Tag: Finding Love With Integrity Dating

Some of us are attracted to the way a person looks. Others are smitten based on how the person makes us feel.

Then, there are some who find a person’s smarts incredibly sexy. This is the world of the sapiosexual, where intelligence is the ultimate turn-on.

It’s like Amy’s infatuation with Sheldon on The Big Bang Theory. Or Rory’s crush on Jess on Gilmore Girls. Or Fitz’s love for Olivia on Scandal.

If you get that kind of attraction, if you feel drawn to someone’s mind more than their looks, you might be a sapiosexual. And that’s awesome.

The thing is, when you better understand it, you can find partners who also value intellectual depth just as much as you do.

What does it mean to be sapiosexual?

Physical attraction is great, but being a sapiosexual means that the mind sparks a real connection for you. You crave stimulating conversations, witty banter, lively debates, a shared passion for learning—anything intellectual that provides you with mental stimulation, challenges your thinking, and broadens your horizons.

After all, the “sapiosexual” definition itself describes someone who’s attracted to intelligence—sapio, meaning “wise” or “intelligent” in Latin, and sexual, referring to attraction or desire.

However, it’s not just about raw intelligence. Rather, it’s how that intelligence translates into communication, empathy, and connection.

Now, there’s a nuance to this. Research suggests we’re generally drawn to intelligence, but there might be a sweet spot.

The study found that while most people prefer partners with above-average intelligence, a very high IQ wasn’t necessarily the most desirable. What does that mean? Simply, there’s a certain charm in finding someone who challenges you intellectually but is still relatable.

Sapiosexual and demisexual

You may wonder, “What is sapiosexual?” You may also wonder, “What is demisexual?” And, most importantly, you may question what the two love styles have to do with each other.

The thing is, while the “sapiosexual” meaning is about initially being drawn to someone’s intellect, the “demisexual” one is about craving an emotional connection before experiencing any sexual attraction.

Here are a few more differences between the two:

Here’s where it gets interesting, though: The two can sometimes intertwine. And that creates a unique desire for a partner who is both intellectually stimulating and emotionally fulfilling.

How can I tell if I’m sapiosexual? 10 signs to look out for

So, how do you know if you fall into the sapiosexual category? Here are some common telltale signs:

1. Deep conversations and intellectual debates excite you more than small talk.
2. You have an insatiable thirst for knowledge.
3. When it comes to emotional connection, it’s formed through intellectual discussions and shared understanding.
4. Active listening and contributing thoughtfully to conversations are important to you.
5. You enjoy being challenged intellectually.
6. Knowledge and wisdom are highly attractive to you.
7. You value gifts that show someone puts thought and effort into understanding your interests, not just emptying their wallet.
8. Your interests span a wide range of subjects.
9. Physical appearance is secondary to intellectual and emotional depth.
10. You love exploring new ideas and learning alongside your partner.

These signs can help you pinpoint exactly what you get attracted to and how to be attractive to partners who value the same things. It’s as Neelam Verma, the founder of Integrity Dating, says in her Finding Love with Integrity Dating Quest on Mindvalley: 

“When you feel comfortable in who you are and what you have to offer, you have the courage to show up as the real you. And what happens is, is you give others permission to do the same.”

Dating as a sapiosexual 

The dating game can be a whole new ball game when you’re a sapiosexual. Here are a few ways that can help you navigate the world of romance with a heart (and mind):

• Seek out stimulating environments, like lectures, book clubs, or museums.
• Skip the cheesy pickup lines; instead, start a conversation by asking thoughtful questions about the other person’s passions, current events, or intriguing ideas.
• Pay attention, ask follow-up questions, and show genuine interest in what they say.
• Don’t shy away from friendly debates or challenging their perspectives.
• Showcase your own intellectual pursuits by sharing your hobbies, what you’re reading, or what you’re learning.

As Neelam advises, it’s all about dating with integrity—that means showing up as your authentic self and not hiding behind a persona or facade.

“Show up authentic on your dates,” she says. “Not afraid to love; not afraid to open your heart; not afraid to be intentional or transparent; not afraid to be you.”

How to date a sapiosexual person

What if you’re not the one who’s sapiosexual?

What if you’re Leonard and your partner’s Penny? (That’s a The Big Bang Theory reference for you.) 

With their smarts, what can you do to connect deeply with them?

Taking pointers from Mindvalley experts like Neelam, here’s where you can start.

1. Know yourself first

Before you run off into the sunset like every great rom-com, it’s important to know yourself first. This means understanding your own values, needs, and desires. 

“All relationships mirror the relationship you have with yourself,” says Neelam, “and the ones that thrive are the ones where you have a great relationship with you.”

The thing is, when you know yourself, you date from a place of wholeness. You have a strong sense of self, you have confidence, and you bring clarity to your relationships. So, rather than finding someone to complete you, you look for a partner to share your journey.

And that is especially important when you’re dating someone who values intellectual and emotional depth. They will appreciate your ability to articulate your thoughts and emotions clearly, which will help foster a deeper connection.

2. Engage in conscious conversations

It’s no secret that communication is such an important element of dating and relationships. In fact, statistics show that 65% of experts chalk up communication (or, really, the lack of it) as the number one cause of divorce.

But there’s a difference between having regular conversations and conscious ones. While the former is about surface-level chat, the latter is, according to Neelam, when you “speak from a place of honesty, authenticity, transparency, and intentionality.”

This means sharing what you genuinely feel without fear of judgment or rejection. And when you do so, you create a safe space for your partner to do the same.

3. Use your charisma

Charisma is not just about being charming or having sexual confidence (although they can be a part of it). It’s about having a magnetic presence that draws people to you.

“Often, people with charisma possess the ability to charm and influence others,” says Linda Clemons, a body language expert and trainer of Mindvalley’s Body Language for Dating & Attraction Quest. “It makes them irresistible.”

The good news is, charisma isn’t a born trait. It’s a skill you can develop, and here’s how:

1. Believe in yourself. When you do, you radiate a positive energy that others can sense and appreciate.
2. Be kind, supportive, and trustworthy. These qualities make you likable and help build genuine connections.
3. Be present by connecting authentically with your partner’s thoughts and feelings. 
4. Praise and validate your partner. This empathy strengthens your bond and demonstrates your genuine care.
5. Use positive body language, smile often, and maintain an upbeat demeanor. This makes your partner feel good in your presence and enhances your connection.

When it comes down to it, Linda highlights the golden rule for magnetizing people: “Be interested in the person of your desire, not just interesting.”

FAQ

What’s the opposite of sapiosexual?

There isn’t technically an opposite for sapiosexuals. However, some orientations might seem like the flip side, like…

• Demisexuals, who only experience sexual attraction after forming a deep emotional connection, or
• Fraysexuals, who find someone less sexually attractive the more they get to know them.

Ultimately, attraction is complex. While sapiosexuality emphasizes intelligence, most people find a combination of factors attractive, not just one.

What is the difference between pansexuals and sapiosexuals?

These two terms might sound similar, but they describe different attractions.

Pansexuality is when you’re attracted to someone’s personality and soul, regardless of whether they’re a man, woman, or somewhere on the gender spectrum.

Sapiosexuality, on the other hand, is when you’re drawn to people with sharp minds and a thirst for knowledge.

Deep connection is important for both orientations. However, the focus differs. Pansexuality celebrates the inclusivity of gender, while sapiosexuality prioritizes intellectual attraction.

Is sapiosexuality just a way to seem more intellectual?

Not at all. It’s a natural way for some people to find fulfilling relationships—ones built on brains and mutual respect for each other’s smarts.

For sapiosexuals, it’s about finding someone who clicks with them on a mental level. Deep conversations, shared interests in cool ideas, and so on.

Love deeper, connect stronger

The greatest pleasure in life is love, as the saying goes. So if you’re seeking connections beyond the superficial, take this as a serendipitous sign to transform your dating life.

At Mindvalley, you can learn from Neelam Verma on how to end the cycle of bad dates and attract amazing partners. Or master the art of nonverbal communication with Linda Clemons and radiate confidence, unlock your magnetism, and spark instant attraction.

Not sure if you’re ready? Here’s what you can do: sign up for a free account and get a sneak peek at the first few lessons of their programs.

It’s time you discover the secrets to attracting love that lights up your mind, heart, and soul—and you can do that at Mindvalley.

Welcome in.

Relationship statuses used to just be “single” or “in a relationship.” Soon after, “it’s complicated” found its way into the mix.

Let’s also not forget domestic partnerships, open relationships, friends with benefits, and a whole slew of other terminologies.

The latest one to come into our urban dictionary might have you stop to ask, “What is a situationship?” 

It’s a term made popular by writer Carina Hseih, who explains it as this: “Relationships sitting at the intersection of ‘hooking up’ and ‘in a relationship.

It’s a scary precipice, teeter-tottering between ‘more than hooking up’ and ‘very much dating,’ where a simple ‘what are we’ can throw the entire system out of balance.”

So if you’re neither here nor there with the other person, better understanding this buzzword and what it entails may save you from the emotional roller coaster of unstable relationship dynamics.

What is a situationship?

You and your person hang out, spend time together, and even share intimate moments… But you find yourself with no defined label or future plans—there’s no “boyfriend,” “girlfriend,” or even “it’s complicated.” That’s situationship meaning in a nutshell.

This mash-up of “situation” and “relationship” is a romantic (for lack of a better word) limbo, so to speak. It can be exhilarating—all the butterflies and fun without the pressure of exclusivity. However, it can also be frustrating—the lack of clarity can leave you feeling emotionally vulnerable and wondering the infamous couple question: “What are we?”

This is more common than you may realize. Surely you’ve run across examples of this, if not in real life, then on the screen. Think Olivia Pope and President Fitzgerald in Scandal, Rory and Logan in Gilmore Girls, or Monica and Chandler in Friends.

Interestingly enough, a 2023 survey by Real Research found that  40% of Gen Z’s think situationship should be considered an official relationship status. Which begs the question: Does a situationship deserve a seat at the relationship status table, or is it a recipe for emotional entanglement?

It does seem that daters nowadays are seeking more flexible ways to connect. However, it’s also clear that the lines between casual and committed relationships are becoming increasingly blurred, resulting in the need for the status of “situationship.”

Situationship vs. friends with benefits

Situationships and friends with benefits may seem similar. However, there are distinct differences between the two.

Friends with benefits is an arrangement where you and the other person are usually clear about their relationship being purely physical. No romantic intentions. No dating expectations. Just friends… with “benefits.”

Situationships, on the other hand, have an emotional aspect and a deeper connection, plus physical intimacy. It’s essentially monogamy without the labels.

Situationship vs. relationship

The similarities between a more modern situationship and a traditional relationship run deep. There’s the emotional intimacy, sexual relationships, connection, and companionship.

What’s different between the two is that in a relationship, you and your partner have a mutual understanding and agreement about your status, commitment, and future together. This takes clear communication, defined boundaries, and shared relationship goals.

In a situationship, there’s a lack of definition. You likely don’t know where you stand or what to expect. This ambiguity can (and often does) lead to uncertainty and emotional turmoil.

Pros and cons of being in a situationship

While uncertainty can seem like a downside to most, a situationship can be appealing to some, especially after a breakup or if you’re not ready for something serious. You get all the perks of a relationship without actually being in one.

But before you dive in head first, heart open, let’s weigh the pros and cons:

Pros

• It can offer you a chance to explore intimacy and physical connection without the pressure of commitment.
• There’s a certain level of freedom and ease that come with a lack of expectations in this kind of casual relationship. You can enjoy each other’s company without worrying about labels or long-term plans.
• The attention and validation that come with it can be a welcome boost to your confidence.
• It can give you the space to learn more about your own desires and boundaries in a relatively low-stakes environment.
• It can be a stepping stone potential where the situationship can turn into a relationship if both partners are ready for it.

Cons

• The lack of commitment can lead to emotional confusion and insecurity or something much deeper, like fearful-abandonment attachment issues.
• Mixed messages and unclear boundaries can cause frustration and resentment.
• One person may desire more commitment than the other, which, then, can lead to hurt feelings.
• Ending a situationship can be messy, especially if feelings are involved.
• It might keep you from putting yourself out there for someone who can offer a serious commitment.

5 common signs you are in a situationship

How do you know if you’re in a romantic limbo? Here are some signs that your entanglement might be a situationship, not a full-fledged relationship:

• The dreaded “what are we?” conversation is avoided like the plague or is nonexistent altogether
• Planning things to do over the weekends, holidays, or even next week is also dodged.
• You rarely, if ever, appear together on social media. There’s a sense of secrecy or a desire to keep the relationship under wraps.
• The idea of them seeing someone else might sting, but you can’t quite pinpoint why since there’s no label or claim on your time or theirs.
• The emotional energy feels imbalanced. One person might be more invested, texting constantly and hoping for more, while the other keeps things casual.

The question that may arise is: can you be friends after a situationship? The answer depends on the specifics of your situation and how deeply your feelings run.

But if you find yourself nodding along to several of these signs, it might be time to have an honest conversation with yourself (and maybe even your situationship partner) about what you truly want from the connection.

Red flags: What to watch out for

Not all relationships are built the same, even in types such as this. While some can be a fun exploration, others can leave you feeling emotionally drained and disrespected.

Here are some situationship red flags to watch out for:

• Lack of consistency. They text you back sporadically, cancel plans last minute, and leave you feeling like an afterthought.
• Refusal to commit. They’re still actively dating and make no attempt to hide it, making you feel like you’re just one option on the table.
• You’re kept a secret. They don’t introduce you to their social circle or integrate you into anything happening in their life.
• Emotional manipulation. They use guilt trips or emotional blackmail to keep you around.
• Disrespect your boundaries. They pressure you into physical intimacy or situations you’re not comfortable with.
• Disrespectful behavior. They put you down, make hurtful jokes, or prioritize other people over you.
• Negative impact on your mental well-being. You feel anxious, confused, or constantly questioning your worth while you’re in the situationship.

Here’s the thing: you deserve a connection that is respectful, supportive, and leaves you feeling good about yourself.

“Even if they feel good and safe,” says the founder of Integrity Dating, Neelam Verma, “if they’re not the partner you’re seeking, it’s time to release them.”

How to end a situationship

If you ever find yourself feeling that this entanglement is no longer serving you or that you’re in a toxic situationship, it may be in your best interest to get the heck out.

“Toxic energy blocks love,” Neelam points out. “Whether it’s an ex, an unhealthy on/off relationship, a job you don’t love, or someone who refuses to commit, it’s time to break up with negative energy that drains you.”

Here’s how you can navigate the breakup with grace and clarity, based on the tips she shares on her Finding Love with Integrity Dating Quest on Mindvalley:

• Prioritize your energy. Toxic situations can zap your energy. Make a list of what drains you in the situationship (inconsistent communication, lack of respect) and what lifts you up (supportive friends, hobbies you enjoy). Refocusing on the positive will empower you to move forward.
• Have an honest conversation about how you feel and what you want. Be clear about your desire for a committed relationship or more emotional connection.
• Respect their response. While they may be toxic, they have feelings, too. So they might be surprised or even hurt. Give them space to process your words and avoid pressuring them to agree with your perspective.
• Consider a clean break, especially if the situationship has been emotionally draining. Going no-contact for a while might be necessary to protect your emotional well-being. Plus, it’ll allow you both time and space to heal and move on.

Remember, ending a relationship that doesn’t line up with your values and desires is an act of self-love. So don’t feel guilty for prioritizing your happiness and setting boundaries for the type of connection you deserve.

How to get over a situationship

The end of anything can absolutely be devastating, but that’s only one part of the battle. The next part can truly test your patience and strength.

As you work through the emotional aftermath, prioritizing self-care is essential. Here are three expert tips to help you through this transition:

1. Become the love of your life

“Did you know that every relationship in your life reflects the relationship that you have with yourself?” Neelam poses. That’s why, before you swipe right or go on a date, it’s important you build a strong relationship with yourself.

It’s really about self-love, first and foremost. Set healthy boundaries. Prioritize your needs. Say “no” to dates or relationships that don’t align with your values. Pursue what makes you happy. 

When you’re able to do that, you become a more magnetic and confident person. You show up on dates authentically, knowing your value, and ready to share love with someone who deserves it.

2. Embrace integrity

Integrity is about being true to yourself, both inside and out.

“It’s where your beliefs, thoughts, words, and actions are congruent, and you show up honest,” explains Neelam. “You honor your word not only to others but to yourself. When you get into integrity, you get into alignment with your true self. You honor your feelings. You listen to your inner voice, and you speak your truth.”

Why’s that important in dating? Simply, there’s no room for games or pretending to be someone you’re not.

Dating with integrity takes courage, but it pays off. It’ll help you attract partners who share your values and create connections built on trust and authenticity.

3. Open your heart

No doubt, dating, especially after being in a situation where the status is beyond “it’s complicated,” can feel scary.

“Many of us fear rejection or we’re afraid of getting hurt,” says Neelam, “but that’s just the risk that we need to take in order to get on this journey of dating.”

Being vulnerable can seem like weakness, but it takes strength to be upfront and honest about your feelings and needs. You’re able to chuck out the masks and not hide behind a facade.

It takes courage, of course, to put yourself out there and risk getting hurt. But true connection happens when you open your heart and share your authentic self.

Love deeper, connect stronger

Have you heard the saying, “When one door closes, another one opens”? That’s applicable to situationships, too.

Sure, it can be tough to end one, but it also opens the door to finding a healthier and more fulfilling relationship.

If you’re ready to transform your dating life and meet amazing people, consider joining Mindvalley’s Finding Love with Integrity Dating Quest. Created by Neelam Verma, you’ll learn the tools and techniques to end the cycle of bad dates and create unforgettable encounters with potential partners.

By signing up for a free Mindvalley account, you can access the first few lessons and start your journey toward finding your highest love. Just like Buhlebenkosi Tshuma, a Mindvalley Member from Johannesburg, South Africa:

“When my last relationship failed, I decided to take time off and re-evaluate my dating life. I knew Mindvalley had something for me; that’s how I found this course. I am not afraid to communicate my wants and needs. I am open about not wanting to have sex, as I was taught about the spiritual aspect of the act from a young age. I show up as my authentic self, and I absolutely love it for myself.”

The moral of the story is: Don’t wait for love to find you. Instead, create the love you deserve.

Welcome in.