Tag: horoscopes

ARIES (March 21-April 19): In 2015, a large earthquake struck Nepal, registering 7.8 on the Richter scale. It was so powerful, it shrunk Mt. Everest. I mention this, Aries, because I suspect you will generate good fortune in the coming months whenever you try to shrink metaphorical mountains. Luckily, you won’t need to resort to anything as forceful and ferocious as a massive earthquake. In fact, I think your best efforts will be persistent, incremental, and gradual. If you haven’t gotten started yet, do so now.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): We don’t know the astrological sign of Egyptian Queen Cleopatra, who ruled from 51 to 30 BCE. But might she have been a Taurus? What other tribe of the zodiac would indulge in the extravagance of bathing in donkey milk? Her staff kept a herd of 700 donkeys for this regimen. Before you dismiss the habit as weird, please understand that it wasn’t uncommon in ancient times. Why? Modern science has shown that donkey milk has anti-aging, anti-bacterial, and anti-inflammatory qualities. And as astrologers know, many of you Tauruses are drawn to luxurious and healing influences that also enhance beauty. I recommend you cultivate such influences with extra verve in the coming days.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): In two trillion galaxies stretched out across 93 billion light years, new stars are constantly being born. Their birth process happens in stellar nurseries, where dense clouds of gas coalesce into giant spheres of light and heat powered by the process of nuclear fusion. If you don’t mind me engaging in a bit of hyperbole, I believe that you Geminis are now immersed in a small-scale, metaphorical version of a stellar nursery. I have high hopes for the magnificence you will beget in the coming months.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): The planet Mars usually stays in your sign for less than two months every two years. But the pattern will be different in the coming months. Mars will abide in Cancer from September 5 to November 4 and then again from January 27 till April 19 in 2025. The last time the red planet made such an extended visit was in 2007 and 2008, and before that in 1992 and 1993. So what does it mean? In the least desirable scenario, you will wander aimlessly, distracted by trivial battles and unable to decide which dreams to pursue. In the best scenario, you will be blessed with a sustained, fiery devotion to your best and most beautiful ambitions.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Famous rock musicians have on occasion spiced up their live shows by destroying their instruments on stage. Kurt Cobain of the band Nirvana smashed many guitars. So did Jimi Hendrix, who even set his guitars on fire. I can admire the symbolic statement of not being overly attached to objects one loves. But I don’t recommend that approach to you in the coming weeks. On the contrary, I believe this is a time for you to express extra care for the tools, machines, and apparatus that give you so much. Polish them up, get repairs done, show them you love them. And if you need new gizmos and gear to enhance your self-expression, get them in the near future.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): In all of world history, which author has sold the most books? The answer is Agatha Christie, born under the sign of Virgo. Readers have bought over 2 billion copies of her 70-plus books. I present her as a worthy role model for you during the next nine months. In my astrological opinion, this will be your time to shine, to excel, to reach new heights of accomplishment. Along with Christie, I invite you to draw encouragement and inspiration from four other Virgo writers who have flourished: 1. Stephen King, 400 million in sales from 77 books. 2. Kyotaro Nishimura, 200 million in sales from over 400 books. 3. Leo Tolstoy, 413 million from 48 books. 4. Paul Coelho, 350 million from 28 books.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Centuries before the story of Jesus Christ’s resurrection, there was a Greek myth with similar themes. It featured Persephone, a divine person who descended into the realm of the dead but ultimately returned in a transfigured form. The ancient Festival of Eleusis, observed every September, honored Persephone’s down-going and redemption — as well as the cyclical flow of decay and renewal in every human life. In accordance with astrological omens, I invite you to observe your own version of a Festival of Eleusis by taking an inventory: What is disintegrating and decomposing in your own world? What is ripe for regeneration and rejuvenation? What fun action can you do that resembles a resurrection?

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): The coming weeks will be an excellent time to take inventory of your community and your network of connections. Here are questions to ask yourself as you evaluate whether you already have exactly what you need or else may need to make adjustments. 1. Are you linked with an array of people who stimulate and support you? 2. Can you draw freely on influences that further your goals and help you feel at home in the world? 3. Do you bestow favors on those you would like to receive favors from? 4. Do you belong to groups or institutions that share your ideals and give you power you can’t access alone?

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): “Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.” Sagittarian humorist James Thurber said that, and now I’m conveying it to you. Why? Well, I am very happy about the progress you’ve been making recently — the blooming and expanding and learning you have been enjoying. But I’m guessing you would now benefit from a period of refining what you have gained. Rather than even more progress, I feel you need to consolidate and integrate the progress you have so robustly earned.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): The people of Northern Ireland have over 70 colorful slang terms for being drunk. These include splootered, stonkied, squiffy, cabbaged, stinkered, ballbagged, wingdinged, bluttered, and wanked. I am begging you, Capricorn, to refrain from those states for at least two weeks. According to my reading of the omens, it’s important for you to avoid the thrills and ills of alcohol. I am completely in favor of you pursuing natural highs, however. I would love you to get your mind blown and your heart opened through epiphanies and raptures that take you to the frontiers of consciousness.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Beginning 11,000 years ago, humans began to breed the fig. It’s the world’s oldest cultivated food, preceding even wheat, barley, and legumes. Many scholars think that the fig, not the apple, was the forbidden fruit that God warned Adam and Eve not to munch in the famous Biblical passage. These days, though, figs rarely make the list of the fruits people love most. Their taste is regarded by some as weird, even cloying. But for our purposes, I will favorably quote the serpent in the Garden of Eden: “When you eat the fig, your eyes will be opened and you will be like God.” This is my elaborate way of telling you that now may be an excellent time to sample a forbidden fruit. Also: A serpent may have wise counsel for you.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): The coming weeks would be an excellent time to file lawsuits against everyone who has ever wronged you, hurt you, ignored you, misunderstood you, tried to change you into something you’re not, and failed to give you what you deserve. I recommend you sue each of them for $10 million. The astrological omens suggest you now have the power to finally get compensated for the stupidity and malice you have had to endure. JUST KIDDING! I lied. The truth is, now is a great time to feel intense gratitude for everyone who has supported you, encouraged you, and appreciated you for who you really are. I also suggest you communicate your thanks to as many of your personal helpers and heroes as you can.

Homework: What are you afraid or too timid to ask for? I dare you to ask for it.

ARIES (March 21-April 19): Although there are over 7,000 varieties of apples, your grocery store probably offers no more than 15. But you shouldn’t feel deprived. Having 15 alternatives is magnificent. In fact, most of us do better in dealing with a modicum of choices rather than an extravagant abundance. This is true not just about apples but also about most things. I mention this, Aries, because now is an excellent time to pare down your options in regard to all your resources and influences. You will function best if you’re not overwhelmed with possibilities. You will thrive as you experiment with the principle that less is more.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Taurus comedian Jerry Seinfeld, now 70 years old, has testified, “As a child, the only clear thought I had was ‘get candy.’” I encourage you to be equally single-minded in the near future, Taurus. Not necessarily about candy — but about goodies that appeal to your inner child as well as your inner teenager and inner adult. You are authorized by cosmic forces to go in quest of experiences that tickle your bliss.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): I’m not saying I would refuse to hire a Gemini person to house sit while I’m on vacation. You folks probably wouldn’t let my houseplants die, allow raccoons to sneak in and steal food, or leave piles of unwashed dishes in the sink. On the other hand, I’m not entirely confident you would take impeccable care of my home in every little way. But wait! Everything I just said does not apply to you now. My analysis of the omens suggests you will have a high aptitude for the domestic arts in the coming weeks. You will be more likely than usual to take good care of my home — and your own home, too. It’s a good time to redecorate and freshen up the vibe.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): These days, you are even smarter and more perceptive than usual. The deep intelligence of your higher self is pouring into your conscious awareness with extra intensity. That’s a good thing, right? Yes, mostly. But there may be a downside: You could be hyper-aware of people whose thinking is mediocre and whose discernment is substandard. That could be frustrating, though it also puts you in a good position to correct mistakes those people make. As you wield the healing power of your wisdom, heed these words from Johann Wolfgang von Goethe: “Misunderstandings and lethargy produce more wrong in the world than deceit and malice do.”

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart had an older sister, born under the sign of Leo. Her nickname was Nannerl. During their childhoods, she was as much a musical prodigy as he. Supervised by their father, they toured Europe performing together, playing harpsichord and piano. Nannerl periodically got top billing, and some critics regarded her as the superior talent. But misfortune struck when her parents decided it was unseemly for her, as a female, to continue her development as a genius. She was forcibly retired so she could learn the arts of housekeeping and prepare for marriage and children. Your assignment in the coming months, Leo, is to rebel against any influence that tempts you to tamp down your gifts and specialties. Assert your sovereignty. Identify what you do best, and do it more and better than you ever have before.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): When an infant giraffe leaves its mother’s womb, it falls six feet to the ground. I suspect that when you are reborn sometime soon, Virgo, a milder and more genial jolt will occur. It may even be quite rousing and inspirational — not rudely bumpy at all. By the way, the plunge of the baby giraffe snaps its umbilical cord and stimulates the creature to take its initial breaths — getting it ready to begin its life journey. I suspect your genial jolt will bring comparable benefits.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Many people living in the Napo province of Ecuador enjoy eating a dish called ukuy, which is a Kichwa word for large ants. This is not an exotic meal for them. They may cook the ukuy or simply eat the creatures alive. If you travel to Napo anytime soon, Libra, I urge you to sample the ukuy. According to my reading of the astrological omens, such an experiment is in alignment with the kinds of experiences you Libras should be seeking: outside your usual habits, beyond your typical expectations, and in amused rebellion against your customary way of doing things.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): The theory of karma suggests that all our actions, good and bad and in-between, send ripples out into the world. These ripples eventually circle back to us, ensuring we experience events that mirror our original actions. If we lie and cheat, we will be lied to and cheated on. If we give generously and speak kindly about other people, we will be the recipient of generosity and kind words. I bring this up, Scorpio, because I believe you will soon harvest a slew of good karma that you have set in motion through your generosity and kindness. It may sometimes seem as if you’re getting more benevolence than you deserve, but in my estimation, it’s all well-earned.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): I encourage you to buy yourself fun presents that give you a feisty boost. Why? Because I want you to bring an innovative, starting-fresh spirit into the ripening projects you are working on. Your attitude and approach could become too serious unless you infuse them with the spunky energy of an excitable kid. Gift suggestions: new music that makes you feel wild; new jewelry or clothes that make you feel daring; new tools that raise your confidence; and new information that stirs your creativity.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): On a Tuesday in August in 2012 — one full Jupiter cycle ago — a Capricorn friend of mine called in sick to his job as a marketing specialist. He never returned. Instead, after enjoying a week off to relax, he began working to become a dance instructor. After six months, he was teaching novice students. Three years later, he was proficient enough to teach advanced students, and five years later, he was an expert. I am not advising you, Capricorn, to quit your job and launch your own quixotic quest for supremely gratifying work. But if you were ever going to start taking small steps towards that goal, now would be a good time. It’s also a favorable phase to improve the way your current job works for you.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Three years ago, an Indonesian man celebrated his marriage to a rice cooker, which is a kitchen accessory. Khoirul Anam wore his finest clothes while his new spouse donned a white veil. In photos posted on social media, the happy couple are shown hugging and kissing. Now might also be a favorable time for you to wed your fortunes more closely with a valuable resource — though there’s no need to perform literal nuptials. What material thing helps bring out the best in you? If there is no such thing, now would be a good time to get it.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): For many years, I didn’t earn enough money to pay taxes. I was indigent. Fortunately, social programs provided me with food and some medical care. In recent years, though, I have had a better cash flow. I regularly send the U.S. government a share of my income. I wish they would spend all my tax contributions to help people in need. Alas, just 42% of my taxes pay for acts of kindness to my fellow humans, while 24% goes to funding the biggest military machine on Earth. Maybe someday, there will be an option to allocate my tax donations exactly as I want. In this spirit, Pisces, I invite you to take inventory of the gifts and blessings you dole out. Now is a good time to correct any dubious priorities. Take steps to ensure that your generosity is going where it’s most needed and appreciated. What kind of giving makes you feel best?

Homework: What supposedly forbidden thing do you want that maybe isn’t so forbidden?

ARIES (March 21-April 19): Aries singer-songwriter Lady Gaga has written many songs, both for herself and other artists. She has famously declared that some of her most successful songs took her just 10 minutes to compose. They include “Just Dance,” “Poker Face,” and “Born This Way.” According to my interpretation of the astrological omens, you could be rising to Lady Gaga levels of creativity in your own sphere during the coming weeks. And I won’t be surprised if your imaginative innovations flow with expeditious clarity, like Gaga at her most efficient.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): During the winter, some animals hibernate. They enter a state of dormancy, slowing their metabolism, breathing, and heart rate. Other animals enter a similar state during the summer, conserving energy when the weather is hot and dry. It’s called estivation. According to my analysis of the astrological omens, many of you Tauruses would benefit from a modified version of estivation in the next couple of weeks. You’re in prime time to recharge your energy through deep relaxation and rest.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): The English word “amphibian” is derived from the Greek term amphibios, which means “living a double life.” The original meaning of the English word was “combining two qualities; having two modes of life,” though eventually it came to be used primarily to describe animals that function well on both land and in water. You Geminis are of course the most amphibious of all the astrological tribes. You can feel at home in a variety of situations. This may sometimes stir up confusion, but I see it as one of your greatest potential strengths. In the coming weeks, I hope you enjoy it to the maximum. It should serve you well. Wield it to take advantage of the sweet perks of versatility.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): I dreamed that a young elephant appeared on the back deck of my house and stuck its trunk through the open sliding glass door. I got up from my chair and gently pushed the animal away, then closed the door. But after I woke up, I was sorry I had done that in my dream. What was I afraid of? The elephant posed no danger — and may have been a good omen. In some cultures, elephants in dreams and visions are symbols of good luck, vitality, long life, and the removal of obstacles. So here’s what I did. I dropped into a deep meditative state and reimagined the dream. This time, I welcomed the creature into my home. I gave her the name Beatrice. We wrestled playfully and had fun playing with a red rubber ball. Amazingly, later that day, a certain obstacle in my actual waking life magically disappeared. The moral of the story, my fellow Cancerian: Welcome the elephant.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Some bamboo species grow very quickly — as much as 36 inches per day. I suspect your capacity to burgeon and blossom will display a similar vigor in the coming weeks. You may be surprised at how dramatic your development is. I’m hoping, of course, that you will be acutely focused on channeling your fertility in positive ways. Don’t feed an urge to recklessly gamble, for instance. Don’t pursue connections with influences that are no damn good for you. Instead, decide right now what areas of your life you want to be the beneficiaries of your growth spurt. Choose the beauty and power you will encourage to ripen.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): For months, we heard and saw crows pecking on the roof of our rental house. Why? Were they grubbing for food? It was mildly annoying, but seemingly no big deal. Then one night, their small, regular acts of mayhem climaxed in an unexpected event. Rain began to fall around 8 p.m. It was constant, though not heavy. At 9, the ceilings in five rooms began to leak. By 10:30, our house was flooded. We managed to rescue most of our precious items, but the house was damaged. We had to find a new place to live. I don’t expect anything nearly this drastic to befall you, dear Virgo. But I do encourage you to check to see if any small problem is gradually growing bigger. Now is a favorable time to intervene and forestall an unfavorable development.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Two Scottish veterinarians researched the health of rhesus monkeys that are compelled by human handlers to dance on the streets of Islamabad, Pakistan. When I first learned about this, my response was, “Wow! Don’t those doctors have anything better to do? That is the most obscure research I have ever heard of.” But later, I decided I admired the doctors because they were motivated primarily by compassion. They found the monkeys were under severe stress, and they publicized the fact as a public service. Their work will ultimately lead to better treatment of the monkeys. In accordance with astrological omens, Libra, I advise you to seek out comparable ways to express altruism in the coming weeks. By engaging in noble and idealistic acts, you will attract good fortune into your sphere both for yourself and others.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Do you place any limits on how deep and expansive you allow your yearnings to be? Are you ever worried that maybe you desire too much and are at risk of asking for too much? If you answered yes to those questions, Scorpio, I will give you a temporary license to rebel against your wariness. In accordance with astrological rhythms, I authorize you to experiment with feeling the biggest, strongest, wildest longings you have ever felt. Please note that I am not advising you to immediately go out and actually express those longings to the hilt. For now, I’d like you to simply have the experience of entertaining their full intensity. This will be a healing experience.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): You will never guess the identity of the strongest animal on the planet. It’s not the gorilla, tiger, or elephant. It’s the dung beetle, which can lug loads that weigh 1,141 times as much as it does. The equivalent for you would be to pull six double-decker buses crammed with people. I’m happy to inform you that although you won’t be able to accomplish that feat in the coming weeks, your emotional and spiritual strength will be formidable. You may be surprised at how robust and mighty you are. What do you plan to do with all that power?

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): By age 35, you have already shed over 50 pounds of skin. The flesh that covers you is in a constant state of renewal. In the coming weeks, I expect your rate of regeneration to be even higher than usual — not only in regard to your skin, but everything else in your life, as well. Here’s a proviso: Renewal and regeneration are always preceded by withering or dwindling. To enjoy the thrill of revitalization, you must allow the loss of what was once vital but is no longer.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Among people who go hiking a lot, “death march” is a term that refers to a long trudge through boring scenery in bad weather. Let’s use this as a metaphor for your life. I believe you have recently finished your own metaphorical version of a “death march.” Any minute now, you will begin a far more enjoyable series of experiences. Get ready for an entertaining meander through interesting terrains in fine weather. Be alert for unpredictable encounters with inspiration and education.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Alex Larenty gives massages to lions at the Lion Park near Johannesburg, South Africa. They especially love foot rubs. Even Jamu, king of the local beasts, rolls onto his back so Larenty can get a good angle while caressing and kneading his paws. I bring this to your attention, Pisces, because it’s a good metaphor for the unique power you will have in the coming days: a knack for dealing successfully with wild influences and elemental powers through the magic of kindness, affection, and service.