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Tag: humor
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Trump Proposes ‘Press the Meat’ Show – Bill Tope, Humor Times
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“Press the Meat” is set to debut in two weeks, and reportedly will feature the ex-president’s wide-ranging sex exploits.
Former President Donald J. Trump has gone public with a proposal for a programming alternative to NBC’s storied political affairs program, Meet the Press, which has been a Sunday morning mainstay for more than 75 years. Trump will call his new show “Press the Meat,” and it will feature news reports, testimonials and current events concerning the ex-president’s wide-ranging sex life.
Said PTM executive produce Tucker Carlson, the show will debut on Dec. 5 which, he said, “is Long Dong Silver’s birthday.” The famed porn star is the person after whom “the Donald has modeled his whole career.” According to Carlson. Trump became associated with Silver during the ex-president’s sexual affair with Stormy Daniels, which never happened.Press the Meat will appear on Trump’s platform Truth Social and will be divided into three segments: 1) A Synopsis of all things sexual and manly that Trump has been up to over the previous week; Celebrity Spotlight: a summary of all the “hot, voluptuous, beautiful people that the president has nailed;” and 3) a Studied Comparison of Trump’s sexual organs with the clearly lesser genitalia of his political opponents. (Nikki Haley will be contrasted with Melania).
Unlike Meet the Press, which is available to viewers at no cost, Press the Meat will require viewers to donate a $100 “love offering” to the coffers of the Trump PAC, which goes to pay for Trump’s attorney fees and political efforts in the 2024 election cycle. Trump tells viewers not to feel bad about the subscription fee because,“The joke is really on the lawyers,” remarked Trump, “because in the end they won’t get paid anyway.”
Press the Meat will run ads for Trump Enterprises, encompassing such products as Trump Steaks, Trump Steak Knives, Shzitka (Trump Vodka), as well as mentorships at the revamped Trump College for White People (TCWP), an institute of higher learning which opened its doors this month.
Sign up for Press the Meat today, urges Carlson, because the first hundred thousand subscribers will receive life-size cutouts of the “true size of Trump’s hands.” Non-subscribers will receive two cutouts.
Bill Tope is a retired (caseworker, cook, construction worker, nude model for art classes, and so on) who lives with his mean little cat Baby.
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Ripping the Headlines Today – Paul Lander, Humor Times
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Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news, even that about the Phillies, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:
Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:
Phillies Fanatic gives fans emotional support, but can’t get any himself. Phillies deny emotional support alligator from entering ballpark
On a related note, the Phillies Fanatic hasn’t been seen since … wouldn’t be surprised if he tasted like San Diego Chicken.
Jim Jordan forced out of House speaker race after losing secret ballot
Personally, I wouldn’t let Jim Jordan lead a party of five to their table at a restaurant.
“I’m not Nostradamus”: Keith Richards on the future of The Rolling Stones
Adding: “Although I did babysit him.”
Team Biden joined Truth Social
… Probably because they want to have a place to be alone.
Woman says date dashed after she ate 48 oysters and more, sparking debate
Could’ve been worse; she could’ve had crabs.
70 percent of New Jersey residents want Menendez to resign: poll
The other 30% would just like for him to return their gifts!
Happy 52nd Birthday, Snoop Dogg
Looks pretty good for a guy’s who’s 364 in Snoop Dogg years.
Judge Engoron fines Trump $5K for violating his gag order
… Wonder what Mexico’s gonna do with their bill.
Meryl Streep and her husband, Don Gummer, have been quietly separated for the past six years
And living with Will and Jada, respectively.
Fani Willis gets Sidney Powell and Kenneth Chesebro to flip in Georgia RICO case
Fani Willis looks like the new Pinball Wizard; she knows how to work those flippers!
Heidi Klum’s sensational nearly nude photo proves this year’s Cannes appearance is her boldest yet
Or, is that appearance of her cans? Potato/potato.
Squirmy critter seen at wildlife refuge leaves Texans disturbed
I’m shocked, shocked … Ted Cruz was actually spotted in Texas.
Paul Mooney once ‘walked in’ on Barbara Walters hooking up with comedian Richard Pryor, says Sherri Shepherd
Would’ve made a great SNL Sketch with Baba WooWoo.
A Danish artist who submitted empty frames as artwork is appealing court ruling to repay the cash
They should’ve paid with a piece of unlined, white paper …
Matt Gaetz repeatedly cursed out by fellow Republicans in heated conference meeting
… Damn, there’s a lot of white on white violence in the Republican caucus; maybe it should be shut down until we see what is going on …
Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of — winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney’s, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that’s been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul’s time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul’s “Ripping the Headlines Today” columns here.)Latest posts by Paul Lander (see all)[ad_2]
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Speakership: Gym Jordan’s Major Fail – Bill Tope, Humor Times
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Rep. Jim Jordan fails to gain House Speakership, as the Republican sh*t show rambles on. Rep. Jim Jordan (R. OH) failed in his benighted quest for Speakership of … Read more
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Saving Face: 10 Easy Suggestions! – Marilyn Sands, Humor Times
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Fights break out in Congress as Jim Jordan tries saving face by ordering a Half-Nelson/Half Baloney on a cute bun!
TOP 10 EASY SUGGESTIONS for SAVING FACE:
10. YOU CAN’T! Your past proceeds you!
9. WRESTLE YOUR WIFE FOR THE ARSENIC!
8. ADMIT THAT PINOCCHIO IS YOUR FAVORITE DWARF!
7. SUCK IT UP & JUST TAKE THAT MEN’S ROOM ATTENDANT’S GIG!
6. ENLIST IN THE ISRAELI ARMY!
5. REWIND JAN 6TH CAPITOL RIOT VIDEO & THIS TIME WATCH IT WITHOUT POPCORN!
4. KISS TRUMP’S RING ONE MORE TIME & WHILE YOU’RE DOWN – CHECK THE OIL!
3. WRITE YOUR OWN FRIGGIN’ TOP 10 LIST!
I am not running out of ideas! haha
2. ASK GIULIANI FOR BEST WHISKEY RECOMMENDATIONS!
Well, maybe I am!
AND the #1 ‘Save Face’ Suggestion:
ADMIT YOUR REAL PENIS SIZE!
Marilyn Sands is a former 80’s Stand-Up Comic & Comic Booker. Sold Jokes to Joan Rivers & lesser lights. Was up one night & wrote 2 Madcap Screenplays & a Stage Play. Her hilarious book “CAN YOU PEE OUTDOORS” On-Line Dating Straight Lines is on amazon.com/dp/1733487409And, “OWNING THE STAGE, RENTING THE BALLS”!My Life as a Funny Girlis on amazon.com/dp/1733487417″Living proofyou don’t have to be a success to write a Memoir”!And yes, this bio is my OBIT too!haha
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22 Of The Funniest Tweets About Cats And Dogs This Week
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Woof — it’s been a long week.
If you feel like you’ve been working like a dog, let us offer you the internet equivalent of a big pile of catnip: hilarious tweets about pets.
Each week at HuffPost, we scour Twitter to find the funniest posts about our furballs being complete goofballs. They’re sure to make you howl.
(And if you want more, no need to beg ― you can check out last week’s batch right here.)
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James Corden Stops Comedy Bit To Bizarrely Vent About Sex Dolls
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James Corden interrupted a “Late Late Show” bit Thursday to oddly riff on why he doesn’t “get” sex dolls. (Watch the video below.)
The host’s detour came in the midst of a segment called “Honest Headlines,” in which real news headlines are rewritten for greater comic effect. One story, titled “Sex Doll Washes Up On Beach Frightening Beach Goers,” was tweaked to say, “Lonely Metal Detector Enthusiast Has Prayers Answered.”
After delivering the punchline, Corden then seemed to go off script, insisting that he needed a minute to explain his distaste for blowups.
“I get a lot of stuff — sexually, I get it,” he said. “I’ve got a wide spectrum, and I’m like, ‘Sure, if you’re into it, rock on, buddy.’”
But, he added, “the purchasing of the sex doll is one thing I’ll never ever, ever understand. I’ll never be able to get my head around someone that’s like, ‘I think this is a good time.’”
Corden then improvised blowing up the doll and reiterated how “I’ll just never get it.”
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Vision Films Presents the Romantic Culinary Delight Perfect for Valentines Day, OFF the MENU
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Press Release
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updated: Jan 18, 2018
Hollywood, CA, January 18, 2018 (Newswire.com)
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Vision Films and Jay Silverman Productions are proud to present this charming romantic comedy about finding love where you least expect: Off The Menu. Directed by Jay Silverman and shot on location in New Mexico, this enticing film with its delectable cuisine is a delightful celebration of the relationship between culture and food and it’s wondrous power to bring people together.Starring Dania Ramirez (Once Upon A Time, Devious Maids), Santino Fontana (Frozen, Crazy Ex-Girlfriend), Makenzie Moss (Steve Jobs, CSI: Crime Scene Investigation), Maria Conchita Alonso (The Running Man, Predator 2), Kristen Dalton (The Departed, Jack Reacher), Andrew Carter (2 Broke Girls, New Girl), and Jen Lilley (A Dash of Love, Days of Our Lives), Off The Menu will will make its World Premiere at the Santa Barbara International Film Festival on Thursday, February 1, with an encore screening on Saturday, February 3. It will also be featured at the 2018 Santa Fe Film Festival on February 8, 2018.
Off The Menu will be available February 6 on Digital for an SRP $4.99 – $9.99 Rent or Buy across all platforms and to Buy on DVD for $14.95.
When the unlikely heir to a Mexican fast food franchise, Joel (Santino Fontana) reluctantly accepts a mission to find new ideas for their menu in New Mexico, he find himself in a small, dusty town where foodies travel from all over to salivate over the culinary treats of a local, authentic, and feisty female chef, Javiera (Dania Ramirez). Opposites attract in this sweet and romantic story about food, family, and love.
Director Jay Silverman says “When my team and I began developing Off The Menu, I was inspired by Michael Pollan’s novel The Omnivore’s Dilemma to show how huge a role that food plays in all our lives,” says director and executive producer Jay Silverman. “Joel’s family owns one of America’s largest fast-food chains, while our Chef Javiera has a farm-to-table approach to her melt-in-your-mouth-good cooking. This cultural detail was central to our story, and enabled our characters romantic journey to begin”.
Producer Bethany Cerrona says “We are very proud that the CAST was over 50% female and Hispanic, which made for a more inclusive experience and authentic story that audiences will be sure to fall in love with.”
Lise Romanoff, Managing Director/ CEO Vision Films says, “The tagline: ‘The secret ingredient is love’, says it all! Dania Ramirez not only charms her co-star Santino Fontana, the audience will be captivated as well.”
https://www.offthemenuthemovie.com/
https://www.facebook.com/offthemenuthemovie/
https://twitter.com/offthemenumovie
https://www.instagram.com/offthemenumovie/
#offthemenumovie
Pre-order Off The Menu
Amazon – http://bit.ly/OtM-AmazonDVD
ABOUT VISION FILMS:
Vision Films is an Independent Worldwide Distributor and VOD Aggregator of over 800 Feature Films, Documentaries and Music Programs from some of the most prolific independent film producers in the world. Led by Lise Romanoff, Managing Director/CEO Worldwide Distribution, Vision Films releases 2-4 films a month, across Theatrical, VOD, DVD, and television. www.visionfilms.net
ABOUT JAY SILVERMAN PRODUCTIONS:
Jay Silverman Productions specializes in producing Television and Film. Founded in 1980 by award-winning director and photographer Jay Silverman, Jay Silverman Productions strives to be on the cutting edge of this ever-evolving industry with the creation of A&E’s “The Cleaner” and the Award Winning Film “Girl On The Edge”.
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We are excited to present Off The Menu for review, and editorial inclusion. Review links are available; request yours today!
PRESS CONTACTS:
Nicole Newton-Plater
For Vision Films
Nicole@ppmg.info
310-860-7774Source: Vision Films
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