TAMPA, Fla. — Preparations got underway for a Krewe about to join in on the biggest pirate party in Tampa Bay.
What You Need To Know
There are more than pirates in Gasparilla: there are Rough Riders, Fire Fighters and Gypsies
The Krewe of Zingaro celebrated their 25th anniversary
The Krewe is 50 to 60 gypsies strong, doing charitable work throughout the year
Most of the Krewe walk alongside their float — an old school bus painted purple and fitted with bathrooms and keg coolers
The Gasparilla Parade of Pirates kicks off on Saturday, Jan. 28.
“We are putting some beads on the float,” said James Raulerson, a gypsy with the Krewe of Zingaro.
The Tampa Bay native knows these plastic trinkets will be vied for like real, precious jewels.
“Everybody wants beads,” said Raulerson, smiling. He and his Krewe are ready.
They ride on a mostly purple float. They call her ‘Barney.’
“It’s our gypsy wagon, an old school bus,” Raulerson said.
Restrooms are a must for a float crawling down the 4.5 mile parade route and so is room to throw beads, though most of his crew walks.
And of course, there’s a cabinet to store adult beverages.
“And here,” Raulerson said, pointing to a cooler sitting just below three taps, “We have a keg, which is nice.”
With the float loaded, Raulerson checks for safety and design.
Raulerson noted any ripping fringe or missing lights. The float will get all its superficial design repairs once it’s off the highway and into the staging area. The Krewe will be closer to the end of the parade in spot #111.
The floats, dignitaries, community leaders, dancers, bands and community organizations will be stretched down Bayshore Boulevard starting at Bay-to-Bay Boulevard, lined up stretching toward Gandy Boulevard.
Raulerson devotes time and energy to the group’s charities throughout the year, and Gasparilla is a chance to not only celebrate, but also bring a lot of cheering joy for a tiny, inexpensive souvenir.
“You’re giving beads to people, but they’re so happy. It’s great you’re bringing happiness to people. You never know,” Raulerson said about the people they’re throwing beads to. “That person might be having a horrible week at work or something, and they come out to Gasparilla and get to have fun. It might just change your whole attitude. So that’s the fun part.”
TAMPA, Fla. — It’s the height of Gasparilla season with huge crowds screaming for beads and throws as pirates ignite cannons for massive explosion excitement.
What You Need To Know
Historical documents disprove Jose Gaspar story, capture
Gulf currents and shallow depths in Tampa Bay add further doubt to massive marauders doing battle in Tampa Bay
There is documentation of Gulf Coast pirates in Gasparilla’s alleged era- but no record of him
Tampans have embraced Gasparilla for more than a century, whether or not the pirate Jose Gaspar ever came to town
It’s a huge juxtaposition from the quiet of the Touchton Map Library at the Tampa Bay History Center conference room, where Director Dr. Rodney Kite-Powell quietly carries the knowledge that it’s pretty much all a story.
The study of the records relating to Gasparilla, along with maps from 1700s Florida and beyond, point to a reality without Jose Gaspar.
“The possibility of pirates being here is just very unlikely because there was nothing to steal,” said Kite-Powell.
While there are records of piracy on the gulf coast of Florida, activity happened in south Florida and the east coast, not here.
And not with Jose Gaspar.
“I’m from here. I grew up with this. I’ve heard about the Jose Gaspar legend since I can remember,” said Kite-Powell.
But the center’s Treasure Seeker gallery further separates fact from fiction.
“You can learn about all the different things the real pirates in Florida were looking for and what they did,” said Kite-Powell.
Of course, pirates were always looking for treasure on their captured ships, and the gallery has fine gold chains and gold ingots, but they took everything on board.
“Everything is worth something at sea,” said Kite-Powell. “Whether it’s something to eat. Or it’s a map that will tell you where something better is.”
Textiles and tobacco were valuable, and pewter plates and drink storage vessels had practical use. Back in the library, Kite-Powell says he’s made peace with the myth and the reality of Jose Gaspar.
“Gasparilla’s been around for 119 years now. So it has become a celebration. So whether he existed, which he probably didn’t, has become less relevant to me over the years,” said Kite-Powell, smiling.
If you are looking for more history on Gasparilla, you can check out the exhibition “Gasparilla: A Tampa Tradition” at the Henry B. Plant Museum at the University of Tampa.
They hold more of Tampa’s Gasparilla secrets, from ball gowns to feathered hats to Ye Mystic Krewe of Gasparilla artifacts. Their exhibition is open until March 5.
Yesterday, the news dropped that Rick and Morty co-creator Justin Roiland had not only been dropped from the hit TV show by Adult Swim, but also that he was resigning from High on Life studio Squanch Games, which he co-founded. This all comes as Roiland faces two felony domestic abuse charges from 2020. Instead of leaving Adult Swim high and dry as it faces the challenge of carrying on Rick and Morty without the man who voiced a great many of its characters, a sizeable chunk of fans took it upon themselves to submit mock audition tapes for the now-vacant roles of Rick Sanchez and Morty Smith.
Prior to the shitstorm of Justin Roiland news revelations, Roiland voiced a multitude of voices in Rick and Morty and in last year’s Game Pass hit, High on Life. Back in 2018, while Rick and Morty was in its third season, Adult Swim forged a long-term deal with creators Dan Harmon and Roiland for 70 additional new episodes of the adult animated series, according to Deadline. Following yesterday’s news, The Hollywood Reporter has said that Roiland’s voice roles will be re-cast and Dan Harmon will remain the sole showrunner through season 10.
Like the old adage of uncertainty breeding opportunity, Rick and Morty fans are throwing their hat in the ring by submitting audition tapes for its titular characters. Unlike the “Get Schwifty” episode of Rick and Morty (fuck me for remembering that), candidates by and large aren’t taking the auditions seriously, which is honestly pretty on brand for Roiland’s vocal performances. Here are a couple of standout performances that would make Cromulon nod in approval.
Now that I’ve sent my editor an email for financial compensation for the emotional damage writing this article has dealt me, I’d like to earmark two alternative solutions for Rick and Morty’s “lack of a lotta voiced roles” situation.
Twitter user Shinimomi suggested Rick and Morty take a page out of the prolific comedy anime series Pop Team Epic’s book by having random celebrities voice characters every episode. That way Adult Swim can keep things fresh by having a pool of notable actors (preferably those who aren’t alleged sex pests) rotate throughout the show’s next “100 Years.”
Holiday Matsuri is one of the coolest cosplay shows on the North American calendar. Taking place in Florida in December, the location means that instead of shivering inside a convention centre somewhere freezing their asses off, attendees are instead free to hit the pool, and the timing means we get to see a bunch of neat holiday-themed takes on costumes.
The 2019 edition (which we covered in early 2020) was one of the last before the pandemic hit, and while the event returned in 2021 it wasn’t until the most recent show that things really got back in their stride.
In this gallery you’ll find both a music video and collection of photos of the 2022 event, all taken by Mineralblu. Each cosplayer’s social media, character and series details are watermarked on the image.
THIS IS SWIMSUIT COMIC CON HOLIDAY MATSURI 2022 HOLMAT COSPLAY MUSIC VIDEO VLOG ANIME EXPO FLORIDA
Big arms big arms big arms. Image: Sony / Naughty Dog /Kotaku
We’re only one episode deep into HBO’s live-action adaptation of The Last of Us and fans think they’ve discovered the actor who’ll play Abby.
In a recent tweet, The Last of Us News, a community-run TLoU fan account, uploaded a screenshot of the game creator, Neil Druckmann, following actor Shannon Berry on Instagram. Of course, Druckmann’s following of The Wilds actor could just be his way of pulling a Hideo Kojima by showing interest in actors who star in shows that are similar to his own works.
But give the internet an inch and they’ll take a mile because Twitter has been buzzing about how perfect Berry’s casting would be for Abby, especially when you consider how closely her face resembles the former Firefly and surprise co-star of The Last of Us Part II. It probably also doesn’t help that Berry’s followed Druckmann back on Insta, but that’s show business baby!
“Hey, she’s 22. Bella Ramsey is 19. Their age difference is spot on for Ellie and Abby,” one Twitter user wrote.
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“God, I hope it happens. She’s the perfect Abby,” wrote another.
“Whoever gets the role I really hope they don’t get the abuse Laura Bailey did!! Neither Laura or whoever gets the role for the series deserves it!” another observed.
“Becoming a Shannon Berry Abby Anderson truther as we speak,” wrote one Twitter user, who went the extra mile by making a Kpop-style fancam video of the actor after someone’s suggestion that Florence Pugh would be a good Abby.
Should Abby appear in TLoU (prestige TV edition), “Abby Anderson truthers” think the show should save her appearance for the final episode of the season, so as to create a neat throughline between the original game’s ending and its sequel.
Since The Last of Us premiered on the streamer, fans and critics alike have heralded the HBO show as the one that’s finally broken the terrible video game adaptation curse. While I think the show knocked it out of the park with its 80-minute pilot episode, I can’t help but notice the pop culture zeitgeist’s tendency to haphazardly regurgitate that accolade whenever a new video game adaptation that isn’t dog water comes out.
The ‘95 Mortal Kombat movie (which is good, don’t @ me), Paramount Pictures’ Sonic films, and Netflix’s Castlevania, League of Legends, and Cyberpunk 2077 shows have all rightfully received the same praise for their overall quality and respect for source material. But much like how Disney keeps having new “first LGBTQ characters,” gamers always tout the latest video game adaptation hotness as finally having “broken the curse” despite us having gone through this whole song and dance like five times over the past two years or so. I suppose recency bias is a bitch.
Regardless, we’ll have to wait and see whether the internet’s admittedly parasocial stalking of Druckmann’s Insta follows results in Berry’s casting as Abby. But right now let’s just appreciate how yoked out Abby is.
The artificially intelligent chatbot ChatGPT has recently taken the internet by storm, with both praise and concern for its capability to mimic human writing. The Onion tells you everything you need to know about ChatGPT.
Q: What is machine learning? A: A process by which machines use data-driven models to undermine some previously functional aspect of human life.
Q: Who made ChatGPT? A: OpenAI, a research laboratory established by some of Silicon Valley’s most forward-thinking bots.
Q: How does ChatGPT work? A: It smokes a fat joint and just lets the words flow, man.
Q: How realistic are ChatGPT’s responses? A: Very realistic. Just like most people, it doesn’t really care what you say and is focused on accomplishing its own thing.
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Q: Is ChatGPT going to take my job? A: Even AI doesn’t want your job.
Q: Can students use ChatGPT to write their essays? A: Yes, ChatGPT has no problem reproducing the error-ridden dreck typical of the American student.
Q: How does it sound so convincingly human online? A: It helps that humans have been gradually sounding less human since the arrival of the internet.
Q: Will this put writers out of work? A: Writers were out of work long before this.
Q: How will it improve human life? A: It will free up tedious hours spent building critical thinking skills and fostering human relationships for more rewarding activities like streaming shows and buying things.
Q: Will The Onion ever use ChatGPT to produce its award-winning journalism? A: RUNTIME ERROR. REBOOT STACK.
The 2022 edition of the LACC went down at the Los Angeles Convention Center between December 2-4. Why are we only posting it now? I’ve been on vacation, give me a break!
It’s comfortably one of the biggest nerd shows on the calendar; last year’s event drew over 126,000 people through the gates over those three days, and because a huge number of them were cosplayers, the video and pics you’re about to see are of the highest order.
As usual everything was shot by our friend Mineralblu, and as usual you’ll find each cosplayer’s character, series and social media details watermarked on the image. You can see some video highlights below, or click through for a gallery of some of our favourite photos.
THIS IS LOS ANGELES COMIC CON LACC 2022 MASHUP BEST COSPLAY MUSIC VIDEO BEST COSTUMES ANIME EXPO CMV
Hundreds of Amtrak passengers in South Carolina were stranded on a train for 29 hours after a detour due to another train derailing, prompting several to call the police out of fear they were being held hostage. What do you think?
“I always pay the extra money for the panic room sleeper car.”
I’m seeing double. Must be the work of an enemy Stand.Image: Epic Games / David Production / Shueisha / Netflix / Kotaku
Recently, Fortnite has become a wacky and eclectic ensemble of the best anime characters of all time with its Dragon Ball Z, Naruto, and My Hero Academia crossovers. However, some fans are calling out the battle royale’s latestoriginal skin for not being so original at all, but rather what they see as an egregious JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure knockoff.
Yesterday, the official Fortnite Twitter account made a post about its newest character skin, Hana. Hana sports a fashionably short chartreuse hairstyle while wearing a blue suit with an exposed midriff and matching chartreuse patterns. Hana’s also got a ghoul-like “inner demon” outfit named Keleritas. If you’ve watched the Netflix anime JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure: Stone Ocean, you wouldn’t be remiss in thinking I just wrote a word-for-word description of its titular character Jolyne Cujoh and her ghost-like Stand, Stone Free.
For those without JJBA brain rot, Jolyne Cujoh is the main character of JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure’s sixth part, Stone Ocean. Jolyne utilizes a magical ghost-like being called a stand to assist her in battles. Stone Ocean recently finished streaming on Netflix last month, though the show was poorly promoted online by the streaming service.
While some fans were more charitable than others when calling out Fortnite’s new character on Twitter for her uncanny resemblance to Jolyne, editing the character into the “Is That A MF JoJo’s Reference” meme and making requests for a future Fortnite x JJBA crossover, others saw it as a blatant rip-off.
LOS ANGELES—As awards season arrives and critics take note of the film’s problematic whitewashed casting, the Golden Globe–nominated Elvis faced increased scrutiny this week for casting Austin Butler in the role of the iconic Black singer. “Using a white actor to portray a world-renowned African American who single-handedly revolutionized pop music is regrettable, to say the least,” critic Ibrahim Lawrence wrote in the Los Angeles Times, suggesting that actors of color had little hope of succeeding in today’s film industry if producers couldn’t even bring themselves to give a Black man the starring role in a musical biopic about Elvis Presley. “And it’s so unnecessary. Why not cast Jonathan Majors? LaKeith Stanfield? Even Michael Ealy could’ve knocked it out of the park, but once again, Hollywood has chosen to engage in historical erasure to fit a white-centric ideal, in this case an Elvis who would be palatable to a larger demographic. Hearing classics like ‘Baby Let’s Play House,’ ‘Hound Dog,’ and ‘In The Ghetto’ coming out of a white man’s lips is nothing short of jarring.” Though his decision to take the part has been condemned in most quarters, many critics have nonetheless praised Butler for his refusal to wear blackface in his depiction of Presley.
If you’re into Rick and Morty-style humor and enjoy a good first-person shooter with some unique guns, High on Life is a damn good time. While High on Life is a fairly easy game to fire up and jump into—made even easier by the fact that it’s on Game Pass right now—there are a few things to keep in mind while romping around through space, blasting evil alien cartel members to dust.
The latest from studio Squanch Games, High on Life is available now on Xbox One, Xbox X and S, and PC. With the mind and voice of Justin Roiland fully on display, High on Life contains much of what many love (or hate) about shows like Rick and Morty. Despite a few glaring bugs and some jokes that don’t know when to stop, it’s a fun shooter that doesn’t take itself too seriously, which is a great change of pace for the genre.
Pick your poison: This is a good time while under the influence
Yes, yes, I know. It’s the game everyone jokes about getting stoned before playing, but honestly, it’s pretty good advice.
High on Life contains a certain brand of humor that comes across well while you’re in an altered state of consciousness. More than that, it’s a visual and auditory treat only heightened by substances that make colors and sounds pop. High on Life is very vibrant, with many great textures, making it splendid for moments where you just want to melt into a colorful, bouncy, wise-cracking trip.
The humor may not be for everyone, but if you love getting blasted and having a fun time with a video game, there are few games that hit this spot right now while quite High on Life.
It’s a camera. For your car. The Ring Car Cam’s dual-facing HD cameras capture activity in and around your car in HD detail.
Turn the music up!
This soundtrack kicks ass. There’s some twisted, fucked up synth shit that is just a damn joy to listen to. Electronic musician Tobacco produced the music for High on Life, and it fits the mood and feel of the game so damn well.
The default music volume setting, however, is way too low. I cranked it up all the way during my playthrough and it was a delight for the ears the whole way through, though you might find you’ll want to flip the subtitles on if you do. If you’re not into the humor or find the gameplay to be too generic, do yourself a favor and check out the soundtrack at least. It really is great.
The game needs a content warning
It’s 2023, and it’s about time we expect more from devs when it comes to giving us a heads up about the content in their games. High on Life got a ton of laughs out of me, while other jokes felt rather tasteless. I wish the game would’ve given a bit of a heads up about certain topics.
High on Life contains a good chunk of drug and substance abuse references. It also makes some jokes about self-harm. The very absurd and fictional plot also talks liberally about the enslavement of various alien species.
Many who are familiar with Rick and Morty likely knew what to expect going into High on Life, but with an informative content warning (which, hey, wouldn’t that be a cool standard for Game Pass games or something?), it could help set the table so you could be in the mood for weapons that beg you to turn them on yourself.
Gif: Squanch Games / Kotaku
Keep an eye out for Knifey’s zipline and grapple prompt
I’m not sure how a game that makes as many video game jokes as High on Life delivered a 16-hour campaign where you zip around on rails without making a single BioShock Infinite joke (and if it did, I certainly missed it). There are an awful amount of opportunities for you to zip around the map like you’re out to save some weird girl haunted by her strange pet bird thing.
That said, it can be a little tricky to spot when and where you can do this. The HUD is helpful in indicating where a rail or climbable spot is, but it can be deceptive. While a circular icon will hover over a usable zip line, you can’t actually grab on until you see the actual button prompt (E on keyboard, LB on controller) in the circle.
Learning to spot this indicator will help you zoom around maps even faster.
Always be swappin’Gif: Squanch Games / Kotaku
Screw reloading, cycle your weapons
Once I had all four main Gatlians, High on Life began to feel a lot like the Resistance shooters on PS3. If you liked those games, at least in concept, then you know the value of juggling weapons constantly. As I mentioned in my guide for beating Nipulon, cycling your weapons when they’re out of ammo is a better use of your time than reloading them, especially since all the Gatlians reload themselves while you have another one equipped.
I like to start each round of combat by aiming a Gatlian’s trickhole shot (this also gives you a quick window of bullet time to line up your aim), firing it off, and then emptying its magazine into enemies before swapping to the next gun and repeating the same process. Master this and you’ll almost never stop outputting damage. It’s a lot of fun.
If you’re stoned out of your mind, consider Story Mode. But Normal and Hunter aren’t too much of a challenge
As I said above, High on Life is just a good game to tune in and zone out too. The story is silly and not really that serious beyond a handful of delicate topics; and the gameplay has more depth than you’d assume. But the best part is that it prioritizes fun in a way that shooters sometimes forget to.
It can be a pretty passive shooter if you want it to be. If you’re just looking for a chill time with some goofy aliens who make you laugh, flip it on story mode.
But for those of us who like a bit of a challenge in a first-person shooter, you probably should just jump to the hardest difficulty. I almost finished my first full playthrough on this, but the Skrendel Bros. proved a difficulty spike I couldn’t get along with—at least in the state my poor brain was in. As a result, I played the remainder of the campaign after that fight in Normal mode.
You can hit Gus’ disc to keep it moving
J.B. Smoove’s character, Gus, is your shotgun and disc launcher. That disc will ricochet around the room, causing a bad time for anyone in its way. But blink and you’ll miss the melee prompt on it when it moves near you.
Keep an eye out for the button prompt to smack the disc with Knifey to get more use out of Gus’ trickhole shot.
Zip around like it’s Halo 5, minus fighting the same boss three damn times.Gif: Squanch Games / Kotaku
At its height, High on Life is like a Ratchet and Clank and Halo 5 space brownie
That last mention may make you close this tab. Don’t! One of the coolest aspects of High on Life is the movement abilities plus the versatile guns. With the ability to jet pack and hover in the air, it reminds me of Halo 5’s advanced but underpraised movement techniques. The versatile weapons, as mentioned, remind me of Insomniac’s Resistance or Ratchet and Clank. Maybe there’s a dash of Bulletstorm somewhere in there, too.
At the higher difficulties, you’re going to want to make the most out of that movement. Prepare to dash liberally; and once you can zoom around and hover with the jet pack, you’ll find it’s essential for staying alive.
Sadly, by the time the whole ensemble comes together, the game starts to wind down its campaign. While it lasts, though, it’s a ton of fun. So if you like experimental shooters, definitely give this one a spin.
Don’t miss the upgrades in the pawn shop
I mean, I can’t imagine why you’d have a hard time spotting tiny details in a game like this, but you should keep an eye out for the Gatlian upgrades and mods you can get at the pawn shop in Blim City.
It took nearly the entire game for me to realize you could buy these…don’t be like me. Screenshot: Squanch Games / Kotaku
Each of the rectangular cardboard boxes behind the shelves have unique upgrades that enhance the abilities of your guns, giving them larger magazines or augmenting their trickhole shots as a few examples.
There are also some upgrades for your bounty hunter suit, including one that lets you zoom around when sliding like you’re playing Vanquish. How can you not use this?
Don’t forget to go back and explore previous areas
High on Life is a bit of a metroidvania kinda jam. Early on, you’ll spot items and locations that you can’t get to quite yet. As you progress through the story, you’ll unlock new movement abilities that’ll let you explore a bit more. Keep an eye out for this stuff and don’t forget to go back!
Learn to follow the waypoints
Given the altered state you may or may not be in while playing High on Life, you might be prone to getting lost. By hitting the ping button, you can highlight a waypoint. If you’re lost in a blur of colors for whatever reason, the waypoint will guide you to where you need to go, but it can be a easy to miss.
High on Life’s waypoints move through different “checkpoints.” Once you follow it to a certain point, you’ll see it turn into a check before moving to highlight an area further along. If you’re lost in any of the game’s trippy environments, just follow those markers until it begins to make more sense.
Listen to all the dialogue and take in all of the comedy
High on Life is a comedy game, one where taking in the ambience of absurdity is as much the point as firing silly, talking guns. Don’t rush through the game, and take opportunities to observe the weird and wacky things around you.
Like an RPG where you should probably talk to every NPC you see, you should take the time to listen to all the humor Squanch Games packed in here. Characters will say some wild things, and you’ll participate in some genuinely funny and uncertain moments that are sometimes as surprising as they are humorous.
Some folks out there are even beginning to discover that the various dialogue options you get in the game do lead to some different outcomes for NPCs. So don’t rush. Immerse yourself in the absurdity of this game.
Who knows? You might even find it a little cathartic given how absurd our world is anyway.
Health experts have raised the alarm about the fast-spreading coronavirus variant XBB1.5, which could drive a new surge of cases. The Onion tells you everything you need to know about covid XBB1.5.
Q: How does XBB1.5 differ from earlier variants? A: It has a mutation allowing it to make deeper, longer-lasting connections with human cells.
Q: Where is XBB1.5 spreading? A: Through your body, currently.
Q: Are scientists worried about it? A: Yes, except for astronomers, who view life in a grander sense and don’t concern themselves with the mere trifles of man.
Q: Why should I be concerned about the spread of XBB1.5? A: It might negatively impact the final box office of Avatar: The Way Of Water.
Q: Is this variant more harmful than previous ones? A: It can be dangerous to vulnerable people, but thankfully many of them are already dead.
Q: Which country should our patriots hold responsible? A: This one started in the United States, so probably China.
Q: What effects will XBB1.5 have when combined with the flu and the surge of RSV? A: Experts are predicting a golden age of elderly deaths.
Q: How can I protect myself? A: Whatever you’re already doing should work or not work just fine.
BOISE, ID—Tugging on the leash with a groan while walking his easily distracted dog, local man Kenneth Granger announced Monday that he would be the judge of what warranted sniffing. “Come on, no, you do not need to smell that fence again,” said a visibly annoyed Granger, noting that he found nothing particularly interesting about the partially dilapidated chain-link fence that he and his dog, Bandit, passed more than six times a day on average, and that to him only smelled like metal. “I thought I taught you to be a little more discerning, but until then, I’ll be the judge of what is and is not deserving of an extra whiff. A normal tree? Yeah, right, buddy, we have those in the yard—no need to waste another five seconds on this one. Oh, back to the fire hydrant—way to lean into stereotypes. Look, if I were you, I would go see what’s up with that single abandoned glove over there. Maybe it doesn’t smell as fascinating as a plain old signpost, but at least it’s something new.” At press time, Granger was seen nodding encouragingly as Bandit buried his snout in a stranger’s crotch.
Too many innocent people to count have died at the hands of devout Swifties, hell-bent on revenge. For your own safety, never say these things to a Taylor Swift fan.
2 / 23
“Her negligence led to a massive ground beef recall.”
“Her negligence led to a massive ground beef recall.”
Unless you have a death wish, we would avoid blaming Taylor for any nationwide E. coli outbreaks.
3 / 23
“We have no idea where Taylor Swift was the morning of April 19th, 1995.”
“We have no idea where Taylor Swift was the morning of April 19th, 1995.”
Sure, we’ve been told that Timothy McVeigh and Terry Nichols had no help blowing up the FBI headquarters in Oklahoma City, but Taylor’s lack of an alibi can’t be ignored.
4 / 23
“I don’t care if you got tickets, young lady. You’re not going out on a school night.”
“I don’t care if you got tickets, young lady. You’re not going out on a school night.”
Mom, come on!
5 / 23
“She doesn’t even design her own album art.”
“She doesn’t even design her own album art.”
Taylor’s fans hate being confronted with the fact that her Photoshop and Illustrator skills are mediocre at best.
6 / 23
“Her Capital One ads are uninspired.”
“Her Capital One ads are uninspired.”
This is very insulting because all Taylor Swift fans watch these commercials on a loop for several hours each day.
7 / 23
“Every musician has their strengths and weaknesses.”
“Every musician has their strengths and weaknesses.”
Eat shit and die, how about that?
8 / 23
“I loved her ‘Piano Man’ era.”
“I loved her ‘Piano Man’ era.”
This is a common mistake, but that’s actually Billy Joel.
9 / 23
“The Ticketmaster/LiveNation merger was extremely problematic long before you saw fit to take notice.”
“The Ticketmaster/LiveNation merger was extremely problematic long before you saw fit to take notice.”
Look, an antitrust ally is an antitrust ally, regardless of how they got there, okay?
10 / 23
“My favorite folklore is ‘Botan Dōrō.’”
“My favorite folklore is ‘Botan Dōrō.’”
No offense to the Japanese people, but this haunting parable about loving a ghost has nothing on the song “cardigan.”
11 / 23
“I know that her nice girl image is fake because she regularly eggs my house.”
“I know that her nice girl image is fake because she regularly eggs my house.”
No need to ruin the façade for them too.
12 / 23
“She can only summon lightning when it’s stormy out.”
“She can only summon lightning when it’s stormy out.”
Taylor can and will strike you dead by lightning on a sunny day just for saying that.
13 / 23
“More people are deserving of the Nobel Prize in physics.”
“More people are deserving of the Nobel Prize in physics.”
I guess you haven’t read her research as the lead scientist of the Large Hadron Collider at CERN.
14 / 23
“I’ve written more songs about John Mayer.”
“I’ve written more songs about John Mayer.”
That’s just a weird thing to brag about.
“She can’t dance!”
Well, neither could Martin Luther King Jr., but we still listen to all his bops.
16 / 23
“Taylor Swift is just a stage name. Her real name is Ogbert McCarthy.”
“Taylor Swift is just a stage name. Her real name is Ogbert McCarthy.”
Don’t be mean, there’s no need to spoil her mystique.
17 / 23
“Midnights is good but it’s no Der Ring des Nibelungen.”
“Midnights is good but it’s no Der Ring des Nibelungen.”
While it’s fair to say that Midnights doesn’t hold a candle to Wagner’s 15-hour epic opera, it’s not nice to remind people about that.
18 / 23
“She’s just for teen girls.”
“She’s just for teen girls.”
No, she was just for teen girls, but now those teen girls are 30 and have developed an appetite for revenge.
“The dubstep icon?”
Swifties have worked hard to forget Taylor’s brief electronic dance music phase back in the aughts.
20 / 23
“I work for Ticketmaster.”
“I work for Ticketmaster.”
You really shouldn’t tell anybody that.
21 / 23
“I’m really only into K-Pop”
“I’m really only into K-Pop”
It’s just a matter of time before she dominates that genre as well.
22 / 23
“She’s going to die someday, just like everyone else.”
“She’s going to die someday, just like everyone else.”
No, you’ll die someday. And according to the posts on Taylor Swift message boards, that day is today.
