatable. She explained, “When I lost weight and achieved my fitness goals, it increased my libido. I asked my husband to join a gym and get back in shape. He was never interested in fitness and did not listen to me. This affected our equation in the bedroom, and sex went on the back burner.”
Expert’s response
Dr. Batra, who worked with the couple, says, “It’s believed that a man is more interested in a woman who is interested in him than he is in a woman with the best legs in town. So, to make a man perform up to his fullest potential in bed, a woman too needs to make him happy and feel special. Not having sex with you isn’t necessarily one of the signs your husband isn’t in love with you. In this case, Tina should’ve made Alex feel good about himself, instead of forcing him to join a gym. That could’ve been a big psychological boost to address his low sex drive.”
Reasons Why Your Husband Is Not Sexually Attracted To You
Do any of these stories seem relatable to you? Do you often find yourself telling your friends, “My husband never initiates intimacy”? Or do you too often crib, “My husband doesn’t want sex anymore”? If so, first of all, we want to say how sorry we’re for the situation you find yourself in. Women shouldn’t have to go through the trauma of telling themselves, “My husband is not interested in me physically.” Similarly, husbands dealing with the pressure to perform or earn a decent living by working high-pressure jobs too are not at fault for failing to perform in bed.
Gathering some points from the cases in the article and insights from our experts, we have collated a few concrete reasons why your husband may not want you sexually. So, read on to find answers to the question, “What does it mean when your husband rejects you sexually?”
Loss of physical attractiveness: With age, some women, especially after motherhood, not just tend to lose their physical charm, but also the will to deck up for a date night or to spend quality time. Flab, fine lines, and wrinkles take over, and many men aren’t attracted to their wives anymore
Medical issues: A lot of women experience medical issues such as PCOS and pre-menopausal syndrome. This tends to bring down their libido, and in turn, may put their partners off sexually. Chronic medical issues, such as osteoarthritis, too can impact mobility and impact people’s sexual behavior
Disability: Physical disability, be it temporary or permanent, may hamper sexual intimacy between partners
Psychological issues: Lack of sexual desire doesn’t always have to do with physical factors but may be related to mental health issues. Men often suffer from performance anxiety, where the fear of not living up to the sexual standards of a partner may make them stay away from sex. Likewise, psychological factors such as anxiety or depression, due to a job loss or a death in the family, may reduce sexual desire
Incompatibility: At times, incompatibility in a relationship, both emotional and sexual, can be the reason why your husband avoids sex. So, a wife may be more adventurous in bed, while a husband may be more traditional, and vice versa. Not being on the same page makes this tricky
Boredom: It may be nothing but boredom over going through the mundane things in life as a couple that ruins sexual intimacy at times
Addiction and side effects of medicines: A lot of medicines reduce libido. Even having new medication can have adverse side effects, including low sex drive. Substance abuse and other addictions too can be reasons why your husband avoids sex
Interpersonal conflicts: Ego issues, emotional distress, arguments over finances or family, and other interpersonal conflicts can affect physical intimacy between partners and cause long-term sexual issues
Lack of physical intimacy can ruin relationships
How To Deal With Your Husband Not Wanting You Sexually
So, what does it mean when your husband rejects you sexually? It probably means there are underlying issues that you need to take care of. Now, let us look at how to fix a situation where you’re left telling yourself, “My husband is not interested in me physically.”
A lot has been said about how to please your husband. In fact, women’s magazines are often all about how to dress up and how to make yourself look prettier for your partner. But on a deeper level, making a man want you sexually is a lot more than looks. Sexual desire is rooted in one’s psychology, our experts agree. So, how do you go about it without stressing over “My husband never initiates intimacy”? Well, we have some tried and tested tips that will answer your burning question, “How do I make my husband want me again?”
Based on that understanding, we have listed a few ways to not just deal with a situation where you keep telling yourself, “My husband loves me but not sexually”, but also ways to bridge the sexual gap:
The first step to bridging the sexual desire gap is to opt for open communication. Have an honest conversation about what your partner loves in bed and what’s not working. Be open about your needs too and make sure you’re on the same page about ongoing relationship issues. Decide if you wish to work things out and go forward.
2. Build trust and transparency
Before complaining, “My husband loves me but not sexually” and blaming yourself or your husband for the lack of jazz in your sex life, you must build trust within the relationship and become best friends. Create a safe space so that both of you can discuss the gaps in your relationship, without seeking comfort in affairs and new sexual encounters.
3. Set boundaries
Boundaries are a big deal in a relationship and must be set with regard to work timings or family commitments. Create a digital detox space too. Switch off your phones before going to bed or keep them away from the bedroom.
4. Stop comparing
Don’t compare your sex life with porn, or with the sex lives of friends. What matters is whether you’re enjoying your time in bed.
Instead of always wondering, “Is this why my husband is not interested in me sexually?,” try and shift the focus from him and concentrate on self-development. Take up a hobby, get a quirky haircut, invest in a gym membership, or splurge on trendy clothes. Look and feel sexy. A new ‘you’ is likely to make him sit up and notice.
6. Opt for medical help
Consult a professional sexologist to get to the root of the issue and find a solution. Make sure you let go of your inhibitions and practice open communication with them, explaining the issue in detail.
7. Rely on psychological intervention
And if nothing works, and you’re still wondering, “How do I make my husband want me again?” try couples counseling. Don’t hesitate to reach out to the skilled and licensed therapists on Bonobology’s panel who can guide you on this.
We hope you aren’t still telling yourself, “My husband loves me but not sexually,” or wondering how to deal with your husband not wanting you. Sex, or penetrative sex, for that matter, may not be the only way to express love, and there are multiple facets of a successful relationship, including traversing through life’s challenges together and facing all the storms that life throws at you.
We also hope we have helped you deal with situations where your husband may be ignoring your sexual desire, either deliberately or inadvertently. After all, physical intimacy is the backbone of any healthy relationship. So, we hope you will now be able to pinpoint a reason and say, “This is why my husband is not interested in me sexually,” and work toward a healthy, fulfilling sex life.
FAQs
1. How do I get my husband to notice me sexually?
If you’re wondering, “Why is my husband not attracted to me?”, remember, there are many ways to make your husband notice you sexually. The most important way is to make your sexual needs heard and switch the focus to yourself. Invest in a beauty routine, nice clothes, and a fitness routine. Focus on self-development, without focusing on your husband.
