Tag: Heidi Vegh

Dear Widow, it’s Okay to Let Yourself Love Again

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Losing a spouse is the most stressful event in a woman’s life, with divorce and moving trailing close behind.

A widow does not just experience the loss of her husband but also her way of life. She may lose friends, financial security, companionship, parental support, sexual intimacy, plans for the future, etc. The list is long and devastating. Essentially, a widow is forced to rebuild a life from scratch.

She is often faced with deep personal reflection and is journeying to find a new way of life. When a widow comes to a place in her grief where she may be able to open her heart to someone new, she is often faced with scrutiny and judgment from those around her.

When my husband passed, I felt like I was living in a fishbowl as everyone around me watched my grief and was on the edge of their seats, waiting for my next move. Will she start dating? How long will it take for her to move on?

There is one thing for sure. A widow never gets over her late spouse. She will heal and begin to envision a life without him, but that does not mean she stops loving him.

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When I started dating, I faced many judgments from those who didn’t understand that I could open my heart to someone new but still love my late spouse. I often liken it to having a second child. You don’t push out your first child to make room for another. Your heart simply expands to make room for another baby in your life. It is the same with a widow getting remarried. She can place her late spouse in a different space in her heart. This takes time, intentionality, and many tears, but it is possible.

I prayed for the hearts of those around me to expand and accept the changes in my life, even as it made them wildly uncomfortable.

I had to intentionally let my late husband sit in a different space. After a decade, he is safely in my heart as my best friend and the father of my children. I no longer think of him romantically, and that is okay. I have been remarried for nearly nine years, and we have had to walk down many rough roads.

My new husband has learned to be patient with my unpredictable emotions when anniversaries roll around. He has had to process a lot within himself as a second husband and allow space for my late spouse to reside in our home in a small way.

When I remarried, I had two small boys. They were crushed when they lost their daddy but were excited to welcome a new man. Their little hearts hurt then, and they still do now, but we have healed miraculously. I understand that it can be more complex if you have older children, as getting remarried may be less well received. This may take more time to be accepted, and the guilt may take over, but if the Lord is leading a widow, He will support her.

If you know a widow and are struggling with her life choices, give her grace. She is only trying to rebuild a life that was shattered. She is not aiming to harm anyone or cause more heartache; she is simply trying to live.

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Dear Widow,

I am sorry for your loss. Losing a spouse guts you to the core and threatens everything you ever thought about life and everything you ever thought about yourself.

When you are ready to find love again, you may experience deep guilt. You may feel like you are cheating on your husband and breaking your vows. Those are all normal feelings. Embrace them, accept them as usual, and push through them. Ignore the judgment coming from all the voices around you. Your choice to get remarried is between you, God, your new spouse, and no one else.

Lift us your desire to be married again to Jesus and follow Him in His leading.

Biblically, it is a good thing for a widow to remarry. We read in 1 Timothy 5:14, “So I counsel younger widows to marry, to have children, to manage their homes and to give the enemy no opportunity for slander.” When your husband passes, you have fulfilled your vows until death do you part. You are free to love love again and free to marry again. Take a deep breath and rest in this truth.

God has a special place in his heart for you as a widow and is profoundly concerned for you.

God is “a father of the fatherless, a defender of widows…in his holy habitation.” (Psalm 68:5) Jesus cared for his widowed mother and condemned those who exploited widows.

Getting remarried after the death of a spouse can be complex and challenging. You will be bringing grief into a new marriage. There will be situations that arise that are difficult for your new spouse, especially on anniversary days or when a memory triggers you.

But it is all okay. It is possible to walk the narrow roads of remarriage with Jesus. He will be with you to help you navigate the rough waters and use them to bring you and your new spouse closer together.

Remember to keep God in the center of your marriage. Allow space for grief and memories to live in your home. Talk about your spouse, especially if your children lost a father. Expect to face guilt for loving again, but know that no matter how you lost your spouse or whether or not he gave you a blessing to love again, you are in a blessed space when you choose to walk down the aisle again.

It’s all okay. God knows the inner workings of your heart and your grief and will help you every step of the way.

It may seem unfair that you have to deal with the world watching you and making you feel guilty about your decisions, but that is, unfortunately, the life of a widow. God is keenly aware of the intricacies and hears your prayers for help. I pray blessings over you, sweet Widow. It is brave to love again. It is courageous to open up your heart.

“Draw near to Jesus, and He will draw near to you.” James 4:8

Related Content:

9 Things to Know about a Widow’s Grief

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Heidi Vegh is a writer, speaker, and ministry leader living in Gig Harbor, WA. She is a remarried mother of four, navigating the blended family life after the loss of her first husband to cancer in 2013. She longs to use her writing as a way to encourage others who have experienced loss and guide them on the road to healing. She contributes to her blog found at www.mrsheidivegh.com , sharing stories and devotionals of faith stemming from her loss and healing, mothering, and her blended and complex family. She graduated from Southern New Hampshire University with a degree in Creative Writing and English and is working on her first book. Heidi is the Women’s Ministry Director at Gig Harbor Foursquare and has a deep heart for sharing Jesus with women and encouraging them in their faith walk. When she is not writing she loves to travel, read, craft, and experiment in the kitchen. Visit her Facebook and Instagram (@mrsheidivegh) to learn more.

Related podcast:

The views and opinions expressed in this podcast are those of the speakers and do not necessarily reflect the views or positions of Salem Web Network and Salem Media Group.

Related video:

If you are currently grieving, here are five prayers for your grieving heart.

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Heidi Vegh

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October 4, 2023
4 Ways Pornography Damages a Marriage

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Marriage is a sacred covenant created by God. He created men and women to be committed in their marriage until death do they part. This is not something to be taken lightly. We must be intentional daily to create a thriving marriage that glorifies God.

Being a committed spouse means that we don’t allow our hearts, minds, or bodies to venture outside of the covenant that we have made.

The Bible says in Hebrews 13:4 that marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.

Unfortunately, these laws are disregarded at every turn in our current culture. The world wants us to believe we can create our truth about marriage. But God created marriage laws to protect us. He desires for us to have thriving, committed marriages that reflect Him, which means fidelity and solid commitment to each other.

Being in a committed marriage is becoming more and more difficult with the amount of pornography that is on display in multiple aspects. Billboards, movies, TV shows, magazines, and of course, the internet. The enemy is having a hay day with the number of inappropriate images infiltrating our minds.

This can make it especially difficult to avoid the draw of pornography addiction. It is presented as normal and innocent when in reality, it is destroying lives and destroying families.

Pornography addiction is an epidemic in our country. The damaging effects on marriages are devastating and harmful.

Here are 4 ways that pornography damages a marriage:

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Heidi Vegh

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June 1, 2023
How to Have a Meaningful Quiet Time Together in Your Marriage

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What is quiet time? It is a designated time set apart from your busy day to connect with God. It can include many different elements of prayer, reading the Word, scripture meditation, or reading a devotional. It is important to remember that we are not only spending time with God so that He can hear from us but allowing space for stillness to listen to God. This is a huge element of having a relationship with the Lord.

If you are married, it is important to have quiet time alone with God and also to set aside time as a couple to hear from the Lord.

Marriage is hard. Marriage with children, jobs, responsibilities, and all the other things is even harder. Setting aside quiet time together is crucial to secure a solid foundation for our marriage and family. Not just time to be alone but time to pray and read God’s Word.

The enemy will target marriages, having them believe lies that quiet time together is not necessary or that there just isn’t time.

Making quiet time together a priority won’t only strengthen your marriage but also your family. Reading and praying together will soften your hearts toward one another and give you the strength and grace to deal with conflict.

It can be challenging to balance family life and set aside time together, but if you are intentional about it, it is more than possible. Once you start to see the benefits of spending time together in the stillness of the Lord, you will begin to crave this time together and feel the void when you don’t.

Set Aside a Designated Time

This can be the most challenging part. When you have a million other things going on in your home, how can you set aside 15-30 minutes without distraction?

Your family is unique, and there is not a one size fits all solution to this. It may look different from day to day and week to week. Begin praying separately about what God wants this to look like for you in your marriage and family life.

This may mean waking up ten minutes before the chaos begins to hold hands in prayer for the day. It may mean turning off the TV after the kids are asleep and pulling out a Bible reading plan or a study to work through together. We often can find things that we can eliminate in our lives to make space for God.

It may even mean getting a babysitter once a week so you can spend thirty minutes at a local coffee shop going over a book of the Bible.

Whatever time you have available and wherever you can conjure up a bit of time alone, use it wisely. Ask the Lord to bless your time, and He will, no matter when or how it happens. Just start, and God will bless you for that.

Pick Your Resource

Nothing is more frustrating than wanting to study God’s Word but having no idea where to start. Numerous resources are out there to get you started, which can be overwhelming. Even if it is simply reading the Bible through a year or planning what book you will go through, that is a good place to start.

However, do not overwhelm yourselves; you can start with one book of the Bible. You can read several passages together in several different translations to pull out different meanings. Let the Lord lead you in this time; you may find something unique just for the two of you.

MOST IMPORTANT: Don’t forget to PRAY before you begin and ask the Lord to speak to you.

In Hebrews 4:12, we read, “For the Word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.”

Although there are valuable resources to help us navigate the Bible and to learn from God, His Word needs to be the foundation of our study.

If you want to jump into a resource, here are a few simple ones to get you started:

You Version APP

Click here.

This Bible app has hundreds of reading plans that you can incorporate into your quiet time. There are plans for marriage, family, parenting, you name it. This is a simple and fun way to get into the Word.

Bible ReCap

Click here.

This is a valuable resource for reading through the entire Bible chronologically. You can read 2-3 chapters daily and then listen to a 5-8 minute podcast explaining what you just read. This will spur much deep conversation and help you both understand the Word of God better.

Daily Grace Co.

Click here.

This is a company that specializes in Biblical study and resources. They have workbooks on many topics that help you navigate through a book of the Bible or a certain topic. They always offer discounts and sales, so this is an easy way to connect in the short time you can be together.

Pray

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One of the most valuable ways to spend quiet time together is to pray. Perhaps, keep a prayer journal where you write down everything that needs prayer. You can record how God came through for your family and see God’s faithfulness show up time and time again. This will strengthen your faith and build trust in your spouse.

When you pray, be sure to pray for and thank God for each other. When my husband and I were in premarital counseling, our Pastor suggested that we pray for and thank God for each other every night before we went to sleep. We have held this tradition for over eight years now. Of course, it is not always consistent or perfect, but we have seen God work miracles in our lives because of this prayer time.

When we audibly hear our spouse thank God for us and what we do for the family, it builds trust and confidence in our marriage and our spouse. It brings you closer together as you can tether onto a direct connection to God with your spouse. This truly is what it means to be one flesh, as the Word says.

Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. Genesis 2:24

Again, don’t be overwhelmed by the notion of needing to add one more thing to your already very full plate. God knows where you and your spouse are and exactly what you are capable of. This doesn’t mean He won’t stretch you or ask new things from you, but you can rest assured that God has a specific plan for your marriage and how He wants to enter into your union.

Just simply start by lifting the idea of a quiet time to the Lord and watch Him work powerfully in your marriage.

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Heidi Vegh is a writer, speaker, and ministry leader living in Gig Harbor, WA. She is a remarried mother of four, navigating the blended family life after the loss of her first husband to cancer in 2013. She longs to use her writing as a way to encourage others who have experienced loss and guide them on the road to healing. She contributes to her blog found at thebreathingmama.com, sharing stories and devotionals of faith stemming from her loss and healing, mothering, and her blended and complex family. She graduated from Southern New Hampshire University with a degree in Creative Writing and English and is working on her first book. Heidi is the Women’s Ministry Director at Gig Harbor Foursquare and has a deep heart for sharing Jesus with women and encouraging them in their faith walk. When she is not writing she loves to travel, read, craft, and experiment in the kitchen. Visit her Facebook and Instagram (@mrsheidivegh) to learn more.

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Heidi Vegh

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April 12, 2023
4 Biblical Purposes of Premarital Counseling

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When God created marriage, He had one thing in mind. To create a human union that reflected how He loves the church (His people). He designed the beautiful relationship to reflect His perfect love. We want to step into marriage with a biblical and God-honoring foundation.

He desires that the relationship be fueled by each spouse putting the other first and encouraging them in their purposes for the Lord.

We, as humans, can’t love perfectly; we need all the help we can get. That is why participation in premarital counseling can be so life-giving for your future marriage. Before we get married, there are many things to consider.

Related: 6 Things to discuss before saying I DO!

We need to dig deep into the lives of our betrothed and get to the bottom of important issues. We want all things brought to light to avoid trouble in the future. As we prepare to walk down the aisle, one of the most beneficial things we can do is get premarital counseling.

So what is premarital counseling, you ask?

Premarital counseling is a type of counseling or therapy that helps couples get to a healthy place before they say I do. They have an opportunity to discuss important topics and to get their expectations aligned. You can hire a professional counselor specializing in premarital, or your pastor will most likely offer his services before officiating your wedding. Christian counseling or meeting with your pastor would be most beneficial as you can incorporate your faith and relationships with God in the process, learning how to put Him in the center of marriage. This can help sustain the relationship when issues do arise.

God empowers us with truths from His Word that give us guidance and direction when it comes to marriage. He equipped us with basic and solid truths that we can stand firm on when we enter marriage. Christian premarital counseling can help us pull out these truths and give us practical ways to apply them to our lives.

4 Biblical Purposes for Premarital Counseling

1. Understanding Marriage Commitment

If a man vows a vow to the Lord or swears an oath to bind himself by a pledge, he shall not break his word. He shall do according to all that proceeds out of his mouth. Numbers 30:2

In our modern world, too often, people enter into marriage not fully understanding their lifelong commitment. When the engagement ring has been placed on the girl’s finger, the focus is often on planning the wedding and all that it entails. The wedding preparation can be all-consuming, leaving little room for preparing for what life will look like after the celebration ends. God has a lot to say about what he desires for marriage. When we spend time with a counselor truly understanding the commitment, it can put our heads in the right space so that we are not bombarded when the honeymoon ends. We want to truly understand what we are getting into as much as possible, so that when conflict and issues arise, we have the commitment needed to withstand marriage’s difficulties.

2. Improve Communication and Conflict Resolution Skills

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A hot-tempered person stirs up conflict, but the one who is patient calms a quarrel. Proverbs 15:18

Everyone is brought up in a different home, with different families and different ways of communicating with each other. It is often the case that each person has been modeled in different ways of navigating their communication skills growing up. Understanding these aspects of childhood can be extremely beneficial before the walk down the aisle. It is impossible to know everything, but talking about how you desire to communicate and learning how your future spouse expresses his feelings and thoughts will only serve you well in your marriage. A counselor can help you understand yourself and your future spouse.

Conflict is inevitable in marriage. You will disagree, and you will fight. This is normal and healthy. You want to be in a marriage that provides a safe space to express emotion and issues openly. Talking about your conflict resolution skills with premarital counseling can smooth out issues before they arise. This doesn’t mean you will always sail in and out of the conflict in your marriage. However, entering the marriage with a rich understanding of how you each resolve or avoid conflict can give you a head start in your marriage relationship.

3. Setting Realistic Expectations

For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence, for my hope is from him. Psalm 62:5

The world tells us that marriage was created to make us happy and bring us all the fulfillment we need. This could not be further from the truth. Although God longs for us to find joy in our marriage and our spouse, this can not be why we get married. Too many marriages fail, and the reason is often “he/she didn’t make me happy.” That is quite a lofty expectation to put on another person. One person should not have to carry that responsibility, especially a spouse. Even on our best days, it is impossible to be perfect, and we will most likely disappoint our spouse at some point in the marriage. This happens often. When we seek out premarital counseling and discuss the expectations of the marriage, it can even the playing field so that we are not left shell-shocked when we realize that our person is not perfect. They make mistakes and can even make us unhappy. When we gain a good perspective on navigating disappointment, we won’t be tempted to take the world’s advice and walk away when things get hard. You will learn how to stick it out and have grace and forgiveness for your spouse.

4. Opportunity to Get Things Out in the Light

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Take no part in the unfruitful works of darkness, but instead expose them. For it is shameful even to speak of the things that they do in secret. Ephesians 5:11-12

No one likes to talk about their past relationships with their future spouse. It can be uncomfortable and awkward. However, disclosing your past in the safe space of premarital counseling can relieve any mystery regarding your person’s past. There do not need to be details or even names, but revealing each person that you have had a serious or sexual relationship with will help you get to know each other better and give you opportunities to clear the air. Praying for a release from any soul ties with other people can give you a clean slate as you start your marriage. You can enter the marriage knowing that you know everything and won’t have any questions later. If, in the future, people from the past get brought up, or you have a chance encounter, you will not be taken off guard or left feeling like there were any secrets. You can have complete confidence that there are no hidden things regarding your past.

Use this time to expose any addictions or hidden sin you need to work on. This can be a vulnerable place to be in, but it is better to get it out in the open before you are married and allow your spouse to work through any issues they have.

Secret sin will kill a marriage. It will give the enemy a foothold in your marriage and create distance, resentment, and unhealthy conflict. Bring all things into the light, as awkward and uncomfortable as it may be. Working with premarital counseling to talk about these awkward issues can expose past sin and bring it to light so that it does not have a hold on your marriage before it even starts.

Do your future marriage a favor and get started on premarital counseling. It is possible to have a healthy, life-giving, and God-honoring marriage, even amongst life’s biggest issues. When you get started on the right foot with everything out in the open, you will have the best chance of a beautiful and fulfilling marriage.

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Heidi Vegh is a writer, speaker, and ministry leader living in Gig Harbor, WA. She is a remarried mother of four, navigating the blended family life after the loss of her first husband to cancer in 2013. She longs to use her writing as a way to encourage others who have experienced loss and guide them on the road to healing. She contributes to her blog found at thebreathingmama.com, sharing stories and devotionals of faith stemming from her loss and healing, mothering, and her blended and complex family. She graduated from Southern New Hampshire University with a degree in Creative Writing and English and is working on her first book. Heidi is the Women’s Ministry Director at Gig Harbor Foursquare and has a deep heart for sharing Jesus with women and encouraging them in their faith walk. When she is not writing she loves to travel, read, craft, and experiment in the kitchen. Visit her Facebook and Instagram (@mrsheidivegh) to learn more.

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Heidi Vegh

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March 29, 2023