Tag: family of origin work

Is it Time to Recalibrate Your Life? | Love And Life Toolbox

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Here we are, doing our lives in whatever that looks like for each of us. We pass through our days in relationships, working, parenting, socializing, participating in hobbies, playing or just being. For many of us, as we age and move through different developmental stages, our perceptions, beliefs and priorities shift to some degree. This can happen in a very subtle way, or suddenly get flipped on its head with unexpected life events, triggering a drive to burrow down more snuggly into what really matters to us.

These times can occur without awareness of them initially. My clients often bring a general sense of dissatisfaction into therapy.

The whispers of discontentment show themselves in a myriad of ways; malaise, stress, emptiness, loneliness, irritation, a felt sense of lack of quality relationships and/or substance abuse. Perhaps they have a sense of what needs to happen, simply needing some validation or a nudge towards change. Others don’t have clarity around why they aren’t feeling themselves but are hoping to get it.

At some point and perhaps many, you will likely contemplate change of some kind. Mid-life is a common time for this to happen as your awareness of aging sharpens. But viewpoint changes can happen any time and are a natural part of the flow of life. They can surround your work, intimate relationship, friendships and even your relationship with yourself.

How do you know when it’s time to recalibrate your life?

Is your work life satisfactory?

If you work, like most people, you spend quite a few hours of the week (and thus, your life) doing that thing. Do you enjoy it? Is the work culture healthy? Not everyone feels they are in the position to make changes to their jobs but these days it’s become normalized to make moves at any age. Entire career changes later in life are no longer an anomaly. If your work is a source of chronic stress, for example, what is keeping you there? At what point is there a tipping point where the consequences outweigh the benefits?

Are you happy in your relationship?

If you are married or in a long-term relationship, is it a place of sustenance in the ways that you need? If not, have you tried to address this within the relationship? Go to couples therapy if need be. Avoid chronically sweeping issues under the rug in hopes they will go away. They will not but rather continue to slowly erode the foundation of your relationship and possibly eventually lead to a complete disconnection, whether articulated or not. The end result can be loneliness or seeking ways (consciously or unconsciously) to fill emotional gaps. Affairs often spring up out of this place.

If you are not happy, have made efforts to improve the situation to no avail and feel you’re at a dead end, there are choices. You can choose to stay in it (there are often legitimate reasons to consider this, particularly when children are involved) or you can leave. These days couples are taking a lot of midline approaches as well such as nesting.

Who are your friends?

Friendship is an important part of your web of support, social connectedness being protective for mental and physical health. With busy lives seemingly the norm, choices around who you give your precious time to are all the more critical. The measure of who you allocate your life to is subjective. What works for you may not work for another.

Start to notice the interactions you have with your friends. Do you feel heard, cared for and experience a reciprocity in the relationships?

If you don’t feel satisfied about some of those you’ve been spending time with, perhaps you want to do so less. Might it provide more value to you to move towards those who repeatedly demonstrate their care for you rather than those who you don’t, are an emotional drain or even cause harm to you.

Are you caring for yourself?

Self care is a protective action, with the power to prevent depression, anxiety, resentment and overall burnout. Know what is relaxing for you, rejuvenating and brings joy. No matter how busy your life is, find time to do these things. The more you are able to recharge in the ways that appeal to you, the more emotional resources you will have to show up in the other areas of your life such as work, with family and with friends.

Begin to think of self care in the same way as nutrition, physical activity and sleep. If you’ve previously attached self care to selfishness, it’s time to rethink this paradigm. Taking care of yourself in this way is akin to the “oxygen mask first” concept, your body, heart and mind all needing this to function optimally.

What is emotionally unresolved?

Much of the ability to change the above is dependent upon where you are psychologically. You are more likely make shifts in your relationships, for example, if you don’t have deeper level emotional obstacles sabotaging your progress. You might be clear it would be beneficial to rethink some of these aspects of your life but be challenged in actually doing it. Why is this?

Prior emotional and relationship wounds can become vulnerabilities in your sense of self and how you relate to others. The coping mechanisms once effectively used to get through those experiences can become long term ways of operating and usually no longer needed. For example, if you learned that pleasing people would keep you emotionally safer than offering your opinions or speaking your mind, it would be understandably difficult to try to move away from friendships that don’t feel good now. Family of origin work can be really helpful, to help you understand the roots of your issues and how to untangle them.

Who are you?

If this is not clear, perhaps you need to spend some time doing some of the work described above. Those who have a clear sense of self typically feel internally secure, love themselves and find it more natural to show up outwardly in alignment with who they are inwardly. Authenticity is a sweet spot where you feel at ease expressing yourself, rather than editing, monitoring or possibly not offering much out of fear it won’t be accepted.

Maybe you haven’t really known who you are up to now, but would like to. This is not unusual, by the way. I’ve had many clients come to therapy trying to figure out who they are. If you unwrap their story, it becomes so clear as to why they don’t know! But they learn. You can always learn.

All of the above can come into play when considering whether it’s time for a life reset. There are of course many other areas you can look at but these primary buckets are big ticket items as they can be steeped with emotional payoffs and consequences.

Change moments aren’t about beating yourself up about how you’ve been before, but quite the contrary. They are an opportunity to reflect upon who you have been and who you want to be. If you are considering changes, it signals a growth mindset, desire for happiness and a curiosity about what the future could hold for you along whatever paths you choose to take.

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Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT

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April 17, 2024
Men Who Chase Shadows: Secrets, Lies and Acting Out | LoveAndLifeToolBox

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“Why did I do it? I love my wife, I have so much to lose, why?!”

Many of the men I work with are seeking answers to questions like the one above. They’ve acted in ways they later regret and, at some point, they had to face the painful fallout of their actions: a devastated loved one who might end the marriage/relationship; the shame of behavior that conflicts with their values; the despair and humiliation of losing a job or getting into legal trouble.

In each instance through the acting-out experience, these men have built a secret reality where they escaped to again and again, a dream-like existence that allowed them to feel and experience things they couldn’t imagine feeling in their “real” lives.

Some have used their secretive world as an escape, an exit from an un-namable (and therefore un-manageable) malaise they cannot shake. Others sought relief from an overly constrictive sense of self, a self subsumed by fear and inhibition.

But the “solution” sought through acting-out isn’t realized (and therefore isn’t a solution at all). In fact, as many have discovered, often more harm is caused to self and others through acting-out; and acting-out ultimately prevents one from going inward in order to do the psychological work that is needed to make meaningful life changes.

What occurs during the process of acting-out for some men?

Chasing the promise of something different

By the time these men reach out to me, many feel like they’ve reached a breaking point, or even a point of no return. Many feel marred by shame, guilt and/or despair. Some are desperate to save their relationship/marriage, seeking the therapy as part of a non-negotiable condition set out by their partner.

Over the last two decades, as I listened to the hundreds of men I’ve worked with around acting-out issues, a theme has emerged in their struggles, a dynamic that they may not have been aware of when they first entered therapy.

The secretive world of acting-out contained for them a promise, a promise of something different, not necessarily something better or positive, but rather an experience that would ultimately lead to a dramatic shift/alteration of the self (their subjective-self experience).

The promise of something different that I am discussing is, of course, a maze with no exit. This elusive, inarticulable promise is never found . . . like in the myth of Tantalus, it always remains just beyond one’s reach.

And for those who feel convinced about what they are seeking (they believe what they are seeking is clear in their mind), what they end up grasping for does not emotionally satiate them. In these instances, they may double down on their acting-out attempts — more alcohol, more sex, more porn, more drugs, more risk, more danger, more more — only to ultimately find that their hunger is as fierce — and as unsatisfied — as ever.

Consumed by the promise of something different

“Ultimately, it is the desire, not the desired, that we love.” ~Nietzsche

Some men describe feeling gripped, being over-taken by the anticipation of what this promise of something different might offer, and in these instances it is the stirring of desire (above and beyond what is being chased) that consumes them.

In renewed wanting, these men become convinced that something awaits them in the world of acting-out (a world that is often cloaked in secrecy). Like a child overcome by anticipation for Santa to bring the ultimate gift they will never tire of, these men enter a state of wanting (and seeking) that alters and jolts them.

The following are a few descriptions men have used to describe this anticipatory state just prior to and during acting-out:

“There’s this buzzing sensation throughout my body.”

“I feel excited but it’s weird, it’s a combination of anxiety and excitement.”

“For me it’s a feeling of dread…but I’d rather feel this than nothing.”

“My heart starts to pound and I become more alert, more awake.”

“All my problems fall away, and all I have to focus on is what I’m about to do next.”

Enlivened by expectancy, these men may feverishly begin seeking for what they believe they want/need. As they close the blinds to their regular life (and everything that anchors them there), they become different. During this process, a dream-like shift in consciousness occurs; sometimes this shift is subtle, at other times jolting.

The constant across a wide range of acting-out behavior is that you become altered. Even unrecognizable to yourself perhaps.

And whether this shift is positive (excitement) or negative (anxiety, dread), the common denominator is that you momentarily experience a shifting from one state of being to another, a self-alteration that may be taken as evidence that the antidote to what is lacking in your life is out there in the acting-out world, waiting to be discovered.

Acting-out as attempts to work-through childhood wounds

What is sought through acting-out often has little to do with our current life circumstances. The current frustrations and challenges of our lives are painfully real, but these frustrations do not account for the self-alteration sought through secrecy and acting-out.

In therapy it is often the exploration of childhood wounds and early family dynamics that gives these men a better understanding of what is occurring and why.

To journey back into our past is an invitation to revisit a time when we were most vulnerable and helpless, a time when the intensity of childhood longings consumed us (especially) if they were not adequately tended to by our caregivers.

These early relationships had a profound impact on our adult capacity to connect deeply with our own needs and emotions; on our ability to hold in consciousness intense feelings and yearnings that may be in conflict with each other; and they shaped the ways in which we allow (or don’t allow) ourselves to be seen by others and ourselves.

There are certain experiences that are so overwhelming that they cannot be put into words. In these instances, we needed help from our caregivers to make sense of what was happening to us. Without this parental attentiveness and their efforts to help us identify and name what was occurring, our inner experiences remained alien and even dangerous to us.

Without the capacity to self-soothe, the force of our emotions overtook us, each feeling an inner attack against the self. In short, to feel became dangerous.

To survive this, we had to learn how not to feel, how not to be connected to our inner world.

This is the nature of traumatic experiences; we cannot make sense of them, we cannot achieve what psychiatrist Richard Chefetz calls a “felt coherence” of our inner experiences; when a felt coherence is lacking, our inner life can feel haphazard, inarticulable and mysterious.

The lost parts of us are trying to speak

These fragmented (and split off) parts of ourselves continue to influence the shape of our lives. While segregated from our awareness, they seek expression (and, ultimately, reunion with the rest of who we are).

But many of us are unaware that these self-fragments are active and in need of our attention.

In order to get control of acting-out behaviors, we must discover how these lost parts of ourselves are seeking expression, seeking a resolution from past injuries.

Secretive acting-out serves two functions in relationship to these lost parts of ourselves:

The secretive world of acting-out might be an unconscious attempt to create experiences that will help us reconnect/rediscover these hidden selves;

Or the acting-out may be a way to keep these self-experiences at bay, actions that replace remembering because we unconsciously fear that knowing about these lost parts would be overwhelming (what Freud called the repetition compulsion, repeating the dynamics of painful childhood experiences rather than remembering these experiences).

In order for self-wholeness to occur, a wholeness that will loosen the grip that secrecy and acting-out have on us, we must learn to create relationships with the wounded parts of us that long ago went underground.

Until then, the mysterious world we create through the acting-out process may keep promising us things we feel compelled to chase.

Article References

Bacal, H. (2006). Repetition compulsion and the dread to repeat. In R. Skelton, The Edinburgh international encyclopedia of psychoanalysis. Edinburg, UK: Edinburgh University Press.

Chefetz, R. (2010). Live as performance art: Right and left brain function, implicit knowing, and “felt coherence.” In Knowing, Not-Knowing and Sort-Of-Knowing: Psychoanalysis and the Experience of Uncertainty. Edited by Petrucelli, J.

Freud, S. (1914). Remembering, Repeating and Working-Through. S. E. 12 London: Hogarth Press.

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Article original source, with approval: RichardNicastro.com

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Richard Nicastro, PhD

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April 12, 2023
Healthy Relationships: Assessing the Emotional Safety | LoveAndLifeToolBox
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Couples seek relationship counseling for numerous reasons. No matter what issues they present to therapy with, it often can be boiled down to a problem with the emotional safety in their relationship. The most hostile, distant or disengaged couples are not the only ones who can be challenged with a lack of emotional safety. Those who minimize their feelings or are conflict avoidant can often ultimately be the most at risk. Often the presenting problems that couples go to therapy for, are actually symptoms of a lack of emotional safety in their relationship.

“Emotional safety” encompass important elements. It exists when both partners feel:
- respected
- they can trust each other
- prioritized
- heard
- understood
- validated
- empathized with
- loved
If you’ve been struggling to communicate, are easily brought to conflict, have disconnected and are sweeping feelings under the rug, it’s important to do a deeper level check on the status of your relationship. These are all often signs of distress.

Do a quick mini-assessment on your own relationship by asking yourself how you feel, on a scale of 1-10, in each of the following areas.

Respect: How respected do you feel by each other? People who report low levels of respect often experience criticism, judgment or neglect. Perhaps your partner makes important decisions without you.

Trust: Are you clear your partner will not betray you? Betrayal can include physical and emotional trust violations. It can also feel like they don’t truly have your back in other ways. Questions around whether you can trust your partner can lead to insecurity about the relationship and impact your self esteem.

Prioritized: How much do you each feel prioritized by each other? People who don’t feel prioritized can start to wonder if they matter to the other. Perhaps your partner spends a lot of time with others or doesn’t take your requests or needs seriously.

Feeling Heard: How much do you feel heard by each other? Those who don’t feel heard can feel ignored or minimized. It can feel like your partner doesn’t care what you think you feel, which can be painful and over time build resentment.

Understood: How much do you feel understood by each other? People with low levels of understanding from the other report frustration around their partner not taking the time to truly know them. You might feel like your partner doesn’t care to understand. The end result of this can be loneliness in the relationship.

Validation: How much do you feel validated by each other? Low levels of validation are problematic to any relationship in that one or both don’t experience their partner acknowledging their emotions. Even if you don’t understand why your partner feels a certain way, it’s important to validate their experience.

Empathy: How much do you feel empathy from each other? A relationship that lacks empathy is particularly challenging as it’s experienced as an even lower level of care or concern for each other’s feelings. Your partner may be clear something is painful for you yet behave as if they don’t care. Experiencing a lack of empathy by someone who is supposed to be there for you is a deeply painful experience.

Love: How much do you feel loved by each other? Couples who report low levels of feeling loved by the other can reach a state of hopelessness. Believing your partner doesn’t love you can be the assumption that is made from deficiencies in all of the above.

A lot of lower numbers in this exercise indicates some deficiencies in your emotional safety. It’s also important to reflect upon how you’re showing up in the relationship.

The piece 7 Ways to Create Emotional Safety in Your Relationship in PsychCentral.com sums it up well:

Emotional safety also goes both ways. When you feel emotionally safe and reveal your true self, it opens the door for your partner to do the same. And when both people in a relationship feel secure, it provides a safe environment where a deeper and more loving connection can form.

If you’re concerned that the level of emotional safety in your relationship is in trouble, try talking to your partner about this. If he/she is willing, have them look at this mini-assessment themselves. Explain that this is a significant issue that if left unchecked can literally lead to the end of your relationship. If needed, consider couples counseling to help navigate through as it can be tricky. You might benefit from a deeper exploration into your dynamic, why it exists and learning tools to make changes. Family of origin work can be an important piece of this.
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Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT

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March 5, 2023
The Problem with Perfectionism and How to Move Away From It | LoveAndLifeToolBox
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The need to be perfect, perfectionism, can be a real challenge for people, impacting personal happiness and general well-being. Perfectionistic behavior can also negatively impact relationships. The problem is that there is often a real benefit to having your act together, being extremely detail oriented and seemingly able to do it all. And you may get a lot of positive feedback from those around you that reinforces this behavior. The reward system can be plentiful in this way. However the long term consequences of constantly trying to live up to such a high bar can be significant not only your emotional health but your closest relationships.

The problem with perfectionism is it’s a set up.

Human beings are not created to do anything perfectly. Human beings make mistakes. So at some point the perfectionist will do the same and likely endure a lot of suffering as a result. The drive to be perfect can be intense; high stress levels, anxiety or fear of NOT doing things perfectly and exhaustion. It’s a set up because it’s not only unsustainable but can have further consequences:
- Impact on your own happiness. Perhaps you weaponize your drive to be perfect against yourself.
- Impact on your relationships. Maybe those closest are often not experiencing you as emotionally available as you fixate on your task of the moment.
Loneliness can be a byproduct of perfectionism, having a rigid idea of how things should be done…and only you know what that is. Getting help and support from others can be challenging for the perfectionist. And you may turn them off from helping.

From the Forbes piece, Pitfalls of Perfectionism: Letting Go and Finding Freedom in Achieving Excellence, “Perfectionists can struggle with moving on as they tend to internalize their failure and blame themselves. They can be hypersensitive to criticism and, as a result, fail to learn from their mistakes. People who are successful understand that failure is an inherent part of learning and growing.”

The are often roots to perfectionism.

Take the time to look at your past to see if there are clues as to why you have taken on this trait. Is it possible you took on perfectionism as a coping strategy during a time you felt out of control? There are a number of good reasons to explain how people lean in to this kind of behavior including:
- Chaos in the home; substance abuse, high conflict relationships, etc
- High expectations by parents
- Perfectionism was modeled by a parent
How to begin to steer towards a more balanced perspective.

The first step towards shifting away from perfectionism is noticing when it comes up for you in the first place. The act of “noticing” is really the first step in any kind of effort to change patterns of behavior. Much of the time, it’s automatic and out awareness. Notice how many times of day you are caught in perfectionistic thinking.

Another important aspect to making real change is to understand the roots of your perfectionism. There is likely a valid reason why it served you well at one point, or was a coping mechanism of some kind. If you aren’t clear on this part, a therapist with a focus on family of origin work can help.

As you start to try to change, you will likely encounter your inner critic who will push back on the idea that you don’t need to do this. Identify helpful self-talk to unwind you out of such rigid thinking. “What’s the worst thing that can happen if…” Practice self-compassion as you do this work. Again, a therapist may be appropriate to help you navigate through and out to the other side.

Making any change in how you function should always be seen as a work in progress. It can take time to unwind old patterns and with perfectionism, you may need a number of experiments in which you learn that “good enough” is actually ok.

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Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT

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August 28, 2022
The Problem with Perfectionism and How to Move Away From It | LoveAndLifeToolBox
[ad_1]
The need to be perfect, perfectionism, can be a real challenge for people, impacting personal happiness and general well-being. Perfectionistic behavior can also negatively impact relationships. The problem is that there is often a real benefit to having your act together, being extremely detail oriented and seemingly able to do it all. And you may get a lot of positive feedback from those around you that reinforces this behavior. The reward system can be plentiful in this way. However the long term consequences of constantly trying to live up to such a high bar can be significant not only your emotional health but your closest relationships.

The problem with perfectionism is it’s a set up.

Human beings are not created to do anything perfectly. Human beings make mistakes. So at some point the perfectionist will do the same and likely endure a lot of suffering as a result. The drive to be perfect can be intense; high stress levels, anxiety or fear of NOT doing things perfectly and exhaustion. It’s a set up because it’s not only unsustainable but can have further consequences:
- Impact on your own happiness. Perhaps you weaponize your drive to be perfect against yourself.
- Impact on your relationships. Maybe those closest are often not experiencing you as emotionally available.
Loneliness in your experience can also come up as perfectionism often comes with a pretty strict idea of how things should be done…and only you know what that is. Getting help and support from others can be very challenging for the perfectionist.

The are often roots to perfectionism.

Take the time to look at your past to see if there are clues as to why you have taken on this trait. Is it possible you took on perfectionism as a coping strategy during a time you felt out of control? There are a number of good reasons to explain how people lean in to this kind of behavior including:
- Chaos in the home
- High expectations by parents
- Perfectionism was modeled
How to begin to steer towards a more balanced perspective.

The first step towards shifting away from perfectionism is noticing when it comes up for you in the first place. The act of “noticing” is really the first step in any kind of effort to change patterns of behavior. Much of the time, it’s automatic and out awareness. Notice how many times of day you are driven to reach the high bar.

Another important aspect to making real change is to understand the roots of your perfectionism. There is likely a valid reason why it served you well at one point, or was a coping mechanism of some kind. If you aren’t clear on this part, a therapist with a focus on family of origin work can help.

As you start to try to change, you will likely encounter your inner critic who will push back on the idea that you don’t need to do this. Practicing self-compassion as you do this work is critical. Again, a therapist may be appropriate to help you navigate through and out to the other side.

Making any change in how you function should always be seen as a work in progress. It can take time to unwind old patterns and with perfectionism, you may need a number of experiments in which you learn that “good enough” is actually ok.

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Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT

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August 28, 2022
Happiness: Questions to Ask Yourself…and a Caveat | LoveAndLifeToolBox

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Who doesn’t want to be happy? With much of your happiness in your control (40% says Sonja Lyubomirsky, PhD), you are more empowered than you think to make legitimate changes to your emotional health. Some of the skills you can learn to do involve brain training where the more you practice certain habits, the more automatic they will become. Because there is no “one-size-fits-all” formula for happiness, try what feels right and doable for you.

Not as happy as you’d like to be? Consider the following:

Are you social?

Being connected to others allows for emotional resourcing and support. We are wired to connect and seek security in important relationships starting from infancy and throughout our lives. Research shows that, “social environment may contribute to rates of cellular aging, particularly in late life.” So it appears as though being social can literally slow down your biological age.

Consider putting effort into developing and maintaining important relationships (family, friends, intimate partnerships). Even if you consider yourself more introverted, you can still benefit from these types of interactions. Humans are born wired to connect with each other rather than be isolated.

If you haven’t spoken to a good friend in a long time, send them a text. Carve out one-on-one time with a family member. If your marriage has been struggling, prioritize working on it.

Do you feel good about yourself?

Questions about your inherent value often come from unresolved earlier wounds around challenging relational experiences. How you feel about yourself can impact your other relationships, especially the more intimate ones where there is more emotionally at stake.

If you generally believe you are a good person with value, you have a more solid foundation in which developing happiness can be cultivated. But if your history is painful or you have family of origin wounds, do some personal work. Consider getting help unpacking painful experiences creating obstacles to a more secure sense of self via therapy or other supportive tools.

Are you able to manage your emotions?

The ability to stay emotionally regulated allows for more appropriate reactions to situations and less internal distress. Those who struggle with emotional reactivity can have a strong negativity bias and carry shame about themselves, both potential blocks to happiness.

Consider educating yourself about resilience (how to more effectively bounce back) which can improve your emotional regulation skills.

Do you meditate?

Stress can be another obstacle for happiness. To combat future worry (anxiety), it’s useful to learn to be in the moment, to drop into “the now” when needed. Meditation via focused breath work can help keep the stress hormone cortisol at bay.

Consider learning how to meditate (in whatever form you choose). Even other brief mindfulness practices like stopping to notice things around you for a moment can encourage a similar benefit.

Are you optimistic?

People with positive outlooks are not only happier but healthier. A Harvard study showed that a positive outlook on life can actually protect against heart disease.

Consider spending more time with optimistic people. If your glass tends to be “half empty,” acting as if it’s full can be a good way to start. Spending time with positive people can also help because of the emotional contagion effect.

If you have as strong negativity bias and it’s difficult to stay positive, this might be another good reason to peek into your past to understand why this is and make changes.

Do you take in the good?

Strongly connected with developing optimism is noticing when the good when it’s in front of you. But it doesn’t end there. Let the experience sink into your awareness for at least 30 seconds so it can register in your implicit memory. According to Linda Graham, MFT, “When we intentionally take in the good we are building resources in our neural circuitry to act as a buffer against stress…”

Consider seeking out positive experiences in which to savor. This can be a beautiful tree you’ve never noticed in your neighborhood, a pleasant interaction with someone in a grocery line or being grateful for a favor that was done for you.

Do you live authentically?

Authenticity is often linked to a sense of well-being and is an important aspect of emotional health. It’s so much easier for your inner world to be in alignment with your outward presentation. In fact, living inauthentically can cause stress in the amount of work required to keep up a social mask. There’s a freedom in the ability to be yourself.

Consider learning how to be more honest with yourself and in how you show up in the world. If there is a disconnect between your inner and outer worlds or you’re unclear of what authenticity even means for you, seek to understand this better via therapy or other helping modality.

Are you grateful?

Robert Emmons, PhD has done extensive research on the power of gratitude to feel more alert, sleep better, deflect from stress, worry, regret, hostility and resentment. Being grateful can also improve self-worth and help you experience more positive emotions.

Consider starting a gratitude practice. One way to do that is keeping a daily gratitude journal, noting three things a day, no matter how seemingly mundane.

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In your quest for more happiness, pick a few of the above that resonate and try them out. Then over time add a few more into the mix. Sometimes creating new habits can be a challenge but if you stick with it, the payoff can be well worth it. If happiness has been elusive for you, therapy is a good tool to help you understand the underpinnings of why and support you in making changes. If you aren’t quite ready for therapy, I offer a guide to do some self-exploration, Family of Origin: Untangle Your Unhealthy Roots.

Caveat

It’s important to monitor your expectations around how often you “should” be happy. Nobody “should” be happy all the time and denying some of the other more difficult human emotions like sadness, anger and worry will not serve you well in the long run. Though those feelings can be uncomfortable, they are part of the human experience.

Sweeping them under the rug will inevitably backfire.

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Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT

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September 11, 2018