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Tag: humor

  • Trump Selects VP Running Mate – Bill Tope, Humor Times

    Trump Selects VP Running Mate – Bill Tope, Humor Times

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    Following months of media speculation, Donald Trump has selected his 2024 VP running mate.

    After much public conjecture and overt deliberation by the candidate himself, former President Donald J. Trump has selected his 2024 VP running mate.

    Trump selects VP running mate. Photo by Gage Skidmore.
    Photo: Gage Skidmore, flickr.com.

    It was once thought that Trump might select a female vice president, a speculation entailing such GOP luminaries as former U.N. Ambassador Nikki Haley, N. Dakota governor Kristi Noem (“She has the nicest ass,” averred the ex-president), Georgia Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene, and even songstress superstar Stefani Germanotta (Lady Maga). Also figuring prominently in the selection process was sex-device entrepreneur Vivek Ramaswamy; Rep. Jim Jordan (R. OH) and high-end evening wear model Governor Ron DeSantis (R. FL).

    Delivering an address at a sweat-shop tennis sneaker factory in Little Rock, Arkansas on Thursday, where 120 children under ten are employed, Trump railed against those RINOS who had in the past supported even the slightest vestiges of industrial trade unions. The ex-president paused in his speech to unexpectedly announce his VP selection: the newly defrocked congressman George Santos (R. NY). The children, who did not speak English, applauded politely.

    “Santos,” boasted Trump, “has has been in Washington for only a brief period, however, he has held positions of immense power even in that short time. He’s told me all about being a Congressman, Secretary of State, a General in the Marines, an Admiral in the Navy, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, and he’s both written and starred in blockbuster movies in Hollywood. This shows his versatility,” said Trump.  The ex-president pointed to Santos’s tenure as Pope as evidence of Santos’s willingness to “theocratize the nation.”

    “Secondly,” Trump went on, “he’s not intimidated by the fake-news, deep-state, mainstream media, like the failing New York Times and morally bankrupt MSNBC.”

    Asked by a Fox News reporter how he accounted for Santos’s auspicious disposition, Trump answered at once: “Because, Santos has literally no shame.” He smiled proudly, noting that this makes Santos an especially appropriate stand-in in the event that Trump himself meets an untimely end.

    “You never know,” said Trump, “I might stop eating again and maybe this time the Speaker won’t drop by.”

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  • Speaker Mike Johnson: Interview – Dean Kaner, Humor Times

    Speaker Mike Johnson: Interview – Dean Kaner, Humor Times

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    Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews Republican House Speaker Mike Johnson.

    ANNOUNCER

    Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

    JERRY DUNCAN

    Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. My guest today is Republican House Speaker Mike Johnson from the great state of Louisiana.

    Speaker Mike Johnson by DonkeyHotey
    Speaker Mike Johnson caricature by DonkeyHotey, flickr.com.

    JERRY

    Hi Gomer.

    CONGRESSMAN MIKE JOHNSON

    My name is Mike, Mr. Duncan.

    JERRY

    You and I have something in common. We both live under a rock.

    MIKE

    Golly! Shazam!

    JERRY

    You’re 51 years old. A member of the House since 2016.

    MIKE

    And a proud redneck.

    JERRY

    Mikey. What does it say on the back of every LSU diploma?

    MIKE

    Don’t know.

    JERRY

    Will Work For Food.

    MIKE

    I love a work ethic.

    JERRY

    I’m here to tell the American people the truth. You’re a Trump apologist.

    MIKE

    Save me, Jesus. If that doesn’t work, Moses.

    JERRY

    Not even they can save you. You’re pathetic.

    MIKE

    You hurt my feelings, Mr. Duncan. I feel worse than when my first cousin broke off our engagement.

    JERRY

    Oh, it gets worse. For starters, you were an unplanned pregnancy when your parents were teenagers.

    MIKE

    I know. My mom explained to me when I got older how Burger King knocked up Dairy Queen. He forgot to wrap his whopper.

    MIKE

    Heck. They got divorced anyway.

    JERRY

    You’re an active member of the Christian Right. Support bills to institute a nationwide ban on abortion. Against homosexuality. Tried to get prayer in public schools. Believe in the Great Replacement Theory by spreading hatred that minorities are going to be the majority in the United States.

    MIKE

    Let me stop you there. You realize Mexico won’t have an Olympic team, because everybody that can run, jump, and swim are already in the U.S. Not fair to Mexico.

    JERRY

    You’re prejudice.

    MIKE

    If I’m too open-minded, my brains will fallout. Louisianans worry about that because we all have the same DNA.

    JERRY

    In 2020, you contested the results of the presidential election. Involved with allegations the voting machines were rigged. Claimed massive election fraud.

    MIKE

    Yep.

    JERRY

    Venezuelan software corrupted the machines with votes for Biden?

    MIKE

    Yes sir. Just ask a vaccinated person and an unvaccinated person who won the 2020 election. They’ll tell you.

    JERRY

    Here’s the worst of your convoluted logic. You’re against climate change science, because you say wind and solar energy cause depression and cognitive dysfunction.

    MIKE

    There can’t be climate change. Otherwise, dinosaurs wouldn’t have accompanied Noah on his Ark. It says so in the Book of Ridiculous. Read the Bible.

    JERRY

    Knock, knock.

    MIKE

    Who’s there?

    JERRY

    Forget.

    MIKE

    Forget who?

    JERRY

    Forget you! Speaker Mike Johnson everyone. See you tomorrow.

     

    The Jerry Duncan Show
    (c) Dean B. Kaner

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  • Queen for a Day: Donald Trump – Marilyn Sands, Humor Times

    Queen for a Day: Donald Trump – Marilyn Sands, Humor Times

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    Queen for a Day

    Trump wants to be “Dictator” but don’t worry, just for one day! Next, maybe he’ll be “Queen for a Day!”

    Queen for a DayQueen for a Day

    Trump says he’ll only be a Dictator for a day – but there are so many more days in a Presidential Term, so I immediately signed up for ‘Costumes & Props’!

    I’ll spare you the names of the world’s notorious Dictators as you know who they are & their rap sheets & that’s a good thing because we don’t need another one!

    But Trump said, ‘Just 1 day’ – so we’ll just have to find out on Election Day who wouldn’t mind giving him his little request on his first day!

    DAY TWO

    He won’t be a Dictator anymore – he’ll be QUEEN FOR A DAY!

    Queen for a DayQueen for a Day

    DAY THREE

    He’ll be A SINGER!

    Trump singsTrump sings

    “What a difference a day makes, twenty-four little hours…” Hit song by THE Dinah Washington

    DAY FOUR

    He’ll be THE VILLAGE IDIOT!

    Trump idiotTrump idiot

    DAY FIVE

    He’ll be A FARMER!

    Trump farmerTrump farmer

    DAY SIX

    He’ll be A PREACHER!

    Trump preacher, Queen for a DayTrump preacher, Queen for a Day

    DAY SEVEN

    He’ll be A METAMUCIL SPOKESPERSON!

    Trump depressedTrump depressed

    DAY EIGHT

    He’ll be A POSTAGE STAMP MODEL!

    Trump mug shot stampTrump mug shot stamp

    And, DAY NINE… PRISONER FOR LIFE! **

    Trump prisoner, Queen for a DayTrump prisoner, Queen for a Day

    ** if not sooner!

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  • Shakespearean insults to make you feel superior to your enemies (30 GIFs)

    Shakespearean insults to make you feel superior to your enemies (30 GIFs)

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    Say what you want about William Shakespeare, but the guy could throw insults like a champ. Sure he was long-winded, invented his own words, and according to BBC he couldn’t even spell his own name properly. But the prolific Playwright sure knew how to put someone down.

    We’ve collected some of the most iconic and stinging insults straight from William’s pen.

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  • Trump to Become Dictator 'on Day One' – Bill Tope, Humor Times

    Trump to Become Dictator 'on Day One' – Bill Tope, Humor Times

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    Coverage of a Trump Town Hall: Trump vows to “become dictator on day one.”

    by Llib Epot, Conservative Capitol Correspondent

    Meeting with Fox News host Sean Hannity for a live interview in Davenport, Iowa this week, in a runup to the Iowa caucuses, former President Donald J. Trump said with a wide grin that he would “become dictator on day one,” promising to close the border and to “Drill, baby, drill, drill, drill!”

    become dictator
    Trump vows to “become dictator on day one,” says he’d be the “best ever.”

    The studio audience cheered.

    While some observers have expressed concern over Trump’s recent “heated rhetoric,” others have applauded Trump’s suggestion that petty thieves be executed.

    “Shoplifters,” thundered Trump, can “expect to be shot as they leave the store. Shot!” he repeated for emphasis. Trump proposed that a “bounty” on suspected shoplifters be paid, as part of what he called his “Urban Black Laws,” which he said he would sign if it came to his desk upon assuming office.

    The crowd laughed merrily and applauded.

    Trump also mugged for the cameras as he mocked former Speaker Nancy Pelosi for being married “to a hammer head.” He repeated his opinion that one-time Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, Mark Milley should be “hanged for treason” because he assured his Chinese counterpart that war was not imminent during the tumultuous last days of the Trump administration.

    When Hannity cautiously asked the ex-president if he was sure he wanted to proceed with sending the general to the gallows, Trump seemed to reconsider and acknowledged that “drawing and quartering him with horses might in fact be preferable.”

    The crowd giggled with rapture.

    Regarding his legal problems, Trump suggested that “death and destruction was in the offing” in the wake of Manhattan District Attorney Alvin Bragg’s indictment of Trump over the ex-president’s alleged hush money payments to a floozy that he allegedly screwed. Trump encouraged “patriots” to “go after” New York State Attorney General Letitia James for prosecuting Trump in a $250 million civil business fraud suit.

    “I’ll pay your attorney fees if you main or kill someone,” he assured the crowd, telling them that he knows more about courtrooms than anyone.

    While Trump’s suggestions of violence and promise to become dictator have received scant attention from the media, other political figures have received inordinate attention: e.g., “Biden’s Dog Bites Secret Service Agent” was page one news in the New York Post and a leading story on Fox News.

    Trump also had something to say about the media. He has vowed to have Comcast Corp., parent company of NBC and MSNBC, investigated for treason. He has suggested a government takeover of the company.

    “Oh day one,” boasted Trump, “I will appoint Steven Miller to take the reins of the company.” Trump has said that MSNBC has no redeeming value, although he would “like to nail MSNBC host Ana Cabrera.”

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  • Ripping the Headlines Today – Paul Lander, Humor Times

    Ripping the Headlines Today – Paul Lander, Humor Times

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    Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

    The news, even that about Southwest Airlines, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon: 

    Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

    Southwest Airlines
    A Southwest Airlines passenger climbed onto a wing.

    Southwest Airlines passenger hospitalized after opening emergency exit and climbing onto wing, officials say

    … Some people will do anything for extra leg room.

    Moms for Liberty founder and her husband in 3-way and now battery is alleged

    Oh, I’m guessing all kinds of batteries were involved.

    Man who stripped naked on Disneyland ride was on drugs, police say

    Ironically, he slipped himself a Mickey.

    Century-overdue library book is finally returned in Minnesota

    … No word if it was found with Joe Biden’s boxed papers.

    Jared Leto becomes the first person to legally climb to the top of the Empire State Building

    The last time he was that high, he agreed to do ‘Morbius.’

    George Santos was expelled from Congress

    … Saying that’s nothing compared to time he was suspended from baseball for using PEDs.

    Darryl Hall broke up with John Oates

    … look for a new group: John Oates and Pete Davidson!

    Cyber Monday biggest on-line shopping event ever

    And, now that Black Friday, Small Business Saturday and Cyber Monday are done, let’s make way for ‘Burglary Tuesday.’

    Henry Kissinger dies at 100

    It probably was the vaccine.

    Huge crack opens up in Iceland, steam pouring forth

    … So, just another vacation for Chris Christie.

    ‘Oppenheimer’ bests ‘Barbie’ in weekend premiere VOD viewership

    … That would explain the giant pink mushroom cloud where Barbie’s dream house used to be.

    Aaron Rodgers talks Jets return this season

    And says he’ll stomp his leg once if yes, twice if no.Will Smith’s team responds to accusations that the actor bottoms

    Will Smith’s team responds to accusations that the actor bottoms

    Damn, a ‘race to the bottom’ is now a description of people rushing to Will Smith’s house!

    The Las Vegas Sphere is already losing a 100 million dollars

    … Look for Elon to pay billions for it …

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  • Kennedy Casts Stones in His Glass House – Bill Tope, Humor Times

    Kennedy Casts Stones in His Glass House – Bill Tope, Humor Times

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    Sen. John Kennedy questioned public health experts on the escalation of gun violence, a bit like throwing stones in a glass house.

    On Tuesday at a Senate hearing on gun violence, Sen. John Kennedy (R-LA) imperiled his own glass house, questioning public health experts on the reason for the escalation of firearm violence.

    John Kennedy glass house
    Sen. John Kennedy (R-LA) asking more dumb questions, casting stones in his own glass house. Photo: C-SPAN, Public Domain.

    He asked Dr. Megan Ranney, a Yale Professor, if the reason that Chicago, Illinois was “the nation’s largest outdoor shooting range” was the existence of “law-abiding citizens owning a gun for protection or perhaps for hunting.”

    He dug at the dirt under his nails with a prodigious Buck knife. “Or,” he asked conversationally, was it due to a “finite, unique set of illegally-armed darkies?”

    Ranney replied that everyone was law-abiding, “until they’re not,” and added that Kennedy’s home-state of Louisiana ranks far above Illinois in gun violence rates. She added that most mass shooters were, in fact, first-offenders and purchased their weapons legally.

    Ranney went on to say that environmental factors, such as urban renewal and creation of green spaces, have been shown to have an effect on rates, decreasing them by as much as 12%.

    Kennedy shook his large head ponderously and dismissed Ranney’s remarks as “word salad.” “I know,” he went on, “that it’s mostly in Democrat cities chock full of nigras where all the gun violence takes place.”

    When Ranney said she’d stake her reputation on her remarks, Kennedy cut her often a second time, saying that Ranney only got to be a Yale professor through “a woke affirmative action program prevalent in the Ivy League.”

    Kennedy then moved to pause the hearing for a “potty break.” He sat back calmly picking his nose.

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  • Here's a Wild Idea That's Taking Root – Jim Hightower, Humor Times

    Here's a Wild Idea That's Taking Root – Jim Hightower, Humor Times

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    Students are organizing locally with a wild idea that makes a difference and makes a statement.

    Growing up, I absorbed a lot of values from my Ol’ Texas Daddy: a strong commitment to the common good, a healthy work ethic and a lively sense of humor. But one thing about him I’ve rejected: his determination to have a perfect yard of thick, verdant St. Augustine grass. Lord, how he worked at it — laying sod, (watering), fertilizing, (watering), weeding, (watering), spreading pesticides, (watering), mowing… (more watering). But it was too hot, too dry, too infested with blight, bugs, slugs and such. He was up against Texas nature, and he just couldn’t win.

    So, I’ve gone in the opposite direction — slowly nurturing a natural yard of native trees, drought-tolerant plants and a general live-with-nature ethos in my little landscape. I’m hardly alone in this rejection of the uniform “green grass imperative.” A spontaneous yard rebellion is taking hold across our country as more and more households, neighborhoods, businesses, etc. shift to a nature-friendly approach. A particularly encouraging push for change is coming from schoolkids — elementary through college — who are appalled by the poisoning of our globe and organizing locally to do something that both makes a difference and makes a statement. One exemplary channel for their activism is a student movement called Re:wild Your Campus.

    Of course, some people consider this a wild idea, after all, wild yards tend to be scruffy, ugly… unruly. That’s their choice, but some also insist that tidy grass lawns must be everyone’s choice. So, they proclaim themselves to be the yard police, demanding that cities and homeowners associations make green-grass uniformity the law, filing busybody lawsuits and running right-wing social media campaigns targeting people and groups that disobey.

    These attacks are silly because… well, they are silly, and also because they’re attacking the future, which is nearly always a loser strategy. To work for yard sanity and choice, go to Rewild.org.

    Voters Reject the Illiberal Bigotry of Moms 4 Liberty

    In one of their satirical songs, the Austin Lounge Lizards lampooned the ridiculous bigotry of some Christian factions, singing: “Jesus loves me. But he can’t stand you.”

    That could be the bellicose anthem of a quasi-religious Republican front group with a very sweet-sounding name: “Moms for Liberty.” Far from sweet, however, these moms are funded by rich Republicans to be ground troops in the party’s culture wars — essentially an anti-liberty campaign against people, books, teachers and ideas they don’t like. In the last few years, squads of these moms have turned into political hate groups, persecuting small town school board members by baselessly accusing them of conspiring to indoctrinate children with pornography, hatred of white people and “liberal” thinking.

    Having stirred up dust devils of division and fear, the momsters ran candidates in local board elections this fall, hoping to take over public schools. But they miscalculated on an essential political reality: Most Americans are not right-wingers, bigots or Christian nationalists. The group had counted on surprising voters in what are usually low visibility/low-turnout races, but the extremists were the ones surprised by an aggressive voter pushback against their scheme.

    Indeed, various surveys show that the GOP’s mom-wing lost about 80% of its races across the country, even in major swing states like Ohio, Pennsylvania and Virginia. For example, in the very conservative school district of Pennridge, Pennsylvania, where a far-right majority of the board was attempting to impose a national model of a politically driven educational system, five Republican incumbents were up for reelection. All five were swept out, turning the Pennridge school board blue for the first time in years!

    To help push back against right-wing politicizers of your school district, contact Campaign for Our Shared Future.

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  • Kringle Unwraps His Dating Profile – Marilyn Sands, Humor Times

    Kringle Unwraps His Dating Profile – Marilyn Sands, Humor Times

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    Kris Kringle

    Mrs. Claus gives Santa aka Kris Kringle aka BowlFullofJelly a ‘Deck the Halls Pass’!

    It’s true! Santa wants to trade-in the old Mrs for a brand new Better-Half-his-age on-line!

    Kris Kringle wifeKris Kringle wife

    Mrs. Claus says it’s just a phase & his new on-line pics prove it!

    Clara says, ‘What can I do? During sex Mr Kringle calls out all nine reindeer names plus his before he gets to mine: ‘Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Rudolph & Blinzes’!

    Kris KringleKris Kringle

    ‘You know that old saying, ‘There may be snow on the roof, but there’s fire in the furnace’!

    ‘Ha!  Well, our furnace hasn’t worked since…Eisenhower‘!

    ‘With him, there’s always Good News & Bad News: Mr. Wonderful can find the John in the middle of the night…but can’t unbuckle his frigin’ Red Suit in time’!

    ‘He’ll find out you don’t always get what you want & I’ve got millions of Wish Lists here to prove it: Little Johnny wants a Doll, Little Susie wants a Truck & Marilyn Sands wants him to read her funny new book “CAN YOU PEE OUTDOORS?” On-Line Dating Straight Lines found on Amazon’!  

    I’m sorry!  haha

    ‘Lookie, lookie – I found my poor little dear’s Dating Profile in his sock drawer next to his Viagra!  Looks like he has 2 ‘About Me’ lists – one he posted & another in case the first one doesn’t work!

    ‘Help me decide if he’s ‘Naughty or Nice’ & whether I should take him back ‘as is’!

    • JOLLY
    • DRIVE AT NIGHT
    • WORK FROM HOME 364 DAYS A YEAR!
    • DON’T EXERCISE! Okay – get in sleigh, get out of sleigh!
    • WON’T RELOCATE – but know how to stack wood!
    • WHEN I SAY I’M OUT BOWLING – I’m out bowling!
    • ONCE HAD A FLING WITH THE TOOTH FAIRY!
    • LOVE ME SOME LAP DANCES!
    • HAVE KIDS, DON’T WANT KIDS – don’t want your kids!
    • LIKE TO RUN AROUND THE HOUSE NAKED WEARING TINSEL!
    • SMELL LIKE AN ASHTRAY!
    • WILL SHAVE MY BELOVED BEARD OFF IN EXCHANGE FOR – well, a truly benevolent gesture!

    ‘Oh look – my honey has only one deal breaker’!

    ‘He loves me’!

    Kris KringleKris Kringle

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  • Ripping the Headlines Today – Paul Lander, Humor Times

    Ripping the Headlines Today – Paul Lander, Humor Times

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    Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

    The news, even that about Taco Bell, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon: 

    Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

    Taco Bell
    Taco Bell order is easy prey for a hungry bear.

    Nacho average bear: Florida mammal swipes $45 Taco Bell order from porch after Uber Eats delivery

    That’s like 9,000 tacos and a churro worth …

    Black Friday sales surge, despite economic uncertainties

    Actually, I went to an after-Thanksgiving sale once. Never again … because it’s true, ‘once you go Black Friday you never go back.’

    Joe Biden confused Britney Spears for Taylor Swift

    … While Trump confused his ex-wife with the woman he sexually assaulted.

    21 warning signs someone is Bipolar

    For one, they think there are 42 signs.

    NATO jets intercept Russian military plane over Baltic States

    … As opposed to NY Jets, who only get intercepted.

    Leonardo DiCaprio celebrated his 49th Birthday

    … Big turnout, probably because it wasn’t on a school night.

    Trump releases a letter from a doctor declaring that the former president’s “overall health is excellent” and “cognitive exams were “exceptional”

    So, it was signed Dr. George Santos, MD.

    Swimmer spots ‘once in a lifetime’ sight of sea lion battling octopus, video shows

    Weirdest thing was guest ref Sponge Bob Referee Pants.

    Former US first lady Rosalynn Carter dies at 96

    … And, not just a First Lady, but always a lady first. God speed.

    Founder of far-right Catholic site resigns over breach of its morality clause, group says

    I believe they made the announcement on XXX.

    Robert De Niro didn’t appreciate the claim that he would take phone calls while using the bathroom

    No word if bad cell service in bathrooms forced him to ask callers: ‘Hello, hello. You talking to me?’

    Republicans only care about the debt when a Democrat is president

    Yup, otherwise they suffer from ‘Lack of Attention To The Deficit Disorder.’

    Britney Spears’ memoir sold 1.1 million copies in its first week

    With all the dating revelations In Britney Spears’ new book, instead of the ‘Woman in Me,’ it should be called ‘The Men in Me.’

    Virginia Democrat Susanna Gibson loses state House race after sex video scandal

    … People were shocked seeing a politician with their actual spouse …

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