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Hendy
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Tag: humor
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Dudes posting their wins online is the positive content we love to see (25 Photos)
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Time for some positivity on the timeline. We’ve collected a batch of dudes celebrating their wins on the internet. Life is short, and if we don’t stop to celebrate the little things – as well as the big – then what are we doing here?
Dudes helping dudes, and lifting each other up will never not be cool, so I’m happy to share these galleries any day of the week. Enjoy!
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Zach Nading
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20 truth-bombs we all needed to hear from a therapist
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Making the decision to see a therapist is hard enough. Digesting the information and advice that they give you, and using it to better yourself is something different altogether. It’s always a process, and it definitely doesn’t happen overnight.
As harsh as some of these may sound, therapists are usually spot-on when it comes to pointing out things that we ourselves maybe can’t (or don’t want to) see.
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Zach Nading
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AI Hoiman: No More Two Party System – Ted Holland, Humor Times
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Dispatches From SNN (Slobovian News Network)
The AI candidate Hoiman says we should get rid of political parties altogether.
Presidential candidate Artificial Ignorance Entity Hoiman says that the American system has ground to a halt because Congress is a joke. Further, Hoiman says today’s political parties are like two three-year-olds fighting over a lollipop.
Still from the movie, “A.I. Artificial Intelligence” (2001). “It’s time to get rid of political parties and elections as we now know them,” said Hoiman. “Because of the corrupt parties, nothing gets done on the local, state or federal government levels.”
He states that the political process in the Democratic Republic of Pepperbutte is an improvement over the current US political system. “The people run the government of DRP. There are no political parties, no elections and no professional politicians,” he said.
Hoiman explained that most Americans are unfamiliar with Pepperbutte. “It has a population of 7 million people and is the world’s largest exporter of organic digital condoms and ass wax,” he said.
Since there are no political parties in Pepperbutte, citizens are drafted to fill public offices. Those between the ages of 18 and 30 are selected to serve one year in the Pepperbuttean military corps. Taxpayers and property owners between the ages of 30 and 60 are selected to serve on town counsels, state assemblies and the national congress. Once you serve your four year term you cannot serve another term.
Pepperbutte has no political campaigns and no elections. Mayors, governors and the vice chancellor are picked from within the group draftees.
This works for Pepperbutte and could work for America, Hoiman says. “I am looking forward to running against and matching wits with Donald Trump,” he added.
SNN Words to Live By
“Everything is beautiful in its own way” — Ray Stevens, “Everything is Beautiful,” 1970 song.
“Don’t confuse feeling good with being good.” — writer James Fixx.
Ted holland attended college for four years. The year that he bothered to go to class he studied history. He majored in throwing quarters in the jukebox in the Student Union canteen and minored in a girl named Marsha. His books include This Day In African American Musicand B Western Actors Encyclopedia.
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Ted Holland
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Cheney Offers to Waterboard Trump – Ralph Lombard, Humor Times
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Ex-Congresswoman wants to waterboard Trump to ‘get at the truth’ about January 6th.
In a less-publicized section of Liz Cheney’s tell-all expose “Oath and Honor,” the former US Congresswoman explains how she’d personally deal with Donald Trump.
Like father, like daughter: Liz Cheney wants to waterboard Trump. “I’d waterboard him,” she writes. “Donald Trump is, without a doubt, the gravest threat this country has ever faced. And I mean ever! Far greater than Bin Laden ever was, far greater than Lee Harvey Oswald, or Fidel Castro, or Jefferson Davis, or John Wilkes Booth, or Benedict Arnold, or even Hitler himself. And if that doesn’t justify enhanced interrogation techniques, I don’t know what does!
“I think that if I was allowed just five minutes alone with him at an undisclosed location in Guantanamo Bay for a heart-to-heart chat — well, I just think that would go a long way towards helping bring out the real truth about Trump’s involvement in the January 6th insurrection. As a matter of fact, if I’m any judge of character, it might only take ten or fifteen seconds.”
In a later chapter Cheney reveals what she thinks would be the proper punishment for Trump’s many crimes.
“When Trump gets sent to prison — I mean if Trump gets sent to prison, ha-ha– he certainly should not be given a free ride. Hopefully by that time he’ll be financially ruined and completely penniless, and absolutely dependent on the good will of all the people he’s thrown under the bus over the years. Which is to say, he’ll be all alone.
“This will force him to engage in demeaning outsourced manual labor to pay for his keep in prison. Fast-food employment might well be considered. Of course working at McDonald’s would be more of a reward than a punishment, but I think that working at Taco Bell as, say, the toilet cleaning boy, might be entirely appropriate. And we’d even give him three free meals a day of all the tacos he could eat, washed down with plenty of genuine imported Mexican water.
“On the weekends Trump could be locked in a pillory in the prison exercise yard for gala celebrations. The festivities could begin with a “dangerous fruit” throwing contest for the children, followed by a thousand-dollar-a-plate fund-raiser, where participants get to break the plates over Trump’s head. Ten thousand dollar kicks in the ass would also be available. The grand finale could be an auction, with a minimum bid of one hundred thousand dollars, where one lucky lady gets to grab Trump by the bells (sic), and wring them for thirty seconds!”
I was born a young baby. Then I grew up. Then I grew confused. Then I grew tired. I’m a 20th century man who’s somehow been transported to the 21st century, with one foot in the gone past and the other in the here now. I started my blog mymanymoodsofme toward the end of 2012. There I write humorous essays, stories and poems (lyrics from my songs), in addition to my aphorisms. It’s good work… if you get it. In my spare time I play chess, write songs, and reflect upon what I see. I’m very happy to be colluding with Humor Times, and hope you enjoy the result. Cheers!
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Ralph Lombard
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Musk Reinstates Banned Users from X – Bill Tope, Humor Times
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Social platform reopened to previously banned users, including current and historical figures.
Elon Musk, still the funniest guy in his own imagination. With the reinstatement of conspiracy theorist Alex Jones’ account on X, platform owner Elon Musk said that was just the beginning; “You ain’t seen nothing yet,” crowed the wealthiest man on the planet, clutching a kitchen sink in his arms.
Following is the transcript of an address made by Elon Musk himself, to a captive audience of some 10,000 Tesla workers, employed at the Fremont Tesla plant outside San Francisco, CA. They were enjoying their one daily 10-minute work break. At intervals, upon a signal from Telsa brass, they applauded politely.
I am pleased that my pal Alex Jones showed those towheads at Sandy Hook for what they are — fakers. In the past, the misguided former owners of this platform banned users, including current and historical figures who never have been excluded from the site. I have absolved them, in the interest of fairness, balance, and First Amendment rights. They are:
Joseph Goebbels: Hitler’s imaginative Minister of Propaganda, Goebbels told the truth about the unutterably evil Jewish vermin. He was right to depict them on film as vile rodents scurrying through ratholes in abandoned buildings. If Goebbels were alive today, he would be in charge of X. He’s my kind of guy, a hard-hitting journalist and an avatar of the social conscience of X.
Benito Mussolini: Misunderstood Dictator of Italy. A forerunner of the modern fascist movement, Mussolini got a lot of bad press, but he made the damn trains run on time. All the rest are just details.
James Earl Ray: Convicted killer of civil rights icon Martin Luther King, Jr. Ray was a social scientist and an activist, intent on eliminating what I call the ‘dark influences’ from the American scene. Ray, who perished at 70 in Nashville, TN in 1998, supposedly died from cancer. That was the deep state’s story, but I have double-secret information that it was an inside job, perpetrated by a gang of renegade nigras! I heard this from Alex Jones, so you can take it to the bank.
Donald J. Trump: The 45th U.S. President was unfairly banned from Twitter two days after the Jan. 6, 2021, so-called insurrection at the U.S. Capitol. President Trump assured me that he had nothing to do with the minor fracas of Jan. 6, and that even if he did, he was president, and so what? I know Trump to be a man of his word, and so I take him at face value. Besides, after next November, when he thrashes old man Biden at the polls, The Donald will be president once more. And I might want a new contract with the Feds.
Okay, people, your 10 minutes are up; and if you’re late getting back to the lines, I’ll have to dock your pay. Here, somebody carry this sink back to my office.
Bill Tope is a retired (caseworker, cook, construction worker, nude model for art classes, and so on) who lives with his mean little cat Baby.
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Bill Tope
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Ripping the Headlines Today – Paul Lander, Humor Times
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Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news, even that about smuggled endangered fish fillets, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:
Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:
Frozen endangered fish fillets… yum! Arizona Customs seizes endangered fish organs worth $2.7 million found in shipment of frozen fish fillets
Mrs. Paul, you have the right to remain silent …
Moms for Liberty co-founder admitting to threesome sparks backlash
… And really ought to have a sex book called the Karen Sutra.
Welsh couple bereft after bomb squad detonate ornamental garden missile
Good thing, I hear it was a Surface-to-Sleigh Missile.
Romney says he’d vote Biden over Trump
Biden: Told ya’ I was doing well with young people.
Ohtani goes to the Dodgers on a 10-year $700 million deal
So, in L.A. terms he’ll have barely enough to rent a 2 bedroom in Reseda, car port space separate …
Nick Cannon spends $200K a year taking his 12 kids to Disneyland
… It’s all that money he saves from not buying condoms.
Norman Lear gone at 101
He’s movin’ on up, movin’ on up to a deluxe apartment in the sky. God speed, sir.
RFK Jr. running as independent
… And pretty much, mostly independent of support from the rest of Kennedy family!
What Matt Rife’s baffling Netflix special tells us about comedy
C’mon, let’s face it; Dane Cook is the painting in Matt Rife’s attic.
House staffer swiftly changes locks on George Santos’ office
… Right after counting silverware in Capitol dining hall…
Indiana man found with handgun hidden in his rectum
Rectum, damn near killed him.
AARP members get early access to Rolling Stone tickets
… Well, they do have to leave early for their 8 PM bedtime.
Blake Shelton says he doesn’t miss “The Voice” — but he took home a surprising keepsake
And, we’re all rooting for him and Gwen Stefani!
U.S. payrolls rose 199,000 in November
Well, 198,999 … because, y’know, George Santos …
Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of — winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney’s, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that’s been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul’s time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul’s “Ripping the Headlines Today” columns here.)Latest posts by Paul Lander (see all)[ad_2]
Paul Lander
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Wild and weird party stories that go above and beyond (18 GIFs)
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I’m not going to pretend that I’ve lived the most exciting life out there, so my “wildest” party stories don’t compare much to even the average person’s experiences.
However, I don’t think the average person has seen even half of what these stories describe. Particularly the last one, which unlike so many stories we see posted online is confirmed to be absolutely real:
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Jacob
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