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Tag: four horsemen

  • What Is the Difference Between Stonewalling and Gaslighting?

    What Is the Difference Between Stonewalling and Gaslighting?

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    In any relationship, it’s natural to encounter challenges and conflicts. But what happens when those conflicts turn toxic? 

    Gaslighting and stonewalling are not the same thing, but both can wreak havoc on a relationship. It’s crucial to understand the difference between these two behaviors so that you can decide how to react when or if they show up in your relationship.

    What is gaslighting?

    Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse.

    Gaslighting involves manipulating someone’s perception of reality, and deliberately causing them to doubt their sanity, thoughts, feelings, and memories. This insidious form of emotional abuse can lead to self-loathing, anxiety, and doubting one’s own mental stability.

    The term originates from the play Gaslight, written by Patrick Hamilton in 1938. It is a story about Bella and Jack, set in 1880 London. Playgoers realize right away that Jack is not a good guy. He flirts with staff in front of Bella, leaves the home without explanation, and is generally rude and dismissive. 

    As the play progresses, it turns out there is a mysterious disappearance of an opera singer (who used to live upstairs). Jack starts searching for the starlett’s jewels and acts incredulous when Bella mentions she hears footsteps above her. The plot thickens as Jack starts randomly turning their gas lamp lights on and off, and then denies it. He attempts to convince Bella she is insane. 

    You’ll have to see the play to learn what happens next, but the important takeaway from this story is that Jack’s behavior is deliberate and intentional. Not only does he lie to her, but he lies to her with the premeditated intention of upending her mental stability. This is what gaslighting is.

    What To Do If There is Gaslighting in Your Relationship

    Emotional abuse needs to be taken extremely seriously and requires immediate assessment and intervention from a licensed professional. 

    If you believe that your partner is consistently, deliberately trying to make you feel like you are out of touch with reality, we recommend reaching out for help. You can call 988 if you live in the United States or visit the Gottman Referral Network to find a therapist near you. 

    What is Stonewalling?

    Unlike gaslighting, stonewalling is a maladaptive defense mechanism versus a form of emotional abuse. 

    Dr. John Gottman uses the term to define one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. His research indicates that stonewalling leads to relationship dissatisfaction, separation and divorce. 

    Stonewalling is a behavior characterized by one partner withdrawing from interaction, shutting off emotionally, and discontinuing communication.

    When someone is stonewalling, to others they often appear indifferent and usually have a blank expression on their face. They might appear callous or uncaring. It can be very hurtful to look up and see what appears to be an emotionless reaction when you are talking to your partner; especially if you are being emotionally vulnerable. You might wonder if your partner is even listening or cares what you are feeling.

    But stonewalling is not as it appears. 

    What we know from the research is that when someone is stonewalling, even though they may appear calm on the outside, internally, they are in a state of fight, flight, or freeze. Stonewalling is the freeze reaction to perceived danger. Heart-rates are well over one hundred beats per minute, accompanied by difficulty breathing, muscle tension and internal panic.

    What To Do if There is Stonewalling in Your Relationship

    The solution to relational stonewalling is easy in concept, but difficult to practice in everyday life.

    There is only one thing to do, and that is to take a timeout. 

    It is emotionally dangerous to continue conversation when one or both parties are triggered. If you keep talking, you or your partner might do and say things you regret. When you take a short break, both of you can catch your breath, do some self-care, and then return to the conversation when you’re calm. 

    Usually one partner wants to keep talking while the other wants space. In order for a time-out to be effective, both parties need to commit to disconnecting and then reconnecting. When you learn how to do this in your relationship, you can avoid the unnecessary pain that occurs from continuing an unproductive conversation. 

    Next Steps

    It takes time to reduce stonewalling in your relationship, but it is possible. Be patient with yourself and your partner as you work to implement this strategy. If you are the kind of couple who like worksheets and cheat sheets, you can download a free copy of chapter 7 of my workbook which includes a Time-Out Planning Exercise to help you avoid stonewalling in your relationship. 

    Congratulations on your commitment to relationship health and thanks for reading this article 🙂

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    Laura Silverstein

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  • The Four Horsemen in the Parent Child Relationship

    The Four Horsemen in the Parent Child Relationship

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    John Gottman’s Four Horsemen are well known in the relationship space for leading to relationship demise. However, these types of negative interactions (criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling) can also be generalized to the parent child relationship.     

    In contrast to a couples relationship where there is equal responsibility for healthy communication, the parent child relationship is a hierarchical one where the bulk of responsibility lies with the parent. The responsibility to build communication, model healthy relationships and teach the tools for doing so lies with the parent.    

    What do we know about the four horsemen

    First, we must understand that these reactions appear when a person’s survival system is triggered.

    When a child, whose emotional and regulatory systems are not yet fully developed, encounters criticism aimed at them they can experience it as an attack.

    Given that, the survival system of our body sends our brain a message that we are under attack, and when in danger, the “ancient” part of our brain, survival mode, which is in our brain stem, takes over and activates one of our three survival mechanisms, fight, flight or freeze. In this situation, a person is not open to listening, to conversation and/or to problem solving, as they must “remove themselves from the danger zone”.

    The four horsemen in the parent child relationship

    Criticism (the first horseman) may appear the moment we get mad at the child and chastise them. In contrast to a complaint, which focuses on a certain behavior or a certain incident, the criticizing message generalizes, and expresses negative emotions or opinions regarding the other person’s character or personality.

    Seven year old Benny is sitting next to his brother eating breakfast. Benny notices that his brother got his favorite spoon. He objects and asks his brother to change spoons with him. While he is reaching to take the spoon, he spills the bowl of cornflakes by accident. His mother Sandra, in a rush to get through the morning tasks, gets angry at him. She turns to Benny aggressively and says: “Why can’t you ever behave properly, you are so clumsy, and always need things to be your way. Clean that up immediately!!” Benny, startled by her yelling, reacts defensively (the second horseman) – He answers her by shouting: “It’s because of you! I told you not to give me cornflakes, I hate cornflakes and I hate you!”

    Understanding the criticism defensiveness cycle

    You can tell that Benny was overwhelmed from his reaction. He did not mean to spill the bowl and felt under attack and humiliated. His way of defending himself was a defensive attack in the form of “It wasn’t me, it was you!”

    When Sandra reacts to Benny, she criticizes him harshly. Her words have a tone of contempt (the third horseman), when she says “you are so clumsy and you always need things to be your way”. Contempt is the most destructive horseman because it conveys humiliation and superiority.

    Sandra reacts to Benny and yells, “Don’t speak to me like that, you are rude and disrespectful!” Benny throws the spoon on the floor, crosses his arms and lowers his head in anger. From this moment on he stops communicating with his mom. Sandra continues talking to him, asking him to get up and clean up the mess, but he disengages and withdraws.

    Sandra’s critical response towards Benny overwhelms him emotionally. Benny can not take the attack and chooses to disengage from the situation. Here we encounter the fourth horseman – stonewalling. Benny is present physically, but emotionally and cognitively he is in another place. He is quiet and unresponsive, waiting for the storm to pass. Benny disengages and because of the intense emotional storm he feels, he withdraws into himself.

    How could it have been managed differently?

    How can we define boundaries for a child, reflect our feelings and thoughts, and at the same time successfully connect with them so that they hear us and change their behavior?

    As parents we are our children’s most important role models. Children learn from us, not only through our words, but also through our behaviors and actions that we may or may not be aware of. In order to improve communication with our children and promote their healthy social emotional development, we must be aware of our reactions and stay away from the Four Horsemen in the parent child relationship.

    We will begin with the basics – if we wish to say something to our child in order to help them change their behavior, we must be aware of how we are talking to them and what non-verbals we are communicating.

    Softened start up

    Instead of criticism, we will use a soft start up in 3 steps:

    1) This is how I feel (I am very angry)

    2) About what (You wanted to take the spoon from your brother, and you spilt the cornflakes)

    3) and this is what I need/want (you to clean up the spill).

    It is important to remember that children have very well-developed sensors for inauthentic messages. Parents must talk to their children when regulated and capable of managing the conversation from a place of calm.

    However, it is not always possible to take a break as a parent, so you can respond by focusing on the incident. “It makes me angry that you weren’t careful and the cornflakes spilled. We are in a hurry now, so let’s talk about it later. Get your backpack and let’s go to school”. Sandra is not ignoring the incident but helping herself get regulated and leaving an opening to talk about it at a more appropriate time.

    The importance of self regulation

    When overwhelmed, our physiological system operates out of a survival mechanism and needs regulation and relaxation. The most effective way to do this to take a 20 minute break.

    Once the system regulates we can go back to the child and have a conversation using the gentle start up. We use the “I” language, about what happened to us during the incident, what we felt, and what we need and/or expect from the child. The response relates only to the incident itself and does not generalize to the child’s personality or all of his behavior.

    Sandra went to Benny after dinner, when they were both relaxed and said: “You know, this morning, when the cornflakes spilled, I was very angry and thought you weren’t being careful when you knocked over the bowl. Can you please try to be more careful in the future?”

    Benny listened to his mother and responded: “But mom, you always yell at me. I did not mean to spill the cornflakes, and it isn’t fair that you gave my brother my favorite spoon”.

    While he does criticize his mother, he was able to say it calmly without yelling or being aggressive.

    Here we recommend that Sandra be attentive, even though Benny just blamed her, because he is talking about his experience. To keep the conversation moving forward, Sandra takes responsibility for her part (antidote to defensiveness).

    She says to Benny: “I know you really like the green spoon. Next time I’ll pay better attention”.

    Taking responsibility

    In her anger, Sandra told Benny that he is “clumsy and insists on stupid things”. These words convey a message of disdain and belittlement. As parents we must be careful about any message of disdain or humiliation towards a child. It is our responsibility as adults to protect their emotional well-being and instill confidence in them even though it is not always an easy task.

    If we make a mistake, we must take responsibility for the incident. While taking responsibility, it is important to describe our feelings and needs to the child (the antidote to contempt) and ultimately to apologize. The ability to admit to a mistake and apologize is important to model.

    In our case, Sandra says to Benny: “Sweetheart, this morning I said some things that I did not mean. I was very stressed out and responded in an unkind way. I am very sorry”.

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    Anat Rothschild franko

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