Wow. We took Travis Kelce‘s latest comments as a sign the feud between Taylor Swift and Blake Lively was coming to an end… or maybe was never as dire as we’d all thought? But if this latest report is true, he may have made things worse?!?
OK, quick rewind! If you didn’t see, Trav and big bro Jason Kelce did a classic movie review on their New Heights podcast this week. And their fans picked 2005’s The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants for them to watch. Apparently the 92%ers are messy bitches who live for drama! LOVES IT!
But it worked! Trav was put in the spot of having to talk about Blake, who infamously has been on the outs with his fiancée lately. And he did! And as usual for the tight end, he had nothing but kind words! Jason called Blake “our friend,” and Trav gushed that she “killed it” in the movie, saying:
“I might have been a little biased, but I thought Bridget’s story was the most relatable and probably the most fun.”
“Biased”? Because she’s your “friend”?
Really feels like either we missed a chapter or he did! Right??
Well, according to an insider spilling to Rob Shuter, Blake felt just as confused as all the other listeners! In a new Naughty But Nice substack, Shuter revealed his Blake sources told him she was “blindsided” by the kind mention! One friend said:
“She was like, why now? He’s been silent for months, and suddenly he’s name-dropping her like everything’s fine. It felt manipulative.”
Blake thinks Trav is manipulative?! Wow! Everyone thinks he’s so… guileless. Right? Not the A Simple Favor actress! Another insider told Shuter:
“Travis might charm NFL fans, but Blake sees right through it.”
Damn, she really thinks he’s putting on a show for PR?? According to these sources! The friend said Blake refuses to play along:
“She doesn’t want to look petty. But she also doesn’t want to be gaslit into pretending everything’s fine.”
She thinks Trav is gaslighting her now? Damn!
It does seem like his mention of her, while ostensibly pleasant, was far from a good sign — and in fact may have done some real damage to potential reconciliation for the friends. The Blake confidant says Taylor’s silent approach, letting things cool down, was better:
“Taylor pulled back completely. Now Travis is trying to smooth it over publicly — but it’s just stirring things up again.”
Ultimately? The friend says Blake can’t take Trav’s compliments at face value. So she’s “hurt” feeling like he’s trying to pull one over on her.
We just have to wonder… If this is true, is it possible the Gossip Girl alum is just projecting a bit here? Maybe Trav is capable of just being gracious despite it all? The man does seem to get along with everyone he meets. Maybe he’s just built differently than she is, and it’s confusing?
The other really important factor to note here, though? Travis’ mustache. Yes, really. It seems a lot of folks didn’t notice Trav’s facial hair is quite a bit different in this video. And that’s because it was originally filmed way back on October 16, 2024! That’s right, this vid is a YEAR OLD! It was originally a Patreon exclusive and was only released to the rest of the world on YouTube this week.
So really, this is probably not a sign of anything! And in fact, his “friend” comments might not be manipulative in the slightest… just wildly out of date.
Learn how to identify the many types of lying and deception, including overt forms like outright fabrications and gaslighting, to subtle forms like white lies and lying by omission.
Lying is not always as clear-cut as telling a blatant falsehood. It can take many different forms, from subtle omissions to outright fabrications, each hurting our ability to understand reality, communicate effectively, and build honest relationships.
Some people try to justify certain forms of lying by claiming they didn’t technically say anything wrong, but knowing they were engaging in deception by not mentioning a key fact or framing an event in a misleading way.
This is why it’s important to recognize the many forms of deception and dishonesty. It allows us to better spot lying in our daily lives at home, work, or in the news, while also making us more honest communicators by avoiding these conveniently deceptive tactics.
Here’s a comprehensive breakdown of the many types of lying so that you can better recognize them in the future. Which do you have a hard time spotting? Which do you sometimes engage in yourself?
1. Falsehood
The most straightforward type of lying is the falsehood, where someone knowingly presents information that is entirely untrue. Falsehoods are blatant lies meant to deceive the listener by fabricating facts, events, or circumstances. “2 + 2 = 5” is a lie, no matter who says it or what day of the week it is. This form of lying is often the easiest to identify, especially when you have clear evidence that disproves it. This is what typically comes to mind when we think of a “lie.”
Example: Claiming you were at work all day when, in reality, you took the day off.
2. Lying by Omission
Lying by omission involves leaving out critical information that changes the nature of the fact. While the information provided may be true, the omission of key details results in a misleading impression. This type of lying is subtle and can be particularly insidious, as it allows the liar to maintain a facade of honesty, they may even claim they just “forgot” that one fact or didn’t think it was important to mention, knowing full well it changes the nature of their story.
Example: Telling a partner, “I went out with some friends last night,” but leaving out that you also met up with an ex during the outing.
3. Out-of-Context Lying
Out-of-context lying happens when someone presents an isolated truthful statement or quote in a way that strips it of its original meaning or intention. By removing context, the speaker can still be “technically” correct while deceiving the listener. This type of lie is frequently used in media, politics, and interpersonal conflicts to distort the truth while avoiding outright falsehoods.
Example: Quoting someone as saying, “I don’t care,” without mentioning that they were referring to a trivial matter rather than something important.
4. Starting the Story in the Middle
This type of lying involves telling a story or recounting an event but beginning at a point that omits important prior details. By starting in the middle, the liar can shift blame, change the narrative, or make themselves appear more favorable. This creates a skewed version of events that misleads the listener into forming a biased conclusion. This form of lying is particularly effective where the full story can’t be known until you get both sides’ perspectives.
Example: Describing an argument with a friend but starting with the moment they shouted at you, without mentioning that you had insulted them first.
5. Dishonest Framing
Dishonest framing involves presenting a story or situation from a deliberately biased or one-sided perspective, often emphasizing certain details or using dramatic language. This tactic is used to guide the audience toward a particular interpretation, typically one that benefits the person doing the framing. In many cases, individuals cast themselves into roles like “victim,” “savior,” or “persecutor” (see the drama triangle framework) to manipulate how others see them.
Example: After being criticized by a coworker for missing a deadline, you recount the incident to others by saying, “I’m being unfairly targeted at work for no reason,” without mentioning that you had repeatedly ignored reminders about the approaching deadline.
6. White Lies
White lies are minor, often well-intentioned, lies told to avoid hurting someone’s feelings or to prevent minor inconveniences. These lies are typically considered harmless, like telling a friend, “I like your band,” even when their music isn’t to your taste. However, while white lies may seem innocuous, they can accumulate over time, leading to bigger issues such as a pattern of dishonesty or a gradual erosion of trust. To avoid white lies, try shifting the focus to something you genuinely appreciate about the person. For example, instead of saying, “I don’t like that outfit,” you might say, “I prefer this outfit of yours.”
Example: Telling a friend you love their new outfit when you think it’s not flattering, just to spare their feelings.
7. Silence
Silence can be a form of lying when someone withholds information or refuses to speak up on important matters, especially when they know that their silence will lead others to a false conclusion. Like lying by omission, silence can be used to manipulate a situation without saying anything outright false.
Example: Knowing that a coworker is being falsely accused of a mistake but choosing not to speak up to correct the record.
8. Exaggeration
Exaggeration involves inflating or overstating the truth to make it seem more significant or severe than it really is. Common forms of exaggerated thinking include overgeneralizing (“this always happens to me!”), catastrophizing (“this is the worst thing ever!”), and jumping-to-conclusions (“I’m always right!”). Exaggeration often serves as a way to evoke sympathy, justify actions, or amplify the importance of a situation to gain attention.
Example: Saying you “had the worst day of your life” because you spilled mustard on your shirt, when in reality, it was a minor inconvenience.
9. Minimization
Minimization is the opposite of exaggeration; it involves downplaying the significance or impact of a fact, making it seem less important or harmful than it actually is. This tactic is often used to avoid responsibility, diffuse conflict, or lessen the perceived severity of an issue. By quickly glossing over key details or understating the consequences, the person minimizes the importance of the situation.
Example: Describing a car accident that resulted in significant damage as “just a little fender bender” to avoid admitting the seriousness of the incident.
10. Ambiguity
Ambiguity involves the use of vague or unclear language to avoid giving a direct answer or fully addressing the truth. This technique often includes sidestepping the main issue, providing incomplete information, or being purposefully elusive. Ambiguity allows the person to create a sense of uncertainty or misinterpretation, which they can later exploit by claiming they weren’t lying but were simply misunderstood.
Example: When asked if you completed a task, you respond with, “I’ve made some progress,” leaving the impression that you’re almost done when, in reality, you’ve barely started.
11. Misleading Statistics
People can lie with statistics too. Misleading statistics occur when data is manipulated or presented in a way that distorts the truth. This can involve cherry-picking data, using biased samples, or presenting figures without the necessary context to understand them accurately. The goal is to deceive the audience into drawing false conclusions based on the manipulated numbers.
Example: Reporting that “90% of users love our product,” without mentioning that only 10 people were surveyed.
12. Fabrication
Fabrication involves creating entirely false information, events, or details that never happened. This is similar to falsehood but often involves more elaborate story-telling and imagination. Fabrication is common among individuals who seek to impress, manipulate, or deceive others for personal gain or attention, including pathological liars who get a thrill by making up bigger and bigger lies.
Example: Inventing a fictional story about heroically stopping a robbery to impress someone on a first date.
13. Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a manipulative tactic where the liar attempts to make the victim doubt their own perceptions, memory, or sanity. This is done by consistently denying reality (“You’re just imagining things”), distorting the truth (“It didn’t happen that way”), and making the victim question their own experiences (“You’re insane” or “You’re the real liar”). Gaslighting is often part of a broader pattern of abuse and manipulation, and it can involve complex webs of lies designed to control and disorient the victim.
Example: Telling someone they’re “overreacting” or “remembering things wrong” when they confront you about an event that just happened.
Conclusion
As you can see, lying and dishonesty can take many different forms. By recognizing these various types of lying and the subtle ways in which the truth can be manipulated and distorted, we can better identify these tactics in our daily interactions — both as a speaker and a listener.
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In any relationship, it’s natural to encounter challenges and conflicts. But what happens when those conflicts turn toxic?
Gaslighting and stonewalling are not the same thing, but both can wreak havoc on a relationship. It’s crucial to understand the difference between these two behaviors so that you can decide how to react when or if they show up in your relationship.
What is gaslighting?
Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse.
Gaslighting involves manipulating someone’s perception of reality, and deliberately causing them to doubt their sanity, thoughts, feelings, and memories. This insidious form of emotional abuse can lead to self-loathing, anxiety, and doubting one’s own mental stability.
The term originates from the play Gaslight, written by Patrick Hamilton in 1938. It is a story about Bella and Jack, set in 1880 London. Playgoers realize right away that Jack is not a good guy. He flirts with staff in front of Bella, leaves the home without explanation, and is generally rude and dismissive.
As the play progresses, it turns out there is a mysterious disappearance of an opera singer (who used to live upstairs). Jack starts searching for the starlett’s jewels and acts incredulous when Bella mentions she hears footsteps above her. The plot thickens as Jack starts randomly turning their gas lamp lights on and off, and then denies it. He attempts to convince Bella she is insane.
You’ll have to see the play to learn what happens next, but the important takeaway from this story is that Jack’s behavior is deliberate and intentional. Not only does he lie to her, but he lies to her with the premeditated intention of upending her mental stability. This is what gaslighting is.
What To Do If There is Gaslighting in Your Relationship
Emotional abuse needs to be taken extremely seriously and requires immediate assessment and intervention from a licensed professional.
If you believe that your partner is consistently, deliberately trying to make you feel like you are out of touch with reality, we recommend reaching out for help. You can call 988 if you live in the United States or visit the Gottman Referral Network to find a therapist near you.
What is Stonewalling?
Unlike gaslighting, stonewalling is a maladaptive defense mechanism versus a form of emotional abuse.
Dr. John Gottman uses the term to define one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. His research indicates that stonewalling leads to relationship dissatisfaction, separation and divorce.
Stonewalling is a behavior characterized by one partner withdrawing from interaction, shutting off emotionally, and discontinuing communication.
When someone is stonewalling, to others they often appear indifferent and usually have a blank expression on their face. They might appear callous or uncaring. It can be very hurtful to look up and see what appears to be an emotionless reaction when you are talking to your partner; especially if you are being emotionally vulnerable. You might wonder if your partner is even listening or cares what you are feeling.
But stonewalling is not as it appears.
What we know from the research is that when someone is stonewalling, even though they may appear calm on the outside, internally, they are in a state of fight, flight, or freeze. Stonewalling is the freeze reaction to perceived danger. Heart-rates are well over one hundred beats per minute, accompanied by difficulty breathing, muscle tension and internal panic.
What To Do if There is Stonewalling in Your Relationship
The solution to relational stonewalling is easy in concept, but difficult to practice in everyday life.
There is only one thing to do, and that is to take a timeout.
It is emotionally dangerous to continue conversation when one or both parties are triggered. If you keep talking, you or your partner might do and say things you regret. When you take a short break, both of you can catch your breath, do some self-care, and then return to the conversation when you’re calm.
Usually one partner wants to keep talking while the other wants space. In order for a time-out to be effective, both parties need to commit to disconnecting and then reconnecting. When you learn how to do this in your relationship, you can avoid the unnecessary pain that occurs from continuing an unproductive conversation.
Next Steps
It takes time to reduce stonewalling in your relationship, but it is possible. Be patient with yourself and your partner as you work to implement this strategy. If you are the kind of couple who like worksheets and cheat sheets, you can download a free copy of chapter 7 of my workbook which includes a Time-Out Planning Exercise to help you avoid stonewalling in your relationship.
Congratulations on your commitment to relationship health and thanks for reading this article 🙂
Picture this: you’ve told your husband multiple times to fix the fridge before your friends visit you this weekend. He tells you he will do it, and yet, when the weekend arrives, he blames it all on you, saying, “You didn’t remind me about it! It’s all your fault.” Well, this is a glaring sign of psychological abuse called gaslighting, and we will help you explore 35 disturbing signs of gaslighting in a relationship, just like this one, through this article.
Apart from answering your question “What is gaslighting in a relationship?”, we will also help you with some gaslighting examples and some tried and tested tips to deal with it, in consultation with counselor Ruchi Ruuh (Postgraduate Diploma in Counseling Psychology), who specializes in counseling for issues related to dating, infidelity, marital conflict, and divorce. So, let’s dive in and explore what gaslighting meaning in relationships implies…
What Is Gaslighting In A Relationship?
So, what is gaslighting in a relationship and how does it manifest itself? Ruchi explains, “Gaslighting meaning in relationships amounts to manipulation wherein one person undermines another person’s perception of reality and makes them doubt their own thoughts, memories, and feelings, often making them feel confused. They also create a false reality. The person who’s gaslit ends up doubting themselves. Gaslighting also often causes immense psychological distress and is a form of emotional abuse. It makes the victim feel insecure.”
Interestingly, the term gaslighting originated from the 1944 movie Gaslight, in which a woman is manipulated by her husband so much that she ends up losing her mind. She begins to doubt her reality, or her own perception of whether the lights in the room are dimmed or not, as the husband keeps turning them on and off.
A study on gaslighting found that there is a significant relationship between the Dark Tetrad traits (i.e., narcissism, Machiavellian tactics, psychopathy, and sadism) and the acceptance of gaslighting in intimate relationships and that men gaslight their partners more often than women.
35 Disturbing Signs Of Gaslighting In A Relationship
Gaslighting, as we know, can lead to severe trauma in the victim’s mind and can have long-term repercussions. The victim’s self-esteem can reach rock bottom. In fact, many modern studies on gaslighting techniques have examined the “manipulation of victim’s psychological and emotional wellbeing, as well as their sense of themselves as an epistemic agent”.
Likewise, a Reddit user had this to say while talking about her experience with a gaslighting partner: “We were together for 4 years. I would build up the confidence to talk to him about problems I could see in the relationship, or if he did something I didn’t like, and we would have a full-blown yelling fight. It would start off with me talking calmly and him screaming at me, ending in so many tears.
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“He would scream at me and tell me I’m crazy and overreacting, he often used to use phrases like ‘you clearly don’t remember what happened because that’s not what happened’, ‘you’re acting like a psycho bitch’ ‘that’s all in your imagination’ so many lies and betrayal in this toxic relationship.” Given that gaslighting is so traumatic and damaging, it begs the question, how does one identify its warning signs in day-to-day behavior? To help you identify the red flags, we have listed 35 disturbing signs of gaslighting in a relationship:
1. They make you feel you’re too sensitive
Ruchi says, “Often, the gaslighting partner might make you feel like you can’t take a joke or challenge your reactions to some caustic remark by creating confusion in your mind.” In this case, they may say something demeaning and, then when you react, may retort with gaslighting phrases and statements such as:
“You can’t take a joke.”
“I was just kidding.”
“How are you so sensitive? Stop being a snowflake.”
“It’s a small mistake. Why are you making a big deal out of it?”
“Stop overreacting!”
Well, Ruchi says, “This is a prominent sign of gaslighting. If the gaslighter’s emotional abuse has caused you some distress, and you’re clearly not happy with what happened, they might use gaslighting terms and say you’re the one who’s overreacting.”
Ruchi says, “The gaslighting partner might often try to deny something ever happened at all. They might undermine the victim’s own perceptions and memory.” You may also find that your partner continues to throw gaslighting statements at you, such as:
“This never happened.”
“Were you dreaming about it?”
“You didn’t hear it right.”
“Were you hallucinating?”
Over time, this emotional abuse might cause immense distress. The gaslit partner might actually start doubting their memory.
You know you’re being gaslit when your partner denies events and conversations
4. Your sanity is questioned often
One of the 35 disturbing signs of gaslighting in a relationship is when your sanity is doubted. Ruchi says, “Often, a gaslighting spouse may attack their victim’s mental stability and perceptual set or experiences.” So, in this case, you may hear them make gaslighting statements such as:
A gaslighting spouse or partner will, with their constant emotional abuse, make you feel like an insecure person from time to time. Ruchi says, “So, whenever you have a problem with their actions or with a person they interact with, they will make you seem like the problem and use insulting gaslighting terms.” So, you may hear gaslighting phrases from them, such as:
“You’re just imagining things. I was not flirting with her.”
Ruchi says, “Gaslighting partners often accuse you of misunderstanding them and their intentions.” So, you might often hear gaslighting comments from them, such as:
“I never said that.”
“You misunderstood me.”
They might even say this right after they’ve said something offensive or damaging.
7. You’re often accused of fabricating or creating stories
One of the gaslighting examples is when you’re accused of imagining fake scenarios. Ruchi says, “When someone gaslights you, they can say you’re cooking up stories when you confront them with something that has offended or disrespected you.” So, you may end up hearing these gaslighting statements from your partner too often:
“Stop making things up.”
“Stop trying to make me feel guilty by creating fake scenarios.”
8. They say you’re suspecting too much
Have you ever been told you’re always suspicious? If you have a partner who’s using gaslighting techniques, it’s common to hear gaslighting statements from them, such as:
“You are being paranoid.”
“Chill! I’m not trying to hide anything from you.”
Ruchi says, “When you react to not being told the truth or something being hidden from you, perhaps a secret meeting with their ex or a chat with a lover, they might react by saying you’re just being paranoid.”
“You are remembering it wrong” — it’s such an innocent statement, right? But it can turn toxic when a gaslighting spouse uses it to challenge the victim’s memory. Picture this: You’ve had a conversation with your partner about them bringing the kids back from school because you have an important client call to attend on Skype. But they completely ignore their responsibility. Instead, your partner falsely accuses you of forgetting that they had said they wouldn’t be able to pick the kids up. Ruchi says, “This is how a gaslighting partner challenges your memory and your hold of your own reality.”
10. They always point out your flaws
A gaslighting person keeps reminding you of your flaws and shortcomings and may even be sarcastic about them. You will, thus, always have a feeling of not being good enough for them. This is a mind game they play to control you. A friend of mine, Anthony, once broke down over a call with me and related how he was being gaslit by his wife, Susan. He said, “She’s never happy with me. Right from the choice of my shirt to the food that I order, she finds faults with everything. I don’t know what to do.” Well, I had to break it to Anthony that he was being gaslit. This is one of the classic examples of gaslighting.
11. You’re made to feel you’re obsessed with something
So, often when you catch a gaslighting spouse doing something wrong and demand answers from them, for instance, for cheating on you or lying to you about something, they might accuse you of being fixated on the idea. You might hear gaslighting comments from them, such as:
“You’re too obsessed with this.”
“Can’t you just drop it and move on?”
Ruchi says, “Sometimes, particularly in case of infidelity, it’s hard to let go or forget about the incident, as it keeps playing on your mind. But a gaslighting partner will not make you feel heard. Instead, they’ll try to portray you as a clingy or obsessive spouse/partner.”
A gaslighting partner may accuse you of being obsessed
12. They say you’re misinterpreting things
Do these gaslighting terms and statements below sound familiar to you?
“You’re taking things the wrong way. I didn’t mean it like that.”
“You’re just taking things out of context.”
Ruchi feels, “When you’re always blamed for misinterpreting situations or conversations, rather than getting the apology you deserve for your feelings being hurt, you know for sure they’re gaslighting you.”
Ruchi says, “Gaslighters often portray themselves as people who’re honest and call a spade a spade. But mostly, that’s not the case.” They do this so that instead of taking accountability in relationships, they blame the victim for not being mature enough to handle the truth. Now, the truth can often be masked by derision or sarcasm about their partner’s looks, career choices, or dress sense.
14. You’re portrayed as cynical
“You’re always looking for problems. Can’t you just be happy?” Have you often heard those words from your partner? Well chances are, they’re gaslighting you. Ruchi feels, “Such people are hardly concerned about you but they pretend to be too positive to neglect your concerns.” So, they may:
Not want you to bring up issues in the relationship
Dismiss your feelings and thoughts, terming them ‘negative’
Have you often been told you’re trying to seek attention when all you were trying to do was tell your partner about an incident that bothered you? Ruchi says, “When you’ve expressed your need for validation, and your partner has dismissed them or belittled them, terming you an attention seeker, it can make you feel like your voice doesn’t matter. This is how you recognize gaslighting.”
If you’re with a gaslighter, they may accuse you of being an attention-seeker
16. You’re walking on eggshells
One of the 35 disturbing signs of gaslighting in a relationship is that you find yourself walking on eggshells. You’ll be anxious and scared to hurt your partner’s feelings all the time. In such cases, you might be scared to even express your thoughts and views about day-to-day activities, such as:
Asking them to plan a vacation
Telling them you need to visit your parents next weekend
The ability to be vulnerable with each other is one of the defining traits of healthy relationships. Ruchi says, “But if merely asking for some emotional security makes your partner term you an ‘irrational person’, you can rest assured they’re gaslighting you and that yours is a toxic relationship. They are trying to turn your vulnerability into a reason to make you feel bad about yourself.”
18. They call you ‘manipulative’
“You’re trying to manipulate me by making me do what you want me to.” — Have you often heard your partner say this to you for no apparent reason? Well, Ruchi says, “Gaslighters often turn the tables and accuse the victim of using them or manipulating them in relationships when they try to make them understand their needs or boundaries.”
Have you often heard your partner say things like, “You’re the problem, not me”? Well, shifting blame and refusing to take ownership of their mistakes is a classic sign of gaslighting. Ruchi says, “This is pure deflection. This is how gaslighters undermine your reality and make you responsible for their actions.”
A Reddit user shares his story of being gaslit by his spouse: “…she would misplace her own things, then yell at me for “losing” them or throwing them away – so I’d have to dig through all kinds of closets and places, only to have it be somewhere where I would have had no reason to put the item.”
20. They accuse you of being hostile
Here is one of the classic examples of gaslighting. My friend, Nancy, once related an incident that still strikes me when I think of gaslighting examples. She had a fight with her aggressive partner while attempting to address issues in her relationship.
But then she was left feeling like she was the one who was aggressive. Her partner left the room, slamming the door, but not before saying, “You’re trying to pick a fight again. I can’t talk to you when you’re so dramatic and hostile.” This is a classic case of gaslighting, where they try to escape giving explanations by pinning the blame for being hostile on you.
21. They isolate you
One of the warning signs of gaslighting in relationships (as well as that of narcissistic personality disorder) is when your partner tries to isolate you from your family, friends, and loved ones. This way, they gain power and can manipulate you further, as you will be devoid of a support system to fall back on. So, they might:
Try to brainwash you by lying to you about your close friends or family
Prevent you from meeting your loved ones
22. They call you ‘needy’
Ruchi says, “You may be genuinely looking for support during a distressing time, such as a medical emergency or an important meeting at work, and when you ask your partner for help, you may be dismissed as being too needy or an overly dependent person.” So, gaslighters might say things such as:
“You’re too needy. Stop depending on me all the time.”
“Be independent. You can’t ask me to make you happy all the time.”
“You’re making me look like a ‘bad guy’, aren’t you?” — Have you heard your partner say this to you often? Ruchi says, “You’ll often find a gaslighting partner accusing you of painting them in a bad light or portraying them as the villain in your equation.” So, one of the examples of gaslighting is when they play the victim so that they can’t be blamed for their ruthless actions.
24. They say you exaggerate things
A gaslighting partner might often make you believe that your truth isn’t really the truth. Ruchi says, “They will make you believe you’re exaggerating scenarios and that you’re the one who’s at fault for being affected by things or events.”
25. You’re told you’re ungrateful
Ruchi believes, “Everybody wants to be seen as a good person. So, if your partner tells you you’re being ungrateful, it might make you feel small.” This is another way a gaslighter attacks you. They make you feel you aren’t appreciating them and their efforts enough.
One of the examples of gaslighting is when they control you and then call you controlling. Ruchi says, “Often, when you assert your relationship boundaries and preferences, stating you would or wouldn’t do something or that they shouldn’t neglect or dismiss your needs, the gaslighting partner might quickly retort by accusing you of being too controlling.” So, they might end up saying things such as:
“You can’t make me do that.”
“How are you dictating what I should or shouldn’t do?”
27. You’re branded ‘delusional’
When a gaslighter tries to invalidate your thoughts, they might brand you ‘delusional’ to disregard your thoughts and feelings. Yes, ‘delusional’ is a heavy term and Ruchi says, “It can create a cocktail of insecurity and negativity in your mind, making you feel as if there’s something wrong with you.”
A gaslighting partner may often term you ‘delusional’
28. They term you ‘too emotional’
Now, this is a tag of emotional invalidation. Ruchi agrees, “Most people who come to me for couples therapy talk about their partners being too sensitive or emotional about daily events.” But this accusation amounts to gaslighting, because:
It brands your emotions as excessive or unwarranted
It implies you should keep mum when there are things that should be said
“You’re responsible, not me” — This is another one of the classic things gaslighters say. Ruchi says, “Diverting accountability and not taking responsibility in relationships is a classic sign of gaslighting in relationships.”
30. ‘Hot and cold’ behavior
A prominent gaslighting sign (and that of narcissistic personality disorder too) is when your partner’s behavior fluctuates. So, they might heap praises on you one day, and then criticize you the next day. Or may prioritize you above all else, and then discard you like you mean nothing to them. This is actually a carefully crafted way to keep you hooked. You will never leave them, as you will keep waiting for that occasional act of validation or positive reinforcement.
If your default response to every argument or conversation with them is “I’m sorry” or “I shouldn’t have done that”, it’s a clear indicator your partner is gaslighting you. A gaslighter’s main weapon is to make you feel bad about your actions and elicit apologies from you.
32. There’s a big mismatch between their actions and words
A gaslighter’s actions almost never match with their words. Yes, they can bluff and make grandiose claims, and yet, when it comes to keeping their promises or living up to their words, they will be found wanting.
33. They minimize your voice
Have you ever heard your partner saying the following to you?
“You make mountains out of molehills.”
“It’s not such a big deal!”
Well, accusing you of making insignificant things seem big or blowing things out of proportion is a gaslighting partner’s way of minimizing your voice and concerns. Ruchi says, “They make you look like a fool for voicing your needs or showcasing your emotions. It’s as if your needs don’t matter and you’re asking for too much.”
If you’re still wondering how to know if your partner is gaslighting you, remember, a gaslighting person may often say that you’re being a drama queen (or king), when you challenge their actions with hard evidence. So, you may hear things such as:
A typical trait of a gaslighter is that they can enslave your mind. So much so, that you may find yourself begging for their attention or acceptance because they’ve made you believe that you’re flawed and they’re doing you a favor by being with you. If you’re trying to figure out how to know if your partner is gaslighting you, pay attention to how they make you feel about yourself.
How To Respond To Gaslighting
So, now that we are acquainted with 35 disturbing signs of gaslighting in a relationship, with various gaslighting examples and phrases, aren’t you wondering how to deal with this menace? Well, we’ll take a look at how to respond to gaslighting, in this section.
Let’s first look at what a Reddit user shares about his plight of dealing with a gaslighting partner: “Every time I let one of these things pass without leaving her, I betrayed myself and weakened my own mind. Don’t get me wrong, I confronted her. I tried to talk her into acknowledging that these things didn’t make sense. I foolishly believed that there was some level at which she had to acknowledge a shared reality with me. This is not true. You can take a horse to water but you cannot make him drink. You can have a conversation with a psychopath but you cannot make them communicate.”
But is the scenario this grim? Can a gaslighting partner not be managed at all? Well, Ruchi disagrees. She feels you can respond to gaslighting in an effective manner. How? She gives us a few tips to deal with gaslighting in relationships:
Stop doubting yourself: To deal with a gaslighting partner, you must ditch self-doubt and be aware of your own reality. Ruchi feels, “You should trust your own judgment with enough self-confidence and say things like: “I know what I saw. Don’t make me doubt my sanity.” Be open about your reality and vocal about it. Avoid negative self-talk and don’t feel ashamed
Maintain a journal: Write a daily journal, keeping a written record of the daily events. Ruchi feels, “So, now, you can turn around and say, “Look, your account doesn’t match with mine, I am not imagining things.” This is not to blackmail or challenge your gaslighting partner but to clarify your own doubts when you’re challenged
Set your boundaries right: It’s crucial to set boundaries in every relationship, and even more so in abusive relationships. Ruchi advises, “Try and set strict boundaries and be able to say things like, “I won’t tolerate being manipulated like this” or “I have this evidence this is not true”. Be mindful of your own needs and avoid any emotional response
Seek support from a trusted network: Be surrounded by supportive people, be it a therapist, family members, a support group, or friends. Ruchi says, “You should have a trusted network that offers you support and validation. These are people who should know you or your reality, are not always challenging you, and are able to show you that you are being manipulated. Spending time with them will also offer some much-needed mental relief.”
Take a break: It’s advisable to step back and take a break when you’re constantly fearing conflict with your gaslighting partner. Ruchi says, “When you’ve had a heated argument and are not able to think clearly, take a break and gather your thoughts. Clear out the conversations in your head and get some time to think about how to respond to your gaslighting partner with ease. Focus on self-care and remember, your mental health is your responsibility.”
Educate yourself: The more you know about gaslighting in relationships, the more you’ll be able to counter it. Ruchi suggests, “Get some professional help, talk to a therapist, watch videos, and read books on this psychological manipulation tactic, and remember that you’re not alone.”
Key Pointers
What is gaslighting in a relationship? Gaslighting is when someone tries to manipulate you by invalidating or negating your reality
The 35 disturbing signs of gaslighting in a relationship included blame-shifting, isolating you, calling you needy, and accusing you of being overly sensitive
Some ways to deal with gaslighting are ditching self-doubt, setting boundaries, maintaining a written record, and educating yourself about gaslighting
Through this article, we have tried to help you recognize 35 disturbing signs of gaslighting in a relationship. Gaslighting is a dangerous game of control and manipulation and almost always ends with the gaslit person losing their sanity and sense of self-esteem. But with the tips stated in our article, you will be able to manage a gaslighting spouse effectively.
Remember, emotional abuse of any form, be it through gaslighting or not, can cause long-term mental health issues and can also escalate to domestic abuse. If you feel making amends with a gaslighting partner is not worth it, irrespective of your level of emotional investment, feel free to disengage. After all, you only live once. So, stop making excuses, value your self-worth, and remember, you’re the only person who can help yourself out of this mess.
FAQs
1. How do I identify a gaslighter?
A gaslighter will show many signs, such as invalidating your emotions, isolating you from friends and family, and making you seem needy and overly sensitive.
2. How do you outsmart a gaslighter?
You need to keep track of events and gather hard evidence to challenge them when they try to make you doubt your sanity. You also need to set healthy boundaries.
Do you ever find yourself questioning your own sanity because of your partner? Does it feel like somehow you’re always wrong and they never make mistakes? Well, this might be a sign you’re a victim of gaslighting. That’s why we encourage you to take the short 8-question “Am I Being Gaslighted Quiz,” crafted by Dhriti Bhavsar, a counselling psychologist with expertise in mental and emotional well-being. This quiz is for everyone—whether you’re dealing with manipulative actions and emotional struggles a lot or just a little.
Gaslighting is like a psychological trick. The person doing it uses different tactics to make you doubt yourself. They might deny things, make your concerns seem unimportant, or blame you for everything. It happens slowly, and you might not realise it until it’s too late.
The impact of gaslighting is serious emotional abuse. It’s all about the other person wanting control. By making you doubt yourself, they take power over you. This emotional abuse can lead to feeling really anxious, sad, and unsure about yourself. Emotionally, gaslighting is like walking on eggshells. You always feel like you’re doing something wrong. The constant criticism makes you question every thought and action, chipping away at your confidence, and making you feel alone and powerless.
This is why it is essential to find the courage to ask, “Am I being gaslighted?” Identify if you are being manipulated and put an end to it. Make sure you have some time and privacy so you can reflect and answer the questions honestly. Don’t hesitate to break free from this manipulative behaviors and cycle of abuse
One of the challenging behaviors we are seeing in couples therapy is gaslighting. While it has become a cliche term, this set of behaviors is becoming more common in couples therapy.
According to Dr. Dana McNeil, PsyD, LMFT, CGT the gaslighter implies that you misunderstood what they said versus taking responsibility or showing any remorse for their bad behavior. There is an implication that their partner is overreacting. McNeil sees these types of gaslighting behaviors in her San Diego practice:
Negative body language and minimizing statements about the other person’s perspective or feelings
Unwillingness to accept any part of the responsibility for a misunderstanding or conflict
Intentional implication that the other person has fabricated a situation in order to create doubt or challenge the other person’s reality
Cutting off the other person, not allowing them to make points or ask questions during a disagreement
No acknowledgment of partner’s hurt feelings when expressed, lack of empathy
The partner of the gaslighter may experience self doubt and internalize that they didn’t work hard enough in the relationship. As a result they might feel guilty bringing up issues in the relationship.
How does it show up in therapy?
Here are some examples of what you might hear in session:
“You’re making things up.”
“That never happened.“
“You’re being dramatic.“
“You’re blowing things out of proportion.“
“I am sorry you feel that way.”
McNeil says that the gaslighter often times exhibits these behaviors because they:
Have low self-esteem and don’t know how to deal with it.
Have low capacity to sit with their own emotions.
Want to “fix” their partner’s feelings and don’t know how, so they minimize to avoid feeling like a failure.
Feel out of control in the relationship and wants to gain power in maladaptive ways.
Have difficulty in accepting influence from their partner due to discomfort with vulnerability.
How to decrease gaslighting behaviors
Usually by the time the couple seeks out therapy, one partner is seriously questioning their ability to be a good partner. It is important to validate the experience of the partner who has been manipulated and help them understand the pattern of behaviors. Work with them towards understanding what is in their control versus taking responsibility for all of the relationship problems.
It is important as the therapist that you assume the best and maintain a positive perspective of the partner who is gaslighting. You will need to help them gain perspective about their behavior and how it is impacting the relationship. The behaviors are keeping them from getting their needs met which might be counterintuitive to them at first.
Gottman Interventions to use in session:
Introduce the idea of a subjective reality and coach each partner to describe theirs (remind them that this isn’t about agreeing with their partner’s perspective).
Teach them to validate their partner’s experience and feelings.
Redirect partners to use “I” statements.
Use the antidotes for defensiveness and criticism (softened start up and taking responsibility, respectively).
Do some psychoeducation on softened start up where you ask partners to name their emotion and ask for their needs even if the other partner is unable to do it.
Gaslighting is a challenging behavior for a couples therapist to deal with. However, with the right tools and structure these dynamics can be changed for the better.
Opinions expressed by Entrepreneur contributors are their own.
The term gaslighting has become much more common in our discourse over the past several years. The word has become so commonly used that Merriam-Webster ranked it as the word of the year for 2022, with search activity increasing at a rate of 1,740%.
Merriam-Webster defines gaslighting as the “psychological manipulation of a person usually over an extended period of time that causes the victim to question the validity of their thoughts, perception of reality or memories.” The term gaslighting is commonly used in political speech, often to criticize a politician or political committee’s messaging. But it’s increasingly used in daily life, especially in the workplace. However, it’s often misused.
Jan. 20, 2023 – Preslee Marshall, a 25-year-old resident of Canada, began having severe electric shock-like sensations shooting throughout her body. It started happening once a week, then progressed to once a day, then multiple times a day, she says. Worried, Marshall, who co-manages a public relations agency, consulted a neurologist.
“He told me my symptoms were caused by anxiety. He said, ‘If you get your nails done, you’ll feel better,’ which shocked me,” she says. “But I took his advice, got my nails and hair done, went for a massage and got a facial, and my pain kept getting worse.”
Eventually, Marshall was diagnosed with fibromyalgia – a long-lasting condition that often causes pain and tenderness throughout the body – by a rheumatologist after a thorough examination and an MRI to rule out other serious conditions, like multiple sclerosis, which can have similar symptoms.
Lorrie Lewis, a 56-year-old social worker, was also brushed off by her doctor. Her daughter, Beth DeCapua, a house painter in Toms River, NJ, says her mother had consulted a doctor because she was having a hard time coordinating her hands while trying to dust the coffee table.
“The first doctor my mother saw said, ‘You’ve got to expect this at your age,’ and when she went to a second doctor, he advised her to go home and relax with a glass of wine,” DeCapua recalls. Two years later, Lewis was diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease, which eventually claimed her life.
Obadiah J., a clergyman from New York who asked that his last name not be used for this article, began feeling “terrible heartburn” when he was 15. He consulted a doctor who told him that young men “don’t get heartburn.”
“It wasn’t until I got married and my wife introduced me to a gastroenterologist that I got diagnosed with a hiatal hernia and an inflamed esophagus,” he says.
Having one’s symptoms dismissed by a health care professional is sometimes called “medical gaslighting,” a term that comes from Gas Light, a 1938 play that was later adapted into a movie, in which the husband manipulates his wife into questioning her perceptions of reality and her sanity.
Karen Lutfey Spencer, PhD, a professor of health and behavioral sciences at the University of Colorado in Denver, says that while “medical gaslighting” has become a popular term to describe the downplaying or dismissing a patient’s symptoms, it may be a label that’s not accurate.
“The word ‘gaslighting’ implies that someone is purposefully trying to mess with another person’s head, as the husband did in the movie. But we have many well-intentioned health care providers who are not deliberately trying to ‘gaslight’ their patients,” she says. That said, the absence of malice doesn’t justify dismissing a patient’s symptoms, she notes.
‘Horses’ vs ‘Zebras’
In medical school, doctors are taught, “If you hear hoofbeats, think horses, not zebras.” This encourages providers to look for the most common rather than the most exotic diagnosis for a person’s condition. But that approach might unintentionally lead to downplaying a patient’s symptoms – especially in today’s high-pressure health care environment, where providers are forced to quickly find out what the patient’s problem is.
So, why would common conditions like fibromyalgia, Parkinson’s, and a hiatal hernia be considered “zebras”?
Spencer, a medical sociologist whose research focuses on medical decision-making, health care disparities, and patient-provider relationships, says that some providers have biases that affect their diagnoses and treatment decisions.
“Research has shown that women, people of color, older people, non-heterosexual people, and individuals with ‘stigmatized’ conditions – like being overweight or having a mental illness – are more frequently misdiagnosed and their symptoms are more frequently dismissed,” she says.
One reason is that much of the research that informs diagnosis and treatment was historically performed on white males. “There’s much less research into other populations with other biologies. It’s assumed that what is known about white males will translate into other groups, and that’s simply not always true,” Spencer explains.
For example, heart problems are often misdiagnosed in women because heart disease has been regarded as a “male” condition.
“A doctor in one of my studies once reported that that the encyclopedia he used in medical school to learn about angina had an illustration of an elderly gray-haired white man clutching his chest. This picture, which hasn’t changed in decades, reinforces the message that heart disease is a white male problem.”
These various kinds of influences become “baked into medical training.” So when a woman has heart symptoms, “[doctors] may be less certain that it’s a heart problem and give more consideration to other causes, like stress or depression,” says Spencer.
Similarly, Parkinson’s disease statistically affects more men than women, so some doctors may not think of it in a woman who has symptoms, suggests Christine Metz, PhD, a professor in the departments of Obstetrics and Gynecology and Molecular Medicine at Hofstra/Northwell, Long Island, NY.
Common But Hard to Diagnose
Certain types of illnesses are more likely to be missed or dismissed, according to Allyson Shrikhande, MD, chief medical officer and co-founder of Pelvic Rehabilitation Medicine, a national women’s health care company that specializes in pelvic pain.
Endometriosis is a condition that causes pelvic pain, and though it’s very common – 1 in 9 women are affected – there are no definite lab tests or X-rays to diagnose the condition, which is often diagnosed only during surgery.
“Women experience pain in the lower abdomen, often during intercourse, and they’re told by their physicians to relax and have a glass of wine, that they’re simply overanxious. They’re made to feel crazy,” Shrikhande says.
One of the main reasons is lack of education about chronic pelvic pain – and similar conditions – during medical school and residency. Insufficient education can lead to even a common condition being regarded as a “zebra,” according to Shrikhande. This is true for other conditions as well, such as fibromyalgia.
Myths and Facts About Pain
Pain similarly has no “objective” measurement technique, according to Metz.
“Yes, people are asked to report their pain on a 1-10 ‘pain scale,’ but it’s still very subjective. A level 1 or 2 pain to me might be different from a level 1 or 2 pain for you,” she says.
And a lot of myths abound, despite scientific evidence to the contrary – for example, that Black people have a higher pain threshold than white people – leading to their pain complaints being taken less seriously in medical settings, says Tina Sacks, PhD, an associate professor at the University of California-Berkeley’s School of Social Welfare.
Sacks, a social scientist who specializes in racial inequities in health, has written a book called Invisible Visits: Black Middle-Class Women in the American Healthcare System. She notes that pain in women is also more frequently underestimated and undertreated, compared to pain in their male counterparts.
Spencer says she’s been told by female athletes “that when they’ve sought treatment for an injury, they were told to go home and use ice or take ibuprofen, while their male counterparts with similar injuries were more aggressively treated.”
Sacks agrees. “There’s still some version of women being seen as ‘hysterical’ – and providers sometimes assume that the pain is a product of that ‘female hysteria.’”
According to Sacks, people with “intersectionality” – for example, people who are both Black and female – are even more vulnerable because both groups are taken less seriously when they complain about medical symptoms such as pain.
She notes that people with disabilities are among the most at risk for medical gaslighting.
“Ageism, sexism, and ableism go hand-in-hand in the medical field, and these factors sometimes work together to effectively minimize or even negate altogether what the person is experiencing,” Sacks says, noting that immigrants are often taken less seriously as well.
Signs of Medical Gaslighting
“Unaddressed pain – or, for that matter, the downplaying or denial of any symptoms you’re describing – is a red flag,” says Spencer. And “be concerned if your questions aren’t being answered or are rerouted.”
The experts point to phrases that can be “warning bells” of gaslighting:
“It’s all in your head.”
“Your pain is manageable.”
“You’re just tense.”
“You’re too young to be feeling – ”
“You’ve got to expect this as you age.”
“All you need to do is lose some weight.”
“It’s just your depression.”
Spencer notes that providers don’t always agree with their patients’ proposed plans of action, but that doesn’t necessarily equate to gaslighting.
“A doctor may not want to perform a specific test you think you need or may believe your hypothesis is incorrect, but he or she should at least take your concerns seriously and explain why the test or treatment isn’t appropriate,” she says.
When you leave a provider’s office, you should feel respected and validated. Feeling disrespected, trivialized, downplayed, or invalidated is another warning sign.
Protecting Yourself from Medical Gaslighting
Spencer recommends bringing a trusted friend or family member to medical appointments – especially someone who has been with you when you’ve had your symptoms.
“It’s harder to dismiss two people than it is to dismiss one person, and your ‘buddy’ can advocate for you,” she says.
Keeping a diary of your symptoms and writing down all of your questions in advance can also be helpful, Spencer advises.
“You can say, ‘I kept a record of my symptoms, and I know my body. What I’m experiencing isn’t normal for me,’” Having a written list of questions not only helps with remembering your concerns but also conveys a sense of organization and thoughtful planning that make it harder for a provider to brush you off.
Metz recommends returning to questions on your list that you feel were not taken seriously enough.
For example, this can look like, “I want to go back to something I mentioned earlier. Why do you think I’m having pain in the middle of my cycle?”
It might also be helpful to take notes on what the provider is saying, says Marshall. You’re less likely to be told to “get your nails done” if the provider knows everything is being written down.
Obadiah records medical appointments. Not only does this make the doctor more accountable, but it’s easier for him to remember what the doctor said.
But remember that there are laws in certain states prohibiting recording without the other person’s knowledge or permission, Metz warns, so don’t record unless you’ve asked the doctor if it’s OK to do so.
And, if at all possible, ask to have your conversation with the doctor when you are dressed rather than when you’re sitting in the examining table in a skimpy hospital gown, Sacks advises.
There’s already a power differential between a patient and a doctor, and you feel much more vulnerable when the other person is dressed and you’re half-naked.”
Lastly, “if you continue to feel uncomfortable, seek another opinion,” Spencer suggests. Sometimes the health care system can be intimidating, and if you don’t feel well, you may not want to go through the hassle of finding a new provider. But it’s important not to allow the provider’s dismissive attitude to deter you from getting to the bottom of whatever is going on with your health.
Support groups can be helpful. Marshall has joined communities of people with fibromyalgia, who have provided validation, support, resources, and practical information. And support groups can also help you find a professional who’s specialized in your particular condition, Shrikhande notes.
Jan. 20, 2023 – Preslee Marshall, a 25-year-old resident of Canada, began having severe electric shock-like sensations shooting throughout her body. It started happening once a week, then progressed to once a day, then multiple times a day, she says. Worried, Marshall, who co-manages a public relations agency, consulted a neurologist.
“He told me my symptoms were caused by anxiety. He said, ‘If you get your nails done, you’ll feel better,’ which shocked me,” she says. “But I took his advice, got my nails and hair done, went for a massage and got a facial, and my pain kept getting worse.”
Eventually, Marshall was diagnosed with fibromyalgia – a long-lasting condition that often causes pain and tenderness throughout the body – by a rheumatologist after a thorough examination and an MRI to rule out other serious conditions, like multiple sclerosis, which can have similar symptoms.
Lorrie Lewis, a 56-year-old social worker, was also brushed off by her doctor. Her daughter, Beth DeCapua, a house painter in Toms River, NJ, says her mother had consulted a doctor because she was having a hard time coordinating her hands while trying to dust the coffee table.
“The first doctor my mother saw said, ‘You’ve got to expect this at your age,’ and when she went to a second doctor, he advised her to go home and relax with a glass of wine,” DeCapua recalls. Two years later, Lewis was diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease, which eventually claimed her life.
Obadiah J., a clergyman from New York who asked that his last name not be used for this article, began feeling “terrible heartburn” when he was 15. He consulted a doctor who told him that young men “don’t get heartburn.”
“It wasn’t until I got married and my wife introduced me to a gastroenterologist that I got diagnosed with a hiatal hernia and an inflamed esophagus,” he says.
Having one’s symptoms dismissed by a health care professional is sometimes called “medical gaslighting,” a term that comes from Gas Light, a 1938 play that was later adapted into a movie, in which the husband manipulates his wife into questioning her perceptions of reality and her sanity.
Karen Lutfey Spencer, PhD, a professor of health and behavioral sciences at the University of Colorado in Denver, says that while “medical gaslighting” has become a popular term to describe the downplaying or dismissing a patient’s symptoms, it may be a label that’s not accurate.
“The word ‘gaslighting’ implies that someone is purposefully trying to mess with another person’s head, as the husband did in the movie. But we have many well-intentioned health care providers who are not deliberately trying to ‘gaslight’ their patients,” she says. That said, the absence of malice doesn’t justify dismissing a patient’s symptoms, she notes.
‘Horses’ vs ‘Zebras’
In medical school, doctors are taught, “If you hear hoofbeats, think horses, not zebras.” This encourages providers to look for the most common rather than the most exotic diagnosis for a person’s condition. But that approach might unintentionally lead to downplaying a patient’s symptoms – especially in today’s high-pressure health care environment, where providers are forced to quickly find out what the patient’s problem is.
So, why would common conditions like fibromyalgia, Parkinson’s, and a hiatal hernia be considered “zebras”?
Spencer, a medical sociologist whose research focuses on medical decision-making, health care disparities, and patient-provider relationships, says that some providers have biases that affect their diagnoses and treatment decisions.
“Research has shown that women, people of color, older people, non-heterosexual people, and individuals with ‘stigmatized’ conditions – like being overweight or having a mental illness – are more frequently misdiagnosed and their symptoms are more frequently dismissed,” she says.
One reason is that much of the research that informs diagnosis and treatment was historically performed on white males. “There’s much less research into other populations with other biologies. It’s assumed that what is known about white males will translate into other groups, and that’s simply not always true,” Spencer explains.
For example, heart problems are often misdiagnosed in women because heart disease has been regarded as a “male” condition.
“A doctor in one of my studies once reported that that the encyclopedia he used in medical school to learn about angina had an illustration of an elderly gray-haired white man clutching his chest. This picture, which hasn’t changed in decades, reinforces the message that heart disease is a white male problem.”
These various kinds of influences become “baked into medical training.” So when a woman has heart symptoms, “[doctors] may be less certain that it’s a heart problem and give more consideration to other causes, like stress or depression,” says Spencer.
Similarly, Parkinson’s disease statistically affects more men than women, so some doctors may not think of it in a woman who has symptoms, suggests Christine Metz, PhD, a professor in the departments of Obstetrics and Gynecology and Molecular Medicine at Hofstra/Northwell, Long Island, NY.
Common But Hard to Diagnose
Certain types of illnesses are more likely to be missed or dismissed, according to Allyson Shrikhande, MD, chief medical officer and co-founder of Pelvic Rehabilitation Medicine, a national women’s health care company that specializes in pelvic pain.
Endometriosis is a condition that causes pelvic pain, and though it’s very common – 1 in 9 women are affected – there are no definite lab tests or X-rays to diagnose the condition, which is often diagnosed only during surgery.
“Women experience pain in the lower abdomen, often during intercourse, and they’re told by their physicians to relax and have a glass of wine, that they’re simply overanxious. They’re made to feel crazy,” Shrikhande says.
One of the main reasons is lack of education about chronic pelvic pain – and similar conditions – during medical school and residency. Insufficient education can lead to even a common condition being regarded as a “zebra,” according to Shrikhande. This is true for other conditions as well, such as fibromyalgia.
Myths and Facts About Pain
Pain similarly has no “objective” measurement technique, according to Metz.
“Yes, people are asked to report their pain on a 1-10 ‘pain scale,’ but it’s still very subjective. A level 1 or 2 pain to me might be different from a level 1 or 2 pain for you,” she says.
And a lot of myths abound, despite scientific evidence to the contrary – for example, that Black people have a higher pain threshold than white people – leading to their pain complaints being taken less seriously in medical settings, says Tina Sacks, PhD, an associate professor at the University of California-Berkeley’s School of Social Welfare.
Sacks, a social scientist who specializes in racial inequities in health, has written a book called Invisible Visits: Black Middle-Class Women in the American Healthcare System. She notes that pain in women is also more frequently underestimated and undertreated, compared to pain in their male counterparts.
Spencer says she’s been told by female athletes “that when they’ve sought treatment for an injury, they were told to go home and use ice or take ibuprofen, while their male counterparts with similar injuries were more aggressively treated.”
Sacks agrees. “There’s still some version of women being seen as ‘hysterical’ – and providers sometimes assume that the pain is a product of that ‘female hysteria.’”
According to Sacks, people with “intersectionality” – for example, people who are both Black and female – are even more vulnerable because both groups are taken less seriously when they complain about medical symptoms such as pain.
She notes that people with disabilities are among the most at risk for medical gaslighting.
“Ageism, sexism, and ableism go hand-in-hand in the medical field, and these factors sometimes work together to effectively minimize or even negate altogether what the person is experiencing,” Sacks says, noting that immigrants are often taken less seriously as well.
Signs of Medical Gaslighting
“Unaddressed pain – or, for that matter, the downplaying or denial of any symptoms you’re describing – is a red flag,” says Spencer. And “be concerned if your questions aren’t being answered or are rerouted.”
The experts point to phrases that can be “warning bells” of gaslighting:
“It’s all in your head.”
“Your pain is manageable.”
“You’re just tense.”
“You’re too young to be feeling – ”
“You’ve got to expect this as you age.”
“All you need to do is lose some weight.”
“It’s just your depression.”
Spencer notes that providers don’t always agree with their patients’ proposed plans of action, but that doesn’t necessarily equate to gaslighting.
“A doctor may not want to perform a specific test you think you need or may believe your hypothesis is incorrect, but he or she should at least take your concerns seriously and explain why the test or treatment isn’t appropriate,” she says.
When you leave a provider’s office, you should feel respected and validated. Feeling disrespected, trivialized, downplayed, or invalidated is another warning sign.
Protecting Yourself from Medical Gaslighting
Spencer recommends bringing a trusted friend or family member to medical appointments – especially someone who has been with you when you’ve had your symptoms.
“It’s harder to dismiss two people than it is to dismiss one person, and your ‘buddy’ can advocate for you,” she says.
Keeping a diary of your symptoms and writing down all of your questions in advance can also be helpful, Spencer advises.
“You can say, ‘I kept a record of my symptoms, and I know my body. What I’m experiencing isn’t normal for me,’” Having a written list of questions not only helps with remembering your concerns but also conveys a sense of organization and thoughtful planning that make it harder for a provider to brush you off.
Metz recommends returning to questions on your list that you feel were not taken seriously enough.
For example, this can look like, “I want to go back to something I mentioned earlier. Why do you think I’m having pain in the middle of my cycle?”
It might also be helpful to take notes on what the provider is saying, says Marshall. You’re less likely to be told to “get your nails done” if the provider knows everything is being written down.
Obadiah records medical appointments. Not only does this make the doctor more accountable, but it’s easier for him to remember what the doctor said.
But remember that there are laws in certain states prohibiting recording without the other person’s knowledge or permission, Metz warns, so don’t record unless you’ve asked the doctor if it’s OK to do so.
And, if at all possible, ask to have your conversation with the doctor when you are dressed rather than when you’re sitting in the examining table in a skimpy hospital gown, Sacks advises.
There’s already a power differential between a patient and a doctor, and you feel much more vulnerable when the other person is dressed and you’re half-naked.”
Lastly, “if you continue to feel uncomfortable, seek another opinion,” Spencer suggests. Sometimes the health care system can be intimidating, and if you don’t feel well, you may not want to go through the hassle of finding a new provider. But it’s important not to allow the provider’s dismissive attitude to deter you from getting to the bottom of whatever is going on with your health.
Support groups can be helpful. Marshall has joined communities of people with fibromyalgia, who have provided validation, support, resources, and practical information. And support groups can also help you find a professional who’s specialized in your particular condition, Shrikhande notes.
