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Jacob
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Tag: humor
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Most toxic and insufferable fanbases in existence (20 GIFs)
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Before we jump in here, these aren’t just tiny groups of people. These are entire fanbases who have a cult-like, mob mentality about something as trivial as Pokemon relationships. These are the stans that need to take a step back, go outside, and touch some grass.
Enjoy the worst of the worst!
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Zach Nading
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MTG Releases New Tell-All Book – Bill Tope, Humor Times
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MTG shovels the dirt on friends and foes alike in new tell-all book.
Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene (R), representing Georgia’s 6th Congressional district since 2021, has come out with a tell-all book, a memoir of her years of political enlightenment which she states began in 2015, with the escalator ride taken in Trump Tower by future President Donald J. Trump.
MTG counts how many actual facts are in her new tell-all book. Photo by Gage Skidmore, CC BY-SA 2.0. In the book, titled I’d Drink His Bathwater: My Loyalty to The Donald, Greene recounts the highlights of her career so far. For example, she promulgates many controversial political (conspiracy) theories, including that the 9/11 2001 attack on the Twin Towers in New York was a so-called inside job, perpetrated by elements of the “deep state.” Greene states the actual perpetrators were not Saudi radicals, but in fact Jews and seminal figures of the nascent Black Lives Matter (BLM) movement.
Another theory put forth by Greene is that the spate of destructive wildfires which ravaged the Pacific Northwest some five years ago was the work of space lasers manipulated by Rothschild family “bad Jews.” Said Greene: “They’re always up to shit.”
Still another conspiracy theory she sets forth in detail is that rogue Democrats, also enmeshed in the deep state, operated a cannibalistic child-sex-trafficking ring out of a Washington D.C. pizza parlor. “They wasn’t just puttin’ pepperonis on them pies,” claimed Greene in a post on Twitter. Hillary Clinton, stated Greene, “was the bitch behind this disgraceful episode.”
Greene, who divorced her husband of more than 30 years in 2022, has been linked romantically in the tabloids with former President Donald J. Trump. When Trump was temporarily incarcerated in Fulton County, Georgia last year, to have his mug shot and fingerprints taken, Greene allegedly had a conjugal visit with the ex-president. Trump reportedly said that if such interludes continued to occur, then he’d “be happy to spend more time in the clink.”
MTG’s political career has been a mixed bag. Although she was stripped of her committee assignments during her first term, due to imprudent public remarks and posts on social platforms, Greene. a fast friend of former Speaker Kevin McCarthy, has in her second term gained membership on the House Committee on Oversight and Accountability and the House Committee on Homeland Security where, she wrote, she has “consistently raised hell.” She has personally introduced bills to impeach some 40 members of the Biden administration, including all the cabinet members.
On Jan. 20, 2021, Greene introduced a bill of impeachment against newly-inaugurated President Joe Biden. It was his first day on the job. And she has said that she would move to vacate the Speaker’s chair if new Speaker Mike Johnson managed to pass legislation which would afford military aid to Ukraine, which is involved in an on-going war with Russia.
“That there’s a territorial dispute,” cried Greene on the House floor, gnashing her teeth. “We got no business helping out them Ukraine Nazis,” she recounted, quoting herself. Greene went on to write that, when Donald Trump is reelected, then “he’ll nuke them sons’o’bitches!”
Green concludes her tell-all book by looking to the future, a future with Donald J. Trump at America’s helm. “Trump has already had a big effect on my life,” she wrote. Emulating the 45th president, she has taken up golf. She said her low score matches her record at the dead lift — 325.
“I would,” she quipped on the last page of the memoir, quoting the book’s title, “drink Trump’s bath water.”
Bill Tope is a retired (caseworker, cook, construction worker, nude model for art classes, and so on) who lives with his mean little cat Baby.
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Ripping The Headlines Today – Paul Lander, Humor Times
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Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news, even that about another Bills playoff loss, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:
Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:
The Bills suffer yet another playoff loss to the Chiefs. Bills fans pelt Patrick Mahomes with snowballs after another playoff loss to Chiefs
Luckily for Mahomes, most missed him ‘wide right.’
Trump: ‘We’re going to build an iron dome over our country’
Adding: ‘And make Mars pay for it!’
Supposedly magic jeans promise to reduce cellulite
I’m guessing they’re confusing it with magic genes.
Andrew Yang endorsed Dean Phillips over Biden
So, someone we forgot about is for someone we never heard of!
Melbourne crime boss accidentally shot himself in the testicle
… Ironically, showing his patriotism by shooting himself ‘down under.’
Gen Zers who want the buzz but not the hangover are fueling a nonalcoholic spirits boom
Although it’s making them so boring, look for them to be called Gen Zzzzzzzz.
Ron DeSantis officially suspended his campaign for President. All that leaves are two Republican candidates
One wears too much makeup, dyes their hair, lies about their weight, and the other is Nikki Haley.
Florida man sues Dunkin’ for $50,000 in damages after claiming ‘exploding toilet’
… In fairness, probably just the toilet getting even.
Happy 53rd birthday, Kid Rock
At that age, you might want to change your name to ‘Middle Aged Elevator Music.’
D.C sees biggest snowfall in two years as 3 to 5 inches frost region
The last time the outside of the Capitol was that white was during the January 6 insurrection!
Farmer claims he was offered lap dance if he agreed to wind turbine on his land
You’d think a b%$w job would be more appropriate.
US finds Bayer’s genetically modified corn can be safely grown — but there’s a big catch
It’ll give you quite a headache.
Bill Belichick, Patriots ‘part ways’ after 24 seasons, 6 Super Bowl titles
Man, that took a pair of deflated balls from owner Bob Kraft.
Bill O’Reilly is furious as his own titles get removed after supporting Florida book bans
Who?
Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of — winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney’s, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that’s been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul’s time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul’s “Ripping the Headlines Today” columns here.)Latest posts by Paul Lander (see all)[ad_2]
Paul Lander
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Simpsons Writer Reveals Iconic Episode's Hidden Marijuana Joke
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Debuting on December 17, 1989, it has run 760 episodes. The Simpson’s holds the record for the longest-running American animated series, longest-running American sitcom, and the longest-running American scripted primetime television series. This includes both in seasons and individual episodes. It seems the public can’t get enough of the dysfunctional family.
As way to keep the public engaged, the creators drop behind the scene information including on-set drama or lucky breaks creators had along the way. Other times, it’s Easter eggs you missed or were left on the cutting room floor.
“Simpsons” writer Josh Weinstein shared a joke which falls into the latter category for the cartoon’s iconic “Who Shot Mr. Burns?” two-part episode. In another example of the Simpson’s creator prediction the future, they understood the upcoming mainstreaming of marijuana.
Josh Weinstein, the writer episode’s script revealed “Simpsons” TV broadcaster Kent Brockman was secretly a marijuana user. Police officers investigate for clues while Brockman reports live from the scene, in the scene Weinstein shared.
RELATED: The 1975’s Matt Healy Reveals How Marijuana Helps His Mental Health
During the telecast, sniffer dogs converge upon Brockman, hinting he may have illicit substances on his person. “Brockman takes out a baggie of medicinal herbs and quickly crams it in his mouth,” reads the script. With his mouth full, he asks Wiggum, “Anything else, Chief?”
On the 24th anniversary of “Who Shot Mr. Burns? (Part Two)” – and an era in which marijuana’s legal in many places – here’s a Kent Brockman scene that got cut after the October ’96 table read, implying he clearly likes to smoke it. pic.twitter.com/46X9eH63AL
— Josh Weinstein (@Joshstrangehill) September 17, 2019
Weinstein revealed in comments to his post that he assumes the joke “got cut for time ’cause this episode was really jammed with stuff and this was just a side joke.” When one user commented that Kent Brockman always “came across as a coke guy,” Weinstein agreed.
This isn’t the first time “The Simpsons” has included some clever marijuana humor into its writing. In the 2005 episode “Midnight Rx,” the show accurately predicted Canada legalizing cannabis ahead of the United States. There was also the 2002 “Weekend at Burnsies” episode, which follows Homer getting a medical marijuana prescription and includes the most pot jokes possible in any “Simpsons” episode.
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Brendan Bures
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Some of the most “small town” things people have ever witnessed (18 GIFs)
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Being from a small-ish town in Michigan, I feel like my high school senior prank of stealing the local Big Boy statue and putting it on top of the commentator’s booth at the football field qualifies as a “small town” thing.
Small towns have their quirks, and that’s for better and worse (but mostly better):
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Jacob
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When Private Enterprise Fails – Jim Hightower, Humor Times
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In cities all across America, private enterprise is driving poor and middle-class families out of their own towns.
In cities all across America, an infiltration of private enterprise wealthy investors, developers and bankers is driving poor and middle-class families out of their own towns.
What’s at work here is the relentless financial shove of high-dollar gentrification. House by house, block by block, moneyed interests suddenly (and often secretly) buy up properties, bulldozing modest family homes to erect sprawling edifices for the rich. It’s a profiteering money grab that intentionally prices out regular homebuyers. Worse, it also artificially skyrockets property taxes for the area’s longtime homeowners, forcing them to sell out and leave town.
This financial whirligig is enormously destructive to a community’s crucial sense of fairness and… well, community. For one glaring example, look at who likely does NOT live in your city: schoolteachers, fire fighters, police, nurses, utility crews and others who’re essential to making any city work.
If the so-called “free market” can’t (or won’t) provide affordable spaces so these families can “come home,” where they belong, then the community itself must step up to meet the need with creative public initiatives.
The good news is that many cities are doing just that, including where I live. Fed up with losing teachers who endure spirit-sucking, hourlong commutes from distant suburbs, Austin’s school board recently created its own affordable housing arm. It’s starting to build hundreds of rental homes affordable to teachers, cafeteria workers, bus drivers and other school employees. In addition, the district has formed a “public facility corporation” that partners with local developers and groups like Habitat for Humanity to build and sell family homes at prices within reach of the city’s school employees.
Housing is not only a basic human need but also a community essential that can’t be left to the whims and greed of developers.
Martin Luther King Jr. Didn’t Just Dream, He Organized!
It’s time once again for America’s annual sing-along of “We Shall Overcome,” in celebration of Rev. Martin Luther King Jr.’s birthday. As even schoolchildren know, he famously had a dream. His dream was that over the long arc of history, America will someday achieve racial harmony — if Black people will stop being pushy about racial injustice.
Oh, wait — that’s the right wing’s current whitewashed version of King’s dream, scrubbing out his condemnation of brutally racist white leaders and institutions (which still repress Black progress and foment racial hatred). And far from meekly waiting on “the arc of history,” King rallied people to take immediate action, calling it “the fierce urgency of now.”
He sought “a grand alliance of Negro and White (to) eradicate social evils (that) oppress both White and Negro.” At the time of his assassination, he was actively forging that populist coalition to battle plutocratic wealth.
Indeed, King knew the history he sought to revive. The post-Civil War Populist Movement, he said, “began awakening the poor White masses and the former Negro slaves to the fact that (both) were being fleeced by (Southern aristocrat interests).” That movement, he noted, intended to write a black-white voting bloc “to build a great society of justice where none would prey upon the weakness of others; a society of plenty where greed and poverty would be done away.”
But the unifying, democratic promise of Populism, King rightly explained, so terrified the aristocracy of wealth that its leaders made it “a crime for Negroes and Whites to come together as equals at any level.” Thus moneyed elites effectively killed the people’s Populist party in the 1890s — but not the people’s Populist spirit.
So rather than merely celebrating a birthday, let’s recommit to King’s real dream of a multiracial, democratic Populism.
National radio commentator, writer, public speaker, and author of the book, “Swim Against The Current: Even A Dead Fish Can Go With The Flow,” Jim Hightower has spent three decades battling the Powers That Be on behalf of the Powers That Ought To Be – consumers, working families, environmentalists, small businesses, and just-plain-folks.Twice elected Texas Agriculture Commissioner, Hightower is a modern-day Johnny Appleseed, spreading the message of progressive populism all across the American grassroots.
He broadcasts daily radio commentaries that are carried in more than 150 commercial and public stations and on the web.
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Let's Send All Billionaires to Mars! – Jim Hightower, Humor Times
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Why not just send our “genius” billionaires to Mars, and let them report back?
Unfortunately, in the short time we homo sapiens have existed on this 4.5-billion-year-old Planet Earth, we have trashed the place. Climate change, deforestation, desertification, plastics in everything, etc.
Fortunately, though, we large-brained hominids have evolved an almost-magical resource that promises to be our salvation: Billionaires!
One of the priceless benefits of amassing a multibillion-dollar, self-regenerating pile of wealth is that it automatically establishes you as “a Genius.” Never mind that you’ve most likely acquired your stash through some combination of inheritance, grift, rank exploitation, tax dodging and such; you’re suddenly treated as a savant whose most fanciful nonsense is now taken seriously by the establishment.
Thus, we presently have two overstuffed money hogs, Elon Musk and Jeff Bezos, preaching that Earth is a lost cause. But, no problem, for they are designing space technologies that will let a cadre of select humans escape doom by colonizing the Moon and Mars. Using untold billions of our tax dollars, the two are in a PR race to land their spaceships first. But — hey, bozos! — what then? You think our blue-green planet is hell, try living with no air, water, soil, little gravity and zero protection from the incessant bombardment of cosmic radiation.
Well, postulate the billionaire space cadets, “we” (actually meaning us taxpayers) will just geoengineer Mars and the Moon, terraforming them into an Earthlike oasis. But, wait — as astrophysicist Neil DeGrasse Tyson pointed out a decade ago — “If you had the power to terraform Mars into Earth, then you have the power to turn Earth back to Earth.”
Tyson later said he’d only go to Mars if the designer of the colony “had sent their mother first.” Nice… but I have no doubt Musk and Bezos would gladly sacrifice their moms to advance their egos.
Forget Millionaires. A Few Billionaires Are Now Stealing Our Country
In the serious business of politics, a little humor can be your best friend.
I saw its impact 30 years ago in Austin when a group of young, irreverent democracy activists decided to try limiting corporations that were drowning our local elections in their special-interest campaign cash. The upstart group named their grassroots effort a name that was a bit whimsical, yet pointed: “Austinites for a Little Less Corruption.”
It caught on. Even though the entire corporate, political and media establishment united in furious opposition to the reform, 70% of voters rather joyously shouted, “YES!”
Now more than ever, we need to rally grassroots Americans in a high-spirited, openly rebellious campaign to save our people’s historic democratic values. An autocratic coterie of plutocratic supremists with unlimited corporate funding already dominates our elections, public policy, agenda and our highest courts. It’s not a secret conspiracy; they’re quite open about it!
But forget the days of million-dollar donors; the arsenal of the systemic corruptors has now been nuclearized. For example, Charles Koch has just injected $5 billion in his 2024 political operation. Tim Dunn, an ultra-right-wing Texas oil baron and extremist GOP sugar daddy, has just sold his fracking empire for $12 billion, gaining a new gusher of cash to weaponize his intention to impose laissez-faire rule over America.
It’s hard to visualize how much more anti-democratic firepower one gets by spending billions instead of mere millions. Think of the difference not in terms of dollars, but time. If you have a million seconds, that’s 11 days. But a billion seconds — that’s more than 31 years!
We can have no progress — no democracy — without getting corporate money out of America’s political system. For info and action, go to citizen.org.
National radio commentator, writer, public speaker, and author of the book, “Swim Against The Current: Even A Dead Fish Can Go With The Flow,” Jim Hightower has spent three decades battling the Powers That Be on behalf of the Powers That Ought To Be – consumers, working families, environmentalists, small businesses, and just-plain-folks.Twice elected Texas Agriculture Commissioner, Hightower is a modern-day Johnny Appleseed, spreading the message of progressive populism all across the American grassroots.
He broadcasts daily radio commentaries that are carried in more than 150 commercial and public stations and on the web.
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Jim Hightower
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Republican Guvs Tell Kids: “Stay Hungry!” – Bill Tope, Humor Times
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GOP guvs decry welfare and childhood obesity, tell lazy kids to “stay hungry” for success.
Fifteen Republican governors have said no to participating in a federally funded food assistance program, telling lazy kids to “stay hungry” for success. The program was passed on a bipartisan basis by Congress in 2022 and is designed to provide money ($120 per child) for food purchases during the summer, when children are on break and unable to receive free lunches at school.
Tom Vilsack, Secretary of Agriculture. Photo: U.S. Department of Agriculture, Public Domain. Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack said $2.5 billion was allocated in service to 21 million children. Governors gave various reasons for their states’ non-participation.
Oklahoma Governor Kevin Stitt (R), reached at the governor’s mansion in Oklahoma City, where he was having dinner with his wife, Mary, and their nine children, was cutting into a T-bone steak. “Oklahoma has adequate resources,” he said around a mouthful of medium-rare steak, “and I’m completely satisfied.” He suggested that parents of “so-called hungry kids” plant “victory gardens, like they did in WWII.”
One of the problems with food availability in the summer months is that of access. According to Prof. Mary Tupper, of Harvard University, just one in six in-need families can obtain food resources due to transportation problems. Florida Governor Ron DeSantis (R), reached on the campaign trail in Lobotomie, IA, said that he’s investigating a program whereby bicycles, with large baskets on the handlebars, will be leased to in-need Floridians for a moderate fee. “This service will NOT be available to transgenders,” the governor noted sharply.
Iowa Governor Kim Reynolds (R), put forth by some as a likely running mate for the Florida governor, decried “Childhood obesity.” With a shudder she remarked that she’d do nothing to create “ten thousand more fat little Black children” in her state. She added that there weren’t enough “restrictions on food purchases,” and suggested that some parents used food vouchers to obtain “beer, whiskey, lottery tickets, and even cannabis.” Besides, she said, Iowa “is full of restaurants that just throw out perfectly good food every day; it’s up to the parents to be innovative in procuring food for their families.”
Florida, Georgia, S. Carolina and Wyoming have, in addition to denying increased food assistance, opted out of the Medicaid expansion as well. Noted Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (R. GA): “It’s them George Soros Jews behind all this. They’s trying to replace real Americans with fat Black and brown kids!”
Katie Bergh, a senior policy analyst at a Washington-based research and policy institute, said that pilot programs have shown that this program makes kids healthier and less hungry. It provides more fruits and fresh vegetables for the dinner table. Snarled Rep. Greene: “Vegetables are overrated and I say we have nothing to do with fruits!”
Nebraska Governor Jim Pillen said simply that he “doesn’t believe in welfare.” When questioned on instances of “corporate welfare” in his state as well as aid to millionaire farmers, he grinned and cackled, “Ya got me!” before calling security to order the press from the executive mansion.
Bill Tope is a retired (caseworker, cook, construction worker, nude model for art classes, and so on) who lives with his mean little cat Baby.
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The most inappropriate songs that anyone could play at a funeral (18 GIFs)
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At the risk of sounding clinically insane, I actually want to play an “inappropriate” song at my funeral. The song I’ve had in mind for the last couple of years now is called “Next Time Might Be Your Time” by Gene Tyranny. I think it’s a beautiful song, and it’s a nice way to make people paranoid about which funeral they’ll be attending next.
As we go through these options, I’ll be linking to each song (assuming it’s available via YouTube links):
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Jacob
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