Tag: family

Dear Eric: I’m a newly married 69-year-old woman who was previously a widow after 43 years of marriage. My present husband and I have been married for a little over a year. We dated in high school and coincidentally ended up together.

Prior to getting married, my husband didn’t ever mention he wanted to go on an African Safari with his adult son and now it has come up frequently. I have made it clear it upsets me that he wants to do this, travel without me, and made it clear I am not paying for this adventure of his. Why would I not be included? But I would never desire to go on an African Safari either.

I don’t understand it, this wanting to be away from me for that long. It hurts me deeply that they didn’t do this stuff all those years when he was single. Now he’s retired so possibly that’s why his son has come up with this idea. His son barely comes around as he struggles with anxiety.

I do not know how to handle this. It tears me apart to think this man I’ve fallen in love with thinks nothing of being away from me for so long. I married this man to be a couple through thick and thin.

Please help me come to grips with all of this. Am I being unreasonable and unfair?

— Left At Home

Dear Left: Let’s look at this from your husband’s point-of-view — he’s recently retired, so he finally has more time for bucket list items. He’s also newly married, so it’s likely that his free time is less available for events with his son than it might have been before you were together. It makes sense, then, that they’d want to do this once-in-a-lifetime trip together. I would strongly encourage you to celebrate this with him, instead of begrudging it. In short, it is unfair to hold this trip against him.

Be happy for your husband but don’t beat yourself up too much. Transitioning to this new relationship after a 43-year marriage is going to take some adjustment. You love each other, but you’re also still learning about each other.

But, for the health of your relationship, it will be important for you to remember that both you and your husband have full lives. While you’re committed to building a life together, there are going to be things that each of you does on your own.

This safari trip is not about you; it isn’t an example of your husband abandoning you. Try to see it for what it is — a rare opportunity for him to pursue a dream and a chance for you, back home, to find something that brings you joy, as well. When you’re reunited, you can tell each other what you’ve learned and discovered.

Dear Eric: I met an interesting man recently and agreed to a date, and within a few minutes of the start of it we realized we had grown up in the same town and already knew each other. I was younger by a couple of years, and we didn’t know each other well, but we shared an extended friend group. I have a vivid memory of being in the back of his truck when he intentionally hurt an animal while driving. He did not express any remorse, quite the opposite.

He wouldn’t pull over and I became physically ill. That image has stayed in my mind.

He says he’s a different person now, nearly 15 years later. I’m having a hard time even thinking about getting past it. Should I even try? Can a 17-year-old horrible person turn into a 31-year-old person with integrity and empathy? Should I try to get over this image that was seared into my 15-year-old brain?

— Old Habits

Dear Eric: My mother-in-law, Dana, 79, was married for 51 years before her husband passed six years ago.

She still visits us frequently. When she does, she stays at either our house or one of my husband’s sister’s homes.

Within the last six months, my MIL began dating another senior gentleman, Peter. Apparently, Dana and Peter knew each other in high school and recently reconnected.

As of this writing, only the two sisters have met Peter. Now there is discussion of the Thanksgiving holiday. Dana would like to bring Peter to meet the rest of the family, and she’s upset because there are conflicting opinions on where she and Peter should stay.

I told my husband I would not feel comfortable hosting my MIL and her boyfriend in our home over the holiday weekend. We only have one guest room. Equally, I think my sisters-in-law feel the same. My nephew said he does not like the idea of someone, not his grandfather, staying in their home at all, especially a holiday break. Again, I’m not in disagreement.

Meanwhile, Dana is upset because she feels no one is giving Peter a chance. I suggested that Dana and Peter stay at a hotel, but Dana feels that we should be more accommodating to her and Peter, especially since they will be traveling to our area via train and neither will have local transportation. I feel it’s a lot to ask to include someone else who is essentially a stranger to us in our homes. I’m sure Peter is a nice man, and my MIL enjoys his company, but am I, or my sisters-in-law, being unreasonable?

— Crowded House

Dear House: Your home, your rules, your comfort level. However, it would be helpful for everyone involved to consider Dana’s position here, as well. Six years after going through the grief and disruption of her husband’s death, she’s found new companionship, which can be wonderful but also has its own challenges. This is new territory for her as well as for you. There are bound to be some hiccups.

Much of the letter was focused on Peter being a stranger. And I acknowledge that is a hurdle, maybe an insurmountable one. But I wonder if Peter is really who everyone is thinking about here, or if this is more about holding a space for Dana’s first husband. Peter’s presence doesn’t displace Dana’s first husband in the family structure, nor — I presume — in her heart. She has to understand that everyone grieves and adjusts in their own way. But everyone else has to understand that Dana is still alive and this relationship is part of her life now.

If the unmarried grandchildren in your family aren’t allowed to bring home significant others to stay in the same room, then explain to Dana that this policy has to be universally applied. However, if that’s not the case, don’t make her the victim of a double standard. See if there’s a time between now and Thanksgiving that she can bring Peter down to meet you casually. That will make him less of a stranger.

Dear Eric: When my dad passed away, with my mother already gone, it took my brother seven years to settle his estate.

He was living in dad’s house and not in any hurry. I spoke to him several times trying to encourage him to get it done. But nothing worked. So, I finally got a lawyer’s help. It worked and now he will not talk to me. Was I wrong in thinking it took too long?

— Estate Dilemma

Dear Eric: I’m a 40-year-old single mom of twin 5-year-olds. I’m a professional woman, but due to my commitments to my children and the overall daily grind, I have little to no time for socialization and dating.

However, I need occasional help around the house, and my cousin (let’s call her Jen) was kind enough to refer me to her handyman. He’s helped me with several projects over the last year, and I sense a mutual physical attraction.

I am aware that my cousin had a sexual relationship with this man at some point long ago, but it was never serious, and she is currently in a new relationship and very much in love. Would I be awful to pursue this new friend? I am lonely and find very few opportunities to meet new people with my time constraints. I could really benefit from some fun.

— Lonely in NYC

Dear Lonely in NYC: Awful? No. If you’re worrying about betraying your cousin, she can’t (and doesn’t seem to want to) lay claim to every former paramour. But there are a lot of intertwined relationships here, so I would tread more carefully than if the handyman was just a casual acquaintance.

First, there’s the fact that he’s working for you, specifically in your home. If you were to pursue a relationship with him, I’d first find another handyman and be clear with him about why.

But you’re both adults and any adult entering into a romantic or sexual relationship should be communicative about boundaries, pitfalls and needs. So, you and he should have an adult conversation before going any further. What are your needs, what are his, what are the concerns, where do things get hazy? Is what you want — something that fits into your life and schedule — what he wants?

It sounds like your ideal situation right now is something simple. And even though he’s attracted to you and already in your home sometimes, I don’t know that this is as simple as it seems. If this was a Hallmark movie — call it “Mr. Fix-It,” perhaps — the courtship would be sealed by a series of glances and a sudden rainstorm. But life is not a Hallmark movie. No offense to Hallmark movies, we’re better for it because we get to talk things out and avoid confusion. No rainstorms needed.

Dear Eric: My sister and her husband visit my area at least once a year. They presume they’re going to stay at my home with each visit. In turn, she expects my husband and I to visit her while we travel through her area.

I can no longer do this.

She’s a loud, chaotic and competitive narcissist, who I cringe being around. Her noise battery never runs out and the thin ice on our relationship is ready to crack.

It’s taken me a lifetime to work through the scars created by her insecure, never wrong, center stage, toxic ego and I’m living my life no longer behind her.

I’ve quietly and repeatedly tried to help, for I know she struggles with herself, but my attempts are fruitless.

For my own sanity, I won’t host her here any longer, or visit, but I don’t know how to approach this without her having one of her typical major meltdowns. I value your thoughts.

— Love Her But Dislike Her

Dear Love Her: A guest can’t simply put in a reservation for your house without your say. So, you can avoid her visits by making yourself and your home unavailable the next time. Tell her you don’t have the capacity to host, or you’ll be out of town, or you just can’t make it work.

Dear Eric: My son is 35 and his new girlfriend of three months is 32. They’re both very smart. They are both very well educated. She’s funny. She’s smart. I really enjoy my time with her except for when she falls into these pits where she talks about him like he’s not there and puts him down. She says things like “Well, I told your son to do this and, of course, he didn’t” or “I told him this he didn’t think that was right and, of course, I was right, and he was wrong.” He laughs it off, she laughs it off, and I change the subject and laugh it off.

But it’s not funny to me. I have my own experience of living with a manipulative person who started small and grew, too. Basically, controlling my whole life.

She really likes me and aside from this I like her as well.

I don’t want to overstep my bounds at all. What should I do? I’m just uncomfortable with it and I don’t know what to do.

— Uncomfortable Mom

Dear Mom: As it’s only been three months, your son and his girlfriend are still learning their relationship, and you’re still learning your relationship with his girlfriend. So, this is a great time to define a boundary for yourself and incorporate it into how you and the girlfriend interact.

Because she’s directing her comments to you, it’s not overstepping to tell her “This isn’t a way I like to be spoken to about my son. Let’s find a different way of talking.” It can be gentle but firm. It need not create conflict. She may come from a family that needles or teases. She may have seen relationships where this behavior was modeled. That doesn’t mean that it has to stand, especially with you.

It’s up to your son and his girlfriend to define how they want to communicate with each other, but you’ll be setting a good example for both of them if you clearly communicate to her what you’re hearing and what might be getting in the way of more closeness. She may think she’s joking, but she’s misreading her audience, and you should tell her that.

Dear Eric: My mother is 90. Years ago, I moved 800 miles away for college. Since then, I have visited my hometown at least once a year. I am now 63.

We talk on the phone weekly or biweekly. My parents are divorced. I have no relationship with my father.

My mom has always favored my brothers financially. One brother for at least $100,000 over the years, the other somewhat less but still substantial — new cars, medical bills and other things.

I am proud that I pay my own way. But the inequity hurts me.

When I tell my mom I am hurt, she just looks at me and says I would do the same for my son. Well, after the recent death of my brother my mom needs to update her will. She just told me she is thinking about leaving everything, around $500,000, to my niece.

I am so hurt. The reason she wants to cut me out of her will? I don’t need the money. Again, I am left feeling less than. And I find it is more than I can deal with. I am fighting tears constantly, feel unloved, like the afterthought, marginalized. And just so darn hurt.

I want to go no-contact. She has shown me many times over the years I am last. How do I cut her out of my life at this point? How do I forgive, again? How do I move on, again?

— Hurt Daughter

Dear Eric: “Sue” and I have been neighbors and friends for more than 50 years. She and her husband are godparents to one of our children, we are members of social groups together, like book club and bridge group. We have shared many occasions together, at the holidays and with our families.

A couple of years ago her husband (and our friend) died after a short illness. After the funeral, I called her many times, let her talk and asked her out for lunch. She was always “busy” with appointments or “kids coming” so we never got together. In the meantime, she has told me about her “wonderful neighbors” and that they “are just like family.” It is very hurtful and puzzling.

I don’t know how to feel or what to think about this. We have had her over to our house a couple of times. Things went well until it was time to leave. She told me I don’t know what it is like and wouldn’t until my husband dies. She never calls me, so I have given up on that, too.

I know everyone deals with grief differently. But what should I do when I have been “ghosted” by a long-time friend? (I see this person at social events like book club, bridge and at church.) Do I just go on and hope that she will “come out of it”? (Frankly, I’m not sure I like her much now.) Or have I lost a long-time friend?

— Hurt Friend

Dear Friend: One of the things that makes this so hard is that both you and Sue are hurting but you’re hurting in different ways and for different reasons. Those differences have made it difficult for you to align, but it’s not impossible. It sounds like, when Sue told you that you don’t know what it’s like, she was attempting to communicate something very complex. And while it may not have seemed like it at the time, I think it was her attempt to let you in.

When some people lose a spouse, or a parent, or a child, the world gets split into two segments: those who have been through it and know what the pain is like. And those who don’t. Grief is isolating and it’s ever-changing, and it’s all-encompassing sometimes. So, this sorting can be an act of self-preservation — a way of making sense of a world where all the rules have changed.

You can have sympathy, you can show her love, you can show up in a myriad of ways, but right now there are aspects of your life that trigger her or are hard to navigate. So, I want to strongly encourage you not to write her off. I know you’ve reached out repeatedly; please don’t take it personally that she needs this distance. Your friendship has changed, just like every other relationship in her life. But that change is not an ending. If you continue to be present, friendly, and loving in those small social interactions, the bedrock of your relationship will remain intact and you may be able to build something new, a relationship that’s shaped around the people you both are now.

Dear Eric: I’m responding to your reader “Raising Voices”. Raising Voices had two friends who refused to wear hearing aids and RV was frustrated trying to talk with them. You were right in your advice to RV to tactfully encourage them to see an audiologist because hearing loss can lead to dementia as well as a greatly diminished quality of life.

As someone who has worn hearing aids for 15 years and got them in my early 40s, I would like to also add that, when people ask you to repeat yourself, please don’t say the same exact words only louder — it’s frustrating for both the speaker and the listener.

Oftentimes, it’s certain sounds in words, like the S and F sounds, that are difficult to distinguish and make understanding difficult. If someone asks you to repeat yourself, use different words that mean the same thing. My husband sometimes yells at me, and I still can’t understand him, even with hearing aids (and he should know better since I’ve had hearing loss since I’ve known him, but that’s another story).